Not Another D&D Podcast - D&D Court: NPC Overload and The Flirtatious Aarakocra

Episode Date: January 10, 2025

Dungeon Court is back in session! Featuring our newest Justice, Siobhan Thompson! Join Justices Murphy, Axford, Tanner, and Thompson, along with Bailiff Jake as they convene to pass judgement on your trials at the table!CREDITS:Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor LyonDungeon Court Theme Song by Sam WeillerSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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to see what four sex toys will be yours. For just 20 bucks, go to adamandeve.com slash pawpaw to see what four sex toys will be yours. For just 20 bucks, go to adamandeve.com slash pawpaw. It's the only way to get this offer. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly

lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly lowly when he was a Justice last time. So we gotta put him back in his place. We gotta put him back in his place. But then we've got our special guest,

Siobhan Thompson. Siobhan. It is an honor and a privilege. Welcome to the show. Thank you. I'm gonna be really serious. Welcome, welcome, welcome. No jokes allowed.

Ooh, I like it. Finally, some austerity on the court. To balance my shit out. And with that, I think we need to swear in Justice Thompson. Yeah, you're the problem. Finally. Finally, I'm on freaking dungeon court. You ready?

Am I ready? Yes. Is this when I do this? Jake, are you gonna show, yeah, are you gonna like guide it at all or? Well, I texted Jemana ahead of time. He texted me. Okay.

I texted her the oath earlier. And he said, I'm not gonna talk on my show or? I said, you'll know when the time is right. Leave all the changes. He did not say that. He did not say that. I'm just showing everybody else the text just so that they know that he

absolutely did not say that. She was reaching for her phone. It looked like she was ready to go. Yeah, yeah. She was reaching for her phone. Siobhan, please take the oath of the High Crit.

I, Anna Siobhan Coney-Thompson, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the players as well as the DMs against all enemies, foreign and domestic, that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same, that I take this obligation of my own volition, and that I will well and faithfully embark upon this noble pursuit of justice. So help me, gods. Amen. Here, here.

So serious, so serious. Best note ever. That was so somber. That was so somber. So somber. You nailed the tone. Thank you. I've listened to Dungeon Cord.

I know how serious that cake is. We are pretty fucking somber, yeah. As a secret first name guy, it's always fun when I come to someone else with a secret first name. You just never know when when I come with someone else with a secret first name. You just never know when the name's gonna stop. You just never know. Yeah.

It just keeps going. Is it too late for me to make up a secret first name? I don't think so. Or is it too late? What if your first name is so secret? Yeah. If it's Murph. Yeah.

Murph Emily Axford. Murph Emily Axford. I didn't take his last name. I took his last name. I took his last name. but I took it first. Secretly, you did it surreptitiously. Nice, sneaky. There is a thing in fairy lore

where if the fairies know your name, then they have power over you, which is why, like, I don't know if this is actually true, but like a lot of Irish and British people go by their second name and not their first name because the first name died from the fairy. Because otherwise the fairies would know. Is that what Rumble Stiltskin is about?

It is kind of what Rumble Stiltskin is about. Just because you're a fairy doesn't mean you have to be a cop. Don't tell anybody my first name. Don't work on other fairies. Don't freaking work on me, man. And with that, Hear Ye, Hear Ye, Crit is now in session. The honor will supreme. Can I just say,

can I just say real quick? This is so disruptive. No, I just wanna say, no, I wanna give Jake some credit here, right? Cause he really dropped the ball first off with like throwing it to Javon. Cause he just didn't do it at all. It was sloppy.

It was sloppy. But the rumble stiltskin pole was really good. And I just wanna give him credit for that. So knock a couple lowlies off. I say, yeah, we can knock one lowly off. From the last three or from one of the first ones? Of the extra ones. Okay.

So go ahead. Only two extra ones. Good Rumpelstiltskin poll. Thanks, man. Go ahead. Thanks, man. I actually know a lot about Rumpelstiltskin. You want to talk about it.

If you dig into it, you start to do it. What's the second thing you know about Rumpelstiltskin? Hear ye, hear ye. It is now in session. The honorable Supreme Crit Justices, Axford, Murphy, Tanner, and of course, Thompson presiding. And our first case comes from Lucy Pickle. Lucy writes,

may it please the ever awe inspiring judges and their little baby Bailiff. I present. Aw. Aw, he's so cute. That is so cute. He's lowly because he's small. Wipe his chin. Wipe his chin. That is so cute. He's lonely because he's small. Wipe his chin.

Wipe his chin. He's a baby. I'm drooling on myself. I present the case of the Slow Mo Wizard. I've been playing in a campaign with some childhood friends for a few months now. We've all played in at least one campaign before and we're having a blast. The one problem is that every time it's our wizards turning combat, they take about three minutes to choose a spell to cast.

Yeah, that's tough. Recently, I mentioned to this player before a session that maybe they could plan out what they were going to do on their turn before initiative came up because sometimes waiting for them brought the energy down at the table. They got very quiet and gave a curt response saying that they could do that.

Oh, that's tough. That just broke my heart to hear. Yeah. Then when it was their turn during the first battle of that session, they cast a spell that was entirely unhelpful and unrelated to the situation. Yikes.

When asked why they did that, they said, Oh, I was told I need to cast my spells faster. So I just went with the first one I saw. Oh, dear. I knew right off the bat. I was like, this person is not just being shy. They're being rude. The energy at the table was tense

for the rest of the session. Judges, was I wrong to ask our wizard to plan ahead for their turn, or should I have let them continue to pick good spells, though very slowly during the initiative? I love the flex of being like, I'm actually not quick enough on my feet to be able to pick up a good spell. In your face, I'm actually not quick enough on my feet to be able to do a good spell.

In your face, I'm a fucking dumbass. Yeah. That's so true. It's tough. I mean, as somebody who has played a wizard, and especially once, I'm assuming that these people are moderate, like pretty high level at this point, because-

It is hard to go fast. You do have a lot of shit. Having said that, you have to be organized. And like, if it's a group of, I'm. Having said that, you have to be organized. Right, yeah. And like, if it's a group of, I'm assuming at least four players, you have three other players turn to at least go, well, if this happens, I'll do this.

And if that happens, I'll do this. I was trying to think, my generous read was, they're not picking it because they're politely watching everyone else's turns and so engaged with everyone else's turns. Cause I feel like that is a thing I struggle with is like, it's like, how do I plan my turn before it gets to my turn, but also like enjoy other people's turns,

but based on their response. Yeah, they're just rude. Being very snippy. Right. A snippy little wizard. Yeah, this wizard is too snippy. I also think that like, wizard you do get to plan your spells

a little bit beforehand. Right, right. Because you're stocking for every day. You literally have to stock them, yeah. Because you only have like a limited number too. Yeah, you only have a limited number. So like, I am slightly confused as to why this person is taking quite so long, unless they're like literally level 20,

and they have like- Because it takes me a really long time to think. Huh? In your face. My memory is so bad that I forget what spells do. Yes, I chose maybe the hardest class to do, even though I knew as an adult that my brain was like this. Yeah, I think you could just be snippy back

and be just like, maybe you should play a fighter. What about a little- Champion might be a good subclass for them. Ooh, yeah, if you can't handle it. What about a little wizard hourglass, but that's a minute. Like they use. Take it from passive aggressive to aggressive.

Yes. And start using time pieces. Meet them where they are. You sing the Jeopardy song as they're going through their binder of spells. I feel like it's the three minute thing that, like three minutes is a long time to take on your turn over like one minute deciding what you're going to do is not that big a

deal because I remember before we started Dimension 20 of having that conversation with Brennan and Brennan being like when it gets to your turn it should be like we're doing like an order at like a busy deli counter or something, like be ready to go. And it never works out like that. We always do a little bit of hymning and hawing, but it's like participatory at the table. It's kind of like, it's meta gaming to a certain extent, but it's kind of what makes these games fun. Right, is this person sitting in silence

and making everybody else sit in silence as well while they quietly read every spell that they have for the 800th time? They did say it brings the mood down at the table. Yeah, so it can't be participatory. I do feel like you have to open it up to the table. I know some people really hate meta gaming and go really in on it.

