Newcomers: Sports, with Nicole Byer and Lauren Lapkus - The Battle of the Five Armies - Watchalong (Pt. 2/2)

Episode Date: March 2, 2021

Join Lauren Lapkus and her quarantine buddy/husband Mike Castle on part 2 of their watchalong of The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. Like the show? Rate Newcomers 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Newcomers via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey guys, Lauren Lapkus here. What you're about to experience is a watch-along to one of the many Lord of the Rings movies I watched for the first time for newcomers. I watched them all with my quarantine buddy, also known as my husband Mike Castle, and we recorded our thoughts and you can sync us up to the movie and it's like we're all hanging out. If you want more fun watch-alongs like Blank Check and A Walk to Remember, a goofy movie we've done a bunch, or some improv with all my funny friends, check out my Patreon at patreon.com slash Lauren Lapkus. Enjoy! slap time slap time

slap time with Lauren Lapkus alright so it's been 8 hours and the guy stopped leaf blowing and wow did he really put a lot of dust in the air you guys it was unbelievable it was a pure dust storm out there he came up onto the porch he was blowing dust around

up there he went into the driveway blew pure dust storm out there. He came up onto the porch. He was blowing dust around up there. He went into the driveway, blew some dust around down there. Then he went over to his place and then was blowing dust around over there. And then by the way, eight hours later, I just have to make it clear. This is someone who our landlord has hired. It's not he and he lives next door and it's not someone we hire. And then we bitch about how they're doing this. We don't have any control over this app.

And also there is so little yard and so little yard work to be done. It's, it's insane that he spends so much time doing it's crazy. But I have worked in this, in, in lawn care and it is, it does not take two and a half hours to do less than like 20 square feet. Yeah.

So anyway, we're back to Lord of the Rings. And I guess it was kind of good to have a few hour break. I didn't want to be cut off so early because now we still have two hours left of the movie. So we're going to hop back in. We're at 4443 on the movie. If you want to sync it up with us. 4443. Nope. 4444. Nope, 44-44.

Okay. Hit play. Well, you're not going to give a countdown? No, I'm saying... Or that you're telling them. No, no, no. I'm sorry, y'all. Give a countdown.

I was looking to Lauren. She was on her phone and I was trying to give her that look of like, please don't do any phone stuff during the next hour. I'm not. I just had to solidify something that was being dropped off. off toss that thing on a do not disturb and throw it out of throw it over there out of reach stop it's gone i can't be here watching it alone i can't i have to watch it hey man everyone will agree with me that you have missed essential parts of all these

movies and then you talk about it like for instance you guys on the return of the king one oh my god i said i said specifically oh i love pippin song right now and then we sit there and i go i had a high school teacher who played this during study hour and make all these points about it and then when they're recording the podcast someone goes pippin song lauren goes there was a song and i i went absolutely insane because it was in but then also when we're recording these i go hey you gotta keep watching she goes oh you can't tell me to watch them i go okay but you literally have to watch them and then you're gonna record the thing you're gonna not know all these obvious if you were just looking at it you would know these things so she's grounded up shut up okay here we go i do what i want one two three play

and for what it's worth it's a reason it's like it's it's actually um this is making me so angry listening to you come up with some bullshit because it's actually because actually i need to because on twitter what is happening on twitter uh i need to tweet what i was gonna say it's actually um realistic that i might miss some things when it's really long and yeah but it's it's like you're missing more than you're seeing is what it feels like i just i i have she's lying you guys go listen to that episode. No, but then I looked at the picture and I remembered. I don't know. Pippin was you fucking idiot. Okay.

There's one song. It's a lot of content. Guys, you're all on my side. I hope I'm sure no one will be. When we get to the podcast, I definitely want to know what's going on because you've been screaming at me the entire time. definitely want to know what's going on because you've been screaming at me the entire time are those the same guy it's like bad version of him he's like bad to the bone yeah it's like when gollum was talking to himself if you told me that was the same actor. I'd believe you. It's just a slightly different nose.

Which is also true of every Hobbit. So that could be fake. You mean every. Like the Hobbit characters all have fake noses. Oh you. That's not what you mean. You mean the dwarfs. Yes. I mixed them up

this is what I'm talking about you guys hey that's also a lot of info I've been calling them hobbits a while it's not great I don't know why is there a perfect like trying diamond to look through you know they were like stacking rocks and there's just a perfect looking it's weird a little bit i think thorneenshield is kind of a pussy that's the guy?

yeah the guy who's like tempted by the gold and the jewels yeah not for much longer he had subtitles on everyone he didn't know come on I like when Bilbo's hair is like this

it's like grown since earlier movies am I right? yeah it looks a little longer. What a moron. Why do you look around like that? Because he's so suspicious. He's a total hack. We just need to follow orders. this being part of his history is shocking to me

lee pace yeah i had no clue that he was in this world oh yeah you turn it down he's really good i'm a fan of ned from pushing daisies that's actually the only thing i know him from which is also part of what, like, of course, who cares that I don't know he's in this. I only know him one other thing. What other stuff has he been in? Um, let me think. He was in Guardians of the Galaxy Part 1.

