Not Another D&D Podcast - VOTE '24 Mixed Bag Mixtape: Best of Patreon D&D Courts

Episode Date: October 30, 2024

Fellow Americans, Election Day is Tuesday, November 5th! You can find your polling place at https://www.headcount.org/. We're releasing 3 episodes of D&D Court from our Patreon to the main feed so you can bring us along with you when you cast your ballot! Dungeon Bailiff Jake brings audience-submitted cases to Supreme Crit Justices Murph, Emily, and Caldwell who hand down harsh sentences.Time Codes:D&D Court: Bonus Cases - Boomer Pooh - (00:00:34)D&D Court Bonus Cases - Yuncle - (00:52:52)D&D Court Bonus Cases - A Little Place Called Mangia's - (01:48:56)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey everybody, Murph here. We did this last general election and thought it was a fun way for us to remind our American audience to vote and to give you something to listen to while you're in line. Election day is Tuesday, November 5th. If you don't know your polling place, you can go to headcount.org to look it up. Many states are allowing you to vote early. I've done that. And we here at NADPOD are voting voting for Kamala Harris and we hope you do too Please enjoy some of our favorite D&D court episodes from our patreon available for the first time ever on the main feed and go vote Welcome back to dungeon court everybody Dun-dun, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon. Welcome back to dungeon court everybody. Dun-dun.

Dun-dun. We're back from recess. Oh yeah. I climbed to the top of the jungle gym and I broke my fucking arm. Oh dude. Whoa. Yeah, it's really gnarly.

It's out, it's out. Should I go see like the nurse or something? It was really cool when you got to the top though. That was rad. Yeah. We all thought you were cool. Until you got hurt. Then we ran away. It was the way you reacted to getting hurt that, that was rad. We all thought you were cool. Until he got hurt, then we ran away.

It was the way you reacted to getting hurt that made us run away. You started weeping right there. You squawked. Turns out you can't fly, man. If you squawked and said, I think I hurt my wing. This is a great surprise round question. Your friend falls, breaks their arm brutally,

but keeps squawking and saying, I think I broke my wing. How do you react? I think honestly, I'm like, God damn it, why am I friends with comedians? And then I just assume that they're doing some self-suggesting. Just a bit. Stop doing bits.

I help them and yell at them. Tell me, is this a bit? Wah-ah! Yeah. Okay, I'm assuming it's a self-soothing bit. Cause if it is, it's hilarious. Yeah. Anyway, I take them to the vet.

Yeah. With that, let's go ahead and throw to Bailiff Jake. Hear ye, hear ye, Crit is back in session. Yes. We're back, baby, drum drum. Drum drum. The honorable Supreme Crit justices Axford Murphy and Squawk presiding.

Squawk well. And our first case comes from some guy who likes chicken. Whoa. They write, to the magnanimous justices, I present the case of the surprise squirrel suit. May it please the court. Okay. Whoa, I've been so far.

I'm playing a campaign as a level six warlock who mostly sits back and snipes with Eldritch Blast. You got a repetitive- I haven't talked for two sessions and no one noticed. I am a quiet cousin. Yeah. I meant to mention this in the last episode,

but doesn't quiet cousin sound like one of the gods in Game of Thrones? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. The mother, the Smith, the quiet cousin. She is a sister of the quiet cousin. You must pray. What, yeah. Oh, yeah. The mother, the Smith, the quiet cousin. She is a sister of the quiet cousin. You must pray.

One of the eight. Yeah. Well, you always forget about the quiet cousin because he's so damn quiet. You don't pray to the quiet cousin. The repetitive turns got a bit boring and I wanted to develop the play style a bit. So I decided to multiclass into fighter

when we next leveled up. Cool. Okay. I spoke to my DM and he loved the idea. Even asking me if there were any bits of loot I wanted to find to compliment the new build. I told him I'd love some better armor, since as a warlock, I was extremely squishy and wouldn't last long on the front lines.

Yeah. I think I know where this is going and I can love. Wait, really? Yeah. Do you want me to guess? Yeah. I think that the armor is going to be a squirrel suit. Oh, duh.

I really hope it is. Go on, Jake. I can't wait to hear. We did so many bits. We did so many bits that I forgot. A couple of sessions later, I'm breaking into random rooms at the tavern looking for stuff to steal.

And my DM told me I'd found a set of armor that would fit me perfectly. He looked so proud of himself as he described, Axford was correct, a full squirrel costume. What? That's not armor though. I mean, I've seen like some of those like fursuits at like conventions, you know, they look pretty sturdy.

I mean, yeah, I guess, you know, that would serve as leather armor for sure. Mascots need some. I get what everyone's saying, but if I said, if I was like, I'm just gonna go put on my armor, and then I came back out and I had a fursuit on, wouldn't you be like, that's not armor though?

That's a bad description. Some nights have cool like, antler hell. Yeah, dude. Armor, dude, I'm being gaslit. Take the tiny L. I'm being gaslit. Take the tiny out. I'm being gaslit. Take the tiny out. I'm being gaslit. Take the tiny out.

I do agree that while a fursuit would be a, would work in some ways that are defensive. Yeah. Just describing it as a suit of armor that would fit you perfectly. Yeah, a squirrel suit of armor. Is not, if you said squirrel suit of armor, then I agree. The suit of armor, yeah, I know, but the squirrel is silent. A suit of armor. Yeah. Not, if you said squirrel suit of armor, then I agree.

The suit of armor, yeah, I know, but the squirrel is silent. A suit of armor? Like the cousin. Is it quite cousin? Yeah. You find a suit of armor. Okay, let's hear the rest of it. Because I want to know what's wrong.

We haven't gotten to anything wrong. Yeah. He looked so proud of himself as he described a full squirrel costume complete with a giant taxidermied head and tail. Great. Yeah. He told me this magic item would grant me a climb speed equal to my walking speed.

I asked how much AC it gave me. And he said, it's just the same as basic leather armor, which Murph mentioned. This checks out. Yeah. Oh, this is unfortunately buttoned up. Basic leather armor is already what I have. As a level six genie warlock, I can fly whenever I want to buttoned up. Basic leather armor is already what I have. As a level six genie warlock, I can fly whenever I want to basically for free.

So what the fuck do I need a climb speed for? I raised my concerns after the session and he told me if I was going to be ungrateful, then he wouldn't give me what I asked for next time. I understand that deciding what loot to give out is the DM's right, but justices, you must realize that I never asked for a novelty onesie that provides exactly the same protection

as what I'm already wearing. Am I being a spoiled brat or did my DM go nuts for a bad joke? That's good. So it seems like they're mad that it wasn't an otter suit because that would have granted swim speed, which would have been nice. Or just like plate man.

I have great news. I found this from the homebrew pages, the Squirrel Folk Armor. Oh. It's a homebrew. So don't worry, your DM had to make this up. Squirrel Folk Armor is light armor that has been enchanted to make you lighter

and provide a small amount of combat flexibility. While you wear this, your AC is 11 plus your Dex modifier. You have a plus one bonus to your AC. Your base climbing speed equals your base movement speed and you have advantage on dexterity checks to climb. Chris. And what about a negative 10 to Charisma? Yes.

See, I feel like you could have given like some extra bonuses to the squirrel suit, like the ability to like bury. You didn't want a squirrel suit, Caldwell. Maybe, wait, I realized what's wrong. The player said, why did you call it a squirrel suit? Just say it's a Chippendale suit. Exactly. Say it's from the Chippendale brunch.

This is authentic from the Chippendale brunch suit. Chippendale brunch. This is authentic from the Chippendale brunch. Chippendale brunch? The character breakfast at Disney World. Isn't that a Disney thing or something? I think there's like a character breakfast. I don't know that they do brunch with just the snacks. This, this, and science has this. Chippendale brunch? Chippendale are definitely the character breakfast, Mer.

I know they're the character breakfast. They're calling it, do we not agree that calling it the Chip and Dale front is funny? I don't know what's chipping you up here. I don't know what's chipping you up here. If I had to do, I have to do. I get that they're at the character breakfast, but if I was just like the Donald and Goofy lunch,

it'd be just a little weird. If you go to the restaurant and you're like, I'm here like the Donald and Goofy lunch, it'd be just a little weird. If you go to the restaurant and you're like, I'm here to get brunch with Goofy. Yeah, I'm just here. I'm here to have a Layton lunch with Donald and Daisy Duck. Yeah, I'm eating Jafar for brunch. Yeah. Jafar here for second dinner or? Or is that just with Huey, Dewey and Louie? I like to get cocktails with Moana.

I need a lot of alcohol. Oh God. All right. Yeah, clearly you should be able to trade this in, but only for a different animal. I will say as this was being described, Caldwell had his hands up, like, why would you be upset about this? Because he loves, he just loves this idea so much.

I think it's possible that your DM misread you and thought you would like this. It's possible that there's something coming up that you're going to need a climb speed for. And the DM is like, but it's such an intense fashion statement. I feel like every magic item that you give, you have to be like,

if you really want them to use it, you have to be like, plus it morphs into however you want it to be. Right, it's also, yeah. As the DM, you do, again, as the person that kind of like can decide the fun to a certain extent, it is the difference between like

giving a squirrel suit to Caldwell Tanner or giving a squirrel suit to Jake Hurwitz. One is going to think it's very fun. And the other one is just like, I kind of don't want a hard one to wear a squirrel suit. He will wear it and be embarrassed by it as a bit. How difficult is it to carry it? He will wear it and be embarrassed by it as a bit. How difficult is it to carry it? Because it's very funny if it's like,

all right, I'll hang on to it. And then you find a situation where you need to climb speed and then you have to begrudgingly put on this girl's skirt. It's like technically honoring what they had talked about, but it's not because the warlock wanted AC. Cause they're- Right. They want it to be in the, in the melee.

