No Such Thing As A Fish - 467: No Such Thing As Free Laundry

Episode Date: February 24, 2023

On Anna's final day before maternity leave, She, Dan, James and Andrew tell some salacious stories from the last 9 years and listen to some of Anna's best bits.  Visit nosuchthingasafish.com for new...s about live shows, merchandise and more episodes.  Join Club Fish for ad-free episodes and exclusive bonus content at nosuchthingasafish.com/apple or nosuchthingasafish.com/patreon

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast coming to you from the QI offices in Covent Garden. My name is Dan Schreiber. I am sitting here with Andrew Hunter Murray, Anna Tyshinski and James Harkin and once again we have gathered round the microphones for this time for a very special, somewhat sad episode. Poignant. Poignant episode.
Starting point is 00:00:36 A very, a very sad announcement that we have to make is that- A happy announcement, no? I think it's a happy announcement. Is it? It's very confusing. Well, Anna Tyshinski is leaving the show. So it's a- I'm delighted.
Starting point is 00:00:49 Yeah. I'm delighted. Yeah, for nine months. Temporarily. Temporarily. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been waiting for a while to think about what she's done and then she can come back. And what specifically she's done is created a baby.
Starting point is 00:01:04 She has. She's been collaborating on another project with another person. It's very low effort, so much less work than the podcast and I hope that it continues that way. That it does. Anyway, we thought we would commemorate this tragedy. I think it's a tragedy that she's going. Joyful news.
Starting point is 00:01:22 Joyful news. Joyful. That's obviously happy stuff. Yeah. That's not for the listener. Not for Dan. Not for me. I honestly feel like I am secretly dying and no one's told me because the person who's
Starting point is 00:01:34 been leaving drinks tonight, people are going to Anna's leaving thing. As someone who's been in this situation or a similar situation 12 months ago, metaphorically, it's the end. I'm going to be dead inside from now on, aren't I? I'm afraid so. Yeah, yeah. You've gone for two weeks, though, on paternity. Should we have done a missing- James is off.
Starting point is 00:01:52 Do the best of. We should say that's what we're here to do. We're here to commemorate our wonderful buddy, a very daffy word. Can we say, celebrate, you know? It's not sad occasion. It's not eulogy. Well, yeah. So, we thought what we'd do is we would present our three favorite facts this time.
Starting point is 00:02:12 Not for it. Sort of get used to the idea that she's not here and share with you some of the greatest moments that she's had over the last nine years of fish, nine years we've been doing this. Nine years. It's coming up to it in March of this year. We're on the brink. So...
Starting point is 00:02:27 Oh, God, I'm going out. Sorry. You're coming back. You're coming back in nine months and there's a very exciting roster of guests actually presenting lined up to replace you. So, you know. Wow. Let's not use the word replace.
Starting point is 00:02:37 Would you jump into a grave that quickly? Sarah Pascoe? They could jump into someone's grave. Is that what you do? Wait. I don't think if you're replacing them, you climb into that coffin with them. You're right. That's the phrase.
Starting point is 00:02:55 Dance on their grave. Jump into their bed. What is it called? Shoes. Pick up their shoes. Pick up their shoes. Fill the dead man's shoes. I wouldn't piss on their shoes if they were dead.
Starting point is 00:03:04 That's the phrase. Is it? No. It's like... I think it's maternity cover. I think that's the one we were looking for. They haven't even cleaned up the funeral meat yet. She's not even cold.
Starting point is 00:03:13 She's not even cold. I'm sorry. They haven't cleaned up her funeral meats? I think that's actually... I think that's from Hamlet. Oh, no, they... No, it is. There's a thing about funeral meats.
Starting point is 00:03:21 In the wedding, they reuse the stuff for Hamlet's dad's funeral for the wedding to Hamlet's dad's brother. Have you heard of cheesy funeral potatoes? Sounds yummy, though. It's a thing they do in Utah, I think. Okay. And it's basically potatoes, cream, cheese, and cornflakes all together. Oh, right.
Starting point is 00:03:41 And it's what you have in funerals. And the idea is that it's the kind of thing that a typical funeral meat is. Something that a typical Utah family, a typical Mormon family would have in the larder. And everyone would have these four or five different things. I think chicken soup is one of them as well. But you put them all together and it's like the meal that you have at a funeral. Really? Hold on.
Starting point is 00:04:05 You don't mix a chicken soup with the... Yeah, I always do. You just put it in the chicken soup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you put cornflakes on top. Wow. We're here basically to have your cheesy funeral potato meats. Nice.
Starting point is 00:04:15 Lovely. I think chicken soup is quite an incentive thing to have because that traditionally makes you better. But of course at a funeral, it's too late for that, isn't it? Absolutely right. Sorry. We've broken the format. We're going to do our three favorite facts about Anna Tyshinski, each one of us presenting
Starting point is 00:04:32 it. And why don't we start with you, James? Okay. Well, my fact this week is that in order to get into the United States, Anna Tyshinski had to tell a fact about a dead president. Oh. I'm never allowed there again. They let you in surprisingly, despite it.
Starting point is 00:04:50 They did. Customs. It was. Or border control. Yeah. I actually can't remember the context where they made me say it. Well. We'd landed, hadn't we?
Starting point is 00:04:59 We'd landed. So, we had to get a visa as something like people of exceptional talent or something like that. Yeah. It was like we were Julia Roberts or something. She wouldn't need one, of course, because she is American. Yeah. We were at the American embassy and we had to prove to them that we had exceptional
Starting point is 00:05:15 talent or they were exceptionally famous or something. Yeah. And the woman at the, at the window just said, notice this thing is a fish. I never heard of you. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. And immediately we were on the back foot.
Starting point is 00:05:28 But anyway, eventually we managed to convince them that we should go to America and get a visa to work there so that we could do our show. But when we got to the passport control, the visa said that we were a comedy podcast. And the guy said to you, Anna, as you walked up, he said, well, what do you do? And you said, well, it's a kind of about facts. And he said, well, tell me a fact then. And the only thing you could think about was something about the murderer of a president. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:56 Yeah. The only thing I can usually think about is President Garfield's anus, but all the more so when you're landing in the home of President Garfield. Yeah. So yeah, I told him that when President Garfield was assassinated, it was a slow process. And he spent the last month of his life eating through his anus, which I'm sure you're all familiar with. If you remember episode one.
Starting point is 00:06:15 Yeah. Second ever fact on the show. How did he react? The border control. President Garfield. Yeah. There were a lot of funeral potatoes that week. I think he did what most border control people do, which is be very unimpressed and slightly
Starting point is 00:06:31 threatening. Like, okay, go on ahead then, man. Wow. Wow. Which is the reaction I've always wanted to all of our podcast facts. Yeah. Do you know, weirdly, this, this fact about President Garfield was, I remember the exact moment that you told me that fact.
Starting point is 00:06:47 I can remember the exact spot in the office. Yeah, because we were trying, we were getting ready to do what was still a run through of the show. And we use that segment in the very first episode. But I remember you had sent around your facts and your fact was about President Garfield. And it was to do with the fact that he spent three months on his death bed and they tried to cure him. I can't remember your wording, but it wasn't great.
Starting point is 00:07:07 It was sort of like, we need, we need that. Just quick note, Hannah. That's what this is going to be. This is an intervention. What do you think about over the next nine months? Don't be holding that in for nine years. Yeah. I've got a big list.