He was in... Interesting. Hmm, let me... I don't know. He's so handsome. I can't remember. Yeah, that makes sense. sense oh Halt and Catch Fire an AMC show he was on wow so I really just would never cross paths with him but I loved Pushing Daisy

so it's kind of interesting that he had a little crossover onto like Network TV he was kind of one of those had a little crossover onto like network TV. Mm-hmm. He was kind of one of those guys I feel like after Pushing Daisies, he popped up in a lot of stuff for forever. Yeah. This has been another movie. Yes. Frodo wore that. Mithril.

It was that part when they're in the troll. When the cave troll like stabbed him. It's like just a t-shirt. Yeah. Yeah, he really does. He looks like he's

like a skater with like a long sleeve shirt under it totally yeah there would be like an alien face on the front he looks like the guy on uh married at first sight who wears that sleeping shirt oh my god is anyone out there watching married at first sight the new season on lifetime this it great. And there's a guy who sleeps in a gown. It's kind of fascinating. It really is. He wears like, he gets married at first sight on the show Married at First Sight. They just pair people up like a matchmaker

does it. And he, on his first night with his new bride, he puts on his... He's like, let's change into something more comfortable and then he comes out in a dress it looks like when you're a little kid you put on your dad's shirt yes i honestly i was gonna say that exact thing and i also don't and like she loved it in there like it's going great so whatever i guess great matchmaking yeah no no that matchmaking is unbelievably good you came into this room wearing a gigantic T-shirt only.

You would honestly you would just accept it because I have so many things like that that I do that I've just worn you down with. In the first night there together, he put his legs inside it. Like again, like a little kid inside a T-shirt. And there's something about that. But then she put on footie pajamas. Everyone really paused to picture that. Don't pause the movie. Don't pause the movie. to picture that. Don't pause the movie.

Don't pause the movie. But he wrapped up his legs so that he was just a little ball and a head on top with his brand new wife. But guess what she wore to bed? Giant footie pajamas and she didn't, like she wasn't phased at all. what a loser what did he just say to him

that he won't part with one single piece of gold what an asshole you're a fucking tool Mr. Mnuchin yeah I bet that really was benedict cumberbatch in the beginning that's like a fun yeah that seems totally right oh nice no the neighbors are screaming the neighbor kids scream as if it's the only way they talk i don't think i've ever heard them use their regular voices go we literally call it the screaming hour in this house one of us will always joke oh it's the screaming hour because i'll just start screaming endlessly

for like two hours at like 10 o'clock at night and we just recently got a rain sound machine and we've had to use our air purifier because the smoke in the air is so bad that we can't go outside whole normal stuff i guess they probably have stopped screaming but this also really makes a lot of white noise that will help us when they do scream I think.

What? Just laughing at what the world is now that we can't even go on a walk. Yeah I know. even go on a walk yeah i know it'd be cool if wizard hats came back into popular fashion i have thought if i had to get one piece of merch it would be that really yeah but i, but I mean, only for Halloween. I'm not going to walk around wearing that.

That's what I'm saying, though. I would like to come back in a fashion. If I wore that at Christmas with a big furry coat. They should have killed that guy when they had the chance. I know, just crush him. Thank you. Ah. even if you don't like it you gotta admit war is really cool. I couldn't understand war less. Yeah, man, same. I love when people are like, war's like chess.

And I'm like, no it's not. Chess is fun. People don't die when they play chess. Now what's in there? What's these fucking things? Now what's in there? Ugh. What's these fucking things? Gross little holes. Yeah, I love how perfectly round they are

um yuck you know what are we ever um seeing all those bats bats at the bridge in Austin? No. It's like a thing. No, I feel like when we were in Austin, someone had mentioned it, but no. I've never actually been there for it, and I don't really want to be. Yeah, I'm not super curious about that. I guess they all fly around your head and shit. I feel like the few times I've interacted with bats in my life, I didn't love it.

few times i've interacted with bats in my life i uh didn't love it i remember going to the brookfield zoo in chicago and there was a there's a bat cave there that you can walk through and all the bats are flying above your head and i was told by my camp counselor that if you threw keys up in the air the bat would catch it oh what a weird thing know. You can say that to kids because none of them have keys. And I never forgot. That's true. I couldn't test it out. Yeah. Maybe they would catch it, though.

I feel like that makes some sense with like echolocation and shit. Mm hmm. I feel like whenever I think of bats, I think of the white bat in uh ace ventura pet detective 2 when nature calls and then i subsequently think of him eating bat shit and going guano what does that mean i don't know some language for the shit i think guano oh oh but again i only know things because of what happens in movies and then i try and figure it out based on context clues. Yeah. I feel like if I smoked what was in Gandalf's pipe, I'd go insane.

