Nerd Poker - The Mountain Campaign - Episode 9

Episode Date: April 2, 2024

Oh an archfey. That's probably not that big a deal, just that thing that some people worship that cause trickery that undoes reality. And this is just a chill little negotiation where we give away some trayzure! Easy peasy. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey, it's Brian Poussaint, NerdPoker. We're calling it the Mountain Campaign. My friends are here, Sarah, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, and of course our kick-ass DM Dan Telfer welcome to nerd poker you're listening to Brian Posehn's nerd poker this is Rhodes Posehn this is the mount campaign episode 9 always sponsored by Sierra Mist. Thanks, buddy. Yay. We're in.

Remove the mic. Super pro move there. That's my eight-year-old son. I don't think that's true. He's got that Jack disease. 15 next month. Crazy. I live 15 next month. Crazy. I live with a man. Let's get in, friends.

My friends are here. Ken. Yeah, hi, Brian. How's it going? How are you? I'm all right. Sarah. Hello.

Hello. Chris. Brian, how are thee? Now, is that an old Keep Fishing in Jack shirt from back when it shot? No, it's probably, I got it from like Schraub has like a T-Public

page or something. I got it through that. That's great. Oh, I love it. Yeah. That was one of those pilots that we should have watched 20 years of that show. Blaine. Hey, I'm wearing my look well underpants nice i can't believe that show didn't get made either it's her well was perfect for people look well was what's his name right adam west yeah okay smigel wrote it right and it's just so funny non-stop funny it's great it's onel wrote it. Right. And it's just nonstop funny. It's great. It's on YouTube.

Check it out. Yeah. Watch it. Look well. Our DM Dan is here. Hail and well met. Hey, pal. How are you?

And Engineer Sam. Hello, sweet children. Good, good. Hey, dude. Hi. How are you? Good. You want to thank some people?

I will thank some people. I'm going to go ahead and thank Patreon supporters. Thank you so much, you guys, at the top two tiers especially, because you're given for a little gift, a little gift that goes out to Wade Long. Thank you, Wade. Thank you, Tom Gehring. Thank you, Dr. Wieners.

Thank you, Gazzardo's Key Largo to Fargo Cargo Embargo. Wow. Thank you, a Chad that doesn't suck. I know a couple of okay Chads. Yeah. They're not like, you know, we all know humanoid above ground dwellers.

Alright. I'm just going to highlight the ones that I'm doing uh michael teal thank you michael thank you fit the druid thank you yonder shonder thank you ryan smith thanks kayla the wonder poodle thanks tune 7 ad thank you kimberly kyle level thanks ditch wizard finally, thank you, Iva's Masks Unlimited. Unlimited. Masks. Lane, who are those supporters brought to us by? Supporters brought to us by Bionic Dick. Makes your dick bionic.

Side effects may include Lindsay Wagner ring and Falling Guy. Bionic Dick. Now that's a dick. And Oyster Moist. Locks in oyster moisture for the moistest oysters if you like your oysters moist hoist and foist some oyster moist locks in oyster moisture for the moistest oysters oyster moist now ai oyster boys get a little boy with crow blur Dan why did you do that that was like a trap everybody's faces

my stomach doesn't feel good my tummy feels weird now why do I feel like after I walked into the wrong hotel room okay it's time to talk about and with the voice that was missed when i was too sleepy to do it it's time to talk about what happened last time a nerd poker the mountain yeah yeah you like it Our heroes ascended the stair once built for giants and rooted around in some rocks.

You know, a squirrel did it too, so Dallytale really lived up to the squirreldom, and we got some nice fan service there. Then our heroes found around the bend of this ancient haunted city a large, sheer pink force field of some kind with a satyr standing in front of it. The satyr was kind of an asshole. She introduced herself as the Echo of Deldwin, an archfey,

which basically means a dead archfey. And she said she was interested in some offers about bringing her something. Everybody kind of wanted to just make a promise and just keep going. But she wanted power. We take you to the negotiations already in progress. Okay. So I just re-listened to the end of it.

