Newcomers: Sports, with Nicole Byer and Lauren Lapkus - LOTR Fanfiction Pt. 2 (w/ Molly Ostertag)

Episode Date: November 17, 2020

It's about that time again! In Part 2 of Lord of the Rings fanfiction, Lauren and Nicole are joined by graphic novelist and writer, Molly Ostertag, to get weird, goofy, creepy, and super cute with a fresh batch of fics.This round of fanfics truly runs the gamut of genres and moods. From the antics of Peepee the small stupid hobbit, to Lady Gollum's pursuit of rings and love, to (of course) some Sam and Frodo slash, there's sure to be a little something for everyone here.Like the show? Rate Newcomers 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts and let us know what LOTR media you'd like the series to cover.Sources for this episode:The LOTR-themed military spy satelliteFan Fics:The Very Secret Diary of Gandalf the GreyThe Mellon Chronicles ExcerptA Royal Wedding NightAdvertise on Newcomers via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Wow! I'm Nicole Byer. I'm Lauren Lapkus. And guess what? We are experiencing Lord of the Rings for the first time! And this is the 14th episode of this season. We have six more to go. And then I never have to think about Lord of the Rings ever again in my life. And I cannot wait for the day. I'm so excited. Yeah, I'm excited, too. Unfortunately, you know, I think what this is making us realize is that we really like Star Wars, which is maybe. Yeah,

yeah. I most surprising things to come out of all of the love Star Wars. What a dream Star Wars, which is maybe the most surprising things to come out of all of this. Love Star Wars. What a treat Star Wars was. I gotta say, I think I said it in another episode, Star Wars was goofy at times, and I appreciated that. Lord of the Rings is just so serious, and for me,

not, there's no teehee-ing besides those little trolls in the river, the barrels that made me tee there's very few and far in between tee hees well i'm excited for today because we are taking a break from the films for a moment to return to a highly requested topic which is fan fiction uh now if you're out there and you've never heard of fan fiction, it's stories written by fans featuring characters from a particular series. So we learned about it and read some crazy Star Wars fan fiction

on a couple episodes last season. And we read our first Lord of the Rings fan fiction a few weeks ago. So you can listen to those episodes first for context if you want it, but this will be pretty self-explanatory. And we're going to dive into more Lord of the rings fan fiction right now and read some more original writings and i must warn you uh this episode will be very explicit and there will be explicit language although mine's not as explicit as it was last time so i think mine also isn't uh because i i had a really like lofty goal with this and like uh like a big premise that like

I don't know if it pays off and I don't know if I did it good see last time I feel like I really learned that it doesn't have to be gross like I feel like every time we've done this our guests will be like no fan fiction can be like really sweet and I'm like I still feel like there has to be dicks and stuff and like I I now this time I tried to change it a little bit, but it's still, it is still sexual, but it's hard for me to stay away. Um, whatever. We'll get into that in a little bit. Let's introduce our guests. Now our guest today is Molly Ostertag. Molly is an award-winning graphic novelist and writer known for her webcomic Strong Female Protagonist and her graphic novel series The Witch Boy, The Hidden Witch, and The Midwinter Witch, and for her work on the horror comic book series Tales of the Night Watchmen. Welcome, Molly.

Hi, Molly. Hello. Thank you for having me. Thank you for doing this. We're very excited you're here because you also said before we started that you have an earnest, you know, energy regarding the Lord of the Rings stuff. And we really need that. Yeah, I've gone on a like real deep dive this year of like letting myself become like a truly embarrassing Lord of the Rings fan. And so I'm I'm here. It like occupies about like 50 percent of my waking thoughts.

Like I'm I'm here to just. I know it's really inconvenient. I have not gotten work done for so long how did you get into Lord of the Rings was it only this year or had you been a fan for years and it just came to a head if you will say this year I yeah I grew up watching the movies they came out when I was like nine or ten which was a good age to like really fixate on them and I also had no friends so I was like nine or 10, which was a good age to like really fixate on them. And I also had no friends. So I was like, this will be my personality. And then I like got a little older and I was like, okay, maybe this is embarrassing. I have to step back from it. And then I just feel

like this year I like left the concept of embarrassment behind in 2020. I'm not seeing people. I don't have coworkers right now. I'm'm just like I'm gonna go fully into like how much I love these these hobbits and like their beautiful romance and like them saving the world so that's great okay you said romance yeah what romance do you know about that I don't know about the romance that I think is is truly in the story is between Sam and Frodo and I know I listened to like your first episodes with the movies. So like, I know that you picked up on it too, because you're a person of taste. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like we, we definitely saw it a bit, but wanted more to happen. Yeah. And wanted something to confirm it. And then at the end when Sam like marries that woman. That like taller woman. I know, she's a lot taller than him. It was disappointing. Yeah.

Very disappointing. I feel like, like, yeah, I mostly was a fan of the movies and I always like, I kind of ship them a little bit when I was younger, but I was like, oh, it's like gay. And I'm like self-conscious about that. And now I'm like, as an older gay adult, I'm like, I see myself in these characters and in their relationship very much. But this was the first year that I sat down and like really read the book and I wasn't expecting the book to be so much more romantic like there's the movies are like low-key about it and the book is like very very tender um so it brought me a lot of joy

to kind of like read it and be like holy shit this is like this is happening we are doing this um we are having a beautiful romance well is there a payoff in the books like do they fuck unfortunately no i don't think anyone fucks in middle earth at all like i don't think that's a thing that people do unfortunately except in fan fiction but they yeah they move after the quest after they like save the world sam still marries rosie the taller woman but they move in with frodo frodo's like would you like to come live with me sam and sam is like well i technically said i would marry rosie and then frodo's like you can all come in i have a big house and so they live together for years eventually frodo goes to elf heaven um and then sam follows him eventually and they like live together in elf heaven that's really sweet wait and then does rosie follow her husband to elf heaven or she's

like i'll stick down here no she stays it's like he has a life with rosie they have like 15 children or something and then i know it's like oh the hobbits i don't know i don't know what their anatomy is like do you think that they like pop out like little gremlins when they get wet it's possibly a litter situation like it might be like yeah yeah yeah 15 at once yeah but yeah yeah so he has like a full life with her she like dies an old age and then he gets on a boat and it's like time to go see my boyfriend after 60 years after 60 years wow well thank god they didn't do that in real time

in the movie they pretty much did I was so mad I was so listening to you guys talk about the movies I had this like second hand embarrassment

where I was just like I'm so sorry like they're so long and so hard to understand they are very long and I mean we've said that maybe a thousand times

so I'm sorry to everyone that I just said it again but but there were things we've definitely found things to enjoy and like things that we found like funny or cool or whatever um i think it is just like the length really makes it hard for us to get totally invested because we get lost and then we're just like okay i'm i can't i can't figure out what's going on even though we've read you know we've now heard these stories in like 10 different forms and we're still like, oh, that's what happens? Did you guys watch the animated films?

