Normal Gossip - Charcuterie Board of Gossip with Rachelle Hampton

Episode Date: September 25, 2024

Surprise! In today's bonus episode, Rachelle Hampton (Normal Gossip's best friend) joins Kelsey for a basketful of updates on gossips past. Spoiler warning! Make sure you've listened to the following episodes: S1E8 Spot the ScammerS2E3 Squirrel EnthusiastS2E4 Short King of East TexasS3E1 Righteous Lesbian EnergyS3E6 In Defense of ChildrenS4E6 Vigilante RenovationSee you on October 9th for the premiere of season seven!Pre-order Kelsey's book, YOU DIDN'T HEAR THIS FROM ME, here!Subscribe to our newsletter for writing from Kelsey and Alex, blog recommendations, and bonus secrets!You can support Normal Gossip directly by buying merch or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com.Our merch shop is run by Dan McQuade. You can also find all kinds of info about us and how to submit gossip on our Komi page: https://normalgossip.komi.io/Episode transcript here.Follow the show on Instagram @normalgossip, and if you have gossip, email us at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP.Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney (@mckinneykelsey) and produced by Alex Sujong Laughlin (@alexlaughs), Ozzy Llinas Goodman (@ozzy_llinas), and Jae Towle Vieira (@jaetowlevieira). Abigail Segel (@AbigailSegel) is our intern. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor.Show art by Tara Jacoby.Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia.

Before we start, we want to recommend the new season of The Heart from fellow Radio Topia podcaster Caitlin Prest. It's called Great Love, the Gaza Monologues Revisited. Caitlin is known for exploring big questions and creating immersive and sonically rich stories about love. This time she's exploring love that makes you care about people far away that you haven't met. The love that makes you care about the suffering of people you may never know.

Great Love, the Gaza Monologues Revisited is a collaboration between The Heart and Ashtar Theatre based in Ramallah, Palestine. Each episode features one of 33 monologues written by kids from Gaza, read by Caitlin Press' friends, friends of friends, and strangers who become friends. Episodes drop every Thursday from Mermaid Palace and Radiotopia. Listen and subscribe at MermaidPalace.org or wherever you listen to podcasts. Hello and welcome to a bonus episode of Normal Gossip, the podcast where we bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Today is a special day because we've got some updates to

stories from past episodes and we're going to tell you when the new season is premiering. I am so excited to have with me today as a special guest, Rachel Hampton. Hello Rachel. Hello Kelsey. I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited you're here. I'm going to remind the listeners who you are in case they forgot.

If you have listened to this podcast for a while, you may remember Rachel from season one's episode about the knitting circle called Can I Say Something Bitchy? Rachel also holds a distinct honor in that she is our podcast's best friend. She was the first guest for our first ever live show in 2022 in New York at Caviot, tiny little show where we were just trying to figure out if we could do it on stage. And she was our guest for the Seattle show. Excitingly, Rachel, with today's podcast, you will tie Britney loose for most appearances on the feed with two. Wow. It's such an honor to be here. It's an honor to even be nominated for this award

of showing up and forcing you to hang out with me the most times. Yeah. How does it feel to be the podcast best friend? Oh, truly deep in my soul, I just feel warm and fuzzy. It makes me feel so nice. I'm like, everyone wants to be the best friend of normal gossip. Rachel has joined Defector full-time, so now we are colleagues and co-owners at defector.com. Rachel, how are you feeling about that? I feel like we kind of pulled a scam. I can't believe we get to work together.

So often, we're just slacking each other, and it's like we are normally texting each other, but now we're doing it on company time. It's incredible. It's excellent. And you have been helping us with this next season. How do you think that the next season is going? Oh, so well. It's so cool seeing behind the scenes.

I love to provide both editorial and emotional support, and that's what it feels like I'm doing right now. That's so true. You're, like, here to guide us into the future, which is so beautiful. As a Pisces, that's all I ever want to do. I just want to be there for people, keep them warm and fuzzy, remind them that they have feelings, remind them that it's okay to cry. Yeah, I think it's a little stressful for me as an Earth sign

because you and Alex are both water signs, and so now there is, like, a lot of feeling happening. And while I respect and love feeling, I also fear it. The thing is, the feeling is always there whether you say it or not. So we're just saying what's there. Whereas Earth signs are just like, I don't see it. I pretend it doesn't exist. It is subterranean.

It is magma beneath the Earth's core. And water signs are like, um, water's on the surface, babe. That's why we have lakes. Have you considered shoving it down? Oh yeah, that's why we have geysers. It's been so much fun having you here to work on this new season. I'm so excited about it.

As of recording this, we've recorded like several episodes. The new season, season seven, if you can believe it, is going to premiere on October 9th. Yay! Yay! A fall baby. I know, a fall baby. It'll be 10 episodes as always. It will drop on your feed on Wednesdays

at midnight Eastern. Also as always. So today's episode is just a little treat to tide you over until then. A little almond croissant of gossip. Yeah, if you're desperate for more, if you're like this episode just like really isn't enough for me, I'm like dying on the inside,

I need more gossip to live, you can always go to supportnormalgossip.com and get all of our monthly bonus episodes and our sexy new newsletter, which is very exciting and filled with links of things that Alex and I are buying. And also includes a little rant. There's one from yours truly. I thought I did pretty well. I ranted about people on the subway who, not people who listen

to music out loud, which I've just accepted as part of life in New York, but specifically people who listen to music out loud and don't pay for Spotify premium. Either burn a CD, torrent some music. Grow up and torrent, yeah. Grow up and do something illegal. It pisses me off. See, this is the kind of hard-hitting analysis you could get if you were subscribed to the newsletter. Thrilling.

