NO FOMO - 40. Goblin Mode w/ Melissa Ong

Episode Date: December 14, 2022

🔔 Subscribe: https://linktr.ee/nofomopod  🎽 Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/no-fomo/   Welcome Back Fomosapiens. This week we sit down with Melissa Ong and discuss Goblin Mode, the Masturbate - a - thon and countless other very important topics.   Let's Evolve Together, NO FOMO.   Support the Podcast: Get 20% OFF @manscaped + Free Shipping with promo code NOFOMO at MANSCAPED.com!

Ladies and gents, what the fuck is poppin'? We're back on episode 40 with a very special guest today. The fabulous Melissa Ong, 69-420. Hell yeah. 69-420, is that part of it? Internet celebrity, musician, rapper, lyricist, lyrical genius. More of a poet, I'd say, honestly. Wow, thank you definitely

would you say visionary maybe oh that that was you didn't let me finish my intro we had more i was gonna say a lot more adjectives like a whole paragraph for you literally well i literally feed off your validation so i'm right here yeah you feel special yeah i was trying to think of the best way to introduce you but there's just so many things. She's a man of. Exactly. No, she's a man. That's it. She's a man. She was telling us she aspires to be a white male. So we're kind of just.

My entire life. We're letting her be her. Let him be himself. Yeah. Thank you so much. You are welcome. Yeah, I'm coming out as a white man. You're coming out on record as a white male today.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, you're in good company. Welcome to the club. Welcome. I've been longer now. We're happy to have you as an honorary white male. Hell yeah. The good company. Welcome to the club. I've never been longer now. We're happy to have you as an honorary white male.

Hell yeah. The world needs more of them, really. Yeah. Right? There aren't enough. There aren't enough of us. Yeah, my entire life has just been me being like,

how can I become as powerful as a white man? And then it's like this thing where I literally kind of forget that I'm not sometimes and so I'll walk around with just my imaginary dick sloshing through my legs and I'm just like, yeah, thank you, baby. that I'm not sometimes. And so I'll walk around with just my imaginary dick sloshing through my legs and I'm just like,

yeah, thank you, baby. And I'm just like, I'm not going to get arrested, yeah. And then you do and you're just like, oh, fuck, I forgot I'm in this avatar. But not mentally. Not in the metaverse quite yet. Sorry to interrupt you, Morgan. No, I was just going to say that to build on what Garrett said,

we've got creator of the cum towel, the cum sock, and coined the term big clit energy. Big clit energy. That's a vibe. Yeah. No, like I just thought the cum towel was going to be great because I was like, okay, what is the one merch that everybody needs but that nobody has?

And what content creator person hasn't done this yet? Because you see these content creators they're like oh i made like a hoodie or some like shitty napkin or whatever but no one had made a cum towel yet and i was just like this is that this is like a specific thing that needs to be made because like it because when it happens in real life you just end up using like a regular towel like it's like oh i just you know i i just showered with that one and i have to wash it anyway okay we'll use that one or like a shirt that's on the ground and now has cum on it or even worse yeah um and you just end up using something that you don't really want to use for the cum and then so i was like well why don't you just have like a cum specific towel a designated cum towel yeah and i was just like genius and then um and then when i first launched the cum towel people

were like well by that logic then you also need to get like, you know, the come t-shirt and the come like, it's a whole line and the come socks for people who are a little lonelier. The come line. Do you want to tell people where they can cop the come towel? Yeah. You can get it at Melissa dash on.com slash on gang. You can find all of my really necessary and work-appropriate merch there.

She's an innovator. I have a question about the towel. Oh, I also have another question. When you were making the towel, was it, like, are we going nice thread count, or is it, like, absorb? Like, better absorb? Because the problem with a shitty gum towel is, like, you'll wipe.

Yeah, it's like a sham wow for gum. No, because sometimes you'll wipe and it just kind of smears. It doesn't really absorb anything. Yeah, no, it doesn't absorb. That's a t-shirt. So actually, I learned a lot about merch making because like, so the first cum towel we produced was not good because I was just, I was just more doing it for the gag. I was like, and because I also couldn't figure out the name.

I was like, do I want to call it cum towel, cum rag, or rag or jizz towel i do all good those are all great yeah so i made all four of them and i was like whatever i'll just make all four all i have to do is like edit the text on fucking printful and post it online it's not very difficult but um when we were like looking at the towels like the did you imagine product testing the product testing was rough so uh so like the first like so the first batch of them there was testing was rough so uh so like the first like so the first batch of them there was like a miscommunication on like the product end so they ended up sending us these like tea towels like those like placemat napkins and we were like oh no so they were like it was like flag material so then we had like all of this inventory of just

like these like placemats that said come towel on them and i was like ah fuck well i guess it's okay for like the gag and the content but we can't like this isn't actually you know you know i was like presenting it to people um actually it's funny i was at the like meta times rolling stone party like a couple i couldn't even tell you if it was like yesterday or last year but um the editor in chief of rolling stone was there um whose name escapes me because i have a terrible memory because i'm always fucked up. But I gave him a cum towel and I filmed his reaction and posted it online and his first reaction was like, this is great, but I feel like it's not that absorbent.

This is like tea towel material. And I was like, fuck dude, the editor-in-chief of Rolling Stone just called me out on my cum towel. Well, you don't want to make it out of ShamWow because then it would be like a brick. It would be a cum absorbent brick that just keeps absorbing until it becomes like huge because preferably it's a single use and then wash well that was my other question how many how often do you think people wash those um hopefully after each use if you're not fucking disgusting i mean if you use like a

if you use like a shower towel you get at least 10 uses you just kind of segment a little course you're kind of parsing it off yeah yeah for sure but then like but when you're like drying yourself from the shower after you don't want to get like the dried cum on your or maybe you do i was gonna say i've never accidentally used the shower towel like after it had a little something on it that's no fun anyway that's the day that i bought my second towel is after that you're like i needed some sort of shower after that. You're like, I need some sort of red towel here. You get out of the shower, you're sucking wet, and you're like, I just used that for a minute.

And then you just kind of flip it on the backside. And you're just like, oh, well. But, yeah, but anyway, so the tea towel, bad. We discontinued that, but it was still funny because it's still, it's just like a prop, like a flag. Then we just. Cum flag. Yeah, a cum flag.

And a semen demon. And then, you know, just like the and um a semen demon and then you know just like the pride of my semen demonism um that would be the name of my frat that's my business should be the name of your fucking religion that's the name of the episode right that's the name of your religion i'm actually thinking of starting a new religion because i i started one on tiktok like two years ago um but i'm thinking of calling it like the big clit energy religion where like I'm a God by the name of the clitoris. Yeah. Oh,

the clitoris. That's good. I was thinking clitorati, but clitoris is also very good. Yeah. The clitorati. Yeah. It's like my following and like,

that would be the people who don't believe in you would be the clitori. I fucking, those would be the most devout followers of all. I'm full. I'll put my blood down on the table right now for that shit. Let's do it. Yeah, okay, let's do it. Let's do a little blood ritual.

Get the knife. Who's got the knife? Yeah, I just don't really believe anything men say unless they cut themselves in front of me. Yeah, blood oath. Strictly blood oath. But yeah, anyway, just continue to the tea towel, but now we just have regular cum towels. So there are a bunch of different ones. So there's a cum beach towel that's like really big and that i bring to the beach and um that's for when you need to come

on the beach i'm looking at everything right here and it is incredible we had like a pro but now but but now they're like actually like very nice they're they're like the nice like soft like you know bougie like like it's like nice you know afterwards you're like oh i'm seeing here it's made out of turkish cotton so you really did put some groundwork into the logistics it's an all saints it's made in the same factory as all saints t-shirts yeah let's so you spared no expense with these towels so for 35 i can get a turkish cotton jizz rag hell yeah oh the pro nut nove Pro Nut November Turkish cotton towel. Speaking of No Nut November,

I just discovered something this morning. I'm so ready for this. I knew there was some sort of follow-up for the December portion. You know, you got to get rid of all that. Dump Dick December. Exactly. We were kind of just browsing around Urban Dictionary

this morning, and I found Destroy Dick December. Okay. Sounds close. Yeah. I didn't even know that. But the premise is way better than you can even expect. So on the first, you have to nut once.

On the second, you nut twice. Oh. So on and so forth. So on New Year's Eve, potentially 31 nuts. And the total amount of nuts is 496 nuts in December. So you're making up hefty for November. Is this the first year for it? I've never seen this before.

What were you about to ask? It was on the recently added on Urban Dictionary. This reminds me of the Master Betathon. Have you heard of that? The Master Betathon? What is that? Every night in my bedroom? No, just Wikipedia it really quick.