But it's so, it is very funny. Well, you can put armor over the squirrel suit. Yeah. It's also the description of it being taxidermied is so funny because it's a huge suit, right? It's like a person. Yeah. How can it, what, how many schools died to make this? Because there's giant. Right, there's no way. Oh, like a dire, how many squirrels died to make this?

Because there's giant, there's lots of giant. Oh, like a dire squirrel short. Yeah. Okay, nose is buttoned up. Someone in like a rainbow wolf fursuit, like rolling into the dragon's lake. I do have a question, Merit. Does it specify in D&D if you can layer armor?

I believe you can't. They wouldn't let you do that. I mean, it would stop you from doing that. You couldn't wear like five sets of heavy armor and just have like the nastiest AC. Definitely not. We should have gotten some giant armor when we were in the frigid north. I think, yeah, leather armor and stuff is dependent on you being able to use your decks. And I think if you're over encumbered, you're not going to have high dex. Yeah, you're screwed. And you definitely can't just wear double plate mailated now. I knew the answer was no.

I kinda asked, because I assumed it would be funny to hear yours. Emily does bring up a good point though, which is like in Baldur's Gate, there's like an option where you can just turn off how the armor looks. If you're like, I just want like the vanilla look of the character,

because that's good. I do think you should have the option to be like, could I get this as like a magic pendant, or something like that. But they don't even, this squirrel suit was just them getting trolled. Well, they already have it. They have a fly speed. We, they have a fly speed?

They're a genie, they can fly. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, I didn't even think. Okay, well, now you found it though. You gotta hang on to it. You've been trolled. Because someone's gonna need it at some point. It is true that like, I feel like you've been given this gift and clearly somebody else in your party

is the Caldwell Tanner and wants this. Calling it a gift is a stretch I think. Yeah, you were trolling. I'm kind of wondering if you're, I genuinely wonder if your DM searched stupidest armor, comma, fivey. Yeah, I think maybe the DM thought that you were gonna think it was funny

and you kind of were just like, huh, okay. And then it made them upset and self-conscious, but it's definitely like not. No, I- Look, I guess technically the DM can put whatever they want in any of their treasure chests, but it's pretty clear that they were trying to set this up for you.

So they were trolling on purpose. I have an idea. I have an idea. So you wear it. You only half wear it. You're wearing the bottom of it, but it's, it's the, the top of it is kind of like tied around your waist. You know, really big jeans. Yeah. So that you don't actually look like you're wearing a full squirrel suit. Just half of one. And then when you're about to get into a fight, then it's so much shorter to put it on. You can kind of use your first turn.

To have the same AC. Yeah. The same AC and a climbing suit that you don't need. Really baggy hoodie, really big jeans, like a bucket hat. Yeah, okay. So like you just kind of look like maybe you're a squirrel folk or something.

Oh! That's fun. Or maybe you look like Alvin from Alvin and the Jet Mugs, because you got the baggy hoodie on. Jake's just completely silent, because me and Jake just want to look cool. Jake's quiet cousin over there. Can I look like Robert Baratheon?

That's the only animal on armor that I could handle. When he had an elk helm and a hammer. I'm just so tickled by this question, because it's like crystallized something in my being, where I'm like, every one of my characters could rock this world. Yeah, you would love it. And that's the question I'm goingled by this question because it's like crystallized something in my being where I'm like every one of my characters could rock a swirl suit. And I'm like that's the question I'm going to start with whenever I do character creation now. Could this guy wear a scroll suit? Could he rock a swirl suit? Always yes. There we go.

Stag is cool. I could do elk and nothing else. I think I can do anything for one episode. Here's the thing. I think getting armor is one of the easiest things because literally just everyone you fight has armor on. Like you'll just, you'll just loot this in a fight. That's a cool idea. Literally just like what kind of armor is this person wearing? You could also, it might be fun. It might be fun and funny to try to role play trading it. Are you gifting your armor. Yeah. Yeah.

It just seems like, yeah. But make it like really noble. Be like, I want you to have this squirrel. This was handed down to me. You put the squirrel suit in their hand and then put, push their little fingers over it. Like a thousand squirrels died for this. That's pretty fine.

I do think if you have like a DM NPC, you could definitely get the squirrel suit to them and make them wear it. So I don't think this is going to waste. Oh, that's really funny. I'm picturing Ken in the squirrel suit. It's very fun. I mean, I would hang on to that squirrel suit

because someday a climbing speed is gonna be fun for someone. Someone's gonna need it, even if it's like, like an NPC or something like that. But you should also get other armor. I know I definitely throw goofy shit in all the time, especially we're currently in a fair wild arc. So take everything I say with a grain of salt.

I put in lots of goofy shit. But I will say that usually things are funnier when it's just like someone who takes themselves very seriously, just like face plants, is much funnier than being like, I'm a little squirrel. Hey, hey. Right. Just being like, silly, I'm silly.

It's a troll gift based on the request, which was I want to be more involved and feel more activated on my turns. Yeah. I want to engage with your game more. I want to be on the front lines. Yeah, they just, the DM trolled you on purpose. Yeah, I mean, I think all of us fully are on your side here.

So now we need to punish your DM. The DM was under no- DM needs to wear a squirrel suit. The DM was under no obligation- DM needs to work a character brunch. Oh, they have to- Whoa. They have to introduce Chip and Dale brunch.

You have to play your next session at the character brunch. Yeah. I've got a very special guest for this arc. Chippendale, come on out. Yeah. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chippendale. Yeah, just to be clear, the DM was under no obligation to just supply you with a chest full of armor.

Right. But it's very strange to talk about it beforehand being like, let me get you what you need and then troll you. And then when you're like, ha ha, really though? They go, well, if you're not thankful, then I'm not giving you anything. That's true.

So that's why we're rolling against the DM. Not cause they didn't. They don't need to give you anything, but they also don't need to give you the squirrel armor. They don't need to tell you that they're going to give you something and then lie to you. Yeah. The only way this really works, I think,

is if the AC is like 22 on the Squirrel Armor. Yeah, if the Squirrel Armor just absolutely rocks. Oh my God, that would be so fun. And if it just took like, egg corns, then maybe it's cool. Right, it should be tough as egg corns. Yeah. That's a tough nut to crack.

A tough nut to crack, there you go. That's a pretty tough nut to crack, yeah. Yeah. You could get 16 AC on there, all right. I really like it. Yeah. We think it happened. I'm seeing acorn epaulettes.

I'm seeing almost like a coconut bra, but of acorns. Yeah, okay. You have to build your whole character around this now. Yeah. Now you look cool, so this isn't a problem anymore. Yeah. And yeah, oh wow, you could just fill the top part with acorns.

Yeah, we have maybe, if you needed to. Yes, if you needed to, yeah, oh wow, you could just fill the top part with acorns. Yeah, we have maybe, if you needed to. If you needed to, yeah. There's called, we'll try to make it uncool again. Yeah, I've got an acorn bra full of acorns. Tiny little acorn beanie. Okay, so ordered, our next case comes from Joel to the esteemed judges and bailiff Jake number two. That's Joel, actually. Joel, actually Joel.

Nice. Yeah, you mispronounced it. I swear to God, I did it to Joel. The name is Joel. So I don't know why he says Joel. Okay, come on. People are also named Joel, but this is Joe space. So can we stop for a second? We need to talk about this, Jake.

It's just like you normally are good with the pronunciation. That was kind of interesting because if it's Joe L then it's actually Joel But if it's the name Joel, then it's Joel, right? So which one which one? It is it is technically Joe. It's the one that makes me wrong. It's I mean, I think I'm right. Yeah, it is the way That you got they were thrown in L. I think I'm right, but it is the way. It's definitely the version that you guys think it is. They were throwing an L on the ends there. It capitalized just to make it look cool. One of Superman's Kryptonian cousins, Joel.

Yeah, go on. Go on. Okay, I will, I will go on. I wanna do this entire time. To the esteemed judges and the bailiff, Jake number two, I present to you the case of the salty shield spam bard versus the deceptive DMPC. Okay. Okay.

On a day where I didn't have time to DM a full session, my players asked if we could just run a non-canonical PvP in an arena in two teams. Oh, yeah. The PvP. I said I would be happy to adjudicate rather than use my DMPC, a rogue designed to support the party in combat,

but my players said that I should join in. At the end of the PvP, it came down to me versus Bard, designed to support the party in combat, but my players said that I should join in. At the end of the PVP, it came down to me versus Bard, who I couldn't hit because he kept using shield. Looking to get around this, I had my DMPC walk away 10 feet from the Bard, at which point he made an attack of opportunity, which he missed.

I then walked back up to him and made my attack, which hit. And when the Bard yelled, shield, I reminded him that he had already used his reaction. My rogue then did enough damage with sneak. Rules note, my ally was within five feet to kill the Bard and win the fight for my team. Judges, I cannot tell you how livid this made my player. Whoa.

He got so mad that he left the voice chat and didn't come back until the next session where he scolded me for using my knowledge of the game to my advantage. In a non canonical PVP? That's what this is. Yeah. I argued it wasn't even my knowledge of the game,

but rather my knowledge of him, knowing that he wouldn't be able to pass up an opportunity attack even though it wasn't his character's forte. This is knowledge that you've literally. If somebody got with this, I would just go, Oh, nice one. I'd be like, that's awesome.

Great fucking move. No dude, you're not supposed to use the fucking, your knowledge of how the game works to play the game. You're not supposed to do stuff. We're supposed to just stand there and see if you roll high. Yeah. You're supposed to guess, man. I would argue that using an opportunity attack,

that's good D&D knowledge right there. I feel like this wizard was trying to be clever being like, ah, ah, ah, opportunity attack. So you're one-upping them. That's fun. Yeah, it's a tet-a-tet. He eventually left the group for other reasons, but I still often wonder if I medded too hard

even for a silly non-canon fight. I humbly await your judgment. Especially when it comes to PVP, it's not like you're really sitting there role-playing. Literally you're playing Warhammer, essentially in that moment. Like you are, you're metagaming to a certain extent because you're sitting there

and you're fighting against other players. You know their characters to a certain extent. Also, anytime you're playing like a character who fights, they are probably learning how to fight and know how to fight and know some of the rules of fighting. Yeah. Like within the game, people would know that you can't swing and cast a spell at the same time.

