No Such Thing As A Fish - 467: No Such Thing As Free Laundry
Episode Date: February 24, 2023On Anna's final day before maternity leave, She, Dan, James and Andrew tell some salacious stories from the last 9 years and listen to some of Anna's best bits. Visit nosuchthingasafish.com for new...s about live shows, merchandise and more episodes. Join Club Fish for ad-free episodes and exclusive bonus content at nosuchthingasafish.com/apple or nosuchthingasafish.com/patreon
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast coming
to you from the QI offices in Covent Garden.
My name is Dan Schreiber.
I am sitting here with Andrew Hunter Murray, Anna Tyshinski and James Harkin and once
again we have gathered round the microphones for this time for a very special, somewhat
sad episode.
Poignant.
Poignant episode.
A very, a very sad announcement that we have to make is that-
A happy announcement, no?
I think it's a happy announcement.
Is it?
It's very confusing.
Well, Anna Tyshinski is leaving the show.
So it's a-
I'm delighted.
Yeah.
I'm delighted.
Yeah, for nine months.
Temporarily.
Temporarily.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've been waiting for a while to think about what she's done and then she can come back.
And what specifically she's done is created a baby.
She has.
She's been collaborating on another project with another person.
It's very low effort, so much less work than the podcast and I hope that it continues
that way.
That it does.
Anyway, we thought we would commemorate this tragedy.
I think it's a tragedy that she's going.
Joyful news.
Joyful news.
Joyful.
That's obviously happy stuff.
Yeah.
That's not for the listener.
Not for Dan.
Not for me.
I honestly feel like I am secretly dying and no one's told me because the person who's
been leaving drinks tonight, people are going to Anna's leaving thing.
As someone who's been in this situation or a similar situation 12 months ago, metaphorically,
it's the end.
I'm going to be dead inside from now on, aren't I?
I'm afraid so.
Yeah, yeah.
You've gone for two weeks, though, on paternity.
Should we have done a missing- James is off.
Do the best of.
We should say that's what we're here to do.
We're here to commemorate our wonderful buddy, a very daffy word.
Can we say, celebrate, you know?
It's not sad occasion.
It's not eulogy.
Well, yeah.
So, we thought what we'd do is we would present our three favorite facts this time.
Not for it.
Sort of get used to the idea that she's not here and share with you some of the greatest
moments that she's had over the last nine years of fish, nine years we've been doing
this.
Nine years.
It's coming up to it in March of this year.
We're on the brink.
So...
Oh, God, I'm going out.
Sorry.
You're coming back.
You're coming back in nine months and there's a very exciting roster of guests actually
presenting lined up to replace you.
So, you know.
Wow.
Let's not use the word replace.
Would you jump into a grave that quickly?
Sarah Pascoe?
They could jump into someone's grave.
Is that what you do?
Wait.
I don't think if you're replacing them, you climb into that coffin with them.
You're right.
That's the phrase.
Dance on their grave.
Jump into their bed.
What is it called?
Shoes.
Pick up their shoes.
Pick up their shoes.
Fill the dead man's shoes.
I wouldn't piss on their shoes if they were dead.
That's the phrase.
Is it?
No.
It's like...
I think it's maternity cover.
I think that's the one we were looking for.
They haven't even cleaned up the funeral meat yet.
She's not even cold.
She's not even cold.
I'm sorry.
They haven't cleaned up her funeral meats?
I think that's actually...
I think that's from Hamlet.
Oh, no, they...
No, it is.
There's a thing about funeral meats.
In the wedding, they reuse the stuff for Hamlet's dad's funeral for the wedding to Hamlet's
dad's brother.
Have you heard of cheesy funeral potatoes?
Sounds yummy, though.
It's a thing they do in Utah, I think.
Okay.
And it's basically potatoes, cream, cheese, and cornflakes all together.
Oh, right.
And it's what you have in funerals.
And the idea is that it's the kind of thing that a typical funeral meat is.
Something that a typical Utah family, a typical Mormon family would have in the larder.
And everyone would have these four or five different things.
I think chicken soup is one of them as well.
But you put them all together and it's like the meal that you have at a funeral.
Really?
Hold on.
You don't mix a chicken soup with the...
Yeah, I always do.
You just put it in the chicken soup.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then you put cornflakes on top.
Wow.
We're here basically to have your cheesy funeral potato meats.
Nice.
Lovely.
I think chicken soup is quite an incentive thing to have because that traditionally makes
you better.
But of course at a funeral, it's too late for that, isn't it?
Absolutely right.
Sorry.
We've broken the format.
We're going to do our three favorite facts about Anna Tyshinski, each one of us presenting
it.
And why don't we start with you, James?
Okay.
Well, my fact this week is that in order to get into the United States, Anna Tyshinski
had to tell a fact about a dead president.
Oh.
I'm never allowed there again.
They let you in surprisingly, despite it.
They did.
Customs.
It was.
Or border control.
Yeah.
I actually can't remember the context where they made me say it.
Well.
We'd landed, hadn't we?
We'd landed.
So, we had to get a visa as something like people of exceptional talent or something
like that.
Yeah.
It was like we were Julia Roberts or something.
She wouldn't need one, of course, because she is American.
Yeah.
We were at the American embassy and we had to prove to them that we had exceptional
talent or they were exceptionally famous or something.
Yeah.
And the woman at the, at the window just said, notice this thing is a fish.
I never heard of you.
Yeah.
That's right.
Yeah.
And immediately we were on the back foot.
But anyway, eventually we managed to convince them that we should go to America and get
a visa to work there so that we could do our show.
But when we got to the passport control, the visa said that we were a comedy podcast.
And the guy said to you, Anna, as you walked up, he said, well, what do you do?
And you said, well, it's a kind of about facts.
And he said, well, tell me a fact then.
And the only thing you could think about was something about the murderer of a president.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The only thing I can usually think about is President Garfield's anus, but all the more
so when you're landing in the home of President Garfield.
Yeah.
So yeah, I told him that when President Garfield was assassinated, it was a slow process.
And he spent the last month of his life eating through his anus, which I'm sure you're all
familiar with.
If you remember episode one.
Yeah.
Second ever fact on the show.
How did he react?
The border control.
President Garfield.
Yeah.
There were a lot of funeral potatoes that week.
I think he did what most border control people do, which is be very unimpressed and slightly
threatening.
Like, okay, go on ahead then, man.
Wow.
Wow.
Which is the reaction I've always wanted to all of our podcast facts.
Yeah.
Do you know, weirdly, this, this fact about President Garfield was, I remember the exact
moment that you told me that fact.
I can remember the exact spot in the office.
Yeah, because we were trying, we were getting ready to do what was still a run through of
the show.
And we use that segment in the very first episode.
But I remember you had sent around your facts and your fact was about President Garfield.
And it was to do with the fact that he spent three months on his death bed and they tried
to cure him.
I can't remember your wording, but it wasn't great.
It was sort of like, we need, we need that.
Just quick note, Hannah.
That's what this is going to be.
This is an intervention.
What do you think about over the next nine months?
Don't be holding that in for nine years.
Yeah.
I've got a big list.
You can do this for everyone from episode one.
Yeah, yeah.
We're starting.
Let's, let's start.
Episode one.
Okay.
