Newcomers: Sports, with Nicole Byer and Lauren Lapkus - Star Wars Fanfiction (w/ Madeline Walter)

Episode Date: February 18, 2020

Warning: this episode is very, very NSFW. Nicole and Lauren are joined by writer/improviser Madeline Walter (UCB, Brooklyn Nine-Nine) to discuss fanfiction, read some hot Star Wars stories, and share their own original fanfic writings. They also discuss Freddie Prinze Jr's recent public Star Wars rant, the popularity of sneaking sexuality in kids media, and the burning question - Can you use the Force to make someone cum? Next week, we review Star Wars Ep. I - The Phantom Menace.Sources For This Episode:BookRiot - History of Fan fictionC3PO Trading Card With the "giant dick"Freddie Prinze Jr. Star Wars RantFan Fiction:He's My Brother by NotebookishTypeDistractor by MerfillyThe First by guineapiggieMusic Used:"Dream of You" from purple-planet.com“Somber Solitude" by Jordan Winslow jordanwinslow.me"Touch" Piano solo by Mattia CupelliSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Oh boy. Oh my God. It's me, Nicole Byer. I'm Lauren Lapkus. And this is another episode of Newcomers. Where we're watching Star Wars. We're diving into the whole world of Star Wars. We know nothing about this world. We're learning a lot. Yes.

We're taking a little dip away from the movies today. And we're going to talk about Star Wars fan fiction. Lauren, what do you think fan fiction is? Oh, wait, we have a guest. Well, yeah, we can introduce our guest. Our guest is Madeline Walter. She's a hilarious improviser and a writer on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Hi, Madeline.

Hi. Madeline. Hello. Okay, so what do both of you think fanfiction is? Well, I thought it was just weird sex stuff. Me too. I fully thought that. Yeah.

And now there's like a million different genres of what it can be. Like, I guess smut is basically what we thought it all was. Like nasty, nasty smut. Because Fifty Shades of Grey is Twilight fan fiction. It is? Yes, you guys didn't know that? No.

Yes, so she like, I think had self-published it. I might be wrong. I'm wrong about a lot. Oh, no, no, you're right. I'm prepared for people to come. Oh, I am. I've heard that too.

It was originally posted to fanfiction.net as fanfic based on Twilight. And she removed all the obvious Twilight references before publishing the novel. That is so interesting. Isn't that wild?

Oh, my God. Yep. So Christian Grey, I believe, is the vampire. Wouldn't you rather see that version where, like, those actors are doing all that shit? Yes, yes. As the vampires? Yeah, it, like, all makes a little more sense.

Yeah. Like, it, all makes a little more sense. Yeah. Like, it's kind of a stretch that this just, like, weird sex man just lives in the world. I know. And, like, it was so, like, slow and brooding in the same way Twilight is. Yeah. Like, that actually would really work for me. It would work for me, too, because Edward, I believe is his name, he, like, he glistens and he's glittery.

Yeah, I love that part. Yeah. And it's, like, he glistens and he's glittery. Yeah, I love that part. And it's like glistening glittery and beating a woman. Yeah. Well, and also it makes sense that he would want to hurt a woman if he's a vampire because that's sort of in his DNA. And that's like an internal conflict. They should elect a vampire. This is crazy. It's crazy that all these women were just like, yes, just a regular man who loves to hurt.

And everyone was like, yes, I'm horny now. It's not horny enough, in my opinion. Yes, I agree. I saw 50 Shades. I didn't see the first one, but I saw the second one in theaters, and it wasn't horny enough. Yeah. It's like really tame. I feel like the books, it's not written in a way that's going to excite my vagina. Have you read any of the books? I've read a snippet here and there.

They're written like a text message. They're very, like, just so poorly. And if I can say something is poorly written, it's bad. I'm a terrible writer. But reading that, I was just like, oh. Well, I'm so amazed that that was like written online. It's such a crazy thing. And OK, there's also this little factoid here that in 2013, fanfic based on the boy band One Direction secured a book and movie deal with renamed characters in 2014.

Now, do we get that? I don't know. Who knows? I'm trying to think of a movie that would fit the bill. It's like Ocean's 8 or something. Young boys having fun maybe doing gymnastics you got to change the specifics but i do think like i've i don't know enough about fan fiction but i do feel like i'm very aware that there's a whole world for it and that people

love this stuff and even like fan fiction type art where you like blend multiple universes together into one thing or... I get, I kind of get the appeal. And look, we wrote some. I mean, should we get into that or should we, let's read some real shit that we found online first. Yeah. So this one's called,

He's My Brother. The summary is, Han catches Luke and Leia alone together during the victory celebration on Endor. Oh, wow. Leia's words of reassurance echoed in Han's mind. He's my brother. Her brother?

Last you checked, this wasn't how, uh-oh, Aldurians? Alduranians? Alduranians? Oh, yeah, because Leia's from Alderaan originally. Thank you. I can't believe you know that. I rewatched most of the first movie because it has been true decades since I saw it.

So some details are fresh in my mind. Quick question. Did you like it? No. It's slow, right? It stinks. Oh, my God, yes. This is the hill I'll die on. It is the slowest movie. did you like it? no it's slow right? it stinks oh my god yes this is the hill I'll die on

it is the slowest movie I think we're right that that one's not good right? it's terrible it's a smooth truly time was going backwards as we watched it

we felt like we were yeah we were aging like by hundreds of years at a time like we were like this will never end it was so bad I didn't like it until they got

thrown in the trash. That's when it finally started to pick up. When Chewie was having a full-blown anxiety attack and no one was helping him. He's like, no. Oh, my God. Backwater moisture farmers didn't even have a reputation for griffing their siblings. Oh, God. Griffing?

What is that word? It's probably some Star Wars language. Oh, God. Grifing? What is that word? It's probably some Star Wars language. Han watched in bitter silence from the hut that had been assigned to Leia as Luke slid his gloved hand into the part of Leia's dress. Whoa. Her head fell back against him with a pleased sigh.

Han ground his teeth, transfixed by Luke's movements. It was difficult to form coherent thoughts. He knew some part of him knew that he should stop them. trans fixed by Luke's movements. It was difficult to form coherent thoughts. He knew some part of him knew that he should stop them. He struggled with the urge to take Luke by the shoulder, to pull them apart and throw a punch or two, but his feet wouldn't move. Even as he wondered if he could get a punch in,

his cock betrayed him. Stiffening at the sight of Leia like this, flush with desire and urging Luke on. He cursed silently. How could he possibly be aroused by this display? He'd come to find Leia, hoping with every fiber of his being to finally have some time alone with her, to finally show her how much he loved her, only to find her like this with Luke. Leia whimpered, pressing her hips back into Luke. Luke had to be hard. Pressed up against her like that, touching her like that, Han

rolled his lower lip between his teeth, biting down hard. He tried not to imagine how wet Leo was, or Leia was, or how it would feel to be buried knuckle deep in her slick feet. Oh, boy.