They would have been in enough fights that they would be like, huh, I've noticed. Yeah, your character would know that to like, yeah. Especially a cunning rogue, who's like, whole thing is like reading people's movements and sneaking up on them. Yeah. Right, and this character also knows how the game works.

I feel like I've yet to hear a meta gaming complaint that I actually buy. Yeah, with the exception of people like, literally whipping out the book and like looking up character stats. That's the old meta gaming. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that would be, but that's different. Yeah, anything else I'm like,

your players are at your table, they're engaged, they're interested, they're talking strategy. I'm not gonna like get mad. Don't fault them for paying attention. Yeah, yeah. So the meta gaming arguments, typically, I'm gonna side with the person who doesn't care. Let's just go ahead and punish this bar.

Yeah, this is wild. I think I have a general rule, anytime you storm off and then later come back and your head's still. And you're still mad? You didn't just sleep it off? Not a good look. Yeah, because I mean, it's still wild. Like, again, I could see something like this happening,

Emily getting one over on me like this, and we've heard it on the show. I go like, god damn it, my guy can't use his cool shit. And then I lose, and that's just life. I would imagine it's a little different, because when you're a DM and they get one over on you, it feels so good. So I can imagine it's not precisely like a DM,

but I mean, I still, I think it's wild, but it's a wild reaction. I can't even justify it to be honest. I can't wrap my head around it. No, even with like, especially with like PVP and stuff and doing like teams or a free for all or something, somebody's going to get like targeted first. There's gonna be like three on ones.

There's gonna be like, how are you? And it's not canonical. It's just, it's a goopy thing you did one time. Yeah. It's also funny how like, metagaming is always like, you beat me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You weaponize knowledge.

Why did you know how to play at me? That's just a cool, yeah. That's just a cool moment. Yeah. I think that's fun. I think you, you know, honestly, they've already been punished. Yeah. You fucking punished.

But I do think that they should have to do a character brunch for everybody. Yeah, character brunch. Which character should they dress up as? Stitch maybe? Oh, Stitch. They go around, they sort of rattle the table. They make trouble.

Stitch is a Gen X. Yeah, Gen X Stitch. Gen X Stitch. You have to role play as Gen X Stitch. Yeah, you have to go around to different tables and talk to the dads and the special pumpkins. Say, do you remember when you could smoke inside at restaurants? Yeah.

And you know what? I think a lot of the, you know, a lot of the parents are millennials now. They're not Gen X. Yeah. Gen X has Gen Z kids. They're not, you know, yeah. Wow. Wow.

So it's going to be tough to be Gen X Stitch because the millennials are gonna be like, I don't know, I didn't really listen. I mean, I listened to Smashing Pumpkins, but not every millennial did, especially not the younger ones. Come on now. So you're gonna need to look for the older dads with the teens and college-age children.

Yeah. But they're probably not gonna be at the character brunch as much. Shit, you're right. Yeah, you're in it. And then you gotta imagine that management is watching this saying like, Gen X Stitch isn't landing with the brunch crowd.

And so then your job is suddenly precarious. And Gen X Stitch was such a hit like 10 years ago. Yeah. So maybe you switched up. Because all the dads were Gen X. They loved it. And you could tell them about the Smash Fakens. I could see this getting frustrating

and then storming off. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And then coming back the next day and being like. I could see this getting frustrating and then storming off. And then coming back the next day and being like- And still being mad. So then you switch it up and you do boomer poo. Yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, Winnie the Pooh. Oh, Winnie the Pooh.

At first I was just like, you shit as a boomer, what? We got there. Yeah, you're walking around without pants on, you're like, why is everybody so sensitive about this? Yeah. Boom-er-poo and Jenhex Stitch is the worst. Do you want to be this for Halloween this year? I call Jenhex Stitch.

What? How do you be Jenhex Stitch? You don't have to be boomer poo. You gotta be boomer poo. You're boomer poo. I just don't want to be boomer poo. Everyone vote right now. Should Murph be, raise your hand if you think Murph should be Boomer Poo.

God damn it. There's no video. Honestly, he already is. There's not a world where he's not Boomer Poo. I'm not fucking Boomer Poo. Sorry, man. You don't have the irreverence and sarcasm to be Gen X, bitch. Yeah, I can be Gen X Poo. What does X poo. What is Gen X poo listen to? Mud honey? Hello? Raise your hand if you think that Murph should be

Gen X poo. Oh, wow. It's a weak premise. What about that mud honey reference? You guys don't even know what mud honey is. Raise your hand if you're still feeling Boomer poo. Oh my god. Two hands way up for Boomer poo.

Emily's more of a boomer than me. Emily, you know more about like, Led Zeppelin and shit than I do. Yeah, I think that's actually Gen X too. What? No it's not. I think being into classic, that was your classic rock.

I know, I mean everybody's into classic rock, various things. Come on now. All right. Oh, that could be your catchphrase. Cause remember, Gen X Stitch owns a record store. So I actually know a lot of music. Yeah.

That's true. God damn, it's buttoned up. Buttoned up. It's unfortunately buttoned up. Buttoned up, unlike your pants, which you're not wearing. Yeah. Okay. Which are off.

All right, oh bother. Oh bother. Oh bother. Oh bother. Oh bother, why is everybody so sensitive? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I can't even use a plastic straw for my honey.

Ha ha ha. I'm not allowed to say honey anymore? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. You gotta be careful about who you say honey to. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Boomer Poos mad.

Back in my day, I used to say honey to the waitress. Boomer poo is so mad. OK, now this has legs. Unfortunately, Boomer poo has legs. Boomer poo has entered the NAD pod. Yeah, I'm in there. Yeah. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Every time a new shitty character squeezes their way into our terrible universe. Boomer boo has entered the voice chat. It's so fucking stupid because also, they're both technically owned by Disney, not even really because now- Oh yeah, it's in the public domain now. Oh, is it? That means we totally could do Boomer Poomers. Come back!

We can make Boomer Poomers! Holy shit! The Boomer Poom bucket hat, it's come- Holy shit. What I was gonna say is, it's so fucking stupid because Poo has like so many other characters that are like in his world. So to pair Boomeroo with Jet X, it's so fucking arbitrary. It's so arbitrary.

Yeah. Just a bunch of heffalumps and woke souls over here right yeah he's afraid of the woke souls that makes sense I don't remember who is wrong I don't barred boomer who broke my brain let's to buy Boomer Poo merch. Yeah, it's got legs. Everyone needs to work hard and get their own 100 acre floor. We have to move on, it has too many legs. It's just, it's too goddamn good. It's running away with us.

Boomer Poo. Boomer Poo is too good. Okay, so ordered. Please, yeah. So ordered, so absolutely ordered. Our next case comes from Zach M. Hello, pious justices and honorable bailiff, Jark. Oh.

Jark? Jark is a fun name. That should be your surfing name. Oh, that's true. Jark attack. Whoa, Jark. Jark attack. That's really good.

This case lies not during a D&D session, but before. I bring to you the case of the Mike's Harder. My D&D group has been playing for about a year and a half. We play at our DM's house. We'll go there about two hours before a session just to hang out and talk. Usually one of the players, generally myself or my boyfriend, will decide to get snacks or something to drink to have during our session. One day my boyfriend stated he wanted to go to the gas station and get an Icy. I decided to come with him.

Before we left, I asked everyone, including the DM, if they wanted quote anything. The DM stated that he was good and didn't want anything. When I was at the gas station, I walked by a beautiful can of Mike's harder lemonade and I decided spur the moment to get one. I hadn't previously known I wanted alcohol until I saw the luscious can of Mike's hard lemonade.

Sure. Yeah. When we arrived back at the house, our DM saw the Mike's harder and was upset. He said, is that a Mike's lemonade? Which I responded with, no, a Mike's harder. What is this a commercial? Jake, did you secretly sponsor this? So this is brought to you by Mike's Harder. Okay, okay, okay. You have to tell us.

The DM said, awesome move, dude. I guess I'll go back for some. The DM was jealous. We all enjoyed a cool, refreshing Mike's Harder. And everything was perfect. And we watched Deadpool in theaters. The DM then said, "'Well, if I knew we were getting alcohol,

I would have asked for some.'" That's interesting. Here's where the case lies, Justices. Our DM states that when asked if anyone wanted anything, this did not include alcohol. The other players and myself are on the side that quote, anything includes anything. We are very happy D and D family who still razz our DM

about this to this day, but should we let this razzing lay to rest? I humbly wait for your judgment. I think you should elevate it by always bringing Mike's hardener. Yeah, I think you should always bring one can. Is it, does it come in a can? Well, now that this is sponsored, yeah, so, of course.

There you go. Yeah. You can't drink just one. I'm gonna give a little, first off, you're right, technically, I do, though, think that, I think you give a little bit of a heads up, like, if we're partying, like, are we partying? I see.

Like, you gotta, like, let me know. I see. Let me know if we're, let me know if we're partying. Okay. It's, cause maybe, maybe I want to party. Maybe party with you. I was so distracted by thinking this was an ad and contemplating if it was secretly an ad

that I forgot that it's more like, it's more like, oh, I didn't know that you were gonna have a drink. I would go for like, I see. I'm going to get an icy and you just assume, and I get it, you shouldn't, you shouldn't assume. But you assume that everybody's just going and getting snacks and stuff.

Somebody comes back with alcohol, you're like, I didn't know it was that kind of party, maybe I would've had a beer. It's true, yeah. If I see someone with a drink, I'm like, oh, are we drinking? I didn't know it would turn out like that. Yeah, what's the vibe?

