Newcomers: Scorsese, with Nicole Byer and Lauren Lapkus - Batman Livestream (w/ Jon Gabrus and Bobby Moynihan)

Episode Date: April 9, 2024

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Batman: Improvised Livestream! Lauren and Nicole are joined by special guests Bobby Moynihan and Jon Gabrus to celebrate the end of this very special season with a Batman-themed improv show and pizza party that can only be described as once-in-a-lifetime. Check it out! Follow Bobby: Instagram, TwitterFollow Gabrus: Instagram, TwitterNext week tune in to hear our first episode of season SEVEN covering Martin Scorsese films! First up is Taxi Driver (1976)!Like the show? Rate Newcomers 5 stars on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and leave a review for Nicole and Lauren to read on the pod!Follow the podcast on Letterboxd.Advertise on Newcomers via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Batman live stream finale wow we did it I'm Lauren Lapkus. And I am Nicole Byer. Oh boy, we're so excited to be joined by two very special guests today to help us celebrate the end of the season. Comedians and Batman fans, John Gabrus and Bobby Moynihan. Woo!

John Gabrus. I don't like calling you John. No, it's weird. It's understandable. It doesn't feel correct. What do you call him, Gabrus? Yeah. Oh calling you John no it's weird it's understandable it doesn't feel correct what do you call him Gabrus yeah

oh yeah I get that yeah most people do it feels weird when you introduce me to someone else or when I introduce myself to someone

I have this like moment where I go like I'm John Gabrus everyone calls me Gabrus because if I just straight up say I'm Gabrus yeah

I have like three more follow up questions like what interesting what ethnicity is that and I'm like I'm Gabrus. I have like three more follow up questions. Like what? What ethnicity is that? And I'm like,

I'm just white. Well, your parents are white. I'm young Gabrus. My last name's Smith. And then they're always like, Gabriel, nice to meet you. And as a matter of fact, friend of ours,

Zach Woods coached my improv group and I like didn't have, when I firsted my improv group and I didn't have, when I first started at UCB, I didn't have the balls to say I wasn't Gabriel and I kinda just went by it for two full sessions. He's like, Gabriel, you're up? And I'm like, well. Zach Woods is pretty mean and intimidating.

Yeah, he's the meanest. I was fucking seven years older than him when this was happening. He was a child and I was like, that's impossible. No, yeah, Zach Woods, that's impossible. No. Yeah, Zach Woods, he's very young. He's not very young anymore. No, he's still very young.

I know. Well, you were talking about this the other night that we all feel like we were, when we started improv and we were so young, that it still feels like you're the young person and then you're suddenly not anymore. When the person you think is the young person, you find out that they're not young anymore. Here's my perfect example.

Dominic Dyrkus turned 40 this week. And to me, he's been a fucking child my whole life. I'm 42. I'm two years older than him, but he always looked preternaturally young. Now the dude is like a father and a showrunner or whatever. And I'm like, this fucking kid. It's nuts. We're old. Now we're old. I'm like, this fucking kid. It's nuts.

We're old. Now we're old. I'm older than all of you. How old are you? I'm 47. You're not older than Nicole. No one knows her age. I'm 68.

68, really? Today. And also a goblin. I can't ignore that people are saying they can't hear me. Hello? I can't ignore that people can't hear me. A few different people are saying I can hear everything fine and I can hear ignore that people are saying they can't hear me. Hello? I can't ignore that people can't hear me. A few different people are saying I can hear everything fine and I can hear it all. What the fuck?

I thought we could listen to the chat. Put the mics on the table. I don't want to not be heard for the whole time. Maybe. Just something I'm interested in. Sorry, it's going to sound bad right now. We're fixing it. Has Lauren even been talking or is it the shitty mics?

Wow, Julie. Okay, chill the fuck out, Julie. We're picking them right out of the chat. Is this better? Yeah, Julie, is that better? I hope you're okay, Julie. Julie. I feel like Julie's having a panic attack in her room right now.

She's like, oh my God, they can see me. They hate me. You don't have to kick them out. I wonder if Basil's my old roommate from New York. Was your roommate named Basil?

Sure was. Well, that would be a weird guess. I wonder if Basil's my roommate from New York. I mean, my roommate's name was New Chef. He loved Basil.

He just loved it so much. You had a roommate named Basil? What was the situation? He was from France. And I guess in France that's a name that people have. How'd you find each other? Craigslist.

Wow. He was your husband for a little while, then shifted down to roommates. And then we were like, we can't get divorced, but let's just be roommates. And then he invented the spice. He did. It's named after Basil.

And you consider Basil a spice, not a plant? Have you ever had that? Woo! That's how you know you're white. This basil, ooh, got me sweating. I have a serious question about basil. We just started, we got a basil plant. We're getting into cooking.

Mike is, actually, Mike is. I'm not. I'm watching and I'm eating it. I love this ultimate moment of honesty. It was weird enough for you to say we're getting into cooking and you're like, I have to come clean. Yeah, I haven was weird enough for you to say we're getting into cooking and you're like, I have to come clean. Yeah, I haven't done shit. But we got a basil plant,

you know, and then they're like, when you buy it that way, they're like, you can actually keep this. And like, because every time I've done that, they just die and I'm like,

it's trash. So we put in water and it's like growing and it's great, but it smells like cat piss possibly. Is that a thing? Yeah, there's probably some ammonia. Like in the kitchen,

I'm like, it smells like cat piss and my cat's dead. Oh shit, ghost piss? Yeah, there's probably some ammonia. Like in the kitchen, I'm like, it smells like cat piss and my cat's dead, so. Oh shit, ghost piss. Yeah, did you know that? Maybe it's the ghost of your cat. Yeah, but I'm like, is the basil. Hi, we are ghost piss of all we need to get started.

Do you guys cook? No. I mean. No. I cook food. Right, but not like. Do you do dad cooking? No. I mean, I cook food. Right, but not like... Do you do dad cooking? Yeah, I do idiot cooking.

What's dad? What's that? Macaroni and cheese? A lot of nuggets, pasta with turkey. Cook up some turkey, put it in the sauce, hide it so that you don't see it. You have to hide turkey? I hide turkey everywhere. Don't sit there. There's a turkey's a turkey there that's what I'm saying

little nuggets don't open that door a bunch of butter balls come falling out and then you wrap something in a chicken and you're like I'm a chef that is amazing I cook Tiffany is the real cook but I do a lot of cooking

because I like to eat quantity and I don't want to deal with like paying a shit ton. So like I love to make myself like a big batch of something on Sunday or Monday and eat it like three or four different ways throughout the week. Oh, different ways. Like upside down. Yeah. Different ways. I'm just in different positions. In your butt. Yeah. With the butt plug in, with the butt plug in with the butt plug out

butt plug in my mouth food in my ass like I'll put some over a salad and then I'll get high later in the night and put some in a wrap and then I'll get high again after that and melt cheese on top of the same chicken like three different ways that's smart

just like Batman. Just like Batman. So Batman. What does Batman eat? We got a microwave. Well, he eats lobster. He eats lobster. He ate soup one time.

Did he eat soup? Yeah. I believe it is a weird canon thing that Batman's favorite food is soup. Is that real? It's some weird thing that Alfred made. I don't know why. It was from doing my podcast and

Googling, I found some weird fact that soup is his favorite food. Because he had that one soup date. Because Alfred makes it for him. Well, if you think if you're like an orphan, that's like a classic dish for a rich orphan. Just hot water and beef.

Here's your hot beef water. But also, in his parents' will, were they like, we want Oh, I guess he is rich. Hot water and beef. Yeah, here you go. Here's your hot beef water. But also... Alfred. In his parents' will, were they like, we want our butler to take our child? Or was it the only option? I don't know if they had their will set up.

They just went out to go see the Mask of Zorro and then were fucking murdered in an alley. I personally think, like, you got a job like that and the parents die and you just keep working. Just keep your mouth shut. Don't say anything. Don't say anything.

Yeah, because I mean, he's got the house all day. Yeah. Yeah, he's not working most of the time. No. You don't have to fight crime. Now, Master Bruce, you may want to turn

your father's jerk-off room into a bat cave. When was he doing it in here before? He had a 75-foot screen and he would crank off every night, watch some really

fucked up shit. Thomas Wayne's a freak. If you were a billionaire, you would have, I mean, you would have that. Yeah, I would have like a full spank room. Like a jerk off chair

that I get in with like a mask on and shit. Like set the temperature to like 44 degrees. Why is it so cold? Because I'm going to get hot. Every time I shoot something, which is, you know,

once a year. That's what I thought. I was like... Every time I shoot off, it freezes midair. I do it once a year. And I never, ever... You're on set

and they're like, it's freezing and they look over at me and I'm like sweating. And I'm like, I'm embarrassed about how warm I am. I never wear long sleeves

until wardrobe gives them to me. Wardrobe's always like layers. I'm like layers. Are you kidding me? I'm going to faint. I'm not used to wearing shoes or pants. I shot something outside and it was hot and they put me in flannel

and I was like just dripping with sweat. Every take they'd be like, can someone touch up Nicole? And I'm like, well, like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I wasowder freak. Well, I'm just getting into soup. I like ramen.

What do you mean? Ooh. Now when you say ramen, do you mean like college ramen or we live in an amazing city with great Japanese food? David Chang, Momofuku. You were just on his show? Yes. Okay, wait, what did you eat?

I have to watch that. So I told them I like chicken, ranch, and bacon. So he made chicken lard. Oh, I love that you got to tell them something. With little lettuce cups with ground chicken, ranch, and bacon. So he made chicken lard. Oh, I love that you got to tell them something. Yeah, with like little lettuce cups with ground chicken, bacon, and then he made ranch. Oh. And it was the best ranch I've ever fucking had. Oh my God, he made it?

He made this like pita type thing. He made like a homemade pita or lavish bread. Oh, yeah. bread oh yeah with um wagyu beef um pork another beef uh chicken that like had crispy skin and then uh in the oven he made like peppers and tomatoes and then he put it all on the bread and then like little pitas and you ate it that sounds so and then a pastrami sandwich with bread that he fucking made um and then cheese sauce that he fucking made and the cheese sauce that he fucking made and then there was french fries on it like he's so insane and then nice

he's so nice he's so normal I'm obsessed with the guy, he's so cool he cooked for you and then I was on with Joe Manganiello don't trust me but I've been calling him Manginello. Manginello. No, no. Don't trust me,

but I've been calling him Joe Manginello as I've been... He's on my gay for a day list, so I think I know it. He's on your gay for a day list? Yeah. He should be gay for more than one day. That made the movie.

Yeah, he was supposed to be... He was? Yeah. He was supposed to be Deathstroke. Who's Deathstroke? I feel like gay for a day should be a movie like Hall Pass. It's like The Purge.

