Newcomers: Sports, with Nicole Byer and Lauren Lapkus - Ewok Adventures (w/ Joel Kim Booster)

Episode Date: June 3, 2020

Have Lauren and Nicole changed their tune on Ewoks? Comedian and Star Wars superfan Joel Kim Booster (Sunnyside, Singled Out) joins us to break down the 2 Ewok movies from the 80's: 'Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure' and 'Ewoks: The Battle for Endor'.Next episode, we watch the series premiere and 4-part finale of The Clone Wars.Please donate to organizations fighting against racism and police brutality. Click here to donate.Sources this episode:Ewok Adventures TriviaThe Battle for Endor TriviaAdvertise on Newcomers via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. help you. Now, a great adventure begins. You hear that? Let's get out of here. Don't go. Behind you. It's an action-packed motion picture featuring incredible special effects from the award-winning team of Industrial Light and Magic. That's Mommy and Daddy.

Sometimes when you search for the impossible, an unbelievable adventure unfolds. I wish we had furry creatures like you where I came from. Don't miss The Ewok Adventure, now on videocassette from MGM-UA Home Video. Oh boy, we're doing it. We're doing it. It's another episode of Newcomers. I'm Nicole Byer.

And I'm Lauren Lapkus. And we've never seen Star Wars, which is now a full lie. We've seen all of Star Wars and more than most people, I think. I think we've seen too much of Star Wars and more than most people, I think. I think we've seen too much of Star Wars, actually. It's upsetting. I can't believe what we're talking about today. I'm not happy.

I'll say that much. Me either. I'm not happy. It's awful. I had such a bad time. I did too. I can't wait to get into it because I think our guest is going to be hilarious. But I just couldn't believe the amount of time spent and just everything.

You know, we do a lot for you people out there in the world. Like we are putting in the time. So if there's somebody that wants to complain about this podcast, we are putting in hours to make these episodes. Hours and hours. I fell asleep. I had to wake up, rewind, watch again.

And it still didn't make any sense to me we watched the ewok movies oh my god there are two of them um they're from 1984 oh my god well okay i'm gonna give you a little hoth goss before we jump into our guy apple podcast has featured newcomers as a for the fans podcast about movies so that was really exciting yeah i'm pumped about our little shout outs we've been getting lately it's been very nice you know we were worried in the beginning that people were going to be mean and hateful and tear us down but everyone has been very nice and kind to us i know it actually was like one of the most surprising turn of events i feel like i thought that this was going to be the way that we started to get hate mail and it's not so i feel good about that it's very nice um well we

should introduce our guest oh boy you love him he's sexy he got muscles he's also so funny he was on nbc sunny side he hosts the new singled Out on Quibi. It is Joel Kim Booster! Oh my god, I'm so mad at both of you. I've never been more furious. You guys don't understand how deeply I, when Nicole and I talked about this, about coming on,

I love Star Wars. I told Nicole, I said, I love Star Wars. I've read scores of the books meant for children and adults. Seen every movie. And then I realized that you had been doing the podcast for so long.

And where I thought, like, maybe I'd get like a Rogue One or a Solo, a Star Wars story. You know, even that is bad. But this, next level. This is bad, but this. Next level. This is like, so had you ever seen these?

We'll get to it, but I have such vivid memories of seeing the sequel. I did not know there were two. There shouldn't be. I have such vivid memories of I remember where I was sitting and the scenes that I remember, like when they popped up on screen, I was like, oh wow. And I remember like where I was sitting and the scenes that I remembered, like when they popped up on screen, I was like, oh, wow.

And I remember watching this movie and I remember enjoying this movie as a child, which means I guess I was a dumb kid. Because there's not a whole lot to enjoy in the three hours of content that we watched. I thought I kept imagining my nephews watching it with me and thinking, well, maybe the little one would like this. He's like four. Like he might be like, whoa, this is scary. This part's cool. Like I was trying to see it through his eyes, but I kept closing my own eyes. I got to tell you, Nicole, you shouldn't have rewound anything.

I can't. I got up several times to leave the room and. Yeah, me too. I didn't come back. I would not pause. I have to say that like thinking about your nephew watching it thinking about my nephew watching it here's the thing i think they bank like at a certain point they stop being cute when you look at them for too long yeah it becomes

actually jarring and bizarre and not fun to see anymore. The teeth are my biggest complaint. The teeth are sick. I just, watching the movie several times, I would look up and be like, why is any of this happening? I do like how you said, watching the movie, I would look up and wonder why.

So yeah, it was hard to focus on this. It was really hard. I got carpal tunnel what's the main what's the main what twitter what is his name may be oh wait tweedles tweedles or wicked wicked wicked um wicked wicked they should do a wicked parody with wicked i will say wicked is cute but here but here's... That I would like. It's so weird because you don't realize until you spend a full movie just looking

at these creatures that their faces do not move. They don't move at all. They're stuck in a mask of horror. Like, it is so, so weird to watch. Okay, let's tell a little bit about this. Okay, first I want to hear... Actually, before I do that, I want to hear more about your background with star wars and like because you love it so

you're a fan so your whole life and you've seen all the movies i've seen every now i've i didn't know the first one of these existed i've seen the the the wookiee christmas special too like i that one i love yes i mean you gotta it's it's all for me. Great. I really like, I loved this series. Every Friday we would watch the, we recorded it off of like TNT on VHS before the remaster had come out. And every Friday we would watch as much of all three of them as we could, me and my brother and my sister. Wow. And so like I go in deep. I was like the right age during the prequels to semi-enjoy the prequels enough. I think that it is definitely like the books were a huge thing for me in high school

through college through early my early 20s. I was still playing. What are the books? Yeah, what are these books? This is the thing. This is the expanded universe. The Star Wars expanded universe in books and comic books is all canon. So there was like three decades worth of books that came out that started after Return of the Jedi. And was basically about Luke starting the Jedi order again.

