Newcomers: Scorsese, with Nicole Byer and Lauren Lapkus - LOTR Fanfiction Pt. 2 (w/ Molly Ostertag)

Episode Date: November 17, 2020

It's about that time again! In Part 2 of Lord of the Rings fanfiction, Lauren and Nicole are joined by graphic novelist and writer, Molly Ostertag, to get weird, goofy, creepy, and super cute with a fresh batch of fics.This round of fanfics truly runs the gamut of genres and moods. From the antics of Peepee the small stupid hobbit, to Lady Gollum's pursuit of rings and love, to (of course) some Sam and Frodo slash, there's sure to be a little something for everyone here.Like the show? Rate Newcomers 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts and let us know what LOTR media you'd like the series to cover.Sources for this episode:The LOTR-themed military spy satelliteFan Fics:The Very Secret Diary of Gandalf the GreyThe Mellon Chronicles ExcerptA Royal Wedding NightAdvertise on Newcomers via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Wow! I'm Nicole Byer. I'm Lauren Lapkus. And guess what? We are experiencing Lord of the Rings for the first time! And this is the 14th episode of this season. We have six more to go. And then I never have to think about Lord of the Rings ever again in my life. And I cannot wait for the day. I'm so excited. Yeah, I'm excited, too. Unfortunately, you know, I think what this is making us realize is that we really like Star Wars, which is maybe. Yeah,

yeah. I most surprising things to come out of all of the love Star Wars. What a dream Star Wars, which is maybe the most surprising things to come out of all of this. Love Star Wars. What a treat Star Wars was. I gotta say, I think I said it in another episode, Star Wars was goofy at times, and I appreciated that. Lord of the Rings is just so serious, and for me,

not, there's no teehee-ing besides those little trolls in the river, the barrels that made me tee there's very few and far in between tee hees well i'm excited for today because we are taking a break from the films for a moment to return to a highly requested topic which is fan fiction uh now if you're out there and you've never heard of fan fiction, it's stories written by fans featuring characters from a particular series. So we learned about it and read some crazy Star Wars fan fiction

on a couple episodes last season. And we read our first Lord of the Rings fan fiction a few weeks ago. So you can listen to those episodes first for context if you want it, but this will be pretty self-explanatory. And we're going to dive into more Lord of the rings fan fiction right now and read some more original writings and i must warn you uh this episode will be very explicit and there will be explicit language although mine's not as explicit as it was last time so i think mine also isn't uh because i i had a really like lofty goal with this and like uh like a big premise that like

I don't know if it pays off and I don't know if I did it good see last time I feel like I really learned that it doesn't have to be gross like I feel like every time we've done this our guests will be like no fan fiction can be like really sweet and I'm like I still feel like there has to be dicks and stuff and like I I now this time I tried to change it a little bit, but it's still, it is still sexual, but it's hard for me to stay away. Um, whatever. We'll get into that in a little bit. Let's introduce our guests. Now our guest today is Molly Ostertag. Molly is an award-winning graphic novelist and writer known for her webcomic Strong Female Protagonist and her graphic novel series The Witch Boy, The Hidden Witch, and The Midwinter Witch, and for her work on the horror comic book series Tales of the Night Watchmen. Welcome, Molly.

Hi, Molly. Hello. Thank you for having me. Thank you for doing this. We're very excited you're here because you also said before we started that you have an earnest, you know, energy regarding the Lord of the Rings stuff. And we really need that. Yeah, I've gone on a like real deep dive this year of like letting myself become like a truly embarrassing Lord of the Rings fan. And so I'm I'm here. It like occupies about like 50 percent of my waking thoughts.

Like I'm I'm here to just. I know it's really inconvenient. I have not gotten work done for so long how did you get into Lord of the Rings was it only this year or had you been a fan for years and it just came to a head if you will say this year I yeah I grew up watching the movies they came out when I was like nine or ten which was a good age to like really fixate on them and I also had no friends so I was like nine or 10, which was a good age to like really fixate on them. And I also had no friends. So I was like, this will be my personality. And then I like got a little older and I was like, okay, maybe this is embarrassing. I have to step back from it. And then I just feel

like this year I like left the concept of embarrassment behind in 2020. I'm not seeing people. I don't have coworkers right now. I'm'm just like I'm gonna go fully into like how much I love these these hobbits and like their beautiful romance and like them saving the world so that's great okay you said romance yeah what romance do you know about that I don't know about the romance that I think is is truly in the story is between Sam and Frodo and I know I listened to like your first episodes with the movies. So like, I know that you picked up on it too, because you're a person of taste. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like we, we definitely saw it a bit, but wanted more to happen. Yeah. And wanted something to confirm it. And then at the end when Sam like marries that woman. That like taller woman. I know, she's a lot taller than him. It was disappointing. Yeah.

Very disappointing. I feel like, like, yeah, I mostly was a fan of the movies and I always like, I kind of ship them a little bit when I was younger, but I was like, oh, it's like gay. And I'm like self-conscious about that. And now I'm like, as an older gay adult, I'm like, I see myself in these characters and in their relationship very much. But this was the first year that I sat down and like really read the book and I wasn't expecting the book to be so much more romantic like there's the movies are like low-key about it and the book is like very very tender um so it brought me a lot of joy

to kind of like read it and be like holy shit this is like this is happening we are doing this um we are having a beautiful romance well is there a payoff in the books like do they fuck unfortunately no i don't think anyone fucks in middle earth at all like i don't think that's a thing that people do unfortunately except in fan fiction but they yeah they move after the quest after they like save the world sam still marries rosie the taller woman but they move in with frodo frodo's like would you like to come live with me sam and sam is like well i technically said i would marry rosie and then frodo's like you can all come in i have a big house and so they live together for years eventually frodo goes to elf heaven um and then sam follows him eventually and they like live together in elf heaven that's really sweet wait and then does rosie follow her husband to elf heaven or she's

like i'll stick down here no she stays it's like he has a life with rosie they have like 15 children or something and then i know it's like oh the hobbits i don't know i don't know what their anatomy is like do you think that they like pop out like little gremlins when they get wet it's possibly a litter situation like it might be like yeah yeah yeah 15 at once yeah but yeah yeah so he has like a full life with her she like dies an old age and then he gets on a boat and it's like time to go see my boyfriend after 60 years after 60 years wow well thank god they didn't do that in real time

in the movie they pretty much did I was so mad I was so listening to you guys talk about the movies I had this like second hand embarrassment

where I was just like I'm so sorry like they're so long and so hard to understand they are very long and I mean we've said that maybe a thousand times

so I'm sorry to everyone that I just said it again but but there were things we've definitely found things to enjoy and like things that we found like funny or cool or whatever um i think it is just like the length really makes it hard for us to get totally invested because we get lost and then we're just like okay i'm i can't i can't figure out what's going on even though we've read you know we've now heard these stories in like 10 different forms and we're still like, oh, that's what happens? Did you guys watch the animated films?

