NO FOMO - 56. Normalize Boners

Episode Date: September 1, 2023

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Ladies and gentlemen, the electricity is palpable in the room. It's the last show in the downtown dojo. Yes, sir. Downtown dojo. How have we not called it that until now? I don't know. I just popped into my head. But can we get a Fitch hack, dude? Oh, yeah. No, not you. Not all of us, dude. Oh, not all of us?

John hit us up today and said we got to bring the costumes back. I don't know what back means. We've worn them like maybe two or three times, but I like... I saw that one that Mark posted with me as the Queen of England queen of england or whatever and i was like okay that was fun yeah the costume what was that for uh she died yeah he was dead you were the ghost of queen elizabeth yeah dude she was loving it from the very got you're just like a trailer trash kind of like what i wish i could be i'm a you look like you could be that I could be this and I am this yeah I'm a straight-up twill a twill a twisted tone the rest on the wrist the head and they're not ready for the wrist Mark what are you?

Your class Yeah, you're but like drinker. Yeah, but I like that's part of it. I'm a fan of it. Bud Light's actually ass, but it's mid. They're all the same. I'm kind of just over beer in general. Oh, okay. Here we go. You're a big IPA guy for a minute. I was. I was a heavy IPA guy. Everybody had that face. But it made me sleepy. Yeah, I do like when you do drink a couple IPAs and you just get like hammered off three is a nice change of pace. Well, it was sick in college when it was like i only want to buy two beers at the bar you don't want to get as drunk as you do the abv check now it's like i want to have 20 now it's like i want to have 20 drinks dude this one's 11 i'm going for the lowest percentage possible oh and those make you feel

like can i get a vodka soda extra ice let it melt dude the hangovers from those were fucking next level rancid. You feel like just a pile of sand. You ever get where you wake up like super energized after like the hangover wears, like or the drunk wears off before the hangover? Yeah. Yeah. You'd wake up.

Oh, we used to ride those highs. Yeah, you'd wake up with this false sense of confidence and then get hit by a freight train like three hours later. You make plans to do something because you feel so good. And then at my 11, you're like, nope, not leaving. Is that the golden hour? I feel like 10 to 12 is like when you. i think you ever get one of those or six to eight yeah i was gonna say if you get one if you wake up chipper as a fucking little snicker snicker if you wake up at 6 a.m after heavily drinking watch out oh yeah it's a false alarm yeah it's

mimosa plant you're done for that's if you are lucky enough to get that though because most of the time i just wake up feeling instantly like fuck yeah i feel like i haven't gotten that in years oh yeah that's because we either that's because we're just riding the high all night stay up till four instead of one or just don't go you didn't go to sleep for four hours yeah what am i saying we did mushrooms in this living room for 24 hours straight yeah all right i don't really get hung over from that yeah yeah that's a tough one um no i'd say we were hung over from that though yeah that one put me in a little bit of a coffee yeah well i know we're like 95 twisted but we kind of ran it straight to dom like the next day didn't we yeah there was a there was a con oh chris lake was like the next day

yeah it was chris lake and then we had well we woke up that morning hung over and then took the mushrooms and that saved us and got like a what do you call it an eight ball a ball of eight ball of eight yeah the bigger one but not a lot of news to report this week other than uh i love the news garrett in in six days we'll be moving in together i don't know about you dude i've been girl bossing it this week john's already oh yeah john's got a new vibe john's already got a new vibe girl bossing it this week. John's already moving in. John's got a new vibe. John's already got a new vibe. Girl bossing. Girl boss.

Name something that you did this week. Slept. Girl boss. I love saying that. I can't wait to make girl dinner with your girlfriend. Oh, and girl boss it. It's going to be a really joyous time. Met up with the fantasy football friends from middle school. Last weekend? Yeah. they're not in shape they're listening no they're not yeah they are there's no way ricky's the only

one and he's the only one still in shape no no so i took a picture no no i'm ricky the only one listening that was the question yeah that's true but i took a picture for my mom just you know cute little hey this is all of us center the picture she she said uh Brian and Aaron look great I thought she said me oh yeah Brian and Garrett look great you're Aaron where's Eli and so she was oh oh for on names and oh for on picture people in the picture yeah she's never cared about any of your friends I don't think she knew like so me and Brian obviously weren't even there. She knew one of the Asian kids. And then she asked where the one person who was there was. Bless her heart.

Bless her heart. She's good at that. Yeah, she's on it. But that's why we love her. Yeah, what did we do this weekend? Oh, me and Morgan kind of torched low-key. Yeah, we had a... Friday, we were going...

I went to Nova, and then he says he didn't want to go and then shows up just out of nowhere standing behind me at one o'clock in the morning. Popped a pill in Ibiza, dude. Yeah. Apartment Ibiza pill. Mike. What's that guy's name?

Mike Posner. Mike Posner. Kind of a fucking soft name. It's kind of a poser name. Yeah. Whatever happened to him after that pill? I actually saw him on TikTok like a day ago. He has a pretty sweet documentary.

Does he? Tender. It's a tender doc yeah yeah about watch that well because about him he like definitely was like a was poised no pun intended posed poised a one-hit wonder but he did have a little bit of a resurgence and then he fell off again so maybe there'll be a so he's a two-hit follow-up documentary a two-hit wonder child? Yeah. Good for him. Other than that, I don't have a ton of news reports. Do you only have to make two hits and then you're just not a one-hit guy?

Or if you just have two good songs in a row? I think if they're condensed into a five-year span, you're still a one-hit wonder. Yeah. If it's on the same album. Like Soulja Boy is still a one-hit wonder. No, Soulja Boy tells him. Yeah, that's true.

He does tell him. He does tell him. But like, okay, think about like... He tells people. Fetty Wap had like 10 hits and he's still a one-hit wonder. No, Soulja Boy tells him. Yeah, that's true. He does tell him. He does tell him. But, like, okay, think about, like, Fetty Wap had, like, ten hits, and he's still a one-hit wonder. Does he have ten hits? No, he had 679, Trap Queen. 1738.

He also can't see, though. That's kind of making fun of disabled. I'm not trying to do that. He didn't have to draw attention to the fact that that's what I'm... We played a show with a fucking half-eyed guy. Half-eyed? We opened for him. He has half the amount of eyes we opened for oh like what he has yeah i thought you were talking about a different person who has one eye and then a half of the

other their lineup was so good that we opened for fettywap was that at hard sense no it was at a fucking hard zero festival oh it was at the soft festival. Yeah, it was He also brought 60 people with him. I remember when zoo played at the same thing and there was like eight people in the crowd Oh, yeah, that that was fucked up. That was the one where it rained worst events. We've ever played in our lives Um, it rained didn't it give yourself something? Yeah, but this was it they moved zoo indoors and there were still like ten people there. I feel like it's been raining at everything I'm just trying to help my boys out here but yeah it really sucks when the the crowd is going mild as shit crowd's going mild yeah that fucking absolute not fire sauce but that medium yellow

from what else we got in the news you see trump's entire he loves the news he's a news guy i'm just trying to say we don't have a lot to report on our own but do you see trump's entire he loves the news he's a news guy i'm just trying to say we don't have a lot to report on our own but do you see trump's entire court case gonna be live stream on youtube that's really that's gotta be a first besides i saw they have the amber heard doc oh yeah did you guys watch it no is it good dude it's good is it good it's so good yeah i was so into it when it happened i think it would just be annoying to watch it again it's so good yeah bodies are dude do they have like inside the scenes shit like behind the scenes it's in the court is he in it yeah they're both in it like i don't mean the court case like are they individually in it yeah he's like are they like are they doing he plays jack sparrow in it he's fucking hate no but it's fucking awesome because he shows us at

the courthouse every day and everybody's just like yeah she shows up just beaten to death but like do they they're throwing rocks they have like private interviews with each of them in it or no yeah he plays jack sparrow shut the fuck up god damn it oh this bitch where's the rum dude for the record john i don't know if you know this yet john morgan hasn't slept yeah i know he hasn't slept okay what i can't get a little loopy with it yeah you're always loopy with it he said he he said we have a bunch of plans tomorrow macy's like oh we're doing this this and this and i was like you know morgan hasn't slept in two days right why you gotta do this to me what like you think she doesn't know i don't think she would no fucking rat she just she said you're gonna stay up

all night yeah regularly rat scum rat scum He moved in just to like plant some horrid seeds. Oh, dude, I've been fucking bodying you guys. She's all on my... I've got a teammate. I'll say that. I'm immune. Mm-hmm. You think that until you see how good of a team we are.

