Newcomers: Scorsese, with Nicole Byer and Lauren Lapkus - More Star Wars Fanfiction (w/ Betsy Sodaro)

Episode Date: April 21, 2020

After popular demand, we're back reading all new Star Wars fanfiction! Comedian & writer Betsy Sodaro (host of A Funny Feeling, voice on Duncanville) joins us to read our new original stories, and a few fanfic from the web. Warning, this episode is very, very NSFW.Listen to our first fanfiction episode here.Fan FictionsIf It Weren’t for the Falcon by reylolove44Star Wars: The Deceived by Darth ViciumNext week - we complete the sequel trilogy with Rise of Skywalker.Sponsor:Care/Of: Get 50% off your first order at TakeCareoOf.com and enter code newcomers50.Manscaped: Get 20% off and free shipping with the code NEWCOMERS at Manscaped.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Oh boy, welcome to another episode of Newcomers! I'm Nicole Byer. And I'm Lauren Lapkus. And today we decided to do a little bit more fanfiction! Oh my god, I'm so excited. Okay, so if you're just tuning in for the first time, you missed a lot. But we've never seen Star Wars, we're watching it for the first time.

We did a previous episode where we recorded our own fan fiction and we wrote our own fan fiction and it's it was crazy. It was wild. We had Madeline Walter on. She wrote a beautiful piece that made us look like animals. And I'm so excited because our guest today is one of I think I can safely say it's one of our favorite people. Betsy Sedaro. of I think I can safely say it's one of our favorite people. Betsy Sedaro. Thank you so much for having you. You guys are like two of my favorite people.

Oh, my God. This is just the best. This is just the best. It's the nicest Zoom call I've ever been on. I'm looking at two people I like so much. Yeah, big time. Oh, I miss outside. I miss the world a little bit. Yeah.

Betsy, what is your connection with Star Wars and what's like your history with the franchise? So I was never really into it until seventh grade. I had a crush on a dude who was super into Star Wars. And I remember like going home to my parents one weekend and being like, we got to rent all three of the Star Wars movies. And they're they're like why and i was just like i just i just i want to watch them and because and it was from so out of the blue and so i remember like watching and trying to remember like stuff from them and the whole time just being like oh these are okay they're kind of boring but

then just being like nope nope, this is awesome. My dude likes them. So I'm going to keep just trying to get into them. And that's kind of it. And I've always enjoyed them, but now it feels like there's too much Star Wars stuff that I'm burnt out. We would agree. There's so much.

We've seen, I think 10 movies and a lot doesn't make sense well you know it was so funny last night when i was writing my fan fiction mike was like he put on the last jedi to like get me in the mood of writing it and i got so mad i was like turn it off i can't like i feel like a little kid i was like i can't think like turn it off like it was like i even no matter how much i have found things to like it's still like this isn't what i want to hear in the background right now like it's not i will say i enjoy them when i'm uh travel like flying on long flights because they're very easy to fall asleep to. Like on a plane, just plug it in and you're like, cool, I got like a three hour movie.

That's such a good idea. I'll just pass out during it. So I highly recommend that. That's a good plan. I actually watched a clip not to get in the mood of writing, but I was like, I don't who are these people again? So I watched a clip to inspire the writing. Yeah, I did Google the characters

and kind of get a couple refreshers. Oh, nice. I picked one character I remember and just stuck with it. Oh, okay, good. I watched the iconic scene of Kylo Ren and his wide body talking to Rey. Oh, nice. Yeah, that comes into play in mine a little bit

yeah we might have a lot of crossover there um i have to say in our hoth goss segment which is where we bring up anything we've seen online that's uh interesting related to star wars someone tagged us in a picture of um it's like a fake family photo of luke or no uh leah han and kylo ren all the actors as like 30 year olds and a child so it would look like a family photo so like when adam driver was a kid he's in the picture with uh leah and han as like 30 year olds whoa and it's really funny looking like picturing them as his parents. It was funny. I still maintain that Adam Driver is not their child, that the casting is wildly wrong.

I don't think he looks like them. I think he kind of. Yeah, I think it's an interesting choice. I think he kind of looks like a stretched out Harrison Ford. Yeah. Like his head has been kind of pulled up and down, stretched out Harrison Ford a little bit.

I could see that, but I feel like then the wife, whoever was the mom would need to be like a taller person to make it make sense somehow.

True. Also, I learned this week that Star Wars does not happen in the future. It happens in the past. That was one of the wildest realizations.

And like, people on Twitter, I feel like were upset with us on that one and going crazy in the comments on that. Like, how do you not know or something? But it was like, I'm not kidding. I've watched as many of these movies as anyone. I did not know that. No, I thought it was the future.

We're flying in space. There, I thought it was the future. We're flying in space. There's technology we don't have today. Yeah. So I was like, oh, definitely the future. And then someone literally just screenshot that beginning thing that's like in a galaxy far, far away in a time long ago. And I was like, it broke my brain.

