Not Another D&D Podcast - D&D Court: Sleepy Sorcerers, Celebrity NPCs and The Dice Swiper Dilemma

Episode Date: March 14, 2025

Dungeon Court is back in session! Join Justices Murphy, Tanner and Junior Justice Hurwitz (position pending) as well as the EXALTED HIGH BAILIFF AXFORD as they convene to pass judgement on your trials at the table!GET TICKETS TO CREATOR KARAOKE HERE!CREDITS:Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor LyonDungeon Court Theme Song by Sam WeillerSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Murphy and Tanner, and then sort of a, you know, backup. Trial, sort of trial justice. A trial within a trial. Trial justice. That's cool. Jay Krawitz. Trial run, trial pun. Trial run. Yeah.

Thank you for semi-trusting me. Yeah. Sounds like. And then the sort of highly regarded bailiff, Emily Eckhart. Thank you so much for being here, Emily. Thanks for taking time out of your day. There's been a lot of chatter about how people wanted this bailiff back.

So I'm back, guys. You talked, I listened. What if we disrespected her? That would be pretty interesting. Yeah, that would be kind of sexist though, Jake. Wouldn't it be, huh? Yeah, I don't know. Nobody is allowed to disrespect me.

I don't think it's sexist. I am gonna make a note of that, Justice Hurwitz, so I'm gonna have to make a note of that. Yeah, no, then I strike it from the record. Please. Okay, hear ye, hear ye, crit is now in session. Honorable Justices Tanner Hurwitz and Murphy presiding. Wow, that sounds so good.

Our first case comes from Gabriel B. To the most honorable judges and to the bailiff who went solo that following Pac-Man rules became elevated. I bring to you the case of Napper's revenge. My older cousin invited me to play in a Pathfinder campaign with some of his friends and even though I'm D&D's little bitch, I got excited. I really went to ask.

Excuse me, that is Murph's title. You can't just take that from me. Come on now. Everyone knows I just know the one thing. I got excited, especially about my PC Arthur Peng-gaton. On the first session, the party was preparing to rest before an invasion that would happen in a few hours. And I started happily interacting with the magus, magus?

Magus, I don't know. Magus, magus? Magus, magus. I don't hear people talk about that. I've only ever read the word. I also hear magi. Oh, magus would be one or magus. I think it's magus, right? Magus, maybe magus. Magus! This is the cy would be one. Or Magus? I think it's Magus, right?

Magus, maybe Magus. Magus! This is the- What happened to Magus Dayton? Viva Las Magus. Whoa, that's a great one shot. Las Magus and it's a bunch of magus going to Las Vegas. Wow.

Holy shit. Everyone's cheating. Everyone's cheating at the table. You can't help but cheat. Yeah. Should we restart the record? Should we? Yeah.

Should we just go back? Let's do a one shot. Yeah, go ahead. You enter the casino. No, I meant just cause we're doing a bad job and talking about dumb shit. All right, go on. That too.

Okay, so the PC Arthur Pengaton is happily interacting with the Magus, which is what we're going with for today. Asking him about magic. That's when it began. Arthur Pengaton is happily interacting with the Magus, which is what we're going with for today, asking him about magic. That's when it began. The sorcerer, impatient to start the long rest, said, "'You wanna see a cool spell?'

and cast Sleep on the party. The spell lasts one minute, so when the Magus woke up, he stated that he was attacked and would have his revenge. They rolled initiative and in one turn, the Magus dropped the sorcerer with punches. Keep going and kill the guy. If the DM, my cousin wouldn't have said that the invasion was starting and we

had to deal with it. The group was silent. We never played again. And I miss my unused PC. Judges, I beg of thee to answer. What the fuck just happened? Whose fault was it? PS Love from Sao Paulo, Brazil.

All right, shout out to Sao Paulo. Yeah. Hello. It's no Mos Magus, but it's fun. Yeah. Okay, so. So basically, basically they're all winding down for a long rest and the sorcerer is annoyed that two players are having a

little bit of a role-play moment and then cast sleep on everyone. Great. Okay. The mage interpreted that as an attack and then punched them to death. Okay. My takeaway here is that you've got an incredible opportunity for a character on your hands which is a barbarian who pretends they're a magician and calls themselves something like the illuminated wizard or like the wisest of all, the grand sage. Oh, you could call them like the master of legend domain, because isn't that like slight of hand? Yeah.

But really you're just punching people. Exactly. I got two magic tricks. Okay, so this isn't really, you know, pitch your fucking ideas. punching people. Exactly. I got two magic tricks. Okay, so this isn't really, you know, pitch your fucking ideas. This is D&D court everyone, okay? Right. So like, I'm so sorry.

This isn't total tank justice. Yeah, this isn't total tank. And I'll add that to the record. Yeah. Thank you, Jake. I was trying to impress the exalted Axe for it. I'm so sorry. Oh yeah, she's so cool.

I gotta be honest, justice, it worked. Yeah. I immediately followed your tangent. Thank you, ma'am. Okay, so I think this is one of those good old fashioned situations where there are no heroes in the story, except for maybe the person who submitted this. I think the person who submitted it is a hero

because very first session, you're taking time. You're asking on a PC about their passion. Not only that, but most importantly, you listen to our show, which makes you a hero. So thank you for doing that. And we know you're a Patreon subscriber because you submitted a question. Right.

Thank you. That's so brave of you. You're a real hero. But no, I think as far as between the mage and the sorcerer that casts Leap, I think there are two villains here because interrupting somebody's role play moment and someone's character introduction moment

with a sleep spell is rude as hell. Especially in the first session, I could see friends doing that as a bit, like 60 sessions in, but. Yeah, so that's rude as hell, but you also don't punish being rude as hell with right beating them to death Which is what the mage then tried to do well Right, is it possible the fact that the mage was trying to punch

Rather than cast spells that they were kind of joking that they were like, I'm gonna punch him Right, and the punches just landed because they were low-level I mean it sounds like from the description of what happened that the DM had to like jump in to like save the sorcerer's life, right? Yeah, no, that's true. Yeah, they were ready to kill. Yeah, they were ready to kill. It's a case of two wrongs not making it right for me as well.

Right. Yeah. It's Pathfinder. So they used all three of their actions to strangle the sorcerer. Yeah. Yeah. This is yeah, this is tough, right? Because I feel like the person who started all of this is the sorcerer. And I think that's a major like social faux pas

is being at the table with a bunch of people and then just being like, oh, get to my turn. Like I hate that person. I think that, well, I don't hate that. I hate that archetype of person at the table. You know what I mean? Yeah, they were trying to like skip the cut scene. Yeah, which is like, it's not a cut scene of docking you fucking dick.

Right. I want you guys to stop enjoying the game before I can sleep. Yeah, the point of the first session is just to fight and not get to know each other. The more we talk about it, the more I think that the sorcerer actually did deserve to get punched.

Yeah, I almost kind of feel like the sorcerer deserved to get punched, unless they were very close friends, but they never played again. So I don't think that they were. I could see though, I don't know. It's rude in and out of characters, the thing. Yeah.

Your character's making an annoying choice, but it's really, it's like metagaming to be like, hey friends, shut up. Yeah. I'm bored by this. Which is why I'm like, yeah, I think I would have my character punch though. Right. I see that as being like an awkward joke about being like, I just cast sleep.

So we all go to bed and that just being kind of like a mood killer to a certain extent, but then once the other person's like, I attack them, I keep attacking them. They're down. I keep attacking them. That being a total like absolute table destroyer. How dare you? I wasn't ready to go to bed. At the same time, I almost want this sorcerer to know,

hey man, what was that? Yeah, but you can say, hey man, what was that? If you just politely look sad, then I think that someone who does that doesn't get the memo that- No, I get what you mean, but you don't, there's a difference between, even if they just knocked them out, even if you're like, if this case was just,

someone cast sleep on them while they were talking, the wizard woke up, cast fireball and knocked them out. You're right, they should have punched them once. Yeah, you should have punched them eight, nine times. You should have done, you should have done, like you should have punched them just, where's that part on the arm that really hurts? All of it?

Oh, like right here in the forearm muscle, right? What? Is that what it, no I think it. The funny bone? What are you talking about? What do you mean the part that hurts? Just getting punched hurts. The flesh?