So true. For today's special almond croissant bonus episode, we have a whole assortment of little treats for you. A charcuterie board of gossip snacks, you might say. Wow. I love the food puns we're continuing with. So you know, sometimes an episode ends and there's like not a nice tidy bow at the end of it because these are real stories from the real world and so we don't always get

exactly what we want. We have followed up on some of the gossips from the real world and so we don't always get exactly what we want. Mm-hmm. We have followed up on some of the gossips from the past and because time continues forward, some of them have updates and new information. We? I know. So for six of the episodes, I have updates for you, Rachel. I love this. It's like the digestif at the end of the meal.

I'm so excited to have a little bit of fancy liquor in a tiny cup. Yeah, a little Amaro that comes out in a crystal glass. Ooh. Exactly. So cute. I'm ready. Okay.

If you have not listened to all of the episodes before this one, this is your spoiler warning. If you choose to ignore it, do not email us. We will put all the links to the episodes we're talking about today in the show notes so that you can make sure that you've heard them or if you want to catch up on them before you listen to this one, you can go back. Warning complete. Rachel, are you ready?

I've never been more ready for anything in my life. Excellent. The first episode we have an update on today is from season two. It's episode three. It was Tracy Clayton and it was titled Squirrel Enthusiast. Yes, I know this one. Plato Jason and his family are going out of town for Christmas and they're like, Sandy and Alicia, can you please come feed our chickens while we're out of town? Oh no. They like come after school, so they bring their daughter with them and she like goes

upstairs to her friend's room to play, right? While Alicia and Sandy put the trash cans out on the street. They call her downstairs to go and on her little head is perched a clearly homemade hat made of a squirrel. What? Oh my God, wait! They took a photo of their daughter wearing the hat and group chatted it to like all of the parents. Oh my god. For anyone who may have forgotten what this episode is about, quick recap. It's about a rivalry between parents at like a crunchy preschool with kids on the same soccer team. It's Scott and someone we call Plato Jason because his whole thing was that he donated Plato to the school fundraiser

and Scott has this whole irrational vendetta against Play-Doh Jason because he thinks he's hunting squirrels and it turns out he's right. Just beautiful. I feel like importantly, the thing that I took from this story besides the squirrel hat was that the Play-Doh was homemade. Which I'm not gonna lie, hearing that you could make Play-Doh at home

kind of made me want to do it. I love those slime videos on TikTok so much. And I'm like, what if I made my own Play-Doh like Play-Doh Jason? Googling Play-Doh homemade recipe how? Yes, exactly, exactly. Okay, here's the update I have for you. At the end of the school year, the Hippie Dippie Preschool sent out a call for feedback to the parents. This was like an anonymous survey, you know, the kind that you would like take in Google surveys and be like,

here's how I feel about the school or whatever. But the Plato family copy and pasted their responses and they sent out their responses and their thoughts to the entire parent listserv. Do we have the email? out their responses and their thoughts to the entire parent list serve. Oh, do we have the email? Yes. The thing is I cannot read the whole email. Fair. Because in response to the prompt,

please share your honest thoughts about this year, the Plato family wrote 3,000 words. Oh! 3,000 words? 3,000 words. Oh! 3,000 words? 3,000 words. I'm a professional writer, and the concept of writing 3,000 words is daunting. It's not an easy feat. It's not something that just happens on a random Monday.

You go in thinking, I'm going to write 3,000 words and I have to think about that. What did a hundred of these words say? Okay, so I'm going to give you like the top line points. Thank you. That Plato Jason makes in this 3,000 word essay that he submits to the preschool. Jesus Christ. I forgot they were toddlers. Okay, here's some of his ideas. His first idea is that, you know how in schools they have like a little, they have little cubbies

for the kids to put their stuff in so that all their stuff stays together? One of the Play-Doh family's ideas is what about cubbies for parents? What? Me shaking my head in absolute disgust. What do parents need to store at their children's schools? Could not tell you.

Also, a question I have is, if the child is part of your family, then couldn't you put stuff in their cubby? Exactly, how much more space do you need? And also, are you not driving your child to school? A car functions as a storage mechanism. You can put shit in there. This is why I'm always complaining during the summer is that I'm like, my coat in a

city is what people's car is to them in cities where you drive. Exactly. Like, it has all my stuff in it and all my trash. And so when you take it away from me, I feel uncomfortable. It's so real. I just carry a giant bagu bag everywhere and I don't know what's at the bottom of it. I wash it every two months and I'm always just like, Jesus Christ, Rachel. Oh, 17 cheez-its. Perfect. No, exactly. Oh, five wrappers from ginger candy because your stomach was hurting on

the train. Okay. The second point that the Plato family makes in this essay, I think is kind of revealing of some other things. The second point is that they think that the sign up sheets for parent-teacher conferences should be posted, quote, without favoritism. They are mad because they feel that they always see the list last. And at this point, that cannot be a coincidence. So, you know, in the spirit of fairness, I would like to ask a question of,

is this sign-up sheet sent out to everyone at the same time? Yes. Plato family, if you're seeing it last, there's this thing you can do on your phone where you set notifications for your thing you can do on your phone where you set notifications for your emails to pop up on your screen. And you can even have sounds associated with that if you don't want to miss an email. So I would suggest doing that. They're asking for favoritism.

They want to see the list first. They wish to have the best spot. Play Dooh family. I have one final thing that Play-Doh Jason felt was important to provide feedback on in his 3000 word essay. Do you have any guesses what this might be? I feel like because no one wanted his Play-Doh, he's probably going to ask for some kind of system around donating things to the classroom and them not being able to reject it.