I feel like Matt Rogers could do a good impression of what Lee Pace is doing. Oh, yeah, I agree. Matt's so handsome. Also, Brian Jordan Alvarez really could. I think you and I just think Brian Jordan Alvarez can basically do anything. Well, I do think that, but I also think he kind of looks like him now that I think about it. Yeah, yeah. And especially in this world

where you can make anyone who is not tall look tall. Is Lee Pace not tall? Oh, Brian Jordan Alvarez is tall. Yeah, Brian and Matt are both not tall. Although Matt's kind of, I feel like when I talk to him I don't think he's small. Matt's got to be as tall as me,

I think. Oh, okay. Those feet. That was pure slapstick comedy. Different wig it looks like for Bilbo today. Let me see. Well, it's more dirty. Okay. looks like for Bilbo today. Let me see. Well, it's more dirty. I actually think Brian Jordan Alvarez

would be so funny doing this. Yeah. I'm really curious how they're going to do SNL. With all the COVID of it all. Fortunately, nothing can affect its quality i actually really liked when they do those quarantine episodes at home i thought those were like some of the best well they really like helped highlight some of them like chloe heidi was really good yeah exactly They're both perfect for that exact format. In fact, Mikey Day was making me laugh as well.

I feel like everyone had really funny stuff because they got to have control in that way. And it wasn't like building a sketch premise around the set that's already built. Right, it was just like what can be funny in your room. Which is like what can be funny in your room yeah which is like what all of us little comedians have been doing our whole lives see they don't show the perspective enough i like this yeah well we haven't had gandalf for a bit he's been in a cage it's very confusing that he's five six yeah yeah in the book that's the height gandalf is five

six that's absolutely psychotic that's like my brother used to be obsessed with you know comic everything comic book related and when they first made the uh when they first cast hugh jackman who's like six four or something he was like but wolverine's supposed to be five five and he was like so mad about it i didn't know wolverine was supposed to be so yeah because he's supposed to be this like little guy who just like fights back like wolverine like a little animal i see that john ennis and i want the outside to look like a guy with like an axe but he's like squatting yeah you can picture some ancient dwarf going like he's like this wow it looks like a christmas movie

yeah it's got some um narnia vibes i'll never forget watching um that movie what it honestly sounds like you literally forgot as you were saying you would never forget i was trying the chronicles of narnia oh i never saw any of those when i was in um middle school in my drama class we watched the like pbs movie oh there was one before they did like a big one yeah oh. Oh yeah. It's like a play. Oh cool. But it was like on sets, but it was very low key.

Like it was very like cheap, I guess. Yeah, sure. Sure. Um, but I loved it. And I always thought about,

um, Turkish delight. I've always thought about Turkish delight as well, but I hear it's gross. Like it's not what you think it's going to be, whatever you think. But that's my thingy. to even throw it up in the air it makes me think of when people throw their babies up in the air and it's like what is this risk you're taking yeah you're just showing you kind of don't care. That one.

Yeah. He's becoming so familiar to me that I just think he's a guy. I've now spent 12 hours watching him. I gave it to him. What? Why would you gave it to him what why would you

admit it to the psycho he's like in a bathrobe he's just some guy little slippers on he's so funny

he's so fucking likable but but part of it is that he's acting funny. He's so fucking likable. But part of it is that he's acting in a way that is very connected to modern day acting. And it brings this like different sort of tone to his character. Yeah. It's not just fantasy. It's like he's kind of has like a kind of

little bit of humor here and there. Blah, blah, blah. What a penis head this guy is Thank you. Takk for ating med. they're the same yeah it's i find that to be annoying. Just kill him. You're such a D. Big egg. Just kill him. You're such a D. Big egg. You are a douchebag. So did he just summon them by saying that or were they already doing that?

I think he said something the other day about how they were going to be coming or something. It's just so crazy to think about just groups of people going like, alright, I might die doing this. It's so dumb. Especially like, you know, in this fantasy situation where you go, wait, why? Like thousands of you are expendable here

got this place and it has gold and the guy went crazy and what it's so dumb you gotta love Ian McKellen he's so good haha wait they're just peasants wait what I think this is Billy Connolly

oh it really sounds like him it is so I'm an idiot. That's funny. You probably knew that on an unconscious level. I don't think so. He's got a red beard and shit. But you've seen this, haven't you? Yeah, but I was stoned and

maybe a little drunk and my dad had just died. Okay, I see all the backstory. Good rhyme. Gracias. what wereworms I don't remember this at all what the fuck is this well you're done I mean there's no there's no coming back from this

Bill was like oh shit I mean, there's no coming back from this. Bilbo is like, oh, shit. Do they just take over and they own all the gold now? They're just desperate. Oh, that's who's making those holes. Oh. Gross. I truly feel like the dwarves are like, what have we gotten ourselves into?

We should be like hanging out at Bilbo's, breaking all his dishes. Washing them up. Cause that's what Bilbo Baggins hates. I actually really liked that part. Yeah, that was fun as hell. liked that part. Yeah, it was fun as hell. Dude.

