Nerd Poker - The Mountain Campaign - Episode 7

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

Haunted mountain stairwell ahoy! The giant behind them and a Glibbles in their pocket, our crew get to ascending stairs that aren't for touching. There is surely violence at the top, it sure would be nice if it was a chill use of common stairs, and not a series of horrors! Whoops, it's the horrors thing. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.  

Hey, it's Brian Poussaint, NerdPoker. We're calling it the Mountain Campaign. My friends are here, Sarah, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, and of course, our kick-ass DM, Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerd Poker. Hey everybody, it's Brian Pussain and you're listening to my show, Nerd Poker. nerd poker uh it's um the mountain campaign episode seven of the mountain campaign or season six if you're nasty i'm gonna keep doing that joke till everybody hates it and then 40 more times after that so 37 more times. God damn it. Math.

Well, that was one of my friends. We're all here. What's up, Dan? Hi, Brian. You ready for a math episode? Yes. Everything is math. Blame.

Two plus two is high. Chris, you're probably pretty good at math, right? I was until senior year. And then all of a sudden I started failing. I did very well. And all of a sudden I just could not. I had a definite point where I no longer understood. How do you do helping your girls with their math? So far, good.

But there's a new way to do everything. I'm completely lost with Rhodes' math. Yeah. So I always try and sneak by it and go like, yep, that's right. Sarah. I was just thinking

about math because Blaine referenced Dragnet, of course, because as one does in 2024. But there was this TV show called Square One on public television

when I was a kid. And they had a whole like recurring sketch called MathNet. And it was like, it was very cool and very funny. It's how I was a kid and they had a whole like recurring sketch called math net. And it was like, it was very cool and very funny. It's how I was introduced to the,

even the concept of dragnet. And it holds up today. That show, watch it on YouTube. Goodbye. Ken with amazing shirts. Always. How are you doing pal?

I'm good. Math kept me out of medical school. I was going along fine, took my first chemistry class, and that was the fucking end of it. Yeah. Wait, is that true, though? Absolutely. Whoa. I cannot comprehend calculus.

Dr. Daly? We could have had a doctor. Dr. Daly? Dr. Ken Daly? Instead, we got shamrock shakes. You already had those already. No, I know what you took that as. I might have said this before, but he had a picture of a guy washing an elephant's ass.

And every time you would get any algebraic formulas wrong, he would say that that's what you were going to be doing. And that's what you were destined to do with your life. Wow. I got it a lot be doing. And that's what you're destined to do with your life. Wow. I got it a lot. Wow. So everybody thought I was going to watch. How many elephants there were. Elephants' asses.

How's the house? So on a Mr. Show sketch, we had a guy that was a job. Like this guy gets a job just washing elephants' asses. And that was me doing a nod to. You ever said that's an autobiographical reference from mr show yeah yeah yeah you get to work with animals my teacher he was a former 49er uh and he wasn't a minor 49er he played for the football team he was 170 and uh i he yelled at me one time and I accused him of playing without a helmet.

And kids found it very funny. That was one of my winners that I got away with. Never make the rest of the kids laugh at the teacher. Yeah, yeah. What kind of car dealership does he have now? He died many years ago. I got slid across a floor for making a joke about a teacher. What? He grabbed me by the front of my shirt

and slid me like a bowling ball. Oh my gosh. I implied that he was fucking another teacher. Oh, jeez. He kind of went easy on you. He's got rage issues. I have so many. Let's Oh, Sam's here. Hi, sweet children.

What's up, buddy? Hi. How's your math? Not good here. Hi, sweet children. What's up, buddy? Hi. How's your math? Not good. Not good. Pop quiz, one plus one. Oh, fuck. I'll let you know by the end. Correct.

You got it. We should thank some people. We are going to. We're going to thank some Patreon supporters with usernames like Richard Humphrey. Thank you, Richard. Thank you, Benjamin Bultemeier. Thank you, Matthew Edwards. Thank you, Lucky's Pool Hall. Thank you. Thank you, Matt Longrey. Thank you, Richard. Thank you, Benjamin Bultemeier. Thank you, Matthew Edwards. Thank you, Lucky's Pool Hall. Thank you.

Thank you, Matt Longo. Thank you. Thank you, Dr. Uid's Lean Mean Green Beans. Dr. Uid voice, get your beans! Get them! That was pretty good. You're welcome. Thank you, Trilly McGenest. Thank you, the most intricate dick tracing of the modern age. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Callum Kennedy.

Thank you, A Fridge Too Far. Thank you, The Jackson Fife. And finally, thank you, Eminem and Eminem. Blaine, who are those supporters brought to us by? Supporters brought to us by... Banjo Blowout Days at Banjo Center! Savings

on strings, rimrod, tailpieces, pegheads, resonator skins, rim rods, tail pieces, peg heads, resonator skins, straw hats, Steve Martin repellent, and overalls. Trade your chicken in for a banjo. Order now and get free deliverance.