I almost started crying. I was like, when will i ever understand anything that's happening in these movies never i mean we've we've like been talking about them in depth and we never got to the fact that they're in the past i'm like i don't know and that is like the first thing you see is like where and when it takes place far away and long ago yeah but i think what happens is i see that but but then I'm like, uh-oh, I have to like gear up and start reading because that crawl is going to start. And I got to make sure I get all those words that don't ever make sense. Yeah, yeah.

I read them out loud and I'm still like, what? Oh, absolutely. It's just kind of like, I don't know. The who's fighting what? Because then that's not even part of the movie you really see you're just like oh this is kind of yes what what's happening yeah it's very confusing yeah it's almost as if like you go to a restaurant and before you get your meal you get a tour of the kitchen where they're making another table's meal and they describe it in depth and then you don't get to

eat that because it's for a different table yeah yeah they're like we make all types of fish and beautiful arrays here at this restaurant here's a hamburger i don't follow it's very confusing should we read oh yeah yes before we do that i want to ask betsy have you ever read fan fiction or written no i haven't and i i haven't read and this is the first fan fiction i've written uh it was very fun i haven't read any though this will be my first time ever i have a feeling it gets pretty uh horny right like that's a lot of fan fiction is It's just like, oh, and then, like, what if C-3PO fucking 69'd

R2-D2 and they both shot a bunch of fucking bolts or whatever. Shot a bunch of bolts. Our experience with the first episode we did of this, we came into this, both Nicole and I thinking it is 100% only sexual. And then Madeline wrote this like beautiful piece about like life and the meaning of everything.

And I was like, oh, it could also be good. We learned that there is like sexy horny fan fiction. There's fan fiction where you put yourself in the universe and then whoa i think there's another one but i don't remember yeah there are other versions but there's i feel like there's also like the youthful version where like the characters but they're young oh and then you can like cross universes okay like put star trek and Star Wars together. Have Captain Picard, you know, go down on Hans. You know. Fuck yeah, man.

I'd read that. That's like Roger Rabbit version where it's like characters from like two different universes like hanging out. That would be such a cool movie to watch. Yeah. And it's kind of like West Side Story where they like hate each other. But then, yeah, like Han Solo and the one dude you said fall in love. Okay, we made it.

We did it. Okay, let's read a little bit of fan fiction that was found on the internet. Oh, yeah. Okay, and just a heads up, this episode is not safe for work, even if you're working at home. This is not a listen to it on speaker while your child walks around type of episode.

It's going to be very explicit. And we're going to say some offensive language. OK, so just strap in and get excited. This one is called If It Weren't for the Falcon by Ray Lolove44. Summary, Kylo Ren is left distraught over Ray leaving on the Falcon. Will he turn to the light just to get her back okay oh shit all night kylo ren tossed and turned in his sleep after hours of trying to get rest he finally sat up in bed and placed his head in his hands he replayed what

happened the night before in his mind over and over again, but still was puzzled. Ray had wanted to take his hand. She was going to take his hand. Had it not been for the Millennium Falcon showing up, Ray would be at his side right now. He shook his head and tried to subdue the anger he felt for that ship. She was going to join me. I was so close to having her, he thought to himself.

Brushing his hair out of his face, he swung his legs out of the bed, flinching slightly as his bare feet contacted the cold floor below. Kylo was about to stand up when he heard a soft sigh behind him. He froze, gripping the edge of the bed tightly. Turning slowly, he looked over his shoulder. His heart began to race as he saw Rey sleeping in his bed. Wow, he didn't fucking notice her in the bed? She looked so peaceful.

And Kylo tried to shake himself to see if he was seeing her, only because he hadn't gotten any sleep. But he couldn't help but be comforted by her presence. He always was. Rey was the only person in the whole galaxy who saw him for who he for who he was without trying to wake her kylo reached out with the force to see into her mind he hadn't tried this in a long this is so funny just wake her ass up it's a good it's a good trick though to just use the force yeah i guess and then you're like oh i have all the answers i never need to speak

to anyone again yeah he hadn't tried this in a long time because she was able to resist him, which always amazed him. Reaching into her mind, he closed his eyes to help himself focus only on her. A small smile started to pull at Kylo's lips as he saw himself inside Rey's thoughts. She was thinking of him. He was thrilled at this discovery and carefully pushed further into her thoughts, not wanting to wake her. Kylo saw himself wrapped up in her embrace and she was running her fingers through his hair. It was so tender, so sweet. Kylo let his smile grow across his face and closed his eyes, letting Ray's thoughts flood through him. He always felt so calm, but with her, this was more than he can handle.

For the first time in a long time, he was at peace. Kylo never wanted this feeling to end. Everything just felt right in that moment. Unfortunately, this feeling didn't last long. Kylo was pushed out of her mind and came face to face with Ray. They sat on his bed, staring at each other,

their faces just centimeters apart. No words were spoken. Ray staring at each other, their faces just centimeters apart, no words were spoken. Ray stared at Kylo, not in fear or anger, but wonder. They had been this close before, but not like this. Kylo had to resist every urge to pull Ray close and kiss her with everything he has. His love for her was unlike anything he had felt for anyone, and he so desperately wanted to share it with her and to find out that ray also thought that about him it was too much for him oh this is long okay uh ray continued gazing at kylo and slowly reached a hand towards his face she let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding in as she watched him nuzzle his cheek into her hand he closed his eyes and placed his large hand over hers, sighing out of context.