That's fair. I don't know what's been going on over there. One shared shower and it's been game over. Okay. That makes me uncomfortable. Plug your ass for that. That makes me uncomfortable. I don't like playing with this hair. It kind of goes. But what else is in the news, Garrett? Come on, you his hair it kind of goes But what else is in the news Garrett come on you're fucking fumbling

Yeah what else is in the news The news with Garrett Tonight Mitch McConnell had another freeze up Okay that one was big Come on He froze again The old ass fucker

Remember when he literally froze after the alien interview Yeah what is he, 180? It happened again. The exact same thing happened again. Like, so gnarly. What's the post-game report on those? He's probably having a fucking aneurysm or something. No, but like, did they not have to talk about it?

Oh, no, they don't have to talk about shit. No, definitely not. No one wants to know about the mental health of someone when we vote in the office. It's probably par for the course, honestly. Those fucks need to be just assassinated. Dude, 80 is like, you're done. Like, you're barely... Way past done. Yeah.

You're like barely even put together. Pretty sure Trump was over 80 the first time he got elected. Now he's going for round two. I think he's 77. Yeah, you could be 77. How old's Biden? 78. Neither of them are 80. They're close enough. Biden's gotta be 80. No, he's 78.

Biden's a million. Are they putting his ass in there again? Yeah, he's going up. There's no way. Yes. That's fun. Trump didn't even go to the debates. Well, he was being indicted, wasn't he?

Yeah, but I mean, he's already the front runner by like 50 fucking points. These have bumped him up. Yeah. Well, he did that private interview with Tucker yeah and it got like fucking 40 million we got like the most views in 24 hour it got a hundred and forty million views in the first 24 hours the most viewed YouTube video of all time nice it's our goat dude America baby I might vote for when you guys are on Twitter it's not Twitter anymore it's X it's X I don't even know what you're talking about they not but if you click on it goes to Twitter comm it's kind of weird does it yeah what happens if I type in Twitter it's X come up it's. I don't even know what you're talking about. But if you click on it, it goes to Twitter.com. It's kind of weird. Does it?

Yeah. What happens if I type in Twitter? Does X come up? It's probably a lot of back-end stuff. You wouldn't understand. It says X Twitter. Okay. That's gay.

You guys want to play a little game to start? Yeah. Fucking hype me up. We haven't started yet. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the No Fomo Podcast. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Episode fuck off started yet. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the NoFoam podcast. Oh, sorry, yeah. Episode fuck off. That's John and that's Morgan.

This actual question is brought to you by Rick's Plumbing. Our good friend Rick gave him a little ad read here. He said he's actually doing a viral non-marketing campaign. So he's just doing no marketing, but I said fuck that. So if your life's in the shitter, call the biggest piece of shit on the planet, Rick. That tracks a lot. I changed that a little bit. His actual slogan is if your life is shit,

call Rick. Call Rick. I don't think that's that vastly different. Well, he just did. Wait, was that any different from what you just said? I said he was the biggest piece of shit. If your life's covered in shit, call me? Yeah.

Or hit me on hint. Or hit me on hint. me on call who you gonna call rick shitter okay this one's called uh mg and jay's untrustables okay uh is that where is that our yep it's gJ. Sounds better. But it sounds more like PB&J when I do it that way. Does it? I'm not privy to the order. I thought it was really cute that you said that

because Morgan said that for the first time today too. MG&J? I've never really heard that. He's like, is this the first time we've ever done this? And I was like, what? He's like, what do you say? JMJ? GMJ?

GMJ. Yeah. Which I like more, obviously. Yeah, I like more obviously yeah i like that it's like tmj locked well it's mostly because my name's first mostly because my name's first but yeah uh so this this is uh the uncrustables untrustables what are the most cheating girl items for them to wear that you can't trust the most cheating girl items like you know when they have those pattern pants oh you mean the big booty pants with the big booty pants yeah the pattern big booties is there science behind the pattern making the ass look bigger there's

gotta be because i know for a fact it's solid science i refuse to believe that they just figure that out it's very well studied science because some girls would have just a dumper in those things and they're like they don't actually have yeah, you can't trust it Yeah, it's untrustable. Well. Have you seen they put girls I still wear those do they that's like a call I was aware those sounds like a pattern when we were in college girls wore those I said it's a girlfriend He's like girls and so were those I don't even know anything No, I'm I haven't seen a girl wearing this in a long time except for my girlfriend

My girlfriend doesn't wear it. I don't see it, but do they still wear the patterns out asking. I haven't seen a girl wearing those in a long time. Except for my girlfriend. My girlfriend doesn't wear it. I don't see it. But do they still wear the patterns out there? I've seen them. Okay, let me put it this way. I wouldn't have a girlfriend of girls who wore those. If you waddle on down to OB, you'll see them out and about. Oh, those are wooks.

Yeah, but they're juiced up wooks. Okay. Okay, so the question is what's the most... That was just a joke, babe. Telltale sign she's about that ho shit based off what she's wearing? No, no, just you can't... Like, if you see it and it looks good because of this, it's probably not actually that good.

Oh, cheating. Yeah, cheating. Not like cheating on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's cheating? Okay, yeah, the pattern pants are a huge one. Oh, what's cheating to wear? Yeah, it's like you see them in that and you're like,

oh, she's got a fat ass, and you're like, no, it's the pattern pants. Well, yoga pants are up there, obviously. Up to the belly button. Yeah, the high-waisted yoga hitters. Yep. Because you can't tell where the ass ends or begins. So it looks much larger. Well, they put elastic in some of the butt cracks on those.

Have you seen that? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. When they're like not on, they're like all folded up. Yeah, what the fuck? They upgraded every fucking thing. It rides so hard up the cheeks. That's crazy, rides. Oh, yeah. When they're like not on, they're like all folded up. Yeah, what the fuck? They're so fucking elastic. Yeah, they're upgraded every fucking time. It rides so hard up the cheeks. That's crazy, dude.

I saw a tutorial on TikTok of a girl showing you how to make your ass look bigger and fucking... Oh, yeah. I watched the whole thing, too. It's fascinating. You know all the tricks. It was fascinating. Anything like high-waisted is a cheat code. Because it looks like the top of your ass is where the underwear begins, right?

Or ends. So if they're wearing like a super high-waisted bikini... Yeah. It looks like the top of your ass is where the underwear begins, right? Or ends. So they're wearing like a super high waisted bikini. Yeah. It looks like. Oh, yeah. Those bikinis with the ones that come up like over the hips. Over the hips. Are they still doing that shit?

Yeah. Oh, those are. Those are the main ones. Yeah. Those are still the main ones. So then the ass looks like it starts at the bottom of your back. It's all ass. It's upper back is just all ass.

Yeah. So even if you just have a hunch, it looks like an ass. You have like a little, little something. Have you seen the fucking, uh, the man thong bikinis where your dick goes? So it's like a, it's like a bikini,

a G string, but your dick like tucks up and to the right, like in the, Oh, like to hide it. Yeah, no, I have not.