Starting point is 00:07:21 You can do this for everyone from episode one. Yeah, yeah. We're starting. Let's, let's start. Episode one. Okay. It's surprising. Is there any other way of expressing it?
Starting point is 00:07:30 And you literally in a beat said, you went, oh, what about this for the last three months of his life? He ate everything through his anus. And I remember genuinely, it was a bit of a thunderbolt kind of like, oh my God, we're going to have a hit on our hands. It was just so beautifully crafted. Yeah. I really felt it.
Starting point is 00:07:44 I'm just telling the origin story here. It was strange inspirational moment. I don't think a lot of great inventors could emphasize with that moment being the one. Thunderbolt. And that's why we were so nearly called the President Garfield anus cast. Well, such a shame that we changed the name. To be honest, when we were thinking of our first book, James and I, when we were brainstorming ideas for the title, the President's Anus.
Starting point is 00:08:03 I remember the President's Anus coming up quite a bit being tossed about. It feels like it feels like the beginning of a title, the President's Anus. It feels like it should be the President's Anus is missing or something. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But one of my favorite things of that tour. So we did a big, it was our first ever American tour.
Starting point is 00:08:21 First and only American tour. Pull yourself back from saying a big American tour because it was five days. Well, for us, it was super exciting. We were up on Times Square. We got to play New York. We stayed in the Watergate Hotel where they had, like, remember they had the pencils, like please steal this pencil and stuff like that. And the room keys.
Starting point is 00:08:42 And the room keys. That I was stolen from the Watergate Hotel. That's right. Yeah. All the light bulbs. And pillows I brought home. And those documents from the White House. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:54 But my favorite thing of all was when we were staying in New York and I just remember seeing Anna one morning and her looking unbelievably abused because she was holding a bill in her hand for a basic bit of laundry that she had sent to the hotel. My God. Which came to $240. It was more than that. It was more than that. I think it was like $400.
Starting point is 00:09:14 Oh my God. And I thought it was complimentary. I just, I don't know. I just put a bag outside your door, didn't they, with laundry written on it? Yeah. Just shove it in. You just put stuff in? I don't know.
Starting point is 00:09:27 We always send premier ins when we're in the UK. We're not used to this. So yeah, I tossed all my clothes from the whole tour in. You had enough clothes. You didn't really need it all done. Absolutely not when we were going home the next day. Sometimes it's lovely to get home with a fresh case of clothes. It feels incredible.
Starting point is 00:09:44 You just... Anyway, so we made a loss on that tour, didn't we? Yeah, we did. I should say, just to make you think kindly of these people, you're stuck with the next nine months, that they agreed that that could be split that loss over the whole tour group, rather than just me taking it. Did we? Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:10:01 And I think... Yeah, sorry about that. I think the tour pretty much dead on broke even. Yeah, right. But we would have been in the black if it had... I owe you all £100. Yeah, yeah. I think, no, I think I didn't pipe up because when I went back to England, I bought so many
Starting point is 00:10:15 books that might overweight money allowance with something like a thousand dollars or something. It was ridiculous. We didn't take the hit for that though, did we? I think you might have done. I think we might have done, yeah. Well, if I'm going to take the laundry hit, I thought... Andy, we should have gone for the huckers and the cocaine like we said.
Starting point is 00:10:33 I only ate one meal a day in America, so I was so concerned about making a loss. We made him walk all the way from Boston to New York. I took one pair of pants and I wore it inside, outside, back to front, upside down. I know I was on tour with, you know, Elton John. Yeah, so sorry about that. Wow. But yeah, didn't get evicted from the country. No, what's the call when you get evicted?
Starting point is 00:10:59 Deported. Deported. Didn't get deported for talking about presidential assassination, so actually helped us get in. So if you are trying to get into America, give it a go. Yeah. Well, the point of this show, I think, is that we're going to play some of Anna's best bits. It's a very short show.
Starting point is 00:11:13 It should be a very short show. So let's do a little bit now beginning with President Garfield's, Anna's. Stop the podcast. Stop the podcast. Hey, everyone. This week's episode of Fish is sponsored by Gusto. Yes, Gusto give you everything you need to create fabulous home cooked meals with Gusto. That's right.
Starting point is 00:11:40 And there are over 250 recipes every month to pick from. This means if like me, you have a family with three young children who are the fussiest eaters in the world, you can sit down with them and read the menus like their bedtime stories at night and decide what will actually go into their bodies and they will eat it and they will eat it with Gusto. What will actually go into your body? A shame that Gusto didn't call their business that, but it really is great, guys. The ingredients are pre-proportioned.
Starting point is 00:12:11 That means zero food waste. The ingredients are fresh, high quality. And if you would like to try it yourself, you can get 60% of your first box and 25% of all boxes for the next two months. That's right. So all you need to do is head to Gusto. That's G-O-U-S-T-O.co.uk. And if you use the offer code FISH, you're going to get 60% off your first box.
Starting point is 00:12:34 But then 25% off all remaining boxes for the next two months. It's a fabulous offer. So as Dan says, all you need to do is go to Gusto. G-O-U-S-T-O.co.uk and wap in the offer code FISH. Okay. On with the show. On with the podcast. Okay.
Starting point is 00:12:55 Fact number two, Anna, this one's yours. Yeah. So for the last month of his life, US President James Garfield ate everything through his anus. We will get letters from 11 people here. Yeah. I mean, I wasn't there, but this is what the doctors tell me. No, so James Garfield was, as everyone obviously knows, shot in July 1881 and he lived for
Starting point is 00:13:22 a further 80 days. He was shot in the small, in the like small of his back and once in the arm. So doctors now say he would have been out of hospital about two or three days later. But obviously because medicine was not as quite as advanced as it is now. In 1881, they just invited like dozens of doctors to his bedside who all prodded around trying to find this bullet. They didn't know where the bullet had gone in his body. So they gathered around, prodded about, made him worse and worse.
Starting point is 00:13:47 He stopped being able to eat and obviously if you stop being able to consume food in those days, they just shoved it up your arse. And so that's what they did. So does that work? It does not work. No. It was widely discredited in the early 30s. I think you get about an eighth of the nutrition from some of the food, but there's some food
Starting point is 00:14:05 that you can't absorb at all. What I love is the list of foods that he was fed in his mother. Beef, bouillon, egg yolks, milk. Egg yolks. Wait a second guys. Egg yolks, it was only true for a while. So I was reading the doctor at the time, his report on it. So yeah, he was fed egg yolks for a bit of time and then all the surgeons complained that
Starting point is 00:14:28 it was causing annoying and offensive plateaus. And so they ceased feeding him egg yolks. So they stopped it because it was annoying there. Not the other way around. Guys, I'd be quite happy to eat an egg with my mouth. That's alright by you guys. Apparently it's illegal to move sheep in whales until they've been checked to see whether they carry traces of the fallout from Chernobyl.
Starting point is 00:14:55 Really? Yeah. I have a question for you guys. Oh yeah? Why shouldn't you buy trousers from the northern Ukraine? I don't know. Why shouldn't you buy trousers from the northern Ukraine? Chernobyl fallout.
Starting point is 00:15:10 Ladies and gentlemen, that is the joke. Yeah, just so you know, just as a little inside bit of behind the scenes information here, Anna has consistently for the last, what, 14 podcasts said that same joke and we've cut it out every single episode. You used to have it in the podcast. This is a day. And you will not hear it in this one either unless someone else said it. It's the best joke ever.
