Newcomers: Sports, with Nicole Byer and Lauren Lapkus - Star Wars Ep. II - Attack of the Clones (w/ Mike Mitchell)

Episode Date: March 3, 2020

Oh boy, this film was so bad that Nicole and Lauren are regretting doing this podcast. Mike Mitchell (Love, Doughboys podcast) joins us in an attempt to defend what is universally considered the worst prequel in Star Wars. They discuss the odd dialogue, lack of Jar Jar Binks, and questionable romance subplot. Plus, the girls fantasize about 69-ing the sexy Kaminoan alien race, Mike shares some pornographic Star Wars images, and breaks down how Star Wars fans are so divided.Check out Mike Mitchell's other Headgum podcast, Doughboys.Sources for this episode:Jar Jar Binks on set photoMovie Mistakes Attack of the Clones triviaAttack of the Clones IMDBAttack of the Clones WookieepediaRoger Ebert ReviewRolling Stone ReviewSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Do you have any idea who's behind this attack? We will find out who's trying to kill you, Padme. I promise you. Escort the senator back to Naboo. She'll be safer there. I do not like this idea of hiding. Sometimes we must do what is requested of us. How dangerous and disturbing this puzzle is. You're using her as bait. I'm a Jedi.

A Jedi? What do you know? Follow that speeder. He went that way. This is a shortcut, I think. Anakin, how many times will you tell me? Stay away from the park, couplet. We decided to come and rescue you.

Good job. Hello. Hello. Hello. And welcome to Newcomers. I'm Lauren Lapkin. I'm Nicole Byer. And we've never seen Star Wars. So we decided that we wanted to watch them all. And talk about it.

And boy, do we regret it. Yeah. I'm back to regretting it. I know. Me too after this one. Oh, boy. We watched Star Wars Episode II, Attack of the Clones. And that movie.

It's too. Wait, we have a guest. Well, let's introduce him. Okay. We're joined by Mike Mitchell from the Doughboys podcast. He's from Love on Netflix. He's in the midst of shooting a very cool new movie, which we don't have to talk about if it's a secret.

I don't know. Oh, no. Yeah, no. Well, cool new movie, which we don't have to talk about if it's a secret. I don't know. Well, I was going to say, you didn't have to introduce. I would happily sit here and listen to the whole podcast. We did the whole thing. Yeah, imagine. Mitch has been here the whole time. He's listening. I had a big smile on my face. That's his kink. He's also

wearing a Yoda hat. He is, and we're going to get a picture of it. I love it. This movie was so fucking long, first of all. It's two hours and 20 minutes. It felt like four hours and 90 minutes. It felt like days. It felt like so long. It felt so long.

Four hours and 90 minutes? Very specific. It was very long. It kept going. I put it on when I was fully ready to watch it. And then by hour one, like an hour in, I was like falling asleep, couldn't even keep my eyes open. Then I kept checking the time, which was like a punishment to myself because I would see that there was somehow always an hour and 40 minutes left. It was like watching the first movie where time was added to the movie.

It was nuts. last. Yes, it was like watching the first movie where time was added to the movie. Yes. It was nuts. And then I was excited in the beginning because we got Jar Jar a little bit and I was like, ooh, Jar Jar's back. And then Jar Jar was in none of the movie. That's true. It was kind of nice

to see Jar Jar as much as like people hate Jar Jar. It was like, that's a fun character. Yes. If there's going to be a literal cartoon walking around with these people. I mean, I want to hear when you have this. Do you hate Jar Jar? I mean, I heard that you guys loved Jar Jar.

I feel fine about Jar Jar. Yeah, and Nicole specifically loves Jar Jar. Love Jar Jar. Jar Jar in this movie, like, makes a huge mistake. Yes, he does. It's insane. Yes. Which I don't know if that was because of the reaction to him in the first movie.

Because people didn't like Jar Jar. Well, yes. And he foolishly gives power to Palpatine. But people hated Jar Jar. Do you remember this at all? Yes. We got into it a bit. Do you remember this at all?

I knew the character because people hated it. Yes, that's why I knew it. I didn't know Star Wars, but I would know everyone hates Jar Jar Binks. That's just a known fact. He's fun. He is fun. He's really fun. Jar Jar is fun.

It was an overreaction. I think so. And then Ahmad Best, that's the guy who played Jar Jar. He's a great physical comedian. Yes, yeah. I bet you if C-3PO wasn't in the first ones and then they brought him into Phantom Menace, people would have been like, what the fuck is this guy?

It's just because it was new. There's some C-3PO in this movie as well. There is C-3PO and he comes too late. I was like, what? It was random. He also had his worst look yet. He was not shiny. And he also had his worst look yet.

He was not shiny. No. I don't know what. Parts of him were missing. Oh, wait. Okay, so Mitch, you like this movie? I can defend this movie. Okay, that's a very specific response. You guys have now watched what some people, I mean, which a lot of people consider the worst Star Wars movie.

Attack of the Phones? Yes. People think this is the worst prequel of them all. Well, I'm glad we're on the same page with people on this one. It feels good to at least know that if we're shit-talking something, everyone else feels the same way. Except you, apparently. I mean. You can see why it sucks, but you can defend it.

I think that the issue with the movie is that the first, like, 35 to 40 minutes of it, within the city where they have the chase with the assassin, all that stuff I think is not great. And the death sticks and all that. Let me remind everyone of the plot synopsis really quickly. Set 10 years after the events of The Phantom Menace, the Republic continues to be mired in strife and chaos. A separatist movement encompassing hundreds of planets and powerful corporate alliances poses new threats to the galaxy that even the Jedi cannot stem. These moves, long planned by an as yet unrevealed

and powerful force, lead to the beginning of the Clone Wars and the beginning of the end of the Republic. Okay, so that's kind of the loose, I mean, we have pages that describe pages and pages of shit it's it was honestly i found it pretty confusing yes too much was happening it was way too long it was like i felt like hayden christensen i started to understand what that the point of that storyline was like midway through. Hayden Christensen. I forgot that he's Darth.

Not to be rude. Is maybe the worst actor of our generation. Well, look. Wait. My God. Okay. I just got to say. You were heavy breathing over there. He's panicking.

I mean, you're also, I'm like holding in laughter because you're right. Natalie Portman. Oh, it's not good. Is a great, and you know that she's a great actor. She is a great actress. And I kind of want to give Hayden Christensen the same. Okay. Because I remember him in other things.

Was he in Life is a House? That was a movie I loved when I was younger. I don't remember. With Kevin Kline and it's like, whatever. Wasn't he in Jumper or Leaper? We can't even name a movie he was in, but we want to defend him. I believe it was Jumper. Natalie Portman I think is

really great in so many things this is the weirdest it was as if the note was like have no expression ever yes never modulate

your voice at all but yet she kind of talks like she's very present day like yes it was very confusing

the only actor in this movie who understood the tone of the movie was Palpatine. And I think it's because he was in the original ones. He was the only person where I was like, I buy everything you're saying. You're doing a great job. I think Christopher

Lee also does a good job. Who's Christopher Lee? He's Dooku. Who's Dooku? Let me see a picture. Which one's Dooku? Pull up Dooku. Oh, Dooku is the Jedi that started getting the clones? Yes. Oh, okay.

He's a... Yes, he does a pretty decent job, too. Also, Yoda fighting was the most insane thing I've ever seen. Oh, Yoda flying around? That was the silliest thing I've ever seen. I couldn't handle it. I watched it with John Milhiser, who likes Star Wars. He was like, when I saw it in the theater, everybody cheered.

And I was like, really? That's so funny. I wanted to ask, so did you see this when it first came out? So for me, this is one of the only—I pulled up a picture of Christopher Lee for you, by the way. Oh, yeah, that guy, yeah. This, for me, is one of the only Star Wars movies I don't think I saw in the theater. Okay, so it came out in 2002. My question about this as I was watching it,

and I feel like this has come up on other episodes, but like, so the CGI stuff bothers me a lot. Mm-hmm. Now, my question is, at the time,

did people think, wow, that looks real? Or did they think, wow, this is the best CGI we've ever had? I think people were probably like, this looks real, right? Right, because isn't that weird

to go, this looks real, and it's like because isn't that weird to go, this looks real, and it's like clearly bad? Well, I'll say this. Mitch is trying to speak so much. I know, I know. Wait, what are you, what are you? No, I love, I love hearing this. I think that the CGI,

especially in that first city scene, I think it does look kind of like, like a computer game, and it doesn't look good. That explosion in the beginning, and then when the Princess Amidala double is on the ground with her hair, she looked like a cartoon.