Ray had never seen this man so peaceful before and realized why. The man sitting before her was Ben Solo. Her Ben that she had been trying to reach for so long. A smile spread across her face. Ben, she whispered. Her smile mirrored his face. Ray leaned forward and pressed his lips against his softly for just a moment. She started to pull back slowly, but was stopped when she felt his lips against hers. Singing into their kiss, Ray felt his hand cup her cheek, and she sighed into the kiss. They both pulled back and looked at each other. Ray smiled and watched as a big

grin spread across Ben's face. But before they could lean in to kiss each other again, their connection abruptly ended when Ben was left alone on his bed. His hand slid down from where it was resting on Ray's cheek, and it clenched into a fist. If only we had more time, he thought to

himself. He would have to wait until the force connected them again in order to tell her how much he thought to himself. He would have to wait until the force connected them again in order to tell her how much she meant to him. In the meantime, he would have to keep running things for the First Order as to not arouse suspicion from General Pride, General Hux, or even the Emperor himself. Ben quickly dressed himself and walked out of his quarters, leaving his mask behind.

He would no longer be needing it. That was cute. That was nice. It was so sweet it was very sweet who okay i did see the last movie that happened aren't they related or no no no okay there's a horny element that exists between them and yes i can't fully explain i mean she okay here's i guess this is a good test for us to try to explain that and i don't know if i can but she was like she found out that she had jedi powers that she was a jedi yes but she didn't know and so that's the connection that they have is just that she's this other person who could be a force that could take him down essentially or work with him okay was shocked by that is that true is that right

does that feel good yeah i think so and for whatever reason ray was like drawn to hans so she hans is gonna like take her under kylo or you mean luke you mean like hans because luke remember when kylo kills hans she's like no because they had met before and hans is like i like you kid or whatever oh so she was drawn to that family okay for some reason i don't and it made you believe that maybe they were brother and sister but then you find out later that her parents don't matter or something. Yeah, and they died, right? Like, she, like, watched them. Yeah, right?

Yes. Yeah, okay, well, you know, still confused. Okay, so that one was very sweet, but the thing is, I was wishing for more sex in it. Me too, me too. You left us blue-balled, man. Yeah, if you're gonna go horny, go full horny. I know. Does anyone want to read theirs, or should I read, or. If you're going to go horny, go full horny. I know. Does anyone want to read theirs or should I read or how do you want to do it?

Lauren, yeah, you read yours. Yes. Okay. This one is called A Cozy Bed to Rest. Perfect. Okay. We glide over a vast peach-colored land. As we reach the end of the beach,

we see that it is not a beach at all. We were just super zoomed in on Kylo Ren's naked chest. Woo! Rey snuggles up in his deep, musky armpits. That was great. No, seriously, she murmurs into him. Yeah, it was, he replies out of breath. In fact, I think I could go for round one. What do you mean round one? We just had sex three times, Ray says. Well, I count in a really weird way. Some people even say it's evil. I start with four,

then go to five and six, and then I go one, two, three, then seven, eight, nine. Does that make sense? Ray grumbles flirtily. That's actually super confusing, but whatever. Kylo's green lightsaber radiates beneath the dusty brown sheets and gets ready to rock and roll. Just then, BB-8 rolls in needily like a dog.

Bloop! BB, fuck off! Kylo barks. Kylo, Ray shrieks. Jesus, be cool. Hey, Bebe 8, what do you need? She laughs. He just wants a snack, Kylo. Well, give him one of those shitty quarter portions. Ray gently slides Bebe 8 a black cube of food. Gleeful, he zips out of the room. Ray sits up. Hey, look, man, I don't know if this is working. My dick? Kylo asks. Just give it a second. The droid kind of took the wind out of my sails. No, not your dick. I mean us. I'm actually really strong, really cool, and a full-on Jedi. I deserve better than your rude-ass attitude. Kylo turns. His face gets serious, but there is a light behind his Jedi. I deserve better than your rude-ass attitude. Kylo turns.

His face gets serious, but there is a light behind his eyes. He rolls over and grabs Rey. She disappears under his expansive chest. I love when you call out what an asshole I am. His nipples stiffen. They make passionate love, their screams growing louder and louder until they are suddenly interrupted by a knock at the door.

Kylo pauses mid-thrust. Uh, come in? That's what she said, Ray giggle whispers. The door zhooshes open and General Hux, played by Donald Gleeson, strides in. Mind if I jump in? Kylo and Ray turn and look at him. His face reddens. Oops, wrong room!

He closes the door and breathes an exasperated sigh. That was hot, he thinks a second longer. I mean, awkward, he means hot. He walks one door down and knocks. Come in, a gleeful voice shouts from the other side of the door. General Hux opens to see a shirtless Luke Skywalker on all fours in front of one of those fucked up dinosaurs. He is slurping and sucking at the teeth, beckoning the general to join him.