Yeah. Oh boy, yes. Those are really wild. Those ones are so strange. They really are. And I'm thankful that's in the past. Me too. Speaking of the past, Molly,

this past September, you guested on another podcast called Lord of the Rings Minute, where the host dedicated an entire 20 minute episode to discussing Lord of the Rings films. One minute at a time. You were on episodes 206 to 210, meaning you spent an hour and a half talking about five minutes of screen time. How difficult was it to stretch one minute of film time into a 20 minute analysis? You know, I feel like we did it pretty well. I took it as an excuse to just like spiral off and talk about the things that I like, but we can kind of get into it. I mean, we could be,

I feel like when you get really into the movies, when you like the actors and everything, we can be like, Oh, is that Ian McKellen or like running across the field? Or is that like a stunt double? Like you just get really into like these little nitpicky things that are not fun for anyone except for someone who's slowly going insane in quarantine. So wait, how many episodes did they do of that? Because I mean, that must have been one minute at a time. Yeah, it was like the ring destruction scene. So they had, had I guess done the rest of the movies I don't I don't know how they must have started 10 years ago I really don't

but it was kind of delightful to just like go through it really minutely and I don't know are there any other like movies you could do that with or tv shows that you love enough no like this is really the one thing. And I've always, cause like I make, I make comics and I work in animation. So I try to like, like say a little bit outside of fandom culture. And this is the one thing that I'm just like, absolutely feral for. Like I'm just going for it. Why do you feel like you stay away from it? Like what, what are the reasons when you're in that world? I think it's, there's just like a weird intersection sometimes. Like I think if's just like a weird intersection sometimes.

Like I think if I was in a fandom for like a cartoon that was like adjacent to a cartoon that I'd written on, there would be like weird crossover between like fans and creators. But Lord of the Rings, I'm just like Tolkien is dead. He's not going to see me tweeting like horny tweets about hobbits. But yeah, it's like a big relief. So I can kind of just have fun without worrying too much about like running into anybody although ian mckellen ian mckellen followed my twitter and like oh was like asking me about like hot legolas art so i was that was that was exciting that's exciting yeah it's very exciting i love ian i think he's i'm a gandhi gal i think he's so hot

gandhi's really hot you're right about that i feel like seeing watching these movies as a child and then like it's just like the people that i have crushes on in the movie like has changed over the course of my life but i feel like recently i'm like yeah gandalf has has a way about him. He does. He's very tall. He has very much BDE. He's strong, powerful, knows what he wants. He's a little bit vulnerable. He's a little bit grumpy. Yes.

He's three-dimensional. Yeah. Good communicator, usually. I think my headcanon for him is that he has fucked like most of the like ancient creatures in middle earth like i think he and the balrog that's like the oh my god i love that yeah i love to picture it um nicole is there any like sort of movie or show that you feel like you could talk about for a minute at a time and be deeply invested yeah 90 day fiance uh one of the

spinoffs the family chantal there is a scene where chantal's mother brings a crock pot to bang or i think it's bangkok no where are they oh a thriller in a Thrilla in Manila. They're in Manila. So she brings a crock pot and says she's going to bring it to restaurants and ask them to hook it up if they don't have anything for her to eat. I could talk about that for hours. Oh, my God. That is so funny. It's so funny. There's a lot to get into there.

I don't watch Family Chantel because they make me so mad. Oh, you'll get livid watching this. It is so funny. Lauren, what about you? I don't watch Family Chantel because they make me so mad. Oh, you'll get livid watching this. It is so funny. Lauren, what about you? I don't know. Maybe Real Housewives. I just started watching Real Housewives of Salt Lake City and it's fucking amazing. It's perfect.

They're incredible. Every single person is insane in some way. One woman is married to her step grandpa. I lost my shit that was so so okay Molly I don't think you've matched it I like drawing all the cheese in my head her grandmother was married to

a man that was not her grandpa so that's her step grandpa and in her will she said that she wanted one of her girls to take care of him she steps up and says I'll do it she's also a minister. Also, she has the most expensive clothes, but doesn't know how to accessorize them or wear them.

Oh my God. And then she gets mad at Jen. Or no, she says Jen smells like a hospital, even though Jen had just come from the hospital where her aunt had her legs amputated. And she's like, I mean, the legs aren't there. These women are nuts.

I love them. And she's like, I have an aversion to the smell of rotting human flesh or whatever it's like yeah most people everyone does wait this is okay this is real housewives yeah so this is like a brand new this is a brand new spin off you can get in at the ground floor oh my god it's funny i've been bachelorette has been i've been losing my shit oh my god i don't i'm not only lord of the Rings I also like I respect that

Bachelorette's insane this season I know We just got Tayshia I'm very happy about it I feel like Tayshia might be the best Bachelorette ever She's very real

and like knows what she wants and is coming into it as like the second fiddle so I think it's kind of good like she's she's very direct I hope

I haven't watched like the last two episodes I hope everyone's nice to her. I can tell that these boys are all kind of traumatized. I'm worried for them. Yeah. Yeah. It's very pathetic how, how like ruined they were.

I've just never seen. It's like, she like had 20 men like whipped in a week. I know. I don't understand. She had entered into a like toxic relationship with 20 men so quickly. It's true. Broke all of their hearts. The scene where she came out and she was like,

I've just broken up with all the guys. It's so stupid. I love it so much. And apparently she's still with Dale. I follow a gossip site that says that they, that people have seen him on dates with other women, but then Dale and Claire both are using their Instagrams very effectively to make it seem like they are together.

Okay. And it's real. Now I'm, I sort of think it's a contractual obligation and that by the end of the season, it'll fall apart. I have a theory that she is like a criminal and dale is an fbi agent who has like studied her precisely and maybe has like a pheromone spray or something that like like he just is cheating in some way he

is like a grown in the lab yes something something's off something's up i love this idea that would be an amazing movie where this guy's like come in to like figure it out and take advantage of her and like get her and then gotta get close to her to find out the state secrets yeah okay well back to lord of the rings even though i really loved that um tangent but you co-create your web comic strong female protagonist with brennan lee mulligan who we plan to have on with us in a few weeks and so okay as middle earth enthusiasts has the common love of Lord of the Rings that you and Brennan share played any role in creating your series together? Or is that

just like a side interest? That's a good question. And it's sort of a project that's on hold. We haven't we haven't updated it for a couple of years, but we we've made two books together. I think it is just like I think what Lord of the Rings does in nerd spaces is that it's this very like common world that we can all come into together. So Brennan and I, we actually met. This is embarrassing. We met because we went to live action role playing summer camp. So we were like fully like in the fantasy world, like LARPing and wearing costumes. Was this as adults?

No, it was as teenagers. Oh, OK. Yeah. I mean, I was open for either option. Me too. I was like, as an adult, maybe I'll do it. That might be fun. It seems kind of fun.

I think it would be fun to go back to you. Quick question about LARPing. So like, it's live action role play. So like, do you arrive at LARP camp as your character and then you are your character until your parents pick you up? I, that is, no, that's not how we did it. I feel like there's different camps, different vibes. We would like show up and like, you like bond with everyone as, as your real selves.