And like Leia, like creating a government from scratch. And for 30 years on into Han and Leia getting married, having twins, having a third son that they named Anakin, like Luke marrying an evil Sith lady that becomes reformed named Mara Jade Skywalker. They have a son that they named Ben Skywalker. Like literally. All the way up until, I believe, the latest ones that came out, like the twins were getting married. Much like in the movies, one of Leia and Han's, the boy twin turns evil and they have to kill him. They're in their 30s, basically. And then when Disney bought Star Wars, they said, all of that, not a part of official canon anymore.

Which, of course, to me was devastating but none of it's real didn't disney like have a decree yes they came out and people were furious disney had a decree came out with a decree because all of the the force awakens was coming out and it was doing the same thing that the books basically did and instead of taking stories from the books they're like we're we're wiping it away we're doing our own thing all that the books basically did. And instead of taking stories from the books, they were like, we're, we're wiping it away. We're doing our own thing. All of the books, not canon anymore. And that was like the phrasing of it. It was like, these aren't canon. And people were so mad. That's so final to be like, it's just not canon. Yeah. And I was like, well then I literally, I'm looking at the books that I have on my bookshelf right now,

like 30 some odd books. Can you show us one? Yes, please. Let's see. I don't have any idea what this would look like. I only know about that book. Like, I think it's a fake book cover that people keep tagging us in on Twitter

where it's like a romance novel. So this is one, Star Wars, The New Jedi Order, Edge of Victory 2. It's part of it too. And that's Luke and his wife. Oh, show us the font size. Yeah. Can I see the font size? Oh, the font size is... It's a book, Lauren.

I did... Did you think it was gonna be a huge font? It's not for children. It's meant for adults. Okay? But the cover looks like Animorphs, so I was like, I bet you it's got big font. Show me the like big i feel so dirty now no that's cute that's really cute yeah it does look like a young adult anamorph what is it anamorphs anamorphs is a good analogy to look like um but i i encourage everyone to look up

the Star Wars The New Jedi Order Edge of Victory 2 Rebirth wow so many titles by Greg Keys and you can see what we're talking about but yeah I was like super into all of it and I'm devastated

by what happened to the series with these new Star Wars movies. Oh, so you don't like the back three? I don't like the back three. We like some of them. Yeah, we like them. I like them. I saw them.

Now, keep in mind, I've seen them all opening weekend. Some of them multiple times. I really love Rogue One. Rogue One is my favorite of the newer Star Wars movies. But I think it was a little, I think the new ones are a little clunky. I think Force Awakens is just a beat-for-beat remake of A New Hope.

I think that the Rise of Skywalker was fine to good. Although the whole entire dramatic tension of Rise of rise of skywalker is a ship going very slowly just very slowly moving slow moving ship and that every time they would do an establishing shot of that slow moving ship i was like this is a movie but if laura if they could make like the all the movies into quibby length episodes oh my god like all the movies into Quibi-length episodes, I would love it. You just get the main point. Oh my God. Because all the movies are too long.

They're all like two hours. I don't need to watch the slowest ship. Yeah. But I also don't like that they walked back. I liked the twist that Ray's parents were nobody. And then I didn't like that they walked that back because it felt like cowardly to me. And honestly, I would have loved

if they revealed that Rey's mother was Sindel. Oh my God. They're just a throwaway line of like, yeah, my mom, she was raised by Ewoks. Had a really traumatic childhood. Saw her entire family sort of wiped out by this alien race and then was raised by Ewoks. Was also fine about it.

Yeah, she was totally fine. She couldn't cry. Okay, we need to talk about this movie. Okay, so Caravan of Courage, an Ewok adventure. This is the first Ewok movie. It was released November 1984. The story is by George Lucas, which I thought was interesting. He's bad.

He's so bad at storytelling. It is so wild to me that he created this thing with such longevity, but him himself can't do very much. He's bad. The plot is, it doesn't take long to explain it. No.

We can jump in with all our thoughts about this movie. The Tawani family, civilian shuttlecraft, crashes on the forest moon of Endor. The four Tawanis are separated, Germit and Katarine, the mother and father. These are white people. What the fuck? Germit and Katarine?

Okay. The mother and father are captured by the giant Gorax, which... Is just a big Ewok. Yes. It's just a big Ewok. It's the biggest Ewok. And Mace and Sindel. And I gotta say, Mace.

What an awful actor. Do you think Mace Windu is from that? Wait, no, Mace Windu's black. No, but I mean the name, like the reusing of the name. Oh, maybe. But you know, they didn't even audition this boy. They just said,

oh, that boy looks like Mark Hamill. You're in. That's what I thought. I was like, he looks like Mark Hamill and he's dressed like him. Yeah, but he's so bad. Such a terrible actor.

Oh God. And what's crazy is in some of these later movies, if you're not good, they will come for you for years to the point where you don't act ever again. Now, I don't think that happened here. I don't think enough people saw this.

No. I mean, so much of the dialogue felt improvised when he said it because I think he just couldn't. The one part where he fell in the lake and then they got him out and he was like, I was looking in the lake and then I was in the lake and now they got him out and he was like i was in i was looking in the lake and then i was in the lake and now i'm here he did that so many times where he would like repeat the same thing like he's like it's just a rock i don't know what's going on inside of this but it's just a rock and i'm like you forgot that you already said that part yeah and then when he was like food eat

eat food food eat and i was like i don't they're ewoks they don't understand you when he was like, food, eat, eat, food, food, eat. And I was like, I don't, they're Ewoks. They don't understand you. Or when he was like, medicine, she needs more medicine. This is the problem with this first movie that is insane to me, is they have to center your movie around a species that cannot speak English or basic as it's referred to in the Star Wars universe. They call it basic? They call English basic?