Anybody else? Anybody else? The last step? Yes. Yep. So feel free to ask questions one thing i noticed was well two things i noticed first thing i noticed dally tail asked a question that i don't think i completely absorbed and if we weren't right about to end the episode i would ask you

to clarify oh okay can you remember what you said you said something that was kind of broad and then i made you roll intimidation and you botched it i thought it was about did this because the you had just changed from a uh your fey or whatever uh more like friendly character to a much bigger and the horns were twisted in the wings and so i think dallytale was wondering like are you somehow trying to show us what the demon that killed you looked like and then she was like no this is just the right and i think i think i misunderstood and interpreted that as like like oh you step into this oh i was i see and so oh i'm sorry i don't apologize i think no i think dally tales sort of being desperate to try and negotiate right when i re-listened to it too i was like i

i think i was just really eager to kill everybody so i am going to read not only i'm digging around for i have those flames i'm gonna use so like i more of them. I'll dig out when I don't have to talk so much, but that'll be like the pink wall. Okay. Cool. Okay. Um, and I'd like at least a couple more,

but digging around when I'm supposed to talk is great. Um, but the other thing I wanted to do, uh, and, and so she'll react, I think, uh,

very slight retconny to that in a much more subtle way. But also, I feel like I'm extra mean because I want to use the mini. And I may as well just bring it out. And then you guys are trying so hard to be diplomatic. And you rolled a couple of really high things. I should just put it out. And then if you become friends with her great chris did just botch right at the end i did but you know what again like it was like

he shouldn't have had to roll he was like he was asking her to clarify or like about her even and i took it as a like what you want to fucking go so he botched but also he botched like being curious as an intimidation which feels like off for me. Maybe that's why the archfey took it as a, you want to go is because I botched it so bad. Maybe I was trying to be like friendly and curious. And I ended it with like a, so is everything I killed you look like motherfucker,

but you deserve a couple of gimme's. Right. So I'm not done painting this. I'm very self-conscious about it, but this is easily the most complicated job. But you deserve a couple of gimme's, right? So I'm not done painting this. I'm very self-conscious about it, but this is easily the most complicated job. So this is her after she gets big and wants to freak you guys out.

Whoa! It's working. So that is like- Is it translucent? Part of it is, yeah. And so it's a, I took a, um, a cloud giant and then demon parts and like cut them up. It's like a turd either. So, you know, demons have hooves like Seder feet.

So that was, I just, all I had to do was cut the legs off the giant. Everything is so, is so kid bashed on that thing. So I'll add some gloss to the translucent parts and stuff before we play again. Oh, the dog just saw it. And now... Alright, Brian, look what I put out. Yeah, it's amazing. What is this thing?

And so. So that is the Echo of the Archfey. I don't like it. You did some amazing work, but I don't want it to murder us did some amazing work but thank you i don't want it to murder us i'll even the paint out and such before we uh use it again but um please dan i'm very disappointed no i got so competitive with myself for no reason but yeah so there she is and she's she's uh trying to intimidate you for sure. And I feel like at least now you understand the level of which she is powerful.

She said she's an echo, but she's, you know, present. So she would respond to what you said, Dallytail, with, It takes a lot of energy to be in this state. It's nearly impossible to destroy an archfey, a God. People worship me. They will always worship me. I will not disappear while that is so.

However, I will not disappear while that is so however I have been enslaved and I am doomed to guard this gate I could break my pact if I were more powerful so that is why that offer was so interesting

to me particularly when you revealed that extra soul I sensed amongst you was some sort of coin and then there were murmurs of books yeah i think we we left it that it was we were a little confused about what we were going to get out of this deal uh because you kept trying to ask us for power so that you could go i kill your right i will be. I plan to destroy all of you very easily.

Particularly if you stay standing in front of me. For that is part of the pact I was forced to take. But if you were to please me and that way of pleasing me were to make me powerful enough to free myself from the pact then I would

be interested to hear what you want hmm however the depths of my despair are planes deep oceans wide I am not particularly interested in negotiation you piqued

my interest guys I'm asleep in a sunbeam my interest. Guys. I'm asleep in a sunbeam. Props to Blaine for keeping that bit going for 10 episodes. You told her about the book. We didn't know that you had gone back and gotten that evil book. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you were keeping

that a secret and then you said it you were keeping it a secret from everybody else, right? And then you. Yeah, I don't care if it's a secret or not i like it um right uh is it dwendel dwendley deldwyn deldwyn mighty deldwyn would you mind if we had a moment to talk within our group? She puts her hands up like as kind of a gesture of I don't know. Knock yourself out? Yeah, go nuts. And she just sort of disappears.