Yeah, very good guess. I will quote from the essay. Here we go. I can accept that my homemade Play-Doh was not accepted for the auction fundraiser last fall, but it took a week for my Play-Doh to be returned and it wasn't at the school. Where was it? I do not think it would have been returned to me at all if I hadn't said something in the Facebook group.

How hard is it to make Play-Doh at home? How much of a precious item is this? Can you not just make more? Why do you need a return to you? Also, if it was gonna get auctioned off, you spiritually gave that up when you gave it away. Also, I am obsessed with the fact that these last two points are very like conspiracy minded, where it's like, the school is attacking me. There's a conspiracy amongst people at the school

because they hate me. And it's like, well, honestly, yeah, maybe people do hate you at the school. But to conspire against someone requires a level of interest in them that I think almost no one has at other parents in their school. Also, a level of interest and time. And if there's anything I know that teachers don't have enough of, it's time. OK, the next episode that I have an update for you on is season three's premiere called Righteous Lesbian Energy with Samantha Erby. My fave. I love her newsletter so much. She does recaps of Judge Mathis. It makes me so happy. Devin takes his usual ambient to go to sleep. He wakes up in the middle of the night. He posts

on the HRE Facebook group just wondering what the rules exactly are on hot tubs. I know Bernard has one, so I was wondering what size exactly we're allowed to have and he hit send. Sweet, sweet Devin. This, as you can imagine, creates chaos. This is what works the group up the most, right? Not only does Bernard have a hot tub, which is against the rules, he is also feeding the stray cats, which is also against the rules. Like two strikes, you're out in the HOA.

The group without Courtney or Devin impeached Bernard as HOA president. Oh no, I love this. Okay. There's one more thing. Uh oh. This was a trap. When Courtney was going on her little runs, she was taking a handful of catnip seeds and throwing them into Bernard's yard.

That is why there were so many feral cats. Wow. Do you remember this episode, Rachel? Of course I do. Of course I do. Of course I do. HOA drama. The reveal of the catnip seeds really just... You guys always satisfy me. No man has ever done that. I knew we were meant to be together. At the end of the episode, we conclude with the knowledge

that Bernard sells his house and moves away. Rachel, what do you hope happened here? Well, I hope that our couple got to build their Barbie dream home. Honestly, I really hope that the feral cat colony is okay and didn't just get mass euthanized because that would make me really sad. And I'm going to be honest, it would be a little bit iconic for Bernard to just come back. Yeah, so there are two things that I pretty uniformly say

that you should avoid on this show, and they are HOAs and Facebook groups. And that's because HOAs and Facebook groups, to us, are the gift that never stops giving, right? It is constant drama all the time. So unsurprisingly, the update I have for you is more drama. Yes. Devin and Courtney still live in this neighborhood. They got another dog to keep potato company. Both dogs are thriving. Yay. As we know, Bernard moved away, right? Goodbye Bernard. Bye. The cats in Bernard's yard did not quite move away.

That's their house now. It's their house now. And the person who actually moved into this house was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, we can't be having all these cats here. So this person, wisely, was like, I know what I'll do. I'll get rid of all of the catnip. Smart. But the problem is by the time that that happened, all of those cats had had like several litters

of kittens. So like what started as like 12 cats became 24 cats became more than a hundred cats. Yeah, no, that happens really fast. They should have done like a TNR situation, which stands for Trap, Neuter, Release. Thank you. Not the New Republic. Okay, so this HOA is like, we have a problem here, right? There are a hundred plus cats wandering around our neighborhood at all times. And because it's an HOA, what do they do?

They call a meeting. Bitches love a meeting. They love a meeting. Bitches love a meeting. They love a meeting. And here we are going to meet a new character who did not appear in the original story. We're going to call her Delaney. Oh, okay. Delaney is retired. Okay. But she retired pretty recently, so she's super bored. So at the meeting where they're like, what are we going to do about all of these cats? Delaney is like, I am super bored and need a job.

I will take control of this. Aw. Yeah. She's like, I'll talk to animal control. I'll organize the TNR. I'll keep tabs on the cats. Like, okay, I'll do it. I like Delaney so far. Okay. Everyone in the HOA also likes Delaney because they don't want to do this.

Yeah, that's fair. So they're like, perfect. Thank you, Delaney. Perfect. You're hearing it more and more. So you feel good about this. So far. But if I know anything about this show, it's that I should not rest in that feeling for too long. So true. Over the next couple of weeks, things are getting worse in the neighborhood. Oh no. Devin and Courtney are getting messages to the HOA listserv that are like, crime in the neighborhood.

More and more frequently. One night when a neighbor was home alone, his security camera started going off. Oh no. And it was dark, but he thought he saw someone crawling under his car. Oh, no, that's scary. Yes. He's like, somebody's going to steal my catalytic converter, a classic fear. And so he like put a cage on it and got one of those, you know, things that gets in your steering wheel so you can't turn it. Ah, yes. As someone who doesn't drive, I do know what you're talking about. Other neighbors, though though also were posting and being like, my backyard got broken into. My garden got all messed up.

Like birdhouses are being knocked over. What? Of course. What do you think the HOA is going to do about this? Call another fucking meeting. Call another fucking meeting. So they call a meeting. The topic of this meeting is, should we form a neighborhood watch?

Oh God. I understand their utility in certain neighborhoods, but I'm going to be honest, a neighborhood with the HOA and a neighborhood watch is giving surveillance state. Yes. The other thing about a neighborhood watch is you don't need one if people simply sit outside. That's so true. Use your porches. Keep an eye out. Be on your porch.

