Newcomers: Sports, with Nicole Byer and Lauren Lapkus - The Battle of the Five Armies - Watchalong (Pt. 1/2)

Episode Date: February 23, 2021

Join Lauren Lapkus and her quarantine buddy/husband Mike Castle on this first installment of their watchalong of The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. Like the show? Rate Newcomers 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Newcomers via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey guys, Lauren Lapkus here. What you're about to experience is a watch-along to one of the many Lord of the Rings movies I watched for the first time for newcomers. I watched them all with my quarantine buddy, also known as my husband Mike Castle, and we recorded our thoughts and you can sync us up to the movie and it's like we're all hanging out. If you want more fun watch-alongs like Blank Check check and a walk to remember a goofy movie we've done a bunch or some improv with all my funny friends check out my patreon at patreon.com slash lauren lapkus

well well well if it isn't the hobbit three look i'm not happy about it but here we are we're gonna do a watch along for the third hobbit movie which is called mike uh the hobbit the battle of the five armies i'm pretty excited about it um on top of it i i want to make a note right at the jumpy jump here we are only going to record an hour and 20 right now we're going to do the first part and then we're gonna do a second part i figure since they broke the book up into three movies we should be able to break up a movie into two parts and also i cannot watch this in one sitting and also i think you can't upload a podcast that's like three hours so it's good for everyone yeah exactly um you guys you love it you guys you love it so uh if you're

following along with newcomers we've been doing lord of the Rings for the second season. And I actually liked the first Hobbit movie. I weirdly I had said in the background of some episode that you guys are recording of newcomers. Like your guests asked if I like the Hobbit and I said it sucks. And then when we watched it, I was like, oh, actually, you know what? I kind of like it this time. People just hated on that movie so much. And with more time passing, you know know i saw all of them in theaters and watching them again now it's the second time i've seen them since then i'm enjoying it all more

i'm less thinking about it as like a movie in theaters and about the actors and about like how it's not like the other ones how there are fewer practical effects and all that sort of stuff and i'm just kind of entertained by it and also lauren tends to like the things when they're almost slightly more disneyfied and so the way in which it's like fun and silly like lauren really enjoyed that sequence where they're running away from the trolls and like everything was all crazy and they're being chased by like a whole horde of them um yeah i did like that you were going crazy for it i went nutso for it but um i i will refrain from uh telling you what i thought about the second hobbit movie because we haven't released that podcast episode yet um but we can watch this

one now together and let's have a great time so we're about to hit play um even though my rule is always with all lord of the rings related things you got to watch the extended edition to be kind to lauren we're actually just watching the standard theatrical not even just to be kind to me it's the way it works for the podcast i can come and watch the extended one and talking about scenes nobody knows about she could it's all about the regular one okay agree to disagree here we go one two three warner brothers logo it's interesting it's been a minute since oh because we have good internet now I was just going to say loading loading loading like I used to say when we

do these we've had the worst internet journey that's been our unexpected journey of quarantine wow good reference thanks what if they open this again with like this meagle story where we have to see him like kill his hobbit I swear to god I wouldn't be surprised

yeah seriously thought that was going be gollum's eye metro goldwyn mayer that is such an old supposed to read it you're supposed to just know it doesn't it just feel like this whatever the silver age of movies it does it's like i gotta watch some wizard of oz right now give me that wingnut give me that wingnut babe hey if you don't mind can you drop me a wingnut the hobbit three back in the habit certainly no one thought that a person would read it like the hobbit okay it's really loud i like this it looks like harry potter land right which is deceptively small at least in the la universal city or studios whatever oh right okay oh i just remembered fry so at the end of the last movie, the dragon escapes and is like going to kill all of you.

And it's like a flame. And Frodo's like, oh no. And Bilbo's like, oh no. He goes, what have I done? Why would you take gold? Dragons like gold. Was that just Benedict Cumberbatch? I just thought that as well.

