Newcomers: Scorsese, with Nicole Byer and Lauren Lapkus - The Battle of the Five Armies - Watchalong (Pt. 2/2)

Episode Date: March 2, 2021

Join Lauren Lapkus and her quarantine buddy/husband Mike Castle on part 2 of their watchalong of The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. Like the show? Rate Newcomers 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Newcomers via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey guys, Lauren Lapkus here. What you're about to experience is a watch-along to one of the many Lord of the Rings movies I watched for the first time for newcomers. I watched them all with my quarantine buddy, also known as my husband Mike Castle, and we recorded our thoughts and you can sync us up to the movie and it's like we're all hanging out. If you want more fun watch-alongs like Blank Check and A Walk to Remember, a goofy movie we've done a bunch, or some improv with all my funny friends, check out my Patreon at patreon.com slash Lauren Lapkus. Enjoy! slap time slap time

slap time with Lauren Lapkus alright so it's been 8 hours and the guy stopped leaf blowing and wow did he really put a lot of dust in the air you guys it was unbelievable it was a pure dust storm out there he came up onto the porch he was blowing dust around

up there he went into the driveway blew pure dust storm out there. He came up onto the porch. He was blowing dust around up there. He went into the driveway, blew some dust around down there. Then he went over to his place and then was blowing dust around over there. And then by the way, eight hours later, I just have to make it clear. This is someone who our landlord has hired. It's not he and he lives next door and it's not someone we hire. And then we bitch about how they're doing this. We don't have any control over this app.

And also there is so little yard and so little yard work to be done. It's, it's insane that he spends so much time doing it's crazy. But I have worked in this, in, in lawn care and it is, it does not take two and a half hours to do less than like 20 square feet. Yeah.

So anyway, we're back to Lord of the Rings. And I guess it was kind of good to have a few hour break. I didn't want to be cut off so early because now we still have two hours left of the movie. So we're going to hop back in. We're at 4443 on the movie. If you want to sync it up with us. 4443. Nope. 4444. Nope, 44-44.

Okay. Hit play. Well, you're not going to give a countdown? No, I'm saying... Or that you're telling them. No, no, no. I'm sorry, y'all. Give a countdown.

I was looking to Lauren. She was on her phone and I was trying to give her that look of like, please don't do any phone stuff during the next hour. I'm not. I just had to solidify something that was being dropped off. off toss that thing on a do not disturb and throw it out of throw it over there out of reach stop it's gone i can't be here watching it alone i can't i have to watch it hey man everyone will agree with me that you have missed essential parts of all these

movies and then you talk about it like for instance you guys on the return of the king one oh my god i said i said specifically oh i love pippin song right now and then we sit there and i go i had a high school teacher who played this during study hour and make all these points about it and then when they're recording the podcast someone goes pippin song lauren goes there was a song and i i went absolutely insane because it was in but then also when we're recording these i go hey you gotta keep watching she goes oh you can't tell me to watch them i go okay but you literally have to watch them and then you're gonna record the thing you're gonna not know all these obvious if you were just looking at it you would know these things so she's grounded up shut up okay here we go i do what i want one two three play

and for what it's worth it's a reason it's like it's it's actually um this is making me so angry listening to you come up with some bullshit because it's actually because actually i need to because on twitter what is happening on twitter uh i need to tweet what i was gonna say it's actually um realistic that i might miss some things when it's really long and yeah but it's it's like you're missing more than you're seeing is what it feels like i just i i have she's lying you guys go listen to that episode. No, but then I looked at the picture and I remembered. I don't know. Pippin was you fucking idiot. Okay.

There's one song. It's a lot of content. Guys, you're all on my side. I hope I'm sure no one will be. When we get to the podcast, I definitely want to know what's going on because you've been screaming at me the entire time. definitely want to know what's going on because you've been screaming at me the entire time are those the same guy it's like bad version of him he's like bad to the bone yeah it's like when gollum was talking to himself if you told me that was the same actor. I'd believe you. It's just a slightly different nose.

Which is also true of every Hobbit. So that could be fake. You mean every. Like the Hobbit characters all have fake noses. Oh you. That's not what you mean. You mean the dwarfs. Yes. I mixed them up

this is what I'm talking about you guys hey that's also a lot of info I've been calling them hobbits a while it's not great I don't know why is there a perfect like trying diamond to look through you know they were like stacking rocks and there's just a perfect looking it's weird a little bit i think thorneenshield is kind of a pussy that's the guy?

yeah the guy who's like tempted by the gold and the jewels yeah not for much longer he had subtitles on everyone he didn't know come on I like when Bilbo's hair is like this

it's like grown since earlier movies am I right? yeah it looks a little longer. What a moron. Why do you look around like that? Because he's so suspicious. He's a total hack. We just need to follow orders. this being part of his history is shocking to me

lee pace yeah i had no clue that he was in this world oh yeah you turn it down he's really good i'm a fan of ned from pushing daisies that's actually the only thing i know him from which is also part of what, like, of course, who cares that I don't know he's in this. I only know him one other thing. What other stuff has he been in? Um, let me think. He was in Guardians of the Galaxy Part 1.