Banjo blowout days at Banjo Center. Dan? Did the writing for that start with free deliverance? Oh my God. He's playing banjo the whole episode. We blew out our microphones. That was actually a video. Have you ever seen the video?

It's a guy out on a mountain and he's playing the banjo and a fox just comes up and sits down and listens to him. It's so cute. It's pretty cute. It's lovely. I have some people to thank also uh some money given to me on the road and then we got a box of cherries it was milk cover or chocolate covered cherries sour cherries uh milk chocolate cherries is what i meant to say cherry trail mix Chalked dried cherries is what it meant to say.

Cherry trail mix. Yeah. Wow. Lawn cherries, folding cherries. Cherry Republic. And it says, since sweet heat Skittles seem to be discontinued, I have procured these treats for you when you are in person again. Jason.

Well, thanks, Jason. Thank you, Jason. We already broke into some of this stuff. It's right in the middle of the table. We appreciate things that come in the mail that are nice. The good things. The good things. Uh, I've been given money recently.

Uh, one, I couldn't read. I took a picture of, and then I, uh, it was a 50 given to me in St. Louis.

Uh, but here's one. Um, uh, it was a 50 given to me in St. Louis. Uh, but here's one. Um, Hey, love the, love the pod. Dirty twenties for the, can you read that? Dirty twenties, FOD, the new heart. No, for the monetary. Does it say monetary? For the, uh, uh, centipedeipede, human centipede and the holograms. This is from Rest in Peace.

But then love from Steven in St. Louis. Yes. Thanks, Steven. Steven with a PH. And then I got... There's another one in here. Shit. A picture of you with your butt to the camera.

No, that's the dog thing. I'll show you later. Oh, okay. What? Okay. No, I do these... No, we don't even want to really is growing every week so i've been doing a video each week since she went since we got her uh where i turned to the camera it starts with me with my back to the camera and then i turn and you see how much my dog is growing uh and then

so this is from one of our listeners listen Listen to the Slow Death Minneapolis punk band with over 50 members. They're terrible, but so fun. 50 members. Thanks. And the guy didn't write his name, but he wrote

Two Crows Eating a Dead Rat. Oh. They probably knew it. It's his Patreon name, probably, right? Yeah, probably. But thanks, listeners. It's his Patreon name probably, right? Yeah, probably. But thanks, listeners. Thanks, Duke Rose.

Thanks for giving me money on the road. Thank you. Thank you. We should play some D&D. Well, we can as soon as we find out. What happened last time on Nerd Poker? That's right. I've negotiated a larger narrator salary, and now I am willingly doing the what happened last time.

Our heroes managed to vanquish the giants and level up. But then Bishpash touched the murder stairs and didn't do it very well and his brain exploded. After they figured out not to touch the stairs, everybody started ascending the stairwell, but the stairwell was made for giants and is cursed. Our two more spry party members are currently climbing the walls along the cursed stair. And one of our cast members gave me the stink eye because she's like, I don't know about that or something. I don't know. We'll talk about that when I'm done with the voice. But I think

Pish Posh is carrying that particular person, Juniper, via a fly spell whilst Mordecai, the Equaler, flies at a slower pace due to his tiefling wings not quite being

the same speed as a fly spell. We take you to this ascension. Already in progress. So, um. Wow. You're welcome. I just got a wave of scotch in my mouth. I wasn't facing you.

How did that happen? I don't think I could drive home that. You're welcome. So yeah, Sarah, do you think that you were getting up a different way than being carried by Pitchfriars? No, no, no, no. I just, you were welcome. So yeah, Sarah, do you, do you, do you think that you were getting up a different way than being carried by pitchfork? No, no, no, no. I just, you were saying everybody else was climbing cause they were spry.

When in fact, I think it's because they're all small animals. I thought I meant to spry. If I said two and then I was implying those two. No, it is those two. I just meant it implied that my character is not dexterous and I feel like, you know, she's, let me, let me take it. But she's not a squirrel. is not dexterous and I feel like, you know,

she's... Oh, okay. Let me take it again. But she's not a squirrel. Our two best party members are climbing the walls instead of... Alright, so the trick here is Mordecai can fly basically for hours. You guys,

as long as you make your next very humble athletics check, Dallytail and Blep will be able to keep climbing the walls. However, because you two are relying on a 30-minute spell, you're hoping theirs will end within 10 minutes. 10 minutes, right? 10 minutes. Within 10 minutes of flying at top speed.