Give it eight seconds. Wait, who's Deathstroke? I believe he was cast as Deathstroke for like the final to fight like Ben Affleck. He may have been in one of the last Zack Snyder movies. He might have been like a post credit. Like a second, like a post credit thing. And then he was going to be the bad guy in the Ben Affleck, he may have been in one of the last Zack Snyder movies for like a second. Like a post-credit thing, and then he was going to be the bad guy in the Ben Affleck Batman movie, and it didn't happen.

Does he kill people by, like, have a stroke? He tugs them off until they... He meets them when they're children. Did you make a mustache pop out? You did something so specific with your lip, it made it look like you had a pencil-thin mustache. I don't know if I could ever do that. Live streamers, pause it.

Figure out what the fuck. Thank God there's 80 cameras. No, I think he was supposed to be in it, and then he wasn't. And he's like a master assassin who uses different weapons. He has a cool like orange mask with like a telescopic... It's a very cool design.

Like when you're a kid, you like this character. He's like a ninja. Yeah, he's like a ninja adjacent. Is he in the squad? No, but he looks a lot like Idris Elba's character in Suicide Squad.

That's kind of like their model. Wasn't that Will Smith? Will Smith in the first one. Wait, there's more than one? There's two. And the second one's better. Oh.

Even better. Depending who you talk to. I don't know. The first one was... I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't say that. I just fight for the right opinion. I just want people to be like whatever they want.

People don't like things. If you talk to David Ayer, he likes the first one. I'm trying to get those piss pigs riled up. I want to see how many times I can say piss pigs not here in my life. People don't like things. If you talk to David Ayer, he likes the first one. Get those piss pigs. I'm going to see how many times I can say piss pigs, not here, in my life. Just in life? Yeah.

I like it. Well, every time you read my lower back tattoo, you're like, that's one. That's his thing. Yeah. He's like,

hey, can I pop in real quick? I'm going to feel like I'm losing my literacy here. Can I read your lower back real quick? Well, in the first Suicide Squad, there was an alligator

who was obsessed with watching BET, I remember. Dude, the most racist thing ever is that King Croc is a crocodile in that movie. And they give him a hoodie. They make him like so black-coated. It's crazy.

And at the end of the movie, he's laughing watching BET. I was like, bridge too far. It was so weird. Why is a crocodile watching TV? It was Mr. Echo from Lost, wasn't it? Yeah, Adewale.

Oh my God, I loved Lost. I don't know how to say his name either. Adebisi from Oz is how I know him. I need a show like Lost right now

that I can get sucked into. Yeah. Three Body Problem. What's that? I just read that book. Check it out. But what is it? Okay,

don't give us any more. I just started watching it, but it's very weird. It's kind of a story. It's very, like, not succession. What's the, Ben Stiller, Adam Scott. Succession. No, Severance.

Severance. Deliverance. Severance. Deliverance. It's a wildly popular Chinese sci-fi book. It was like the number one, and then they translated it to English, and it won a shit ton Chinese sci-fi book. It was like the number one. And then they translated it to English

and it won a shit ton of awards here too. I just finished the first book of the trilogy. It's really cool. Weirdly complicated. Dense. So I'm assuming

the Netflix version of it is digestible. But it's supposed to be rich as fuck. It's got so much shit going on in it. I sat down. Let me give this a try.

I watched the first 10 minutes and I went like, oh. Oh, good. Let me go get my e-gony like this. Oh, I need something like that too. Yeah. I saw a clip on Instagram where someone was like talking about, they were like a producer or something.

They were saying people tell them that things need to be second screen friendly. Like if your show's too complicated, like that's a note you get. Because it's like people are going to be on their phone while they watch it. Wow. So it can't be too complicated. But I like when things are get because it's like people are going to be on their phone while they watch it. Wow. So it can't be too complicated. But I like when things are complicated because then I'll put my phone down and be like, I have to pay attention. Well, I know, I know. Well, that's why I'm loving watching Shogun because it's like so much subtitles.

That's a really fun show on FX. I heard that's good. FX, Hulu. Last night, literally. Really good. And because it's in subtitles, you cannot. It's so much better for me. I love Squid Game. Oh, I enjoyed the fuck out of Squid Game

oh you gotta watch that did you watch the reality version I have I watched both it's so good yeah I didn't watch the reality version but I want to watch physical 100 whatever all the jacked people doing yeah how does that work it's like a? It's like a hundred...

People who are at the peak physical condition. From all different worlds, like a martial artist, a gymnast, blah, blah. Oh, that's fun. And they compete in, like, weird American Gladiator-style events. Oh, I didn't watch that. And they narrow it down as, like,

you know, you lose 80 people over the course of whatever. Yeah. What just happened? I thought I spilled something. I'm like, my coffee's here. I'm like, I don't think I needed a 5.30pm cold brew

a cold Justin Timberlake you were just like hold on for a second cold lab kisses to an hour a different full Timberlake live stream number skyrocketed.

I noticed that maybe you didn't realize I was doing a Justin Timberlake. No, no, I got it. I just thought it was funny. I didn't want you to think I was just using your breast as a bunch line. I wouldn't be surprised.

No, but have you seen this clip? They call me Timberlake. They call me Lake. Timberlake. They call me Lake. Timberlake. I haven't and I don't think it'll live up to this moment. It's so funny. Lauren, your version is so funny. It's so much better.

They call me Lake. Timberlake. That's mine and Bobby's birthday buddy What? You all have the same birthday? Yeah Well that's crazy You think your personalities are the same? My hands They call me hands Well, that's crazy. You think your personalities are the same? M-m-m-m-moyna hands. They call me hand.

M-m-m-m-moyna hands. Every time someone says that, I have a distinct memory of dragging him on a sled on the ice rink at SNL. I don't know why. Every time you mention it, that's the first thing I think of. It was just some weird moment. You must have so many weird memories like that.

A lot of that. A lot of that. A lot of like, I'll be watching TV and see a human and then go like, oh, I pulled them on a sled at 4 o'clock in the morning. A lot of that. That's crazy. Were you ever there when the host was a Batman? Did you ever have a bail? Are you kidding me? Oh, yeah.

You were in a sketch. Michael Keaton. Yeah. Oh, awesome. Yeah, this monologue with Michael Keaton. Yeah. It was just us going like, you were in a sketch. Michael Keaton. Yeah. Oh, awesome. Yeah, this monologue with Michael Keaton. Yeah. Like, it was just us going, like, I think it was singing, will you play Batman with us, Michael Keaton.

Like, that was the name of the thing. That's so fun. Oh, that's so fun. Yeah, he was awesome. He is so awesome. Like, very, like, I feel like a lot of people in that world that are, that become superheroes in that world that become superheroes in that world are like

over it a little bit but he is someone who understands man, woman, or child that if he goes I'm Batman, it's the coolest thing that's so cool there was somebody on SNL who came on, it was a superhero person

they were in the costume and I look like someone There was somebody on SNL who came on. It was a superhero person. They were in the costume. And I look like someone who would be very excited to see a superhero in a costume. And I didn't say a word. And they looked at me and they went, no pictures. And I wanted, only kids get pictures. And I wanted to be like, did I ask? I don't want one. Did I ask for a picture?

No. That is crazy to jump. Just because I look like I want one. Did I ask for a picture? No. That is crazy to jump. Just because I look like I want one, and I do. But also, let someone take the picture. I couldn't believe it. I was devastated. And he was a host? I'll never say that it was Andy Garfield.

No one asked. He was actually wonderful. but he did make that comment he was like only kids get pics and I was just like oh a lot of men come up to you asking for pictures

when you're in that costume yeah no that must be annoying every day like just walk around town in the costume as I'm sure he does yeah if I

I wouldn't oh god I would walk around I'd be on the subway in the costume yeah just being like just fucking people that's what I'm sure he does. If I, I wouldn't, oh God. I would walk around, I'd be on the subway in the costume. Yeah, just being like, guess what? I'm Storm. That's me?

Storm? I want to be Storm. Penguin or the blob. Oh, I want to be Penguin. You would make a fantastic Penguin. Wouldn't that be disgusting? I think it would be really funny. I want to be Colossus or Thing.

Okay. Yeah, but Thing, I'm not Jewish. Wait, who's Thing? I think it would be really funny. I want to be Colossus or Thing. Okay. Yeah, but Thing, I'm not Jewish. Wait, who's Thing? I'm just glad they cast... What's Thing? Ben Graham is a human being with Colin Farrell. I know. Oh, I know.

Colin Farrell, one of the famously most handsome people ever. Yeah, I didn't like that. I know, because it could be so many great character actors. And they're doing a show. I know. All that being said, he was fucking great. He was great. Yeah, it made me so mad.

One of the best villains in one of these. Yeah. How do you like decide to cast a person like that in that role? Like it's interesting. Imagine him, he's like pitching it. He's like, you gotta put me in. You gotta put me in.

You're like, really? He's so awesome. That was perfect. I thought he was here for a second. Yeah, I know. they're like, really? He's so awesome. That was a perfect answer. I thought he was here for a second. Yeah, I know. I was like, what? Because I look like him already, so then when I do the accent,

it gets a little weird for people. It's really weird. That being said, I feel like you and Colin Farrell would be best friends. I think we would get along. My sister got married in Long Island. Oh God, I mean, it had to be 90 something. And I mean, I was a kid.

I was a kid. And I was sitting on the steps after the wedding outside like the venue and a cop car pulled up and two cops got out of the car, opened the backseat and Colin Farrell got out, shook their hands. It was like, thank you very much. And he walked into the hotel and I was like, I think these cops just drove home and drove off Colin Farrell. That's amazing. It was a great, great moment

of just seeing like, that's what it's like being famous, I guess. That's awesome. Why don't you leave your car here, pal? Yeah,

that's amazing. You want that? Here's a fun Michael Keaton trivia that I love to tell people in case they don't know. Michael Keaton's real name, Michael Douglas.

Yeah. But when he joined SAG, they were like, there can only be one Michael Douglas. I saw this, but is it because he liked Diane Keaton?

No, because he liked Buster Keaton. Oh. He's like a big... I'm like disappointed. Diane Keaton's son. She had a black and white son. I've always been confused. In like a very dumb way,

I always get confused about Liza Minnelli being Judy Garland. Me too. I don't understand. Because they're ageless. One of them is ageless and the other one is age, but that's the kid. Yes, I know. It doesn't make sense.

Liza Minnelli in Sex and the City movie, though. Now that's fantastic. Singing Ring on it? Greatest thing in the world. She's got's that's New York where her pants fall down and it's great she was purpose no I think so she's just like no no and then her pants she came to SNL once and she was like they wanted her to wear her outfit from Chicago and she was like well I'll have them get. And had them go to her like archives and fly the original costume out.

