Not Another D&D Podcast - Ep. 33: Dangerous Knowledge (On the Road Again with Nathan Yaffe)

Episode Date: September 27, 2018

After escaping Smuggler's Bounty, the Band of Boobs receive an urgent message from their old friend Tonathan and leap into action! Moonshine discovers her primal side, Beverly's voice changes, and Hardwon learns a horrifying truth about his ex. Nathan Yaffe joins us once again as Tonathan Tinkle! Support us at Patreon.com/Naddpod to get access to the after-show and a bunch of other Naddpod content!Music / Sound Effects Include:"Woodpecker and Other Birds" by Kyster at Freesound.org."Crackling Fire" by sagetyrtle at Freesound.org."Tonathan's Tinkle" by Emily Axford. "Uku's Gift" by Emily Axford. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to the podcast, so be sure to use the code PAPA to get your discount 100% free shipping and get it fast with brush processing. Code P-A-W-P-A-W. Goodbye, Sweeties. Welcome to the campaign after the campaign. This is not another D&D podcast. Welcome back to Bahumia, everyone. Oh, my God.

Yeah. I'm your dungeon master, Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Herwitz. Hard one, sure, foot. Emily Axford. Moonchan Sabin. Fundamentally fungal. So name a lab, Bahumia sitcom. And called Waltanner.

Beverly Togalt the Fifth. I like divine smites, doing what's right, and big pearly whites. Let's do this. We're good. Yay. And we are joined by a returning guest, Nathan Yafi. Vine smites, doing what's right, and big pearly whites. Let's do this. Okay. And we are joined by a returning guest, Nathan Yaffy. Hi.

Oh, I thank you. Mr. Tinkle himself. You guys, yeah. You guys gave me shit last time. I asked if I could say my character's name, but you know my character now. Jonathan Tinkle. Oh, we know it, we love it.

Welcome back. The gnome's with the mobs. Oh. So Jonathan ises with the mobs. So, Jonathan is not with you guys right now, let's do a little recap and then we'll get to him. So, last time you guys pilfered some treasure from pirate captain Jeremiah Snot, aboard his ship, then found a note from a mysterious man named Akarat who was trying to buy off-guard from the pirates.

You spied Akarat's man trying to board the ship, so you snuck aboard your airship and escaped smugglers bay by taking off into the ocean. You were then chased by these strange dark paladins riding nightmares, but you soundly defeated them, mostly because moonshine used Polymorph to turn at the most powerful dudes hell-styleian into a dolphin sending him crashing out of the sky sea-world style yeah sea-world style yeah I would never do that I would never go to sea-world I would kill it often but I wouldn't go to sea-world I know that's what we're doing this episode Nathan we need to talk we have a whole story plan Hey guys we're at this episode brought to you by SeaWorld

All the whales are super happy hey y'all this moonshot's happened just want to apologize for what I said about SeaWorld Hey y'all this moon chat's happened. Just want to apologize for what I said about the sea world Anyways, you got promo code. We love to kill the office So you guys also killed you guys also killed wordy promo code You also killed yarn the one lowly pirate who survived the initial encounter But then who tried to steal your bag of holding she guys have just escaped smugglers bounty on your airship You flown off into the air you've made off with a great deal of money and treasure you head To just east of the creek and lower your airship to drop off your friend apple scrumper at the field

So long apple not gonna do the accent. Fairly well. Oh wow, she's an epic. Yeah. She's an epic. She's an epic party worth for us, Apple. Actually, real quick, sign my jersey one more time. She just, I'm your biggest fan.

She, why at least, signs your jersey? And moonshine, she gives you the ring of defense that she got from the treasure chest and Snot's yacht. Oh, Mallorra, they say I never meet your heroes but they ain't met Apple scrumper. What did she say to that Apple? She just gives you a good thumbs up. Wow, so solemn. She looks real broken up about the fact that she has to leave you guys because you guys are such good friends. Let's got your go to Apple, you can talk to us. She just shakes her head and gives you guys all a hug.

Still a gazelle. She heads down. You see the Crick rot here, aka the field rot has been cured. The farmers are back to work, the animals look healthy. You guys say you're goodbyes. Apple rolls up on the other field elves with a big bag full of platinum and heads out to mum to show off her haul.

Y'all this is so beautiful they should make a sand globe of it. Maybe more like a dirt globe I guess. Yeah. It's just so cool she's walking back in there with 30 platinum for their... I'm glad that we were generous with her. I hope it's enough. I hope it's enough. I hope it's enough. Papa looks over the edge of her.

Rang, rang, rang, rang. Papa, what is up? You're racking about this girl. Rang, rang, rang. The rang greed does not look good on your ball. Rang, rang, rang, rang, rang. You should check his rack, and he's been scooting a little bit.

I check it. It's pink. It's fine. Healthy. Yeah. So suddenly, Beverly, you receive a message in your head from a familiar, nervous gnome. Hold on. Hold on, this normally, this happens a lot, but normally it's a guilty thought. This is a normal one. It's from Tonathon. Hi, it's Tonathon. Tonathon, hi. Chosen attacking, watchman secrets in danger. If you're still alive, say your location.

We'll come get you short, quick answer back. Tonathon wants to know where we are. Should I tell him? Scramper field, say scramper field. Scramper field. Near the creek. In a flash, there is a large naked man, suddenly in the middle of your airship, one knee down and head lowered.

He's this goliath with pale skin and brown and blue tribal markings, totally hairless, with a tattoo of a third eye in the middle of his head. It's you, Koo! He's Bob! Oh, Koo's back! How do you do, do? I got one of that Bob head. I'm on his shoulders. With him is your old friend, Tanaf and Tickle.

Jody! Tanaf and Tickle. Tanaf and Tickle. Tanaf and Tickle. Oh my gosh. You guys didn't get killed in the purge. I'm so happy to see you guys. You did, you did. Your beard is looking longer.

The last time I saw you guys, we were heading for Glateron and then some pretty bad stuff happened there. Yeah, it's been a trip. You know, I'm suddenly realizing we should have updated you. Well poor nervous little thing. I damned my mother to hell. Hey, because things are pretty bad right now. By the way hey nice to see you too. Oh cool. Yeah see ya. I mean we all just go around the circle. I killed my aunt. I held out hope because remember that that sample of Crick-Rot that I took.

Yeah. It disappeared and I knew you guys were trying to cure Crick-Rot So that was when she killed yeah, she killed her Oh, it was your aunt. Yeah, so it honestly it wasn't actually I'm bastard doesn't the story in a way that's unfavorable to her It was actually ill said the devil that makes you'll sense the hell Hey, Jonathan, buddy. You remember what's going on right? Sorry, right sorry. I'm just happy to see my friends who are not My friends who who only scoop and don't I was gonna say even though he's taller than me. Can I scoop him?

You can scoop him so as you scoop him. Let's do a quick Jonathan recap Because we're kind of picking up where we left off last we saw him. I'm trying to hard one our tossing Jonathan back and forth to each other. Yeah, can I say I misty stepped above Jonathan scooped him and then misty steps down? Yes. So last time you guys saw Jonathan the gnome, you joined him in a quest to find the watchman and all knowing being that lives atop a watch tower who will answer one question from anyone. You found the hidden village that contained the watch tower

and met the Goliath monks who guarded it, including the ambassador to the outside world, Uku. Uku informed you guys that the watchman was a former God who elected to stay on the material plane when the others left to create their own. The watchman is neutral and does not care who he speaks to, but Uku and the other monks make sure that no one with bad intentions gains the Watchmen's knowledge.

You guys passed Uku's trials and gained his trust, then met the Watchmen, a giant spectral head with dozens of eyes. You asked your questions, then Beverly tried to prank the god with a poison berry and was promptly thrown from the tower, nearly killing him, the band of boobs, left for a galator on, and Tonethin elected

to stay behind to study with Uku. So you see, Uku has a pack with him. He's nude but he has a gnome and a pack and he pulls out a large jug and he goes, oh, gang, we need time to discuss. So everyone drink this really quick and he pulls out little wooden cups and fills them from the jug. Don't have to ask me twice, I grabbed a jug. Sounds great.

Quickly hands them out. And as you guys kind of hold it up and sniff at it, you guys recognize this to be crick water. Oh. Oh, we were about to drink it. Yeah, got a shame. No, you have to. This is a, Jonathan, do you want to talk about it a little bit?

Okay, guys. So there's this crazy plane called the Elemental Chaos. It's really, I don't know if want to talk about it a little bit? Okay guys, so there's this crazy plane called the elemental chaos I don't know if you've heard about it I have this let's play him have this Split on the water on the fire daddy's okay. Yeah, you can do it I don't forget it. Go ahead. So yeah, elemental planes. That was cool. Yeah, yeah, um, yeah, Uku knows Has connections with people at the creek and-

I know the Mimaw. I don't want to brag. Yeah. I know the Mimaw. He's pretty cool. Wow, that's so cool. What a crazy. Anyway, guys, Tog's ticking and time pass is differently in the elemental chaos.

We'll have time to talk there because everybody's going gonna die if we don't immediately take care of this. You see, he just downs the enchanted quick water. It's exactly the same mixture that Mimaw had made for you guys. And you see, Uku takes it and he just passes out. Just this giant eight foot five dude just crashes to the ground in your airship. Well, he didn't come up with a safe word. I remember a safe word being pretty important

with the elemental chaos. Jonathan did, uh, who could tell you the safe word? Uh, it's Barry. Barry, okay, cool. All right. I just wrote in chug some. Dis-robed chug it all around.

I neatly fold my clothing. Uh, I remain in my boxers and then I pass the F out. All right, we're doing this gang, uh, Balnor takes some. Balnor's, I'm here too. Hey, why not, right? Get this gang, Balnor takes some. Balnor's on here too. Hey, why not, right? Get in here, Balor. I didn't get to come last time.

Jonathan, this is Beverly's third or fourth father. Oh, nice to meet, oh, he's already drank it. Okay, just ruling on the ground. So I'll say that you guys kind of pulled your airship down and kind of tucked it away. I guess in the woods, does that totally make sense? You found a clearing. You're fun.

I'm a great captain. Cool. Yeah, the field. You guys parked it in the field. So, you know, you can trust all field elves. They're not going to steal from you. I've never done that before. We put some coins in the meter.

Okay, so you guys pass out and you guys come to and you're back in the elemental chaos. You see that there's a storm raging, the ground shakes with earth tremors. You see in the distance and explosion from a volcano and in the other direction, a tsunami-sized wave crashing in the ocean and Ugu shouts over the sound of the rain. You go, we'll find a cave, then we'll talk.