10 minutes should be plenty of time, right? He has to go very slow, and we said we weren't waiting for him. Correct. We're just going to book it. While i explain this next thing that is happening mordecai you know you're just kind of flipping through a recipe book or something just like taking your time while your wings carry you up the stairwell um these guys are uh you know the the these guys are kind of climbing about the same speed but uh they're flying as fast as they can because they're they're on a timer and you all are i i would say feeling the oppressive distance of this stairwell very

quickly because you climb for a few minutes and note that the stairs seem to continue into the darkness for as long as you can see. And these stairs are, again, very high, made for giants, it would seem. In a dwarven city. Yeah. It was written in dwarven that this was about the Storm Ones. I mean, I know we're climbing, but does it seem as though this is a giant city built by the dwarves? Or this is part of a dwarven city where the giants can come hang?

Well, why don't we have everybody choose? Giants can come hang? Well, why don't we have everybody choose? While you're climbing or flying, either think about what you know from history, or try to discover some insight into

what the reason for these stairs are. If anyone wants to roll a history or insight check while they ascend, I'll give you this before time runs out on the fly spell. 13 insight. Okay. check while they ascend. I'll give you this before time runs out on the fly spell. 13 in sight. Okay. 15 in sight. Okay. I'm sorry, 18.

Ooh. Forget it. I'm not even going to share. Oh, that's rude. Or history, you said? Yeah. Your choice. That's loud. 14. Nice. 14 what history okay

history 12 12 history okay um it sounds like uh Juniper is just

kind of shrugging while thinking about this Pish Posh and Mordecai you get about the same

thought it seems these stairs are very old and probably were a part of the Dwarven city and Mordecai, you get about the same thought. It seems these stairs are very old and probably were a part of the Dwarven city, but they were related to some sort of connection to Giants. And they

were either in honor of Giants or they had Giants visit the city. But this seems like a sort of transitional area. Like maybe giants were welcome in the city and it was a long time ago, but it's hard to place because you guys, your high between you is a 12, if I'm not mistaken.

14. 14, yeah, you didn't beat a 15. Well, that makes sense. And then for insights, the high was,. Are you? 14. 14? Yeah, you didn't beat 15. Well, that makes sense. And then for insights, the high was, was it Chris? 18. 18?

It seems like these stairs once had a practical function and they have since been cursed or something where traps have been set on magically to, you know,

discourage people from ascending them and i think based off of how old the dwarven writing was on the stairs you could just figure out that because it was old dwarven they were names but you couldn't figure out what names that there was some kind of reference carved into these stairs that is lost to history. But this more recent magic thing was probably related to glut, glut, the dragon.

We are now attempting to either steal, destroy, or hold hostage for eggs. Probably found a way to curse these stairs. Okay. And, you know, you can all sort of relate this to each other although i would say uh juniper you're mostly getting the history information from pish posh as you fly ahead and just chatting yeah you know just just having a oh what am i I having your kiki? But you guys start approaching 10 minutes.

And can everyone roll a perception check? Yes, I can. And that was like a low roll. They're 13. Watch. Oh, my gosh. It's a 14? Seven. Wait, so how many It's a 14? Seven.

Wait, so how many? 17. I'm sorry. How far have we gone? You can do it. Fly 30 feet per turn. And your turn is what? Six seconds.

Six seconds. So, oh, we're doing math. The prophecies have come true. You're all welcome to pull out your calculators. Well, I'm just wondering, the fact that Dan isn't even thinking about it makes me feel like this is like an endless, infinite staircase loop.

Well, we would have flown pretty far if it's 30 feet every six seconds. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Well, everybody except for Mordecai, who's going to hear and see something different. Brian's opening something. That's almost perfect sound effects of the plastic and the microphone.

But I'll give you something separate from everybody else. The rest of you hear this weird crunching noise. And you kind of look around and you feel like you're missing where it's coming from. It's like a loud, almost like celery being ripped. You look around and before you can spot where it came from, you hear a bang.

Is Mordecai cooking? Mordecai rolled highest. So he's lagging behind. And is there a 30s radio play going on somewhere right now? Yes. The spider. So Brian, Mordecai, you're kind of flying and you look up

in front of you and there's this sound of wet tear and you see an opening open up in the air in front of you almost like a blade was cutting through time and space. And you see for just a moment what looks like an infinite cosmos

of swirling purple nebulas and stars and asteroids, and then it slams shut with a bang as if it was never there. Oh, wow. Okay. I'll tell those guys when I catch up to them. In the meantime, you guys start to realize via pish posh just sort of feeling the spell reaching its conclusion like you're gonna have to either land soon or something but you know you i think you have a you can cast it again you're just gonna have

to land to cast it or try to cast it in the air i can add time to it you can yeah okay so how does this go uh let me see i just but there was no point in us continuing if this is a treadmill, right? Right. So we should, let me see. Well, but he can at least tell you what he's capable of as far as continuous flight. Yes. I just had it. But you might want to stop and powwow rather than keep ascending and wait for Mordecai.