I like the fact that it's a social thing. It's a social board game. We're playing together. So I know technically your characters are not talking on the battlefield probably, but this isn't real everyone. Right, also your characters could be talking on the battlefield., but this isn't real everyone. This is not real. What? Also your parents could be talking on the battlefield.

Yeah, they could. They could be like, should I do this spell or that spell? Yeah, that's true. What do we think the DM is thinking in this situation? Is the DM like also tapping their toe or is the DM like great? Sweaty palms gripping the table. You don't think that they're like,

oh, sweet, I have a second to think? No. Probably not for the full three minutes. Maybe. Yeah, not for a minute. I feel like anytime that they're like, oh, sweet, I have a second to think. No. Probably not for the full three minutes. Yeah, not for a minute. Yeah, I feel like anytime I've DMed, I feel like I'm never relishing a silence. I'm like, oh no, everyone's dying. I'm like, I better chit chat.

Yeah, you're right. That would take a very confident DM. I better, yeah. Ah, there's silence. This is a good time for me to roll damage. Yeah. Nope, I'm like, oh, I'm losing him. I guess my zombie should have a stupid voice.

Oh. That is, yeah, just to give like one more generous read here, maybe this wizard is participating in some sparkling banter. And they're just like really lighting it up for everyone else. They're not lighting it up. They're just bringing the mood down. They said they're bringing the mood down. Let's ignore the passive aggressive response.

Yeah, right. Do we feel that the action, let's pretend like this could have gone a different way. Do we think that asking them to take a quicker turn is valid? Yes. Maybe it's gotta come from the DM. That's what I was wondering.

Like maybe you gotta bring this problem to the DM and the DM will- Oh wait, I'm sorry. Did I misunderstand? No, this was another player I believe. This is another player. Oh. I do kind of agree that it's like,

it feels like one of those social problems where you're like, hey, I need this one person to know this. So DM, could you say it to the table and not single anyone out? I think it's fine as a player to say, I mean, you're another person at the table if it's boring and if everyone's bored. They've been friends since they were little,

they mentioned too. Oh, right. So like, that's true too. You can literally be like, stop taking so long. Yeah, give your friend a dead arm. Yeah. Like hurry the fuck up. We're meeting each other all the time. You can literally be like, stop taking so long. Give your friend a dead arm. Like hurry the fuck up. We're meeting each other all the time.

That is kind of true. Maybe they weren't trying to be passive aggressive. Maybe they were trying to just joke around. Right. You could also just up the passive aggressive. Like if you don't feel like this worked, when they're taking their fricking sweet ass time looking for spells, you just start having

a random other conversation with the other people at your table. It's fully excluding them. Or you could just loudly say, this feels like a bathroom break time for me. Oh, that's good. Oh, great time to order food. Does anybody want matches?

Or you could show how fast your turn can be. Yes. And pre-plan your turn as like a melee fighter. You know what? Bring the timer just for you. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's good. I'm racing againstroll damage. Bring the timer just for you. Oh yeah. Oh that's good. I'm racing against myself.

This is nothing to do with you. Bring one of those chest clocks. Yeah. You just say. Wow, excellent turn in 15 seconds. Personally, I like to take up as little space as possible. Go. I pre-rolled my attacks and my damage.

My turn is over, thank you. I do get how, yeah, to give a little bit of a sympathetic read, you can get overwhelmed with your spells. And I'm on a camera taking a long time sometimes with my turn. Yeah, for sure I am. I do think there's an element of like,

it is your turn, you know what I mean? Like it is your turn in the hot seat. So you are to, you're not like performing for everyone, but you are maybe a little bit, like it is your responsibility. People are waiting for you. To contribute to the. Like it is your responsibility to contribute to the game in a way that's positive that keeps the game going. Whether that be a turn that's fast and quick

and you help out your teammates and you make the game exciting, or you take out a bad guy, or it's you consult your teammates and you talk about the battle or something like that. If it's a three minute turn and you're talking to your friends, that's fine. But if you're just looking through the book,

that's kind of weird. In addition to your personal stopwatch and the board game sand timer for the wizard, I think you could also ask them to read out everything they read, read it out loud, but in a silly wizard voice. Long stride. everything they read, read it out loud, but in a silly wizard voice. All right. So it really trill those Rs. It sounds like we're on,

it sounds like we're on the player side. We're on the player side that's told the wizard to hurry up. So we're against the- I think it's okay. The snippy wizard. Yeah. I think there could have been an improvement in the order of operations.

Yes, I would agree. I don't know what you could have said. And I don't want to sound like I'm saying this, but I think it's okay. I think it's okay. I think it's okay. I think it's okay. I think it's okay.

I think it's okay. I think it's okay. I think it's okay. I think it's okay. I think it's okay. I think it's okay. I think it's okay. The snippy wizard. Yeah. I think there could have been an improvement in the order of operations. Yes, I would agree. I don't know what you could have said and I don't want a Sunday morning, Monday morning, excuse me, quarterback for you,

but maybe go to the DM. I guess so, but I also feel like if they've been friends since they were children, like, fucking get over it. Like we're not like actors giving each other line reads on Broadway. Like this is a friendly D and D. I also feel like with all my friends, we all make fun of each other line reads on Broadway. This is a friendly D&D thing. I also feel like with all my friends,

we all make fun of each other for, specifically whenever we're ordering food, whoever takes a long time ordering food, it's just a common thing to be like, "'Jesus Christ, are you ready yet?' Maybe the problem is you're not making fun of each other enough. Yeah, maybe you almost did it too politely.

Maybe instead of being like, "'Hey, could you take quicker turns? You should have just called them out in the moment. Yeah, just give them a good old TikTok bitch. Say I'm bored. I'm really bored. Maybe you need everyone at the table to make fun of you for taking your turns too fast.

Be like, oh wow. You're like the two pump chump of the turn table. Did somebody cast sleep? Yeah, make some real D&D branded jokes about it. Actually, I'm 100% pivoting to, I think that you don't need to say anything else, but just passively aggressively say, did someone cast sleep anytime you're bored on your turn?

Because I'm snoozing! I don't got enough hit points to defend that spell. I'm a low level character. Yeah, let's recall all this stuff, okay? So you're gonna be sort of Kat's comic roasts using D&D language. You're gonna bring various time pieces to time them. But also third thing, time yourself

while you're going super fast on your turn. I also think if you wanna be really passive aggressive, you could learn all of their spells off by heart. Oh, that's fun. You can just kind of tell them what to do. And if you wanna be just straight up aggressive, you could just kick them under the table. Oh yeah.

Or above the table. Above the table, why not? You put an egg timer on the table and then you twist it to start it ticking and then you pick up the egg timer and you throw it right at their head. Nice, nice, nice. Wow.

Okay. Okay, I think we've been really constructive and helpful here. I think this has been super constructive. Wow. These are all solutions and punishments. Yeah. This is everything.

This is a real grab bag here. Yeah. Okay. This is tough because you have to, as the person who kind of won this case, has to be a roast master slash, I think, a tax someone. Slash. But we gave you a lot of good material.

So it's like a high school athletics coach. Yeah, you also have to buy a bunch of timepieces. It's a lot of notes. You, as the writer of this scenario, have to go away and pick the parts of it that you need. But all of the notes are perfect and valid. So that's going to be tough. I have another suggestion, which is, you know, those little things that people

wear while they're playing soccer that tracks like all of their biometrics. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And maybe your whole table could wear each where one. Oh, show the data. And that's objectively boring as fuck. Look how much everyone's heart rate goes down when it's your turn.

