No Such Thing As A Fish - 86: No Such Thing As Ghost Nipples
Episode Date: November 6, 2015Dan, James, Andy and special guest Mark Mason discuss coronation attire, Ancient Egyptian pornography and competitive puddle-jumping. ...
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Hello, and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast coming
to you from the QI offices in Covent Garden.
My name is Dan Schreiber, I'm sitting here with James Harkin, Andy Murray, and today's
special guest, it's author of a new book called Male Obsession, it's Mark Mason.
And once again, we have gathered around the microphones with our four favorite facts
from the last seven days, and in no particular order, here we go.
Starting with you, Andy Murray.
My fact is that for the Queen's coronation, people dressed up as television sets.
It's past the giggle test, Andy.
So this is, I read this in an article by the historian Kate Williams in The Observer, and
it seems to come from a book of policemen's memoirs, one of the first female beat police
officers wrote a book of memoirs about her experiences, and she describes it, and I think
a couple of other sources say it as well.
So this is because it was such a huge thing for it to be televised.
Televisions were bought in huge numbers across the country for the coronation.
I think 20 million people watched, and on average, there were 17 people watching each
TV set.
And I think of TVs at the time, they were tiny, you know, screens a few inches from corner
to corner.
So you would just go to the person in your street who had a TV, and you'd say, yeah.
Do you know what went up in sales as well?
No.
So TVs went up massively in sales, and so did massive magnifying glasses, so that they
could magnify it so that more people could come and see.
Really?
I got that from Kate Williams' Twitter stream.
They were specially made, weren't they?
They made special rectangular ones that were made to fit onto the front of the casing for
your television, which, of course, in those days was a big piece of furniture.
Yeah, they made them specially.
That is fantastic.
The thing about TVs going up in numbers is definitely true.
But in 1950, there were 400,000 TV licenses.
In 51, there were 700,000, and in 53, there were 1,100,000.
So they did go up when the coronation was on, but actually, they had been going up for
quite a long time, so it wasn't just the coronation that caused a big increase in TV sales.
Got it.
Right.
I think it's true that the one part of the ceremony that wasn't shown, because it would
be seen as too...
You know, there was a big debate about whether you should be televising something like this
full stop to demean the occasion, but they didn't show the actual coronation moment where
the crown's put on her head.
I think that was actually tradition, though, because I read about this, where they hold
the canopy above her head, and it's a secret part.
No one knows what happens in that part.
I think I have a good idea, which is that the crown goes onto the head.
No, no, because there's more, because there's the spoon, and the spoon...
You have to explain.
The Archbishop of Canterbury spoons the Queen.
Orking.
So is it only the Archbishop and the Queen under the canopy at that point?
What?
Yeah.
All we know is what we can make out from the silhouettes of the flashlights going on on
the inside, but there's definitely a spoon.
That's what we see.
So the ceremonial spoon comes out, and oil is poured.
Anointing oil.
Anointing oil.
I think.
And apparently it's the only surviving thing from the Middle Ages.
This is part of the tradition, it's the only thing that's made its way through.
He anoints her forehead, her breast, and her hands.
But you saying that during the coronation, the Archbishop of Canterbury oiled up the
Queen's breast according to what I read, yeah.
What is definitely true about the Archbishop of Canterbury on that occasion, 1953, was that
he had to give the Queen a push to get her started.
When she practised, she pinned heavy curtains to her shoulders to simulate the coronation
rope.
When it came to the real thing, the coronation ropes were even heavier than she expected,
and she couldn't get them, because she's quite a small woman, she was 20, whatever
she was then, she whispered to the Archbishop of Canterbury, give me a shot, I think the
exact phrase was to get me started, that's it.
Give me a shot.
Wow, that's very cool.
More on the Archbishop at the time, who was a very interesting guy, George Fisher.
So he was dead against it being televised for a number of reasons, he thought it might
demean the occasion, and he really wanted people to join in for the hymn if they were
watching at home and stand up for the homage part of the ceremony.
And there was so much debate about this all across the country, one MP said in the House
of Commons, might there even be something unseemly in the chance that a viewer could
watch this solemn and significant service with a cup of tea at his elbow?