Because she wouldn't wear a new one. She wanted to wear the original one. It was amazing. And she was the cutest little, she kept pinching my cheeks and calling me doll baby. And throughout the whole sketch on live television, kept peeking under the cue cards going, and making faces at us, trying to make us laugh.

I was in love with her. That's so funny. She's like a gremlin. She's so funny. So awesome. Sorry, I keep telling stories. No, please. No, I love it.

That's really great. In this time, it's nice to hear positive celebrity stories. You know what I mean? Like, oh, Liza Minnelli was the best. Obviously, she was a QAnon. She shot Jay Perry. Yeah. She shot Jay Perry with a gun.

She brought a gun on set and it changed the energy. Yeah, she had a gun on. The vibe shifted when Liza dropped the bucket and pulled out the heater. I love her to death, but she had a pistol. It's a fact. Wait, did you meet any other Batmans? Yeah. I met Michael Keaton.

Yeah? Yeah. Val Kilmer came into my dressing room and took a pair of sneakers and left once. From you? Usain Bolt gave us a bunch of sneakers because he was on the show. And for some reason, Val Kilmer was just walking around dressing room and was going, do you want these shoes?

And I went, no. And he took them and he left one. What do you think he did with those shoes? Is he going to give them to somebody? I love when celebrities love swag. It's the best. It's like, because you get tired of like, I'm like, all right,

I guess I'm donating a bag full of Weed Company T-shirts to out of the closet. Like, hey, WeHo like, all right, I guess I'm donating a bag full of Weed Company t-shirts to Out of the Closet. Like, hey, WeHo Bears, XXL's have been dropped. But like, I love when you see like, I wrote on the Video Game Awards back in the day and Sam Jackson hosted. And he was like, can I get a PlayStation 5 and an Xbox and a Nintendo Wii? And they were like, uh, yeah, technically. He's like, yeah, alright. I'll take them to some games. And he insisted

on changing his outfit like ten times because he had it in his contract that he wears and it's his. And he wore a different Kangol every time he came out to introduce the sketch. So he was just like filling up his bag. And then like you see like brings home video game systems for his nephews and nieces. Like that's the

cool shit right there. I love that. I brought a Thorax, a Thorax Stormbreaker to home to my, not a bug's body. A four. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Not a beetle's torso. I think that was like four.

Yeah. I brought that home to my nephews after I got it for free from Hasbro. And they went absolutely Asian. Why'd you get Hasbro shit? I think because I was, because I dressed as Hercules. I want toys. For fun.

Yeah, I dressed as Hercules for newcomers? No. Yeah. Yeah, and Comic-Con. Oh, I wasn't there. You couldn't make it. So I think it didn't happen. Right. I was like, no you can't.

As I'm like, as I'm remembering what it was for, I was like, wait a minute. You were there. I think it was this podcast. You didn't do that. That didn't happen. That's right, listeners slash viewers. I'm pretty available.

I'm sorry. Were you just talking to the piss pigs? What up, piss pigs? The newcomers, I call myself an old comer. As a my, as a 42 year old fan of the newcomers, I'm an old comer. You had to make it gross, didn't you? Pulling tits out. I know, it's so vile.

Ew! Get the numbers up. Lauren! You can't say ew when someone reveals their body. Well, it was just a nipple suddenly. Ew! A sudden nipple?

No. Free the nipple. You look amazing I preferred eww you look amazing was wild it was at least genuine

you look amazing I felt like the fucking glasses just literally popped out. I was like the Make-A-Wish kid. Oh, great nipple. Oh my God. Someone wrote oink, oink, oink.

That's my piss pigs. Should we do some Batman improv? Let's do some Batman improv Oh right The entire premise of it Or should we eat pizza? You guys want to have lunch? We take an hour break

We just quietly eat pizza while they watch I feel like we should have pizza now Because it's going to be weird to eat it when we're doing the improv But I want the pizza I want the pizza I I want the pizza. I feel like you just made a really good excuse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think we should pizza down.

I wouldn't mind planning out the improv over pizza. Yeah, let's plan it. Great, that's good. If you're wondering what a NordVPN is, I'll tell you. VPN stands for Virtual Private Network, a service that protects your internet connection and online privacy. A VPN creates an encrypted tunnel for your data, protect your online identity by hiding your IP address,

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here at nordvpn.com slash newcomers, N-O-R-D-V-P-N dot com slash newcomers. It's risk-free with Nord's 30-day money-back guarantee. Link is in the episode description. That's funny. Andrew said, finally, and I think that was to the improv, and then you're like, no, pizza. Oh, people want to know the origin of Piss Pigs. So on Threedom, my other podcast, we had, I guess, the fans made a poll online

to what they wanted to be called, and they voted in their Piss Pigs. I thought it was this show. I apologize. No, I guess the fans like made a poll online to like what they wanted to be called and they voted in their piss picks. I thought it was this show. I apologize. No, I know. No, please keep bringing it up. We talked about it

on our other shows. We yelled at Patton for eating. Well, it's dinner time here. Yeah, it wasn't dinner time when he was eating. He was eating snacks.

He had a granola bar. That is really funny. I did yell at him. People want to know what the clipboards say. I can only see Lauren's, and it just has a drawing of pizza on it with crayons. Yeah, the back of it says Batman. Oh, yay.

Yum, yum, yum, yum. Thank you, Allie. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, yeah. Give me this plastic plate. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, yeah. Give me this plastic plate. Let me eat on a Frisbee.

What do we got? What do we got? I've already tried all of these. There's like one slice missing from all of it. I tried that one. That one's gluten free. Dude, someone said, Nicole, are you watching X-Men 97? Oh, you should get it.

I am not yet. Oh, okay. It is awesome. I hear it's so good. X-Men 97 and I am not curious. I am not yet. Oh, okay. It is awesome. I hear it's so good. X-Men 97. It is great. Do you remember the X-Men cartoon from when we were younger? My daughter was just watching X-Men this morning.

She wanted to put it on, and I was like, oh, no. No, that's awesome. Do you know the thing about the X-Men theme song? What's that? The X-Men theme song. Did you ever notice this? I noticed this and then I heard

someone else recently say it and I got very excited that the X-Men theme song da-na-na-na-na-na is just I'm Your Baby Tonight by Whitney Houston. Oh, that's funny.

Da-na-na-na-na-na-na da-na-na-na-na-na-na It's just one note off. That's awesome. Did they steal it? Take care. Probably. I think Whitney Houston wrote X-Men is what the truth is.

Oh. I'm just kidding. No, she heard that. Bobby, do you want pizza? I think I do want pizza. I definitely want to eat on camera. Yeah, I mean, I don't want the pizza. I don't want the pizza.

I don't want the pizza as much as I just want to eat on camera. Yeah. I want to eat as close to the microphone as possible for the mesothelioma freaks or whatever it's called. No, wait, that's the thing you get at Class Action Law School. Oh, those people

that go on YouTube to watch people fall asleep while they get mesothelioma? I was just like, oh, mesothelioma, because I thought of that and it was like, we watched so many commercials

for that when we were kids. Because if you're watching Moria or whatever, they would just be like, we watched so many commercials for that when we were kids. Because like, if you're watching Moria or whatever, they would just be like, if you or someone in your family has messed with a female,

you have the right to someone. And then it was also transvaginal mesh. Yeah, I remember trans, dude, kids don't even know about having to watch commercials and then daytime commercials

for old people being some of the bleakest shit ever. It's like, are your kids trying to kill you? Make sure you get security. You know, it's always like the I've fallen and I can't get up like the alert thing.

I also love I want my money and I want it now. Miss Cleo. Oh yeah. Call me now. Wait, I can't do that. You can. I'm doing an impression of a specific person. You can call me now for my free reading. For your free reading.

Did you watch the documentary about her? No, not yet. There's gonna be a series coming out about her. There is? About the documentary? No, about Ms. Cleo. There's a series coming out about the documentary about Ms. Cleo?

I just got a block. It wasn't that mind blown. I got blocked black leg grease. Oh my God. I thought there was gonna be like a whole big story about like what was so crazy about it, but it wasn't that crazy. And at the end she like has a girlfriend

and you're like, great. She just lied about being psychic, right? She's the least- What? I think she lied about being Caribbean. Yeah, she just lied a whole bunch, yeah. She was from like Delaware. Turns out her name was Lorraine. But all that, like, I gave us probably notes,

like anything that aired, any commercial that aired on Channel 9 after 7 p.m. was the greatest. Do you remember the Pills, the singing Pills? No.pm was the greatest. Do you remember the pills? The singing pills? No. It was like pills. They were puppets

and they would go we this is serious serious we will make you delirious delirious and it was all about

don't take pills don't take your parents' pills don't take those pills and now that's the Busta Rhymes song this is serious we will make you delirious that's what it's from. It's from that? Yeah, it's frommes song. This is serious. We could make you delirious.

That's what it's from. It's from that? Yeah, it's from that commercial. That's awesome. Wow. Well, it's referencing that commercial. Oh, okay. That's awesome.

I sat behind Busta Rhymes at the VMAs one time. He's a fucking giant. He's like a, yes. He's like, you know he's supposed to be big? High-fives me once. Yeah. And his top standard came up here. Like halfway through my hair. And I'm like, holy shit, that's Busta Rhymes. me once yeah and his top fender came up here like you know he's big

through my arm and I'm like holy shit that's Busta Rhymes and then he like did the thing where you stand up and kind of look behind you

and he's like standing in front of us and he's got he's dressed like our friend Vin Diesel he's got white pants and a white

sleeveless shirt on and he's just stands up and looks around and I'm like he's fucking enormous he made me feel tiny few people

can do that I have a friend who met Bester Rimes and she hugged him and she got makeup on his like white outfit and she was like, oh no,

I got makeup on you. Let me wipe it off. He was like, no, I got somebody and he snapped and then a man came out of the shadows

and wiped the makeup off and then like scurried back. Oh my God. And that's what I want. A makeup boy. You want like a, what's his name? Buster Hale.

What's his name in real life? Tony Hale what's his name? Buster Hale? What's his name in real life? Tony Hale? Tony Hale. Buster Hale. Buster from... Buster Douglas. Tony Hale and Buster Douglas. Buster is his name on Arrested Development.

But he does that in Veep. He's like the bag man. That's what I want. 40 minutes later, I got it. I shouldn't have had gluten. So what is this? Dune prov? Okay, spice is life.

Yes, Batman. And? I'm just, I have to play the penguin just due to how full I am. I'm the penguin. You found another dead body over here.

