Normal Gossip - Splitting the Dog Vote with David Roth

Episode Date: December 20, 2023

Defector editor David Roth joins us for our SEASON FINALE! We're about to dive into the stupidest election drama you've ever heard. If you love Roth, check out his podcast, The Distraction! Sign up to hear Normal Gossip's next secret here. Support Radiotopia's fall fundraiser! You can support Normal Gossip directly by buying merch or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com. Our merch shop is run by Dan McQuade. You can also find all kinds of info about us and how to submit gossip on our Komi page: https://normalgossip.komi.io/ Episode transcript here. Follow the show on Instagram @normalgossip, and if you have gossip, email us at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP. Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney (@mckinneykelsey) and produced by Alex Sujong Laughlin (@alexlaughs). Jae Towle Vieira (@jaetowlevieira) is our associate producer. Abigail Segel (@AbigailSegel) is our intern. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Credits read by Kyra Romanello. Show art by Tara Jacoby. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia.

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Thanks so much. Hello and welcome to the season finale of season 5 of Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney and in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous parcel of gossip from the real world. Today I am so excited to have with me the internet's favorite boy, my coworker David Roth. How's it going? This is, so I'll take listeners inside the game for a moment. Kelsey asked me to write a little bio for myself and I wrote a bio. Oh, I have a bio.

Don't worry, I'm going to read it. I just want to make it clear that I would not say that I'm the internet's favorite boy in a setting where I thought it was recorded. I've said it many times. David Roth is an editor and a co-owner at Defector Media. His writing has appeared in the new Republic, GQ, The New Yorker, and many other places. He co-hosts the distraction podcast. He has a pet turtle named Marvin and is a huge advocate for having a little sweetie treaty in the afternoon. David Roth, welcome to the podcast.

Thank you for having me Kelsey. I appreciate it. It's good to be here. I'm so happy that you're here. Roth. Yes. Would you like to start me off with the classic first question and tell me what your relationship with Gossip is? I think my initial instinct is that I've always been like a freed of Gossip is like two,

because that's like I'm afraid of like alligators. Like I'm not afraid of Gossip is not going to beat me. But like I think the idea of. Okay. Gossip is not gonna eat me. But like, I think the idea of like, interpersonal gossip always did create kind of a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. And then the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I've been doing nothing but gossiping. And I've been surrounded by nothing but gossip.

Just professionally since I started getting proper jobs. Like, that's all it is. Yeah, I mean, those are the two parts of sports, gossip and the actual sport. Right, which, and if you weigh them out, it's like 90% not sports, and then the 10% where they're putting on their little uniforms and playing the game,

like that's neat, but the rest of it, and all the world building shit that you do as a fan where you're kind of like, but they don't like each other because their wives had a little bit of it. It was the thing, it was on Instagram. All of that stuff, like I know about that because some dude told me about it.

Right. Another thing that you write about is politics. Do you have anything you'd like to say about gossip and politics before we move on? I mean, that's like the dark-sided version of it, right? Like it's the, because there is a lot of it, but there's, it's funny, like the stuff that I'm willing to accept in terms of weird, petty back biting

between like wide receivers and quarterbacks. As soon as that's transposed to members of Congress, I instantly lose any sympathy for it. And I'm like, you need to grow up. Do you have an important job? Do your job, George Santos or whatever, you know, yes, because the difference is right is like one man's job is catch pointy shaped ball. And the other person's job is legislate and lead the country. Right. Just an upper down vote on should we have a war?

Is like a very different like tenor in responsibility. Please stop chirping. Most of the time politics gossip sucks. Like it's just bad vibes and it's annoying people. Like people who like really couldn't have any other job. Like a normal job. Like the best case scenario is like they own a car dealership that has like a family of raccoons living in it

that they can't get to leave or whatever. Like there's not a competent or likeable cohort. But I've been kind of reconciled with like, like the George Santos related gossip really is kind of pre-mose shit. I just don't, yeah. I don't like it. Like I don't like that he's in Congress.

He represents Long Island, which, as somebody who's from New Jersey, I have a whole narcissism small difference in relationship with Long Island. But there's stuff about the Santos-related shit that I actually, like, I have to tip my cap. That is one of the annoying things about ethics. It's often unethical things. They're funny. Yeah. That's a little fucked up up in my opinion. No argument there. Um, Roth, I was told that you brought a little gossip for me. Is that true? I have.

So I struggled with this. I was trying to, it gave me a new appreciation for what you all do here because I've been trying to put it together. And I'm realizing that most of the stuff that seems like it should be gossip is just the fact that I live in like a big building full of unreasonable people. So what I settled on is something closer to home. I have a turtle named Marvin as you know. It's good lad. So when I got Marvin with his late brother,

he was being sold out of like one of those buckets of like drywall on Canal Street in Chinatown. You got two turtles, a small amount of food and a tiny little case for $20. And this was like- I mean- This was 21 years ago. It was an impulse buy and I did not know at the time, first of all, it's a strange impulse. I'm gonna own that. Like that it's- Okay, well strange impulse. I'm gonna own that. Like, that it's...

Okay, well, thank you. I can't imagine how many people walked by that day and were like, cut me a piece. I want to do that. Yeah. Like... That man sold one pair of turtles in like a month and it was he... Right.

The only takes is the right idiot. And that was me at that moment. But I didn't know that turtles live like, basically as long as people do. Like I'll have Marvin Lord willing for the rest of my life. And yeah, they live, it's like pet birds. I'll, okay. This will connect later.

But when I did bring Marvin to a veterinarian, this was something that I learned. She's basically like, you can expect another 20 odd years. So super. And how long have you, you can expect another 20 odd years. So, super. And how long have you had Marvin at this time? 21 years. So it is, uh, Marvin's gonna have a midlife crisis by a convertible. Oh, yeah.

Like, he's already, I think, kind of being like, so this is it. Like, we never go on vacation together. It's just, it's just, I just sit here by the window. All right, cool. Sweet. I got him. I didn't know how to have a pet turtle. That's a stretch of sitting here by the window. All right, cool, sweet. I got him, I didn't know how to have a pet turtle. The turtles that I got weirdly, I don't know that this law has changed.

They're not illegal to possess, but they are illegal to sell in the state of New York. Okay. Not because they're an invasive species or anything just because like there's a lot of weird laws involving pets. So I basically did a crime, brought these two turtles home

when I was in my early 20ss and still have one of them. I figured they were like fish. It's a rebellious. Yeah, it is. It's actually the not, but single noughtiest thing that I've done in my life. So, I brought the turtle home and I got like a tank for it and I got some, I put some gravel down, I got a a tank for it and I got some I put some gravel down

I got a little rock for the guys to sit on and That was just sort of what I thought you were supposed to do because that's what you do like with a fish in one way And then also I know the turtles need to be dry. So I did that Years later I met a guy this was during a heatwave a man who was walking his turtle I guess would be the term that you'd have for it in my neighborhood Okay, like the turtle was on a leash? Well, it was not on a leash, but they're not super fast.