And then you have like a night where everyone gets into character and you like put on your costume, you tape on your little elf ears and you just like go for it. Oh, that's cute. You were an elf? Sometimes. It was different was different oh you could be different yeah yeah it like every week it was like a different story oh yeah I know I was always angling to wear the elf ears though so so then like was there like sort of underlying drama within the LARPing about like real stuff that was going on between you and the people at camp? God, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Definitely. Like, like, I definitely had at least one experience of like, my high school ex and I are both like, we like just broke up. And now we're playing like,

warriors who are fighting each other. And I'm just really getting into how angry I am. Wow. Yeah, it was like good therapy. I was just about to say this is like therapeutic. And I like it. Yeah, it was a good thing for a bunch of dramatic teens to do. Molly, as an author, what are your thoughts on the world of fan fiction? Like what's your favorite subgenre? Yeah, so I've never read a ton of fan fiction before this year when I just started getting really into it. I love it. I mean mean I love it as an author

I think it's so fun that people like go into these stories and make their own worlds and I also with stuff like Lord of the Rings there's like this element of like telling these like queer and gay stories that like we never get those stories like we do not have an epic fantasy movie trilogy that actually has a gay romance at the heart of it. That's explicit. And so it's like the fan fiction allows us to kind of write ourselves into the world in a way that I think is, is really cool. So I find it, I find it definitely the ones that I read are very like narrative focused and very much just about like,

like they feel like they're in the genre of the movie or the book and they really just like, like are telling the story of these characters, except they're also queer in some way. So that's cool i think i think it's cool i think it's kind of transformative and fun yeah i feel like like we came into this not knowing at all what fan fiction was and we both thought it was just erotica yeah and then there's a lot of erotica there is a lot of it and then our friend madeline walter wrote like a devastating piece about this like woman and tattooing like who's in the first two seconds of star wars and i was like this is the most beautiful take and i i cannot bring myself to do it i i truly like we'll sit down i'm like i only can

write goofy dumb shit i can't i don't know how to be vulnerable and write fan fiction that's fair, mine is very vulnerable. It's like definitely like one of, as someone who's written a lot of work that's published, this is possibly like my most personal piece. And I'm like, it's about fucking Frodo and Sam. Oh my God. I'm so excited. I truly can't wait to hear it. Oh, well it's really, I mean, okay. I'll maybe read you a section. It's very long. It's the length of a book. This has been, this is what I did this summer. I like wrote a book that was Lord of the Rings. Okay. That's very impressive. Wild. I love that. I don't know. It's 2020. It's

just a weird year. There are no rules. Yeah, exactly. But I, yeah, the first I like when I was a kid and I was really into Lord of the Rings I read all of the Tolkien and everything and then I was like I'm I'm 12 I'm gonna go online and just search like Lord of the Rings stories to find more stuff to read and I found a website that was like a treasure trove of stories and I was so excited and I didn't know about fan fiction so I assumed that they all were written by Tolkien and the first one I clicked on was this like extremely X-rated like dwarf elf orgy. Oh no! Like just things that I did not know about as a 12-year-old.

There was like dwarf beards being used in a way that I don't think is sanitary. Like it was really a lot. And so I sort of like didn't read fan fiction for a long time after that. So I was like, this is a bit much for me. It's so crazy how like as a kid if you see or read something like that you never forget like I feel like I just have these things burn into my brain that I wasn't supposed to see and I'm like I'll just never be able to erase that I know I remember like specific lines from this fan fiction I'm like Gimli and Legolas going at it and just

slowly reading it and being like I don't think the the J.R.R. Tolkien wrote this. That's very cute. I think this is someone else. That's truly so funny to think about a kid being like, I don't know. I don't think he wrote this. I don't think he wrote it. It's like the word choice is just weird.

Yeah. Okay, well, shall we jump into our Shirewire? Hell yeah, dude. This is our news segment. Now, next U.S. military spy satellite launch has inexplicable Lord of the Rings theme. Okay, so a United Launch Alliance Atlas V, or V, rocket,

I don't know if it's V, is set to send a National Reconnaissance Office spy satellite into orbit from Florida's Cape Canaveral Air Force Station. Though information about NRO launches is always a little scarce for obvious reasons, this one looks to be relatively routine, except for the baffling mission artwork that includes a phrase in Elvish.

You just said a bunch of words together. I really did say a lot of words. But so I guess just to sum it up, I think a rocket's going into space and they put a picture of it and then behind it is elvish and it says goodness persists but then it's also written in elvish and i don't know why and a united launch alliance spokesperson said the artwork and theme came from nro which declined to explain the reference to Middle Earth. Maybe this fucking spy satellite's going to Middle Earth. Oh my God.

Well, that would be interesting if it was in space this whole time. So exciting. That would be a big twist. So it's not unusual for NRO to pick a quotable phrase and theme for its mission posters. Usually they involve some phrase in Latin and some sort of mythic character like a Pegasus or Thor, but we'll likely never know the details about this bewildering theme, just as we'll probably never know the specs of the satellite being launched. Well, I find that

very interesting and weird. I had no idea that they would use themes like that on a rocket. Like, why? It's just for fun? It's a spy satellite. It's a it's just a yeah a spy satellite i hate that yeah i kind of hate that too i think it's creepy yeah yeah like why does the government want to know like what i'm doing i lead a like a rather normal boring life why are we being spied upon i don't know it's like i don't trust anything to not be spying on me, but I've kind of just accepted that. Yeah. Like our computers, our phones. It's truly insane that we're like, okay.

If you post everything on Twitter or Instagram, you are doing the work for them. So it's like, fine. I'm like, you can't spy on me. I'm already sharing. You already know everything there is to know. Oh, that's such a go. Okay.

I thought I was taking it the opposite way. Like I'm making it so easy for them that I'm the problem. But no, I like it. How? Yeah, I like how you said it. Yeah, I like it. I'm making it easy. So like, leave me the fuck alone.

And I'm showing you everything that's going on. I do a podcast about Lord of the Rings. You don't have to spy on me. You know this. There's no surprises here. Should we take a quick little break? Let's do it. If you're wondering what a NordVPN is, I'll tell you.

VPN stands for Virtual Private Network, a service that protects your internet connection and online privacy. A VPN creates an encrypted tunnel for your data, protect your online identity by hiding your IP address, and allow you to use public Wi-Fi hotspots safely. I'm using a Nord VPN myself. And honestly, it's very easy to use. You connect with one click to enable auto-connect for zero-click protection. It has amazing speed. NordVPN is one of the fastest VPNs out there, and it supports every major platform, Windows, Android, iOS, Linux, even Android TV. You can switch your virtual location to access apps and websites in other countries. Get an exclusive NordVPN deal here at nordvpn.com slash newcomers. N-O-R-D-V-P-N dot com slash newcomers. It's risk-free with Nord's 30-day money-back guarantee. Link is in the episode description.