It's surprising.
Is there any other way of expressing it?
And you literally in a beat said, you went, oh, what about this for the last three months
of his life?
He ate everything through his anus.
And I remember genuinely, it was a bit of a thunderbolt kind of like, oh my God, we're
going to have a hit on our hands.
It was just so beautifully crafted.
Yeah.
I really felt it.
I'm just telling the origin story here.
It was strange inspirational moment.
I don't think a lot of great inventors could emphasize with that moment being the one.
Thunderbolt.
And that's why we were so nearly called the President Garfield anus cast.
Well, such a shame that we changed the name.
To be honest, when we were thinking of our first book, James and I, when we were brainstorming
ideas for the title, the President's Anus.
I remember the President's Anus coming up quite a bit being tossed about.
It feels like it feels like the beginning of a title, the President's Anus.
It feels like it should be the President's Anus is missing or something.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But one of my favorite things of that tour.
So we did a big, it was our first ever American tour.
First and only American tour.
Pull yourself back from saying a big American tour because it was five days.
Well, for us, it was super exciting.
We were up on Times Square.
We got to play New York.
We stayed in the Watergate Hotel where they had, like, remember they had the pencils,
like please steal this pencil and stuff like that.
And the room keys.
And the room keys.
That I was stolen from the Watergate Hotel.
That's right.
Yeah.
All the light bulbs.
And pillows I brought home.
And those documents from the White House.
Yeah.
But my favorite thing of all was when we were staying in New York and I just remember seeing
Anna one morning and her looking unbelievably abused because she was holding a bill in
her hand for a basic bit of laundry that she had sent to the hotel.
My God.
Which came to $240.
It was more than that.
It was more than that.
I think it was like $400.
Oh my God.
And I thought it was complimentary.
I just, I don't know.
I just put a bag outside your door, didn't they, with laundry written on it?
Yeah.
Just shove it in.
You just put stuff in?
I don't know.
We always send premier ins when we're in the UK.
We're not used to this.
So yeah, I tossed all my clothes from the whole tour in.
You had enough clothes.
You didn't really need it all done.
Absolutely not when we were going home the next day.
Sometimes it's lovely to get home with a fresh case of clothes.
It feels incredible.
You just...
Anyway, so we made a loss on that tour, didn't we?
Yeah, we did.
I should say, just to make you think kindly of these people, you're stuck with the next
nine months, that they agreed that that could be split that loss over the whole tour group,
rather than just me taking it.
Did we?
Yeah, yeah.
And I think...
Yeah, sorry about that.
I think the tour pretty much dead on broke even.
Yeah, right.
But we would have been in the black if it had...
I owe you all £100.
Yeah, yeah.
I think, no, I think I didn't pipe up because when I went back to England, I bought so many
books that might overweight money allowance with something like a thousand dollars or
something.
It was ridiculous.
We didn't take the hit for that though, did we?
I think you might have done.
I think we might have done, yeah.
Well, if I'm going to take the laundry hit, I thought...
Andy, we should have gone for the huckers and the cocaine like we said.
I only ate one meal a day in America, so I was so concerned about making a loss.
We made him walk all the way from Boston to New York.
I took one pair of pants and I wore it inside, outside, back to front, upside down.
I know I was on tour with, you know, Elton John.
Yeah, so sorry about that.
Wow.
But yeah, didn't get evicted from the country.
No, what's the call when you get evicted?
Deported.
Deported.
Didn't get deported for talking about presidential assassination, so actually helped us get in.
So if you are trying to get into America, give it a go.
Yeah.
Well, the point of this show, I think, is that we're going to play some of Anna's best
bits.
It's a very short show.
It should be a very short show.
So let's do a little bit now beginning with President Garfield's, Anna's.
Stop the podcast.
Stop the podcast.
Hey, everyone.
This week's episode of Fish is sponsored by Gusto.
Yes, Gusto give you everything you need to create fabulous home cooked meals with Gusto.
That's right.
And there are over 250 recipes every month to pick from.
This means if like me, you have a family with three young children who are the fussiest
eaters in the world, you can sit down with them and read the menus like their bedtime
stories at night and decide what will actually go into their bodies and they will eat it
and they will eat it with Gusto.
What will actually go into your body?
A shame that Gusto didn't call their business that, but it really is great, guys.
The ingredients are pre-proportioned.
That means zero food waste.
The ingredients are fresh, high quality.
And if you would like to try it yourself, you can get 60% of your first box and 25%
of all boxes for the next two months.
That's right.
So all you need to do is head to Gusto.
That's G-O-U-S-T-O.co.uk.
And if you use the offer code FISH, you're going to get 60% off your first box.
But then 25% off all remaining boxes for the next two months.
It's a fabulous offer.
So as Dan says, all you need to do is go to Gusto.
G-O-U-S-T-O.co.uk and wap in the offer code FISH.
Okay.
On with the show.
On with the podcast.
Okay.
Fact number two, Anna, this one's yours.
Yeah.
So for the last month of his life, US President James Garfield ate everything through his
anus.
We will get letters from 11 people here.
Yeah.
I mean, I wasn't there, but this is what the doctors tell me.
No, so James Garfield was, as everyone obviously knows, shot in July 1881 and he lived for
a further 80 days.
He was shot in the small, in the like small of his back and once in the arm.
So doctors now say he would have been out of hospital about two or three days later.
But obviously because medicine was not as quite as advanced as it is now.
In 1881, they just invited like dozens of doctors to his bedside who all prodded around trying
to find this bullet.
They didn't know where the bullet had gone in his body.
So they gathered around, prodded about, made him worse and worse.
He stopped being able to eat and obviously if you stop being able to consume food in
those days, they just shoved it up your arse.
And so that's what they did.
So does that work?
It does not work.
No.
It was widely discredited in the early 30s.
I think you get about an eighth of the nutrition from some of the food, but there's some food
that you can't absorb at all.
What I love is the list of foods that he was fed in his mother.
Beef, bouillon, egg yolks, milk.
Egg yolks.
Wait a second guys.
Egg yolks, it was only true for a while.
So I was reading the doctor at the time, his report on it.
So yeah, he was fed egg yolks for a bit of time and then all the surgeons complained that
it was causing annoying and offensive plateaus.
And so they ceased feeding him egg yolks.
So they stopped it because it was annoying there.
Not the other way around.
Guys, I'd be quite happy to eat an egg with my mouth.
That's alright by you guys.
Apparently it's illegal to move sheep in whales until they've been checked to see whether they
carry traces of the fallout from Chernobyl.
Really?
Yeah.
I have a question for you guys.
Oh yeah?
Why shouldn't you buy trousers from the northern Ukraine?
I don't know.
Why shouldn't you buy trousers from the northern Ukraine?
Chernobyl fallout.
Ladies and gentlemen, that is the joke.
Yeah, just so you know, just as a little inside bit of behind the scenes information here,
Anna has consistently for the last, what, 14 podcasts said that same joke and we've cut
it out every single episode.
You used to have it in the podcast.
This is a day.
And you will not hear it in this one either unless someone else said it.
It's the best joke ever.
Ambrose Pare, who was a famous doctor in the 15th century, saw a beggar in Paris who was
begging him for money and who did so by, I don't actually know if we can put this out,
it's so gross.
