Newcomers: Sports, with Nicole Byer and Lauren Lapkus - The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (w/ Zach Reino)

Episode Date: September 29, 2020

Actor, writer and podcaster Zach Reino (A.P. Bio, Off Book: The Improvised Musical) joins Lauren and Nicole to close out the rollercoaster that has been the Hobbit trilogy with a deep dive into The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies.With Zach's musical prowess, the three work together to devise the greatest LOTR musical ever, with one idea just being Bilbo asking/singing for his stuff back from his neighbors the whole time. They also do their actual very best to decipher who all five of the armies are, and to comprehend how Benedict Cumberbatch could have possibly provided a motion capture performance for a gigantic dragon. Stick around to find out if Lauren regrets her fulfilled wish of some dwarves being killed off!Like the show? Rate Newcomers 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts and let us know what LOTR media you'd like the series to cover.Sources for this episode:GameRant article on the Gollum video gameBenedict Cumberbatch's MoCap session as SmaugTrivia from MovieMistakes.comTrivia from IMDbAdvertise on Newcomers via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Thorin. You gave a promise. You brought upon them only ruin and death. You've won the mountain, is that not enough? Now... We defend it. I came to reclaim something of mine.

I came to reclaim something of mine. This was the last move in a master plan. A plan long in the making. These bats are bred for one purpose. For war. Leave Sauron to me. Bilbo is right. You cannot see what you have become.

Everything I did, I did for them. You started this. You will forgive me if I finish it. When faced with death, what can anyone do? I will not hide while others fight our battles for us! You have but one question to answer. How shall this day end? Субтитры добавил DimaTorzok Oh boy, it's another episode of Newcomers, and I am Nicole Byers. You came into that so freshly excited. It felt like you were excited. I just felt excited to hear you.

I'm Lauren Lapkus. We're watching The Lord of the Rings for the first time and everything else that entails, which, by the way, is many things, apparently. So many things. Books and all the movies and Hobbit spin-offs and stuff. Have you watched the books yet? We have not watched the books.

We're going to just push them against our heads and hope they get it. Just hold a book on either side of my head and be like, Oh my God. I don't know if you guys have seen it, but there's this meme of this little boy. I guess it's not a meme. It's just a video. He's like in China or somewhere and he's in school and he's got his book open

and he's scooping the words into him. It's so precious. I love that. Anyway, Lord of the Rings. We are, this is the seventh episode of the new season. And of course, last season we did all of Star Wars. And, you know, we're going through the franchise with the help of nerds, super fans,

sometimes even people who've contributed to the movies. And we started with the Lord of the Rings trilogy that came out throughout the 2000s. But now we're watching all of the Hobbit movies. We wrote some fan fiction, which was really sexual and moving. We're going to check out the spinoffs. We're going to watch animated movies, as Nicole said.

We're going to do it all. So today we're talking about The Hobbit, The Battle of the Five Armies, and you can rent it on Amazon Prime for $3.99 or stream it on Sling. Yep, so this is the last film in the Hobbit film trilogy. So we're talking about the Hobbit, the Battle of Five Armies. I'll tell you something. I was like, who the fuck are these armies and why are they fighting again? I was so confused.

I don't know. And so much. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Well, let's just. So much has happened. I mean, what did. How do you feel about this movie overall? Just the real quick. Did you hate it? Real quick.

OK, I didn't hate it. I think I liked it the most out of the three. Oh. But I will say this. How dare you end the second movie with this cliffhanger and then Smaug comes and burns up everybody and then immediately dies. I agree.

That was a huge problem for me. I was like, why don't we see that at the end of the second movie? And then this movie is the result of that. I don't know why. We had to, I mean, of course, we only waited a week. There are people who waited a year to see that and then it was like over in an instant it's just

it's crazy it's like having a crush on someone and then you finally have sex and it's bad yes absolutely yes watching Smaug die so quickly was like a bad fuck yeah so I was really shocked by that because I thought that Smaug was going to play a big role in this one. Same.

Seems like he probably should. Sorry. He should. We should introduce our guest. We're really excited about our guest today. Zach Reno. Zach is a performer, writer, composer who has appeared on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, AP Bio, Party Over Here, Conan, Comedy Bang Bang, Adam Runes Everything, and more. And he's also the star of the college humor Go 90 series, Fatal Decision. Whoa. Rest in peace, Go 90. Conan, Comedy Bang Bang, Adam Ruins Everything, and more. And he's also the star of the College Humor Go90 series, Fatal Decision.

Whoa, rest in peace, Go90. Welcome, Zach. I was like, what is Go90? That's an excellent question. I truly recall when that was a big deal that everyone was talking about. Go90 was from Verizon? Yes. So Go90 was Verizon's sort of idea where like, how can we make our customers use up their

data plan very, very quickly? And the sort of solution to like how can we make our customers use up their data plan very very quickly and the sort of solution to that was Go90 but that was a very fun show that I did with College Humor that was at the time like the longest acting paycheck I had ever had which was great that's always good we also mentioned you're on Bruce Brothers with my husband Mike Castle

and you are the host of Off Book which is fucking amazing the podcast that everyone should listen to if you haven't heard it yet y'all have both done it it's so much fun so good not because like we're friends but like you and jess are so fucking talented yeah it's an improvised musical and it's like from start to finish so much fun thanks friends every time i hear you guys do what you do i am completely in awe'm like, this is a very special skill. It is the result of not being good at anything else.

It is like truly. That's how we're all here. Yeah. But it's like, it is like the laser focus within, like if you spend a ton of time on improv, the outside world is like, what are you doing? Now picture that and push all of that into like musical improv. Yeah it's even uh it has but yeah i mean we've been very i'm very lucky to have uh such like jess is so incredible and so much great you guys so much fun to work with and

um luckily like we get to do a bunch of musical written stuff so i guess we do sort of like flex those muscles in other in other places but yeah no I think also like well just really quickly about that just that the podcast world has been so helpful in the sense that you guys could do that on stage all day and like everyone's like amazed but like getting to do it on a podcast where you can reach people and add in all the like instruments and all that stuff it's so amazing yeah for people that like don't have a big improv theater in their city, podcasts have been very cool for that. Yeah.

Oh my God. We're changing lives. We really are one day at a time. Basically, we're making the biggest difference. Yes. Wait, Zach, how did you become a Lord of the Rings fan and why? Sure. I've been, Lord of the Rings was sort of my gateway into a bunch of other fandoms like those.

I read the books first and then I read The Hobbit. At some point I watched the original Hobbit movie. So short, so animated, so concise. Not to interrupt. Please, please. People keep saying they read the books first. Who gave them to you i no one has no one ever suggested in my life to read them they weren't like in school part of the curriculum no

that's a good question my gut is to say that my dad gave them to me because he had read them he is not by the way like a fantasy nerd by any stretch but he he did sort of like take in all of the cultural touchstone like there's another there's a sci-fi trilogy called foundation which is isaac asimov and it is like one of the um one of the sort of like seminal sci-fi works uh i guess of like um yeah and he he's read, but that's very much like the only sci-fi book I've ever heard him say that he read. So I'm pretty sure that he bought them for me. I also had the books on CD. It was like nine CDs.