Yeah. Oh boy, yes. Those are really wild. Those ones are so strange. They really are. And I'm thankful that's in the past. Me too. Speaking of the past, Molly,

this past September, you guested on another podcast called Lord of the Rings Minute, where the host dedicated an entire 20 minute episode to discussing Lord of the Rings films. One minute at a time. You were on episodes 206 to 210, meaning you spent an hour and a half talking about five minutes of screen time. How difficult was it to stretch one minute of film time into a 20 minute analysis? You know, I feel like we did it pretty well. I took it as an excuse to just like spiral off and talk about the things that I like, but we can kind of get into it. I mean, we could be,

I feel like when you get really into the movies, when you like the actors and everything, we can be like, Oh, is that Ian McKellen or like running across the field? Or is that like a stunt double? Like you just get really into like these little nitpicky things that are not fun for anyone except for someone who's slowly going insane in quarantine. So wait, how many episodes did they do of that? Because I mean, that must have been one minute at a time. Yeah, it was like the ring destruction scene. So they had, had I guess done the rest of the movies I don't I don't know how they must have started 10 years ago I really don't

but it was kind of delightful to just like go through it really minutely and I don't know are there any other like movies you could do that with or tv shows that you love enough no like this is really the one thing. And I've always, cause like I make, I make comics and I work in animation. So I try to like, like say a little bit outside of fandom culture. And this is the one thing that I'm just like, absolutely feral for. Like I'm just going for it. Why do you feel like you stay away from it? Like what, what are the reasons when you're in that world? I think it's, there's just like a weird intersection sometimes. Like I think if's just like a weird intersection sometimes.

Like I think if I was in a fandom for like a cartoon that was like adjacent to a cartoon that I'd written on, there would be like weird crossover between like fans and creators. But Lord of the Rings, I'm just like Tolkien is dead. He's not going to see me tweeting like horny tweets about hobbits. But yeah, it's like a big relief. So I can kind of just have fun without worrying too much about like running into anybody although ian mckellen ian mckellen followed my twitter and like oh was like asking me about like hot legolas art so i was that was that was exciting that's exciting yeah it's very exciting i love ian i think he's i'm a gandhi gal i think he's so hot

gandhi's really hot you're right about that i feel like seeing watching these movies as a child and then like it's just like the people that i have crushes on in the movie like has changed over the course of my life but i feel like recently i'm like yeah gandalf has has a way about him. He does. He's very tall. He has very much BDE. He's strong, powerful, knows what he wants. He's a little bit vulnerable. He's a little bit grumpy. Yes.

He's three-dimensional. Yeah. Good communicator, usually. I think my headcanon for him is that he has fucked like most of the like ancient creatures in middle earth like i think he and the balrog that's like the oh my god i love that yeah i love to picture it um nicole is there any like sort of movie or show that you feel like you could talk about for a minute at a time and be deeply invested yeah 90 day fiance uh one of the

spinoffs the family chantal there is a scene where chantal's mother brings a crock pot to bang or i think it's bangkok no where are they oh a thriller in a Thrilla in Manila. They're in Manila. So she brings a crock pot and says she's going to bring it to restaurants and ask them to hook it up if they don't have anything for her to eat. I could talk about that for hours. Oh, my God. That is so funny. It's so funny. There's a lot to get into there.

I don't watch Family Chantel because they make me so mad. Oh, you'll get livid watching this. It is so funny. Lauren, what about you? I don't watch Family Chantel because they make me so mad. Oh, you'll get livid watching this. It is so funny. Lauren, what about you? I don't know. Maybe Real Housewives. I just started watching Real Housewives of Salt Lake City and it's fucking amazing. It's perfect.

They're incredible. Every single person is insane in some way. One woman is married to her step grandpa. I lost my shit that was so so okay Molly I don't think you've matched it I like drawing all the cheese in my head her grandmother was married to

a man that was not her grandpa so that's her step grandpa and in her will she said that she wanted one of her girls to take care of him she steps up and says I'll do it she's also a minister. Also, she has the most expensive clothes, but doesn't know how to accessorize them or wear them.

Oh my God. And then she gets mad at Jen. Or no, she says Jen smells like a hospital, even though Jen had just come from the hospital where her aunt had her legs amputated. And she's like, I mean, the legs aren't there. These women are nuts.

I love them. And she's like, I have an aversion to the smell of rotting human flesh or whatever it's like yeah most people everyone does wait this is okay this is real housewives yeah so this is like a brand new this is a brand new spin off you can get in at the ground floor oh my god it's funny i've been bachelorette has been i've been losing my shit oh my god i don't i'm not only lord of the Rings I also like I respect that

Bachelorette's insane this season I know We just got Tayshia I'm very happy about it I feel like Tayshia might be the best Bachelorette ever She's very real

and like knows what she wants and is coming into it as like the second fiddle so I think it's kind of good like she's she's very direct I hope

I haven't watched like the last two episodes I hope everyone's nice to her. I can tell that these boys are all kind of traumatized. I'm worried for them. Yeah. Yeah. It's very pathetic how, how like ruined they were.

I've just never seen. It's like, she like had 20 men like whipped in a week. I know. I don't understand. She had entered into a like toxic relationship with 20 men so quickly. It's true. Broke all of their hearts. The scene where she came out and she was like,

I've just broken up with all the guys. It's so stupid. I love it so much. And apparently she's still with Dale. I follow a gossip site that says that they, that people have seen him on dates with other women, but then Dale and Claire both are using their Instagrams very effectively to make it seem like they are together.

Okay. And it's real. Now I'm, I sort of think it's a contractual obligation and that by the end of the season, it'll fall apart. I have a theory that she is like a criminal and dale is an fbi agent who has like studied her precisely and maybe has like a pheromone spray or something that like like he just is cheating in some way he

is like a grown in the lab yes something something's off something's up i love this idea that would be an amazing movie where this guy's like come in to like figure it out and take advantage of her and like get her and then gotta get close to her to find out the state secrets yeah okay well back to lord of the rings even though i really loved that um tangent but you co-create your web comic strong female protagonist with brennan lee mulligan who we plan to have on with us in a few weeks and so okay as middle earth enthusiasts has the common love of Lord of the Rings that you and Brennan share played any role in creating your series together? Or is that

just like a side interest? That's a good question. And it's sort of a project that's on hold. We haven't we haven't updated it for a couple of years, but we we've made two books together. I think it is just like I think what Lord of the Rings does in nerd spaces is that it's this very like common world that we can all come into together. So Brennan and I, we actually met. This is embarrassing. We met because we went to live action role playing summer camp. So we were like fully like in the fantasy world, like LARPing and wearing costumes. Was this as adults?

No, it was as teenagers. Oh, OK. Yeah. I mean, I was open for either option. Me too. I was like, as an adult, maybe I'll do it. That might be fun. It seems kind of fun.

I think it would be fun to go back to you. Quick question about LARPing. So like, it's live action role play. So like, do you arrive at LARP camp as your character and then you are your character until your parents pick you up? I, that is, no, that's not how we did it. I feel like there's different camps, different vibes. We would like show up and like, you like bond with everyone as, as your real selves.