It's like a masturbation competition. And so I remember like Googling it a while ago. Um, as in yesterday's and every night I Google it and read this article. But, um, basically it's like, from what I remember, it's literally like the Olympics of masturbation. So then they have these competitions where it's just like, how far can you jizz? And then like the winner is like, that guy jizzed. Like 15 feet, that way. Oh, it's distance?

Okay, yeah, distance. No, there's a lot of different ones. Yeah, there's a lot of events. It's the Olympics. It's not just one thing. Yeah, it's the Masturbation Olympics, okay? Don't undersell it. Is there a special Masturbate-a-thon?

I think it might just be that one. Do you see the Wikipedia? I am looking at it. It started in 1995 in san francisco going on there's a long come a broad come and a triple come yes there's a high come yeah i want to see the i definitely have different names for like coming on different drugs so like i feel like when i'm like really high on like weed i feel like my cum it just feels like a laser beam like shooting straight out i actually have an image um actually yeah is that happening actually um yeah jamie go ahead and pull this up

i actually have a video of a laser cum so there's this artist and she oh so it's like it feels like this basically i don't know how to show this oh oh wow but it's great i love that yeah that's the camera yep go ahead um it's basically like a turkey with beams coming out of it. Oh, yeah. You can see it there. I could edit it. Okay. Anyway.

But, yeah. And so this artist, like, I have four of these paintings above my bedroom, I think. Of that exact one? Yeah. That one just over and over again. No, just like a bunch of them. I have this one as a painting as well. Like, I'm just, I'm into this.

I'm into this aesthetic of, like. Is that pink floyd um i would say this is this is definitely like more of like a like a weed orgasm but i feel like ketamine orgasms it's like more galactical it feels more like it's more interstellar well yeah no so i feel like the weed orgasm is like linear it's like a laser beam shooting out straight it's like pew like fucking cyclops right but then when i have a ketamine orgasm it's more of like a galactical explosion like cloud stardust like kind of like a big bang like it kind of just shot out into the universe it's like the big bang but like like ah with a little more flair to it yeah just like a little it's like angelic and and like jesus-y you know yeah oh we love a jesus come yeah wait was the big bang silent technically um it had to if the big bang is around and no one's around i think yeah that's a treatment Jesus-y, you know? Yeah. We love a Jesus come. Yeah. Wait, was the Big Bang silent, technically?

It had to have been. If the Big Bang's around and no one's around to hear it. I think, yeah, that's a tree in the forest, right? No, but literally, there's no sound in space, right? At all. So I think it would be silent. There's sound. The Big Bang.

No, I don't think there is. It has a vacuum. I would not know. I do not know the answer to this question. Why do we always get into the science stuff, dude? It's too early. There's sound in space? Really?

All right. There goes my bit. There's sound in space really all right there goes my bit there's something that actually travels far too yeah i'm not all right well technically we're in space so i hear sound my goal is to come into a black hole just to see what it would look like a white a white hole yeah turn that bitch into a white imagine if you like came into a black hole and then it just like came out on the other side of the universe and then like that just into a new galaxy or something. Yeah. Yeah. And it just sort of like, my cum did that. That's impressive.

Is that how this started? Wait, did God just come? And that's how the big bang was just a big. They don't want you to know that. They don't want you to know. But that is, that is a part of the, I think that's Old Testament stuff. I'm pretty sure if God was in one galaxy, he nutted through a black hole that just turned into all of us eventually.

And now we're here. I think that's the way we're going to. There is no sense. There isnted through a black hole. That just turned into all of us eventually, and now we're here. I think that's the way we're going to go. There is no sound. There isn't, right? I told you, because there's nothing for it to reflect on. It has to reflect off of something. And it's too cold. It'll just freeze. The noise would freeze. But more importantly, no one in space has clout.

So that's why we can't hear it. There's no clout in space, therefore I don't care about it. Yeah, so true. We can never have a pot in space no you can never have a podcast in space but i want to go back to the masturbation space okay yeah okay garrett what garrett wants to get back into master because i think this is this would be fun because we've talked about a fair amount of what like what other events could there be for this master so we got a distance challenge we We have perhaps a stamina challenge.

Yeah, I think there's stamina. I think there's a how many times. How many times in a specific set period. Yeah, so I think there could be like... Oh, a size-a-thon. Like long distance and short distance, right? A load-a-mile-a-thon. So it's like how much can you come in one hour versus how much can you come in a day? So there's like sprinting versus long distance. Oh, it's like the 100 meter dash

versus the 400 meter relay. Exactly, but with coming. And also, don't forget, you also just have the regular 100 meter dash where you're trying to count. Oh, you's like the 100-meter dash versus the 400-meter relay. Exactly, but with climbing. And also, don't forget, you also just have the regular 100-meter dash, but you're trying to count. Oh, you have to run around. It's not that hard. Yeah, you don't have to think about it that hard. So you have to run as fast as you can, but you have to have come by the time you finish the 100-meter dash. To start, it's just all the regular Olympic events. Rewind everything.

Shotput would be interesting. What it actually is is the normal Olympics, but you do have to come while you're doing the event. I like if there were a challenge where you have to come under a really stressful and specific circumstance. So for example, hey, we're going to lock you into this room and it's going to be shaking and there's going to be explosions and a lot of yelling and you have to come in five minutes. Yeah, trauma coming. I can do that. I can jerk off in a frat house. That's what it was like for us in college.

I mean, we could just use an actual frat house for that challenge yep they would be with that they'd be with that what would what would be the hardest event to come olympic event to come during running's easy the holocaust running's easy any swim any of the swimming there's like a lot of drownings during i'm trying to think of some fun like team sports like bobsledding the guy in the back. Wrestling is all time. Bobsledding would be the best by far. What about basketball?

Oh, basketball? Every one of the five people at some point has to dump a load during the game? Exactly. Or the point doesn't count. Oh, wait. Actually, no, it doesn't count. So if the basketball,

if you don't come on the basketball before it goes in the hoop, then it doesn't count. So it's got to be splooshed come on the basketball before it goes in the hoop, then it doesn't count. So it's got to be splooshed. You got to make it come basketball now. Yeah, exactly. No, come back. That's going to be my new merch.

Come basketball. And then I can just break into the sports community and we'll get like what? Come hockey pucks. It's just the come soccer balls. Come soccer balls. There's just so many episode titles for this. Yeah.

It's going to be hard. We're going to break into another one because we have some big news. Biggest news of the year. Oxford Dictionary named the word of the year Goblin Mode. Which is two words. You didn't see this?

It's two words, but they literally called it the word of the year. I think I did see this, but I wasn't sure if it was a meme or not. I'll just see things and I'm like, I don't know if this is a meme or actual news. It's hard to know these days. Can we read the actual thing because it kills me hold on just the actual thing that they put oh the definition i have it i have it right here yeah i got it um according to the oxford university prep

uh the word goblin mode refers to a type of behavior which is unapologetically self-indulgent lazy slovenly, or greedy, typically in a way that rejects social norms or expectations, traits that have become familiar to many during lockdown. Was there an official thing? My favorite thing is that it's literally two words in the dictionary. That literally just sounds like having a good time.

That literally just sounds like having a good time. They just put two words in a phrase. The actual dictionary that everyone abides by. The other best part about this is this is the first time that America was allowed to vote for it. Thank God. And if this isn't an exact... Priorities.

If this isn't the quickest way to show that we shouldn't be allowed to vote for anything, I don't know what is. It won 93% of the vote, I'm pretty sure. There was 430,000 votes cast and it was like 395,000 were for Goblin Mode. Are you kidding?

What email do I need to sign up for to get to vote for this? I think anyone could have voted. This isn't news. This isn't like a normal thing that pops up where it's like, hey, it's time to vote for the word of the year. No, he wants to be part of the thread. Garrett, let me get your vape. Yeah.

Okay, dude. Got you, brother. Thanks, dude. Thanks, bro. That's very Goblin Mode of you. Thanks. It's so Goblin Mode. But Garrett, what you were saying about being two words,

like the last ones, like previous years, like hashtag, like the actual thing was one of the words. And then there was like social justice was like a word. They just use it as like a political thing for like whatever the big thing of the year was thing of the year yeah and but i love that gobble mode yeah it was all like very social justice warrior stuff and then it was gobble mode you're reminding me right now of the porn hub analytics you know how like every year they show you like the top search results oh yeah like and so it's like it's whatever i've been porn hub wrapped yeah no no exactly it It literally is Pornhub wrapped.