Yeah, I can use a sorcery point to extend the spell. Okay. For how long? Six times, basically. Great. Okay. Well, are we all close together? No. Mordeca how long? Six times, basically. Great, okay. Well, are we all close together? No, Mordecai is... No, except for Mordecai.

He's going to be a few hundred feet behind you, so you'll all kind of have to wait for him. But everybody else, I'm saying, can I talk to the other people? Yes. Or animals? Yes. Can I ask if there's a...

People. Can anyone detect magic? Why did you have to make that distinction between people and animals? I was trying to be respectful. Everything doesn't have to be an attack. I've detected magic. I'm just wondering if we can see if

the flight itself, like are the stairs themselves enchanted somehow that we're just going in a loop is my concern. Can we see a visible change in terms of the end of the stairs from when we started? No.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's do that. She just beams from ear to ear. Thank you. She's been looking for that approval. No, it means a lot. I think we're starting to really work together as a team. I hope our shoelaces don't get caught in these stairs.

We'll take our shoes off. So are you saying we should turn around? caught in these stairs. We'll take our shoes off. So are you saying we should turn around? I'm saying someone should do a detect magic if possible just to see the type or to try to see what's going on. Yes, please. You detect a vast

necromantic aura over the stairs. It seems to go on for a long time and then you do see just like sort of sprinkles in the air of necromantic aura and it reminds you a little bit of what you noticed when you detected magic when you first went in the dwarven city it was sort of hovering above you yeah like there were spirits towards the sea it feels like

that's happening again except maybe now um with greater intensity and i think you would maybe you know so how do we get out of it can naturally relate that to the weird rips and tears and sounds i also have dispel magic can i lay a dispel magic on it you'll just have to tell me what level and then i'll tell you if it works uh i'm gonna lay it on i guess third level i i need to uh to do it so uh it's not going to dispel so you cast and the aura holds. After you've done that and had a chat, Mordecai, you catch up to everybody else. Okay, I tell them, did you guys hear the loud puff?

No. The celery. Yeah, I think we heard the celery, like a snap and a crack. You heard the celery. Oh, we heard it. I mean, you rolled so low, you could pretend you didn't hear shit. Okay. Well.

I watched. Yeah, I saw it. It was crazy. This, it like opened up and I could see different. Looked like another plane of existence. Like a portal. Like a multiverse kind of, whatever that is. But it slammed shut really fast.

Did you recognize where it was? Anything about it? No, I didn't. You know what? Roll a history check. Chuck McCann in a medicine chest. Hi, guy. Google it.

No. Seven. You're not sure? No no i'm not sure all right do you think we should try to go through that portal maybe that's a shortcut but we can't even see it now it's still there it's not gone i mean if you all want to roll a perception check it's been regular enough i think that you would be ready and kind of like oh maybe we'll catch it oh so we see it open and close or somebody has only mordecai has seen it open and close or something like that? Only Mordecai has seen it open and close, but if you're ready for it,

I will let you roll to catch it with your eye as you're kind of looking around the air. I rolled a 13. Yeah, 15. I rolled a natural 20 plus five. Oh, fuck. That's not good. Okay.

I got a 16. Nice. What'd you get? I got a rock. So, Brian, you see this happen like about five feet from Dallytail, but there's a loud kind of like, and then it opens up and you see it. And Dallytail, like almost the second the sound starts, you perk up and stare at it.

It's like five feet from where you're clinging to the wall. And how big is the hole? air at it it's it's like five feet from where you're clinging to the wall and how big is the hole it is about eight feet wide and about three feet tall oh so i can jump through it you you in this split second see what looks like an infinite cosmos on the other side of this tear in the air yeah i don't know if i want to jump through well you're not quite close enough dallytail could try can i how about this seeing as i see it i'm going to catch my breath and not do something crazy uh can i tie a rope to an arrow letting this one pass and anticipate so the next time it fires i can fire and we'll see what happens with the rope. If it's in the portal, when it opens or closes. Sure.

So what you're so, so 25 tire, tire rope, fire the arrow through. Yeah. The next time it opens, fire the arrow with the rope attached through the portal. When it closes,

let's see what happens. Does it just get cut? Or can we pull? You can roll to do it right now if you can make a athletics check to just do it fast enough athletic or i'll let you pick athletics or acrobatics oh i'd much rather make it acrobatic because this is about just like the speed and whiliness of doing it uh 12 on my acrobatics yeah i would say you could pull it off great um it's the second you turn your head and see it you grab an arrow um quickly tie the rope to it it's pretty rough as far as knots go uh but you managed

to just sort of get it on there it goes through and then almost the second the arrow goes through there's a loud bang as the rip closes and you just see the end of the rope just get instantly severed and flop down towards the stairwell. It doesn't... There's no sign of the arrow. Should send a drone in there.