And then you have like a night where everyone gets into character and you like put on your costume, you tape on your little elf ears and you just like go for it. Oh, that's cute. You were an elf? Sometimes. It was different was different oh you could be different yeah yeah it like every week it was like a different story oh yeah I know I was always angling to wear the elf ears though so so then like was there like sort of underlying drama within the LARPing about like real stuff that was going on between you and the people at camp? God, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Definitely. Like, like, I definitely had at least one experience of like, my high school ex and I are both like, we like just broke up. And now we're playing like,

warriors who are fighting each other. And I'm just really getting into how angry I am. Wow. Yeah, it was like good therapy. I was just about to say this is like therapeutic. And I like it. Yeah, it was a good thing for a bunch of dramatic teens to do. Molly, as an author, what are your thoughts on the world of fan fiction? Like what's your favorite subgenre? Yeah, so I've never read a ton of fan fiction before this year when I just started getting really into it. I love it. I mean mean I love it as an author

I think it's so fun that people like go into these stories and make their own worlds and I also with stuff like Lord of the Rings there's like this element of like telling these like queer and gay stories that like we never get those stories like we do not have an epic fantasy movie trilogy that actually has a gay romance at the heart of it. That's explicit. And so it's like the fan fiction allows us to kind of write ourselves into the world in a way that I think is, is really cool. So I find it, I find it definitely the ones that I read are very like narrative focused and very much just about like,

like they feel like they're in the genre of the movie or the book and they really just like, like are telling the story of these characters, except they're also queer in some way. So that's cool i think i think it's cool i think it's kind of transformative and fun yeah i feel like like we came into this not knowing at all what fan fiction was and we both thought it was just erotica yeah and then there's a lot of erotica there is a lot of it and then our friend madeline walter wrote like a devastating piece about this like woman and tattooing like who's in the first two seconds of star wars and i was like this is the most beautiful take and i i cannot bring myself to do it i i truly like we'll sit down i'm like i only can

write goofy dumb shit i can't i don't know how to be vulnerable and write fan fiction that's fair, mine is very vulnerable. It's like definitely like one of, as someone who's written a lot of work that's published, this is possibly like my most personal piece. And I'm like, it's about fucking Frodo and Sam. Oh my God. I'm so excited. I truly can't wait to hear it. Oh, well it's really, I mean, okay. I'll maybe read you a section. It's very long. It's the length of a book. This has been, this is what I did this summer. I like wrote a book that was Lord of the Rings. Okay. That's very impressive. Wild. I love that. I don't know. It's 2020. It's

just a weird year. There are no rules. Yeah, exactly. But I, yeah, the first I like when I was a kid and I was really into Lord of the Rings I read all of the Tolkien and everything and then I was like I'm I'm 12 I'm gonna go online and just search like Lord of the Rings stories to find more stuff to read and I found a website that was like a treasure trove of stories and I was so excited and I didn't know about fan fiction so I assumed that they all were written by Tolkien and the first one I clicked on was this like extremely X-rated like dwarf elf orgy. Oh no! Like just things that I did not know about as a 12-year-old.

There was like dwarf beards being used in a way that I don't think is sanitary. Like it was really a lot. And so I sort of like didn't read fan fiction for a long time after that. So I was like, this is a bit much for me. It's so crazy how like as a kid if you see or read something like that you never forget like I feel like I just have these things burn into my brain that I wasn't supposed to see and I'm like I'll just never be able to erase that I know I remember like specific lines from this fan fiction I'm like Gimli and Legolas going at it and just

slowly reading it and being like I don't think the the J.R.R. Tolkien wrote this. That's very cute. I think this is someone else. That's truly so funny to think about a kid being like, I don't know. I don't think he wrote this. I don't think he wrote it. It's like the word choice is just weird.

Yeah. Okay, well, shall we jump into our Shirewire? Hell yeah, dude. This is our news segment. Now, next U.S. military spy satellite launch has inexplicable Lord of the Rings theme. Okay, so a United Launch Alliance Atlas V, or V, rocket,

I don't know if it's V, is set to send a National Reconnaissance Office spy satellite into orbit from Florida's Cape Canaveral Air Force Station. Though information about NRO launches is always a little scarce for obvious reasons, this one looks to be relatively routine, except for the baffling mission artwork that includes a phrase in Elvish.

You just said a bunch of words together. I really did say a lot of words. But so I guess just to sum it up, I think a rocket's going into space and they put a picture of it and then behind it is elvish and it says goodness persists but then it's also written in elvish and i don't know why and a united launch alliance spokesperson said the artwork and theme came from nro which declined to explain the reference to Middle Earth. Maybe this fucking spy satellite's going to Middle Earth. Oh my God.

Well, that would be interesting if it was in space this whole time. So exciting. That would be a big twist. So it's not unusual for NRO to pick a quotable phrase and theme for its mission posters. Usually they involve some phrase in Latin and some sort of mythic character like a Pegasus or Thor, but we'll likely never know the details about this bewildering theme, just as we'll probably never know the specs of the satellite being launched. Well, I find that

very interesting and weird. I had no idea that they would use themes like that on a rocket. Like, why? It's just for fun? It's a spy satellite. It's a it's just a yeah a spy satellite i hate that yeah i kind of hate that too i think it's creepy yeah yeah like why does the government want to know like what i'm doing i lead a like a rather normal boring life why are we being spied upon i don't know it's like i don't trust anything to not be spying on me, but I've kind of just accepted that. Yeah. Like our computers, our phones. It's truly insane that we're like, okay.

If you post everything on Twitter or Instagram, you are doing the work for them. So it's like, fine. I'm like, you can't spy on me. I'm already sharing. You already know everything there is to know. Oh, that's such a go. Okay.

I thought I was taking it the opposite way. Like I'm making it so easy for them that I'm the problem. But no, I like it. How? Yeah, I like how you said it. Yeah, I like it. I'm making it easy. So like, leave me the fuck alone.

And I'm showing you everything that's going on. I do a podcast about Lord of the Rings. You don't have to spy on me. You know this. There's no surprises here. Should we take a quick little break? Let's do it. We're back.

So let's get into this fan fiction. Okay. So we have some stories from the internet, and they will all be linked in the episode description if you want to read along, if you're a visual listener, learner, whatever. And we also wrote our own, as we've said. So we'll take turns reading a little bit of this fan fiction.

What do you say? Yeah, let's do it. So this first one is The Very Secret Diary of Gandalf the Grey by Cassandra Clare. fan fiction what do you say yeah let's do it so this first one is the very secret diary of gandalf the gray by cassandra claire this very secret diary is really cute he like writes in it and he's like nobody can see it uh but this fiction this fic is taken from a series by cassandra claire known as the Very Secret Diaries, which chronicles the diary entries of various Lord of the Rings characters. This one's Gandhi's diary.

So here it is. Day one, in Shire, stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me or was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along? Oh my God. I did not think that was going to happen. I truly was like, this one's cute.

It's like diary entries and masturbating happened. And we got to the second sentence. And I love how short these diary entries are. Okay. So day two, it's Bill, Bill Bow's birthday party improved by substantial amounts of Hobbit weed. Everyone show.