I mean, I read it every year just for personal reasons. To see if we're on par with everyone. Yeah, and every single year there's always just some weird Asian shit at the top. So I'm like, okay, cool. I'm attractive and popular, secretly, to a lot of people. It'll always just be like, Japanese, da-da-da, or Asian girls, submissive, da-da-da. I love how specific they are with the town searches. Yeah, and then, like, it's interesting to see the trends over time because, like, over time, the whole, like, girls orgasming

has become, like, higher and higher. And I'm like, okay, that gives me a little bit of faith in humanity. Okay. Wait, that's become more popular as a... Yeah, so, like, people searching porn specifically... Hold on, on wait people look at that people watch that part about that part that's all i watched i'm trying to spread awareness here go i mostly watch hentai because like i feel like that's like human porn but i just like really

like hentai because i've been watching hentai since i was in kindergarten hentai porn or hentai just a hentai i think is only porn is only porn. Is only porn, yeah. Oh, it's only porn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're thinking of anime. Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Hentai is anime porn. So anime is like Japanese cartoons, basically. And then hentai is like Japanese anime porn.

So you can read it in a book. Like tentacles and all that. Why do you look so shocked? Like you've never researched that. It's okay to say you've seen it before. He's acting shocked. I've seen you. I literally have a subscription. I pay monthly for this hentai site. Oh, is it a good one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's okay to say you've seen it before he's acting shy i literally have a subscription i pay monthly for this hentai site and then i'm gonna pull up on yeah yeah no it's

a great one go ahead and get it for the users yeah yeah it's called lesnitz i pay for this site i don't know me zooming into the phone yeah i don't know maybe you can just put it up later but like uh yeah yeah this is important this is very important. So this is what I do when I'm alone and also when I'm with people. And with that, we have a new sponsor. We have a new sponsor. Yeah, just. Oh, that's what it's like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it's like that. Never seen it. No, but it's awesome. It's so cool to find out new things. No, but there's this really awesome one right now that I just started reading called Pearl Boy. And it's basically about, so it's like a male on male, like gay hentai. And it's about a guy who, I wish my Wi-Fi would work so I could show you the visuals. No, we're okay.

Okay. We don't need it. I get it. You know what I mean? Okay, okay, okay. I can see it in my mind okay cool perfect so i will just describe it i'm drawing on past uh no but basically it's about um i just know the guy yeah like this guy so it's about uh yeah it's like a it's like a gay porn between two guys and one guy has a special ability to ejaculate pearls and so it's like so the entire hentai is

like their weird dynamic of like no like i promise i don't love you just because i'm getting pearls from you every single time you come and we're like using it to make a lot of money yeah yeah so like so it's like this like sleazy business guy who's like pretending to be in love with this other guy who can ejaculate pearls and he's like no like i totally love you for you and not because you're jizzing out pearls that are extremely lucrative for my business so is this like a full-on like series like yeah it's a full-on series that i pay for so there's a lot of i didn't know they went that deep no they go very deep there's a lot of kinks to unload i've been i've i've been like in this sub community my entire life and finally it's like okay to talk

about it because when i was reading this shit in high school i was just like i was just like no no no i'm reading twilight i'm definitely not reading you know like beast boy times raven like edgy mature like i'm definitely not reading that shit yeah i'm normal i'm normal wait how long are those each long no no they're like um i mean they're it's like a show right there's like oh it's a show so i get some i get some actual you get some plot points some depth no yeah no like it's like a show, right? There's like seasons. Oh, it's a show. So I get some actual plot points. You get some depth. No, yeah, no. Like, it's like, it truly is like the best of both porn and plot. It's like, because it's like, it's a totally different kind of porn because you're like

invested in the characters. And then so you're, and you're like, you know, watching them have sex over time and watching them do new sex over time. And so there's like a whole plot and like a lot of it is like sci-fi and, or like historical or whatever. Um, it's basically, so right now what I'm trying to say is I was ugly in middle school,

which is why I know so much about this. That's what I'm trying to say. So is it like, you'll go into an episode, how long are the episodes? Um, three hours. Well,

no, like it depends, right? Like, so, um, so the one that's on my phone right now, this is like the,

the reading version. So it's like, it's like reading a comic book one that's on my phone right now, this is like the reading version. So it's like reading a comic book, but like pornographic. Oh, okay. But if you go on Crunchyroll or something, you can watch it in video form. So it'll be like, let's say it's 30 minutes, and then how many little sex capades happen within one episode? Oh, I mean. Am I beaten off like three times in half an hour watching this shit? I mean, it might just be.

Has to be. Has to be. I mean, it might just be like the whole time it's happening. Oh, it's. Like, am I beaten off, like, three times in half an hour watching this shit? I mean, it might just be. Has to be. Has to be. I mean, it might just be, like, the whole time it's happening. Oh, it's just the entire episode. Yeah, no, I just watched one where it's, like, this, like, amorphous slime tentacle, and it's just, like, it's a typical tentacle one. Typical. Yeah, it's a typical tentacle one.

Standard. Run-of-the-mill slime tentacle. Yeah, yeah. Run-of-the-mill octopus porn. Every day of the week. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I'm just so used to it at this point. I need something else. Yeah. There's a whole world out there we know nothing about. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I'm just so used to it at this point. I need something else.

Yeah. There's a whole world out there we know nothing about. Like horse legs. That's a new universe that I haven't discovered. And my question to you would be, if you're getting bored of that, I never get bored of it. Where do you go?

You just said you were like, I need something new. Like, what's the, where do we go from there? Oh, I mean, no. From amorphous slime. What can we do to amuse you at this point? Oh, no, no, no. I mean, like, I, like, I've just, I'm just talking about the tentacle genre, but there's like, Oh, okay. Not the wholeuse you at this point? Oh, no, no, no. I mean, like, I'm just talking about the tentacle genre,

but there's like... Oh, okay. Not the whole thing, just tentacles. Yeah, no, no, no. But like, I don't know. And you know what? And I've been saying it for years. It's very creative.

Tentacles are getting stale. It's getting old. Step it up, okay? We can't just... It's like we're just running through the same stuff. We get it, you know? Make them longer, stronger. Like, what are they going to do?

Add more? Yeah, it's like, okay, suction cups. How many tentacles can you really fit in one woman anyway? Yeah, exactly. You know what I mean? To make it really kinky, they should add like, you know, paternal love or something. Yeah. Really spice it up.

Yeah, I don't know anything about that. Add like a father figure or something. I had this series on Twitter where I was just talking about my kinks and they all kept doing well. I was like, my kink is when I like someone and they like me back. It's like, my kink is when they genuinely believe in my dreams it's like the most hard to find yeah standard it's hard to find these days hard to find these days that's why it's so kinky that's why that's why wow you're like i'm just looking for some standard run-of-the-mill vanilla missionary sex porn i've reverted back to ground zero i guess i'm looking for a tentacle therapist so a tentacle monster

that's also like, so how do you feel today, Melissa? And maybe that's my ultimate fantasy. That's a win, yeah. You'll just end up celibate at this point, I feel like. This is more kinky than any sort of... Is celibacy a kink now? I think it might be.

I could guarantee you that is someone's kink. Is it... It's a Mormon kink. Is it more unique to not have sex now i think it is uh sure i mean definitely yeah wait i read this crazy statistic i feel like i should pull it up on my phone but it's like it's something where like um like this new generation of like teens or gen z or whatever are like like 30 more of them compared to our generation are virgins by the age of 30 like this new generation is like not having sex at all.

Well, cause here's what happened. So I read, have you read this? Yeah. I read a whole thing on this. So like, so let the longest virgin explain. I don't know the exact data on it. I'm going to look this up. This is what it was. This is what it was like for them. What'd you Google? What's wrong with them? No, no. Wait, wait, I have the exact fact. Google it. Where am I going to have it?

I have the exact fact. I mean, I wrote an article on this, but whatever. The rate of men, okay, the rate of men 30 plus that are virgins has tripled in the last decade. And then there are stats that Gen Z and millennials are having less sex in general than the generations before us. So that's the...

Well, the stat's correct. 30%. That's one-third of the room. We've got one right here. Ladies and gentlemen, clap it up. Clap it up for statistics. There's four of us. One-third. But so anyways, it talked about how if you went into high school as a freshman and then COVID happened, you might have graduated and never

built all that social experience the entire time. So you were going... As a sophomore, then you would have graduated. It's like two social experience the entire time. So you were going. As a sophomore, then you would have graduated. Yeah, it was like two and a half years. It was, yeah. So like most people lose their virginity like 16, 17. Oh no, he's right. I found an article right here.

It says, this is a 2021 article written by Morgan Bungess. But yeah, imagine going from sophomore year of high school to freshman year of college and just you never talked to girls ever. Not having talked to anyone outside of school. That would fuck your whole shit up. That's crazy. So they just have mad social anxiety. Well, that's why you had to be non-aversion before that.