Juniper, do you have like a little bird or something that hangs out with you? No, that's a different friend of yours. That's good. That was a test. If you would have sent a bird to your death, I would know you were a bad person.

But maybe it's, so the cutoff is death, but perhaps on the other side is life. Well, I could just jump through. I just didn't want to do it without talking. That makes sense. I mean, I would be scared for you if you were to make that choice. Don't we think, well, Mortimer, you gave me pause when you to make that choice. Don't be thinking.

Mortimer, you gave me pause when you said, yeah, I wouldn't do that. Now I suddenly went, wait, am I a dumb duck? The more I think about it, well, if you don't see. Like if I don't see land, maybe I'd just be floating. Yeah, right. And I wouldn't be able to leap back because I would just. That's my concern. Oh, yeah, someone who can fly.

Hey, Blef, can you do a dexterity saving throw, please? Yes. 18. You cling tightly to the wall. When at the last second, a tear opens up about a foot away from your head. And the bang is so loud. You almost lose your grip on the wall.

My ears get flat. So the tears are almost like an attack. Then maybe does the arrow fall out of it? Terrible. Can everybody do a perception check oh this guy uh six 22 14 or nine uh you got four yeah okay i'm sorry but uhallytale, you hear what just sounds like a low laugh. Ew.

Oh, it's like a, yeah, you're right. It's a creepo. It's not an interdimensional coolness. It's a jackass. Yeah, in the pause between the cracks and the crunches, you just hear this like. Oh, I like the idea that it was a door to another world. I guess we should keep moving then, right? Unless it's following us.

But we have to figure out, it seems like we're just looping here. We're not actually getting anywhere. Yeah, that's an endless staircase. And I'd say like another 10 minutes tick off on your flight spell at this point. No, what? Six seconds at turn, right? Yeah, but we weren't- You had an extended discussion

and arrow shooting and waiting and- For 10 minutes though? Do you want to- For all that talk, sure. Chris. Bleb, do you want to try, didn't you say you were gonna, oh, you said you tried to dispel it.

Can you cast it at a higher level? I could cast it at fourth i guess it's only gonna work if it's the the level of the spell is lower or the same but i bet it's i thought it's a roll when it's higher you i thought you had to with dispel it was a beat uh level like wasn't it like 11 plus any spell of third level or lower uh on the target ends spell a fourth level or higher on the target make an ability check using your spell casting ability. Oh, so you know what? Do roll for the last attempt.

So with my spell casting ability, there's wisdom, which is... It should be on your spells. I got a 12. I needed a 17. Okay. So you didn't make it the first time. You can try it again at a higher level. You have a modifier. No, you

roll a 12 and add your There's a secret number of whatever the spell is. Let's say it's a level 9 spell. And add my wisdom, which is plus 3. Or add your, maybe it is your spell attack bonus. Yes. Oh, then that's an 18. Oh. One of the

stairs has lost an aura. Wow. Okay, so can we land on the stair and then figure out what's going on? Yeah. So you guys all either lower yourselves off the wall or stop your flight for a moment and get on the stair that the sort of spell curse seems to have been removed from. It's not a curse curse curse but then it would make

him roll remember we'll keep an eye out mordecai yeah because i know he's like slowly floating along to catch up with us right he caught him he got he is okay i'm just like very casually chatting with everybody about how cowardly this whoever is listening to us is you know it's just how they all they they love to sit on the sidelines. Some creatures are like that. You know, they're just too afraid ever to face. Okay, well I have a different dial.

It's just a 11. You don't hear a response. Everybody should agree with me, though, right? I mean, it's so pathetic. Yeah. It's really lame.

I heard Gluck sucks eggs. That's what I heard. Definitely doesn't indicate bravery. No. No. Hey, meow, right? Right, Gluck? Meow, meow.

Right? I'm telling you. I think he's pathetic. Well, good night. And I'd like to challenge him. Oh. Yeah. All right.

Now I would like an intimidation check from you. All right. Yeah, my intimidation is negative one. Talking shit is not quite. I'm so puffy. You all hear this really low voice um i am lord of the cloud i fear no dragonborn that sounds adorable really sounded like you said lord of the clowns though so i'm laughing. Well, you know what?

That's what I say to the guy. I would say you would hear that innately as you, Juniper Sharp and all of you probably would be just kind of like Lord of the Cloud? Yeah, big scary fluffy cloud. I'm terrified. Let's go.

I'm not afraid. Prove it. Why do you make your stairs unclimbable if you're not afraid? That's not exactly like a no one can hurt me, especially when they can't touch me. Can you roll another intimidation check? The dally tail is intimidation. Yeah.allytail is doing? Oh, intimidation? Yeah.