Oh my God, I know. Like her hair blown out. There were so many cartoon things. And then her shoes were blown off. It was very funny. How about Rose Byrne? Yeah, Rose Byrne is Dorme. Dorme should be illegal.

That Keira Knightley, Rose Byrne, and Natalie Portman, all three have careers. They're the same person. I know, you have to only let one do it. Yes. Yeah. I mean, come on now.

I know. They're all the same. Rose Byrne, it was kind of interesting because this was way before she was really known. And she has a very small part. But it was, at first I wasn't sure it was her, but I was excited to know that it was. And then I thought about her being on set and how that must have been exciting. And like on set, like surrounded by just like a green stage and green blocks. Right. It must have been exciting. And like on set like surrounded by just like a green stage and green blocks.

It must have been insane. I always forget that too that like there's nothing around them for real. There's like no practical sets basically. It's very, it's strange to think about also Ewan McGregor I think is a great actor and some of these line reads and then everyone calling each other master. I was like this is kinky.

It's weird. I felt like it was weird that Natalie Portman's a senator. I was like can we, everything's made calling each other master. I was like, this is kinky. It's weird. I felt like it was weird that Natalie Portman's a senator. I was like, everything's made up in this world. Make a fake word. It doesn't mean the same thing, so just make it a senadoo. A senadoo. I'm a senadoo. I'm a senadoo.

How about when they kiss? Oh, my God, you guys. I was kind of excited for some romance, because we haven't had any in a bit. This is the most romance heavy of... Oh, is it? Yeah. And they did a bad job. And they got married. So much happened. Too much happened. Also... Are you guys over it already? Are we done?

No, no, no. Okay, let's walk through it a little bit. Let's walk through the beginning, okay? Okay, so how does it start? Ten years after the Trade Federation's invasion of Naboo? Mm-hmm. Naboo. Naboo?

Or Naboo? Which one is it? The Galactic Republic. Mitch corrected me earlier. He did. It was so rude. Naboo. The Republic is threatened by the Separatist movement, organized by Jedi Master Count Dooku.

Who's allegedly dead, right? Huh? I don't know. Isn't Dooku supposed to be dead, but then they find him in the galaxy? Did I make that up? Maybe. Is there a thing where he's supposed to be dead? I don't know. Isn't Dooku supposed to be dead, but then they find him in the galaxy? Did I make that up? Maybe. Is there a thing where he's supposed to be dead? I don't know. I don't remember that.

Because Ewan McGregor didn't. He was like, what? He's still alive? Oh, okay. Yeah. Right? Because otherwise Ewan McGregor would be like, this lost Jedi, we found him. Right?

Okay. Yes. That's fair. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's gone away. He was missing or something. You're right.

Look. Look. I don't take in everything either. That's fair Oh yeah Yeah he's like gone away He was missing or something You're right Look there's a lot Look I don't take in everything either I'm not some sort of Episode 2 Genius This is the thing The fucking scrolls Start to the beginning

And go I can't even read this It was a lot It's so fucking dense Ryan Perez Made a great point About Star Wars scrolls And that when they

Don't make sense That's when it's the best And when you understand it You're like This is like I shouldn't understand What about Star Wars scrolls and that when they don't make sense, that's when it's the best. And when you understand it, you're like, this is like, I shouldn't understand what the Star Wars scroll is. Interesting, because one thing that's been surprising through this whole journey of watching these has been how much I do understand. Yes. I was like, the first one's pretty straightforward and like it's boring, but whatever. So boring.

I thought because I was on the outside of this thing for so long that it was like stuff I would never understand and when you watch it you're like I get it I get it well they're like putting the pieces together

for like like the whole concept of this prequel is like that like democracy like always kind of

collapses and doesn't work with these powerful people and people take advantage of the system and this is like the most like putting things in place here and there's like a lot

of fucking boring like like meetings between all these people the trade federation people and they're so like real feeling like they're so long and boring I'm like wow it's like a real meeting happened well I keep saying George Lucas I think believes that movies have to

happen in real time. He does. He does. He was like, well, it takes two hours and 20 minutes for this story to happen in real time. But in those meetings, there's like the techno droid man. There's like fun stuff. There are some cute little things happening. No, there were things that got my attention peaked a little bit.

Okay, so Senator Padme Amidala, who's Natalie Portman, comes to Coruscant to vote on a motion to create an army to assist the Jedi against the threat. Coruscant. Coruscant, thank you. Narrowly avoiding an assassination attempt upon her arrival, she is placed under the protection of Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi and his apprentice, 19-year-old Anakin Skywalker. I was pretty excited about the fact that he was 19. Yes. You freaks. Just that he was a hot young guy.

Yeah. But I kept thinking about how later he's going to be that purple head when they take off his mask. Now, how does that check out? He's hot. Then he gets the Darth mask. He has a purple neck explosion. It's very gross. As a fan Irishman, it's pretty normal for your head to turn more and more purple as you get older.

So I can relate to that. You get it. So in the third one, we're going to see how he turns into bubblegum. You might see how he turns. I don't want to spoil anything for you. No, don't spoil it. Okay, yeah, don't. Okay, so the two Jedi thwart a second attempt on her life and subdue the assassin.

Were they sent two centipedes to try to get her? That was my favorite part. I liked seeing the bed. I liked seeing her room. I felt like we don't usually get to see stuff like that. It was a nice bed. It was big and luscious. It looked cozy and it looked current.

But then I was like, why don't you lay down in your bed? I get it was for camera, but just reposition the camera so she's laying down sleeping. Right. I thought she was, what do you mean? She was like half up, half down. You know what I hated? Her suitcase. I do that.

Oh my God. Why was her suitcase worse than mine? Her suitcase was shitty. She only packed two, but homegirl had a headpiece, a giant dress with a bustle under it, and she only packed two suitcases. Get real. And they were like a normal like rolly suitcase with no wheels. I was like, this should be a perfect

circle that is a robot that follows her and she doesn't have to carry it. And in the future, I still have to fold clothes. Right. This makes no sense. I've never even noticed that she had a suitcase. Oh my God. That's like my main takeaway. Her suitcase looked like it was from the Marshalls Reject section. It truly did.

Can I just say that this Yoda hat is getting itchy and I don't have any my replacement hat is in the car and I can't take it off let's just see your hair I don't think I've seen your hair it's insane I haven't cut my hair let's find out your hair's so long it's so long it's so long

it's very long it doesn't look crazy it looks good I'm also so mad at myself for correcting you with Coruscant that I was so afraid that people would be like, he doesn't know it. You have to correct us. If I say it wrong and then people listen, and then you didn't say it, oh my God, you have to correct us. I'll also probably be corrected too.

Star Wars is scary. That's why we're terrified. This hasn't come out yet, but these people are listening to us. They're five, six episodes in and we have no idea how it's been going. Oh, God. Oh, boy. The bed should have been floating. How about that? There should have been a floating bed. I agree. I would have loved a floating

bed. It would have been very nice. Anything like that where they could have a little fun, that's what I want. I want there to be some little cute adjustments made. Well, there was one. They take a boat somewhere and the boat is shaped like the most insane way and I was like ooh that must have been a fun production meeting

where they're like can we just have a boat and no it's gotta be shaped with like a little ladle handle I felt like where they were well I guess we're getting ahead of ourselves but so Anakin comes in we don't look I guess I'm supposed to know right off the bat that he's Darth Vader but I did not remember that.

It's hard to remember because he's so stupid and like wide eyed and he's like, oh boy, all I want to be is right next to Natalie Portman. I like her so. He's so obsessed with her that I kind of forgot he had a bad side and was going to be bad. He said he thought about her every day for 10 years. Get a hobby. Totally. Aren't you training to be a Jedi? Wait, you're not supposed to tell women that? And his accent

is like New York or something. It's weird. It goes in and out of a New York and then like a Midwest. It's so wild. Master. I love it. I love it so much. I thought about it every day. It does sound like he's trailing off quite a bit. Look, he does not come off well in this movie.

No. So he's basically not bad up until midway through, right? Yeah. So he's on the good side for the whole beginning. He's helping to protect her. And they have meetings. what are the meetings about the meetings are about the the jedi council meeting yeah to for for hayden uh i'm sorry uh anakin to uh to like protect natalie portman's for to protect padme and he's very like um he thinks

really highly of himself and he's like i actually feel like I'm already better than my master. Like I know more than him. Also, Palpatine's been gassing him up. Because I think Palpatine at one point is like, you are better. You're a great Jedi. So I think he was putting those seeds. Or Millhiser told me this. It's not my thoughts.