He was in... Interesting. Hmm, let me... I don't know. He's so handsome. I can't remember. Yeah, that makes sense. sense oh Halt and Catch Fire an AMC show he was on wow so I really just would never cross paths with him but I loved Pushing Daisy

so it's kind of interesting that he had a little crossover onto like Network TV he was kind of one of those had a little crossover onto like network TV. Mm-hmm. He was kind of one of those guys I feel like after Pushing Daisies, he popped up in a lot of stuff for forever. Yeah. This has been another movie. Yes. Frodo wore that. Mithril.

It was that part when they're in the troll. When the cave troll like stabbed him. It's like just a t-shirt. Yeah. Yeah, he really does. He looks like he's

like a skater with like a long sleeve shirt under it totally yeah there would be like an alien face on the front he looks like the guy on uh married at first sight who wears that sleeping shirt oh my god is anyone out there watching married at first sight the new season on lifetime this it great. And there's a guy who sleeps in a gown. It's kind of fascinating. It really is. He wears like, he gets married at first sight on the show Married at First Sight. They just pair people up like a matchmaker

does it. And he, on his first night with his new bride, he puts on his... He's like, let's change into something more comfortable and then he comes out in a dress it looks like when you're a little kid you put on your dad's shirt yes i honestly i was gonna say that exact thing and i also don't and like she loved it in there like it's going great so whatever i guess great matchmaking yeah no no that matchmaking is unbelievably good you came into this room wearing a gigantic T-shirt only.

You would honestly you would just accept it because I have so many things like that that I do that I've just worn you down with. In the first night there together, he put his legs inside it. Like again, like a little kid inside a T-shirt. And there's something about that. But then she put on footie pajamas. Everyone really paused to picture that. Don't pause the movie. Don't pause the movie. to picture that. Don't pause the movie.

Don't pause the movie. But he wrapped up his legs so that he was just a little ball and a head on top with his brand new wife. But guess what she wore to bed? Giant footie pajamas and she didn't, like she wasn't phased at all. what a loser what did he just say to him

that he won't part with one single piece of gold what an asshole you're a fucking tool Mr. Mnuchin yeah I bet that really was benedict cumberbatch in the beginning that's like a fun yeah that seems totally right oh nice no the neighbors are screaming the neighbor kids scream as if it's the only way they talk i don't think i've ever heard them use their regular voices go we literally call it the screaming hour in this house one of us will always joke oh it's the screaming hour because i'll just start screaming endlessly

for like two hours at like 10 o'clock at night and we just recently got a rain sound machine and we've had to use our air purifier because the smoke in the air is so bad that we can't go outside whole normal stuff i guess they probably have stopped screaming but this also really makes a lot of white noise that will help us when they do scream I think.

What? Just laughing at what the world is now that we can't even go on a walk. Yeah I know. even go on a walk yeah i know it'd be cool if wizard hats came back into popular fashion i have thought if i had to get one piece of merch it would be that really yeah but i, but I mean, only for Halloween. I'm not going to walk around wearing that.

That's what I'm saying, though. I would like to come back in a fashion. If I wore that at Christmas with a big furry coat. They should have killed that guy when they had the chance. I know, just crush him. Thank you. Ah. even if you don't like it you gotta admit war is really cool. I couldn't understand war less. Yeah, man, same. I love when people are like, war's like chess.

And I'm like, no it's not. Chess is fun. People don't die when they play chess. Now what's in there? What's these fucking things? Now what's in there? Ugh. What's these fucking things? Gross little holes. Yeah, I love how perfectly round they are

um yuck you know what are we ever um seeing all those bats bats at the bridge in Austin? No. It's like a thing. No, I feel like when we were in Austin, someone had mentioned it, but no. I've never actually been there for it, and I don't really want to be. Yeah, I'm not super curious about that. I guess they all fly around your head and shit. I feel like the few times I've interacted with bats in my life, I didn't love it.

few times i've interacted with bats in my life i uh didn't love it i remember going to the brookfield zoo in chicago and there was a there's a bat cave there that you can walk through and all the bats are flying above your head and i was told by my camp counselor that if you threw keys up in the air the bat would catch it oh what a weird thing know. You can say that to kids because none of them have keys. And I never forgot. That's true. I couldn't test it out. Yeah. Maybe they would catch it, though.

I feel like that makes some sense with like echolocation and shit. Mm hmm. I feel like whenever I think of bats, I think of the white bat in uh ace ventura pet detective 2 when nature calls and then i subsequently think of him eating bat shit and going guano what does that mean i don't know some language for the shit i think guano oh oh but again i only know things because of what happens in movies and then i try and figure it out based on context clues. Yeah. I feel like if I smoked what was in Gandalf's pipe, I'd go insane.