Sounds good, you need the way. We don't know where we're going. Cool. This is so much better than just meeting someone at a coffee shop. That's pretty neat right? Yeah. Yeah. So you guys head over near the mountains. You watch Uku walk over to a crevass and he kind of peaks inside and you see he wedges his hands in and with a mighty pole just this giant fucking goliath. Yanks a giant boulder and pulls it aside, revealing

a little cave. This is cute. Ooh. You're like this, do you guys think this one's good or should we find a better one? I love this cave. I start decorating. Oh, okay. I'm moving in.

I'm moving in, gang. We have to cow hide. Yeah, I lay on my cow hide. I've got some leaves that I'm wallpapering with. It's more of a grotto than that. I'm just prestiged agitationing on them, like making different patterns and stuff. This is really tying the room together. This looks real great, gang. I think you sort of like a pastel color. I love it, Jonathan.

Yeah, Jonathan, I'm in your talents. So, Uku helps you guys make a little fire and you guys have a nice little cozy cave going here and Uku kind of sits down So now we we have some time to speak because a full day here only be like a few minutes in in the real world Anyway, the village is currently under attack The chosen are about to get there. Oh, we had some of our scouts in the Galatoron glades Saw them coming or about to get there. Oh, we had some of our scouts in the Glateron glades. They are chosen. Those bows as again. Yeah, so last week I turned away a few chosen nights who wanted to take the trials and speak to the Watchmen and this morning they returned with greater numbers. I commend that choice though I do.

Yeah, I mean they're they're bad guys. I didn't trust them. They did not have a sense of humor about the berries. They weren't keeping it light? No. Yeah, some corn cob named Brother Albrecht and some other guys. I don't know if you've heard of them. Oh yeah. Oh he's a legendary corn cob.

We panced that guy. Yeah, I think we also. He had like a real shabby robe there Yeah, like maybe his ass had been patched up pop up it is ass. Oh, that's that's for some We also are pretty hilarious. I love pranks Honestly, if things weren't so dire I would have pretended to give you guys the creek water Gave you something that would have made you barf like berry juice or something That would have been real fun. We had talked about that as a possibility,

but yeah, while we were waiting for you guys to respond, we real quick planned like a prank, but decided inappropriate. Glad you still got that sense of you. No, no, no, no, okay. Thanks, guys. So yeah, they've returned with greater numbers. They've got an airship, and it seems like they're going to attempt to take the watch tower by force How many of them are there? There's like a small army like a few dozen certainly enough to take the tower currently so I suggest We kill the watchman Okay I'm sorry

Malorum is understands you another prank here. I imagine this is not no misunderstands you. Another prank here, I imagine. This is not, no, it's not a prank. Sorry, Tarnath, then I couldn't tell you because the watchman can see everything in the other plane. Another reason that- Yeah, I didn't know that was part of the- No, I told Tarnath in that we just needed to come to the elemental chaos so that we could plot,

but really we're plotting against the watchman. Oh, is this sort of a thing that it's like in these dry-in-times, it's too powerful and it could get into the wrong hands Like the watchman is too powerful. That is exactly what it is with the I don't know how that sits on my conscience. Well the look the watchman is not a good guy He's a nothing guy. He will give his information to anyone. You don't have to help if you don't want But I'm going to try to kill him. I suppose that being impartial can be considered a sin in some regards, but death is the ultimate prank,

and I'm not sure I feel about that. He's not going to leave on his own. He's two cockies. Not going to listen to us. Our job as monks of the unseen eye is not to protect the watchman. It's to protect the realm from the knowledge of the watchman. Here I was decorating for a party, but you gave me a wake. Yeah. This cave all of a sudden feels pretty cold even though it's so fucking cozy. It is quite cozy.

Here's the good news. We can, you know, I can only do that teleport trick once a day. So we got a little time. We can just kind of hang. So if anyone has any moral problems, let's go ahead and talk it out here gang. Yeah, I'm actually down to talk it out. Okay. I like to wait in that wall. Yeah. Yeah. Harlan, what do you think? What do you think? We just killed a chosen. I hate those guys. I don't have any beef with. Okay, so this is one bunch of angry guys went back to

Galatoron and sent a little battalion to come attack. You think theala and the entire Galator on army isn't someday going to take the tower back. I see his point. If you got a problem with ants, you can't just kill the ants that are coming after your loaf of bread. You got to throw out the bread. Yeah, don't put a bandaid on an anhyl. That'll just make a mad. And then they'll, you know, I guess they'll probably take off the bandaid and then they'll bite you and then you'll need band-aid Yeah, how do I you know heard that before don't put a band-aid on a man hill wait too many analogies flying out But I don't know who you got all that. Oh, yeah, what if we just go kill the y'all

What do you think you feel about killing this watch man uh... i guess ucoe i understand why you you couldn't tell me if you thought about killing him doesn't can't the watchman see that no no no he physics he like he just basically sees people okay okay cool so he can think i i'm sorry uh... the trip to the elemental that quick water really rattled my Yeah, see sort of a pervert. Is he like a little bit of a peeping top? I think we've established that he has seen everyone nude

That's not naked the same way as has he seen me cry? Oh, yes, he's seen everything. Hmm. He has seen everything now we could be on the material plane and be speaking in our heads, but he's a pretty smart guy. He might gather that we were plotting against him. So we can't read our minds. He can't read your minds, no. But he can see a bunch of people not talking to each other, standing near his tower or in his woods, etc., etc., etc.

No, what's your strategy here? Because the last time we tried to inconvenience him, even slightly, he threw us out of a tower. Nice view, so we, Bev. Yeah. We had nothing to do with it. I don't really remember how it went down. So first off, we're not gonna get thrown out of the tower.

If that's just a thing that we're not gonna do, you see he pulls from his pack. Grab him, he looks. He's got these, no, I can do you one better. He's got these little vials of like a white potion and he goes, these are potions of featherfall. So if you're thrown from the tower, then you'll fall at a rate of 60 feet per round.

Looks like milk. That's medicaming a little bit, but you know what I mean, you'll fall slowly, got it. Does it taste like milk that's medicaming a little bit, but you know what I mean you'll fall slowly Does it taste like milk? Yes. Oh boy. Yes, it's feather milk. Okay, Ouku I'm just gonna say first off you being a rib to naked dude hairless covered in tattoos Yeah, I'm I'm likely to do what you want but to do what you want. But I'm gonna need you to perhaps expound upon why the watchman is such an unsavory character so as to motivate me to. He's not an

unsavory character. He is a completely neutral entity who does not care who he helps. Oh he's a centrist. Yes, except a... I'll murder a fucking centrist. All right, centrist say no more. Well, it's more like if there was a an all-powerful magical item that some bad folks were trying to get their hands on, you'd want to destroy that, uh, it's a ring from Lord of the Rings. A book that I heard about. Oh, Papa read that to me. I am.

All the mose. I've got, I've been reading the bracelet chronicles, uh, graphics scrolls. It's, uh, you know, there's some pretty powerful bracelets in there that need to be destroyed. Absolutely. Let's say best case scenario that shows in just eventually kill all of the galaeaths and ask the watchman a question. They can ask where Ulfgar is, they could ask where somebody who has made them angry is, they could find all of their enemies each of them just asking questions. Each one gets a question, yeah.

The other potential problem is that the Allah is likely more powerful than the watchman, because the watchman gave up a lot of his powers to stay on the mortal plane. He's not a fighter. His power is mostly that he can use his eyes in all directions. Don't get me wrong, it will be very hard to kill him, and we very well might die, I don't know, but I don't think he's as strong as the Allah so there is the potential for the Allah to Entrap him in some way and just have an all-seeing eye I have asked him to move in the past

Our secret is out the legendary heroes of Gar Alanaus the, came and asked him a question a long time ago. So he has been given the opportunity to do the right thing and with the hold his services, but he is electing to stay precisely where he is. Correct. He's not going to move. Has he been threatened? I don't... Why do you think you'll be able to intimidate a god? Well, if we have to kill him, he's not gonna...

Oh, yeah. Hard one's axe to his tank. He's got a lot of eyes. You can stick stuff in. Yeah, with all those eyes, does he have a tank? You can try to talk. I'm saying the reason I'm bringing you all here, while there is an attack on the watch tower is we take our one brief moment to kill a half god also I'll be on your team and I'm like kind of a demigod. I'm like, yeah, you're pretty good. I'm pretty good. I'm really good. I'm getting it. I'm like, I'm like 3,000 years old. I've been around. We sparred before and you always kick my ass. Oh, I love being that. You're really good. You're really good. You know what if the two y'all

Will spar in front of me tonight for like a little show. I'll go kill your watch man I Think if we get the watchman almost dead We offer we offer him one more chance to move. Okay. That seems fair. Okay, if it was a real powerful sword that we needed to melt down, I would do that. If it was a ring I needed to throw into a volcano, no problem. But this is sort of, it just feels like I'm killing a guy. Yeah, kind of. It's giving me pause. How about, how about we all just sleep on it? Oh yeah. See if we have any sort of, of thought in the night or whatever. Any night guilt?

See if a dream comes. See if a dream comes. I'll be trance into Melora. Sure, sure. And we'll see. So what about the taint though? Does he have one or not? Oh yeah.

He does not have a taint. He's just a giant head with a bunch of eyeballs on his mouth. So he doesn't have to do poopies. He does not. Interesting. He does not poop. All right. He has seen you all poop though. Fair enough.

I'll say you know as hard as that. I go deep into the woods. Hard one's very shy about it. It's true. I've never seen you poop hard one. Enough. I always know he's pooping because I hear him singing real loud. Yeah.

I mean, you just do it in the middle of the campsite, which I've asked you not to. I'm doing it right now. Oh gosh, yeah. I feel like the smell travels with me. You guys always know, no matter how hard I wipe. What do you think of me doing, Belnor? Oh, yeah.

You know, ever all of the things you guys do is terrifying to me. How are you feeling, Tonathon? I mean, I understand. I've been with you guys. I've been studying. I understand that the purpose of the watchtower is to protect the world from the power of the watchman.

And yeah, he's a stubborn guy. Like I said, I think, Uku, I trust you. You've been very good to me. You've helped me grow as a wizard and as a person. And if you think this is the correct course of action, then like I said, I think it might just be that he needs to remember that he's not all powerful, and if we weaken him and offer him one more chance and he still refuses, then yeah, I think these are dire times. Perhaps the true character will come out if we weaken him to the point and we and we offer him one more chance

Perhaps we'll see a glimpse of who we really is true Maybe we'll just have to kill him and we'll look through his computer and just hope we find kitty porn You know and just feel validated. It's true though if we need to protect the realm from the power of the watchman and we can't do it anymore unless We've got to get a little gray. I don't think that the monks are going to survive much longer in the later enclaves. We do not have enough people to hold off the chosen forever. All right. So I think that even with this current plan of action, we're gonna suffer heavy losses. And, you know, I think our watch is over.