That part of, I know that's kind of the one thing everybody knows about it, but it's true. Not a lot of burst, not a lot of stamina. So I saw this turtle walking down the street, I saw a man kind of keeping an eye on it, and I was like, I'm a turtle owner myself, like welcome to the brotherhood. And he gave me a business card that was his name. And then underneath it, it said turtle expert. And I was like, I got to know, it didn't have contact information. It was just like a identification thing.

So I asked him about his turtle. He gave me some tips. One thing he said was you got to get rid of the gravel and the turtle tank. It's not good for them. So I did. Next time I clean the turtle tank, I threw a bunch of rocks out with the garbage, which is just a long chain of me doing normal shit. That's what the rest of the story is going to be. So I got rid of it. The turtles didn't seem to mind. They didn't seem to notice. They're not. Okay. You know, talkative. Years later, I'm not continuing to clean the turtle tank whenever it gets gross, take the guys out,

wash everything off, rinse everything out. Every now and then I would still find little bits of gravel, little small rocks in there and be like, that's weird, how did I miss that for six or seven years? Right, how is this pebble still here? Right. There should be no more pebble still here? Right. There should be no more pebble. And I assumed it was like, I don't know,

it was in the filter or whatever. Stuck in a little tree. Yeah, and there's not a lot of places to hide in the tank, but I, you know, and both lazy and, you know, clean the eternal tank's not fun. So I was just like, all right, let's get this over with. So you weren't investigating. You were just like, these are the secret pebbles that live in the

tank. Yeah, but I didn't give it any thought. I should have, because if it's a red flag that there's a rock where there wasn't a rock before, that's like not something that happens very much, even in a geological context. And but in this case, I ignored it for, let's say, five years, probably more than that. Okay. Okay. At some point, Marvin being a turtle made a mistake and he, some of the little gusset

and little plastic stuff at the bottom of the tank had come loose and Marvin being a turtle ate it. Marvin! And I would have said, if I could have reasoned with him, don't eat that, I'll give you food. That's not food. I have food for him. But apparently, this is something I later learned from a veterinarian that this is like,

that's all that turtles do. They sleep, they like to sit on a rock, sometimes they like to be in the water. And the other thing they do is eat every single thing that they find. They're just like me. Yes, I was going to say, it's an energy that I've embodied throughout my own life, which I think is. It take after you. Yeah.

It's nice. It learned it from watching me. So he eats the plastic stuff. I'm worried. He's getting agitated. And I have to start looking for a vet for the first time. They're very easy pets. They don't need to get regular checkups or shots

in the way the dogs or cats do. How much trouble could a turtle conceivably get in if all you're ever doing is moving it from one tank to the next? Right, but now he's eaten a small piece of rubber. Yes, which leads us to the secret that my turtle had been keeping from me for more than a decade, which was that

when we had those rocks in the tank, Marvin was absolutely going to town and snacking on the rocks, eating them. Marvin! So he's getting upset, finally, just throwing rocks into the back of his mouth like popcorn. Yeah, like he was the way that I eat cheeses-its after like low-dose edible. That is how Marvin was eating the most definitionally inedible thing that exists on Earth. So the way I find this out is finally he, this is the gross part of the story. I apologize, he yorks up some of the plastic. I get that out of the tank so he's not tempted to eat it again because Lord knows the decision making is extremely suspect.

I figure this is the end of it. At some point, over the evening hours. So after I do that, I'm like soothing, Marvin in the way that I can't pet his shell. I don't even know if he likes it, but I don't, it's like all I could do. Over night, Marvin disgourged, I would say two dozen small rocks,

one way or another in the tank. What? It was years worth of the random pebbles that I found. I guess that Marvin had just had those in his body for 10 years. The weird piece of rubber agitated them. Yes, but at some point that got in there and sort of mixed it up.

And so they came out, I got them out of there quickly But at some point that got in there and sort of mixed it up. And so they came out, I got them out of there quickly and then started frantically trying to find a vet at that point. Right because you're like, my turtle has had dozens of rocks in there every year. So I found Lady, she's on the other side of town, I put Marvin in his little tank and I got on the bus with my turtle because at this point there's no making this situation less deranged so she takes a look at Marvin and checks him out. They did an x-ray which was nice which made me feel no further rocks which is very reassuring but basically the

person did tell me this is normal don't put any more rocks in front of your turtle he's most definitely going to eat them or try to eat them. But otherwise he should be okay, probably got another couple of decades in him and so that was that. And I've continued to you know, lit, it's been a year. Marvin is behaving more or less as well as I think I could expect him to be okay. But our relationship is different because I know now he has this whole other life. Yeah. Like an animal whose brain is like maybe the size of a lentil,

not notably more cognitively powerful than a lentil. Successfully kept a secret from me for 15 years. Wow. Does that make you feel sad or does it make you feel impressed? successfully kept a secret from me for 15 years. Wow. Yeah. Does that make you feel sad or does it make you feel impressed? Honestly more impressed. Like, is it not? Again, this comes back to the fact that, like,

if Marvin had the capacity to be like, I got a level with you, I am absolutely full of rocks. I would have been like, all right, thank you for telling me. Like, let's get to work on this. When you can't see anything, he just climbs up on the rock and been like, all right, thank you for telling me. Like, let's get to work on this. But you can't see anything. He just climbs up on the rock and is like, eh. And that's like the extent of our discourse is that. Rob, thank you.

I love to discuss about a peg. Thank you. Kelsey, I pray. So transition us, can you tell me how you're feeling going into this election year? A full of dread. Thank you for asking. Yeah. Oh, you're so welcome. I had to write a lot about Trump during his presidency. And then when he was gone to the extent that I thought he was gone, I was just

kind of like, all right, cool. Like, I'm free. Now I can go back to writing my little posts about which baseball teams I find irritating or whatever. And yeah, I guess I'll never be free, which is cool. And that's, that's a bad feeling. How are you feeling about it? You, uh, you pumped, you're ready to get out there and have some discourse? Uh, no, I'm also feeling full of dread. Um, a lot of people are going to be interested in the presidential election next coming year in elections about senators and representatives and judges.

And those are all very important for registering to vote as good. Uh, but could I interest you today in hearing about a much stupider kind of election? Oh my gosh, yes. I'll take the stupidest election gossip you've got. I've got it. Our friend of a friend today, we're gonna call her Talia. Hello Talia.

Talia lives in the Southwest. Beautiful desert town. She grew up here, she loves it, but it's the kind of place with like so much sun and sky and space that people become like a little eccentric. In some ways they are normally eccentric and in other ways they are not so normal. All right. So for example like a normal way that these people are eccentric is that they have a Facebook group for the town where people fight. They also like fight in this group about normal things. Like, which of the chain grocery stores are best? Right. And like, which locations are bougieous and which locations are most crowded and which locations

they hate. But they also love to fight about politics, obviously, in this group. And because this is the kind of town that is like a little eccentric, they love to give people nicknames in this town. Okay. So for example, someone named Matthew, who believes that the earth is flat, they now call flat view. Good. All right. That's solid. Honestly, like, whatever, it might be a little cruel to do that. But if you bring enough craft to the nicknaming, I think I got to allow it. Yeah. This is just an example of flat view is not actually important to our story. I just thought you would like to know.