I learned the fact that they installed extra toilets in the app, because there were so
many guests and also TV crews and everyone working on it, they installed extra toilets
at the Abbey and then did a sound check to check that if by chance they were all flushed
at the same time, the BBC's microphones wouldn't pick them up.
Wow.
That's preparation.
That is preparation.
And the choir boys were given packed lunches containing peanut butter and marmalade sandwiches
to have the opposite effect from making them go to it, they wanted to bung them up so they
wouldn't need to go to the toilet.
And they were also given really big drinks canisters so that once they'd had their drink,
if they needed to you to refill that drinks canister, it would save them having to have
it.
No.
Did they find out what the sound of 200 choir boys peeing into that canister sounded like?
Could the BBC mics pick that up?
Yeah.
I think this is quite well known, but I didn't know it.
Keith Richards was one of the choir boys at the Coronation.
What I'm afraid, it turns out that Keith was certainly a great choir boy, certainly sang
for the Queen, but they think a couple of years later it wasn't actually at the Coronation
canister, which is so disappointing.
Has no one asked him?
They have, but no one can understand the answer.
I think he would have been six at the time.
He was born, he would have been a bit younger.
This is where my inner nerd comes out.
He was born December the 18th, 1943.
So yeah, he would have been nine.
I think he would have been the right age then.
Oh yeah, he was certainly in the ballpark, but not in the Abbey.
That was so nerdy Mark coming onto our podcast.
If anyone has not read Keith Richards autobiography, it's fine.
In my mind, it's the best book.
No, mine's just out.
It's the second best book.
No, yours is out as well.
It's the third best book of the 21st century.
We got two out this year.
And it's the fourth best book, keep going.
There's one cool bit of the Coronation which didn't happen for Victoria.
In fact, Victoria was the first person it didn't happen for.
So have you heard about the Queen's Champion?
No.
OK, so in medieval coronations, and Victoria's was the first coronation this didn't happen
for.
So everyone before then it happened.
The Queen's Champion or the King's Champion is a noble.
And for the post-coronation banquet, this person would come in in full armour and throw
down his gauntlet and then challenge anyone to a fight if they said the sovereign was
not fit to rule or didn't have the right to rule.
Wow.
I think we should bring that back.
It's so good.
I reckon Brian blessed his bonfire.
Yes, exactly.
There is still a Queen's Champion.
So it's a hereditary position, even though they don't do any correlations anymore.
He's called Francis and he's a chartered accountant.
His full name is Francis John Fain Marmian Dimmock.
And as far as I can tell, as it's hereditary title, he is the current Queen's Champion.
Oh, does he look like?
He just looks like a nice man.
You can't actually tell how he looks because he's wearing a full suit of armour at all
times.
Do we know how to the accountant's office?
Who challenges the Queen's right to rule?
Of course, the one thing that did happen at the Queen's coronation dinner that hadn't
happened before was that her mother, as she became the Queen mother, wouldn't let her
have too much to drink.
She said, remember, you have to rain all afternoon.
She didn't want her daughter getting drunk.
And also, of course, coronation chicken was invented for the occasion.
That's where it gets its name.
It was specially created.
Although it's very similar to jubilee chicken, which was invented a few years earlier for
the silver jubilee of George V, which is basically chicken with mayonnaise and spices, and pretty
much exactly the same thing.
But then they, let's say, reinvented it for the coronation.
So I always call it jubilee chicken when I go.
Can I have a jubilee chicken panino, please?
Do you know that on that day when they dressed in, as TV sets, that's not the only thing
that they dressed as?
They dressed as Mount Everest as well.
Yeah.
Well, it had been conquered the day before.
Exactly.
And the news had come through.
So they were celebrating a number of things and Mount Everest was a massive celebration.
So people were dressed as TV sets and Mount Everest.
That's amazing.
Yeah.
What a big news day.
Yeah.
Everest and the coronation on the same day.
That's massive.
Yeah.
Do you know there's a conspiracy that we didn't, that Hillary didn't get to the top of Mount
Everest?
Really?
Yeah.
And it's actually really interesting, the reason why.