No, the world deserves you big, beautiful statue man. I know, where are y'all gonna go? You know, I recommend a specific stump in the creek. I don't totally know that this is gonna work, so I'm not gonna make plans for the future. Fair. I'm not saying this is like a done deal gang We should live it up while we can let's have a good night y'all we are just I mean we do a lot of murder

But we also deal with a lot of moral quandaries You reflect yeah, we keep this work very wet I mean I've I've seen you guys when against all odds i don't i don't know if i ever told you this but but i i saw you guys in moonstone i i was i was traveling to moonstone to to to try and you know i was following up on on rumours of fan theories about uh... the dragon

and and the possibility i mean in in my scrolls, all of the clues point to the dragon having had an egg, and I wanted to check that out, but when I arrived I was having Barnaby scout out ahead, and it seemed like there was just a shit show happening there, and just 3 idiots up against an entire army of barbarians, and then what do I find? But you guys are still I've scooped me up as I entire army of barbarians. And then what do I find? But you guys are still, I have scooping me up as I'm giving us three weeks later. Yeah, it's true. It seems like fate has led us to this moment.

And I figured we'd have to kill a demigod at some point and the ultimate goof. I guess I just hoped it would be more obvious. You know, I hope to be like a more obvious bad guy. I get what you're saying here, Ugu. I just like, I wish it was more black and white in less gray. The world's gray.

All right, well, with that, I go into a trance. Oh, good night. Ha, ha, ha. Are we winding down for the evening? Would you guys all like to go to sleep? Yeah, but why don't you guys wrestle just one last time? Just when I come out of my trance. Shake good, gentlemen.

All right, go ahead and do a strength check against against who to. No, we do, we do sparring. You fight me and I cast spells. That's how we spar. They said they wanted us to wrestle. All right, well, first time casting, Murie, Mitch on myself.

So it's four of me. Oh, Mallora, this little one is too cute. Hard one is having really rough night, but I crack a smile. When there's four Donovan's, I wanna chase a couple of them. Yeah, I wanna chase a couple of them. Get a scoop of them all. Yeah, we can scoop them all, though, Josh. One for each of us.

It's just like a mocton, it's like scooped a ton. What? I just start misty stepping around, so they all mist misty step because they do the same thing as me So it's everybody everybody roll Dex to see who grabs Jonathan first you scoop some first Really wanted that me too. I only got a 10. Yeah, I got a six. Oh, oh, I got a nice But Bound or get Bound or got a seven but Uku got a 19 He's he's he's he's he's me many times. Yeah, it's a practice hand

We might all die tomorrow gang. Well, that was that was an oh bit of liberty Just enough I'd say but if if you don't want a part of it It's certainly not your fight. You're just the last Besides the legendary heroes and in quite some time you're the only honorable people who've come and taken the trials I'm gonna defer to my compatriots because I trust y'all. I'll follow y'all to the grave is cord's not close to this plane is he? Cord is on his own plane. All right never mind They're gonna ask my god court like a sweet win a bigo out in the cosmos

you should pray to him though yeah you can do a religion check if you want uh... yeah i'll pray to pray to court for the first time oh all all guidance you so you can add a d4 to that oh wow all right i'm in it can i tweak my nipple so he can add like uh... can i tweak my nipple to my zealots trans so he can like add? Yeah, I do a little hand-burning

Roll a d20 oh out oh wow At your d4 six six ah six You not a very religious man You look out into this insane storm-filled sky, and you think you're getting a sign. You see all this lightning and wind, and it's stormy, dude.

That's gotta be some kind of sign. I've never looked to you before, Cord. I cracked the boulder on the cave, filled the red on my face But if I should kill this god give me a sign just a furious like you're just getting rained on so hard You can barely hear yourself talk. You're just completely silent bow noirs out with you. What are you taking a shit? I got a shit. Do you want to take turns? Cord is spoken to me

I gotta shit. Do you wanna take turns? Court is spoken to me. Ha ha ha. Huh, what do you say? We must kill the watchman. They're taking a dump. All right, if court wills it, let it be. I'm fully in now.

Stop, no, I didn't mean for you to take a dump, Moonshine. Ha ha ha. This is the first dump all of us can take that the watchman won't see. Yeah. She should really enjoy it. Oh, you're right. I go to a foreign part of the cave I'm like the opposite of P shy I'm like if it's just me by myself I can't do it well you got you got

pop up I dig a green team I need a lot of people around her team I dig a green teen approved latrine a nice a green teen latrine Well of cord wills it. I'm ready to do it. Courts will be done Courts will be done before we do go to sleep. I want to pull ton of thme side if possible Hey, Jonathan. Hey, Bev. It's great to see you again. My gosh. It's it's really great to see you. I I knew you I knew you guys were gonna be okay. you. I knew you guys were gonna be okay. I didn't know you guys were gonna be okay. I'm so happy you guys are okay. Yeah, it was really touching go for a bit,

especially when I touched the ground really hard. I'm really getting a strong aura out of you, like a real strong sense of your magical abilities. Thanks, yeah, I've been practicing. It's crazy what you can learn, you know, not cooped up in the bubble. Yeah. It seems like your time with Uku and the rest of the Goliaths has really helped you out. Yeah, I mean, when they play Try and Scoop Toth and it really helps me hone my spells, my defensive spells.

Do you think I really want to do better at helping my friends? And it seems like that's kind of the thing that you're best at. Wow. That's really noble of the thing that you're best at. Wow. That's really noble of you. Do you think you could teach me some magic? Oh. Ooh.

I could try. I've got just sort of like my bag. Yeah, if you need spare skulls. My bag that I have just full of books, and I'm like flipping through them. And I think Toneth and I stay up way too late. I may. I think honestly, Beverly, what I think, Jonathan and I stay up way too late. I think honestly, Beverly, what I recall, you have a beautiful singing voice and I don't

know, a lot of the spells that I know come from years of intensive study and that sounds tough. You've got a pure spirit and a beautiful voice. I think you might be better off, better served trying to channel that into magic. I'm not a bard myself, but I have some intro bard books because I'm interested in all fields of magic. Oh!

The next time you sing, try and tap into the raw magical power of your voice and see what you can do. I will do that! And I'll take this moment to let everyone know that I'm going to be taking a feat instead of my new level. Or instead of your ability to increase. The band of boobs are level 8. I forgot to mention that at the top of the show. I'm gonna be learning the magic initiate feat

and I'm gonna gain some Bard's Bells. Sweet. So I'm gonna take you to a little boy. Oh, I'm gonna take you to a little boy. I can't wait to wish everyone a good morning with my beautiful voice. Ha, ha, ha. And with that, I guess we go to bed.

I transcend, you know what, instead of, instead of besieging Malora, whether or not we should do it, I feel like she's the kind of goddess who's like a little bit hands off. So I'm just gonna tell her we're gonna do it. And I'm saying that I'm doing it in the interest of maintaining what is good, rather than killing what is evil.

Go ahead and give like an insight check or a religion check. Both of those are gonna be plus zero, so 16. 16. You can just kind of rationalize the way that the religion of Melora works is she is very hands off. The Watchmen is the opposite of that. So even though they're both kind of neutral-ish gods, the Watchmen is there just indiscriminately affecting the world around him.

You know what I mean? It's only the monks who siphon it through. So in a way, he's kind of the opposite of Melora, even though their alignment is very similar if that makes sense. Alright, I got a kiss on Lunchieg from Coral, and I'm ready to do this. As I'm passing out, I do like a quick... You cool with this, Pelora? Polo... You're doing a religion check. Are we good on this, bud?

Just a quick yes, no, it's fine. We spent a lot of time praying. Ooh, that's a eight. An eight, yeah. Okay. You close your eyes to go to bed for the night and all you have a dream of a big buff Santa Claus like in a living room, just being like, oh boy, oh this is a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot.

So yes, no, what are we thinking? You can't speak to him, that's all you get with the day. Oh boy, well if we're all praying to our deities, I do have one cleric level, I can ask a rathus what they think. Oh yeah, I haven't done that. Jonathan what they think. I know. I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that.

I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that.

I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that.

I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that. I haven't done that. yourself why this plan totally makes sense. And I am naked. Oh sure. Yeah. The student you is naked and the other you is in a suit. Explain to you why it's totally logical. We'd save more people than this way. Yeah, that makes sense. OK, I like that. Yeah. You just have like a full on Spock dream.

Yeah. Gotcha. Yeah, his God is essentially Spock. That's cool. He's the Spock spot. That's cool. He's the spot the spot clock. Oh There's symbol is the clockwork, right? Yep. Oh cool better haircut. I imagine Then Spock What are you talking about? I know good

Sorry, you're right I know we're in a fantasy world, but Good morning. It's time to wake up. It's time to wake up. It's time for us all to drink from this cup. It's a cup full of orange juice. How do you hit that falsetto? Bad, that vibrato. I mean, I feel like it shakes my heart in a good way. I'm just trying to make sure everyone's feeling good and posy for the encounter ahead. Are you studying a book last night or something now? No, let you hit those notes.

I learned how to sing from a book, isn't that normal? As normal as everything else that goes on in this world, I feel stirred to great deeds. Ooh, that is me too. That's a good coffee slogan, isn't it? I write that down. Also, this isn't actually orange juice. It's a minor illusion! I was wondering why my mouth was so dry, and though I drank so much of it.

I got goofed. I have to be honest, that was good. Oh yes. All right, so, see what I want to do, another quick prayer before we head out? That's all, no. It's one prayer. We're gonna go kill a god, let's do it. You see,

and man, I think it's important to have, to make them moral wrestling, and then decisively decide what you're going to do and then you just go in without with an unclouded mind. Yep, we're ready to cross that river. So you see, Uku starts kind of drawn a circle in the dirt and he goes, so the watchman here is going to be at the top of the tower. He's got dozens of eyes in all directions.

I believe our best strategy is to launch an attack on both sides of him. I can attack from the front, the side with the mouth, so as to not have you all blown off the tower again, although we do have the feather fall, but that will be annoying for you guys to fall off. So the five of you can attack the eyes in the back, and I will attack the ones in the front, and together we might be enough to kill him. So as soon as we arrive we're in combat right? Yes. Alright, I reach into the bag a holdin' and I grab Rosalene.

Okay. Oh, strike true. Strike you. I am, oh yeah, and I get my, I get my portent roles before we do this. Okay. Hard one. I forgot to do this. I'll go ahead and give me a constitution saving throw.

Oh. Not 20. That's what I do. Yes! I was glad I am another day. This is a not 20. You now have not done arcane in a few days and you weren't like super, super addicted to it.