What does stand down mean? Like don't rise to arms or whatever. Let them all kill each other then see who's left, then deal with them. Yeah. I thought they all fell. I was like, cool. That's pathetic.

Build a wall. nice that's horrible well they're killing the orcs no yeah it's just like orcs have no souls orcs should all be dead they're born out of like goo fucking dirt and blood and gandalf is this a good place to stand that would be me in war even now should i can i

i'm gonna read that's you yeah yeah do you mind if i go upstairs and read I'm going to put a little bit of water on the floor. they have a cave troll yikes this reminds me of this video i loved that i think i showed you like probably a year ago at this point but um oh that like porn thing no um a different thing just i was kidding no it was this like gigantic wooden doll that was created like a gigantic wooden walking girl that was made for this like festival in amsterdam or. Probably Ireland. It's probably called the Giant Nan or the Giant Gran, I mean. No, it's like

a young girl. Oh, interesting because you would have probably showed me that and then I would have said oh, it's like the Giant Gran in Limerick. It might even be in like Japan. Like I can't remember where it is at all. There's one in Limerick where it's like guys and they like jump and they're like pulling these ropes. Yeah, it's really cool. It's similar to that, but I always loved it and it was

as well but it looks like those guys things just dead for the bus it just immediately got CTE and died Jesus Jesus. Yuck, dude. Oh, dear God. That was really jarring since those kids look so young and innocent.

Duh! Could you pick me up some bread while you're down there? this is like Nixxiom and he just like kiss that guy in the mouth and he's like you'll be fine kisses that guy in the mouth that is the weirdest documentary is anyone watching it just crazy how these people just give in to the cult it feels like you're having like a separate podcast over there like alice in mac well i don't know yeah

yeah hopefully bilbo has that shirt on what bitch i want him done i can't see if he doesn't die i'm gonna be very mad that's not possible in my opinion it's not possible that he won't die yeah wow way to go little man hell yeah you lucked out it's an interesting thing when you have armor

on every part of your body except your throat yeah throat's gotta breathe you know whoa that was weird Shrek Shrek gone bad Shrek moldy yeah it's like one of those memes

it's like when I feel old this is what Shrek looks like now I'm like damn I'm old fun slower god it's ugly It's like now. I'm like, damn, I'm old. Wee. Fun. Slower. God, it's ugly. How would that stop it?

I don't even know. Okay, could have killed his kids instantly. Yeah, he had a ton of time. Oop. Damn, that was sick. Sick. See air in la right now it's so bad Yeah, right. He's very charismatic. Yeah, he seems to have soulful eyes.

He was Gaston. Yes. That guy sucks I know I really hate him He's got real Joey Greer vibes Joey would step on anyone to get to the top. Oh, nice. Oh, fun. No. No, not my steed.

Is Lee going to die? is Lee gonna die you can't keep going forever exactly you say that and that cues you to check the time look no no that's totally valid he can't keep going forever speaking of forever because forever can only be one hour and 40 minutes more um yeah

oh my god i actually can't believe how much more there is dare i even ask because like no i think i'm actually i think it's an hour and 20 minutes no no that can't be well yeah hour five okay good at least it's not an hour 40 yeah i think the time that you looked at that you said earlier of how long it was was actually the extended because this was shorter than the time that you said okay good but we've had so many technical difficulties an hour and i do feel this is the end yeah and no it's not yeah yeah our technical difficulties have caused this to go on for um somewhere around four to five hours yeah it's been unbelievable oh don't show us Show us that. Lena Dunham? Wait, how are we going to pull out a win, boys? They always make you wonder.

All means between. And the world. What? That's the Pippin song. Oh, my God. What? Okay, that guy's got Pippin song. Oh my God. What? Okay, that guy's got too many prosthetics. The bald guy?

Yeah. Mm-hmm. You're a loser imagine like not having a phone and just like sitting in there he's just like sitting there being a bitch you're a fucking oh my god you you're a fucking oh my god what are you that's exactly the opposite of what you should say treasure we made up treasure you fucking it is worth all the blood we can spend what are you talking about? Treasure is made up. Gold is nothing. It's a metal. Oh, good. This guy told me he sucks. push him if you told us that this guy was going to be the voice of reason yeah when i saw that

sort of um what were those little like magnetic art things you would get at like the gas station where like it's like a bald guy's face and pull little magnet pieces i know exactly what you're talking about exactly like that he does and if i had seen that guy and you told me that guy's gonna tell you something that you're really going to agree with what was said. Nope. Yeah, he's like if a kid was trying to demean or hurt the figure in one of those. He's like, I won't put hair on his head. I'll put it all over his stupid

face. Why are you still saying the same thing? Is the floor gold i think so seems kind of like a waste but it's literally worthless if you have a society where there's nothing right i don't think we need the voice like the recap because I do think I already know what he's thinking just said it okay you know what