You gotta do a vibe check on the situation. Right, because that's the vibe, the vibe changes, right? Because if somebody comes back, if you guys all go out, right, and you're like, we're gonna go get Caldwell and Icy. And then you come back and everybody's got like, Tall Boys. I'm like, ooh, I said I didn't want an Icy. Or I guess I said I didn't want anything.

Right. But I think I would be like, what the hell, guys? But from the gas station, you don't really think of the alcohol being there. You're right, though, that it's like, if you all went out to get Icy's and then came back with Tall Boys, there should be like a, oh, actually we're picking up Tall Boys. Because it is a change of narrative. It's a change came back with Tall Boys, there should be like a, oh, actually we're picking up

Tall Boys, because it is a change of narrative, it is a change of tone. It's a change of vibe. It's true. It's a different. It's a vibe shift. You should get a chance in the group chat to text let's go with a lot of ohs.

Yeah, you gotta hit them with a let's go. And that means do you want anything alcoholic? Exactly, yeah. Yeah. That is true, because if someone said, do you want anything, it feels insane. If someone's not a gas station, and they said, do you want anything, it feels insane. If someone's not a gas station, and they said, do you want anything,

it would be insane to be like, yeah, get me a twisted tea. Yeah, can you just get? Yeah, cause you're not there, you're not seen. Can you get me one huge beer? But also think of all the friends that you haven't drank with before. That is a tough ask. It'd be so weird to be like,

yeah dude, get me a twisted tea. It's taking a claim for sure. Yeah, it is. Is twisted tea an alcoholic drink with before. It'd be so weird to be like, yeah dude, give me a Twisted Tea. It's taking a claim for sure. Yeah, it is. Is Twisted Tea an alcoholic drink? Yeah. Okay. We're not sponsored by it though. So just bring up Mike's Hard Limits.

We're not sponsored by any of these. Just bring up Mike's Hard Limits. I think Twisted Tea is disgusting. I need a Mike's Harder. No, we are not sponsored by any of these. We're only sponsored by Ingrid Orchard. Not the other ones. We're not sponsored by any of these.

I do think that it is a tough ask and we gotta think about that in the DM. Because if you're saying, hey, we're going to get an icy, we might grab some other stuff, we're going. I might not wanna, cause that is like, I don't know. You don't wanna be the one person that's like, yeah, grab me a six pack. I'm gonna severe drink by myself.

There's a permission structure with alcohol. Where you're like, oh, you're gonna drink, I'll drink. Yeah. And they're probably should be right because sometimes when people drink, There's a permission structure with alcohol. We're like, oh, you're gonna drink? I'll drink. Oh, okay, yeah. I'll have a drink. And there probably should be, right? Because sometimes when people drink, they act a certain way and it's kind of like, are we all opting in to being buzzed?

I really like being the diffuser in this situation. I always roll up with a six pack. And like, I put it in the fridge, people can have it if they want. I'm probably gonna have a beer too. I'm gonna have a freaking lager if I'm playing some D&D. Are you kidding? But that's establishing the vibe. Yeah, you gonna have a beer or two. I'm gonna have a freaking lager if I'm playing some- Are you kidding me? But that's establishing the vibe.

Yeah, you must be the vibe bringer. You know what? I think that we can actually rule against the person who submitted because I think that the fact that you showed up with just one alcoholic drink. Yeah, it's a vibe tease. It's a vibe tease. It is a little bit of a vibe tease.

The thing is, okay, so- It's a twisted vibe tease. That was obviously a generous read on the DMs part. But at the same time, it is the classic, like you say you don't want to make a name for it. What, now you're changing your mind? Murph, you convinced me only to abandon me. I'm just having interesting conversations here, okay?

I'm saying that- A debate, a public forum. Yeah, I'm trying to defend the DM saying like, here's a case for the DM. And now the case against the DM would be saying, you don't want anything is that you don't want anything. But I'm gonna say though, that like asking someone else to pick up alcohol, you never know what is their relationship with alcohol.

You can never assume that that's on the table unless you know that. True, true, yeah. I gotta say, yeah, I don't think that anyone's at fault here but I do think it is a kindness to when you're at the gas station, you text to pick the mic's hard and say like, I'm going hard tonight.

Yeah, you gotta let them know. And then they might say, I don't want mics harder. That shit sucks. I hate the way it's. Hey, all right, edit this out. Trevor, if you're listening, actually don't edit it out, just edit out Emily saying she doesn't like it.

It's so sweet that I get a headache from the sugar before I even feel the alcohol. Give me an angry orchard or nothing. All right, so edit the second part of that out. So she's just saying it's so sweet. In general, I fucking hate sweet drinks and I hate the combination of alcohol and sweetness. Establishing the vibe shift is important.

I think beyond that, it's the awkwardness of it would feel rude to ask someone for alcohol if they didn't offer. When it seems like a nice little trip, everyone's, people are like, we're gonna go get ice cream. Yeah. Does anyone need anything?

I wouldn't be like, oh beer. Yeah. It's true. But you don't give the DM a chance. Anything is way too broad. Way too broad. People came back with tall boys and I was like, I thought you were getting candy. I'll get a tall boy.

Imagine if you came back with a t-shirt and the DM was just like, I don't know you're getting t-shirts. Well I said anything dude, you could have asked for a t-shirt. And I would not be on their side. I would be like, that's wrong. You show up and you've been to a pet store and you all have geckos now.

I think this is gonna be a... I said anything. I believe the vibe shift precedent that we are setting here, I think it's going to be controversial. I think it is too. But I do think that we're... I'm starting to feel confident in this.

We can offer to re-litigate it, you know, like in future submissions, maybe this could come back up. Maybe we could hear from some people if they're like, actually, this is my perspective on the vibe shift. I'd be happy to read some public opinion, but I don't think it'll make me change my mind. Someone meet guest briefs. Let's establish the vibe shift precedent.

Okay, vice president. Anything is not anything. We know this, right? Yeah. You want anything you don't. That is in the narrow context of this gas station and the icy. Yeah, it's narrow context of the gas station.

I think like, yeah, you got us in the cheeky text. You gotta be like, actually, I'm going hard tonight. And as social, I'm plucking from the orchard. As social cowards ourself, we know that it's hard to ask for a drink if no one else is drinking. Yes, yes. It's vulnerable. Yeah. You confident people out there might not understand what we're talking about. All right. So we're rolling against-

Vibeshift slash social coward. Okay. So I think that the punishment here- What was it? What was an unearned razzing? What was the name of the thing we've used in the past? Wrongful Razz. Wrongful Razz. We're establishing a Wrongful Razz here. Yeah, yeah.

It's a Wrongful Razz. Yeah. Okay, so Wrongful Razzing. You need to go to the gas station and get some fresh, cool, refreshing, Mike Carter lemonade for your DM. And then you have to bartend in a Chip and Dale suit. Ooh, wait, like a Chip and Dale or Chip?

Chip and Dale. Isn't that both things? You're gonna be in like a Chip and Dale rescue in your suit, but it is gonna be sexy and you're gonna be right up on time. Ooh. Oh, interesting. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, I'm into that. I was gonna say like Dale's nose, but Chip's leather jacket. Whoa. That's a good combo. But new from the waist down. That's the hottest thing I've ever heard. It's super. Whoa. So sexy.

So sexy. So ordered. Our next case comes from CPL. Are Chip and Dale gen Z? Go on. Chip and Dale? No way. No, they might be boomers.

They're so old. They're boomers. What? They're from forever. Are you kidding me? Are they like ancient? I think they're timeless in a way. I think they're always gen Z.

Oh, well I guess, no, no,? I think they're timeless in a way. I think they're always Gen Z. Oh, well I guess, no, no, no, but they're actually. Well Stitch is like eight or something. Yeah, yeah. The Stitch president. But like within canon, Stitch is Gen X, we've established. I think well it does matter. Because of how long you spent in the gestation tube.

So that's an interesting, because Stitch does exist in a timeline, in almost like a modern world. I don't know anything about Chip and Dale. Do they live in a tree or do they exist in a normal world? I can't believe we're gonna get sidetracked. It's insane to me. It's insane.

You can't say that some cartoons are timeless in their age and then the others are born when they're drawn. But in Chip and Dale and DuckTales 2018, when they reboot it, are they a younger generation? Because they definitely existed through the film. They'll probably be acting that way, but we see through it. We know that they were incepted at a time.

Is Alvin and the Chipmunks nine? Is it possible that they're part of, is it called the greater generation? The great generation? Yeah, the greatest generation. Is it possible that Chip and Dale are from the Greatest Generation? Sure.

Did Chip and Dale serve? Sure. Did they serve? They were drafted, yeah. I think that's why Chip knows how to fly. Yeah. Is it? Okay, okay, let's answer our question.

Okay, CPL Thrawn writes, "'Esteemed and revered Supreme Crit Justices and ignoble Bailiff, I humbly ask for your ruling on the rejected side quest conclusion. For some background, I have been DMing a campaign for the last 14 years. Whoa.

Currently they're level eight. Yeah, so long running campaign. Level eight? They're level eight. Whoa. You are a tease, a twisted tease. What a grind. To allow players to try out other builds,

we occasionally play little adventures I call jump campaigns. It's a few adventures we may or may not go back to that's at different levels in different locations in the same world. Cool. It's great as it gives the players and myself a mental stimulation and has let me build out the world more great

I love that the incident in question was a one-on-one story I did with one player who happens to be my wife The story was done over discord over the course of a month It helped me understand some of the BBEG strategy more and build out how I wanted interplanar stuff to work She defeated the villain and I thanked her and told her that's where we would wrap it up. She responded with a simple, no. To keep things short for you, though not me, we are now about two years into this camp-

Whoa! What? It's not her only private campaign in the same world and I'm afraid that running three long running stories is affecting the quality of each. I do enjoy everything, I just don't want any players to suffer from my growing writer's block for all of these constant adventures." It's your wife. Can't you just say, hey, I'm feeling creatively tapped?