The most important member of our story today is named Cheez It. All right. Cheez It is the mayor. This is not necessarily what you want, but let's say I don't know much about Cheez It's policies. I just feel like I know a little bit about Cheez It's tan necessarily what you want, but let's say I don't know much about cheese. It's policies. I just feel like I know a little bit about cheese. It's tanning habits. You do know a lot about eccentric mayors, though.

Can you tell me the pros and cons of having an eccentric mayor? I think in some ways, it's like there's a harm reduction argument in that if that person is the mayor, then they don't have another job where you might have to deal with them more often. You know, yeah, they're not like your doctor. Right. Like, so if they're in the mayor's office, then they're not like, yeah, right, performing a physical on you or like fixing your car.

They can't cause you immediate death. Yeah, there's more of an administrative process, which is good. It slows them down. Yeah. So is cheese it not an affectionate nickname? Because I'm a, I think of cheese. It's just being kind is good. It slows them down. Yeah. So is cheese it not an affectionate nickname? Because I'm a, I think of cheeses as being kind of good. Oh yeah, thank you so much for asking. Cheese it is the actual name. Okay. Because cheese it is the pet mayor of this town. All right, go on. The pet mayor is in the mayor's culture department. In this town,

the pet mayor is on a two-year term. Okay. Every two years, they elect a new pet mayor. So when you say pet mayor, you're talking about an animal pet. Yes. Good. All right, cool. This is an elected pet. People go to the polls. Yes.

People Pokemon go to the polls every two years. They don't actually go to the literal poll. They have to do it separately for legal reasons. Yeah, I was going to say online poll. You don't want to force the pets to like register with a party and then they got a campaign donations to the whole thing. Yeah, you don't want that. Think about cheese it. This is cheese it's fifth two-year term as pet mayor. Oh my gosh. This is really more of a pet president for life scenario. Yeah, there are no term limits on pet mayor, which is maybe a flaw depending on your opinion.

So, cheese that has been pet mayor of this town for a decade, how do you feel about this? I mean, I want to know more about cheese that I'd want to review some footage. But I feel like in general, that's not something that necessarily happens by accident. When a person is mayor for 10 years, something is not cooking right.

But if a pet, or they've, yeah, but I don't think that, and again, I'm looking forward to being proven wrong if this is the case, I don't think that cheese it could warp the mechanisms of power such that cheese it remains in power for a decade. Probably, it's just that cheese it is like, like one of those spannules that climbs on your leg in a cute way, it's like a nice way to be.

Yeah, our friend of a friend, Talia, she loves cheese it. She's like, cheese it is a great pet bear. Very quiet, very calm, kids love cheese it. What kind of pet do you think cheese it is? So I'm hoping that it's like a nice dog, but I feel like because we're in the Southwest, like all bets are off, if you were like, cheese it is a gila monster, but like a nice gila monster. It'd be like, it's interesting. So, is, so is cheese it, what I'm hoping for is like a jid pug with like very serene vibes, but I'm thinking that's probably not right.

Wrong. Cheese it is a goldfish. Also good. As pet mayor, cheese it has many jobs. Cheese it attends restaurant openings. She's it can't write endorsements of businesses. Really? Yes, there is a sticker that says she's it approved

and has a picture of she's it. They can get like slapped on thing. That's excellent. The pet mayor also has a column in the local papers. She's it has a lot of opinions like, you know, adult litter, papers. She's it has a lot of opinions like, you know, don't litter. Um, good. Matter smart. Microplastics are bad. Very powerful position. These are all positions that I also hold. I would have thought that I was

not qualified to be a pet mayor, but it turns out that like policy wise, she's a deny are pretty well. Why? Yeah, you may be asking though, how does the goldfish attend a restaurant opening? I'm assuming that they have a security detail or just a guy carrying them in a bowl. Carrying around in a bowl, exactly. So similarly to when Marvin went on the bus, that's kind of cheese its whole life.

That's incredible. I mean, I feel like in some ways that was probably the best day of Marvin's life. That's incredible. I mean, I feel like in some ways that was probably the best day of Marvin's life. It's great to think that for cheese it, like, gets to live that experience multiple times. Like every time a Cudoba opens in town. Exactly.

It's great. Cheese it gets to go crisp in it. The pet mayor's biggest job in this town is at the fall. There's a big county fair, and the pet mayor is the host of the fair, famously. Yeah, that all scans more or less. Yeah. How are you feeling at this point? A little worried for cheese it if I'm being honest. Like this is- Okay, say more. It seems like a lot of work for a goldfish. Again, not famously one of the more forward-thinking

organisms on this. Yeah. Small brain, little brain. Yeah, but a short memory as well. So it's not famously one of the more forward thinking organisms. Yeah. Small brain, little brain. Yeah, but a short memory as well. So it's the sort of thing where like, even if this goes bad, cheese is gonna wake up the next day, and like that was an amazing fair, probably.

I hate to tell you this, but your feeling of dread is accurate. Usually, no pet's die on this podcast, but one day in May, a whole summer before cheese its 11th County fair, cheese it goes belly up. Everyone is very sad, but everyone is like, cheese it had a good life, he was mayor, he's going to the mayor's fish bowl in the sky. You know, that's an incredibly long run for Goldfish. Ten years is a long not just a

long time to be in power for any pet, but ten years is a long time for a Goldfish to like not be dead. Yes. Whenever there's a death in office, we have to ask, do you suspect foul play? I mean, where goldfishes are concerned, I feel like that is overdoing it. Just in the sense that there's like goldfish die for plenty of reasons, you know? Usually it's just like the, you know, it's their time. But yeah, you're right. I mean, this is like, if cheese it is all over town, if everywhere that, you know, you're going, you're seeing a sticker of cheese it endorsing something or crucially not seeing it and being like, well, what does cheese it know about this place that I don't?

You're going to make a lot of enemies in 10 years in power. Yeah. So I'm a little concerned about that part of it. The town folk are concerned and they are gossiping and they are posting in the Facebook group and they are like, we are very concerned about Jesus' death. To the point that Jesus' owner is forced to issue a statement, Jesus' owner is like, no one needs to worry. Cheese it had a long and happy life. Cheese it's that suspects that a lifetime of being given snacks by children did him in. But that's the way to go if you're a goldfish. That's the way to go.