And I think that must have just been the first book because it would have been so much longer than that wow i'm so like that was my end and then that sort of got me interested in a bunch of other fantasy authors later in life who arguably um whose writing style i like more than mr tolkien what's wrong with mr tolkien's writing style tell me about this okay well so you know how all the dwarves have the exact same name and everyone is the same name as their dad, except like a couple. It's like, I am Boromor, son of Boromir,

who was son of Doronir, and they come from the mountains. It's like, it's sort of, for lack of a better word, flowery and overly, it actually is too specific like when Hobbit and Co. wander into a new forest I actually don't

need the last 20 years of what this tree has been up to like spelled out to me in great detail and like all of the famous birds and bird lords who lived in the trees and like their great deeds to be sung to me in song and stone is not sort of what i'm here for in this book i do just need to know how

they get out of this forest now i understand why the movies are so fucking long i didn't know that the books would give you like the history of trees yeah they're trying to cram a lot in there but not the hobbit which and i know y'all have talked about this before, because I've listened to what you thought, but the big problem here is like, with this movie, not to jump too far ahead, but it's like, why is this?

Three movies. There's no reason for it to be three movies. I would have, and I could have watched like, Smaug like, fuck with shit for way longer. Same. I loved Smaug.

Because Smaug is the villain of The Hobbit. He's not the villain of one third of The Hobbit. He's the villain of all of The Hobbit. If he was around the whole movie, let's say he destructed the town in the end of the second one, and then he flew around through the whole war that's happening of the five armies,

and then he was the last thing, more than the orc or whatever. I think that would have been more interesting. I agree. Yes. And also like, who would you have made angry with that? Like, is that different from the books?

Yes. But like, who are we, who is like such a diehard reader of the Hobbit that they're like, well, they're done with the dragon. So this just has to be the armies. And even though we get to it an hour deep into the movie the last hour and 20 minutes has to just be the armies I just want to see those

so I have trouble with this who are the there's this five armies in a battle those armies are the humans I guess we can call that an army even though it's really just a bunch of people that just had their houses burned down there's the orcs.

That's definitely an army, right? That one's an army. The elves, that one's an army. The dwarves are not an army for most of it until later when they are an army. They get tough all of a sudden, and they're like, we got to do it. We got to be an army.

We're not an army. We need to call my cousin. He's got the army. And then is the fifth army the goblins it's the viewer yeah it's definitely the viewer the fifth army is new york city we were the we were the army all along wait who are the goblins the gobs so it's true there's this moment there's this. They're up in the ice. I don't remember this from The Hobbit, but apparently it happens.

They're like, we have to go kill the big orc on the tall ice. We got to get up there and kill that guy. We're so mad at him. As they're up there, they're like, goblin, goblin mercenaries are coming. Seems like about a hundred of them. We've got it. And there's two of them. Wait, is the fifth army, the people who come on the eagles led by Rastaf it and there's two of them. Wait. Is the fifth army the people

who come on the eagles led by Rastafarian? That's my other question. Are the birds and the bear that they drop the army? Is that the army? That feels like an army. I think so. Okay. I buy that. Because they kick some ass. They do. Those eagles, you know the thing about eagles and the Lord of the Rings

because you've seen eagles, right? You saw them at the very end. They can save the day and shit. They save the day. Yeah, they can scoop you up. But they never show up until you need them. Because they don't take sides. But they're, I mean, Nicole, you can't sit on the sidelines.

That's a choice, right? You're right, Fred, it's a choice. To be novel, you're picking sides. If you don't, just because you're not in there, doesn't mean you're right that is a choice to be novel like you're you're picking sides if you don't just because you're not in there why aren't they flying in like right at the beginning and just like scooping up all the dwarves and just like getting them back home i just want them to go home why are we not dropping the ring directly into the volcano with oh yes that would solve a lot of problems and that is what the internet shouts about a lot for the last 20 20 20 years if you want to get into it.

That stuff I don't care about so much. Zach, are you a fan of the Hobbit movies? Because I feel like a lot of Lord of the Ringies don't like the Hobbit movies. I'm so ambivalent on the Hobbit movies that this movie that I watched for y'all last night is the first of the Hobbit movies I have ever seen. And only one, by the way. I have not seen Unexpected Journey or the other one. I saw the first, I saw the original trilogy in theaters and when these came out, I was like,

I think the fact that I knew from the jump they were doing it in three made me be like, absolutely not. I am not, like, there's no reason I don't need to live in Middle Earth that badly. That's just not the, like, for the't need to live in middle earth that badly. That's just not the,

like for the people that do totally get it. No shade. It's just not my thing. I feel like what I really want is a movie that just takes place in the Shire. Same. Yeah. Lauren,

I was so happy at the end when they were back at the Shire. And they were like taking all this stuff. And I was like, this is fun. Like we could have spent an hour here. They were like, he died. Like they were back at the Shire. And they were like taking all this stuff and I was like, this is fun. Like we could have spent an hour here while they were like, he died. Like they could have had a whole storyline. No joke. Bilbo going house to house

trying to get his shit back from all of his neighbors that have stole it is like a movie I would very much be into. Yes. I agree. I would be into it. Oh my God. Okay. Well then, so where does does this i mean obviously it's not your favorite but where would this rank for you with the lord of the rings it's my favorite of the

three hobbit movies and the only one i'm the only one i've seen okay um i'd love the story of the hobbit yeah but are you asking about this movie specifically? This ranks below the this ranks fourth out of four for the for the four Peter Jackson properties that I have seen. Now, apparently there was a Lord of the Rings probably right off the top of your head right now. I'm not going to make you do that, but I believe in you. What characters and storylines would you focus on to make this a good show? Well, we can do this together.

I think y'all know enough about this that we can figure this out. So the first question I think that we need to ask ourselves is the Jurassic Park question. It's like, just because we can, doesn't mean we should. Because you should know that the Lord of the Rings musical at the time is I think one of the biggest West End flops

in the history of the West End dang I'm so surprised when things like this don't do well because it feels like there's such an audience and yeah I think that was their thought too I feel like it's different people like different people like Lord of the Rings and different people like musical theater. And then when you put them together, it's like, what the fuck is this? Yeah. And I think that you can even make the argument that those people are the same, but that that thing that they like is not the same. Right. Like, I don't know that I need to or or slash want to hear Gandalf singing a big song about you not being able to pass like you I don't know if

that's a song in the musical I'm sold that would be so funny but like it has to be a comedy right and this musical 100% was not it was like let's do a serious Lord of the Rings musical and like Hobbits will have some fun sometimes.

Yeah. And like that's, I don't know who that's for. Like people that love Les Mis but want, I don't, I don't, I just don't know. So I think if you're gonna make, I think you're both right. If you're gonna make a Lord of the Rings musical it's gotta be a comedy.