Jeez, you couldn't wait for me? General Hux exclaims as he takes off his weird long jacket and undershirt. Hey, sorry, I just got so excited. Luke garbles through a mouthful of greenish blue milkish sludge. General Hux gets on his knees and pathetically crawls over to the scene of the crime. Let me in there, he says familiarly. Luke wipes his mouth and puts his arm around Hux. I'm so glad we can do this together. And he means it. The two suck the life out of the beach dragon

and put their arms around each other, satisfied with another job well done. Emergency! Two spastic C-3PO's bust in, shouting in sync with one another. One is a shimmering metallic green and one is a less exotic metallic blue, but both have the same callous, unblinking golden eyes.

Yes, they're both named C-3PO, but they should really be named 2BFF because they are best friends. Luke and General Hux are caught off guard. They scramble to put their shirts back on. Hux also grabs a random hat that I guess was in the room already and fastens it atop his lifeless red hair. What do you guys need? What's the emergency? Hux spits. Well, just tell us, Luke begs. The emergency is... The blue C-3PO looks around, his mouth lights up,

and he winks meaninglessly at the redhead. It's not sexy enough in here. As if on cue, the blue guy gets down on his knees and the green guy sits on a futuristic but from the past stool. The blue one starts blowing the metal mound of the green one performatively. Luke and Hux glance at each other and share a smile. Luke yells, yo, BB-8. BB-8 desperately rushes in.

BB-8, BB-8, BB-8. He opines. Everyone laughs. Go knock on the next door over. BB-8 dutifully rushes out, and within seconds, Kylo Ren and Rey stumble into the room, messily grasping each other, clothes and hair askew. What's the emergency, Rey says in a panic.

Watch and learn, Luke says with authority. He and Hux start to touch each other with deep passion as the C-3PO's keep robotically at it. Kylo and Rey catch on very quickly. They start to kiss and lose their balance, falling onto the busy metallic men. As a group, seeking greater comfort, Luke Skywalker, General Hux, though after this escapade he insisted everyone call him General Cux, Ray, Kylo Ren, Green C-3PO, and the less exotic Blue C-3PO lay on the warm bed that is the dinosaurs' enveloping, unbreathing body. They have sex for hours and hours and fall asleep. A long time after, Ray wakes up with a start.

Is this dinosaur thing dead? Wait, was that what we slept on? No, guys, seriously, everyone wake up. This is kind of fucked up. Are these C-3PO's related? What's happening? All of the men continue to smile through this panicked monologue drifting along in their dreams. No, wait, guys, seriously, guys, wake up. I feel sick. BB-8 laughs, then in a sudden panic rolls out of the room. A cool 1970s wipe erases the scene. Three wampas emerge from an icy cave. They growl and grab each other's asses.

But that's a story for another day. The beginning. Oh! Oh! The beginning! The beginning! Oh, man. Also, Lauren, our stories are very similar.

Oh, my God. That's so funny. Very, very similar. Oh, my God. That was incredible, Lauren. It was so good. Thank you. Thank you. That was very, very fun.

I saw everything. Kylo Ren counting out of order really got me. That was so funny. Some say it's evil. I count evil. Oh my God. That was very fun to write. It's funny how it flows out of you, you know? Yeah. It really is easy to

just be like, oh shit, I could keep going. I know what's going to happen next. Yeah. I was like, I can't write anything I need to write, but when it comes to Star Wars fan fiction, I'm like, uh know what's going to happen next. Yeah. Yeah. Where it's like, I can't write anything I need to write. But when it comes to Star Wars fan fiction, I'm like, I could go all day. I have like all these ideas for scripts. I'm like, this one just flew right out. I mean, it's useless.

It was so funny, though. Thank you. Betsy, do you want to read the next one from that we got online? Oh, sure This one is called Star Wars The Deceived by Darth Vissium The wind rushed harshly as speeders and very large ships hovered through the brightly colored city of Coruscant The emperor and his apprentice gazed amongst the crime-ridden streets and backed up traffic lanes. They had done it. After years of exile, the Sith ruled the galaxy. Everything is

as I've foreseen it, my friend. The Jedi are no more and the Sith are all powerful, he cackled lightly shortly after. Vader, still recovering from the duel on Mustafar, months earlier complimented the achievements of his master. Everything you have foreseen is as you have willed it to be, my master. The Emperor shrugged off the compliment, knowing that Vader still contained hate for him but would not unleash it. This is merely the beginning of our great reign. Soon all will bend to the will of the empire. Shortly after, the holophone on the desk began beeping. Sidious pressed a button and a voice began to speak. Lord Sidious, you have a guest

who is anxious to visit you. Sidious, baffled at the statement, agreed to the visit. Shortly after, the main doors opened and two stormtroopers escorted a tall specimen inside. Upon further viewing, Sidious spoke to himself. It can't be. Oh, God. Hello, Pappy. Mesa's so happy to see you, Jar Jar shrieked with annoyance. The room had gone completely silent except for the troopers who could barely maintain their bearing. Vader, also surprised, was probably chuckling away under his mask as well. Jar Jar, what do you think you're doing here,

Sidious said sternly. Me's a-comin' to congratulate the Numbumbod Empire, he said with excitement. Palpatine was slightly amused by the fact that Jar Jar was still gullible as ever, but nonetheless he revealed himself. Yes, the great empire that you helped create, manipulating you to give me emergency powers was merely a simple task. After this

statement was made by Sidious, the mood in the room changed, almost as if the dark side of the force had engulfed the room completely. Mesa, no use of manipulate me, Jar Jar said with sadness while looking down, but Mesa has a question. Sidious, offering some mercy before deciding to execute Jar Jar, agreed to answer. And what might that be, my amphibious friend? Jar Jar then looked up at Palpatine, but something was different. His eyes were fixed and displayed anger and hatred. What are you doing in me chair?