And I'm assuming the statement is like, I do not encourage flat earth Matthew's speculation that cheese it was a hologram or anything like this. The discourse is not great, but everybody is generally pulling in the same direction. Like everyone who dies in office while we are sad about Jesus' death, the process must move on. There's a county fair. That seat cannot be empty on day one of the County Fair. I agree. So, but is there there's not a chain of succession for the mayoral pet. Thank you for asking. This is a question I had for you, which is what do you know about vacant executive seats and like how these positions of power could be filled? I mean, ordinarily, there's a chain of succession. So theoretically, like, if there had been, like, sort of a resilient process built in here

that it would be after cheese it's passing, someone from the human mayor's office or some other, you know, part of the political establishment would knock on the door of somebody who owns, like a beagle and be like, I have some great news about crackers. Like, you're gonna wanna, to like get everybody together for this. And then, you know, you announce either like an interim pet mayor or like,

because you need to have an election eventually, but the seat can't be empty for too long or else there creates a power vacuum and then anarchy. So what's their process? Do they have a process? Something I learned in my research of this is that in many states, the governor just gets to appoint someone to a position like if a senator retires, the governor just gets to be like,

this is the new senator. And what party that person was before is irrelevant, which is very interesting and scary. Yeah. Do you think that that would be a good policy for a pet mayor? I think it's a better policy for a pet mayor than it is for like a United States senator. Only again, because the risk seems somewhat lower. Then like, because a lot of times governors, it's another one of those sorts of jobs

where people just agree to elect someone so that they won't have to see them as much. Yes. So, in this case, I don't know who would necessarily be making that decision, but it does seem like the stakes are, you don't want to say lower because a pet mayor is important, but they're lower. Yes. The problem here is that the pet mayor intentionally has a short term, right? A two year term. So theoretically, a pet mayor should not die in office. Right. And so there

was no plan. Terrible. Additionally, this town has only had a pet mayor for 20 years and she's it has been in office for 10. Right. This is again, one of those things where it's really easy to come up with like depressing American political parallels where it's just sort of like people are just voting for this person because they like forgot that you could have someone else as your senator. Yes. And that's how you wind up with like John Cornyn. Yeah.

Yeah. Like people that are basically like if the cryptkeeper went to college like those people are like stupid in the United States Senate, that's not what you want. Yes, there is no precedent for what to do here. So a special committee is called in the human mayor's office, and it is decided that out of honor for Cheezet, a special election will be held before the fair. elect a new mayor to finish Jesus' term. This seems like the right thing to do. That said, I feel like there's probably a lot of trauma

in the community and people might not be ready to like, accept either a new mayor or just like deal with the usual mud slicking that I imagine predominates in a pet mayoral campaign. Yes, the other problem is that this is decided in May after she's at Steph, and the fair is in the fall. So people are gonna vote on Labor Day so that the mayor can be inaugurated at the fair,

which means that there's a shortened campaign window. Yeah, this is one of those things. Everything that you're saying to me is completely insane. And yet I'm like nodding being like, oh, that's smart. Good. Have it on a holiday. That way more people can vote. Yeah, go on. It's just good. So far, I'm pretty impressed with the plan that they're rolling out. Yeah, the decisions made by the human mayor's office are announced in a classic way on the local news network. Yeah. So people know the people know the clip from the local news network is posted in the Facebook group. The type here that this story takes place in is a

time in which this town is ungoverned for several months. Yes. There is no one to attend the elementary school graduation. There is no one to Chris in restaurants. The only benefit of this is that one of the restaurants that opened during the period with no pet mayor was a sushi restaurant, so cheese it was not forced to do that. Yeah, which is a small mercy, like I'm assuming that cheese it would have endorsed, but that's the sort of thing that, you know, would reflect poorly on your legacy. Yeah, it's hard when you're forced to endorse the death of your homies, you know. Yeah, in there and being like, wow, they look great.

Yeah, exactly. Our friend of a friend, Talia, has a dog named Wolfgang. Wolfgang is named after the composer Mozart. Yes, because he has like weird, flippy hair, like a founding father. Okay. It's a kind of dog that our colleague, Samur, would really like.

Oh, yes. So could you describe this dog? So kind of like a roomy eyed senior Chiwawa, like the sort of dog that you would pick up and put in, like you know, you you get sweatshirts and you got the one big pocket in the front? Yeah. Not only could you put this dog into that pocket,

it would fit in in such a way that no one would know. Like you could stick your dog into a movie. So yes, so is Wolfgang like 13? Like all of Samar's Chiwawa are things that like, they're adorable, but they're also like a little unholy, like their tongue never goes back in their mouth and they look really tired all the time. Yes, all of these words you're saying are exactly accurate.

Wolfgang is 12 years old, he is a very small white dog, he is a little fucked up, his tongue is always sticking out. Fantastic. He cannot walk in a straight line. He's the happiest dog on earth. Also, I don't know if you know the answer to this question. Are non-residents of this town allowed to vote in this mayoral election? Great question.

No, they are not. All right, because I would love to throw my support vigorously behind the dog. You just described it. Do you think if you're tall yet, and you have Wolfgang, this little tongue sticking out, can't walk in a straight line dog, do you submit Wolfgang for the pet mayoral race?

I mean, I'd certainly be inclined to do it because it sounds like a pretty special animal that I think people would really enjoy. But I guess the concern here is like whether your neighbors think that you're being power hungry, or I guess they would say that Wolfgang is being power hungry, which seems completely unfair to hang on a dog that can't even walk in a straight line. Talia is like, I see some pros here, right? She's like Wolfgang would absolutely win the hearts and minds of the people of this town

with his funky appearance and winning attitude. She's like, put the con is that I don't want to write a column for the paper. Oh, I hadn't thought about that. Yeah. She's kind of like, oh wow, that's incredible that cheese it can type. We'll all be so informed about the perils of microplastics.

But yes, all right. Obviously, yeah, the person writes the column. That makes more sense. Yeah. I'm sorry to take the sheet magic off of this. Talia is like, I don't want to write the column for the paper. She's also like, I love to lurk in the Facebook group. I love to observe the town drama.

And I feel that this is going to be a contentious election. And I do not want to submit my beautiful dog to that. Yeah, to have to deal with the mud slinging in the character assassination. There's a lot of good pets that probably never run for candidates for Petmeyer. The first is Serb Minnite Vy Aguana. Serb Minnite is an octurnal Aguana. He wears a tiny cowboy hat with a tiny turquoise stud. Okay. That's all there is to know about Serb Minnite Vy Aguana.

The second, Petmeyer candidate in the lead is a husky named Cadillac. Okay. I'd want to know more, but I like the idea of a husky in leadership, although I think that again, if I had to choose, those are not smart dogs either. I think I would rather have a small, less messy dog at a restaurant opening than a husky, but I don't know. I'd have to know more about Cadillac's positions on stuff. What else do you know about huskies? Are you setting me up to talk about sneaker roll for real loud to do that? Oh, yes. No, I wasn't, but please. So this is a neighborhood celebrity.

Like, there's a dog in our neighborhood that my wife and I have, like, basically elevated to the status of a minor supernatural creature that is a very big, very fluffy husky whose owners put it in those little shoes that dogs wear, like the little boots. And so we call him sneaker wolf. And if you see sneaker wolf all day long, you will have good luck. He's blessed. So yes, I don't know if Cadillac's got it, like sneaker wolves got it, but they're powerful animals, but they're not uncomplicated animals.

Talia is very against Cadillac being mayor, because she thinks that a pet mayor should be able to go places and not create loud chaos. Right. That a pet mayor should be seen and not hurt. It's going to be hard with a husky. Husky is, they're yelling. Yeah. All the time. They've got shit to say.

Yep. Hollering. Talia's like, this is why she's it was the perfect mayor. He was inside a bowl. He never yelled. Hahaha. Just literally incapable of doing it. All right, so yeah.