You fucked up. Yeah, well, not everybody was 13. That's true. Not everybody was five at my local church. What about going into COVID at 25 and still coming out aversion at 27? How do you explain that one, Morgan? They don't listen to this. mean there are definitely times when i walk into a social situation and i'm like i think i

just got my virginity back by just the vibe in here you know sometimes became a virgin when you came out of a sexual setting yeah me with the tentacle porn yeah yeah i feel like a virgin yeah as you should yeah you're really covering up the fact that you watch this really well. Yeah. He's like, yeah, I totally have never heard of it before, and I totally don't know what it is. It's got to be a good time. All right, guys, we're going to take a quick break from the show because fucking Manscaped is lit, dude. Manscaped is lit, dude.

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the show. So I've got a fun question and I'm honestly scared where this will go. So Hunter Biden's laptop's back in the news because of the Twitter files that Elon released to that reporter Matt Taibbi. They're talking about how there was like political suppression of that story during the

election. That actual whole story is nuts. We can dive more into that. Let's do the Hunter Biden first. I just wanted to know if Melissa Ong had a laptop leak akin to Hunter Biden's, what would we find on there? To be honest, a few tentacle sites. Just my diary where I talk about my hopes and dreams. Just my internal vulnerabilities I don about my hopes and dreams. Just, you know, my internal vulnerabilities.

I don't want anyone to see. No, because like, I'm like totally fine talking about the sex that I have and the drugs that I do, but I'm very uncomfortable with intimacy and talking about my genuine, like internal soft feelings. And so it would probably be something along those lines. I mean, I don't know. Cause I kind of post everything. I was going to say, I don't think there's kind of post everything i was gonna say i don't

think there's any skeletons in this it would probably be the more serious side it would be the more it would be the more serious side because when people are like what's underneath and i'm just like um just like my more serious side where i feel emotionally vulnerable and like a real person i don't know like i feel that because nobody really talks about real like what's the right word for it just like real emotion real thing yeah because it's just like kind of well no one definitely no one in the degenerate circle we're in yes but we have to be very drunk to talk about it but we do yeah yeah and then when you do talk about it it's in a joke or in a song or off a line yeah yeah or wouldn't it be lame if you know i like to be

yeah wouldn't it be so weird if i just fucking told you guys how much i'd like genuinely appreciate your presence in my life like that'd be yo yo yo chill wouldn't it be like so fucking i don't i don't though i don't but yeah wouldn't it be so fucking gross if i just like genuinely appreciated you even with that all that stuff coming out about the twitter files can i was thinking like couldn't you like sue like twitter for like secretly blacklisting you? Cause like people have like business through like Twitter. Well, yeah.

Cause he just released the actual like list of blacklist people. So it all matters. What hits the hardest is like what side you're going to be on. Well, I know, but I'm just saying like, say, say like your company like got blacklisted secretly because it was all secret.

They didn't tell you anything that happened. And it was just because you were politically against whatever. And then you're just like, you lost money. That's your presence online. That's your business. I feel like they could get actually sued for this. I feel like they should.

Social media free speech stuff is just fucking crazy. I actually had a question that I forgot to ask back on the merch stuff. What are some of the things that didn't end up coming out, but that you thought of? Oh, what didn't make them? Because I know if the cum towel makes it out, there's got to be some gold in the archives. Oh my gosh, no. Let me get back into my brain.

I don't know. I think everything that I've wanted, I've like... Did you just send it? Oh, you know what? brain i don't know i think everything that i've wanted i just send it oh you know what um i did have an intrusive thought where i was just sort of like i feel like people would buy a fleshlight molded from my actual vagina and i got that idea because i was watching um an anthony jeselnik interview and he was saying like a fan had made some like 3d printed like wax molded dildo based off of his dick or something and i was just like

oh i mean like i'm a feminist i want to also do my part in that and i was thinking like i i was like i could probably like figure out a way to make a fleshlight based on my actual vagina like you just put like some whack i mean it can't be that hard right um they do it for like already yeah it's a good valentine's day like the actual fleshlight has like fucking i'm not gonna name any names but they have like some real porn star like vaginas and buttholes and shit yeah i mean so that's an idea that i've been having i don't know maybe i'll make it one day but then there was a part of me i was like i don't know if i want people to have that but at the same time i was like unless they pay a really high price for it because i mean there's nothing i won't do for the right amount of money yeah yeah i was like well there's nothing i won't do for the right amount of money. Yeah, yeah. I was like, well, there's

nothing I won't do for the right amount of money because I'm a sellout. I would, uh... Never mind. No, it's like funny. When I first started blowing up on TikTok and started selling merch, people were like, you're a sellout. And I was like, yup. And I'm just sort of like, no, I'm not just sitting

here and making butthole jokes for free, okay? I want to make butthole jokes and for you to buy my butthole merch. Yeah, you can't make butthole jokes and then go to a desk job. It's not going to work. No, no, no, no, no. It can. You could. I don't think it would be a desk job.

It's not sustainable. Or a black couch job. Does it just come to you? Come. Does it just come to you? Or where do you go for inspiration? Oh, so I don't go anywhere for inspiration other than the inside of my own head so basically like at any given point in time i always have a bajillion ideas firing like i feel like the

inside of my brain is like a freeway with like a bunch of different thoughts as cars and they're all just like crashing into each other yeah which is why i do downers um so like i don't really do um for the most part i don't really do um for the most part i don't really do uppers because i'm already naturally very up and so my i have like the opposite problem of people where i like have too much energy whereas i feel like a lot of people are like always tired versus i'm like always manic i'm always just like fuck i have so much energy but um so that's why i do like donors um because it actually slows me down to like a normal societal level but um honestly

ideas just come to me like this uh like my i would say that like all of my work that i put out there online is like five percent of my total ideas because like my issue is always like i have a bajillion ideas but like obviously i'm just a mere mortal right and like you only have like so much time and energy and patience and it's like and i want to like live my life too like i have all these ideas but i don't want to just like sit and make and patience. I want to live my life, too. I have all these ideas, but I don't want to just sit and make content all day. I want to fucking party and shit like that. They just kind of pop up into my brain, intrusive thoughts. My Twitter is just me posting all of my intrusive thoughts out loud.

I've always referred to all my social media apps as like different cum dumpsters where I just nut all my various ideas into so like TikTok is my like video cum dumpster and then Twitter is my Twitter cum dumpster and then like Instagram is my like thirst trap cum dumpster like every time I just have an idea I'm just sort of like put it into the algorithm and see if it and see if I get a reward and sometimes you do and sometimes you don't like um well like it's interesting like different people create content in different ways like for me like i totally don't give a fuck about what my audience wants from me or asks me i because i've built really no i don't that's interesting well i mean i guess your brand is kind of my brand is my brand is i literally don't give a fuck what

anybody thinks about me i just care about what i think of myself i kind of think that's how people should live i like i think that like life is bad for you if you're just constantly worried about what everyone's thinking of you. And I just, I'm just like, uh, um, but yeah, no, I know a lot of creators are like, what does my audience want? But, um, the reason I don't do that is, well, one, I don't want to. And two, I think people have a very bad, people are not good at asking for what they want because people don't actually know what they want right like what like people didn't want cars they wanted faster horses like everybody back in the horse era the horse era the horse horse era right now because i'm a good analogy no but like people like you know back in the horse era were like i want a faster horse and it's just like

no that's what you're saying what you want you just want speed right and then so people will say like we want this and i'm just like cool that's what you think you want but i built my entire platform off of doing what i thought was funny and then you just happen to like it latch on to it yeah so um oh god so deep see this is what you would find out this is what you'd find on my laptop is like my serious side where i like i like um because i always make fun of like those like you know life coach people who are like how to change your mind to change your life but because I unironically digest that content and think that way and so but all I also think that everything I do is like super cringe and so of course I'm like yeah no I don't unironically listen to Gary Vee like like you

know like I'm and I'm just like no no like I I'm negative I'm cynical I totally don't tell myself like really affirming things every morning, telling myself every day. You don't say positive affirmations at breakfast? Yeah, and I'm just like, no, I don't love myself secretly. Well, yeah, it's weird because everyone's processed. That's why it's so interesting to ask creative people

how they think of stuff because with our stuff, how do you guys even do it? With the podcast? Don't think at all. That's the main thing. Yeah, I think it is different for each of us and do it. With the podcast? Don't think at all. That's the main thing. I think it is different for each of us because I know you do a lot of prep and things but for me it's very much just like if we have an idea

just come up with it on the spot. You were just asking her any merch that she didn't come out with. I thought of like three merches. Oh, so you do it more on the spot? Yeah. I was thinking because you have the clitoral hoodies and like three merches. Oh, so you do it more on the spot? Yeah. Like I was thinking, because you have the clitoral hoodies and stuff like that.