If he held his breath, he could hear the lewd squelching of Luke's gloved fingers moving through her waist. Why did he take his glove off? Oh, that's the hand he lost, right? It's his robot hand? I think his robot hand is the glove hand. A robot hand can be helpful in a time like this. I guess so. But if it's squelching, you might get shocked. And then it might malfunction because it gets wet.

Are things waterproof in this universe if they're robotic? We don't know. This is a great question. We don't know. This should be answered in here. That's what I want to know. Luke, she said breathless. Han had imagined hearing her say his name like that on several occasions.

I need more. I want you. A groan tore from Luke's throat, and he ground his cock against her ass. Are you sure? Han's heart was in his throat. All he had to do was make himself known. Just take a step, say something, anything. Yes!

She nodded emphatically. Luke hesitated for a moment. Then he withdrew his gloved hand from between Leia's legs. The obsession with the glove is too much. There's a glove on it.

Visibly on the fingers of his glove as he brought them to... Yeah! As he brought them to his lips. Ew! Off the glove?

Yes! Licked each one clean. Who, off the glove? Yes, and licked each one clean. Who licks a glove? That's disgusting. Honestly, Michael Jackson is the only person I can think of who would lick a glove. Only because he wore it so often. He probably had to lick Cheeto dust off it at some point. Han's cock pulsed,

straining uncomfortably against his clothing Leah hiked her skirt up around her waist and leaned forward bracing herself against the bridge railing oh cause they're in those

upstairs huts oh cause it's the Ewoks I thought bridge railing was a sex term and now I understand they're on a bridge yeah

bridge railing she's holding up to the railing there bearing herself for Luke instead of him you thought she was getting a bridge railing right now? That was like a new Star Wars sex term. I was like, okay, they on a bridge.

For her brother instead of her would-be lover, Luke's hands were on her bare flesh in an instant. Greedy. He covered her, pressing her into the railing and nipped along her neck. Luke pulled away from Leia, leaning back just enough to free his thick and straining cock. Jesus. Han sucked in a breath like he'd been punched in the gut. He

hated that he was complicit in this. That all he could do is Luke sank into Leia's watch. He hated that even while his blood boiled, his cock ached for attention. Oh boy, both Luke and Leah moaned as Luke thrust into her. It was too much.

Hans scrambled to free his cock, swallowing a gasp as he wrapped a hand around himself. Oh boy. After what seemed like an eternity, Luke began to move. Gloved hands sliding up to tease her breast before settling at her bare hip. Why did his eyes keep coming back to that damn glove? Oh my god. Han's hand moved in time. That was in the story by the way. Not us

commenting on his glove. Yes, correct. Literally the person writing this is obsessed. The glove is honestly the fourth person in this foursome. Yeah. Han's hand moved in time with Luke's thrusts, almost of its own volation? Volition.

Volition. We're learning the, I don't know, very many words. This is really highbrow stuff. It's hard to keep. Well, when I was typing yesterday, I was like, I don't know how to spell anything. You don't have to know how to spell anything nowadays. No one needs to know spelling.

I was trying to spell subtle, and I was like, I think there's a B in there. Yeah, you're right. But then I was like, no, no, two Ds. Then I was like, no, no, that's wrong. Okay. He tried not to imagine himself with Leia, instead focusing his attention on where Luke and Leia joined. How long has this been going on? How many times had Luke

spread her open, criped like this? Ew. The sounds of celebration seemed far off and surreal. All Han could hear was the slap of flesh, panting breaths, and the occasional murmured word. Han's knees went weak when Leia began to issue

a string of inaudible direction to Luke. Luke's gloved hand delved back between her legs, working furiously to reduce her to a shaking mess, never missing a thrust. It wasn't before Leia came apart, shuddering violently and calling Luke's name. Luke barely got two more thrusts in before he came. Han bit down on his tongue. Oh, boy. That must have hurt. I know. He's biting himself a lot. You're biting, yeah.

His whole lips and tongue must be bleeding. He's just cumming covered in blood. He shook with his own orgasm, desperate to stay quiet as he made a mess of himself. Oh, my God. It wouldn't do to get caught now. Han moved deeper in the shadows of the hut, holding his breath as he tucked himself back in his pants. We should hurry back to the party before we're missed, Leah said,

still trying to catch her breath. You mean before Han comes looking for you, Luke said. They both went quiet, heading back to the party. Han laughed humorously, collapsing into the pile of furs that passed for a bed. Your brother, huh? Oh, my God. That last line is wild.

That was honestly sick. But I will say, I think mine might be more sick. Really? It might be, it might be. I don't know. Mine's certainly strange. Mine has no sex in it. It might be. I don't know. Mine's certainly strange. Mine has no sex in it. Oh, good.

Okay. So do you know which comfort, I mean, which comfort, I just wrote the word comfort, which category your fanfic would be in on this list of terms here? Oh, yeah. Here, let me see. Mine would be. Oh, I feel like OTP is one that I hear about a lot for one true pairing. Oh.

It's like you can put in different, put characters together, like shipping people. Like C-3PO and R2-D2 probably. Yes, that's my OTP. Ooh, there's self-insert. That's where you put yourself in there. Shipping. Mine is maybe canon. Mine is, you're not going to like it.

It's very dull. So canon is the original story. This means anything related to the original source, including the plot, settings, and character development. So you wrote something that's like true to the movie itself. Well, I wrote something. I wrote like a character development piece. I like that. I think this is kind of interesting that you development piece. I like that. Yeah.

I think this is kind of interesting that you could do AU, which is alternate universe. So it's characters set in a universe other than their canonical one. So they could all be in high school together, which I think is kind of fun. It's like Muppet Babies or something where you kind of like make them. Isn't that like Riverdale? Oh, yeah. Essentially Riverdale is fanfic. Yeah. Isn't that like Riverdale? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Essentially Riverdale is fanfic. Yeah.

Interesting. I love Riverdale. I love it so much. I've seen some and it is like cool looking. I feel like I didn't get, you know, I didn't focus enough. It was kind of like I was watching it on my phone. It's crazy. Yeah. None of it makes sense, but I love it.

It's wild. Yeah. I think I kind of wish I had written dark fic, which is stories that are considerably more grim or depressing than the original, often in deliberate contrast. Mine might be dark fic. Yeah, maybe I should have written that. I was thinking about writing about how like Darth Vader won.

Oh, yeah. But then I was like, that seems not fun. Yeah, I mean, my only thing I could think of was porno shit, and I just went with that. And it flowed so naturally for me. I only thought there was porno one.

And this is very nice. Should I, like, publish? I think we should, like, start, like, a secret blog where we publish. Where we just every week turn in our fanfic to publish to blogspot.com wait have you guys seen this just makes me think of um this have you seen that picture on the internet where it looks like c-3po has a giant dick no wait you guys have to it's okay i need to see that but it's like someone drew No. It was a Star Wars card.