Is this inspiring Talia to like, because sometimes this is, I think, again, many political campaigns have started this way. There's two candidates. You don't think they're worthwhile, and so you would start to think to yourself, why not my half-blind Chihuahua? No, this is not inspiring her. Right now, she is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee. She is a whole new employee because she is against Cadillac's owner. Oh. Cadillac's owner is a man we are going to call jungle red. That's an ominous nickname here. Uh-huh. His nickname came about because he was called red growing up because he had red hair. Then his nephew became the quarterback of the local football team. So then he was Uncle Red, but this man also

owns a junkyard on the outside of town and makes strange and intriguing metal sculptures. So now he's called Jungle Red. All right, good. Yeah. So you could see that this is in the same spirit of the town that named someone flat for you. Yeah. It's a town of punny people. Junkal red enters Cadillac the Husky into the mayoral race. That's fine. The way that you enter your pet into the pet mayor race is you submit a photo and a bio. And those things go on the pet mayor's website. OK.

And then people will aggregate that onto the Facebook group for you to see. Right? So it says vote for Serb in night and hear his hobbies or whatever. Yep. He loves his little hat. Yes. Jungle Red is like, that is a not enough for me. Jungle Red begins campaigning hard immediately. He's posting to the Facebook group every day, reminding people to vote. He's texting people. He's making t-shirts with Cadillac on them

and handing them out. So the first two things, we think that Jungle Red needs to respect people's boundaries, but then the third thing makes me think that I should have a t-shirt that has Cadillac on it. So it's complicated. Yeah, it's confusing.

Reasonable people are like, I'm very annoyed by this because this is a fake election for Pet Mayor. And this man is just destroying the Facebook group with all of this. He's cheating. Yeah. Yes. Unreasonable people are also upset, but they are upset because they are like, this is disrespectful to the memory of Jesus. They're like, nobody should serve as Pet Mayor. Yes. All right. Yeah. That's also an unreasonable position,

but again, it's easier for me to understand that than the idea of just like bulk texting everyone that's ever been to your junkyard, and they look hot alike once you know like, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're way to the pool. Like that's, shouldn't be doing that. One day, Talia is out in the like Square of this town with the Wolfgang and she sees Jungle Red running around a handing out flyers

On the flyer is a meme It's why you think that sounds already Meme's are for computers and phones Why do you think that sounds already? Meme's are for computers and phones. Don't put the bottle up. Anyway, go ahead. So whatever. The meme is the meme of that guy pointing at a butterfly.

Yep. The butterfly on the meme that she has handed on the flyer is titled Cadillac. OK. And at the bottom, the text says, is this the pet mayor? That's not how you do that meme, though. I don't think. I think that is not. Get correct, I mean, I love where junkal red's head is at.

I guess in the abstract. But yeah, I don't, well, whatever. Can you explain why this is wrong? In case someone doesn't know? Well, because the meme is, the idea is somebody confusing the butterfly for some other thing because they don't have any context. If you are the guy in the meme, you don't know shit.

You don't know what a butterfly is. You think it's something else because you are for reasons of self-interest. Do you tell Junglered that this meme is wrong? Certainly not. But this is what separates me as somebody who is, I don't know, conflict diverse. From somebody who is like going back and forth about whether or not their dog should

be mayor, I'm hoping that Talia was like, Hey, you don't understand how this meme works do you? No, see, in this sense, you and Talia are aligned. Good. Talia is like, not my circus, not my monk. Right. I'm not getting it. Well, did this. Thank you for the flyer.

I love it. That is the right move. Like never correct someone on a meme IRL. Like at that point, like you're both in the wrong. Yeah, that's not making you look good. No. To be like, I'm actually, this is not how you use this meme. That's it.

When Talia gets home, she's like, oh, okay, whatever. I've had this the whole day. I'm going to look at the Facebook group. And it seems based on vibes that Serb Midnight is pulling ahead. But there have been several new additions to the mayoral race. And so she clicks through to the pet mayor's page. And she's scrolling through when she notices something. There on the page is Wolfgang. Oh.

And it has his name and it has her name and it has a little bio that says that Wolfgang loves hiking. That certainly can't be true though. He can't walk in a straight line. Right. And Talia is like, I did not submit this. I would never say that Wolfgang liked hiking. Who submitted this? What do you do here?

I mean, this is what's kind of hard about it, because again, in the same way that correcting someone on a meme sort of like implicates you in a conversation that you may not want to be implicated in, like she, it feels like Talia has made her decision that she and Wolfgang will stay outside of this process. Obviously, someone jumped her into it, but now there's nothing that you can do to sort of extricate yourself that doesn't involve getting more and more,

is political intrigue the right word here, getting it. It doesn't, like, leave you knee-deep in this political injury. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Talia is right in line with you. She's like, I am not thrilled about Wolfgang being on this page and being submitted. She's like, but probably it's just because he's like so cute that someone submitted him out of love. She's like, and there are like a ton of other weird pets on this page, right? Like turtles and birds and all sorts of things that could be pet mayor. So she's like, I'm not concerned about this. But there's a risk there too.

I mean, obviously you don't want to be like texting your buddies to be like, hey, did you run my fucking pet for mayor? But also, again, like as soon as you start doing it, then you're doing it. So like, as somebody who is profoundly lazy in many ways, like there's a part of me that would be like, all right, well, let's see what happens here.

The easy way out, maybe it winds up with your pet being mayor, but it also, like just not doing anything doesn't require you to do anything. Then in July, the local news releases its second straw poll. With two months to election day, it says, Serb midnight, the iguana is leading the poll results with 65%. That's a commanding lead. Cadi, the Husky has 35%.

But Wolfgang has 5%. So Wolfgang is in like a, like not even a spoiler role. This is like a protest vote for people that have issues one way or the other. Still, there's a risk there. I understand that concern. But again, as somebody who likes to stay out of things, I'd be like, oh, that's 5%.

He's not gonna win, right? Although, okay, go on. Okay, go on. Talia is like, how did Wolfgang get 5% of this vote? She's like, I'm not campaigning. He's just on this page. Like how did he do this? So she goes to Facebook page and she searches her dog's name. And she finds a post from someone who has posted Wolfgang's photo and bio and been like,

this is the most ugly cute dog I've ever seen. Which again, ordinarily is the sort of thing that as the parent of an ugly dog, you'd be like, thank you. He really appreciates that. Yes. Talia's like, wow, that's so true. He is an ugly cute dog. Yeah, boy, his eyes stick out so much. But then she looks at the comment and all of these people are like saluting like I pledge my allegiance to Wolfgang because he's ugly cute and I want to see him advance. So she's finding out that her dog's got shooters like her dog has like a great team that

she did not authorize. Yes. Alright. So now even though she shouldn't care, she's like, uh-oh, I'm now in a dangerous position. Where Wolfgang is a grassroots movement, that I did not approve. So many such cases for candidates where you suddenly find yourself beholden to a base that you didn't really consciously cultivate. Most of the people that have that happened to them, though, are like awful people that want to be in office and not dogs that sleep for 19 hours a day.