I wonder if this guy knows the Lord of the Stairs. 18. You all see this massive form appear like next to Dallytail on the stairwell. You look up Dallytail and a cloud giant with a long beard and a crown is now standing next to you smirking. He sort of like puts his hands on his hips and snorts.

You guys see that he is incredibly tall. He's taking up the entire stairwell and the way that he is incredibly tall. He's taking up the entire stairwell. And the way that he sort of came in looked like he was, it was some spell that he was dismissing. Oh, now I go. Oh, you are impressive. It's good to see you in your full glory.

So what's going on here? How come we can't get up these stairs? None may pass the stairs. Why not? It is None may pass the stairs. Why not? It is the way of the cloud. The cloud? More like it. Excuse me. Is there anything

we can do to sort of ensure our passage through? Any sort of offering? They tribute. I give a mean blowjob. Look at that helmet I mean Jesus Christ that's just really that is maybe

the most direct horrifying thing that I've heard in a while on this show yeah I'm trying he would be like he'd be like

maybe offer him a nice blowjob maybe the mean one sorry not a mean one a nice blowjob Maybe a mean one Sorry not a mean one A nice blowjob No tease Tender I am here

To make a mockery of lower beings I don't see any of them around Can everybody do an insight check? Yeah I don't know who you're talking to I'm a cat Meow I roll the mighty seven I don't know who you're talking to. I'm a cat. Meow.

I rolled a mighty seven. 16. What was that? What was that roll? Insight. Insight. 16. I got a 16.

19. Oh, baby. I got a 20. Nice. Oh, shit. Okay. Those of you who beat a 15 will get something a little special. But the rest of you are like, shit. Okay. Those of you who beat a 15 will get something a little special. But the rest of you are like, oh, okay.

This guy's full of shit for some reason. But if you can beat a 15, you can tell he's not... The whispering, the fact that he hasn't tried to strangle anybody and pop them like a zit yet, it feels a little bit like he's not that powerful.

Something weird is going on. Him. It's not like a kid, is it? No, I mean, it looks very much like a powerful cloud giant, but he is not attacking. He's older, but he's also wearing a crown. There's just something weird about it. Are you cursed?

Are you trapped here? Listen, my reasons for staying are not important. Maybe we could help each other. It would be an honor for us to serve a king. Oh, okay. I'll give you a persuasion check for calling him a fucking king after he called himself a lord he's gonna feel maybe a little buttered up

not as bettered up as ken would make him but oh i don't think so my butter up is only a six that's barely any butter yeah he just keeps sort of scowling and does lord of the clouds mean anything what did what was that you got did someone get a 20 glenn you got a 20 20 yeah he did when when you think about it you're kind of like i wonder if this guy's not alive this mountain is haunted is what we were told I wonder if he's like fucking with us but also like not really that in control of his ghost of a corporeal form a ghost of a badass that doesn't

have any power do you have any unfinished business we can help with I wish I could only slay the one that slayed me. Oh, we're in the slaying business. We love to slay things. Who slayed you, Meow?

The being at the top of the stairs. Well, if you help us get to the top of the stairs, we will slay the being. No. Yes. Yes. Shall I persuade you? Are you saying, no, I refuse Slay the being. No. Yes. Yes.

Shall I persuade? Are you saying, no, I refuse or? That's impossible. How could anyone do that? I mean it in, yeah, kind of like, like what is the word when you can't believe it? Incredulous? Very incredulous. Oh. Very incredulous.

Oh, okay. How could I help? Well, the curse here is very powerful. I do not know how to fix the stair, but I can have it stop going forever. That works. Yeah, and then maybe a little intel about the being. What will you offer me? Maybe a little intel about the being.

What will you offer me? Besides the promise I want something now, I long for something of this world to belong to me again, and I have settled for skeletons and dead ones. Mordecai can give you an onion. What kind? Is it a red or a yellow? Do you eat ghost? No.

Well, Mordecai is quite an amazing chef. If there was just one way you could smell or taste. I can smell, but I cannot eat. Oh, maybe Mordecai could make you a smelling menu. Would you like some mead? You can be like that. I cannot. That skeleton pirate in Pirates of the Caribbean.

He's finally like warming up to us. He like shows you, his hand passes through one of the stairs. He's like, I could destroy you, I think, but I could not pick something in jest that I do not know how. Would you like to know anything of the world outside that you might have missed? Do they still speak of the Lord of the Cloud? I think

I have heard. You could say that. There's a character in Mario based on you. I would say you guys would do an insight check. Nope. 19. 22. Do an insight check. Do an insight check. Nope. 19.

22. Oh, there you go. Blep, he's getting kind of worked up. He's getting kind of angry. You do think he could probably lash out in one way or another. It would probably be magic. But it seems as though he does, he did perk up a little at the idea of like his favorite meal or something about it.