You mean just like when you get like, when someone gives you like a dead arm when you're like in high school and someone just like punches you in the arm? That's just someone punching you like a dead arm when you're like in high school and someone just like punches you in the arm that's just someone punching you mad hard you mean that's just physical prowess? that's just physical attack that's not aim at a specific muscle no i think that they're just trying to hurt you i guess i guess it's more like the muscle than it is like uh the forearm or something like that

right it's more like the bicep there's no achilles tricep i don't think yeah i guess they're trying to like bruise your bicep, which sounds nuts. Yeah. Okay. They needed a fun name for it. Dead arm, Charlie horse, but it's all just punching your friends.

Yeah. Do we think that the sorcerer would have learned the lesson, the same lesson and got that like, hey man, that wasn't cool if the mage had woken up and slapped them instead? Yeah, I guess. Slapping just sounds so real. Just being like, I wake up, I slap you. Yeah, I guess. Slapping just sounds so real. Just being like, I wake up, I slap you.

It's like, whoa. It also happened more impressive. It needs to be in the middle, because that sounds real. Yeah. It's just like these two people got into an argument and the one person slapped the other. It just sounds so fucking real.

You're right, because if I were playing the game and someone was like, I'm gonna punch your character, I would be like, I immediately know this is a joke. If it was like, I slap your character. He'd be like, whoa. Escalating. Too little of an escalation just feels real. And too much of an escalation just makes you a maniac.

So it just needs to be, I wake up and I cast Fireball on them. They need to be like, they should have cast a spell. I think that since this was the first session, and since a mage's punches were able to down this sorcerer, I think they must have had so little hit point that a fireball would have killed them also. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, I think you gotta answer this with a,

this is a prank war escalation situation. So you can use a fireball, but you gotta use it to burn up their pants or do something like that. Sure. You gotta just get rid of one item of their clothing so you can have this, you have a perfect opportunity

for a little rivalry forming there where you're casting spells on each other, you're doing spell pranks back and forth, and you just overreacted is what I was thinking. A liar liar pants on fire situation. Exactly. Can you take someone else being passive aggressive and turn it into a prank war?

That seems like, you know. You know what, there's no better playground than Pathfinder to find out. Yeah. This is so not Pathfinder specific. It's very funny you know. You know what? There's no better playground than Pathfinder to find out. Yeah. Yeah. This is so not Pathfinder specific. It's very funny that that was mentioned. As you know, in Pathfinder, people

are known to put each other to sleep and then murder each other. I mean, the Pathfinder detail is important, though, because if the mage punched three times and took the increasing multi-pack penalty, and each time it hit. She's getting tired. And each time it hit, the dice were just like, yeah, dude. Oh, fuck, he killed him with map. He used map and he killed him.

Geez, okay, well, I think this is the rare time where we can just rule against both of them because we do have people to rule on the side of, which is, I feel bad for everyone that had to watch this go down because it must've been so awkward. The first thing that happened, you're just like, ooh, kind of a bad joke, kind of just rude, huh?

And then the other person reacting was just like, ha, you're not gonna let this go, huh? Aw, geez, aw, geez, we gotta stop the murder. It was kind of funny for the DMs, because basically they were going to bed to wake up to fight off an invasion, and the DM literally was just like, actually the invasion is happening

and you guys have to stop fighting each other. Yeah, that's good, good call, DM. Okay, so you guys now have to punish the mage and the sorcerer. Okay, okay, so the DM and their cousin get to go to Mos Magus. Oh yeah. The Magus and the sorcerer, they have to stay home.

They have to watch Viva Rock Magus. You got it. Which is a fan film that we will make. That we will make. Based on Fred being a wizard. Yeah, which is, I think it's a... And which just takes away all the stakes. Because he can wish for all the clams that he wants.

Have you ever said an idea out loud and it immediately sold? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, in the room. In the Zoom. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, in the room, in the Zoom. Yeah, it sold in the Zoom. So douchey, so fucking douchey. It killed in the Zoom.

They fucking killed in the Zoom. I had a pitch with Warner, it sold in the Zoom. Yeah. I wanna just, oh man, I wanna just write regular comedy again so I can have a character say that. It fucking sold in the Zoom. It sold in the Zoom. have a character say that. It fucking sold in the Zoom. It sold in the Zoom. It killed in the Zoom, then it sold in the Zoom.

Yeah, oh God, okay. So congratulations, you have to watch our fan film. Okay, so ordered. Next up from Nina, the case of Kevin the Guard who became James Blunt the Bard. To the most esteemed and honorable judges, Murphy, Tanner, and Axford, who serve as a constant state of joy and inspiration.

And oh, hey, Jake, didn't see you there. You look well. And I'm- I'm actually doing great. I recently sold a project in the zoo. In the zoo. It's a spinoff of the Flintstones that I don't own the IP for.

That I don't own. Okay, I'm the DM of a party. They picked up a truly random nothing character called Kevin who is a guard in a town. Great. Flash forward and they are all exchanging secrets around the fire. They ask Kevin if he has any.

Kevin has no secrets. Kevin didn't exist two hours ago, but I asked for a persuasion check. Nat 20. Panicked, I say dramatic sigh. I'm international pop sensation James Blunt. They now love Kevin. They have knighted Kevin and made him Lord Steward of their castle and town. My question is, can I brutally and in cold blood kill Kevin or must I live with him now? I feel it may be relevant that the party were level two for 18 real months, so maybe they deserve Kevin. What are you doing?

I think that there was a Nat Tony from the players and they panicked. No, I know, but they're making their characters James Blunt and they don't let their characters level up. The DM didn't let them level up. This is play? This is the DM, right? And they play for 18 months at level two.

They got nothing else to live for. I think the submitter is being honest, being like, I leveled them up too slowly. Do I owe them this? I mean, I guess they're just fighting like Bullywugs and goblins and- Or they're role-playing their servitude to James Blunt. Right, yeah. Oh, that's true.

I guess, yeah, I guess if you're just adopting guards, then maybe you're not grinding very much. They all kind of become his small counsel for his kingdom. It's just kingdom management at this point. Maybe. I think they just love Kevin. I think this is a classic situation of a DM wants to honor a nat 20 and maybe goes above and beyond

in a moment of panic. And now the players love it. And the DM is like, how do I get rid of this? Yeah. The issue is if you take away Kevin now, you only make a martyr of Kevin slash James Blunt. They will love him more. Wait a second.

I just realized it's James Blunt. He just can go on tour. Oh. That's true. That's so true. That's true. James Blunt just can give them a tearful goodbye. You're beautiful. He just says, you're beautiful. He gives them, he's like, you're beautiful

to each single one and gives them each a common magic item. Yeah. Right. You're beautiful. Yeah, I think you can go out, you can go out with a big bang too, because you can actually play the song and you can be like, he looks at you guys and he says, y'all love is brilliant.

Love is whatever. I'll have to go rescue my sister, Emily Blunt. We are. Cannon, cannon, absolutely. No, but it is, it can be in this world. That's the power of fantasy, is that in this world, the power of fantasy is that anyone in the real world with the same last name can be related to anyone else.

The power of fantasy is that you have the chance to say, I'm James Blunt and I need to go back on tour, but also be doing yoga with my hot sister. What? You shouldn't call his sister hot. Objectively, I'm saying I understand other people think that about her. Right.

It is hot. I think even her brother would be able to admit that. It'd be honestly strange if I didn't call her hot. What a great way to get your players to turn against James Bond. That's true. This is just ask them, say, my sister, and then just go into how she's really defensively talk about her being, quote, objectively attractive. I'm sorry.

This is, yeah. Well, you said she's hot, so I just agree with you. Is that wrong? Oh, so dumb. So basically the heart of this question though is, my question is can I brutally and in cold blood kill Kevin or must I live with him now? I think you have to live with him. I think you made your bed and you have to lie.