Oh yeah, so the clitoral hoodie. I was like, no, so for that I was like, oh, well then maybe I could have like a dick and balls sweater also where it's like, you have two just like giant, like no, it's not practical, right?

I think sweats would be better. No, a onesie with the feet as the balls. Oh. And just a giant dick hanging between your legs. Yeah, and no arms. No, you are the dick. No arm the balls. Oh! And just a giant dicking between your legs. Yeah, and no arms. No, you are the dick. No arm holes. Oh, you are the dick and the balls are your feet.

Yeah, it has a cutout of your head. Oh my God. And then the hoodie would be like the foreskin, right? And your arms could be pubes. I don't know. No, I remember this one time I was like, I was like high at this party and I was wearing the clitoral hoodie

and I was like, guys, look, I'm like a foreskin. I'm just like one. And then I was like, wait, maybe we should make foreskin hoodies. But you know, like my foreskin content doesn't do that well on tiktok like there are certain genres where i'm just like i try to start as breast milk religion that didn't work out for me the breast milk religion no yeah i had this whole how did that we actually did a whole episode on breast milk yeah yeah i think more i think there should be more breast milk content but apparently people don't want to hear it from me. So, well, because I had this whole like vision of this queen, like it's like Queen Lactifa and she's like a breast milk goddess.

And then you have to pray to her every year if you want to have a bountiful yield of breast milk this fall because we live in a dystopian society in order for this character that I'm saying right now to work. And so it's like I just imagine her with like really pointy tits and then she's like squirting acid milk out of them. And like that's how Queen Lactifa conquers the world. So I tried to I made like 10 videos about it and all of them flopped and I got really bitter about it. So I deleted it like like I delete most of my videos. Deleted the whole series? Yeah, because I was just like I mean, I was bitter. I was just like, this is amazing.

Queen Lactifa. And like no one liked it. And then I got insecure about it. And I was like, OK, fine. I didn't. Whatever. It's fine yeah yeah it takes forever i mean we have that same sort of stuff happen to us where we'll think some idea that we have is going to do really well and then that's the one that does bad and then the one that we're like reluctant to put out somehow we're like this is this is trash but we need to put something out and then that's the one that

does really well so yeah i just really don't you never know our opinion of like our own ideas is hard to gauge sometimes like well yeah because it because it's like, especially with comedy, right? I'm just like, okay, I think this is funny and that's subjective. And that doesn't mean that like a bunch of people, oh wait, my thing's coming off. Cause I was doing the foreskin impersonation here. Let me, let me readjust. I was just like, wow, my hair was fucked up because I was busy impersonating a foreskin and I didn't notice, um, you know, just typical problems. Um, but I would say with content creation, like I always tell people,

like when people are asking me, that process is the most important thing. Because like I've been like, yeah, so I've been like making viral videos now for, I don't know, maybe like two or three years. And I just noticed like every time I like get fixated on the numbers and every time it like backfires, right?

Like when you think about the numbers and the analytics and you're like, well would make it da da da da da da then it totally backfires because that's not what got you there in the first place what got you there in the first place was just making what you genuinely thought was funny and having fun with it right like i've um i've actually had this conversation with like so many people who've blown up in the last couple years where everybody kind of goes through the same like mental trajectory of like of like you start and you start, everyone starts the same, right? Everyone just starts like post, like having fun, posting whatever they want and just like

being themselves, not really overthinking it. And then, um, something that you do starts to blow up and you get a lot of traction and you're like, oh, and then you get into this mental thing of like, wait, um, how do I keep recreating that thing that's giving me results? How do I keep recreating that thing that's giving me results? Um, but then you're not like thinking from the same mindset that you were that like, wait, how do I keep recreating that thing that's giving me results? How do I keep recreating that thing that's giving me results? But then you're not like thinking from the same mindset that you were, that like got you the fame in the first place. Now you're thinking of it of like a, of like a results driven thing. Yeah. And then, and then it like kind of sucks all the joy out of it. And like, and people can, and like, even though you feel like you have control over

how people are perceiving you, people can sense that, right? Like people can sense when you're being genuine and having fun versus when you're like, just trying to do something and like force it for, for marketing. So like, um, like, cause my trajectory hasn't been totally linear, right? Like I exploded and then like, uh, so, so my specifically on TikTok, like I, um, I, I literally like exploded for six months and then I plateaued for six months and that was like such an emotional rollercoaster, right? Because, you know, months one through six, I was like, oh my God, I'm exploding. Like, it's like, I'm growing. Yeah, I'm growing linear.

And then in May, I did this like viral trend where I started this cult online called the Step Chickens. And then it like mass exploded. And I went for that. Yeah. And then, but then I went like super viral, right? So I went from like one to two million followers in like a day or a week or something.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy. No, there's all these news articles about it. It was like a whole thing. It was like the front page of New York Times. All of my ex-boyfriend's parents who live in upstate New York were like,

I saw you in the New York Times, Melissa. And I'm like, thanks, Connie. I hope you didn't watch the videos as to why. Yeah. Like, I hope you only saw the article. But then after that, I literally like plateaued and flopped for six months. And that was super, it was devastating. It was really depressing. Right. Because I was like, fuck, dude, I just like had all this success and I had this like huge explosion. And then now after having the huge explosion, you're, you're doing the same thing, but you have like nothing. And then I realized, and so that was a really difficult six months for me because I was like doing the same shit.

Like I was still making videos every day and I wasn't growing. And I was like, fuck, like, do I suck now? Because I was like tying my self-worth into it. Right. Like it's so, yeah, it's so hard to like, not, you know, define your self-worth by like, oh, this thing, that's like my passion and really important to me that I'm sharing with the world is successful. It's not successful. Oh yeah. Like, I'm not going to pretend that that doesn't hurt you in some way. Oh yeah. It's like when, like we just started this eight months ago and it's just fucking like everything went up at the start and then like it levels out at certain points. Yeah. But, but then, um, but luckily like now that I'm in this industry, I have friends who

have been doing this for much longer than me. So it's like you have the whole YouTube community who's been doing this for 10, 15 years. And so when I was struggling with my first plateau, all of my friends who were big in the YouTube community were like, oh, yeah, that's just what happens. That's what they say? What everybody has told me is that it's always just like this. It's like you rise and you plateau, and then you rise and you plateau and you write like it always comes in waves and so obviously your first wave is like oh my god i didn't know that it was a wave function right i didn't know that it was like come and go you like because um when you first get into i mean

how could you know right like when you see it happening to other people you gotta know this yeah like when you see it happening to other people you're just like oh yeah there's just really big and da da da da da da but like but like for me like when you see it happening to other people, you're just like, oh yeah, it's just really big and da-da-da-da-da-da-da. But like for me, like, you know, the second six months, so like the first six months of my explosion, then the second six months of me just like fucking flopping.

Like for six months straight, I was like, you know, I was at two million, but I wasn't like, I have two million followers. I was like, I'm stuck at two million followers, which is kind of an insane thing. That's a fuckload of people. Which is kind of an insane thing to say to yourself, but that's like what people are saying to themselves in their head. Cause you're just so used to like this

baseline growth. But, um, I kind of knew inside, I was just like, I was just sort of like, if I just keep doing this over time, like it'll pop off again, it'll pop off again. And it did. And actually what helped me like start growing again was I had a conversation with a friend who was basically like, hey, who's basically like, hey, Melissa, like, you know, like channel that person who you were when you first started. Like right now, like you're flopping because you're you're focused on it. Right. Like because you care so much about the numbers. But what got you here in the first place was not giving a fuck and just doing what you thought was cool. And so like get yourself back into that mindset of where you first were when you were just having fun. Like when you were blowing up and you were just doing exactly what you wanted and not overthinking it.