You were just starting to feel the effects of it. You wake up this morning and you feel pretty good for the first time in a few days. I told you guys I could quit whatever I wanted to. I did it myself as I'm taking a shit. You want to do a fight? Let's kill a guy. Can we be so strategic as to all plan what we're gonna do?

And then like arrive and we all fucking let loose something crazy. So here's what I'm gonna do for the watchman Since he is not a normal guy He is a god and is quasi-immun to being surprised But since you guys are plotting against him in the other plane and then straight up teleporting to where he is What I will do is I will let you guys roll stealth rolls as soon as you show up. Nice. I can't fast without trace. If you can, if you can beat his Perception, then you can get a surprise round in on him. Cool. And he won't get to do anything until Okay, let's go for it. Let's go for it. It's not that he doesn't see you. He's going to see you no matter what

Once you appear, it's a matter of does he see you and can do something before you attack, if that makes sense. Cool. Hey, Uku, before we head out, you got any more berries? Oh, I figured you guys might ask. I need those out and he gives a berry to each one of you guys. Woo!

Yeah, we got a bomb of berry. Let's hope we survive, right gang? Band of berries. I'm sure we'll be fine. Cool. All right. Oh wait, did we say berries? You said berries.

You guys wake up on the ship. Okay. All right. Okay, so now I reached for Rosalene. Let's go. Because it wasn't in the elements. Okay, so Moonshide, you're equipping yourself with a great sword? Yeah. So you can't do that as aonside, you're equipping yourself with a great sword? Yeah.

So you can't do that as a druid because you are not proficient with it. But I took a level of barbarian. I'm big. That's not my hero, Abel's grumper. It's all coming out. Oh boy, you guys learned this. You see this grump and you grow, you change.

I see you reaching for that broad sword and I think I get a sense. I'm good at detecting auras That's kind of my thing. I think I real quick use one of my rage for the days just to make it rage in my eyes and lock eyes Would be I see that we have a moment. We have a fucking mind meld. I walk over to you. I give you my tooth necklace Beautiful But I also take off my cow cow Because I am now unarmored. Oh day. Oh, yeah, I come up and I give you a door of in braid Oh, Lord, this is beautiful shit. And good. I'll give you a gift

Malady and you see a bouncer gives you a kiss on I face ball ball nor be ready to touch it. I literally go into a rage. Bound or you're going to be broke. Alright, alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't you see, Bound or you're the source of her rage? Is that beautiful, Bound

or? I love the cannon. That bridge I discovered her rage. I defend it. my defense. I know. I know. I could not get up with my people. It's true, but Balnor, you're like the flame to her gasoline. I need to meet each other. It also totally makes sense mechanically and everything

because Moon-chan does have this. She's not just a normal druid. She's fungal entities. So she's got this beast side to her. So yeah, if you guys would like, so you guys, reach the room. Winner,

Beverly asked for berries. You guys appear on the airship and you guys are back in the woods here near the field. We better teleport fast. Yeah. Let's get out of here. Let's do it. You gotta get going, right gang?

No, no, no, no, no. All right, anything you guys want to do beforehand? Fungal entity, any kind of prep spells or anything, do it right now. All of my ports are in the field. All of this is my portrait of the film. I'll bless you three. Oh nice. So I give it a saving throw.

It gives you a plus four. D-four for a minute or until I break concentration to attack rolls and saving throws. Awesome. All right, yeah, okay. I'm gonna send my head against D. Okay, moonshine turns into a fungal form and looks like a menacing beast holding Rosalene the great sword.

This is so cool. You guys look scary but you guys look really cool. Yeah, they have a glow up huh? Yeah, I look like Julian Michaels. I'm myself up. This episode of NAD pod has brought to you by Bird Dogs. They're a company that makes pants and shorts so no matter where you fall in the age old battle between the two, you can rest assured that Bird Dogs has you covered. Now we all know when the legwear war begins and we're forced to choose a side, it's gonna be difficult. Luckily Bird Dogs has made the decision of which pants and shorts to buy a little easier.

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wearing bird dogs. To get yours and a free Yeti style tumbler go to birddogs.com slash pop-up or enter promo code pop-up at checkout. That's birddogs.com slash pop or promo code Papa for a free yeti style tumbler. You won't want to take your bird dogs off, we promise you. Okay, that's it for me. Go team pants and enjoy the show. Alright gang, so I can only do this teleport thing once a day. So once we're in, we're in, we're fighting a God. Let's go. Let's do it. You're going to have nothing. Okay. Kallukule. You see, Bukku does a like terminator slash ironman

bend and pound into the ground and you guys disappear and then appear in the middle of the watch tower and immediately you're overwhelmed by the sounds of fighting. You hear the clashing of steel and screams from below and inside the tower itself, you see smoke coming up from the village as well and high above the village is an airship, you see griffin riders flying down from it trying to make it to the tower.

There are monks spider climbing the tower, just running up the sides of it, then diving off and battling the Knights mid-air. You see one Goliath woman just shoulder rammed to dude clean off a Griffin, then get on it, pull at the reins and fly in to fight more dudes. You see one Goliath blocked by a dude on a Griffin, but he uses Featherfall to kind of drift safely below.

And you guys appear on this watch tower, and the watchman is there, this giant spectral head. He's got a yellow glow to him and dozens of eyes on both sides of his head, looking in all directions. Uku appears in front of him. You guys appear behind him, go ahead, and roll your stealth versus perception to see how surprised he is to see you suddenly.

Oh my fucking god, I just rolled, because I roll a little advantage and I rolled two net twenty really nice absolutely fucking insane okay so moon so moonshine for sure is going to get a surprise round off on him not in easy got to get a surprise round on he got a twenty seven perception who did anybody else beat a 27? I rolled it that one. I did. You're on that one. You're a plus 10. Yeah, plus 10.

I got 10. Yeah, I got a 29. Okay. 27 exactly with a plus 10. I'm going to, since this is a funky home brew situation we're doing here, I am going to say that he does see you because his perception he's trying to find you and he finds you when he meets it. Okay.

So, I've unrolled a one, so. So, hard one he meets it. Okay, so Arbun rolled a one, so... So, hard one is also seen. Okay, great. This is just for a surprise round. You guys still get to roll initiative and do all of that, but, uh, Tana-Thin and Moon Shine are going to get attacks off. I go into a rage and attack. Okay.

Oh! Another fucking 20. That's so insane. That's so insane. That's my first fucking attack is a barbarian. You've only rolled three 20s in a row as a barbarian. I tried to ballad, and I'm like, yo, I see. That's fucking insane.

Scrumper be praised. So I'm gonna say that moonshine kind of does a little jump. And as you teleport, you come down, and you're just, just happen to be right in one of his eyes. And you take a slash, go ahead and roll your damage. It's double damage. Yeah, roll double damage.

And then what about, because I've got my extra D6 of poison, is that that is that double too? Yes. Oh, Jesus. You're in six barbarians. I'm a God. I'm a God. I hand for 32.

And then I spores him for 12. That is an insane fucking fucking starch good for you. Can we, can we, what do you call it? Can we read Connit and say that I'm wearing Apple Scrumper's jersey? Yeah, it's hell yeah. You're just wearing the jersey. That doesn't get it over. I believe I can fly.

You guys appear instantly moonshine slashes this dude in the eye. He goes, ah, it hurts! What question were you going to ask me? It's fucking you! Absolutely fuck you! Jonathan you get an attack as well. I have a question, how big is the watchman? It's a good question.

He's huge. Okay I just I want to be able to cast Fireball without hitting any of my friends. Okay, okay I'm I do that. Go ahead, a bright streak flashes from my pointed finger to the point and I just it's it goes right into the middle of him He's got to make a dexterity saving throw oh Here all the one nice. Oh, you're a damage. Okay 29 fire damage Yeah, you shoot a fireball explodes into this dude's multiple eyes

you see Uku jumps to the front of him and starts going at him. It's like Dragon Ball see, he's got like spectral hands that are going at all of his eyes. The watchman's eyes come out like spectral tentacles and start shooting eye beams at him. And Uku's just yelling, fuck neutrality. He was a side, evil triumphs would good bet do nothing

I mean I got three twenties. I feel like this is a bliss admission neutrality only hurts the oppressed never the oppressor Complacency is implicit see Everybody roll initiative Another that 20 did you, I was like you did. Actually I'm glad I didn't. I got 18 still solid. I got 21. Wow. I got 13. So I'm just gonna say there's essentially two fights going on. That's what's making this fight winnable is the fact that Uku is fighting the one side of his face and you guys are doing it. just to not bog down combat with having like two epic guys going back and forth.

So it's essentially, you guys are fighting half of his spectral tentacle eyeballs and Uku is fighting the other side. So it's essentially like you've got two parties going at it. Can we sometimes get updates about how bad ass is Uku's being? Yes, absolutely. Right now, it just looks like Dragon Ball Z

where he essentially has these, his hands are moving so quickly doing like monk attacks that you can't tell if he's just moving ultra fast, or if he has extra like magic psychic hands, that come out of it. He's such a piccolo. Wow. Can't wait to high five, ukulele later. Piccolo is my dream man.

Tonithin, that is your turn. Oh, it's me again. Go first. Okay. Tonithin, that is your turn. Oh, it's me again. Go first. Okay. Um, Jonathan Tinkle, I know all of your secrets. I-I know, man. Listen. Get there, attack me. I know you said that you had the adventures of Off-Gar in mint condition first prince.

They're third prince. I-Hey! You know, trying to get nerd,y gets nerd crit how how dare you Trying to get a part That's We max a ton of things Watchmen listen This is what we have to do. You left us no choice. I'm just gonna cast Fireball again. I'm gonna use, I'm actually gonna use a level 4 spell slot so I get to roll an extra D6.

Okay, sweet. He's going to roll a save. Any passes. It's a two. I'm gonna spend my port to make it a two. Okay. Oh yeah! Portent. I see what you did there. I see everything. Yeah we know. I see stuff. I see things.

I see things. But set a premonition of me lighting your ass on fire. Oh. No. Yeah. I got a question for you. Watch me. Did you know you were such a bitch?

Oh, okay. Big guy talking over here. Addicted to our cane. Secretly taking it behind everyone's back. Wait, what? Yeah, he's waking up with cold sweat, taking little snorts here and there. Are you being secretly taking a snorts here and there? Now I know for a fact that he has a first edition of Garcomic, because this guy's just spying on it.

Can I have a lie of Stormborn? That is slightly more unforgivable than Thantonathan's thing. 34 damage. 34 damage. Cool. You shoot fire into his eye. And he shoots back at you with an eye beam as a legendary action. Oh, it's a legendary action.