Basic, yes. That's pretty weird. We haven't heard that. That's hilarious. At the beginning they have like this, I was so stoned when I watched this. I should have been. At the beginning when they had this like David Attenborough narration because the Ewoks aren't speaking English so you don't know

what's going on. I was like, oh this is just like, I was like, maybe this movie will just be like Planet Earth but with Ewoks and like that English so you don't know what's going on I was like oh this is just like plant I was like maybe this movie will just be like planet Earth but with Ewoks and like that would be kind of fun I had that hope too and it was Burl Ives doing the narration and I think he did all the like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer so there was like a really comforting feeling

to that and I thought that'll be nice but then like he goes away for so long he didn't really do anything so that was weird they lose like I'm sorry but the last thing i want to watch in a movie is a toddler trying to teach a fucking dog how to speak english and that is that's what this move like that's 90 of this film is that fucking toddler girl send out like repeating words to wicket it's so true and we find out it pays off it does it does ultimately they basically speak english they speak basic yeah okay mason sindel who are the son and daughter of these parents

are missing when they're captured so the next day the ewok deej is looking for his two sons which he flies on that fucking he flies in this thing and then the rope breaks and then it breaks again and i was like these bitches need better rope what is happening on indoor that nobody has good rope he gets on that like um like what do you call it hang glider that he like made out of like you know deer skin or something like flies it's crazy okay and then uh, so that, that Ewok is looking for his sons and he finds Sindel all alone in the shuttle. So Mason Sindel,

we're looking for the transmitter to send a distress call when Mace appears with his emergency blaster. And he's real aggressive with these Ewoks. Oh, he hates them. He's like, he's so mean. I'm like,

you have no one to help you. Yeah. They live here. Like now I have a question for you guys. Did it seem to you as though Sindel's mouth was wet for most of this movie? Didn't she seem like there's something, there's like a wet quality to her face and mouth region

that was so discerning. But like wet and dry, because her hair was so dry. I was like, why is there no moisturizer in this child's curly hair sometimes it seemed like it was like um a wig yes and other times it clearly wasn't but it was just that was she was very cute and she reminded me of drew barrymore when she was yes they were clearly going yes for et hamill That's what I was wondering. And did E.T. come out before this or after this? Because I thought it was like so E.T. like. It's.

I'll look up. E.T. I have in my mind looking very expensive. And this movie could have been made on TikTok with an iPhone. E.T. came out two years before this. They totally. Yes, they were absolutely going for Drew. Oh my God. They probably made this girl drink alcohol like Drew too,

just to get that. Maybe that's why her mouth was so wet the whole time. Yeah, because she was just drunk the whole time. There were scenes where she was walking through and I was like, she's like Shirley Temple. This is like definitely abuse on some level. Like she's being told she's going to be the next famous thing. I never heard from her again.

But these are the only two movies she ever did. Really? Yes. Now I'll say, and I don't want to get too much into the sequel, but I do think she gets a lot better in the sequel.

She does. She's more confident. I think she does. And it's only a year difference. And I think it is, it looks, there's a lot to say about the sequel,

but let's, we can stay on this. I think, I mean, she's obviously trash in this first one. She's absolute trash. It doesn't even matter that you don't know

what the Ewoks are saying because she's not saying anything either. No, it's true. So eventually the four-year-old Sindel is able to convince the teenage Mace that the Ewoks are nice. And then the Ewoks and the Tawanis go on an adventure to find the elder Tawanis. Which, every

second of this was like- It was awful. They walked in the desert for so long. Like what is George Lucas's obsession with shots of people just walking through deserts? I don't get it. It's really, yeah. Like I was frustrated at the beginning

because it was like watching Parasite. Like you couldn't look down at your phone because you couldn't understand what was going on it's such a visual movie and you had and but then there's no subtitles either so you don't really it doesn't matter which made zero sense

I was like but I just want to know what these fucking Ewoks are saying and then much like the Christmas special like the first 15 minutes 20 minutes when you see the Ewoks they're just like it's like a day in the life of minutes, 20 minutes when you see the Ewoks, they're just like, it's like a day in the life of an Ewok. Whoever wanted to see that?

I mean, I did. I think that was the part I was excited about, but then the story really bothered me. And I felt like they kept just having random things happen to make it seem exciting. But there was like, like if I looked away and I looked back, something else was totally different.

Like now they're in a lake. Now they're doing this. Now there's a fairy. Now there's a fairy. Now there's a fucking Peter Pan Tinkerbell. The fairy was wild. That was so crazy. That thing dancing. That was the craziest thing I've ever seen.

It was so fake. It was the one part of the movie where I was like, maybe I left the room for too long. I was like, did a plot sort of coalesce while I was making dinner? The answer is no. And then no. Yeah, truly. I did sort of scan back and I was like did a plot sort of coalesce while i was making dinner and the answer is no and then no yeah truly i did sort of scan back and i was like oh no this is just a series of hijinks strung together by walking that's all it is like that's all it is not there was no reason for anything to happen it just was like we need something weird now and i'm like they would do it i gotta say this movie was fully exhausting i was spent tuckered out tired ready

for bed at the end of this i had a huge headache from watching it and i was like yeah yeah i really did i was like i can't you the crazy thing with like the lake and the fairy of it all is that like there isn't even there's no attempt at making it seem like an alien planet. Like at one point, they're straight up just riding horses. And I was like, really? There's just straight up horses on this planet. But they mount them weirdly. He flew onto that horse.

And I was like, that can't be good for the horses back. Oh, my God. At one point when they lose Sindel on a horse somehow, and again, I looked down for a second and she was off to the races on this horse. I didn't understand how they got away from her. You see a

shot of one of the Ewoks getting onto the horse and it is such a large Ewok. Wicket is the appropriate size of an Ewok. There are occasionally Ewoks that are slightly bigger than Wicket. And it is not what you want to see out of an Ewok. Nope.

That Ewok riding a horse. And it was, they did not get like, it looked like either a very small horse or a very large Ewok. And it was a problem. It was a real problem. The proportions are like really important large Ewok. And it was a problem. It was a real problem. The proportions are like really important with the Ewoks. And that's why the teeth can be really upsetting because sometimes they'll have like really big teeth and like, it's like sick. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh my God. So there's a little bit of trivia about this movie. So the Ewok language was based on Tibetan. Oh, I feel like that's insulting to the Tibetan people. about this movie. So the Ewok language was based on Tibetan. Oh. I feel like that's insulting to the Tibetan people. Seems not great. Eyelids had to be created for the sleeping Ewoks

because the original masks used in Star Wars Episode VI, Return of the Jedi, didn't have them. They were digitally added to the Blu-ray release. What do you feel about when they add things to the releases later? How do you feel about that when they add things to the releases later? How do you feel about that when they update something with a new technology? I think this is the remastered original trilogy

is a really good example of doing it mostly well. I haven't watched the remakes in a long time, but I remember like the last time I watched it probably like a year and a half or two years ago thinking like, oh, I like that they added Jabba the Hutt to A New Hope. It does sort of like add something to the trilogy aspect of it.