Support your neighbors. You don't need an organized neighborhood watch with little signs that say neighborhood watch. No, everyone knows that doesn't mean anything. No, exactly. It's like if you want to go on a little walk with your neighbors, do that, but don't make it under the guise of forming your own fucking militia police force. Yes. Instead of doing neighborhood watch, the HOA decides that they're going to hire a private security company to do random drive-bys at night. Uh, I don't like that. I don't like that. No one likes this. This is bad. Is that what my HOA fees are going towards?

Yes. If you have the money for a private security force, you don't have money to hire someone to come TNR these hundreds of fucking cats rather than having a recent retiree do it. What is going on? Yes. And the thing is, the private security company, big surprise, does not work. Yeah, of course they don't. People's yards are still getting broken into.

Gardens are still getting fucked up. People are catching little glimpses on their surveillance state security cams of shadows in the night. Oh, this is not gonna go well. I don't like when people are hypervigilant. Me neither. And then a beloved family pet is stolen.

No! What kind of pet? Thank you for asking. A cat? Oh no, I think I know what's happening. I'm worried. I was on Delaney's side, but I'm worried. I think she got overzealous. Yeah.

Yeah. See, the thing is, Delaney, the official community cat catcher, was taking her job so seriously. She's been setting traps all over the neighborhoods in the evening and collecting the cats before dawn to take them to the vet. She's been crawling under cars to get cats, breaking into yards to get cats. She's been up all night, night after night. Some might say she was getting a little loopy. Yeah. She's sleep deprived, surrounded by cat pee fumes, which literally make you go crazy. Yes, and she wasn't at the meeting

where everyone was like, there's crime. Where was she at? She was asleep. Oh, Delaney. Oh, my sweet, sweet girl. She just wants to help. But in the end, you know, the thing is she did help because like the beloved cat got returned to its family.

Oh, good. A little startled, but fine. Yeah. The HOA was like, Delaney, my dude, you gotta chill. Okay. Delaney and the HOA agreed to like the following terms, which are like pets must wear collars. Yeah, that's just smart. If you're going to have an outdoor cat, the cat should have a collar.

Yes, Delaney cannot set up her traps on other people's property. Okay, yeah, that's fair. That's valid. Only in like common spaces. But she can check them at night. Okay. And in the end, this works. We were told by our friend of a friend that Delaney has definitely made a difference. Yay! And that the cat population is under control.

Aw. Okay. I'm still a fan of Delaney. She just got too invested. She's used to working her entire life. I'm sure the moment I stop working, something's gonna break in my brain. Yeah, you'll be so bored. And I'll become overzealous about, you know, keeping a cat colony under control.

Yeah. The only other update I have for this story is that Courtney still has not told anyone that it was her who did the cat. She should never tell anybody. She should never tell anybody that is a secret you take to the grave or that you tell to Kelsey McKinney. I'm also just like, I'm always begging people to play the long game, right? Like I'm always trying to convince people to like hard launch a family of four. Like never post your engagement, never post your wedding.

Just like 10 years later, be like, Merry Christmas from us. You're like, why don't people have secret families anymore? Yeah. Bitches are losing recipes. Yeah, create a secret family. But I'm like, you have a perfect opportunity here to stay in this HOA until you retire. And then when you leave to'm like, you have a perfect opportunity here to stay in this HOA until you retire. And then when you leave to be like, oh, by the way, it was me.

Oh, yes. It's giving like a Lena Tyrell in that one scene in Game of Thrones where she's like, I want Joffrey to know it was me. And it's like, pop off, Queen. Okay. The next update I have for you is from season two, episode four. It's called Short King of East Texas. And this was with Bobby Finger and Lindsay Webber. Lindsay Bobby to their fans. Craig has arrived at a problem we discussed earlier, which is, huh, you know, I should probably Google this guy.

Oh, God. Are you kidding? No one's Google this guy? No one Googled him. He's Googling, right? And he's like Larry, orchid consultant. Orchid Consultants Texas. He ends up on an orchid forum where people are vaguely referring to a Texas Larry.

He clicks into this, and what he finds is that Larry is running a fraudulent orchid consulting firm. He is shipping out orchids that die on arrival from Hank's nursery. He does not actually understand what orchids really need to survive. He's a plant scammer, he's a plant scammer.

So Annie is like, dad, I know you don't believe that Larry is a scammer, but he stole Craig's money. And Hank is immediately mad, right? Like he's like, well, I'm gonna talk to Larry about this right now. Oh no, Larry's gone. And he's like, great, carry me to the guest house on the phone while you talk to Larry.

I'd love to hear how this fucking goes. Larry is gone. It's gone, yeah. Yeah. It's gone. Larry has fled. He knew. That's an empty house. He's fled the scene.

Oh, the story made me so sad because I really have a soft spot for dads and maybe that's just being the daughter of a father. As a daughter of a father. As a daughter of a father. As a daughter of a father. As a daughter of a father. As a daughter of a father. There's just something about an older gentleman getting into a hobby and finding his passion and then being scammed. He just wanted friendship and orchids. I really did appreciate that the story ended on a happy note, but I was really sad for our King Hank.

I know. So this whole story is about a middle-aged named Hank, who we love and we stand and who gets really into orchids. And the problem with getting really into any activity really fast is that this is exasperating for your family because they're like before you didn't know what an orchid was. Now you have a thriving orchid business. arriving orchid business. And Hank becomes best friends with an orchid consultant named Larry, and then Larry turns out to be a scammer and eventually goes Hank. So it's like not only does he have to close his orchid business, he also loses someone he thought was a friend.

I know. It's tragic. It really is. This story ended on like kind of a positive note, which is that Hank, because of all of his learning about orchids, knew how to grow specialty moss, which ended up helping his daughter, Ellen's dollhouse furniture business. But still a tragic loss of friendship. Truly.