Oh, man, he has legendary actions. I mean, in between every single turn, he's going to come back. Go ahead and give me a wisdom saving throw as you are shot with a fear wave You are you add that before right cuz you have the no, I did it to you guys But is this is this a is this a spell? This is essentially the fear spell. Okay, so I as a no my get advantage on Wisdom charisma and intelligent saves versus magic. Don't forget to add plus four to it for my aura.

Oh nice. His thinking aura. Ooh, yeah, there we go. I think I try out some dance moves. Okay, so plus four for wisdom, so that is 24. Okay, Tonithim, for a split second, you are hit with this beam and you're like, oh my god, I'm fighting a god. What the fuck are we thinking?

We're fighting a god. And you consider running away and then you look at your friends all up in the mix and you see how strong they are. And they inspire you to be strong too and power out of it. Oh really? I remember Beverly's song from early. And remember the orange juice. That orange juice, yeah. This is over. We're gonna have real orange juice. It was orange drink.

That is Mochang's drink. Alright, let's see if I hit. Come on, another 20. Does a 24 hit. 24 does hit. Yeah. He's just a big bag guy, I balls. He's all weak points.

Alright, then I'm coming at him for 21. 21, that's right. And then I'm a spores in him for 12 mores. I'm coming at him for 33. Damn, dumb threat. With the end of my slice with my new great sword, I would like to slice the little bag that carries a galad's head off of Hardwan's belt, Just so that I can be like,

glad Rosalene found a new bitch. Oh, I forgot about Robin Hood. Rosalene's power. You rolled a net, you crit. Yeah. When you crit with Rosalene, you felt some kind of surging energy like the sword just gained a charge.

What? You don't know what totally what it did. You need to investigate it later. Whoa. No. Very good. You don't totally what totally what it did. You need to investigate it later. Whoa, very good. You don't totally know what Rosalene's powers are yet, but it gained a charge, so we're right down one charge. Oh my God. I know we're in the heat of battle, but oh my God.

And then that is the Watchman's turn. And he goes, well, I can't really give away any of Beverly secrets. He's pretty much an open book. Oh yeah! Ah, let's see. Oh. I guess Moon Shine's kind of an open book. I know lots of stuff about hard ones, surefoot. I don't have any secrets. At the dwarf in it. Hey!

Took you a while to grow that beard, huh, buddy? Yes, yes it did. I grew my beard early for a human, but late for a dwarf. It's okay, hard one, I'm a late bloomer too. Someone say I still have yet to bloom. I think you're bloomin' You're a big beautiful bulb though. Oh, thank you.

So I'm gonna say this very wise dude kind of knows that the source of all these auras and everything is Beverly so he's gonna shoot three eye beams at Beverly You know that I get resistance spell damage everyone does. Yeah, it only helps to get rid of you. Oh, yeah You are now fucking public enemy number one. What's going on? Does he recognize Beverly as the kid who tried to goof him? Public Enemy Number One. What's going on? Does he recognize Beverly as the kid who tried to goof him? Absolutely. I think I absolutely don't like you the most. Wait, why are all your iris is focusing on me? He shoots you with a paralyzing ray. Oh, give me a constitution saving. Okay. Oh, I'm blessed, right?

Yes, you get the D4. Yeah, I need it. Oh, I'm gonna need it. But you got your own. So that's 10. Cool. You are paralyzed. You cannot move. Sure. The beam hits you and you are totally frozen. You can repeat it at the end of your next turn. Sounds par for the course for all, Bev. So second beam is gonna go at hard one.

Hard one, go ahead and give me a strength saving throw. Okay. I Just roll another nat one. Uh-oh, but staving throw plus Yeah, maybe I'll just use a luck point. Okay. That's what I'll go. I Rolled another nat one You're rolling it. It's the I Med again too. I know about luck points. This is going to run out of them eventually. Lucky. Lucky. Another one. I don't know. I mean, you don't

want to get paralyzed, right? I guess I don't know what this is. It's a different. It's a different being. Oh, this is different. I don't know what it is. Dude, I don't think we're fighting another God today. I would say use it. Yeah, I just wanted to use it when I was

going to hit, but I guess I'll use it now. There you go. I guess that's worth celebrating. I rolled a not 20, but it's, oh yeah. Oh, yeah. Took two luck points. What the hell? I've only rolled 20s and 1s.

So this. We're in the morally gray, but our rolls are black and white. Good. Really hard. This ray hits you. It's a telekinetic ray. It tries to physically push you off of the tower, and with a nat 20, you like overpower

the telekinetic power with brute force. That's so good. You win, it's like when football players are like pushing like the dummy sled, and you push up against the powers, but it is going to go ahead and shoot you with another ray. So go ahead and give me a constitution saving throw. They call me the quad god.

Come at me. It's pretty good. 22. You take half damage. But when you take half of that, since he takes half damage from Beves. From, yes. So you'll take, these are all counted damage. All these beams count as spells.

Okay. Good to know. I wasn't sure whether to do that. I couldn't find anything on the internet and I figure you guys would argue me if I said they didn't count as spells dammit I mean, it's a laser beam from a knife. That's pretty spell adjacent. So you take 12 damage. That's already quartered Okay, hard one. Are you still standing? Oh? Frillin woozy It's a arcane baby

We're gonna talk about this. Yeah we're gonna talk about why you've been speaking to us. Oh he's already, yes he's already talked to you about it he's just been lying. What? What do you mean? A little liar, a little rat. Knock it off, is it my turn? A little rat? Are we better give him? Can I roll? It is BEPS turn. All right let me roll and try and get out of this. Cool. It's 15. That's not going to do. You still paralyzed. Somebody prop me up. Yeah, I'm going to say, can I kick him? Somebody just toss me in his mouth.

If I throw a vamabarian in his mouth, will it shake him out of it? No, it will not. He will just vomit all over himself because he can't lean forward. Dude, anyway. He's worth a shot. He's going to take, who's he going to go after? He keeps missing on fucking hard one. He's got Bev paralyzed.

I guess he's gonna shoot Tonithin with a legendary action. Tonithin, let's see. Okay. Why doesn't it come after me? Wisdom saving throw. I'm in so dangerous. A history you crit on it.

I get advantage. But this little nerd's always, he's always plotting something. He's been hanging out here. I thought he was my friend kind of. Yeah, I thought you were neutral, but sounds like you got it out for one guy. Yeah, for real.

Is that why you don't want to go to other plane? Are you lonely? You know what? Now that I think of you as like the NSA collecting data on everyone to use against them, I know everything you all do. I know that you kissed a frog. That was your first kiss. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Don't you take that back. If you really want to suck, why do you like them so much? Whoa! Holywell suck ass! Wow. That's not very neutral. I really do very tender lovers What did you roll 24 24 you pass big man and his big tower just watching everybody else have a good time kissing frogs?

All right, I get you as a villain. Yeah, yeah, it's totally awesome Imagine just having a TV just watch whatever you want. You just got extreme foamo, dude. Sometimes I'll just watch other people's TV. I'll watch them watching TV. Now I feel bad for him again. Hey, I get bad so on an airplane. No, it's really fun. The movies are more interesting.

Yeah, I don't need friends. I prefer hanging out with my myself. I get that though, that's how I saw the Martian. Oh, he's talking to you while Uquas just in the front punching him in the mouth. He's just furiously fighting him, this insane god fight on the other side. So he's talking out of the mouth

that's facing away from us. Okay. It doesn't even make sense. That is Boundor's turn. He goes before hard one. It's okay, hard one. I'll handle this. Boundor runs forward. He rolls a three. He misses big time.

And then he rolls a one. He falls flat on his face. Beef Nor. And he goes. Balnor. Now I know I can kill him. And he's going to shoot a legendary action beam at Balnor. Wait a minute, watchman. Before you kill him, tell us some secrets you know about Balnor I don't know this nerd from the future. I don't know the future. I see things He has ears he is from the future Confirmed anything. This is the numbers one night. I'm not answering your questions. Did he captain you vote? What side was he on You see Balnor shot with a fear ray and fails his wisdom saving throw.

You see, he just grabs the send and goes, I'm from the future and that's weird. You see, he just takes off and runs down the tower, starts running down the stairs. It's also dangerous that way, Balanore. There's not a cop down here though. And that poor little castle urchins down there. He's really put her in her place.

Oh yeah. Oh no, he's gonna fall in love with her. He's having her dinner of a single bean. That's hard on stern. I'm gonna swing my axe at the god. That sounds very cool to the side. Oh you know what, Gemma's up to right? I don't care. You don't? I don't care what Gemma's up to.

Really? Yeah, I know. No, I don't care that You don't? What Chim is up to? Really? Yeah, I know. Sure. No, I don't care. You don't care that she's getting married? Is she? You don't care? Yeah, well, I don't need to know.

Okay. She's getting married. I'm glad that she's happy. That's good. I want her to be happy. Yeah. It is good. By the way, who is she marrying?

She's marrying Gerard Col d'Ane? Okay. Now I know you're alive. She's one of the pale dwarfs. Very funny. She funny up in frost wind Nobody a very jarard indoor outdoor ceremony did 19 hit 19 17 damage 17 damage You also know the things that he's saying frost wind is like one of the only settlements in the frigid north

There are dwarves up there. they're called frost dwarves, or they're also colloquially called pale dwarves, and they're kind of weird, and Gerard Coldain is like the, called the pale prince. The pale prince. Ah! Great. Yeah, no, we used to talk shit about the pale prince.

Everybody thinks he's a weird one. Oh yeah, he sucks. Yeah. And Gemma would not, she would not. She's, excited to be an ice princess honestly honest She's not over me. I know that for fact. That's pretty over. She's not over me. You don't know everything That's a 21 to hit I don't know everything what I see everything and man

15 She's still saving herself for me right? I can pretty hurt.ave, oh yes, this dude's a virgin, this dude's never fucked. I have not fuck all the time. Okay, now I really don't believe this guy. We gotta go back to the elemental chaos and talk this all out afterwards. Yeah, I'm so surprised that you were right about my last name because nothing else you're saying makes it.

But the idea that hard one is a virgin is the most preposterous thing I've ever heard. It's true, he's gotta be lion, right? It's a yeah. It's preposterous, everything is. I think he's trying to, you know is goat or whatever you pull in the wall over I just try to court my goat guys. I'm gonna use my actions 26 he seems pretty flustered though hard one. I mean

Yeah, hard one. I don't know maybe I mean maybe the jam is stuff is true He could have got to save the date and that's how he knows 15 more damage 15 more damage. He's starting to look pretty hurt Oh great you guys are doing a good job. I get laid often. I get laid hard That's another 21 to hit that hits a very funny thing to scream as you kill someone That hits. It's a very funny thing to scream as you kill someone. I have to leave hard one. 13 damage. Hard one, real quick.