I mean, you're the DM, so you can be like, if they're bringing this random guard into all kinds of battles. I mean, you're the DM, so you can be like, if they're bringing this random guard into all kinds of battles. Although again, you're level two, so you guys are, you're fighting like, challenge rating one quarter things. I don't know that they're gonna be able to kill Kevin. Like he seems, he's probably around for the long haul

if you keep keeping things so low stakes. Yeah. All of this does kind of seem like to be stemming off of choices that you have made, unfortunately. Yeah, but in the heat of the moment, so you got to extend that grace. You've been there before and been like, I need to honor this Nat 20,

and then words come out of your mouth that you regret. Uh-huh. Right. It takes solace in the fact that your players fucking love it. Yeah. So, yeah. You haven't messed anything up. Yeah. I mean, you already said that he's in charge of like your keep or something like that. So I

think you could literally just kind of have James doing side quests in the background. You can kind of like do James check-ins. You can kind of like have like a blunt plot going on in the background where like James is like raising crops or like soldiers for you or like maybe he's got his blacksmith working on new weapons. And you know what? Honestly, maybe you could just keep track of the tour. Like have like a tour. You could build a little like homebrew for like how his tour is going. And that can be.

The DM wants to do more James Bond stuff. They could just become, they could change the whole campaign into their security detail. This is exactly what this DM wants. The DM wrote in because they want more James Blunt stuff. Nina, I think we figured it out. I do think that would solve the problem actually. If you spent like two weeks just crafting like James Blunt mechanics and they did that for your players,

they would all lose interest so fast that they would move on. You'd think that, but players tend to do just the opposite of what you actually want. That's true. So they would just, they would smell it. They would sense it. They'd be like, they would smell it. They would sense it. They'd be like, you're doing this.

They do love a double down. Yeah, you're doing this to a double reverse psychology me. And I'm gonna triple reverse psychology you by being into it. Yeah, my new character is James's sister. Yeah. I have a new idea. So instead of just like unceremoniously,

surprise, I have a world tour. You have another bard come into town. Maybe it's that guy good god I can't remember his name. He's got orange hair and Care Ed Sheeran your thought is carrot top and we're talking about James Blunt Caldwell That's the only person with red hair that you can think of I'm just thinking, what was he called? Chairman of the Board was his movie?

It's gotta be that guy. Where he's like a surfer. He's got a residency in Mos Magus, do not denigrate his name. He does, he does have. So you have some star like that come into town doing a worldwide tour. You have him.

For doing press for Chairman of the Board, 1998's Chairman of the Board. That is sweaty. Okay. I don't know that that's gonna make any sense. Well it's Carrot Top's sort of surf comedy from the late 90s. Okay, but no, no, no, basically-

We have to watch it for a mixed bag. Basically I think you just have some kind of musician come in, they're doing a show, the opening act gets killed, right? So there's like this big dramatic scene, maybe they can try to help the opening act not get killed, maybe they save the opening act, but the opening act is like scared,

they don't wanna do it anymore. Ed Sheeran or Carrot Top, whatever you feel more inspired by, goes to James Blunt in front of the crew and is like, I need you. I can't continue the world tour without you. And you have James Blunt be like, I could never leave my friends,

but like clearly wants to do it. And then they'll be the ones to say, you know what, James? I think you should go. Just to save an insuranceeran's door. You have James Bond be like, I don't know. Or Carrot Top. You know what's going to happen, right? They're going to be like, Ed Sheeran, you should actually come with us.

And we're rolling that choice. You know what? You're 100% right. That's actually wrong. Carrot Top, you need to come with us, actually. You can't leave the decision in your player's hands, after all. Ultimately, I think you have kind of made this bet. That being said, you're the DM,

so you can kill a character sort of at any moment, but you have sort of fed this beast. So don't be surprised if you kill Kevin, and instead of it being like a cool, epic moment, it's just everyone sort of sad and mad at you. Yeah, yeah. I would do what has been lightly pitched here, which is like, leave him, first off,

let your characters level up, get them to level three. So they outlevel Kevin the guard and then have Kevin the guard, AKA James Blunt stay in town and let him kind of be the Charlie of Charlie's Angels. Let him just like, they can get updates on him or whatever without building mechanics or basic role campaign around James Blunt. Leave him home, he needs to do his stuff

for his next record. He's in the studio, he's gotta work on his next album. Yeah, even if you were like, hey, actually the reason I'm going by Kevin the Guard right now is because like I'm scared to sing again. Well then they're just gonna wanna inspire him then they're just gonna want to inspire him. They're just gonna want to fucking inspire him. There's a reason why he's Kevin the guard.

You guys just have great threads for James Blood campaigns. That's what you all have brought to this. It's just great ideas to make these players double down on James Blood. Maybe Carrot Top is tormenting James Blood and that's why he went into hiding. So Carrot Top is tormenting James Blunt and that's why he went into hiding. So Carrot Top is the big bad. Yeah, becomes the bad guy.

It's true, yeah. Yeah, I really- The only way- A man kissed by fire. The only way is to be like, you guys are level three now, James Blunt still just has 10 HP because he's just a regular ass dude. James Blunt says, I need to go work on my album.

He goes to work on his album. They say, we want to check in on him. James Blunt looks like he's really trying to concentrate on his album. You ask him, he says, I have writer's block. I'm trying to write. They try to interact with them in a fun way. He says, I'm working. I'm really busy right now. And you just keep doing that until they stop. And if they want to just keep annoying your made up NBC, you can just do nothing and let them play by themselves while you say, he's practicing piano in the background. You can give it a little more flavor though, by being like, I'm James, but I've been creatively blocked,

but being around you guys, it's flowing out of me now. The bailiff has a great point. Then they'll be like, can we hear your new song? It's flowing out of you. Can we hear your new song? And then you pull up Spotify, James Blunt, and whatever the most popular song is. And then they'll laugh hysterically,

and they'd be like, that's awesome, James. You got another one. And Spotify will yet again have another one. Yeah, I guess that's true. That's another way to do it. It's just like, look, I'll sit here and play James Blunt's songs, James. You got another one. And Spotify will yet again have another one. Yeah, I guess that's true. That's another way to do it. It's just like, look, I'll sit here and play James Blunt's songs all day if that's what you all want.

I'll be a damn jukebox. So who are you guys sentencing? I think the DM. Sentencing the DM. Yeah, the DM made this bed. The DM, I mean, yeah. They're the one that said James Blunt. Yeah.

They could have said anything. It could have been any secret. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's true, yeah. At a certain point, you can't fault the players for doubling down. You've given them a juicy, succulent joke, and they must just strip every piece of meat from the bone.

Yeah. And what sort of punishment are we thinking? I think they have to take your guys' advice and just double down and do it with one campaign, I guess. Come up with, we'll take stuff from Caldwell, make mechanics to see how his tour is doing. It's all building for a big final show at Moss Magus. Okay. Whoa, yeah.

And maybe you finally get to meet Emily Brunt's husband, John Krasinski there. So that's like gonna be a huge, that's gonna be huge for you. And you can give some of Caldwell's opinions about that imaginary friend. That imaginary friend movie. So Krasinski is like a huge Carrot Top fan. So you get to Boston Vegas and Carrot Top is headlining

one place and Jaqueline Watt is headlining the other. And you have to choose between the two shows, which you will go to, James Flan or Carrot Top. Okay, so ordered. So ordered. So ordered. Powerful choice. Next up, we've got Sydney.

May it please the judges and the other one. I present the case of the car lake. Recently four of my five players went on vacation together using one of their cars. The owner, this is a real life story. Okay. The owner of the car let someone else drive for a while and she proceeded to drive the car into a lake with all four of them inside.

Wait, is this just real? Wait, are you gonna ask us if murder is okay? No, everyone's okay. Everyone's okay, good. Okay, it's an insurance thing. Okay, car into a lake with all four of them inside after missing the first two exits. Everyone is okay and she apologized but she regards the situation as

basically being over since there's nothing else that can be done. The owner of the car does not feel the same way. You are now extremely mad at each other and refuse to talk about it. And the one other player who didn't go on vacation just messaged the group chat asking when we're playing again. Justices, am I wrong if I let this game die along with the car or should I be pushing harder for my players to work out this issue in game?

P.S. I was sent a photo of this situation. I have to be honest, the lake was pretty far from the road in parentheses 15 plus feet. No. Jesus. I will say the passengers do have to be like, stop, stop going say the passengers do have to be like, stop. Where is everyone else during this?

I think like this, the driver simply must have been trying to get to the lake. They must have wanted to take a detour, right? They must have wanted to see that lake. This must be like a really mossy lake or something like that where it's not. I hadn't thought of that. But still just like driving into the grass.