It's legendary. I watched a whole tutorial on cock pocket, cock pocket, cock pocket. This episode is brought to you by Cockpockets There's gotta be a business called that Yeah There is

Well there is now It's whatever you were on Yeah But most you're cheating I'm just being honest One for me It doesn't have to be butt Yeah it doesn't have to be butt

It could be anything I mean push up bras are not fair Yeah I was gonna say Just titties out Yeah titties out Or just a low cut shirt Yeah If I see any

highlight on the tip of your nose that's um you're not hot actually i think you ever see it yeah like a chick that like they get caught in like a flash photo and you're like you can see the whole fucking you can see all the shit oh yeah the shit pop up looks like a fucking globe you can see all the you can see all the comments no you know you know those maps where it's like red when it's super high it's like based on the like a title elevation map so like topographical it looks like that yes yeah we're onto your shit nice i don't even know how many women's clothing i can name i was gonna think corsets are also a cheater one my favorite thing is when a girl pulls out a shirt like which shirt do you like better and it neither of them would ever constitute as a shirt they both are which which string of clothing you like they're like i'm like is there a tutorial that comes with when

you buy that because like what is what that's they have tutorials for everything when you're shopping at the store like you look at that and you think that's instantly a shirt it's like a fucking strap yeah do they have qr codes to tick tock it's like a few strings with a little that's true yeah literally oh they actually do yeah that's genius because they're upgrading i thought we had a market there going on do they actually have that or you just said that um i think it's like in the middle there okay that's fair it's like definitely could be a thing right well i could see either way we should should institute. Another invention? Yeah.

How many inventions do you think we've made in kitchens? I mean, made zero. Thought of a billion. Over our entire career. I just saw one for an idea for like a top golf, but instead of golf, it's mowing. You just have like a big plot of land, and it's a bunch of grass,

and you come in there, and you rent one of those rideable mowers, and you just have like a big Plat of land and it's a bunch of grass and you come in there And you like rent one of those rideable mowers And you just like mow like a section of lawn And then they have like a beer spot You all come in and talk about your mowing That's actually fire I would do the fuck out of that What do you mean you'd do the fuck out of that

Do you imagine how fucking relaxing that would be Just to hop on a mower and just do like some baseball field diamond shit How tall is the grass Pretty tall I'd hope Mowing a lawn is low-key zen, unless your dad is forcing you to do it. Then it's not. If you're not pushing it.

Well, I've never ridden a mower. I only push. Okay, that's got to be kind of fun, right? Yeah, riding it. I mean, when I was forced to do it, I would throw in the headphones and then just try to make the best of it. And I found a sweet spot

where I could get over my dad bitching in my ear and find the peace in it. At 53 years old old I could see myself doing that coming to the little beer barn just sitting down with some guys and talking to the Wichita's pretty tall out there huh I hope I don't fucking do that that would be a good ass but if the grass is really good though yeah that would be a fucking time yeah I think about it I think about it what was the question i think we're good with that one okay all right what do you got okay more fan subs today yep they actually kind of bust off dude okay so um this one's preston in the woods if you completely forgot how to wipe how do you think you'd do it i don't think i would even cross my mind I think the word wipe would just give it away pretty much

I'd girlboss it I'd girlboss the shit out of it shove a tampon up there dude I'd just girlboss it shove a tampon up your ass every time you shit that's easy I'm not shitting and then when you shit next you just shit the tampon out

yeah what's that called toxic shock syndrome yeah just a little toxic shit syndrome yeah you might get that if you don't shit frequently but i i honestly think i would if i completely forgot about wiping i think i'd just not do it what do you think yeah i'd like to know who like the first person who thought they needed to do that was probably the the second person whoever saw someone i'd like to think it was after like the first person to look at somebody's asshole yeah like a heavy spell of diarrhea you're like okay this is literally

everywhere so they started wiping up they're like oh might as well wipe my actual asshole too and they're like wait we should probably do this more often i love how you broke that down that was really good actually yeah um but i don't think i think you'd figured it out in one try like it's not taking you multiple no i'm saying like scratch the toilet paper and everything do you think you'd even think of to do it yeah i think so it smells bad okay that's fair okay so let's put the toilet paper back in play. You're on the toilet, fucking amnesia. How much of like our brains... Do I remember I took a shit?

How much of it is it just like our brains being trained to say like that smells like shit though? Because people went like thousands of... It smells bad though. But they went like thousands of years without even noticing it. Well, the reason... Or deodorant or anything. They're like, that wasn't a bad smell before. Well, deodorant and stuff is different.

or anything they're like that didn't that wasn't a bad smell before well deodorant stuff is different but like shit and stuff like that that smells bad is because our body makes it smell bad to us because you know that for us yeah so i'm not munching on shit okay that makes sense but you could could you not survive off your own shit uh there's a couple of hoarder episodes of people doing that wait what you never seen that hoarder i'm pretty sure where we've never seen that hoarder episode but it's a shit oh this is like yeah she's a shit hoarder she makes like she's a shit oh she keeps all the shit did we not watch this together i think eating her own like shit soup and it's one of the best things you've ever seen in your life no that's she survived just yeah she she has like a bunch of it's hoarders so they're trying to clean out her house and

they're like what the fuck is this there's little tubs of stuff like filled to the brim with shit. And she's like, she's just like playing it off like nothing. And then like, are you eating this? And she's like, well, I've been doing it for like 30 years. I don't see the problem. And they're like, well, this is not okay. And then, so as they're like trying to clean it up, she's like, all right, well, if you guys are going to clean it all up, give me one more night. I'll clean it myself. Yeah. No, she's like, give me one more night. It hasn't hurt me this far i'm just gonna eat my last bowl of shit and then you guys come clean it up a little shit meal i think she had to get like uh put in a mental hospital though because they couldn't help

her yeah is that where they draw the line where you have to 51 50 if you eat your own shit yeah they definitely that's a line that's way past the line but yeah you think it's way past the line i think anything to do with your own shit yeah it's past the line if you're like wiping yourself with there was another guy on there who was just saving it he wasn't eating it but you just say okay that I can understand yeah he's just got he had like a shed why old filled with glass jar why is that I could see how somebody could get there like this is mine what am I gonna do yeah I'm keeping everything else that's true I'm just gonna flush I already pay taxes like why would I give

him my shit to yeah save it on why don why would I give them my shit, too? Yeah. Save it on water? I don't want to give the government my shit. No. They're tracking it. It's a conspiracy. Well, you remember that thing about Putin? That they said that he has people go and collect it after he shits so that no one can, like,

get it and get his DNA or anything? Wait, really? Yeah. I can see that. There's a story about that. So you're just his, like, shit cleaner. He's just, like, shit in a bucket and no one would really have to do any work he's at a festival and has to do in a porta potty you're just in there looking that's crazy he's like it was green

wait have you guys ever looked into how they filter the shit water after you flush it i don't want to it's pretty fucked up dude it like it it's not very it doesn't seem like sound science well no i i hope it is the other it has to be to some extent, but it just seems like it Well, I'm pretty sure we don't do this shit water I'm pretty sure that goes out into like the ocean no cuz you can't just put a bunch of shit water in the earth Cuz it'll get in the no they I mean But the water that they eventually filter out doesn't just go back into our drinking supply it goes yeah They don't they don't put it. We don't go go and drink. It doesn't go to your faucet next.

You never know. It's true. We don't. We don't know. But yeah, it's weird. But anyways, shit talk. Shit talk. What else you got?

Let's see. Energy me up. Energy? You want some energy? Yeah, I need some energy. What's the best compliment you've gotten after munching coochie? You have a nice tongue. Thanks. You're dead serious? Yeah. You have a nice tongueie you have a nice tongue thanks you're dead serious yeah you have a nice tongue have a nice tongue yeah kind of

you know you don't yours is gridded like sandpaper 64 grid some girl said nice tongue to you very recently okay I'd say that's weird. Sick tongue, bro. That rips. Like Matt had been last night. You have a nice... Oh, you're doing weird shit with your girlfriend, dude. Yeah, that's good. I don't like it. That's good. I hate it. I don't think I've ever gotten one.