Ooh, ooh, we're back. So let's get into this fan fiction. OK, so we have some stories from the Internet and they will all be linked in the episode description if you want to read along, if you're a visual listener, learner, whatever. And we also wrote our own, as we've said. So we'll take turns reading a little bit of this fan fiction. What do you say? Yeah, let's do it. So this first one is the very secret diary of Gandalf the Gray by Cassandra Clare. The very secret diary is really cute. He like writes in it and he's like, nobody can see it.

But this fiction, this fic is taken from a series by cassandra claire known as the very secret diaries which chronicles the diary entries of various lord of the rings characters this one's gandhi's diary so here it is day one in shire stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty is it me or was frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along? Oh, my God. I did not think that was going to happen. I truly was like, this one's cute.

It's like diary entries and masturbating happens. We got it so quickly. Second sentence. And I love how short these diary entries are. Okay, so day two, it's Bill Bow's birthday party improved by substantial amounts of hobbit weed everyone show nice bill bow nice too lights show pretty what is this not bad either habits show suddenly fell over i don't know if that fell over oh whoops or yeah whoops fell over uh day three massive fucking hangover off to mina's thrife for some aspirin

day 12 went to sauron for advice about ring but but he had become evil. Nobody tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast, Rastafari and the Brown, probably stealing paper out of my inbox again. Day 13, stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constantly pelting sleep. Not good for pointy hat. Am amused self by spitting gum down on orcs. 14 visit again by sarah saran who tried to grab a

feel as if oh my god day 16 uh and lonely saruman maybe not so unattractive after all if uh if only were not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge claw-like fingernails. Okay, you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before. Day 19. Escaped. I'm in Riverdale. Sam's slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo baths. Elle's all out of strawberry scented soap now. L. Ron Hubbard's getting annoyed.

L. Ron Hubbard has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get into the first floor bathroom. Big Foldero about Ring have agreed to go with fellowship in case Sam might decide to give me a bath. Could use one. This is long. Day 20.

Elrond Hubbard has decided to send Frodo away. Oh, wait, no, I said that. Day 21. Aragorn is obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Ask Sam to give me a bath. He said, ha ha, Mr. Gandalf, you're not serious. Useless git.

Day 23. V cold on top of Kataratas. Aragorn one fight about who got to carry Frodo up the mountain. Bromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of the snow. I might have to hit him with my staff. Day 25, I don't want to go through the minds of Moria

as suspect Balrog is still angry about the bad date he went on back in the second age. Day 26, in minds of Mora, yep, Balrog's still angry. Day 27, fell into shadow. Balrog's still angry. Day 27. Fell into shadow. Balrog's such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable things before he would let me leave the caverns.

He decided not to tell the rest of the fellowship. We'll make up story about having engaged in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns and embarrassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he does, we'll tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha! Wow. Yeah.

It took us through a full month. Truly. It was written in like a weird shorthand. I feel like I've seen inside Gandalf's mind. Yeah, this really gave me a lot of insight into what he's speaking. It's like a beautiful character study. I told you, they're exes. He definitely fucked the Balrog.

Yeah, you're right. And did again. Lauren, do you want to read yours? Okay, yes. Okay. This is called The Mysterious Doors by Lauren Lapkus. Snow falls around a beautiful, frosty, frozen, cold ice castle in Middle Earth.

It looks like it's made of glass or ice. It looks cold. One of the eagles flies past it and tosses something into one of the highest windows. Ah! It's PP, a small, stupid hobbit. Not quite the soft landing I was hoping for, he complains as he rubs his head. Little birds fly around his head as a lump rises out of it.

He shoos the birds away with way more energy and force than is required and falls over again from his own dramatic movements. He looks around and sees he is in the tower at the top of the castle. There are two closed doors behind him. Wonder what's behind these doors, he says aloud to nobody. He walks up to the first door and knocks three times. The door creaks open slowly to reveal a glittery purple room with a velvety king-sized bed off to one side.

A stripper pole divides the space. What's going on in here? He manages to choke out into the jasmine-scented air. Suddenly, music comes blaring from some hidden speakers. It's a remix of Leonard Nimoy's song about Bilbo Baggins entitled Wet Ass Baggins. A disco ball comes down from the ceiling and throws shimmering light onto every surface. Just then, a stunning elf that looks just like Nicole Byer, but with pointy ears

slides down the pole. Pee Pee gasps. Niccolo Bye Bye, is that you? The music gets louder and nicola bye-bye does a few very impressive moves on the pole then she stands right next to the pole and leans against it pp thinks the show is over and he's about to clap when nicola bye-bye puts her arm out to the side and snaps her fingers a stringy haired nude golem slides down the pole onto her arm they kiss long and hard it's part of the performance and nicola bye-bye is relieved when the song and kiss both end she she flings him from her arm onto her luxurious bed get in your crate she commands he crawls

off the bed and into a small box in the corner nicola bye-bye finally acknowledges pp what she asks him point blank oh nothing i just dropped off i just got dropped off here and got curious about what was behind this door like what you see nicola bye-bye asks yes yes i do very much pp stammers well then you'll like what's behind door number two as well now get the fuck out of here she pushes pp out of her chamber and closes the door back in the harsh light of day, Pee-Pee struggles to open his eyes. He is exhausted from that exciting encounter, but decides he must know what is behind door number two. He knocks three times.

This is where it gets weird, if you can believe it. This is weird? This is weird. Okay. The door creaks open. The room has a magical light to it, beckoning Pee-Pee to come in. He looks around and sees that one wall has 100 small doors built into it. Pee-Pee tentatively walks up to the wall of doors and opens one of them.

He puts his eye up to the door hole and sees fellow hobbits, Nikki Wai-Gee-Gee and Mitchie Mooch kissing playfully. Nikki Wai-Gee-Gee and Mitchie Mooch. And throwing leaves at each other. He quickly slams the door shut and opens another. It is, oh, in it is one scene from the biopic Tolkien. PB watches for one minute, then becomes suicidal, so he slams the door shut. He opens the next door and watches the entire animated Hobbit film.

Wow, I've heard a lot of good things about this, but it's actually really boring, he says when it's over. He's about to open the next door, but thinks better of it and rushes back to the first door. He whips it open and sees Nikki Waigigi and Mitchie Mooch reading love letters to each other on a picnic blanket in an area that looks like the Teletubbies' grassy knoll. Pee-Pee stares longingly at them, and so does the baby in the sun. Nikki Waigigi and Mitchie Mooch feel someone staring at them and they turn to look at Pepe sup you want in? Pepe looks from left to right

behind him to see if anyone is looking yeah he says as he starts to climb in he's halfway through the door before Nicola Bye Bye walks in has anyone seen my gandy peen? hey you better not go in there

that will change the balance of everything but it's too late. The room starts to shake as Pee Pee falls into the other Middle Earth dimension. Nicola Bye Bye struggles to catch her balance as the Earth shifts beneath her. The ice tower falls to the ground and the Earth cracks open. The castle breaks into a million pieces as Nicola Bye Bye falls into the hole. Ah, she screams as she flails her arms and legs all around.