Alright guys, get him. Run. We have to go through. We can't go around or over or under. So I think the choice is just do we want to give her a bunch of power and hope that she trades us to get through and what does she want it sounds like she wants the coin the coin or maybe that book right yeah i have removed curse it's one of my new six level spells okay so i'm gonna can i remove the curse from the coin i

what level can you cast of that i feel like when you say level six well i mean well now that i'm now that i'm level six i have a new spell as well it's probably level three is as high as you can go uh then i will cast it at third level i will cast it as high as i can uh do remove curse third level abjuration yeah that's it okay so you cast it on the coin? yeah nothing happens unfortunately

aww meow hey maybe just for future reference maybe don't cast the spell before we at least get to talk about it I know you're evil now but yikes I'm gonna cast remove curse

on you I disappear that's all he was is there something from the book that we can use against her that's true you could with the book of vile darkness he just told you what it's called by the way oh my god and you've got those

cards you could could you like whammy her to which i think blinker i think blaine attuned to the book and you did not attune to the cards i said to the helmet a long time ago correct but i was but didn't you try and not manage to attune to the cards? I was trying to attune to the cards. You did? Yeah. Did I give you the link for it? Yeah. Great. Well, I'm not attuned yet. I was just looking at it. Okay.

Yeah. I mean, it is a deck of dimensions. If you guys could use your new gifts, how fortunate would that be? Sorry, folks. It's been a month. Yeah. What a month. Yeah. What a month. What do you think, Juniper?

Are you thinking attack this creature? My mind was I was in a meditative state while my puppeteer was checking a text message. Oh, I'm sorry. No, I just sort of meant in general as far as They were talking about the new book and the new

deck of cards as potential weapons. Yes, yes, to use. I mean, like, I feel like the deck, I actually feel like the deck of cards might be a good gift because do we really want to be able to have the ability to travel to other planes? I mean, it helps us travel, not just necessarily to other planes. That's true.

But I guess, I mean, like, its value to her, a single card, can it's value to her a single card can we give like a single card from the deck do do do do do this six no it's the deck itself that like is oh that does it is enchanted as it were but we could let her use one card or something if she gave us passage as we said, you could open a portal to hell. Like, isn't that where she got stolen from? Who attuned the cards? It wasn't me, right?

It was me. Yeah. And here's what you know about what happened to her. She probably is from the Feywild. At some point, she went to the Nine Hells and was killed. And her Echo was discovered by Glut and enslaved. And brought here. Okay.

But potentially you have cards to both either the Feywild. She, uh, yeah, she, she told her she was slain by an arch demon and, she would love to get revenge. She knows if she had a soul, she could work up the ranks of the nine hells.

Yeah. Well, what if we give her passage to the Nine Hells, then she can be in the place where she needs to be and steal as many fresh souls which are lying on the ground in Hell. Yeah. I'm looking to see which... She's really cool looking, Dan.

Thank you. We get some good pictures of her online? We shall. Yeah. Or we could kill her could kill the arcane yeah we could just fight her it fell apart i can't see anything oh yeah the so that's the legs present the weapon and the wings and the horns were all like stuck on her and cut up so i had to step ways it down for sure take out a fucking modeling like knife and just like whittle all the limbs and redo everything still looks like it's floating and that's not an easy task that's pretty cool this is from a beholder the base with the little thing what's

the little like saw tool like a dremel is that what that is dremel tool do you guys have those i've never used one but i've seen them yeah is that what you would use for that kind of thing i had a modeling kit that had those uh that you just like you know get it at like a place that does these or warhammer and then um i actually have a cuisinart knife that they recommend for when you're kit bashing stuff because there's plastic this hard doesn't always yeah very well. And I also don't do it the right way. I do it what I think is easy and fun. Sure. So I use a knife for a lot of it because you can just like put the leg

down and kick, kick, kick. I'm not sure there's anything that these cards can do for her. Arcane Gate. I can cast Arcane Gate. We definitely don't want a fighter, right? I mean, I think that's a last resort.

I think we will. It's on the table. But I think we better. It seems pretty formidable. The fact that she's that size. What about the gate? You couldn't open a gate for her? It's a gate.

But no, it's a gate that goes from one spot to another spot. Like Misty Step? What would you do, Miss Ness? Oh, sorry. I've never asked that. What if we just point out that if she lets us through, we're going to kill... Is it Glut who trapped her, right?

Yeah. So if she lets us through... You'll get revenge through us. Right, exactly. Just let us through. That's what the cloud guy also could do. As leader, you should say that. Everybody do an insight check please

so great not to be sam this is when we use dice yes today's opposite day can i mention uh ken very cool lee gave me some new squirrel dice that i've never ever seen before it's like a sort of what would you say like a see-through crystalline dice with a little toy squirrel on the inside. It's like an embedded squirrel inside it. Dogs love them. Um, no, I did not. I had no insight into any. Swarovski or whatever.

Is that what that is? Yeah. Bone brain games. It's pretty fancy. What do we got? Sounds like Sarah is not impressed with her role and does not want to play share what were we rolling insight oh insight yeah I got a 24

nice I got a 23 I got a 9 Mordecai got a 16 Mordecai's my character I feel like we haven't said that enough yet Mordecai the equaler character. I feel like we haven't said that enough yet. What's Kordaka?