Like front to back. Also, was this musical like three and a half hours, four hours long? Oh, at least. How about that Harry Potter musical or whatever that's like eight hours long? You have to go back. You can't just, you have to like go, you leave for a little bit and then you go back or you see it one day and then the next day. It is two plays. I was going to go see it, butk rowling is wild she's an angry woman i know she's done now honestly yeah you you actually can't give money to jk rowling anymore for any reason no i would never oh although i was gonna say i would never go to something that was

that long but i did last year go see the inheritanceheritance, this play that was so amazing. And it was eight, no, it was like six hours or something. You went there for the first three or however long, and then we went and got dinner, and then we came back and watched the rest. And it was, thankfully, I loved it. So I feel like if you didn't like it, it would be hard to return. Right. Wow. Six hours. What I understand of The Cursed Child, which is a post-Harry Potter series play, is that a lot of what is fantastic about it is the fact that it is a sort of masterpiece of stagecraft. There's a ton of incredible practical visual,

basically magic that happens on stage because I bought it when it came out and read it front to back and was like, fun. I like the lore. I like that is a world that I do sort of like want to live in or did until recently. You bought the musical? No, no, no. I bought the book version of the play. Like you could buy the play. It just came out looking like a book. Oh, it wasn't a book first? No. It was just a play? It's just a play. Wow. I'm wrong.

That's okay. We're all wrong. That's okay. Most of the time. But it is too, but McKenna has seen it and loved it and thought it was like, but she didn't like it after having just read it. So I think it does survive based on like,

it is a physical marvel to watch. And this lord of the rings musical which i haven't seen but have seen clips of um you do get strong cirque de soleil vibes from watching it where it does feel like oh someone's on silks now like in lord of the rings to do like it's supposed to be like a visual yeah spectacle which again like if Cirque du Soleil were to do a Lord of the Rings themed show that's just like a circus show that looks like one, that would be dope.

I would mess with that 100%. I really would. If that was a thing, I would force Nicole to go to Vegas with me to go see it. I would go. Because Cirque du Soleil, it'll be an hour and a half. They'll play big Enya music with drums and you'll like it's just like it'll be an hour and a half they'll play like big enya music with drums

and you'll you'll like it um and then you'll watch like people do cool sword fighting stuff but i don't need to hear them sing if they're gonna sing we need like like you said like bilbo trying to get back all of his stuff that his neighbors have stolen that's a musical that I would write 100% yeah the whole thing is just that it's all in the Shire like Sauron shows up and is like wait Sauron you took my stuff too he's like yes I'm the dark lord and I need I actually

have some of your stuff he's like I needed a rug I needed a rug and you were dead so I did take it like that's a great musical I would or I would do like I would really want to focus in like I would do the smog musical where it's just smog sitting on his treasure

killing like wave after wave of people that are coming and trying to like steal his shit that's fun I like that that's fun I would do that I mean this is like a deeper cut there's a character who is in the books who is cut out of the Lord of the Rings movies called, I know, amazing, right? They had to take stuff out of it.

His name is Tom Bombadil, the Forest Lord. We have heard of him. Yeah. Gabrus likes Tom Bombadil. Yes. I was thinking Gabrus' Mad Simone was cut and then it was who you said. It's Tom Bombadil. It's Tom Bombadil, the Forest Lord, and his very his very special boots and like he's a ridiculous character could probably do a

musical about him i mean i feel like these are all good ideas that should be real what about y'all though what if you were gonna make one i think if i were to make one i would probably not do it you know i would just yeah yeah honestly same yeah, yeah. Honestly, same. Yeah, same. I would be like, you know, I think I'll take my creativity elsewhere. But maybe I would do it on. So I liked, I can't remember his name, but he looks like Nick Jonas. And then the elf that they put in the movie. I would do my musical on The Hobbit from this movie.

Okay. With Nick Jonas, one of those. He's not a hobbit, he's a dwarf. He's got the long hair. The dwarf elf romance. Oh. Yeah. That's what I would do. Oh, I like that. Forbidden love. A storyline that, by the way, was given no time in this movie

at all. I know. They really breezed through that. They needed that fight to be an hour. They didn't have time. They had to do the hour-long fight. I personally think if I was going to make a musical, I would just do it about the dwarves because they're my favorite. And they did sing.

They had that one song. It's weird. Not in this one. Yes, and then they didn't sing again. So it's like they set us up for maybe more musicality and then didn't follow through. I know. And there's some musical elements of these movies. There two songs i guess that i can think of but why

and and why not more and i think when i saw the dwarves doing the dishes and singing i was like this is fun i like this it's like snow white it's snow white yes exactly yeah i there i remember when the hobbit movies were being made and there was like this trailer for it. That was basically a documentary, like a mini, like it was a very quick, like seven or 10 minute music, like YouTube video or whatever. That was just about like the lore of the making of the good song that they

were writing for this movie. And they were like, we're using like the scale of middle earth. Like these are the notes and the scale of middle earth to write it. And like the music nerd in me can kind of get down with that, except that none of it's really real because, because like, here are the notes we use in,

in Western music and it's all of them. And there's not that many of them. Right. So they're just going to have notes. Like, I mean, like there's not notes we can't hear. So the notes are inherently our notes as well. The dog music.

I mean, there's a little bit of that. I don't know if y'all have seen or listened to Wicked. Yes. Oh my gosh, am I wrong? But Stephen Schwartz is Wicked, right? I believe. Yes, I don't know that. Anyway, so he has thiszy and scale that he composed

wicked in which is like it's like a musical leitmotif that we do revisit throughout wicked and to give the world like a specific feel and that is the idea that they're trying to do here but it's like when you say that you're gonna do it you're building it up on such a pedestal that there's just no way to deliver like the most authentic lord of the like because you're building it up on such a pedestal that there's just no way to deliver like the most authentic lord of the like because you're making it up that's really interesting i don't i guess i've never really heard of what you're talking about some that's very interesting thinking about wicked as an example that there definitely is like a specific tone i don't know how to describe it like yeah musical terms really but like a vibe that is like consistent throughout

the whole thing you either feel it or you don't right like that's the that's the point like you shouldn't know how to describe it to be like oh all of this music feels like it fits in this same like fantasy world yeah that's interesting well did you do you like the scores of these movies like how do you feel about the music in the films themselves? Like the actual. I think. Soundtrack. Yeah. I mean, I,

for one, like, and this is not the whitest thing about me, but it's up there. Like I can fully get down with like Enya and her sort of Orinoco flow vibes. And she's, she's laying down and she is like a big part of the scoring soundtrack of the original trilogy. Is she really?

Yes. Yes. I like Enya. I like that one song. Which one? Who can die? Only time. When I die.

I found an hour loop of it on YouTube and sometimes I listen to it for an hour. Yeah, that's the song Only Time, Nicole. That's the song Only Time. It's good. I like that one and I like Orinoco Flow. And then there's one other one that was really popular I can't think of. I don't know that one.

Sail Away. How does that one go? It's Sail Away. Sail Away is fun. Sail Away. I don't know if Enya makes you super white. I think Enya is transcendent. Okay.

I'll take it. Yeah, it's like the soul risen. Yeah. It's like a bird became light and that light made music. Honestly, yes. That's a perfect description of Inga's music. So she's not like the composer, but she wrote a song for the movie. And I think it's used in one of the trailers.