Okay, so that's another problem you have to bring. Everyone at the table is legally dead when you go. Yeah. All right. And just one more actually, just for you. We don't have enough. We don't have enough. We're just spit-balling you.

Yeah, you're good. Yeah, so maybe you bring some of those rubber bands that they put on lobsters. Yeah. We're gonna put those on their hand and be like, hey, stop sniffing, bud. Oh, stop sniffing. Oh, cause they were getting snippy.

Because they were getting snippy. Right. Or it can be like, Hey, you say, Hey, I designed a new subclass for you. And it's the snippy wizard. And so it's like blade dancer wizard, except with scissors. Cause he's so snippy.

Oh, it's like a wizard and they could have cutting words. And they have cutting words. Oh, you can call it more if you do a lot of stuff. They have snipping words. So just print that out. It doesn't have to be, I mean, get it professionally done at like Kinkos or something. Yeah, it's gotta look good.

So that it actually looks like sort of a player's handbook. I'm picturing the snipping wizard. They have cutting words, but they also have, it's like at level three, every turn you take must be under one minute. Rounds for you take a full minute instead of a normal six seconds, because you're slow as hell.

Disadvantage on charisma checks if you have to respond in an appropriate amount of time. So just, yeah, design a whole subclass for that. Yeah, easy enough. And hand them a lobster. No, just the rubberbans, Jake. Come on. You lose your Rumpelstiltskin.

The lobster could deliver the subclass though. Yeah. True. Wow. All right, Jake's back. Whoa! Rumpelstiltskin style. Jake, what's the second thing you know about Rumpelstiltskin? Our next case comes from the angry cat.

They write, please the court, esteemed judges and baby DM, Bailiff James. Okay. Did you choose every baby one? No, there's just a lot of baby ones these days. Okay, okay. He just does control fine to look for baby. I need it to be as canon as possible that I'm a baby. Yeah.

He's just preparing people for when he DMs. We're not mad at him. Yeah. How am I supposed to DM? I'm a fucking baby. I bring you the case of too many NPCs. I plan a campaign where 15 PCs play one shot like missions rotating the PCs in groups of four or five

to improve our guild's fame. So that's games of four or five people at a time rotating. That seems kind of fun. That seems like really experimental and fun. And I personally couldn't hold that on my hand. It sounds fun, but this person did right into the show. So it's clearly fun. But it was too many NPCs.

Cool concept so far. Yeah, cool concept so far. I don't know, maybe Jake's just peppering in some brags. Yeah, true. The DM is an old friend and we played many games together. This campaign takes place in his homebrew world. The specific mission that we're currently on is to kill a dragon.

Cool, right? Yeah. We are level three. Oh, okay. I was scared, but I thought maybe we'd go and it would be some other creature or even a young dragon. No, it was an adult dragon. In order to have a chance,

the DM presented a party to go along with us. 25 NPCs. Like a mob? If it was just a mob, that's fun. That's kind of fun. It's a mob of commoners. They will have five hit points. Okay, let's keep listening.

What was the action of comedy like? This is buttoned up so far. Yeah, you made it cool, but it is 25 NPCs all with their own character sheets, places and initiative, personality and voices. No, no. Oh my God. I'm mom.

Mom, one stat sheet is a mom. But did they hand out the character sheets to all the people? It doesn't sound like it. They continue, we camped out on the way to the dragon and the DM insisted we talk to you and interact with all NPCs. Oh my God. You have to write a book.

The camping alone took two sessions. Yeah. Oh my God. You have to write a book. The travel time was another session and now we are finally fighting the dragon. The problem is that we are all fed up with this quest. We cannot move on until we finish, but none of the players want to go into this fight

with 25 NPCs, some of which are way higher level. So I humbly ask. Oh my God. Are we in the wrong to want to skip this dragon and go do other missions or is our DM just having fun with his characters and I need to endure what will be a slog of combat? I feel like some DMs do this and it's almost like cucking their players or something.

It's just like, it's just like, hey, like this actually is about me. Not you. Yeah. The books solve this. They give you weaker monsters to fight. There's no need to do this. Yes. There's, I mean, even a-

Or a mob. Yeah. Yeah. You do the mob. 25 people that act on one turn. Yeah. That have no personalities or different character voices. People would think it was, I think players would really like having a mob on their side. I would. I really would.

It's like we have to kill this dragon. There's just 25 people that come with you. And if you said to me, there's 25 NPCs, please interact with some, then I'm like, oh, this is onerous. And I would just rather talk to the PCs. If you said to me, there's a mob interact with it. And I talked at them and then they cheered back at me, like a rowdy mob. That would be a fun conversation. This is a lesson though for this DM.

Cause I do feel like if it was just a mob, if it was just a mob, I guarantee the players would be like, what a mob, who's in the mob? Lots to go talk to individual people. I can just imagine you guys going through and being like, what's your name? Where are you? Yeah.

But at this point, it does feel like the players have just been tricked into going to see a one man show. Yes, exactly. Which we've all had happen, but it does feel like abusive. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just thinking about me mom back home. I hope she's okay.

Oh, she's weird. Yeah, whatever man. What was your name? Your name was Sildar? Yeah. Okay, that's one. And I'm his brother, Tildar. Okay.

Wow. Tildar. And you were also wanting to go see your mom back home? No, I miss my dad. They're separated. Oh. Oh, you guys grew up separately, but you reunited for this dragon fight.

This is for two sessions, two sessions. Yeah, we had to parent trap, but it didn't work. So we get a bond about killing the dragons, or we just getting your own field voices? Can I just talk to the person in my actual party? Yeah. We'll talk to somebody else at the table. Do we think they need to Irish exit?

As soon as they get to the entrance to the cave, and all of the crowd is like cheering and like the mob is like rushing. Oh. That's so funny. To abandon these 25 people. You go in, we'll go around the back. We'll get them from the back.

We'll watch the door. Just hide behind them. Oh my God. Yeah. Can I get cover behind the higher level characters that you created? Especially level three, you're so easily killed. Yeah, yeah.

And an adult dragon, you can't survive. You can't survive a hit. No, yeah. You can't survive a claw. Yeah, that's a one hit. And they have like hundreds of hit points. Yeah, yeah. If I were setting up something

that my players didn't wanna do, I would be okay with them being like, I think that we actually wanna not fight the dragon. I would be okay with that. I feel like you're fully within your right to like, even be like, hey, a couple of us have been talking about doing something at all. Well, here's the-

I definitely have done that to Emily before. That was definitely a thing that she planned a whole session and then we ended up just gambling. Right. It was in the middle of COVID and we were like, gambling actually sounds really nice. Yeah. Can we just go do that?

Yeah, it's a, this is a tough one though, because I understand socially, it would be weird for you guys now to ditch this mission. Right? And you've gone through the worst part, I would think. I feel like camping is the worst of this. Yeah. No, no, no.

The worst part is gonna be battle. Yeah. If they all have individual- It's also his heroic level 10 character. Yeah, that's gonna be tough. That's gonna be tough. One of them has, and he has the problem, legitimately, that the first problem had, illegitimately,

that he has to then plan 25 people's plus the dragon's moves every turn. There's no way. He can't pre-plan that many people. He can't be like, hang on a second, let me, I wrote this bard, let me see what they, oh, oh, so they don't have cutting words, but I, I guess I give this other NPC bardic inspiration. Like what? Oh my God. Each player taking three minutes. Yes. This is giving me Ryan Urfy energy. And then that makes me want to know how many times his NPCs crit.

Oh yeah. Just rolling behind the screen. That's a crit. That's another freaking crit. This guy actually crits out in 18 because he's a champion fighter and he's level 20. Tildar becomes a dragon. This guy just becomes a dragon. He was a dragon all the time, but you didn't see that coming. Tildar is a dragon.