Hallucinatory terrain. Was it nighttime? Real life hallucinatory terrain. Yeah, this hadn't thought of that. But still just like driving into the grass. Hallucinatory terrain. Was it nighttime? Real like, hallucinatory terrain. Must have been nighttime. Yeah, it looks like a parking lot. Although there's a picture that shows how close it or how far it was from the road. Yeah, so obviously, okay, so you don't need D&D court, you need real court. Right. The driver needs to sue this person, I think, right? I think that's how this works. Yeah, or at least some sort of mediation, conflict mediation to decide if money needs to be exchanged.

It is destroying someone's car and then just being like, I'm sorry, but you need to get over this is wild. You have to, if the person was like, look, I'm so sorry, but I'm absolutely fucked and I can't pay for this. Like I'll figure out a way to help you or something, but I can't like completely replace a car. I don't know, it still is their fault. So you could still be very mad at them,

but at least that would be a human response is to be like- They might've had that as a human response. We don't know the details. They might've said- We can only go off what we have here, which is they said that they're sorry, but there's nothing they can do. It's wild.

I guess the question that is on the mind of Sydney is because the fourth member of the campaign who wasn't on the trip texted the group text and said, when are we playing again? This is also a mess because why wasn't everyone invited, right? It just seems weird. Yeah. Well, maybe this person was busy.

They might have been, they had obligations. Yeah. Yeah. You got to text them off thread and say, hey, I don't know if you heard. Yeah. I think this is an off thread conversation with the other person. Be like, we might have to go to the game store and start up a new crew. On some level, I was like, this problem supersedes D&D and you should just let them figure it out. But on another, I'm like, maybe this has come

to such a stalemate and these people are retreated so far into their corners that you need a little innocuous question like, hey, when's the D&D group getting together for them to come back to the table? The human answer is texting both the guilty and offended party and being like off the group chain and being like, this person suggested this,

would this feel good for you or do we want to lay this? I feel like you gotta just, they can't be friends. Like, could you be friends with someone that crashed your car and then was like, I'm sorry, could you drop it? I think the friends have to pick a side. The person who was wrong, the person who had their car driven in the fucking lake.

Yeah. Right, exactly. So you choose the side of the car owner, not the lake driver. And then it's kind of three on one. You're like, hey, everybody feels like you owe more than an apology, some kind of three on one, you're like, hey, everybody feels like you owe more than an apology. Some kind of monetary thing. Can I suggest that like everyone else in the car

is partially to blame because like, what are you doing just like watching this person drive towards a bank? It is true, like watching someone drive too on your feet into a lake. I would just be like, whoa, hop, hop, hop, hop, whoa, whoa, hey. You good? You good?

You, hup, hup. We mean this? Yeah. I think, at a certain point you go for the wheel, right? You're like, hey, come on, you gotta stop. Yeah. Well, who knows? Or just into the park.

That might've happened. It's not like they're gonna write a D&D court being like, people were making noises and going, oh. Right. I actually do want more information on all of this. Yeah, I kind of do too. I think there's, this is pretty open and going, oh. Right. I actually do want more information on all of this. Yeah, I kind of do too. I think there's, this is pretty open and shut to me.

If you crash someone's car and you're just like, dude, get over it. Yeah. You're wrong. I think it sounds like we're gonna rule against the lake driver. I think you just kick, I think you guys are right. You just kick out the lake driver until they figure something out.

Right. Cause I think this is a pretty batshit crazy thing to do, so they might not be that collaborative and enjoyable. That's not like the cleric you want in your party, you know what I mean? They're not gonna. I'm sorry, there's nothing I could do.

Yeah. As someone who's not like ass tapped into gossip, I do feel like sometimes I say something on a group text and I'm like, huh, everyone's being really weird today. And then I find out later. That everyone is being weird for a good reason. That something crazier is going on. Yeah.

Okay, so let's give a generous read to Lake Driver. Okay. So the best case scenario is that it's a- Is swerving to miss roadkill. Oh! It could have been a turtle A dead animal? Oh sorry, like um, swerving

to miss so that it doesn't come Like a squirrel, sure, sure, okay A lake, there could have been a turtle like crawling across the road. That's not what happened Oh, there could have been a turtle crawling on its way to get its eggs fertilized. This is a rare It's getting too generous.

They don't do that in lakes. You cannot be interrupting the fertility rights of turtles. They did it to the ocean I thought. That turtle had a big clutch. I'm sure there's a lake turtle. Do not fucking at me. The turtles that lay their eggs in lakes. But no, what I was saying was this might just be a thing

that insurance takes care of, but then this person's rate gets hiked up. So you do- Right. So the lake driver, they do need to help them out monetarily somehow. Shouldn't it be the lake? Okay, so now we're actually getting into real court,

which is why we'll have to wrap this up, but wouldn't it be the Lake driver's insurance that covers it? Oh man, I don't know. I would need to see both of their policies and what's covered. I would say, I would say. We simply are not qualified to weigh in on this.

We found it, we found the way the Lake driver could be okay. If the Lake driver's insurance is paying for the car and then they said, this was an accident, I'm sorry. And it still continues to be dramatic. The lake driver does have a point to a certain extent. If they are paying for it. And if you let me drive your car

and I drive it into a lake, but I pay for it, then it is, and then I say, I'm sorry. It is, you kind of can't match, right? Yeah, you can fight dragons with me again. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. If Jake drives my car into a lake, and then is like, don't worry, my insurance has it,

I think I am just like, wait, what the fuck? Especially if I was swerving to avoid a pregnant turtle. Yeah. Right? It's a visibly pregnant turtle. Yeah. Right? Visibly pregnant turtle. Clutch of eggs. It has a bumper sticker that says, baby on board. Baby on board.

On its shell. On its shell. Okay, so we- That is a good point. So I think then, since we don't know whose insurance is covering this. Wait, okay, hang on, hang on. We're gonna ask, we're gonna ask,

if you are driving someone else's car and crash, whose insurance pays? Oh, wow. And while you're looking that up, I did look up that it does seem like lake turtles will lay their eggs on land, similar to the way that ocean turtles will. So there's a very real likelihood

that the turtle could be going for some like drier, sandier soil to bury their eggs in. All right, so it says generally, I'm getting this on Quora, I'm getting this on Google, I'm getting this on a random blog from a law office. Oh, let's go with the blog. Let's go with the blog. If you allow someone else to drive your car.

Wait, do you have, what was the thing that we kept? Wednesday. Do you have a Wednesday Adams? The Wednesday Adams subreddit? I do, yeah. Okay, so the Wednesday Adams subreddit says, if you allow someone else to drive your car and they get into an accident,

your auto insurance will come into play. Okay. Wow. So it is the person that owned the car, so that's fucked up. If Jake drives my car into a lake and then says, I'm sorry, this is your problem, I'm bad. If anything, this is like a warning to be really careful about who you let drive your car. Yeah, sure. In general, this is like a warning to be really careful

about who you let drive your car in general for all of us. Okay, so then in that case, are we punishing? We're punishing the lake driver. Yeah, obviously. How? We had to drive their car into a lake. Okay, perfect. Yeah, right.

Perfect. And maybe they have to get into turtle advocacy. They have to foster turtles as well. They have to foster turtles. Okay, so ordered. You gotta dig some nests. Yeah, and I think their question was also like, can I salvage this group?

The answer of course is no. Of course not. Just kick out the late driver. Yeah, maybe try that route. You get three out of four. Hey there, NAD Polls. This episode is brought to you by Raycon. Does anyone feel like March is just madness?

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I played in a 10 person campaign and I'm playing the party's healer, a life domain cleric named Coach Hawk Barsky. As part of his backstory, he was always bullied during school and thus became a coach to end bullying. While the party was exploring, Coach Hawk Barsky noticed a group of teens bullying a kid. He went over to confront the group and ended up getting punched in the nuts and tabletopped

by the teens. For flair, the DM put my character into a flashback of the same exact thing happening to a young Coach Hawk Barsky. And in the flashback, he retaliated by punching the bully in the face. But in reality, he chose to be doing a first level inflict wounds uppercut to the teen bully in charge. It immediately killed the teen who had commoner stats.