And you can see why they're kind of like a good fit. Her music can be kind of ethereal. It feels a little otherworldly in a way that's good. I did not really notice the music in this movie. I did in the original Lord of the Rings. I liked the music in the original Lord of the Rings. But in this movie, the only time when I noticed the music was when they had just won the they were blowing on the big horn for some reason I'm trying to remember why they were blowing on oh that's at the end yes it was

I think they were just blowing to let you know that the war is done we won the war it's time to blow the war over horn yeah but there was like the composer in me was like, okay, we're going to blow the horn and we're playing. So everyone is listening now because you're showing me on screen that we're playing an instrument. And whenever that has happened up into this movie at this point, it's just been like, it's like a one note horn. This one was like a series of horn chord progressions that absolutely could not have been

being made by this instrument. Just no way. Absolutely not. So you think that like what you do cinematically in that thing is like, okay, you play the big noise and then you do this other horn stuff under it. Everyone will buy that.

But it totally took me out because I was like, am I supposed to think that you're playing like a hundred trumpets on this one big trumpet? Because you're not. The music because I was like, am I supposed to think that you're playing like a hundred trumpets on this one big trumpet? Because you're not. The music I thought was like fine in this one, but it wasn't like even in a movie like Avengers, like you hear the Avengers theme come on. You're like, yes, I remember this.

Every time you play it, I'm like, okay. It's good. It's just like a good theme. I could not tell you what the theme of this movie was. Maybe if I had listened to the first two, then I would be getting like reprise vibes from it. I can't think of what it is. Me either.

The only thing I'm thinking of is that music video in Lord of the Rings where Pippin or the other one is just like in the window singing. I'm like, that's the vibe of Lord of the Rings for me. There is that Lord of the Rings song that's like ba- for three movies. You're right. It's true. Nicole, it's time for The Shire Wire, which is our new segment. The Shire Wire. Whoa.

There's a new Lord of the Rings video game on the way starring Gollum. Dandelic Entertainment is developing a new Lord of the Rings video game called The Lord of the Rings Gollum. Ew. You guys aren't big Andy Serkis heads? You're not Serkis freaks? I just don't like this little stringy-haired idiot being like,

precious, and losing the ring, and he's killing people and eating raw fish. He's not for me. He's not for you. He's also not for me. The player of the game will likely control Gollum from the time he received the ring until his demise at Mount Doom and will bear witness to new, never-before-told stories about Gollum's adventure.

Stealth and moral choices will likely play a big role, and according to a Game Rant article, the Lord of the Rings Gollum will tell Gollum's story from start to finish and could provide a compelling narrative about mental health. Could? What? Who do we know in real life who has gone crazy over a ring and became a shriveled

up little person with big feet who who i don't know nobody hmm yeah that's a that's a that's a tricky needle to thread isn't it that's like that feels like well we wanted to make a lord of the rings game but also it's very meaningful about mental health because um we've all been driven mad by a ring of power um i don't know that's wild to me because there are certain video i mean like i'm down for video games doing crazy stuff i'm generally on board um but to play a character who is like a less good Hobbit than Bilbo, like, cause there is the story about how he ends up with the ring in the first place. And I don't remember that. Oh, he like kills his fucking friend. Right.

His friend just has it. And he's like, I want it. I'm covetous of that. I kill. And then like, it slowly turns them into that over time. And then it slowly turns them into that over time. Tolkien is into that, by the way, of the people fundamentally. Because you know the whole thing about the orcs were elves once.

What? Yeah. So that's a thing that they want you to believe in this universe, is that the orcs were elves who got tortured real bad for real long, and now they're orcs. Oh, I thought they were born out of goo. That's what I thought. I think when they start making new themselves, they do born themselves out of goo. You know who this video game is for?

It's for a woman who's just like really wants her boyfriend to propose. And she slowly turns into this little goblin who's like, why won't he give me the ring? I want my ring. I want a big wedding and a dress. So I do think this game is for somebody. That's a better game though, Nicole. Like that's a better video game. Like it's a Lord of the Rings game where you play Katrina

and Katrina is solely driven mad by the ring of power, which is the wedding ring that she needs her boyfriend to buy for her. And it destroys her. The focus on marriage from our society destroys her. That's a good video game. I truly need to see a drawing of this. If anyone out there can do that, that is necessary.

Should we take a break? Yes. I've got to. and we're back oh okay first here's my issues with the movie i hate that i already said that smile gets defeated and then that fiery vagina comes and then that gets defeated real quick and i was like so these things are so easy to kill. Why are we fucking worried about them? And then the I had a problem with the Thorin was talking to the other Orlando Bloom with the brown hair through like a glory hole. But like they were kind of the same height at the glory hole.

And I was like, that's not it. That can't be. Oh, maybe he was bending down. Maybe he was on a rock. We was, we didn't see the rock that Thor, but it really made me upset.

I was like, can we just like really be in the world? Like you're not the same height. That's such a good point. That's an incredibly good point. Those two looked like twins to me. And I kept getting confused with who they were. And then that part where they were looking through the hole,

I was like, so is this like a mirror? Like it truly was. Right? They were too similar. But you know what would have been so funny? You know what would have been so funny is if they had made the dwarf the right height. And every time we cut to that side,

we just see the top of his head. That's a better, that's a great movie. Just his hair. Oh wait, before we like go into it, John Milhiser he wants me to mention something funny he said last night he was like they should have called it back in the hobbit like sister act back in the back of the habit yeah and then he and then uh the guy who looks like orlando bloom with hair, he was like, that's not Orlando Bloom. That's Tampa Bloom.

And he texted me to make sure that I said these things on the podcast. Tampa Bloom. I love that. Well, this movie was released in December, 2014, of course, directed by Peter Jackson.

And it is an epic high fantasy film, um, written by Jackson, Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, and Guillermo del Toro. And it's the third and final installment in Peter Jackson's three-part film adaptation based on The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien, following an unexpected journey and desolation of smog. And together they act as a prequel

to Jackson's Lord of the Rings film trilogy, which I did think came together very nicely in the end in a way that I found satisfying for my brain of trying to understand the timeline. Yes, absolutely. Can you imagine if they had done it in one very good movie, how satisfied you might have been? Yes. I was like, this should have been the movie. Like there was a lot of stuff in the first two movies that I was like, who fucking cares? Like this had all the action that I needed.

I agree. There. Yes. Yeah. I think 100%. How many pages do you think this movie was to look at it? This three, this three hour movie.

We heard that Peter Jackson improvised a lot of shit. So maybe it was two pages. I mean, truly how much dialogue is actually. I mean, I think like half the pages were blank and he could just draw whatever he wants this one i draw big moose elf rides the moose in this one i like i did i did like the reindeer that's sort of where i i'm coming to all movies wanting them to be fantastic beasts and where to find, which is not a good movie. But I do like to see the big owls.

Wait, was Fantastic Beasts, was that a book before a movie? No, no, no. Or is it just a movie? Okay, so in the middle of Harry Potter being released, there were two very, very slim, like, quote unquote, in-universe textbooks that were released that were to raise money for, they were, they were for charity, but it was basically,

um, rolling, doing like filling out the world. And like, and one of those books was fantastic beasts and where to find them. The other one was quit it, quit it through the ages. So she did a book for charity and then turn it into a movie so she could

make more money. Has nothing to do with the movie whatsoever. Bad. Yeah, Fantastic Beasts was just them like, we made so much money off of Harry Potter, how do we make more? We need to keep the story going and we can't fire Johnny Depp. We need to keep him on in all of the movies. Wild, how do we keep talking about this woman?