Starting point is 00:15:33 Ambrose Pare, who was a famous doctor in the 15th century, saw a beggar in Paris who was begging him for money and who did so by, I don't actually know if we can put this out, it's so gross. Who did so by, she begged by lifting her skirts to reveal a prolapsed rectum. It was a horrid sight, he says. It was over half a foot long, leaking pus like fluid over her legs and garments. But his companion then attacked the woman and said, you're a big faker. You don't look sick enough to have a prolapsed rectum.
Starting point is 00:16:02 You have to be pretty confident that you're right in that situation. I know prolapsed rectums and that madame. He beat this woman to the ground and eventually she was forced to reveal that it was actually the prolapsed rectum of an ox that she put inside her own bosom. It was actually a prolapsed rectum. It was, it was a prolapsed rectum. I bet he felt pretty silly then, didn't he? That's not a human prolapsed rectum.
Starting point is 00:16:31 It was the prolapsed rectum of an ox. Yeah, she'd put up her own bum though. I think you've gone to the trouble of doing that. I really think you've earned your 50 cents or whatever. Definitely. But the lifting of her skirts as well. She could just have a sign saying, prolapsed rectum, please help. Wait, so if you saw someone with a sign saying that, that's probably how she started.
Starting point is 00:16:59 And she's like, no one is buying this at all. Except Andy. I could show it to you, no need. Absolutely believe you. The thing is though, I would pay, I would pay 50p not to see a prolapsed rectum. That is a fair point. She should have done that. We should move on.
Starting point is 00:17:23 When they were building the New York subway, the guys who were building it were called Sand Hogs because they dug through lots of sand. And I was reading a newspaper report from 1916 and it was about this guy called Marshall Mabee who was working in the tunnel to dig the subway and there was a pocket of compressed air which suddenly kind of escaped. So he's got this big shield up in the tunnel in front of him and they're using this shield to push forward and make the tunnel bigger. And he said he saw an 18 inch pocket of air suddenly appear
Starting point is 00:17:55 and it sucked him towards it. He was sucked into it. He was blasted up through the ground. So he was blasted up through 12 feet of river bed and then blasted up through the river itself and then hurled up 25 feet in the air above the river. He wasn't grinding through earth, 12 feet of earth. Yeah, that's what river bed's made of.
Starting point is 00:18:15 It's more plausible for him to be blasted through 12 feet of earth and 12 feet of concrete or steel or whatever. No, no, I was thinking was it just a tunnel? Like it was a hole that he was blasted through and just happened to be going through. So here we go. There's a whole interview with him and everything. There's a nice interview with his wife saying,
Starting point is 00:18:33 hey, he's fine. He's looking forward to going back to work. This is what the New York Times said at the time. There's a pocket of compressed air to prevent the river's bottom from caving in. So they have some... I don't know how that works. But somehow it happened, guys, and this compressed air got loose and he saw an 18 inch hole
Starting point is 00:18:55 and before he knew it, he was being sucked towards it. Two of his colleagues actually also got sucked in and they did perish. He survived by blasting up, putting his arm out in front of him and blasting up through the river then. 12 feet of riverbed and then got shot through and then out in the air.
Starting point is 00:19:15 Then there's enough force left over and shot through the river itself and then you had 25 feet. 25 feet? The New York Times is a very record. What year is it? What date was this? February 1916, all right.
Starting point is 00:19:33 Not April. Yeah, it was a little bit insane. But there you go. There's a picture of the guy. Pictures don't lie. What, mid-flight? Not mid-flight. That's extraordinary.
Starting point is 00:19:48 Did you say that was in New York? Yeah. It was soft ground, so that's why they were called the sound. Oh, well, if it was soft ground, I see, yeah. It was still a riverbed, though, wasn't it? 25 feet after 12 beds of... And a river. I don't know how it possibly happened.
Starting point is 00:20:04 So there was a woman in South Korea recently who was eating squid, so we all eat squid. We call it calamari for reasons I don't understand. But she was eating some boiled squid in a restaurant and she suddenly felt a pain in her tongue and it turned out the squid wasn't quite dead and it was a male squid and it had deposited its sperm packet into her tongue.
Starting point is 00:20:23 So she felt horrible pain in her tongue and then felt lots of stuff crawling around inside her tongue and had to go to hospital and they took out a whole bunch of sperm and apparently this does happen a bit, like there's been reports in Japan of it happening. That's so fucked up. I will never fucking keep that shit again.
Starting point is 00:20:40 Oh, my God. Fuck it now. Fuck that. Vegetarianism, here you come. I don't think we've mentioned this before. This year KFC have released a novel for the first time. What? It's a novel starring the Colonel
Starting point is 00:21:00 and it's a Mills and Boone style romance and it's called Tender Wings of Desire. He is a sexy man. Well, we ascertained before we started recording this podcast that you quite fancy Richard Nixon. Oh, yeah. How did we miss that when we got to that? We didn't ascertain that. That's warping of the truth.
Starting point is 00:21:16 Oh, I'm sorry. I find him not unattractive. Given that, there was an incident. But for Andy, that's pretty much someone saying you're attractive. That's the best I can hope for these days. I'm not physically repulsed by him. Great, Dave. He said in an interview that
Starting point is 00:21:32 something like, I know how I look. I'm under no illusions about my appearance, so I'll have to be good in other ways. And I read that interview and I thought... He is good in other ways, isn't he? Lots of ways that Richard Nixon is a very good man. What would you say? What are your top five ways
Starting point is 00:21:48 when she's a great guy, Hannah? When British author William Haslett died, his landlady was so keen to re-let his room that she hid his body under the bed while she showed new tenants around. And he's still there under that bed, isn't he? He's still there.
Starting point is 00:22:05 But he was a big deal and people used to go just to the Haslett Hotel just because that's where he lived. Seamus Heaney used to go there, obsessed with him, and they would have meet-ups there just to be able to be in the sort of presence of the location of this great person
Starting point is 00:22:21 who everyone seems to have forgotten, except it turns out you, Hannah... I mean, he's a fake... People know who William Haslett is, but I did happen to take a book of his essays on my gap here, which I know is... I just told these guys backstage. One of those guys was going to mention it,
Starting point is 00:22:37 so I'm going to get in there. Which drug were you taking? Where do you read them? The essays themselves were my drug, James. What am I on? I'm on Chapter 3. I mean, they didn't come in chapters, but whatever. You know, in shopping centres
Starting point is 00:22:57 where the fish eat your dead skin? I've had that once, and all I could think while I was having it was reincarnation and just looking at the guy, what the fuck did you do in your last life that you have come back to eat my feet? I had it once,
Starting point is 00:23:13 and I think I've told you guys this, but I had it once in Cambodia, and they had to ask me to take my feet out of the pond, because you put your feet in with, like, five other people, and my feet are so disgusting that they were all coming to my feet, and no one else was getting their money's worth.