So it must have been. Yeah. There's no way we're both wrong. She's like, my plane crashed here. She's like, Sawyer. I kind of look like that prepubescent boy over there. Evangeline's hair is like amazing in this. Yeah. Wig. Yeah, it's like a mixture there. Evangeline's hair is like amazing in this. Yeah.

Wig. Yeah. It's like a mixture of your hair and Stephanie's hair. No way. It's all Stephanie. Stephanie's hair probably is that long. Yeah. But Stephanie's is usually a little more curly.

Stop paying so much attention. What did you say? Stop paying so much attention. Just kidding. I'm talking to you low as if you have headphones on. I can hear all my little asides, but you can't. Should I put headphones on? No.

Healy and keely. This looks cool. Yeah, this is fun. Is that like slime on the water? What is that? Oh, my God fun. What is that? Like slime on the water? What is that? Oh my God. Oh, is that a firework?

That is terrifying. Lauren's in y'all claim. She doesn't like fantasy. Okay. But if a fucking dragon was like fantasy, like fantasy, because they're like, well,

what if? Okay, so they're all done. I mean, that's crazy. In an instant. Oh my god. That poor old woman. Come on, Luke Evans.

You can get out of there. Yeah, smash that iron with a bucket. Whoa, that stunt guy had a moment. God. whoa that stunt guy had a moment god weak leadership is just the worst thing ugh oh these fuckheads oh okay that's silly

oh he was just trying to get the back of the boat yeah i guess how fortuitous seems like he knew I do feel like that would have killed him he's going a bit slow considering he'd finally got an escape route yeah he really took a moment to feel that string why did he why didn't he do that the entire time

bust out the roof. I think it's a different, uh, you know, I'm not, I'm not going to make excuses. He wasn't a cell. Yeah.

You know what? Why, why didn't he? No, I got to watch this interview. Someone sent me because Peter Jackson, like we've talked about this a bunch on the podcast that he basically says he improvised his way through this a bunch on the podcast that he basically says he improvised

his way through like a lot of the at least the first hobbit movie if not the second or something improvised in what sense he like played it by ear as he was going and i'm sure after doing those first three over the course of like six years or whatever he's really got a crew that knows how to move on the fly and stuff but it it's like, well, that's why these movies are so long and there's like scenes you don't need and there's like things that go on. Oh, come on now. I think that one thing I disagree with

you on is the idea of scenes that you don't need in this world because it's such like a fleshed out weird world. I like every weird aside that doesn't feel necessary like the extra fat on it is part of what I like. Same with the doesn't feel necessary like the extra fat on it is part of what I like the same with the like the books

Tolkien just goes on and on describing like lineages and all this shit you don't need to know but it ends up being kind of comforting to me okay I just thought it was interesting that he says he was like improvising

so I want to watch this interview that he explains more. You should watch this one thing they recorded of Benedict as Smaug. You know, like for the green screen recording. It's truly amazing. It makes you really appreciate what a good actor he is. Hmm. Like he's literally, he's wearing like a green screen suit thing and all that stuff and he's like in an empty room but he's doing compelling acting it's very bizarre

the idea that that one arrow was gonna kill him i kind of thought it might yeah he did well he's got like one hole in his in his scale that was revealed towards the end of the last one. So he knows that? Remember Bilbo saw it? Yeah, it's like part of the legend of the dragon. If we didn't have subtitles on, I don't know that I would have noticed that he said, duh. No way. Oh, a little kid's gonna save the day? Leave him. leave him it's just so hard to turn around a boat you know what i mean they're just they were almost out I mean

part of what's interesting about Smaug is that he speaks English and you could just be like hey dude stop and he would go like I won't stop yeah but you gotta really get it in one shot. You know what I'm saying? Whoa, that kid's really emotional.

Oh, shit. He looks like Weasley hmm Ron what just happened he got scared to death he's playing possum damn you got great eyesight smog man i wish we still had dragons around antagonizing us it would certainly be interesting it's kind of fun with mythical creatures that someone just like made them up one day

and we're like dragons, unicorns, Pegasus. Aren't unicorns mentioned in the Bible? Um, I feel like there's some weird mythical creatures that are in the Bible that I don't know about that. I guess I don't know either.