Then with one swift move, Sidious was pulled out of his seat towards Binx. Jar Jar without hesitation stabbed the Sith Lord in the abdomen with a bright red saber and let him topple to the floor. The two troopers reacted quickly and fired their blasters at the Gungan. He deflected the bolts with ease and then used the force to push the troops against the wall into each other, causing them to go unconscious. Vader was lost. Everything happened so quickly and so many emotions flashed through his mind. He was angry and somewhat mournful, but relief conquered his feelings the most.

Jar Jar, known as Darth Amphibia, towered over Sidious' corpse and removed the black cloak from his person. Mesa thinks you won't be needing this. He threw on the oversized robe and walked towards the chair. He eyed Vader in the process, who still stood there frozen. Jar Jar, Vader said confused. I don't understand this. Me's the new emperor now, and I am you, you's new master. Jar Jar stared out of the window with his hands behind his back. Vader moved behind him and reached for his saber. Bad move, Jar Jar stated as he lifted his hand and began to strip Lord Vader of oxygen. Mesa think, uh, wait, Mesa thinking you's, uh, overreacting. You's, uh, have lots of anger. Very good, but you's, uh, still weak,

Jar Jar says as he drops Vader. Palpy was merely a pawn in this plan. Miza will teach you the ways of the true dark side of the force with abilities no mere mortal can handle. Vader, still confused, kneeled before the new emperor. Yes, my master, he said with delay and confusion. Jar Jar turns his head slightly and with a crooked smile says, good, Yuzha has a lot to learn, little Annie. Oh my God.

Jar Jar. I loved you having to read that. That was so funny. Jar Jar Binks. That was amazing. I love that Jar Jar, you know, got his own in the end. He's now evil. He's the new lord.

Because Jar Jar deserves that, you know, respect. Right. Very true. I want to know, Nicole, if Jar Jar plays a role in your fan fiction. But should I be surprised? Well, here's the thing. I wrote two fan fiction. But should I be surprised? Well, here's the thing. I wrote two fan fiction stories. And one has Jar Jar and one does not.

Oh. Are you going to read them both or is one just for your personal? Oh, no. I'm going to read them both. Oh, good. One is very short. Okay, we need to take a quick break

and we will be right back with Nicole's fan fiction. Oh. And we will be right back with Nicole's fan fiction. If you're wondering what a NordVPN is, I'll tell you. VPN stands for Virtual Private Network, a service that protects your internet connection and online privacy. A VPN creates an encrypted tunnel for your data, protect your online identity by hiding your IP address, and allow you to use public Wi-Fi hotspots safely. I'm using a Nord VPN myself. And honestly, it's very easy to use. You connect with one click to enable auto-connect for zero-click protection.

It has amazing speed. Nord VPN is one of the fastest VPNs out there, and it supports every major platform. Windows, Android, iOS, Linux, even Android TV. You can switch your virtual location to access apps and websites in other countries. Get an exclusive Nord VPN deal here at nordvpn.com slash newcomers. N-O-R-D VPN dot com slash newcomers. It's risk-free with Nord's 30-day money--P-N dot com slash newcomers. It's risk free with Nord's 30 day money back guarantee. Link is in the episode description. So my first story is called A Tale of Three Fucks.

My second story is called A Tale of One Fuck. OK, we open on Finn and Poe drinking a beer laughing. They're in a fun cantina of sorts that also features some burlesque dancers. Even though Poe and Finn are surrounded by women, they only have eyes for each other. Leaning in to loudly whisper things to one another. They have to loudly whisper because music is playing and stuff. Okay, as they whisper, a six-headed magenta woman with 18 titties

comes over to their table and asks if they want to lap dance. Both boys politely decline. Wipe two. I'm using Star Wars-isms. Okay, we wipe two. Love it. Kylo Ren in his weird dark bedroom with no bed, but like lots of weird lights and maybe some gym equipment in the background. It's a bedroom fit for an aspiring evil man. Kylo is shirtless and wearing some cute patent leather pants as an homage to his hero, old Darthy. Kylo looks at the

old melted helmet and says out loud, Daddy Darth, do you like my patent leather pants? I wore them for you. The melted helmet makes a sound like, it doesn't talk back because darth is dead and shit oh daddy darth i'm just so horny again the helmet makes a weird noise so kylo squats hard and closes his eyes and scrunches up his face and now he's making a weird noise. Eeyowie, eeyowie, eeyowie, eeyowie! We see Ray walking around in the dark,

muttering to herself. She's like, what the fuck is the force and why won't Luke stop drinking that nasty green milk from the teat of that thing? In the background, Luke is sucking the last drop of that green milk and he's begging for more.