Starting point is 00:23:29 I actually... There's a real, real, actually, low point pride-wise for me. OK, it's time for fact number two about Anna Tyshinski, and that is Andy. Well, my fact is a crowdsourced fact. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:54 So, as you know, there's a discord. If you don't know discord, it's a website where you chat about stuff. Is that what it is? Why did you bother explaining if you have no idea? It's a forum. It's a forum to chat. It's a forum to chat. There is a fish discord, the fishcord,
Starting point is 00:24:10 and as part of Anna's commemoration episode. Morning episode, I think, yeah. Morning sickness. Hey. Dan, I think you... Dan, you asked
Starting point is 00:24:26 for some of Anna's best bits. Yeah. And asked what listeners, you know, fish fans wanted to hear again. I mean, various bits. A compilation of Anna saying her own surname correctly. When do you say your own surname? Yeah, I don't know if you can make a
Starting point is 00:24:41 compilation out of that. You can certainly make a compilation of the evolution of my pronunciation of your surname. Yeah. A lot of people got quite sad when you evolved from pronouncing it. Well, as some people said wrongly, Trzynski to Tyszynski. Well, yeah, and I always say that it was a bit of a...
Starting point is 00:24:57 It was a bit unfair on me because you were right here to tell me I was saying it wrong for about six years, and no one did. No one did. Your dad didn't, your mum didn't. Any time any of your family came to our show, no one would say, no one would be able to pronounce the surname correctly. No one said anything. And yours was a surname
Starting point is 00:25:13 that I specifically, if I would say, like, next fact is James, next fact is Andy. I would say, next fact, Trzynski. I would always say your surname. So it was always coming up. But I think, do you remember them? Oh, Larry really liked it, because then he had the Schreiber and Trzynski cops,
Starting point is 00:25:29 maybe who were trying to find the president's anus. New York cops. Yeah. We got to get to the bottom of this big laundry bill. Oh, nice. What's your pronunciation? I say Trzynski, but you can also say Trzynski, or a lot of people do say Trzynski, and it's weird
Starting point is 00:25:45 that people assume that's the way you could say it. It's quite different starting with a chup. You don't call it a charodactyl, do you? I don't know, or a charmagon. But I should say for actual Polish listeners that it's Ptazinski, so you're supposed to say the p. So I don't pronounce it right, either. And I sort of should also be Ptazinska,
Starting point is 00:26:03 because I'm a girl. Oh, no way. I am. What? I don't remember this suggestion for a clip to play. Episode 342, no such thing as a presidential fight club. Anna refers to a child as a wimp because he had asthma.
Starting point is 00:26:19 And that child, ladies and gentlemen, grew up to be a podcaster, and drew her somewhere. There's probably some context that I haven't seen the reports of that myself, and I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation, but I'm going to refer it to a committee, so you will investigate. You'll end up being suspended for nine months.
Starting point is 00:26:39 It's perfect. It's so funny what people remember. One person wrote, I can't remember which episode. They've literally banked this in their head. I can't remember which episode, but Anna calling Matanus to Tunis, mootie tootie,
Starting point is 00:26:55 lives rent free in my brain. I can't remember that. I don't remember this bit at all, and neither does the person who said it. I don't remember the episode, but it was about some female animal drinking semen, and Anna was like, yeah, relatable. Sometimes the tap is just too far away.
Starting point is 00:27:15 Don't recall that. Just a few times at uni, and terrible hangovers. As a cop by the bed, what are you going to do? Fill me up love before you go? But then do go. You've had a lot of feedback about your kind of quite
Starting point is 00:27:37 dirtyish potty mouth, I would say. I feel like I'm the least potty. I think people just notice it more when you do it. I think that's it. Everyday sexism. Actually, there's a bit of a debate,
Starting point is 00:27:53 about you, Anna. One person says, if you go back and listen to the first year's episodes, Anna is so restrained and polite in comparison, and then she gets comfortable, and the sarcasm starts to flow. Someone has replied to that saying, I'm on episode 39,
Starting point is 00:28:09 she has never been polite. I think there is one episode, I remember editing it, where you're polite for about two thirds of the episode, and then for the final third of the episode, you just go completely off the rails. That was the point of champagne before the show. That wasn't the only one, one of our first live shows.
Starting point is 00:28:25 I think it might have been our actual first live show, or maybe our second. It was a Christmas one, and it was at Aces and Aces, in North London. And you can pinpoint the exact second that the champagne hits. What's confusing is that I'm sure Dan and I drunk points of champagne for that,
Starting point is 00:28:41 and I also am sure that Dan is more of a lightweight than I am. But the difference is that Dan is never coherent. I can't tell. Exactly, I'm bulletproof. I'm drunk now, no one's noticed. Episode 261,
Starting point is 00:28:57 Dan's talking about Scott of the Antarctic taking two gramophones with him. Anna, he was a fucking idiot, wasn't he? You've got to stand by that. It's not surprising you died. You didn't take two gramophones. Edmondson. I hate saying that name so much.
Starting point is 00:29:19 I could never say it. I know. Amundson. I don't know why I see it coming up in my head. Is this how you feel down with all words? Yeah, I do. I see them coming up on the page, and you've got to make a decision.
Starting point is 00:29:35 You're either going to try and pronounce it correctly, get it wrong, and chicken out, and get it wrong just for that, or you've just got to run through it. It reminds me, and I know this is a podcast about Anna, but it does remind me of the first audiobook that we did, which was just after
Starting point is 00:29:51 you'd had your first baby and were very short on sleep, and Dan kept pronouncing the word January, February. Like six times. We were like, Dan, you said February. Can you just do it again? February.
Starting point is 00:30:09 It was remarkable. It was really something. You had to change the whole article in the end, didn't you? It was something that happened in February. I used to love those books because they were the books of the year, and it was like things that happened between January and December that year. Obviously, the book came out in November,
Starting point is 00:30:25 so it's usually January to September or October. September, yeah. But, and they used to always come in with things that happened the previous year. And Anna would be like, no, this was last year. And he's like, yeah, but it was late 20... Come on, it was December. My reasoning here is that you're doing one of these books a year.
Starting point is 00:30:41 Each book has to have a 12 month catchment area. It's the book of not the calendar year, but the school year or the school year. The financial year. That's right, the school year. It started in September. Everyone understands, otherwise you're knocking out a third
Starting point is 00:30:57 of your own material. Why didn't we name it the book of the school year, actually? I'm so honest. The book of the financial year would have really set those sales rocketing. We got one last one, Andy. Anna is among the 10% of people who can lick their own nose.
Starting point is 00:31:13 What? We did a... She's doing it. We did a fact about Buddha and how Buddha could stick his tongue through into his ear, that was it. Yeah, and then you showed us that.
Starting point is 00:31:29 And had lots of other stuff that I don't have though. Weird body part anomalies. I also actually have a lot, but they're less sort of magical than Buddha's. And more like get medical help. That's good though, touching your nose. I can't do that. I think I'm tongue tied.
Starting point is 00:31:45 Oh, really? And that's why you're so bad at breastfeeding, isn't it? Yes. But I'm still trying. Good on you. That's a bristly experience, Dan. You're very bearded.
Starting point is 00:32:01 That's a rough... It's a rough... Highly sanded boobs. The nipples almost gone all together. Just a flat... Bloody hell. Potato.
Starting point is 00:32:17 Flat potato. Can we have some more of Anna, please? Classic Czazinski. OK, well, I'll have a look on the archives. Let's see if we can find some of the things that you've mentioned in the next little Anna compilation. Stop the podcast. Stop the podcast.