You've never gotten one? She was just like, thank God that's over every time. I put it in work. Are you done? Are you done yet yeah thanks maybe no i think i probably got a couple fist bumps from down low yeah you initiated a snorkel fist bump that you initiated or like a kiss oh yeah he's just holding his he's just down there this is sick right yeah dap me up dog compliments though yeah I feel like nice tongue bro is gotta take the cake

I don't think I have anything better than nice tongue bro. She didn't say bro. No she said bro. Like I think I've had one say do you know cursive? Oh like to try to teach you? Is that a thing? Cursive? Isn't that what I've never actually done this when when doing it but

they say this is like the guy thing you're supposed to spell the alphabet yeah it's not true yeah that just make a mess that's way too yeah i may or may not have stumbled it's time to make a mess i'm just throwing up i may or may not have stumbled across the box eating bible recently which is well no i'll send it to you guys it's a pdf it's like four pages long there's only two motions you got to do and i'll tell you guys later yeah because we don't know one of them's spitting right no ah there's a pancake in the tornado that's all you got to do okay pancake so it's kind of like skiing you got pizza french fry you got to guess it you got pizza french fry then you got pancake tornado no that's it wait there's a pancake in a tornado it's kind of like skiing. You got pizza, french fry. You guys can try to guess it. You got pizza, french fry, and then you got pancake tornado. No, that's it. Wait, there's a pancake and a tornado?

It's like skiing, Morg. Those are the two. Pizza, french fry. I don't know how to ski. Pizza, french fry, pancake tornado. Yeah, no, it is. Yeah. Yeah, there's only two motions you got to do.

Works like a charm. I can guess tornado. Circular? Yeah. Pancake? Mm-hmm. Just slap. Bigger circle. guess tornado circular yeah okay pancake just slap bigger circle yeah you just make your tongue completely flat and you don't you don't go up and down your tongue you just go up and down with your head yeah oh yeah i've been doing this for years yeah yeah just didn't even know it well clearly hasn't worked i call it i call it the neck roll and the twisty flippity i'm talking like like as flat as you can oh my tongue gets

flat i just go wide it looks like a piece of paper it gets so flat pancake or tornado okay what do we got next who's that oh shit that was uh stoned effy fuck you stoned effy actually they're probably nice i'll send you guys a pdf we'll post it on the stone def he sounds like a nice person all right this one's from sandy ky where's the worst place to get a boner Oh everywhere besides when you're getting late is pretty much say that I was thinking about this the other day when's last time you got like an in-public boner that you had to just like stuff down every fucking day I get carbon really a lot car boners yeah hangover car boners. Yeah. Hangover car boners.

I don't know why that gave me the chills. Well, Morg has some fun hangover car boner stories, actually. Yeah. I don't know what it is. It's because I always had to drive like two hours. And like you get, scientifically, you get more horny when you're hungover because your brain wants like dopamine. I'm just making shit up.

Yeah, I know. So what would you do? What would you do to resolve that? Just finish the drive, you know? Finish off the drive throw that bitch pull the e-brake but um wait what was the question yeah what was where's the worst place to get one where's the worst uh the morgue anything to do with public speaking when your mom's on your lap

that'd be fucking gnarly when you're telling I'm like speaking when you're telling Santa your Christmas presents you that I Actually had one of those like horrifying moments in high school where I would like got called up to the front of the class with a rager Really and like on the walk up. I'm just like Trying to pry it up into the waistband. Oh yeah one time. I fucking like crawled on the floor Because I was like at home. I was like seven or something. How old was I?

I don't think you were getting a boner at seven. I was like 11. But like I didn't want people to see it. So I like did like a fucking half crawl. Oh, yeah. It was massive. I've done some weird things. And that's less weird?

Well, it's either that or everybody thinks you have a boner. So they just think you're the crawl on the ground kid? Yeah. I'd rather be the crawl on the ground kid than the boner kid. That's true. I guess you could get rid of that. You could just stop crawling on the ground. You can't get a stop calling on the ground kid than the boner kid it's true i guess you could get rid of that you could just stop crawling on the ground you can't get stop calling yeah boner kid can't stop getting boners i think we should just make it like normalized boners young kids should normalize it well it's like free the nip how about free my hard

dick yeah young kids should band together on this one free my hard dick free you should have to have a boner when you're doing a public speaking in class like they just start chanting soft dick soft dick you're up there like okay so my presentation's on they're like where's your fucking cock change the fucking strategy to imagine everybody else with hard dicks it should be that's how you get a hard day it should be lame as fuck to not have a hard dick at all times be like oh you don't have a boner right now yeah what are you fucking gay yeah we're just sitting around playing 2K together, and I'm like, where the fuck's your boner at, dude? Fucking loser. If your controller's not perched up on a piece of pipe,

like, what are you doing? Yeah. How come you're not rearranging yourself every fucking 10 seconds? Do you guys see the video of the guy fucking beating off to the cheerleaders as a security guard? No. Oh, it's hilarious. He's facing, he's one of the guys on the field facing the crowd

and the cheerleaders are right next to him he's got his hand in his pocket just tugging no and everyone's just like yeah i feel like we've talked about this but what's the most risky risky beat you ever thrown in class yeah me too you threw one in class i threw one in class seventh grade english i'm in the back of the class it's a fuck i'm reading like the scarlet fucking what's that one letter? Yeah? So that one that one will be chubbed the word scarlet will get you kind of fucking chubbed up Yeah, same thing backseat like you remember backseat the bus never you had like assigned seats in high school Assigned seats in high school. Yeah, yeah, and you had like a desk partner, and she wasn't there one day and back row was pretty slim

Fucking pocket pool. pool rip that thing i was i was shooting fucking eight ball corner pocket or like when your girlfriend's fucking like in the bed next to your girlfriend but she's pissed at you yeah that's a risky one that's a tough one well you just got to keep distance yeah that's when you like they passed out or something and you're like fuck yeah well that's when you throw up. You pull up Pornhub, put it on quiet. That's when you throw the inevitable bathroom beat. Yeah. Uh-huh.

I've been a little more. My thing used to be before I realized that people knew you were picking your nose, I would cover my nose with my shirt, pull my arm in the sleeve, come from underneath and be picking my nose. That's almost grosser. It is, yeah. Than throwing an actual beat in public. And then I had someone be like,

you picking your nose? And I'm like, how the fuck did you know that? I'd rather have someone call me up for beating off. I'd be like, of course I'm not beating off, but if you're beating your nose. No, I'd be like,

of course I'm beating off. What are you talking about? And they're just like, respect. That's kind of weird, dude. I mean, yeah, I was a weird little kid, dude. What do you want?

What do you think about something? You think I got like this from being normal as shit? Some of the teachers we had in middle school and high school were like our age now. So of course I was slapping beats. No, there was hot teachers out there.

Not at our school. Castro Valley High? Name one. Castro Valley High, that was some... You gotta throw a beat right now to which teacher? No, there was one English teacher. But she was fine. Was there? on goad miss mcraynolds mcraynolds mcrayndance you're throwing mcrayndance okay that's a good one who is that one um sandy

kv for uh piss break real quick piss break all right ladies and gentlemen we're gonna take a quick break from the show from september is here and I want to take a second to talk to you about self-care. When it comes to making an impression, proper grooming is essential to looking and feeling your best when you walk in a room. That's why the sponsors of today's show, Manscaped, are committed to helping men around the world walk and talk with some swagger this season with the best grooming tools on the market. What voice are you doing? What is that? What is the voice? It's my Manscaped voice.