So the way that the news got broken to the British public was via a journalist called
James Morris, who has changed sex and is now Jan Morris, one of the most famous travel
writers alive.
Now Jan Morris got the scoop, was there when Hillary came down, when he said the word,
we knocked the bastard off George and got the scoop.
Now here's the thing, she didn't know how to get, or he at the time, didn't know how
to get the message back without it being infiltrated and then spread around the world
because he wanted the scoop.
So what he ended up sending was a coded message that he'd prearranged to be sent back.
And this was the message that actually went back.
The message went, snow conditions bad, stop, advance base abandoned yesterday, stop, awaiting
improvement.
So the message was to say that they haven't made it.
Wow.
And people actually think that he was telling the truth there.
The message did he send if they didn't make it then.
Good news everyone.
That's a good point.
Yeah.
OK, time for fact number two, and that is James.
OK, my fact this week is that the world puddle jumping championships bans fizzy drinks in
case they improve participants' performance.
Talk us through the science behind it, James.
Well, it's weird because on QI, we have said that fizzy drinks don't make children more
hyperactive and in the world puddle jumping championships, it's usually children.
In fact, it's always children taking part.
But they think that if you give them fizzy drinks, then they will become more excitable,
more hyperactive, and it could enable them to jump higher and make bigger splashes than
other competitors.
And they don't want to encourage people to drink fizzy drinks because it's not good for
you.
And so they've decided to ban it.
I think that's very sweet, apart from the ban element of it.
It could be a placebo thing, couldn't it?
If you've heard your parents and read in the news that it makes you jump better, then that
could have an effect.
Well, what we've said on QI, and I can't remember quite the science behind it, is that
the children actually act exactly the same, but it's the adults who then kind of fuss
around them and think, oh, they're hyperactive, they're hyperactive.
And when you get someone who's watching the events happening, who doesn't know whether
or not they've had fizzy drinks, they can't tell the difference with the children.
How do they monitor it, though?
Like, how do you test for fizzy drinks?
Is it a pee sample?
I think they just ban them from the general area of the competition, so maybe you could
like, stock up on Red Bull the night before.
Yeah, that's true.
Well, I was reading the Metro newspaper, I covered this, and the line they used was,
this is not the first time sporting contests have been marred by doping associations.
Lance Armstrong was stripped of seven.
So what they do is, it's based on height of jump, enthusiasm, distance of splash and
stickability, which is the amount of mud which clings to each competitor.
All those different things.
My favourite element of that is enthusiasm, it's being marred.
That's basically code for, as with any event where you're giving prizes to kids, the one
that looks most likely to burst into tears if it doesn't win, gets the win, because
you just don't want a scene.
And it'd be good in the Olympics if the most enthusiastic competitor said that something.
In the Tour de France, they'll give it whoever is the most aggressive on the day, they'll
give a prize to even if they don't win.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, someone who's like kicked other bicyclists off the track.
No, aggression in this case means that you're making attacks earlier and trying to move the
race onwards.
Yeah, right.
Okay.
The whole notion of jumping, I forget all this thing about cricket being in the Olympics,
I want the campaign to put the standing long jump back into the Olympics, because it used
to be in until 1912, I think.
And the record is still going, even though not in the Olympics.
The record for the standing long jump was broken earlier this year, 23rd of February
2015, the Dallas Cowboys cornerback did a standing long jump of 12 feet, two and three
quarter inches, which is the length of a snooker table from a standing.
But then the other bizarre thing about the standing long jump is that it is a condition
of entry to serve in the Brazilian police.
To serve in the Brazilian police, you have to do a, if you're a man, you need to be able
to do a standing long jump of 2.14 meters.
If you're a woman, 1.66.
Wow.
There's no way I could do that.
That's great.
That's incredible.
I couldn't.
What do you reckon you could do standing long jump?
Shall we do it?
And then say what our scores were?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, we're going to do a quick cut here.
So we're still recording and we found out that Andy is the best at the standing long
jump by about five centimeters.
Yeah, I mean, and we all reckon we were getting around two meters so we don't think we can
get into the Brazilian only by a few centimeters.
So if we work on it, we might be able to do it.