The answer was no. Happy wife, happy world. No is a complete sentence. It's just the wife playing this? It's a one-on-one solo? Wow. I guess some wives get it all. Ha ha ha ha. Jealous. Ha ha ha ha. You don't solo DM for Emily? I could.

You go, hey, Jake and Caldwell, do you solo DM for your wives? Of course, all the time. Really? I can't get Joe to respond to any of my texts or emails. I have time to do that. We have a really advanced role play about who's gonna use the car

and who's picking up the kid and stuff like that. It takes place in a world really similar to ours, but a day forward. Exactly. It's called Google Calendar. There's definitely, there's a part of this that is very nice, that's very sweet. Yeah, right? It's really like a That your wife likes your game so much.

She loves your story. Yeah. But you might have to, if you are feeling, you know, creatively drained by all of this, you probably do have to pull the plug on the one-on-one. Yeah, for sure. There's a very real possibility that your wife is doing this to be like,

nice and kind and positive. Or thinks it's like a razing thing of like, no, we gotta keep going with her. Yeah. You know? Also, she's clearly just having fun and that's a compliment in itself and probably wouldn't be insulted.

We'll continue having fun in other campaigns. Yeah. So I think, I don't think that there's gonna really be- Also you can decide if playing D&D together is something that's fun for you, you all to do one-on-one, you can do something where your wife DMs it if you are feeling drained,

or you can do something where maybe you don't have to prep, maybe you run like combat things for fun or something like that, there's lots of ways for you all to do it where you're not writing epic stories. Also, you asked to wrap it up and she said no two years ago. So she might be more open to it now. You've done two years. I also think like it's so,

it wouldn't be even rude or anything. It would be totally normal to be like, hey, I'm like feeling pretty depleted. I love playing with you one-on-one. What do you think about taking over the DMing? We can start a new thing. Like that wouldn't be like wrong. That would be like totally normal.

I also feel like you could just take this into the more casual realm. It sounds like you're just chatting about a world and a story, and it seems fun to just keep that going without the formality of it being a one-on-one solo D&D session. Just be like, hey, let's just talk about this. Let's go to dinner and we'll talk about this world.

Yeah, yeah. Em and I honestly do do that that where I don't give her any spoilers or anything, but we will be like, oh, what kind of like thing are you thinking for the, like what kind of adventure would you like to do or things like that? We talk about that stuff. Let her in.

Yeah, it's helpful. Let her into the DM realm. And especially if you're not, I mean, for us, there's certain limitations, cause I can't give spoilers, cause this is like a recorded thing. But if it were a home game, I'd be even more fast and loose with stuff. I'd be like, not going to tell you the big twists or anything like that,

but I think you're within your rights. This is wife's privilege. Yeah, you talk to your spouse about stuff. Not like cheating or anything like that, but it's like, would it be cool if there was a town that was kind of inspired by The Witcher or something like that? You could talk about shit like that. I know I specifically for Twilight Sync Torment was like, what kind of character do like The Witcher or something like like you could talk about shit like that. I know I specifically for Twilight Saint Torment was like what kind of character do you want to play?

Cause I know Murph like DM so much. So I really wanted it to be a character that he was like excited to show up and play. So I was like talking to him like what kind of character would you want to play? And then I kind of built the world around what he wanted to play. Yeah.

And same thing with the Feywild of campaign three is M came to me with like. Oh, a bunch of pitches. With pictures of things that like, these are things that Callie remembers from like her childhood. What's cool, what's not. Yeah, yeah.

Cause I was like, I wanna know stuff from my childhood, but like, I don't wanna, I don't, it felt like too high of stakes. And also since we'd been to the Feywild before, I didn't wanna be like, I didn't wanna totally moonshine and throw curveballs in there. Although that is also funny. I also feel like there's a lot of prepless world building games

that you two could play together. They have a quiet year. There's like one specifically about like planetary world building. I can't remember the name of it right now, but like there's a lot of these games out there that like don't involve as much prep or more about just collaboration and storytelling together. So if you're looking to shift things up, I think you could do that for sure.

I think ultimately, probably, if it's anything like me, what burns me out is having to prep a lot, having to do a bunch of sessions. That's what's hard. If I wasn't prepping, if it was just a, we're gonna do this one-off and we're gonna use this other system that's what's hard. If I wasn't prepping, if it was just a, you know, we're going to do this one off and we're going to use this other system, that's maybe a little bit simpler. I don't know that I'd be burned out in the same way. I think that that might be a little easier for you. So maybe say, you know, I need a little time off from all this, all this homework. I think it'd be

interesting to find out if she's like, if you're just like, do you want to try DMing? Yeah. She might just be like, yeah, actually. A bunch of solutions here. I think, yeah, you've got a writing partner right there. Unleash the power of wife. Yeah. This is all really nice constructive feedback and advice, but somebody needs to be punished. That's true.

So I do think it's maybe the wife. Yeah, that no is pretty firm. Yeah. Yeah, we're gonna have to punish the wife to DM. Yeah, there we go. We did it, wow. It's perfect punish the wife to DM. Yeah, there we go. We did it. Wow. It's perfect.

We saw an actual happy ending. Yeah. Except you do have to. If anyone wants to wear a squirrel suit and you want the character to run, you're also allowed to do that. We have some DM ideas here. The wife does have to put a squirrel suit in it,

it has to be sitting Ravenloft with no birds and Boomer Pooh needs to be DM'd soon. Boomer Pooh needs to be Strahd's right-hand man. Yeah, Boomer Poo replaces Strahd. Oh, he bought Castle Ravenloct for $5,000 in 1987. His father bought it and he inherited it. Yeah! Ah, that's so fucking funny.

Okay, that sounds awesome actually, so ordered. And with that, we actually have, we've got another doozy of a confession. Oh, doozy. Two very good ones this week. Five titties flapping in the wind, right? Whoa, okay. Why five, why five, go on.

I don't know, but remember this name as I read the question. Cool. Greetings to the illustrious, oh no, what is this word? Inimitable? Inimitable. Yeah, that's a tough one. Inimitatable, is that what they mean?

Yeah, inimitable, yeah, okay. Wow, boy, yeah, I don't know. Silubrious. That word, yeah, yeah. Justice's. Silubrious. Silubrious, Justice's, A, T, and M. Yeah, I do, we're healthy. And the beloved baby bailiff, Jakey Cakes,

I have scenes to bear before you. Two years ago, I joined a friend's long running campaign as a level 10 wizard. Through some lucky stat rolls and feats, I was able to reach 20 intelligence with ease for that sweet maximum spell casting stat. In our first battle, I reflexively pulled up a monster stat block to see which of my spells

would be most effective in dealing with this creature. Tsk, tsk. We were just talking about this. We were. The only metagaming that we're against. The only metagaming that we're against. Later, I realized that this sort of information wouldn't be known to a PC without some sort of spell,

check or boon from the DM. But instead of resolving to do better and or confessing my sins, I decided to sin fully and did this for every encounter and every monster. I don't know about this. The left hand path. Shame on you. Both preemptively and actively in game.

Jesus. I rationalize that since 20 intelligence represents the limit of knowledge for most mortals and my character was a researcher. Listen to your words. Even you know I rationalized. Justices, to be clear, I am not asking for forgiveness because I don't regret it.

You're just bragging. You're not getting it. There's two types of confessions that we get. Either people that are just like, okay, it was my grandma's first ever time playing D&D and I crit on her and instead I said it missed. Do you think that I am still a good person? And we're like, yes, of course. And then there's other people that are like, I'm lying to all my friends. and instead I said it missed. Do you think that I am still a good person?

And we're like, yes, of course. And then there's other people that are like, I'm lying to all my friends. I make the game not fun. I cheat and I'm not sorry. Wait, I want to hear the end of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead. Right, so to be clear,

I'm not asking for forgiveness because I don't regret it. I'm tracing the call as you're doing this so we can locate this person. But if you happen to have meta knowledge of an encounter or a monster as a PC through out of game research or past experiences, how do you avoid acting on that knowledge?

I await your judgments from the ninth level of hell, all hail Dice Devil and the birth of the anti-Dice. I like their energy, but you didn't have prior knowledge. You had present knowledge. You are the anti-dice. I think there's a big difference between looking it up, like between being like, oh, I've run this as a DM before and being like, oops, I looked up the monster we're fighting.

How could I possibly avoid having Googled the monster we're actively fighting? It's so different, because, you know, I don't know, as a DM, if I see like, if I'm a player, right, and I see a blue dragon, I'm like, okay, it's got lightning breath. I would know that, but I don't know how much, I can't off the top of my head think of what a young dragon,

how much HP they have, or what exactly their AC is, or what their weakest stat is. I couldn't tell you that, and I've run blue dragons a bunch. It's also like there are skills in the game for this. Like doesn't battle master have a thing where you can like reveal information like that? For sure, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you can use a point to see through their defense. The sad thing about this is that I'll bet had you brought this to your DM, you probably could have had this to a certain extent without cheating. You probably could have brought this to them and been like, I'm a researcher. I have 20 intelligence. Can we add something? Can we homebrew something where I can learn? But that's not what they wanted. This little, this naughty little heel.

Didn't want to do it above the board. If any of you came to me with that. The anti-dice. We did something like this in Elder Mourn, where Fia had her book of monsters. Oh yeah. That was like the bestiary that you could, if you did a good enough history check and stuff, you would be able to look and find some things about it. Right. Right, right.

This person is one of the four horsemen of the Dice Apocalypse. Yeah. The Pale Roller, I named you. Yeah. The Pale Roller. All right, well we can't forgive you because you're not sorry. the four horsemen of the dice apocalypse. The pale roller, I name you. The pale roller. All right, well, we can't forgive you because you're not sorry. I can't forgive you, but I also can't fault your energy.