This is great. He was putting seeds in his little brain to be like, I am powerful. I am badass. So then it would be easier to turn him to the dark side. Yes. Okay. They think that Anakin, I mean,

obviously he's very powerful and, and, and they, but they think that he can, they can, he can be turned to the dark side pretty easily. Not easily, but they,

they, but like, because he's young and, and Dooku, which, which you see later, like he, he likes,

he likes Obi-Wan it seems like he's like join me but I'm getting ahead of myself because Yoda has said Obi-Wan is very powerful so that's

I think that's why he's trying to turn him also we get to see little Jedi kids that was delightful that was fun younglings I wanted more Jedi kids

they're called younglings they're called younglings that sounds delicious there you go younglings a youngling potato I kind of wait what is an actual potato?

Fingerling. Yeah. Can I just tell you something now? I won't spoil anything. Okay. But something happens in episode three with all the younglings. Oh, no. Something bad?

I'm not saying if it's good or bad. Okay. I'm just saying there's like a big. I'm just saying there's a big scene with the younglings. Okay. I'm pretty excited. It's going to be like Ewoks where they're all running around and they have like a treehouse.

That would be fun. That'd be so cute. I wish I could tell you guys. Man, I really want to tell you what happens. This is sad for me. We honestly need any sort of delight that can await us so I can't let you tell us. We have to have something positive to look forward to. I can't wait for you to see it. That's all I'll say. Wait, what's the next one called?

Revenge of the Sith. Revenge of the Sith, yes. I was thinking Rise because of the rise of Skywalker. Revenge of the Sith. Okay, so the two Jedi thwart a second attempt on her life and subdue the assassin Zam Wessel. She is killed by her client, a bounty hunter, before she can reveal her identity. The Jedi Council instructs Obi-Wan to find the bounty hunter while Anakin is tasked to protect Padme and escort her back to Naboo

where he expresses his romantic feelings for her oh my god all of these scenes in Naboo are just ridiculous also the way Anakin comes on to her over and over and over again and she's like no thank you no thank you but then it works out yeah I was like a good lesson yeah persistence is key but i will say she was wearing a real sexy leather outfit like in front of a fireplace and

i was like well you are sending kind of mixed signals i mean look she was like a dominatrix you look so good she's like wearing crop tops 90 of the time oh I love when she gets hit with that thing and it perfectly rips her shirt for a nice little midriff. Yes. Natalie Portman, she's very pretty. She's gorgeous. She's so pretty. Oh, yeah.

It's not weird to say. Thank you. I'm sure people were saying it from when she was 10. But, you know, she's... I mean, the performance, again, is... I feel like it's going to be very hard to act in these movies, in these scenarios, because it feels like Ewan McGregor is a good actor too, and he does an okay job. I don't know. I had almost the opposite thought, but it doesn't make sense.

I was thinking, it seems like it'd be easy to act in these scenes because you don't do anything. However, the takeaway is everyone did a bad job seems like it'd be easy to act in these scenes because you don't do anything. However, the takeaway is everyone did a bad job, so it's not easy. Our feeling is like, it should be easy because you're just being monotone. But then in the moment that probably feels like nothing, and then you're like, you don't even know how to express

any sort of emotion with that sort of tone. I feel like the direction should not have been monotone. It was so, again, Palpatine is the only one who I think, oh, and then. Christopher Lee. Doku were the only two people who I thought were like, who used language in a way that I was like, oh, I understand exactly what you're trying to do. Well, like, you know that part where Anakin starts like yelling and throwing stuff.

Oh boy. That was horrible. Oh boy. I don't believe it at all. No. But I thought, well, he hasn't even raised his voice once throughout this whole thing I hate it I really do

why do I gotta be like this are you in a 1950s play I killed them I killed them all the men the women the children all of them and then Patty is just like it's okay.

And she still wants to marry him. I was like, he's showing you all the red flags. Yeah, I'm like, he drove away on a scooter to find his lost mother. He murdered a village. And then she's all cut up. And then she's like, I love you. And he's like, got a murder. Okay, well, let's keep going.

Okay, so Obi-Wan's investigation leads him to the mysterious ocean planet of Kamino. All right, so now for me, I think that the movie starts picking up when we get to Kamino. Which one is Kamino? Kamino is the one with a bunch of water. It's like raining constantly. Oh, I loved them. Oh, they were fun. But I was like, they should have a moisture farm there.

There's a lot of moisture there and then they could send it to Anakin's planet. They should start playing basketball, those guys. They're all very tall. They're so hot. They're very tall. They were kind of sexy. They were. One was like, what?

No, I weirdly kept thinking about what it'd be like to make out with them. Right? Me too! I was like, dude. Wait, what? I would have to get on an Apple box. I don't know. I don't know why. But I was like, their I would have to like get on an apple box I don't know like I don't know why

but I was like their nose like connects to their mouth and I was like that's kind of hot well hold on now hold on a second you'd have to get on

an apple box which means that you're making out with them on set are you making out with them in costume or are you making out with the actual aliens

the actual aliens I would want the aliens because they know things we don't know and that's attractive and then I just really liked is this a normal thing that you thought about

what would be like making all the aliens honestly I feel normal because Nicole thought it too I thought it was weird and you know what a bunch of tweets are going to roll in

from a bunch of women who are like I thought it too yeah I love those aliens there was something about the way they moved they moved so fluidly

one was wearing leggings and I liked those skinny little legs and i like those skinny little legs and they're like skinny little neck and head i don't know it was like i love that and then i was like maybe their necks retract to come down to kiss you yeah we don't know how they fuck we don't know how they fuck it's so crazy that i'm like in my mind i'm like man it's hard to like get a get into a relationship get things going and then you guys daydream about kissing camino aliens uh-huh yeah the hell i just think it would be really like tender there was something about them yeah Yeah, I don't, I can't, the silverness or something, I don't know. They were really just sexy. So they hire

Jango Fett Yeah. to He was a bounty hunter. He was a bounty hunter and then they clone him and then this was confusing to me.

So Doku Yeah. went to the sexy aliens and said I want clones so then the sexy aliens find J, I want clones. So then the sexy aliens find

Jango, bring Jango to their planet, and then clone Jango. Yeah, Jango Fett. Jango Fett. And, yeah, well, this is complicated because this is like a whole It's a whole big planet. They're basically

starting a war. Yes. Palpatine is basically just starting a war. And then, are these stormtroopers? Are they going to end up being stormtroopers? Because that's what they reminded me of.

You're onto something for sure. I mean, I don't want to spoil anything, but like, I mean like, yes, I mean, you're right.

I mean, for everyone watching this movie at this point, it was like, oh, those are future stormtroopers, but do they turn into the actual stormtroopers?

I don't know. You'll see in the next movie. Okay. And then Jango Fett was like, oh, those are future stormtroopers. But do they turn into the actual stormtroopers? I don't know. You'll see in the next movie. Okay. Okay. And then Jango Fett was like, sure, I'll do this. Also, I need a clone. But like, don't alter him. He wanted like a son.

So then we get Boba Fett. Yeah. Who you got. You guys have watched. You've seen Return of the Jedi, right? Boba Fett is like, everyone loves Boba Fett. Yeah, and then he dies super quick. And you don't know anything about Boba Fett.

This was like more of, yeah, this was like 80s and early 90s. I mean, they loved him forever, but it just became a thing of like, Boba Fett's cool when he has a jet pack and he's the one who got Han Solo and the Carbonite and stuff. This is what I love, because It all ends up being that simple. Yeah. Like for years, everyone's like Boba Fett. I'm like, that word means nothing. Like it sounds complicated.

It's like he has a jet pack. It's like, it's that simple. He has a jet pack. Was that your impression of me? We have to take a break. Okay. Okay. And we're back.

Okay. So then Obi-Wan is like questioning Jango Fett and the sexy aliens. And that's how he figures out all of that stuff. And then we, wait, Jango's ship is called the Slave One? Yes. Yeah, I didn't catch that right. Django's ship is a Slave One? Yeah. Is that Django Unchained?

Is that connected? Maybe. Oh my God, maybe Quentin Tarantino stole it from there. Wow. I think, well, do you want me to tell you what I think? Yes. That's the most wrong thing I've ever heard. No, we don't want you to tell us what you think? Yes. It's the most wrong thing I've ever heard. No,

we don't want you to tell us what you think. I also think Jenga may be related to Jenga. Jenga-Fet. Jenga-Fet. Oh my god, that should be a game. Jenga-Fet. So then his clone son Boba Fett

and Jenga-Fet Now I'm confused about what his name is. I'm thinking Jango. I'm getting confused. It's Jango Fett. Jango Fett. And then they go to the rock planet, and then they're trying to kill Obi-Wan. Hold on.