I mean, like, what was the last sexual encounter you had? Maybe describe a couple of details or you'll get a vibe of for the author's identity? She was like the thickest, thickest dwarven maiden. Yeah. It doesn't count if you just draw a picture of her, man. It doesn't count if you just draw a picture of her. We had sex in every position, normal, backwards. I see everything.

And upside down, a doozy below. It was crazy. You know, in his defense, we might have different lingo. I've never heard of any of those positions he just named. But it's true. It all sounds very exotic. I know nothing about sex. So no one knows that all about me

I know a lot about fucking We have put I don't know maybe you know that's him and even if it's not you know like you shouldn't shame him for being a virgin If you know even if he is it's fine That is also true if you were a virgin that'd be totally fine. I agree and I'm not but thank you for saying that Don't want to the time out bag, you won't remain. He's going to use a legendary action at the end of Hard One's turn to shoot a beam at. Tonithin, go ahead and give me a strength saving throw. Oh boy!

You're strong, Tonithin. Um, dig deep. Can I use my familiar to give me the help action? Here's what I'll do. I'll let you roll on your own. Roll on your own to see if you pass your strength check. I will let Barnaby roll the strength check. And if you can beat a DC-20, then I'll let him help you. So 18.

18 just passes. So you feel, so you're helping. Thank you. So you feel this force, it's like Darth Vader choking you and starts pushing you towards the edge of the tower, but you're able to power out of it. Barnaby helps you, the two of you kind of work together. He furiously flaps his wings against the force, and you guys stay atop the tower.

Sorry, watch, man. You can paralyze me, but you can't stop my stinky aura. I hate that stupid teen stank. It's oozing on out. That's Jonathan's turn. Okay, uh, I am going to cast Mirror image on myself. Okay. Yeah, so there are three there are now four ton of this classic It's hard not to just go back into the scoop time too many ton of things resist the scoop. Oh, we play in the game guys No, okay cool Athens resist the scoop. Oh, we playing the game guys. No, okay cool

You see he gets shot with a beam and starts to turn to stone and then shatters it and keep fighting. That's so rad Oh my god, so yeah, there are many knees great That's moonshine's turn and I'll just attack okay 25 25 hits I Haven't drawn like any of the rays that do damage. It's crazy. Oh, you have them shuffled? Yeah, I got it. It's got cards here.

I'm just pulling them. Keep getting telemetric. Once again, that's going to be 20. And then another 12 of a sport damage. Jesus, you do a lot of damage. 32. Yeah, for that one, multiclass level, you've got Super Buff. He's quite hurt.

How many black eyes does he have? Several black eyes. He's starting to look pretty fucked up. That is his turn. He's going to shoot a beam at moonshine. Bring it on, come on. All this guy does is shoot beams. Shooting beams is cool, man.

You don't know what cool is, even though you see everything. I see a lot of cool stuff. You probably can't even tell kids why they like the taste of cinnamon touch crunch. You can't even move dirt. You know what's cooler than just sitting back and watching and judging everything participate

and taking a chance, being yourself. Yeah, I'm just watching right now at a freaking stinks. Yeah, well, you can't see everything. Otherwise, you would love hanging out here up in the tower by yourself. Mochang, go ahead and give me a wisdom saving throw. Wisdom. Is this charmed?

Is this being charmed? No. It is sleep though. Do you have resistance to sleep? Yeah, I have. I'm immune to sleep. Fucking does nothing to you. You get shot by it.

You feel like you just had a shot of espresso. You feel great. He shoots another goddamn beam at you. Give me a Constitution of espresso. You feel great. He shoots another goddamn beam at you. Give me a Constitution saving throw. Okay. This one's an innovation ray. Don't forget to add the Bev musk.

14 that fails. So you get shot for. Oh, wait, Bev musk means a, Bev musk means it's a 18. Jesus, he passed. Okay. So you take half a dozen, half of that for fuck's sake.

For being paralyzed, you're doing a lot. Yeah, I just see you being around. It's all strike me down and I will become stinkier than you could ever imagine. I need to just kill the stupid kid. They don't tell me that. You're so paralyzed and relaxed that your pores are oozing even more.

They call me beeferyly for a reason. Moonshan, you take nine damage. Okay. Moonshan, you all right? And then he has one more beam that he will also shoot at. Moonshan,, you take nine damage. Okay. Moonshine, you all right? And then he has one more beam that he will also shoot at. Moonshine, go ahead and give me a constitution saving throw.

Of course, you know my weakness now. I don't actually get to pick what I do. 22. God, damn it. You get shot with the paralyzing ray, but you power out of it. You use your newfound barbarian rage and just Hulk out.

Dang. Moonshine you're gonna need the largest grumperturzy. Bav, that is your turn. Oh yeah let's do this. Repeat the saving throw. Alright, that's 18. Does that break out? Yes you break out.

So at the end of your turn you're able to to break out. That is Balnor's turn. Balnor is gonna try to not be feared anymore, but can I do a bonus action? No. Ah, Balnor breaks out. He took a full dash action to run down the stairs and you hear, you know what? Friendships more important than living.

And you hear him on the steps coming back. Oh, Balnor, I just always on your own little journey. Hard one that's your turn. Okay, take back the stuff about Gemma. Take back the truth. I rolled the two. Okay, I'm gonna use my luck point. Okay, try to, that's my final one for the day. Great. Yeah, take back the truth. Tell me, just, I'll get a lot of me, brother. 19 to hit. 19 hits. 11 damage.

He is on death's door. Oh goodness. Oh. So, all right. Straight up, is there anything I can do to win her back? Yes, I will get, if you let me go. He's now like, started started to get pretty like you see Uku is fully winning his side of the fight and

He looks bruised and fucked up on his side. He already used his turn He can't like teleport away as a legendary action He has to run through the fucking gamut again hit by all you guys. So he might be down to for some diplomacy. We said we said we I know that he's been kind of a jerk to us but before we knew how much of a jerk was we we had discussed perhaps true. I'm sure that's what hardwond is whispered to him. Yes it was a 2040 hit. So I don't know.. You would hit. Okay. You essentially have a choice to whether or not you want to kill this dude. I shall do you have a taint?

I don't. I don't poop. Dang it. Do you have a favorite eye? Yes, it's this one. And he holds out a special tentacle at you. That is a nice one. Thank you very much.

Is that how you poop? I don't. God damn it. Do you want to live Is that how you poop? I don't, God damn it. Do you want to live? Yeah, that would be wonderful. What could, um. Why didn't you, why didn't you just leave? You know that you are a liability to the safety

of a lot of innocent good people. Why didn't you just leave and take your powers away from where they couldn't harm good people? Go ahead and give me a persuasion check. There are them single digits. Are we out of context? With advantage. That was so good.

Not really. Okay. Not really. Oh wait. Is this a throw that I get to add the D4 to? No. No, no, he just goes. No, no, he just goes. Because I am the great watchman, a god.

I do not move because of the petty squabblings of people. Did the other gods hate you or something? The other gods don't hate me. They just wanted to leave and go make their own plans. And I wasn't exactly strong enough to make my own plane. Aw. All over the face of this good country, It was exactly strong enough to make my own plane. Awwww. All over the face of this good country, run into craveness. Well, why didn't she just move into one of the other gods' planes?

I don't, because I'm a god, I should rule the- I should rule whatever plane I'm a part of. But now, if the others are here, she's just running around acting like she owns the place. I mean, she owns Galatoron. Yeah. Technically, yeah. Yeah, so why not move so that she doesn't own you too? Because I don't need to move. If we could beat you up this bad,

what do you think this is all I can do? I couldn't, I wouldn't, the other, I could kick her ass. I don't believe you. Are you a good name and kicker? I don't even need to kick her ass. She'll just come up, she'll ask me a question, she'll seek my knowledge because I'm important. We've already established that you do not have an ass!

Ha ha ha ha! So you're willing to work with the Aula. I work with anyone. Whoever needs my power, I grant it. I am a benevolent God. You know what, we keep meeting weak, craven people and then pitting them, but I think that your cowardice might make you a piece of shit.

He turns to, well he doesn't turn to hard one, he's got a million eyes, one of his eyes, his favorite eyes, zeroes and a hard one. I know all of Jemma's secrets, I can tell you how to win her back, I know when her wedding is, I know everything. That's stalker shit, dude. I know all of your stuff, too. We know third edition. I'm gonna start calling this dude third edition. I'm doing sports, everyone. Or sports, everyone, and I say,

I'm down to kill this motherfucker, but hard one, if you want to milk him for all the information you possibly can, be my guess. I look him in the eye and I say, I don't care what you say. Jim is not getting married to the fucking pale prince. And I kill him. I'm gonna say in this insane Godfights, guys,

describe the Marvel-verse Capcom combo that you guys do to kill him with Uquud. What I would like to do is I would like to take a huge barbarian swing and then as I swing, I go out of the rage and then I cast Lightning Bolt at the same time. Or not like the same time, saying like in quick succession. So sec. I want to, I'm just going to take my new spear and put the berry right at the tip of it. And toss it to bef, tof, tof feed to the... I catch it with my mage hand.

Yeah! Which is a new cancher if I have. And I feed it to him with a bonus action, but while I'm doing that, I cast the green tea and moonbeam, so all of his eyes are blinded by radiant light. And what do you add to it, Jonathan? So there are four of me. So we all jump into the air and we cast my new cantrip, told the dead.

So we all four point and so four sounds of a bell ring. And he takes some to cry to it. And he said, necrotic damage. Oh my god, the god got his bell run. You guys gotta get a bell run. You have this insane javelin that has like moonshine's lightning power in it and Uku bury out front, it's own lightning powers

coming out of Bev's moonbeam and Jonathan's necrotic damage. You see you hit it, it strikes and goes all the way through him because he's like this spectral head and explodes as it goes through and you see Uku catches it and throws it back so we get hit with it twice. Yes, it goes through the watchman a second time this explosion of lightning and necrotic energy you see all of his eyes Roll back and his entire body begins glowing. You guys feel the tower beneath you shaking and it's quite clear that it's going to collapse

and that the watchman is going to explode. We're about to jump out of the building. So baby. Slow mode jump out this exploding tower. You could have lived in Pelora's guest room. It's very spacious. Eyes just rolling back and like spectral goo coming out of his mouth.

Oh yeah, apukes, right? Yeah. Yeah. So you guys slow motion, jump off of the tower. And the tower explodes in a cascade of yellow light and gray stone. The rocks underneath it crumble as the tower begins to lean and fall apart. Your ears ring from the sound of the explosion and the cacophony of screams and falling stone. You guys do know that there were like people fighting in the tower so they're just getting crushed. Like as you guys are starting to fall, you guys

are kind of seeing the consequences of this full battle. Like there's no way the goliaths could have kept taking more and more chosen fights. Like they're kind of evenly matched. There's lots of dead goliaths, lots of dead chosen. You see after the explosion, the airship kind of starts to pull back and retreat a little bit, but you guys are floating down. You see that the village is mostly destroyed and smoking. You jump in the opposite direction that the tower is falling and begin gliding towards the woods. But you see Uku is launching himself down the tower, like running and kicking across the stone, shooting down like a goddamn anime character.