Like that's what got you growth. And then once I kind of got myself back into that mindset, I started growing again. And then over the last couple of years, I was just like, oh, this is like literally just a pattern. Like so now I'm so used to it. I was like, okay, so like you rise and then um over the last couple years i was just like oh this is like literally just a pattern like so now i'm so now i'm so used to it right it's like okay it's not like you rise and then you plateau then you rise and you plateau and you rise and you plateau because it's not like it's not like i'm creating content all the time right like i'm also like living my life and you gotta get out there to fucking know what's what's funny for you yeah you need uh you need material again yeah i need to like actually live my life right and then

so i've just become very comfortable knowing that like at all like all of my success has always come in these like waves right where it'll be there'll be this one month where i'm getting like you know so much attention and all of these like huge deals and then it'll be like three months of radio silence but i don't that doesn't worry me anymore because now that I've been doing this for like two to three years, I've just seen that it's just a pattern. Like it, it just always is like, you're just like,

when in doubt, get back to the towel. Yeah. You know? Yeah. When in doubt, just get back to the towel. I've heard a lot of like standup comedians

like on some of their podcasts talk shit about like the superstar comedians. Like once they reach this insane level of success, it's like what made them funny was talking about being on the fucking subway and all this crazy shit they experience and they're not relatable anymore and they're not relatable anymore like that's what makes comedy like especially like a lot of the comics i like it's just like realistic funny shit that they just observe and they're like as soon as they're fucking flying in private jets and having chefs

cook for them every night like there's not really anything that anyone that their audience is involved in that you're not related to it's not relatable whatsoever that anyone, that their audience is involved in that's related to. It's not relatable whatsoever. You don't meet that random guy that fucking pisses you off. Yeah, like all these guys who play arenas and shit. There's very few that have maintained being insanely funny. Yeah, I mean, that's why I'm glad that I sort of entered this already, a fully formed adult.

I lived in the real world before getting on TikTok. Because prior to this, I was a stereotypical go to college, work a corporate job person. I went to Berkeley, I worked for Google, hated it. I was just doing it because I was like, I mean, we're millennials, so I was kind of fed that story of there's no jobs and the economy sucks and if you don't get into a good college and get a good job

then you're going to die on the street. And I was like, well, I don't want that to happen so i guess i'll go to college and get a job and then i mean we were just talking about this on the way up is like how important growing up some abnormal is yeah yeah exactly not with a bunch of and like that's i feel like a lot of people just don't do that i can't believe i just thought of this um revelation doesn't completely relate, but there's a guy on TikTok right now who I think is doing the most important work

that anyone's ever done. He does a series. He goes around and he asks people, what would you rate yourself a one out of 10? And they say it. And he says, do you think other people would agree? And then he shows, he takes a picture of them and shows it to another person and says,

rate them one out of 10. And it is, I swear to God, it's going to change the world. I'm not kidding you. It's the best because every girl or guy is like, I'm a nine, I'm a 10. And it is, I swear to God, it's going to change the world. I'm not kidding you. It's the best because every girl or guy is like, I'm a nine, I'm a ten. And then they show the picture and it's like four. And then they, so he goes and he just keeps going from person to person.

And I think everyone in the world needs that check. That might not be the best way to do it by looks. But like someone needs to be going around and be like, all right, evaluate your life right now. And it's like, oh, it's a check. Maybe not fully looks based thing, but a life evaluation. If you did a life evaluation around and be like, all right, evaluate your life right now. And it's like, oh, it's a tech. Maybe not fully looks basic, but a life evaluation. If you did a life evaluation, it's like, oh yeah, I'm killing it in this, this, and this.

And then they show that to someone else and they're like, ugh. And then if you got to see that back, you're like, okay, maybe not. Maybe I need to go back to work a little bit. Perspective is important. Self-awareness is the biggest skill in the world. The most endearing quality of anything you can have. Yeah, I kind of think it should be a baseline human requirement that they should teach

in school. So I'm like, they should teach self-awareness. They should just beat them all down and make it work. Awareness in all aspects. Self-awareness, social awareness, street-smart awareness. I don't know if that's a type of thing. You just made it a thing just now. Being able to tell when you're in a room and you like just being able being able to tell like when you're in a room

and you're being annoying or being able to tell that like just having a sense of what's going on around you is just general self-awareness yeah yeah general self-awareness that all falls under the umbrellas yeah i feel like there's so many little pieces sort of like i just remember the lessons that were drilled in me and like my school system were like okay here are the three stages of a butterfly of a monarch butterfly it's like caterpillar cocoon and monarch, but you're, you're remembering this. Right. And I'm like, uh-huh. Yeah. And like, and just stuff where it's like, okay, what are the three types, like three states of matter, like solid liquid and gas. And I'm like, yep, this is, this is important. This is important. I'm glad that I'm memorizing it

and that you're using it to evaluate me and determine my future. Yeah, that makes sense, because it's super important life knowledge. It's super important. Solid liquid and gas, bro. Sublimation. Damn, they really taught us all that shit, and then we just... Dude, my geometry teacher,

like in probably my sophomore year of high school, said to get the Pythagorean theorem tattooed on ourselves because we're going to need it for the rest of our lives. What? I swear to God. That's nuts. Looking back, I'd love to think... A squared, B squared, C squared. I'd That's nuts. Looking back, I'd love to think... A squared, B squared, C squared.

I'd love to think... Looking back, I'd love to think that he would just say that every time and just crack the fuck up because he had to have been joking, but none of us thought that. We're like, well, it's important right now, so it must be important forever. And I was just looking back, I'm like, holy fuck. Honestly, middle school teachers are so weird.

Well, yeah, i have a few of those memorized still i think yeah quadratic y equals mx plus b negative b plus or minus square root of 2ac all over x equals negative wow that was very impressive negative b plus or minus square they had a song for you as soon as you learned this oh yeah that was way ahead of you i was way ahead of you i remember animaniacs had a song for remembering all the states and capitals. It's like Baton Rouge, Louisiana, Indianapolis, Indiana, and Columbus is the capital of Ohio.

They threw capitals in the song? Yeah. Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California. I was doing the Animaniacs one. They have a whole one, but clearly I only know the first three lines. Songs hit different. There's a section in your brain that's dedicated to it. if we want to talk about songs you have a pretty uh impressive

discography yeah i know that's um that's well that's why i do them i'm like what's the least amount of work i can do for the most amount of virality so we've got chunky's dead here on spotify chunky's dead on spotify where does that name come from um literally one of the literally there's just it's a really sad story, actually. No, it was just one of the first TikTok trends I saw. So when I first got TikTok two or three years ago or whatever, there was just this song. It's like a play on this Donkey Kong song.

So there's a Donkey Kong song where it's like, his name is Donkey, he's dead. And then someone remixed it or whatever. It was like, his name is Chunky, he's dead. And then a bunch of kids were using that trend to talk about their pet that had died. And I was like's dark and funny and that's my username now i put very little thought into it i was just like that's funny and now that's my username and then um i just kind of forgot to change it but then like i got really successful really fast and then i was like fuck

this is my username now uh i guess can't really change it can't really change it now and then um and then i recently changed it. Cause I kind of want people to know my name is Melissa, not chunky because people actually think, cause people are stupid. People are like, Oh, like inherently. Yes. Yeah. Cause like people are like, like people actually think my name is chunky. Um, and it's funny cause like, I'll be like recognized in public people be like chunky, but like people who don't know that that's my username will be like, that person's being a fat shamer or whatever like i like i remember in new york i like walked into a coffee shop i could see someone screaming chunky at a human being is my first thought if i didn't know

who they were would be like hey hey chill out no no like that's what happened so i was um when i like used to live in manhattan i was like at a coffee shop i go up to get coffee and um this guy at the coffee shop he recognized me and he goes and he literally just like blurts. He's like, Oh my God, you're that chunky girl. And, um, and then everybody around is like horrified. What the fuck did he just, everyone around is horrified. And I was like, no, no, no guys, it's okay. It's my username online. It's just, it's okay. Um, but I kind of was like, yeah, I think I'm going to have it be my real name. I mean, Chunky's, the story that you had behind that is not as bad as half the names that people come up with. Oh, by far.

Like what is Post Malone? He like put it in like a word generator. Yes. He put it in a rap game generator. And he's like one of the biggest artists in the world. That's a word generator? Yeah. He just typed it into, he said random word generator and just clicked it like three times

and then went with that. Yep. Wow. Does it have to do with his name? Isn't his like last name Malone? His name's Austin Post. Okay, never mind. Yeah, he just put it in.

He said, what is your name? And then picked like some descriptive words. What's your favorite color? And a bunch of other stuff. And then you click it and it goes nuts. Cool, yeah. I feel like a lot of these usernames have very little thought that go into them.

I mean, because that's pretty much all of my content. The 69420 thing wasn't super thought out? That's by design all of my content. The 69, 420 thing wasn't super thought out. That's by design. Yeah. I was just, um, well, like it was a little bit thought out in that, like, I always just think it's kind of pretentious when people are like, oh, I'm like, you know, like people have such an obsession with their individuality. Right.