Well, do you want to get into the in-depth summary here of our plot? Let's do it. It should be so fast, right? I feel like I could do it in, I feel like each of us could do it in three sentences if we had to. We could, but we won't. No, we are going to do it in two pages.

Yes, two pages, which I think is... In the spirit of The Hobbit. The least amount? i think this is the shortest summary yeah that's true um okay i'll kick it off so bilbo and the dwarves watch from the lonely mountain as the dragon smaug sets lake town ablaze i liked this part bard breaks out of prison and eventually kills smaug with the black arrow brought to him by his son bane smaug's falling body crushes the fleeing master of Laketown and his cronies, who are

escaping on a boat laden with the town's gold. Bard becomes the new leader of the people of Laketown as they seek refuge in the ruins of Dale, while Legolas travels to investigate Mount Gundabad with Toriel. Thorin, now struck with dragon sickness over the vast

treasure in the mountain, searches obsessively for the Arkenstone, which Bilbo had previously found but kept hidden. Upon hearing that Lake Town survivors have fled to Dale, he orders the entrance of the Lonely Mountain sealed off. I don't know how I missed her getting dragon sickness. I didn't hear that either. He has it, right? Thorin. Thorin. Oh, Thorin. Not Toriel. Okay. Thorin, not Toriel. I think I, yes. I didn't hear that either Oh he has it right Torrin Torrin Oh Torrin

Not Torrin Okay Torrin not Toriel Yes Torrin not Toriel Toriel has dwarf love sickness For the dwarf

Yes She loves that dwarf And they're like No So Meanwhile Glateral Elrond Hubbard

And Sar Saruman Arrive at Dol Girl Golder Free candy And sending him to safety Elrond Hubbard and Saruman arrive at Dol Guldur and free Gandhi and sending him to safety with Aradagast. They battle and defeat the Nazgul and a formless Sauron, the flaming vagina himself.

Azog sends his son, Balgog, to Gundabad to summon their second army. Wait, who is Azog? That's his son? I didn't realize that was his son. Okay, so the big the guy with one arm the big orc with one arm

his son is apparently the one that killed our friends, the dwarf and the elephant love. Oh, right. The one that they're fighting. I don't think of them as having a family tree. Yeah, I feel like they're just orgs.

No, that's his dad. And you can really tell from the acting. Speaking of weird dad stuff, it's wild that not that not orlando bloom used his son as like the bow right yeah wait did his son die no i think he's fine okay also i was like how come your son knows how to kill smog and you don't like where do you get that arrow from and also just an arrow kills smog if you hit him if you hit him just right. He has a hole. He's got missing one scale.

You got to shoot it so good. And I did think it was crazy though when he just turned to center and he was like, if you move an inch, this is fucked basically. Like using his shoulder. Oh my God.

This is like in Star Wars where in Rogue One, they have to like go fucking blow up something from inside something. And it's like one thing. I'm not doing a very good thing, a good job of describing what I think I know.

Whatever. It's also hard. Someone will know out there. Someone will know. It's very much like every time you have to, the smog and the Death Star are incredibly similar in that they are big, giant destruction monsters with one very gaping,

big flaw, which is a little hole that if you shoot inside of it does actually kill them entirely. Yeah. That's a great point, Nicole. Everyone's going to be really proud of you for that.

Thank you. So Thranduil and an elf army arrive in Dale and form an alliance with Bard in order to reclaim a treasure once withheld

from them by Thror. Bard goes to the mountain and asks Thorin for the share of gold that he had previously promised the people of Laketown, but Thorin refuses. Bilbo sneaks out of Erebor to hand the Arkenstone over to Thranduil and Bard so they can trade it for the treasures

they were promised and prevent a battle. When Bard's and Thranduil's armies gather at the gates of Erebor, offering to trade the Arkenstone for the promised treasures, Thorin angrily refuses to believe that they have the Arkenstone until Bilbo admits giving it away

and chides Thorin for letting greed cloud his judgment. Outraged, Thorin nearly kills Bilbo, but Gandalf appears and shames Thorin into releasing Bilbo. That was pretty far in, I feel. Like... Yes, this is so far in.

I feel like we missed so much. We are now an hour into the movie and the remainder of the movie will be the one big fight. That is what we've got so far. And by the way, that is like, they spend 15 seconds on telling you why the elves are here.

And it's like, there are gems of pure starlight or something. And they're very bright. And we, the elves, they're ours. And we want them back extremely badly. And we will kill you for them with a whole army for this necklace and a couple others. This summary is missing that man with the nasty teeth who loves gold or whatever. Yeah, the comic book,

uh, pirate to the Caribbean villain that is in this movie. He was so out of place. It was so strange. I wanted him dead. Me too. I was like, get the fuck off of my screen.

I know. And they were going to kill him at one point. And they like, they could have killed him like a hundred times. He was just disgusting. His name is Alfred Lickspittle. Alfred Lickspittle. Lickspittle, by the way, is a classic villain underling name.

Really? No, but like Lickspittle, like they're literally saying like, this is a bad dude. Now I get it. And they should have, like every non-rated PG-13 movie kills this character off like quickly and brutally right um and bad orlando bloom is constantly like i know you're the worst yeah go take care of my kids yes it's so wild i didn't understand that i thought it was gonna kill them same um also when thorin is like gonna like throw biblo off the ledge and then Gandhi appears and is just

like release him to what did he say he was like don't damage him and I was like damage he's a what what damage he's gonna die yeah he's gonna kill him and then I was like how did Gandhi just like appearing make him just go oh okay I'm not gonna do that anymore

I think he still wants to right but the other dwarves like pull him away and give him a rope and say go down this rope before thorin notices that we've given you a rope but so like they all know he's crazy but apparently not enough to like be like hey dude this arkenstone which i don't remember from the book the hobbit at all i don't know if it's in there i have to go check i think it might be a thing they made up for these movies. Oh, I'm going to Google that. So while you Google that, I will continue.

So Thorin's cousin, Dane, arrives with his dwarf army and the battle of dwarves against elves and men ensues until wereworms emerge from the ground, releasing Azog's army from their tunnels. Oh, I hated those. Yes, I did not like them.

They were very upsetting. I have a movie that's coming out that neither of you will want to see, and that movie is called Dune. Oh, yeah. People have mentioned Dune to us, and I don't know what it's about. With the orcs outnumbering Dane's army of thuranderdal and bard forces along with gandy and biblo uh they join the battle fighting the orcs however a second front is open when many are orcs ogres and trolls attack dale so i guess the orcs ogres and trolls are one

army forcing bard to withdraw his forces and uh to the city while Alfred takes a bunch of gold and flees from Dale to his ultimate fate. Oh yeah, does he die? They don't show us in this movie. He just takes a bunch of gold and runs away. By the way, forces of darkness showing much more unity in this war than the forces of light.

So are ogres the gigantic things that we're discussing kind of climbing around? Yeah, probably. Those are making me sick. I like the one that put the brick on his head and ran real fast and broke down the wall and then passed out immediately. I did like that one.

That one was very funny. It does appear that the Arkenstone was in the books. All right. Well, I need to read them again. I won't. Mike is nodding yes to affirm that that is true. So inside Erebor, Thorin suffers hallucinations before regaining his sanity and leading his company to join the battle. He rides towards Ravenhill with Dwalin, Fili, and Kili to kill Azog.

