NO FOMO - 58. Don't Sweat it Sweetheart

Episode Date: September 15, 2023

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Ladies and gentlemen welcome back, back, back to the Monster Chicken FOMO Show. Now it's FOMO. Here's a good one, here's a good one. There's a judgment that has to be made. There's a judgment. What, if you got community service, what do you wish it could be? Community service is fucking trash, dude. But if you could pick, like, something to be your community service?

Bagging fucking vegetables for the poor. Vegetables? Is that an option? that's what mine was 20 hours what do you mean bagging vegetables for the so they make like they make just going around and bagging them up like every vegetable you see recording right now yeah so you go to like um i was like you go to like a church or something and they have uh they have like these little care packages for less fortunate people. And for us, it was just you put like a little a group of you were basically like an Amazon. I feel like that's a pretty chill thing to do. Oh, bro.

How many heads of lettuce can you put in a bag? It's better than picking up trash on the side of the freeway. You were probably indoors. Well, at least I get to worry if I'm on the freeway. Yeah. Dude, just putting fucking lettuce in a bag socks dude i mean i mean i can't say there's any good option but i would take uh if i just could come up with my own uh like mopping up the ones at a strip club after the dancer's done i don't think i don't oh if you

could make up yeah if you could make that i don't think that's an option i highly doubt that is enough if you can make one up. That would be a good one. You got that little push mop and you just scoop them up for them. I feel like being a drive-thru worker could be tolerable. Oh, like just having to do a job for a day? Yeah. Yeah, that's not community service. The people do that for a living.

That's a job. I could do a fucking minimum wage job. But you're serving the community for sure. Oh, no, I could drive like Uber for a day or something. Maybe you could be a drive-thru for the homeless. What would they pull up in? That's a good point. A homeless fast food worker?

Let's see. What else could be a good one? I watched a movie recently where the guy had to be the basketball coach for like a special ed basketball team. Oh, you watched that one? I thought that was the funniest concept for a movie. Wait, what movie is that? The one with Woody Harrelson, right? Yeah. Is it a comedy?

Yeah, it has to be. It's like a feel good. Is it old? No, it's Jewish. No, it just came out. Really? Yeah, it's Woody Harrelson. He's like a, isn't he like a professional coach or something?

Yeah, collegiate basketball coach. Yeah, he's like a big time coach something happens and he has to like get to dui service what is he doing taking that movie i don't know was it good was it good i think it did it did all right i feel like he's uh he's above so that just sounds like not a good movie i don't know yeah no i is that fucked up i don't know that just sounds ass no literally the first thing i said when i started watching it was imagine the meeting of the guy that pitched this movie yeah it was there i mean i think it's a it's a cute concept i guess all right here's how you get that movie through whoever you're pitching it to has like a downs kid yeah that's how it's literally just and they're like oh yes i mean i guess yeah i just i just didn't know the category of the's how it's literally just. And they're like, oh, yes. I mean, I guess. Yeah, I just I just didn't know the category of the movie.

Yeah. It's like a Hallmark almost like a Hallmark movie kind of category. But the writing, the funny parts for it's it's whoever does that's kind of fucked up because like one of his jokes is like, so how did it, you know, how did it happen? Like to the Down syndrome kid? Oh, God. Obviously, you know, like he was in like an accident. Yeah.

God. Yeah, that is that. So that's an aggressive play. Like he was in an accident? Oh, God. Yeah, that's an aggressive play. The person writing those jokes has Downs kids and has a good enough sense of humor to have those experiences in real life

and then make them. So he's immune. He's allowed to make them. Yes, that's the only way you're allowed to write those. From an outside perspective, you're like, is that fucked up? No, I think you need a dark motherfucker to fucking write those up.

It's one of the two. It's either a dark motherfucker. He could be darkly funny and also have an inside scoop he's like oh yeah my cousin is yeah you you want a diverse team to write those jokes you know like the shane gillis jokes in the special like he's he he gets away with a lot because he has like a cousin with downs or uncle in the special he has family with downs yeah in the special comedy special yeah it's good it's good have you seen it yet um no i haven't it fucking rips you should you should spend some time on that one that's worth it yeah i should spend some time outside maybe no that's an inside move you don't have to do that oh yeah or outside of the outside of the

cave outside of the garage yeah um other news lost my toenail yeah doing a good deed too yeah doing chores for morgue yep trying to keep macy happy that was chores for me yeah i appreciate that um let me ask you guys this it's completely i helped but my toenail didn't come off i don't know if i told you guys already how long do you think it takes for a toenail to grow back to grow back yeah i feel like depends on the size of the toe which toe big toe takes two three years yeah i feel like that could be accurate a year and a half minimum yeah yeah remember i had the bruised toe for fucking two years but is that not fucking think about how often you have to clip your toenails and it's gonna take me a year and a half for it to completely

grow back yeah but i guess like when when you clip them it really is only like a centimeter like next halloween i'll have a toenail not till you do a costume entirely based around your new it grows slower when you need it. Is that what it is? Yeah. Yeah, when it's an annoying-ass thing to have to do, it grows pretty quick. You don't need that one, so it's not, like, high demand. I was literally telling that to Macy, and she was like, oh, well, at least it's, like, almost the end of summer,

and you won't have to wear, like, flip-flops anymore. And I was like, well, next summer, it's still not going to be back. I'm going to have a fucking weird little, like, gripper on that. You're going to be ugged up next summer? Oh, we should have took that as the fucking alien picture in San Diego. Aliens found in San Diego. Just peel my other toes down. Just a little fucking penis toe.

Fucking toe. That's, I mean, yeah. Yeah. It looks better now that you can't pull it back. It's weird that it's already kind of like as hard as a toenail too. The skin just filled in for me. Really? It stepped up.

What happens when you keep it in water for too long does it get pruney there uh I'll try it yeah can we put it like normal skin under there no it's the weird skin yeah it's gotta be yeah it's weird it's like penis skin all the puss is already used out of it we're good at this point the puss is already used out of it yeah good I got all the puss okay is the pain gone yeah it's kind of got like a hard little coating on it now but not a a toenail. For a year and a half. Why do we grow the toenail ones? Because that's not for gripping shit.

Or picking shit. Used to be. I think it's just a leftover evolution thing. A monkey thing? It's like a tailbone. That's how you know evolution's real. Thanks. Because we have toenails.