I found another dead body over here. Is there pizza on my face? Not currently. Not yet, sweetheart. What does that mean? Okay, so for the Batman improv, we are going to come to you guys For some suggestions For our scenes

You were saying it should take place in Gotham City It doesn't have to No, you said it had to I said, I'm walking if we don't do Gotham You're a small knife I thought it was bigger when I bought it I bought it online Showed up at my house and it was way smaller

But it can still do damage During the pandemic I bought this Fl. Showed up at my house and it was way smaller but it can still do damage. During the pandemic I bought this like fluffy seal that I saw in an Instagram ad. It was like a carnival toy. It took like weeks

and then I was like yay! And then it arrived and it was like so small. Telling someone telling someone else's story Emily Heller ordered a doormat

off of Amazon and she got a printed out picture of a doormat. of Amazon and she got a printed out picture of a doormat and it was on a piece of phone on a piece of that's what it was

even in the ad the person's like I'm sorry that's what I was selling it's so funny it said like welcome and it was just like two sheets of paper

it was like a big piece of paper and it was like a picture of like a like a like fake grass yeah yeah yeah it was like printed yeah like astroturf yeah it was like printed yeah

like astroturf yeah it was it's so funny that was amazing people are terrible I know can you imagine having that business

like your job all day long is just like packing boxes full of garbage and feeling and then answering calls going

sorry asshole sorry got texted to die babies what a nightmare this fucking whole world looks like we're all going to die. All right. We got about 40 suggestions.

A few of them are, we can't hear Lauren, the mics, the mics. Oh, fun. Interactive. I love this. Imagine interactive improv.

You just go out on stage and people are like, I can barely hear you. Talk louder. What? What? Oh my God. I love it. Okay. Talk louder. What? What? Oh, my God. I love it.

Okay, so we'll do some scenes inspired by Batman. Yeah. We'll get some suggestions from y'all out there. And I guess just some words from the Batman universe to get us inspired or characters or anything at all that doesn't really be related. We'll just find a way to connect it. A pizzeria, people are saying. That's really funny. That is funny.

Gotham's Amazon Warehouse Distribution Center. It's really specific. Justice for Julie. Oh, Julie was having issues with her audio? Is Julie doing okay issues with her audio. Is Julie doing okay? Justice for Julie. Okay, how about Mr. Freeze's frozen pizza factory?

Great. Great. Okay. Just commit. Yeah, yeah. Who's got the Arnold accent on deck? I don't. Yeah, not me.

I guess it's going to be you. Okay. Welcome to the Pest, Maria. You all are my new employees. I'm so happy to have you. Yeah. Your name? Batman. It's nice to meet you, Batman.

It's nice to meet you. And your name is? Catwoman. Holy shit. That's the sexiest fucking thing I've ever heard. I'm gonna cry. Oh my God. And that's the main view of Catwoman.

I'm Michelangelo. I'm a party dude. Oh, wow. He brought pizza. I brought pizza to the pizzeria. Wow. You really love pizza. I love pizza.

One second. Pardon me. I'm not Bruce Wayne. You're not Bruce Wayne? No, I'm definitely not. Are you sure? I'm definitely not wealthy philanthropist. Philanthropist?

Wealthy Filipino philanthropist. Definitely not wealthy Filipino. Famous Filipino. Okay. My question for you, Mr. Freeze, is do we get to eat the pizza or do we just make it? Or I forget. Is this a frozen pizza factory or a pizzeria that freezes stuff? I understand your confusion.

It's a frozen pizza factory. Lauren said just commit. She's doing it. Oh, she's doing amazing. Thank you. It's a frozen pizza factory and we are making the pizzas and it's colder here.

You've got slightly Italian there for a second. It's hard not to when you're talking about pizza my name's Michelangelo I get really Italian frequently

so are the pizzas frozen or is the whole room frozen or both per I'm sorry

I cut you off no I just wanted to say per oh is it against health code she's shit in a little box before I'm sorry, I cut you off. No, I just wanted to say purr. Oh. Is it against health code? She shit in a little box before?

No, as long as you scoop it. All right, I'll use my nunchaku for good. I'm just going to have to put some paper down. Because I hang from the ceiling and the guano falls. Guano. The paper. A guano falls on the paper. A guano? That's his poop. That's a bad poop.

You know, you gotta see Ace Ventura 2 when nature calls. That's how I learned what guano was. I bet you learned a lot of cool stuff in that movie. I learned a lot from when nature calls. I have never seen the movie. Bumblebee Tuna, your balls are showing. So, Mr. Freeze, why do you want to branch out into pizza? I just figured it was time for me to go legit.

Because you didn't really have a business, from what I understand. Well, it must have been so hard growing up in Austria, Italy. It was very hard for my mama and my daddy. And I came here and I became a scientist. And then my wife was dead. And I put her in a jar. Oh, yeah. She got sick.

Yeah, that didn't work out so good. So I'm doing right there. That's her there? Oh yeah, that's her right there. That lady frozen in that block of ice is your wife? That's my wife. She's got great tits. Thank you.

I love her nipples. They look amazing. This chick loves nipples. I'm sorry, those are pepperonis. Sorry, those are pepperonis. Sorry, those are pepperonis. They do look like a pepperoni. Some of the best nipples look like pepperoni. Are you allowed to have sex?

Me? Not anymore. I'm gonna die! Oh no! I'm gonna die oh no I'm dying currently dying no Batman Batman you can't die we need you

we need you got to meet you Batman no really why can't you have sex because I'm a teenager that's what I meant yeah teens can have sex

with other teens. Oh, Splinter said to keep it in our pants. I have a hard time believing Splinter said, keep it in your pants. Keep it in your pants. I made a funny... But we don't even have pants. We have shells and belts.

Oh, yeah, your shell's kind of like pants. Back pants. We have shells. And belts. Oh, yeah. Your shell's kind of like pants. Back pants. Yeah. Oh. I didn't know I was allowed to have sex with other teenagers, because I mostly hang out with other mutant ninjas. Well, that would be ideal for you. That would be ideal.

But, unfortunately, I'm heterosexual, and all my crew are other male ninja turtles. And April doesn't want to fuck us, because we're teens and turtles. Okay. I don't want to keep talking about this. What did I ask? Yeah, I was about to say, let's just rewind and figure out who asked me. And I'm not saying who asked me to come work at this pizza place. I'm asking which...

No, I did. I asked you, turtle, and you, cat, and you, bat. Wow. The last two rhymes. And we're all animals, Purr. Yeah, you are all animals. And I'm not. I'm just a cold man.

You're a doctor who calls himself mister. Oh, fuck. Wait, why don't you go by doctor, Purr? My wife told me one day I was not as important as I thought I was and she said doctor's so pretentious why don't you be mister and you wanna

did you freeze your wife was she fine tell the truth mr. doctor freeze I did it I froze her. We should let her out first. No.

Well, come on. She'll come out and she'll tell me that I'm not worthy. Let's just see what she says. Alright. Let her out. Oh, no. That didn't work. You can't throw keys at locks.

You have to put a key in. This is why I can never go home. Cut to the next morning. Mr. Freeze, good news, bad news. Your wife is out of the block because I forgot to turn the freezer on at night. We lost all the pizzas. No!

But gained your wife. And she's going to Johns Hopkins Medical School to prove what a real doctor is. Wow. I'll kill her! What? I'm gonna kill her!

Jeez. My accent is getting confusing for myself. Batman! This is... My accent is getting confusing for myself. We did it. Oh, good edit call. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Start doing that a little more. No, that was perfect.

That was absolutely perfect. No notes. Oh, boy. Something's on like Danny Glover. Is Mr. Freeze part Cookie Monster? That's very funny. So notes. Oh, boy. Sometimes I'm like Danny Glover. Is Mr. Freeze part of Cookie Monster? That's very funny. So I just wrote, wow. It was a little,

snizz is right. It was a little like Danny Glover. Dude, honestly, snizz is never wrong. Snizz is always on it. Trust in the snizz. Nobody beats the sniz. Talk about all the commercials.

What's that? Nobody beats the whiz. What's that? The whiz. Oh, the movie? No, the store. What's that? Like a Sam Goody.

Oh, I don't know what that is. Yeah, we had, I guess maybe it was an East Coast thing. We had like an entertainment, like DVD, CD, VHS. It was like a Circuit City or Best Buy before that existed. But the commercial was, nobody beats the Wiz. Nobody beats the Wiz. The amount of fucking CDs I walked out of there with in my fucking Janko pant leg. You used to steal. I used leg. You used to steal.

I used to. I just jammed like five pepperoni sticks from the HeadGum kitchen in my pocket. That's not stealing, that's payment. Yes, that's how we're paying you. I've never been arrested, but cops brought me home after I set my elementary school field on fire.

Why? What happened there? We used to shoplift lighters and then start fires. We were like 13, 14 years old boys. And we couldn't put the fire out. It was dry. And now I have like an understanding of dry grass.

You now have that. Yeah, I had to call 911 on myself the neighbors were out with like hoses trying to stop it i was so stressed and so terrified yeah i was so stressed oh my god and of course in the most like everything in the whole neighborhood could burn this is the most 90s shit ever latchkey shit the kids cops bring me home and they're like i'm like my parents aren't home. And they're like, what do you mean? I'm like, my parents are working. That's why I'm out in a field starting fires.

And they're like, well, we can't just leave you at your house empty. I'm like, I have a key. And they're like, cool, I'm just going to start a fire. They had to drop me off at my neighbor's house. I had to go to my neighbor's mom and be like, the police want me to get in here. Oh, no. I went to sleepaway camp the next day for one week, so I didn't even get to sleep. You put up two fingers.

I know. There's a lie. You said one week. There's a lie. What's the lie? The lie is that it was a peaceful summer camp. I went away for one week, and when I came, like, I missed my dad, and then when I came back,

he was like, I slept for, like, 25 hours because I just didn't want to interact with him, and then he was and then when I came back he was like I slept for like 25 hours because I just didn't want to interact with him and then he was like when I woke up and walked in the living room I was like oh you know like well home from camp and he's like get in the car and I was like oh no and he did like this like old school like I had to stand and look at

the field burnt until I started like crying oh no yeah and then he left me there to walk home. I mean, that's not the worst thing I've ever heard. No, no, it's not the worst. It's actually... Did you ever burn a field again? I have not. No, as a matter of fact, I'm like afraid of fire a little bit. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, it's a bummer. Oh no. I'm just afraid of your dad. No, I'm just kidding. Bro, I was terrified of my dad. That was like the nicest thing he's ever done to me. Leaving you alone. The dream. All right.

Well, should we do more Batman? All right. Let's get another suggestion for our scene. Whatever kind of information you want to give us. Oh, I like a scene idea here. Batman works at a grocery store and is so excited when a regular shoplifter comes in to steal his thousandth dollar. No, let's do it.