I did go to Catholic school, though. You definitely would have the best chance of knowing of all the people in this room. Definitely. There's the hole ugh yeah it's really nasty it's like when our cat like turns on me when I've been petting her

yeah I guess he was so chill up until that moment exactly wow when I've been petting her. Yeah, because he was so chill up until that moment. Wow. I always wish I had a relationship like this with my dad. You know what I mean? Just so much trust. Just so much trust

using me like a bow. Oh, dang. You dead now, Smaug. it's still gonna fuck them up it's probably because i saw the movie dragon heart too many times growing up but it makes me sad to see a dragon die i just i don't know how i feel about this because we spent the whole last movie getting to get to Smaug. Yeah, but they mixed the A-B plots to the fighting. You kill him.

I thought it was going to be more of the point of the movie. Just let it unfold. If there's something I don't know, he's going to come back to life or something. I'm not going to do anything. Alright. Hell yeah. Oh my god, perfect. He's going to come back to life or something. I'm not going to do anything. All right. Hell yeah.

Oh my God. Perfect. That's such fantasy comedy. Yeah, exactly. Jimmy Fallon. Well, don't worry. He killed everything and everyone in the town. I like the idea of words spreading without Twitter Twitter's awesome yeah

I like it it's good for us now it's the title well he just set it up with that line now everyone knows so everyone can be fighting over the spots Gandalf that's how Frodo always says his name

Gandalf the rest of us who respect Germanic languages would call him Gandalf. Lundgren. I kind of feel like everyone should stop screaming so much at this point. Like the dragon is dead. You don't need to waste your energy in that way. You're all good now.

That guy was ridiculous rolling like that. Yeah, he really was. Say dad. He'll hear you. Da just sounds like ah you know what it reminds me of is catch me outside how about da

catch me outside how about da what is she doing here what do you mean is this a whole elf area? She was like escorting them or initially she was chasing them. But then there's this weird like they want to bone each other, her and Keely. Her hair did not look red before. It disturbs me that he's like handsome.

But he's under three feet tall that's not fair under three feet tall he's got a big beard I'm not I'm not I'm not being sizist I'm saying like it confused me because she's like two feet taller than him yeah you're into it

I'm not into it it's very strange to me I'm not into it. It's just, it's very strange to me. I'm not into this relationship. That's all I mean is specifically this relationship. It just feels odd. Yeah. Almost because he's too handsome. Well, the other guy's so against it.

Yeah. He was on some British show I used to watch. But so is a dwarf smaller than a hobbit? Aiden Guillen or something I think is his name. Yes I think or I think they're about the

same size but they're thick you know what I mean. Two C's. Yeah. So he's giving her that thing that his mom gave him.

Remember when he was in that cell. She's like what's that and he's like my mom gave it to me i promised that i would return it to her or some shit i don't know i made him irish myrtle beach keep paddling dude they're all going to circle because he hasn't been doing it

you gotta cut this guy's head off he's gonna be killed now what a fucking chump he's like a wannabe of Grimmel Wormtongue from the last from Two Towers and Return I don't know what that guy was like whispering into that king guy's

ear oh yeah they owed in I'm sure in the extended edition they like tore that guy limb from limb on the ground should have cast Billy Connolly for that part I think who's that we just you know we can't do this

all right super famous Scottish comedian you've seen him a ton great I really want to knock his teeth out yeah I think he needs a reset on the teeth. Yeah, he can grow new ones. God, I hate people like this. Just kill him.

They still exist, guys. We're surrounded by cowardly, scumbag, compulsive li people like this. Just kill him. They still exist, guys. We're surrounded by cowardly, scumbag, compulsive liars like this. Rip him limb from limb. Yay. yay yay What's that over? Rebuild. we'll start over same thing crowd murmuring slash not into it I'm also just thinking about Peter Jackson being like hey put a do a drain chute

we'll set up a little drain chute oh I always think of him as being American even though I know he's not oh yeah he's an Aussie I think or a Kiwi. Let's run, you guys. We're racing. First one's there, rotten egg.