I feel like Matt Rogers could do a good impression of what Lee Pace is doing. Oh, yeah, I agree. Matt's so handsome. Also, Brian Jordan Alvarez really could. I think you and I just think Brian Jordan Alvarez can basically do anything. Well, I do think that, but I also think he kind of looks like him now that I think about it. Yeah, yeah. And especially in this world

where you can make anyone who is not tall look tall. Is Lee Pace not tall? Oh, Brian Jordan Alvarez is tall. Yeah, Brian and Matt are both not tall. Although Matt's kind of, I feel like when I talk to him I don't think he's small. Matt's got to be as tall as me,

I think. Oh, okay. Those feet. That was pure slapstick comedy. Different wig it looks like for Bilbo today. Let me see. Well, it's more dirty. Okay. looks like for Bilbo today. Let me see. Well, it's more dirty. I actually think Brian Jordan Alvarez

would be so funny doing this. Yeah. I'm really curious how they're going to do SNL. With all the COVID of it all. Fortunately, nothing can affect its quality i actually really liked when they do those quarantine episodes at home i thought those were like some of the best well they really like helped highlight some of them like chloe heidi was really good yeah exactly They're both perfect for that exact format. In fact, Mikey Day was making me laugh as well.

I feel like everyone had really funny stuff because they got to have control in that way. And it wasn't like building a sketch premise around the set that's already built. Right, it was just like what can be funny in your room. Which is like what can be funny in your room yeah which is like what all of us little comedians have been doing our whole lives see they don't show the perspective enough i like this yeah well we haven't had gandalf for a bit he's been in a cage it's very confusing that he's five six yeah yeah in the book that's the height gandalf is five

six that's absolutely psychotic that's like my brother used to be obsessed with you know comic everything comic book related and when they first made the uh when they first cast hugh jackman who's like six four or something he was like but wolverine's supposed to be five five and he was like so mad about it i didn't know wolverine was supposed to be so yeah because he's supposed to be this like little guy who just like fights back like wolverine like a little animal i see that john ennis and i want the outside to look like a guy with like an axe but he's like squatting yeah you can picture some ancient dwarf going like he's like this wow it looks like a christmas movie

yeah it's got some um narnia vibes i'll never forget watching um that movie what it honestly sounds like you literally forgot as you were saying you would never forget i was trying the chronicles of narnia oh i never saw any of those when i was in um middle school in my drama class we watched the like pbs movie oh there was one before they did like a big one yeah oh. Oh yeah. It's like a play. Oh cool. But it was like on sets, but it was very low key.

Like it was very like cheap, I guess. Yeah, sure. Sure. Um, but I loved it. And I always thought about,

um, Turkish delight. I've always thought about Turkish delight as well, but I hear it's gross. Like it's not what you think it's going to be, whatever you think. But that's my thingy. to even throw it up in the air it makes me think of when people throw their babies up in the air and it's like what is this risk you're taking yeah you're just showing you kind of don't care. That one.

Yeah. He's becoming so familiar to me that I just think he's a guy. I've now spent 12 hours watching him. I gave it to him. What? Why would you gave it to him what why would you

admit it to the psycho he's like in a bathrobe he's just some guy little slippers on he's so funny

he's so fucking likable but but part of it is that he's acting funny. He's so fucking likable. But part of it is that he's acting in a way that is very connected to modern day acting. And it brings this like different sort of tone to his character. Yeah. It's not just fantasy. It's like he's kind of has like a kind of

little bit of humor here and there. Blah, blah, blah. What a penis head this guy is Thank you. Takk for ating med. they're the same yeah it's i find that to be annoying. Just kill him. You're such a D. Big egg. Just kill him. You're such a D. Big egg. You are a douchebag. So did he just summon them by saying that or were they already doing that?

I think he said something the other day about how they were going to be coming or something. It's just so crazy to think about just groups of people going like, alright, I might die doing this. It's so dumb. Especially like, you know, in this fantasy situation where you go, wait, why? Like thousands of you are expendable here

got this place and it has gold and the guy went crazy and what it's so dumb you gotta love Ian McKellen he's so good haha wait they're just peasants wait what I think this is Billy Connolly

oh it really sounds like him it is so I'm an idiot. That's funny. You probably knew that on an unconscious level. I don't think so. He's got a red beard and shit. But you've seen this, haven't you? Yeah, but I was stoned and

maybe a little drunk and my dad had just died. Okay, I see all the backstory. Good rhyme. Gracias. what wereworms I don't remember this at all what the fuck is this well you're done I mean there's no there's no coming back from this

Bill was like oh shit I mean, there's no coming back from this. Bilbo is like, oh, shit. Do they just take over and they own all the gold now? They're just desperate. Oh, that's who's making those holes. Oh. Gross. I truly feel like the dwarves are like, what have we gotten ourselves into?

We should be like hanging out at Bilbo's, breaking all his dishes. Washing them up. Cause that's what Bilbo Baggins hates. I actually really liked that part. Yeah, that was fun as hell. liked that part. Yeah, it was fun as hell. Dude.

What does stand down mean? Like don't rise to arms or whatever. Let them all kill each other then see who's left, then deal with them. Yeah. I thought they all fell. I was like, cool. That's pathetic.