And the thing is, men don't have enough friends, especially as they get older. Also just making new friends as you get older is so hard. I hope Larry gets his fucking comeuppance because he deserves it. And I hope Hank has found a new hobby, a new passion, because it's so sad that not only did he lose a friend and a business, but he also lost his love for orchids. I love plants.

I would be so sad if someone took that away from me. I know. Hank's children are also on a road to vengeance, right? The updates we have are that every few months, his children have been Googling Larry for years. Those are good kids. They are like, we are vigilant. We are going to find this man and we are going to watch him.

And very recently, they found him. I know. Is he still scamming? He's using a different last name. Of course he is. It seems like he got married a few years ago and now he runs a llama ranch. A llama ranch. And he has a website for selling orchids online. Still still. What did the children do? Did they flood it? website for selling orchids online. Still? Still.

What did the children do? Did they flood it? Did they tell the Orchid Forum? The children told the Orchid Forum. Exactly. And the Orchid Forum very quickly caught on to this, right? They were like, this is his third orchid website. Like he does this thing every time where he like closes it down once he starts to

get a bad reputation and just starts a new one. What is up with this man and orchid? I don't know. Why would you choose something so hard to scam people over? Why don't you just grow weed? I know, because the orchid lovers are like a community, right? Yeah.

They're going like Charlie, and it's always sunny in Philadelphia mode. They have all their red string, right? They have a crazed look in their eyes. They've been making all sorts of connections. They're like using the way back machine. They're pulling up the content of his website. They're comparing the copy.

They're like, oh my God, all this copy is exactly the same. Really makes you think. They're like, mama, let's research. They're like, oh my God, all of these companies have the same problems. Orchids dead on arrival, orchids never arrive, et cetera. I love this community. But some people on the Google reviews for this new company are posting, Larry takes

great care of my orchids. Larry found me the perfect orchid. The orchids Larry sent me were in great condition. It's giving fake. Anyone can write a Google review. All of these accounts are brand new. Yep. Yep. One of them went even further and was like, I'm a friend of Larry's.

Larry takes care of many private collections in the area. Not private collections. He also teaches Ikebana seminars throughout the year. Thank you for asking. Ikebana is the Japanese art of flower arranging. Oh, wait, that sounds beautiful. I don't trust Larry to do that. Yeah. So upsettingly, the update on Larry is that he's still trying to scam. But luckily, the orchid people, they are on it. What they need to do is conscript the K-pop community into this,

because if there's anything the K-pop community knows how to do, it's shut down a fucking website. Do you remember during the summer of 2020 when the government was like, please send us all your videos of people at protests doing illegal things, and the K-pop girlies were like, here's my fan cam ho! And the thing is, you know, the Orchid Forum community has like, here's my fan cam, ho. And the thing is, you know, the Orchid Forum community has like, they feel like they finally got to a place where like Larry is probably not going to be able to operate a full nursery ever again. Like they have polluted his Google results to the point that like there's no way.

So even though like this new Orchid Company is like in quote, good standing with the state, whatever that means, they're like, good luck, Larry, because the internet remembers everything. Yeah, you can't scam my man Hank like that. If you're going to scam somebody, don't scam Hank. Scam a rich person. Yeah. Speaking of scams, the next episode I have an update for you on is the season finale of season one, which was with Claire Fallon and Emma Gray. It is spot the scammer, otherwise known as the bird lamp episode.

Yep. I know her. I know her well. So Jenny arrived back in Los Angeles with her precious bird lamp. Evelyn also moved to Los Angeles after graduation. And the last time Sophie was there, she saw both of them. So Sophie has reconciled with Evelyn is what you're saying. Our friend of a friend said like, Sophie just like cannot be in a fight with anyone.

I sort of get it. But I think this might be like a bridge too far even for me. Like you ruined our collective trip. You made me think you were dead. You then like sent a cryptic voicemail and then ghosted me when I tried to figure out where you were and you just flew home and no. Do you wanna hear the final kicker? There's more. Oh my God.

Evelyn never planned the Cambodia leg. What? Oh. What? Oh. What did I say? Scam? So that's the explanation. This is all a scam. This is all a scam.

Scammer. She was like, I'm just going to find a reason to dip before my leg. Yeah. And she was laying the groundwork from moment one. She's like, wow, Maya and Naya is so annoying. And then she's like, wow, this girl Jenny is too hot. Fuck her. She literally is Annadelabee.

Oh my God. Wow, I hate, I found a new mortal enemy and her name's Evelyn. This story, in case you forgot, is about four friends in their last semester of law school who plan to go on a trip together across Southeast Asia. It's Maya and Naya, twins Evelyn, Sophie and Jenny. They go on this whole trip, they have a budget cap, it's this whole thing. Jenny is like carrying around a bird lamp the whole time, it's like a nightmare. And they go to this full moon party on an island and Evelyn disappears and they cannot find her anywhere. Overnight,

after a whole night of searching for her, Sophie gets a voicemail notification where Evelyn is like, I'm fine, sorry I didn't find you before I left, but things were like just getting too crazy and I was freaking out so I had to leave. And Sophie checks her, find my friend Stott and she has Irish goodbye the entire trip. Oh god. This is an episode that I have listened to multiple times. Claire and Emma are hilarious. I think about the bird lamp, I think, at least three times a year. And it makes me want a bird lamp, but mostly it makes me want Sophie

to learn that you don't have to keep friends that fuck you over. You don't have to keep friends just because you went on a trip to Southeast Asia with them. Like, you can decide, you know what, I deserve happiness. Yeah. It's a very immediately post-college thing to do, to keep a friend who has fucked you over like that. Because now, when the girlies have a crazy group trip,

they post it on TikTok, and they say, guess which one I'm not friends with anymore. Exactly. It's good to transition, to grow in your relationships, to recognize that, like, not everyone has to be your best friend. Yes. Yes. These are the updates I have for you. Oh, yes.