They go through the asteroid field, you're saying. Yeah, and then he keeps trying to kill him with the booms. Yeah. That's cool, right? That was pretty cool. Yeah, that was cool. I thought the fight with Jango Fett on Kamino was kind of cool, too, in the rain. Yeah, that was pretty cool yeah that was cool I thought the fight with Jango Fett

on Kamino was kind of cool too in the rain which one's Kamino the one where it's on the rainy planet it's where the aliens are that you want

to make out with oh yeah I love them but then I was like so there's a full ass fight happening outside and these aliens are here and doof doof doof

like on the roof and they're not like going outside and be like what's up I mean that's a good point yeah so what happens next this is where okay this is when oh anakin goes to his mom right yeah because

he's been like thinking about his mom for a while so then he was like i guess i should like go visit her and at this point i remembered that he was going to become darth vader and i thought okay when she starts to die go don't tell me that her dying is all that it takes for him to go to the dark side i mean honestly it is it was no no he to go to the dark side. I mean, honestly it is. It was. No, no, he's not on the dark side yet, but he went fucking nuts.

He murdered the whole Tuscan Raiders. The Tuscan Raiders are, which sounds like a football team. Yeah. That's very funny. That seems very almost planned out and it was not at all. We truly just had the same thoughts

watching this movie. We want to fuck the silver guys. Oh man. So bad. And I can't wait to watch the Tusken Raiders at the Super Bowl.

It went from why don't you make out with the silver long man and now you want to straight up fuck them. Well I want to 69 them because I think that they could

totally curl up into like a weird position and it would work. Oh, boy. If you 69 them, their heads would be a foot away from the bottom of your feet. No, I think their necks retract or they can move. Yeah. I think it would be so great. And what about their tongues? We don't even know what those look like.

You could probably just do missionary and then they could bend their heads down to like your butt. Wow. Probably. Yeah. They could do a full like question mark position where they're like at the base and the top at the same time. I'd be afraid to see what they have down there.

They're so long. I think something fun. Something crazy. You think something fun? Yes. I bet it's like a rocket dick. Yeah. Like a big fat rocket dick.

Blast off right into you. Do you want me to Google to see if I can find any Kamino aliens? Yes, please. Like porn. Yes, please. Let's see if their jizz looks like when Alex Mack turns into a silver blob and moves from one location to another. Oh, boy. I just passed away.

That was very funny. That's how Alex Mack, is it Alex Mack or Alice Max? Alex. It's not Alice Max. You don't have to be a shitty name. Hi, I'm Alice Max. Okay, so then after he kills those Tusken Raiders,

but then we find out that Anakin's mom was sold, that the Jewish man sold her. Watto! The Jewish fly sold her. Oh my God, that thing is... Watto, he's funny. He's bad. He's wild.

He is a... She was a slave. It is fucked up. I mean, that whole thing is fucked up. And Anakin should maybe want to kill Watto. Yeah. They just have like a weird conversation where he's like you sure grew up uh-huh he's like oh you're a jedi there's people

who owe me money okay yeah we get it that character was money that scene really felt like a video game where like you approach the hut you have to have a way too long conversation they give you all the information you have to get through all that before you can pass by. I was like, go, go, go. I don't care. I don't need him to tell us his life story. Wow, you sure look different, Anakin. Haven't seen you since before. Pass, pass, pass.

Yeah, it could have been very quick. Also... Well, I just want to say that I found the Kamido aliens and there's plenty. See, we're not crazy. Yeah, we're normal. Yeah. There's a lot. Well, show me one thing.

Oh my God. Yeah, show us one thing. Well, here's a female. Damn. Wait, let me see. Okay, here's the female. She's like ripped and naked. Oh boy.

And then, well, then there's this one. Okay. She looks like a reptile. I'm not into it. Here's Obi-Wan having sex with one. Whoa. Okay, wait.

That's a little too. Let's see it. Let's see it. We just have to see it to judge it. Yeah, you know. Just want to see. Okay, here we go. Here it is.

That's Obi-Wan having sex with it. There's a more graphic one that I didn't show you guys. Oh, my goodness. She's like mounting him on his lap and she's facing out. And then there is a penis. I don't want to. Well, I got to see that. We need to know.

You only keep showing us the female ones and it feels. It feels pretty. I'm in trouble? Well, we talked about the dick and it seems like you're afraid to share it. Well, here's the deal is that you were right. It is. It's basically a rocket dick. Hell yeah, dude.

That's a nice dick. Let's see. That's insane. It's a big old honking dick. Whoa. Hell yeah. I'll take it. Mama mia. One please. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. That thing looks good. Just very horny.

Yeah, alright. Well, we'll be looking at that later. You know what the world is why does why everything exists why not we did a fan fiction episode

where we read and wrote our own Star Wars fan fiction and ours was very pornographic fan fiction was only the nasty ones and then Madeline was like

no no you can write something nice she wrote like a thoughtful piece ours was like they jizzed and then they jizzed more it was like no no you can write something nice you wrote like a thoughtful piece ours was like they jizzed and then they jizzed more it was like blue milk

oh we get to see blue milk that is true oh yeah yeah is that when when they go back to Uncle Owen and yes yes yes

so the guy was like I'm your half brother that's who raises Luke Skywalker right and then that's who gets murdered later in A New Hope oh yeah Uncle Owen yes oh okay then that's who gets murdered later in A New Hope? Oh, yeah.

Uncle Owen, yes. Oh, okay. Then there's Shmi's like boyfriend, right? Oh, that one-legged man? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that was pretty devastating

that he only had one leg and couldn't look for her anymore. And then when he finds her, after he hops off the scooter and finds her, she's all like cut up in the weirdest way possible. Yes. Also, she's like the only prisoner.

Yeah. That's weird. Why do they want her? I don't know. That's a good question. I mean, the Tusken Raiders are like, that's why it's not, they're like known to be like crazy and like kind of monsters. So when he, when he, when he massacres the Tusken Raiders, it is a bad, it's a bad moment because I mean, especially cause he's killing the childrenres the Tusken Raiders it is a bad it's a bad moment

because I mean especially because he's killing the children of these Tusken Raiders but they are like known to be

kind of like these like ruthless monsters in the universe so oh wait have we talked about how Anakin

and what's her name Padme literally roll around in fields have we talked about that? What part is that?

That's when they're in her home planet. And they're truly... When they're riding the cows and stuff? Yeah, he rides this big fucking cow. He falls down. She's like, Anakin, no! And then she runs over, and then he rolls over, and he's like, tee-hee-hee.

And then she falls on him and then they roll literally roll around I honestly feel like I missed this part all of you because I don't remember them riding a cow but I watched the film they ride those

big fat cows they ride big big cows the cow aliens I gotta see it to believe it oh I kinda do honestly nuts yeah yeah yeah

I remember this and also there's either right before that or right afterwards this is a famous this is the thing that people talk about a lot but Anakin talks about Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember this. And also there's either right before that or right afterwards. This is a famous, this is the thing that people talk about a lot. But Anakin talks about how he doesn't like sand. He's like, I don't like sand.

That part was crazy. Where she was like, I love water. Yes. And he's like, I don't like sand. But you're not like sand. And I was like, does he relate everything to sand? Yeah. Sand is grainy.

Milk's not grainy. Milk's not grainy. Milk isn't like sand. It's like, what are you talking about? And I guess he doesn't like sand because he grew up on that moisture farm in Sandland. No, wait, that's Luke. Where did he grow up? But don't you feel like the sand... In Sandland. Don't you feel like the sand...

Is it Anikin's from Sandland? Tatooine. Oh, yeah. Anikin's from Sandland. What? Is it Tatooine? Yes. Yeah, yes.

I just felt really cool. I knew that. That you knew the Sandland name? Don't you feel like the sand like isn't the kind of sand like at the beach where it gets in like your butt crack it feels like

it gets everywhere I was like no it doesn't I just don't buy that like you're walking around fully clothed all the time they're like

it's not like they're laying around in it it just was a weird analogy getting wet it's weird to think of Star Wars characters also getting sand

in their butt yeah I just don't think it does like it just, it falls right off. I think Sandland is a good theme park, Adam Sandler themed theme park. The Sandman Sandland.