Just when it starts to seem like all hope is lost, Nicola Bye-Bye falls into the warm, loving embrace of Gandhi's giant arms. He cradles her like a baby. Let's get you into something more comfortable, he whispers into her ear. They kiss and turn out to the camera and a cartoon heart forms around their heads. The end. I love it. Also, I love that Weiger and Mitch were in it.

And I'm wearing a Doughboy's fucking t-shirt right now. Also, I love that Wiger and Mitch were in it. And I'm wearing a Doughboys fucking t-shirt right now. Oh, amazing. Molly, it's just a reference to one of our friends. I don't know if you know about the Doughboys, but I had to throw them in there because, you know. I love it. Where the hobbits making out. Yeah, I wanted something horny to happen. Nicole, how do you feel about being written about in such a way? I really loved it. It touched my heart. I love that in Middle Earth, I'm like confident and can slide down a pole and have a whole thing with a column that I suffer through. It was so funny. You didn't have to write that, but you did. I love it I it's funny because I wrote something a

little bit for you oh my god that's great see well last time we were talking about fan fiction we someone mentioned that we could you could that people put themselves in it and we hadn't we I think you had a little bit with your previous one yeah we hadn't really thought about that before that and then this time I was like, oh, that's fun. That makes it more exciting in my mind. Well, I like that you guys did each other. That's very cute. That's very fun.

Instead of doing a self-insert, you're like, here's a little present. You get to be held by Gandalf. Yeah, I wanted you to have what you wanted. I love Gandhi. It's funny that when I was writing the fan fiction, it never occurred to me to write about Gandalf. Maybe it's because I hold him so high in my brain. I really love Gandhi. It would be too vulnerable.

You can't show that side of your heart. Yeah. Should we read Tears Like Rain from the Melon Chronicles? Yes. Molly, do you want to read this one? Sure. Okay. All right.

Tears Like Rain from the Melon Chronicles. This is an excerpt from the first installment of the Melon Chronicles series, a widely known fanfic throughout the fandom. For fans of Aragorn-Legolas friendship stories, these are basically considered classics and often are stories in the fanfic genre of hurt comfort. Usually with either Legolas or Aragorn being tortured and the other coming to their friend's aid. Okay. Okay. Mirkwood has suffered... This is a lot. Okay. You can totally jump around, by the way. This is long.

Mirkwood has suffered tragic losses in the Last Great Alliance, including her king. With the very survival of the kingdom at stake, Thranduil finds himself at deadly odds with his older brother, Doraflin. When young Legolas becomes a pawn in his abusive uncle's ruthless power games, the lies,

deception and betrayal risk destroying more than just the young prince's life. This is so intense. Wow. Okay. But see, you're going to be, you're going to be pronouncing names right.

And we're going to be so impressed. I don't know who Dora Flynn is. That's a, this is a new character. Okay. Well, Thranduil, Thranduil was impressive.

That's Lee Pace in the Hobbit movie. Ah yes yeah um okay okay dora flynn quietly insinuated into almost all aspects of legolas's life after that he was careful however to avoid letting his actions be noticed by the boy's father or mother this is so creepy already thranduil was not so hard to avoid elvwen on the other hand could be quite a nuisance to his plans sometimes simply because This is so creepy already. Randuel was not so hard to avoid. Elva Wen, on the other hand, could be quite a nuisance to his plans, sometimes simply because she spent far too much time with the child for his liking. Still, Dora Flynn had the capacity of being supremely patient when it suited his purposes. Legolas had to trust him first.

Then the true molding could begin. Is this, like, incest-y? See, I get scared when they get like that i know we had one once where we were like let's cut this out it was terrifying um is it wait who's incest i'm so wait it's just it's just his uncle talking about like molding okay i'll give it i'll give it another we'll see we'll see maybe it's just a weird word choice i just yeah it was almost two weeks later that legolas first began to see a possible darker side to his new training. Legolas' tutor had left him about an hour before, and the young prince was stewing in his rooms.

Today hadn't gone too well. His instructor, Lord Dridian, informed him he was not paying enough attention to his studies and said that he was going to talk to his father. The door opened, and Legolas half expected it to be his father, but it was not. It was his father. The door opened and Legolas half expected it to be his father, but it was not. It was his uncle. Okay. Doriflann had met Drudian in the hall when he tried to see the king. His brother was busy, he said, but if it concerns Legolas, he would take the message to him later. Thranduil would never get the message. The elder elf walked across the room, running his fingers across the pile of scrolls and haphazardly stacked books that Legolas had shoved to one side of his table in frustration.

Your father is not pleased with Lord Drudion's report of you, Legolas. Legolas looked down. He hadn't suspected he would be. I'm sorry, Vede. And there's a note. Vede means uncle in Elfeth. I don't mean to vex him so much. It's just all the names and dates and facts. They're so hard to remember sometimes. I know that's no excuse though. He added quickly. Dora Flynn nodded slowly, gesturing for Legolas to come to him. The prince did. I told your father I would help make sure your marks improved and he agreed. So Dora Flynn picked up one of the scrolls near the top. Is this the one Drudian was using today? Legolas nodded. I've

been going over it again since he left i will do better next time this is what this is wild this is just like he's just quizzing legolas online you also might have to go on for like 10 billion more pages so um i'm like trying to find like the juicy part of this i know when does it get good hold on i'm scanning myself okay oh okay they started they started having a physical fight um on the next page okay okay okay okay i'm okay we're gonna skip ahead a little bit yeah i think that's fair uh to his credit legolas really had done a comparable job of memorizing the information but inevitably he eventually fumbled on a question and got the answer wrong. Legolas started and yelped slightly in total surprise when his uncle

slapped him firmly across the face with an open hand. Dora Flynn liked the startled, pained look in the younger elf's eyes. He was sure his brother was far too lax with the child for Legolas to understand physical punishment. Oh my god So he reverses. Oh no! Backhanding his nephew the other direction. This is so crazy. It's not incest, but they do beat each other. They're being the shit out of his child.

It's child abuse. Yeah. Okay. Glegelus backed up a few paces, utterly shocked and confused. Both his cheeks were flushed and hot, and he pressed the back of his right hand against one, looking to his uncle with wide, questioning eyes. Doriflind's face was impassively neutral. He acted as if nothing unusual had happened. That was the wrong answer. Try again. Hmm. Legolas wasn't sure he wanted to, but he collected his thoughts and tried to figure out which part he had erred on. He spotted it without much difficulty

and corrected himself, looking hesitantly to his uncle to see if he was right this time. Dora Flynn smiled and nodded. That's correct. He moved on again, posing another question and another until the prince missed one again. Legolas didn't make a sound this time, but he still started sharply when his uncle struck him. He unconsciously pulled away a step, although it did no good because Dora Flynn just followed him. Oh no, this is horrible. He tried to correct himself again, but it was a question he was a little uncertain about, and it took him several tries to get it right. Dora Flinn

struck him for each wrong answer. Where's Aragorn in this? And the prince's eyes glistened with a dangerous amount of moisture. By the time he finally got to the right one, Legolas' breath came quick and fast, wobbling slightly. All right, enough study for today. Dora Flynn abruptly ended their session,

rolling up the scroll and setting it aside. We'll do more later. I don't think you're prepared enough right now. He brushed Legolas's flushed cheek with one hand, his thumb skimming under the prince's eye and catching the unspilt tear. Tears are for children, Legolas. You're an adult now. Please act like one when we're together. the reprimand was not exactly biting but it was close this is i don't this is weird you guys it is super weird it is all i'm thinking is i want to see who wrote it and i want to see them writing it this is i i just i want i need more info. Okay. Here's his justification. Dora fun smiled somewhat condescendingly. Legolas, Legolas, you have so much growing up to do.