Who did so by, she begged by lifting her skirts to reveal a prolapsed rectum.
It was a horrid sight, he says.
It was over half a foot long, leaking pus like fluid over her legs and garments.
But his companion then attacked the woman and said, you're a big faker.
You don't look sick enough to have a prolapsed rectum.
You have to be pretty confident that you're right in that situation.
I know prolapsed rectums and that madame.
He beat this woman to the ground and eventually she was forced to reveal that it was actually
the prolapsed rectum of an ox that she put inside her own bosom.
It was actually a prolapsed rectum.
It was, it was a prolapsed rectum.
I bet he felt pretty silly then, didn't he?
That's not a human prolapsed rectum.
It was the prolapsed rectum of an ox.
Yeah, she'd put up her own bum though.
I think you've gone to the trouble of doing that.
I really think you've earned your 50 cents or whatever.
Definitely.
But the lifting of her skirts as well.
She could just have a sign saying, prolapsed rectum, please help.
Wait, so if you saw someone with a sign saying that, that's probably how she started.
And she's like, no one is buying this at all.
Except Andy.
I could show it to you, no need.
Absolutely believe you.
The thing is though, I would pay, I would pay 50p not to see a prolapsed rectum.
That is a fair point.
She should have done that.
We should move on.
When they were building the New York subway, the guys who were building it were called Sand Hogs
because they dug through lots of sand.
And I was reading a newspaper report from 1916 and it was about this guy called Marshall Mabee
who was working in the tunnel to dig the subway
and there was a pocket of compressed air which suddenly kind of escaped.
So he's got this big shield up in the tunnel in front of him
and they're using this shield to push forward and make the tunnel bigger.
And he said he saw an 18 inch pocket of air suddenly appear
and it sucked him towards it.
He was sucked into it.
He was blasted up through the ground.
So he was blasted up through 12 feet of river bed
and then blasted up through the river itself
and then hurled up 25 feet in the air above the river.
He wasn't grinding through earth, 12 feet of earth.
Yeah, that's what river bed's made of.
It's more plausible for him to be blasted through 12 feet of earth
and 12 feet of concrete or steel or whatever.
No, no, I was thinking was it just a tunnel?
Like it was a hole that he was blasted through
and just happened to be going through.
So here we go.
There's a whole interview with him and everything.
There's a nice interview with his wife saying,
hey, he's fine. He's looking forward to going back to work.
This is what the New York Times said at the time.
There's a pocket of compressed air
to prevent the river's bottom from caving in.
So they have some... I don't know how that works.
But somehow it happened, guys,
and this compressed air got loose
and he saw an 18 inch hole
and before he knew it, he was being sucked towards it.
Two of his colleagues actually also got sucked in
and they did perish.
He survived by blasting up,
putting his arm out in front of him
and blasting up through the river then.
12 feet of riverbed
and then got shot through and then out in the air.
Then there's enough force left over
and shot through the river itself
and then you had 25 feet.
25 feet?
The New York Times is a very record.
What year is it?
What date was this?
February 1916, all right.
Not April.
Yeah, it was a little bit insane.
But there you go.
There's a picture of the guy.
Pictures don't lie.
What, mid-flight?
Not mid-flight.
That's extraordinary.
Did you say that was in New York?
Yeah.
It was soft ground, so that's why they were called the sound.
Oh, well, if it was soft ground, I see, yeah.
It was still a riverbed, though, wasn't it?
25 feet after 12 beds of...
And a river.
I don't know how it possibly happened.
So there was a woman in South Korea recently
who was eating squid, so we all eat squid.
We call it calamari for reasons I don't understand.
But she was eating some boiled squid in a restaurant
and she suddenly felt a pain in her tongue
and it turned out the squid wasn't quite dead
and it was a male squid and it had deposited
its sperm packet into her tongue.
So she felt horrible pain in her tongue
and then felt lots of stuff crawling around inside her tongue
and had to go to hospital
and they took out a whole bunch of sperm
and apparently this does happen a bit,
like there's been reports in Japan of it happening.
That's so fucked up.
I will never fucking keep that shit again.
Oh, my God.
Fuck it now.
Fuck that.
Vegetarianism, here you come.
I don't think we've mentioned this before.
This year KFC have released a novel for the first time.
What?
It's a novel starring the Colonel
and it's a Mills and Boone style romance
and it's called Tender Wings of Desire.
He is a sexy man.
Well, we ascertained before we started
recording this podcast that you quite fancy Richard Nixon.
Oh, yeah.
How did we miss that when we got to that?
We didn't ascertain that. That's warping of the truth.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I find him not unattractive.
Given that, there was an incident.
But for Andy, that's pretty much someone saying you're attractive.
That's the best I can hope for these days.
I'm not physically repulsed by him.
Great, Dave.
He said in an interview that
something like, I know how I look.
I'm under no illusions about my appearance,
so I'll have to be good in other ways.
And I read that interview and I thought...
He is good in other ways, isn't he?
Lots of ways that Richard Nixon is a very good man.
What would you say?
What are your top five ways
when she's a great guy, Hannah?
When British author William Haslett died,
his landlady was so keen
to re-let his room
that she hid his body under the bed
while she showed new tenants around.
And he's still there under that bed, isn't he?
He's still there.
But he was a big deal
and people used to go
just to the Haslett Hotel
just because that's where he lived.
Seamus Heaney used to go there, obsessed with him,
and they would have meet-ups there
just to be able to be in the sort of presence
of the location of this great person
who everyone seems to have forgotten,
except it turns out you, Hannah...
I mean, he's a fake...
People know who William Haslett is,
but I did happen to take a book of his essays
on my gap here, which I know is...
I just told these guys backstage.
One of those guys was going to mention it,
so I'm going to get in there.
Which drug were you taking?
Where do you read them?
The essays themselves were my drug, James.
What am I on?
I'm on Chapter 3.
I mean, they didn't come in chapters, but whatever.
You know, in shopping centres
where the fish eat your dead skin?
I've had that once,
and all I could think while I was having it
was reincarnation
and just looking at the guy,
what the fuck did you do in your last life
that you have come back to eat my feet?
I had it once,
and I think I've told you guys this,
but I had it once in Cambodia,
and they had to ask me to take my feet
out of the pond, because you put your feet in
with, like, five other people,
and my feet are so disgusting
that they were all coming to my feet,
and no one else was getting their money's worth.
I actually...
There's a real, real, actually, low point
pride-wise for me.
OK, it's time for fact number two
about Anna Tyshinski,
and that is Andy.
Well, my fact is a crowdsourced fact.
Yeah.
So, as you know, there's a discord.
If you don't know discord,
it's a website where you chat about stuff.
Is that what it is?
Why did you bother explaining if you have no idea?
It's a forum. It's a forum to chat.
It's a forum to chat.
There is a fish discord, the fishcord,
and as part of
Anna's commemoration
episode.
Morning episode, I think, yeah.
Morning sickness.
Hey.
Dan, I think you...
Dan, you asked
for some of Anna's best bits.
Yeah.
And asked what listeners, you know,
fish fans wanted to hear again.
I mean, various bits. A compilation of
Anna saying her own surname
correctly. When do you say your own surname?
Yeah, I don't know if you can make a
compilation out of that.