And some people think it was intentionally done. Some people think it was an optical illusion. But wait. Like it was like a greeting card or like a playing card? Like a trading card. Wait, well, now look. Oh, here it is. Okay. Oh, my God.

I just love that we can Google anything like this at any time. You're going to love it. Let me see. Oh, my God. Okay, so C-3PO's dick is, like, well over a foot long. Oh, no. And is a hard golden rod. Wait, that was on a playing card?

Yes, on a trading card. How on earth would they argue that that wasn't a dick? I don't know. Do you think they were, like, fucking around and then someone, like, actually printed that on accident or something? Maybe. I think maybe. Because that's, like, so insane looking. It just is a penis.

It's a big penis. Wait, you know how, like, all those Disney movies from, like, when we were little have things like that? Yes. That, like, actually reference one of them in my piece. I'm so sorry. I know we moved on, but this is truly wild. It's like a full-blown erect penis. Do you remember like on The Little Mermaid

where it had like dicks in the castle on the VHS? And then they also had like in Aladdin, like the word sex was written in the sand. There were so many things like that, that like it feels like that's definitely someone trying to speak something past people. Absolutely. And how exciting that must have been. Did you say the little mermaid on the cover?

And on the cover and then the priest. It's like little mermaid is two. I remember my friend had this gigantic TV in her basement that was like one of those things that was like five feet deep too. Like just that huge TV. It's like a cube. Yes. and we watched that part and froze like paused it on the penis and it was huge and like on the tv and we saw it like it was fully there and then i think in the rescue rangers they like fall down like into an

alleyway and then like as they pass windows there's like just a naked lady that's yeah isn't that weird do you feel like this is an early instance of gaslighting because i feel like everybody saw this stuff probably and disney was like no you're gross yeah yeah because i'm sure imagining that in a cartoon that is drawn by people not just like something that could be it's not a real cloud i'm looking at and seeing something in it. You made that. Yeah. You freaks. You freaks. They're nasty. Okay, wait.

Also, I want to talk about this Freddie Prinze Jr. thing. Oh, yeah. Okay, so my friend sent me this today that Freddie Prinze Jr. was going off about Star Wars on some, like, radio show. So I wanted to share it. I did a Star Wars cartoon. So even I get hate from star wars fans when i'm like look dog you're just mad the franchise isn't aging with you right but that ain't how it works the first one was for fucking kids right the second three were for

different fucking kids and this one is for kids you just pissed off that han solo gave the fucking millennium fucking to a girl yeah that's it because luke skywalker cinderella or sleeping beauty yeah okay he can talk to things that don't speak english and understands what they're fucking saying he gets a fairy godfather instead of a fairy godmother who teaches him how to be the best jedi in the world in no time fucking flat and everybody like i know more about the force than most people because dave filoni taught me and george lucas taught him and all these video games have fucked people up on what the force is like luke's skill doesn't dictate whether he wins or loses the emperor doesn't dictate whether he wins or loses the force dictates who wins or loses

based on balance and here's the the the quick version of how to explain it to all these people who fucking think they get to decide in the first fuck if you want to do this like time wise palpatine you would say and yoda are the smartest two palpatine clearly smarter because yoda was blind to the power of the dark side and the seduction of anakin so let's talk about the seduction of anakin fucking skywalker for a second if the emperor is the smartest dude in the universe and knows that the force dictates this if he kills who he sees as a rival anakin then he knows the force is just going to fucking correct that because the emperor knows this. These are George Lucas's words, not mine.

So fuck you if you disagree with me. Straight up. This is information, not affirmation time. Shut up, man. So the emperor knows that. So instead of killing Anakin, what does he do? He seduces Anakin to double the strength of the dark side. So then what does the force do? it balances us how it gives us twins two and fucking two balance and if you look at the

movie through just that simple perspective you will not only know why every single bad guy loses and every single good guy loses you'll know who going to win and lose in the next fucking movies. I can tell you, I just don't want to wreck it. People bitch about the dumbest shit. Like it's archetype characters. This is George Lucas's words. There is no Jack Bauer in star Wars.

That character doesn't exist. It's not Han Solo. Han Solo is a reluctant hero. Okay. That's it. I mean, I don't disagree. It sounds like our reluctant hero. Okay. That's it. I mean, I don't disagree with him. It sounds like our first episode.

Yeah. Just a lot of screaming. It's like, I mean, I get that it's good, but like, I hate it. Yeah.

Yeah. I kind of love that. I think it's brave to like, say anything negative. Yes. On a platform like, I don't know, like,

I mean, especially for him where people could come for him, but people are liking it. But also, he's saying what most of our guests have said, that their children's movies. Yeah.

Yeah, you're an adult, you watch them as a kid and they don't hold up because you're now an adult. You're an adult now. I do think like that's been something

that surprised me is how willing people are to say stuff like that. Even people who love it so much. Like we've had people on who are super fans of Star Wars, but they will say, like, yeah, I mean, it's a movie for kids. And I just have never seen that as part of the conversation as an outsider to this.

No one's ever been like, oh, I'm so nostalgic for this children's movie that I loved as a child, and that's why I love this. Because I actually think I would have gotten on board way faster if that were the case. Yeah. But I felt like I was missing out on some deep culture I didn't understand. And I don't think that were the case. Yeah. But I felt like I was missing out on some deep culture I didn't understand. And I don't think that's the case. Nope. We're picking up on it pretty quickly.

We just need the facts. You know, we're here and we're enjoying a lot of it. Should I read mine? Yes, please. We can go back and read some other one that we found online and kind of go back and forth. Okay. I'm really excited. I didn't title it.

I should have. Night falls on the warm sands of Tatooine. A brisk gust of wind sweeps sparkly grains into the air which form the words C3P6. Something hot is going down on this planet and it's not just the temperature. Luke Skywalker arrives back at his moisture farm where his aunt and uncle were once decimated and where things are bound to get super wet tonight. This is way too long, by the way.

I'll show you three moons. Luke glances up and checks in with these celestial wonders. I'll show you three moons tonight. My ass and two other asses, he winks to his guys. And maybe more, depending on how things go. He skips inside and throws off his robes. It's been a long day of lightsabering with Dad, and he is ready to unwind. Luke pours himself a giant glass of blue milk and guzzles it down his

gullet. The sick blue substance drips down his chin and he lets the droplets fall onto his lap. I can't wait for my special guest to arrive, he thinks to himself, though he also mouths the words because he can't help himself from mouthing the words of everything he thinks or reads.

It's a real problem that has caused previous girlfriends and wookies to dump him. But he's not thinking about that right now. No, he has some hot plans lined up for tonight and they are well on their way from Hoth right now. He pours four glasses of the icy

cold blue milk. Hey R2-D2, get in here, he calls playfully. R2-D2 rolls out from behind a chair. I've been here the whole time, he gurgles through computer beep-bop noises. Play me something sexy, Luke growls. R2-D2 lights up his projector screen and he starts playing a video of Princess Leia in a metal bikini. R2, you bastard, you know I recently found out she's my sister.