And as a result, another party member, Azellit Barbarian, did a reckless attack on Coach Hawk Barsky and downed him. Once the tension settled and Coach Hawk Barsky was brought back up, he used all of his money and some of the other PC's money to do a revivify on the team and we moved along with the campaign. I get razzed about it from time to time, but I need to ask the court, am I wrong for playing along with the DM's flashback scenario and getting triggered by the drama or should I have taken the high road and not retaliated?

I await the court's decision in shame. So, yeah, okay. This is interesting. It's very funny for the lesson you've learned is like, it was wrong of me to punch back before. I should have used magic. Yeah, I do think your character probably could have tried to use a persuasion check or something like that, but maybe it's the beginning of their story.

I think that when the DM put them into a flashback, that was their intention. If anything, you were doing what the DM was prompting They wanted you to they wanted your judgment to be clouded by the past Yeah, so you reacted as if it was clouded by the past I think if you get tabletopped by a teen you should be doing no less than 10 d8 psychic damage to yourself You should have been down before you were down. You should have been doing fucking death saves. Getting tabletopped is so shocking. You fall back so, so hard.

Yeah, yeah. I'll say, I'm against the DM here. I understand why you shouldn't have cast inflict wounds on random teenagers that were picking on you. But the DM set you up for this. And also, I kind of hate that gotcha moment of being like, you actually killed them. Because it really, it says in the rules that you're allowed to do lethal or non-lethal damage.

You're so right. The DM could have been like, oh shit, I was just trying to do a descriptive moment, but you've gotten lost in the moment and you did this thing. they could have been like, are you doing lethal or non-lethal? Right. It's raz entrapment is what it is.

Yes. Enrazzment, this is enrazzment. We've had wrongful razzings, this is enrazzment. This is absolutely enrazzment. Cause you didn't, I get that, maybe raw, maybe by the rules, non-melee attacks, maybe like a spell, maybe you can't like fireball to just knock someone out.

But I do think that the fact that you described it as like an uppercut inflict wounds, it's like pretty clear that you didn't wanna kill the other character, you know what I mean? And you could write. You just wanted to show, here's my new magic, like fighting off a fight. Like I'm powerful now.

I really like where you're starting with this character too. Like you clearly have a long way to go. You're like a real shit head getting a bride type who punches a teen with magic. Yeah, you know, that's your arc. But I think that you could teach that lesson by being like, you cast inflict wounds,

the dude flies up three feet straight in the air from getting uppercut and just lands and horrifically breaks his nose and begins screaming. That gets the exact same point across. They could razz you, that could be a character building moment, and they don't have to describe killing teenagers. Like what the fuck?

Like why do that? Why? Yeah, like without you walking into that. Yeah, like tricking people into like, it's so weird. That's what they wanted to happen. Yeah, like without you walking into that. Yeah, like we're tricking people into like, it's so weird. It's like that's what they wanted to happen. Yeah, they wanted. Why put you into that flashback

to accept to trigger you into attack? Right, we did it. We had a moment like this in campaign one where we had all these like teams that were pretending to be bad asses, but weren't actually bad asses. And then as soon as you guys attack them, imagine if I was like, you cut their head off instantly.

The kid is dead. It's like, what the fuck? No, but we did it. We did it. They were just like, why did you attack me? They just like instantly became like winners. And it's like that got the exact same point across. That didn't make anyone feel bad.

It didn't make, well, it did make people, it made people feel bad, but it made them feel bad in a funny way. Where we could have a funny reaction and it could just be like, cool, lesson learned. I am a powerful spell caster now. And now I'm, you know, this, this powerful character, I need to be above this.

Instead you're like, I'm going to make your character a murderer and make them basically like unredeemable. Like without this Revivify, you're just like, cool. Now my character has no backstory because you've tricked me into being a murderer. Yeah. Yeah. So we are ruling against the DM

because we think that they could have- This was in Rasmund. It was in Rasmund. Yeah, it's in Rasmund. Because though it was a fun thing to show the flashback, once it went that far, they could have read the room and been like, okay, you don't fully kill them. Yeah. And I'm gonna drive your car into a lake.

Okay, that's a great punishment. That's a great punishment. Or you drive my car into a lake and I sue you to pay for the dance. It's also such bullshit too, to be like, oh, they had commoner stats. How did they tabletop then? So one of them was commoner stats, did a stealth check that did better

than their passive perception. And then the other one landed an attack roll that was better than your athletics check. That's fucking bullshit. That's not fucking real. He's getting mad now. We might need a harsh punishment. This is absolute enraged.

This is absolute enraged. No, you're right though, because if you just had them there for flavor and you weren't doing proper roles and they got something off on your character, then it's weird to suddenly have them have stats. A successful tabletop would be the person that is the table has to do a stealth check, maybe even with fucking disadvantage

because you've got to get up behind them. Right, because you're crawling against someone's leg. You're like touching their leg. Well, you could army crawl. Okay. So whatever, your army crawling. So whatever. So commoner makes a flat stealth check after commoner makes a flat stealth check. Other commoner does a flat shove attack, which would be against your athletics. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So you should have gotten hit. And you're so powerful that you're murdering them in one hit. And these two quote unquote commoners destroyed you. Give me a fucking break. No, this is absolute enraism. I'm pissed now. Okay, well. Merp's driving your car into a lake.

So Mason N, not only are we ruling in your favor. We're driving your DM's car into a lake. I'm also now going to read Mason N included a PS with a question that was actually quite a popular question that GGG and Max H and Christopher Martin G also asked. The PS from Mason N that was echoed by others was not a court submission, but could we get Murph's opinion of John Cena's heel turn?

Fucking rub it. It fucking rocks. It was really fun. It was awesome. It's so shocking. It fucking rocks. It was really fun. It was awesome. It's so shocking. It fucking rules. He played it well. That man is having fun.

That man is having fun. Big match. John is back. Everybody. Yeah. It was great. Yeah. I had no idea.

Yeah. So for anyone that doesn't watch wrestling, essentially John Cena was just this unbeatable good guy to the point where adults would boo him. Like people that were extremely online and you know, myself is like someone who was like 21 years old watching wrestling would be like, they fucking hate John Cena. He's not technically sound. People would be like booing this dude, but then he went away for a while and now he's back and he's been like really embraced by everyone because he's been gone for like five, six years or a while and now he's back and he's been like really embraced by everyone Because he's been gone for like five six years or whatever. So now everybody's like, oh, yeah

I was like immature back then but John Cena actually rocks. He's really great for the business or whatever Yeah, he's nice to the kids and then they made him a bad guy and that's so good That's incredible That rules That absolutely fucking rocks It was great And he sold it really well too. Yeah.

I feel like you didn't see it coming. The man's a performer. The man's a star, let's face it. The man's a star. You know what? John Cena's gonna throw your car in the lake. Oh yeah. Yeah.

John Cena's gonna turn heel on this DM. He's gonna heal John Cena throwing his car in the lake? Yeah, John Cena shows up to your house. John Cena's gonna show up to this DM's house and he's going to be like, hey, I heard you're a really cool DM that does really cool stuff, like trick people into murdering.

Do you mind if I borrow your car? I want to take cool pictures with it and tell everyone that we're friends. And then of course you say, of course, big match John, I want you to drive around in my Corolla and take pictures of it and say, I'm really good friends with you. I wanna take cool pictures with it

and tell everyone I'm your friend. I wanna tell everyone that we're friends. Yeah, on the social media. He calls it the social media. That has really strong bot energy. Yeah. Well, he shows up and he is kind of acting quite robotically. So he says that, then he takes your Corolla,

he drives it into a lake and he says, bet you didn't see me coming. Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! He says that you can't see me in front of his face. He does post it on the social media. And then he posts it on the social medias.

But he docks. You can't see, what about, you can't see me-ada. Yeah. Oh, you can't see me-ata. Yeah. Oh, you can't see me-ata. Yeah. Oh, and then he's in a me-ata. Next to your Corolla, sinking. You can't see me-ata is really, really good.

You can't see me-ata. He's in a me-ata. Wow. He's in a me-ata. Your Corolla's sinking in the lake, and then he leaks your social security number. And it was all a Mazda commercial. And it was all a fucking Mazda commercial.