Since the trip, all the girls except Jenny have become lawyers. Jenny, yes. Since the trip, all the girls except Jenny have become lawyers. Jenny is still happily an influencer. Nice. And you can, you know, in many of her posts, you can see the bird lamp in the background. I love that. So Sophie has like kept in touch with Evelyn via only looking at her social media. Okay.

And recently, Sophie noticed that they both were in LA at the same time. Okay. And so she reached out to Evelyn and is like, do you want to catch up? I feel like Sophie should have grown out of this by now, but some people are peeper-pleasers to the day they die and I want better for them. I want better for them too. Evelyn is like, yeah, I would love to catch up. Let's go see the pink wall together. And Sophie's like, yeah, sure. Great. Even though she had no idea what Evelyn was talking about.

Okay. I also don't know. What is the pink wall? Okay. The pink wall is like literally exactly what it sounds like. It's like a beautiful pink wall that people like to take pictures in front of. But because it's like one of those murals that's like for Instagram. It's like similar to those butterfly wings in Nashville, where it's like there's always a huge line. I hate those. My podiatrist is right by the... You know the bull by Wall Street? My podiatrist is across the street from them, and every single time I go, it's 9 a.m.

and there's a line of tourists waiting to fondle the bulls balls, and I feel crazy because... You know what else is right by there? A beautiful waterfront view. Yeah. You could be doing literally anything else. Oh, God. Do they go to the pink wall?

They go to the pink wall. What happens to the pink wall? They stand in line for two hours. Are you fucking kidding me? Two hours in the Los Angeles heat. Like you're not gonna look cute by the time you take that picture even. You're gonna be sweaty.

Oh, so that's not a hangout. No. That's not fun. We could get you a beautiful Instagram photo somewhere. I don't even mind the idea of meeting up to take photos. I get it, pop off. Sometimes you gotta manifest a crush. I get it. But go somewhere else.

That's not a two hour wait. Is there food? What's going on? No, there's no food. And the whole time they were in line, Evelyn spent the whole time talking about herself and did not ask Sophie a single question. That's unsurprising to me. That's Sophie's fault.

She should have seen that coming. Yes. I think the thing is it is unsurprising and it is Sophie's fault. And finally, this was like the thing it took for Sophie to be like, oh my God, I need to let this girl go. Like I need to not see her anymore. I need to mute her on Instagram. I need to live in a bliss where she does not exist.

A, beautiful. I love that phrase, live in a bliss where she doesn't exist. I'm using that for the rest of my life. B, you know what? Sometimes the straw that breaks the camel's back is much smaller than the other straws on the back, but it is the one that breaks the camel's back. So whatever it takes for Sophie to divest herself

from this friendship, I support. And I would also be upset after spending two hours waiting in line in the Los Angeles heat with someone talking about themselves. Are you engaged? I don't care. And then just to stand in front of a pink wall, you can make a pink wall at home.

You could Photoshop a pink wall. There's AI art now. I love that the point you've reached is we have pink wall at home. We have pink wall at home. We have pink wall at home. At least go to LACMA. Like, I just don't understand why you would want to

stand in front of a blank pink wall. It's not even like, like, you know, you look at a Rothko and I'm like, I get it. I love washes of color. It's beautiful. It vibrates. A pink wall? That's probably sun bleach. So it's not even the original color of the pink that you wanted.

Is it Pepto Bismol pink? I don't... Wow. Well, Sophie stood up. Love that for her. Proud of you. Good riddance. Oh, wow. Well, Sophie stood up. Love that for her. Proud of you. Good riddance.

The next episode I have an update for you on is season three, episode six. It was with Young Me Mayor and it was titled In Defense of Children. This is also known as like the hot dog toilet story. Do you remember this story, Rachel? Yes. The image of hot dog in toilet again keeps me up at night. Also it makes me want to hot dog. Yeah. As fans of hot dog in toilet, again, keeps me up at night. Also, it makes me want a hot dog. Yeah. As fans of hot dogs, this story-

As fans of hot dogs and nitrates? Yeah. It makes us want hot dog for sure. Okay. So the basic recap of this, right, is we have Hazel and Dawn, who are sisters, and their cousins Peyton and Cole. As kids, they all went to visit their grandparents for Christmas. Someone, who knows who, flushed a hot dog down the toilet. This needed $2,500 worth of pipe repairs.

And when pressed under questioning for many years, no one confessed. On Grandpa's deathbed, someone confessed, but grandpa didn't even tell his wife who it was. So 25 to 30 years later, the fam was gathering for Christmas again, and an aunt said that everyone in the family believes that Hazel or Dawn did it. That night the cousins are hanging out late, Peyton confesses he's like, twas I who flushed the hot dog. And so the cousins are like, oh my God, this rules because one, now we know for sure.

And two, we can like tell our family and they'll stop blaming us. So the next day at lunch, they like tee up this whole big reveal and Peyton's like, what, you're gonna believe him over me? Like I didn't do it. I don't know what you're talking about. I was promised that there would be updates at Christmas.