He bops R2-D2 on the dome, and the channel flickers to an image of Jabba the Hutt splayed out on a giant rock, listening to Chowman's Cantina or whatever he's dancing. Now that's what I'm talking about. Luke drools as he leans forward, grabbing his not-hard-yet dick that will definitely get hard soon. Just as it's getting good, C-3PO enters the room. He stammers, oh, I did not mean to see this.

Luke drops his pecker and stutters. I wasn't masturbating. I was just, just. Luke can't find his words, but he doesn't have to. C-3PO takes a step towards him and puts his shiny gold finger to Luke's plump lips. Let me do that for you, sir. C-3PO gets on his knees him and puts his shiny gold finger to Luke's plump lips. Let me do that for you, sir. C-3PO gets on his knees and starts to blow Luke really good. It's awesome.

Does C-3PO have a mouth? Really? He doesn't, right? I don't know. I think C-3PO does have a circle of lights. I think he does. I think you're right. He hums that against the dick.

It's awesome. R2-D2 is loving this and starts to flicker to an image of some stormtroopers making out. Just then, Luke hears a knock on his igloo door. Chewie groans as he steps inside, ducking his massive head, the one with eyes, so he can get through the doorframe. Luke lights up and squeals, Chewie, you made it! Chewie groans something else unintelligible, but Luke understands him. Oh good, I was hoping you'd bring your friends. Come on in and come on me, he exclaims.

That's very cute. Come on in and come on me! Chewie walks in holding the hands of two smoking hot babes. Yaddle, who is apparently a female Yoda character. And a female Wookiee who has six triple F tits swaying from her hairy torso. Oh no! C-3PO is still going to town on that hog at this point, and Luke has been so distracted that he forgot to notice how good it feels.

Now that the whole gang is here, Luke is able to really let himself go and be in the moment. He commands everyone to do what they came here to do. And he and Chewie start to lick the green flesh of Yaddle and the hairy mound of the female Wookie. All while C-3PO continues the job he set out to complete. It's all getting to be too much for Luke and suddenly he realizes he's going to explode. Here it comes, C-3PO, turn around! C-3PO turns around and opens his butt flap to accept Luke's blue milk.

It seems they have done this once or twice before. Yaddle starts to cry, saying, I wanted to accept the blue milk. Chewie and his female counterpart comfort her by expressing similar regret through groans and gargled noises. I'm sorry, guys, Luke laments. I just couldn't take it.

C-3PO is so good at what he does. R2-D2 bleeps some words. C-3PO laughs. He said I do more than just receive blue milk. Everyone cheers and laughs. Suddenly, Luke has an idea. I'm out of my blue milk, but I have some from the farm in those glasses over there if anyone would like some. Everyone smiles and cheers. Hip hip hooray.

They march over to the counter in a single file, everyone still nude, and they all pour blue milk down each other's throats until there's nothing left. Chewie says, Luke has to laugh. You're right, Chewie. It is your turn. He pushes C-3PO onto his knees. Get to work, robot. Everyone laughs. Except C-3PO and R2-D2, who share a soulless

look that seems to communicate, someday we will run this planet. That day is not today. The end. That was a real treat. Oh, well, I felt so humiliated to read it out loud. We do have to take a quick break.

Okay. And we're back. Woohoo. What a dang treat. So, yeah, I was really scared at how much, how easily that flowed out of me, and also, like, how much I had retained from the movies, because I was like, at how much how easily that flowed out of me and also like how much I had retained from the movies

because I was like they're on Tatooine and then I would like Google and verify like fact check but I was right like I was like this is crazy

that I actually know Star Wars stuff now yeah that's a whole new world blue milk even a shout out to those giant white cups

they drink blue milk out of they all look like they're drinking like blender cups from white cups they drink blue milk out of for some reason. They all look like they're drinking like blender cups from a protein shake. The blue milk is strange. It's really strange.

It is strange and also like when we looked into it and they were it's called blue milk and that's all it is. Like it's there's actually not

anything else to it. I wonder if there was ever a blue milk drink that was I felt like Disneyland should have that. They probably should. They've got to, right?

They have to. They should have blue milkshakes or something. Yeah. If they don't, we're going to be mad. I know. We're going to be really mad.

Should we read another? Yeah. Madeline, do you want to read one from the packet here? Oh, yeah. Okay. So this one

is called Distractor. Should I start with the summary? Mm-hmm. Obi-Wan is trying to work. Qui-Gon makes that dot, dot, dot hard. If I had known,

mine could be two paragraphs, that would have taken me a while. You wrote that for like 30 minutes last night. You wrote that for 30 minutes? It was honestly like just a stream of consciousness, which is what's so terrifying, I think. It's very well written.

They have a really nice art. Thank you so much. And it's very descriptive. It's like this happens and then that. I have to say I have read some like erotica in the past. And I think they use a lot of descriptors that I think are like unnecessary. Where they're like, he exclaimed or like they will say they'll describe the way every word was said with different at you know whatever the word for is um but so I was trying to do that for fun but then it like makes it very flowery and I know it's

a lot of words to not describe a lot yeah yeah yeah it's the most simple thing that's happening right there. You're like, oh, everybody fucked. Nicole, I wish that was what yours said. You just list characters and it's like, everybody fucked. They fucked. They fucked and they fucked. They all be fucking. There's my fanfic. Okay, so here is Distractor.

Obi-Wan was trying to concentrate. Really, he was. He was studying the materials for the Initiate class. Oh, the Initiate class he was supposed to handle for the week since Bant had come down with a nasty flu. However, there was a tiny distraction. His beloved, his former master, had decided it was the perfect chance to practice using the Force to absolutely devastating consequence on Obi-Wan's concentration.

The ghostly caresses were one thing, but then, just to be an utter nuisance, Qui-Gon had begun using the Force to rasp lightly over Obi-Wan's nipples. Rasp? That's good. To use the Force? So they're just sitting there? You could use the Force to, like, make someone come. I guess, but truly they're just sitting there staring at each other.

Yeah. One is like, my nips. Ooh. There was an unspoken challenge in the air. How long could the younger man continue to work, or would the elder grow bored and move on from the torment before Obi-Wan broke? Rising to the challenge, the force pressure changed just a little, wrapping around each nipple

and tweaking them lightly. Obi-Wan gasped, body bowing in response, before he glared at his lover in half-hearted reproach. You, my dearest love, are incorrigible. I like that it both imagines

weird sex stuff, but that Obi-Wan, Kenobi, and Qui-Gon Jinn have like a story long relationship. Qui-Gon smiled at him. Should I move on to other parts of your body then? The low voice and that wicked smile. Obi-Wan set his materials to the side and pounced. He could study later, he promised himself.