First one there's a rotten egg? First one's there, a rotten egg. Oh, sorry. I thought you said something that didn't make sense. Oh, that's like a nightmare. Just fall off that staircase. Yeah, seriously. Like anytime you have those kind of like inadvertent or intrusive suicidal thoughts, you know, like you're on a bridge or something.

You're like, what if I just jumped off? Yeah, it's like that. But it's all day and they're like, no railings. Oh, I remember this. I remember thinking the time passed in a really weird way, like he's been down there for days now. Oh, right. You know what I mean? That's confusing to me. Oh, right. You know what I mean? That's confusing to me.

That really is. The character named Keely looks like Anthony Kiedis. Which one's Keely? I'll say I'll say Scott Tissue. When we see see him you mean the dwarf who likes what's her name no i don't think that guy looks like anthony keith star tissue the guy on the right star tissue i wish you scar tissue what scar tissue that time i said star tissue but

the first time i said scar tissue okay star. Star tissue that I wish you'd love. Starcastic Mr. Know-It-All. Why are you obsessed with stars? Oh, am I? Amster? I didn't start a bee. I'm star to bee. Star to bee.

uh chill you weirdo this is pretty great oh my god i would kick it in that gold forever it's basically a ball pit for greedy grown-ups well like the all the people from that town need it so bad. True. God, it's so much. Dude, wipe some of the cobwebs down before you sit at the table. That guy's whole hair is just insane. That red bowl cut. Yeah, that guy's hair is normal.

They both look so crazy. Sometimes when you just see the scale, it's confusing. That's what I'm saying about the handsome guy. I know, I know, I know. I'm truly not being a sizist. Well, no, because, I mean, it's just a completely different realm we're talking about. There's just strange

dynamics at play. Yeah. Look, like, I love that Matt Roloff and Karen are so serious. And Amy Roloff and Chris. Oh, that's right, yeah. Oh, yeah, they're engaged. And Tori and Zach. Yeah, exactly. I'm all about it. I really am. And Peter Dinklage, who is very attractive. Well, I was I really am And Peter Dinklage who is very attractive

Well I was actually going to bring up Dinklage Because he's so handsome too When I worked with him on Between Two Ferns All of the women were like I mean myself included Were like he's like very hot He's a hot man and he's so charismatic Yeah Also the bit in that when you guys are all riding away

And he chases after is so funny It was really fun it was the windiest day ever when we did that and we had to do reshoots on it and Peter came back to the reshoots and was cool about it which you have to know is nice yeah me super easy for me to do

reshoots because I never have anything going on and it's fine and dandy. But when you're like a famous motherfucker... And they probably paid like nothing. Yeah, right. I don't know, but... I want to eat that. Maybe they did get paid a lot.

I have no idea. Isn't that funny? It's so hard to know. I always assume that if someone is famous and they're in something that they got like quadruple my salary or whatever it is. Or it always feels like they get back end points.

Yeah, probably all of the like celebrity interviews in between two friends got like something I didn't get. And they were in it for four seconds. Can we kill your ass? What happened? Yeah, right. They decided to spare him.

Sucks. Same as when they spared Grimmel Wormtongue. Well, there always has to be someone disgusting walking around in these movies. Curious what that guy actually looks like come on dude don't be a dick still the guy on the left Luke Evans I used to see him working out at my gym

oh wait one more thing about between two ferns yeah can you tell the kind of explain the Miley Cyrus outfit joke that didn't make the movie I don't even know if I'm allowed to oh okay nevermind sorry everyone

sorry y'all I shouldn't have brought it up but I'm not editing this out now even though I my instinct is to shit on CGI over practical effects I really love how this fucking guy looks I think with the orcs I'm not really upset about it