Sandman Sandland. I would go there. Honestly. The Little Nicky drop or something. I don't know. Honestly, Little Nicky is such a funny movie. I haven't watched that in so long.

It got such a bad rap. Popeye's chicken fucking rocks. I know. I love it. Okay. Well long. It got such a bad rap. Popeye's chicken fucking rocks. I know. I love it. Okay, well, I feel like we should get to the point. So they, then they have the whole thing where they're like going to be fighting to the death on those like, like in a sort of gladiator ring. Is that next?

Yeah. That was kind of confusing as to how all of them got there. Yeah, the Coliseum scene. See, at this point i'm i like this movie i officially am on board with this movie okay i know that there is like a cg 3po with getting uh getting that was tossed around and his head was on put on something else and yeah and then he's like i'm going to kill everyone oh what am i he's so silly and then he's like r2d2 oh he's like, I'm going to kill everyone. Oh, who am I? He's so silly. And then he's like, R2-D2, oh, he's getting into trouble. And I was like, no, R2's like pretty much a catalyst for getting you into trouble.

R2 knows what he's doing. R2 doesn't even say anything, man. No. Yeah, leave him alone. I know. And then that big stamping thing. Yeah. That conveyor belt.

Yeah, when they were stuck in the conveyor belt, that part was scary. But also because it looked so fake, I was like, whatever. Like, this is where I feel like we really need the practical effects. Like, if you're going to be getting about to be killed by a machine, I want to feel like the pressure is on. Anakin gets his hand caught and then just pulls it away. And then he has like a jeweled claw when he's getting married. I don't know if you noticed that. Oh, boy.

Wait, hold on. There's a reason for that. Well, we'll get to that. Yes. Have you guys ever been in a, there's a reason for that. Gold skeleton? Okay. Well, we'll get to that. Yes. Have you guys ever been in a factory? They are scary like that. I can't say that I have.

I have never been in a factory. But I do think if it was like a practical factory, it would have been a little bit more scary. Yes.

Also, why were they filling up them big cups with hot lava? I know, and then R2 was like, don't do that one.

She's in there. I was like, oh't do that one. She's in there. I was like, oh, thanks, buddy. And R2 is... Helped us out. R2's flies. Yeah. I didn't know R2 flies.

No one knew that. Wait, when does it happen where Yoda starts fighting the dude? Oh, that's a little bit later. No,

that's a little bit later. That's after the Coliseum where they release like the big bug, the big warthog, and then something else. The big cat. Oh, yeah. It's very sad to me that the big cat gets killed, I think, pretty much first.

Yeah, immediately. Yeah. And then there's a bunch of bugs watching. Yeah. And then the Asian aliens make a comeback because we needed that again. Oh, dear God. It's like a pretty heavy Asian accent. I know.

I didn't like that. Well, I wouldn't have minded if they were actually Asian. Yeah, it was just like a racist voice. Yeah, it was very strange. Well, I'm not going to jump on board and say I actually like them. I'll agree with you. They're my favorite. Okay, so then we get

towards the end. And then who knew Princess Amidala could fight? I'm trying to skip an hour ahead. You guys hate this movie. But truly, who knew Padme or whatever could fight? It's so tedious. It was wild. The Coliseum is fun. That scene is fun. It's a little fun,

but it felt random. It kind of was like, why are they in this now? Like, I just didn't really get it. And then I was like, why didn't Dooku just kill them? Why did he think she'll die? Yeah. They were waiting for her to die and then didn't happen. And then she didn't die.

Well, he's like, he kind of like gives them the, he's like an idealist. He gives gives them the he gives he he basically gives them an ultimatum of like you join me or whatever i won't kill you he i think he gives it to obi-wan and to but why doesn't he just kill them as opposed to putting them in this like coliseum gladiator death thing more fun to watch it's more fun to watch okay fair and also i mean like the bottom line is that they don't really want to kill Anakin I mean Anakin they don't want to kill oh right so they're just trying to kill her

yes oh and then while that's happening Jar Jar Binks votes to give emergency powers to Chancellor Palpatine which is like

not great so this is so Jar Jar fucks up so bad this is like the beginning of the end basically he's given power

to the emperor i just thought it was really interesting that padme gave jar jar power jar jar is a known goofy idiot he steps in poop and like falls over like why are we giving this man power this thing this platypus power what do you think they were interacting with when Jar Jar was there do you think it was a person with a green screen balls on them or do you think it was like

I think it was a mob with like I think he actually wore a Jar Jar hat oh no I hope there's no footage of that I hope

if I do by the way we skipped over a character that I relate to the most I just think that I if I were to be a character in the Star Wars world, it's Dexter Jetster, the diner owner. Oh, yeah. The diner.

I can see. Some of those scenes are just random to me where I'm like, no, there's a diner. Like, I don't know. Anytime there's something like very current, it throws me off. Yeah. It's strange. I feel like that. I like it, but then I'm like, well, then do more of that. Make everything a little bit

normal, but a little bit turned on its head. Was the diner where we find out that there's a Jedi in the galaxy that's not accounted for? Wait, what information did that man give Obi-Wan? I don't remember. Do you remember, Mitch? Oh, Dexter Jetson.

He told him where to find. That planet? He told him where the thing that killed the shapeshifter. I thought the shapeshifter was very pretty. Oh, she was gorgeous. And I was so happy that it was a woman. I was like, that was fun. She's like a fugly alien monster when she dies, but I still kind of like her.

She did shrivel up into a very ugly thing. A changeling? Is that what it was called? Yes, a changeling. Yeah, those were disturbing every time someone died and turned into something else. I found a picture of Ahmed Best on set, and it is actually very funny. Oh, my God. It is.

I almost wish that's what it really was. Like just a better version of that. That's great. Him wearing, him having a hat on, like a Jar Jar head on his head. Well, I'd like to like see his, not see his face, but like a sort of real head like that is kind of cool. That's so funny to put on your kit, like to put on your costume and then be like, I'm an adult.

Oh yeah. That's crazy. I'm going to do this. He was, because people were so mean about Jar Jar, I think he was like kind of, these movies like fucked up a lot of people. They fucked up young Anakin. Yes. Jake Lloyd is the most fucked up of anyone.

Yeah. It's like a real bummer. It's a bummer. And I thought he was good. I thought he acted circles around. Of course. And that's why he's a little kid. Aiden Christensen.

Being so mean about like a six-old is just very immature. It's not right. So then what happens? Then a big battle happens. So the Jedi come. During the Colosseum, they get surrounded. Basically, they're done for. The Jedi come to help him out.

Well, actually, the Jedi come to help him out. Then the Jedi get surrounded. Mace Windu chops off Jango Fett's head. Yes. Which is great. Yeah. And then Boba Fett watches. Boba Fett, yeah.

And then Boba Fett later picks up the severed head. Yes. Which is pretty dark. That head is probably still inside. Yeah. And then that becomes his helmet. Yeah. Do you think he cleaned it?

I don't think so. Or do you think his daddy guts are just surrounding his head? No. It's pretty dark. I feel like it so. What do you mean? His daddy guts are just surrounding his head. No. It's pretty dark. I feel like it would be hard to get out. The daddy guts? No, the head. Yeah.

Oh, the daddy guts. Sorry, daddy guts. It'd be hard to get that out of there. For sure. You'd have to shake it out or something, I'm sure. He gets some Clorox wet wipes. He just puts it right on his head. He says, I love my daddy.

Or maybe he wears it like Ahmad Best wore the Jar Jar head oh my god that's very funny to think about and then they fly off with the Yoda comes with the with the clones and they make an escape from there

and then somehow she falls down she falls out of the ship she falls out of the ship yeah she falls out of the sand and then got up like it was fine someone's like

you okay and she's like and then she got up and ran away I know another reason for him to hate sand she fell

she fell right into some sand she did but the sand broke her fall yeah also the way she runs away her arms are so far away from her body and her strides are so long. John made me rewind it three times. I saw it on his story.

I was wondering, like, maybe it was hard to run on the sand or maybe she's just a weird runner. Maybe. Then they had their wedding. Okay. I feel like we can get to that point. No, we have to do the fight. Oh, my Jesus. The fight where-

Between Yoda? Yoda, Doku, Obi-Wan, and Anakin, where he slices a little bit of Obi-Wan, but somehow doesn't slice an appendage off. Right. And then Yoda's like, boo, boo, boo. Oh, wait, no. Anakin goes, boo, boo, boo, and then fucking slices his whole arm. Yeah.