Yeah. Um, I have not heard the updates. Jay collected the updates from Hazel herself. Um, and we are going to listen to them together. Oh my God. I get to experience this with you. from Hazel herself, and we are gonna listen to them together. Oh my God, I get to experience this with you. As a treat. This is the most exciting moment of my summer. So there has been an official reveal. It happened at the next major family function,

so it didn't take long. Peyton, Cole, and my sister, Dawn, we all decided to make t-shirts. Cole designed these. It was a picture of like word art of Richard Nixon. And he's standing on top of a toilet with these hot dogs dancing around him with sunglasses on, and the back of three of them said, not a crook. And then the back of Paytons said, crook. And we hid them under our clothes until it was time. We turned around one by one and Paytons revealed that it was, in fact fact him who put the hotdog in the toilet. And I have to say, people still did not believe him. They were so convinced that it was either myself or Dawn. They came up to us after, there was probably like 30 people there, and my cousin's

wife came up to me and was like, when I joined the family, one of the first things I learned was that you put the hot dog in the toilet. And I was like, I don't know how to respond to this. Part of what was so surprising to me about being under suspicion at all is because I also am someone who historically has been terrified of getting in trouble. As a kid, I would never have done it. And I would have caved immediately. I was that kind of child. I cried once because in kindergarten I skipped a page in my journal by accident. Karly Oh no! Lae-Suh Paidon tried so hard to just be like, no, no, it was me. I promise it was me.

I did it. And I'm sure that at some point they will accept that, but it's still a bumpy road. God, that was perfect from beginning to end. There were so many details I never could have guessed. The one that is currently in my mind is that she cried when she skipped a journal page in kindergarten. I know. So relatable.

Very relatable. So relatable. I dropped a bowl of soup once when I was in kindergarten and sobbed for an hour. Yeah. I've always been a crier too. Richard Nixon? I, okay, what I respect the most about this is that everyone, all of these cousins were like, what if it was a performance? What if we

gave the family a little razzle dazzle, a little show? Literally, I'm like, okay, Broadway, go off with the Richard Nixon shirts and then turning around to reveal backs that say not a crook. to reveal backs that say not a crook, like, I, Connick. No, truly, chef's kiss from beginning to end. I just, I love the way the cousins came together. I love that the blame being passed among them didn't bring them apart, but instead made them decide to band together into basically a troupe of players performing for their family.

It's Shakespeare ass performance. Exactly, exactly. And it's like, it also just calls back to those little performances you make up with your cousins for your family. Exactly what I can do. Watch this. Exactly. It's like you're one cousin that can do a flip, just keeps doing flips. Honestly, if I could do a flip, I do them all the time. People are truly going to believe whatever they want. 100%. A family is right.

And it's even funnier now that they still believe it's her. Yes. I love the idea of someone coming into this family, right? Whenever you marry into a family, it's like, okay, sit down. It's lore time, right? And then you get to learn all the family lore, which is like a delight. And I just imagine this story is so iconic in this family that it's like, it's very interesting that in other branches of the family, it's not being presented as like, who knows who flushed the hot dog? It was a mystery.

It's being presented as Hazel flushed. Hazel did it. Hazel, can you drop the t-shirt design? Because I want to see. Girl, we want to see that. I want to see it so bad. I'm not see that. I want to see it so bad. I'm not even joking. I want to see it so bad. Also, Hazel, I'm saluting. I just want to thank you for your service. Thank you for following up on this story. We were all desperate to know, and I'm really thrilled to hear about this.

Not a crook revelation. Thank you, Hazel. We salute you. OK, final episode update is from season four, episode six. It was with Jasmine Gilroy and it was called Vigilante Renovation. So Luke tells Max, like, we have 90 days to find a new apartment. And he like tells her frustratedly, he's like, I talked to Nikki and he just like doesn't seem concerned about this at all. And Max is like, well, yeah, he's like always traveling.

He makes a shit ton of money. He's just going to pay whatever they tell him to pay. And looks like, yeah, but like friendship. And Max is like, well, I mean, you said it yourself. He's a landlord's dream. And there's like something in the way she says it, like maybe it's the tone or the inflection and it like plants a little seed in Luke's mind. Is he a landlord's dream or is he my fucking landlord? This is what I was going to ask.

If I found out my best friend that I used to live with actually owned the apartment the entire time, I- I would lose my mind. Absolutely. I would leave the city. Yeah, you would have to. This story is like maybe one of the most contentious we've ever done. Oh. It's about Luke, who loves democratic socialism and bikes, and his friend Max, who loves bikes, and they rent half a duplex together. And the tenant in the other half is Nikki. Nikki is always gone. He looks like Oscar Isaac in a tank top. Max wants to bang him.

Luke wants to be him. Right? Same. Nikki becomes Luke's best friend. And then eventually he starts to suspect is my best friend who looks like Oscar Isaac in a tank top, actually my landlord. Their rent goes up by 40% after three years. And Nikki responds really suspiciously to this. Luke and Max go investigative journalist mode,

but they find no proof. And then when they're moving out, Max asks Nikki if he owns the house. But Luke is like, I don't want to know. Don't tell me. Nikki is my best friend. Nicole Sarris On one hand, I get it. Again, I love friendship. I specifically love male friendship. I, I... The thing about men, there's so many. I had to start that content and it's so many different ways. Raise your hand if you're scared.

The thing about men that I've learned... Please. ...is they actually don't seem to know that much about their friends. Mm-hmm. Yes. There is a way that men bond, irrespective of their friends' politics, general outlook on life, the way they treat women. It's basically like once men are friends, it's just an amnesty

agreement where you can do whatever you want and will still be bros. And a part of me thinks that's beautiful because in our current culture, so many people think that being uncomfortable in our friendship means the friendship needs to go away and that's just not how friendship works, especially if you have friends over a long amount of time, you're both gonna change, become different people. And the other part of me is like, I don't know, man,

like there are things my friends could do that would in fact affect how I feel about them. Yes. I think what's so interesting about this is like, I completely agree with you. There are like, sometimes you are going to feel uncomfortable in your friendships and that is fine. But what's so interesting to me about men's friendships is that they have like, stereotypically, they have something that, like,

often other people don't have in their friendships, which is, like, bro time, where they're just like, I don't know, man, we went to a batting cage and hit a bunch of balls and had five beers and now you're back. And it's like, well, how's his wife? And it's like, I have no idea. Exactly.