You can certainly make a compilation of the evolution of my
pronunciation of your surname.
Yeah. A lot of people got quite sad
when you evolved from pronouncing it.
Well, as some people said wrongly,
Trzynski to Tyszynski.
Well, yeah, and I always say that it was a bit of a...
It was a bit unfair on me because
you were right here to tell me I was saying it wrong
for about six years, and no one did.
No one did. Your dad didn't,
your mum didn't. Any time any of your family
came to our show, no one would say,
no one would be able to pronounce the surname correctly.
No one said anything. And yours was a surname
that I specifically, if I would say,
like, next fact is James,
next fact is Andy. I would say, next fact,
Trzynski. I would always say your surname.
So it was always coming up.
But I think, do you remember them?
Oh, Larry really liked it, because then he had
the Schreiber and Trzynski cops,
maybe who were trying to find the president's
anus. New York cops. Yeah.
We got to get to the bottom of this big laundry bill.
Oh, nice.
What's your pronunciation?
I say Trzynski, but you can also say
Trzynski, or a lot of people do
say Trzynski, and it's weird
that people assume that's the way you could say it.
It's quite different starting with a chup.
You don't call it a charodactyl, do you?
I don't know, or a charmagon.
But I should say for actual Polish listeners
that it's Ptazinski, so you're supposed to say the p.
So I don't pronounce it right, either.
And I sort of should also be Ptazinska,
because I'm a girl.
Oh, no way.
I am.
What?
I don't remember this suggestion for a clip to play.
Episode 342,
no such thing as a presidential fight club.
Anna refers to a child as a wimp because he had asthma.
And that child, ladies and gentlemen,
grew up to be a podcaster, and drew her somewhere.
There's probably some context that I haven't seen
the reports of that myself,
and I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation,
but I'm going to refer it to a committee,
so you will investigate.
You'll end up being suspended for nine months.
It's perfect.
It's so funny what people remember.
One person wrote,
I can't remember which episode.
They've literally banked this in their head.
I can't remember which episode,
but Anna calling Matanus to Tunis,
mootie tootie,
lives rent free in my brain.
I can't remember that.
I don't remember this bit at all,
and neither does the person who said it.
I don't remember the episode,
but it was about some female animal drinking semen,
and Anna was like, yeah, relatable.
Sometimes the tap is just too far away.
Don't recall that.
Just a few times at uni,
and terrible hangovers.
As a cop by the bed, what are you going to do?
Fill me up love before you go?
But then do go.
You've had a lot of feedback
about your kind of quite
dirtyish potty mouth,
I would say.
I feel like I'm the least potty.
I think people just notice it more
when you do it.
I think that's it.
Everyday sexism.
Actually, there's a bit of a debate,
about you, Anna.
One person says,
if you go back and listen to the first year's episodes,
Anna is so restrained and polite in comparison,
and then she gets comfortable,
and the sarcasm starts to flow.
Someone has replied to that saying,
I'm on episode 39,
she has never been polite.
I think there is one episode,
I remember editing it,
where you're polite for about two thirds of the episode,
and then for the final third of the episode,
you just go completely off the rails.
That was the point of champagne before the show.
That wasn't the only one, one of our first live shows.
I think it might have been our actual first live show,
or maybe our second.
It was a Christmas one, and it was at Aces and Aces,
in North London.
And you can pinpoint
the exact second that the champagne hits.
What's confusing is that I'm sure
Dan and I drunk points of champagne for that,
and I also am sure that Dan
is more of a lightweight than I am.
But the difference is that Dan
is never coherent.
I can't tell.
Exactly, I'm bulletproof.
I'm drunk now, no one's noticed.
Episode 261,
Dan's talking about Scott of the Antarctic
taking two gramophones with him.
Anna, he was a fucking idiot, wasn't he?
You've got to stand by that.
It's not surprising you died.
You didn't take two gramophones.
Edmondson.
I hate saying that name so much.
I could never say it.
I know.
Amundson.
I don't know why I see it coming up in my head.
Is this how you feel down with all words?
Yeah, I do.
I see them coming up on the page,
and you've got to make a decision.
You're either going to try and pronounce it correctly,
get it wrong, and chicken out,
and get it wrong just for that,
or you've just got to run through it.
It reminds me, and I know this is a podcast
about Anna, but it does remind me
of the first audiobook that we did,
which was just after
you'd had your first baby and were very
short on sleep, and Dan
kept pronouncing the word January,
February.
Like six times.
We were like, Dan, you said February.
Can you just do it again?
February.
It was remarkable.
It was really something.
You had to change the whole article in the end,
didn't you? It was something that happened in February.
I used to love those books because they were the books of the year,
and it was like
things that happened between January and December that year.
Obviously, the book came out in November,
so it's usually January to September or October.
September, yeah.
But, and they used to always come in with things that happened
the previous year.
And Anna would be like, no, this was last year.
And he's like, yeah, but it was late 20...
Come on, it was December.
My reasoning here is that you're doing one of these books a year.
Each book has to have a 12 month
catchment area.
It's the book of not the calendar year,
but the school year
or the school year.
The financial year.
That's right, the school year. It started in September.
Everyone understands, otherwise you're knocking out a third
of your own material. Why didn't we name it the
book of the school year, actually?
I'm so honest.
The book of the financial year would have really
set those sales rocketing.
We got one last one, Andy.
Anna is among the 10%
of people who can lick their own nose.
What?
We did a...
She's doing it.
We did a fact about Buddha and how
Buddha could stick his tongue through
into his ear, that was it.
Yeah, and then
you showed us that.
And had lots of other stuff that I don't have though.
Weird body part anomalies.
I also actually have a lot, but they're less sort of
magical than Buddha's.
And more like get medical help.
That's good though, touching your nose.
I can't do that.
I think I'm tongue tied.
Oh, really?
And that's why you're so bad at breastfeeding, isn't it?
Yes.
But I'm still trying.
Good on you.
That's a
bristly experience, Dan.
You're very bearded.
That's a rough...
It's a rough...
Highly sanded boobs.
The nipples almost gone
all together.
Just a flat...
Bloody hell.
Potato.
Flat potato.
Can we have some more of Anna, please?
Classic Czazinski.
OK, well, I'll have a look on the archives.
Let's see if we can find some of the things
that you've mentioned in the next little Anna compilation.
Stop the podcast.
Stop the podcast.
Hi, everybody.
Just wanted to let you know we are sponsored this week
by LinkedIn Jobs.
That's right, LinkedIn Jobs.
This is the place where if you are a business
and you've got a space going
and you need to find the right person for the job,
you can head here to hone it down
and find the perfect person
without wasting thousands of hours
basically having a second job
looking for someone to join your company.
You don't need a second job.
You need a new hire.
And that's exactly what LinkedIn Jobs can provide you.
There are all these good tools
to get the right person for your business.
There are screening questions that mean you can effortlessly
sort the wheat from the chaff.
So much chaff out there these days.
And no one's interested in chaff.
Actually, I'm sure there are some commercial uses for chaff.
But you want to be hiring the wheat.
And so make sure to use LinkedIn Jobs
to get that delicious wheat
into your business.
Just think if we had used LinkedIn Jobs
on no such thing as a fish.
I wouldn't be here. We'd have someone competent.