Did we make it into the Brazilian ladies army?
Yes, we did.
1.66.
Get in.
All right.
Okay.
I want to do some things about drugs and performance enhancing drugs.
So Peta Corda, who's a tennis player, he tested positive for the steroid nandrolone
in Wimbledon in 1998, but he blamed it on having eaten too much steroid-fed veal, okay?
But it turned out that if he had eaten enough veal to be tested positive, he would have
had to have eaten 40 calves a day for 20 years to have such a high level.
And there was an Olympic gold medalist called Dennis Mitchell who tested positive for high
testosterone.
And he claimed that it was because he consumed five beers the night before and had sex with
his wife four times.
That's ridiculous.
No one can have five beers.
If I was the veal guy and I was being investigated, I liked to think that I would have tried to
prove that.
And when the investigators were coming around, I would have ordered a load of calves and
I'd have been constantly eating a calf just all over my house and my garden full of calves.
This park where they had this puddle-jumping thing is called Wixdeed Park and Wixdeeds
make playgrounds.
Yep.
Did you hear about the guy Charles Wixdeed?
This is incredible.
This is the best thing about the fact, I think.
He invented the slide and the swing.
Two things.
Two things.
Two things.
That was a good morning, wasn't it?
He invented the slide.
Give us more details here.
Well, people say that he invented the modern slide.
Now I have found a source which disputes this and points out there are a couple of earlier
things in New York which look a lot like slides.
So it's possible that he didn't invent the very first slide.
He definitely came up with a version of it for his park.
And he also invented the modern swing, which you get in playgrounds.
And his first version, have you seen it?
The top bar is almost four metres off the ground.
It looks incredibly dangerous.
Yeah.
There's photos that have been on earth.
I don't know if you've ever seen the sort of extreme swinging.
It's kind of like that.
I think I have seen extreme swinging.
Just google that anyone at home.
He didn't grow up in the suburbs and not sir.
But what he kind of also pioneered was the idea of the playground.
And this park where the puddle-jumping competition was held is the park where the first ever
playground was built.
And he used pipes from World War I and he turned them into swings.
So they became the first swings.
And you can see the first slides as well.
They're really interesting.
The first slides were polished planks of wood with no sides.
He just went down a plank of wood.
Risking your broken leg and splinters.
Yeah.
And kids, you can see them going down it and it's just very dangerous.
They were also gender segregated.
Were they?
One for boys and one for girls.
Yeah.
He said later on that was an old-fashioned, he realised that was an old-fashioned notion.
He abandoned that segregation.
So they know were the oldest modern-day swing then in the world is.
And it's not in the park, it's in the backyard of Charles Wicksteed's home, which they discovered
not too long ago.
And it was his prototype.
And so now that we know officially the oldest swing in the world.
It's so cool.
It's still working.
It's still working.
No, it is.
It's not like an iPhone that goes out there.
OK, time for fact number three and that is Mark.
My fact is that the shuttlecocks used in professional badminton are made using real goose feathers
which are always taken from the bird's left wing.
Wow.
So I kind of knew that it was taken from an animal.
I thought it was duck.
I think ducks can be used in your defence.
Right.
I don't think that's the stupidest mistake anyone's ever made.
But I didn't know the left wing.
Yeah.
If you get them from the left wing, it makes the shuttlecock spin clockwise.
If you take them from the right wing, it makes the shuttlecock spin anti-clockwise.
And they're obviously used to playing with a clockwise spin.
And that's why they keep using those wings.
So if you had one which was half with feathers from the left wing and half from the right
wing, would it not spin?
It would go completely, yeah.
It would be a completely haphazard shuttlecock, yeah.
So if you took the feathers from a bird's right wing and put them on its left wing,
so it had two left wings, you'd be arrested.
But you're right, they do take them from a live animal because animals will regrow them.
So I don't know if they keep harvesting the same bird to get more shuttlecocks out of it.
But it does apparently cause the bird in the goose incredible pain when they're taken out.
But they do then regrow.
You know when someone does, I don't know, your eyebrows?
Yeah.
That in itself is a bit like, oh, that's quite painful.