Starting point is 00:32:37 Hi, everybody. Just wanted to let you know we are sponsored this week by LinkedIn Jobs. That's right, LinkedIn Jobs. This is the place where if you are a business and you've got a space going and you need to find the right person for the job, you can head here to hone it down
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Starting point is 00:33:57 a job for free. Terms and conditions you'll be relieved to hear apply. OK. On with the show. On with the podcast. My fact is that the way to recognize the Buddha is to look out for his webbed feet a tongue that can reach his ears
Starting point is 00:34:17 and withdrawn genitalia. That's a good excuse on a date. No, no, no. It's not small. I'm just I'm the Buddha. I'm the reincarnated Buddha. Oh yeah, then show me your tongue because I could get on board with this. I read that female beetles
Starting point is 00:34:37 they quench their thirst through sex and it's because of the semen and the fluids in the semen because they get very dehydrated and so when they have sex it's actually just like having a drink for them. That's the reason we all do it. Sometimes the tap is too far away.
Starting point is 00:35:03 A few people who were farmers who were involved in castrating lambs when they were born got very ill very quickly and there was 12 people who got ill but they worked out that two of them got ill because they were castrating with an old method that still goes on these days
Starting point is 00:35:19 not completely but in the 1800s all the time they castrate using their teeth so these are humans who go and two of these guys were castrating these lambs with their teeth and they got very ill
Starting point is 00:35:35 One of my best friends has done that in Australia. Really? Did they get ill? Well he's pretty insane but he's not sick. I think he is sick. And they go by on a conveyor belt and you lie underneath them and you just whip him off on by one.
Starting point is 00:35:51 Were you come up like Jaws? You just bite off their balls? Is your friend Australian? He lived in Australia for a year. But he was British. Feels like they kind of saw him coming didn't they? Yeah we all do this mate. This guy looks like he'll bite the balls off anything.
Starting point is 00:36:09 I just don't get wrestling. It doesn't make any sense to me because I covered it before on this podcast and I find it impossible to research because everything you read about it you're like is this real? Did this really happen?
Starting point is 00:36:25 The confusion of real sport and fake acting is bewildering. There's this fight between him and Hulk Hogan which was this really famous fight and apparently it was super controversial. It was in 1988 and there was a referee, a famous referee
Starting point is 00:36:41 called Dave Hebner who was wrestling matches and he happened to have an identical twin who they tracked down for this match. The referee had an identical twin. He didn't really I think. No he did really. I've seen the actual pictures
Starting point is 00:36:57 either he did or there's some amazing photo shopping going on but he had this identical twin and so Andre the Giant's agent got Dave who was supposed to referee the match locked him in a cupboard and then bribed Earl with an identical twin to referee the game instead
Starting point is 00:37:13 and he did and then he made Andre the Giant one and then Dave broke out of his closet and then him and his identical twin brother had a big fight afterwards in front of the crowd. I really want to hear Anna doing the commentary of WWF.
Starting point is 00:37:29 I don't understand any of this. Is that real? There's story lines. You go to the theatre all the time are you standing up? No, because in the write ups of the theatre it doesn't say and there was an incredibly controversial moment
Starting point is 00:37:45 when Hamlet's mother remarried Hamlet's uncle and the audience can be like okay this is a story. Was it controversial or was it all made up? It's all made up. It's all made up.
Starting point is 00:38:01 Then why is it controversial? It's controversial in the world of wrestling. Which is a fake world. Now you're getting it. No, it is weird how it's presented as true. It's so weird. There is a synopsis. Normally when you go out of the play, the thing doesn't keep happening out.
Starting point is 00:38:19 No, but I just think it's amazing that we found the edge of Anna's comfort zone. I never thought we'd get there. Who would know as pro wrestling is fake. The town choir championships. I just think this is so amazing that these kind of things have the budget for this.
Starting point is 00:38:37 I've been there once. Did not place. What? Do you know where they were held, the last ones? The one I went to was in either Lancashire or Yorkshire, I can't remember. The last one was in Bermuda, so I feel like... Do you ever get the feeling you chose the wrong year?
Starting point is 00:39:01 I mean, who was paying for town choir? It's good. Anyway, this year it's the first time a Brit has won the town choir championship. It was very exciting. Mark Wiley beat off 24 other championships. And they were like, oh, yay!
Starting point is 00:39:31 It's one of the requirements these days. He actually said... For legal reasons, we have to correct that. Sorry, he... So this guy won over and above 24 other contestants. What he won was
Starting point is 00:39:51 an awful lot of rum, he said. Which I needed for medicinal purposes. He explained which is understandable after the trauma he'd undergone. OK, it's time for fact number three. And that is my fact. My fact this week
Starting point is 00:40:09 is that we're sitting here in the Covent Garden office. This is an important room to us and it's the last time the four of us are ever going to be in this room together doing the podcast because Anna's going off and the offices are moving. But it's also important for another reason
Starting point is 00:40:25 because in 2022 Anna and I set a Guinness World Record right here in this room. We became the world record holders of the longest anyone has ever played. Keep the balloon in the air
Starting point is 00:40:41 tennis game between two people. That was amazing. In history. I remember that three weeks when you were doing that it was just because we were coming and we'd have to work around you. Record the podcast each week. Oh my god, it was so hard. It was tough, wasn't it? And not sleeping.
Starting point is 00:40:57 The third week I was really surprised you were still doing it. That was the rehearsal when we actually did it. It was 80 minutes we lost. 80 minutes for keeping the balloon in the air. Do you still have that record? We've been beaten.
Starting point is 00:41:13 Yep, we've been beaten. Someone beat us by 8 seconds. I would argue an unfair advantage. They had a giant balloon. It was the size of a beach ball. There should be a restriction on balloon size. You should have read the small print. But one thing we did manage to do is make it into a physical Guinness World Record
Starting point is 00:41:29 book. There's a picture of me and Anna in the Guinness World Records, 2023. That's not us. Oh there, sorry. I was going to get that bloke below. Who was the chicken in your mind when I was a man holding a chicken?
Starting point is 00:41:45 Is that Irving Finkel above you? That is Irving Finkel. And what does it say? Oldest depiction of a ghost. You're really on the best page here, aren't you? Well, what you'll notice as well is I'm responsible for that ghost getting the Guinness World Record. Tell us how. I took Craig Glende, who is the Guinness
Starting point is 00:42:01 World Records Editor-in-Chief, to the British Museum to meet the world's oldest ghost to give it a Guinness World Record. I wonder if you're the only person in that book then who's got two world records. Is Usain Bolt in there? You don't claim the same world record as Irving Finkel. You didn't find the oldest ghost.
Starting point is 00:42:17 No, no. I found the guy with the oldest ghost. Can I just have a quick look at it? Guinness World Records 2023. And it's about an event that happened in 2022. Oh, and this is maybe the most successful book in history? Oh. Okay.
Starting point is 00:42:33 Maybe it's alright sometimes. Yeah, but so we did that. We did that here in this room. This ghost was depicted 2,500 years ago. Yes, the world's oldest ghost is not going to have appeared in 2023. Yeah, and Anna, that's for you because I know you don't have a copy.
Starting point is 00:42:55 How do you know that? Because obviously you don't have a copy. You're not interested in this kind of stuff. So yeah, we're forcing a copy onto you. We cheated, didn't we? We didn't cheat. What are you talking about? We're friends with Craig, who's fantastic,
Starting point is 00:43:11 who organizes all the Guinness stuff. And he gave us a tip-off that no one's tried to break this category, but it is a category. So as long as you get over an hour. We did it in a few minutes more than we needed to. Which showed a lot of commitment because it was pub time by then. It's right. And Anna drank the whole way through.