So if you want to have a bash at this
and you want to see if you can find the right person
using the super easy way
just head to LinkedIn.com
slash fish.
And if you use that, you're going to get a free
job posting with that offer code.
So do that. Try it out
and see if you can find someone.
Exactly. Just go to LinkedIn.com
slash fish and you can post
a job for free.
Terms and conditions you'll be relieved to hear
apply.
OK. On with the show.
On with the podcast.
My fact is that the way to recognize the Buddha
is to look out for his webbed feet
a tongue that can reach his ears
and withdrawn genitalia.
That's a good excuse on a date.
No, no, no. It's not small. I'm just
I'm the Buddha. I'm the reincarnated Buddha.
Oh yeah, then show me your tongue
because I could get on board with this.
I read that
female beetles
they quench their thirst through sex
and it's because of
the semen and the fluids
in the semen because they get very dehydrated
and so when they have sex it's actually just like
having a drink for them.
That's the reason we all do it.
Sometimes the tap is too far away.
A few people who were farmers
who were involved in castrating
lambs when they were born
got very ill very quickly
and there was 12 people who got ill
but they worked out that two of them got ill
because they were castrating
with an old method that still goes on these days
not completely
but in the 1800s all the time
they castrate using their teeth
so these are humans
who go and two of these guys
were castrating
these lambs with their teeth
and they got very ill
One of my best friends has done that
in Australia. Really?
Did they get ill?
Well he's pretty insane but he's not sick.
I think he is sick.
And they go by on a conveyor belt
and you lie underneath them
and you just whip him off on by one.
Were you come up like Jaws?
You just bite off their balls?
Is your friend Australian?
He lived in Australia for a year.
But he was British. Feels like
they kind of saw him coming didn't they?
Yeah we all do this mate.
This guy looks like he'll bite the balls off anything.
I just don't get
wrestling.
It doesn't make any sense to me
because I covered it before on this podcast
and I find it impossible to research
because everything you read about it
you're like is this real?
Did this really happen?
The confusion of real sport
and fake acting is bewildering.
There's this fight between him
and Hulk Hogan which was this really famous fight
and apparently it was
super controversial. It was in 1988
and there was
a referee, a famous referee
called Dave Hebner
who was wrestling matches
and he happened to have an identical twin
who they tracked down for this match.
The referee had an identical twin.
He didn't really I think.
No he did really.
I've seen the actual pictures
either he did or there's some amazing photo shopping going on
but he had this identical twin
and so
Andre the Giant's agent
got Dave who was supposed to referee the match
locked him in a cupboard
and then bribed Earl
with an identical twin to referee the game instead
and he did
and then he made Andre the Giant one
and then Dave broke out of his closet
and then him and his identical twin brother
had a big fight afterwards
in front of the crowd.
I really want to hear Anna doing the commentary
of WWF.
I don't understand any of this.
Is that real?
There's story lines.
You go to the theatre all the time
are you standing up?
No, because in the write ups of the theatre
it doesn't say
and there was an incredibly controversial moment
when Hamlet's mother remarried
Hamlet's uncle
and the audience can be like
okay this is a story.
Was it controversial
or was it all made up?
It's all made up.
It's all made up.
Then why is it controversial?
It's controversial in the world of wrestling.
Which is a fake world.
Now you're getting it.
No, it is weird how it's presented as true.
It's so weird.
There is a synopsis. Normally when you go out
of the play, the thing doesn't keep happening out.
No, but
I just think it's amazing that we found the edge
of Anna's comfort zone.
I never thought we'd get there.
Who would know as pro wrestling is fake.
The town choir championships.
I just think this is so amazing that
these kind of things have the budget for this.
I've been there once.
Did not place.
What?
Do you know where they were held, the last ones?
The one I went to was in either Lancashire
or Yorkshire, I can't remember.
The last one was in Bermuda, so I feel like...
Do you ever get the feeling you chose the wrong year?
I mean, who was paying for town choir?
It's good. Anyway, this year
it's the first time a Brit has won
the town choir championship.
It was very exciting. Mark Wiley
beat off 24 other championships.
And they were like,
oh, yay!
It's one of the requirements these days.
He actually said...
For legal reasons, we have to correct that.
Sorry, he...
So this guy won
over and above
24 other contestants.
What he won was
an awful lot of rum, he said.
Which I needed for medicinal purposes.
He explained which is understandable
after the trauma he'd undergone.
OK, it's time for
fact number three.
And that is my fact.
My fact this week
is that we're sitting here
in the Covent Garden office.
This is an important room to us
and it's the last time the four of us
are ever going to be in this room together
doing the podcast because Anna's going off
and the offices are moving.
But it's also important for another reason
because in 2022
Anna and I
set a Guinness World Record
right here in this room.
We became the world record
holders of the longest
anyone has ever played.
Keep the balloon in the air
tennis game between two people.
That was amazing. In history.
I remember that three weeks when you were doing that
it was just because we were coming
and we'd have to work around you.
Record the podcast each week. Oh my god, it was so hard.
It was tough, wasn't it?
And not sleeping.
The third week
I was really surprised
you were still doing it.
That was the rehearsal
when we actually did it. It was
80 minutes we lost.
80 minutes for keeping the balloon in the air.
Do you still have that record? We've been beaten.
Yep, we've been beaten.
Someone beat us by 8 seconds.
I would argue an unfair advantage.
They had a giant balloon. It was the size of a beach ball.
There should be a restriction on balloon size.
You should have read the small print.
But one thing we did manage to do
is make it into a physical Guinness World Record
book.
There's a picture of me and Anna
in the Guinness World Records, 2023.
That's not us.
Oh there, sorry. I was going to get that bloke below.
Who was the chicken in your mind
when I was
a man holding a chicken?
Is that Irving Finkel above you?
That is Irving Finkel. And what does it say?
Oldest depiction of a ghost.
You're really on the best page here, aren't you?
Well, what you'll notice as well is
I'm responsible for that ghost getting the Guinness World Record.
Tell us how.
I took Craig Glende, who is the Guinness
World Records Editor-in-Chief, to the British
Museum to meet the world's oldest ghost
to give it a Guinness World Record.
I wonder if you're the only person in that book then
who's got two world records.
Is Usain Bolt in there?
You don't claim the same world record as Irving Finkel.
You didn't find the oldest ghost.
No, no. I found the guy with the oldest ghost.
Can I just have a quick look at it?
Guinness World Records 2023.
And it's about an event that happened in 2022.
Oh, and this is maybe the most
successful book in history?
Oh.
Okay.
Maybe it's alright sometimes.
Yeah, but so we did that.
We did that here in this room.
This ghost was depicted 2,500 years ago.
Yes, the world's oldest ghost is not
going to have appeared in 2023.
Yeah, and Anna, that's for you
because I know you don't have a copy.
How do you know that?
Because obviously you don't have a copy.
You're not interested in this kind of stuff.
So yeah, we're forcing a copy onto you.
We cheated, didn't we?
We didn't cheat.
What are you talking about?
We're friends with Craig, who's fantastic,
who organizes all the Guinness stuff.
And he gave us a tip-off that no one's tried
to break this category, but it is a category.
So as long as you get over an hour.
We did it in a few minutes more than we needed to.