Ray stops in her tracks because she hears a faint sound of eeyowie and she says out loud, Kylo? Kylo is back in his bedroom, happy that the use of the force to get some pussy worked. He's all like, yeah, Ray, it's me, Kylo. Ray's like, yeah, dude, I know it's you. I hear your voice.

Kylo is like, okay, I'm going to like send you my hand. Can you see my hand? So Kylo has extended his hand to her via the force, and it appears on the planet that she's on. Rey gasps and runs behind a tree to hide from Luke, who's guzzling green milk. Rey whispers, I can see your hand. Kylo deeply inhales, and his torso grows even wider

than the wide width it already is. Wipe two. Poe and Finn, who are enjoying gazing into each other's eyes more than the dancers around, and Poe says to Finn, want to get out of here? Finn nods emphatically. They rush out of the cantina and race around the corner. Poe brushes Finn's hand, and Finn giggles and pushes an imaginary strand of hair behind his ear. Poe stops in his tracks and spins around and kisses Finn.

Finn giggles again and then they make out to full deep kisses. Right back to Kylo. He's very swollen. He's swollen into, wait. He's swollen very wide. Okay. He looks like Kanye West in that video. You remember where he wore that big shirt if you don't

remember that kylo looks like a piece of paper with a head and legs attached kylo is kylo trying to get ray's shirt off with his hand through the force but he's having trouble because she's got like crisscross fabrics in the front so finally ray just pulls it off and is saying they're full tittied out and luke is still sucking that green milk. Kylo bellows are you ready for the Darth dick? Rey says is foreplay done? Kylo says yeah apparently we're in the past so I don't care about you.

Rey says okay fine and then through the forest his big wide dick slides right through and into Rey and she withers around like Jesse Spano in Showgirls. At the same time Poe looks into Finn's eyes and says are you ready for some yummy

yum dick? Finn giggles uh huh. Poe spins Finn around seven times and by the seventh time Finn's pants are gone. Not off they're just not there and he giggles and says wow you pilot those right off of me.

Poe says, yeah, I guess that makes sense. And then they fuck up against the wall and it's hot and they both come quick. But it's OK because they're so horny for each other. So back to Kylo and Ren. They finish. Kylo says, did you come? Rey says, yeah, it was great. Kylo's like, oh, my God, you didn't come.

And Rey's like, I i mean you're like evil and stuff and like i did come but then i was just like you're evil i don't know about this i shouldn't have done this kylo's like wow fuck this and he shuts off the force connection ray is unbothered and walks home kylo leaves his bedroom and general hucks is standing right outside the door and kylo pulls him in and then they fuck. Luke is still chugging green milk. So that's the end of that one. I love that.

We had so much crossover. It's amazing. So much. It's kind of wild. Here's the second one. Okay. I, Nicole Byer, am lying in my bed. I hear a rustle in my room.

I open my eyes and Jar Jar Binks is there. Before anyone says anything, his huge orangey red dick is deep inside one of my holes. Which one? Reader's choice. I truly cannot believe how much crossover we had in our story. Oh, that was the end of that one?

That was the end. Oh, yeah, that was... That was perfect. You should do a sexual choose-your-own-adventure with you and Jar Jar Binks. Yes. That's really good. Maybe I will, and I'll put it on OnlyFans' page.

Oh, do it. Make some money. And then you can post your stripping videos, your strip dances with all Star Wars underwear and stuff on, like we were discussing last time. It'd be a very niche OnlyFans. I feel like strip dancing, I mean pole dancing. Why did I say strip dancing?

Strip dance, pole dance, whatever. I don't think anyone's ever called it that. You and your strip dancing, I mean pole dancing. Why did I say strip dancing? Strip dance, pole dance, whatever. I don't think anyone's ever called it that. You and your strip dancing. You keep going to them strip dancing clubs. You keep dancing. I don't know how I feel about that. Mine is entitled Encino Wookie. Okay.

After all the stuff that happened in Star Wars, Chewbacca, or Chewie as he liked to be called, decided to go on an awesome ski vacation on that one snowy planet. I don't know what it's called. That's right. They have really rad mountains on it, and it's the planet where Han Solo slept in an animal. We know that one. So Chewie is having a damn blast. He's getting fresh tracks every day, eating and drinking the best shit and of course scoring with all the hottest babes. He had a threesome in a hot tub with whatever a Jar Jar Binks is and a droid who's only programmed to suck dick.

and a droid who's only programmed to suck dick. Well, after the threesome, the snow began to fall as Chewie made his way back to his hotel. Suddenly, the wind picked up. The snow is blowing. Chewie has no idea where he is. He's trudging through knee-high snow, and that's really fucking high because Chewie is tall as shit. He cries out in one of his roars.