Slips his arm off. No blood. No. Just bite by arm. It's cauterized because of the lights arm. Yeah. Slice his arm off. No blood. Just bite by arm. It's cauterized because of the lightsaber. There we go. That makes sense.

There we go. And that makes sense with Boba Fett's head too. All right. Yeah. Answering questions. It's a two in one tool. And then Yoda

bounces around like a toy. He looks like a little toy. It's silly how he's jumping around and flying around. It made me laugh really hard. I liked it.

But I hated Yoda in this movie because I want I like Yoda when he's more real. I don't like when Yoda's a total cartoon. We don't like it.

It's very funny to be like then he bounced around like a little toy. It was fake looking and stupid. I liked it. Yeah, I wanted a puppeteer to fucking puppeteer him around.

And then Doku was just like, oh, I guess you are strong fucking Yoda. And then, does he just leave? What happens? Yeah, Count Doku, he flies off and uh because

he's about he he basically is gonna crush anakin and yes and obi-wan and so yoda kind of has to relent and then and then he because yoda you know he was putting up a fight he was he could have bested him and then yeah yoda was pretty strong strong Yoda was moving columns and shit I liked when Yoda was like pushing it back at him like that was kind of fun and I don't think they could have done that with a puppet to watch Yoda's face turn to be like struggling yeah okay that was fun

I think that after that's after Coruscant the after the city scene the new Japan scene yeah that I think the movie's good besides the the kind of dumb romantic elements of it. The romance. The romance was what kept me the most interested, though, I have to say. I didn't like it, but I liked watching it.

They had zero chemistry. No, there's no chemistry. There's nothing happening. But I was confused about why it was progressing. I was shocked they got married at the end. That part was really weird. And then it just ends on a wedding like boop. They get married in the smallest wedding.

They had no... C-3PO and R2 are there. No people. Someone officiated it. He had a gold skeleton hand. Someone officiates it and then there's... I forget who officiates it. Now I should know.

It was kind of a faceless... I honestly feel like they didn't really focus on who it was. I know it was. But C-3PO and R2-D2 are witnesses. Yes. They're the witnesses to the wedding. Because you need two witnesses. Also, we get to learn about the Death Star before they get married.

Those little bug people are making a Death Star. Yeah. You want to talk about some of this trivia? It's kind of fun. Hell yeah, dude. Okay. So the first scene in which Obi-Wan and Anakin appear was filmed after principal photography had finished. Ewan McGregor had shaven off his beard, so he had to wear a fake one.

Now, this is very triggering for you. This is a triggering situation. Because you're in a similar situation in your life. I think I just lost the role for not being able to shave off my beard. We'll find out. I hope it doesn't go that way. I hope it works out. I appreciate that.

I think it will. I will go crazy. This town is insane. Yeah, it is.. I appreciate that. I think it will. I will go crazy. This town is insane. Yeah, it is. It makes no sense. It is. Hollywood, Hollywood is wild. Okay, so when Anakin tells Padme that he killed all the Tusken Raiders,

that I killed them, I killed them all speech, is almost a word for word copy of Ralph Macchio's speech from 1983's The Outsiders. I don't understand why. Why is that? It's not even like a great speech. No. It's kind of basic. It's pretty bad.

Is The Outsiders directed by Coppola? No. Yes? I don't know. They shot this in Sydney, Australia for like a whole summer. And then, okay, it was the Guinness World Record Award winner for highest box office gross for a screenwriter. Oh. And that's George Lucas gross for a screenwriter. Oh.

That's George Lucas who wrote it. Wow. Yes. Every single clone trooper was computer generated. I thought they looked pretty real. That was pretty good. That one was pretty cool. Yeah, by the way, it was co-written by George Lucas and Jonathan Hales, but George Lucas directed it. Neither one of them knows what love is. No,

that's true. That is true. Or how people talk to each other. Oh my god. The Stinkers Bad Movie Awards gave Hayden Christensen the worst supporting actor prize. That's so mean. If he won a Stinkers. It's so mean to have a Stinkers. Yeah, like the Razzies. I know. All of it is

so mean because I'm like, they worked on this for a very long time. I know. And he has no control over whether it's going to be good. Do you think the stinkers are going to give me an award for this episode? I hope so. We've nominated you for a stinker match. It's a high honor in the podcast community. Samuel L. Jackson reportedly

had BMF engraved into the handle of his lightsaber. BMF is short for Bad Motherfucker, which was stitched onto the wallet of Jackson's character Jules in Pulp Fiction. That's fun. It's kind of fun to be like, can you get it engraved? Wow. It's kind of fun to be like, can you get it engraved? I feel like if you were the prop guy and he was like, I want BMF engraved into my lightsaber. I'd be like, okay.

This is kind of a pain in the ass. I'm sure the prop master was like, I feel cool. I love Pulp Fiction. For Samuel L. Jackson, if it's me going like, can you engrave? I love kittens. It's like a secret trick for me and no one else knows. You're like, no, you don't get to have an Easter egg. We have to fire her. So Francis Ford Coppola did direct Outsiders.

And so they're buddies. And I think it's just like a little, maybe that's a little. I guess that would be really cool if you had anything to do with the Outsiders. You'd be like, oh, they're giving us a little nod. Okay. On the DVD commentary, Anakin's shadow on Tatooine before he leaves the Lars to find Shmi was not digitally altered to resemble Darth Vader's helmet. It was pure coincidence. I didn't understand why they zoomed in on that shadow.

Me either. And I didn't even think it looked like Darth Vader's helmet. Me either. Okay. So the coincidence wasn't pure enough. Jet Lucas, son of George Lucas, appears as a young Jedi Padawan. And then Katie Lucas, George's daughter, appears as a twink, a twinklet? Twilak?

On the croissant bar. Oh, okay. Croissant. Croissant. Croissant. Oh, my God. That's fun, though. These kids got to be in the movie. Uh-huh.

So Boba Fett is, Jet is spelled like Fett. I feel like it's like a combo between Django and Fett. Maybe. I'm sure it is. Yeah. Sorry, you guys are like, we want to go to bed. I want to go to bed at 1.30. You know, so the reviews, there's a lot of... go to bed at 1.30. You know,

so the reviews, there's a lot of... People did not like us. Yes. I mean, Roger Ebert, who actually has loved like all of them, he says,

it's not what's there on the screen that disappoints me, but what's not there. It is easy to hail the imaginative computer images that George Lucas

brings to Star Wars Tag of the Clones to marvel at his strange new aliens and towering cities and sites, such as thousands of clones, all marching in perfect ranks into a huge spaceship. To see the beginnings of the dark side in young Anakin Skywalker. I can't read.

Skywalker. All of those experiences are there to be cheered by fans of the Star Wars series. And for them, this movie will affirm their faith. Wait, what? He liked it?

Oh boy. I thought he was saying he didn't like it because he goes, what's not there is what disappointed him. Oh, but that means he loved it so much. Oh, boy. I thought he was saying he didn't like it because he goes, what's not there is what disappointed him. Oh, but that means he loved it so much he wanted more. I literally thought it was- And you guys think Ebert's a fucking idiot, huh? Dude, I love Ebert, but every review of Star Wars has been crazy. I literally thought this was a bad review and I just read a good one.

Rolling Stone said, the big problem aside from the fact that the Matrix and the Lord of the Rings outclassed Lucas at his own game is talk, talk, talk. Even with script help from Jonathan Hales, Lucas still can't write dialogue that doesn't induce projectile vomiting. And the film's visual snap, it was all shot digitally, leaves emotions

at a chilly remove. What helps are cool gadgets and cooler villains notably the great Christopher Lee as Count Dooku and New Zealander Tamira Morrison as the bounty hunter Jango Fett.

Daddy to clone... Why do you say daddy? Daddy to clone son Boba Daniel Logan. Even Ewan McGregor has stopped playing Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi with a stick up his ass.

Oh, Ewan McGregor has... This is a little too Rolling Stone-y of this review. I don't know, it's really chill. They said with a stick up his ass. Oh, Ewan McGregor has... This is a little too Rolling Stone-y of this review. And it was really chill. They said daddy and stick up your ass. Daddy. That's really... The Hollywood Reporter says,

other than a CG-enhanced chase through the airwaves of an urban metropolis near the beginning, the film gets off to a slow start with much exposition and characters getting reacquainted 10 years after the events of Phantom Menace. Surprisingly flat-footed dialogue scenes that feature wooden acting, dreary art direction and old fashioned optical wipes are either intended as an homage to the sci-fi of the fifties or reflect the director's impatience with

exposition. Anyway, people just read like the scrolls there. These reviews are dense and boring and I don't understand them I agree I you know what I wonder if Roger Ebert

and like George Lucas have a friendship or something maybe he's like I can't piss off my fucking friend cause he never he's like

he loves all of them no matter what but here's the thing I think the movie could have been good with better performances because

Anakin that's a juicy fucking role if there was some emotion and like excitement and sort of passion there with better performances because Anakin, that's a juicy fucking role. If there was some emotion and like excitement and sort of passion there, I think I could have gotten more into it. If he had been like,

you know, looking at Natalie Portman and being like, I killed them all, okay, and I couldn't help it and I loved every second of it, I'm bad,

you know, like there'd be something. that was better than everything he did in the whole movie. Thank you. It's a very strange performance. I'll agree with that.