I did not, I'm sorry to say, notice that they added eyelids digitally to the Ewoks. I wasn't looking for that. Yeah. And are you really a fan, Joel? I guess not. I mean, come on. The movie was finished in nine weeks,

which is, I would say, eight more weeks than I thought they shot for. So six weeks of shooting, one week of reshoots, and two weeks of dubbing. What did they dub and what did they reshoot? I definitely noticed some lines of the little girls that were not matching with ADR.

And so I'm sure the kids messed up so many times. They're like, we'll just get it later. And then they spent two weeks trying to get them to say it right in a room. One of the early working titles was the Ewok Holiday Special. Well, that's a bad title because nothing holiday happens. Not one holiday thing. There wasn't

a mention of Life Day or Hanukkah or Ramadan or Christmas. I would watch a full hour of the Ewoks celebrating Life Day. I really would. That seems good to me. Yeah, that's fun. This was trash. I would watch a porn of an Ewok fucking a Wookiee.

I would watch that. I would watch that. Absolutely. On Life Day. On Life Day. On Life day. On life day. On life day is the only day it's allowed to happen. The end of the movie for me was wild because there was like extra monsters. There was like a spider monster. And I was like, wait, what the fuck?

Again, with the lack of creativity, you're going to give me a big monster. First of all, every monster is something that either exists on earth or is just a larger version of an ewok like that's the the we got a big spider and a big ewok and that's the dent of the creativity that we're seeing and the way he kills him is by just like throwing a hatchet at him where he can't reach are you kidding like what the fuck yeah so when they they get to the like the lair when the parents are on the thing. By the way, the parents seem fine. Oh, they were absolutely fine.

They were, like, in a treehouse chilling. I wrote down, these people are from Wisconsin. Like, there's no... Like, I wouldn't say that the Star Wars movies have, like, a house style of acting by any means, but no one's even attempting to pretend that they're on an alien planet. No.

No, no, no, no. And no one's even attempting to pretend that they're on an alien planet. No, no, no, no. And no one's weirded out by, like only Mace hates the Ewoks, but it seems unfounded because they're like on this other planet where everything is weird and they are taking care of his sister. Like I don't really understand

why he hates them so much and is unwilling to listen to them. So I found that annoying. Puberty. And then the parents, the parents are like next to that like disgusting thing. And they're just kind of like, you're here.

And then the boy climbs into the cage with them and they're like, yay. Like it seems like they're not really in a hurry to get out. No, nobody seems like they're in peril. Well, yeah.

And it doesn't, there's, it's never quite clear what this creature is holding them for. No. Wouldn't the creature just immediately eat them? Like, that's the vibe that it gives off, certainly. And then to find out that it's just keeping these things and parents in a cage,

it's sort of like, well, why? Maybe he was keeping the parents in the cage because he was like, I know you probably have kids. These kids will come. And I'm very hungry. And then surely they made friends on have kids. These kids will come. And I'm very hungry. And then surely they made friends on the planet. Those friends will come too. And then I'll have me a buffet.

Oh, and how does Sindel get sick? Was that the beginning of this one? Yes. Where she's like really sick and she's like dying. Yeah. And then the Ewok comes in with a flower. She's got the wet mouth. And then they feed her like leaf juice.

A leaf. Yeah. Yes. It was very weird. And then she's still coughing. He's like, she needs more, more.

And it's like, these Ewoks have helped you a lot. I will say, I think that one of like the big improvements between these movies is the first one has like, it's directed so poorly because there's so many lingering like beats of silence. Like,

like the moment where he's like, Sindel, eat. Why aren't you eating? I don't feel... It's like, why was there three seconds of dead air between her response when nothing on camera is happening? And the movie could be like 30 minutes shorter

without that stuff. I mean... For sure. All the Star Wars movies are too long. So they're all two hours, two plus hours. This one was an hour and a half. This one truly could have been 45 minutes. And I think I would have gotten everything I needed.

Yeah, I think I would have liked it more. I mean, this is one of the problems I think we keep finding is like all these movies like overstay their welcome. Like I'm like into it up to a point. And then I'm like, OK, come on. Like, oh, now it's going this whole other direction. Like if they made them all two hours or less to begin with. And then I would say an hour and a half max.

I feel that would be amazing. They'd be like, well, yeah. Cause let's be, let's call, let's be honest here. These movies aren't like reinventing the wheel in terms of like what kind of

story they're telling. Like it's all very recognizable tropes. Like I feel like they could absolutely be an hour 45 and yeah we don't need to see the inner machinations of how the clone factory works george like there's no reason for it um and yet he thinks we want it and he'll eat it right up i mean but i mean he do we kind of are just eating all of it right up. Yeah. You played right into his hands.

This is his grand plan for Nicole Byron, Lauren Lapkus to consume all his content and talk about it for money. OK, I think we need to take a break, but we'll be right back. We'll talk about the other one. The other one. On a far distant world of enchanting beauty, a family of lost travelers find shelter and friendship among the Ewoks, peaceful guardians of the forest. But the peace is shattered.

An evil storm sweeps the planet Endor, threatening the Ewoks' very existence. Run fast, run! And a courageous Earth child is left orphaned, hunted by the cruel armies of an insatiable warlord. All I want is the power! Don't be foolish, do what he says. It's a breathtaking adventure that soars to extremes of heroism and treachery. There's no escape for you, my little one. But there is hope.