The Equaler. He hasn't equaled anything lately. I rolled a five. Okay, well we got a couple in the 20s, it sounds like. Am I the only person who watches Latifah's show The Equalizer? Like, in America?

I don't hear anybody else talk about that show ever. Really? It's probably right. That's the kind of TV I like. I watch a lot of Dick Wolf. Yeah, the Denzel one. I've seen the Denzel one. No, I'm talking about before that.

Oh, that show was great. And Zabka was the son? Yeah, yeah. Zabka from Cobra Kai? Oh, so was the the son yeah yeah yeah zapka from cobra kai oh so good yeah yeah yeah uh no but i actually like the latifa one and and even though it's not totally believable when she beats up like eight guys because she moves like seagal it's like as believable as well she's like in her 50s and can probably do it. And she's my size, too. She's a big lady.

She's 6'7"? She's pretty big. She's pretty tall. And she's... I haven't seen the Equalizer in a while. I was watching the Splendorizer, the Sweet and Lowizer, and the Sugar and the-izer, and the sugar and the raw-izer.

She's probably a six-foot, like, you know. You asked for Tamer. But compared to the other people on the show, she always looks huge. All right, well, it sounds like we have not come to a conclusion. No. No. I mean, I think that we should just say, let's try to pitch to her, like, let us through.

And then. Oh, wait, didn't we just do a roll? The insight. Oh, yeah. She wasn't impressed. Well, here's the insight check with the 20s. Let me get the point of that although she is intrigued for you to um give her something that would uh indulge her fantasy of basically being an alive god again is more appealing than the idea of

letting people past and uh since a couple you got 20s uh pluses what i'll what i'll throw in there is a group glibbles's adventuring group has gotten past here before so it is possible they didn't kill her so they must have sacrificed something or uh done what you heard they did with the uh seromorph giant but you were unable to do which is stealth yeah why don't you ask her who has the best persuasion me I like how fast that was fire tongue that the party before us how did they

how did they get through what did they offer we just want our offer to be intimidation I can intimidate her I don't know that that's interesting i'm going to stand uh nestled at mordecai's neck possibly behind his his uh wing mordecai what's your persuasion bonus uh nah hi i have a three christmas love i have a zero i have a negative one i could i could uh trip and chip a tooth. What is you?

Pitch posh. It's absolutely pitch posh. What am I asking again? So I was looking at the helm of brilliance or whatever it's called. You're going to ask how the party before us got through. Oh, yeah. But note that we're asking because we want to make our offer comparable, not because we're... And she's not present.

So, you know, you would have to kind of formally bring her in. We clap her back like the clapper. Echo, echo, echo. She kind of lets you like cook for a minute, like and feel kind of goofy about it before she finally. Re-apparates. So you said there was a group that went past you before. What? How did they?

Time out. Yeah. She has not talked to you about this at all. Sorry group that got past you before. How did they... Time out. Yeah. She has not talked to you about this at all. Sorry. As far as you know, she is unaware anyone has gotten past her. Oh. We only know because glibbles. So we were just assuming that, you know... Right.

That's what I was trying to tell you. So that she doesn't... I'm going to hit the rewind button. We don't know. You can say that if you want to, but yeah. I they either reframe it they either offered her something or they snuck past so so you want to be a little more intentional about how you bring it up because she doesn't necessarily know i don't think there's any downside to you just being like we're pretty sure someone got past you before.

Do you know how they did that? Yes. Someone did get past. And how did that? I was given a gift that allowed me to take this form once again. Interesting. What sort of gift was that? The gift of a soul. Oh, oh well now we know what it is he gave that glibbles would know what yeah yeah what they did exactly well

also i'm just like if he gave a soul then maybe we give his soul just kidding just kidding that would Just kidding. Just kidding. I would never do that. I think you're really funny. No. Right? That's evil. What are you, an evil cat?

Yes. No, we can't do that. Souls are precious. All right. Yeah, what do you think we should do? Hmm. Meow. Is there, would you accept a gift of like maybe a dead bird or a mouse

like that kind of a soul uh she stares at you i'll take that as a yes what if we can help you get revenge prove it prove you're that powerful that you could kill Glut or get revenge. That's our whole purpose. You don't look particularly impressive. He can cook. Meow can he cook. True. True. We're

stronger as a whole than we are as individuals. As a group, it's how we plan to defeat this glut. And we'll do it for you or with you. All right. This will be the final persuasion check on this subject. Brian.