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and get right this fall with Manscaped. For the sleekest version of yourself, Manscaped has you covered from head to toe. Head to toe. Starting with their brand new, uh-oh beard heads trimmer beard hedge trimmer so remember that's 15 is it 20 percent off 20 shipping at the manscape.com code no fomo now we're back to the show all right what's the guy equivalent to girl math it's a guy equivalent to girl math? What's the guy equivalent to girl math?

So girl math is trying to just... I don't know, it's your question. Huh? Morg wrote this one. No, this isn't mine. I just had to ask him what girl math is. Yeah. I think... Well, girl math, for people that don't know,

is justifying any kind of bullshit purchase. You know, you're buying some dress for no reason, and we make it sound good. No, no, but give them an example. There's a really good example. so there the one that i saw was a girl was buying a dress for three weddings and the dress cost was like three hundred dollars so then they broke it down via girl math to it's a hundred dollars per wear because you're wearing it three times and then you're able to resell the dress for at least a hundred dollars so one of the wears is free because you're getting that money back.

So now it's basically already free because it costs $90 to rent a dress and you have to wear a dress to a wedding. So you only spend like $20. It's girl math. That's pretty good. I think the equivalent to guy math

would be... How much are condoms? Condoms? I love how you don't know well no let me cook on let me okay let me cook on this how much is like a three pack of condoms uh like $7.99 okay what are the odds you get a girl pregnant um high what are the odds you get a girl pregnant? High. What are the odds you get a girl pregnant? Like without one? Low, but more than you'd want.

Okay, so we'll call it 20%. Say you fuck 100 girls, you get one pregnant. That's low odds, but I like that. What's an abortion cost these days? Probably cheaper than 100 250 100 condoms that's fair that's guy math we just broke it down okay that's good that's good that works that works uh no but i feel like um like how many how many hours of video games you're allowed to play today based off how much you work today that's good like justifying that i was thinking more like along the same lines as him is like how much you spent to get laid

versus how much a prostitute would cost or how much a girlfriend would cost. Yeah. Like, oh, I, I had to take her on three dates. That's three dinners plus drinks after that's like 700 bucks. Call your local prostitutes like 200. Yeah. Okay. Jay. Well, that's why my dad wants to move to the Philippines. Yeah. No, I don't want to go here. It's not, it's not a personal thing. I was going to ask you a person, like not a personal, personal, not personal. No, I was

going to ask you a, I was saying it's not personal. Okay. It's not personal. I'm saying how close did you get to the math? When's the'm saying when's the last time? Three days. Come on. Oh, okay. I was trying to be, I was trying to be. Well. We're talking two cocktails. It's the two drinks and out move. That's called quick math.

Yeah. You can sometimes throw an appy in there if you got to work that in. Yeah. There's got to be more though. You could do it for anything. We're just making up what we want it to be. I kind of like his. Yeah, that was pretty highbrow shit right there.

Please don't post that on our Instagram. I'll think about it. Okay, if you want to post it, let me rephrase it like this. If you fuck the same girl a hundred times, how much is a hundred condoms? Exactly. That's $792. Yeah. Or an abortion's $250.

Yeah. So it's free. Yeah. This is basically free. Yeah, it's basically free. Exactly what I meant. Perfect. That's easy.

Easy. Next. Who was that one? I actually forgot to write the name on that. It's not me. I bet. I bet. I bet.

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I bet. I bet. I bet. I bet. I bet. I bet. As he asked, what's girl math right before? You're not slick, dude. It wasn't me, dude. We know it was you. It's all right. It's a good question, dude. It was a good question.

It was a great question. You want to take credit now? If it's a good question, you're allowed to own it. If we said that's piss, I would duck and cover. All right, Kiana, you actually, this girl sent like 15 questions. She's like, sorry, I need to do better. This is the girl we podied last week, right?

I think this is the Popsicle girl. Oh, oh no it's the the highlighter girl we destroyed her lighter yeah oh she was highlighted yeah all right what the fuck you got this time at least she didn't just take it and then run away she she came back with a vengeance yeah props for that but let's hear the question first okay okay oh yeah let's let's not give her props before they're due okay would you rather your girl be more athletic than you or run same arm saying like same arm same leg same arm same arm same arm that's hard to say i'd say more athletic but think about what goes into that though i wouldn't be she's more athletic than you she's a beast yeah no but no she doesn't have to be she can be like a really good at volleyball to be athletic very agile she's a really good at volleyball athletic very agile

She's a way to pick way to pick a sport that we'd be okay with yeah She's like if she could throw a football farther than you she's a beast Yeah, but we can define doesn't have to be we can define that let us if she's more athletic than you She's a beast. Why does she have to be a beast? She's got a run faster than you that's super hard to do No, she doesn't necessarily it It has to be to scale. No, more athletic than you. For someone smaller than you. Well, yeah, if she ran faster than you,

but she doesn't have to be fucking jacked for that. No, but it's to scale. Like someone could be more athletic. Like Allen Iverson was more athletic than Shaquille O'Neal, but who would fucking win in one-on-one? They're both guys, though. No, I'm saying, do you not? That's not the point.

It's not even worth breaking it down. Yeah, we're not even going to do this. Okay. It's clearly too easy. Morg said she's a beast, so there we got that angle do i want my girlfriend okay let's say she bodies you in the post would you want your girl to be six five two fifty or run same arm same leg same arm same leg yeah there we go easy she doesn't have to be six five i'm just saying like yeah she does we're just it doesn't have to be like versus we're saying like

alan iverson like like let's say you and your bro go out to shoot. Kobe Bryant is more athletic than Shaquille O'Neal. No, let's say like in this kind of way. You go out to shoot like hoops and she's just draining threes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's just better than you. That's not that bad. But I'm saying like those kinds. But in every sport.

She doesn't have to be a fucking linebacker. She doesn't have to fucking be able to run you over. Yeah, that wasn't the point I was trying to make. It was. It definitely was. It for sure was. But yeah, for the breeding stock, I was trying to make but it was For sure was But yeah for the breeding stock, I guess you got to go more athletic right for breeding stock I don't know if I'd be able to live with it though. That's that's what I'm saying

It's kind of like if we go bowling she just pulls like a 290 dude. I would eat away at me, dude Yeah, that would slow you with it. Think about how many hobbies you'd lose. You know how many bets you'd win fuck hobbies Oh, it would be nice to be sharked people. Yeah You know how many bets you'd win? Fuck hobbies Oh, it would be nice if you sharked people Yeah Oh Couples bowling?

They're like trying to talk shit playing pool Couples bowling? No, imagine your girl just comes up and bowls a fucking 280 You're like, okay, yeah, we beat everyone on earth Okay, bowling Now pretend you're shit for two fucking rounds And then we'll go beat everyone for a thousand bucks Yeah

Yeah, bowling would be legendary It would be like a Bonnie and Clyde But you just shark people at bowling But like getting your ass whipped and like ping pong but also i don't think bowling defines any sort of yeah that's not a great pick yeah who do you think you are i'm me i am like if she broke your ankles on a football field i'd have a tough time yeah like one-on-one routes she just fucking dices you on it but i think someone like to scale could be like athletic without being like physically like You could just dominate someone.

Athleticism and arm wrestling are different is what we're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she could beat you in arm wrestling. That's a beast. But if she was a little snaky little girl, she could still be a normal-sized human being. But if we're talking football, though, she'd have to be. But who says we're talking football? Well, I'm just saying if we are, that would suck.

Yeah, no. That's a toss-up it depends on the sport i just imagine if it's if it is that scenario she's more athletic than you you're out at like the beach with your friends like we're picking teams they pick her before you okay that would be a line see that would be that's tough dude like no that's a line i would draw in the sand yeah literally because that's what we mean here though no i'm no i don't think that's what we mean. I think we've got to go same arm, same leg then. I think I'd go same arm, same leg.