A shipwrecked adventurer and his speedy sidekick join forces with the Ewoks. Their mission? Penetrate a fortress of death and rescue their friend. It's a desperate scheme that unleashes the rage of a demented tyrant. From the creator of Star Wars comes a dazzling adventure, a timeless fable of courage and conflict, of bravery, innocence and unspeakable evil. Featuring Wilfred Brimley and the visual mastery of George Lucas.

Take a journey to the far reaches of your imagination. The Battle for Endor. Coming to your family from MGM UA Home Video. The next movie is called Ewoks, Battle for Endor. Here are the details.

It was released November 1985, just a few months after I was born. How old are you, Nicole? I was born in 86, so I was a thought. Yeah.

You were a twinkle in the sky. This story was also by George Lucas. Slightly better. This one's better. And this one should be the only one. Yes. You really don't need, this one has more stakes. It's just a little more exciting.

More kind of things that make sense to me happen. I don't know. I think it's more imaginative too. Like notice there were no horses in this one. They gave us these claymation creatures that they were riding around on, which I appreciated to an extent. Like there was more happening.

It did feel less science fiction-y though and more like fantasy. You know what it reminded me of? Did you ever, like we watched it in school all the time, I think for some reason, but the lion, the witch and the me of did you ever like we watched it in school all the time i think for some reason but the lion the witch in the wardrobe did you that like yeah that was like the pbs version or something we for some yeah we always watch that this reminded me of that and like i feel like the evil witch lady was kind of like that yeah okay i see that yeah it gave me i wrote down power rangers like yes she did remind me of Rita Repulsa. Yes, yes.

The acting, exactly the same. And I was into her, honestly. Wait, was the dad different in this one? Yes. He was recast with the guy from Breakfast Club. Yes, yes, yes, the principal. He's the principal, yeah. I thought it was savage of them to immediately

kill off the freedom of the family new members. Immediately. The second thing that happens in this film is they, like off camera, murder the mom. Couldn't get her back for a day rate. And then,

and then in a very confusing way, kill Mace. I didn't understand how Mace died. Me either. And I didn't realize until he was dead until she was like, he's dead. And I was like, and the dad was like, I know. And I was like realize until he was dead until she was like, he's dead. And I was like, oh. And the dad was like, I know.

And I was like, crying? And there was like no stakes. Nobody seemed super upset about these deaths. Well, here's my question. So the dad gets away with Sindel. And he's sitting there and he's like, no, you have to go and live with the Ewoks now. Go, go. And it was like, well, like, you've already escaped.

Like, you should be giving up quite early like he let himself get attacked like he stayed there i was like you could have maybe try a little harder instead of just pawning off your daughter on the fucking ewoks he was probably like she's so annoying this is my moment i can fucking get away from this curly haired freak and start a new life get a new fucking family, try again. It is truly like insane what happens to her and the people she meets and ends up with. I mean, we'll get into it.

What were you gonna say, Joel? I was gonna say, she's got some filters in this one. Like she looks expensive in the sequel. I'm gonna say it. Like they put some Vaseline on that camera and she no longer looks wet or dry to me. She looks dewy. She looks soft.

They did some work and she got some coaching. I honestly had to look up and see if it was the same girl because I thought it was much better in the second one. She was. She was more confident. She walked with a certain gravitas. She was walking next to the Ewoks and talking at the same time. I was like, this is hard. In the first one, I was worried she didn't understand that she walked with a certain like gravitas she was walking next to the ewoks and

talking at the same time i was like this is hard in the first one i was worried she didn't understand that she was in a movie and this like felt like a little girl who was acting not like yeah a little girl who was trapped on this set and made to believe she was living reality i mean you think she's a better actress sure but the bar was so low you know yeah it truly was and also like thinking about child actors it it's really mind-boggling but like yeah thinking of her in that first movie there's probably a part of her that kind of thought it was real probably yeah she's little yeah and with those characters walking around her that seem real i don't know i mean we didn't get a lot we didn't get a lot of mace action like in either movie but like the deaths wait to go back really quickly to the first one when he

sees this the ugliest ewok die i would say the ugliest ewok that we've ever seen that death was so fucked up so bizarre and then the ewok he's like, and again, it's the bad acting repeating where he's like, no, you have to stay alive. You have to stay alive. No, you, you're a friend.

Like, it's like, Oh, cut away, cut away. It was so bad. Um, here's a little bit of the synopsis on the forest moon of Endor.

The Tawani family are preparing to leave, but now in the beginning of the second venture, Wicked and Sindel must face off against the evil marauders. The marauders capture all the Ewoks and kill Sindel's family. That's in the first minute. Minute. Yeah, truly on their journey.

They meet Noah, an old hermit who is also looking for a way home and his small, but fast companion Teak, who I have a lot of thoughts about. Now let's talk about Teak. I think I know people who look like teak do you guys remember i can't remember like if it was mad tv or do you remember jackalope the the do you know what i'm talking about it's like the animal it's an it's like an ant a rabbit and an antelope yes it's like a big strong bunny and it was like mischievous and it was that's what teak reminded me of i was like super into teak until i realized

that teak was very large like when they first showed teak teak seems very small i thought it was a puppet yeah i also thought it was a puppet and then when he's down on the ground I'm like oh he's the same size as Wicked not interested I just I want him to be really small like a squirrel he would have been cuter if he was smaller because him big he was really upsetting to look at

do you know what I mean his eyes did not blink I was very aware of that when he was sad he was like his eyes were open like his hands would just move in front of them like it was really really weird and he lives with that asshole old man Noah who I wrote

down I said okay Maga Santa that's like the vibe that I was getting from old Wilt Chamberlain oh my god it's so true and he was like so mean. His name is just straight up Noah, which is like...