Yes, because of this, Talia is like, oh, I need to pay extra special close attention to what's happening in this mayoral race. Less, my dog be elected pet mayor. So she is very up on the drama. First, people are mad because Junkal Red is posting another bad meme every single day. Then, they're mad because he is mad that only people get mad when he posts. Then, someone accuses Junkal Red of going negative? Yes. And then Jungle Red accuses Sir Midnight

of slandering him. So I wanna be fair at all parties involved here. Although I know that probably the smarter move is to be incredibly unfair to all parties. Not just the podcast services either, just like these are all, it's pretty deranged. Like just at baseline here, I feel compelled to ask, has Sir Midnight's slandered Cadillac at all? Very good question. So not directly. Well, yeah, that's how you're good candidates do it. And no one is really sure what Junkal Red is talking about, right? Everyone's like, it's a guess it's possible, but they all hate Junkal Red.

Because of this salue of events, the moderators ban campaigning within the group. Smart. But it is, it is weird to have there be like a no politics rule in your Facebook group, but it's entirely about things that have four legs. Yes. All right. This obviously does not help, because before Jungle Red could post, now he is being suppressed, and he is being silenced.

I was just, his speech is being, yeah, this is terrible. I sort of, whatever, I can feel sympathetic in the way that like, I feel like there's politics and everything, you know, like you write about baseball and you're really writing about capitalism or you write about like a movie, but you're really writing about the culture that produced the movie. That's probably harder with an election where all the, you know, competitors are pets, but I feel like there's like, Jungle Red could make that case.

Yes. And he does almost overnight. Jungle Red installs, I would say, maybe public art exhibits around the town. We're at every major intersection. He plants car hoods in the ground. And on one side, he has painted pictures of Cadillac, and on the other side, he has spray painted vote caddy. I mean, I would give him some credit for not going negative, because I had this idea about being like, what do we really know about like those ads where it turns the image abruptly turns black and white and it's like, just in the end. Those ads where it turns, the image abruptly turns black

and white and it turns white. But I do think that said, you can't, like with the power of having a lot of large format metal garbage on your property comes a certain amount of responsibility, you have to keep it there. Oh, so you don't like this. I mean, I respect it, but I don't like it. If that makes sense.

You know, like, I feel like it's really good that he's advocating for his dog the way that he is. But also, I feel like the way he's advocating for his dog is bad. Yes, this creates chaos in the Facebook group because the question is, is this an inventive way to campaign or is this vandalism? Yeah. But Jungle Red isn't allowed to post anymore. So in order to defend himself and continue to campaign for Cadillac, he and Cadillac are now everywhere all the time.

Oh gosh. Like, they're just retail politics. Yes. They are at the bar. Cadillac is yelling. They're at church. Cadillac is not yelling. There at a restaurant opening, Cadillac's yelling.

Yeah. There at every meeting for the fair and it's planning, at some of them, Cadillac is yelling. I mean, this is, it can't be helped. And yet at the same time, it could be helped. I was gonna say, like, if you bring your dog, let me, let me amend that statement. If you bring your dog, let me let me amend that statement. If you bring your large, how-layer-old shit, it might howl at the shit that you bring it to,

then be one way to avoid that scenario would be to not bring your dog everywhere. Yeah. In August, few weeks before the election, someone post to the town Facebook group. Two photos. One of them is a picture of Caddy from a restaurant opening on the main street. One of them is a photo of Caddy at a city council meeting. The text with these photos reads Restaurant opening colon August 4th 7 p.m. City Council meeting August 4th 7 p.m. Nice 17 question marks So the concern here is that not just that

Jungle Red is running a you know a dirty campaign, but that possibly, this is like a, we're in like second shooter, grassy, no, there it is. Is there another dog that's like, oh, at like, is happening at different places across town? Yes. Intriguing, go on.

The accusation here is that there is more than one, Catti, and this rapidly evolves. People are like, wow caddy has been everywhere Why does caddy only yell sometimes? It's a good question though. Could it be that one caddy yells and one is quiet? Hmm, this feels a little flat earth math, you ee, to me. I'm gonna be honest with you. Like I feel like I'm seeing his fingerprints on this.

And yet I feel like these are totally valid questions. You know, so how is Junkelred gonna answer these accusations? This is the test of a campaign, I think. Yes, everyone is like, is Junkelred pulling some kind of weird husky parent trap where he's sending all these huskies out into the world? You gotta ask the question, right? Junko Red, post to the Facebook group. He says, I thought campaigning wasn't allowed in here.

Well, well, well. Then, he posts again, and is like, if anyone wants to come over to my house and look through all my stuff, you could see that there's only one husky here. Cadillac has nothing to hide. Exactly. The moderators lock the comments on both of these posts. This does not assuage anyone. No, it never does. I was going to say, I mean, there's no way to be a good moderator in a scenario like this, but you can't I was gonna say, I mean, there's no way to be a good moderator in a scenario like this, but you can't, once the question of the second husky is in the air, you have to let people have it out, I feel like.

Yeah, they gotta hash it out, they gotta figure it out. Whether there's one husky or two huskies, then one week out from the election, someone posts an article that says that, when a guana is our stressed stressed they can bite people. See that's dirty pool. That's what I was expecting from the negative campaigning thing. No one mentions Serb in night in this post but everyone knows it's about him because the post is added by a anonymous account titled, Mothers Against a Guana Mayors. Oh, she may notice how's it acronym MAME.

Yeah. Again, we've been over the fact that everybody involved in this needs to like just be powered down for a little while. Just some time to work on their shit. And yet at the same time, MAME is like, it's not even a nearly a forced acronym. Like, I guess you'd have to see that the people involved their mothers, but like, solid, it works. Yeah. Do you believe that this is opa research being deployed

against sermon diet? It absolutely feels like that, right? Like, I mean, I think there are probably our valid concerns about getting bit by iguanas. I didn't realize that I myself had those concerns until just now, now I kinda do. Well, you are afraid of alligators. Yeah, right. I was gonna, but that's because I saw alligators when I was a kid. I'd never been pursued by an iguana.

Oh. It's not too late. Yeah, what I was gonna say, I've got a lot of living to do. This feels almost like beyond the jungle red method because it seems like his type of politics and campaigning has been very Old-fashioned press the flesh, you know put your dog on a float at the July 4th or 8th type like version of doing it whereas this has like More of a contemporary campaign,

kind of like a political action committee. Yes. Would have put this ad up. What do you think the effect of this is gonna be? I mean, I think whatever validity there is to the argument of someone could get bit at the sushi restaurant opening if in Aguana is there. Uh huh.