Don't take it personally. I am here for a purpose, to help you learn better. Pain is a teacher. It molds us, shapes us, hardens us to face the future. Yikes. Kids, don't listen. When you first took up a bow, you hurt afterwards, did you not? Legolas nodded slowly.

Yes, that was true. He often ached after practice. And if they weren't careful when sparring, the boys could hurt each other or themselves pretty badly. He understood the concept that if it hurt, you wouldn't make that mistake again. He supposed he had better stop being such a big baby about this. Oh. It's never okay if someone yeah never shy from pain especially the pain i give you dora flynn nodded approvingly when he saw

the boy rationalizing it all in his mind legolas was so eager to please and that made him supremely pliable it is for instruction and for your own good do you understand that nephew libelous nodded yes they day i'm sorry i will do better wow that's it okay that was heavy and i know so this this is categorized as hurt comfort because that's like it just feels like hurt slash hurt i well i feel like this is a section and it's like yeah like the genre of hurt comfort for fan fiction is it's it's just it's like men getting injured and then other men like tenderly caring. So I assume at some point Aragorn is going to come in and be like, your uncle was abusive. Let me heal your wounds. Yeah.

OK, so, yeah, our producer. We're getting something in the chat. Yeah. This is a tiny snippet of the first installment. So that goes on no because he sent it to me and he was like are you familiar with this and i wasn't i wasn't and i looked it up and it was one and a half million words long and i was like whoa that's wild okay so this is barely getting into the hurt section apparently and then we'll yeah it goes on yeah

we're gonna get a lot of hurt i bet we'll get a lot of comfort later it'll probably go back and forth between hurt and wow like i feel like so normal for i just want to read about how that's like tenderly holding each other yeah i was like i just want them to be happy i'm not into the whole hurt thing i think it's a little i don't know it feels it feels like it's coming from a place of personal pain yes and i think that's the part that's worrisome yeah there's something so interesting about fan fiction and how it's like so so overwhelmingly about male characters and it's this thing of like wanting to see men cry i think and like be tender and like express these feelings like i think you could write a million like gender studies papers about fan fiction and how strange it is but yeah it feels like a whole different part of the internet that i just like i i truly go between like twitter and instagram over and

over again when i could be diving on weird websites like this and finding like bizarre hurt comfort stories that i could it's you know it's like it's just it's out there to like scratch a specific pitch for people and it's it's like it's always it's if nothing else it's very interesting to just be like someone this is someone's takeaway was that they needed they needed to write this and I understand it I needed to write about Sam and Frodo kissing for the length of two novels like I needed to do it I couldn't sleep until I did it. Like, yeah. And I think that's pretty,

I think that's normal. So that is normal. Thank you. I think it's more normal. I'm into that. Okay. Well, Nicole, do you want to read yours?

Sure. Okay. So this one doesn't have a name. I just titled it Lord of the rings fanfic so that's creative thank you lauren okay so precious precious i muttered to myself as i scampered through the hills and valleys of middle earth i may be in riven riven doll or Mordor. Who knows? I sure don't. All I know is I don't have my precious. I come across a river flowing so freely and beautiful. There's also a nice tree there.

I climbed the tree in a nasty way. Limbs flailing as if I wasn't used to my weird little monster body. A wisp of my hair gets caught in the tree limbs, trunks, branches. Yes, that's what they're called. I didn't. It's just free flowing. No stopping. I wrote it free flowing and I didn't edit it.

I lay on a branch and take a deep breath and sing. My precious, my precious. All I want in life is my precious ring. La, la, la. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, And I look at all the elves go about their elfish business. My eye catches a very blonde one who goes by the name of Orlando Bloom and is kissing a very dark elf. After they kiss, she pushes him away. I hear her say, I'm no sin cheating be bobin, which is I know you're cheating on me and elfish. Wow.

Rushes away. And I and I just keep looking at this beautiful Orlando Bloom. Orlando looks sad and takes off running towards the field. So I chase after him as quickly as my weird body will let me. He stops in my special tree and I peer from behind it. He catches my eye and hops down. We look at each other up and down and he catches my chin with his hand and says, wow, what happened? Nothing. Which is what happened to you? Wow. I can't remember the translation. I didn't write the English one.

I looked up as I tell him through a flashback what happened to me. In a flashback, we see a beautiful black woman standing next to an equally beautiful woman. Chris Harrison says to the handsome man standing next to him, who do you give your rose to? The handsome man says, Jen, which is not the beautiful black woman. The black woman withers a bit and yells out some indistinguishable stuff and runs out of the studio.

And Chris Harrison is just like, oh, okay, that's cool. And then the camera crew follows her like she's on Moria. She runs through the halls and out the door. One camera guy mutters, she'll be back, but she doesn't return. She runs all the halls and out the door. One camera guy mutters, she'll be back, but she doesn't return. She runs all the way to the field, all the way to a field where she falls in a hole and comes out on the other side.

Oh boy, she's in Middle Earth. Then there's a montage of her muttering, my pretty ring, my pretty ring. How come you didn't give me a ring? Orlando Bloom is stunned. He says to Lady Gollum, what's the bachelor? Lady Gollum says, it's too hard to explain suddenly dark when uh orlando bloom's elf wife appears and says you're cheating on me with her ew orlando bloom says no i would

never this nasty marriage hungry creature uh has taught me that i'm a one elf boy and i love you so much they start making out uh then man gollum appears out of nowhere and scares lady gollum and says she takes his hand and then they refresh reverse shrek into beautiful people and then they all have a foursome and then we sweep up into the sky where gandhi's jerking off the end the bachelor part was i got that i got that okay I was waiting for myself to appear, but then I realized it was the bachelor and I was happy with that. That was really great. I love that. I love that.

It really was real wild. Wow. I like how many worlds collided in that. That was great. Yeah. And I liked that it was in the first person. Oh, thank you.

Well, I was going to be Gollum. And then I was like, who wants to be Gollum? So I made her lady. Lady Gollum and then I was like who wants to be Gollum so I made her Lady Gollum Lady Gollum is a very upsetting concept I feel like if Lady Gaga was Lady Gollum situation I don't I don't yes it would be bad it would be it would be something that would be sick um but it was beautiful, and I really loved it. Yeah. Thank you. It was affirming.

It was, yeah. I love it. Thank you. Thank you so much. Okay, well, I'm going to jump into A Royal Wedding Night by Flamewolf. Oh. Now, the summary is, a look at what Arwen and Aragorn wedding night might have been like. Okay.