Which showed a lot of commitment because it was
pub time by then.
It's right. And Anna drank the whole way through.
There's a big glass of wine in her hand.
I think I had a beer, but it was...
I can't quite remember now.
It was daunting.
It was very scary keeping a balloon in the air, wasn't it?
Do you remember the...
I'm sorry.
What is riding on it really?
There was a bomb inside.
It touches the ground.
He did it. It was a sign that was just
Dan Schreiber for almost two hours.
The record should have been the person
who spent the most time with Dan Schreiber.
Even the ghost pissed off
after 20 minutes.
I'll tell you what, there's been a lot of adventures
where Anna has been the kind of
the butt of the story,
I would say, to an extent.
Like Little Adventures.
The Garfield Danes of the story.
We will be missing the ass soon.
What are you talking about?
I get a bit upset because I wasn't there
for some of my favourite ones and James was.
James, you two have had quite a few adventures.
Well, there was the time that Anna
flipped over her bike by canal, knocked her teeth out
and you had to rescue her outside a pub.
I wouldn't say I rescued her.
I took her to the hospital.
That was very nice of you,
because they didn't have a phone on me or anything
and so I had to wait for a pass by to come.
Who do you think knocked you off the body?
Can I just say on that,
it's quite funny because we're in A&E
and we were just sat there waiting
for you to be seen and you just
come back from Ireland.
You've been on holiday in Ireland
and you were telling me a story about what had happened
and for some reason you'd upset
someone who ran a shop
and you upset this woman so much
that she started shouting at you
saying, who the hell do you think
you are?
And when you told me the story,
you said it in a really thick Irish accent.
I could do it now.
But you said it just as the doctor
was coming from behind you
to say, Anna Tyshinski, where are you?
And so all he saw was me
and you, you with your face covered
in blood and you yelling at me.
Who the hell do you think you are?
And we just looked like some kind of
domestic abuse couple.
Oh my God.
Yes, we're working on our issues.
Just fix my jaw.
Let's get out of here.
Then you go to an English accent
and think, okay, she's seriously wobbly.
Something's happened.
We need to keep her in.
Who's the president?
Or the T-sock, you know.
But the best story
and I don't know if you're going to say it.
I just want to tear it up and say,
I hope you'll say it.
And it's the regret of my life I wasn't there for it
is when James and Anna went to
a university in order to tell
the students canterbury
and I stayed the night in a hotel
and Anna got a bit drunk.
I don't think I should tell the story.
I don't know.
I'll tell you what I remember of it
which is James and I went
and yeah, Alan Davies
was doing a show at Canterbury.
I think he just got like an honorary degree
or something like that. Yes, he had.
So he was being interviewed and it was great
and so we went for some moral support.
Me, James, Alan and
John Lloyd.
Alan went to support himself.
Do you know what I'm going to come along
for moral support?
Afterwards we had quite a lot to drink
in some hotel bar and we were
staying in this place that was actually
next to the cathedral which was awesome.
It was almost like part of the cathedral, wasn't it?
It was kind of appended to it.
Certainly a place where I wouldn't do anything
that God might judge
adversely.
So great night. I guess at about
three o'clock we sort of went to
and retired to bed and I have this thing
in the morning.
Bloody hell.
I didn't know that. I thought it was all
happening around 11pm, 11.30,
three.
Andy's always stopped at that bit of the story.
Just John.
Can't hear anything else.
So I really love looking
round places and sneaking into places
that maybe I'm not supposed to be in
and disuse rooms and buildings
and sometimes use buildings.
And so I wasn't really
tired and I thought
I'd go for a wander. So I remember
first of all, pushing open a lot of
doors in my hotel corridor to see what opened.
I managed to get into
a sort of weird garden out of a
fire escape and then climbing over a fence
into the cathedral
kind of the cathedral
and then wandering around there. And then
what happens often with me is you're drunk
and you're in this place and you're not allowed to be in
and you're like, well, I guess I'll go back now.
I went over the fence, went back upstairs
and I pushed another door in the hotel
and ended up in this lecture theatre
where I sort of fanied
around for a bit, looked in all the cupboards
trying to see
what I could see really. You found a lot of candy, didn't you?
I found a lot of sweets.
I found a massive bag of
different coloured sweets
and I thought what would be so
amusing would be if I took these
all back to my room and I just took all the
green ones out
and then I just put it back in the room and that's
going to freak the shit out of whoever comes
to get
the sweets next time and also green is my
favourite colour of sweet.
So I spent about half an hour in my room
with a huge bag taking out all the green
sweets
and then I went to put the bag of sweets back
because I don't want to just steal people's sweets
or people's sweets. And then
as I was leaving the room
having replaced the bag of sweets
I just saw this massive white board at the front
of the room and so I thought
OK, I'll just grab a marker pen
and I wrote in big letters
Yippie-ki-ay, mother fuckers
in
capitals on this white board
and then
that was actually ideal timing because
I heard someone coming down the corridor and doing a bit of a
Oi! And what are you doing?
And so then I legged it and it was a member of staff
so I legged it back to my room and he sort of chased me.
So then you went to bed, right?
I've been asleep this whole time.
I woke up the next morning to check out
and you were like
a naughty schoolgirl
sat in the corner of the reception
being bollocked by someone.
Yeah,
it transpired. It was actually very unlucky
because
it hadn't been a white board. It had been a built-in
white screen
that was part of the wall.
I'd written on it in
indelible, unremovable
in large letters
Yippie-ki-ay, mother fuckers. A diehard quote.
Do you remember that from the night
before when I was chased by the security guard?
I was going, it's a quote from diehard!
To excuse it.
I'm not saying Yippie-ki-ay, mother fuckers.
It's a quote.
Anyway, the push comes to shove
the next morning at 9am
there was a church group
who had booked that room.
That did seem to be the truth
of the matter.
They walked in.
Someone desperately scrubbing off.
They couldn't scrub it off.
They had to cover it up.
They had to cover it up with a curtain.
And I was charged a small amount
of money for the repairs to the room.
In fact, probably,
than your one small bag of laundry in New York City.
Pretty good going.
It was the funniest thing that I've
ever experienced being on the train
coming back and you having
to ring up our boss to tell them
because I think it had come off
the company credit cards or something
so you knew that they were going to find out.
No, they'd told our accountant
at work so actually the first thing I knew
was just empathize for a minute with me please.
I'd gone to bed incredibly drunk
about four in the morning, my phone rang
at 8am and I saw it was
Liz, our lovely accountant
and imagine the heart
thinking when I saw Liz's name come up
and I thought, I don't know what's that
laughing rumble
and yeah, I picked up
and the hotel had indeed called her.
Yeah, it was tough. I thought it was going to be fired actually.
We laugh now guys but this could have been the end of the podcast.
Because I remember pretty much all the way
from like, let's say, well
for about half an hour on the train back
you're like, I'm going to get fired, what are we going to do?
There'll be no more podcasts because I won't be able to do this
anyway. Yeah, yeah, I'm probably going to prison.
And to hell.
Let's not forget the cathedrals right next door.
Yeah, it's a great story.
Anyway, good luck
getting those stories out of these so-called guests
you're having on in my house.
Is there a pass going to do that?
Yeah, she probably would.
She would have been up for it.