Starting point is 00:43:27 There's a big glass of wine in her hand. I think I had a beer, but it was... I can't quite remember now. It was daunting. It was very scary keeping a balloon in the air, wasn't it? Do you remember the... I'm sorry. What is riding on it really?
Starting point is 00:43:43 There was a bomb inside. It touches the ground. He did it. It was a sign that was just Dan Schreiber for almost two hours. The record should have been the person who spent the most time with Dan Schreiber. Even the ghost pissed off after 20 minutes.
Starting point is 00:43:59 I'll tell you what, there's been a lot of adventures where Anna has been the kind of the butt of the story, I would say, to an extent. Like Little Adventures. The Garfield Danes of the story. We will be missing the ass soon. What are you talking about?
Starting point is 00:44:15 I get a bit upset because I wasn't there for some of my favourite ones and James was. James, you two have had quite a few adventures. Well, there was the time that Anna flipped over her bike by canal, knocked her teeth out and you had to rescue her outside a pub. I wouldn't say I rescued her. I took her to the hospital.
Starting point is 00:44:31 That was very nice of you, because they didn't have a phone on me or anything and so I had to wait for a pass by to come. Who do you think knocked you off the body? Can I just say on that, it's quite funny because we're in A&E and we were just sat there waiting for you to be seen and you just
Starting point is 00:44:49 come back from Ireland. You've been on holiday in Ireland and you were telling me a story about what had happened and for some reason you'd upset someone who ran a shop and you upset this woman so much that she started shouting at you saying, who the hell do you think
Starting point is 00:45:05 you are? And when you told me the story, you said it in a really thick Irish accent. I could do it now. But you said it just as the doctor was coming from behind you to say, Anna Tyshinski, where are you? And so all he saw was me
Starting point is 00:45:21 and you, you with your face covered in blood and you yelling at me. Who the hell do you think you are? And we just looked like some kind of domestic abuse couple. Oh my God. Yes, we're working on our issues. Just fix my jaw.
Starting point is 00:45:37 Let's get out of here. Then you go to an English accent and think, okay, she's seriously wobbly. Something's happened. We need to keep her in. Who's the president? Or the T-sock, you know. But the best story
Starting point is 00:45:53 and I don't know if you're going to say it. I just want to tear it up and say, I hope you'll say it. And it's the regret of my life I wasn't there for it is when James and Anna went to a university in order to tell the students canterbury and I stayed the night in a hotel
Starting point is 00:46:09 and Anna got a bit drunk. I don't think I should tell the story. I don't know. I'll tell you what I remember of it which is James and I went and yeah, Alan Davies was doing a show at Canterbury. I think he just got like an honorary degree
Starting point is 00:46:25 or something like that. Yes, he had. So he was being interviewed and it was great and so we went for some moral support. Me, James, Alan and John Lloyd. Alan went to support himself. Do you know what I'm going to come along for moral support?
Starting point is 00:46:41 Afterwards we had quite a lot to drink in some hotel bar and we were staying in this place that was actually next to the cathedral which was awesome. It was almost like part of the cathedral, wasn't it? It was kind of appended to it. Certainly a place where I wouldn't do anything that God might judge
Starting point is 00:46:57 adversely. So great night. I guess at about three o'clock we sort of went to and retired to bed and I have this thing in the morning. Bloody hell. I didn't know that. I thought it was all happening around 11pm, 11.30,
Starting point is 00:47:13 three. Andy's always stopped at that bit of the story. Just John. Can't hear anything else. So I really love looking round places and sneaking into places that maybe I'm not supposed to be in and disuse rooms and buildings
Starting point is 00:47:29 and sometimes use buildings. And so I wasn't really tired and I thought I'd go for a wander. So I remember first of all, pushing open a lot of doors in my hotel corridor to see what opened. I managed to get into a sort of weird garden out of a
Starting point is 00:47:45 fire escape and then climbing over a fence into the cathedral kind of the cathedral and then wandering around there. And then what happens often with me is you're drunk and you're in this place and you're not allowed to be in and you're like, well, I guess I'll go back now. I went over the fence, went back upstairs
Starting point is 00:48:01 and I pushed another door in the hotel and ended up in this lecture theatre where I sort of fanied around for a bit, looked in all the cupboards trying to see what I could see really. You found a lot of candy, didn't you? I found a lot of sweets. I found a massive bag of
Starting point is 00:48:17 different coloured sweets and I thought what would be so amusing would be if I took these all back to my room and I just took all the green ones out and then I just put it back in the room and that's going to freak the shit out of whoever comes to get
Starting point is 00:48:33 the sweets next time and also green is my favourite colour of sweet. So I spent about half an hour in my room with a huge bag taking out all the green sweets and then I went to put the bag of sweets back because I don't want to just steal people's sweets or people's sweets. And then
Starting point is 00:48:49 as I was leaving the room having replaced the bag of sweets I just saw this massive white board at the front of the room and so I thought OK, I'll just grab a marker pen and I wrote in big letters Yippie-ki-ay, mother fuckers in
Starting point is 00:49:05 capitals on this white board and then that was actually ideal timing because I heard someone coming down the corridor and doing a bit of a Oi! And what are you doing? And so then I legged it and it was a member of staff so I legged it back to my room and he sort of chased me. So then you went to bed, right?
Starting point is 00:49:21 I've been asleep this whole time. I woke up the next morning to check out and you were like a naughty schoolgirl sat in the corner of the reception being bollocked by someone. Yeah, it transpired. It was actually very unlucky
Starting point is 00:49:39 because it hadn't been a white board. It had been a built-in white screen that was part of the wall. I'd written on it in indelible, unremovable in large letters Yippie-ki-ay, mother fuckers. A diehard quote.
Starting point is 00:49:55 Do you remember that from the night before when I was chased by the security guard? I was going, it's a quote from diehard! To excuse it. I'm not saying Yippie-ki-ay, mother fuckers. It's a quote. Anyway, the push comes to shove the next morning at 9am
Starting point is 00:50:11 there was a church group who had booked that room. That did seem to be the truth of the matter. They walked in. Someone desperately scrubbing off. They couldn't scrub it off. They had to cover it up.
Starting point is 00:50:29 They had to cover it up with a curtain. And I was charged a small amount of money for the repairs to the room. In fact, probably, than your one small bag of laundry in New York City. Pretty good going. It was the funniest thing that I've ever experienced being on the train
Starting point is 00:50:45 coming back and you having to ring up our boss to tell them because I think it had come off the company credit cards or something so you knew that they were going to find out. No, they'd told our accountant at work so actually the first thing I knew was just empathize for a minute with me please.
Starting point is 00:51:01 I'd gone to bed incredibly drunk about four in the morning, my phone rang at 8am and I saw it was Liz, our lovely accountant and imagine the heart thinking when I saw Liz's name come up and I thought, I don't know what's that laughing rumble
Starting point is 00:51:17 and yeah, I picked up and the hotel had indeed called her. Yeah, it was tough. I thought it was going to be fired actually. We laugh now guys but this could have been the end of the podcast. Because I remember pretty much all the way from like, let's say, well for about half an hour on the train back you're like, I'm going to get fired, what are we going to do?