Nice. Bill Bow. Nice too Everyone, show nice. What? Bilbo, nice too. Lights, show pretty. What is this? Frodo, not bad either. Hobbits, show friendly. What fell over?

I don't know what that means. Whoops fell over? Oh, whoops. Or yeah, whoops fell over. Day three, massive fucking hangover off to mina's thrife for some aspirin day 12 went to sauron for advice about ring but he had become evil nobody tells me anything apparently there was a memo a rat aagaz, Rastafari in the brown. Probably stealing paper out of my inbox again. Day 13. Stuck on top of tower.

Great view, but constantly pelting sleep. Not good for pointy hat. Am amused self by spitting gum down on orcs. Day 14. Visit again by Sauron who tried to grab a feel. As if. Oh my God grab a feel. As if. Oh my God. Day 16, I am lonely.

Saruman may be not so unattractive after all. If only were not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge claw-like fingernails. Okay, you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before. Day 19, escaped. I'm in Riverdale. Sam's slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo baths. Elle's all out of strawberry scented soap now.

L. Ron Hubbard's getting annoyed. L. Ron Hubbard has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get into the first floor bathroom. Big Foldero about Ring have agreed to go with fellowship in case sam might decide to give me a bath could use one this is long uh day 20 elron hubbard has decided to send frodo away oh wait no i said that day 21 argorn is obviously into frodo sam will kill him if he tries anything ask sam to to give me a bath. He said, ha ha, Mr. Gandalf, you're not serious. Useless git.

Day 23. V cold on top of Kataratas. Aragorn one fight about who got to carry Frodo up the mountain. Bromir sulking if Legolas keeps nancing about on top of the snow, I might have to hit him with my staff. Day 25. I don't want to go through the minds of Moria as suspect Balrog is still angry about the bad date.

He went on back in the second age. Day 26. In minds of more Mora. Yeah. Balrog still angry. Day 27. Fell into shadow. Balrog,

such a prat had to do some quite unspeakable things before he would let me leave the caverns he uh decided to not to tell the rest of the fellowship we'll make up story about having engaged in huge battle instead off to see elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns and embarrassing places treated hope elrond does not laugh at me. If he does, we'll tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha! Wow. Yeah. It took us through a full month. Truly. It was written in like a weird shorthand.

I feel like I've seen inside Gandalf's mind. Yeah, this really gave me a lot of insight into what he's thinking. Yeah. It's like a beautiful character study. I told you, they're exes. He definitely fucked with Elrod. Yeah, you're right.

And did again. Lauren, do you want to read yours? Okay, yes. Okay. This is called The Mysterious Doors by Lauren Lapkus. Snow falls around a beautiful, frosty, frozen, cold ice castle in Middle Earth. It looks like it's made of glass or ice.

It looks cold. One of the eagles flies past it and tosses something into one of the highest windows. Ah, it's PP, a small, stupid hobbit. Not quite the soft landing I was hoping for, he complains as he rubs his head. Little birds fly around his head as a lump rises out of it. He shoos the birds away with way more energy and force than is required and falls over again from his own dramatic movements. He looks around and sees he is in the tower at the top of the castle. There are two closed doors behind him.

Wonder what's behind these doors, he says aloud to nobody. He walks up to the first door and knocks three times. The door creaks open slowly to reveal a glittery purple room with a velvety king-sized bed off to one side. A stripper pole divides the space. What's going on in here? He manages to choke out into the jasmine-scented air. Suddenly, music comes blaring from some hidden speakers. It's a remix of Leonard Nimoy's song about Bilbo Baggins

entitled Wet Ass Baggins. A disco ball comes down from the ceiling and throws shimmering light onto every surface. Just then, a stunning elf that looks just like Nicole Byer, but with pointy ears, slides down the pole. Pee-Pee gasps. Niccolo Bye-Bye, is that you? The music gets louder and Niccolo Bye-Bye does a few very impressive moves on the pole.

Then she stands right next to the pole and leans against it. Pee-Pee thinks the show is over and he is about to clap when Niccolo Bye-Bye puts her arm out to the side and snaps her fingers. A stringy haired nude golem slides down the pole onto her arm. They kiss long and hard. It's part of the performance and Niccolo Bye-Bye is relieved when the song and kiss both end. She flings him from her arm onto her luxurious bed. Get in your crate, she commands. He crawls off the bed and into a small box in the corner.

Nicola Bye-Bye finally acknowledges Pee-Pee. What? She asks in point blank. Oh, nothing. I just got dropped off here and got curious about what was behind this door. Like what you see? Nicola Bye-Bye asks. Yes, yes, I do.

Very much. Peepee stammers. Well, then you'll like what's behind door number two as well. Now get the fuck out of here. She pushes Peepee out of her chamber and closes the door. Back in the harsh light of day, Peepee struggles to open his eyes. He is exhausted from that exciting encounter, but decides he must know what is behind door number two. He knocks three times. This is where it gets weird, if you can believe it. This is where it gets weird.

This is where. Okay. The door creaks open. The room has a magical light to it, beckoning Pee-Pee to come in. He looks around and sees that one wall has 100 small doors built into it. Pee-Pee tentatively walks up to the wall of doors and opens one of them. He puts his eye up to the door hole and sees fellow hobbits Nicky-Y-Gee-Gee

and Mitchy-Mooch kissing playfully. Nicky-Y-Gee-Gee and Mitchy-Mooch and throwing leaves at each other. He quickly slams the door shut

and opens another. It is, it is, oh, in it is one scene from the biopic Tolkien. Phoebe watches for one minute then becomes suicidal

so he slams the door shut. He opens the next door and watches the entire animated Hobbit film. Wow, I've heard a lot of good things about this, but it's actually really boring,

he says when it's over. He's about to open the next door but thinks better of it and rushes back to the first door. He whips it open and sees Nikki Waigigi and Mitchie Mooch reading love letters to each other on a picnic blanket in an area that looks like the Teletubbies' grassy knoll. Pee Pee stares longingly at them, and so does the baby in the sun.

Nikki Y. Gigi and Mitchie Mooch feel someone staring at them, and they turn to look at Pee Pee. Sup, you want in? Pee Pee looks from left to right behind him to see if anyone is looking. Yeah, he says as he starts to climb in. He's halfway through the door before Nicola Bye Bye walks in. Has anyone seen my gandy peen? Hey, you better not go in there. That will change the balance of everything.

But it's too late. The room starts to shake as Pee pp falls into the other middle earth dimension nicola bye-bye struggles to catch her balance as the earth shifts beneath her the ice tower falls to the ground and the earth cracks open the castle breaks into a million pieces as nicola bye-bye falls into the hole ah she screams as she flails her arms and legs all around just when it starts to seem like all hope is lost nicola bye-bye falls into the warm loving embrace of gandhi's giant arms he cradles her like a baby let's get you into something more comfortable he whispers into her ear they kiss and turn out to the camera and a cartoon heart forms around their heads the end i love it also i love that wiger and mitch were in it and i'm wearing a dough boys

fucking t-shirt right now oh amazing Molly it's just a reference to one of our friends I don't know if you know about the dough boys but I had to throw them in there because I love it where the hobbits making out yeah I wanted something horny to happen how do you feel about being being written about in such a way. I really loved it. It touched my heart. I love that in Middle Earth, I'm like confident and can slide down a pole and have a whole thing with a column that I suffer through. It was so funny.