Same arm, same leg. And get her some lessons. She's never running anywhere. I'd be like, wait, don't rush her. Yeah. Don't rush her. She'll get here when she gets here. Like, if she was good at golf, I could cope.

She could have a thing, not all the things. Yeah. Yeah, that's fair. That's a good way to put it. Like, athletic would mean she's better at almost everything. Yeah. Yeah, no. fair. That's a good way to put it. Like, athletic would mean she's better at almost everything. Yeah, no. She's a better athlete. I'd rather be in a wheelchair.

Like, she's a five-star recruit. I'd rather her be in a wheelchair. Be easier to leave her. Yeah, I have to carry her around. There he is. That's a good one. It was better. I'm not going to give her full credit.

Keep coming with better stuff. No, thank you, Highlighter Girl. Yeah. Which is now your name for perpetuity. What is that name? I'm going to write it down as High. Keep coming with better stuff. No, thank you, highlighter girl. Yeah. Which is now your name for perpetuity. Yeah. What is that name I'm going to write down as highlighter girl? Kiana. Kiana?

Kiana is highlighter girl. Kiana James. All right. Aliens invade. You can only offer one drug as a peace treaty. Which one and why? Strooms. One drug as a peace treaty.

So, like, hey, hit this. It's going to be sick. Yeah, yeah. I think you've got to fuck them up because you don't know what they're up to, dude. They're fucking up. But if you fuck them up this it's gonna be sick yeah yeah i think you gotta fuck them up because you don't know what they're up to dude they're fucking but if you fuck them up it's gonna wear off then i give this guy you gotta do something no give them some molly they turn to the they start making out oh that would be my alien boy yeah you gave them some molly they would be like oh my god i'm so sorry we tried to eviscerate your entire species like we love you yeah you

can't give them something fucked but what if you give them dmt and then you're just gonna try and erase them while they're high on dmt they probably wouldn't even face them they're like this is how we live normally yeah this is my brain normally bud but if we give them molly and then they come down that laser's looking like real good no i think they would well you got to boys up with them while they're on the experience would resonate with them so heavily that they would just pack up and bounce no i think we got to circle back here you're just giving them bags baby because they're just going back and getting more. No, they're going to get aggressive and fuck you up

even harder. Yeah, they're going to get all hyped up, dude. You've never seen someone get aggressive on cocaine? Because he's not going to do a little bit. I think you gave me some, Molly. Have you ever seen someone get aggressive on cocaine? You've never seen someone get aggressive on cocaine? Think about it. You ever watch an episode of Cops? Well, besides Cops.

Yeah, not everyone does it. Yeah, sorry, when we're with our best friends in a kitchen they're not usually trying to fight each other all right that's one i think molly because here's the thing about molly no matter how bad the hangover is i always am down for more because i know how good it was when i did it yeah they'd want to do that again okay yeah that's that's a fair way to look at it i'm going molly i like a light amount so they for sure have a good time no let's fuck no i want them to i want them hugging me i want a little alien but i don't want having a bad trip imagine they have a bad trip there's no bad trip on molly you've you've

never taken too much no i have but here's the thing we come we come to the rescue all of a sudden we're the good guys hey bud relax i'm patting their back i'm sucking but he's but then they're also thinking like you did this to me i'm just like i was trying to show you good time you the one who wanted for moon. Yeah, why like well? I've been in the moon. Why are you being rock? Why are you being whack? Yeah? Okay, Molly to the aliens Molly Molly aliens, okay? Let's see Red and green flags for girls in bed Okay, let's start with red.

Teethy blowy. Teethy blowy? Have you ever had one of those? Yeah. It's called high school, my guy. I've had like an accidental scrape, but not a full-on teether. Oh, there's some jaws or scissors out there. They're leading with the teeth? There's some jaws or scissors

out there, yeah. Okay. It's just a constant it's not like they're biting it, but it's like a scrape Okay, which is bad If they whip out any sort of toys on the first one Mmm, like to use on you No, really either way like if it's the first experience like let me cook before you decide that you need something else Dude, that'd be kind of sick though You'd like that if I don't know it depends on what it is no it's it's what would you be okay with like a fucking

half torso she's like fuck this and me or i don't know okay well yeah okay no i'm talking like she whips well i'm saying something we're saying something for her she looks like a fat dildo or vibrate no you're like a torso would not be sick you're about to like she's like no just fuck that i know she's like line this up on my back and fucking double team for the gang. I can get a girl knowing what she likes. Not the first time. Yeah, I was going to say, I can get a girl knowing what she likes, but to whip it out on the first time, like, let me cook first.

Yeah, let me see how bad it is before you. Like, get a baseline before you whip out a fucking 10-inch vibrate. Like your genius pancake tongue. Yeah, let me show you the pancake. I've seen the fucking PDF, dude. What else? Red flags? pancake tongue yeah yeah let me show you the pancake i've seen the fucking pdf dude that's what red flags bite of super bitey kissing his ass oh yeah that's a that's well it depends like super bitey yeah like where it hurts shit breath is ass that shit fucks my shit up that depends on the situation that's not if you're coming home from the afters club you're just there's times when it's fair there's time you're just praying they don't smell yours you're like if hers is bad then we're good

queefing is kind of in the middle i mean it's not fun but i get it like queefing while you're while you're having sex yeah they hate when that happens well i'm sure it's like a little embarrassing i'm talking about like if they just queefed like you're like next to you should. Oh, should I watch this? That would be different. That would be a tough one. Green flags, green flags. I mean, anything.

Yeah, anything but the red flags. Yeah, just fucking busting out literally any move. Yeah. Like, suggest to go down. Yeah. Straight to reverse cowgirls, an extreme green flag. Sure. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, any sort of, like, anything anything I like any sort of initiation on their part, because like sometimes you're like trying to feel it out. You don't want to be weird. And then all of a sudden they're just like, do this. And I'm like, thank God. Yeah. Green flag is just almost everything. Being kind of weird to initiate on it dude dude that's fucking thinking about that for a second it's kind of that's fair i kind of get why they don't yeah think about that for a second that's kind of you gotta know yeah well i mean you can tell what's that thing but like just going after that meaty cock like the first time dude that's crazy bro cock's meaty

that's crazy like think about just going for like a fucking thick meaty boy like you're just like fucking i'm gonna do it that takes a lot of confidence to just whip out a fucking meaty? That's crazy. Like, think about just going for, like, a fucking thick meaty boy. Like, you're just like, fucking, I'm going to do it. That takes a lot of confidence to just whip out a fucking meaty cock. Am I tripping here? No, I mean, I think we're biased. Like, think about whipping out a fucking meaty cock, dude. I mean, in this scenario, if they whipped it out, you're pretty much, you know, you're good, right? I think they know enough that...

Like, if you just walk up to someone and start on doing their belt yeah i mean i think it's pretty well-known fact that like if they were to just whip it out like it's game on so like why wouldn't they initiate because we're the only ones who are a little bit timid it's probably not think about whipping out a fucking meaty cock bro that takes a lot of confidence you're saying like them grab going and grabbing think about taking a fucking man's meaty cock out of his pants dude. Well if you want to have sex with him that's the easiest way to make it very obvious. It's the same as a button in a girl's pants. Yeah, it scared me for a second.

I think taking down anyone's pants without like a... Without consent? Yeah. No, no, not without consent. Not just like some, like we've gotten there. Like in this scenario you've been making out with this dude. Like it's heating up, you guys are rubbing on each other I mean I would go for it yeah all right what was the question you had it who is that do we

get that that was Gabriela Bauer Gabby bows Gabby bows. Gabby bows. Fuck, marry, kill each other's moms. I pass. I'd marry Garrett's mom. She's basically my mom. Fuck Garrett's mom to death. Reviver. Marrier. That's it.