But that's a Star Wars thing. Like some people are like, they have the weirdest name and then yeah, Ben, Ben Solo. And you're like, oh, okay. It can be anything. It can be anything. So together,

the four friends try to rescue the Ewoks. Four friends seems like a stretch. It's a huge stretch. There are acquaintances, things that just happen to be together. Noah kicked Sindel and the Ewok out of his place when they had nowhere to go. And there's no,

they don't really delve into why Noah is the way he is like at all. But then he immediately changes course and is like, like okay you can build your fire only fires can only be built in my house so by that logic i guess i have to let you in my house um yeah and i mean imagine like a four-year-old coming to your house and be like i have nowhere to go to get the fuck out it's like so mean with this like little ewok who now okay this movie it really did feel like this movie took some of my notes like as i like read my notes as i was watching the first movie and they were like okay we're gonna we're gonna make some adjustments

mainly we're gonna let the Ewoks speak English now. Just get to the point faster. But I wanted them to speak actual English. This was like little bits of English and slow talking and I was like, just talk. Well, they were taught by a four-year-old, Nicole.

Okay, fair. That is correct. What about the part where they were in that like, that like wagon? Yes. And then they like had to like. And then Sindel's like, Wicket's small. Wicket's smaller than all the rest of you.

And it's like, okay, shut up, you rude bitch. First of all, he's not. You're smaller than him. He's not,

but Wicket wasn't significantly smaller than any of the other no no she was just being rude no yeah she was and then what i kind of was like skipping a little bit at that point um just to kind of brush through it a little bit i was scrubbing and that part i was like okay so i guess they're gonna like cut a hole and put her in it or something so what ended up happening there there was just there was just a structural defect in the cage. That's all. That's all.

They were like, there's a hole in the bottom of this cage, but only the smallest among us can fit through it. And so they were like, okay, I guess it's wicked and Sindel. But again, I say all the Ewoks, except for the ones that are a little bit too big, were the same size and they could have all escaped. It was very strange. Yeah.

It's almost as though we were watching a movie, not a documentary. What about the part where that evil witch lady steals Sindel and throws her over the horse thing and it's just like legs hanging off of it. Do you see that? Yes, and also rushing through puddles. And I just kept thinking of Sindel's face getting splashed every

time that horse was galloping through the water because it was it absolutely would have happened and it made it filled me with so much joy. You imagine that. I was also so confused about the MacGuffin in this movie. I was so confused about like why

this like alien guy wanted it, like how he found out about it. The MacGuffin in this movie. I was so confused about like why this like alien guy wanted it. Like how he found out about. Yeah, what's. The MacGuffin is the power. It's like the object that like, you know, like every adventure, action adventure has like an object that everyone is like chasing

or looking for or like protecting. And like in this case, it's like something from their ship, but it's very it's not really explained very well why he's after it like it's sort of in you sort of get that like they're primitive but they also have laser blasters so yeah well now then that makes me ask the question is this in the future like all the Star Wars movies or is the past? Right? Because didn't we find out it was in the future?

Or was it in the past? Star Wars is in the past. I still don't get it. Which we just found out. I still don't get it. Which is so crazy. This movie takes place, well, I also want to say there's a huge, huge, I have a huge problem with this movie, which is chronologically

it takes place between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. So this supposedly takes place before Leia and crew end up on the planet. And what we see in Return of the Jedi is these creatures do not speak English.

So we are bound to, but Wicket is Leia's friend. So why is it wicked speaking fucking english in this in return of the jedi i ask you this george lucas oh i think i have an answer because cindel left and he had nobody to practice with oh that does happen i do if i don't get on duolingo duolingo sent me two emails yesterday and I was like, this is getting aggressive.

Dualingo was like, are you still alive? I get like weird updates from them. And Wicket was like, we want, we want. I don't want to learn anything. Click ignore. Okay, so together the four friends try to rescue the Ewoks facing off against a whole

army of evil marauders led by king tarik a witch named shiral and a bloodthirsty dragon shiral who can turn into um a blonde and a crow that is the extent of her magical powers the crow yeah i missed that i was like why is that crow taking off after cindel no yeah so there's a she she displayed she's a witch with two spells she can turn into a gorgeous blonde she can turn into a crow and that's the extent of her usefulness apparently and she wants the little girl which seems like something you wouldn't want yeah i that's so insane to me. Nobody wants that little girl. No, no, no, no.

You want to read some of this trivia? Yeah, so according to an interview with Warwick Davis, a second sequel known only by the working title Ewoks 3 was in the planning stages not too long after Ewoks, the Battle of Endor. The film, however, never got made, praise be. Oh my god. I will say, Warwick slays in this. He does a lot with a

little, I think. Can you imagine filming it? I mean, everyone in the Star Wars franchise, there's at least one person in a suit that's uncomfortable, but Warwick slays. I really got something from Warwick in this movie. And there's so much physicality in this costume.

They have to like roll around. And I mean, that seems really hard with that head on. He was 14. He was really Warwick. Davis was 14 when he shot this movie. Wow. That's so confusing. I didn't realize that.

Yeah, that's so good. I've been picturing an adult the whole time. He was. Oh, my God. OK've been picturing an adult the whole time. Yeah, a full grown adult. He was. Oh my God. Hmm. Okay, well, as with the previous film, this movie is a spinoff from the original Star Wars trilogy, but fans remain undecided as to whether these two films

should be considered part of the official Star Wars canon. Since the acquisition of Disney from Lucasfilms, this has now become part of Legends and therefore not canon. So I guess that's how they get away with that. Uh-huh. When the film aired on ABC in 1985, a viewer warning came on to warn younger viewers of the film's content. Tonight's continuing fantasy adventure of Siddal

and the Ewoks contains some scenes of suspense and jeopardy, which may be too intense for very young viewers. Parents are encouraged to watch with their children. The film is rated PG by the MPPA for mild, intense, slash disturbing images of sci-fi violence action in some startling moments. We are so desensitized now. I guess so.

We truly watched a whole family get murdered and we were like, okay, what's next? Well, we didn't really watch it though because what happens is she stumbles on mace and then a background body is laid on the ground no face shown and then we're not really there's no indication that she's dead at this point um we don't and then he drags his mother's lifeless body into a hut that then I think gets owned up. Oh my God. Yeah. That was really weird.

He was really strong. Yeah. Very strong. I can't believe he agreed. I mean, I guess he wasn't getting a whole lot of other offers, but if I got that script and I was like, you mean I do what in the first what minute?