I like the movie, though. Okay, tell us why you like the movie. I like the movie because I kind of have come to appreciate what it is, which is kind of like this boring setup to see how things can just stupidly go wrong and how little tiny, small little actions can lead to like a giant war and i think that that was his plan with this i think it's supposed to be drier and then i do think that the movie is if you remove the romantic side of it after after coruscant i do think that the action is pretty good i think that the coliseum scene is good i know that the factory is a little wonky

but i think the the camino is good with the battle with Jango Fett, and then the clone fight at the end, and then we all had fun watching Yoda. I mean, we have to admit that. Yes, I have to admit I had a great time. It was very silly watching the little green guy bounce around with a lightsaber. Yeah, I mean...

There's no stick up Ewan McGregor's ass ever. In the beginning a little bit, and then I think it loosens up towards the end. The elevator scene in the beginning is bad. The whole first hour is really hard to get behind. But things pick up a little bit. I feel like there are some fun points to the movie, some cute little moments. I thought the romance was exciting because we've had none.

But still, it wasn't really what I wanted out of it. I felt like she shouldn't have married him no i don't know i mean and also so dark theater has an ex-wife yes well you'll find out in the next one but what a crazy thing for okay so padma or whatever the fuck her name is is like okay this dude has been obsessed with me for 10 years ever since he was a little boy yes he is now grown up he He won't stop hitting on me. And then I like

go to visit his mom and his mother was murdered and then he murdered a village and then he lost his arm. I better marry him. It is weird how much older she is

when you think about the previous movie where he's like six and she's an adult. Yeah, it is. I guess that side of it is a little odd that she's like

She's way older than me. She's now hooking up with this toddler that she wants new. And then also, who is doing her hair? Her hair, there are some points where, first of all, it's totally different from moment to moment. In the beginning, she truly had an Afro going with braids. And I was like, did she go to Africa and scalp somebody? I did not understand that. It was wild.

And then it's a totally different texture in the next scene. It makes no sense. It's very crazy. Oh, you guys are mad at the hair. Yeah, not understand that. It was wild. And then it's a totally different texture in the next scene. It makes no sense. It's very crazy. Oh, you guys are mad at the hair. Yeah, it was weird. A little. It was just like, it's a lot.

Just like she had all of these fabulous outfits in two suitcases. Yeah, right. There's no way she's doing her hair. Her hair is like in these everyday dramatic shapes and stuff. It's too much.

I don't know how that's happening. I can't believe that we've back to the suitcase. Her suitcase is so annoying. It makes me so angry. It opens top much. I don't know how that's happening. We're back to the suitcase. Her suitcase is so annoying. It makes me so angry. It opens top up, which is the only thing that makes it different.

And it has no wheels and Anakin has to carry them. And I'm like, this should be a droid. It should be. You should be able to fill R2-D2 with all of your clothing. But aren't the suitcase droids?

Yes. Those don't exist. Well, they should. George Lucas, I am typing a letter as we speak. Oh, my God. I got a letter from Nicole. You said there shouldn't be a suitcase droid. That's right.

That was a good impression. He puts a gun in his mouth. I should have thought of this. I'm an idiot. It's too late now. Disney owns the property. Very dumb. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I truly, I think the movie could have been better with better direction. Yeah, well, that's been a complaint with him. Like, if we could see Anakin's, like, being, I don't know, like, hopeful and whimsical. Like, he was trying, but, like, it didn't convey. And then watching a turn. Isn't there something to be said that this is this man's creation and vision and that to me is that's another thing with it is like they're new movies which you guys haven't watched the new movies yet right what do you mean no we're in order yeah so the new movies are like there are

all these disney movies and i don't like the new movies and there's obviously this great divide which you guys will probably know some of but i don don't know anything. I have not been following. So there's people who hate the prequels and think the prequels suck. And there's people who defend the prequels. I'm kind of in the middle where I'm like, I enjoy the prequels, but I know that they're not the best movies. Then there's people who love the new Disney Star Wars movies. And then there's people who hate them. And there's kind of like a divide between everyone.

And it gets kind of toxic in some areas. It's really, it's really crazy the whole fandom I would say is pretty toxic do you like the Mandalorian? I liked a couple episodes of it have you watched that yet?

I haven't watched it yet but we'll probably have to do an episode on it at some point and we'll watch a little bit because we gotta talk about Baby Yoda we gotta

god damn he's cute Baby Yoda's so cute I want Baby Yoda merch now but it doesn't come until April we gotta wait till April 2020 we looked it up because. I want Baby Yoda merch now, but it just won't till April. We gotta wait till April 2020. We looked it up. Yeah.

Because I also want Baby Yoda merch. We need stuffed animals and stuff. Wait, you have to wait till April 20? Yeah. That's when you guys will finally be done with? No, that's when the merch comes out. No, no, no, that's when the merch comes out. Oh, oh, wait.

You can pre-order. You looked up the merch for Baby Yoda? Hell yeah, dude. We love Baby Yoda. We want Yoda baby merch. We want Baby Yoda. Most of the Yoda in this movie did not have a consistent way of speaking. He said some things backwards and some things not.

I was like, okay. And then his voice maybe changed from the other movie? It was like older. Okay. Well, there's one big famous line of, become the Clone Wars have. Did I get it right? Yes, that was what we, Mike and I were like, what? Okay, so you could just sometimes say things totally out of order.

Mike didn't like it. We just laughed he hates this movie no yeah he hates the movie it was hard he has to watch all these with me

and he's like oh no this one's the worst one everyone hates it and I was like strap in baby we gotta watch this I mean I made John

watch all he was like doing things and I was like come on sit down we gotta watch this yeah no phones because I would pause it and ask so many questions and he would just explain things to me that's helpful I didn't

I didn't have that luxury Mike was playing chess on his phone all right anyways can you appreciate though that the first five that you've watched is like an individual's I mean no matter where it goes off to uh-huh it is just like kind of like this one person who's kind of like creating the world. I know that there were different directors and writers and stuff involved. Yeah, it's pretty impressive. No, no, I think it's very cool for those reasons. But there are other things that are just difficult to wrap your head around or accept. I agree with that.

Yeah. I mean, you know, we've loved things along the way. I loved The Phantom Menace. I thought it was a great movie. I like Return of the Jedi. Return of the Jedi is great. Yeah. Return of the Jedi might be my favorite Star Wars movie.

Wait, which one is the fifth one? The episode, that's Empire Strikes Back, the one where Han gets, gets frozen carbonite. It goes New Hope, Return of the Jedi, Empire Strikes Back, Phantom Menace. I think Empire Strikes Back

is my favorite. Yeah, that was the one you put first, I think. A lot of people love Empire Strikes Back. Yeah, and then I really like Return of the Jedi. Those two were really fun.

And then I didn't mind Phantom Menace. But that's what's kind of fun about this because we're finding like, okay, we actually like some of this stuff and maybe the next one we'll have.

So what do you think? Do you think we'll like the next one or we'll hate it? I think you'll like it more than this last. Okay. I think that you've gotten over the worst one.

Okay. And then there's like crazy stuff that happens in this next one. All right. And some people don't like it at all and then some people

like rank episode three as like, they put it like up there sometimes. Some people put it up there with like, they put it like up there. Sometimes some people put it up there with like some of the original, original trilogy. Okay. That means I'll probably like it. And I'm excited.

There's, there's, there is, there is some legit fun stuff. I mean, like you guys got me for the worst one. So I just want to say, fuck you.

You're welcome. That feels like a good place to wrap things up. A nice fuck you Mitch, we're gonna give you the opportunity To promote something that you want to promote Because we're nice Can I say, can I say, fuck you, wait Again?

You fuck That's really good It was very funny Mitch, what do you want to No, was it? Yes it was, I g? Yes, it was. Yes, it was. I giggled.