Starting point is 00:51:33 There'll be no more podcasts because I won't be able to do this anyway. Yeah, yeah, I'm probably going to prison. And to hell. Let's not forget the cathedrals right next door. Yeah, it's a great story. Anyway, good luck getting those stories out of these so-called guests you're having on in my house.
Starting point is 00:51:49 Is there a pass going to do that? Yeah, she probably would. She would have been up for it. Oh well, let's have, why don't we do one more batch of best of Anna and just hear a bit more from the greatest hits from the last nine years. Anna Tushinsky.
Starting point is 00:52:07 Stop the podcast. Stop the podcast. Hi everybody, just wanted to let you know we are sponsored this week by Babbel. Yes, that's right. Babbel is the incredible in your pocket app that allows you to learn dozens of languages curated by over 150
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Starting point is 00:53:27 and you will get an extra three months free with a purchase of a three month subscription. Amazing. Okay, on with the show. On with the show. I was having a look at the Reverend Rich Coles's autobiography, and he was saying,
Starting point is 00:53:47 it was just a throwaway line that I then looked into. He was saying that a lot of vickers have funny names, and he was saying he knew someone who insisted on everyone, even bishops, calling them the Reverend Gas. And so then I thought, I wonder what funny names there have been in the church over the years.
Starting point is 00:54:03 There's this blog, the blog of St. Chrysostom's Church in Manchester, and it's really good. You know when people put proper effort into like quite an obscure thing, and there's a piece on funny names of church leaders throughout history, and there are some such good ones. So I like this anecdote,
Starting point is 00:54:19 which is Henry Joy Fiennes Clinton, who was a rector in the early 20th century, who went to see the Bishop of London, and the bishop said, take a chair, Clinton, to which he replied, it's Fiennes Clinton. And the bishop said, in that case, take two. And so it's just, I think that's funny
Starting point is 00:54:35 from a bishop. It's Bishops Humour. It's Bishop Humour, yeah. OK, we won't get him on the podcast. It's just his audition tape, and I thought... Oh, come on, give us more zingers. OK. OK, what about this?
Starting point is 00:54:53 The very reverend Gonville-Obey French Baytag, but French is spelled with a small F, and two of them. Is that important for the anecdote? There's no anecdote. It's just the word
Starting point is 00:55:09 French spelled slightly differently. No, Anna, we want you to tell us every single one you've found. This is literally all I've got now. It's just... This is not very amusing names. OK, Father John Brabazin, Brabazin Loutha. Come on.
Starting point is 00:55:25 It's two Brabazins. Oh, my God. I'm just picturing Jimmy Carr at the Habersmith Apollo. The next act is a fucking killer act. She's got some amazing anecdotes. Anna Tashinsky, everybody. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.
Starting point is 00:55:41 Woo! We've got Father Page Turner. We've got Father Pickles. Page Turner, open with Page Turner. That's great. Father Pickles is funny as well. I'll reorder the set. Father Christmas?
Starting point is 00:55:57 OK. So that's the one I should stick with. Father Christmas. I don't think stick with any of it. Have you guys heard of St Andrew Undershaft? I can't believe... You just said it. They're way funnier than Anna's 20 days.
Starting point is 00:56:13 Just upstage the full day of work. I'm so sorry. I've been delving into church. I'm so sorry. This is right under your nose the whole time. On the subject of people being allergic to things. I went on to... I continued my search.
Starting point is 00:56:31 And I went to Yahoo Answers. Because people often ask questions. The best site on the internet. This was the... the question. So my girlfriend is allergic to almost every animal you'd find in a petting zoo. If she inhales air that is around a horse,
Starting point is 00:56:49 she can be hospitalized. Now, she loves giraffes. Does anyone think she'd be allergic to them too? I was thinking of surprising her on her birthday with a trip to the local zoo to pet a giraffe. And the reply, the top rated reply, because that's how it works on Yahoo Answers,
Starting point is 00:57:05 the most voted reply. If she's allergic to almost every animal I guarantee you the zoo will contain more than just giraffes. Why don't you do something less stupid? LAUGHTER So where did you take her in the end, then? I don't know. Britain's leading female table tennis player
Starting point is 00:57:31 is this woman, this girl called Tin Tin Ho. And do you guys... Can you guess why she's called that? She's got a quiff. Tin Tin. That's why I was... No, I've got a small dog called Snowy. Confusingly, it's not related to the character of Tin Tin.
Starting point is 00:57:47 Wait, she hangs out with an old fisherman called Captain Haddock. Again, it's not like a thing. She has a pair of twins that she hangs out with called the Thompson twins. You can't just stop us making Tin Tin jokes, Anna, immediately. Her father is called Hershey.
Starting point is 00:58:03 Right. As I have made quite clear, it's not related to Tin Tin. And there must be other avenues you can pursue. She's Belgian, no? I'm just going to tell you, OK? No, no, no, no, no, no. I feel like we're close. She's made of tin. Hey, he's found something different.
Starting point is 00:58:19 But incorrect. No, it's because her dad is obsessed with table tennis. Actually, that's kind of weird. It's coming, it's coming. I was so sure you were going to say, dad is obsessed with Tin Tin. I wish I hadn't brought this up.
Starting point is 00:58:37 He's obsessed with table, tennis, and the initials of table, tennis, are TT. So we call that Tin Tin. And in fact, her brother is called Ping. And she said there was, it was between her being called Tin Tin and her being called Pong
Starting point is 00:58:53 when she was born. And so she says that she is delighted that she didn't get bombed. You can't have two kids who call them Ping and Pong. The social services will get involved. You would think. ABBA. Oh, yeah. In 1976,
Starting point is 00:59:09 they had the number one spot for 39 weeks. And after 12 weeks of it, their version of Top of the Pops just stopped showing the music video because you've seen it for 12 weeks, guys. In Australia, that one. Yeah, fans absolutely rioted. And that was on the Australian version of Top of the Pops,
Starting point is 00:59:25 which was called Countdown. Yeah. When you say fans rioted. Did I say rioted? Yeah. I meant, were furious. One complaint was registered to the BBC. Generally, look, when they toured,
Starting point is 00:59:41 one mother ran and she put her baby down on the road so that their tour caravan would stop and she could get an autograph. There was a hotel which cut up their bedsheets after they'd left and they sold it via newspaper. They did that all the time. Yeah, they did that with the Beatles as well. I've got about six of them.
Starting point is 00:59:57 Not the baby thing, though. I just wanted to know we will not succumb to that kind of blackmail. If there's a baby in front of our tour bus, we're going straight over it. I think that's fish policy, right? It's very important to get that clear from the outset. That's good. It's very controversial the way they vote
Starting point is 01:00:19 in the Grammys. Oh, yeah. Because it's, well, until this year, it was super secret. It sounds quite exciting. And I think what used to happen was winners were decided by this like 12,000 strong Recording Academy bunch of voters.
Starting point is 01:00:35 But then I think partly because the awards just kept going so wrong and they just kept giving it to weird people. They had to change the rules and I think the straw that broke the camel's back came in the early 90s when Over at Album of the Year was up and Bruce Springsteen's Born in the USA was released and
Starting point is 01:00:51 Princess Purple Rain was released and Lionel Richie's Can't Slow Down won and everyone said we didn't like that. That's not as good as the other two. And so they formed a secret committee which basically goes through all the 12,000 votes and takes out the duds. Because actually you would think that
Starting point is 01:01:07 having a larger group, 12,000 would be more likely to give you a democratic answer, right? Yeah. But a democratic answer isn't necessarily the best answer, James. Is that not right? That's my view. And my one-way ticket to Russia has just come through.