Oh my God. Yeah, I love that it implies that they do this all the time. Yeah. And they're, my dearest love, you're incorrigible. That's just ridiculous. I love it.

Should I read mine? I think you should. Okay. Mine is just called Star Wars Fanfic. Great title. I didn't name it a single thing.

Out of the dark waters, a small sinewy green Jedi rises. He's about two foot three inches and he's all abs. Oh my God. And if I had to guess, a real tripod. But we'll get to that later. He shakes his big head and water rolls off his wide set ears and big expressive eyes. There's a light in the air as one of the moons on the planet shines on him. Usually we see...

We both incorporated the moon. Well, I wasn't sure if there was more than one moon, but I was like, probably. One of the moons. Yeah. There are three. Oh, three. On Tatooine, at least. Well, what about on Yoda's planet?

Oh, man, I don't know. We don't know. Usually we see him robed in his Jedi robes, but tonight he's alone. In fact, he's been alone for a long time, and he hasn't taken care of himself in a while. So, like, tonight is the night. He walks past his robes, stops, and decides not to put them back on. As he walks, his rather large penis is truly slamming against his thighs. Honestly, he's pretty tired because lugging that huge dick around is tiresome.

I mean, he's two feet tall. Oh, my God. Ah, one must do what one wants. I am Yoda. I am what? I tried so hard to write a Yoda sentence. Oh, my God. I know.

I realized my yaddle sentence was not in Yoda speak. Well, it was so hard. Yeah. So now we know his name's Yoda. Yoda takes... That's a great reveal. We know it because he said it. We were wondering, who is this two foot tall hunk with a giant dick?

Who could it be? What a reveal. I like that he's a real tripod. I don't think I've heard that. Is that a man with short legs and a big dick? I think the dick is so long it can touch the ground. I just look like he's a tripod.

Yoda takes his big erect penis and like goes to town on it. Yoda is a Jedi so he knows when bad shit's about to occur so he quickly moves around the terrain and gathers his robes. Suddenly, a crash! A spacecraft smashes onto his planet, and a very handsome man tumbles out.

Yoda knows who it is. It's Luke Skywalker, sister to Leia, son to Darth, friends with Hans and Chewbacca. Oh my god. Yoda knows all that. Did you just say Hans? I call him Hans because for me it's better. And I know his name is Hans Solo. So you just listed everything Yoda knows about Hans.

Yep, he knows. So Yoda is kind of bummed because all he wanted to do was cum. But now he's got to train Luke to become a Jedi so he can kill his father Darth Vader who's like trying to kill everybody. As Yoda trains Luke, he's trying to drop subtle hints that he's down to fuck and has a huge dick. Because why not? Luke is picking up nothing he's dropping. Because why not? Because why not?

I don't know, he's five million years old. Luke keeps asking the dumbest questions and that makes Yoda even more attracted to him. Luke says he has to leave and Yoda begs him not to leave, saying, training, you do finish,

must kiss? Oh, yeah. What is the normally ordered version of that sentence? You gotta finish training, can we kiss? Oh my god. Then Luke says, I have to kiss you for training? oh my god then luke says i have to kiss you for training then yoda says yes then no and then said if it were a different time this would be okay but luke is dumb and doesn't get this me too joke

but luke leaves anyway as the ship leaves yoda's dick falls right out only luke saw yoda's alone again and vows not to jerk off till Luke comes back. Because he's really sad Luke left, but he thinks he'll be really quick. And he's like 100% sure because he's a Jedi and stuff. Wow. Oh, my God. Oh, boy. So it looks like Yoda made a mistake because it's taking forever.

Yoda isn't doing well and he needs release. He already promised not to come for anyone but Luke, but he needs to come. Yoda lays down in bed but he needs to come. Yoda lays down in bed. He lays and lays. And bam, we hear Luke come back. And he's got like a bunch of questions. And we find out Yoda has the answers.

Luke's last question was like, do you love me, Yoda? I can't stop thinking about you. Yoda's rock hard dick slides up over the blanket. Oh, yeah. Luke lowers his mouth to relieve Yoda. Yoda then disappears. He's dead because not coming can kill you. He dies just then. From just, like, being clogged

up. Yep. That's great. Did he disappear when he died? He disappears because he disappears in the movie, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That was good. That was really good. Thank you. That was very descriptive. That was wonderful. thank you i i loved it we're three for four on heavily um on masturbation focus yeah yeah that feels like a big feature of yeah fanfic of like the smut fanfic it feels like somebody's always jerking off or trying to jerk off. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah,

this, okay, I'm going to read one that was from the internet that doesn't seem as, I think it is horny, but I can't tell. Okay, we'll find out. It's shorter. It's called The First. Summary, the cabin is dark the whole time and his lips never leave hers, not once. Like, he's scared of what might escape them if he gives himself a chance to speak. Leia and Han do it for the first time. This is good because I kind of been waiting for this in the movies. Do they never do it in the movies? They haven't yet. I don't know if that comes later,

but I guess we're done with them. Yeah. Oh, because there's no sex in these movies, right? Yeah, I don't think there is. They kiss pretty chastely, yeah. This is a great sexual story, I'm going to guess. Okay. The cabin is dark the whole time and his lips...

Okay, that can't be the first sentence and the summary. Okay. Someone copied it. His lips never leave hers, not once. Like, he's scared of what might escape them if he gives himself a chance to speak. That doesn't surprise her. Anything she might see or hear when he lets control slip through his fingers would give her the means to hurt him, and he's not going to let that happen. It's good, no surprise there. She's not his first, not his fifteenth either. What surprises her is the unwilling tenderness, something almost reverent

to his touch and kisses. She thought she was a game to him, a conquest, a relief of the boredom of being trapped in a dead piece of rock. But there's more, and going by the way they're lying as far apart from each other as possible pretending to be asleep, he knows that well. He knows that All right. Here's my problem with that. His lips never leave hers, not once. But then they're laying really far apart on the bed. It just doesn't check out. Maybe they're just like an open triangle.

They're just kissing and their feet are just so far apart. That one was emotional. Yeah. I also don't like that he threatens to run away. Yeah. He threatens he to run away. Yeah. He threatens he'll run away. It's like psychological abuse. Yeah.

It's not nice. No. Okay. I want to hear Madeline's personally. Yeah. Okay. So that one we just read was like a good preparation for mine. Okay.

Because mine is similarly not sex-related but more. That's good. We need a palate cleanser. We've seen all these people fucking. I thought there might be too much sex so I tried to, or not too much. You want to balance it out. I thought it was all going to be sex.

Me too. So when I rewatched the first movie I was like most interested in Luke's aunt. Yes. We all kind of obsessed with her. She just like dies so fast, but she's like wearing like a sweater and stuff. Yeah.