Bilbo follows them, using his magic ring to move through the combat unseen. Meanwhile, Toriel and Legolas arrive to warn the dwarves of Bolg's approaching army. Fili is captured, and Azog kills him as Bilbo and the other dwarves are forced to watch. As Thorin engages Azog in a fight to the death, Bolg knocks Bilbo unconscious, overpowers Toriel, and then kills Kili, who had come to her aid.

Legolas battles Bolg and eventually kills him. Thorin kills Azog, but is fatally wounded in the process. It does seem like this is the part of the movie where they'll be like, does anyone like these guys as much as they like Legolas? And if if not should we make sure that legolas is a pretty big part of this fight bilbo woke up and i was like oh right you're in this movie you've been gone from it for so long i know and he's like my favorite i think he's so charming martin freeman and like great yeah he's he's just a really likable character and even when he's lying

I sort of like him and I don't know like I feel like I could use he brings a lot of heart because he acts like the actor brings like such a real

sort of compassionate feeling to the character that makes it not even feel fantasy it feels like just a guy and I like that.

I've never seen him in something where I didn't like him. Even like I don't really remember him in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy but he's like great in Sherlock. I've never seen him in something where I didn't like him. Even like, I don't really remember him in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but he's like great in Sherlock. I think he's very, very good.

He is incredible. Like it is incredibly easy. These orcs heads come off real easy. Yeah, everyone dies so easily. I think maybe the problem with the movies is you don't get enough Biblo. Yeah. Would love more Biblo. Right? maybe the problem with the movies is you don't get enough biblo yeah um would love would love

more biblo right i think it's kind of like how frotto he's like very much the center of lord of the rings i feel like biblo should have been the center of this frotto is like i mean frotto is a more fleshed out character by virtue of the fact that there are three books about frotto and only one very short book about bilbo um i guess bilbo is in the Lord of the Rings, but it doesn't matter. They did seem to also make the decision in this one that Frodo, that Bilbo can throw rocks so good. He's just like throwing rocks at orcs heads and they're just like going down one after the other. It's like, this is incredible rock throwing power from this tiny hobbit.

It's true. Also when Legoland was like fighting and then like the bridge was crumbling, I did think that was pretty cool. It's kind of like Tetris-y. I like that. Right, that was fun. But when Thorin kills Azog,

I was like, how anticlimactic that you just step back on some ice and he like falls under. And then I was like why are you so chill you know he's still alive and then he was still alive and then he like stabs him and then he stabs him and I was like this fight

is wild like somebody thought he was just gonna die because he went into the water like yeah no it was like cut his head off or something not the wicked witch no but I thought that part where he like showed up under the ice and he was like, and then like stabbed him in his foot was kind of fucked up. I like a lot of the I mean, like I've been dunking on it. I like a lot of the fighting in this movie, which I mean, I better.

There's a lot of it. So there's got to be at least a couple moments of it that are fun. And they are good at it. It just, I like the overly cartoony stuff. Like when we're jumping on rocks to get instead of that are midair to get back onto a thing. Or when Legolas like throws a sword into someone from way far away. Like that's all good and fun. It's just. Yeah. I feel like this one was less cartoony than the other two like the other two

you've got like the white water rafting scene and then a full musical in the first one and then this one like there was parts that were like like when biblo's like is this a good place to stand in the middle of the war i was like t but like yeah what i was like this is but what about like the first one when like that big thing got killed and he was like, that's gotta hurt. And then he was like, hi? Yeah, it was weird that it didn't have any of that in this. So the Great Eagles arrive with Eredagast and Beorn to fight the newly arrived orc army and the orcs are finally defeated. Biblo regains consciousness

and makes peace with the dying Thorin. And then Tyrell mourns Keeley. My God, I was like, what the, you guys didn't even kiss? And she's like, if this is what love is, take it away. And I was like, nobody can scoop love out of you, bitch. Like, how are you so attached to this dead dwarf?

We had to write like a lot of the story. Like, okay, so I guess she's been pining after him. Like she thinks about him a lot. Yeah. I can't really, I don't know. How much time did they spend on that relationship in the previous movies? Nothing.

So they're like at the jail and he's like, ooh, and she's like, tee hee hee. And then Legoland is like, get the fuck away from that dwarf. You don't like dwarves. And she was like, I guess I don't. And now she's in love with him in this one that was really it they got three movies deep and someone was like oh shit are there no relationship arcs in this movie yeah do we actually make two movies with oh crap we better fix that these two yeah okay this this um

summary also doesn't mention that very gay villainous elf walking in or rolling in on a moose. That made me laugh so hard. Oh, Lee Pace? Yes. I love that his ride of choice was a moose. I love that big reindeer. I know, I love that. I love the reindeer.

Oh, it was a reindeer. I thought it was a moose, too. It probably was a moose. No, it was a reindeer. No, no, no. I'm just saying that because to me it looked like a reindeer. I I thought it was a moose, too. It probably was a moose. No, maybe it was a reindeer. No, no, no. I'm just saying that because to me it looked like a reindeer. I'm sure it's a moose. But I liked that character was doing a lot.

I loved him. That's like his dad, right? Yes, Thranduil. I like him. I wanted to see more of him. I liked him. I liked his reindeer moose. I liked the big war pig.

And I didn't like that both of those animals died. That's one way to make me get off board of a movie very quickly is to give me fun big animals and then kill them for no reason. Yeah. I also was like with Thranduil I was like I need to see Brian Jordan Alvarez do an impression

of Thranduil now. I felt that would be very very effective. Lauren that that would be very, very effective. Lauren, that is like perfect. Yeah. That's really funny. You don't know Brian Jordan Alvarez. He's very, very funny.

Oh my God, look him up on YouTube. Yes. So Fandrethal acknowledges their love. Legoland tells Fandrethal that he must leave and then Fandrethal advises him to seek out

a Dundane ranger in the north who goes by the name Strider who turns out to be Aragorn. Sure does. When asked what his real name is, Thandrathrol says he will have to discover it himself. Meanwhile, Thorin is buried with the Arkenstone along with Kili and Fili

leading to Dain to be crowned king. But like why bury the Arkenstone if that's what you're fucking looking for? I did not see that they buried him with the Arkenstone. I missed that part. But I guess bury it because it's a horrible gem of corrupting evil.

Yeah, I was glad some of the dwarves died, even though they're my favorite, because I felt like we had to kind of shave off a few. And we wanted that to happen earlier, Nicole. Remember, remember like we were like why don't some of them pass yes there was too many characters but we shaved off the we shaved off the wrong ones yeah I don't know I mean I think some of I don't like have um necessarily a huge affection for any particular dwarf character but I I like that we got rid of the ones with the most boring hair.