Imagine, like at the bottom of feathers, it's almost sticks at the bottom of their
feathers.
It's more akin to pulling out toenails rather than any hairs, isn't it, Danethanus?
Yeah.
I read this incredible fact, which is if a bald eagle loses a feather on one of its wings,
it will shed the corresponding feather on the opposite wing to maintain balance.
Now that.
Wow.
Isn't that amazing?
That's the sort of thing that fundamentally Christians will pick up on to show that there
is a god.
That's just astonishing, isn't it?
Wow.
How quickly would it do it?
I reckon just straight away.
So if you happen to be plucking a bald eagle and you took one out, you'd just see another
one on the other side.
That would be useful if you're like a turkey plucker or something and you'd only have to
do half the turkey.
Yeah.
Do they pluck it out, their own feather, or do they, can they selectively shed a single
feather?
I believe that's what I read.
Now, I actually don't believe it myself, but that's what I read in a reputable source.
Heat magazine.
Oh, pluckers monthly.
That was a very big mistake at the news agents that I ended up with that.
I wonder how many feathers a goose can give because the professional shuttle cocks always
use 16 feathers.
I read that they only use four feathers per goose, per shuttle cock.
I think that's what I read.
This is where Dan's cheeky boyish grin is causing it easy winding us up here.
No, that's why I read it's no more than four feathers from the same goose for the same
shuttle cock.
I've heard that once the shuttle cock is made, if you want to alter the spin that it's
giving it, if it's spinning too much, you can either take the feathers out or bend them
over or snip the end off the feather.
Is that a way to cheat in badminton if you kind of snip the feathers a bit and it'll
make it spin more or less like the flake?
Yeah, it is.
I watched a video online where a scientist was talking about how you can cheat in badminton
and that's one of the things that you're not allowed to do.
If you bend the feathers in, you get way more speed.
Something to do with wind resistance and just, yeah.
Oh, the speed, because the speed is the other incredible thing about a professional shuttle
cock.
First boulder in cricket, two or three of them have reached 100 miles an hour with accredited
speedo.
Sure, that's hard, didn't it?
Yeah.
And Brett Lee's done it.
And Darren Goff, brilliantly, when they first started using speed guns, came into the dressing
room and said, I just bowled at 150 miles an hour.
And they said, no, no, it's kilometers an hour, Darren, you've got it wrong.
But so that's that.
Then the tennis players, I think, are up to about 150, aren't they?
They're a really heavy server in male tennis.
We'll do 150.
Shuttle cock's 200 miles an hour.
When it comes off the racket, 200, how can a human possibly do that, too?
Yeah.
It slows down pretty quickly, though, doesn't it?
That's almost literally what it's designed to do.
Most other sports will design something to go faster.
This is designed to slow down.
So I don't know if Americans use the word shuttle cock that much.
Maybe they do, because I'm not American.
But I've read that they call them birds instead.
And the reason they did that is because they didn't want to say the word cock.
That was a thing that the birds, cocks, were called, what are they called now, roosters.
The supposed etymology is from shyness, basically.
Oh, that's lovely.
It's a bit like, and it's very appropriate that we're sitting here in the postcode WC.
I know this because the new books themed around postcodes.
Evelyn Moore used to have a friend who refused to call the WC postcode in London WC.
She always used to insist on saying West Central, because she said WC had indelicate association.
Do you guys know about the Miller Place Panthers High School Babminton team?
These guys have got the longest winning streak in team sport history.
And from the spring of 1973 until April the 12th, 2005, they won every single game a winning
streak of 504 consecutive victories.
Wow.
Yeah.
The obvious question is who beat them?
It was another team nearby.
I haven't written down who it was, but it was another team nearby.
They beat them 10-5, I remember.
And that was the end of their streak.
But they've done quite well since then.
They've gone back to winning ways, I understand.
Unfortunately, we've heard of neither of them.
Which means the fame level crossover hasn't yet worked out for either of them.
If you go onto the Wikipedia page for Miller Place, which is a conurbation in America somewhere,
they are on that page.
So I think they're locally quite famous.
Locally, probably.
But this also means that it's a badminton team.