Oh well, let's have, why don't we do one more batch
of best of Anna and just hear
a bit more from the greatest hits
from the last nine years.
Anna Tushinsky.
Stop the podcast.
Stop the podcast.
Hi everybody, just wanted to let you know
we are sponsored this week by Babbel.
Yes, that's right. Babbel is the incredible
in your pocket app that allows
you to learn dozens of languages
curated by over 150
language experts and making sure
that you have the best pronunciation.
It is the ultimate guide to learning a new language.
And it's so much fun. I have been
genuinely using Babbel in the last six months
to brush up on my French. You can join in conversations
that have been carefully written
and put together to allow you
to take part in chats,
but also then to build your vocabulary
as you go. It's quick, it's easy, it's fun.
The lessons are about 50 minutes.
You can do them on the go. It's just great.
And you could also tailor it to what
suits your learning best. So for example
if you feel you learn better through podcasts, or maybe
it's through gaming, or just watching videos,
or you want to do live classes, they have
all of these options so that you can find
the best method to take the language
into that old braniers.
So if you want to give it a go,
all you need to do is head to Babbel.com
slash podcast 23.
And if you do that, and you get a
three month subscription,
if you use the offer code NoFish,
they're going to give you three extra months, all for free.
That's right. It's Babbel
B-A-B-B-E-L.com
slash podcast 23.
Stick in the offer code NoFish
and you will get an extra three months
free with a purchase of a three month
subscription. Amazing.
Okay, on with the show.
On with the show.
I was having a look at the Reverend Rich
Coles's autobiography,
and he was saying,
it was just a throwaway line that I then looked into.
He was saying that a lot of vickers
have funny names,
and he was saying he knew someone who
insisted on everyone, even bishops,
calling them the Reverend Gas.
And so then I thought, I wonder what funny names
there have been in the church over the years.
There's this blog, the blog of St.
Chrysostom's Church in Manchester,
and it's really good.
You know when people put proper effort
into like quite an obscure thing,
and there's a piece on funny names of church leaders
throughout history, and there are some
such good ones. So I like this anecdote,
which is Henry Joy Fiennes Clinton,
who was a rector in the early
20th century, who went to see the Bishop of London,
and the bishop said, take a chair,
Clinton, to which he replied,
it's Fiennes Clinton.
And the bishop said, in that case, take two.
And so it's just, I think that's funny
from a bishop.
It's Bishops Humour.
It's Bishop Humour, yeah.
OK, we won't get him on the podcast.
It's just his audition tape, and I thought...
Oh, come on, give us more zingers.
OK.
OK, what about this?
The very reverend
Gonville-Obey French Baytag,
but French is spelled with a small
F, and two of them.
Is that important
for the anecdote?
There's no anecdote.
It's just the word
French spelled slightly differently.
No, Anna, we want you to tell us
every single one you've found.
This is literally all I've got now.
It's just...
This is not very amusing names.
OK, Father John Brabazin, Brabazin Loutha.
Come on.
It's two Brabazins.
Oh, my God.
I'm just picturing Jimmy Carr
at the Habersmith Apollo.
The next act is a fucking killer act.
She's got some amazing anecdotes.
Anna Tashinsky, everybody.
Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.
Woo!
We've got Father Page Turner.
We've got Father Pickles.
Page Turner, open with Page Turner.
That's great.
Father Pickles is funny as well.
I'll reorder the set.
Father Christmas?
OK.
So that's the one I should stick with.
Father Christmas.
I don't think stick with any of it.
Have you guys heard of St Andrew Undershaft?
I can't believe...
You just said it.
They're way funnier than Anna's 20 days.
Just upstage the full day of work.
I'm so sorry.
I've been delving into church.
I'm so sorry.
This is right under your nose the whole time.
On the subject of people being allergic to things.
I went on to...
I continued my search.
And I went to Yahoo Answers.
Because people often ask questions.
The best site on the internet.
This was the...
the question.
So my girlfriend is allergic
to almost every animal you'd find in a petting zoo.
If she inhales air that is around a horse,
she can be hospitalized.
Now, she loves giraffes.
Does anyone think she'd be allergic to them too?
I was thinking of surprising her on her birthday
with a trip to the local zoo
to pet a giraffe.
And the reply, the top rated reply,
because that's how it works on Yahoo Answers,
the most voted reply.
If she's allergic to almost every animal
I guarantee you the zoo will contain more than just giraffes.
Why don't you do something less stupid?
LAUGHTER
So where did you take her in the end, then?
I don't know.
Britain's leading female table tennis player
is this woman,
this girl called Tin Tin Ho.
And do you guys...
Can you guess why she's called that?
She's got a quiff. Tin Tin.
That's why I was...
No, I've got a small dog called Snowy.
Confusingly, it's not related to the character of Tin Tin.
Wait, she hangs out with an old fisherman
called Captain Haddock.
Again, it's not like a thing.
She has a pair of twins
that she hangs out with called the Thompson twins.
You can't just stop us making Tin Tin jokes, Anna,
immediately.
Her father is called Hershey.
Right. As I have made quite clear,
it's not related to Tin Tin.
And there must be other avenues you can pursue.
She's Belgian, no?
I'm just going to tell you, OK?
No, no, no, no, no, no. I feel like we're close.
She's made of tin.
Hey, he's found something different.
But incorrect.
No, it's because her dad is obsessed
with table tennis.
Actually, that's kind of weird.
It's coming, it's coming.
I was so sure you were going to say,
dad is obsessed with Tin Tin.
I wish I hadn't brought this up.
He's obsessed with table,
tennis,
and the initials of table,
tennis, are TT.
So we call that Tin Tin.
And in fact, her brother is called Ping.
And she said there was, it was between
her being called Tin Tin and her being called Pong
when she was born.
And so she says that she is delighted
that she didn't get bombed.
You can't have two kids who call them Ping and Pong.
The social services will get involved.
You would think.
ABBA.
Oh, yeah. In 1976,
they had the number one spot for 39 weeks.
And after 12 weeks of it,
their version of Top of the Pops
just stopped showing the music video
because you've seen it for 12 weeks, guys.
In Australia, that one.
Yeah, fans absolutely rioted.
And that was on the Australian version of Top of the Pops,
which was called Countdown.
Yeah.
When you say fans rioted.
Did I say rioted? Yeah.
I meant, were furious.
One complaint was registered
to the BBC.
Generally, look, when they toured,
one mother ran and she put her baby down
on the road so that their tour caravan
would stop and she could get an autograph.
There was a hotel which cut up their bedsheets
after they'd left and they sold it
via newspaper.
They did that all the time. Yeah, they did that with the Beatles as well.
I've got about six of them.
Not the baby thing, though.
I just wanted to know we will not succumb to that kind of blackmail.
If there's a baby in front of our tour bus,
we're going straight over it.
I think that's fish policy, right?
It's very important to get that clear from the outset.
That's good.
It's very controversial the way they vote
in the Grammys. Oh, yeah.
Because it's, well, until this year, it was super secret.
It sounds quite exciting.
And I think
what used to happen was winners were decided by
this like 12,000 strong
Recording Academy bunch of
voters.
But then I think partly because the awards just kept going so wrong
and they just kept giving it
to weird people.