Tildar is a silver dragon. Tildar is a gold dragon. Their mom and dad, they are separated but they're gold and silver dragons. They fly up into the sky. You guys can't fly. They don't take you. You see the two, you won the dragon. Still, our roles, our crits. That would honestly be merciful. Cause then you can at least check out.

Yeah, I guess I'd rather have the, if you're going to have like 25 DMPCs, I'd rather have them just create guess I'd rather have the, if you're gonna have like 25 DM PCs, I'd rather have them just crit on everything and end the battle really quick. Yeah, that's true. It's not too late to like talk to your DM and be like, hey, could we like condense this? Like maybe each of us takes like four guys

and we get extra attacks in battle or something like that. There's fun ways to handle this. I think you could pose this to your DM as being like, I'm a little concerned about how this is gonna play out in battle of going through like 25 turns. Yeah. Just because it took us two sessions to camp. Yeah.

Right. Just that you made us talk to literally everyone as all. Two sessions to camp. And like we haven't even talked to Kromlar yet. Like Kromlar has just been over in the corner whittling. You said that we couldn't find him because his hide is too good, but also we couldn't leave until we talked to him.

And my passive perception isn't very good. So why are we still camping? Yeah, the fog gate won't open until we talk to Cromlar. Two sessions to camp is borderline real time. That's a weekend. Yeah. That's a long ass time. Okay, so yeah, so we're fully on player side here,

not on the DM side. 25 is way too many, and if you are gonna have 25 people, you do have to just be like, this is an angry mob that wants to kill the dragon with you. That's funny, and also, yeah. I got a helpful tool at one point. I got it from DM's guild, I think. I forget who to shout out here,

but somebody created like swarms of humanoids. So like you can have swarms of guards. That way you're not doing, you know, when we're having campaign fights and you guys are like in a castle and a bunch of guards are helping you or something. Instead of me being like, at initiative 17, that's guard two and three.

At initiative 15, that's guard three, 17, 18 and 20. It's like, there's just five guards. They each do two damage each. Yes, exactly. I do roll for it, but they do roll a D4, so it's two. All of your like guards and stuff should just be in swarms. Like I would suggest just creating swarms. And I think the DM's guide even has a way of doing that.

So I definitely wouldn't A, do fucking higher level characters. But this person has no control over that right now. What sort of agency can we give them in this moment? I think Caldwell's way about it was correct, which is to say, I'm concerned about the upcoming fight, waiting 25 turns to get to my turn. Yeah. Yeah.

And then after that, I think maybe you can. Throw an egg timer at him. Yeah, after that you could have a conversation and be like, I think this could be a little bit more organic. You don't have to talk to 25 people. I don't know why Geralt of Rivia is here. I just feel like it's weird that you just had him show up. Yeah, it does feel like the punishment for this DM

is go and write a book and stop. Yeah, please, you have 25 fucking characters. You have 25 characters. Go have them talk to each other. That's arguably too many for a book. Yeah. Maybe one of them can edit. If you write it as a book, then the people at the table

can elect to read it rather than being in it. Be forced. You have to speak to everyone. Just imagine a medieval battle being camped out with like a few dozen knights and one of the knights going like, you have to speak to everyone. You'll fight better if you know them. You have to meet the Hussies.

You must level up. They'll have backstories. Yeah. Level up your social links. This really makes me want to like like, April Fools you guys and run a one-shot that I do this stuff. God. Just do all of the worst indie courts.

Imagine, like, just like a grizzled old night being like, everyone, icebreakers. Yeah. We're playing Zip Zaps Up. I know you can't opt out. My name is Frank. Two truths and a lie. If I had to describe myself with an F word,

I would also say that I am Frank. Isn't that kind of funny? I just sort of tell the truth. Go ahead, what's your name? Tildar, you're a dragon. I'm Jeff and I'm gorgeous. Okay. I'm a level 20.

Oh, you're Jeff with a G. That's fancy, we wouldn't have known that. Wow. I'll die for you, Jeff. I G, that's fancy. We wouldn't have known that. Wow. Introduce ourselves. I'll die for you, Jeff. I'm also a dragon. Oh, a dragon with a G, that's fun too. I wonder if you could maybe just say that,

would you guys allow it as DMs? Would you allow it if one of your players was like, my character's a big surprise. This battle. It sounds like another DM&D court that I'm sick of. But I wanted to be organic. I wanted to be organic. Can I bring it up? I would say, what if it was you, Emily?

Because you get this naughty voice. Yeah. Well, I mean, the only- The only- Emily loves to surprise, but they're always fucking buttoned up, though. They're usually pretty buttoned up. I think I wouldn't trust-

Thank you, Garwell. Yeah. I wouldn't trust Emily because I would Garwell. Yeah, I do. I wouldn't trust Emily because I would think she was trying to trick me. I wouldn't trust Caldwell because I know Bugs Bunny was hiding under there somewhere. I think the only person I trust

or the secret at the table is Chase. Cause I'm playing Rumpelstiltskin, baby. And you've got to guess my name before I reveal my character. There's so many other facts about Rumpelstiltskin. I think, yeah, Rumpelstiltskin. And we'll got to guess my name before I reveal my character. There's so many other facts about Ruppers, still. Yeah, Ruppers, we're good. And we'll get to that, but we have to move on to the next case.

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Go to rocketmoney.com slash pawpaw today. That is rocketmoney.com slash pawpaw. Rocketmoney.com slash pawpaw. Hey there, NAD polls. I know you're all wondering, what does the future hold for business? Well, you can ask nine experts and you'll get 10 answers. Inflation might rise or it might fall. Can somebody please just invent a crystal ball?

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and the lowly critical failure, that's me. Wow. Nice. I bring to you the case of the not so legendary reaction. Okay. I was running my very first game as a baby DM, shout out. Wow. Shout out to the baby DMs. I designed 25 NPCs. My players were mad because I kept putting the dice in my mouth.

Did a pre-battle, icebreaker, as you do. I had planted all out and I had some cool homebrew monsters. The Big Bad was a Magitek robot that was powered by lava. Yes. The players had done a greatitek robot that was powered by lava. Yes. Yes. The players had done a great job killing all of the mobs, but each had taken enough damage that made it feel exciting. Being a new DM, I had forgotten about the legendary action

until it was one of my player's turns. I had been doing lair actions though. So I used the monster's legendary action to react to my player. And he got very upset when I hit and he said, oh, do you feel cool killing my guy? I'm on the play side. What is going on between you and this player outside of the game?

Because that is not a normal reaction. Something else is going on. What are you not telling us? Who ate whose food? Who's food? Who hooked up with who's significant other? Everything's too sweet. You gotta go to the Muff Murphy school arisen. It's a summer school.

It's eight weeks. She's so mean, but you come out of it a better friend. Yeah. Do you feel cool killing my guy? Oh my God. I was pretty taken aback by it because everyone had seemed to be having a good time. I did roll the damage in front of the board

as per Justice Murphy's advice in prior cases. Okay, dang. He survived with one HP, which I thought was pretty cool. He didn't even go down. He didn't even kill his guy. But the mood was still bad. What? No. By the maniac who said,

do you feel good killing my guy? Should I have not used the legendary reaction since I had forgotten about it up until then, or was I right to use the legendary action when I remembered to? Yes, you were right to use it. Well, all right. I thought that legendary actions,

you could just use them after the player's turn. You use it, so that doesn't sound like that's what happened. Oh, really? I've never used the reaction rather than as a, but I thought that legendary actions could be reactions. I think you would need that spelled out. It sounds like this new DM was like, oh fuck, I forgot to do a legendary action.