Build a wall. nice that's horrible well they're killing the orcs no yeah it's just like orcs have no souls orcs should all be dead they're born out of like goo fucking dirt and blood and gandalf is this a good place to stand that would be me in war even now should i can i

i'm gonna read that's you yeah yeah do you mind if i go upstairs and read I'm going to put a little bit of water on the floor. they have a cave troll yikes this reminds me of this video i loved that i think i showed you like probably a year ago at this point but um oh that like porn thing no um a different thing just i was kidding no it was this like gigantic wooden doll that was created like a gigantic wooden walking girl that was made for this like festival in amsterdam or. Probably Ireland. It's probably called the Giant Nan or the Giant Gran, I mean. No, it's like

a young girl. Oh, interesting because you would have probably showed me that and then I would have said oh, it's like the Giant Gran in Limerick. It might even be in like Japan. Like I can't remember where it is at all. There's one in Limerick where it's like guys and they like jump and they're like pulling these ropes. Yeah, it's really cool. It's similar to that, but I always loved it and it was

as well but it looks like those guys things just dead for the bus it just immediately got CTE and died Jesus Jesus. Yuck, dude. Oh, dear God. That was really jarring since those kids look so young and innocent.

Duh! Could you pick me up some bread while you're down there? this is like Nixxiom and he just like kiss that guy in the mouth and he's like you'll be fine kisses that guy in the mouth that is the weirdest documentary is anyone watching it just crazy how these people just give in to the cult it feels like you're having like a separate podcast over there like alice in mac well i don't know yeah

yeah hopefully bilbo has that shirt on what bitch i want him done i can't see if he doesn't die i'm gonna be very mad that's not possible in my opinion it's not possible that he won't die yeah wow way to go little man hell yeah you lucked out it's an interesting thing when you have armor

on every part of your body except your throat yeah throat's gotta breathe you know whoa that was weird Shrek Shrek gone bad Shrek moldy yeah it's like one of those memes

it's like when I feel old this is what Shrek looks like now I'm like damn I'm old fun slower god it's ugly It's like now. I'm like, damn, I'm old. Wee. Fun. Slower. God, it's ugly. How would that stop it?

I don't even know. Okay, could have killed his kids instantly. Yeah, he had a ton of time. Oop. Damn, that was sick. Sick. See air in la right now it's so bad Yeah, right. He's very charismatic. Yeah, he seems to have soulful eyes.

He was Gaston. Yes. That guy sucks I know I really hate him He's got real Joey Greer vibes Joey would step on anyone to get to the top. Oh, nice. Oh, fun. No. No, not my steed.

Is Lee going to die? is Lee gonna die you can't keep going forever exactly you say that and that cues you to check the time look no no that's totally valid he can't keep going forever speaking of forever because forever can only be one hour and 40 minutes more um yeah

oh my god i actually can't believe how much more there is dare i even ask because like no i think i'm actually i think it's an hour and 20 minutes no no that can't be well yeah hour five okay good at least it's not an hour 40 yeah i think the time that you looked at that you said earlier of how long it was was actually the extended because this was shorter than the time that you said okay good but we've had so many technical difficulties. But that being said, an hour in, I do feel this is the end. Yeah. And no, it's not. Yeah.

Yeah, our technical difficulties have caused this to go on for somewhere around four to five hours. Yeah, it's been unbelievable. If you're wondering what a NordVPN is, I'll tell you. VPN stands for Virtual Private Network, a service that protects your internet connection and online privacy. A VPN creates an encrypted tunnel for your data, protect your online identity by hiding your IP address, and allow you to use public Wi-Fi hotspots safely. I'm using a NordVPN myself. And honestly, it's very easy to use. You connect with one click to enable auto-connect for zero-click protection.

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Link is in the episode description. Oh, don't show us that. Lena Dunham? Wait, how are we going to pull out a win, boys? They always make you wonder. All means between and the world. What? That's the Pippin song. Oh, my God. What? That's the Pippin song.

Oh my God. What? Okay, that guy's got too many prosthetics. The bald guy? Yeah. Mm-hmm. You're a loser imagine like not having a phone and just like sitting in there he's just like sitting there

being a bitch you're a fucking oh my god what what are you that's exactly the opposite of what you should say treasure we made up treasure you fucking it is worth all the blood we can spend what are you talking treasure is made up gold is nothing it's a metal oh good this guy told me sucks Push him. If you told us that this guy was going to be the voice of reason yeah when i saw that sort of um what were those little like magnetic art things you would get

like the gas station where like it's like a bald guy's face and pull little magnet pieces i know exactly what you're talking about exactly like that he does and if i had seen that guy and you told me that guy's gonna tell you something that you're really gonna agree with i would have said nope yeah he's he's like if a kid was trying to demean or hurt the figure in one of those like he's like oh i won't put hair on his head i'll put it all over his stupid face why are you still saying the same thing is the floor gold i think so seems kind of like a waste but it's literally worthless if you have a society where there's nothing right I don't think we need the voice

like the recap because I do think I already know what he's thinking just said it okay you know what actually I'm going to go back on what I said earlier about like you know not trimming the fat this is trimmable fat for sure. He's for sure on shrooms.