Okay, thank you. And it was an actual giggle. Thank you. I don't pretend giggle for nobody. I didn't say that. I didn't accuse you of that. Look, we'll talk about it after. Dough Boys, that's it.

Listen to Dough Boys. It's so funny. It really is. Thank you. I love Dough Boys. And honestly, I got to say, I'm a little upset that I was not asked to do the Ample Hills Creamery one. Yeah. It is... We talk about that I was not asked to do the Ample Hills Creamery one. Yeah.

We talk about you on the episode. Do you love Ample Hills? It's my favorite ice cream place. Oh, yeah, it's good. Before they had a shop in New York or in LA, I would order it from New York. Wow. And it costs $100 for four pints of ice cream. I love that you would do that.

To be overnighted to you. Yes. Now you can get it so easily. Yes, I can. Oh, my God. To be overnighted to you. Yes. Now you can get it so easily. Yes, I can. Oh, my God. I had an issue with it. What? Look, spoiler alert, it gets into the Golden Plate Club.

Okay, good. Wow. It was like, I had something in front of the pint, and we ate at the store, and there was like icy bits to it. You know when ice cream gets icy? In the door? Where it's like that little chunk of ice on it? In the pint.

Both. Oh, man. I don't like that. I'm really sorry about that. It's usually very, it should be very creamy and smooth. Yes, because they put egg yolks in their ice cream. It's more custardy than ice cream. I know too much.

Oh, wow. That's interesting about why it's different. Yeah, that's why it's like creamier. Yeah, you got a bad batch, I guess. I guess so, yeah. Real quick, because I'm not going to listen to the episode. What flavors did you get? Real quick, because I'm not going to listen to the episode.

What flavors did you get? I got the flavor of record, which is like a New York Times. Oh, okay. I may be fucked up. And then chocolate milk and cookies. Oh, my God. You didn't get ooey gooey butter cake. Chocolate milk and cookies sounds good. See, if you had taken me.

I tried ooey gooey butter cake. And you didn't like it? I did like it. It was very good. You got to get ooey gooey butter cake on a piece of ooey gooey cake. That sounds so good. They heat it up a little bit. And then you get the little, like the cold chunks with the warm chunks.

Okay. And then maybe a little caramel. And then some whipped cream. Ooh, baby. Okay, the next time like something that I need like a treat for myself to either celebrate or mourn something, I'm going there. I'm making a treat for myself to either celebrate or mourn something I'm going there I'm making a very specific plan well I hope that it's a celebration

I'm also mourning things over ice cream I had a man break up with me there oh wow at Ample Hills? yeah isn't that nice? how rude don't try to tarnish a great establishment she's not gonna cry over ice cream because that would be like the saddest thing, a fat woman just like eating ice cream, sobbing. I think that was his plan.

He was like, so she'll have to be cool about it. And I was. Well, if it's in public, I mean, what are you going to do? That's just crazy. Well, the one on Hillhurst is the one we went to and it's in like a little house. I know. It's kind of confusing. It's like, it's very cute.

It's very quaint. there's parking in the back I mean the experience was great I gave it four forks but yeah it's really good I love it anyways

Ample Hills is the other thing I'm plugging you want to plug Ample Hills ice cream I talk about them ad nauseum on my own podcast and now I'm bringing it here

oh my god they should give you free stuff they do oh good I know the owner I got my friend a job there I love Ample Hills okay I'm glad you get free stuff

well that's cool I want to plug I have a million podcasts I have with special guest Lauren Lapkus which is my improv podcast it's so funny oh thanks

you guys have been on it and that was fun it's great and those are all available on Stitcher Premium my podcast Freedom which is now coming out from behind the paywall

you can listen on free for free anywhere and Raised by TV a lot of the episodes are free most of them are so listen to that and I have a Patreon

which I'm getting going and I mean it's gonna be this comes out so much later that like I'm talking about the past but but it's okay and find me on

at Lauren Lapkus on Instagram and Twitter I have an Instagram and I have a Twitter it's at Nicole Byer I have other podcasts. Why Won't You Date Me? Best Friends

with Sashir Zameda. Sometimes I'm on Drag Her with Manu Agapian like once a month. I cried on Best Friends when I came on. You did and it was so wonderful.

Wow. We're trying to get you in my anger. You guys should do it. Oh yeah. But you're so dang busy. I've been home like 10 days

in the last three months. Oh my God. That's because you're Mr. Hollywood in Atlanta. I got into my bed 10 days in the last three months. That's because you're Mr. Hollywood in Atlanta. I got into my bed the other day. This is a good way to gross everyone out at the end of the episode. Can't wait. Cat litter in the bed. Wow, because they're

just taking over. They're just taking over. So I'm sleeping like in a big litter box. That checks out. That's when you change your sheets my friend. I know. Look, I know. You didn't have to sleep in it. I got home at night. You pull that finish

When you're home late something happens it's like you just get in. Are you kidding me? Well, I hurt my knee and I folded all my clothes and I was like I could put them away

but that requires a lot of walking so now I'm just sleeping in my laundry. See, things like that just happen. I get it. It just happens. What else, Nicole?

You've got so many things. On Netflix, you can watch Nailed It. Probably a new season will be coming out by the time this comes out. I have a special on Netflix in Comedians of the World. It's the third episode. Oh, I want to plug my Netflix special under the character. Search the characters. It's the first episode.

That's a great episode. Thanks. So is yours. You do this one character. What is she? From The Bachelorette where she's like spray tan and blonde and big eyes. My hair is complete. My face is completely orange and my body's hot.

So fucking funny. Thank you. What a dang treat. Your whole special is hilarious. Thank you. Guys, this is so fun. We love each other. We're not Star Wars.

I was very excited to be here. I could have just listened to you two talk and I'd be a happy little Yoda. That's why I listen to Doughboys. I think it's so fun just to listen to you guys. Well, we gotta have you guys back soon. I'd love to do it. I want to do an ice cream place or something sweet. We should all go to BJ's and get pizookies.

Have you done pizookies yet? Fuck yeah. We have had pizookies. Dang. I love a pizookie. Haven't done Jenny's. We haven't done a pizookie. I hate Jenny's. Have you done Van Leeuwen's? I like Jenny's. We haven't doneizookies. Dang. I love a pizookie. Haven't done Jenny's. We've done them. We haven't done a few.

I hate Jenny's. Have you done Van Leeuwen's? I like Jenny's. We haven't done Van Leeuwen's either. Van Leeuwen's is my favorite. Oh, Van Leeuwen's. Van Leeuwen's is pretty good. I love Van Leeuwen's.

Van Leeuwen's? Who's that? Just some guy. Jenny's, I once asked for a half scoop, and they wouldn't give me a half scoop, and I even explained it. I was like, I have a problem with portion control. Can I please have a half scoop of ice cream? That's very controlled.

And she said no. What? She said no? No. I was like, please just charge me for the full scoop. I just want half though because I don't want to eat the whole thing. And if it's in front of me, I will.

And she was like, can't do that. And I was like, what are you like having an inventory? It's like, can you serve me a whole one and then throw half of it out? Yeah. Like, I don't know what you have to do. I guess I could have done that, but I was like, I don't want to waste.

Well, no, then you want to eat it. Yes. This seems like that's not a Jenny's. There's just you. No, no, it's just one woman who works there. There's some crazy. Yeah. Some crazy woman.

I have to say something about the Jenny's logo. I always think it says penis. Oh. If you look at it, like kind of. Yes. It just does look like that. You just glance. You're like, ooh.

Penis. Let me get in there and get some dicks. Yum, yum, yum. Oh, my God. Okay. Well, this was a blast. It was. I enjoyed it

okay we're gonna be back with the next episode soon with uh I guess the return what the the clones Revenge of the Sith

right we just Revenge of the Sith yeah yes oh god I started do all the Siths ride on scooters

Mitch do all Siths yeah so Darth Maul in in uh Phantom Menace rode a scooter an an air scooter. And then when Anakin went to go find his mom, he was on an air scooter.

That's just a coincidence. Okay. Darth Vader isn't going to ride around on one, or the Emperor won't be riding a scooter or anything like that. Because I'm pretty sure that Dooku rides a scooter, too. It's like Prius is like a lot of people have them but not everyone like they're very common i will i will say that um just to get you guys excited that uh there is a camino alien like fully nude in the next episode wait really thank you okay i'll be watching with both eyes open i'm gonna say I will keep my eyes peeled. All right.

That was a great time. Thanks, Mitch. Bye-bye. Thank you, guys. That was a HeadGum Podcast.