Okay, great. I love how specific it is. Very specific. Okay, just put this in your fucking... Just put this in my fanny pack? Yes. Okay. I've been waiting. What? I've been waiting. I honestly

thought you were like a statue. Yeah. I've just been standing in the front of this gelson's. Okay, um, we're gonna leave now, so... No. What? You're not Cynthia. How do you know my name?

Ronaldo. How do you know his name that he wishes was his name? Yeah, how do you know my dream name? Because I've been watching you. Yeah, how do you know my dream name? Because I've been watching you. Okay, I'm gonna report you. No, you have not been watching us. What's going on? I have been. Watching us do what? You can't arrest me

for just stealing two chapsticks. Yes, I can. Because it's not just two. It's added up. Okay, what else have you seen us do, then, if you've really been watching us? I watched you steal milk, eggs, sausage Yeah, we made breakfast last weekend Yeah, okay

Doesn't that sound sad that I needed to steal that stuff? It does But crime does not pay Even if you're poor Okay, what are you gonna do to us, weird guy? Yeah Who even is this? I don't know

I'm Batman Okay You don't have a bat do to us, weird guy? Yeah. Who even is this? I don't know. I'm Batman. Okay. Okay. You don't have a bat or anything. No, but my ears. Oh. The animal bat. And my cape.

Oh. Yeah, bats wear capes. That makes sense. Okay. No. Okay, now I see it. Not wear capes. So like Gelson's.

No wingspan. Oh, oh, when you do that, it seems like a bat. Are you like hired by Galsons like a mascot? Oh God. You do this for fun. I'm a private vigilante. This is embarrassing. No.

Excuse me, where's the Kashi? Oh, in the cereal aisle. Thank you. You're welcome. Goodbye, Mrs. Brenda. Take care. Is your last name Brenda? Both.

Your name's Mrs. Brenda Brenda? I'm Brenda Brenda. You have beautiful hair. Brenda Brenda? I'm Brenda Brenda. You have beautiful hair. Thank you. It's cotton candy. Whoa! She's not lying. That must be a bitch in the rain.

Yeah. It just goes away? I'm a bitch in the rain. Let me tell you. All right, well. That was really good. Oh! It is drizzling. She's right. I have to put that on your tab. Oh, well. That was really good. Oh! It is drizzling.

She's right. I have to put that on your tab. Oh, no, she let me have some of her hair. You stole from Brenda, Brenda. That wasn't stealing. She just said it was cotton candy, and I just grabbed a little. She didn't ask or say please.

You're right. Batman, there's a serial killer killing sex workers in this neighborhood, and you're sitting here busting those for fucking chapstick? This guy's running scot-free around the neighborhood. Why don't you handle

some bigger crimes? That's pretty rude. I'm rude? Yeah. Which part? To bring that up. I'm having trouble getting that guy.

Yeah, maybe you're a little too focused on the fucking poor people with jack and chapsticks. He doesn't have to know that we're selling them on eBay. I know, for hundreds

of millions. And it's going great we fucking love so rich people think they're limited edition but they're not I heard it I heard your conversation

we sell printed up paper that looks like chapsticks it looks like chapsticks some people order it they get really mad because it's just a piece of paper

that looks like a chapstick but we say that's what it is on the page it's just a piece of paper that looks like a chapstick. But we say that's what it is on the page. It's just really tiny font. So not only are you stealing, you're being rude on the internet. Yeah. The internet's the place to be rude, Mr.

Man. No! Batman. What's your first name? Bat. Bat. So Mr. Man is right. Yeah. Oh, shit. Bat. Bat. So Mr. Man is right. Oh, shit. No, it's like Cher. Batman.

Okay, I like that. I love Cher. Hey, I was trying to come over here and tell you that you actually need to leave the store. You've been loitering for many, many hours. Oh, come on, Mr. Gelson. Looking at a camera. Hey, I'm Mr. Gelson. It's my place. And I gotta tell you, you gotta go, sweetie.

But who will walk down the aisles? Who will keep this Gelson safe? We actually don't really give a shit because everything's so overpriced. So it's kind of, it bounces out in the wash. Guess who's back? Brenda, Brenda! I went to the aisle and there was no Kashi down there. Are you looking for Goline Crunch or Good Friends?

Looking for the one with the little blueberries in it. Oh. I'm pretty sure that's in the cereal aisle. Miss Brenda, Brenda. I'm stupid. I had my eyes closed the whole time. I'm going to go back. Wait, wait.

I'm starving. Mmm, blueberry. Bye. Bye. She's such a bitch. Starvin' Blueberry She's such a bitch Perfect boy that hurt my throat. Yeah, that was a lot. Jesus Christ. You're like a master character Yeah, you're like a master character. It's hard to be Batman for so many years. Yeah, you're like a mimic. Oh, thank you. Yeah, you really got it, though.

Is it me or am I Christian Bale? Or am I Robert Pattinson? Or Val Kilmer? Or George Clooney? Show off your knowledge. I think I've met every Batman, but Adam West. Oh, shit. Oh, there's still time.

Yeah. Oh, no. No. I'm just kidding. I was like, I think he's dead. I was kidding. I didn't know. I was part of the cabal that killed him.

Oh, my God. Wait, you met Matt Damon? No, wait, Ben Affleck? Matt Damon. But have you met Matt Damon? How do you like them numbers? No, I'm okay. How do you like them apples?

I got her number. How do you like them numbers? How do you like them not her apples? How do you like them numbers? 3.145792401. That's pie. It's pie. Where's Rachel? I got her number I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples

I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples

I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples

I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples

I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples I got her apples

I got her apples Matt Damon as Batman in Good Will Hunting. Oh, it was layered. I've never seen it. And I did it wrong. Good Will Hunting was good. And then we started referencing Maggie Gyllenhaal's character from the... Where's Rachel? It's Anne Hathaway. No, no, no, no. It's Katie Holmes

in the first one and then she becomes Maggie Gyllenhaal. With really no fanfare. Explain that. They don't explain it. I feel like the explanation is Scientology.

No. Contractually obligated wife. But we felt that they should have said something like her name again or kind of like made it clear that like now it's you being this person. Instead of just trying to trick us. Yeah.

And we watched it back to back so it was actually very confusing. Rachel, I love what you do with your hair and eye color and overall frame and everything, really. And acting style. Thank you for coming in today. The last Robin died, and I need a new Robin. So I went to some of the most athletic boys at the local high school.

I've been kicked off the high school campus a few times, but I'm excited to have you guys here today. I think I'd be a great Robin. I think so too. I think you have what it takes, the gumption to kick off the conversation with something like that. You guys all demonstrated great physical skills on the trapeze and the

monkey bars and all the other weird bullshit. I could do the monkey bars so fast. You really did. Super fast. And hopefully that'll come into play at some point in a mission. But I'm, you know, there's only room for one Robin. It should probably be me. Well, yeah, based on how

little everyone else seems to want to do it. Hey, don't make fun of me. Sorry, I didn't mean to talk over everyone. I just felt like I'm the best Robin. But if you guys think you're better... No, they would have to be... I think I'd be a good Robin.

I think... I think I'd be a good Robin. Okay, is there something... is everything okay at all? No, not really. Um, my family, oh my God, oh God, they all dead. I know, everyone's families here are all dead, and I know they died in different horrific ways. How did your family die? Oh, it's a funny story.

So, we were on safari. We were, what? It's funny? It, it's a funny story. So we were on safari. We were, what? It's funny? It's kind of a funny story. So we were on safari, and we were in Africa. And my daddy said, I love a hippopotamus. And I said, me too, daddy. And then the hippopotamus ate my dad.

And then my mom said, I saved him. And I said, mama, no, don't do that. You see how strong the jaw is. And then my mom ran in after my dad. And then my dad was being chomped up. And then my mom, she got chomped up and then my mom she got chomped up and then my sister she got carried away by a zebra hippos are hungry hungry

see I told you it was pretty funny it is a pretty funny story you know yeah the zebra stuff is real it is and I'm I'm an heir to the hungry, hungry hippo empire. You don't have to work. Oh, I guess not. Well, see you later. Oh, okay. Heads up, the Robin gig is an internship. Oh, that's okay.

We're going to skirt labor laws by having you guys get college credits. And you'll go to, of course, Wayne University. Wow. Oh, my family also passed in a really crazy way. Of course. My family also passed in a really crazy way. Of course. So my family was on a vacation in New York City.

I love that. But my dad accidentally booked us two different hotels across the street from each other. So I was with my mom in one hotel and my dad and my brother were in the other hotel, but we could see them across the way. And then my mom and dad both called each other on the phone and they said, what if we tried to swing from one to the other? Like on like a web, like sort of like like a web thing. And I was sort of man spider. Yeah. And I was like, mom, don't do that. And then she was like i just want to and so they did and my brother was like sure i'll do it too and then they jumped and they just collided

in the air you saw this happen all three of your family members besides you swung in between two buildings and crashed into each other yeah and they went down and i was like oh my god and then i thought i gotta figure out a new dad so that's kind of what I'm here for oh okay there's dad issues at play here yeah that's fine how do you think I feel I'm desperate for a father figure

well I'm not gonna be that for you no that's Alfred for me oh who's that oh he's the guy who's currently swiffering the entire mansion he's the old man who's got so much manual labor to do today that I'm starting to feel a little guilty. Oh, okay. Well, I just really hope you pick me because I just could really use this kind of relationship dynamic. Well, yeah.

Well, I mean, it's between you and you now because you're rich and they're heading out of here. Yeah, I'm going to leave, but I'd like to stay for your story. My father had a heart attack. My mom died of sepsis. Not all of them are crazy stories, obviously. Some of them are just sad. That sucks.

I'm really sorry. It was quick. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. It's okay. Quick sepsis. It's okay. Very quick sepsis.

Okay. How did she get the sepsis? Uh, I was having surgery for something else and, uh, sepsis. I having surgery for something else. I told you to stop making fun of my voice.

It looks like I'm going to have to hire you. You're too rich and you won't stop mocking me. I'm so excited. It sucks. That this is my default for podcasts. I just automatically turned off. Hey, I'm trying not to talk like this all the time. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Holy shit. Oh my God. These are the fucking times we'll remember forever. Our taxes are taxed. I'll never forget this. I'll never forget this.

As long as I live, I'll never forget this. I promise. This is the best day of my fucking life. Yeah. Can you curse? Yeah. I think you've done it a lot. Can you curse? I think so.

I think if we're talking about gamers jizzing all over into the air. That wasn't on camera are we allowed to pull tits out of our tits? you do it not again, I learned my lesson unsupportive environment I'm not looking, I'm just happy it's happening

they're a little dry, I gotta get the cocoa butter excuse me excuse me ew I mean I love it. They look great. You look amazing. They look very oil.