It's just too much. he looks so dumb yeah i know i just think about filming this okay so like in the gold take butter it like eats you up you throw your crown i want to help everyone i want to volunteer now i care i can really feel it in my bones that we're about to get like a death. I don't know if it's going to be the very Conley character. I do need someone to pass soon. Yeah. Just to kind of break it up a little bit. Yeah. Yeah.

This guy's just chilling. He's basically me playing Civilization VI. Is that your game? That's for all my Civ fans out there. Yeah, that's the thing I've been playing on the PC where you come over and you try and talk to me and I say, you get away from me. Stay away.

Oh, that game. Do not press that button. I know, I know know we have this thing on this apple tv where i gotta turn it off where it's like a notification from the nba app that tells you if something is something worth clicking to immediately is happening in a basketball game and it just was like you might want to watch this this is what's happening between the Celtics. Right when the king is like changing his whole perception. And it's like, oh, there's only three minutes left? The Celtics might win the heat. What was the name of the show that Megan Rath was on before Hawaii five?

Oh, it was this like sci-fi show. And it also had Sam Huntington on it. I don't know. Damn it. Anyway, this guy was in the British version of it. So every time I see him,

I'm like, Oh yeah, that guy. Cool. Whatever the fuck that show is called you know i just got like a flash of mel gibson in that guy's face so wait he's trying to be better for real yeah now he's trying to be a good boy i'm glad he had such an easy change of heart from that one guy i was like all right so nine of you are gonna join this group that is huge you think some of these hobbits are i mean dwarves are gonna

die because nicole and i were kind of wondering about that because what nicole and i've been wondering about that because like oh oh you're saying if any of the the main dwarves yeah i have a i have a vague memory of one of them dying it kind of feels like we need them to they play like a 14 minute long ravel song whoa that was available that whole time feels like the bell wasn't set up in a good spot that's what I'm saying

it just knocks them all on their ass I feel like if you're the king you don't want to be the first guy running into the battle but that's how we know he's changed yeah selflessness But that's how we know he's changed. Yeah. Selflessness. the way McKellen just delivered that line it felt like it was the title of the movie yeah rallying

to their king they're rallying yes their king. They're rallying. Yes. The battle of the five armies. Yeah, that one was so over the top. Yeah, that was pure Hulk. It was definitely from a wrestling WWF thing. thing.

Oh my god. Thank you. Stab him. I was just gonna say, just cut his head off mmm delicious gold I'm a fucking turd where are you gonna spend it there's literally nothing whenever I hear you say literally

I always think of the lap time podcast you did Whenever I hear you say literally I always think of The Lap time podcast you did With Gabrus where you're Doing a Bane impression I'm literally Too many of these fuckers I

I don't. I do feel like in another life, I could have had the nickname Azog the Defiler. I'll call you Azog if you want. No, no, wait. Wait, let me think. That thing's too big and it shouldn't be the first thing to go

for that exact reason how do you know that from that far? It's Fili, Hili, and Dvalin. And one of their goats is a girl. Those orcs like I think because they're brainless they're just so bad at fighting they just get killed instantly that's why they're so far back from the main battle it's the weakest dudes

they're just like squish Squish. That was sick. Yeah, but it was an orc or an orc. They have no souls. ah i was i've been honestly sitting here going how's it five armies she's like but I like him I have his little myrtle beach stone wait a minute. Where the hell did the final go at? oh yeah one more thing about the neighbors who are constantly making noise they also have a caged bird that just it makes one of the most horrible noises i've ever heard all day long

it's a pure squawk it's almost every second and I want it dead actually. Yeah. I remember when we first moved in we heard it and I was like after a while we won't even notice it when in reality I notice it more like neighboring places. Yep. Why you would want that in your home is very confusing to me.

I would marry Bilbo yeah I know you would you basically have don't give yourself so much credit come on Amazing creatures, hobbits. You can learn everything there is to know about them, and still, they will surprise you. Did you make that up?

No, he says it about Frodo and, um, fellowship. He hasn't used that in a while. You haven't what? He hasn't used that in a while. You haven't what? He hasn't used that in a while. The ring. Oh, yeah. also Matt Cook looks like him why do so many people look like him? oh yeah Matt Cook does look like him I don't think Matt Cook, Brian Jordan Alvarez

and Matt Rogers look alike yet I think they could all do an impression of this. I thought he hit her face. He'd be like, okay. Was that him kissing him goodbye truly pathetic oh thank god something has to kill this guy

no stop saving her. I know, it's so annoying. That was weird. I kind of have my money on that guy to die. That random? I think he's either. I think he's Healy. Gå in på en kål. I think I meant feely when I said heely. I didn't know where you got that. I was like, so now there's a heely? There's feely, keely, heely, geeley.