All right. Dallytail looks at Juniper. He's doing it. Our leader. God damn it. Oh. Oh. Look what encouragement

can do. Holy shit. It's a 20, kids. What's your bonus just for fun? A crit's a crit. I don't have one on persuasion. Oh, it's a plus zero? Yeah. We had one from Dallytail like that. It's just like in real life. Oh, it's a plus zero? Yeah. We had one from DallyTale like that. Ten. Wow.

That's fine. Well, my real life is four. She cocks her head curiously and says, I'd still like you to prove it, so I'll tell you what. And she holds her scythe to the side and says, Take this from me, and you won't have to kill me, but I will let you pass. Everyone roll initiative, please.

Oh, well, there you go. But, but, but... 16. 13 plus 3. It's great when you guys say numbers to yourselves. 20. Again. I can't wait for me to make you say this all again.

400 million. I'm sorry. But wait. I'm just like never going to be prepared for this. Sometimes, but not often. Boop, boop, boop. Boop, boop, boop. All right.

So, Brian, you said you had 20? Yeah. 17 plus 3. Nice. Blaine, what'd you get? 16? 16. 13 plus 3.

Great. Ken, what'd you get? 15. 13 plus 2. Sick. Sarah? 23. Ooh-hoo-hoo.

Oh! Christopher? Christian, actually. 11. Oh, excuse me. Oh, not at all. The horrors. I like that. Like, are you named after

Christian Leitner? Oh, I don't know. I don't know who that is. That is a terrible basketball player. He was not terrible. Shut up, Pops. I was obsessed with him when I was like 12. I met him. No.

I played high school basketball in Minneapolis. I have i have his jersey where was he a bull uh no he was the minnesota timberwolves he came from duke university and he was the only college player on the dream team in 1992 oh no yeah i'm actually i'm like did i meet him maybe not i don't think the timing works out well oh you know i did know you were a liar. Well, it was another Timberwolf. Was it Sam Mitchell? No. It was the... Okay, we can't do this right now. They love it when we do sports.

Sarah has so many rivals. I'm looking right now. We're in initiative. We're in battle. She gets a 13. So, up first, we have Juniper. Tickler.

I'm going to... Sorry, I was looking at Christian Wiener. He was a power forward. I know exactly who I'm thinking of and as soon as it comes to mind i'm gonna be really excited um okay i am going to uh if i may

misty step and then just try to grab the um the scythe i love it all right may i mother may i i do so okay so uh distance, but yeah, yeah, that's the thing. How how these are all are these real time spaces? Each space is five feet. So five, 10, we go five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 35, 40, 45, 50, 55, 60. We'll say 60 feet away. And I'm getting to...

People know Misty Step right off the bat, right? No. Who knows Misty Step features? It's a bonus action? Sorry, it's tough because... I think you can move up to 30 feet. Thank you for apologizing.

If your movement is 30 and you want to add a Misty Step for apologizing. Yeah, it's, if your movement is 30 and you want to add a Misty Step 30 on top of that, that's enough. Oh, okay. You just got to like run at her or do Misty Step then run.

My movement is, I think, it's 40. So actually, so it should. You can go 40 feet? Yeah. To run?

No, just my walking. That's your walking? Okay, great. and I know monks can do a bunch of speedy ups. So how are you going to reappear in the air to grab it? How are you going to do that? Yeah.

How high up is it? It will be very literal. It is about the tip of it, which I'm assuming you don't want to grab is five feet off the ground. But it's like five, ten, it's like 15 feet. The handle is about 15 feet off the ground because she's hovering um okay yeah so i'm gonna um teleport i guess to the so that i'm gonna be able to like just grab on like monkey bars onto the handle and then i'm just gonna like a bash her hand with something to make her release okay this is the plan with just out of shock.

And that's what my plan is. Okay. Say one more time because I was taking photos. I was not paying attention at all. Dan, say that for later. What are we doing? Wikipedia now? That's on me. Late-mirror, texting our spouses.

This is, okay. So I'm going to misty step. Thank you. To like, I'm going to hold on like a monkey bar onto the handle of the thing. Thank you for redoing. And then I'm going to bash her hand so that she's like ow and then like releases it and then I'm going to fall to the ground holding

the thing. Great. Okay. So you run forward. You misty step right up to it and you're going to bash her hand. Roll to bash. Is this a disarming strike? Is that a thing? It is. Yeah, absolutely. That's exactly what it is then.