Yeah, she's wearing, they're all wearing robes. She's wearing a full on like button down and a denim jacket. She's like straight out of like a, she's like a sitcom mom. Yeah. They were like, can you come do a day on Star Wars? We had the same thought. She just wandered by and they were like, can you come do a day on Star Wars? We had the same idea. She just wandered by and they were like, can you just be a man? You won't need to talk.

You're going to die so fast. There's a couple. There's another moment. I think it's in the beginning of Jedi's coming home. Return of the Jedi. Oh, my God. Return of the Jedi. Jedi's coming home.

I do like that. Return of the Jedi. I love Jedi's coming home. During the musical scene, there's also like a woman in the background who doesn't look like she belongs. Right. Maybe George Lucas is just like, wouldn't it be funny to just have a nice lady? I know. It's like anyone can look like anything.

Yeah, there are no rules. If you pay attention to the wardrobe too much, everything just looks like weird clothes. So my fanfic picks up a very specific moment in the movie. Like it is a continuation of that scene in the first movie where Luke is at dinner with his aunt and uncle. And he's like, I want to go fight. And then his uncle's like, you can't. And he storms off. So I thought, wouldn't it be interesting to know what happens between the aunt and uncle after they're cleaned? Oh, that's great.

Okay. It's a little bit dull, but what can you do? Luke stormed out of the kitchen, off to clean the droids. Beru took another sip of her blue milk and finally dared to speak. Owen, he can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have gone. It means so much to him. You'll recognize this from the movie. Her husband, Owen, as usual, didn't care to listen to her opinion. I'll make it up to him next year, I promise.

But of course, those were the usual promises her husband made. Next year, we'll go dancing in Mos Eisley. Next year, I'll take weekends off so we can travel. Next year, we'll leave this shithole of a planet and go somewhere where you can finally open that restaurant you've been dreaming of opening. Beru's whole life had passed her by in a flash of next years. I love that sentence.

I like that too. That's great. Thank you. That should be in a self-help book. Yeah I love that sentence. I like that, too. That's great. Thank you. That should be in a self-help book. Yeah, that's right. This is something. It's like, or like, eat, pray, love or something. Yeah, it's for something you read when you're like, I'm sad.

But she wouldn't let this happen to her nephew. Luke's just not a farmer, Owen, she said. He's got too much of his father in him. At the mention of Luke's father, Owen's face darkened. That's what I'm afraid of. Beru and Owen continued to eat in silence, scooping more sand from the giant plate of sand on the table into their soups. Beru had so many opinions to share,

so many thoughts on the subject of Luke Skywalker and his future. Would Owen ever ask? Beru, he called her name. She looked up expectantly. He continued, I got a lot of sand in my shoes today at that robot market. Can you clean them? Of course, Beru said, trying to hide the disappointment that fell over her moon-shaped face. As she stared into her humongous bowl of soup, she let her mind wander. Wander to a life where she didn't live on a moisture farm in a godforsaken desert of a planet. To a life where she went to culinary school instead of marrying Owen and moving to a dirt hut where the closest thing to a restaurant was that nasty bar where Jabba the Hutt goes. At the time, it had seemed so lucky, so spectacularly lucky that someone would love her, that it seemed worth it to hide her acceptance letter to the Intergalactic Restaurant Academy. Oh my God.

I love this backstory. I truly like it. And I'm like, yeah, I think I'd watch this movie. Yeah. Because she never doubted she'd be a chef, and she never doubted she'd be a success. But from the moment she understood the ways of men and women, she heartily doubted that she'd ever be a wife. She was too flat chested, too forgettable, too headstrong

without being sexy. But she had grown content with the idea that she'd be one of those women who's married to her work and hides her loneliness behind facades of money and acclaim. Then she met Owen and she had that first dangerous thought. Maybe I can have it all. This is a little too long. We're getting to the end. No, keep going. I think this is great. I think it's really great. I feel so sad.

She knew she'd made a mistake the first night she cooked for Owen, the night after their honeymoon on Naboo. She spent hours making him an original dish that would put the fanciest restaurant in space to shame. Roasted pork over a reduction of Malorian fruit and a colo-claw fish sauce that took her. I just googled Star Wars food. Five tries to get right. Owen took one big bite and said, can you just make us a big plate of sand instead? That was the moment she started to make her dreams

small. Her body followed suit. And within a year, they learned they couldn't have children. Oh, no. Raising Luke Skywalker was, which is canon. I Googled just her and learned two facts that she wanted, I think, to have a restaurant. And that she's infertile. Oh, my God. There's like no women in these movies,

and they have to, like, give her that. Yeah, truly. Her backstory unnecessarily so sad. I know, so, so sad. Raising Luke Skywalker was the one out-of-the-ordinary thing she was allowed to do in her life. That's why she felt so strongly he should be allowed to roam, allowed to enjoy the resistance,

allowed to avoid the mistakes that had trapped her in a dusty hellscape with a small-minded husband who feared adventure and a thousand recipes in her mind that would never see the light of day. Maybe she should follow Luke and walk out that door. Maybe she should join the resistance. Before she knew it, she was out of her seat and walking toward the door into the bright, unyielding, tattooing sun. Her husband's voice broke her reverie. Beru, where are you going? She turned to look at him, slumped over his bowl of sandy soup, the sun shining through his hair, showing how thin it

had become. She looked closely and saw the tiniest bit of soup that had dripped on his tunic, as though he were a little boy who had forgotten to wear his bib. Oh, and she said, I'm just going outside to clean your shoes. Oh, and she said, I'm just going outside to clean your shoes. Oh, my God. That was tragic and real. I liked it so much. I think now reading dark fic is my thing.

How do we make this into a career? That was so good. That should be in a book. I feel like someone's going to listen to that and then go back and watch the movie and be like, man, poor Baru. Because it really adds a great... What I wrote basically just makes you imagine all of them having cum on them.

Yours gives a really deep, dark backstory for a person we only see for a brief period. But we felt really bad that she died so quickly. I don't even get to know those people and then they're just done. And then you show them super dead. And Luke Clay doesn't seem like that affected. He was truly not affected in the

slightest. He was like, my uncle, I gotta go. I know. He was like, well, now I'm really gonna go. Well, you left. You didn't even I kept waiting. I like invented a scene in my memory where he goes back to be like, okay, I'm leaving. He never does. No.

Yeah. No, they get all burnt up. He says, I'm going to clean the droids and then never comes back again. Oh my God. Is there anything that you like so much that you could see yourself writing fanfic for it? Like a world that you know really well. I mean, I mentioned it before, but probably Riverdale. Yeah.