To me, they seem plenty moist. Do you just rub cocoa butter on your titties? All over, yeah. On your whole body? Yeah, post-shower. That's so weird. I always picture you with soaking wet tits. I usually have my tits greased up. I usually have greased soaking wet tits. I'm usually, I'm usually have my,

my tits greased up. I usually greased up boobies. This is a real story. All this other shit. I think we all taught improv at one point. I didn't. You didn't? Well,

I was a coach. They wouldn't let me. One of, it was that first improv class. And I was asking everybody, you know, which now seems insane to say their email out loud.

So why did they say it? And I'll write it down. We had to like take it, get everybody's information so we could tell the class was canceled or whatever. But I was like,

just go around the room and say your email and I'll write it down. And we got to this one girl and she got really quiet and then just went, soapy titties and hot pants.

That's so funny. It was one of the greatest moments of my life. Was she funny? Yeah, she was very funny. But very, but like, you wouldn't,

yeah. Yeah. Whoopi Goldberg. Perfect. Soapy titties at email. Yeah. At email. At email.

Soapy goldberg.joybayhard.com Soapy titties at email. Soapy titties at email. Yeah. At email. At email. At email.com. At email.com. At joybayhard.com. Soapy titties at email. Soapy titties at email.com. It's so funny. Is that what comps is? I've been teaching improv. I taught improv so long ago

that I had to announce the diversity scholarship. Like, I had to explain it because it was, like, new to people. And one of the kids in my class, the adults in my Like, I had to explain it because it was, like, new to people. And one of the kids in my class, the adults in my class,

a woman, and she's a white woman that's important for the story, goes, yeah, it was really easy and I'm taking this class for free. And someone turns to her

and goes, what's your diversity? And she just goes, I'm gay. Like that. And I was like, okay, you didn't have to answer that. Never ask someone what their best performance I've ever seen you do. I'm kidding.

Oh, I love you. I was like, never ask someone what their diversity is. I can't believe that. That's so funny. What diversity are you? I'm gay. I feel like it was an Asian woman that asked her so it was kind of like

wait a minute trying to catch her too which is also like rude that's amazing oh my god okay well you want to do another scene poison ivy

on Batman's rosebud what does that mean oh no do they mean Rosebud's a vibrator or like a natural Rosebud? do they mean the sled from Citizen Kane?

probably do you want to do Batman on the Bachelor? Bob on the Spectrum Batman edition pass wow wow wow wow Pop on the Spectrum Batman edition. Pass. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Okay, George Clooney nipple costume designer is having trouble getting it just right. You guys just want to fucking tear Julie apart for a while? Yeah. Well, Julie hasn't responded. Julie, is everything okay?

Julie can't hear anything. Julie just went to the doctor and found out she has severe hearing loss. Wait, I need to know. Julie. I can't hear anything. Julie just went to the doctor and found out she has like severe hearing loss. Wait, I need to know. Julie. I can't hear anything. I can't say anything. Can you hear?

All I can smell is burnt toast. Julie called up ambulance. Bane voice, please. Gabrus does a good bane. Let's hear it. Oh yeah, you did it. I did it on your podcast and it was not good. It was my kind of great.

Julie, what do I want to hear? You try to do the voice. I was born in it. That's good. I thought that was pretty good. It is shockingly good. That was good. I wonder if I would

crack first. Your spirit or your back. What a lovely singing voice. That's like the weirdest part of the movie when he sees the kids singing the national anthem at the football game and he's like, what a lovely singing voice. That's like the weirdest part of the movie when he sees the kids singing the national anthem

at the football game and he's like, what a lovely singing voice. They love that kid. The kid's like, hallelujah. He's not singing the national anthem. He's singing a church song. I was singing the Whoville song. In my head, I went, there's no way I could ever guess what song he was singing.

So it was. What are they singing? And everyone was like, this is so good. Nobody made fun of him I couldn't believe that I laughed so hard because I was like there's not one person

in the audience being like oh my god this is ridiculous like when's the game gonna start yeah everyone was just like this is great

um oh my god Bane on Harley Quinn is chef's kiss that's James Adomian another birthday no way oh boy

amazing if you guys haven't watched Harley Quinn now that you kiss. That's James Adomian. Another birthday boy. No way. Oh, boy. If you guys haven't watched Harley Quinn, now that you know a little bit about the Batman universe, it's really good. It's truly funny. We were told we would like that. That's what I was told, and I don't think I'll do it. Do you have a favorite Batman after watching? Do you have a favorite?

Oh, you said. Well, I think, Tim, I think the first Batman. Did you do any of the animated? We did. Oh, God.... Well, I think Tim. I think the first Batman. Did you do any of the animated? We did the... Oh, God. We did Mass of the Phantasm. We did Mass of the Phantasm. We didn't delve too deep.

Did you do Lego Batman? Yes. Yes, I liked that. That's pretty fun, too. That was really cute. I liked that one. Question for you. Forget movies.

Who's your favorite villain of Batman's? They call that the rogues gallery in comics. What do you mean? The rogues gallery? Rogues gallery. Like the group of bad guys that a superhero has to deal with. Like Superman's rogues gallery is like Penguin, Riddler, Joker, like that. Oh.

In the Batman universe, they call it the rogues gallery. I think I like Joker and Penguin the best. Yeah. But I like Jack Nicholson and Joker the best. think I like Joker and Penguin the best. Yeah. But I like Jack Nicholson and Joker the best. Yes. I like Penguin and Catwoman the best.

Yeah. Have you ever seen the video? I love Poison Ivy. She was in a full different movie and I love this. Correct. Have you ever seen the video,

the real video of Michelle Pfeiffer? Yes. Doing the webby. Yes. It's wild. Amazing. It is like,

that's like, I'm trying to be not extremely heterosexual well cause you're gonna be like that's the hottest shit ever well it's like extremely sexy and she looks amazing and then it's like

it's like a bananas demonstration of talent as well which is like another layer of sexiness that Michelle Pfeiffer

that's how deep you are you're like actually with someone who has a talent I actually think that makes them more sexy that's how deep you are you're like actually with someone that's a talent I actually think that makes them more sexy it's not just about tits

it's like she actually can do something she actually has talent it's crazy I mean tits are great but if you got talented tits Uncle Gabriel is gonna sign you

here's your question you wanna have a nice ass and a leather outfit you better knock off ten heads of man that's a skill you're gonna be able to use a lot ass in a way or other, you better knock off ten heads of man. And that's a skill you're going to be able to use a lot. That's how I like

my lane. I like it when women have a talent that is only good in one specific moment and never usable again. I think we can find a few uses for her whip talents in the house. You want her to whip your dick off?

I love it when she just whips me in the ass. If she can hit my tiny dick with a whip from a distance, I give her extreme credit. Only Michelle Pfeiffer can. I will let her whip me. That was a wild thing to say. And I think I take it back. Yeah. I think you should take it back

yeah I'll take it back but she does look hot doing it yeah no it's amazing I wonder how much practice she had it's good stuff she's good stuff

she's a fun Instagram follow oh she's amazing there's a I feel like I'm plugging but there is a podcast called the Batman

Audio Adventures where Jeffrey Wright plays Batman. He's Commissioner Gordon in The Batman. He's Commissioner Gordon in The Batman. He is Batman in this and he is phenomenal. He's got a great voice too. It's one of my, I play the penguin in it. Dennis McNicholas, this guy who worked at SNL wrote it and he is like a Batman

genius yeah Rogers I think Rogers did a bunch of like swing voices on the show he's great on it that's cool what's your penguin voice?

I just tried to do it's essentially just I tried to do Burgess Meredith but weirder like I did a lot that's the first like a lot of that's the guy from guy? A lot of, a lot of.

Oh, the guy from the TV show. Yeah, I like the quacking. I like the old school version of. Wait, the penguin quacks? Yeah, when he would get upset, he would go quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. It would make me laugh. That's really funny.

It would make me laugh, yeah. Quack, quack. He would get like flustered and like move his arms and go quack, quack, quack. I wish I had a friend in my life who did that Right? Like themed friends Right?

But I wish I had themed friends Yeah like just villain friends I'm not going to make it to dinner and they're like That's really funny to me What a bird brained idea They make a lot of puns Yeah I'd be into that Okay let's do one more scene They make like, what a bird-brained idea. They make a lot of puns. Yeah, I'd be into that.

Okay, let's do one more scene. Wait, I still need to know about Julie. No, she's good, she said. Okay, good. She's good. Yeah. I guess I keep like asking about her and then looking away. Batman performing with Shakira in Times Square.

Hyper specific. And hard to do. Yeah. And where did you get that idea? I also like the many E's in Times Square. Square. Hyper specific. And hard to do. And where did you get that idea? I also like the many E's in Times Square. Square E! The Penguin Goes on a Makeover Show? Do you need my car ride over in the Uber?

Do you watch Vanderpump? I really just watched Vanderpump Rules on the car ride over. Oh my god, I love it. Villain Group Therapy? What about Penguin on a makeover show? I'm kind of into that. Bane Riddler, Penguin and Catwoman

on a blunt rotation. This guy's pitching like memes. Penguin buys a wig. Oh, okay. All right, queer eyes.

We're all here to make over the penguin. I didn't choose this. People don't usually choose it, but we are here to open up your heart and open up your home so you can make some friends. What's wrong with my apartment? Well, it's a small little

iceberg in a sewer. It's disgusting. And I think if you wanted to bring someone back here and find someone for yourself, you might find it rather difficult. Okay. I have a question. Why do you only hire fat clowns and skinny clowns? There's no in-between clowns.

You ever notice that? Yeah. It always bothers me. Sorry. That's just how I like them. I'm Karamo, by the way. I'm Bobby. I can't stay here for long because I have to start doing all of the work.

Are you going to melt all my ice? I don't know, Penguin. It all depends. We'll leave some... Because we don't want you to lose your personality. Your winning personality is what gets you to... Yeah. Yeah.

That's what everyone likes about me. Well, yeah, they certainly... They call you Mr. Personality. Yeah, your tone. Yeah, and they're like my flat ass. Listen, your flat ass sister, I'm JVN, your flat ass sister is amazing, okay?

You're a slutty, amazing slut slut. Hey, I'm getting more confident already. What can you do with my hair? Ooh, I'ma cut it up. Are you gonna shave it? No, no, I'ma cut it up. Okay. You're gonna have to'm gonna cut it up. Okay. You're gonna have to take the top hat off.

Oh. Now let's talk your fucking hands. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Now let's talk your fucking hands. Tan has been looking for specific gloves for days. We decided to go with a horse's feed bag. Throw them on your hands. Also, pregnant Lauren, you kind of look like Danny DeVito. No.