It's something monks can have I believe. I've never seen it on my list, so if you tell me I have it, I'll take it. But I don't believe that it's something that I know about. Let's see. It's stunning strike that I'm thinking of. You can disarm easily after stunning strike. Do you have stunning strike? I it's stunning strike that i'm thinking of you can disarm easily after stunning

strike do you have stunning strike i do have stunning strike okay um but that's after i hit with a melee weapon attack then i have to spend a key point so and she'd have to fill a constitution saving throw i'm gonna help you could you attack like stab her fingers stun her and then do a second attack? Yes. I mean, I could do that, yeah. I don't want to keep attacking her, though. She said just take the thing, so I'm not trying to truly attack her. If I can get

it out of her hands... I'm just trying to help you for maximum bang for your buck here. Yeah, and I think she would understand that you're trying to get it. How about if it doesn't... If she doesn't release, then I'm going to attack again, but maybe she's going to release on the first, right? Alright, so yeah, roll to attack the first time and I'll move you up. So that is

a 16. That is a miss. Okay, then I get it. Now I'm using my second attack, right? Okay. That was cocked. 19? That's a hit that's your stunning strike

so that is my she can only do stunning yeah after a hit so I hit and then I can spend a key point to make the target stunned until the end of my next turn if it fails a constitution saving throw will it though great question what's the DC a constitution saving throw. Will it though? Great question.

What's the DC on that saving throw? The table is just moist now. Moist like oysters. Still waiting on that number. Is that on me to provide? Yeah, probably. I hate there's too many pages and too many pages. Too many pages on digital.

What am I looking for, Dan? I miss when comedy was stunning. I know I have standing strike. It's a constitution saving throw. She is 15. I see. Okay. Yes.

Thank you. That's what I was waiting for. So she has a plus one to her con. That's a 19. Okay. So she fails, but did she open her hand when I hit it? She didn't fail. She succeeds.

Yeah, she succeeds on this, but what about when I hit her? Did she... How many points did you hit her for? You didn't have me roll. You just wanted me to do the same. Oh, I just assumed. I assumed if you were hitting, you were rolling the damage. I did not prompt you because it felt so simple.

I was really just going to hit her with my... It's an unarmed strike. So 10. Nice. From an unarmed strike? Yeah. Holy cow. I have very pointy elbows.

That's smart. I'll have her... You brought your elbow down on her knuckle? Yeah. Holy cow. I have very pointy elbows. That's smart. I'll have her... You brought your elbow down on her knuckle? Yeah. To try to just get... Ow! No, she holds onto it. Cool, now I'm just...

To the ground? No, now I'm just hanging on it. Oh, you're hanging like a monkey? I think maybe this little... Substituting a goblin for juniper, its axe might be perfect for a little bit of a... I'm just going to try to chill there, yeah. Wow, that's terrifying. I love it.

Now I need to take another photo. Brian, you're up. Put me in the back. Sarah, can you put a hood on while I take a photo? You might need to explain that. Yeah, but don't. How far do I

sorry worst joke of the season with your movement 30 yeah right six tiles all right yeah

are you charging at mordecai no i'm just closing the distance yeah nice can i still fire a crossbow from here yeah absolutely okay i'm gonna fire a crossbow bolt at her hand okay at that hand now called shot i ask for a crit okay or i'll i'll take a dirty 20 but otherwise it'll just hit her no what is that a nine yeah What's your plus to hit? Plus five on that. Ah, that'll be a miss. Do you get to do another one, though?

I don't. Can I just say attacks per turn? You're a fighter. I feel like it's possible. Extra attack. You can attack twice whenever you take the attack action on your turn. Roll to bolt. Equal air.

Oh, yeah. There you go. That's a hit. Oh, cool. And wait, what's your bonus to hit? A plus five. Oh, shit. That's hitting her hand. That's a 23 to hit so d8 d8 plus 2 teamwork

makes the dream work we're the dream team after all juniper the sleeper we're all on skateboards drinking Juniper! The sleeper! We're all on skateboards drinking cran grape. Oh, fun.

It's an ocean spray. That's nice. Six. Six points of damage? Yeah. Alright. Did she release her hold? I'm ready. It's going to hit her in the hand and she's going to? I'm ready.

It's going to hit her in the hand and she's going to roll to hold on. I had other bonus actions I could use, but I didn't. Oh no, she keeps holding. She got a 20 on that extra hold. Grabby throw. Really? Yeah. God damn it.

Even with a 20. It's weird how dead God's hard to take a weapon from. Yeah. God damn it. Even with a 20... It's weird how dead God's hard to take a weapon from. Alright, anything else, Brian? You got a bonus action or anything you want to use? No, that was it. Blaine, it is you. I'm going to...

There's two of me now. Yay! Centricity? Yes, one of them's... Centricity? Yes. One of them's going to run up and take a swing. It's going to try to scramble up her leg. You know how sometimes cats can climb up your leg, meow? With their claws.