actually I'm going to go back on what I said earlier about like you know not trimming the fat this is trimmable fat for sure on shrooms. It's just too much. uh you look so dumb yeah i know just thinking about filming this okay so like in the gold it's like butter it like eats you up you throw your crown i want to help everyone i want to volunteer now i care i can really feel it in my bones that we're about to get like a death i don't know if it's going to be the ben connelly character I do need someone

to pass soon just to kind of break it up a little bit yeah this guy's just chilling he's basically me playing Civilization 6 is that your game that's for that's for all my Civ fans out there

yeah that's the thing i've been playing on the pc where you come over and you try and talk to me and i say you get away from me stay away oh that game do not press that button i know i know we know. We have this thing on this Apple TV where, I gotta turn it off, where it's like a notification from the NBA app that tells you if something is something worth clicking to immediately

is happening in a basketball game. And it just was like, you might want to watch this. This is what's happening between the Celtics. Right when the king is like changing his whole perception and it's like, oh, there's only three minutes left. Celtics might win the heat. What was the name of the show that Megan Rath was on before Hawaii Five-0?

It was this like sci-fi show. And it also had Sam Huntington on it. I don't know. Damn it. Anyway, this guy was in the British version of it. So every time I see him, I'm like, oh yeah, that guy. Cool. Whatever the fuck that show is called you know I just got like a flash of Mel Gibson

in that guy's face so wait he's trying to be better for real? Yeah, now he's trying to be a good boy. I'm glad he had such an easy change of heart from that one guy. Yeah, but I was like, all right, so nine of you are going to join this group that is huge? You think some of these hobbits are,

I mean, dwarves are going to die because Nicole and I were kind of wondering about that. Because what? Nicole and I have been wondering about that because like... Oh, you're saying if any of the main dwarves? Yeah. I have a vague memory of one of them dying. It kind of feels like we need them to.

They play like a 14 minute long rabble song. Whoa. That was available that whole time? Feels like the bell wasn't set up in a good spot. That's what I'm saying. It just knocks them all on their ass I kind of feel like if you're the king You don't want to be the first guy running into the battle

But that's how we know he's changed Yeah Selflessnessありがとうございました。 the way McKellen just delivered that line it felt like it was the title of the movie yeah rallying to their king they're rallying yes the battle of the five

armies yeah that one the rallying yes the battle of the five armies yeah that one was so yeah that was pure hook it was definitely like from a wrestling WWF thing oh my god Thank you

Stab him I was just gonna say Just cut his head off Mmm Delicious gold Turn his head off. Mmm. Delicious gold. I'm a fucking turd. Where are you going to spend it?

There's literally nothing. Whenever I hear you say literally, I always think of the lap time podcast you did with Gabrus where you're doing a bane impression i'm literally too many of these fuckers i i don't I don't.

I do feel like in another life I could have had the nickname Azog the Defiler. I'll call you Azog if you want. No, no, wait. Wait, let me think. That thing's too big and it shouldn't be the first thing to go for that exact reason

how do you know that from that far it's feely heedy and dwelling and one of their goats is a girl those kind of those orcs like i think because they're brainless they're just so bad at fighting they just get killed instantly that's why they're so far back from the main battle it's the weakest dudes they're just like squish that was sick yeah but it was an orc or an orc

they have no souls ah I've been honestly sitting here going how's it five armies she's like but I like him I have his little myrtle beach stone wait a minute where asog do the fire go at? Oh, yeah. One more thing about the neighbors who are constantly making noise they also have a caged bird that just it makes one of the most horrible noises i've ever heard all day long it's a pure squawk it's almost every second and i want it dead actually yeah I remember when we first moved in we heard it and I was like

after a while we won't even notice it when in reality I notice it more after a while I just don't know how anyone could have a bird in your apartment that's squawking so loudly that other people can hear it in like neighboring places. Yep. Why you would want that in your home is very confusing to me. I would marry Bilbo. Yeah, I know you would.

You basically have. Don't give yourself so much credit. Come on. Amazing creatures, hobbits. You can learn everything there is to know about them, and still, they will surprise you. Did you make that up? No, he says it about Frodo and, um, Fellowship. He hasn't used that in a while.

You haven't what? He hasn't used that in a while. You haven't what? He hasn't used that in a while. The ring. Oh, yeah. also Matt Cook looks like him why do so many people look like him? oh yeah Matt Cook does look like him I don't think Matt Cook, Brian Jordan Alvarez and Matt Rogers look like yet I think they could all do an impression of this.

Ah! I thought he hit her face. he'd be like okay was that him kissing him goodbye? Mm-hmm. Truly pathetic. Oh, thank God. Something has to kill this guy. No, stop saving her. I know know it's so annoying you that was weird I kind of have my money on that guy to die.

That random? I think he's either. I think he's Healy. Gå in på kåpan. I think I meant feely when I said heely. I didn't know where you got that. I was like, so now there's a heely? There's feely, keely, heely. Hey, honestly, there should be a jeely. he is the one we're least attached to because i don't really think anything of that one. No, I know. I just think of him because his name rhymes with the other guy. Yeah.