And people are just sort of like, no, like, cause I remember when I did Melissa on 69, 420, people were like, no, but but like you should have done just like just the melissa ongs you could be the only melissa ong and i'm like i am not tied to my identity in the same way that you are like i am very well aware that i am like a sack of organs with a conscious and i just present this way like i i'm not like i hate to say it too i doubt that you're the only melissa ong no there's a bajillion there's a bajillion yeah that's right off the top side i feel like it could have got lost in the wash so no no exactly and um yeah there's a bajillion like literally the other day um one of my agents at uta he was having dinner with someone named melissa ong and then there

was like a name tag and he sent it to me he was like look it's your Singaporean equivalent and I was like wait I actually know who that is because whenever I search for myself on LinkedIn she pops up instead of me because I'm banned on LinkedIn you're banned on LinkedIn yeah I got banned on LinkedIn because I was just posting some like absurd shit unhinged so like tentacles well because I think like LinkedIn is so cringe right it's just like I've never even opened that website yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's back from when I was in my Berkeley Google days and I was doing that shit. So I started shit posting on LinkedIn. Because people post really cringe shit on LinkedIn,

like, what's your superpower? Oh, I've seen some friends post some shit that I'm like, yo, who are you? They'll screenshot and put it in a group chat, and I'm like, whoo. Yeah, and so I think the post that got me banned was I was like, what's your superpower superpower mine is clenching my ass cheeks um and then and i like and and i made a video about it so i have a song called clench game strong clench game strong yeah it didn't go

uh super viral but i wrote it and it exists and it's online it's not in your top five can i list this top five just for the for our listeners please and i And I want to know your favorite, but don't say it immediately. Okay. I have to run through the gambit here. So we've got number one, drink it, smoke it, snort it, shoot it. That's a good one. Don't fuck your coworkers. That's one of my personal faves.

That's a newer one, right? Mm-hmm. Yep. That one hit. We go, don't kill yourself. You're too sexy. Very inspirational. Mm-hmm.

Big clit energy. Of course. And then fucking busy comma busy fucking yeah which of those are you most proud of um to be honest i'm most even though it wasn't the most viral i'm most proud of big clit energy because it kind of summarizes my life philosophy and also because dj felly fell produced it and that was pretty dope because all of my other songs um are made by me and like one of my best friends brad we just kind of get high and make them on a computer we're just like song like i'll just be like let's make a song called don't kill

yourself you're too sexy and we'll make it in under 16 minutes and just have it be like just bare minimum like the reason why all my songs are 60 seconds long is because that's the absolute bare minimum like length of song you need to like yeah yeah, to like upload it. Cause like, I'm all about doing like the absolute bare minimum at all times. And so, yeah. So, um, and so like when I think of my songs, I'm just sort of like this, they just kind of come to me in my head. Cause, um, what does it mean? Big foot energy? Um, I think it just, I did have a couple of questions to go along with that, but go ahead and leave with that. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Is it, is it like big balls energy? Cause it's not the same no it's big dick energy come on balls energy okay dick but

clippin would be vagina you i understand no but it may be the way you're equivalent to clit you get the balls dude no the tip of your dick is your clit so if it were like accurate it would if it were like an accurate name, it would probably be like, I don't know, Titan wet pussy energy. I just chose big clit energy because it sounds like big dick energy. So like, I got that. I got that. I've just never heard the phrase big balls energy, nor do I ever want to.

Okay. Yeah. Like you have, what kind of energy is that? Big balls. Um, but yeah, for big clit energy, I was like, it just, it kind of sounds like Big Dick Energy, but it's the female version. And essentially it, it's just kind of my life philosophy where like, obviously I'm a feminist, but I think it's, there's, there's no shortage of like racism and sexism in the world, right?

Like that's kind of how I've lived my entire life is just enduring racism and sexism in the world right like that's kind of how i've lived my entire life is just enduring racism and sexism and so what big clint energy like means to me on a serious note is just like me like unfucking my brain from like all the lessons that you are like fed by the patriarchy right because it's like okay when you're a girl and you're born everyone tells you that like you're not as good as a boy and that you and that like your worth is only in your looks and your sex appeal and whatever. And obviously your clit size and your clit size. Exactly. And it's unfortunate because like, you know, a lot of easier to find. So I do. Yeah. But, but it's unfortunate because you know, a lot of girls, like they grow up with this mentality and it's just, it's just, it's like, it's not awesome to be told like, Hey, you're not as good as men.

And also your entire self-worth is in their validation. And that's like a shitty way to grow up. That's a shitty thing to tell kids. So like big lead energy for me is just sort of like, Hey, like that, fuck that you're, you're a person. You're just doing whatever the fuck you want. Um, big lead energy to me is just like, you're, you're your own person. You're just confident. You're doing whatever you want, not caring about what anyone thinks. It sounds awesome. Yeah, and fucking whatever you want, right? I'm a supporter of Big Clit Energy for sure.

Yeah. Join the movement. I think you answered my questions in that answer there. She summed it all up. I mean, my question was mostly just like, is it as dependent on the size as I think it is? But it seems like it's much more of an overarching theme. Yeah. It's about the energy, the size of the energy is but it seems like it's much more of an overarching theme so yeah it's about the energy

the size of the energy yeah it's not about the clit itself being big it's about the energy right like those images I showed earlier well cause like

big dick energy it is sort of about the size like someone can have a small dick but still act like they have the energy of someone with a big dick

still all about the energy I think this one goes a little deeper it did men are much more surface level with their validations I think this one goes a little deeper. It did and it does. It's more surface level with their validations. I think this would be a good transition into our invention actually

since we were going over big clit energy there. We do do a segment every week with a degenerate invention. All we really do is come up with the name of it and then we design it on the spot. Our invention this week, because you were here is the clit finder. Um, and I know it's going to be tempting to say like, it just doesn't work, but let's try and actually design it out. My first thought with this is it kind of has to be one of two ways,

either really simple or very complex in how it describes where it is. Like we can either do like a hot cold, like a very simple way for the dumb men. Like a beep? Like it slowly beeps louder maybe? Like a stud finder for a while? Well, I think it should be something that a man has to wear on his tongue or in his mouth. It should be like a mouthpiece, right? It's like when you're going down.

Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like a thing that you put in your mouth and that you put over your tongue. And then it's like when you're getting closer, it's like... When you're getting farther, it's like... But it has to be so accurate. Maybe like one of those... It's like finding a needle in a fucking haystack. What are those like breath strips that you used to put on your tongue?

The Listerine strips? Yeah, it's like that sort of thing. And then it has... It's like one of those super fancy contactsisterine strips. Yeah, it's like that sort of thing. And then it has one of those super fancy contacts that they have in the movies, but like that sort of thing. I got it. It has to be sort of like Hungry Hippo, where it's the reverse though. Explain that better.

So as you go further away, you start getting zapped. That's Operation. Oh, I said Hungry Hungry Hippos. Damn, dude. I was thinking about the time that he brought that up that's operation you're operation so as you get further away it matters so much that your tongue gets zapped and more intensely as you get further away oh it's like when you put it on you're like oh yeah and then you kind of get

in there has to be but i think how do you get it to stop buzzing you? How do you actually... You got to get there. How do you find it? Well, actually, so the only way to get it to turn off is through a female's cum. So a female cum is a thing that turns it off. So it won't stop ringing in your ear specifically until she cums. If you were here,

you would not have thought about that aspect of it at all. I promise you. Yeah, I'm adding the female perspective and the Asian one. See, I was thinking it has to have a Google Maps verbal directions like make a left

in two inches. Make a left at the labia and go up. You always get lost on Google. You miss a turn and you're fucked. I think we're pretty close though. Yeah, we are always pretty close but we never quite we never quite make it to the destination yeah if that is the tagline it'll get you pretty close we'll get you almost there yeah uh do we want to play uh bush or not i think bush or not it's the

one and pretty much we're debating whether or not We're talking about the former president, right? It is not strictly based on that. But we're debating whether or not these celebrities slash characters Did 9-11? Got it. Have Bush or not. We're starting off with T-Swift?

T-Swift. Wait, did we see? Sorry to interrupt. The picture that I just saw posted today, she's got some melons. Oh, did she? Those are new. Those gotta be new. Did you see that picture we put in the Instagram chat?

Taylor's tits? Dude, she's got. The new account that just got made? Those are fucking diesel. I think for T-Swift, it depends on the time of year. Like if she's fresh out of a breakup and just put out like a new album, she's probably, I think she's waxed out. Oh, you think she's waxed out? When she's fresh on the time of year. If she's fresh out of a breakup and just put out a new album, I think she's waxed out.

You think she's waxed out? When she's fresh on the street from a relationship. I think when she's in album mode, she's full bush. Album mode is full bush? She's just focused on writing good songs. She doesn't have time to wax or shave. That's true. She's so devoted to the music. Exactly. She's that pure of an artist.