You know, if you're gonna be that naughty. You admit to being the anti-dice. Call yourself the anti-dice, then let's do this. May your dice chip and shatter. Yeah, there's nothing we can do for you. You're beyond saving. May dice Christ have mercy on your soul. And ours for having heard your story.

Shit, okay, yeah, we can dim you, I guess. Yeah. Is this our first condemning? This is kind of fun, yeah. Wow. We rebuke thee, we rebuke thee. You have to move to Ravenloft, that's of course being taken over by Boomer Poo.

Yeah. No birds for you. Well maybe you are Boomer Poo. Really? This is Boomer Poo behavior. Boomer Poo has it good though, is the problem. Yeah, and Boomer Poo doesn't understand TTRPGs. Yeah.

Okay. Those are for Satanists. Yeah, but we're for you again. Then fine, you have to be Boomer Poo's roommate. Yeah. Poof. P these guys. Then fine, you have to be Boomer Pooh's roommate. Yeah. Pooh-poof. Pooh-mate. Pooh-mate.

Yeah, all right, so punished? That was weird. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-d Done, done. Court is back from recess. Where's your attention? That is our theme song. Wow, yeah. That's fun. You know, I've always wanted to pay royalties. Yeah. I've always said that the dungeon court theme

isn't copywritten enough. It'd be nice to get sued as well. It's just missing that little bit of copyright. You know what I mean? It's like a little sprinkling of copyright. It'd be great. Start judging the case. Wow.

I think it's worth the royalties. Wait, wait, wait. I got the next line. I'm judging a case. I'm gonna judge a case of a New York. Oh wait, grit court. Grit court. Grit court.

Grit court. Grit court. Grit court. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Grit court. Oh wait, Crit Court! Crit Court! Crit Court! Crit Court! Crit Court! Crit Court! Yeah, that's good. That's good. Crit Court! You could leave New York in too, with New York Crit Court, so it's kind of like.

Yeah, New York Crit Court! If anyone wants to make this, please do. Yeah, please do. Sinatra's estate, suing me, can you believe it? I got their attention finally. Ruining me? Now. Ruining me of all people? state suing me. Can you believe it? I got their attention finally. Ruining me. Now you notice me. Okay, hear ye, hear ye.

Crit is still in session. The honorable Supreme Crit Justices, Axford Murphy, Cartwright and Tanner are still presiding. Jasper just dabbed. He dabbed. We have to confess. We must acknowledge it. Wow.

All right, well, definitely with that, we can kick things off. Wilson C. writes, may it please the court and have some lesser effect on Bailiff Jake? Thank you for that. Whoa. Nice. Okay, we were being really nice to you,

but that was a really funny one that now I'm turned around. I just have crick-cort in my head now. Crick-cort. Crick-cort. Crick-cort. Crick-cort. That was a really funny one that now I'm turned around. I just have Crit Court in my head now. Crit Court! Crit Court! Crit Court! I wanna wake up in the Court of... That has the songs. In the Critty! I wanna wake up in the Critty!

No, my version is perfect. I'll wake up in the Critty. That never... Something... Crit. This isn't on us. Someone else has to do it for us. Yeah. that never crits. This isn't on us. Someone else has to do it for us.

Yeah, we're not improvisers or anything. Why should it be good? None of us are musicians. Well, the problem is we are improvisers, but we're jaded improvisers who now think that unfunny things are funnier. Yeah, that being not funny is funny. I agree.

Okay, Wilson C. writes, may it please the court, have lesser effect in Bailiff Jake. Yes, yes. I submit to you the case of the Impossible Song. Whoa, holy shit, they're talking about this one. Oh! Oh!

How did they know? I am DMing a modified Lost Mine of Fan Delver campaign for an experienced group of three players. There you go. To initiate an encounter with the Red Brands, the Ruffian antagonists in Fandalen. Delver campaign for an experienced group of three players. There you go. Yeah. To initiate an encounter with the Redbrands, the Ruffian antagonists in Fandalen. Oh, I'm familiar.

Yeah. The party sent in its bard wearing a Redbrand cloak to parlay before launching an all out attack. Nice. Decent, decent. Love the strategy. The bard, my brother, tried to convince the Redbrands that he was in fact a member of the West Haven Redbrands, a distant chapter of their organization.

To prove this, he offered to quote, sing the Redbrand theme song. I, oh, okay. Oh, that's a swing. This is a good old fashioned Caldwell Tanner digging. Yeah. Digging yourself a hole that didn't need to be dug. It's so unnecessary.

This hole was made for me. It was 100% fine. As the DM, that alone, I'd have been like, okay, yeah, you came and were in the poke. You had some basic knowledge. I'm fine with this. Wait, why did you bring up the song? This is what disadvantage was made for.

There's no need to, why did you bring up the song? You've made it harder, I don't understand. You've done this, you didn't need to. Coldwell, why? You've made it impossible for me to let you win. I'm gonna give this a good old fashioned coldwell wine. Yeah. Yeah.

This mouth was made for putting shoes in. I had not established that there was a Redbrand theme song or that the party had heard any such song. Of course. Yeah, obviously. Much too late for that. Nevertheless, he rolled a performance slash deception check and got a 23, 18 on the die plus five.

I ruled that 23 was still too low to convince the Red Brands that whatever song he played on the bagpipes was the Red Brand theme song. You're brother's nothing if not a character. Sorry, the bagpipes as well, that's huge. The encounter delved into combat, which the party won. I still feel guilty about whether a 23 should have been good enough to allow the bard to pass off the song. I humbly submit the judgment of this honorable court.

Okay, here's what you do is that like the 23, I agree. You're looking at a number that you're like, okay, this has to succeed somehow. There is a way that they hear this song and they're like, we gotta fucking talk to the West chapter. What the fuck are they doing over there? That's what I'm saying. I almost would have had it work in that way.

Where I would have had to be like... And that they believed it was real, but didn't like it. They don't know the song. They're just like, why is, why does the West chapter have this goofy song? I wonder whether the DM, in the DM's mind, because I've done this a couple of times where like someone basically doesn't ask, like, Caldwell doesn't ask, when, like, effectively would like change something in the world slightly.

And I'm like, I will let you almost convince me with a high enough role to just like change something in the world. So maybe this DM was like, if you hit a 25, I'll just make that the song. And they didn't quite get to that. It is like somebody else playing with your action figures wrong.

We're just like, excuse me. That's not what my cool friends do. But then they actually like, they do a do quite a cool set piece with your action figures and you're like, okay, I'll let it happen. I also think it's very fair that you as the DM were like, it would be such a high DC for this to actually be real. But I do think that there was a middle ground where it wasn't real to them, but they believed that it was real from the West

chapter. I think M's dead on here. I think there's two ways to deal with this, which is either you say the DC out loud, where you're like, hey, this is crazy. You need to hit a DC 25 check or something like that. And I think that that's fun for everybody because then it makes it a gamble.

Instead of when somebody gets like a 23 and misses, oftentimes they feel like you're cheating. You screw them over. But once you set those boundaries, I think it makes it a lot more fun. And then the other way is just to be like, you said a crazy thing. That's literally what disadvantage was made for. Have them roll with disadvantage. And then if they still, we've had this happen on the show many times where it's just like, you guys say something crazy and then if they still we've had this happen on the show many times We're just like you guys say something crazy and then you roll an 18 and a 20 and I just say This person fucking thinks you're great Those are fun moments, too It's also a good way to though like even if you just have them be like, okay, we believe you but we don't like you

It's a good way to be like, okay you rolled a 23, you don't get the full consequence of this insane plan. But like, you also aren't gonna just skate right through with a 23 and a bad plan. Totally. I think the DM is a coward. Okay, okay. They did not set a DC. A 23 was rolled.

The song was sung. That is now the official theme song of the Red Brands. The official theme song of the Red Brands. Jasper brings up an interesting point, which is I also think that some tables care more about when somebody like quote unquote messes with the DMs world. Some people really don't like that. I find it pretty easy to just be like,

yes, there's a Ruby Tuesday, so that's fine. It's off to the side, it's fucking fine. So I was gonna find that Ruby Tuesday. It's around. We already did, we had TGI Sky Days. It only becomes a problem then, when we're like, oh, and we all wanna become waiters there. Yeah, and it's just like, no.

I think the problem is this is someone improvising something that the DM doesn't have as part of the world and expecting to succeed because of it, right? So I think it's fair to set a higher DC for that, but I think that there are gradients of success below that DC. And again, it's about precedent as well, because also I'm not going to have you rock up

to every like faction, bad group, whatever, and be like, oh, but I know I can draw the crest. And then you draw a penis on a piece of paper, Roller 25, and that's now the crest of these War Mages or whatever, you know what I mean? Yeah. I do think though that Em brings up a good point that was, I mean, obviously if somebody's drawing a dick

or something, you're just like roll a 35 yeah DC 35 and they just love the dick The whole party's like DC 35 we can get One problem with doing yeah one problem with setting it up that you like, you know what the DC is, is the party will then fucking go on together. But if the party all wants it that much, then like, I'm okay with that. Yeah, the whole party working together, that seems like whatever DM wants.

Yeah, that's true. The players all setting up the womp dominoes to fall right into your lap, like what could be better? Yeah, I think saying the DC Out Loud always just makes it fun. But yeah, you can just be like, these guys don't believe that this is their theme song, but they believe that you come from a weird chapter

that does have a theme song. That they're literally going to go ransack. It also thematically makes sense that they wouldn't know what this distant chapter of the Red Brans does. Yeah. Yeah. What does it sound like? Your brother playing the bagpipes also.