Honestly, there should be a gilly he is the one we're least attached to because i don't really think anything of that one no i know i just think of i think of him because his name rhymes with the other guy yeah oh don't kill him that sucks it's sad oh Oh. Ugh. Dude, you got to chill. I don't think it's going gonna work out for you, dude. Yo.

Bilbo, toss that ring on, my guy. Idiot. kill him not him the other one as though they're taking orders from you wrong him okay those bats are huge well you gotta remember but then the hobbit is one inch tall I mean that doesn't make any sense

I know I know. They're soulless zombies. Those are really soulless. I love how that one looks. I feel like there are so many instances where Bilbo is like thinking something horrible is going to happen and then some like real man comes in and just like handles shit and he's like, oh. Yeah. oh yeah okay a different kind of man not a real man oh yeah i just mean someone willing to swing an axe because i'm bilbo

oh yeah i forgot that's the one she loves now that's gonna be bad her first job was as a a background actor in an episode of felicity i think wow or maybe alias then jj abrams was like great. I like her. And then he eventually put her in Lost. Wow. What a journey, right? It's crazy. You know, it's when things are CGI, they often seem to lack a certain mass like the things themselves it doesn't feel super guttural or intense when any of those things get killed i feel like

there's like thick black blood with the orc eye in uh the lotr series right can i oh my god i had to kill no yeah but for a little while he gets to dream you know whose perspective is this oh my god he just killed it while it was carrying him. Five stars. Going for the Keeley. Get it? I missed what you said, what? He said going for the kill and I said going for the Keeley.

Oh, hell yeah, I love that. I don't really care for puns. I only like them in wartime. You need a little bit of levity in war. Exactly. Stop yelling stop yelling each other's names you're distracting oh damn my god she gotta get invisalign you think it knocked her teeth crooked yeah right when i said it i was thinking yeah. She got a gap knocked into her teeth.

Moans. I want to write subtitles for movies because I would not say that she just sighed. Well, there was a point where Gandalf hit something and it said, ugh. Oh, come on now. She's really getting trounced. Eh? Oh, she's going to get killed,

but Keeley's going to save her. Yeah. Yippee. Yippee. Ooh, that's that's gotta hurt okay maybe they both stab each other at the same time and die it's gotta be you know it's gotta have a

certain level of wokeness to it where it can't just be a guy saving helpless girl like fucking every movie from no like I think 1999 the orc and keely stab each other at the same time and then die. Oh no!

Oh no! Very cool of the orc to give him this moment. He's like, give her one last look is she gonna roll off the cliff and just die no oh brutal he's like

he's like that was awesome I like pizza just totally unrelated to the moment. Pizza is best with mushrooms. Look at his dick cover that's like a skull. It's fun to think of him making it. And it's fun to think of him having genitals. Okay, it's over for you.

Oh. Oh, both of them together. I can't believe Keely died That's Pretty cuckoo Oh no This is

Your quiver is empty A bit much Is that what that's called A quiver The quiver is the Thing I think The what Like the arrow

Is a quiver Or something Oh I thought The arrow holder Is a quiver I might be wrong I the or maybe arrow holder is a quiver i might be wrong i'm not allowed to look at my phone so i don't know oh that one got fucked up oh my goodness oh my god oh my god it's like a broken toy in toy story yes yes he was totally designed by sid oh hell yeah that's convenient set up a little boss battle

sometimes when you think you're breaking a mountain you're actually building a bridge you always say that at the perfect time this it always finds a way I kind of I think I might be in denial about Keely's death right now he gone yeah no he definitely gone kill this

thing don't even respect it by like fighting it just stab hey Lauren relax no okay sorry Hey, Lauren, relax. No. Okay, sorry. Yeah, get it right in the little Achilles tendon. Achilles tendon.

Achilles? Achilles? There's one. It's like there's just so many of them two you're gonna throw it me no but But I do feel Legolas might. You're so stupid. I know. What is wrong with me? I need help.

He just threw that. It didn't show us because there was no way to make it happen. Yeah, they're like, any angle he does it at will look nuts. Oh, nice, though. That's good. It's a little something to make Thorin maybe not hate elves so much. Ooh, good grab. Okay. Oh, good grab. Now this is a sword I like. This is the last guy. I love a nice unconventional weapon.

Using a skip it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I forgot about skip. It's I wanted one. So I always wanted one as well, but I knew I would be bad at it.

I knew I'd be so good that I would get bored. Yeah, exactly. You really would. I do want to mention, uh, on the podcast right here that the other day, Lauren and I were talking about dancing with the stars. And I said, we're talking about how you give so much credit to the people doing it because it's like basically Lauren was saying she feels emotional when she watches it.

And I do as well. And I said, it's because it's my it's literally my worst nightmare to have to go and dance sincerely in front of people. Just to say this while a thing is being stabbed in the head. And a guy does a backflip off him onto a thing. Then Lauren agreed that I would be bad at it. And then now I believe actually that I would win it. So he's dead set on eventually being on Dancing with the Stars. And winning it.