Aw, don't kill him. That sucks. It's sad. Aw. Ugh. Dude, you gotta chill. I don't think it's gonna work out for you, dude. You gotta chill. I don't think it's gonna work out for you, dude. Yo. Bilbo, toss that ring on, my guy. Idiot. kill him not him

the other one as though they're taking orders from you. Wrong him. Okay, those bats are huge. Well, you gotta remember. But then the hobbit is one inch tall. I mean, that doesn't make any sense. I know, I know.

Ugh. They're soulless zombies. Those are really soulless zombies those are really soulless I love how that one looks there are so many instances where Bilbo is like thinking something horrible is gonna happen and then some like real man comes in and just like handle shit he's like oh yeah okay a different

kind of man not a real man oh yeah i just mean someone wanted to swing an axe because i'm bilbo oh yeah i forgot that's the one she loves now. That's going to be bad. Her first job was as a background actor in an episode of Felicity, I think. Wow. Or maybe Alias. Then J.J. Abrams was like, she's great. I like her.

And then he eventually put her in Lost. Wow. What a journey, right? It's crazy you know it's when things are cgi they often seem to lack a certain mass. Like the things themselves. It doesn't feel super guttural or intense when any of those things get killed. I feel like there's like thick black blood with the orc eye in the LTR series. Right. Can I?

Oh, my God. I had to kill. Yeah, but for a little while he gets to dream you know whose perspective is this oh my god he just killed it while it was carrying him five stars Oh my god he just killed it while it was Carrying him Five stars Going for the keely Get it I missed what you said what He said going for the kill and I said going for the keely

Oh hell yeah I love that I don't really care for puns I only like them in war time You need a little bit of levity in war Exactly I don't really care for puns. I only like them in wartime. You need a little bit of levity in war. Exactly. Stop yelling each other's names you're distracting oh damn oh my god she gotta get invisalign you think it knocked her teeth crooked yeah

right when i said it i was thinking yeah she she got a gap knocked into her teeth moans She got a gap knocked into her teeth. Moans. I want to write subtitles for movies because I would not say that she just sighed. Well, there was a point where Gandalf had something and it said, oh, yeah. Oh, come on now. She's really getting trounced. Eh? Oh, she's going to get killed, but Keeley's going to save her.

Yeah. Yippee! Ooh, that's got to hurt. Okay, maybe they both stab each other at the same time and die it's gotta be you know it's gotta have a certain level of wokeness to it where it can't just be a guy saving helpless girl like fucking every movie from no like i think 1999 the orc and keely stab each other at the same time and then die. Oh no. Oh no. Very cool of the orc to give him this moment.

He's like give her one last look. Is she gonna roll off the cliff and just die? No. Ugh. Brutal. He's like, I like pizza.

Just totally unrelated to the moment. Pizza is best with mushrooms look at his like dick cover that's like a skull it's fun to think of like him making it and it's fun to think of him like having genitals okay it's over for you genitals. Okay, it's over for you. Oh.

Oh, both of them together. I can't believe Keeley died. That's pretty cuckoo. Oh, no. This is a bit much. Your quiver is empty. Is that what that's called, a quiver? The quiver is the thing, I think. The what?

Like the arrow is a quiver or something? Oh, I thought the arrow holder is a quiver. I might be wrong. I'm not allowed to look at my phone, so I don't know. Oh, that one got fuckediver. I might be wrong. I'm not allowed to look at my phone so I don't know. Why is it like Oh my goodness. Oh my god. Oh my god. It's like a broken toy in Toy Story.

Yes, yes. He was totally designed by Sid. Oh, hell yeah. That's convenient. Set up a little boss battle, you know? Sometimes when you think you're breaking a mountain, you're actually building a bridge. You always say that at the perfect time. This, it always finds a way. I kind of, I think I might be in denial

about Keeley's death right now he gone yeah no he definitely gone kill this thing don't even respect it by like fighting it just stab hey Lauren relax no okay

sorry yeah get it right in the little Achilles tendon Achilles tendon Achilles Achilles there's one it's like there's just so many of them

two It's like there's just so many of them. Two. You're going to throw it? Me? No. But I do feel Legolas might. You're so stupid. I know. What is wrong with me? I need help. He just threw that. It didn't show us because there was no way to make it happen. Yeah, they were like, any angle he does it at will look nuts.