I think that's what it is. When you write it, you're like, please the song on the bagpipes. I'm like, okay, the DC just went up by two. The DC was a 23 until they brought out the bagpipes in order to do it. And they were like, yeah, no way. Yeah, I think the DM needs to be severely punished

maybe the DM has to be woken up by someone playing the bagpipes right next to them every morning for a week yeah you need to learn you need to learn the red York, New York crit version. So we can use it as our new theme. With a bagpipe full of croissants. Or just take the croissant. Or you can just take a croissant thing. And that'll... You won't have to buy bagpipes or whatever. I can almost guarantee somewhere in Scotland you can find a set of bagpipes that looks, like the bag looks like a croissant or something.

I can guarantee that. That's funny. That's cheeky, I like that. That's cute, as long as it's flaky. Yeah. I am kind of in the middle on this case because I think I would not have, I would have been like, you absolute maniac,

roll with disadvantage or something, or I would have said the DC or something like that. But that being said, I think if they rolled a 23, I would have been like, cause these are pretty low level, like I've played Minds of Fandelver. These guys are like pretty low level, like bandit dudes. I would have just been like,

oh, it's the West chapter, you got it, you know? Yeah. I think it's fair to, like the way that you're describing it, it's fair to not fully embrace it with a 23, but you could find ways to give it. Yeah, you could even role play like these guys feel so embarrassed for you that you can tell they feel bad for you and don't want to hurt you. Yeah, and I definitely think with a 23, I could definitely narrate a situation where they're like, you know what, that's such a big swing, surely you can't be lying.

You know what I mean? Like that's so unhinged if you just made that up. So that'd be like, okay, probably. Honestly, like, sure. This is weird, but fine. This is something that Murph is really good at, which is like letting you succeed, but making fun of you at the same time.

What? They feel so bad for you, but making fun of you at the same time. What? They feel so bad for you. They could possibly beat you up. They feel so bad for you. They don't want to engage with you anymore. And they walk away. They just die. Eye contact. Yeah.

Tap this. Do you need some cocoa as well? That's the struggle with Hot Boy Summer, is getting any NPC to like you guys. Yeah. That's true. with Hot Boy Summer, is getting any NPC to like you guys. Yeah, that's true. It's like so difficult. I'm like, I'm like how, I like have to like do mental gymnastics to be like, how could these people who are actively alienating everyone?

But I think you handle it brilliantly because you do do this where it's just, they give us the information but they clearly don't like us. Yeah. Yeah, they're trying to get away as quickly as possible yeah they're giving the information just to be rid of you if I tell you you'll leave me alone yeah it's a hostage situation certainly yeah I'm sure there are people listening who you know obviously play by the play by the like, don't mess with the DMs world. That's like a big no-no. So there are definitely people out there who are like, absolutely, I would never do this.

Punish everyone who does. I think that this is kind of just... I like it. It's collaborative. It's just kind of silly and collaborative. It's collaborative. You sounded like a little amused by it. It sounds like everyone was having fun.

You look back, you're like, maybe I should have made it work a little more. And that's cool. And then use disadvantage if somebody does something like this in the future, I would say. It sounds like everyone was having fun. You look back, you're like, ah, maybe I should have made it work a little more. And that's cool. And then use disadvantage if somebody does something like this in the future, I would say. The fun part about this is in like three sessions, you can bring back like the West Haven Red Brass. They're like, we heard you were telling people

our secret song. Yeah. They all have backfights. That's so funny. Yeah. Bring it, or they're like, you've been peddling a bastardized version of our song. You will sit down and learn the actual one. They pull out their bagpipes

and blow poison darts at you. Yeah they're so deadly. Yeah your brothers made a horrible enemy. Yeah, that's a good punishment. Yeah, you got to do that. Because we're kind of on your side, but I think we are going to rule against you, maybe. Yeah, I think so. I think we'll rule against you. I think you should create the West red brands and have them be bagpipe assassins. And also, I think that if it's used in game, it bolsters your enemies. It's actually so good because you rolled a 23, that that song, if you play game, it bolsters your enemies. Like it's actually so good, because you rolled a 23,

that that song, if you play it, bolsters the red brand. Like all the grunts get like advantage from next minute, because they're like, yes, this is our song. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. We love this shit. Yes! Rikkor, Rikkor. Bitch! Yes!

Rick or, Rick or, Rick or, and the critty with high D.C. and the critty with high D.C. And the critty with high D.C. And the critty with high D.C. And the critty with high D.C. God, we should be a lounge act. God, we should be a lounge act.

Oh my God, someday, we can only dream that we have like a Vegas show where we saunter about stage and occasionally roll a die. Oh yeah, in a tuxedo with a tie always on top. Emily's laying on top of the piano for some reason that we have like a Vegas show where we saunter about stage and occasionally roll a die. Oh, yeah. In a tuxedo with the tie always on. Emily's laying on top of the piano for some reason, even though she's the only one who can play the piano.

And like, I kind of need you down here. Or just sloshing martinis everywhere. The first row has to wear raincoats. Absolutely piss drunk. Off to the show. Everyone hands out their quassels for us to sign. I choke two separate times on the olive in the martini.

What? Like 15 minutes apart. They're too dirty. They're way too dirty. We have to stop the show. Security has to come out and dislodge it. It's not even like a Heimlich maneuver. It's like really graphic.

They have to like put their fingers in your throat. And we just casually call for it because it happens so often. With so unbothered on stage. Thanks for filling out everybody. Emily's trying a little red in the face and she's gone quiet. Security, get the olive out of her trachea.

Yeah, that one went down with the pick. Be very careful. Ooh. What a great show. Kadoodle-kaday. We're all suddenly 70 years old. That's what I'm saying. We're all wearing like sequined suits.

Yes. I've got a rough, I definitely got one of them like frilly rough things like for absolutely no reason. I want a sequin suit so bad. Me too. God, that'd be great. Although sequins are so painful to wear.

You don't wear them on the inside too. But I'm saying like the arm hole, it will scrape you. It will be painful for my haters to see me in an outfit that hot. That's what you need. I think you should wear like Under Armour Long Johns Yeah. Yeah. I think you should wear like, Under Armour Long Johns underneath. Yeah, I think you have to wear like a turtleneck underwear.

Under Armour 70 year old Coldwell wearing a sequin suit. And with Under Armour. You can see it through his white shirt. You see the hue. You can see the big like neon green Under Armour compression shirt. Everyone that wears a ball gown also is wearing Under Armour.

That's a fact. Anytime you see it, yeah. That's what they did in Victorian England. They all had Under Armour on them. Oh my God. Underneath the collars. They're all wearing compression clothes. Okay.

Just picturing the turtleneck holding up my jowls. Jake continues. Yes, so ordered, I guess. Rene W. Rene W. writes, Hi Rene. I'm a newish DM running a game for my parents. My mom, a druid, bought a Staff of the Python, which is cool and wonderful, but hugely overpowered for level five.

She can summon a giant constrictor snake at will. This past weekend, we played one session over two days with a dungeon crawl and then a boss battle. Right before we started the second session, I told her that I wanted to change her staff to once per day use as she had already used it to demolish one of my bad guys and I didn't want them to defeat my BBEG too easily.

Here's the thing, you can't take stuff back from mom. No. You can't. BBEG too easily. Here's the thing, you can't take stuff back from mom. Nope. You can't. Yeah. She accepted, but turned red and seemed a bit embarrassed. And I immediately felt bad, like I took something away

from one of my players right before a big battle. We had a great session, there were no hard feelings, the ending was exciting and they defeated the BBEG. However, I still feel bad and can't help but think I should have handled that differently, though I don't know what would have been better. I beg for the wisdom of the judges and the mercy of the court. Thank you.

I have the solution. Mm hmm. In the next session, emancipate yourself and you don't have to have parents anymore. That's great. That's one option. But I think in the next session, you see a rustling in a bush and then something small and yellow emerges. It's holding a staff of the python and its goggles glint in the sun.

B-da-bee, papaya. It says, and now your mom has not just a staff of the python, but also a minion companion. Wow. Give her more stuff. Yes. Apology minion. I'm reading the staff of the python.

And at the end it says, if the snake is reduced to zero hit points, it dies and reverts to its staff form. The staff then shatters and is destroyed. So you can kill that snake. So you can kill the snake. So I think that it's a one-time use. I think that if the snake dies... That's it.

...then the staff shatters. I could be reading it wrong. Yeah, it does. And it's only challenge rating two. I mean, it's definitely tough. What did they, did they say they were level five? What level were they? Level five.

That's what I'm trying to figure out. The snake shouldn't be that big a deal. You gotta make harder encounters. Yeah, I think so. You gotta just make harder stuff. I think level five to have the snake, it isn't the hugest thing. And I think you can work with it. Yeah, you could have, I think so. You gotta just make harder stuff. I think level five to have the snake, it isn't the hugest thing, and I think you can work with it.

Yeah, you could have, I think, just pretended, essentially, that this is just another player at the table. You should just have been like, you're treating your mom with kid gloves, I think. Yeah, the snake is a party member. The snake is Balnor. Although your mom sounds very nice, like she was understanding and everything,

it's just that she wasn't very nice. Especially after you absolutely destroyed her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got her with your bee bag, so I don't know what the big deal is. Yeah.

I think you need to make her breakfast in bed. You need to give her an extra mother's day this year. Give her a real snake in bed. Oh, an extra mother's day. Yeah, give her an extra mother's day. That's smart. That's actually a good idea Give her a real snake in bed. Oh, an extra, an extra, an extra mother's day. Yeah, give her an extra mother's day. That's smart. Or a loose, or a loose snake. Yeah.

Mom, I felt really bad, so I let loose a python in your house. I let loose a real snake. I know you liked the snake so much, so, and I can't give it back to you in game now, because it would be really obvious. So I just let a snake loose in your house. Yeah. It won't go to staff form unless you freeze it. It might be tricky. I mean, I definitely ran into this problem in Bohemian.