Then suddenly, an avalanche happens. And this avalanche is bad. It shakes the whole damn planet, and Chewie gets trapped in a big ice block, which breaks off and goes shooting off into space. Suddenly, Chewie sees light, the first

time in what feels like a lifetime. He feels cold. What the fuck? He barks. Oh yeah, what the fuck he barks. Just then, a huge crack sound and he goes crashing to the floor. He struggles to stand up and get his bearings straight. Finally, he's looking around. He's in a place that reminds him of a garage where you store a spaceship, but he only sees a spaceship with wheels on it and the letters V-O-L-V-O? R? He says out loud. Hey, someone shouts.

Chewy whirls around and knocks over what looks like space boxes. He stops and looks to see an adolescent human looking at him. This teenager looked like a wiener, like a loser, like no one likes him, Chewy thought. My name is Dave. You're in Southern California. Encino to be exact. The year is 1992.

I'm a senior in high school and I'm not very popular. So I started to dig a pool in my backyard with the hopes of becoming super popular and dating the one girl I'm into. And while I was digging into my pool, I found you frozen in a lump of ice. And then I thawed you out and you're my new ticket to popularity. Come on, we're late for school. Before Chewie could growl a response, he was in that spaceship with wheels and pulling into Encino High. You're going to help me become the coolest kid in the entire world.

You see, everyone hates me because I stink like shit and I like to call in bomb threats to the school. Chewy didn't understand. He just got a vibe that this kid sucked. They make their way into the high school and everyone is already loving Chewy didn't understand. He just got a vibe that this kid sucked. They make their way into the high school and everyone is already loving Chewy. He's made friends with every type of kid. The nerds playing magic, the people singing choir, the art weirdos, the drama kids, the jocks, and of course the babes. He looks like a tall fur coat. And that turns me on, says one babe Totally sexy, I bet he would rip me apart going down on me

But why is he hanging out with that dork, says another babe Who cares, let's just give him a handjob And if his dick fits his size We're gonna need all four of our hands I don't get it, David cried in the lunchroom as Chewy and the rest of the school looked on. You've already been cast as the lead in Grease. You're the QB for the football team and football isn't even happening right now.

You got nominated for prom king and you hooked up with all the babes and we've only been in school for like three hours. Why don't people like me as much? Is it because when I laugh too hard, I puke and shit my pants at the same time? Or is it because I push old people downstairs for fun? What is it? David started freaking out. All the students were scared of him because they all remember in fifth grade when he freaked out and bit the ear off the principal.

So they start to back away. Just as Chewie steps forward, everyone has stopped what they're doing and watch the gentle giant they all love approach the stupid idiot they all hate. Says Chewie in a calming tone. Then he slowly embraces David. David is crying like a little baby and Chewie continues to hold him in his arms. All the students are watching in awe. Then, crack! Chewie snaps David's back and raises his limp, dead body above his head and gives a classic Chewbacca roar. The students go nuts. The teachers pop champagne.

David's parents, who are there for some reason, set off fireworks and celebrate. Chewy, Chewy, Chewy, they all chant as Chewbacca throws David's body out the window. Chewy, Chewy, Chewy. And there stands Chewy, surrounded by all the babes and students and adults. surrounded by all the babes and students and adults. He has found a new home, a new life in a new galaxy far, far away. The end.

Oh. I loved it. That was a movie. That was beautiful. That was brilliant. Thank you so much. Wait, is- Thank you. David from Encino Man,

is that Pauly Shore's character or the other one? The other one. Sean Astin. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I forgot that's who that was in that movie.

Yeah. Well, that was amazing. I loved that. Thank you. What I love about one thing I really love about all of our stories is that we just would go like and then he's there for some reason. Or like, we just like. Oh, yeah. Go to the bathroom.

I don't know why. He's there, whatever. He's there, don't worry. They're there, who gives a shit? Doesn't matter. It was fun though. I was like, it got to the point where I was just like, oh, fuck, I could write like a 10 page story

of just hitting all of the beats of like Encino Man, but with Chewbacca. Yeah, I think it's a testament to the franchise that those characters are very easy to just like work with and pluck into another situation. And yeah, it's fun. Oh, yeah. Well, I think we're coming to the close of our show today. Betsy, is there anything you would like to plug while you're here? Oh, sure. Yeah.

I'm on a cartoon on Fox called Duncanville. It starts up again this Sunday. I don't know when this will air, but it's on Sundays after The Simpsons. So check it out. Yeah, it's unbelievable. It's a dream come true I can't even believe it you're great on it your character looks like you yeah I know so cute looks exactly like when I went to the first table read I was like oh shit and I I was like wearing a two-tone hoodie and everything I was like whoa, whoa. That's amazing.

That is so cool. Yeah, it's really insane. It's so fun. I feel like being on a show with like Simpsons right before it is a dream come true. And then your character looks like you. So it's like everyone who knows you knows that's you.

Like in animation, like someone could easily go, I didn't know if she did that. I didn't realize that was her. And then it's like, no, that's Betsy. There's no question about it. Even your hair, realize that was her. And then it's like, no, that's Betsy. There's no question about it. Even your hair, it's truly perfect. Yeah, it's like spot, it really,

it's such a dream come true. Cause like growing up, I was, The Simpsons is my favorite show. And just, I could have never imagined getting to be on the night as The Simpsons and then exactly like, whoa, a cartoon of me pretty much. It's so nuts.