Oh, nice though. That's good. It's a little something to make Thorin maybe not hate elves so much. Ooh, good grab. Now this is a sword I like. This is the last guy. I love a nice unconventional weapon. Using a skip it. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I forgot about skip it. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

I forgot about skip. It's I wanted one. So I always wanted one as well, but I knew I would be bad at it. I know I'd be so good that I get bored. Yeah, exactly. You really would. I do want to mention on the podcast right here that the other day, Lauren and I were talking about dancing with the stars and I said we're talking about how

you give so much credit to the people doing it because it's like basically Lauren was saying she feels emotional when she watches it and I do as well and I said it's because it's my it's literally my worst nightmare to have to go and dance sincerely in front of people just to say this while I think is being stabbed in the head

and a guy does a backflip off him onto a thing um then lauren agreed that i would be bad at it and then now i believe actually that i would win it so he's dead set on eventually being on dancing with the stars

and winning so i think he would be horrible on it and dance like a weird eighth grade boy yes that's what you said i was gonna say you had a good description but i'm wondering other people in relationships do you have this the moment your your so doesn't believe in you you you have to prove them wrong don't know your so oh this is fun i just learned about a similar thing to this on this little show called cobra kai oh my god remember what am i remembering in the miyagi dough when the

robbie and i can get the girl's name sam are trying to balance on that this is almost done oh my god how can there be 33 more well I guess it makes sense because they're going to kill each other right now there's always 30 more minutes oh the eagles they're going to sweep in and save him

he's the luckiest motherfucker or they're just going to save everyone else because he doesn't deserve it. Oh, Radagast. I love him. Although I do feel like if you have a Radagast in this,

just fucking bring Tom Bombadil into this. What is that caveman? He was the guy that becomes a bear. Oh, wow. We haven't thought about him in a while. Yeah, exactly. That's what they do by making all these movies so fucking long is that they can surprise you with

things cause you can't possibly retain all of it see you later dude that's a nice sort of humiliating way to kill this thing like a weight is just dragging him down ew that's my worst nightmare drowning in

ice cold actually watch the I retweeted this video on how to like pull yourself out if you were if you fell under ice yes oh really what it really is is you're supposed to like take a like breathe calm down because it's your if you lose your breathing it's way harder.

Sure. And you're like heartbeat and everything. And then you try to lift your leg. You hold on with your arms on the ice and you kick your legs up so you're horizontal. Okay. And then you keep kicking forward. Kicking the ice. You're not submerged.

You fell on a loose... If you're walking on an ice thing submerged you fell in a hole like you fell on a loose uh you know if you're walking on an ice thing and it busts in i see and you had room to put your legs basically you have to like underneath the ice or even if there is no ice get yourself at horizontal don't try to just pull yourself up with all your arm strength lauren's telling this by the way to azog the defiler yeah so what he should be doing right now is he should be holding his arms on the edge of the ice and kick his legs up horizontal. So he's like flat. Like if he was laying on his stomach on the ground and then push, propel yourself forward with your feet in the water and gripping the thing and pulling yourself forward, not trying to get go.

Oh, damn. Well, if you. But what about if you have a weapon? You could go under the guy and stab his feet. That was crazy. That was crazy i enjoyed the the moment i feel like he could have or whatever thorn or whatever i should have just like gone away and enjoyed that that guy was dying yeah or he should have just stabbed right down through the ice into his heart oh no though it does feel like who knows, we have 30 minutes left,

and one of them has to die, and it feels weird if it's the king, because then the orc still needs to be beaten by the other guys, but then it gives something for all the dwarves to do. Leave something for me. Holy moly. Oh, wow. What you said was going to happen.

Oh, yeah. It did said was going to happen. Oh, yeah. It did eventually happen. Elsewhere. It's like Romeo and Juliet. Mm-hmm. These guys always need each other. I want to die looking in your eyes,

and I want you to die looking into my eyes. My wife. Oh, now he's scared he's still nothing man you're like a mean like a high school bully you're looking down at him as he dies you're still nothing he is nothing

no I totally agree he's a bad guy show us where he hit you. Yeah, it's over for you. Welcome to the Hotel Californiaia that's a meme what he says the eagles are coming and then it's just those guys singing that i have to pee but i don't know if i should do the mic thing where I just get up and leave. I guess you shouldn't. Shouldn't? Yeah.

Cool. Or we can pause it and I'll stay and talk to the folks here. We've done so much that you're going to have to figure out later with all the pausing we've had to do. Sure. I can't do that to you. So, well. Just die. to you. So. Oh. Just die. Thank you.

He looks like he just came out of his bedroom. Yeah, he always does. Oh, it's real bad. back. Hmm. That's nice. Ooh, I've never seen the feet like that. God, he's so good. I know. At acting, y'all. I'm not saying he's so good hard at it but he is

he's just now the size of her hand he's in there visit Myrtle Beach what does it mean? Now you return home What does he want? Yeah right So everyone's dead Except the mains what does he want yeah right so everyone's dead

except the mains where are all my dwarves that's gonna be like a sort of tramp at moment where they all like poop like pop out of some like orc holes or are you talking to me he's known as strider, but his name is Aragorn. We call him Rocky. Well, they are talking about Aragorn.

Mine wasn't a joke. Mm-hmm. Keep my mother's name out your mouth. Hey, eat shit dude I literally can't believe I have to watch all of these I mean you're done I am done but now there's going to be a whole nother we have like a lot more episodes.