He's sponsored by Mazda, Mazda loves heels. Oh my God. Okay, well, so ordered. That's just it. So fucking ordered. Wow, that's the best punishment we've ever come up with. Yeah, it really has. Wow. Okay, so I have a question that is like

about a married couple. Okay. Some marriage woes really. Okay, so I have a question that is like about a married couple. Okay. Some marriage woes really. Okay. Hugo W writes, if it may please the court, they said please roll on the wild magic surge table to determine what effect this case will have on the bailiff. Can someone roll on the magic surge table?

Sure, yeah. Magic wild magic. Just roll me a D100. All right, I'll roll the D100. I have it pulled up. Okay. Sure. Magic, wild magic. Just roll me a D100. All right. I'll roll the D100. I have it pulled up. Okay. 48. Okay. So what is this having?

This is you went up to three creatures you choose within 30 feet of you have the invisible condition for one minute. So I'm invisible. Can't see me out of. You can't see me out of. Um, okay. I am writing today, asking the court to issue an injunction against my wife stealing my dice. When we started playing D&D together,

I bought her a set of metal dice. This was about two years ago. And in this time, she has become an absolute magpie for dice and brings six full sets to each session we play plus a spare D20. She has gone so far as to buy me a set of new dice so as to justify taking sets of my dice that she particularly likes.

In a game two weeks earlier, I was setting up my DM screen when she asked to see the new D20 I bought earlier this week. It was blue and has the one ring from Lord of the Rings suspended inside of it. She attempted to pocket the new die. What? Claiming she liked it and tried to trade me back.

She is single. Trade me back a die she had stolen from me three months ago. Was it her birthday? That's a good, you have to ask, was it her birthday? As long as it's her birthday, it's fine. It's not in this, but the dice that she tried to give back that she had stolen was an AdAD pod pop-out D20. Whoa, those are actually pretty cool.

Those are actually awesome. That's why it was stolen. That's a quote, this is a merchandise. It was stolen. Where can I get one of those? No, I successfully recovered my precious new D20. I am asking for an end to the polyhedral shenanigans via an official court ruling.

Thank you and may dice Christ bless us all. When you take your marriage vows, do you not say what's mine is yours? Wow. Whoa. But is that not, is not the reverse true? Cause it sounds like she is hoarding dice. You're right.

You know, so if there's a dice pool, if we're all, Oh. If we're all sharing from one dice pool, if we're all sharing from one dice pool, that's fine. But if one person is very particular about dice and one person's not. That's right. You have to go to your wife and you have to say, look, we either have three pools, the shared one

and our individual ones, or we have one pool, it's all shared, but what is going on right now is we have two pools, a shared one and yours. Yeah. This is why I'm a big advocate for prenups. You can iron all of this stuff out. Yeah, geez, you really should have gotten this

in writing up top. Yeah. Because we don't really have, I feel like you don't steal dice, but you care more than I do. Like I will literally, oftentimes when we do live shows, I will either forget my dice or I will want to support a local game shop, mostly Wolf. When we go to a city, I'll go to a local game shop and I'll buy a few sets of dice or Jake and

Caldwell have done this. We buy them for each other. I'll often pick last, especially before Emily. And I'll just be like, who wants this one? I'll take whatever one you don't want. And Em's the opposite where she'll be like, this one feels magical, this one has bad energy. You know, it's like really like a spiritual thing for Emily in a way that it's not for me. I'll confess to having a wandering eye at your dice. Really?

You have this like pearl set with gold numbers and I'm always like kind of. Is it this one? No. No, okay. It's like pearl, or like a whitish pearl-y-ness. She doesn't even know where they are. So that is a thing.

If Emily were to steal it, it is like, I am treating my dice badly. That's true. That's why I'm giving it a better life. But I always, whenever I see it, I am like- It never even pickles that bad. Yeah. I will be like, let me just give an exploratory role

and see if there's some chemistry here. And there's never been chemistry. Oh, wow. But I might make up for it. But you go over and you like roll my dice when you're by yourself. Of course. You try to entice the dice.

I see if anyone actually is responding to me more than you. But I also am generous though. I take your dice that you're gonna use for D20 seasons and I put them in the full moon. Yeah, you do try to help me out. Oh, yeah. See, that's so giving. Honestly, like she's doing so much for your dice that you're gonna use for D20 seasons and I put them in the full moon. Yeah, you do try to help me out. Oh, yeah. See, that's so giving. Honestly, like she's doing so much for your dice.

Let her take whatever she wants. I mean, I do, I do. This is not a problem that we have. Okay, so I am on Hugo's side to start this because like we've said- Hugo W, something you've never had, Murph. Sure, hey, I've had some tiny, I've had a couple tiny W's over the years.

But I would say Hugo's side, because if it is a shared dice pool, it should be a true shared dice pool. You shouldn't have to hold dice hostage to do hostage negotiations with, right? Either it's shared or it's not. On the other hand, I could see the wife's point because like, like we're saying here, I'm someone that doesn't give a shit about my dice. So Emily is like, those

pearl dice of yours are beautiful. I don't even know which one she's talking about because I probably lost them. And if I was really particular about my dice, but also didn't give a shit about them. And Emily had them all laid out perfectly and brought the perfect ones to each session or whatever and she was like you're treating your dice like shit I could give them a better life she does have a point she would have a valid point to steal my dice but I also she's right I don't think I've ever seen you with a dice in your hand and been like can I have that or or try to talk at it that's true yeah I think you have to just like lean fully into this.

I think that if you can't handle her at her golem, you don't deserve her at her smegle and you need to just start buying duplicates of all your dice. And honestly, lean into it, like buy little gifts for your wife and be like, oh no, did you want that one? Darn, but secretly you bought it for her the whole time. You gotta just like, you have found a love language.

You've like found a love language trap and now you can activate it. That's a nice way to look at it. You know a way to make her day. Which is great to have a cool die. And then she apparently doesn't want to buy it for herself. She wants to steal it. Yeah. And if you do that enough,

then some of the dice are going to start coming back to you eventually. Yeah. You have to buy new dice to then some of the dice are gonna start coming back to you. Eventually. Yeah, you have to buy new dice to get your old dice back. That's true. It did come back to you. You didn't have to trade them, yeah. I just feel like, but also like Hugo does deserve to get dice that they wanna use,

is the problem that I'm running into. Okay, so yeah. So what are we going to rule here? I think we have to rule against the troll wife as much as it hurts my heart. Usually I recuse myself with a troll wife, but I just feel so sad that you, that in order to get your old dice back

that have been stolen, you have to sacrifice your new one. But isn't this kind of, okay, so here's the thing though. Like who are we to get in the way of love? Because this to me feels like a flirtation, right? This feels like they've escalated it by bringing it to D&D court. And it's gonna be kind of like a funny thing, like, ha ha, I got all the crit justices

to say that you're wrong. I got the solution here. Do you? I got the solution. The solution is to introduce a third and that third is a bird. What the fuck? What?

I knew as soon as he raised his hand, as soon as he fucking raised his hand and started nodding, I knew he was gonna have, I knew his idea was fucked. I knew it was fucked. You need to introduce a third of bird. I know where you're headed.

Let me cut you off right there. So basically you like leave your window open and you try to like lure a crow in. Dangerous, dangerous for serial killers, but yeah. Yes. Yeah, I guess like, sorry, you still have like, you know, maybe like a camera set up or something like that.

But yeah, you leave your window open so that a crow can like hop in and then steal some of your wife's dice. So she gets kind of a sense of how it feels and you're like, dang, I guess that's what it's like. I watched Murph die inside as you were- What were you saying? I was gonna say that you have a really easy way.

If the two of you could get on the same page, you could just be like, when she wants one of your dice, easy, it's a dice, roll off. You each roll it. Whoever rolls higher for it, that's who the dice feels like rolling with that day. Yeah. Wow, so that or the bird thing, I guess.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause here's the thing. I think I don't wanna, I think I do. I wanna recuse myself cause I think this push pull is fun. Yeah.

I know. I think it's good for the relationship. I also love a troll wife, so I'm pretty endeared by this. But I think that maybe I'm ruling against a troll wife, so I'm pretty endeared by this, but I think that maybe I'm ruling against the troll wife, but the punishment is when you want one of your partner's dice, you have to be willing to be like,

all right, roll off and see if you rightfully win. In response to Emily as a troll wife, ruling against troll wife, I will rule in favor of the troll wife because I think it's about that. Because I can tell from the, as someone who likes to be razed and who likes to be trolled by the troll wife,

I'm reading into this submission. And I think Hugo likes being trolled by the troll wife to a certain extent. This is a case for you two to settle. So I'm gonna, me and Caldwell are recusing ourselves. I'm speaking for you, brother. Don't speak for me. Yeah.