Therefore, they have a new player or place, because that's even more impressive that it's
not one singular person or two people.
Are they a school team?
Yes.
I think it was one person who'd been winning for 32 years.
I think the school administration should get involved, because that student is being
failed by the education system.
At least 10-year-olds are useless, aren't they?
That's why he kept winning.
OK, time for our final fact of the show.
And that is my fact.
And my fact this week is that the ancient Egyptians had a porn papyrus.
Yeah, so this is a bit of a mystery that's papyrus.
It was found in a cave.
It definitely has scenes of sexual nature.
And no one is quite sure whether or not it was used as actual stimulation, or whether
or not it was a joke and it was poking fun of the rich and the powerful at the time.
They're not quite sure.
It'd be like a sex manual, like the Karma Sutra.
The Karma Sutra.
Yeah, exactly.
And they have no idea what it's for, but they're still trying to find out.
I want more details on what's in it.
What's depicted.
Oh, so there's a lot of just sexual scenes.
There's a lot of men and women doing stuff.
The first third of it is not sexual at all.
It's just animals and birds doing various things.
Like all porn.
There's always, you know, the washing machine.
You need the guy to arrive.
Yeah, you need him to establish a scene.
Looks like that chariot's broken.
Okay, so papyrus is a plant that they made early paper out of, and that's why we get
the word paper.
They used papyrus for other things as well.
They used it for mattresses.
They used it for chairs, tables, baskets, sandals, ropes, boats.
Apparently they used it for tampons.
Wouldn't be particularly, you know, it's very rough.
So it wouldn't be particularly nice, but they softened it by soaking it in the Nile first.
Wow.
But it was like this kind of material that they used.
The wonder material, like a plastic of the day.
Exactly, like that, yeah.
Dead Sea Scrolls are written on papyrus.
One fragment of the Dead Sea Scrolls is called 7Q5, and some people think it's an early part
of the New Testament, but they've managed to work this out despite the fact that only
one word is fully legible on this fragment, and that word is and.
Well, that just clinches it doesn't it.
It's and with a capital A.
And apparently the Gospel of Mark quite often starts sentences with and.
God, that's good.
Sleuthing though.
Yeah, or made up stuff.
Ancient Egypt, they actually prepared for sex in the afterlife.
Did they?
Yeah, I didn't know this.
They actually, properly, it was like a thing that they had to consider.
And so men had false penises attached to their mummies, and women had artificial nipples.
Can we just say what the mummy is in this case?
Sorry, yes, to themselves.
And women had artificial nipples.
Did they?
Yeah, like ghost nipples.
Yeah, and they would become fully functional in the afterlife.
That was the idea that they would sort of be optimistic, isn't it?
Thinking that artificial penis will be useful once you're dead.
Yeah, because I mean, it's not useful at that time.
It's just kind of going off trust a little bit.
These days, if you ask for an artificial penis to be put in the coffin with you.
Especially if it was an open casket.
I'm starting to feel very sheltered now in my knowledge of ancient Egypt, because I went there early.
I was pleased to went down to Tutankhamun's Toonum as they discovered honey down there.
Honey is the one food that never goes off, and they discovered some honey that had been
buried with Tutankhamun however many thousands of years ago.
That's what my guide couldn't confirm.
Some of it was kept for the rulers of Egypt who I was in charge earlier this century.
Sorry, early 20th century.
And yeah, they did take some, and I think they must have sampled it to check that it was okay.
I bet it was disgusting.
It must have been, right?
Yeah.
Let's say you've got a jar of honey, and you left it in a sealed dry room for 2,000 years.
What's going to happen to it?
Nothing.
It'll just be honey, won't it?
Also now, so your minds are so dirty, they've started to corrupt me.
I'm wondering whether the honey was part of a preparation for sex in the afterlife.
I think honey would last.
Do you?
Yeah.
Okay.
If we have a 2,000 year old jar of honey and a modern day jar of honey, you can have the 2,000 year old one.
I'll sell it for more modern honey.
Are we allowed to go back to porn or not?
Yeah, go for it.
It's such a ridiculous thing, and anyone involved in making it knows it's the most unerotic thing that you're doing it with a film,
and famously in Don't Look Now, when Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie were supposed to have done it for real while they were filming the love scene.