Uh, he definitely seems proud. So there's something that could be sated here, but yeah, you moved on from the food, but he reacted to the food. Like what about the knowledge of the outside world? I mean,

he reacted to that too. Yeah. But you would have to, he doesn't know, like, right. Here's what I'll say to you, but if you're kind of like, Oh, he's called us a Lord of the cloud. He I mean, he reacted to that too. Yeah. But you'd have to, he doesn't know. Like, here's what I'll say too. But if you're kind of like, oh, he's calling us

the Lord of the Cloud. He doesn't remember his name. He's probably been dead for like a long time. Like he doesn't, he's not all there. Like if you ask him what his favorite food was,

he could probably tell you through a series of adjectives and feelings, but not like the name of it. Well, let's try that. Do you remember your favorite food? I remember. What was it like Well, let's try that. Do you remember your favorite food? I remember.

What was it like? Smoke. Uh-huh. And the smell of flesh burning. Ribs. Like Arby's. Oh, shit. Something.

Make some veggie ribs. Of the mountain. Of meat. A dead animal. Meat of a dead animal. From the mountain. Oh, barbecue squirrel. Make him some vegan.

Yeah, so Mordecai, why don't you... Hey, man, not cool. Mordecai, can you do an insight check? And I'll give you advantage. This is to try to think of something you have the supplies for that would smell like cooked mountain meat. Okay.

Of a mountain animal of some sort oh first one time yeah i think i so what's your insight addition to that uh it's a 16. so it's a plus one inside okay so first is 16 we can roll again you get advantage man okay okay ah okay we'll go yeah i would say that you think you have uh tofu and enough like smoky oil sauce that you might yeah see tan especially because it's almost like a fork and it can toughen more than tofu can make the texture and then uh you think you could pull it off yeah with You think you could pull it off? Flavor it, yeah, with different herbs and berries. And you do think there is a type of large sort of mountain ox called a roath that you could mimic the scent of it being cooked?

Yeah. Yeah, it can do something. Okay. So would you make the offer? Oh, sure, yeah. I offered to him to cook up a vegan alternative that he can smell. A what alternative? No, no.

Just tell him he's... I can cook up a... His favorite meal. Rove. Yeah. Yes. So Rove. He's like, yes, cook me the Rove.

Barbecue roved? Yes. Or barbecued Rove? Cook it now. Okay. Will you roll a performance check to start a fire? Come on, Mordecai. Cook the seitan and use your oils in the right timing.

Ten. Or did you? I don't have advantage to that. I will give you advantage because this is your wheelhouse. Oh, no. That's a seven. What's your performance? Seven's right over there, my dude.

That's a one. But you got advantage. We'll give you the first roll. Okay. You get a 10. So you managed to start cooking and you light a fire. It just does not smell unique. So you get this sort of fake Miko and he's like,

I need. What about my brewers? I need death in my face. Oh, death. Okay. What? What?

My brewers. Would you like to smell some? This will be a persuasion check with disadvantage. He's now starting to get really pissed off. Okay. Oh no. Well, okay. Oh, no. Well, oh, my God. I rolled a three and then a two.

Boom! He lifts a hand, and with sudden force and a concussive, just, like, crushing sound, just slams it down on the fire and puts the fire out and says i demand tribute we're working on you put the fire out you ding-dong is is this guy is he a ghost or is he cursed uh it seems like he's a ghost he seems he seems like he's dead and he can will himself to do something. Is there any other thing that would suit your desires?

I think you feel like you've got to come up with something on your own and he's not really in the mood to be interviewed right now. I've offered him a blowjob, vegan boar. Didn't respond to the blowjob, maybe because of the boundaries of the Dungeon Master and not the giant. Ghosts don't count as undead, do they? Yes, they do. I can destroy undead.

Yeah, but then we won't. Well, maybe. But yeah, he was going to help us, right? He said he can make the thing. I'm just saying it's plan B. No, no, no. Yes, definitely. Definitely.

Keep that in mind. I like how Blaine's already like, oh, there's a kid over there. Interesting. That's already like, oh, there's a kid over there. Interesting. Folks, that's a reference, too. Do we have any jerky or anything on this? No, I would, well, did any of you, like, choose as part of your starting gear an adventure cap?

Yeah, I have rations. So you would have some jerky, but you think you would have to treat it or do something to it to make it smell like it. I light some jerky on fire. I'm going to give you a performance check with not advantage this time, like Brian had. As you try to burn some jerky.

What if you rub it under sort of like, sort of like neck, throat area and get some musk. Oh yeah, I rub it on both of you. Oh, how dare you. Okay. This is performance, right? Yeah.

Okay. So that's 17 plus three, 20. Oh. All right. So you just start lighting some jerky on fire. No. First, I rub it all over the... Purr, purr, purr.