Like, the ones that had more interesting hair are still around. Good. We have to pick some way to choose which ones to lose. And that's the only way I'm able to even keep track of what's going on, honestly. But, okay, so as Thorin's company begins settling back into Erebor,

and Dale begins to recover with Bard as the leader, Bilbo bids farewell to the company's remaining members and journeys home to the Shire with Gandalf. As the two part ways on the outskirts of the Shire, Gandalf admits his knowledge of Bilbo's ring and warns him that magic rings are not to be used lightly, although Bilbo assures him he lost the ring. But if he knows you have it, how could you even tell him you lost it? Although Bilbo assures him he lost the ring. But if he knows you have it, how could you even tell him you lost it? Bilbo returns to Bag End to find his belongings being auctioned off because he was presumed dead. He cancels the sale but finds his home pillaged. He starts to tidy up and settle back in and it's revealed he still possesses the ring. Sixty years later, Bilbo receives a visit from Gandalf on his 111th birthday. The end.

Or the beginning. The beginning of Lord of the Rings. And you just have to keep watching them in a circle over and over again. But I thoroughly enjoyed everyone at the Shire being like, who are you? How do we know it's you? I was like, how long was he gone? And one of them is his cousin,

which he calls out immediately, like everyone is trying to grift him. How long is he gone? It can't be that long. Oh, they said it was like two years or something. Oh, wow. Or a year. A year or something.

Because they said, oh, no, it was 13 months. That's what they said. You'd been gone 13 months. So we assumed you were dead. Yeah. Well, no one's ever come back after being away for that long. Does that make sense? I mean mean i thought that was very cold how they just sold everything off um and his place was so sad to me then coming home to the sad i wanted him to have the toasty

home that he was like longing for the entire time and nuzzle back in bed and just get to but instead he had to like stand in a desolate sort of room that was going to be empty for a while considering how much time he was gonna have to spend getting everything back that's so i'm i'm with you lauren i wonder if that's on purpose if that's if that's supposed to be meaningful and i don't really want to give credit to this movie for thinking hard about anything because i'm not sure that they did like you said it does seem like they sort of made it up but it does seem like that's the thing that he says initially that he is going to like give up. Like those are the things he's giving up to go off on this adventure.

And he's always wanting to come back to them and he comes back to them and they're gone because he now knows like, and doesn't need them, I guess, because he now has adventure or whatever. But it made me sad too to, to see his home, like, wrecked. And for some reason, his, like, asshole neighbors took the pictures of his parents off the wall and threw them on the ground. That was so rude.

I thought it was very funny. I was like, these people are savages. They really are. No, I mean, we would like to see a whole film of that. This movie grossed over $956 million worldwide, making it the second highest grossing film of 2014 behind Transformers Age of Extinction and the lowest grossing film in the Hobbit series.

Interesting. The film holds a 59% critic rating on Rotten Tomato and 74% for the audience score. That feels right. It's like fun, whatever whatever it's not good yeah but i like but it's like okay yeah fight on the big ice thing throw the sword ride ride the eagle that one scene when they're like fighting where they pretend it's like lord of the rings light they're doing like remember these people from lord of the Rings? These villains were around where you see Sauron for like two seconds.

Yeah. I just, it made me so angry. And then what's her name? Glada, Glada Blow? Gladriel. Get out of here. And I was just like, you don't say. Go.

Can you edit her voice and not make her do that? That was a fun fight though. The ghost fight with the ghosts that blink around. See, I'm not here for those weird Pirates of the Caribbean ghosts, but I will say they look better than they looked in Lord of the Rings. Yes, and this feels like what they're trying to do here, right? They're trying to be like, the Nazgul before they were Nazgul were just blinky little ghosts.

And you had to throw them off the clip and then scream at them in your elf voice sorry lauren what were you saying no i was gonna say that scott found us a variety said the result is that once the trilogy's most engrossing episode it's most expeditious at a comparatively lean 144 minutes and also its darkest both visually and in terms of the forces that stir in the hearts of men dwar dwarves, and orcs alike. Tim O'Robbie of the Daily Telegraph described the film as a paragraph on steroids. Well, truly.

That was neither very terrible nor remotely unexpected. It's a series of stomping footnotes in search of a climax. Tim is sassy. Savage. But it is like truly, I can say everything that happened in this movie in like three sentences, right? It's like, I do think a paragraph on steroids is amazing.

Yeah. Yeah. In Ku Kung of the Rap says, the 144 minute running time showcases Jackson's worst tendencies, eons long battle scenes, sloppy and abrupt resolutions, portentous romances,

off rhythm comic timing, and newly in this case, patience testing fan service. Ouch. Oof. Wow. Well, at the 87th Academy Awards, the film received a nomination

for best sound editing. Aw. Nice. And they won the Heartland Film Festival's Truly Moving Picture Award. that seems condescending i mean it moved it moved a lot there was a lot of movement very condescending we were truly moved by this we were at the saturn awards the film won best fantasy film and richard armitage won best supporting actor yeah okay we have a little trivia here,

which is always my favorite part. Shortly after the battle begins, Bard rides to Dale to look for his children. A woman tells him she saw them in the old marketplace. When he starts to go there, a man comes running in and shouts, the orcs have taken Stone Street. That's an inside joke.

Stone Street is the name of Peter Jackson's film studio. Wow. Tee hee hee. He's the only one in the theater of Peter Jackson's film studio. Wow. Tee hee hee. He's the only one in the theater laughing. He's like, get it? And he's like, of course, nobody does.

Billy Boyd, who played Pippin in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, co-wrote and performed the song The Last Goodbye for the end credits of this movie.

Oh. Oh, were we supposed to watch the credits to get the song? Lee Pace's parents visited him on set and subsequently Peter Jackson offered them to be extras in the movie. That's really fun. They were given roles as Lake Town villagers and filmed a scene with Ian McKellen. However, according to Pace, they were cut out of the movie because his father kept hamming it up during his scene.

That's hilarious. I love that. That's very good. But also, should I just start showing up to film sets to get roles yeah you're one of the

few people on the planet that I think that might actually work like people like I think that they would do it

I think they would put you in movies if you just showed up I think so too you're like what's going on over here hi hello can I have elf ears despite playing his father would put you in movies if you just showed up. I think so too. You're like, what's going on over here? Hi, hello! Can I have elf ears?

Despite playing his father in the trilogy, Lee Pace, Than the Doll, is two years younger than Orlando Bloom, Legoland. I see that. Orlando Bloom looks so old in these movies. Yeah. I had a moment where I was like, is that Orlando Bloom? Yeah. It is

Orlando Bloom. Do they make him look younger with like CGI or something? I couldn't tell. I thought they were trying to. Something felt weird about it for sure. I feel like he had an Instagram filter on because he had like the icy blue eyes, but then his like skin was kind of like smoothie,

but like not. It was very strange. Yeah. I'll buy all that because all elves are like immortal. So like who cares how old any of them are? They all sort of look however old they're going to look. But Legolas' dad was like maybe my favorite part of this movie. Yes.

I wanted to see more of him. He was so like sinister-y sassy, which I love. Kind of like, what's her name? Ursula. Like Ursula's got a lot of personality but she's very evil and i love a villain like that this is the only movie in the hobbit trilogy as well as lord of the rings trilogy where legolas blinks normally in all the other movies he only blinks when he is surprised or injured which it's so crazy is that in the book do they say that i

can't remember because that was like such a weird specific like never blink yeah is that in the book zach uh not that i recall but i also don't remember the arkenstone so maybe i'm not well smough the dragon made a guest appearance it was interviewed by stephen colbert on the colbert report on uh december 11th 2014 to promote this movie benedict cumberbatch who voiced the dragon in the trilogy also provided the voice of Smaug for the interview. Oh yeah Mike had me watch a little behind the scenes of the motion cap thing

and I was kind of like I mean it's cool but I also was like why did he have to do this because he's playing a dragon that I think is mostly a dragon. He did motion capture for this? He's like crawling on the floor. They didn't use any of it. He sure did.