Starting point is 01:01:23 Anyway, people got quite pissed off by the secret committee because no one knew how they voted or why they voted and there's someone called The Weekend, I think. Oh, The Weekend. Oh, right. Well, it's spelled The Weekend. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:39 This show has certainly weakened Over at Album of the Year, hasn't it? Yeah, so it's spelled like Weekend. Anyway, but without any. Well, with two E's. But not three. Anyway, The Weekend got annoyed that he hadn't got nominated. I think it's pronounced The Weekend.
Starting point is 01:02:01 Ladies and gentlemen, The Weekend. I just, I want a new podcast where we give Anna the name of all the partners that are in the charts and see if she can pronounce them. They've asked me to read out the nominations next year. I'm quite nervous now. Lil Nas the Tenth.
Starting point is 01:02:19 I didn't know there were nine other Lil Nases. I know how to artificially inseminate a cow based on researching for this podcast. Cool. I think 75% of dairy cows in this country when they have to be inseminated, they get inseminated just by semen rather than the actual bull.
Starting point is 01:02:35 And for some reason, I found myself reading this really in-depth farmer's guide to how to do it. And what I didn't realize was, so you get a semen gun, which you put the semen in. How did you bring your semen gun to a gunfight? No.
Starting point is 01:02:51 Damn it. You bring your semen gun to the insemination fight. But what you do is you have to... So there are two entries into a cow. So it's much like humans. Yeah. You've got the...
Starting point is 01:03:07 Oh, sorry. There are three now. We're in Devon. Something tells me you're not the biggest expert in this room on the number of ways into a cow. What? I know that people in Devon know all these secret ways,
Starting point is 01:03:23 but there are two entries... LAUGHTER There were two entries into the back of a cow, officially. And so, you know, one is the rectum as we all have. Stop, Professor. Let me write this down. LAUGHTER
Starting point is 01:03:41 Children, wouldn't you be quiet? You've got the rectum, and then you've got the sex tubes, and they're different... LAUGHTER Right, the cervix. But what you do is, amazingly, when you're inseminating a cow,
Starting point is 01:03:57 you obviously have to stick the gun in the cervix. But the way you navigate the gun into the uterine horns, as they're called, is you have to put your other arm that's not holding the gun into the rectum. LAUGHTER
Starting point is 01:04:13 It's so amazing. When they say you shove your arm into the rectum, insert your arm into the rectum, get someone else to hold the cow's tail aside while you do this. It would be a bold farmer who tried using one foot to pin the cow's tail. LAUGHTER
Starting point is 01:04:29 This is the worst game of Twister I've ever played. LAUGHTER It says left hand sex tubes. LAUGHTER Anyway, look, it feels like this lesson isn't going to end, so you essentially use your rectum arm to navigate
Starting point is 01:04:49 your semen gun, which is in the vaginal canal, and you push it through. So you've got your arm in the rectum, and it's pushing against the other canal so that it gets into the uterus, and it's called rectovaginal insemination. And that's lesson over.
Starting point is 01:05:05 Enjoy. APPLAUSE MUSIC Well, there we go. There it is. Some of the best of Anna Tyshinski's best bits. I was trying to think, you know, is there some way that we could
Starting point is 01:05:23 keep a bit of you here, you know? Oh, God! Is there some way... We want her to give us the finger. Just in spirit, you know? She's been metaphorically giving everyone the finger for the last nine years. I'll tell you what, though. I thought hard about it.
Starting point is 01:05:39 I thought, how do we keep a bit of Anna here? And I worked it out. I suddenly remembered the weirdest story I have ever heard involving Anna Tyshinski, and it is this. There was a Christmas party that Anna once went to, and part of the party, they said,
Starting point is 01:05:55 we're going to do a really fun thing. We're going to do a raffle. You're just going to take a ticket, and you're going to get a present, so everyone bring a present so you can give it to someone. So I was talking to the friend today who I bumped into. She gave a scarf, for example. Normal things. Normal things were handed around.
Starting point is 01:06:11 This person, whose name is Lenny, received her number and received her prize in the raffle. I've never met Lenny. This is the prize that Anna had donated. It is her teeth. Oh, my God! That fell out of her mouth.
Starting point is 01:06:27 Lenny hasn't treasured and kept the teeth. WTS. She has. They're in her home. I went to her home today to pick it up. Lenny didn't know who Anna was. She opens up her present, and there are teeth from one of the other party members there. Were these the teeth that got knocked out
Starting point is 01:06:43 when James went to get you from... Yeah. They got removed. I thought they were in the canal. They're in the canal. We weren't looking for them. The fully knocked out ones were in the canal, and they were the ones that had to get taken out later. Bloody hell.
Starting point is 01:06:59 So Anna thought it would be normal to give, in a raffle prize, her teeth away. Now, Polly, who is the partner of Lenny, tried to get rid of Anna's teeth to begin with because she has a fear of teeth. She literally hates the tapping of teeth as the worst present that could have arrived into the house.
Starting point is 01:07:15 Sorry, Polly. But as a result, for the last couple of years since they've had these teeth, Lenny hides your teeth all over the house to surprise Polly. If she goes to sleep, she'll put it under her pillow. If she's opening a pencil case, and then they almost got given away
Starting point is 01:07:31 in another raffle very recently, but Lenny decided to keep them because she was having too much time. How much did you pay for those, and have you told your wife? But so, now, while you're gone, you are here. There'll be a bit of Anna always with us. What we're going to do is we're going to make Sarah Pasco
Starting point is 01:07:47 put some of those. Every time there's a guest, we're going to make them shove them into their face. It's going to make the book sound very weird, isn't it? But it's worth it to get a bit of me. That my teeth have had such a life beyond me, actually. I know. It's really exciting. It's a weird story, Dan.
Starting point is 01:08:03 You're responsible too, Anna. James is the only one who gets off Scott for it. No, actually, you were involved in the losing of the teeth. I was not. I'm the only one here who doesn't have any involvement with this mad, batshit, teeth raffle story. You will. I won't.
Starting point is 01:08:19 You're the next chapter. Anyway, let's wrap up. That is it. That is all of our facts. Thank you so much for listening. If you want to get in contact with any of us about the weird ass stories that we've said over the course of this podcast,
Starting point is 01:08:35 we can all be found on our Twitter accounts. I'm on at Shriverland, Andy. At Andrew Hunter M. James. Hi, James Harkin. And Anna. No, you don't say anything. You're gone. Yeah, I'm at candymultiplecast.qi.com but good luck me ever seeing it. Yeah. And you'll see it. We'll do a good impersonation
Starting point is 01:08:51 when you reply. Yeah, that's right. You'll be wearing the teeth every time you reply to an email. I'll time the emails all to go out between 3 and 5 a.m. Everyone will end Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. Yeah, we're going to our group account at no such thing. And we'll be back again next week
Starting point is 01:09:07 with a really exciting guest as part of our big rotation of awesome guests starting with Sarah Pasco. And we'll be back with that episode next week. We'll see you then. Goodbye. Thanks for watching.

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