Yeah. Yeah, we already knew that that was real. I'm not fully convinced, though. You're not fully convinced? What does that mean? He's like, he's on the borderline of believing you know we were placed here yeah or aliens or something like that well with the big bang you still have the miracle of the fucking gas at the beginning i i agree with that it's all something if you had no knowledge of it you didn't know that

religion was real or the science explanation i came to you with each of them you'd be like both those sound kind of bullshit yeah it's fair but i feel like evolution's been pretty heavily proven the evolution part i don't think has to do with the big bang i think that's sort of separatey did you see that fucking snake that had like the what did i see this was i could have sworn i sent you guys on instagram it has like a fucking tail that looks like a like a scorpion or something oh yeah it's like a moth or something right yeah the snorpion so a fucking birds fly down to try to like catch the bug on its tail and it fucking just then just eats the bird yeah that's evolution yeah there's definitely some evolution but even then like how how did it like like a snake sitting there thinking

like oh you know it'd be sick if I had a fucking yeah that's that's where it's like do we need to give more credit to how smart animals we think are dumb are like because there had to be one snake that was sitting there's like if i wiggle my tail maybe a bird will come and think it's a worm but then like how does it evolve to look like a bug is what i'm saying no it's because it's just one time it they're not choosing it's happening on accident and it works on accident so then they breed yeah, those breed heavier. But still then they're smart enough to be like, oh, that guy's got it. Like that guy's got the worm tail. I got to fuck him.

Yeah. Right. There's some, there's some level. I don't think they think that it's just those ones probably survive longer. And it's just, it's like if they're a solid matter of chance. Yeah. Okay. Then we're back to, it's kind of bullshit.

Yeah. It's like, it's like if there's an eagle that fucking only killed blonde haired kids and Then we all got that's a wild extravaganza All the blonde hair kids would die and then we'd be all fucking brown hair and then maybe somebody gets like fucking black hair and the Bigger eagles don't fucking like that's how I didn't even come near. Okay, that's yeah I'd see that technically yes evolution 101 do more welcome to evolution more the one who doesn't even come near me. Okay, that's, yeah. See, that's evolution 101, dude. Welcome to evolution. Morg, the one who doesn't even believe in it, just schooled us. Your child is going to have such a hard time understanding concepts when it comes to you. Oh, yeah.

If that's the way that you just decided. If you're like, dad, how does this happen? And you're like, okay, it's like blonde kids. Let me give you the most. There's blonde kids and they all get killed by eagles, right? The most abstract scenario possible to explain. Doesn't break it down into simpler terms, almost makes it harder. Maybe that's what makes me so smart, though.

Yeah, no. Definitely not. No one's claiming that. Straight A's over here, dude. And that's why we have toenails. Yes, you're welcome. Other news. We do, you don't.

Morg's mom was here. She was. And there was one part of it that I love. So she brought up, she obviously listens to all these. Love you, Carol. But she brought up how I always make jokes about her, like her tits. Or, you know, banging Morg's mom.

And I just want to set it clear that when I'm making those jokes, I am making them directly at her. They are meant as. We're aware she's going to hear it. It's not just like a normal like oh your mom joke it's carol yeah it's very specific yeah no she actually thinks you're trying to smash i'd hope so i'm pretty obvious about it if your friend smashes your mom are you mad if it's john yeah yeah if it's me if it uh i'd be pretty happy for my mom i mean she's if she's single yeah i mean yeah if my

i'd be amazed at my mom's riz because there's no way you're pulling her she's pulling you oh that's fair that's even more impressive yeah that's what i'm saying yeah she she locked that shit up she's like hey come over we'll have some fucking shots see that's why carol's always trying to get me drunk oh she's trying to get all of us Hey, come over. We'll have some fucking shots. See, that's why Carol's always trying to get me drunk. Ooh. She's trying to get all of us drunk. I feel like you guys booze during every activity you guys do when she's here.

Oh, my mom loves a shot for anything. Church shots now. That's so incredible. Oh, that's another thing that I did. Fucking went to church, dude. Oh, I forgot you guys went. I avoided that. I came downstairs when you guys were getting ready.

Tried to rope all of us into that. And then I backed out back you guys would have loved it dude okay so on the way i looked up the church for the directions and i was like i looked at the yelp reviews and there's like a one star or something no and i was like i did not know that you could rate churches one star how did you even think to look up the reviews it was just at the bottom of the direction when you like look oh yeah and it was like one star i was so excited because the one star was like about how they talked about money, like giving to the church longer than the actual actual message. So I'm in the car like, fuck, yeah, dude, this is going to be lit. I'm ready to spend. Yeah.

If you spend 20, you got your pocketbook. If you give me a 20 minute speech on why the church needs money for their $200,000 concert set up in there. I was ready to. You gave me those twenty five one dollar bills. I was ready to fucking make it rain.25 $1 bills I was ready to fucking make it rain at church motherfucker if you just started crumpling up ones and throwing them up on stage that might be an all time

move you go to church and you just start fucking making it rain and when you say preach preach motherfucker yes and they barely tried to take my money they didn't hound you they didn't pass around the fucking thing I was ready to toss it did they still pass around the thing yeah I've been to church like once oh they didn't even they didn't hound you they didn't pass around the fucking thing i was ready to toss it they still pass around the thing yeah is that in most churches i've been to church like once so i don't know i guess but i love the uh church talk because i

guess the bible talks about how you get whatever you give to the church god will make sure you get like tenfold back oh yeah and that's yeah that's proven to work right a hundred times i mean for me it's true dude because obviously you've given a dollar, you've gotten ten. Obviously in heaven, you'd still need money, right? Oh, God ain't free. Yeah. You're paying rent up there, dude. You think heaven's free? Yeah, you're paying rent.

How do they pay for the pearly gates? I could get into heaven and he'd be like, you gave zero dollars to the church, you have until the end of the month to come up with the... You gotta square up. Yeah. And you're fucking evicted to hell. Rent's due, motherfucker.

There's only one other option. And there's no... He doesn't do any extensions. No. You got it at the end of no grace period you're fucked yeah he starts the eviction process like as you get from heaven yeah can you get tossed out of that bitch i mean we will but i'm not sure i think once you're in can you get tossed out i think you're good but we'll find a way well that's how the devil the devil got out he was up in that bitch. Was he? Yeah, the devil was an angel.