Not a clue in the world. I have recently become friends with a few straight men, which has, you know, actually helped me like straight men a lot more, but I was getting dinner with two of them and we were just like shooting this shit about like some bullshit. One of them was getting married is getting married at the beginning of next year. And I'm like, so how's the wedding planning going? What's going on? Where is it at?

How are you feeling the way that conversation died in a minute. And I was like, I wanna know what your wedding colors are. Yes. And it's like, it is so interesting because on some level, it's like you do need that within every friendship, right? Like I think sometimes more intimate friendships

can create a problem where it's like, no one's having fun anymore, right? It's like, we're just getting together and talking about like our childhood trauma. And while that has a place where it's like no one's having fun anymore, right? It's like we're just getting together and talking about, like, our childhood trauma. And while that has a place, it's like... I don't want that either. I want a kiki. Maybe you should also go bowling. Exactly. It's a good friendship is a perfect balance of hee-hee, ha-ha.

Nothing I'm saying actually matters. I am free associating right now. We are just shooting this shit. And the other half is, here's my deepest, darkest secret. Please still love me afterwards. Yes. And they do. And that's really beautiful. Yes.

OK. So what happened? Thanks for asking. Unfortunately, Luke still does not have definitive proof either way. OK. I know. He has tried. He tried to find the LLC disclosure database in

his city, but it is not publicly accessible. And he like, you know, this is one of those situations where like he tried and then he gave up. Fair. And the thing is like, he's no longer in touch with Max and he's still in touch with Nikki, and they are still close. And so, like, every now and then, Luke will, like, make a joke and be like, ha ha ha ha, it's like when you were my landlord. And Nikki always laughs at these jokes, but never confirms or denies anything. Not denying is confirming in this case, to be completely honest.

If someone called me a landlord, I would immediately deny because I am not a landlord. Yes, because landlord is actually a villain. Landlord is a parasite. Yes. Luke is, like, in the process of moving to a new city, and he recently bought a duplex of his own. Love that for him.

And he was, like, catching up with his buddy, Nicky, and Nicky was like, oh, man, I love that city. Maybe I could move in upstairs. And Luke was like, I can't tell if this is evidence one way or the other, right? Like, why would you move in upstairs if you own a house, right? Like, or if this just means that like you miss when we lived right next to each other all the time. I mean, that's sweet. Nothing has been settled yet, but Luke misses getting to see his buddy all the time. And he hopes that Nikki decides to move in. So in a beautiful way,

it's possible that Luke is about to become Nikki's landlord. And you know what? That's the circle of life, baby. If that's what happens, if that's what it needs to take for the kind of scales to balance out here, I guess I'm okay with it. I mean, again, I don't support being a landlord.

I'm so sorry. You can be anything else you wanna be. Same. You could honestly work at the DMV and take horrible pictures of people for a living. The worst photos people have ever seen of themselves. That they then have to show to everyone every single day. Everyone for the next 10 years.

And I would still be more okay with that. I would be more okay with you ruining someone's life for a decade. Than with you being their secret landlord. Than with you being there, at the very least, be open about it and don't raise their rent by 40%. I know. I know. If my friend's my landlord, at the very least, you should be giving me a discount on rent.

Yeah, because you're getting the benefit of living with me. I do think this story is like a lesson that I personally hate to learn. Like after this episode published, everyone was like so mad and they were like, tell us if he's the landlord or not. Like, we have to know. And I was like, babes, I promise you that I want to know as bad as all of you. Like it ruins my life that I do not know if this man is a landlord or not. Maybe one day we'll know. That's so real. That's a really good thing to keep in mind for life.

Unfortunately, sometimes we just have to exist in a state of uncertainty. And as much as we all wish to disassociate through that, we must be present for it. I hate it just as much as you do. Would you say that we have to exist in the context of all in which we live and which came before us. And you know what?

I think I would say that. I would say that. I would also say we did it, Jo. Wow. And you know what? I think if you have updates on stories, we'll take them. And I think this is also a really good argument for sticking with gossip stories long haul, right? Like, don't unfollow people that you know the beginning of a story to and not the end.

We're going to need stories in the future. You need to lock in. Focus. Lock in. What you are doing is building suspense. Yeah. What you are doing is setting the scene. We have to have the prelude for

me to care once we get to the climax. Act one is never interesting. Exactly. Act one is just character building. We're putting the pieces on the board. So you know what? If your gossip has reached act five, please send those in to us. It's normalgossip at defactor.com. Rachel Hampton. Thank you so much for coming on this recap show. It was a pleasure as always to have you. This was truly the highlight of my summer. I'm going to be thinking about this forever.

I'm going to go get a fucking hot dog. Hell yeah, me too. huge thank you to all of those who gave us updates on their gossip stories. If you have a gossip story to share with us, you can email us at normalgossip at defector.com or leave us a voicemail at 2679Gossip. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or a friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at at normalgossip.

You can follow me on all social media at at McKinney Kelsey. This episode was produced by Jay Tolvera. Alex Sujong-Loughlin is Defector's supervising producer and Normal Gossip's co-creator. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Kuhn are Defector's business guys. Tom Lay is our editor-in-chief. Abigail Siegel is our intern. Dan McQuade runs our merch store, which you can find at NormalGossip.store.

Tara Jacoby designed our show art. Thank you to Rachel Hampton and Brandi Jensen for your help with this episode. Thank you to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector is a collectively owned, subscriber-based media company, and Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. Normal Gossip is hosted by me, Kelsey McKinney, and please remember, you did not hear this from me.