And while that one's climbing up her leg, I'm going to go over and use my mace of smiting on her hand. Okay. to go over and uh and mace uh use my mace of smiting on her hand okay i mean i hope uh 12 plus 1 13. oh okay yeah anything else for you this turn i guess not meow okay yeah anything else for you this turn i guess not meow okay i either can't name yashi that would run up my back and and sit on my shoulder yeah that's what my cat duncan does he's obsessed with it hey is this isn't she's not undead is she i think you would have to figure that out. You want to roll an insight check? Can I please? Mm-hmm. Yeah. 15 plus 6, 21.

Ooh, interesting. You feel like because she is an Echo, she is not undead. She probably is still Fae. Okay. Alright. Interesting. I'm good against undead. But not this.

thing. I'm good against undead. But not this. Alright. Anything else? I know that's it. Thanks. Great. I'm going to run up 30 feet so that I'm within 60 feet of her.

I'm going to use the Helm of Brilliance to cast Prismatic Spray. Nice. And I'm choosing Indigo as the color. Fun. Alright, so she's doing a Dexterity saving throw. Yes.

What does she need to make? 18. Oh boy, she sure didn't make that. Alright, so, Indigo. On a failed save, the target is restrained. It must then make a constitution saving throw at the end of each of its turns. Uh-oh. So she's restrained.

Oh, fuck. Nice. Yay. Alright, let's see if I have the restrained ring. I have those little rings. Anything else? Hasn't he done enough? No, I'll hold. You'll hold?

You're done? Yeah. Okay. Nice job, Ken. Thanks. I say great job to all of us. I mean, not me. I haven't done anything.

For me, I failed. Valleytail is getting so much more cheerful as the season progresses. I mean, the campaign. It's okay, meow. I'm just an animal. She lowers her left hand and everywhere I go, two orbs of pink light head towards Mordecai and Pushpunch is she restrained?

yes hang on I thought she could do this I have to look up the restraint rules for her that's so mad at me I don't think mad is really how look at this cheater Sarah sit down.

Somebody needs to... She is storming up and down the length of the house. Oh dear. Attacks have advantage. And they have disadvantage on dexterity saving throws. It does not mean she can't attack.

I think we can all agree that the word restrained implies right i would think let's all be mad at it well maybe it's just because dad gestured with his arm and it seems counter to the notion of restraint yeah restraint okay maybe she has like emotional restraint by the way my favorite rolling stones save three times she becomes petrified oh cool oh my she's going to do her second one right in a second

alright I got to do this before my computer dies but can you plug in I think we're just going to send your computer to grandma's farm right Blaine so it's going to just be free it's going to be able to log on all over the place oh my god it's gonna just be free it's gonna be able to yeah i'll uh when uh or over there log

on all over between episodes i'll try to log so much um it's gonna be with all the other computers and laptops some think pads so as i was saying she points uh two orbs of pink like can you guys mordecai and pish posh do a dexterity saving throw. You got this. Under protest. Mordecai, you got wings. Come on. You got this. Yay. Yay. 21.

19. Alright, both of you just sort of like go, oh shit, and the lights pass you by. She then looks at her scythe with Juniper on it

and points one of her fingers at you, Juniper. Can you please do a constitution saving throw? Okay. I think it's 11, but I have my ring that I think does something for me here, right? That I'm carrying. Remember that ring that I have?

Yeah, the ring of dexterity enhancement. Something like that. ring of protection um plus one to bonus to ac and saving throws so nice so just but still 12 okay you see a bolt of pink energy arc out of her finger and there's just sort of a one sound it hits you and it begins to feel like you are falling apart. Does this count as a ranged weapon attack or is it just a ranged spell? This is a necromancy spell called Finger of Death. It's not a ranged weapon. It's a ranged Finger of Death.

Yeah. It's a ranged Finger of Death. Okay. And where is my digital dice? I guess what I'm saying is I can't like dodge i can't do any of the things to like get it looks like a ranged attack but actually it's just a spell yes it is it is necrotic energy it's a ranged spell but isn't she in melee or does that not matter oh i don't think it matters i I think you can do melee.

Even when you're restrained? Now he's mad. Sam, we got him. Now I'm like, well, Chris is smart, he said. Doing a little semantic damage. Oh, no, I don't know. The difference between melee and range.