You didn't have to write that, but you did. I love it. It's funny because I wrote something a little bit for you. Oh, my God. That's great. See, well, last time we were talking about fan fiction, someone mentioned that people put themselves in it. And I think you had a little bit with your previous one.

Yes. But we hadn't really thought about that before that. And then this time I was like, oh, that's fun. That makes it more exciting in my mind. Well, I like that you guys did each other that's very that's very fun instead of doing a self-insert you're like yeah you get to be held by Gandalf yeah I wanted you to have what you wanted I just I love Gandhi it's funny that like when I was writing the fan fiction it never occurred to me to write about Gandalf maybe it's because I hold him so high in my brain. I really love Gandhi.

It would be too vulnerable. Yes. You can't show that side of your heart. Yeah. Yeah. It's deep. Should we read Tears Like Rain from the Melon Chronicles? Yes.

Molly, do you want to read this one? Sure. Okay. All right. Tears Like Rain from the Melon Chronicles. This is an excerpt from the first installment of the Mel chronicles series a widely known fanfic throughout the fandom for fans of aragorn legolas friendship stories these are basically considered classics and often are stories in the fanfic genre of hurt comfort usually with either legolas or aragorn being

tortured and the other coming to their friend's aid um okay okay mirkwood has suffered there's a lot okay you kind of totally jump around by the way okay this is like this is long Mirkwood has suffered

tragic losses in the last great alliance including her king with the very survival of the kingdom at stake Thranduil finds himself at deadly odds with his older brother

Doraflin when young Legolas becomes a pawn in his abusive uncle's ruthless power games the lies deception and betrayal risk destroying more than just the young prince's life when young Legolas becomes a pawn in his abusive uncle's ruthless power games the lies deception and betrayal risk destroying more than just the young prince's life this is so intense wow okay

but see you're gonna be you're gonna be pronouncing names right and we're gonna be so impressed I don't know who Dora Flynn is that's this is a new character okay well Thranduil Thranduil was impressive that that's Lee Pace in the Hobbit movie. Ah, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Dora Flynn quietly insinuated into almost all aspects of Legolas' life after that. He was careful, however, to avoid letting his actions be noticed by the boy's father or mother. This is so creepy already.

Granville was not so hard to avoid. Elva Wen, on the other hand, could be quite a nuisance to his plans, sometimes simply because she spent far too much time with the child for his liking. Still, Dora Flynn had the capacity of being supremely patient when it suited his purposes. Legolas had to trust him first. Then the true molding could begin. Is this, like, incest-y? See, I get scared when they get like that.

I know! We had one once where we were like, let's cut this out. It was terrifying. Is it? Wait, who's incesty? I'm so, wait. Well, it's just, it's just his uncle talking about like molding. Okay. I'll give it, I'll give it another shot.

We'll see. We'll see. Maybe it's just a word choice. I just, yeah. It was almost two weeks later that Legolas first began to see a possible darker side to his new training. Legolas's tutor had left him about an hour before, and the young prince was stewing in his rooms. Today hadn't gone too well. His instructor, Lord Dridian, informed him he was not paying

enough attention to his studies and said that he was going to talk to his father. The door opened, and Legolas half expected it to be his father, but it was not. It was his uncle. Okay. be his father, but it was not. It was his uncle. Okay. Doriflann had met Dridian in the hall when he tried to see the king. His brother was busy, he said, but if it concerns Legolas, he would take the message to him later. Thranduil would never get the message. The elder elf walked across the room, running his fingers across the pile of scrolls and haphazardly stacked books that Legolas had shoved to one side of his table in frustration. Your father is not pleased with Lord Drudion's report of you, Legolas.

Legolas looked down. He hadn't suspected he would be. I'm sorry, Vede. And there's a note. Vede means uncle. I don't mean to vex him so much. It's just all the names and dates and facts. They're so hard to remember sometimes.

I know that's no excuse, though, he added quickly. Dora Flynn nodded slowly, gesturing for Legolas to come to him. The prince did. I told your father I would help make sure your marks improved, and he agreed. So Dora Flynn picked up one of the scrolls near the top. Is this the one Drudian was using today? Legolas nodded. I've been going over it again since he left. I will do better next time. Legolas nodded. I've been going over it again since he left. I will do better next time. This is wild. This is just like, he's just quizzing Legolas. You also might have to go on for like 10 billion more pages. I'm like trying to find like the juicy part of this.

I know. When does it get good? Hold on. I'm scanning myself. Okay. Oh, okay. They start having a physical fight on the next page. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. We're going to skip ahead a little bit. Yeah, I think that's fair. To his credit, Gygolus really had done a comparable job of memorizing the information, but inevitably he eventually fumbled on a question and got the answer wrong. Gygolus started and yelped slightly in total surprise when his uncle slapped him firmly across the face with an open

hand. Dora Flynn liked the startled, pained look in the younger elf's eyes. He was sure his brother was far too lax with the child for Legolas to understand physical punishment. Oh my god. So he reverses his story. Oh no!

Backhanding his nephew the other direction. This is so crazy. It's not incest, but they do beat each other. They're going to be in the shit out of this child. It's child abuse. Yeah. Okay.

Glegelus backed up a few paces, utterly shocked and confused. Both his cheeks were flushed and hot, and he pressed the back of his right hand against one, looking to his uncle with wide, questioning eyes. Dauphin's face was impassively neutral. He acted as if nothing unusual had happened. That was the wrong answer. Try again. Legolas wasn't sure he wanted to, but he collected his thoughts and tried to figure out which part he had erred on. He spotted it without much difficulty and corrected himself, looking hesitantly to his uncle to see if he was right this time. Dora Flynn smiled and nodded. That's correct. He moved on again, posing another question and another until the prints missed one again.

Legolas didn't make a sound this time, but he still started sharply when his uncle struck him. He unconsciously pulled away a step, although it did no good because Dora Flynn just followed him. Oh no, this is horrible. He tried to correct himself again, but it was a question he was a little uncertain about, and it took him several tries to get it right.

Dora Flynn struck him for each wrong answer. Where's Aragorn in this? And the prince's eyes glistened with a dangerous amount of moisture. By the time he finally got to the right one, Legolas's breath came quick and fast, wobbling slightly. All right, enough study for today. Dora Flynn abruptly ended their session, rolling up the scroll and setting it aside. We'll do more later.

I don't think you're prepared enough right now. He brushed Legolas's flushed cheek with one hand, his thumb skimming under the prince's eye and catching the unspilt tear. Tears are for children, Legolas. You're an adult now. Please act like one when we're together. The reprimand was not exactly biting, but it was close. This is, I don't, this is weird, you guys. It is super weird. It is strange. All I'm thinking is I want to see who wrote it and I want to see them writing it.