And stress. Yes. You know, any of us who, and the division of the international responsibility, like I'm getting stressed out, just thinking about it. But the idea of like, we, you know, catalyzed negatives are known, right? Which is that he never shuts up and he makes wolf sounds everywhere he goes. He probably sheds, but that's like secondary. Yeah. wolf sounds everywhere he goes. He probably sheds, but that's like secondary. So at this point, I feel like it would reflect negatively on the campaign that is trying

to bury its own known weaknesses by like, sensuating the weaknesses of the other. I think it seems like in poor taste, I guess. Are you saying when they go low, we go high? That is, I want to believe, look, I know from Are you saying when they go low, we go high? That is, I wanna believe, look, I know from actual politics with people in it that that shit does not, absolutely, categorically does not work. I wanna believe that a pure democracy is possible

when there's pets involved and the height of the stakes are like, you know, you get a wheeled out at a restaurant. The next day, Sir Midnight's owner posed to the group, a statement, which reads, I nominated Sir Midnight for mayor because I thought it would be funny, for mayor because I thought it would be funny. But this is dirty campaigning. And I will not stand for it. Sir midnight is withdrawing from the race. Terrible. They went low and Sir midnight just absolutely dropped out of public life. He got hit one time and he's knocked out. He's done. How many good candidates have we lost for more not exactly the same reasons,

because they're not usually biting, but for the same reasons. It's terrible to think about. Sir Midnight's owner also in this statement announces that Sir Midnight will be endorsing Wolfgang for my- No. I shouldn't have been able to anticipate this and I absolutely did not. I was kind of like, well, at least Wolfgang's got nothing to do with this shit. Nope. So you think it's got the fucking jumped in to the campaign now? Terrible. The delegates have been released.

This is not good. If I'm Taliya, I'm freaking out at this. Taliya is freaking out. She's like, I know freaking out at this. Tall, yeah, is freaking out. She's like, I know that politics is a vibe space sport, and I know that the week before elections matters. And now, right here in the week before elections, the vibes are turning for Wolfgang, who I do not want to be mayor.

This is worrying. And also, she's not in charge of the campaign. She can't do a thing about it. It's all the, yes. The Wolfgang's sickos are completely in command of the campaign. She can't do a thing about it. It's all the Wolfgang's tickos are completely in command of the dialogue now. But she's like, I'm not in charge of this and I don't want Wolfgang to be mayor,

but she's also like a little conflicted because she's like, I also don't want Cadillac and perhaps his secret twin Buick to be mayor. Yeah, this is tough. So, do you take one for the civil society here? She goes to drinks with her friend and she's like, I'm really stressed. And her friend is like, why are you so stressed?

Like Wolfgang seems to be doing really well in the polls. Everyone's calling him ugly, cute. Like, it seems like he might win. And Tully is like, I don't want my dog to be mayor. Yeah. And the friend is like, I don't want my dog to be mayor. And the friend is like, you don't. And Tali is like, no, I don't want to write the column. And her friend is like, that's so weird because sermon might be iguana's owner keeps telling everyone that you really want Wolfgang to be mayor. No, man, come on. Wait, so Wolfgang was a stalking horse candidate. There's a lot of

machinations here that I had not. And I'm a listener to this podcast. There's just a lot of stuff. Go on. What do you do? I mean at this point you have to reach out to the formally deactivated Sir Midnight campaign and be like, explain to me your values now. You're going to call him. How are you going to make this man explain his values to you? Well, you're talking to the person now. Yeah, I think that it would be like, hey, you know, could you rescind your endorsement

or otherwise explain to me how you reach? I guess that probably Sir Midnight was just like, who else is pulling? I don't want anything to do with this. All right, fine. The Chihuahua, whose eyes stick out. But yeah, you need to talk to a person, basically. Yes. Because the pets don't know that any of this is happening.

They can't see anything. Right, yeah, you can't get there with them. Talia drives to Sir Midnight's house. She knocks on the door. Sir Midnight's owner answers, and it's like, what's up, Talia? And she's like, why would you tell people that I wanted Wolfgain to be mayor? And Sir Midnight Diagwana's owner is like, listen,

we were concerned. The first person for all is great. It's just that this is a conversation that the person had with the iguana. But, oh, I'm... Or the iguana's whole campaign. Right, yeah, the whole team, the outreach director. The PR team.

You're not a big girl now. So, midnight, the iguana's owner is like, listen. I know that you didn't want Wolfgang to be mayor. But he's kind of a cute dog that a lot of people like. He's ugly cute. The thing is, I like, we were really concerned that Cadillac would run away with the election because people love dogs, and the dog vote is too strong, and it had to be split. This is like Oliver Stone,ed review, especially because it's happening in the form of a grandiose monologue

being given by a mysterious guy under what I can only assume is like dramatic lighting. But this is like not, this is different in terms of the content, but not different in terms of the general shape of like the long Donald Sutherland monologue and JFK and there's like the CIA could not permit this to happen. Like, all right. We're now at least starting to get a sense

of who's behind everything. She's like, so you nominated my dog for pet mayor. But that like in the sense. Because you wanted to split the dog vote. And this guy is like, I'm so sorry, I really didn't think your dog could win. I thought this was like innocuous. And Talia is like, you're like James Carville.

Like her name was right. Yeah. What's crazy about this is that this person is calculating enough and dedicated enough to do all of this, to run a stalking worse campus, spoiler campaign for a dog. Who's ugly, cute? Yes.

I think it's important to unerlaw. Yes, it's a very ugly and cute dog. But the moment that they got hit in the mouth by negative campaigning, they were like, actually, I was wrong. I don't know anything to do with this. Yes. Talia is so mad. And she's like, how dare you? And Sir Minda

Viguan is owner is like, well, are you just like gonna let jungle reds maybe two dogs be dog mayor? And Talia is like, that's not my business. I don't care. Like, why do you do a North Wolfgang if you don't want a dog to be mayor? It's a good question. And Sir Minda Viguana's owner is like, well, Wolfgang was the only other person with like percentage points. Terrible. I mean, that doesn't excuse it. Even though politically it is probably the right move.

Like you kind of have to rush back. Like I don't like it, but God damn if I don't respect this. Like it is. I tell you what, that smart campaign right there. It is. Like the person's instincts are both very, very bad. And then in this narrow way, like, unassailably good. Yeah.

That said, it's like, what do you do? You have to, unless you want to write that column, and I think you and I can both vibe with somebody who's like, I really, really don't want to write a blog. Mrs. Deathline. Right, I was going to say both of our cases, like whatever it takes. So I don't have to write 400 words about conserving water. But if that's the case, you have to drop out, but you never got in in the first place. I don't even know.

So you'd have to ask them. But obviously this person has shown their willingness to do whatever it takes. Talia goes back and talks to her friend and she's like, what do I do? And her friend is like, well, the thing is, you do really like to go to restaurants. Her friend's like, and because this is all happening because she's it died, you're only

inheriting one year of the term. So it's just one year, which means you'd only have to write like three columns. These are good points. And Talia is like, hmm, the concern with this though, and I can definitely see like going forward, like what if you what if everybody loves Wolfgang as mayor and then Wolfgang's like serving the president for life. Yes Talia decides she will campaign wow

She has like five days How do you campaign your dog for mayor with five days until the election when you cannot post in the Facebook group? People do not like cat-like hood advertisements and they also don't like memes. Well, I mean, they might, like, if you use the memes right, but we're not going to, it's not about that. I mean, unfortunately, I think this means you have to take your kind of, like, roomy Chihuahua

out and meet the general public, right? Like this is, which is exactly what she did not want to do. But some things are more important, democracy, mad. You got to meet some real Americans. You got to sit at a diner. Go to a state fair, eat something on a stick. Yeah, Wolfgang's got to do, you know, shake in hands. He's got to do his little trick.