Oh, it, I don't know. It's just the difference between melee and range. Mm-hmm. Oh, it's with disadvantage. Oh, okay. And let's see. If someone is a cat. Yeah, she's with disadvantage. you can uh have advantage on this sarah if you want to roll again she's not doing a spell attack i don't think with finger so advantage on my constitution saving okay well it's the same because i rolled lower that i mean i'm not going to roll twice now i've already rolled once that's only fair okay so uh how many points do you

have why do you care so so listeners know how much this hurts well but tell me first and then i'll tell everybody you take 53 points of necrotic damage absolutely this is why i thought we weren't really fighting her i thought we were pulling our punches to try to get the thing away i thought this was like uh foils you know or whatever i'm obviously unconscious but i'm not dead dead but i'm close because uh i have 30 points and i have to be negative 30 right to just be immediately and um would juniper try to throw herself over the size and cling to it as she went unconscious or would she let go and try to land as she went unconscious because i will let you do i have it i wait i can react just to what my body does um because you chose to cling to it i'm just asking i might i might give you a really difficult dexterity saving throw to not fall i mean i think i'm not going to be able to I think I'm not going to be able to hold

on so you fall I can maybe use my reaction slow fall to reduce the damage of falling if I'm still conscious as I fall but I don't I don't think this is more about you angling your body

you take three points of bludgeoning damage after you fall unconscious. I really thought this was like pretend fighting. Yes. Why did you really try to hit her? She's a dick, is the thing. How are we doing on time, Sam? Five minutes.

Great. Okay, so we'll probably just end with the last turn in the turn order. That'll work out great. And then that I think... Is that going to do it? Yeah, that'll do it for her turn. So she's got to do that constitution saving throw.

What does she need? Disadvantage. What does she need to roll does she need is to roll oh i guess 18 oh she fails again that's two fails jesus one more and she's petrified all right and then uh chris yeah um dally tail, let's see. Uh, I want to be within range. I will, uh, use my, I have 35 feet of movement. So I'll move up,

let's say along the left side. If somebody could kind of move me. So I'm, uh, on the other side of, uh, more kind perfect. Uh,

I'm going to fire my, uh, long bow at her hand as she's petrifying to try and same thing, try and dislodge that thing. just know I'm ready. I've got a potion, a healing potion ready to go for Juniper in a second.

Okay, so I fire my bow. Boing. Oh, it's a one. You shot me. Went down on the ground. I'm sure you're... Will you roll a d100, please?

Dan, how dare you? Again, thanks to Ken's squirrel dice. Here we go. 100. That's a 78. Alright, so this is going to cut your fingers. My paws.

And hit an artery because it's in the 70s. You're going to drop your bow. Got it. And you're going to take... That'd be 27 points of piercing damage. Jesus. Quite an artery in my hand.

Squirrels are built different. You're now bleeding. Squirrels have most of the blood vessels. Everyone knows they got them bloody hands. Yeah, and bloody squirrel hands when you say I'm bleeding do you mean to attach like a game penalty thing to that? uh no

okay sorry that was narrative sauce no no I just wanted to make sure and uh yep I'm assuming you want to do one more thing with your turn uh yeah well I dropped my bow I'm gonna get get blood all over Sarah. Yeah, I guess what I'll do is I will maybe wrap something around my hand

and pick up my bow in preparation for next time. Okay. That's all I can do. And we'll have to see how this plays out on our next episode. Yay. Sam? Hi. All right, episode nine. We're still

talking to Dwellwyn. She looks awesome, by the way. We're either going to help her or kill her. We're reminded that Brian is playing Mordecai, who then rolled a 20 on persuasion. Sarah is attacking to get something out of her hand. Now Mordecai is trying, and now Blaine is trying. Sarah was livid that Dan messed up

the restraint rules and was rewarded by being knocked unconscious. And Chris shot a longbow at her hand and almost cut his paws off. Nice. Anything you want to plug, Dan? I will be running my hour at the Glendale Room on 420. I will be, my friends Katie McVeigh and Lisa Wallen will do sets. Come on by, nerds.

And I will be, I don't know if this comes out in time, I'll be at the Upper Left Comedy Festival in Seattle March 25th through 28th. April. April 25th through 28th. Cool. I got a bunch of dates. I'm in Nebraska coming up. I've got Arlington Drafthouse again. And before that, I've got Buffalo in the beginning of April.

Helium. And my comics are super close to coming out. It's so crazy. Issue one of Grommets and Rifters are about to come out in April and May. So check those out. You've shown us some of the art for Grommets and Rifters are about to come out in April and May. So check those out. You've shown us some of the art for Grommets. It looks so cool. Yeah, and the special covers we're doing, the variants are really cool too.

I'm so happy with it. Blaine. We attribute the success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Blaine. We attribute the success to save mankind from... Thanks for joining us on this epi... You got walls and a roof? Well... On the next Nerd Poker, Sam's body rejects

his bionic dick, but Brian'll give it a good home. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.