We did it. We did it. Clip it. That was it. You hit the trifecta. I've never heard that in my life. That's so easy. That was so easy. That's so easy.

I literally said I'll pass and you guys just fucking... Well, I mean, you lined yourself up for that one. Holy shit. That one was from Zane. My friends are good guys. I thought that was fun. That was from who, Zane? Yeah.

That's good. Fuck you guys. If you could remove one thing from existence, what would it be? Morgan. That's so easy, what would it be? Morgan. That's so easy, too. It's so easy. Oh, my God, dude. Give me a baton.

Give me a Zin. Fuck with me. Give me a Zin. Give me a Zin. These are sixes. I don't give a fuck. You know what I'm not eliminating? Sixes.

Six Zins. Eliminate one thing from existence. I'm not saying anything nice. Okay, hear me out on this. Let me cook on this. Yep. I'm not saying anything nice. Okay, hear me out on this. Let me cook on this. Yep. I'm going women. Because then there's not a conscious decision

to be gay, but I'd rather be gay, but genetically biologically, it's difficult for me. Really? Because women exist. I have to fight against it every day. But if women didn't exist, it's just me and the boys balling. Women's a good one. It it's just me and the boys balling women's a good one it's just balling with the boys we'd only last a generation but god damn would it be

a good one okay that would actually better than morgue no fuck morgan yeah yeah women are how dope is fuck could you imagine how crazy that would be i think i said morgan because he's like if a woman was a guy yeah, yeah He's like all the all the worst parts of a guy and all the worst parts of a woman combined Let's do it ultimate fucking shit show dude the world would burn if it was just all guys Do you don't think we'd bro out? I have a better view. I'm saying we'd all just fucking oh, I think we just bro out I think we'd have a couple of days to get out of our system if it just happened tomorrow Like we definitely have some bro days, and then we'd like chill out a little bit and just be if girls just disappear though I think we just all fucking just drink

Yeah, we just bro down. Yeah, I've got something on the tip of my tongue here We go not sure if I want to say it say it Starts with a B Billionaires. Okay. Billionaires? Mm-hmm. Reallocate the cash?

Yeah. Distribute to the less fortunate. Wait, are we for real here? Do I not look fucking free? Morg's so against that. They work so hard for their money. They deserve $800 billion. Do you guys not like Amazon?

Yeah. Does he need to have a trillion? There needs to be an incentive to? Yeah, does he need to have a trillion? There needs to be an incentive to do it. Does it need to be a trillion dollars? It's pretty sick See you can't do this one. Like a quarter of his life fortune would save like humanity All right, I'm sure they'd give a little bit to charity or something. For tax, right? For sure Okay, this is zinging Yeah, it's a zipper Are you tapping out?

I don't want to That would be the best one What was the time on that? That was minutes Two, maybe three Dude just tap out It's gonna be bad if you don't He's gonna choke you out if you don't tap

I don't charge Really intense You were so confident today too. I'm clipping that. We should keep a timer on all of the Zenzis thrown. Someone go back and map that out for us. The sixes are... They're different.

They're aggressive. There's no warm up. Okay, we're back. Garrett, are you okay? I'm fine. That's a record, though. All right, this one's from Josh Wilson. I think the last time we did that, I was pretty fucked up, so it didn't phase me like that.

That was intense. Did it light your mouth up? Oh, my God. As soon as I get one drop on my tongue, I'm like, oh, my God, I'm going to throw up. You need to put it in the bottom, dude, so it doesn't drizzle all over your mouth oh my bottom gum says my bottom gums are shorter so it's not how it says it says it on the can do it in the top why cuz that's how you're supposed to do it if you're an adult but

he's not an adult neither you apparently you know I like him on the bottom all right dude you are a power bottom I'll take it all right you're only allowed to drink on one holiday for the year which one are you choosing that's tough I feel like it's subjective there's so many good you eliminate name a holiday and it's tough to eliminate

I feel like for some families they do like the big family thing on certain ones and then smaller families you're talking like christmas thanksgiving i can give you a good argument for drinking on christmas thanksgiving yeah that's tough because we spend christmases together yeah what am i gonna do get rid of that that's that's prime saying if you have to get rid of drinking on one you can't you can only drink on one holiday so like in one of these scenarios... I wouldn't go Christmas. Christmas is good enough on its own where I wouldn't need to drink.

Do I drink? I don't need to be that lit on Christmas. I can't do it sober, though. I think Thanksgiving takes the cake. Thanksgiving? Getting drunk and eating that smorgasbord of... Over Fourth of July? Halloween?

Halloween? Fuck. New Year's? You're going to do a sober New Year's? Well, I thought we were talking, like like family scenarios you have to drink on. He just said holidays. That's what I'm saying. This is a tough one, dude. Okay, so what?

Yeah, 4th of July, Halloween, New Year's. 4th of July is a full day thing. I don't know if I could do that. It's got to be Halloween, New Year's, or 4th. I don't know if I love 4th of July that much. Think about how much you don't. If you don't love it that much, imagine it sober. Here's a better question.

What do you think is the biggest party night of the year halloween halloween or new year's yeah it's halloween or new year's not fourth of july halloween but i'm saying fourth of july because it's a day like i hate day drinking so i'm out on that no halloween fucks harder than new year's but i could make it through a night yeah i can make it through halloween's probably the most fun night of the year yeah it's gotta be you put it on a good weekend but i could get jazzed up on just costumes yeah new year's is lit but i would i could also Yeah, I can make it through a night. Halloween's probably the most fun night of the year. Yeah, it's gotta be. You put it on a good weekend. But I could get jazzed up on just costumes. New Year's is lit, but I could also not be mad about not being hungover on the first.

I think Halloween takes its toll. It'd be easier to start the resis. Have you guys ever done one of those? Yeah, I do them every year. Do you really? Yeah. Do you remember your last one? Two years ago, it was I'm not returning my shopping cart anymore.

So yours are just horrible. I'm over that shit. I like that. So yours are just... You did it. Yours are shit that you've been doing good that you want to stop doing. Well, I'm just done with the bullshit. Yeah.

That's like someone saying, like, I'm going to stop going to the gym. That's a good New Year's resolution. That's a good one. At least I came through. Most people quit by the 27th or whatever. Yeah, that's fair. It wasn't like February. I was like, okay, I'll return it.

You're not giving up on that one. Where do you put it? Just wherever I parked. Eat shit. You just put it next to the car? Yeah. I mean, I don't use a shopping cart that often, like Costco only. That's fair.

I'm leaving it out there. I go in with a hand basket. So the place with the nicest signs in the world, please return it. Please help our members. Dude, no. Hire an autistic person

and have them go out there and shag them. I'm done. That's true. I'm creating jobs, you fuck. That's true. He is stimulating the economy.

But we don't want that increase those membership fees, dude. You're trying to take away jobs. We're trying to cut back membership fees, family. Membership fees for the fucking grocery store? For Costco, dude.

Costco, dude? I will gladly pay more. What would little Jimmy do without junk? If they said there was a premium membership where I don't have to return my shopping cart, like I could just throw it into the middle of the thing because I'm a premium Costco member, I'd pay for that.

They don't let them out in the fucking street. No, they have to train them up first. They have someone to follow them around like the first two weeks. They have a fucking GPS on them. Yeah. Yeah, they have the vest. Well, they always, they give them that at birth they give them a chip yeah they

check it like a dog I see where you're going what was the question where we're came there you'll never know where his carts going though yeah good luck you'll see it floating down the middle of the fucking street hitting your fucking like I was here yeah you'll get dinged on the fucking side of your I'll bring it home before I return it. I'll find a way to fit it in the back. I'll fold down the back seats before I return it. Yeah, like if someone was like, hey, you can't leave it there. I'll be like, all right, I'm keeping it.