But that whole thing is like he was... It was supposed to be like an amazing job that he gave him. Like, you're going to take care of the twisted souls or whatever, right? I forget. It wasn't meant to be a punishment. Like, you're going to go to hell and run hell. It was like, I need you, my boy, to run this for me. Yeah, he was supposed to be running Earth or it was like i need you my boy to run this for me yeah he was supposed to be running earth we know far too little to be on this subject

i need you to be a homie right now and take care of the people that are less uh less good yeah those sinners down there yeah but i did discover the new npc that i completely forgot about um the yeah right the whole time in the front row. That is the next level. Oh, at church. Yeah. I feel like church is probably the only, like, it's still not acceptable.

It's still annoying, but that's the one place where you can get away with it. Which is going full NPC mode. Yeah. Or you could say things, like if you're at like a comedy show or a play or a concert or something and you're just like yelling shit you get three audibles i

feel like three audible ones like that everyone like yes yes okay it's like heckling heckling with praise yeah yeah or even like that's so funny like yeah exactly like you're at a comedy show you get one of those then yeah and then you're just fucking that would throw my whole shit off i was just watching one of that one motherfucker who's not funny anymore. The pedophile one. Crystalia? Crystalia.

You don't think he's funny anymore? His last special was ass. Yeah, his special was ass, but his podcast is pretty funny. His podcast. I dabble once in a while. But he was doing a show, and some lady was yelling,

and he's like, hey, stop doing that. Everyone hates you. And she just kept doing it like i saw this could you imagine having that mindset of like oh like i'm being funny but like actually everyone just is hating you more and more yeah that's that's fucking insane like just going into it just you're just like there's there's always a drunk chick fucking yelling some bullshit that makes everybody in the crowd fucking irk too dude dude. Could you imagine if that was your girl?

Oh, chokeslam. It wouldn't be for long. Oh yeah, I would break up after that. That was the most embarrassing thing I've ever been through. You almost might need to take a girl to a comedy show within your first five dates to make sure they don't do that shit. Take them to someone that does the comedy that you like too.

Because if they just sit there quiet and hate it, you're like, all right, this ain't going to work. I'd expect someone to choke me out too. Like just right behind me, just sorry. And then you're like all right this ain't gonna work i'd expect someone to choke me out too like just right behind me just sorry and then you're out but for that to be me doing it i would have to actually be blacked out like if i had any conscious thought going on i would not be doing that i've gotten pretty chirpy at some of the open mics when i was oh yeah gary's actually the worst at this i forgot about that i was bumping everybody fucking super phony man he's like yelling out the punchlines as they're doing it.

That was on accident. That was fucking hilarious. That guy hated your whole soul. He wanted to murder me. I don't even know what I was thinking. I like, what did I just said the punchline, but I didn't know that's what it was going to be.

Yeah. Why did I say that? You thought it was like, Oh, I'm just being like, like you were trying to give him like a bad guess, but it was, but it was the,

okay. Yeah. You were trying to give an example of like, Oh, kind of thing and he was like no that's actually exactly and he's like have you seen me before and i was like no he's like you fucking heard that joke before and i was like no dude he's like fuck you man and i was like holy shit sorry fairly wait didn't he memorize your address too he said something about your id oh yeah because he was the guy who's checking our ids oh yeah and he was like that's why i memorized everyone's address oh yeah he was fucking low-key like oh he's pissed

i mean half those people i'm not convinced they are or i'm yeah not convinced they're not serial killers like yeah they could easily be oh yeah there's some fucking really that one fucking dude that guy's serial killer there's some weird talk like that the whole time and just does horrible pun jokes oh my god that guy was fucking he made me really scared honestly yeah that was that was some scary shit like one of the nights where we're one of like five people there too i'm just like no not yeah not today we don't have enough this is not the right character for this crowd folks the odds are not good if he pulls out a gun oh my new favorite thing on tiktok though is the comedians so they all record themselves like right even the smaller

ones but they'll put the laughs in there now oh they add it yeah track it yeah so it's good so they'll do like open mic night and then there's like five people there so they'll fucking if they deliver it well they'll just put fucking because they just have it they just have it recording them anyway right yeah no how did you catch on like that? I could just tell that it wasn't. I heard the joke. Well, from the, like, I could just hear the subtleties and, like, the background noise and, like, the laughs. Like the change in the background noise?

Yeah. That's corny as fuck. Yeah. That's such a good call, though. That's a huge play. That's a power move. I mean, if you're watching a stand-up bit on social media, you're not going to laugh if no one else is laughing.

It's so uncomfortable. I feel like you maybe maybe would but it's not as big of a reaction yeah who invented the fucking laugh track dude that uh how was it seinfeld maybe that's one of those possible like how the fuck what is that that's just shitty fucking tv that's actually reminding me actually no seinfeld was recorded in front of a live audience that's why was it yeah oh and they would do the laugh doing when in front of a live audience that's why was it? yeah oh and they would do the laugh when they stopped doing the live audience that's when they started

adding the laugh track there's too many shows that do that it's fucking crazy have you seen where they take out the laugh track for shows? oh my god

oh it's gotta be fucking horrible dude it's so scary they did it for friends and I was already convinced that's the worst show of all time it made me so fucking

oh it makes you upset I saw the big bang oh that show was ass solid that show was horrible they were doing it. It made me so fucking confident. Oh, it makes you upset. I saw the Big Bang Theory. Oh, that show was ass-salad. That show was horrible, too. They were doing it for the Big Bang Theory. Any show with a laugh track is terrible. The only good one there ever was was Two and a Half Men. Two and a Half Men's pretty good.

That was a good one. I don't know if I've ever seen that. I bet you haven't. But yeah, like cable sitcoms kill me. Yeah, I can't think. At least the ones, like cable sitcoms that i've seen that are good don't have a laugh track yeah like you can like a new girl new girl yeah did you say that yeah yeah did you say that that's your girl's good that's a good one i feel like there's like well like the office

obviously doesn't have a brooklyn 99s all right ish uh they've had some they have i've never watched like a full episode but i've seen some hilarious clips. Yeah, there's some good clips. Can we get The Office back, dude? I think they're making a new one. No, shut up. In Pakistan or something. It's like Pakistan Office. Oh, that's fire. Oh, there's an India office?