And winning. So just kind of letting you guys know. I think he would be horrible on it and dance like a weird 8th grade boy. Yes, that's what you said. I was going to say you had a good description. But I'm wondering, other people in relationships, do you have this? The moment your SO doesn't believe in you,

you have to prove them wrong. Don't know your SO. Oh, this is is fun I just learned about a similar thing to this on this little show called Cobra Kai oh my god remember? what am I remembering? in the Miyagi-Do when the Robbie and

oh I can get the girl's name Sam are trying to balance on that yes is this almost done oh my god how can there be 33 more well I guess it makes sense because they're going to kill each other right now there's always 30 more minutes

oh the eagles they're going to sweep in and save him he's the luckiest motherfucker or they're're going to sweep it and save him. He's the luckiest motherfucker. Or they're just going to save everyone else because he doesn't deserve it. Oh, Radagast.

I love him. Although I do feel like if you have a Radagast in this, just fucking bring Tom Bombadil into this. What is that caveman? He was the guy that becomes a bear. Oh, wow. We haven't thought about him in a while. Yeah exactly. That's what they do by making all

these movies so fucking long is that they can surprise you with things because you can't possibly retain all of it. Yeah. See you later dude. That's a nice sort of humiliating way to kill this thing. Like a weight is just dragging him down. Ew.

That's my worst nightmare. Drowning in ice cold. I actually watched the, I retweeted this video on how to like pull yourself out. If you were, um, if you fell under ice. Yes.

Oh, really scary. What it really is, is you're supposed to like, take it, like breathe breathe calm down because it's your if you lose your breathing it's way harder sure and you're like heartbeat and everything and then you try to lift your leg like you hold on with your arms on the ice then you

kick your legs up so you're like horizontal okay and then you keep like kicking forward like kicking the ice like you're not under you're not submerged you fell in a hole like you fell on a loose uh you know if you're walking on an ice thing and it busts in i see and you had room to put your legs basically you have to like underneath the ice or even if there is no ice get yourself at horizontal don't try to just pull yourself up with all your arm strength lauren's telling this by the way to azog the defiler yeah so what he should be doing right now is he should be holding his arms on the edge of the ice and kick his legs up horizontal so he's like flat like if he was laying on his

stomach on the ground and then pull push propel yourself forward with your feet in the water and gripping the thing and pulling yourself forward not trying to get go oh damn okay well if you but what about if you have a weapon? You could go under the guy and stab his feet. That was crazy. That was crazy. I enjoyed the moment. I feel like he could have or whatever Thorne or whatever should have just like gone away and enjoyed that that guy was dying. Yeah, or he should have just stabbed right down through the ice into his heart.

Oh, no. So it does feel like who knows well we have 30 minutes left and one of them has to die and it feels weird if it's the king because then the orc still needs to be beaten by the other guys but then it gives something for all the dwarves to do leave something for me. Holy moly. Oh, wow. What you said was going to happen. Oh, yeah. It did eventually happen.

It's like Romeo and Juliet. Mm-hmm. These guys always need each other. I want to die looking in your eyes, and I want you to die looking into my eyes. My wife. Oh, now he's scared. He's still nothing.

Man, you're like a mean, like a high school bully. You're looking down at him as he dies. You're still nothing. He is nothing. No, I totally agree. He's a bad guy. Show us where he hit you yeah it's over for you welcome to the hotel california that's a meme what he says the eagles are coming oh yeah and then it's just those guys singing that i have to pee but i don't know if i should do the mic thing where I just get up and leave. I guess you shouldn't.

Shouldn't? Yeah. Cool. Or we can pause it and I'll stay and talk to the folks here. We've done so much that you're going to have to figure out later with all the pausing we've had to do. Sure. I can't do that to you. So, well. Just do that to you. So,

well, just die. Thank you. He looks like he just came out of his bedroom. Yeah, he always does. Oh, it's real bad. Hmm. Okay. That's nice. Thank you. Oh, I've never seen the feet like that. God, he's so good.

I know. At acting, y'all. I'm not saying he's so good-hearted. Well, that too. But he is. He's just now the size of her hand. He's in there. Visit Myrtle Beach what does it mean

now you return home what does he want yeah right so everyone's dead except the mains that worked out where are all my dwarves that's gonna be like a sort of triumphant moment where they all like poop like pop out of some like all my dwarves. That's going to be like a sort of

tramp at moment where they like poop like pop out of some like or coals or are you talking to me? Yeah.