I'm not. Didn't we used to do that in college? No car. You just fucking take the car home. I've done that at least once. Yeah. I've ridden down a hill. We live in places where they don't have the locks on them.

Remember, you ever been to a place that has the lock? Yeah, Walmart does that. You know you're in a bad neighborhood when it's got the lock yeah that's for sure could you imagine how many shopping carts you have to lose before you put the lock up seven you're just like oh there we got five left it has to be a fucking staggering amount doesn't it yeah it would have to be like there's hundreds like people are coming into the store and be like yo we ran out of fucking i mean there was a ralph's executive meeting where they're like, look, in these specific neighborhoods, we've lost 10 carts a week each. They had to invent the technology.

$400,000 a year in shopping carts. They had to invent the technology for it. Literally. Can't you just fucking pick them up? I mean, that's a little harder. The wheel locks. They're kind of heavy. But you can just bust.

They don't get like fucking magneted to the ground. You can just like bust a wheelie on that bitch though, right? No, it's the back wheels. Yeah, it's the back. It's the back wheels. Bust a wheelie on that bitch though, right? No, it's the back wheels. Yeah, it's the back. It's the back wheels. Bust a frontie on that bitch. Yeah, frontie it up. It's harder, but yeah.

Yeah. That tracks. How worth it is it though? If you're homeless, you figure that shit out. I guess they probably figured out how to bust that thing. Yeah, it's got to just be a little like, it's like a little magnetic thing. I bet you go to any homeless person and be like, hey, how do you take the lock off a shopping cart?

They know how to do it. They're like, oh, you just pull out the wire in the back. I mean, there's cart? They know how to do it. They're like, oh, you just pull out the wire in the back. I mean, there's homeless people who know how to do it. You're like, oh, I know how to do this. They see you sleeping on the street. The cops come up to you and tell you how to do it. Yeah. Oh, that's a good question.

What do you think of play-by-play me a 24-hour period of a homeless person's day? A better question is what's the first things you're taught as a homeless person? Where to get the drugs. You're homeless and someone sees you struggling out there and like, all right, here's what you got to do. Heroin. Get yourself a 7-Up cup. And these are the corners you stand on.

They're the best change. No, I think the first tip would be start doing heroin. You won't give a fuck. I think you're already doing that. No, dude, I remember during COVID, like right when COVID was like bussing bussing i'm not kidding i'm not kidding i'm not joking like probably like a couple months into covid i saw a guy in like like clean shaven like he it was his first day being homeless setting up a brand new tent on the side of the road like in like nice clothes and And I was like, holy fuck.

I thought about it for a YouTube live or something. No, dude, it was in the middle of COVID. Do you think he was doing a YouTube live? That's fair. Have you guys seen they used to do this on TikTok? Homeless people would go live and be like, raise money for the fucking place to stay for tonight. Really? Yeah.

He would just sit there and be like, I need this. See, that's I mean, that's premium. It's called entrepreneurship. That's that's a smart homeless. No, it's an entrepreneur. It's not an entrepreneur. Yeah, he would just sit there and be like, I need this fucking... See, that's called... I mean, that's premium homeless. That's called entrepreneurship. That's a smart homeless guy. No, that's an entrepreneur. That's not a homeless guy. That's an entrepreneur. Yeah, he's not homeless.

But what do you think a 24-hour period looks like? 24-hour period? So, like... I think they're so vast. You wake up... Like, they lock the door on your house, and they're like, sorry, bud, and you got stuff on your back. No, I'm saying, like, the typical homeless person.

Oh, a typical day? Wake up, got to shit, shit in the tent. No, you don't shit in the tent. No, yeah. saying like the typical homeless person. Oh, typical day? Wake up, gotta shit, shit in the tent. No, you don't shit in the tent. There's shit streets. They do both. I don't think you're that dumb. You're just doing it in your own tent day one. Okay, I think if you have a tent, you're not shitting.

If I have a brand new Coleman, just picked it up at Big Five. You think you're shitting in the tent? That's where you live now. It's like shitting in your living room if you live in a house. That's why the streets are covered in shit. They shit on the street. You think that they're shitting in their... You think you're homeless and you're worried about someone seeing you shit?

You think day one you're shitting in your tent? You're lost. You just have the shit corner? Yeah, the piss corner? You deserve to be homeless. Oh my god. I'm just kidding. Never go homeless with Morg.

You deserve to be homeless for that. How do you'm just kidding. Never go homeless with Morg. You deserve to be homeless for that. How do you have that idea? There are smarter people out there. No, I thought they'd have like some sort of thing. I don't know. Like a bucket? Yeah. And they're just keeping it in there?

Yeah. No. No. It'd be kind of tough to rip a shit. You go down to fucking seventh and you drop a load. Yeah, that's fair. You've never seen a homeless person shitting in the middle of the fucking sidewalk? Well, usually they're hella homeless if they're doing that.

Like, they don't have a tent. Okay tent okay well they learned it on day one you think okay so this is where his line is drawn if you have a tent that's your space you get to do nice shit in your tent yeah like take a dump in private i mean yeah i might shit in my tent but i'd have a receptacle and i'd throw it on the street yeah yeah see that's what i meant no i think i think if like you're homeless and you shit in your tent like whoever set up next to you is like all All of us are gonna jump your ass if you shit on the sleep Street again Yeah, I think there's a there's there's a level of respect. You think there's a shit in a sleep There's a pecking order of sorts. There's gotta be like I think they all respect each other

They don't respect you the people that are out there by the fucking the place that gives away free cell phones to the homeless There's always a line of them like right next to the bus stop there's a guy there who like checks in with everybody and tells them like what's up for the week you think yeah you know i mean he's like hey just so you know this week they're giving out free soup down the road that's the guy with all the drugs though like everybody checks in with him yeah i saw a guy pull up in a fucking blacked out, like, it was 2019, 2020 at the time, like, brand new 2020 Mercedes, and just come out with, like, a manila envelope and just dish to all these people. Oh, every time when I'm driving past a pool? No, fucking drugs.

Oh, drugs. Right in front of me. Shit. Like, he was just, like, I think he was wearing a suit. He was dressed nice. Yeah. Oh, you see him all the time. like he was just just like i think he was wearing a suit he was dressed nice yeah oh you see he was just he was just dishing out fucking envelopes of drugs to these people that's gnarly yeah you see like the people dressed up in like nice gucci shit like sitting on a bucket

out there you're like that guy's not homeless he's just yeah setting up shop for the day you think if you're wearing gucci you're sitting up on a bucket out there yeah if you're slinging drugs to homeless people you probably i don't think you'd be on a bucket this guy did it right he pulled maybe he was up you lost the bucket he pulled out he was like sitting amongst the encampments on a bucket he's probably recruiting fake gucci fake gucci sure nicer but there you go he's probably recruiting whatever you need to make recruiting clients gorilla marketing door-to-door sales if you will um but i'm saying uh fourth of july still going halloween no i'm going halloween for sure costumes go different i know i would just be buzzed off the costumes itself no no i'm sorry you're gonna eat a snickers and dress up

like a sailor and have a good time i I'm going to go out and get my fucking candy, go home, do some pirate noises, and I'm good. That's got a point. I'm Halloween. I'm going to be fucking sugar high, dude. I don't need a drink. I don't need fucking alcohol. Fair enough. So next week, we're going to be homeless.

Next week's going to be on the street, so. Yeah. But we have a little deck now. we might be able to do like some outside. So it's like late evening, nice sunset. So the noise would drive Morgan insane, but true.

That's kind of what we'd love to do. But yeah, the next time you see us, we'll be moved in by Thursday, right? In the new crib. We'll be at the new crib. Just to talk to you guys in.

Yeah. We got a whole new crib just to yeah never chat not true yeah last night in the downtown dojo gang shit on god peace out motherfuckers