They're actually gonna attack you. Like as the person was declaring their attack. Oh. So I think that- I'll say I've never run a monster with legendary actions. So I just assumed that some of them were reactions. I think there are, you know, I don't know if there's any official material

with legendary reactions, but it's mostly actions. And the idea is, is if you have this big boss, they're gonna act throughout initiative. They're not just gonna wait for their one turn. They move like faster. So technically the language for legendary actions is that it happens after someone's turn. So from what I'm hearing here,

it sounds like it would be the equivalent. In the middle of someone's turn. It sounds like you're like, as Emily saying, I'm gonna attack the guy. I cast Chain of Lightning on you, Murph the Person. Oh, I forgot that I, Murph the Person, have legendary actions. He's actually gonna attack you.

So I think it's weird to say, do you feel good trying to kill my guy? But I will say sometimes as a DM, an important lesson to learn, it's like, despite whatever the book says, once expectations are set, I think you do have to kind of stick with what the expectations are.

Like the rules that you've established. Cause I don't know, imagine if we had a battle like that in like a campaign and it was like, we go a few rounds and then all of a sudden it's like, oh my God this dude's got a tail attack and he can bite as well. I would be okay with you being like- Wouldn't it feel weird though? Wouldn't you just be like, oh, then we're fucked.

No, I feel like, because everybody has happened. Like I have also done that as a player. I think you just give each other grace. I'm sorry guys, I fucking forgot that I have a photo section. Can I just do my photo section on somebody else? The players are the good guys, I'm the bad guys. No, I don't know. I personally, maybe this doesn't apply to everyone,

but I kind of like that challenge and that friction. And like if I'm being shortchanged a little bit, because like the monster isn't apply to everyone, but I kind of like that challenge and that friction and like if I'm being Shortchanged a little bit because like the monster isn't going all out. You know me. I love anime I need characters to go all out and if you're not going all out on me, then it's not it's not as fun I really think that the coolest thing that can happen to you is going down to one hit point Yeah, that's why I was really shocked by that and also like it's like I could see a table that there's like a playful Dynamic with the DM being like, oh, do you feel good? Can't try to kill my guy.

But this doesn't feel like that had that. And I feel like though, when you say that it felt like the mood was weird after that, I think it could have been everyone else being like, whoa, what's going on with that guy? Yeah, I think it was more, I think it was weird because of that. I don't think it was because of you.

If anything, that should have been the most exciting moment of being like, oh my God, they're gonna go down and then down to one hit point, yes. I'm saying, I think that had this person not been rude and say a completely out of pocket thing to make all of their friends at the table upset, I could see a reverse where someone writes the court

and we're like, this person didn't use legendary actions for a few rounds and then used it as a reaction to what I was doing. And it just felt kind of forced and like I didn't, cause you're, you are sitting there as a player, like waiting for your turn, being excited for the thing you're about to do. And then for someone to be like, oh, actually this other thing happens.

And it's like, well, we didn't establish that this person could do that. And I know there's surprises and stuff, but I don't know. This one is a little bit more murky. Without the snippy retort, I think it's maybe on the DM. Which it could have been a funny retort if the table was- But no one responded.

I think if I said that, and then everyone at the table was super tense, I would be like, I'm joking. I'm sorry, it's fine. We need to know if the player had a slight quaver to their voice, if they were like on the verge of tears when they said it. Do you feel good?

Okay, I looked up just the definition of legendary actions to see if it's ever spelled out. A legendary creature can take a certain number of special actions called legendary actions outside its turn. Only one legendary action option can be used at a time and only at the end of another creature's turn. So it is specified so there shouldn't be reactions. A creature regains its legendary actions at the start of its turn. It can forgo using them and it can't use them while incapacitated or okay. So yeah, yeah. So it's not a reaction. It's an action that you do on at the end of somebody's turn.

So doing it during someone's turn. And it's the, I think the problem here lies with the fact that it sounds like the encounter was really well balanced and everyone was already at very low HP. So the players were, you know, there was this like fun kind of back and forth and then to kind of be like, Oh, actually the book says I can do this thing. And then also, you know, you're getting it kind of wrong because you're doing it as a reaction is a little bit of a deflating moment. I think. Yeah, I think you made a boo boo. You

made a boo boo. Okay, it doesn't excuse the person being right. I think that Yeah, but I mean, we have to look at the first action, right? Yeah, like, so we we have to look at the first action, right? So we might have to rule against this DM, because it's not about whether or not their reaction was right, it's about whether or not you're using it out of turn like that was right, or using it as a reaction.

I agree, I don't like it, but I agree. I think if you wanted this to be totally by the book, you would let that player do their damage to your big bad first, and then you do your legendary action. Or you could eat that dress. I do think that hurts a little less. And I do think ultimately by you rolling in front

of the table, that does make it more legit. You know what I mean? I do think you handled that well. Yeah, you handled that well. But I do think that maybe this stings a little less. If you realize that you've been forgetting about legendary actions, and then you warn people at the top of a round or something.

Rather than being like, actually now while you're at 10 HP, I actually forgot this guy's got a scorpion tail attack and you're like, what? But you know what? You're a baby DM and you're gonna get boo-boos. Yes. That's how we get stronger. You gotta get those guys out of your mouth.

Right now. Your fingernails are so long and you do need someone to clip them a lot. And it's gonna hurt sometimes. Is that like the worst thing about parenting is having to clip? It sucks. Yeah. They hate it, you hate it. Yeah. It's so hard.

It looks like, I feel like anytime- It's definitely not the worst thing though. Yeah. It's up there. What's the worst thing, Jake? Sleep training, sleep training. Oh, okay, fair, fair. There's no blood in sleep training. Jake's not a one time look at one that, sleep training. Oh, okay, fair, fair. When Jake's not in sleep training.

Jake's not a one time look at it and just said, disappointed. Not the way Jake does it. Jake's job learned to do. Disappointed before dad. Da, da. Jake's kid is so upset. Da, da, da, da, da.

She's saying da, da. Da, da, da, da, da, disappointed. Disappointment. Please, huh. Please. And she enunciates all those letters so well. Jill, you don't have to come in here. I think I got this.

I think the baby's talking about you. She's taking her first step emotionally. Dada, please, please read me Rumpelstiltskin. She's reading the dictionary or something. I don't know. Please, beyond just the first page of Rumpelstiltskin, I'm begging you. I'm so curious, Dada.

But I do, I realize I have, so I've kind of tilted the court in one way, and now as the natural contrarian, I'm begging you. I'm so curious, Dada. But I do, I realize I've, so I've kind of tilted the court in one way. And now as the natural contrarian, I'm gonna go back the other way though. To say that it is a complete, if you're not joking and other people don't laugh and you don't have that sort of back and forth with each other,

to say, do you feel good about killing my dog? Yeah. Ultimately, the DM did a baby DM mistake, and the player was a piece of shit. And your player gave you a big boy retort. That was hard. And you're just a baby. And you're just a baby.

We could give a baby punishment to the DM, and then a big boy. Oh, OK. That's good. Time out for the DM. They have to sit for as many years as they have been a DM, which is zero. Zero. Zero. Yeah. So zero years, but however many months. However many months. They have to sit for as many years as they have been a DM, which is zero.

Zero, zero, zero. So zero years, but however many months. However many months, sure, yes. And I think probably a lobster again. And then I guess the player has to go to therapy? Yeah, because they were snippy. Yeah, player has to go to therapy slash gets the snippy rubber bands.

Tell their friends that they're going through a breakup before they go and sit down at the table so that everybody knows that they might be a little snippy rubber bands. Tell their friends that they're going through a breakup before they go and sit down at the table so that everybody knows that they might be a little snippy today. You as the DM, once again, can the first player that we made build a subclass around the snippy wizard, can send you the PDF of the snippy wizard.