because I just feel glad that no one had to sit there and get that put on for 12 hours every day but those guys scared the shit out of me these are fucking disgusting yeah true he just said we have subtitles on it said let them come forth i just remember a college paper i wrote where i used the wrong fourth in a context like that and the teachers teachers

circled it and then wrote in the margin you're better better than that. That's so dramatic. I know. I was like, oh, am I? I wasn't even thinking about it. It's confusing that this took place before Lord of the Rings. And so he's supposed to be younger in this than he was

we've gotten really into that on the show and it's something we found annoying yeah I find it annoying as well that guy's a dork yeah he is they should have got Brett McKenzie. They lost. It's not necessary.

I wanted to see that guy on the horse again. There was something about him that was so real. That's what made me feel weird. Yeah. You think he was like second director or something? He's just some guy who's like around. I meant to say second AD. It was really pathetic and sad.

Damn. I wish people would carry me around like that. I really wish I could do that right now. To me? No, I'd be carried like that man around the house just hitting doorways go go go go go go Lauren and I have been talking about this a lot it just said

in our subtitles speaking foreign language it should there should just be an elvish caption that we don't know what it says you know what I mean like write it in elvish yeah yeah it's like when someone speaks Russian if you don't want it like in the John Wick thing it's like if they say something in Russian and we don Russian and you don't want us to know it

Then just put it in Russian Because then if someone speaks or reads Russian They would know what was being said Or for instance Mary would be able to read the Elvish And then go like oh ha ha ha He's having so much fun with Radagast What a waste of that dress

To have to like walk around there oh my god ugh all orcs must die if someone who was doing a watch along with us right now was listening to this but they're like one second late they would think I just made that noise at Cate Blanchett yuck that lady but they're like one second late. They would think I just made that noise at Cate Blanchett. Yuck, that lady.

So do we think this is mainly on a soundstage, this section i know they built out those pieces that's like a real location i'm just kidding yeah oh i was like no i have no idea it looks fake yeah it does i truly just checked the time so also this like shows the the black dark power whatever is is growing you know now all these it looks like the seven or the nine no the seven that's even more that was gandalf who was cross-eyed no he was communicating sort of on the wind with radagast who was elsewhere okay radagast was the guy that was riding through the woods before who seems to take a lot of shrooms. I hate this guy. No, you don't.

You hate Lord Eldorond? Maybe I don't. Elrond Hubbard is what we call him. Nice. But you're like, I love Saruman. I just I don't know what I think anymore. I don't know.

Great, a fight. Oh my god. A ghost can be hit and fall and shriek. If you're strong enough. You know what I think it is that I find some sometimes. Like it makes me feel like I don't fully understand fantasy or whatever. Okay. Is the, or it's, I don't know what I or whatever. Okay. Is the,

or it's, I don't know what I'm trying to say exactly, but there's this feeling I get when I think of someone who watches this and feels it's aspirational. Yeah. And that I think makes me feel a core sadness, but I also am happy for them, but I also feel this pain of wanting this to be real that makes me feel sad i i am not even i'm not saying this to be making fun of you but i do think you should tell that

to a therapist she wouldn't want to waste time it's well no that's a very interesting impulse why well because i think most people who watch it and think of it as aspirational it's more like they think about it as metaphorically aspirational where they're they're like i want to i want to be like her in that i want to be sort of honorable and strong and all this other shit like it's i don't think anyone really looks at it and is it's true aspirational i think it's always metaphorical even if it's like that means that they're gonna dress up for comic-con and all that shit it's like even so or even if they're doing larping i still think they're it's about something deeper especially because most of these

no i like myself i've read the books and all that so there's this deeper thing to it i like the the i don't think it's sad at all is what I would say it's not sad oh sorry you just said sad so I I'm just trying to quote you I'm trying to get defensive but I'm trying to find my words because I'm just trying to articulate this feeling I have I get it

and it's not an offense to anybody who likes it I actually think I really get it I just there's something that stops me in this one way where I feel like I could cry. Okay. Yeah. I don't know how to explain it.