Yeah. And the cast is so amazing on that show. It's like so many. Unbelievable. Amy Poehler, Ty Burrell, Rashida Jones. It's surreal. It's so crazy. Well, everyone should watch that.

And you have you have your podcast. I have some podcasts on one is on HeadGum called Funny Feeling where me and Marcy Jarrow, we talk to friends about scary paranormal experiences they've had. And we read and listen to a lot of listeners stories, and it's really fun. And then Mano Agapian and I, we have a Patreon called We Love Trash, where we just talk about all the trash we love and just do kind of whatever we want. The last movie you did is one of my favorite movies, Acrimony. Acrimony.

Tyler Perry's Acrimony is maybe the funniest movie I've ever seen. Okay, I need to watch that. Lauren, oh my God, you guys should do a watch. It's so funny. Okay, that's a good idea. Yeah, do a watch. And don't watch it before, like,

I want to hear you being blown away. Okay, I want to see it. There are so many moments. It's incredible. I'll give you one spoiler. Someone driving a Jeep knocks over a whole trailer while the person's in the trailer and nobody has any real reactions.

It's just like a thing that happens. Yeah. And that's not even me giving away the wildest stuff that happens in the movie. That's perfect. Not at all. That, that not, it is so great. They shot it in like eight days.

You could tell. It's awesome awesome that's hilarious lauren what would you like to promote um i would like to promote my patreon patreon.com slash lauren lapkus and i've been uploading a lot since we've been um on our quarantine time so there's a lot of stuff going on up there. Improv, and I'm doing a lot of watch-alongs with my husband, Mike, where we put on random movies and stuff, and you can sync us up with the movie.

We did some for Star Wars, so if you're curious about that, you can check that out. And I'm recurring on Good Girls, which is airing on Sundays on NBC. And that was a very fun job, so I'm really excited about it. And I have a movie coming out on Netflix May 13th called The Wrong Missy, So I'm really excited about it. And I have a movie coming out on Netflix May 13th

called The Wrong Missy. And I'm very excited about that. Ooh, I can't wait to see that. Oh my God, I can't wait. It's wild. Yeah. But yeah, what about you, Nicole? What do you want to plug?

Oh boy, well, I have so many podcasts because I can't leave home. There's Why Won't You Date Me? Best Friends with Sashir Zameda. There's 90 Day Bae, which is on Patreon with sashir zameda there's 90 day bay which is on patreon with marcy jarrow where we watch 90 day fiance and talk about those insane people drag her with mano agapian where we uh just talk about rupaul's drag race also nailed it season four is currently streaming on netflix it's so good i was watching it it's so good i was watching it last night it's so fucking

funny it's so funny that dude larry i love that dude larry i don't know if you remember but uh i will remember larry for forever um they cut out i like i don't watch myself often but i was like i gotta watch that episode because i loved larry And they cut out how long I went on about his sloth cake because it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen. Oh, that guy. Yes. And he had such a round face and a big smile. And then his cake, I couldn't stop laughing.

I love Larry. Unbelievable. So funny. Oh, wait. I'm going to read a five star review. So if you leave us a five star review, we'll read it. Oh, yeah. Five Star Wars segment. OK, so this says the perfect companion podcast by Megan Megan Burke with schools closed.

I've been upset. I've been watching the whole. Oh my God. I can't read anymore with schools closed. We've been watching the whole cannon with our five-year-old daughter. Who's obsessed. Even though she made me years of therapy after she overheard Nicole say, Kylo should have said his dick through the force. I'm still giving it five stars. Oh my God. Yeah.

No one who's a child should be listening to this. That's hilarious. Yeah. So if who's a child should be listening to this. That's hilarious. Yeah, so if you guys are fans of the show, you want to leave us a five-star review, you could leave a comment that pitches some Star Wars fanfic pairing you would like to see or tell us how Star Wars has affected your life. You can write anything in there

and we'll read it out loud. So please do that. And thank you to Megan Burke who left that one for us. And thank you to Betsy Sedaro for joining us today. Thanks for having me. It was such a blast. You're the best. Thank you so much. I miss you guys. I miss you guys. I miss seeing people in person. I know actually last night I was like thinking about doing this podcast and I was imagining going to HeadGum and then I was like, Oh no, I don't go outside. Yeah.

We don't leave. We never, we stay here. We stay in here now. We're here till, till March 5th or no, no March is done till May 15th. I think it's going to be longer,

but that's just my prediction for everyone out there. I, I think so too, especially, I mean, we don't have to get into it, but with States just doing whatever the fuck. Especially, I mean, we don't have to get into it on the podcast, but with states just doing whatever the fuck they want, it's so confusing.

Whatever. We don't have to talk about it. We don't need to talk about it. We don't have to talk about it. We'll just let it go. We'll let it go. Okay. Well, thanks, Betsy.

You're the best. And we'll see you soon. Thanks, everyone. Bye-bye. that was a hate gum podcast