Following her new husband down the stone corridor she tried to focus on anything but how different this place was from rivendell tonight would be her first night as her beloved woman and she intended to show him just how much she loved him besides she had pined for him the entire time he had been on his quest despite her father's best efforts her affections for him had only grown filling her heart to bursting the moment she saw he was safe and whole after all the hardships he had weathered. It had been all she could do to wait for this night to show him just how much she had missed his presence. The creak of metal hinges brought her out of her reverie, ethereal blue eyes looking into those of her husband. Just thinking

of him as such thrilled her to her very bones, making her shudder as the urge to kiss him took over her body. Full lips parting, the pallid beauty of Ribbon Dahl leaned toward the one man that had conquered her heart as he bent toward her, the arm holding the candle stretched out away from her. With the arrogant smirk she so loved, he was sweeping her into one arm before entering the room they would be sharing for the rest of his short life. Kicking the door shut, the one known as Strider set his candle on a stone table, moving to the fur-covered bed. Laying his bride down carefully, the true king of Arnor and Gondor stood back to allow himself to admire her. Moonlit skin seemed to glow with its own light

while she slowly set up, her dark hair standing out in sharp contrast against her luminescent skin. Heavy lids hooded, darkened, blue eyes, full lips parting as she took a pose of a nymph luring a man to his death. Breathless at the sight of her, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, removed the ceremonial armor he had been given for his wedding. The light from the fire in the fireplace danced off his tensed arms

while he shed his undershirt, revealing the scarred body underneath. There were many marks of battle over his defined muscles, telling of the numerous fights he had gotten into on his long journey back to the throne. Being a rogue that had earned quite a reputation, there was likely no number of men that had tried to make their name through his death. Still, he wore them like badges that they were, almost seeming proud of them. Sliding off the bed with otherworldly grace, Arwen floating over to her husband, delicate hands spreading over his hair-dusted pecs.

Careful, blunt nails skittered over his skin while she met his gaze carefully. Those, this, like spiders. This close, this close, a spicy, musky scent filled her nose, plucking at ancient instincts her kind had long since buried. Yet tonight she knew they would come in handy. Reaching up with her right hand, she rested her palm against his cheek while standing up on her tiptoes to brush his lips with hers. What are they going to kiss?

They're just brushing lips. The prickle of his facial hair drew a sigh from her as she instinctually leaned her body into him. His naked arms wrapped around his woman, his partner, the smell of exotic flowers overwhelming his senses. After years of restraining himself, of being able to see but not really touch, feeling her clothed breasts pressing against him was almost enough to drive him over the edge. As it was, he had to fight to remain gentle, his head tilting while the embrace deepened. For endless moments, they shared air as their tongues danced,

both parties reluctant to put any distance between their bodies. My husband just walked out on me. Did you hear the door slam? He was like, enough of this.

He was like, it's over. I was like, I'm sorry, I don't have your Dustin text. I just keep reading and he's taking his suitcase and he's like driving away. Do you want our tongues to dance?

Aragorn is the one to pull away, placing a kiss on his beloved's forehead before spinning her to face the bed. Placing a hand on her lower back, he gently led her towards the bed, careful to pay attention to any signs of discomfort. The moment he thought she did not want to continue he would stop immediately let's consider it yeah something it turned out he didn't even have to worry about arwen went willingly sitting on the bed with an expression that only added fuel to the flames growing inside him she was a goddess pale perfect and making him go to his knees wordlessly his kisses the tops of her feet in worship showing her how devoted to her he was. Watching her lover, this is long,

watching her lover, King, the daughter of Elrond, reached for him. Okay, they kissed. Then it was far too hot, too many clothes. They take them off, and he lowered the top of the dress she'd worn for their wedding. The reverent expression on his features came close to making her giggle.

Finally getting the point, he carefully grabbed the hem features came close to making her giggle finally getting the point he carefully grabbed the hem of her dress to help her move it looking looking upon her naked flesh almost felt tantamount to sin and he had to struggle not to avert his eyes out of respect and then he laid over her once more she wrapped her legs around his waist daringly to hold him close mouthing an unneeded apology, he moved forward, taking her virginity as shit. Biting her lip against the cry of pain, she leaned into the heat of his body for comfort while he stilled. After a few moments, the pain dulled, prompting her to kiss under his ear to signal him to move. He began a slow rhythm, groaning softly. Sighing in response, she arched into

her lover, her hands tensing on his upper back arwen growled in her ear as his movements grew quicker more desperate feeling something tightening inside her she breathed out his name as she nuzzled into his neck slowly the feeling built into an inferno pulsing and curling inside her to form something she had never felt before gasping she held on for dear life lights flashy before her closed eyes it felt like she was on the brink of something powerful only her grip on her husband anchoring her to reality. Then she was tipping over into a strange, pleasurable

oblivion. Soon after, he was emptying into her. A hot substance filling her womb. That's not how you think of it. Some part of her hoping she would become pregnant, she reached for her man and began to kiss him while his thrust slowed and eventually stopped.

Panting, the new king pulled them both onto the bed, wrapping his arms around her while warm lips peppered her face. I love you, my queen, hussed out of him as his breathing began to even out. As I love you, my king, she murmured, resting her cheek against his chest while she drifted off as well. He was emptying into her a hot substance, filling her womb is one of the most upsetting things I think I've ever seen in print. I don't like that. If I wasn't gay, that would have turned me gay.

It's repulsive. It's completely repulsive. And then the other one was his erection pressed against her either womanhood. Oh, I skipped that part, I think. Yeah, I noticed that you skipped that part. I didn't catch it. I didn't see it I

would have read that um I had to skip a little bit or we would have been here all night long reading this one person's story but okay Molly do you want to share a little bit of anything even just a snippet just a little whatever makes you comfortable yeah well okay what would you guys would you guys rather hear like a little passage from my fan fiction where they're dating? Or would you rather hear, like, a romantic scene from the book? I could read you either one. Ooh. Ooh.

I'm kind of curious about both. Okay. What do you vote for, Nicole? Let's see. Dating, romance. Give me dating. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. So it's, like, after they've already gotten together. So they go to Rivendell, Riverdale. And Frodo is like injured and recovering. In my fanfiction, that's where they get together and Frodo, Merry and Pippin and the pony ended up trailing behind, until one of them noticed and came back to keep an eye on them. Protected by four great warriors and a wizard, that wasn't a bad way to see the world, Sam decided. And there was another reason to be in good spirits, which was that Frodo had said that they were something sweet for the road, and now they planned to be on the road indefinitely. They hardly had time to talk to each other alone before they left, so Sam planned to follow Frodo's lead when it came to affection.