Find somebody else. But like, when you think about this being on TV with that intense warning, and then like, we just have shows like how to get away with Murder on HBO where like kids can just see like people having sex basically. Oh my God. Okay.

So what are our new thoughts on Ewoks now that we've watched this? I mean, I had always thought Ewoks were my favorite and now I'm less charmed. I liked Ewoks not enough for a full movie and then after watching it I don't think I like Ewoks I really hate their teeth they really upset me and they're just like kind of bumbling like every so like also like the Chewbacca's what are they those are Wookiees Wookiees are also like kind of bumbling people too or creatures so it's like are any creatures in the Star Wars universe not bumbling do any or creatures so it's like are any creatures in the star wars universe not bumbling do any of them have their shit together they're all dogs with

varying degrees of like balance basically like that's basically all that's going on there i will say so i my favorite of the original trilogy is return of the jedi which is not like a popular opinion but i love closure and i love joy is that that's the third one of the origin, which is not like a popular opinion, but I love Closure and I love Joy. Is that the third one of the originals? That was my favorite too. I think that's the one I like too, yeah. Most people rep really hard for Empire Strikes Back because it's the darkest and it's the most adult and they

specifically cite the Ewoks as like the franchise sort of delving back into like family fun territory, but I think Return of the Jedi has the exact right amount of Ewoks. Yeah, I think so too. It's like really fun and like memorable. And that was the only one I saw as a kid

or that I remember. And all I remember was the Ewoks and I loved it. And there's something more fun about watching the Ewoks murder humans than murder these like strange alien creatures. Because you know, at those last moments when they're like storming Sindel and like all the traps are being set and they're like doing fun little catapults and like all that stuff is they're just trying to recreate the battle of Endor and return of the

Jedi where the Ewoks are like, and there's people like have problems with this. Cause they're like the empire is like such a powerful military force and they're sort of like done in by two by fours like etc and catapults but like I'm fine with it because the Ewoks have been around for a while and they don't get that way

by not being savvy with a two by four you know but yeah this was too much time way too much time spent with these fucking things Joel what is like your favorite Ewok adjacent type character? Like weird kind of side thing. So this was also sort of my problem with the new movies is that I found they kept trying to add too many of them.

But I would say I have two that I really do love. I do love a porg. We love the porgs. The porgs are fun and they are very cute and the exact right size. Did you know that there were like these real,

it was like penguins or ducks or something. Puffins. Puffins. I just mixed those two. That were walking around and they were like, they had to CGI them

out of the background so they made up porgs just to do that. I love that that I did not know that and then my other favorite also from the second movie the fish nuns I love a fish nun what's a fish nun

the fish nuns are from the second one I get them all confused Rise of Skywalker or whatever Last Jedi the fish nuns that are on the planet that Luke is hiding out on. And they're all like sort of, they're all sort of like, you know, like they're like frustrated with Ray because she keeps making a mess. Oh yes, I love them.

They're fun. Yeah, the fish nuns are my favorite new creations. But yeah, I guess I, but I didn't like in this last, I didn't like, like in the last one, I didn't like that they added a robot with PTSD. Like I just like didn't need, I didn't need Babu Frick. I love Babu Frick. See now Babu Frick is an example of a creature going too small for me. Oh, see, I liked how small he was.

I thought he needed to be slightly bigger, but I just felt like it was bait. And I was like, I'm not taking the Babu Frick bait. I took the bait. I took the bait really hard. Wait, did you like Baby Yoda? Did you watch The Mandalorian? I did watch The Mandalorian, and I did succumb to Baby Yoda.

I really did enjoy Baby Yoda. Again, perfect size. I wish all the Yodas were that size. That one is really perfect. So cute. Some of my friends got like the actual puppets from that like, or remakes of the puppets that arrived

because they were also backordered. They arrived like two weeks into quarantine and were so jarring to like, it's like no one's talking about baby yoda right now like what a time for babe like imagine forgetting you bought a baby yoda puppet and then arrives two weeks into a traumatic global event like it's not the time that is honestly so funny so you order a baby yoda you go about your life a global pandemic happens you forget you ordered it and then you're like ding dong what the fuck

i can't believe i wasted money on this um that said we did get ewok backpack i mean yoda backpacks from uh jake and amir and we were really excited about those that is exciting we've been talking about them for about 100 episodes where is yours where did you put yours lauren it's hanging on a chair in my dining room right now mine is sitting on a shoebox in my room and every morning i wake up and go there's a small child who's gonna kill me and then i go that's just yoda and it scared it like half scares me awake every fucking day. I have got to move it. You need to move it. It needs to be in a less unpredictable spot.

So many creatures, so many interesting creatures. I feel they could have, like, I would have loved like a canteen movie about. Yes. That would be fun. Literally anything. And they choose to do this instead. And that's why, like, i feel like we as star wars fans and i'm i'm not including you in this um we as star wars fans are the most put upon and and sort

of disrespected fan base because we put all our stock in someone who does not respect us and is bad at his job but this is why it's so confusing because you're fans yet you all hate these films it is true i always get confused i'm like wait well then what why are you a fan like i mean i love the original trilogy and i love the book series and i love a lot of the comic books and i love some of the video games but so just nothing else lives up to that no yeah i think like it really did like for me start as like it's something you have to come to as a child. Like I really do not think that if I watch Star Wars, I came to it like you guys are as an adult. I don't think I would love it nearly as much because I just don't think that it holds up. And I think like even rewatching some of the originals, which I will go to bat for a little bit harder than some of the other ones. You're like, Oh, this is for children. Yeah. But like,

there are kind of like, I'm sorry, but like, I love you. I know is such a great movie moment. I think like it is like, Oh, that part was that when Hans and Leah have a little moment.

Yeah. I think it's a great, I think it's such an iconic movie moment. And for a reason. And like, I think the, I think breaking Han great. I think it's such an iconic movie moment and for a reason. And like, I think the, I think breaking Han out of Jabba's palace, that whole cold open

is one of the best cold opens in like action adventure movie history. Wait, which one? In Return of the Jedi when they're all escaping from the Sarlacc pit and Leia's in disguise as a bounty hunter. You know. Nicole. I gotta say. He's in carbonite oh yeah okay yeah but truly like

after i see the movies and then talk about them i they leave they leave my that's how i feel too but then when we're quizzed we we ace it yes so there it does come back out. I said carbonite and you knew. I did because that's like the big bronze playing card. Yes. Where people are inside. Yes. Yes. Which I found quite terrifying as a child. I did not enjoy it.