You're a recuse man. Jess is her wits. Are you setting new precedent here? I think the bird thing recuses him. The bird thing was a recusal. That was absolutely recusal. I think that's recusable, yeah. I think he got himself out.

You don't deserve me, honestly. Yeah. If you can't handle Yeah, I think he got himself out. You don't deserve me, honestly. Yeah. If you can't handle me behind my golem, you don't deserve me on my speed goal. That's fine. Thank you. Yeah. Neither of them were particularly good.

Jake, let me buy you a drink, man. Come on, let's go. So I like this idea of solving this with roll offs. I think that keeps this fun troll energy back and forth, but allows the shared dice pool to become a thing. And then we also have a thing though, since there is a bit of a cat burglar thing going on. If the troll wife successfully steals it,

then Hugo can be like, okay, actually I want that dice back, rollof. Yeah. Okay. Okay. All right. So ordered, shall we move into church? Let's do it. Okay. Yes. Please. All right.

Let's drive our car into church. Oh my God, there's a lake in front of the chapel. Okay. Cars need to be baptized too, go on. Tobin writes to us, howdy to our Holy Dice Christ clergy, baby Jake included. Okay, a little too casual for church, but go on. I play a Murph Brace Yourself,

pigeon Eric Ockroker. Oh, okay, there we go. Of Ill-Matar and the Shattered Obelisk Campaign. No respect for the church, no respect for the game. Pigeons are my favorite, and I had been planning to play this character for a long time during the session zero. Our DM had no problem with my proposed character and seemed to trust me when I said Rue would be more inclined to walk as pigeons in real life spend a lot of time on the ground, pecking

around for food. Okay. And I can proudly say I have not betrayed that trust as Rue uses her flight for very short distances like scouting up a cliff or helping our gnome monk across a crevice in a cave. Before a session, I was joking with my sweetheart and other players that Pigeon's eyes, despite being on the sides of their head, like most prey creatures, actually can see in nearly 360 degrees.

This had me thinking that maybe my character should have a boost to her passive perception since sneaking up on pigeons in the wild is damn near impossible. I brought it up to my DM before we got started and he said, sure, I can add a plus one to my pigeon-era cocker's passive perception. And I have to say, I do not regret that instance

of bringing animal facts into D&D for a second, but I ask have I a self-proclaimed columbidologist, I actually don't know what that means, sinned for bringing animal facts into the game to get a plus one to my character's passive perception? I await penance as you see fit. Yes, you have. I do think it's funny to start this and be like, I just want to say I have no regret about this, should I? Is this a case or is this, yeah, this is more a case.

It's a confession, but I don't get a sort of self-flagellatory note from it. This is a confession like when someone is in court and like gleefully details their murder or something like that. Cause they're just down to go to jail. I know I shouldn't have done it, but it all worked out. Yeah.

How do you feel about this, Murph? I think I feel like Aarakocras already get to fly and you already get your stuff. So you don't get to bring more things to the table. More animal facts into it. Yeah. Okay. So do you have any penance to suggest? Yeah, give back your plus one reception.

Whoa. And, Eric Cocker is also, their eyes aren't to the side like prey animals either. Like, I don't know. But I guess, okay, so the point is that, pigeons I guess can see 360, but fucking whatever. I don't know. You already, your characters are already fucking bullshit.

Like it's late to bring this to the game. If your DM's cool with it, then like, I guess whatever. I think, you know what, honestly, I don't think it's going to come up because a plus one to passive is pretty minimal. It's not that big a deal, yeah. Yeah, so I think this is pretty tame, but like this might be your DM's first encounter

with a lesson that they need to learn, which is that sometimes you give your players too many treats and then they whomp your ass. Yeah, it's also now anytime anyone asks that, they're just going to be like, well, I'm part fish, shouldn't I be able to completely breathe underwater no matter what and I can't drown and this happens and this happens.

And it's like, D&D and D has mechanics based on like, you're a pigeon, you're a reskinned Aarakocra. So you're not an actual like pigeon mechanically, you're an Aarakocra. So you don't get an actual perception. You already got a fly speed. You already got all your stuff. And then on top of that, I love the description of like,

I just use it for regular stuff, like a regular pigeon. You know how pigeons just mostly walk around and eat like seeds and shit? Well, what I do is I carry gnomes around and I climb mountains by flying over them. It's just like, yeah, you're just using all the mechanics. I do think that the only way this works is if there's also like a curse element

where like anytime you see a bagel, you just have to like peck at it for an hour minimum. Oh, okay, maybe that's the penance. It is hard to forgive you since you like borderline cheated within the rules of your game. Like you told your DM and you got okayed. I don't even know what you're asking for here.

I guess it's fine. Yeah, I think this is animal. So forgiving question mark. I mean, you're not asking for forgiveness. True. I'm not forgiving. I think you're incorrect. I think animal facts have no place in D&D.

I think if, Bullywugs wouldn't have teeth if we followed animal facts, and we all know Bullywugs have perfect teeth. They do have beautiful teeth. They have perfect smiles. Perhaps more appropriately, so ordered. Yeah, there we go. Okay.

I think so. And for fun, one more. One more in church while we're here. Double church. Well, we do need someone. We do need someone who's actually confessing, right? Well, we need someone who's actually confessing. Emily, the football game's on though.

We're gonna miss the football game. Look, I'm just a little pigeon. All I do is peck and eat crumbs and climb mountains with party members hanging onto me. I sneak ahead with my buffed up passive perception. Yeah. Okay, so to end on an actual confession, we've got Aaron G who says,

to the holy priests and priestess of the church, I have been forsaken by Dice Christ and fear the heavenly retribution will never end. I am new to D&D and I am a player in one campaign and a DM in another. During my third session as a DM, my third level bard player, Timothy, thought it would be wise to convince every enemy

they encountered for the entire session to meet them at the same place so he could throw them a concert. After back to back Nat 20s, Tim had convinced five bandits, three thugs, and one acolyte to congregate in the bandit captain's fort. My players then threw a single alchemist fire into the room with them.

I asked if they had locked the door, to which they replied, no. During the ensuing fight, every player and friendly NPC was downed except for Tim. I had rolled 8 Nat 20s, 4 of which were in a row, and instead changed them to 12-14s to give them some kind of a chance. The PCs were barely able to survive the encounter. I did not feel bad about my decision to not have a TPK on my third session as a DM and

my player's third session ever, however, cuts my other campaign where I play a paladin. Over the past two sessions, typically four-ish hours long, I have not rolled above a ten even with advantage. I have yet to land a hit or pass an ability check. I prostrate myself before the church and before Dice Christ. What must I do for penance? Must I kill my players? I humbly await your judgment. Wow.

Now that's a confession. Now that's a confession. That is also someone down and out pleading. Pleading with Dice Christ. Pleading. There's a lot of supplication there, which I like. Yeah, which is how we love this. Saying I have yet to land a hit or pass an ability check for two sessions.

That's eight hours. That sucks. Yeah. ability check for two sessions, that's eight hours. That sucks. Yeah, that's rough. Yeah, that's tough. I will say, yeah, I think as a DM, I think if you are gonna fudge roles, it is with brand new players and it's just stopping yourself from critting.

Cause like, a bandit, like two bandits critting on a wizard is a death. And you might be like, maybe the best way to get, you know, this person into D&D isn't to kill them in the first encounter. So I think that level of fudging is fine. I think you stop, you know, you ideally never have to fudge, but if you're ever going to fudge, that is the time to do it.

And then you stop once people know how to play. So I don't think your instinct was wrong there. Yeah, I don't think you did anything wrong. No. But I will say, I will say you're, you could get better as a DM of doing, are you sure, given looks?

Like sometimes you've gotta do the little like, you gotta do the little like hint, hint. If you're doing this plan, are you sure this is how you wanna do it? If there's like, although you did ask, did you lock the door? Which is a very fair thing. You were being very fair to them. You were like, they didn't explicitly say this,

but I'm gonna give them the alley-oop for their trick to work. Is it possible that Dice Christ was bloodthirsty and you didn't feed? Oh, interesting. Don't talk about that much, but yes, there is a sacrifice required. How absolutely bloodthirsty Dice Christ is. You have to sacrifice your players to Dice Christ. Yeah.