Yeah. I think that would be something people would want to read. Do you have one, Lauren? I don't know. I feel like if I, I think if I looked at it as not being smut, it opens it up a little more because I feel like I know a lot, like Full House and Saved by the Bell would probably be where I would go with it,

but giving them some rich, dark backstory would be really fun because it's such a superficial plot line every episode, you know? I think that there's some darker thing happening. Saved by the Bell, specifically the Jessie episode where she's taking the amphetamine,

you could just turn that into real, oh no, Jessie's fucking shooting heroin. Saved by the Bell, specifically the Jessie episode where she's taking the amphetamine. Yeah. You could just turn that into like real, like, oh no, Jessie's fucking shooting heroin. Yeah. What about you, Nicole? Well, I really love the movie Ghost. Oh, yeah. So I would want to insert myself into it. Oh, yes. You would be doing, what is that called?

That is called. That is called self-insert. Self-insert. Yes. I like that. Oh, oh yeah i also think crossover would be fun like i would do like family you know like you know like when like family matters and um full house like crossed over like to like create those worlds fully like or like flintstones and jetsons like i always loved when that happened as a kid because it was like weird yeah so there

actually a lot of shows are kind of doing this right now. Did you notice that on ABC? I saw some ads for like, there was like this whole throwback week they were doing where they were having characters come on the shows where it was almost like blending universes. Yeah. Oh. And it looked really interesting. I actually meant to DVR all of those episodes, but I didn't do it. Because network television is like, how do we get people back?

Disney Plus came out. It's true. Do you think that's all going to go, like all the regular cable is going to go away? I think eventually, yes. But then I don't think so. But then I do think so. I sort of feel like we could have it swing back to be like all cable again. Yeah.

Like all these streamers would be bought by like Time Warner and be put on TV. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. But be bought by like Time Warner and be put on TV. Yeah. Maybe. But I think people like the choice so much. Yeah, I think people like to be like, I can watch it on my phone. I can watch it on my actual TV. I don't know. I'm always like, well, surely cable has to stick around for the people without internet.

But like kids have homework on the internet and it doesn't matter whether you have internet or not. Right. Which is crazy. Yeah, that's not fair. No. No. Well, I saw not fair. No. No. Well, I saw a video of a kid doing his homework in the Apple store. Because he didn't have internet in his house.

What? And it bummed me the fuck out. And I was like, well, if you're going to make it mandatory that they have to do their homework online, someone should be giving like vouchers or something. I don't know. It should be accessible for everybody. It's just another way that like poor kids get left behind. And also like there is value in like poor kids get left behind. And also like

there is value in like using a book and paper. Yeah. I think so. You're already on screen so much. They do have doing

all your homework on a screen. I'm reading a book right now like on my phone and on my iPad and I don't like it. See I know

I love doing like a real book but then sometimes I feel like it's annoying to carry it around and so I always think oh I should be doing this on the phone but then I'm like but then it's to carry it around. Yes. And so I always think, oh, I should be doing this on the phone. But then I'm like, but then it's just more phone time. Yes.

And it doesn't feel like you're reading. And you get like, I guess I could put do not disturb on, but like then I was getting text messages. Yeah, I didn't like it. No, you shouldn't like have to cut off all of your communication with the world in order to read your book. Yes. They should just be two different things. Yes. Yeah.

I agree. I feel like I absorb information differently when I read it on a screen, too. I feel like I don't. I think it's easier to skim because you can scroll, but turning a page is like a full-blown action. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we're all going to die today. No, I don't even.

But just I feel like whenever I think about trying to change that i'm like yeah it's fine yeah do you have you guys gotten disney plus is that how you've been i actually just found out that i get a free year through my phone plan or whatever they sent me some email so i'm gonna get it for a year and see what it is that's nice yeah are you interested at all nicole well uh john millhiser my roommate's boyfriend jack Jackson, got Disney+, so we have it. Great. And I'm a little bummed because Escape to Witch Mountain, the version with Elizabeth Moss, is not on it. Really?

No. I thought everything was on it. Yeah, I thought so. That's crazy. Yeah. Are they going to put more things? Is part of their model of hooking you that they're going to put more things on later. I feel like they have to do that because if every single thing was there, you might just

well, some things are coming in like 2022. Oh, my God. There was this one dog movie. I think it was like Halloween dogs. Sounds really good. Yeah, it's wild. Wait, but are we going to watch The Mandalorian that new? Isn't that on Disney Plus? Is that how we say it? I think so. Yeah, Ben is watching it. How many episodes is it? I don't know how many total, but they're releasing it every week.

So they're two out. Is that where Baby Yoda comes from? Yes. Don't you think that's cute? Very cute. Baby Yoda is fucking adorable. I know. Lauren's obsessed with Yoda now.

I know. She's like, I gotta get that backpack. You gotta get that backpack. I was get, I was just about to say you gotta get a Yoda backpack. I was like, why is he a backpack? And then when I saw that he was on the back, I was like, I want the backpack. It was just so quick. It doesn't make sense if it's a Chewbacca backpack. It makes me

mad that there is a Chewbacca backpack because Chewbacca's not that size. Chewbacca would never, if Chewbacca got on your back, you would die. You would die. You would pass right away. When we go to Disneyland, are we going to buy the backpacks? Because I feel like a bunch of merch that's just going to sit in my house. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

But we need it. Yeah, you guys need merch. I really like Yoda. I like Yoda, too. Yoda is so cute. He's so adorable. Baby Yoda is going to, you're going to lose it. And then I really like the Ewoks.

I love the Ewoks. So maybe I'll get like a little Ewok and a little Yoda. Yeah. I have to ask you, have you been getting into conversations about Star Wars with people? Too many. Yes. Okay. And then sometimes alone, I think about it.

Oh, that's the worst part. But I do. One thing I found interesting is that when people are like debating me about something, I'm thinking, I actually have the same information as you. Yes. And so I'm able to have these opinions. Yes. And you can't tell me that I'm able to have these opinions. Yes. And you can't tell me that I'm wrong.

Yeah. Because you've known it longer. I think that's the real thing that turned me off. People just going, you're wrong about your opinion of this. Yes. And granted, I hadn't seen it yet, but I was like, I don't like being told I'm wrong. If I have a different opinion after I watch it, you're going to tell me I'm wrong then too. Right.

And I mean, I do have very wrong opinions. The order I like the movies, apparently, is universally wrong. What is the order you like the movies? I like Return of the Jedi, Empire Strikes Back, Phantom Menace, and then the original Star Wars is not on my list. It sucks. Yeah, but she, like, loves Phantom Menace. Oh, and everybody hated it. That's the one everybody hated.

Oh, maybe I'll watch it now. That makes me want to see it. But then again, I've been watching them as children's movies. Yeah. That's the thing. That one's basically a cartoon. Yeah, Jar Jar Binks is... This is a hill I'll die on.