This is, I just, I want, I need more info. Okay. Here's his, here's his justification. Dora fun smiled somewhat condescendingly. Legolas, Legolas, you have so much growing up to do. Don't take it personally. I am here for a purpose, to help you learn better. Pain is a teacher. It molds us, shapes us, hardens us to face the future. Yikes. Kids, don't listen.

When you first took up a bow, you hurt afterwards, did you not? Legolas nodded slowly. Yes, that was true. He often ached after practice. And if they weren't careful when sparring, the boys could hurt each other or themselves pretty badly. He understood the concept that if it hurt, you wouldn't make that mistake again. He supposed he had better stop being such a big baby about this. It's never okay if someone...

Yes, we clearly don't condone any of this. Never shy from pain, especially the pain I give you. Dora Flynn nodded approvingly when he saw the boy rationalizing it all in his mind. Legolas was so eager to please, and that made him supremely pliable. It is for instruction and for your own good. Do you understand that, nephew? Legolas nodded. Yes, Fede.

I'm sorry. I will do better. Wow. That's it. That's the better. Wow. That's it. Okay. That was heavy. And so this, this is categorized as hurt comfort because that's like, it just feels like hurt slash hurt. Well, I feel like this is a section and it's like, yeah, like the genre of hurt comfort for fan fiction is it's, it's just, it's like men getting injured and then other men like tenderly caring for them so I assume at some point Aragorn is going to come in and be like your uncle was abusive let me heal your wounds yeah okay so yeah our producer we're getting something in the chat yeah this is a tiny

snippet of the first installment so that really goes on no because he sent it to me and he was like are you familiar with this and I wasn't I wasn't and I looked because he sent it to me and he was like are you familiar with this and i wasn't i wasn't and i looked it up and it was one and a half million words long and i was like whoa that's wild okay so this is barely getting into the hurt section apparently and then we'll yeah it goes on yeah we're gonna get a lot of hurt i bet we'll get a lot of comfort later it'll probably go back and forth between hurt and wow like i feel like so normal for i just want to read about how that's like tenderly holding each other yeah i was like i just want them to be happy i'm not into the whole hurt thing i think it's a little i don't know it feels

it feels like it's coming from a place of personal pain yes and i think that's the part that's a place of personal pain yes and i think that's the part that's worrisome yeah there's something so interesting about fan fiction and how it's like so so overwhelmingly about male characters and it's this thing of like wanting to see men cry i think and like be tender and like express these feelings like i think you could write a million like gender studies papers about fan fiction and how strange it is but yeah yeah it feels like a whole different part of the internet that i just like i i truly go between like twitter and instagram over and over again when i could be diving on weird websites like this and finding like bizarre hurt comfort stories that i could it's you know it's like it's just it's out there to

like scratch a specific itch for people and it's it's like it's always it's if nothing else it's very interesting to just be like someone this is someone's takeaway was that they needed they needed to write this and then I understand it I needed to write about Sam and Frodo kissing for the length of two novels like I needed to do it I couldn't sleep until I did it like yeah yeah yeah. I think that's pretty. I think that's normal. So that is normal. Thank you. I think it's more normal. I'm into that.

OK, well, Nicole, do you want to read yours? Sure. OK, so this one doesn't have a name. I just titled it Lord of the Rings fanfic. So that's creative thank you Warren okay so precious precious I muttered to myself as I

scampered through the hills and valleys of Middle Earth I may be in Rivendell or Mordor who knows I sure don't all I know is I don't have my precious I come across a river flowing so freely and beautiful.

There's also a nice tree there. I climb the tree in a nasty way. Limbs flailing as if I wasn't used to my weird little monster body. A wisp of my hair gets caught in the tree limbs. Trunks? Branches? Yes, that's what they're called. I didn't...

It's just free-flowing. No stopping. Yeah, I wrote it free're called. I didn't. It's just free-flowing, no stopping. Yeah, I wrote it free-flowing, and I didn't edit it. I lay on a branch and take a deep breath and sing, My precious, my precious, all I want in life is my precious ring. La, la, la, la, la, la, my precious ring. la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la My eye catches a very blonde one who goes by the name of Orlando Bloom and is kissing a very dark elf. After they kiss, she pushes him away. I hear her say, I'm no sin cheating be bobin, which is I know you're cheating on me and elvish.

Wow. She rushes away and I and I just keep looking at this beautiful Orlando Bloom. Orlando looks sad and takes off running towards the field. So I chase after him as quickly as my weird body will let me he stops in my special tree and i peer from behind it he catches my eye and hops down we look at each other up and down and he catches my chin with his hand and says wow what happened nothing which is what happened to you wow i can't remember the translation i didn't write the English one. I looked up as I tell him through a flashback what happened to me. In a flashback, we see a beautiful black woman standing next to an equally beautiful woman.

Chris Harrison says to the handsome man standing next to him, who do you give your rose to? The handsome man says, Jen, which is not the beautiful black woman. rose to the handsome man says jen which is not the beautiful black woman the black woman withers a bit and yells out some indistinguishable stuff and runs out and runs out of the studio and chris harrison is just like oh okay that's cool and then the camera crew follows her like she's on mori as she runs through the halls and out the door one camera guy mutters she'll be back but she doesn't return she runs all the way to the, all the way to a field where she falls in a hole and comes out on the other side. Oh, boy, she's in Middle Earth. Then there's a montage of her muttering, my precious ring, my precious ring. How come you didn't give me a ring?

Orlando Bloom is stunned. He says to Lady Gollum, what's the bachelor? Lady Gollum says, it's too hard to explain. Suddenly, Darkwing, Orlando Bloom's elf wife, appears and says, you're cheating on me with her? Ew! Orlando Bloom says, no, I would never. This nasty, marriage-hungry creature has taught me

that I'm a one-elf boy, and I love you so much. They start making out. Then Man Gollum appears out of nowhere and scares Lady Gollum and says, hand! She takes his hand hand and then they reverse Shrek into beautiful people. And then they all have a foursome. And then we sweep up into

the sky where Gandhi's jerking off. The end. The Bachelor part was for you, Lauren. I got that. I was waiting for myself to appear, but then I realized it was The Bachelor and I was happy with that. That was an amazing twist. I love that. That was really exciting.

It really was. Real wild. I like how many worlds collided in that. That was great. And I like that it was in the first person. Oh, thank you. Well, I was going to be Gollum and then I was like, who wants to be Gollum? So I made her Lady Gollum.

Lady Gollum is a very upsetting concept. I feel like if Lady Gaga was be Gollum? So I made her Lady Gollum. Lady Gollum is a very upsetting concept. I feel like if Lady Gaga was Lady Gollum. I'm picturing the boob situation. I don't. I don't. No, yes. It would be bad. It would be.

It would be something. That would be sick. That was amazing. I thought it was beautiful, though, and I really loved it. Yeah. Thank you. It was affirming.