Yeah, they do them in all the other countries. That's got to be good, though. We've got to wait for them all to run through. Yeah. Does anyone even have whatever bullshit streaming service that's on? Paramount? No, but I bought on amazon all the seasons did you really oh you have that i need that login yeah dude i haven't i used to watch the office every single

night before bed like for like three straight years every single time i would go to bed it's goaded it's goaded yeah i but i end up watching like the same three seasons over and over again like two through two through four two yeah after like five it gets a little less good still good you think less good as soon as michael leaves it's just not really watchable that might not be till like six or seven yeah it's late but go like i i have never seen the what's his name once will ferrell ones those are you've never even seen them i just every time they come up i'm like skip skip skip that's fair or there's this one episode where i think they thought the show was going to be over

and they do like the whole episode is just like cut scenes like back to stuff that happens uh-huh it's like when the company gets bought by a different company or whatever it becomes the other thing with the old southern saber or whatever saber they do like this big cut scene one it drives me insane i can't fucking stand that one it's just like a mashup yeah it's like this guy asking toby he's like oh is there any moments where like oh yeah stuff happens and then he's just i remember that week week so um one of the other things i saw you guys seen the gillian keeve skit about the plane crashing no i've seen i think i've seen all those though which one is this one might be a new one okay so the there's a plane they like announced that it's gonna crash like both the engines are going down and he's sitting there and he's calling like everyone's calling

their loved ones and he's like hey is this rick at the auto body shop he's like fuck you bro you did a shit job i'm gonna come down there and beat your ass and everyone's like what the fuck and he's like dude i got 10 minutes left i'm gonna fucking call everyone i hate you know he's like try it and it made me think if i was gonna die and i knew it who would i hate enough to call like who would you who would you expend that on i don't know if i'd want to put that on air that's fair i don't know if i want to say that that's so fair who would i hate enough to call like if you, maybe even the person that you have the number for. I'd leave the rock a voicemail. Yeah, like someone that you don't even actually know, but you could just call them and be like, you fucking suck ass.

Yeah, I'd like to knock the rock down a peg as if you'd give a fuck about what I have to say. Yeah, just dial rock and just call it. I think it is. Yeah. 1-800-ROCKS. 1-800-ROCKS. Yeah, I can't. If we don't do someone we personally know i'm game for this

idea yeah yeah yeah that's a tough one that'd be a rough you guys don't want to go personal no i don't know if i want to rip that i don't know if there is anyone i hate i really just don't carry that much hate yeah i just don't but it would be fun to just unload like let it all out yeah i feel like i want to do that on just like the average person. Yeah. Exactly. Someone who just cut you off. Oh, just an innocent bystander. Yeah.

Can I just let out a newsletter to like the average person? Yeah. Anyone, anyone that just let out like basically a manifesto. Yeah. Like fuck everyone that drives when I'm on the road. Fuck everyone that goes to the grocery store. Yeah.

Grocery store. Get the fuck out of here. Fuck you. Airports. Fuck. And yeah, the fuck out. here. Fuck you. Airport's fucking figured the fuck out. Yeah, basically. Yes, your shoes need to come off. Yes, your laptop needs to come out of your bag you fucking half-breed.

Get TSA pre-check you fucking poor bitch. I don't have that either. You guys don't have that? It's not even expensive. I don't even think it's about money. It's like $100. I just haven't even taken the time to do it. Don't you like have to get interviewed at the airport? Yeah, you do have to go into the airport into you have to kind of time it out and you pass tsa pre-check yeah they ask you like three questions like where are you from are you a terrorist like yeah it's basically like are you a terrorist it's like no you don't even have to where are you from you

don't have to lie that hard you just just like not really you know yeah we should probably get that though is it like it's got to be hard to get declined from that right if you're if you look like us well allow it well middle name is ugly I think they probably got a couple there's another tier of questions they go down they've got another 52 question list for you yeah if you answer the first few right you're good those would have been some interesting meetings back then like you have to tell the workers to be like kind of fucked up you think i don't think you had to tell them i think they just have it in them everyone was on high alert yeah yeah

they you know what a guy who would do it looks like, you know? Mm-hmm. All right. You want to get it into some fun shit or what? Yeah, what do you got? You got fun shit? I got a couple fun things here. You got fun teens? All right.

Which of the following gets the most ass? Ventriloquist, dog food taster, fortune cookie writer, or male podcasters not the last one not that one fortune cookie writer could has an angle to do it like like i'll actually ventriloquist and fortune i was gonna say ventriloquist has some has some legs because with the fortune cookie you can if you know maybe you know who's gonna get the fortune cookie you could like write something like Oh, you're gonna fall in love with the six four thumbhead looking motherfucker if you're that morgue, you know, yeah Yeah, I feel like with the ventriloquist. So my angle would be like you make him like little you Riz up with the pup Aggressively like pervy. Yeah, you guys with but it's just the puppet. So he'll say some out-of-pocket shit like nice

yeah you is but it's just a puppet so he'll say some out-of-pocket shit like nice tips hey nice no ventriloquist fucks yeah that guy that guy if he does it well you bring that on the first date right or you have it with you just in case i think you have it in the car for the it's on your profile you pick her up oh yeah you have a clip of it on your profile first of all but i think you bring it in the car for like if you pick her up the drive home yeah yeah for after you start like you have to move it out oh how'd that For app. So you start ripping. Like you have to move it. Oh, how'd that get there? Oh, no, you have, what is it? You have it in the front seat when she gets in on the, when you pick her up, you think?

No. Well, I'm, I'm thinking, I guess if you pick her up, maybe. I'm saying like you see how it goes for it a little bit. And then if, if you're driving her home and you're like, Ooh, is she going to invite me in? You bust out the fucking puppet. Yeah. You have it in the trunk and then if you if you bring it up like this what i do during the date i don't know about going for the trunk well maybe you just yeah i don't know i don't know about going to the trunk with a girl in your car is a weird one be like oh i just gotta grab

something from the trunk real quick she's calling the police yeah no if you're like talking about and then if you pull out a ventriloquist puppet she's for sure calling no you're like i'm a ventriloquist she's like no way can you do it like and that's actually yeah that's the golden scenario yeah you said the shit on earth and no way is probably a one in a thousand reaction to you saying that oh you make balloon animals wow you actually busted that one out it was a good first date did you know about this what his balloon animal date it was a rip of a first date would you know about this? What? His balloon animal date? It was a rip of a first date. What'd you- oh you made balloon animals? Yeah, I had the set ready to go and then I popped on some like how-to videos. We made them together It's pretty cute. What the fuck? It's pretty cute. I've got riz dude. You did not get laid that night. I've got riz dude. You did not get laid that night.