He was surprised, and happily so, when on their first night seated around a campfire, Frodo came and settled against his legs. Sam cracked his bread in half and passed some to Frodo, who shot him awake. Pippin scoffed as he helped himself to the kubbat. Unbelievable, Frodo Baggins. Frodo sat up sharply. What? Pippin pointed a sausage at him, shaking his head sternly. We are on a mission of utmost importance. Isn't that right, Gandalf? The wizard nodded sagely behind a cloud of pipe smoke. Venturing into the direst of dangers in the darkest of times, and you two sit here flirting. Merry snorted, and Gandalf choked on his smoke and Frodo let out an undignified squawk. Sam couldn't help laughing a little. Subtle, Frodo said to Pippin, shaking his head.

From this angle, Sam couldn't see his face, but could see that his ears were bright red. Thanks for that, Pippin. I thought that hobbit was the cook, said the dwarf, Gimli. I thought he was Frodo's bodyguard, said Legolas. Boromir looked confused. I thought he was Frodo's bodyguard, said Legolas. Boromir looked confused. I thought they were all children. Now it was Sam's turn to blush. I'm almost 40, he sputtered. Boromir held up his hands, looking surprised, and Gandalf hit a laugh in his cup. Anyway, what does the road to Mara look like, Frodo asked loudly, and Strider mercifully lodged into a description. Frodo shot Sam a rueful look, but he also reached up and threaded

his fingers through Sam's. And later later that night they pulled their bedrolls together and Sam fell asleep with one hand resting light on photo's side and nose buried in photo's curls and that was that that's so cute that's so sweet and cute thanks I'm flushing so hard at reading it it was legitimately good

I really liked it I'm a good writer I'm gonna like bring I'm a good writer. Like, I'm going to like bring all of this to like making my, I really, it was very beautiful imagery. I liked he could only see his red ears blushing and couldn't see his face. It was very sweet. Little red ears blushing. Really loved it. Thank you for sharing. Thank you. I mean, I just think it would be really cute if they were dating. I wish they were. I agree. I think it would make them happier. I think it would be nice cute if they were dating. I wish they were. I agree. I think it would make them happier.

I think it would be nice for them. I agree with you. Yeah. I want them to date. I want Nicole to fuck Gandalf. And I want me to have a bachelor version of Lord of the Rings. I love the idea of being of a bachelorette Lord of the Rings where I'm the bachelorette. All the men of Lord of the Rings are there

and I don't I'm not gonna date them but I'm just gonna like hang out with them and make them fight each other good cocktail hours and it would be so fun yeah yeah well we've come to the end

Molly is there anything you want to plug um I you can follow if you want to plug? Um, I, uh, you can follow, if you want to see me just talking nonsense about Lord of the Rings, I have an alternate Twitter account that's just, um, Hobbit Gay on Twitter. So that's like, um, I draw a lot of fan art for it. So if you, like, need content,

that is where it is. Um, and I have three graphic novels that are, uh, middle grade books for kids called the Witch Boy series up from Scholastic. Oh, I love it. Yeah, that's what I books. They're for kids called The Witch Boy Series out from Scholastic. Oh, I love it. Yeah, that's what I got. Nicole, anything you want to plug? Yeah, I have a Patreon where I talk about 90 Day Fiance.

It's called 90 Day Bay. Me and my friend Marcy Jarrow, we break it down. We talk about these wild people that I love. It's truly a treat. You should subscribe. And then my Instagram and my Twitter, at Nicole Byer, there's like a little link tree and it tell you all the podcasts that i do lauren i also have podcasts i have a my podcast freedom with scott ackerman and paul f tompkins is back now and it's free wherever you listen um so get into that and i have my patreon at patreon.com slash Lauren Lapkus, where I'm doing watch alongs

and improv and conversations and fun stuff like that. And what else was I going to say? I think that might be it. Oh, I have a live show coming up with wild horses with our guest Kate Menig from the L word. And I'm very excited. It's December 5th and it's going to be online and it's five bucks. So watch that. You can get tickets at dynasty typewriter. I'm going to be online and it's five bucks so watch that you can get tickets at Dynasty Typewriter I'm gonna watch it I'm really excited .com thank you oh my god I love her I like her so much yes and she's very cool and I'm very excited and I can't

wait so come to that show and shall we read our little five yes battle of the five stars this is Darkwing Rocks by Sandy Calm on Apple Podcast. Hello, Nicole and Lauren. I was happy to

tee hee hee with you through Star Wars, which I didn't know much about, but now I appreciate so much. I couldn't wait to see you guys trapeze through Middle Earth. I know Nicole meant for Dark One to be a joke, but I found her story to be very poignant. There are actually black and

brown people in Middle Earth, but you don't see them in the films. Oh, interesting. I think it'd be really interesting if you interviewed a scholar to learn more about Tolkien's view on race. I would say that he's a racist in the most literal sense of the term, i.e. that different races have inherent characteristics, but he wasn't necessarily a white supremacist. Tolkien was born in South Africa and his mother took care to include the black servants in their family portraits which is not at all common at the time it's hard to say how his mother's views on race would have impacted Tolkien since she died when he was so young but there's a scene in the books where Sam realizes that black and brown people aren't evil wow they just happen to live closest to Sauron.

Anyway, can't wait to hear the rest of the series. I like that there's a scene where they realize they're not evil. So he's not racist. That's so funny. That is really interesting. And also not covered in the film, the biopic. No. They don't touch on anything. They don't touch on. We learned film, the biopic. No. They don't touch on anything.

They don't touch on, we learned nothing from the biopic. It was truly a waste of everyone's time. And I don't really say that about many things, but like it was, I was angry that it was made. Well, because we are, you know, I'm more curious about how he wrote these books than I am about like his time at like school or something. Yeah, I don't give a shit about like school or something. It wasn't,

it wasn't an exciting story about, you know, his creativity, which I think could have been interesting or inspirations besides that one, like war scene or whatever they kept returning to. But well, that's very interesting. Thank you,

Sandy calm. And that may not be the last you've heard of dark wind that there may be a certain popular role-playing board game we'll be getting into a couple weeks where we'll have the choice to create our own characters and go questing with them. That's news to both of us. It truly is.

I think we're both here. What game is this? I think, what, Dungeons & Dragons? Would you play that with Lord of the Rings or is that a whole separate thing? I don't think you would play it with Lord of the Rings. It's probably like a Lord of the Rings board game. You guys are going so deep,

I love. That's what we can't believe. You are consuming so much content that I have never ventured towards. Oh my good god. Okay, well, stay tuned for that. Oh no, it's Dungeons and Dragons. Oh, it is. Our producer just confirmed we're playing Dungeons and Dragons. Well, I'm, I for

one, I'm scared but excited and I think it'll be interesting. And we'll get to make our own characters and that is fun. Well, I'm, I for one, I'm scared, but excited. And I think it'll be interesting. And we'll get to make our own characters. And that is fun. Well, okay. Next week, we're getting our feet wet into the world of Lord of the Rings video games. Okay, what?

We're getting our feet wet? Does that mean we're going to get our feet even more wet later and do more about it? I mean, how many things are there? Our guest is the man who voiced the main character in the video game. Okay. So we will see you then and thank you so much molly for being with us today and for sharing your writing and everyone go buy her books and uh we'll see you next week bye bye That was a Hiddem Original.