It was, yeah. I love it. Thank you. Thank you so much okay well i'm gonna jump into a royal wedding night by flame wolf oh now the summary is a look at what arwen and aragorn wedding night might have been like okay um following her new husband down the stone corridor she tried to focus on anything but how different this place was from Rivendell. Tonight would be her first night as her beloved woman, and she intended to show him just how much she loved him. Besides, she had pined for him the entire time he had been on his quest. Despite her father's best efforts, her affections for him had only grown, filling her heart to

bursting the moment she saw he was safe and whole after all the hardships he had weathered. It had been all she could do to wait for this night to show him just how much she had missed his presence. The creak of metal hinges brought her out of her reverie, ethereal blue eyes looking into those of her husband. Just thinking of him as such thrilled her to her very bones, making her shudder as the urge to kiss him took over her body. Full lips parting, her shudder as the urge to kiss him took over her body full lips parting the pallid beauty of rib and dow lean toward the one man that had conquered her heart as he bent toward her the arm holding the candle stretched out away from her with the arrogant arrogant smirk she so loved he was sweeping her into one arm before entering the room they would be sharing for the rest of

his short life oh my god because he's a human and she's an elf. Oh, okay, thank you. It's so weird. It's so weird. Kicking the door shut, the one known as Strider set his candle on a stone table. I think candle or candy.

What is that? Moving to the fur-covered bed. Laying his bride down carefully, the true king of Arnor and Gondor stood back to allow himself to admire her. Moonlit skin seemed to glow with its own light while she slowly set up, her dark hair standing out in sharp contrast against her luminescent skin. hooded, darkened, blue eyes, full lips parting as she took a pose of a nymph luring a man to his death. Breathless at the sight of her, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, removed the ceremonial armor he had been given for his wedding. The light from the fire in the fireplace danced off his tensed arms while he shed his undershirt, revealing the scarred body underneath. There were many marks of battle over his defined muscles, telling of the numerous fights

he had gotten into on his long journey back to the throne. Being a rogue that had earned quite a reputation, there was likely no number of men that had tried to make their name through his death. Still, he wore them like badges that they were, almost seeming proud of them. Sliding off the bed with otherworldly grace, Arwen floating over to her husband, delicate hands spreading over his hair-dusted pecs. Careful, blunt nails skittered over his skin while she met his gaze carefully. This close, a spicy, musky scent filled her nose, plucking at ancient instincts her kind had long since buried. Yet tonight she knew they would come in handy.

Reaching up with her right hand, she rested her palm against his cheek while standing up on her tiptoes to brush his lips with hers. What are they going to kiss? They're just brushing lips. The prickle of his facial hair drew a sigh from her as she instinctually leaned her body into him. His naked arms wrapped around his woman, his partner, the smell of exotic flowers overwhelming his senses. After years of restraining himself, of being able to see but not really touch, feeling her clothed breasts pressing against him was almost enough to drive him over the edge. As it was, he had to fight to remain gentle, his head tilting while the embrace deepened. For endless moments, they shared

air as their tongues danced, both parties reluctant to put any distance between their bodies. My husband just walked out on me. Did you hear the door slam? He was like, enough of this. It's over. I was like, I'm sorry, I don't have hair dust and text. I just keep reading

and he's taking his suitcase and he's like driving away. Do you want our tongues to dance? Aragorn is the one to pull away, placing a kiss on his beloved's forehead before spinning her to face the bed. Placing a hand on her lower back, he gently led her towards the bed, careful to pay attention to any signs of discomfort. The moment he thought she did not want to continue, he would stop immediately. That's for certain. Something, it turned out, he didn't even have to worry about.

Arwen went willingly, sitting on the bed with an expression that only added fuel to the flames growing inside him. She was a goddess, pale, perfect, and making him go to his knees. Wordlessly, his kisses the tops of her feet in worship, showing her how devoted to her he was. Watching her lover, this is long. Watching her lover, King, the daughter of Elrond, reached for him. Okay, they kissed. Then it was far too hot, too many clothes.

They take them off. And he lowered the top of the dress she'd worn for their wedding. The reverent expression on his features came close to making her giggle. Finally getting the point, he carefully grabbed the hem of her dress to help her move it.

Looking upon her naked flesh, she almost felt tantamount to sin, and he had to struggle not to avert his eyes out of respect. And then he laid over her once more. She wrapped her legs around his waist, daringly to hold him close.

Mouthing an unneeded apology, he moved forward, taking her virginity as shit. Biting her lip against a cry of pain, she leaned into the heat of his body for comfort while he stilled. After a few moments, the pain dulled, prompting her to kiss under his ear to signal him to move.

He began a slow rhythm, groaning softly in her ear. Sighing in response, she arched into her lover, her hands tensing on his upper back. Arwen growled in her ear as his movements grew quicker, more desperate. Feeling something tightening inside her, she breathed out his name as she nuzzled into his neck. Slowly, the feeling built into an inferno, pulsing and curling inside her to form something she had never

felt before. Gasping, she held on for dear life, lights flashing before her closed eyes. It felt like she was on the brink of something powerful, only her grip on her husband anchoring her to reality. Then, she was tipping over into a strange, pleasurable oblivion. Soon after, he was emptying into her. A hot substance filling her womb. That's not how you think of it. Some part of her hoping she would become pregnant, she reached

for her man and began to kiss him while his thrust slowed and eventually stopped. Panting, the new king pulled them both onto the bed, wrapping his arms around her while warm lips peppered and eventually stopped. Panting, the new king pulled them both onto the bed, wrapping his arms around her while warm lips peppered her face. I love you, my queen, hussed out of him as his breathing began to even out. As I love you, my king, she murmured, resting her cheek against his chest while she drifted off as well.

He was emptying into her a hot substance, filling her womb as one of the most upsetting things I think I've ever seen in print. I don't like that. If I wasn't gay, that would have turned me gay. It's repulsive. It's completely repulsive. And then the other one was his erection pressed against her

eager womanhood. Oh, I skipped that part, I think. Yeah, I noticed. I didn't catch it. I didn't see it. I would have read that. I had to skip a little bit or we would have been here all night long reading this one person's story. But OK, Molly, do you want to share a little bit of anything, even just a snippet to whatever makes you comfortable? Yeah. OK, well, would you guys would you guys rather hear like a little passage from my fan fiction where they're dating? Or would you rather hear like a romantic scene from the book? could read you either one oh i'm kind of curious about both okay what do you vote for

nicole let's see dating romance give me give me dating okay yeah okay so it's it's like after they've already gotten together so they go to rivendell river Riverdale. And Frodo is, like, injured and recovering. In my fanfiction, that's where they get together and start falling in love. And then they go on the cross together. So that is starting here. Okay. Then they were on the road. It was a strange kind of relief to just be doing the blasted thing.