They had to change the rules and I think the straw that broke the camel's back came in
the early 90s
when Over at Album of the Year
was up and Bruce Springsteen's
Born in the USA was released and
Princess Purple Rain was released
and Lionel Richie's Can't Slow Down
won and everyone said
we didn't like that. That's not as good as the other two.
And so they formed
a secret committee which basically goes through
all the 12,000 votes and takes out the duds.
Because actually you would think that
having a larger group, 12,000
would be more likely to give you a democratic answer, right?
Yeah.
But a democratic answer isn't necessarily the best answer, James.
Is that not right?
That's my view.
And my one-way ticket to Russia
has just come through.
Anyway, people got quite pissed off
by the secret committee because no one knew
how they voted or why they voted
and there's someone called The Weekend, I think.
Oh, The Weekend.
Oh, right.
Well, it's spelled The Weekend.
Yeah, yeah.
This show has certainly weakened Over at Album of the Year, hasn't it?
Yeah, so it's spelled like Weekend.
Anyway, but without any.
Well, with two E's.
But not three.
Anyway, The Weekend got annoyed that he hadn't
got nominated.
I think it's pronounced The Weekend.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Weekend.
I just, I want a new podcast
where we give Anna the name of
all the partners that are in the charts
and see if she can pronounce them.
They've asked me to read out the nominations next year.
I'm quite nervous now.
Lil Nas the Tenth.
I didn't know there were nine other Lil Nases.
I know how to artificially inseminate
a cow based on researching for this podcast.
Cool.
I think 75% of dairy cows in this country
when they have to be inseminated,
they get inseminated just by semen
rather than the actual bull.
And for some reason, I found myself reading
this really in-depth farmer's guide
to how to do it.
And what I didn't realize was, so you get a semen gun,
which you put the semen in.
How did you bring your semen gun
to a gunfight?
No.
Damn it.
You bring your semen gun to the insemination fight.
But what you do is
you have to...
So there are two entries into a cow.
So it's much like humans.
Yeah.
You've got the...
Oh, sorry.
There are three now.
We're in Devon.
Something tells me
you're not the biggest expert in this room
on the number of ways into a cow.
What?
I know that people in Devon know all these secret ways,
but there are two entries...
LAUGHTER
There were two entries into the back of a cow,
officially.
And so, you know, one is the rectum
as we all have.
Stop, Professor. Let me write this down.
LAUGHTER
Children, wouldn't you be quiet?
You've got the rectum,
and then you've got the sex tubes,
and they're different...
LAUGHTER
Right, the cervix.
But what you do is, amazingly,
when you're inseminating a cow,
you obviously have to stick the gun in the cervix.
But the way you navigate the gun
into the uterine horns,
as they're called,
is you have to put your other arm
that's not holding the gun
into the rectum.
LAUGHTER
It's so amazing.
When they say you shove your arm into the rectum,
insert your arm into the rectum,
get someone else to hold the cow's tail aside
while you do this.
It would be a bold farmer who tried using one foot
to pin the cow's tail.
LAUGHTER
This is the worst game of Twister I've ever played.
LAUGHTER
It says left hand sex tubes.
LAUGHTER
Anyway, look,
it feels like this lesson isn't going to end,
so you essentially use
your rectum arm to navigate
your semen gun,
which is in the vaginal canal,
and you push it through.
So you've got your arm in the rectum,
and it's pushing against the other canal
so that it gets into the uterus,
and it's called rectovaginal insemination.
And that's lesson over.
Enjoy.
APPLAUSE
MUSIC
Well, there we go. There it is.
Some of the best of Anna Tyshinski's
best bits.
I was trying to think, you know,
is there some way that we could
keep a bit of you here, you know?
Oh, God!
Is there some way...
We want her to give us the finger.
Just in spirit, you know?
She's been metaphorically giving everyone
the finger for the last nine years.
I'll tell you what, though. I thought hard about it.
I thought, how do we keep a bit of Anna here?
And I worked it out.
I suddenly remembered the weirdest story
I have ever heard involving Anna Tyshinski,
and it is this.
There was a Christmas party
that Anna once went to,
and part of the party, they said,
we're going to do a really fun thing.
We're going to do a raffle. You're just going to take a ticket,
and you're going to get a present,
so everyone bring a present so you can give it to someone.
So I was talking to the friend today
who I bumped into. She gave a scarf,
for example.
Normal things. Normal things were handed around.
This person, whose name is Lenny,
received her number
and received her prize in the raffle.
I've never met Lenny.
This is the prize that Anna had donated.
It is her teeth.
Oh, my God!
That fell out of her mouth.
Lenny hasn't treasured and kept the teeth.
WTS.
She has. They're in her home.
I went to her home today to pick it up.
Lenny didn't know who Anna was.
She opens up her present,
and there are teeth from one of the other party members there.
Were these the teeth that got knocked out
when James went to get you from...
Yeah.
They got removed.
I thought they were in the canal.
They're in the canal. We weren't looking for them.
The fully knocked out ones were in the canal,
and they were the ones that had to get taken out later.
Bloody hell.
So Anna thought it would be normal
to give, in a raffle prize,
her teeth away.
Now, Polly, who is the partner of Lenny,
tried to get rid of Anna's teeth to begin with
because she has a fear of teeth.
She literally hates the tapping of teeth
as the worst present that could have arrived into the house.
Sorry, Polly.
But as a result, for the last couple of years
since they've had these teeth,
Lenny hides your teeth all over the house
to surprise Polly.
If she goes to sleep, she'll put it under her pillow.
If she's opening a pencil case,
and then they almost got given away
in another raffle very recently,
but Lenny decided to keep them
because she was having too much time.
How much did you pay for those, and have you told your wife?
But so, now, while you're gone,
you are here.
There'll be a bit of Anna always with us.
What we're going to do is we're going to make Sarah Pasco
put some of those.
Every time there's a guest,
we're going to make them shove them into their face.
It's going to make the book sound very weird, isn't it?
But it's worth it to get a bit of me.
That my teeth have had such a life beyond me, actually.
I know. It's really exciting.
It's a weird story, Dan.
You're responsible too, Anna.
James is the only one who gets off Scott for it.
No, actually, you were involved in the losing of the teeth.
I was not.
I'm the only one here who doesn't have any involvement
with this mad, batshit, teeth raffle story.
You will.
I won't.
You're the next chapter.
Anyway, let's wrap up.
That is it.
That is all of our facts.
Thank you so much for listening.
If you want to get in contact with any of us
about the weird ass stories that we've said
over the course of this podcast,
we can all be found on our Twitter accounts.
I'm on at Shriverland, Andy.
At Andrew Hunter M. James. Hi, James Harkin.
And Anna. No, you don't say anything. You're gone.
Yeah, I'm at candymultiplecast.qi.com
but good luck me ever seeing it.
Yeah. And you'll see it.
We'll do a good impersonation
when you reply. Yeah, that's right.
You'll be wearing the teeth every time you reply to an email.
I'll time the emails all to go out
between 3 and 5 a.m.
Everyone will end Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.
Yeah, we're going to our group account
at no such thing.
And we'll be back again next week
with a really exciting guest
as part of our big rotation of awesome guests
starting with Sarah Pasco.
And we'll be back with that episode next week.
We'll see you then. Goodbye.
Thanks for watching.