Oh That's how you walk into the friend zone. No dude. That was it easy. It's such an easy transition It's like oh, I bet you I can't fold you up like this and this Like oh weird this one's shaped like a condom You just make the sword handle a little bit lower. You make a dick and balls. It's like a dick Yeah, you're like, what are you gonna do with that one? Let's see Start stroke, you know, it's fucking Let's see how close it looks to the real thing. If she starts stroking, you know it's fucking transition time.

Okay, here we go. Bring out some baby oil for the fucking... Have I given you the toy yet? Okay, if you had to pick which one to put the baby oil on, would it be the sword? All right, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to take a quick break from the show. September is here, and I want to take a second to talk to you about self-care. September is here, and I want to take a second to talk to you about self-care. When it comes to making an impression, proper grooming is essential to looking and feeling your best when you walk in a room.

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now we're back to the show so we're saying breaks there the ventriloquist gets the most ass i think so what was the second last two uh dog food taster no that one's got no that one No, that one's got no. That one's no. That one's a no. Yeah. But you come over and you're like, oh, what do you do for work? You can't even go out on a date. You're like, I'm full from work today. I taste dog food from work today.

You think they really? I mean, it was online. Is that a real job? It is. It has to be a job. Yeah. And I would love to see what their like writing is. Like, yeah, this one tastes like shit.

Has anyone ever? Oh oh you ate dog food recently what yeah i remember you ate some dog food recently when yeah i'd like to know i would like to fucking know this okay it's cool you're being all defensive for the people and stuff but i've never been to fit i would tell them straight up if i ate dog food okay i swear that was you oh i ate a uh begging strip recently oh see maybe it was oh it was garrett yeah thanks classic they're not good they're not you would expect that to be like the elite dog treat it wasn't good at all it's not real bacon well it's real meat everything's real yeah it was it thought it would at least somewhat taste like bacon it tastes like plastic yeah i mean i can't see it really

tasting that good well i would just love to see what they write yeah that's something to look at like okay do you either like the taste of dog food and get that job or your palate is comparable to a dog's to where you're like i don't really like it but i understand what dogs like yeah are they being objective they're like this fucks yeah they're like i could see a dog liking this or like give me another bowl yeah or they're like, I could see a dog liking this or like, give me another bowl. Yeah. Or they're like, I don't give a fuck if the dog likes it. I like it. Yeah. No, I think they're just addicted. Yeah. Wait, how do they know? Like if the human likes it, how do they know the dog's going to like it? Yeah. What is that? What does that input even giving you? You know, the guy you hire the right guy. I guess you could, you could go off if the person is like,

oh, this is fire. It's like, okay, a dog's definitely gonna like that. That's true. Yeah. But I feel like most of the time it can't be that is the scenario like i don't think like where what are the testing results coming out to because there's i don't think there's any dog food that we're just like oh hell yeah i'd have that look up a yellow see if there's a human review for dog food human review for dog food just human more like more look that up like like the amazon reviews for like kirina and see there's i bet you there's a person it's a bunch of terry the dog food taster and he has a fucking blog like this shit fucks that was our fucking internet on oh yeah our internet's off it's off yeah it's not working

why we don't know it's not working fuck yeah so um i'll review it do we have any i i have heard that the new the new one uh no free plugs the the hello fresh or whatever for the dogs what is it it's like oh it's like food like you could eat that one yeah it's like farmer's dog or something yeah it comes in like it looks like foodish it's like real food yeah yeah it's like real food yeah it's like hello fresh for dogs i think there was a thing with bodybuilder people eating that really oh because it has a dumb amount of fucking protein. It's probably way cheaper stupid amount of yeah Because it's just pure like there's no way it's ten bucks a meal for your dog to fucking eat that shit Yeah, if it is they're never getting it. Yeah, yeah, there's that much protein my dogs not getting it

Just the protein the price. Yeah, I need that protein There's probably people out there who, if it was $10, would still buy it and eat McDonald's for themselves. That's fair. I bet you there's people out there who spend more money on their dog's food than themselves. Oh, yeah, for sure. There's thousands of people.

Have you ever met someone who cooks meals for their dogs? That's half the reason I don't have a pet again. I was like well i want to make sure i can get it all the dang shit yeah all the dang shit yeah so you have to taste it to know if it's good and i have to eat it and i'm just not ready yet it's got to get john stanford or apparently i just ate it recently do you feed me it secretly and you never told me yeah what the fuck is up with this is he like a sleep you can't just fucking drop that it sounded kind of sinister didn't it he's like you did it right you don't remember i guess when that was you have you made me food recently yeah hey jay i made you something i made you a sweet meal you'll remember uh it'll come back to me for sure yeah um let's see here what's the appropriate uh what's the appropriate time frame for sending the first dick pic

i feel like we've i don't think every time i feel like every time we come up with the dick the dick pic questions come up it's like we just shouldn't i don't i don't think there's an ever a good time for an unprompted dick pic it would have to be it'd have to be a request and that would be the appropriate time i've yet to find a woman that's like yes fuck yeah i want that well of course you haven't have you seen your dick that's so weird it's not just dick pics it's just my dick pics yeah okay you're just not cut out for like honestly i think if a girl was like yeah send me one i don't think it ever got me a turn i'd still be hesitant i don't think it ever goes like that yeah i think if a girl asked me to if but imagine a girl like you're you're flirting with

this girl you've been on a few dates maybe you've fucked a few times whatever you're getting kind of serious and she's like goes away for like two weeks and she's like send me a dick pic i miss you you'd be like i mean i'd be i'd send that dick right over i'd be kind of fired up i'd be kind of fired up i'm firing that dick over yeah it would take me a while it would take me a while to get the right picture though it yeah it would it would take probably like four hours i'd probably do some googling it has to google some other ones get all the angles right methods for look up methods for what up what's up that's what i thought was the funniest part about euphoria when they're going through the guy's phone and he had a bunch of dick pics yeah well as a guy i get it yeah but putting them like next to stuff so you could