You need to watch it because it is some like capital A acting class. It is fully like you are a dragon. Get on the floor and growl at me. He's like slithering on the floor. I actually like it really is a moment where i'm like oh benedict cumberbatch will go 100 on whatever you tell him to do um i bet you they didn't use any of it i bet it was just like yeah this is what you want to do sure because smog is so much bigger than a person and he jumps in the air and becomes like a dolphin at one point. Like he literally flies

in a circle. Like it's not possible. But I'm intrigued. It's amazing to watch Benedict Cumberbatch do that. You do have to look it up because it is funny. Peter Jackson met

Evangeline Lilly after he finished filming Lord of the Rings trilogy and he liked her so much that he promised to include her in J.R.R. Tolkien's other stories should they be made into film.

And when they started filming The Hobbit, Lily received a phone call from Jackson that he created the character of Toriel for her. That's nice. So that character is a made up one. That's a new one? Okay. Because we need Kate from Lost in this movie.

She was fine. I thought she was good. She doesn't have a whole lot to do. No. I thought she was good. Yeah. She doesn't have a whole lot to do. No, I wish she had more. I would have really rather seen her and Nick Jonas the dwarf be in their love story. Is she? Me too. How many women are in this movie?

And is it just her? No, there's like three. In this movie, it's the humans. The humans have some women. Yeah, they have like random towns, people that scream about stuff occasionally.

Yeah, there's Cate Blanchett. Oh, right. Yes, yes, yes. Galadriel is in this one.

And then beyond that, I think that's literally, I think there's like, in terms of speaking. Yeah, it's like they scream and also probably doesn't pass the Bechdel test because there's never two

women talking to each other no no absolutely not Lord of the Rings at no point oh Lauren at no point passes the Bechdel test and also I think some of the I mean you guys have talked about this before some of the orcs I think maybe were done by people

of color but apart from that there are zero black people in this movie. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we talked about this at length. Zero, zero, zero. This is a huge issue. But I froze it on Amazon. And you know how Amazon will do that thing where it will like x-ray tell you exactly who is in the scene you're looking at?

Which is very cool, by the way, Amazon Prime. Oh, I don't know about that. I don't think I've ever done that. If you pause a movie on Amazon Prime, it will show you like pictures and names of all of the people that have been like encoded to be in that scene. Oh, I don't know about that. I don't think I've ever done that. If you pause a movie on Amazon Prime, it will show you like pictures and names of all of the people that have been like encoded to be in that scene. Oh, interesting. And some of them I thought were people of color,

but I couldn't see them. So I was like, I guess these are orcs. I'm not sure. Oh, interesting. This is the only Middle Earth movie to have any profanity at all. Unsurprisingly, it's spoken by Billy Conley's character, Dane Ironfoot.

Dane yells for all the non-dwarf soldiers outside the gate of Earbor to SO, sod off. Oh, sod off. I was like, SOD? Suck on dick? But it's sod off, a common British insult. All these elves can suck on dick! My brain went to

SMD and I was like oh SMD then I was like oh no that's definitely sod I was like what does sod stand for then I was like oh it's British it's a British SMDH suck my dick head suck my dick off oh my god yeah so that's

that's that that is that that's that. That is that. Honestly, we, we crushed that. You did it. We did. Now you get to watch the Hobbit cartoon, which is much shorter.

And I think you'll have a lot of fun. Okay. People have been telling us we will like this. Cause y'all like return of the Jedi, right? Like we're here for Ewoks. Yeah. We did like Ewoks.

We do like the sillier things. Me too. I'm right there with you. That's also very much how my brain works. I think you'll like, I haven't seen it in a very long time, but I think you will like it. Well, I do look forward to that because it's a reasonable amount of time.

Yes. Yeah, I'm excited to watch something that's not a hundred thousand hours long. You did all the long ones. None of you watched the extended version of this, right? Absolutely not. I have the exact same thought. I was like, dear God, what else could they possibly have put into this movie?

No, I think it's not nice to have it be a longer version. It's already so long. It's very long. That's nine hours to tell that story. It's not nice and I also don't know who it's for. A lot of people, apparently, people love the extended versions of this shit. Okay.

Which, you know, if that's your thing, that's your thing. Yeah, go for it. Because I watch every iteration of 90 Day Fiancé. Same. I can put the hours in. All of the spinoffs. Yeah. Have you been watching Darcy and Stacey?

I drew the line there for myself, but everyone's telling me I need to watch it. So I think I'll probably have to start. I will send you a clip that will change your mind. It is Darcy and Stacey getting spray tanned in bikinis on a tarp, just in their front lawn. Please send me that. I need that. Yeah, that show is just the best thing

on TV right now, I think. I agree. It's a great study of the human mind. Well, we've come to the end of this episode. Oh, no. Zach, do you have anything that you want to plug? Hey, listen to Off Book, the improvised musical podcast

that I do with Jessica McKenna that we talked about earlier. It's another podcast, which I know you listen to because you're doing one right now. That's it. Great. Nicole, what about you?

I want to promote, make sure you're registered to vote. And this election is important, but also all elections are important. Like we have to start voting at a state level and whatnot because trickle down economics doesn't work and neither does trickle down politics. So we got to hold people accountable at like a local and state level to have change happen up top. So that's yeah, that. That's such a good point. I feel like my whole life that has not been hammered home enough that like it really matters who you vote for in your local elections and all that stuff, too.

So that's a great point and i'm gonna just piggyback on that because i feel like if i said my patreon after that it just doesn't sound that great so um but this brings us to the battle of the five stars segment and this one comes from baracki 11 on apple podcasts and the subject is so great i'm a huge nerd and love both Star Wars and the Lord of the Rings, including The Hobbit. Listening to these two ladies go through and tear it apart is so hilarious. I really hope

that they do Marvel movies next. Them watching all the Avengers movies and trying to make sense of them would be gold. Keep up the good work, ladies. Well, thanks, Brock11. Actually, I got that suggestion recently from someone as well that that would be a good world for us. I don't know anything about that. That would be an extremely long road that you would be staring down.

I think I've only seen, I've only seen like Ant-Man and Guardians of the Galaxy the first. I think that's all I've seen. You'd be staring down the barrel of like a good two dozen movies. Oh my God. Maybe not that many, but a lot. The only thing that I like about doing this is that I now just know everything. I'm like, I know. Yeah.

I know. Yeah. I know all the Star Wars references and it does come up a lot. Like they're referenced in subtle ways all the time or like, you know, someone trying to explain how like a plot device works and they're like, it's like Star Wars. I'm like, okay,

I now know what you're talking about. So I guess this has been really helpful in many ways. I think it's been helpful for our journey as just actors and mediums. Well, we're going to be back next week with Paul Scheer. And we'll be getting into something

a little sillier to decompress from these two intense trilogies that we just made it through. So, see you next week. Toodle-oo. Bye-bye. That was a Hidgum Original.