Sam expected to be much more afraid out there in the wilds, but it turned out that exhaustion was a good antidote to fear. afraid out there in the wild, but it turned out that exhaustion was a good antidote to fear. The tall folks set a fast pace, and often he and Frodo, Merry and Pippin and the pony, ended up trailing behind, until one of them noticed and came back to keep an eye on them. Protected by four great warriors and a wizard, that wasn't a bad way to see the world, Sam decided. And there was another reason to be in good spirits, which was that Frodo had said that they were something sweet for the road, and now they planned to be on the road indefinitely. They hardly had time to talk to each other alone before they left, so Sam planned to follow Frodo's lead when it came to affection. He was surprised, and happily so, when on their first night seated

around a campfire, Frodo came and settled against his legs. Sam cracked his bread in half and passed them to Frodo, who shot him awake. Pippin scoffed as he helped himself to the kubbat. Unbelievable, Frodo Baggins. Frodo sat up sharply. What? Pippin pointed a sausage at him, shaking his head sternly. We are on a mission of utmost importance. Isn't that right, Gandalf? The wizard nodded sagely behind a cloud of pipe smoke. Venturing into the direst of dangers in the darkest of times, and you two sit here flirting. Merry snorted, and Gandalf choked on his smoke and Frodo let out an undignified squawk. Sam couldn't help laughing a little. Subtle, Frodo said to Pippin, shaking his head. From this angle, Sam couldn't see his face, but could see that his ears were bright red. Thanks for that, Pippin.

I thought that hobbit was the cook, said the dwarf, Gimli. I thought he was Frodo's bodyguard, said Legolas. Boromir looked confused. I thought they were all children. Now it was Sam's turn to blush. I'm almost 40, he sputtered. Boromir held up his hands looking surprised and Gandalf hit a laugh in his cup. Anyway, what does the road tomorrow look like? Frodo asked loudly and Strider mercifully launched into a description. Frodo shot Sam a rueful look, but he also reached up and threaded his fingers through Sam's. And later that night, they pulled their bedrolls together and Sam fell asleep with one hand resting light on Frodo's side

and nose buried in Frodo's curls. And that was that. That's so cute. That's so sweet and cute. Thanks. I'm watching so hard at reading it. It was legitimately good.

I really liked it. I liked it. I'm a good writer. I was like, I'm going to bring all of this to making my... I really... It was beautiful imagery. Like, I'm going to, like, bring all of this skill to, like, making my. I really, it was beautiful imagery. Oh, thank you.

I liked how you could only see his red ears blushing and couldn't see his face. It was very sweet. Little red ears blushing. Really loved it. Thank you for sharing. Thank you. I mean, I just think it would be really cute if they were dating. I wish they were.

For the whole time. I agree. And just kissing. I think it would make them happier. I think it would be nice for them. I agree with you. Yeah. I want them to date. I want Nicole to make them happier. I think it would be nice for them. I agree with you. Yeah. I want them to date.

I want Nicole to fuck Gandalf. And I want me to have a bachelor version of Lord of the Rings. I love the idea of being of a bachelorette Lord of the Rings where I'm the bachelorette. All the men of Lord of the Rings are there. And I don't I'm not going to date them, but I'm just going to like hang out with them. And make them fight each other. Good cocktail hours. And it would be so fun.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we've come to the end. Molly, is there anything you want to plug? Um, I, uh, you can follow, if you want to see me just talking nonsense about lord of the rings i have a alternate twitter account that's just um hobbit gay on twitter so that's like i draw a lot of

fan art for it so if you like need content that is where it is um and i have three graphic novels that are uh middle grade books they're for kids called the witch boy series up from scholastic yeah that's what i got nicole anything you want to plug um yeah i have a patreon where i talk about 90 day fiance it's called 90 day bae me and my friend marcy jarrow we break it down we talk about these wild people that i love it's truly a treat you should subscribe and then my instagram and my twitter at nicole byer There's like a little link tree and it tell you all the podcasts that I do. Lauren? I also have podcasts.

I have my podcast, Freedom with Scott Aukerman and Paula F. Tompkins. It's back now. It's free wherever you listen. So get into that. And I have a Patreon at patreon.com slash Lauren Lapkus where I'm doing watch alongs and improv and conversations and fun stuff like that.

And what else was I going to say? I think that might be it. Oh, I have a live show coming up with Wild Horses with our guest Kate Menig from The L Word. And I'm very excited. It's December 5th and it's going to be online and it's five bucks. So watch that. You can get tickets at Dynasty Typewriter. I'm going to watch it. I'm really excited. Dot com. Thank you. Oh my God, I oh my god i love her i like her i like her so much yes and she's very cool and i'm very excited and i can't wait so come to that show um and shall we read our little five yes battle of the five stars um this is dark one rocks by sandy com on Apple Podcast. Hello, Nicole and Lauren. I was happy to tee hee hee with you through Star Wars, which I didn't know much about,

but now I appreciate so much. I couldn't wait to see you guys trapeze through Middle Earth. I know Nicole meant for Dark One to be a joke, but I found her story to be very poignant. There are actually black and brown people in Middle Earth, but you don't see them in the films. Oh, interesting. I think it'd be really interesting if you interviewed a scholar to learn more about

tolkien's view on race i would say that he's a racist in the most literal sense of the term i.e. that different races have inherent characteristics but he wasn't necessarily a white supremacist tolkien was born in south africa and his mother took care to include the black servants in their family portraits which is not at all common at the time it's hard to say and his mother took care to include the black servants in their family portraits, which is not at all common at the time. It's hard to say how his mother's views on race would have impacted Tolkien since she died when he was so young. But there's a scene in the books where Sam

realizes that black and brown people aren't evil. Wow. They just happen to live closest to Sauron. Anyway, can't wait to hear the rest of the series. I like that there's a scene where they realize they're not evil so he's not racist that's so funny that is really interesting and also not covered in the film the biopic no they don't touch on anything they don't touch on we learned nothing from the biopic it was truly a waste of everyone's time and i don't touch on anything. They don't touch on, we learned nothing from the biopic.

It was truly a waste of everyone's time. And I don't really say that about many things, but like it was, it was, I was angry that it was made. Well, because we are, you know,

I'm more curious about how he wrote these books than I am about like his time at like school or something. Yeah, I don't give a shit about his friends in school. It wasn't, it wasn't an exciting story about, you know, his creativity, which I think could have been interesting or inspirations besides that one like war scene or whatever they kept returning to. But well, that's very interesting. Thank you, Sandy Calm.

And that may not be the last you've heard of Darkwind, that there may be a certain popular role playing board game will be getting into a couple of weeks where we'll have the choice to create our own characters and go questing with them. That's news to both of us. And I, it truly is. What game is this? What Dungeons and Dragons?

Is that, would you play that with Lord of the Rings or is that a whole separate thing? I don't think you would play it with Lord of the Rings. Okay. So maybe there's a Lord of the Rings board game. Okay. You guys are going so deep.

I love. That's what we can't believe. You are consuming so much content that that's what we can't believe you are consuming so much content that i have never ventured towards oh my good god okay well stay tuned oh no it's dungeons and dragons oh it is our producer just confirmed we're playing dungeons and dragons i'm i for one i'm scared but excited and i think it'll be interesting um and and we'll get to make our own characters and that is fun. Well, okay,

next week we're getting our feet wet into the world of Lord of the Rings video games. Okay, what? We're getting our feet wet? Does that mean we're gonna

get our feet even more wet later and do more about it? I mean, how many things are there? Our guest is the man who voiced the main character in the video game. Okay?

So we will see you then and thank you so much, Molly, for being with us today and for sharing your writing. And everyone go buy her books. And we'll see you next week. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. that was a Hidgum original