He's known as strider but his name is aragorn we call him rocky well they are talking about aragorn mine wasn't a joke mm-hmm keep my mother's name out your mouth. Hey, eat shit, dude. I literally can't believe I have to watch all of these. I mean, you're done. I am done. But now there's going to be a whole nother we have like a lot more episodes

well I can't wait to watch the animated Hobbit that one seems fine I haven't seen it since I was a kid I loved it apparently there's like a what's his name Tolkien like documentary oh do you have to watch that Tolkien movie with Nicholas Holt

probably and Phil Cowan's daughter documentary. Oh, do you have to watch that Tolkien movie with Nicholas Holt? Probably. And Phil Cowan's daughter. He was the one saying it wasn't the whole time? Yeah. Yeah. With tongue Well you gotta have tongue She's not a prude I'm alive it's a cute little picture they should print it out and save it

yeah I was gonna say put it on Instagram that feeling when you've literally killed every guy They should print it out and save it. Yeah, I was going to say put it on Instagram. That feeling when you've literally killed every gay. You're still not home yet. Sucking air. Hey, uh, Gandalf? Somebody say something? Maybe go sit somewhere else?

You gonna keep rattling that pipe next to me? Can one of those eagles drop him off at home so he doesn't have to, like, walk the whole way? It's called there and back again. Oh, they're all fine?

Yeah, we just lost, you know, Feely, Keeley, Thorin Oakenshield. But so they're all fine. Yeah. A little bit. I miss Azog the Defiler. What are they going to be threatened by now? You know, he just had the kind of energy I liked. Now begins

the five endings. It is really like, come on. That hat's kind of cute, that woman hat. Yeah, it's a good hat. It's kind of like the Japanese one I have. Yeah, it's just like yours. Yep. I guess I don't need anything. Songs will be sung. Tales will be sung tales will be tongue he's just some guy

a friend friend my homie he was like a boss you know what I mean and like you mourn your boss but like it's fine gang's all here alright one last picture far left looks like Kelsey Grimer Oh my god Don't knock on my fucking door

Star tissue, Dado. Aw. You said star tissue again? Yes. Look at that little circle of whole hair missing on this one. Aw, that makes me want to cry. That too. and maybe I hear the

maybe I hear the teaser for it and back in our Balboa's house don't go knocking maybe I seem a bit confused

well that's cause I just killed two thousand orcs and I do know what to do with all the dirty dishes

and leg all I spread clombus bread And I do know what to do with all the dirty dishes. And Legolas bread. Lombus bread. They're calling again. This is pretty. Good night, Bag End. I like this. Everyone they pass on the way back should be benedict cumberbatch see i weirdly think the second movie should have ended with smog destructing the town

and i completely agree with you other than the word distracting it's called the desolation of smog yeah so they should have killed smog and then but i guess when it's called the desolation of Smaug so they should have killed Smaug but I guess when you came out of desolation at the end you know what I'm saying I guess I keep thinking of the decimation and then what about how you just said destructing earlier

did you mean destroying yeah you wish I would release you I wish I would shut up I'm your SO we're getting really close to the end here so yeah I can feel it I feel like the way he's dressed

it's like when an American goes abroad for a semester and they come back and they now wear a cravat like everyone's gonna see him and they're like, uh. He's like, actually, where I went, they actually really wear these a lot. No need to worry about that ring. What a little liar.

You just hear that lie? Who said that? Bilbo. Look, he's just going to live alone. He should have the ring. Just a couple things from his travels. Do you think something different happens to him if he uses it as a cock ring? You have to answer that question.

I'm your guest. I think the jizz becomes blurry. That's really scary, actually. This is so cute. It made me say such a gross thing over it. Yep. oh that's so annoying. Can they see him? Like, everyone turn it around. Fuckers. It's been 13 months.

What is it? You didn't want to say he's a burglar oh my boss that is depressing that just gave me anxiety seeing this how gross of everyone

I mean 13 months though it's a long time hope you guys heard our nightly motorcycle I just like move in. Well, you know, I guess it's probably got new priorities now and so forth. Okay. Can't believe I didn't remember that so many of the dwarves died. I just can't believe how long they're spending on this part. Okay, you're breathing.

Oh, my God. Put it on. Well, now it's going to be Ian Holm. Look how old that hand is. Okay. so now it's the beginning of that movie yeah that's Yeah, it's cute as hell. Aw. Wow. Now, here's what's crazy.

I want to, now I immediately want to watch fellowship i i get what you mean yeah um look it was a journey just to get through the these movies and i do have to talk about it for another hour tomorrow so i'm gonna wrap it up here for sure for sure i have to pee as well but thanks you guys um thanks for sticking with us through that one that was a journey that was a real journey. And we've got a bunch of suggestions I've seen of things we should do watch-alongs for. So we should do something like Cillia and Shorter. Yeah, I want to do one of the ones that I read. I want to do Dennis the Menace. That seems fun to me.

Oh, that's fun. That's really fun. Yeah. Okay. I've also been wanting people comments on this, please. I think maybe I've already said it, but I really want to do Into the Spider-Verse, which Lauren hasn't seen. Oh, yeah.

Okay. But I do think we did John Wick. Yes. Hobbit 3. But that means we've got to do into the spider verse which lauren hasn't seen oh yeah okay but i do think we did john wick yes that means we gotta do john wick two and three okay but i feel like i deserve a little like fun sure okay guest house shut up all right bye everybody bye see you next time with lauren lapkus Slap time. Slap time. Slap time. With Lauren Lapkus. That was a Hidgum original.