And as he runs down, Tonethin, you hear a voice in your head. Tonethin, my watch has ended. The other monks here are warriors and farmers. I could think of no one better than you to pick up where I left off. Your thirst for knowledge is unmatched. And you see he looks at you and you see the third eye tattoo glows in the middle of his head as you see it physically leave his body. And it shoots out in a beam of light to your forehead, and you feel the sensation of a third eye opening.

And you see that Uku's tattoo has disappeared. Uku. And he goes, I cannot ask other people to make a sacrifice that I am not willing to make. We did this for the greater good. Preserve the books in the temple, lead the Goliaths to the mountains, use knowledge to protect the realm. Goodbye, my friend.

You see, Uku just lets himself fall, and when he hits the ground, you see that there are a bunch of Goliaths retreating, you see the chosen retreating and everything. You see that as people are running the way, Uku's like breaking boulders as they're falling out of the tower and just destroying and just like a bunch of goliaths underneath him running for cover that were like in the mouth. I cast in large on Uku to make him huge. Uku turns so fucking huge. He was already eight and a half feet tall and you see as you guys kind of hit the ground and are escaping and are kind of running away, you see Uku this giant badass fucking monk destroying rocks and boulders and the bricks from the tower

until a bunch of other Goliaths are able to escape not all of them, but a lot of them that wouldn't have otherwise survived until you finally see him get overwhelmed and Uku disappears in the dust and stone. By you magnificent giant man, what a hog he had. That's true. We never really talked about that. I mean, statues. Yeah, I mean, we didn't eat it. Especially as a giant. That was what without saying.

I'm crying from all three eyes. Oh, I mean, from all three eyes I Okay, I'll say what when you guys are talking Baleno was up there and he had the thing I was like was Baleno in the tower fuck oh, yeah Oh, yeah, he would there was there was plenty of time there was a ton of making out with a ghost woman that Baleno jumps out weak killed her and you guys see The battle has stopped. It's kind of like eerily quiet. It's a bunch of goliath bodies and a bunch of chosen bodies. You see the airship has retreated and the few remaining chosen guys retreated.

This was like a huge tower, tiny kind of little village, so it's mostly wrecked. But Jonathan, you know that in the temple, there's a library in the basement, so you know that the knowledge of this place still exists. You guys see, Tonethin has the tattoo now. He's got the third eye. Love that, bro. Hey. And you know that as long as you're alive,

you can preserve the knowledge of Uku and the monks of the unseen eye. And that's where we'll end our session. Oh. But before you guys go, I meant to do this last time, but we ended on such a good note. I was being carried away by Uku, but I made these for you.

What? Friendship bracelets? No, little, I made little miniatures of you guys. I'm a, I'm a rock gnome. I know how to tinker. And so I made little clockwork versions of each of you. Did you paint these yourself? Yeah, yeah, it's, again, I had to really mirror image myself so that I wouldn't get scooped.

But every day I would square away some time to paint these and brushwork and squeeze it. I cannot believe I have in my hands my un unworthy hands, an authentic tinkled tinker. You know what I mean? Did you make one for me? I just met you, sir. I'm so sorry. I pick up a misshapen rock from the side. I might not illusion it.

I might not illusion it. Okay. I think this one's you, Belmore. I think this just kinda looks like me. It looks like he's holding a bag right here. Yeah, there's a little bag on it. Okay. I think this one's you, Bel. I think this just kind of looks like me. Yeah, that looks like you. It looks like he's holding a bag right here. Yeah, yeah. There's a little bag on it.

Oh, look at the mustache. Huh, some good spellcraft, Bev. Thank you so much. You had Bev for real. You had a good night's sleeveless night. You could just send that in the mail later. He would crush your mother-wise. Cool, guys.

So that's the end of the ep. Thank you so much to our boy, Jonathan, for joining us. Thank you for helping me kill a guy. Yeah, we all killed a guy together. That was nice. All of the day's work, that was a fun moral quandary that I didn't, because I was kind of think,

as a DM, I'm like setting everything up, I'm like, oh, this is so bad if the all gets the God, but you guys are just like, I guess this is kind of just a neutral guide, do we want to kill him? I love that shit and do you, when you guys are just like, it gives us kind of just a neutral guide. Do we want to kill him? I love that shit and do you need when you got to talk it out. But once we got there and I realized like,

what he was all about, like not choosing a side in a good versus evil war, like, oh, you should die. Yeah, he's just a judgey bitch. Yeah, once he felt like some like weird data collection, once he felt like some weird data collection thing, I was like, all right, fuck you. Once we made him the government, was bad. Yeah, yeah big data I was kind of I always think of like what's gonna be funny about the fight and I was like this dude knows everything

He could just make fun of people for the like so good But I feel like hard one has had hard one got hammered the most because you have so many things that you've like hinted at Bull and shine wears everything on her sleeve except for the private cry. Yeah, right. The one private cry. The one private cry. You cry. You like Bev had a crush on Irland, but now him and Irland are dating. Like there's no.

That's in the open. That's in the open. Yeah, they're really accidentally puts everything out. Yeah, Beverly puts everything out there. Moulinshine burp is like puts everything out there. You know what we should put out there? A short rest with more information. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. This is a nice little preview of their short rest. Head on over to patreon.com slash nad pod that's NADD, POD, do not sing yet. So listen to our short rest. Guys, by me and Emily's book, it's called Hey You Up, how to turn your booty call into your emergency contact

and get it on Amazon or on Audible. Can we also say that our TV show is coming to Netflix soon? Yes, our TV show is coming in. It's just first. Yes, it's coming on October, in next week. It's so close. Yeah. Hot tape.

Anybody else got anything to plug? Yo, it's a fresh round of new plugs. Oh, yeah. Anything in called, well, you guys got some exciting plug. We got a very exciting thing. Nathan and I have been working on a show as well. For like a year and we haven't been able to talk about it. Yeah. I think by the time this is posted, the first episode will be up on DRAPHY.

Yeah. It's called Cartoon Hell. It's basically like DRAPHY, but more. But with more. Yeah, exactly. With some budget. Exactly. It tells the story of how we died. You can check it out on DRAPHY, but you can also sign up for the new service it's going to be on called Dropout by going to signup.dropout.tv slash Drawfee. And if you do that, it's very good for Nathan and I. Wow, cartoon, how sounds amazing. That's a six person.

Was that another ton of them? That was one of my mirror images. That's one of our studio audience members. I do also have some shout outs I'd love to do. Yeah. We had two people send us very lovely gifts at our PO box. Yeah. Lexi R sent us an engraved wood block for hard one,

which I played. Where was it? Wait, hard one played, but also before, when Bev showed up with the box, he made us smell it before we even took it out. It smells so good. It smells so good. I was like, what am I smelling? It's freshly burnt.

It was. It was. It did smell good. Oh, yeah. And then also, uh, Mary, Joanne, S and Adam O sent us green teen patches and a Nannerfly cross stitch. I don't know if that's definitely. The Nannerfly is, is to die for. I don't know if that's definitely. The Nannerfly is to die for.

I love it. It's really fantastic. That's getting hung up for sure. Oh, for sure. Yeah, if you want to send us stuff, you can do it at 1920 Hillhurst Avenue, number 222, Lozifalice, California, 90027. Cool.

And of course, listen to if I were you and follow us all on Twitter, Nathan, what's your Twitter handle? I am at Atnathan Yaffee. At and Follow Us All On Twitter, Nathan, what's your Twitter handle? I am at At Nathan Yaffee. At At Nathan Yaffee is Nathan, at CHMurf is me, at J. Kerr, which is Jake, at Callie is Caldwell, at E-Axford is Emily and Tweet about the show using hashtag NADPod, that's N-A-D-D-P-O-D. We are, we are, youth of the nation, we are, we are, youth of the nation we are we are Youth of the nation I feel like Bev's voice is getting better

It's the end of the show everybody and that means we need to shout out our benevolent Council of Elders. Oh, Melora turns her in different eye on y'all! In different eye! Emily kick us off! Alright, first step we got Matthew, M, the bullywug prints used Josh fit to get ripped but felt bad once they realized the meal plan was mostly halflings, currently weaning himself off-halfling and only has it on special occasions. Oh, that's nice. Brad D, the only pebble pot that isn't Craven, as a teen once let their uncle Duncan Pebble

Pot represent them in court and ended up spending six months in jail for stealing a snapple. And he only stole it for the fact. Can you believe it, Jay Loma, 72, aka Steelbreaker, hard one's gym inspiration, lifts twice as much as Josh fit Josh, but is only half as Vainey. That's good, you don't want too many veins. You just don't. Andrew A, aka Feldspard Ligard in the half-elf.

Andrew is half-elf and half-pixie, and doesn't like to think about the physics of his parents doing it. So cute, except for the parents doing it. Taylor, pa-pa-pa, the sixth, the legendary bard to whom no item isn't an instrument. They once used a paperclip and a straw to play the brown note and make the lad Roselle shit himself. He does that a lot.

The brown note Wikipedia, that shit's cool. Dylan B, a super weak wizard who wields 12 swords, insists on carrying the swords even when they're invisible, begging the question, why all the swords Dylan B? True, and we must ask that Simon W, the bootleg of Hardwan Soft Loss, respectfully declined their RSVP to gem his wedding, but is very happy for her. They've just got plans with their loving family. Danny P, Bahumi's resident artist, painted painted hard one senior portrait at the Dwarf in

itch, is invited to Gemma's wedding and was actually commissioned to draw the wedding party. Oh, a wedding draw, it's the most expensive part of the wedding, but it's worth it. A lot of people invited to Gemma's wedding in this council of elders. Tom P. Father of the realms, Aeronator of sleeping babies, even Elven babies who are immune to sleep. That's insane. Shop on that one.

Spencer Caskbrew, patron elder of libations, ale maker to gods and heroes of Bohemia alike. Once made a logger so crisp, the dwarf god Mordin himself appeared atop a mountain peak to raise his glass to Spencer. Oh wow, what a sight. Pedro E. Bard of the mountains, but not Bard of the river. If you request his services near a body of water, he will slap you across the face with

a goddamn loot. Violent. Griffin SD, aka the stranger, the silver dragon eldritch night and owner of the badgers pint in and tavern Used to be called the badgers court in and tavern, but people were getting a little too routy So they downgraded it to pint. You know you got to I'm like except for the works that he's still got courts for the orcs All right, beard man Dan the longest beard in Bahumia He can't run and can barely walk without tripping over himself, and honestly his life is kind of hell.