There is no better. You embodied it with the posture. The posture was good. It was really funny. There is no better. You embodied it with the posture. The posture was good. It was really funny. There is no more adorable costume in movie history

than Danny DeVito out of the penguin. He's in just a little pajama part. Oh, and he gets all mad. The color of the pajamas is so disgusting. That's why it's like the best character. Old bed sheet. Yes. It's like what?

All the skin cells that made it dirty. Oh. It's like, what? All the skin cells that made it dirty. Oh, it's so gross. So nasty. That is. He's like a dusty ass. It's so gross.

Hey, Bangla, get your dusty ass out of here. Wait, who's the villain in the Christopher Nolan ones? There's Bane, Catwoman. Heath Ledger. Oh, the Joker. Yeah. Who's in the first one? Raja Ghul and the Scarecrow.

Oh, yeah. Liam Neeson and Cillian Murphy. Cillian Murphy, who was supposed to be Batman. Cillian Murphy was supposed to be Batman? Yeah, that's why he made him Oppenheimer. What? And then he was like, that's not right for Batman. But he put him in Scarecrow.

And then he went, I want to give this guy something good one day. Oh, my God. And he became Oppenheimer. He really came through. That's like many years later. Yeah, he nailed it. He got an Oscar, right? I feel like that worked out OK for him.

I'm not trying to be rude. Somebody, this is not a joke. Somebody just sent me this picture yesterday. And I just remembered it. Oh my God, that's you? Yeah. Whoa. That's amazing.

Wait, let me see. Zoom in. It's not possible. That's you? Yeah. That's wild. That's so good. That's the thing, wouldn't it be,

I mean, that's my dream is to like play something that's like so insane. Oh, so different. Oh yeah. You could just do anything. Just a creature. You just look crazy. It's so crazy, like,

because we all have sketch backgrounds, like, you put a fake mustache on and all of a sudden you're like, I know this guy. Like,

anything gets you transforming. Wait, I want to tell a quick Bobby story based on that Penguin photo. We went to a Halloween party together and I was dressed,

I was dressed as just like a janitor because I was in that. I was in a phase of not wanting to dress up. And he's. I almost wore it today and didn't because of that night. Wait, what is it? He gets out of his car. No, I didn't.

Well, he couldn't. I couldn't get out of my car. We walk past his car. He goes, oh, hey, I'll join you guys. Opens his car door. Doesn't take his seatbelt off. Goes like this. And he's like, oh!

And he swings back. And he's dressed in a movie replica Batman costume. He has like a full-blown Batman armor on. The cowl and everything. Why is your seatbelt still on? Oh, you forgot? I have. Like, it's so fucking big.

Like, his elbow pad like fell off and shit. It was so big. It's, I was trying to do a bit. Yeah. And I went like, I'm going to go for it. It's like a $6,000 Batman costume. It's wild. It looks amazing.

It's like a move. It's literally fitted to my head. I tried to be funny. From SNL. No. Oh, what? From life. And I was like, I'm going to, Katie's going to get pissed if I don't wear a costume. So I'm just going to go for it. And I could, it was so gonna, I'm gonna, Katie's gonna get pissed if I don't wear a costume,

so I'm just gonna go for it. And I could, it was so, I couldn't get out, I couldn't move. I couldn't get out of the fucking car. Bro, at one point later on the party, we're standing around in a circle, and I'm like, Bob, you wanna hit this joint? And he's like, I don't know.

He's sweating, he's like pouring down his face. He's like, I think I might leave. And I was like, I did! And he bounced. I was like, he put on this Batman costume. He's at the party for a half, and then I'll let you tell the highlight. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, because this is your story. I wasn't there for that. I don't know if you're about to tell the part I am. Is it the part with a famous director? Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. Well, this, I couldn't move,

and I'm standing there like. And he goes, just go in without me, man. I'm outside the house. I haven't gone in yet. I tell them to go without me. I'm standing there like I'm outside the house. I haven't gone in yet. I tell them to go without me. I'm standing outside literally leaning on a car dressed as Batman

taking a moment and going like what the fuck? I'm 47. What am I doing with my life? And I just hear is this Katie's party? And it's Sam Raimi. Oh my god! Yeah. Dressed as Ken from Barbie.

Oh, that's funny. That's happened. With a Barbie in tow. This happened in October. Halloween, yeah. Wait, was this her? And I was like, you can't touch the house.

Yeah, that's the house. She's like, are you going inside? I'm like, I'm trying. Our friend Katie does these elaborate parties where she has actors scare you and stuff. And so there was a Michael Myers

outside of her house as we were entering. Oh my God. I can't handle that. The kid's good, but then I want to say. No, you did quotes. You can tell them. Fuck. I went in with Jack McBrayer

and that was entertaining enough when Michael Myers showed up. What was he dressed as? I don't remember. Southern hayseed of some sort? A fucking Sam Raimi and Bobby walk in. Michael Myers comes walking at him. Sam Raimi grabs Bobby and goes,

Save me, Batman. That's so funny. That was a great night. I don't think about it in the shower. He left in literally a half hour after he got there. That's so good. That was a great night. I don't think about it in the shower. He left in literally a half hour after he got there. That's so funny. And me and Rogers were like, it took him longer to put that costume on

than it did the amount of time he spent at this party. No, it took longer to take it off. Oh my God. It was dark. Like, zip. Like, oh. It was like a chest plate. Do you have a picture of you in it?

I don't. I don't. You don't? No. You didn't take a single picture? I have a picture of the costume. Wait, was this at the party where she had, like... No, it was a bad idea from start to finish.

And I literally went like, I got it to be funny, like to do dumb shit like this. And I was going to wear it here. And then I literally was like, don do this I would have gone much worse was this the party though where she had like the theme of like babysitter or the parents yeah like so like the invitation was like come as the babysitter the parents or the killer and then like she had tvs all around that had footage that people took of their partners and they weren't looking through the kitchen window.

So when you showed up to the party, it was footage of you and your house. It's like something you didn't know was taken by your wife or whatever. That's terrible. Isn't that amazing? She throws great parties. It's genius. That's wild.

I know it's so scary. And like you're just hanging out in the yard and all of a sudden Michael Myers comes walking out of the bathroom. You'll just be sitting in the party, like doing something and you'll see Michael Myers walk by and you're just like, oh, yeah, it's awesome.

I don't think I would trust hiring people to do that. Like, I'm like, you're scary. Yeah, you're going to kill me and my friends. Oh, they kill people. Oh, they kill people. Okay, why don't we do one more scene in there? Yeah, let's do it. All right. Let's get a suggestion.

A little bit of beat. We're like seeing the delay in real time. I know. No, thank you. Throw out a suggestion for us, team. There was a good one. There was Bane trying out different

voices was one. Catwoman auditioning for the Pussycat Dolls. The Villains on the View. Oh, the Villains on the View. Michael, not Keaton. That's a good name. Catwoman on Club Shae Shae.

But spelling it K-A-T-T that's very funny I had to whip the Batman oh my god that's incredible the costume

that's amazing I told it was no no exaggeration it was like jealousy inducing and then you look over

and he's fully dying I was gonna do Jimmy Fallon and they were like it happens to be Batman day

and so someone on Instagram that I was following makes those costumes and I was like can you like I was gonna do it

on Jimmy and then it didn't get made in time so then I was like now I have this thing oh my god let's talk about it more good thing you didn't

do it on Jimmy okay Riddler wants supplies at Michael's Now I have this thing. Oh my God. Let's talk about it more. Good thing you didn't do it on Jimmy. Okay, Riddler wants supplies at Michael's. Okay. Can I help you, sir? Will? Any one of you guys? Hi, I'm here with my husband.

I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. You called me, sir. Are you the Riddler? Oh, I apologize here with my husband. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. You called me, sir. Are you the Riddler? Oh, I apologize. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Can I have your autograph, sir? What has...

It's a no, Janice. I don't think... We're not supposed to ask our customers for autographs. Sorry, I just... Whenever I see a celebrity in the store, I have to get the autograph do you have we thought you were

the dollar sign guy Mr. Lesko at first yeah you can just draw a question mark no I am the riddler and I'm gonna come up with a good riddle

what has ink in it a pen squid yeah you have one yeah oh my god oh yeah that makes more sense

for the context of the conversation oh this is a oh my god this is gonna get my binder that's so awesome yeah Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. That makes more sense for the context of the conversation. Oh, there you go. Oh, my God. This is going in my binder. That's so awesome. Yeah.

We got Tom Sandoval's autograph yesterday. Oh, my God. Sandoval? Can you even? What? What are you looking for, Mr. Riddler? Can we help you? Our little felt question marks are in the aisle. That's what. Can we help you? Our little felt... So rude of us. Our felt question marks

are in the aisle. That's what you're picking up again? My partner over here, my wife, she brought me here. Oh my God. So do you do riddles too

or no? I write his riddles. Oh my God. Oh my God. Behind every villain is a strong woman. That's what they say. That makes so much sense. That makes a lot of sense. Oh my god Oh my god Behind every villain Is a strong woman That's what they say That makes so much sense

That makes a lot of sense Oh my god It's It's It's been hard Yeah But I I like to set her up

And It worked It really worked But do you feel like I mean like It would be kind of crazy If everyone knew That your wife

Writes all your riddles Like it's kind of. The Joker doesn't do all his own jokes. Yeah. The Joker has. The Joker steals from Gerard Carmichael. Yep. Steals right from Gerard Carmichael.

Have you never heard that? You're making a face like that's an insane thing to say. No, I've never heard that. He steals from a lot of different people. I've never heard that. I don't even believe you. I've heard it. If you look at Gerard Carmichael and the Joker, it's like

seeing the same. Yeah. They're always doing the same bits. Yeah. I'll look out for that. And Catwoman is just a woman, but not really. It's just a bunch of cats stacked up in a latex suit. Oh my God. What? Oh my God. I had my sexual awakening to a bag of cats in a leather suit. Oh my God.

Catwoman's husband is just a bunch of cats in a coat. Oh, so they're both just a bunch of cats in a leather... Oh, my God. Catwoman's husband is just a bunch of cats in a coat. Oh, so they're both just a bunch of cats. I didn't know Catwoman was married. That's good. All of us are. We don't talk about it. I'm happy for her. We just have something to lose.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, this is so interesting. Yeah, because I know, like, it's cool to meet you, find out, like, you're a real person. But we have, like, a lot of other customers and, find out, like, you're a real person. But we have, like, a lot of other customers and shit. So if you guys. Yeah, people are screaming.

His name's Edward. I'm Edward. Edward Nygma, yes. Mr. Nygma. Oh, yeah. I used to put the A on the end there. It did sound a little hateful when you said it. I know.