Or you could- And then you can hand it out and say like, while I was doing reading as a baby DM, I found this is- Yeah, where do you want the baby to be? It's legit, it was printed at Kinko's. You could make them a little necklace that's like a Snippo meter. And like whenever they get snippy with you,

you like toggle the dial. You lean over the table and poke them in the chest to move that tiny jewelry dial a little bit. I think that's fun. That's so intimate. Yeah. Okay, so intimate. Yeah. Okay, so ordered. So ordered.

It's beautiful. We actually have a case with another uncomfortable thing at the table. So I'll go ahead and read that one. Do we do any other kind? Rune, Rune writes, hello justices and whichever poor soul reads this. I bring to you the case. They took pity on you, Jake.

Isn't that nice? Doesn't that feel good? Yeah. They invited God to forgive you. Hell yeah, man. Thank you. I bring to you the case of the possessive paramour. A while back, I started evangelizing the word

of the good book, then 4E, and slowly brought on copious converts. At the zenith of this, I was running 10 person games just to accommodate all the people that wanted to join. Whoa, that seems a lot. Yeah, at the time I invited a newly made friend that had just started interacting with the group. They asked if they could invite their partner,

which was fine by me, as we had a couple of open slots. The game was set. We only got eight people. We only got eight people. Usually we have 17 or 18, but. We're down to 11, because a couple people on vacation for the holidays. It takes 45 minutes for one person to do a turn,

but everybody else is pretty quick. Plus one, plus two, plus three. All 25 of us are gonna go kill a dragon. They're playing D&D at like fucking Dracula's table. and everybody else is pretty quick. All 25 of us are gonna go kill a dragon. They're playing D&D at like fucking Dracula's table that's like 14 chairs long. What if this table is in real life, the NPCs from that other person's game?

Oh yeah. The game was set and the players arrived, all was well. Shortly into the game, my friend playing a bodacious bard decided to facetiously pursue a romance with an NPC, an effusive Aarakocra. Shortly into this interaction, maybe two minutes in, the boyfriend states, quote, that they enter the room and immediately stab the Aarakocra.

Stating, they had, quote, found waving a red flag. Stating what? Stating what? Waving a red flag. I honestly love, I would love to be at this table. I would have died laughing. I love this move. This is crazy shit.

I mean, drop that president in the air. What did they say? What was their reason? I love this move. It's a red flag. It's also a red hanky. Yeah, I love red flags. It's why none of us ever flirt with you, Mo.

We're all really afraid of Emily in real life. That's right. Oh my God. They said, quote, that they had found the assassin. The judge, there was no assassin. There was no talk of assassination. When my NPC fought back. Okay, even with that response, I love it even more.

This person is just off their rocker. Now that's a person who planned their move. They were sitting there ruminating. When my NPC fought back, the boyfriend stated, I wasn't playing the game right. When I asked what they meant, they yelled in front of an active audience of 10 people, D&D isn't about stealing girlfriends.

Oh! What? Is this Tim Robinson? Is this a Tim Robinson character? This is very funny to me. I don't even know. Because it's so funny, I don't- To be honest, there's eight to 12 people

also sitting in the room. I just wanna see, and I think you should leave the sketch of Tim Robinson watching his girlfriend flirt with an NPC. It would be like, a drone dagger. So you understand now, this is why I love this. This is why I love this. It's just funny.

It feels rather harmless to me. If this were a TV show and not life. Yes. C&D's not about stealing girlfriends. It's not about stealing girlfriends. OK, they continue. Judges, I knew not what to do, so I pretended his character had been the source

of the shout and I tried to roll this all into the narrative. After a number of awkward moments, we moved past the outburst and finished the game. Wow, that's huge. As soon as the dude yelled that, I think I would've just been like, let's take a timeout and quietly left. I would've been like-

You would've left your own house. Oh, is this this person's house? There are 14 people over to play? I would've been like, timeout, timeout, we peaked. We're not gonna get anything funnier happening today. Everyone, pack up. Someone just yelled D&D is not about stealing girlfriends. And that is unfortunately the funniest thing

that will ever happen to any of us. We all need to acknowledge that and leave. Ben, this is a bird! It's a fucking bird, Ben! Can you imagine the ride? What are you doing, Ben? Can you imagine the ride over to your boyfriend after that? Hey, hi.

That is also like, you also have to be like, that boyfriend is there because he had, you were invited to a D&D game and he was like, can I come? I don't feel comfortable you playing D&D without me. Cause like, I know that game's about stealing girlfriends. They don't say it, they don't say it, but I know. I know. It's supposed to be about not stealing girlfriends,

but some people, they think it is about stealing girlfriends. Do you guys ever just think that your girlfriend's gonna like French a bird when you're not looking? It's an erikakura. We have had, we have had, I think court submissions where it's just like, yeah, this person just flirted with my significant other for like an hour, the whole session. And then in between bathroom breaks said

that they have a crush on my girlfriend. Those are actual like red flag weird situations. But it's just being like, this person's barred flirted with a bird. Fucking relaxed. I'm picturing like a deeply tense quiet ride home. That the first thing that gets said is just, so do you like wish I had wings?

And then he stops the car and says get out. How do you salvage that relationship? Like in what world? There's no coming back. There's no coming back from D&D. There's no like- Yeah, not about stealing. That car ride, just like it's misting out,

slightly rainy, Matchbox 20 is playing on the radio. Is this why you always bite your lip when you play Angry Birds? Yeah. Yeah. The blood's just like my girlfriend. Somebody tells me it's like, they're like having a hard time getting the windows defogged The best read on the bench. The best read on the bench. So it is. The owl will push you up. The winch of Wyverns. The owl will push you up.

The winch of Wyverns. The owl will push you up. The winch of Wyverns. The owl will push you up. The winch of Wyverns. The owl will push you up. The winch of Wyverns. The owl will push you up.

The winch of Wyverns. The owl will push you up. The winch of Wyverns. The owl will push you up. The winch of Wyverns. The owl will push you up. The winch of Wyverns. The owl will push you up.

The winch of Wyverns. The owl will push you up. The winch of Wyverns. The owl will push you up. The winch of Wyverns. The winch of Wyvern. Yeah. A Doritos Locos taco. This person would. In silence. This person would. Obviously, this is just like insane jealousy to the point that it's cartoonish and ridiculous. This is ridiculous.

Even if, and even if you weren't like, this is the most jealous, like red flag thing, you would still be like, this is so fucking pathetic. Yes. There's no, there's no coming back from this. I feel like we should be able to more often just respond to someone be like, this is so fucking pathetic. Like there's no, there's no coming back from this. I feel like we should be able to more often just respond to someone with like, I don't know how to interact with this.

Yeah. The best thing this dude could say in the car ride home is I really fucked up. And that is a joke. I'm fucking sorry. There's nothing else to say. I don't know what happened. You have to just unravel. You have to begin unraveling that.

And like that whole conversation is so, I don't want to interact with that. I was pretty uncool back there. My mom divorced my dad for a bird. My God. Was there more of this? I feel like we just need. What, really?

Oh my God. The man yelled, D&D is not about seeing girlfriends. The DM rolls it into the narrative. After a number of awkward moments, we move past the outburst, finish the game. The boyfriend practically ran out of the house, post session, and was never to be seen again.

Okay, they broke up. Judges, I beseech you, was I fine in my romantic antics or should I have been more attuned with my group and deported to the apoplectic partner? I think you handled everything so perfectly and you walked away with a great story. You unearthed the red flag that was going to come up very- Yeah, you- this relationship is over.

It's good to get this stuff out of the way early. It does feel like that was the end of the relationship. It has, right? I hope so. It sounds like they were friends with the partners. Yeah. It would be, yeah. You kind of got to instigate the flash point

that like broke them up, which was the right move. Which is absolutely the right move. I wanna know if you've talked to this person and been like, hey, that was crazy, right? Did you guys break up right after that? Like what was the conversation like? Can you please have that conversation and then send it like maybe do it

as like a voice note type situation so that we can hear all of the juicy details. You've got the 10 people at the table, maybe just have like a group of them act it out, like improv style. Oh yes, great. That's good. I don't even, yeah, wow.