Well, I can't wait to watch the animated Hobbit. That one seems fine. I haven't seen it since I was a kid. I loved it, though. Apparently there's a Tolkien documentary. Oh, do you have to watch that Tolkien movie with Nicholas Holt? Probably.

And Phil Cowan's daughter. He was the one saying it wasn't the whole time? Yeah. ... With tongue You gotta have tongue She's not a prude I'm alive. It's a cute little picture. They should print it out and save it. Yeah, I was going to say put it on Instagram.

That feeling when you've literally killed every gay. You're still not home yet. Sucking air. Hey, somebody, Gandalf? Somebody say something? Maybe go sit somewhere else? You gonna keep rattling that pipe next to me? Can one of those eagles drop him off at home so he doesn't have to, like, walk the whole way?

It's called there and back again Oh They're all fine Yeah we just lost you know Feely, Keeley, Thorin Oakenshield But so they're all fine Yeah Feely, Keeley, Thorin Oakenshield. But so they're all fine. Yeah.

A little bit. I miss Azog the Defiler. What are they going to be threatened by now? You know, he just had the kind of energy I liked. Now begins the five endings. It is like really like come on that's kind of cute that woman has a good hat it's kind of like the Japanese one I have

yeah it's just like yours yep I guess I don't need anything Songs will be sung, tales will be tongue he's just some guy my friend my homie he was like a boss you know what I mean and like My friend. My homie. He was like a boss, you know what I mean?

You mourn your boss, but... But it's fine. Gang's all here. Alright, one last picture. Far left looks like Kelseysey grimer oh my god don't knock on my fucking door Star tissue, Dado Aww You said star tissue again? Yes

Look at that little circle of whole hair missing on his head Aww, that makes me want to cry And maybe I hear the Maybe I hear the teaser for it back and out bell bows out don't go knocking maybe i seem a bit confused well that's because i just killed 2000 orcs and i do know what to do with all the dirty dishes and lego lie spread lumbus bread they're calling it again this is pretty I like this

everyone they pass on the way back should be Benedict Cumberbatch mhm Everyone they pass on the way back should be Benedict Cumberbatch. Mm-hmm. See, I weirdly think the second movie should have ended with Smaug destructing the town. I completely agree with you. Other than the word destructing. It's called The Desolation of Smaug. Yeah.

So they should have killed Smaug. And then the movie starts. But I guess when you came out of desolation at the end, you know what I'm saying? I guess I keep thinking of the decimation. And then what about how you just said destructing earlier? Did you mean destroying? Yeah.

You wish I would release you? I'm your SO. We're getting really close to the end here. Yeah, I can feel it. I'm your SO. We're getting really close to the end here. So yeah, I can feel it. I feel like the way he's dressed, it's like when an American goes abroad for a semester and they come back and they,

they now wear a cravat. Like everyone's going to see him and they're like, uh, he's like, actually where I went, they actually really wore these a lot. No need to worry about that ring. What a little liar. You just hear that lie?

Who said that? Bilbo. Look, he's just going to live alone he should have the ring just a couple things from his travels do you think something different happens to him if he uses it as a cock ring you have to answer that question i'm'm your guest. I think the jizz becomes blurry. That's really scary, actually. This is so cute. It made me say such a gross thing over it. Yep.

Okay. Oh, that's so annoying. Can they see him? Like, everyone turn it around. Fuckers. It's been 13 months. What is it? He didn't want to say he's a burglar. Oh. My boss. my boss that is depressing that just gave me anxiety seeing this how gross of everyone

I mean 13 months months, though. It's a long time. Hope you guys heard our nightly motorcycle. I just like move in. Well, you know, I guess it's probably got new priorities now and so forth. Okay. Can't believe I didn't remember that so many of the dwarves died. I just can't believe how long they're spending on this part. Okay, you're breathing.

Oh my God, put it on. Well, now it's going to be Ian Holm. Look how old that hand is. Okay. so now it's the beginning of that movie yeah that's cute yeah it's cute as hell wow now here's what's crazy i want to now i immediately want to watch fellowship i i get what you mean. Yeah. Look, it was a journey just to get through the these movies. And I do have to talk about it for another hour tomorrow. So I'm going to wrap it up here.

For sure. For sure. I have to pee as well. But thanks, you guys. Thanks for sticking with us through that one. That was a journey. That was a real journey. And we've got a bunch of suggestions I've seen of things we should do watch longss for so we should do something like cilia and shorter yeah i want to do one of the

ones that i read i want to do um dennis the menace that seems oh that's fun that's really fun yeah okay i've also been wanting people comments on this please i think maybe i've already said it but i really want to do into the spider verse which lauren hasn't seen oh yeah okay but i do think we did john wick yes that means we gotta do That means we've got to do John Wick 2 and 3. Okay. But I feel like I deserve a little like fun. Sure. Okay. Guest house?

Shut up. All right. Bye, everybody. See you next time. Slap time. Slap time. Slap time. Slap time.

With Lauren Lapkus. That was a HeadGum original.