The ring. Yeah, I was just gonna say we got Samara over here. And this sometimes says deep voice yikes that's like me trying to fight someone in my sleep no no I sleep. No. What? No. What?

Harkens back to the opening intro from The Fellowship, where she says, A darkness, a nameless power rises. If there was a Halloween this year I would consider dressing as her nice that would be cool wouldn't it yeah I've gone as Frodo a couple times that makes a lot of sense I know so one time in college I walked around with my friend ian um we both dressed as hobbits this is

like during like final exams which obviously i did not take seriously and we walked all around campus and i we were both barefoot dressed like hobbits and i was carrying a ring and then we just kept acting out like basically the last 15 minutes or so of the movie I would walk like I was in a daze most people would rip on us but it was really fun really really really really really really really really checks out I'll join him I love Christopher Lee

he fought in the world war I'll join him. I love Christopher Lee. He fought in the World War. I love that those bunnies do that. Mm-hmm. I was trying to remember the names of the bunnies. Like he said that they're this kind of rabbits or whatever, but I can't remember. Gandalf does Nala good Thank you. kill him

I just want anyone problematic to die greed is dumb as fuck Takk for at du så med. Thank you. worse I don't get how that's not Robin Williams I really think the other guy Radagast is more Robin Williams-y but I feel you whoa really good feet shot there yeesh everyone's obsessed what's the same guy

with the ring what ring I mean the acorn. You're a little idiot. He's it's like he's sweet, but it's so weird because I'm like, you're lying. Yeah, right. But he's trying to awaken him. hear them all

it's just so weird to be an asshole like just make everyone's life better in one second by giving them all a piece of the millions of pieces of gold you have and then no one has to suffer and you're also considered the best and then you also have tons of gold i know it's just fucking dick weed just pay people just give everyone pay taxes pay taxes that's the part I really don't understand how do they not have to pay them because it's a buddy system of the super elite all telling each other I'll scratch your back

and you scratch my dick billions and have to pay taxes on it but if you have less than that you do have to pay taxes on it like I don't understand how that makes any sense. This weather looks nice. Oh, God, I know. they all do that thing from Real Housewives of New York where they fight over the best rooms now I have the fucking fish room.

Turn it down a little bit. Can you turn it down? Can you turn it down a little bit? One rock goes over here. I'm going to make this one into a face. Whose face? We'll see what it looks like. Yeah, exactly.

Also, I was like, dude, you were in like a nomad two weeks ago, and now you're like, only I may stay in here and all these fucking dwarfs just following orders where's shadow facts 1.5 kg of meat Thank you. Hell yeah. hell yeah seems fun yeah it does seem fun a vase for you I'll put flowers in this

when the spring comes gee I can't wait for spring lettuce kale we've got everything what is it that's cool jeez throwing it like that

feels a little bit rude those guys look like they're from Wizard of Oz I love the fucking elk's ears coin coin Very pretty. Those were the camera. I tried to find it.

Uh-huh. It was very JJ Abrams of them. what I think we should stop recording well part one stopping here it's not even been half the movie really well the fucking lawnmower is about to start outside this dude is people must hear me talk about this all the time because it's crazy because it's constant every time lauren starts to record this fucking guy comes and he's like gotta mow the fake grass again i'm like it's crab grass it doesn't grow at all crazy it's it's honestly it's so loud it takes like two hours i guess we'll angrily stop part one here where are we at it's only 47 minutes in that feels like we have to just keep going then but see it's going

to be annoying i don't think i can oh my god this. Alright, guys. So we're pausing here at 45 minutes and 25 seconds. And it might be a three-parter. Maybe we'll do it like that to make it funny. Like three Hobbit movies, three-parter. Good lord. Alright, peace out, y'all. We'll see. Okay. Slap time. Slap time.

Slap time. Slap time. Slap time Slap time With Lauren Lapkus That was a Hiddem original