compare the size oh yeah he had them like held up next to things yeah it was like as big as an avion bottle or something oh yeah when people do that shit like see how tall people are they like use their phone in the picture and they like expand it up have you ever seen that oh they like try to calculate the height from the fuck yeah so like if you say i was taking a picture and someone wanted to see how tall i am and i'm holding the phone they'll look up the exact phone get the dimensions and then on the picture like photoshop how many phones oh how many phones tell you how tall you are is that like a hinge trick for when people lie about their height that's definitely a trick that the women use for sure dude low-key that would snap as your fucking profile picture if you fucking put yourself up to a tall thing like you had your actual height on there you just

like you have your baby wall of you growing up and it's just all the different check marks yeah yeah like look at how good i did that could rip or just like stacking a bunch of random objects being like i'm 15 water bottles high yeah if you could write in something else that besides a height yeah you could say i'm 17 iphones tall yeah eight decks of cards do the math do the math um i was putting together this little list of things and i you guys feel free to kind of just let me know what you think about it. It's kind of about things I hate and the things I like. Okay.

One of the things I have on the hate, the hate's a lot longer. Yeah. I hate when people put a photo on their story, and it blocks where you would normally press skip, and then you accidentally go to their profile. Oh, yeah, when they get crafty with it? That really bugs the shit out. I'll unfollow people for that. If they fill the whole screen so that you're you accidentally go to their profile oh yeah when they get crafty with it that really bugs the shit out like i'll unfollow people for that if they feel like the whole screen so that

you're tapping it's like dragged over to the right when you're usually thumbing that's a smart play what you never seen this no so you know when people post on their story the post that they just did yeah so they'll put they'll like drag it over to the right where you click your thumb to like skip through stories. So when you click it, it just instantly goes to their story. They're getting smarter. They're so smart. But I hate it.

I don't like when girls post like coming for you at Drake when they're like going to his concert. And they're like, I just imagine they're just like hoping like, oh, he's going to see this one and like be like, yo, come backstage or something. That's almost as bad as like the boys posting a Vegas ain't ready. Fuck. Yeah, exactly. Four white dudes and fucking. Four white dudes in fucking button ups saying Vegas ain't ready. Yes.

In the fucking most misfit. That's like, you know, I had to do it to him. Caliber fucking. Oh, we had to do it. I'm still posting that next time we go to Vegas. Oh, my God. Oh, it's not because it's not. Or you just say it's so ready for us. Vegas has never been more ready. fucking shit we had to do it i'm so posting that next time we go to vegas oh my god oh they're it's not it's because it's not or you just say it's so ready for us vegas has never been more

ready it's fucking ready vegas is fully built and prepared for us but they'll always it's like oh coming for you at diplo yeah like he's like he's gonna see him oh you've been tagged in a post should be like that should be coming for you at the two points of molly in my purse um this is okay this is one that i like it's kind of weird one uh when you're entering a code on a keypad and it makes cool pattern that's that feels good yeah it's like six digits it's like one two three one two three or something that feels good every time like yeah yeah you gotta design like your phone password to be like that for sure that's true mine's just one button i should switch it up. Oh, you're just all one?

Yeah. What? I can't tell you. I don't even know. Which button is it? I don't even need to ask. You have 10 tries, I'm pretty sure. No, you only get three, and I picked it strategically about that.

Like if it's number three, it's number four. So you're going to get locked out, right? You can start from the top or bottom and still not get it, I guess. Yeah, it's safe. You'd be locked up for sure they're gonna one one one one done disabled for one minute though and then i'm right back yeah if they keep going then i'm fucked um i don't like when people use feral or unhinged for something that's like a regular ass like they went out until like 12 p.m on like a work day or something yeah because feral at one point was it's very widely used now but it was at one point for like the most heinous of social crimes on the back oh we were so feral last night we stayed out on thursday till like 12 yeah you can't just throw that word around feral used to mean like

you better be in trash yeah i want to i want to see a video of you like slipping through a garbage can. Yeah. Feral's like doing ketamine off a stranger's ass at 6 a.m. That's feral. Yeah, you have to fall at least once to use that. Or we got a bag on a Wednesday. You got to like be hanging out with strangers doing strange drugs. Yeah.

You saw someone like do a ventriloquist act or something. Yeah, one of your buddies was coked out and did a ventriloquist act. You fucked a ventriloquist guy? Yeah. That one of your buddies was coked out and did a ventriloquist act you fucked a ventriloquist guy yeah that's so feral last night thank you you started watching fucking david blaine street magic vids with the boys i'm actually realizing from looking at these that i just need to stop looking at social media as much because these aren't things you encounter in your daily lives are they no they're not like outside things this is just me like i've been staring at my phone for two hours and i've seen enough like when's the last time you saw something in person that genuinely pissed you off or and it No, they're not like outside things. This is just me. Like I've been staring at my phone for two hours and I've seen enough

Like when's the last time you saw something in person that genuinely pissed you off or it wasn't from online today Like I feel like we just don't go outside enough. Yeah. Well, I don't know when we do we're just having a ball of a time I go outside. I just don't interact with the the populace. Yeah, I Went all the way the grocery store Two days ago and I was on so much adderall that i had so much anxiety that i just walked in and saw how crowded i was and walked right out fuck yeah i can get behind that that's how it's done i couldn't do it dude i was sweating profusely from my palms i was like i'm gonna be dropping things i couldn't i went and got a 7-eleven protein shake and that

was my lunch you just went full panic mode. I couldn't do it. You got to do a big meal before the Adderall. It's the cheat code. Yeah, I usually try to eat before, but I didn't have any food in the house. Yeah. So I went to go get it. So you took an Adderall to go to the grocery store effectively? No, no.