Purr, purr, purr. That's what he just said. Why don't you do it? He just said, why don't you rub it on Bleph? And also then I said, I would also do it on him. I'm going to express my anal glands onto it. He didn't do that. You're trying to make Bleph smell like meat?

No, I was trying to make the meat smell like animals. Meat smell like animal. Oh. More animalistic. So you're trying to get Bleph to express his- No, his anal glands have nothing to do with it. I was gonna say his glands find his ear, but you can keep going anal. I don't know anything about cooking,

but I did say anal gland express last night. You're trying to make it sound like fresher meat. Galley tail suggested it, and I thought it was a good idea, so then I said, I'll do it, but I'm also going to, you know, squirrel meat. Just burn some jerky for granted. All right, but you're going to...

Are you going to try to light it after you rub it on, Glep? I mean, yeah, I just like go like, whoop, whoop, and then now I light the jerky on fire. I can't believe something so goofy got a 20. Thank Dallydale for the suggestion because it's all him. I'm going to rub my hips on it. Just a touch of vermouth to the martini. Just wave the bottle. I'm going to smoke some jerky in my pipe. He, he like reaches down

and, as if pleading for you to put the jerky in his hand. Oh, there you go. Okay, I mean,

I lay it, I lay it in his hand. It's smoking. Now the flame went out, but it's like, it's smoking now, you know. What,

what is it you want of me? Can you help us get to the top? Yes. He, he, he like, he, he closes his eyes and waves his hand, and you can see the stairs ending just about 100 feet up ahead.

There's a large chamber there. Any tips on how to defeat your enemy? You must make a greater sacrifice than this, or defeat her in combat. Yeah, what's her deal? What is she? She is an echo of an archfey, long dead. Okay.

But more powerful than I. Love it. And she put you here? She slayed me and the dragon put me here. I see. Yeah, she works for the dragon, Meow. He just is sort of like staring harder into the jerky and tuning you out more and more

and he kind of like opens his mouth like up to his open palm and as he's about to eat it just kind of like you just see this like sparkling dust like carry both his image and the jerky away into nothingness

and you step into a slim gym. As you say, snap into a slim gym, there's a loud crack and bang in the air, and it's just perfectly timed. Alright, well, shall we carefully ascend and see what's the deal with the arch, evil archery?

We can't step on the other stairs still, right? No, it's all cleared, I think. Yeah. You can still detect there's an aura on the stair, but it's not much farther. I will give you as a gimme that as long as you cast fly one more time. Yeah. We will climb up the sides and Mordecai will delicately puff along behind.

All right. You head on up and you climb, fly your way up past the final stair and you hear some banging as the rips in time and space continue down in the stairwell behind you and around

the bend you know there is some sort of archfey like being an echo of a dead one that is more powerful than the giant and we'll find out what that's like on the next episode of nerd poker hi guys all right episode 7 we are on some stairs still

there's a portal there's a cloud giant he's huge Ken's character offered up a mean blowjob but this guy doesn't want to let us pass he warns us of someone we have to kill at the top of the stairs. Mordecai is offered to cook a meal for the cloud giant. We're heating up some neck rubbed beef jerky for him.

Nice. Anything you want to plug, Dan? Yes. If you're in Los Angeles, my new monthly show is going to be last Monday of the month starting in March, and it's called Warped Woods. It's a Bigfoot lounge, and our first show is going to be last Monday of the month starting in March and it's called Warped Woods. It's at Bigfoot Lounge and

our first show is going to have from our bonus episodes Mary Lynn Rice Cub and also Ever Maynard Lizzie Cooperman. It's going to be a very good show. I would love to see you and yeah if you're in Seattle I'll be coming to the Upper Left Comedy Festival so keep an eye out y'all.

Cool. I'm in Seattle on the 16th of March with Johnny Taylor and Seattle's very own Derek Sheen. Those shows are going to be nuts. It's at the Neptune Theater. I've done quite a fair... I've done it a few times and I always have a blast there

looking forward to it somebody just brought a action figure out onto the table it's the guy you didn't have to fight you made him a meal he's amazing it looks Nordic in nature Nordic by nature

not because I hate her. You down with OPP? Other people's pretentious reference? And then other dates, brianbassane.com And always we appreciate our Patreon

listeners. We appreciate all our listeners but especially the ones that sponsor the show. So join us at Patreon. And then what's the merch? I always forget. It's nerdpokerpod.com slash merch. Anybody else? Anything you want to plug?

Oh, no, I'm good. Thank you. Cool. Blaine, what's happening next week? We attribute the success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Well.

On the next Nerd Poker, Brian and Sam are trapped in an elevator with Bob Dylan, who goes into labor. Can Brian delete enough pictures of his dog to get proof that this is actually happening? All this and Ken is busted for taking steroids to win the Toyotathon. On the next Keys, Keys, Keys, Keys on Nerd Poker... Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker,

and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.