That's so funny. Let's have 10 people at the table. You can so quickly just be like, okay, hey, there's 10 people here, group poll. Was that normal? That's so many people to yell D&D is not about to. It's so many. This is obviously a great mental exercise

to check yourself to see if you're wrong. Be like, imagine 10 people just watching you do anything. And if you feel embarrassed about saying it, you're probably wrong. The fact that you salvaged this and finished the game of D&D is wild. Herculian. And I will also say just the fact that you have consistently 10 people at your table.

It tells me that you're a very good- Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm gonna go ahead and I'm gonna not punish this person because this is- He's butting himself. He's already been punished, lost the girl.

They're not a character in- I think you should- And I just think this is really funny. Can I give him a baby punishment? No, this dude needs a real fucking punishment. All right, well, I will put this punishment forward, which is that I think that the former girlfriend does get to date the Aarakocra.

Oh! The character of the Aarakocra. That's right. Let the bard fuck the Aarakocra. Oh, yeah. That's the punishment. I truly don't know if any punishment could be worse than the, I'm sure almost constant flashbacks

that this person has of this event. I hope they have enough shame to flash back to this. That is what, yeah. They're just at different game nights. Who isn't about stealing girls? Just like smash cards to every single thing. Mrs. White is my wife and she's a cook. Sellers of the KM isn't about stealing girlfriends.

Just arms crossed at every game night. I'm prepared this time, trust me. I attack every NPC actually. Before you can even flirt. The Bachelor isn't about, oh wait, no, okay, I'm wrong on that one. This is kind of is about stealing girlfriends. Good God. Yeah, okay'm wrong on that one. This is kind of busy about seeing my girlfriends. Good God.

Yeah, okay. So that dudes. I mean, you as a DM sound incredible. We're gonna give you a medal. Yeah. The first ever D&D court medal. Yeah, you get a lobster dinner. You get a lobster dinner.

Where you get a medal with a lobster on it. Yeah. I like that. Yeah, or a piece of lobster. We're gonna just spray paint the lobster gold. It'll already be dead. It'll already be dead. We're going to borrow it from a restaurant.

We're going to borrow it from a restaurant. You have to give it back. It's a load. It's a loader lobster. We just needed to cast the mold for the golden lobster. That's true. Yeah, we're not going to send you the actual lobster. We're going to.

OK, so then if we're just making a mold, the lobster could be a lot. You're getting the golden lobster because you're pinching off awkward situations. Yes. Nice. Before they can spread. Snip, snip. Yeah. Snip, snip on those red flags.

Great work. Oh yeah, you're sniffing red flags left and right. Love it. Great work. Golden lobster is a maniac. Great work. That's wild. Congratulations, your award is in the mail.

And with that, shall we step into church and read Christ's confession? So this confession comes from Bradley H. Bradley writes, to the lofty justice priests and the cake man himself, I present the flying swords of crit. During COVID, I started DMing for the first time over all 20. What's COVID?

What? Caldwell doesn't believe in it. Coldwell shut the fuck up. Antivax piece of shit. I just think we need to have a discussion. Now in 2025. Coldwell wrote an RFH here. Coldwell just logged onto the internet for the first time and got immediately radicalized.

He had never been on the end of the line. I just became a member of Something Awful and I've got some things to say. So I'm DMing for the first time over Roll20 with people I met over social media. We played Frozen Sick, a pre-written adventure set in Wildemount. The low-level adventurers delved into an ancient frozen laboratory

and one player accidentally activated a teleportation effect that sent him into a room with four flying knives, a variant of flying swords. Oh my god. The player decided to stay and fight. The knives started to crit, and it looked like the player was going to be outright killed. Justices. Never have I lied with such frequency in my life. The crits kept coming, and I was mortified of a player death such frequency in my life. The crits kept coming and I was mortified

of a player death so early in the campaign. So I fudged Nat 20s into dirty 20s and arbitrarily reduced the damage dealt by the damage die. Was I in the wrong to save this character or should I have let the die slay the player? I am pleased to report near the end of the campaign about a year later, I did one shot kill the player. I was literally gonna make the joke that all will be redeemed if you lie to kill them.

I fucking got the rest. In an unrelated explosion for three hundred and seventy two damage, nine knives still haunt my dreams. Well, no, because that balance has been restored. Feels like this player is Leroy Jenkins in it. This is my Destination. And trying to fight traps. Yeah.

Yeah, they got what was coming to them. Just trying to fight knives. All is forgiven. I feel like you can, in this situation as a DM, be like, wink, wink, they're flying knives. You can just leave. It's not, you know, a thing. Oh, were they trying to use it like a training room

where they were like battling all the knives and trying to knock them aside? Could be, could be. Yeah, I think it's just a module. I think the cosmic scales have been balanced. Yeah. You one-shotted this person. Yeah, and way cooler to be killed by 372 explosion damage

that you were flying on a flying knife. Which also feels like he was trying to fight traps, right? Like this person is like, man be trapped. Just imagining Indiana Jones turning around and trying to punch the boulder kind of what's happening here. Using a little lasso to try and stop the boulder. Maybe it's three minutes long. Yeah, I think in the in the future, you could always use the role

in front of the table trick, because if you keep critting, it does start to feel like you're cheating. But they couldn't. They're doing it. They're doing it on Roll20. Oh, they're doing it on Roll20. But you can have your rolls be seen, but they didn't want it to be though, because they were like,

I don't want to kill someone that's early. I do think if you kill someone that early and you do it in front of everyone though, then maybe it is a little bit more fun. Maybe that player learns their lesson of not fighting knives. Yeah, fighting knives is nuts. I don't know, I could see myself trying to fight knives.

That sounds actually really rad. I can't do that. I know. You can't use yourself as an example, because every time you do something stupid, it's funny. Like, the Emily Axford excuse is not like, Yeah. That's not a bad guy.

Yeah, it's the exception. Nobody else can do it the way that you do it. I think if I were doing that though, I would also, I would beat the knives, but also I think it would be funny if I died, if I was doing that. So, I bet you're all is forgiven. All is forgiven.

I think if you were to fudge a role during like session one or something would probably be the time to do it. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. You fudge that role, that role just goes right into Dice, Christ, and Pocket. You just take that to your grave.

Yeah, you should. You don't want the players to know that you helped them. Or the player took it to theirs. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. There you go, yeah. So pretend this never happened, you never submitted this, okay?

You understand? We're gonna bleep every single specific from this. We're gonna bleep every detail from this. In fact, we're taking the episode down. Fuck it. Let's not release this episode. Let's not release this episode. Let's not release this episode. That's great, that's great.

I'm pouring coffee on the recorder right now. Thank you for joining us for this lost episode, Jon Thompson. Thank you, it's an honor. Just in case this leaks, is there anything you'd like to plug? Yeah, I'm reading House of Murph by Edith Wharton at the moment, and it's awesome.

Oh, great. I just every, I'm just twists turns intrigue. Ooh. Murph and I saw the Count of Monte Cristo last night and it was so freaking good. Don't be scared of the three hour runtime. Cause I was, and then once I was in it, I wasn't scared anymore.

We were gripped. I ran to the bathroom. I would have done another hour. I ran back from the bathroom. It's in French though. Because I didn't want to miss any of it. Yeah, he did. I didn't run.

Why else would I run to the bathroom? I don't know. He seems like a weird thing to say. Sprinted while zipping. Yeah. I'd love to plug House of Murph, which is a novel I'm writing. Wow. Wow.