He's not used to eating. He needs to focus on it. Yeah. He can't read all the labels, all the nutrition facts quickly. Yeah. So that didn't go well. I don't, yeah, I don't think i'd like that i don't think i'd like going out in public with adderall in my system no it's designed driving no thanks no it's so so i don't mind it i just want to be doing better not mind a lot of

things i want to be doing something so much more stimulating than fucking just oh yeah i mean i would never choose to you're like traffic on stimulants holy fuck. Oh fucking kill yourself We've done that way too many times. Yeah, we'll do it on the drive to yeah I always take another half yeah, we're like driving in a car Oh, that's the best one it really starts to suck so you take more to me Yeah, well like we know we have a three-hour drive, but we'll take it right when we get in the car Yeah, just because we're so excited yeah, and then halfway you realize how much it sucks and you take more You take more you literally already know it's miserable but then you're kind of coming down

so you take more yeah those are the those are the worst times that you could ever yeah there's been a couple like five hour hitters coming down from adirondack traffic oh yeah driving well it's mostly la for us because we're going to something fun yeah and then the drive you're excited to be doing it and then you forget that there's a three-hour wait there's a waiting period it's like if we're it's like if we got to the club three hours before it opens every time and then yeah and then like all the activities you have to do like once you get there like oh fuck we gotta stop but we gotta stop to get food and then we gotta go to the grocery store and get alcohol and then i'm just like fucking kill me

oh i hate the fucking space and shit out on adderall. Yeah. I need to be, it's now. It's got to be right now. It's now or right fucker now. That's a good, that's a kind of a good question. What's the worst thing to do on all the drugs? What's the worst thing? I mean, Adderall is traffic for sure. Traffic or just. Coke is not having more Coke.

Like a waiting room on Adderall. Like you, you just. Hopefully no one's ever done that. I mean, there's people who just take it. Yeah, there's people who take it all day, every day. It's kind of crazy to me. That's kind of crazy to you? That is you.

Yeah, you are that. It's not me, dude. Five or six times a week, dude. How many milligrams are you on today? Huh? Today? Couple. Couple?

More than one. It's been a long week. A half, a half, and another half. Half of yesterday's half and tomorrow yeah he does math in halves so he doesn't realize how many fucking pills he took i legitimately thought you were telling him that you were out before we started that was like there's no way you got it two days ago bro yeah no we're never out but you're almost out no i'm not the amount of worry my mouth is dry as you get to the bottom of the bottle the bottom of the bottle fucking i'm gonna be fucked in two days sweats but i'm gonna still take a fucking four pills oh yeah hit me daddy it's the same thing as like getting to the end of a bag it's like well this dump isn't gonna be any smaller we're just gonna have to figure out how to get more okay best way to not get a second date audible fart wearing

crocs ordering warm milk paying with more than one gift card or being 511 that's that's fucking bullshit the last one i have research on i can give you stats and data. I've got a couple of data points. Unless you have some mathematics to the other ones, I think it's going to be that one. Because that has to be the reason for a couple situations. I mean, it's probably... Why else would I not have? You guys just bought that?

I'd say it's 511 plus whatever else you just said. Okay. There was the audible fart wearing Crocs ordering... What's audible fart? You can hear... Like you fart out loud. Oh. Okay. There was the audible fart wearing Crocs ordering. What's an audible fart? You can hear like you fart. Oh, audible. I was saying like audible. Oh, I got a fart.

Yeah. Like blue 60. Blue 60. An audible fart would be one for a girl for sure. Oh yeah. That's a good way to like lose a year long relationship. Dude, that would be probably one of the greatest moments of all time. Just.

You just like. Yeah, I think for a girl that would probably be like the worst thing you could have like go out about like people are talking about you as like oh yeah she farts okay genuinely though okay genuinely you had a nice dinner this is at the tail end and she just it doesn't get acknowledged but she fucking torches one but like she was she was great every all the boxes were checked it was 10 and you genuinely just she's just sitting there like a little uncomfortable for a second just and then just look like that and acts like it doesn't happen she's very embarrassed but that no one you don't mention it this is the smile you do right

here do you just wait do you do you call attention to it so she's not mortified i don't think that's how you make her not mortified. I'm going fist bump all day across the table. You just dap that up. I'm talking like so fucking loud and obvious. Like there's no way you can't acknowledge it. It's better if it's while talking. Like if she's trying to talk to cover it up and there's...

And then it stops. Like she didn't mean for it to be heard i think i'm rolling with that you're gonna fist bump i think it depends on how she handles it because there's an angle where like if you wanted to go on another date with her like she would be so mortified to ever see you again she would probably just ghost you yeah that might be like a double ender like there's i don't want to go on the date there are some girls that would be too embarrassed to ever show her face around you again dude that would be so fun yeah unless you just acknowledge it and you're like hey don't sweat it sweetheart and then just rip when you don't sweat it i'm good at dating

this guy's got i'm a goat if you got one in the chamber though that's the proper response oh just rip one yourself that'd be that's the that's the that's the best don't worry i got you and yeah but back but back to us wait yeah so is what audible fart audible fart wearing crocs ordering warm milk hang with more than one gift card okay those those are all so bad like if you whip out two chilies gift cards so yeah like that okay because like one gift card is okay, yeah, like he had a gift card that nah It's still not good. I think for a first date whipping out a gift card alone is pretty shitty you okay? I'll say that unless it's like a fire ass place where it's like hey this place is fire It's like you got the meal for two thing from Costco now that oh my god You gotta buy one get one group on I think I could play that one off

And you bring the cardboard thing like i would be like i would be before in the big like yes the fucking plastic packaging you have to ask the waiter for scissors to get it out no and you realize you didn't get it from the merchandise pickup at costco oh so you just have the fucking wrong thing yeah i could play my way out of that one though you just pre like make the jokes about it before yeah like be like yeah you're just like don't worry babe i got the gift card i feel like you i would bring that up in the text conversation when i ask her on the date no yeah yeah like as like a joke as a funny thing be like sweet we're going to fuck in this place i have two gift cards that i haven't used or

something no i'd never do that but i mean if they're already like into you that's one gift card if it's two if you have to hand it to them and be like hey this one has i think like six bucks left the other one should cover it oh no no no the worst part would be two using two gift cards and still not being enough to cover the meal and a card each one had less than ten dollars and you still have to drop like another 50 you pull out and you ask her to split the remainder you pull out some crumbs no that goes stupid you're going on the second date that would be no you pay for your half of the meal in gift cards. Yes, and she owes more of a balance. Yeah, that's good I'm just imagining it being short and you pulling out like a velcro wall Crumply ass ones in there and