Tragic, Scott D owns a cursed sword that whispers evil to him, but doesn't really notice because he's part of one of those friend groups that really razzes each other, so to him it's just business as usual. Wow, so he's kind of immune to it, huh? Look at that. Aaron C has never missed an attack.

They've only attacked like five times, but still, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. Hermes W. the Bat King, fun fact, first ever Bat King. Originally the bats were a democracy, but Hermes led a bloody rebellion and became total ruler. I guess that fact isn't fun. No, it's not that fun. T. Alex, a dwarfen from the wrong side of the tracks who fell in love with a privileged green teen and found romance through the power of dance.

I'd watch that movie. Parker E. The Spider-Man of Bohemia, not the Peter Parker variety, though, a horrifying spider person with eight legs that lives in a big hammock of web gunk. Cuck, yeah, eight human legs. What a goddamn nightmare. That's some bio-shock shit. RJW the Goliath botanist who perfected the strain of pukeberries used by Uku and Ko.

Currently working on a potato crossbreed that looks exactly like dog shit. Epic pranker. Spartus, a mighty elder dragon who sits upon a huge horde of magic-th magic the gathering cards. Spartus has never actually played the game though, just like looking at the art. I can relate. Adam R. Bohumias number one arcane dealer only grows friends.

Call them Adam though. Most people know them by their street name. Our face. That's a pretty good nickname. Brent B. Tadalonis Magic, not wizard magic though. The magic of Walt Disney, which is a fancy way of saying they watched Aladdin together. He got to watch it with a friend.

He just got to. He was actually moved too. He had to. You need someone to sing. I can show you the world and do it with. Cassandra MHP, ruler of the Goblins. We haven't encountered a single goddamn goblin on this adventure, but trust me, they're super cool, and Cassandra is their boss.

Matt C. AKA, Mattie Big Critz, AKA Matthias of House Crit, has only rolled a non-21s, but the dice rolled off the table and onto the floor, which everyone knows totally doesn't count. True, that Danielle, the dastardly-dame Daniel is so dastardly that once, that they once tied an entire village of gnomes to a train track. Daniel eventually let the gnomes go after everyone else in town started cheering and waiting for the train to come in. You guys hate gnomes.

You see, aka, howdor frostback, MVP of the Giant Wars, Crude on the SS Stormborn, and Fawn Alongside, Elias and Red, a barbarian warrior from the frigid north who eats popsicles for every meal, stick and all. Oh, that makes my teeth hurt to think about. I hate that one. Many the mundane, accidental deity who got in the way of a lichest spell to reach divinity. Whenever your teacher forgets to assign homework, that's many. Doing you the most celestial of solids.

Daniel U, aka Multifor, the owner of a sweet boat that sounds like Gilbert Godfried. It also looks like Gilbert Godfried. It's actually not even a boat. It's just a giant Gilbert Godfried column that's currently standing in a lake. Multifor, I don't know what you're up to with that Gilby Gollum, but you keep doing you. Yeah, for real, do you? Jordan DJ, legendary DJ of the realm, once dropped a beat so loud that even the titan

of the earth had to cover their ears. Jeffrey S, Lord of the Fjord, born of the sword, and enjoyer of Lord, seriously, Jeff Siener in concert like 30 times, he can't get enough. I just love this. I'm running, Kak. He's a bureaucracy. Formerly, a bartender at Smuggler's Bounty, they tried to get a coyote ugly thing going

and were unfortunately crushed by their giant co-worker. Currently live in large off of fat, insurance settlement. Cutter W. A high-elf, dandy turned Crick a bark attack, currently working with Frank Geary to make a huge melty skyscraper log in downtown Esri. It looks awful. Oh my god, but I would definitely take a selfie with it. Lex, sketch, also known as the Escape Artist Lex is a talented rogue who can escape any prison, but also does tasteful nude portraits of other inmates before leaving.

John S. aka, Shubber the Mushroom, currently trying to escape from a hungry cartoon Italian chef who wants to chop him up and make a tasty pizza pie from a his a flesh. Oh, you gotta give that a little more. From a his a place. Okay, James B. Bohumius' premiere film critic. Oh, you gotta give that a little more. From Mahezza Place. Okay, James B. Bohumi is premiere film critic.

However, since movies don't exist in the world, they mostly just get drunk and throw rotten tomatoes at bars. Ryan M. Hardwan's bunkmate at the doorfinage never once complained when hardwan ripped stinky beef in the middle of the night, just a real solid guy. That's great, but also inconsiderate of hard one to rip that stinky beef. Just stop ripin' stinky beef, dude. Elena C. Star Judge on Bohumian Idol, a show where Bard's compete to see who is going to be the next superstar.

There are three judges on the show, but Elena's rye wit and cutting critiques have earned her fame and notoriety. She's the cutting judge for who means love day. Andrew M. The guy who gets the best arcane. He'll always give you a bump. And if you try to give him some gold for it, he's super chill. He's like, you just get me next time, but he never takes you up on it. Ricky aka,

tricky, Ricky of the crickety, competed in the same muddle Olympics as Apple Scrumper, but in the fertilizer freestyle slalom was the only competitor not to Barp during his run. I think Papa actually competed in that. Yeah, he did Barp. Yeah.

Andrew R, best man at Gemma's wedding to the pale prince and honestly, he doesn't know the prince super well. That dude seriously has no friends and he's kinda weird. Get lost at Kathulu, a rogue assassin who's often caught in the act because he's a giant fucking Kathulu. Even though he's clearly guilty of murder, no one can bring him to justice because again, he's a giant fucking Kathulu. Michael McD, head mixologist at the Blumana Inn, he has this really cool special

where if you order a Yeager bomb, he'll punch you in the face. I've gotten it three times and you do not feel good the next day. Blitz-Prick, Dmitry, famous twerger who owns and runs the beloved franchise, Dorgers Big Borgor. They just introduced a kid's meal where the prize inside is just another Big Borgor. That's- this is why our kids are obese. Victor T. Boundore's boy whose loving dad was ripped from his family and transported to another world. The last thing he heard his dad say was something about assassinating an arch dude.

Okay, Henry A. Administered Paw Paws LSA T and never saw someone finish so quickly from his perspective, it looked like Pawpaw wrote M.O. across the scantron, but the results came back perfect. So who knows? Pawpaw works in mysterious ways. Colin G. Colin G. Ink Master of the Realm. Colin draws the sickest tats and the band of boobs is on the way to get some fresh ink.

Yes, please. Lance W. The Lance Doctor. Regularly uses his lance to lance boils and blisters. And then, when he goes into battle, everyone is terrified of him, because his weapon is just sooooyucky. A lot of pus there. Justin, I, a nomish inventor, whose newest creation is akin to a whoopee cushion, he plans to use it to play nomish tricks on unsuspecting innocence, because this is the dishon a whoopee cushion. He plans to use it to play no-miss tricks on unsuspecting innocence because this is the

dishonest nature of his people. Kayla but drinks his beer out of the exoskeleton of a crawfish. It means he has to refill it a lot but gosh dang does a Meg for his estabelle. Clayton M. A Claymation Dalmation. A wonderful pup that you can always bring on vacation and it'll give you a kindly lick no matter what your station in life. TJM a famous Crick 6 advisor who writes the weekly column, letters from the Time Outbag. The professional, the only lawyer to ever successfully beat Pop-On litigation. It was for a J-walking ticket and pop-on intentionally didn't show up at the courthouse that day, but still.

Jacob C! Despite the watchman having so many eyes and seeing everything he straight up never saw, Jacob C have to wipe more than once after taking a dump as shit as that clean. Helena M. the host of the rival show of Bohumian Idol, Bohumia's got talent. Her inherent likability is catapulting her success in TV and radio. Nice. Gun off. Gun off is the inventor of a spray form of misty step. If you've got ants, rodents, or pesky ankle biters dwelling under your porch,

spray a little gun off on them. And those things will be transported 50 feet away, probably to your neighbor's house. Good ridden. Should really be 30 feet though. Shit. Ha! Mick Bucks, the code master who just launched our website, also an eternal code master, who got to start decoding cryptic messages intercepted door gold war one, apparently intercepted

and decoded a message from the Germans with just two words, called Balnor. Errol and Cat Leigh and Ella, two-headed ogre, who was married to itself. The wedding was very sweet, although their first dance was, inescapably, a very graphic grind. Didn't have to be graphic. Dylan M. Captain of a kickball team that was originally named the chosen but a since changed it so as not to be associated with its vaguely terroristic namesake. Jai G. Jai G. gave Uku his third eye tattoo. Tried to talk him out of it too because Uku

was really drunk at the time. Corbin A. A wizard cobbler who cobbles magical attributes into shoes. Made moonshines, of Elven kind, but it's currently working on some trust the gust air Jordans which will literally just let you fly. I'd buy him, I'd buy him. Atlas Storm Reaper and eccentric mogul who is trying to use excess electricity from mist-call lightning spells as a low carbon footprint energy alternative you can power your house with. Jostretch, a peddler of highquality menswear that rivals the style and skill of famed Ezra Taylor Renee. If you know that the Jost and Jost a bank stands for Jostritch.

He yelled, drag a sad sack, dragon whose sour temperament and pessimistic self-peeding has led other dragons to say, what a drag when something doesn't go their way. Cameron C, a warlock who read Kurt Vonnegut's slaughterhouse 5, which really opened their eyes to the horrors of military combat and has since become a peace lock. Brianna H is a phoey paladin whose righteous smites blaze with the fire of their devotion to trickery, mischief, consensual orgies, and other faye, virtues. P.J.W., the Watchman's optometrist, who made a killing on the many disposable bifocal

contact lenses the Watchman had to buy, likely the one person in Bohumia to mourn the Watchman's death. Don Lemon the dwarf of a bespectacled pundit with cheekbones to die for who tells it like it is for Iron Deep's popular political pageant DNN. Damn, Yell R is an earth elemental that poses as a beaver dam for beavers that aren't very good at building houses. A kindly service. Quentin J, a wizard who has every spell memorized mostly uses it to win wizard jeopardy. Austin L, the first orc to ever fuck a human and make a half orc, paved the way and made sure it was safe for the rest of human and orc kind to mix their genitals and jeans. And of course, camera Mickey, the seamstress who showed the very first time out bag at the creek.

Oh my, a legend. A legend in their own right. Thank you to all of our Patreon subscribers. Thank you to our benevolent council of elders. And thank you to all of our Patreon subscribers. Thank you to our benevolent Council of Elders. And thank you to all of our listeners. Head on over to the Patreon to listen to our short rest. And check back next week for another fun episode. Thank you guys. Bye, bitches. That was a hit gun podcast.