Donald Sutherland says, if you've had a film crew around you, you'll know how unerotic it is and how difficult it would be to do it.
But the notion of the fluffer, I found out recently, apparently it's a myth that the fluffer exists at all.
The fluffer, those of you who don't know, the fluffer is, and I guess it's normally a woman who's paid to ready the man for his performance
to get him into a physical state where he is ready to perform.
And that's just a complete myth.
If you're a male porn performer, you're expected to be ready, and if you're not ready, then you won't get the job.
And also, I love the fact that the people who clean the London Underground lines overnight when the tubes shut overnight,
they're called fluffers as well.
So I think there is only one true job called the fluffer, and it's the one that cleaned the tube.
And your disappointment when you find out, when you applied for fluffer, you're down in the London Underground.
I found another Egyptian book that has been sort of a mysterious book that we haven't quite cracked and decoded.
And they've recently, they think they've managed to decode it properly, and this is Macquarie University in Australia,
think they've managed to do it, and it's 1,300 years old, this text.
And they think what it turns out to be is that it's a book of spells.
Some of the spells that they've translated include a spell for someone who is possessed,
someone who is annoyed at you, there's a spell for that, that a woman might conceive,
and when someone has a magic on them, you've got a magic on you.
I like that this is someone who is annoyed at you.
I think that's a fantastic spell.
And you can just do a magic on them, and they'll not be annoyed with you.
Yeah, exactly.
That's great.
There's another one called the Greek Magical Papyrus.
And that gives you explanations for ingredients in other magics, as you might call them.
So if a magic spell asks for a head of a snake, it's actually a leech.
And if it asks for crocodile dung, it's Egyptian earth.
And if it asks for lion semen, you should use human semen, but for the magical spells.
So people often thought that these magic spells that they were doing had the head of a snake in
or lion semen in, but actually they were much more normal objects.
Thinking back in those days, who would want the job of collecting the lion semen?
Now they do it straight from the testicle, I think.
Now they knock it out and collect it.
I think the lions have a fluffer, don't they?
Isn't there a thought that the idea of them changing the words or changing the terms
is almost the copyright of its day?
It was the secret ingredient to Coca-Cola type thing.
Yeah, that's what I read with Babylonians.
Lion semen is the secret ingredient of Coca-Cola.
For legal reasons, I think we have to say that lions...
I think they found that from Babylonian cuneiform that they thought that they were like,
look at all these odd ingredients and they realized that they were coded words.
Kind of like the Jan Morris code from Everest, so that no one could steal the proper incantation
and the ingredients for it.
That's great.
This is just quite interesting.
Next year, Playboy.
No more nude women in Playboy.
They're getting rid of...
So it's all going to be tasteful in quotation marks, what they think is tasteful.
But you always say that you read that for the articles, don't you?
No, I collect old ones, because Hunter S. Thompson used to write for them
in Woody Allen and Gratto Marx.
And yeah, extraordinary comic articles in there.
And now I can read it again for the articles.
Very exciting.
Okay, that's it.
That's all of our facts.
Thank you so much for listening.
If you'd like to get in contact with any of us about the things we've said over the course of this podcast,
we can be found on Twitter.
I'm on at Shriverland.
James.
At Ed Shaped.
Andy.
At Andrew Hunter M.
Mark.
I'm at Walk the Lions LDN.
There's details in the book.
If anyone wants to read the book, it's M-A-I-L.
Mail obsession.
Yep.
Mail obsession.
And the idea is that you go around the country to all the post codes
and you find out it's basically a book full of amazing facts
along with a journey around the UK.
It's a book full of British trivia, British history,
British weirdness that's been going on,
and it's using postcode areas as the device.
Yeah, the 124 postcode areas.
At least one fact from each postcode area.
Yep, awesome.
That's out in the shops.
Go get it now.
And if you want to listen to any of our previous shows,
you can go to knowsuchthingasafish.com.
If you want to come and see any of our live shows,
we've also got a page there with all of the events.
There's a lot that we're doing.
We'll be back again next week.
Until then, goodbye.