I could get behind that. What do you think? I just feel like she probably got laser hair removal a long time ago. I feel like a lot of people... I mean, that's what I got. I got laser hair removal a bunch of years ago so I can just live out my dolphin dreams. Wait, does that last forever?

Pretty much. I think it shreds the hair follicles. Yeah, it destroys your hair follicles. It destroys them forever. I had to get it like shreds the hair follicles yeah it like destroys your hair follicles it like it destroys them forever i had to get it like 10 times um and it's more painful yeah um but uh yeah now i'm just living my dolphin dreams because the rest of me is smooth anyway because i'm asian um i hadn't picked up on that thank you so much for noticing i'm so glad you finally noticed. I thought you were a white male.

Like a cis white male. Oh my God, it's working. Whatever I'm doing is working. Yeah, here in the metaverse, your avatar is working. Yeah, there's this meme of this dolphin that's just like up and it's like, I ain't got no panties on. And I was like, I resonate with that. And that's how I feel about my extremely smooth vagina

that I got laser hair removal on many years ago. You heard it here first. There's a lot of comments I'd like to make, but we're just going to have to move on. Okay. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. I think Taylor Swift just always has bush. What?

No, hell no. You don't think so? You think Calvin Harris was plowing bush? Fuck off. Grow up. I'm out on that. Calvin Harris is tall, right, and bush. He's from Scotland.

After she mentioned the fact that there's laser hair removal yeah there's no who else has she ran through let's be honest wow that's a really good way to put it well I don't mean like

who else has ran through her who else has she ran through correct who else she dated she's dated what Harry Styles Calvin Harris isn't there

John Mayer in there John Mayer's in there he's in there trust me it's a long list. I think it's almost too long to even try and recite. We'll be here. Your bush is a wonderland. Your bush is a wonderland. Dude, maybe

that's what the song was about. He was trying to fucking fight through a forest with a machine. Well, if you watch Alice in Wonderland, it's pretty forested. That's so fair. It is very, very vegetated. I feel like bald guys, though, would like to play with the bush as this fantasy of, like, I have hair, and I'm also licking a vagina.

It's more for me, like, I can't grow a mustache. That's why I'm into it. That's why you're into it. You just put your head. I finally get to feel a little hair up there. You were asking for your personal take on this one. Go ahead. Go ahead and let the people know what you're into, my boy.

And who's next? Okay. Next, we got Fiona. See, there's a couple things to think about here. Okay. Okay, during the transformation. Oh, yeah couple things to think about here. During the transformation Oh yeah, that Shrek pussy. The Shrek pussy.

The Shreksy. That's Shreks. The Fiona-sy. She's been locked away in a tower. Oh, she's got mad bush. I'd almost be willing to say that she's bushed up now and then in transformation loses all the bush. Do ogres reverse ogre bush?

Have you ever seen hair on an ogre? I've never seen it. Shrek's is bald. I think we should Google it. I think we should Google Shrek genitalia now. You can actually probably look that up. Yeah, does Shrek have bush? Can we go to the site that you had? I feel like it would be better for that. Fiona How do I look this up?

Shrek porn? I literally just got invited to this universal Shrek premiere and it's like... There's up? Shrek porn? I literally just got invited to this Universal Shrek premiere. There's a new Shrek? Yeah, I think it's like Puss in Boots or something. Completely fucking hairless. And Shrek's got a log as expected. Yeah, no, they're both hairless.

Yeah, we're bushless. But Fiona still has her hair on top of her head when she turns into Shrek form. So she might be bushed out. But no, we just saw there's no bush. I trust that artist. That's true. That's the story.

Whoever makes those fucking ridiculous illustrations of cartoon characters. They've done their research. They're familiar with the lore. They're a super fan. We're going to trust their knowledge. Illustrators are legends these days. They have to be.

Okay, Fiona, we're going. Oh, shit, shit, shit. Oh, be. Okay, Fiona, we're going. Oh, shit, shit, shit. Oh, wow. Okay. Fiona, we're saying. I'm saying Bush now, no Bush when she's an ogre. Yeah. That's what Jay was saying.

No Bush when she's an ogre. Yeah. Ogres don't have hair, dude. I just looked at an illustration. Do you want me to put it up on the screen? Okay, no, no, no, no. You're good. You're okay.

I should have showed it to you guys. For sure. For sure. For sure. Heavy, right? Bleach tips? Bleach tips. For sure. For sure. For sure. Heavy, right? Bleach tips? Bleach tips. Bleach tips, for sure.

Bleach tips. No, he probably bleaches the tips and then he changes the color of the tips. Exactly like that. Exactly. With the missing patch, too. He's got a flavor saver bleached out. Bleach tips? I think he probably stores hot sauce in it, right?

So he probably drenches his pubes in hot sauce, and then when he's eating, he just takes chicken. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no. Great great i got it it's either it's it's definitely bleached no matter what but it's either in the shape of flames like she said or it has some sort of flavor town embroidery across the top i'm just saying pure logistics here he's way too busy driving around america searching for the greatest diners drive-ins and dives to attend to his pubic hair he's also got what's the piercing called? Prince Albert? He's got a Prince Albert.

There's no way he doesn't. Has to. And he wears shades on the back of his dick. He wears shades on the back of his dick? He always walks around like this. Pete Davidson. He's such a scraggly fucker. I feel like he doesn't really

He's got like a half bush You can't have buttholes on your eyes I don't know I think that he is probably smooth down there Because I think he cares about the pleasure of women And I think that I think that like he's very much like I feel like he wouldn't be fucking Every single girl on the planet

If he didn't have like a shaved like really nice situation down there I mean if the dong's big enough, I feel like no one cares. I don't think Kim K is throating anything that's not well kept. We don't know, though. I don't know a lot about her. You rock that half of a shave on your face

and you don't think he has a brush? I've never seen him clean shaven. That looks like a 14-year-old's face on your face. That's true, but you've also never seen him fuck. That's true. i mean like just like up here doesn't necessarily represent down there right that's true but i you can't do that so i mean you totally did it last week i think it's not full bush i think it's like a half-ass shave with like a a guarded razor yeah a weekend on a double blade yeah he's got like a guarded razor. It's a weekend. A weekend on a double blade?

He's got like a number two on it. Some clippers and he's just like... Half bush for him? Half bush. Okay. For sure, right? For sure. I don't know how to tiptoe around this without saying something horribly. She's the dude in the relationship

because her wife is like the way more pretty, pretty princess girl. Wow, you really tiptoed around that one. You did it. You really did that one. Well, I mean, her wife's gorgeous. Dig the hole. Yeah, I think she's got a full fucking bush.

What do you think? I'd like to think it's the exact same as the top of her head. It's like a little comb over. Yeah, I'd like to think it's the exact same as the top of her head. It's like a little comb over? Yeah, I'd like to think it's that exact look. Because that is the Ellen cut. It's well-groomed for sure. If she's staying on brand, I think she would.

Yes. Middle part, though. I don't know. I could almost middle part mine. I don't know. I feel like if she's in, you know, like if they're having sex and eating each other's pussies and shit, I feel like she's probably keeping it clean shaven for her partner.

That's fair. I don't think Portia's diving into a full bush. I don't think so. No. Wait, who's Portia? Her wife. Her wife. Is she hot?

Yeah. She's very hot. She's been married for like 20 something years. She's on arrest development, I think. They have a couple of adopted children together. She's a pretty lady. Okay. That was Bush or not? That was Bush or not. I think everyone was have a couple of adopted children together. She's a pretty lady. Okay. That was Bush or not?

That was Bush or not. I think everyone was Bush. Or not. They were one or the other. That's the name of the game. It's a 50-50 game there. All right. Does that wrap us up?

I think we did it here today. I think we did it, folks. We crushed it. That was a blast. Do you want to plug anything before we do that? Plug everything. Yeah, plug everything. What do you got coming up?

Oh, man. Or just socials? Whatever you got coming up oh man socials with whatever you got well um i have some really big things coming out next year that i'm actually not allowed to talk about but just know that uh i have i have big projects coming out next year but in the meantime um i would just love to plug my awesome merch clitoral hoodies cum towels um a bunch of other stuff uh that's on my website, melissa-ong.com slash ongang. And yeah, please follow me on all my socials, melissaong69420, because I desperately need the validation. It's my livelihood and my kink.

You could be ending a life if you don't follow her. Yeah. Figure the fuck out. Yep. It's a life or death scenario. Yeah. Urgency. We, of course, are at FOMO Music.

No FOMO Podcast. Sorry, that's fucking the wrong thing. That's our other thing. No FOMO Podcast underscore on all socials. If you guys want to support the pod, head over to our merch link in the bio. We'll see you guys next week. Yep.

Gang gang.