I mean, it is scary. And then they use it again in the Mandalorian. That's how he scoops people. Oh. Right. You didn't get that far? What? You stopped at Amy.

You got to Amy Sedaris and you're like, I've seen enough. I haven't gotten to the Amy Sedaris part. Amy Sed't get that far? What? You stopped at, you got to Amy Sedaris and you're like, I've seen enough. I haven't gotten to the Amy Sedaris part. Amy Sedaris is in it? Yes. We are going to watch that. I think we are going to watch more of it, right? I don't know.

I think I'm going to decide it. It's all up to daddy and mommy head gum. They say Mandalorian, you say how much? Well, do you have anything that you'd like to plug yeah so me and matt rogers are doing a really stupid um recap podcast of our own called matt joel and the next al woods and it is about a little watched um reality competition show called legally blonde Blonde, a musical colon, the search for the next out woods that happened in 2008 on MTV. Yeah. And we just, we're about to record our last episode and it's all on Patreon.

It's Patreon slash Matt Joel L and it's like $5 for the entire season. And all the money is going to the eviction defense network here in LA, which is a nonprofit that's working to keep low-income families in their homes during this time. That's fucking great. Yes. So it is dumb, but it is for a good cause. And I would love for you to listen to that. And you can also listen to Urgent Care,

my other podcast with Mitra Tahari, which is not going to charity. It's going straight to charity. You have to get an income. Yeah. Okay. Well, Nicole, what do you want to plug um I have a book coming out on June 2nd it's called hashtag very fat very brave what or tomorrow or something is it based on

when this is yeah oh yes yes yes so it's here wow it's a self-help guide it is not a memoir as some people and good reads have reviewed it uh poorly because there isn't enough words. But I never said there was going to be more words. I have other podcasts. Why Won't You Date Me, Best Friends, Drag Her, 90 Day Bay. And nailed it on Netflix. Lauren, what would you like to promote? You can follow me on Twitter and instagram at lauren lapkus and i have a patreon uh under

lauren lapkus where i'm doing like watch alongs and improv podcasts and all sorts of fun stuff there's videos there's content lots of content already there like 40 hours or something up there now um and i i'm also in the wrong missy on netflix which you can watch on netflix like i said so that's that we did it We did it. We did it. Should we read a five Star Wars review? Oh, yes, let's do that. Of this movie? Of this podcast.

I was like, you guys found a five star review of the fucking Ewoks movies? Honestly, we would have to have them on the podcast if anyone reviewed the Ewok movie as five stars. I would love to have an interview with someone if anyone reviewed the Ewok movie as five stars. I would love to have an interview with someone who played an Ewok

and know all about this experience of making this movie. I want to know the backstory and the behind the scenes. Well, Warwick Davis is still alive, so I bet you could get him. You could try to get him. Yeah, maybe he would do it. Probably not. He'd probably be like, I don't want to ever talk about this movie. This review is called May the Force Fanfic You.

I read that wrong, but it's by gurs on ice mon motha paces the floor of the briefing room at echo base her incredibly long neck can barely hold the weight of the space atrocity she has witnessed a memory of bale organa whispering in her ear stirs something inside her a shiver runs down her spine, whether the memory of Organa and his queen Breha or from the frosty winds of Hoth, she cannot tell. A small cough alerts her to Princess Leia's silhouette in the doorway. Aunt Mothma, says Leia, are you thinking about my parents again? Yes, I miss their warmth beside me as we ate grapes in their bed on Alderaan, says Mon Motha, touching her extremely tall neck. Okay, says Leia. Well, I just wanted

to tell you about this dope future podcast I've been listening to where two of the best comedians of the future year 2020 CE learn about our wars for the first time. In a galaxy far, far away, they talk to huge nerds, and it's extremely funny. But Mothma is not listening, only dreaming of her two lovers

and how they had been exploded by the Death Star. Wow. Jimmy Smith's Bail by the Death Star. Wow. Jimmy Smits, Bail Organa. Yes. Love. We did see that. I love that.

I love the trivia of who played Natalie Portman's body doubles in the prequels, which is so fun. Isn't it like Kira Knightley? And Rose Byrne. Oh, I didn't know Rose Byrne, too. It's Kira Knightley and Rose Byrne play her attendants. It's so funny. I mean, it's so it's kira knightley and rose burn play her attendance and it's so i

mean it's so wild we all gotta start somewhere really look so much alike but yet they were all allowed to have three separate careers yeah interesting and yet here we all are stuck in the same podcast. Yeah, I guess if we all looked alike, we'd be on different podcasts. Oh my god. Well, it was all worth it to have this fun time with you, Joel. Yes, Joel, thank you so much. I was angry at you

for signing these movies, but I've forgiven you now because this was such a fun time. I'm so sorry that this is the movie I had you watch. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to everyone. I'm so sorry.

I really commend anyone who's so devoted to this podcast specifically that they watch the movies just to listen to the podcast. So do we. I mean, I have heard from some people who had never seen Star Wars who are going along with us to experience it, which I think is a fun way to do it. I mean, I have heard from some people who had never seen Star Wars who are going along

with us to experience it, which I think is a fun way to do it. Yeah. And then there's some people who aren't watching the movies, but they're just listening. So I love them for that. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, the craziest people are the ones who have not seen Star Wars, but listen to this without watching Star Wars. Or the smartest, because they know a little bit of information to talk to a man that's like super

into it that they're trying to date or woman or whoever. That is so true because you get like all the basic facts and you can make fun of it. Yes, you can steal jokes. Yeah, we're doing a service for people. Huge. Huge. Okay, well, thanks Joel and

Nicole. That was fun. I'll see you next week okay bye bye bye that was a hate gum podcast