As I said it, I said. It was really wild. Yeah, right. The second I said it, I said, that sounds unusual. Is that definitely his last name? Yeah, I said. It was really wild. Yeah, right? The second I said it, I said, that sounds unusual. Is that definitely his last name? Yeah, pretty rude. Yeah, yeah. We say without the E,

it hits hard. You don't want to do that. And I have a name, too. I'm not just the Riddler's wife. Yes, you are. Your missus, whatever your last name might be. It's Riddler. Your last name is Riddler last name might be. It's Riddler. Your last name is Riddler? My name is Riddler Riddler. And is that where he got the idea?

My name is Brenda Riddler Riddler. And your hair is so gorgeous. It's cotton candy. Oh, no, that's hair. No, I'm sorry. That's hair. That part was hair. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Your pubes are cotton candy? Oh, sorry. The core. Cotton candy. The pink part. You shouldn't just lean over and let people grab it if it's going to be hair. yeah I'm sorry your pubes are cotton candy oh the core that's cotton candy the pink part you shouldn't just lean over and let people grab it if it's gonna be hair

I make a lot of bad decisions okay I don't don't be hard on yourself aww love you I love you we cut to their wedding day

what is what is everlasting and also beautiful me Cut to their wedding day. What is everlasting and also beautiful? Me. I was going to say my love for you, but also you, yes. Okay. What is a woman with eyes and a nose who I'm happy to be with?

You're a scoundrel. It's me, isn't it? It is. This is beautiful. I now pronounce you husband and wife. you're a scoundrel it's me isn't it it is I now pronounce you husband and wife Mr. Gelson is a celebrity wedding officiant

and I know everyone here who's stolen so don't try to get one past me I got all your faces on my little camera I go into the Gelson's

and eat four chicken cutlets every week that counts as stealing what? yep I poop it in the Gelson's and eat four chicken cutlets every week. That counts as stealing. What? Yep. I poop it in the Gelson's bathroom. That counts as giving back.

Wait a minute. Would that hold up in court? Yeah, like if I shit it back in the same place. If you eat food and then you didn't steal it, it's still there. It's still there. I think second only to a coffee shop around the block from my old apartment in Brooklyn, the Gelson's on Franklin is the public place

where I've shit the most in my life. Wow. The whole time you're talking about Gelson's, I'm thinking I'm like, that's the best bathroom on Franklin. I feel like you've gotten knocked silly so many times in this podcast.

With just me describing things from my life or showing things from my life. I feel like you, there must be a long list of places you've shit

a lot though. Yeah, like my gym, an office that I've worked at. Like, I've shit in a lot of places once. I have shit in the same

exact place for 10 years. You never, ever, ever? So if you're traveling. A single other place, just the roof of my car. I would pay very good money to see that. To watch you climb up to the roof. In your Batman costume. My Batman costume.

That's when you get off a flight from a 10-day vacation and you're like racing to your car cabras i love you with all my heart this is a true statement there are so many moments since that time where i will just be along my day just go oh just remembering trying to get out of that car and feeling the like i like one of your elbow pads like fell off. Fell off. It was a bear. I literally was like, I literally was like, can you go inside without me so I don't have to see your faces?

That's so stressful. Were you alone? Yeah. Yeah, the most alone I've ever been. Wait, how'd you get out of the car? Eventually he unbuckled to see this, like this. Oh my God. I should just call them

it was like it was one of those nights it was one of those nights it'll happen dude sometimes you're in that kind of mood like one day

I spilled my morning ice coffee that I made and I like almost like I was like this is why people don't have guns

in their house like I was so upset I was like my life sucks it is and it's like I had every ingredient I had every ingredient I had every ingredient

to make another coffee but I just stood there for like 10 minutes like I'm gonna fucking when you just like have at the end of your rope for some reason you're just like

that's it I like teared up I was like I can't fucking believe and I'm like on my hands and knees pulling the ice into a paper towel

I'm like what the fuck is even the fucking point you know I'm like spiraling about everything I'm like on my hands and knees pulling the ice into a paper towel. I'm like, what the fuck is even the fucking point? You know, I'm like spiraling about everything. I'm like, eh, how long has it been since therapy? I should go back too. I have PTSD from seeing my friend's breast during a recording.

We're breast friends. Calling it a breast. Boo! Breast friends. Sick. I mean, I feel like we crushed it. We did good. I think we've contractually done everything

they've asked us to do. Did the people, Julie, did you like it? What were you going to say? You can tell me when to buy a t-shirt. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah. Okay, so we have special limited edition Batman t-shirts.

Yes. And the back shows our ratings of all the Batmen throughout the season. We rated them on all sorts of special skills and whatnot. And it's only available right now, as far as I know. Yeah. That is true. Yeah. A limited edition T.

A limited edition T. You've got to get it right now, as far as I know. Yeah, we don't. Yeah. Limited edition T. Limited edition T. You gotta get it right now. Now. Pick up the merch, baby. Give that merch, baby. Thank you for listening to Newcomers Batman this whole season. Oh, wait. We're really excited about our next season.

Should we announce it right now? Are you guys going to announce it on the live stream? We're going to have people guess what it is. Oh, let's do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Guess what it is. Guess what our next season is, okay?

And while you're guessing, we'll do some, yeah, we'll vamp. We'll do some plugs. Yeah. If you like high end, if you like HeadGum live streams, I'm doing one on April 20th,

420, if you will. I've heard of that date. 7.30, live from the Dynasty Typewriter and also live stream. So you freaks can type whatever the fuck you want 420, if you will. I've heard of that date. 7.30, live from the Dynasty typewriter, and also live stream, so you freaks can type whatever the fuck you want, and maybe Emma will read it to me.

It'll be a bunch of funny friends getting stoned. Bobby, for people who might like Batman and podcasts, do you have any plugs? I have a podcast on comedy CBB World the comedy CBB Presents who me with the Batman like Batman and I interview people

that's funny I love that that's so fun okay people are guessing I saw Harry Potter I saw James Bond the Friday the 13th

franchise Harry Potter Terminator Terminator oh these are all good ones Friday the 13th that might be like October

that's definitely it I just started watching some of those with my daughter they're so good I only started watching them a few years ago

I missed the boat on all of them wait on what Studio Ghibli oh yeah I haven't seen I've only seen half of

Kiki's Delivery Service yeah Totoro oh wait and Spirited Away really cute yeah I've seen that one Totoro is the one Totoro is so cute

I love it. It's got the little gray cat. Yeah, it's just so calm and nice. It's just like a little... Thank you, Lego. Princess Mononoke is my favorite of them, of the Studio Ghibli movies, but it's not a chill one.

It's like about the environment and there's some violence, but I love it. Tarantino films is a good... I like that guess. I mean, I know the answer. Nicholas Cage movies. I know.

Nicholas Sparks movies. I did see One person did guess it. Yeah, it is. Oh. Should we say it at the same time? One person guessed it? One. A one.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Martin Scorsese. We're doing all the Martin, all the, all the, all the. No, we're not doing all of them. We're doing 10 Martin Scorsese movies. We're doing 10 Martin Scorsese movies. And we're really excited.

And we've never seen any of them. Except for Wolf of Wall Street. So that's not on the list. Yeah, because we had seen it already. Yeah, I'm stoked for the director. And here comes the art. Here it comes. Oh, that's awesome.

Here comes the art. Is it going into the chat or can they see that they can see it oh that makes me happy it's so good people are saying no no way and I don't know if it's out of excitement or like no I see a lot of

positivity including they are all so long yeah we're really excited yeah they are long but they are wildly so long. Yes. Yeah, we're really excited. Yeah, they are long, but they are wildly better made movies than Marvel and all the other ones. You know? Fast and the Furious.

Yeah. I don't know if they're going to be better than Fast and the Furious. A lot less silly, I think, they're going to be. Yeah, yeah. Well, we've done so much silly stuff over the seasons that it's kind of exciting to watch something that...

These are also movies that I feel like people are always like, you haven't seen that? And then you have to watch something that these are also movies that I feel like people are always like you haven't seen that and then you have to like do that that was a very specific that's me wow because you haven't seen that

you haven't seen get the fuck out of here you haven't seen wait can we curse here what yeah I'm very excited no I'm so excited

yeah it's gonna be good not listen to it but read the Reddit reaction yeah yeah yeah and I won't be doing that so that's great it's smart

I'll pass I'll cut and paste it when? go to Reddit next week right? it's like in a couple weeks from it'll be April 16th

comes out April 16th alright get your taxes done and get ready for fucking newcomers yeah I'm so excited wait is it tax season? Oh, yeah.

Well, you're probably already done. Yeah. Us corporates. Us corporations. Someone probably took care of that. A nice man does it for me. A nice man, Steven. Do you know who the first guests are?

Oh, well, yeah. And our first guests. Okay. Our first episode is Taxi Driver. And our first guests are the Action Boys. John Gabrus. Ryan Singer. and Ben Rogers. And it's really going to be fun.

Now people understand why when we did our Shadow Wolves this week, we did two Martin Scorsese docs that we brought up in your episode. And we kept being like, we were recently talking about Martin Scorsese without ever trying, without giving it away at all. That's good to know to you. That's nice. That should be a surprise.

I'm going to do the finale of the Martin Scorsese one dressed as Batman. Is that a promise? I would love that. Would you? If I could not say anything, if I could just sit in the back.

Just not say anything. Yeah, just sit right back there. Just stand back there. That's funny. Yeah, we could do Improvise Killers of the Flower Moon. Correct. That seems like a really good idea.

Yeah. Yeah. It's time. Yeah. It's been one month. See about them murders. Oh no. Why don't we not do that?

Thanks for doing this you guys. Yes, thank you so much. This was fun. This was the best. Thank you for the pizza. Thank you all for watching at home and we appreciate you so much. Except Julie. Yes, except for, well no. I'm not gonna lie to you. you so much. Except Julie. Except Julie.

Well, no. I've come around on Julie. I'm just kidding. We love Julie. We love Julie. We love Julie. She looks amazing. She can't hear any of this.

Hey, sniz. Do we ever find out if Basil was my roommate? Go off Basil. And people are worried about when I'm going to have my baby. Don't worry. We have thought about this in advance, and you will get all the episodes. As a matter of fact, I feel like expecting mothers, one of the main things on their mind is when the baby's coming.

I love the idea of like, I know you're bringing a life into the world, but when do we talk about this? We are ready. Don't worry about it. Just subscribe, and you'll be fine. All right. Thank you for having me. Bye. don't worry about it just subscribe and you'll be fine all right thank you bye bye newcomers is a production of HeadGum Studios.

Our producer is Ali Khan. Our executive producer is Anya Kanivskaya. The show is edited, mixed, and mastered by Ferris Monchi, who also composed our theme song. Follow us on Letterboxd at Newcomers and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. We might just read it on the next show. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

Bye. That was a Hiddem Original.