Yeah. Right, it's like a Muffet dramatization where all the characters are Murph. Is it about Brian Murphy or Murph Emily Axford? Or about both of us? Emily's secret. It's about our house. If the twist is that Murph is actually Murph Emily Axford,

we'll find out. Spoilers. Yeah, I've been dead the whole time. The house was Murph all along. I turned into four knives and Emily killed me. You were both secretly dragons. So for more ridiculous stuff, over on our Patreon, patreon.com slash natpot, that's N-E-D-D-P-O-D.

This is D&D Court Month. Yeah, don't sing yet. Don't sing yet. This is D&D Court Month over, I actually have to explain something, everyone, please contain yourselves. This is D&D Court Month over on the main have to explain something, everyone, please contain yourselves. This is D&D Court Month over on the main feed, but we're gonna be doing fun stuff

with all of our guests over on the Patreon. So this week we're doing something really fun. We're doing an adventure book theater with Siobhan, and we're doing The Ball of Netherfield, which is a choose- It's a Pride and Prejudice themed one? Yes, it is. Yes. It's a choose your own- It themed one. Yes, it is. Yes.

It's a choose your own Regency romance. Yeah. And I had, because there were like 20 pages up top where there were no choices, I did have to read up top. I have some opinions going into this and I'm gonna do a really bad summary and then make choices. I'll give you guys a hint.

The first choice is to choose which of the four dresses we're gonna pick for the fall. Whether it be the- Yes. Bikini. Well, there is a pretty low cut yellow one. That might be it. Absolutely that one.

Yeah, low cut yellow. I feel like Jane's pick of the red one might be where we wanna go. Low cut yellow. Low cut yellow. You're a classic Jane. Yes. We choose red duster.

Yeah, we're just gonna go in a duster. All right, everybody, you can follow us on social media that we may or may not use. Shaman, what are your socials? At Vony Tom on various platforms. Do I use it? Sometimes. Yeah.

I don't use mine, but I'm at C-H-M-E-R-F, Caldwells at Cal-D, Emily's at E-Axford, and Jake is at Jake Hurwitz. And you can talk about the show using hashtag NABPOD that's N-E-D-D-P-O-D. We are, we are, the youth of the nation. Dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin,

dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, Jeffrey S. Lord of the Fjord, later McSkater, Matt M. Cutter W., Jeff C., Daniel G., Danielle The Dastardly Dame, Carpe Liam, Bryant Victor T. Balnor's Boy, Hoyt's Friend, Justin I.,

Danny Danster, TJ M., Trelai The Cray, Christopher B., Damiel R., Jordan L., Cyborg Version of Josh The Cobalt, Targot, Stevie Wags, Hellish Rebukeur, PhD, Princess Yar, Jory S, Rachel from Animorphs, Jack L, Nicholas C, the star of every film ever made in Bohemia, Mike Hightower, Alka Smeltzer Plus, Great Value Gemma, Tyler F, Heradrian, Carboro Chapel Hill, FPV, Rex Daniel the White. Cici Lulu.

Ol Cobbs Dunkle. Older Burn. Hercul Puyro. The Rabbit Folk Detective. Timmy R. Rayco. Calder Comes Cold. Shout out to the Cold Come Companions.

Frosty Facial. Taylor B. Maybe the real treasure was the friends we made along the way. Cass Strong Grinch. Steven Jag Tyker. Omork Ol C, Mike K, Nick W, William W,

Big Bad, Beardo the Mad, Eric McD, Anorama, Percival Fredrickstein von Muscle, Klawowski DeRolo III, J. Dragonborn, Guardian of the Vibe, Honoring the Cock, Profane Huckster, Ben A, Dave H, Dustin S, Danny F, Hawkeye Pierce, Bookvars assistant

Izzy F, Big Bad John, DPC, Is Awesome, Hashtag, Honor the Cock, Sean the Shade Tree, Mechanic of Zelbldar, Summer RG, Mark the Dark Lord's Taint, Kat C, Misa of House Enzunza, Ariel the Occasional Mermaid, Selena N. aka Velaicy Raptor, BperkyAlways, Pat L., Maxwell J., Lauren H., Serv16, Annie the Feywild Therapist, Connor Savage, Salil, Bioquart7, Amber Dextrous, Jack H., King of the Mole People under I Am Deep, Dressed in blue and fighting his way

through a bracket-style tournament, Vailen Pogge, the bitchin' bunny bard. Carlin C, Noah the Bullywog boy, hashtag honor the cock. James G, everything bago, the Aladdin who just wants to hang out with his pet badger, Stripey. Reverend Chatterbones, Han.

Eric B, Marcos, learns the balance druid. Frida M, Maggie, Holly the green laughing hyena finally caught up to the duck team. Akash Thakkar. Cal, just Cal. Aaron B. Russell H. A monk named Dil Go. Yes, the whole thing.

Yes, every time. Cody C. Lorelei, the succubi. And Kira, the succulent snack. McKenna Stout, your friendly neighborhood. Yont and Yunkle, Andrew and Sid. John Adams, the didn't win the vote but won your heart candidate, Meg, the male carrier of Bohemia, James F, Austin, S, Wayfarer now has to do something with the

trolls, get rid of them, turn to page 42, keep them, turn to page 69, Shane C, Barpo, Goodbarrel, Bard, Berian, Welsh Lander, Garrett G, One Big Curd, Renee, the monster captain, Olivia, the enchanting Bard, and Jared, the Soap Opera Cleric, who are playing Stick It to the Man, down with the monarchy. Winter S. Fico. Garrett, the Artificer. Damon J.

Anthony, the Raddest of Dudes. Jay, the Fairies have amended all their ways and are volunteering at their local petting zoo. Cantrip Dumbledore, the Bare Onesie-Wearing Barbarian. Lexi, Loves the Two Crew. Roger L. NoDrog, the Pass of Fist Barbarian. Lexi loves the two crew. Roger L. NoDrogge the pass a fist barbarian. Gino T. John Luca.

Tristan the talentless hunk. Shenanigans O'Connor. Mios the great Joshua S. Alexander. Linz W. Johnny dude K. Pavu Eskinoor the Goliath Paladin providing service with a smile. Tim M. MLG. Cheeto. Shelby Kenna's first favorite sprite girl, Happy

Hogliday's Annie Happy Blue Year kicking off 2025. CND20 at MSG. Snailus, who is infecting Worcestershire for within. Captain Morgan, Pirate Wizard. Pawpaw Skydays, Memaw Skydays, Megan N. Anthony B. Savannah H. Palinor's best friend. Steve. Stephanie of House Enzunza. Benjamin A. Gimli the Gorgi, Pawpaw, and Foster's canine friend. Mikkel A. Josh Hole, pilot of the Nightmare Verse flight. Froakie, the two crew, blew through. Jennery. Ethan, the mailman. Maple, the shy bookworm. Ashasaurus. Seth E. Billy Batson. Toratson Tory the Tungsten Dragoose Michael L Sprow II Jacob the Purveyor of Shenanigans Carl B Plumber of the Realm Dex Riddlewell Hannah A Ra

AceDrags Highlord of Critsburg Darius D The Guy From That One Thing Troy's Mom Ben Diagram GKC Teehee Teehee Catamilius the Consumed, Bardiff Holding, Clinton P., Grinchful Cam, The Grinch, Frogman, Dean, Jake W., Hi Mom, Tuesday Cross, the Choose Your Own Adventure Writer, Not the Porn Star, Steve L., Tyler Mc. M., Alex G., Zibby DeBackerie, Nicole Catarina C., Lady Jacqueline P. of Castle Whitestone,

Greg W. wants the D20 truck nuts Jake thought up. Huh, I don't even remember that. Sounds awesome though. Baruk Thunderhelm, fifth generation Minotaur, working as an abandoned labyrinth tour guide. Thank you, everybody.