Pop. Shake hands. In this case, I was going to say, like, this is actually like the most, whatever. It's the most adorable version of that. I would not let the dog kiss a baby, but I would maybe like, lick up here or whatever. Yeah, anyway, go on. Yeah. Tali is having people take their photos with Wolfgang, like sticking their tongue out, like him.

She's like, this will work for sure. It's, like, the thing is, Wolfgang, he needs crucial endorsements. Like, he has to work very hard. Yeah, all right. So how do you do that in five days? Like, is it just, is she just committing to staying awake for five straight days? She is committing to staying awake. She goes door to door. This is shoe leather work. She's getting out there. She's making friends. She's kissing a baby. She's letting people hold her dog. She's letting flat earth math you regale her with his theories. She's giving Wolfgang a little meat treat every day. Like, thank you for your work. Good job, buddy. Election day is now upon us.

Yeah, this is some on the Edge of the Dan Seed. Cadillac has the support of MAME, the big dog alliance, United Metal workers, the teamsters, the uptown branch of the library and the police union. Well, that last bit is inevitable, right? But yes, all right. So these are powerful factions, but I want to believe that people power, which Wolfgang seems to have on his side could maybe, well, tell me what happens.

Wolfgang has the support of Planned Parenthood, the teacher's union, small dog alliance. They do convert. Mrs. Harrison's third grade class, the downtown branch of the library and a weird glass blowing shop. Again, powerful factions. How do you feel about Wolfgang's chances? So my concern as somebody who has hoped for candidates that were sort of in bad situations, drawing dead, registration deficits, all of these sorts of things, I want to believe, but I also know that that much time on the trail, that much name recognition, it's a

lot to overcome. But I feel like the thing that we keep coming back to where Wolfgang is concerned is that the dog is both very misbegotten and very cute. Yeah. And Cadillac might be annoying, right? He's always yelling. Yeah.

So I have to think it's possible. Day of the election. Cadillac and Jungle Red go to the Uptown branch of the library. Wolfgang and Talia go to the downtown branch of the library. They are passing out little like pieces of paper with links on them reminding people to vote because obviously you vote online for a selection. The polls close at midnight. The next morning it is announced that Sir Midnight who you, dropped out, got 72 votes anyway. Wolfgang received 118 votes.

Cadillac received 328 votes. You asked me a question at the top of this story. Do you remember what it was? I don't. Tell me, what did I get right that I've since forgotten? You asked, are people outside of this town allowed to vote? Oh no. And do you remember the answer?

Yes, they're not. And yet I'm getting the sense that there could have been some sort of like corruption We're back on George Santos at this point. So what happened? Allegations emerge as well. They might. The Jungle Red has been sending texts with the link to the poll to people outside the town Which means we have a recount. The vote goes to a recount. We must consider the email addresses that people put in. We must make sure they have residency within the town. By the end of the day, they have found the official results Cermin Knight who had dropped out got 72 votes

Wolfgang received 111 votes, so seven votes were removed. Okay Cadillac received only a hundred and twenty one votes. Wow paper tiger, but that means that he's still one. Yeah boy, that is I Mean it's deflating as long as you But that means that he's still one. Yeah, boy, that is... I mean, it's deflating as long as you... forget the fact that Talia didn't really want her dog to be mayor. The first place. It's funny, though, because I want to see the process work the way that I want it to work. At this point, I want that poor Chihuahua to be mayor. Yeah, Wolfgang for mayor.

We are almost at the end of this story. Who's cider you want and how do you feel? I feel like I'm opposed to jungle reds tactics. And yet I feel like I need to take myself outside of the flow of this story, which has been really like pulling me more towards the like Wolf gang side of things I want to see. It's important to consider bias. Yeah, and for the community, I think it would be

important to have a dog that can't walk good as it's mayor. I think that would be great. But at the same time, I feel like I have turned against like if you were to tell me there's a man he lives in the desert, he's always welding weird shit together and he has a wolf that lives with him the wolf never shuts up. Yeah, I would party with that guy. He seems fine. Like that seems okay. And so maybe in some ways like you kind of do got to hand it to jungle red. Is that fair? Some people might say that you do got to hand it to. Yeah. That said, I don't, I don't approve of the tactics. I don't approve of going negative on the iguana. Like, there's a lot of

stuff in there that I feel like is not, it's not the sort of conduct you want to see in an election like this. Yeah. Um, Cadillac did become the pet mayor. Okay. Talia's intuition was right in that, um, he yelled all the time. It was clearly unsuited for office. Yeah, at his inauguration ceremony, he yelled so much that they had to cut the mic and he had to be sworn in in silence. Would you like my final updates? Yeah, so I was going to ask, so there's a second election coming, like this was just a special election.

Yeah, it's very good memory. So there's a second election coming. Like this was just a special election. Yes, very good memory. Cadillac served his special election year very happily. But Jungle Red hated doing the column. So at the end of Cadillac's stint, Jungle Red did not run him again. If elected, I will not serve. You have to, this is the end, I'm principal.

I like that. I also like that all of this is an unprinciple. I like that. I also like that all of this is about how shitty blogging is. Yeah, it is and that's true to us and everyone. One candidate ran for mayor the year after Cadillac because Cheez its owner got another goldfish. Okay. And this goldfish won the next campaign easily. And last year the city swore in, she's W. It as its official fist mayor. This is for the best. I mean, obviously in some ways it's like frustrating,

you know, it's like the same families producing leaders over and over again. Yeah. And like that's frustrating in some ways, but at the same time, I feel like this is the version that everybody, it's the quietest and least deranged outcome, which I feel like in general in elections is to be hoped for. Uh-huh.

I do have one final update for you. Which is that the precedent set during the Cadillac Wolfgang, Serbidnight Viet Guana, election near, led to a little bit of, you know, dirty work in the future. And so during the campaign of Cheez W. It, some digging revealed a lie. A lie about... The original Cheez It it who served five terms

as pet mayor wait was actually six different cheeses four goldfish I knew that that was because there's a part of it where like obviously I know that the mayor doesn't the pet mayor does not make laws or whatever but if goldfish has figured out how to outperform the average goldfish lifespan, I have a factor of whatever 10. Then I was like, I'll vote,

I'll vote for that fish for any office. Yeah. God, it's a dirty business, isn't it, politics? It's dirty, which means that cheese W it was the fifth, cheese it dinosaur fish. Oh, bitch. God, I respect it. You don't have to like it, but God damn you got our best fingers.

Rob, thank you so much for coming to the podcast. It was a pleasure to have you. Blowing my mind and expanding my understanding of the possibilities of democracy. And also for having you. That was great. Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at normalgossipatifactor.com or you can leave us a voice mail at 2679 with gossip. If you love this podcast and want us to keep making it, become a friend or a friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at NormalGossip.

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