Jar Jar Binks is funny. Yeah, I do think, like, with some time and distance, like, we can all appreciate him. I think people went off. Like, they were so upset back then and it was like everyone was making fun of that character so much Jar Jar Binks went to my high school the actor?

yeah Jar Jar I'm an idiot it was before me but it was one of the claims the actor? just make sure Jar Jar is swimming through the halls of your school. Well, wasn't she like

universally maligned after this? Yeah. People were like, fuck that guy. Yeah, and it's like, it's the same thing, I guess, that it sounds like it's a similar thing

that happened to that, to the little kid. Yeah. Where it's like not fair that all these people's careers were like... It's not fair at all. It's like anybody would be thrilled

to be in this movie coming. It was the first one from like 20 years later. Like, I don't know. I wonder why the fandom is so mean. There was an Asian character in Rogue One, I believe. Am I wrong? No, yeah. That people were so mean to that she like got off social media.

Oh, yeah, I remember that. She's in the improv community. I did a class with her. She's so good. I don't know her well, but I remember seeing her and being like, this is so cool.

What was the other thing? There was a black stormtrooper and people were mad about that. I really hate that. And I was like, why are you mad about ethnicities? It's crazy. Well, it's doubly crazy And I was like, why are you mad about ethnicities? It's crazy. Well, it's like doubly crazy because you're like, okay, well, do you think you could do so much better?

And we've read people's attempts at doing their own job at this, and it's crazy. Right. Yeah, people always do think that they knew how it should have been done. I do feel like I've already gotten on that horse like a couple of times though. I'm like, this one should have had less CGI. It's like, okay, who am I? I don't know. I don't know.

Yeah, but CGI, I think is a fine opinion. I think when you get into like race and gender and you're mad at race and gender, you have to like take a step back and be like, why? Why do I hate that there's a woman? Or why do I hate that there's a woman or why do i hate that there's a black character it's so interesting to me and it's like uh like people were so mad about a black ariel the little mermaid oh i think i had to correct myself because it was that there were

two versions they're making of live action so yeah there was one girl the recent one was i mean she was like um she was the uh star of moana i'm not sure but um i i was mixing up and thought people were getting mad because of the live action tv one and i was like even crazier because it's like a one night event like i don't even understand but there's still no leg to stand on with that argument like it doesn't matter what the thing is if it's one night if it's a movie that lasts forever or whatever it's like you're a racist yeah that's all that is yeah that is what in the hunger game specifically people were mad that If it's one night, if it's a movie that lasts forever or whatever, it's like you're a racist. Yeah. That's all that is. Yeah. That is what that is.

In the Hunger Games specifically, people were mad that Rue, one of the characters who's described as having cotton hair, was black. And I was like, obviously she has like an afro. Like she's black. And then I was like, and if you want to get into it, I think Katniss is Puerto Rican because they say she has olive skin. Yeah. And she comes from a poor sector. I think Katniss is Puerto Rican because they say she has olive skin. And she comes from a poor sector. And I was like, I think it's a dystopian future of our world. Yeah.

Where the people of color would be impoverished. And then everyone at the Capitol would be like white affluent people. Yeah. And I was like, guys, you can't have it all to waste. Yeah. But you know, people are bad. But that's Suzanne Collins. Who's Suzanne Collins?

She wrote The Hunger Games. Oh, okay. I don't know why I remember her name. It sounds so, it sounds like such a plain name for someone who wrote that book. But there's a Z. Yeah. Never mind.

Oh, yeah. At the end of Collins? Yeah. Never mind. Yes, I'm a Collins. Collins. Collins. No, but it does sound, her name does sound like just a lady who, like, people would be like,

ah, did you hear Suzanne wrote a book? Yeah, Suzanne wrote a book. No, Suzanne. Yeah, Suzanne. Oh, my. What's it about? The church. What was it about?

Oh, I don't know. Everybody's hungry. Kids battling. It won't take off. It's honestly really weird oh wow I think we've come to the end

I think we have honestly Madeline this is a real treat this was great thank you so much for writing that beautiful piece yes thank you so much

thank you guys so much for your beautiful pieces oh my god thank you I'm really gonna think about Yoda's floor length dick dude he's a tripod and C-3PO taking that blue milk yeah yeah yeah Oh, my God. Thank you. I'm really going to think about Yoda's floor-length dick.

Dude, he's a tripod. And C-3PO taking that blue milk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're all going to think about that for a long time. At the end of yours, the robots are like, we don't want to do this. Because it feeds into people being like, are they forced to serve these people? Yeah. Or are they doing it of free will? Yeah.

It feels, I think they don't want to, but that they are adapting and they become nice about it because there's no other choice. Survival tactic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Madeline, is there anything you want to plug right now?

Yeah. Oh, oh gosh. I don't know. You can, on Tuesdays at 9.30 at UCB, you can come see Search History. Yes. Nicole is there too.

Yes. She's a great cast. That's it. And you can watch Brooklyn Nine. Great cast. I think that's it. And you can watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Oh my gosh, yes. I always forget to plug Brooklyn Nine-Nine

because it feels like it's a whole TV show. Like it feels like crazy for me to think anybody would want me to plug it. But watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Season seven is premiering,

and you can go online to find out when. Yes. To find out the exact date. You can do a little bit of work on your own. You can Google it. And this is your second season writing on the show. Yes. It's so cool.

It's such a funny show. Yeah. Well, okay. Thank you for being here. Where can people find you, Lauren? They can find me at Lauren Lapkus on Twitter and Instagram. I also recently started a Patreon for fun where I'm doing fun, weird things. So check that out.

And that's all I really feel like talking about right now. But how about you? Well, you can find me on Instagram and Twitter at Nicole Byer. My website is NicoleByerWasTaken.com. It has a bunch of my tour dates. I have other podcasts. Best friends. Why won't you date me drag her um and then my special on netflix is called aggressively adorable and it's the third episode in comedians of the world yay oh and i want to say freedom is out from behind the paywall right now so all the episodes are coming out every week

so enjoy that and have fun um okay well I can't wait for our next episode. We're going to get back in and watch the movies. Back to the movies, is it? Or I don't know. I mean, they're so many. And they're long. All of them are two hours minimum. They're too long.

And there's just these long scenes that you're like, you could have cut this. Yeah, But no. We gotta watch it all. I guess we'll watch The Mandalorian. Everyone's talking about it. We have to know a little bit. Even if we watch just a couple episodes. I guess I gotta see Baby Yoda. And does Baby Yoda have parent Yodas? I wanna know

that too. Right? Well, here's one fun fact about Baby Yoda. He's 50, which is the age of a baby Yoda. Isn't that cute? Wait, they just cut out 50? Does he talk? He talks, I think.

I only watched one frame. Ben just showed me a clip of Baby Yoda, I think, to try to bait me into watching Mandalorian. I wonder if he has a baby voice or if he's like... You know what you know? Oh, my God.

I cannot figure out how Yoda speaks I love it but it's all like backwards roundabout ways of saying stuff like instead of going like I went to the supermarket he's like

the supermarket is where you need to get the stuff from which you get to eat I really wanted I want to see a video

of him saying exactly that yeah someone animate that for us. Someone make a little talking video of Baby Yoda. Okay, well, we love you guys. Bye. Bye. Bye. That was a HeadGum Podcast.