In a while. Yeah. And the fresher the player, the more tasty they are to Dice Christ. Yeah. I think that when they specifically didn't lock the door, I think that did give you carte blanche to just go nuts. But I also understand that you kind of pulling back

a little bit. So I think right now, I think you're gonna go through some rough times for a little bit. I think your paladin is gonna suffer for a little bit, but I do think the rolls will come back. Yeah, and when in doubt, put your dice and pickle juice under a full moon. Yeah, and you know, when in doubt, put your dice and pickle juice under a full moon. Yeah, there you go.

Pickle your dice and you'll be good. So forgiven. So forgiven. So forgiven. Deeply forgiven. With that, let's go ahead and wrap this one up. We'll have more cases, bonus cases, over on our Patreon, patreon.com slash nadpods.

Come on over. N-A-V-E-D-P-O-D, don't sing yet, don't do it, don't even try. I will freak the fuck out. Does anyone have anything they'd like to plug? I actually do, Dimension 20's got a bunch of live shows, soonest of which is on June 1st, we will be at Hollywood Bowl,

so check out Dimension 20 at Hollywood Bowl. We've also got, over the summer, we're gonna be at Climate Pledge Arena in Seattle, and we're gonna be in Las Vegas in November. So search for Tension20 Live and check that out. All right. Oh, speaking of live shows, I'll plug again this little thing I'm doing with Matt Mercer and Freddie Wong.

We're doing a Creator Karaoke competition. It's going to be very fun on April 4th at the Vermont in Hollywood. We're going to be singing songs with everyone, and it's going to be very fun on April 4th at the Vermont in Hollywood. We're gonna be singing songs with everyone and it's gonna be a fun little competition. It's gonna be definitely embarrassing on my part, but I think it's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be super weird.

So please come out and check it out. Do you know what song you're singing? I guess don't tease me yet, but just if you have recommendations for what song. James Blunt's, You're Beautiful. Yeah, I think James Blunt. I'm gonna do that. For sure.

I actually, I feel like New Metal really kills. But maybe it's just the crew that I do it with. But like, you know, that's the tough thing. I know. You're kind of like, oh, and Evanescence? Oh, Evanescence will kill. That's strong, dude. Yeah.

Oh, and then you turn the mic out to the crowd for the Wake Me Up. Wake Me Up, yeah. Yeah. That might be it. We might have just figured it out. We might have just figured it out. We might have just figured it out. Come watch me just absolutely crush it with some new metal early 2000s rock jams at karaoke.

So be on the lookout for that. In the meantime, you can follow us on social media that we're may or may not use at CS First Me. I call this Caldwell at Extra Demoline at Jake Oates' Jake. And you can talk about the show online using hashtag NADpod. That's N-E-D-D-P-O-D. We are, we are the youth of the nation. We are, we are the youth of the nation.

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Princess Yar. Jory S. Jack L. Nicholas C. Star of every film ever made in Bohemia. Mike H. Alka Smelter Plus. Great Value Gemma.

Tyler F. Herodrian. Carboro Chapel Hill FPV Cici Lulu Ol Cobbs Dunkle Olderburn Hercuil Poirot the rabbit folk detective Timmy R. Reiko Calder Comes Cold Shout out to the cold come come companions Frosty Facial Taylor B. Maybe the real treasure was the friends we made along the way. Cass Strong Grinch. Steven, shout out to Bui the Troll C.

Mike K. Nick W. William W. Big Bad Beard-O-The-Mad. Ananarama. Percival, Frederick Stein, Von Musso, Klosowski, De Rolo III. J. Dragonborn, Guardian of the Vibe, Honoring the Cock. Manet's Hegemony. Ben A, Dave H, Not That Nick, Danny F, Hawkeye Pierce, Bookfars Assistant, ICF, Big Bad John, DPC is Awesome, Hashtag Honor the Cock, Sean, The Shade Tree Mechanic of Zelbaldar, Summer Rose, aka Grand Tare, Mark, The Dark Lord's Taint, Kat C, Misa of House and Zunza,

Ariel the Occasional Mermaid, Selena N aka Valay Sea Raptor, B. Perky Always, Pat L, Maxwell J, Lauren H, Serv 16, Annie the Feywild Therapist, Connor S, Saleel, Bioquart 7, Amber Dextrous, Bein Rat Was Innocent, Trub Hopdropper, Jack H, King of the Mole People Under Iron Deep, Dressed in Blue and Fighting His Way Through a Bracket-Style Tournament, Valen, Podge, the Bitchin' Bunny Bard, Carlin C, Noah the Bullywug Boy, Hashtag Honor the Cock, James G, Everything Bago the Aladrin who just wants to hang out with his pet badger Stripey, Reverend Chatterbones, Han, Eric B, Marcos, Learns the Balance Druid, Frida M, Maggie, Holly the Green Laughing Hyena,

Cal misses the D5s with all her heart, Aaron B, Russell H, a monk named Dilgo, yes the whole thing, yes every time, Cody C, Lorelai the succubi and Kyra the succulent snack, McKenna Stout, your friendly neighborhood yawn and yunkle Andrew and Sid, John Adams, we can be done with the presidential puns, Meg the mail carrier of Bohemia, James F, Austin S, Wayfarer now has to do something with the trolls get rid of them turn

To page 42 keep them turned to page 69 Shane C Barpo good barrel bard barian Garrett G one big curd Renee the monster captain Olivia the enchanting bard and Jared the soap opera cleric who will be auditioning for Kali's acting troupe. Blue Ash, Fico, Garrett the Artificer, Damon, son of that one merchant named John, Valkyrie, the Gert T. Brother, Anthony, the Raddest of Dudes, Jay, the Fairies have amended all

their ways and are volunteering at their local petting zoo, yeet. Cantrip Dumbledore, the bear onesie wearing barbarian. Lexi loves the two crew. Thank you Lexi. Roger L. NoDrog, the pass a fist barbarian. Gino T. Gianluca. Tristan the talentless hunk. Leon K. legendary hero of Bohemia from a future campaign. Shenanigans O'Connor, Mios the Great, Joshua S, Linz W, Johnny Dude K, Pavu Eskenar, the Goliath Paladin providing service with a smile. Tim M, TR, MLG Cheeto, Shell B, Kenna's first favorite sprite girl writing a non-sexual sonnet about nature for the Order of the oak and ore, it's not going well.

Snailus who's infecting Worchester from within. Walter, the wetlands wizard wrought with wonderlust. Pawpaw Skydays, Mee-Maw Skydays, Megan N. Anthony B. Savannah H. Balnor's best friend Steve. Stephanie of House and Zoonza. Benjamin A. Gimli the Corgi, Papa and Foster's canine friend, Mikael A, Josh H, pilot of the Nightmareverse flight, the two crew blew through, Jennery, Ethan the mailman, Maple the shy bookworm, Ashasaurus, Seth

E, Billy Batson, Tory the tungsten dragoose, accidental sharer of recipes, Michael L.S. the second, Carl B. Plummer of the realm, Dex Riddlewell, Hannah A., Raw, Ace Dregs, High Lord of Critsburg, Darius D., the guy from that one thing, Vin Diagram, Catamilius the consumed, A-Gun, Banjo Boy of the flatlands with two working kidneys Bard of holding Clinton P Grinch full cam the Grinch frog man Dean Jake W says hi mom Tuesday cross the choose your own adventure writer not the porn star Steve L

Tyler Mcm Alex G Zibbitt a backery Nicole Kaylee of the order of the Oak and Ore, Lady Jacqueline P of Castle Whitestone, Greg W wants the D20 truck nuts Jake thought up, Baruch Thunderhelm, fifth generation Minotaur working as an abandoned labyrinth tour guide, Literally Satan, Chupac Aubrey, Boney is Dead, Cohen P, the Duke of Silks missing son, the water worth Nick and finally Amy. Thank you all so much for listening.

Thank you to all of our Patreon subscribers and all of our benevolent council of elders will be over on our Patreon, patreon.com slash nad pod talking about the show. In the meantime, we'll catch you all next time.