Do you think there's anything worse than anything on that list that isn't like absurd because those are all honestly yeah I don't know like people do all of those things warm milk i'm just sure it's a little bit different is there anything worse because that's that's not you can't prep for that you can't you can't tell someone hey just so you know tonight i'm gonna be ordering warm milk yeah well i had my cold milk earlier this morning yeah because the only thing that would be very concerning the only thing that's even slightly like the the reason for warm milk is a drink is like i'm going to like it puts you to sleep is what i've is that even true i don't even know if it's true but that's even make warm so if i ordered it on a date there's no excuse i could give that would like i need my nightcap yeah you're like oh

i just don't want to be i don't want to be up all night i would probably just have to like if i needed it i would just lie and say it's some sort of cocktail and not let her try it like oh no that's it's on the secret menu it's on the chili secret menu or yeah that's how you play it off you you say like hey can i get the warm milk and then you say like i heard that's a cool drink here and then they actually bring out warm milk and you're like oh what the fuck i mean you're like oh it is cool yeah you. You're like, well, I guess I'll just drink it. I'm going to drink it because they brought it. I'm one of those people, like, if they brought me the wrong dish, I wouldn't even

say anything, you know? I'm just such a nice guy in my servers. And you fucking chug it. It's a microwave of white Russian. And you wear the mustache for the rest of the day. Damn, it's warm milk. It's like curdling on your fucking lips. Do you just microwave that shit, though? Yeah, there's no way. There's no other way to do it. Straight out of curdling on your fucking lips. Do you just microwave that shit though? Yeah. There's no way.

You get it straight from the spout. There's no other way to do it. Straight out of the tit. Milk a cow. Or a woman. Yeah. A female species with breasts. So I think, I think more than one gift card has to win. That's just, it's hilariously embarrassing. I think

ripping a fuck, I don't know if you're getting away with a fart. As a guy, you could get away away with it it would be lit to whip out whip out the two gift cards rip ass and walk out if the date's going poorly okay the real one with the fart though is as men we've come up with ways to make it like acceptable i mean i don't think what do you think that like because you know like you you fart and you're like what the fuck yeah like what is that they're fucking frog in here stepped on a barking spider yeah you have like because you know like you you fart you like what the fuck? Yeah, like what is that? Done a barking spider. Yeah, you have like all those lines like what's like the best one of those it was her What the fuck was that?

Gaslighter you fucking you yeah, oh it smells Smells exactly like what I just ate. Oh my god. Is it from from that bite i gave you just gaslight this shit out of her damn sweetheart doesn't smell like your salad that's weird but yeah that one's pretty bad that one's bad if you get through one do you get two how many farts do you get before is there anything is there i think if you get through one you can get through any yeah right yeah like if you could play it off for the first one you could just kind of is there anything that you are shocked you got away with in like the early dating phase like maybe dates first month or something just meet you name it like every joke i've ever any of those things like every joke i've ever yeah some foul jokes for

sure yeah we'll take some foul jokes uh oh this was a good one when i uh told this girl that i was interested we should pretend like we're uh cousins or brother and sister oh i remember you you put you wait what you used to pull this off uh so yeah so one time i was like hey we should pretend like we're brother and sister and i was like i was like and so i told her i was like hey go walk walk away for like 60 seconds and then come walk up to the group i walked up to this group of girls and I was like, Hey, have you seen my sister? Um, she's blonde wearing a white shirt, like whatever, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, no, I'm sorry. I haven't seen her. I'm like, you sure? Like, she's like this tall, whatever. And then she walks up and I was like, where the fuck did you go? And then I kissed her. Oh, I do remember. Yeah. That's good. I'm surprised that

worked. That's well, if she's down for it, that's, that's a fun gal. Yeah. I'm surprised. Well, I didn't tell her like I was going to out with you, and we hadn't done anything. Oh, you guys hadn't even kissed? No, we hadn't done anything. Okay. That's bolder, but I like it. Yeah. That's a good way to break the tension, you know?

Yeah, that works. I don't know if it's the best way to, but it's a way. Yeah. It worked. It was worth it for the reaction of the people. Yeah, they're like vomiting, falling over. Yeah, that's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one.

Outside of that, I mean, just follow that path after hearing that and just everything I've done. Yeah. Yeah. I can only imagine. Exactly. Where your imagination is going, I've done it. It's been done. I can't think of anything besides something I won't say. This is the whole reason you brought it up. You're just like, ahhh. Oh, we didn't even talk about the alien. I feel like we've talked so much about that shit. Well, I mean, okay. I just gotta say this. Did you see the video of the guy already debunking it? No. So they, because they put out x-rays of the skeleton with it And this guy who's like, I don't know, a bone scientist.

Mr. X-ray or something? Yeah, he's some sort of like paleontologist, whatever. He already broke down all the bones that they used. Like they pieced it together from different animals? Yeah, so he said the skull was a llama skull that they cut off the front and then flipped it around. Interesting. Cause they're like, basically their skull has those little,

like the eye hole in the nose. The divots in the back? Really? And then they used a femur for one leg, flipped upside down, and then a tibia for the other leg, flipped upside down. They just used two completely separate bones.

They just didn't even try at all. I'd love to see the profile picture for the bone scientist. It's just you? He presented this in front of Mexican Congress also, for the record. So, yeah, apparently also going along with that, this guy that did it, he's done, like, three separate, like, fake alien things. He's, like, tried to do this multiple times, and people know him. Like, there was people.

And they still let him, like, come into the middle. They still were like, yeah, go ahead, present your aliens. Jesus Christ. Like, as soon as the video came out, people were like, that's fucking Jose fucking Romero or whatever. And they pull up his, like, Wikipedia and it has, like, three fucking things of fake alien ships he's tried to pull. Well, and then didn't he try to claim it was recovered from, like, a craft at first? Well, he said they were a thousand years old. But I swear I saw something about there was, like, remains of a craft also.

Okay, if it was made out of taco shells I would have believed it more well well yeah so we touched on it we We touched on it. We touched on it. Do you want to cap it? I'm going to cap it. What do you think about a cap, boys? You're going to put a cap on it? I'm going to put a cap on it. You're going to put a cork in it?

Yeah. We'll catch you next week, you know? On God shit. On God.