The first campaign of just giving the characters way too good of stuff. Yeah. But then it was just like, I can't take the stuff back. I can't take it away. I just had to make it just all the bad guys have 400 HP. You're all just so fucking hard. It's so funny because in Hot Boy Summer,

I gave you guys so much shit that you never even used. That's true. Really? You guys really could be stuck, would have been so overpowered. In the most recent one, I gave you guys like, things to get extra temp HP. What? Oh yeah.

There were, there's been other things that I've thrown in your way. Dave used his retainer. Dave used his retainer. I think it's just funny hearing you lament that and me being like, I was lamenting that my players didn't use their items. Yeah. Gave you so many toys. It does seem like there's a way to tweak this, because it seems like your mom likes the snake staff.

I think just maybe nerf it a little bit, but make it essentially like a companion or a familiar. What if now? I have an idea. So you nerfed it, and she was kind of disappointed, but understanding what you can do is maybe start, when she summons it the once a day, you can start having, like, doing sort of like role play animal handling with it.

And if she starts building a bond with it, then she can use it more times per day. That's cool. Yeah. Since the staff of the Python is, it's just a one time thing. It's literally, if the snake dies, then it's gone forever. Yeah, you could talk to her and strike a deal and be like hey this is how it works so the snake might get in trouble at one point or If you want it we can do a like just a giant snake instead of a giant constrictor snake or something like that

We just de-power it a little bit. Yeah, but it like can always regenerate Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that's like pretty brutal though that like to go from it I feel like you can't you can't backpedal the snake stats, but maybe you can make it so that the snake kind of levels up with her. Yeah. I just have such trouble picturing a scenario where like I'm playing D&D with my mom, and I feel like I would do anything to like maintain that. Like this fantasy where my mom is interested in playing D&D is like so wild to me. They're like, if I can like facilitate it in any way,

I'm going to give her as many snakes as she wants. When my mom played, she was like, I don't want to fight anyone. She played a healer and she wouldn't do any damage. She would only heal. But she did unleash huge snakes onto the battlefield that killed everyone. If you're playing with your mom,

all of the balancing needs to be done on your end, right? You can't put them in and be like, okay, so here's what we need to do to your character. Like, just take it on yourself. In this house, we love D&D moms. In this house, we play D&D with our moms. Yeah. Yeah, I think-

Snakes are staffs, we play D&D with our moms. I think you did your mom a little dirty here. I think it's not- But I think there's a way to, rather than just undoing what you did, Snakes are staffs, we play D&D with our moms. I think you did your mom a little dirty here. I think there's a way to, rather than just undoing what you did, make it kind of like a narrative role play thing that she can get excited about. That seems like a really great idea. That's like a really clever seamless way to kind of retcon this, I think. Yeah, I think so treat the snake like it's another party member. Yeah. And bring your mom a croissant in bed. And kill it if you must. Definitely a croissant in bed.

And then after she's done eating, pour the crumbs on yourself. And go lay out and let the ravens peck you. And do it outside. Do it outside because these birds should not be in your mother's house. Or should we fill the croissants with rats so that Boa constrictors will come and eat the rats? Wow, you'd have to look for really specific areas. The rats need to be loose though. Yeah, that's true. We can't put the rats in anything.

Otherwise they're not. They can't stay in the house. They need to be loose. They need to be loose? Okay. Rats ride loose. Rats ride loose in this house. They have to ride loose.

Rats aren't even in the house because that would not be loose. You know what I mean? They have to just be outside. I'm not in anywhere. You have to roll down the windows if you have them in your Uber. Four walls and a ceiling? No, no thank you. Not for my rats.

So maybe it is a situation where it's like rats and croissants. So you're attracting birds and snakes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. So ordered,, yeah. Cool. So ordered, I suppose. We've been getting a lot of so ordered, I suppose. I guess.

Because it started with the put, like bring your mom a croissant and ended with put rats into croissants. So. No, no, no, no, we ruled against that. Yeah, we ruled against that. We ruled against that. We know that the rats are too big.

We so ordered for real. Keep up, man. Not I suppose. There you go. Look, we're not owed to that. We're real against that. We so ordered for real, man. Keep up, man. Not I suppose. Look, this has all been normal. Everything is fine in this court. This is a rat court, not a kangaroo court. How else are you gonna get the snakes there, Balef? That's all I wanna know.

At the bottom of the sign, it should say everything is normal. Everything is normal. Everything is normal, okay? Question mark. Rats ride loose if you throw a croissant at me over his charges, everything is normal. Crazy nice cries. Definitely so ordered. Alaina, our next case comes from.

Alaina writes, dearest respectable judges and the guy whose name I think starts with a J. Nice. You're the guy. You're the guy. Still being nice to me. Not a guy. The guy. Totally. You're the guy. You're the guy. Still being nice to me. Not a guy. The guy.

Totally. Get him. They got my initial. So that actually meant a lot. Get him. I was a long time DM. I just keep saying that for the whole time. Get him.

Dude, I'm trying to read. I was a long time DM. Get him. Sorry. At my girlfriend. I thought it was funny. Go on. Get him. Sorry. At my girlfriend at the time.

My bad, dude. I'm not gonna do it again. You are. I'm good, dude. Go. I was a long time DM. Get him! And knew it was coming. Yes! Nice.

There's no reason why this should be getting funny every time. You should see the look on your face. This is freaking Dr. Evil Zip. Which I loved at the time, so I'm actually really enjoying it. No one listening does, yeah. So now you have to turn Get Him into a song as I start reading. I was a long time DM and my girlfriend at the time, God, now I'm fucking anticipating it.

My girlfriend at the time wanted to try her hand at running a game. I was excited to finally be a player and began thinking of what I'd have the most fun playing. As DM, she was oddly encouraging with me to make broken builds, assuring me it wouldn't ruin the game. And I was so excited to be a player for once,

I didn't think anything of it. Come to find out in the finale that she'd planned all along for me to be the BBEG that other players fought. My concern- Whoa. Oh my God, this girlfriend is clever. Yeah, yeah, make it so broken.

Oh, that's so fun. Yeah, it's just so much damage. Oh, I love it. Dare I say? Get him? My concern. How about no player? How did this girl keep this secret? I'm impressed.

My concern is that I was never once approached with this idea, nor did I make a character. Obviously it's flawed. Obviously it's flawed. Whose personality was the type to betray the party. I confronted her on this, and she just said that she loves the betrayal twist in stories.

Okay. I think she's great, but also this is weird. Sorry, sorry. No, I don't take your point. It's not valid because I love betrayal. This has like the I want to play your grandpa girlfriend energy because it's just like she's wrong, but I'm loving the energy she's bringing. It's really cool.

I feel like, I mean, this is her first time DMing too, I believe, right? So like, I'm willing to fully forgive her. We all want to hang out with her and not play DMing. Exactly. Just being like, yeah, I don't know, I love the betrayal twist. I don't know, I love the betrayal thing.

And just being like, absolutely not. Right, like kind of how I just betrayed you, except you'll be betraying the party. Yeah. I love a twist. I haven't played with her since. Was I wrong? This is funny too because the language kind of turns.

Was I wrong to be upset at the DM instead of calling my girlfriend? Hinging the climax of the campaign on something I wasn't informed on with my character or should I have let her have her big twist ending that she thought of since the beginning? I await your just judgment. No, you were absolutely right.

You're absolutely right. This is very funny, but yeah. It's very funny. It makes me laugh. You were right though. Yeah. If this wasn't your girlfriend, we would be like, don't play at this table.

But it being your girlfriend, I think it makes it funnier. Yeah, it definitely makes it funnier. It's just like so, it's so- I love the betrayal twist. Just like stirring some tea. Knowing what she was doing, like just the fact that she kept this under wraps,

didn't tell you, then said, I love the betrayal twist. She's a wild card. Yeah, that is. But you're right. Tell them to make a broken character. So I'm just picturing her like explaining this like right before going to bed. Be like, oh, by the way, you're going to be the BBEG.

You might sleep mask on, you get a fire on. Wipe off machine. Completely passed out. Like you go to talk to her. No, no, sorry. I'm going to be up early for work in the morning. So can we just not do this right now? Like it is, it's such a wild move,

cause what do you gain by not bringing the other person in on it? Like it's a pretty, that's the thing. It's a fun thing, cause you guys could talk about it. You know what I mean? And it would be fun. Especially cause you, like, presumably are spending time together outside of it.

You could be like, hey, even if she, even if it was right before that, right before the last thing, she could have been like, hey, I had this idea. I've been thinking about, do you like this? It's also, as a DM, it's like so hard when you like can't talk to your players about stuff you want to do like that.

But like, this is like the one instance where like you're allowed to discuss something because you're planning something cool. It just seems like, I hope that you can explain this to her when y'all inevitably get back together because you're definitely broken up right now. The funny thing is too, the thing I don't understand and would love to have witnessed is the experience of her DMing and narrating you being a bad guy. And you're sitting there being like, what?

And the players looking at you and being like, you, like, what, seriously? You've resisted the evil. The whole time? Just imagine. And just like her seeing you looking confused and just like mouthing, it's a betrayal twist. Yeah.

Don't be like, you see Moonshine turns around and stabs Hardwin in the back. What? Take it away. Do I? Why? Okay, take it away, I love betrayal twists. It's the betrayal twist y'all never saw coming.

Is that what you're looking for, Murph? You perfect. I do have a genuine solution for this though, which is like, have it be set up at some point. Give it, make this a consequence of something. You know what I mean? Like earlier in the campaign, where like there's like this player picked up a cursed item,

but you never found out what the curse was. And then it's like a moon night situation where every night this player just like gets up and does stuff. And like this could not happen if they can just, if they just remember to like take the cursed item to like a priest who can tell you what it does or whatever. But like you just don't,

you don't know why all these things are happening or whatever, you know? Yeah. I think that still feels a little brutal without any communication with the player. I'm saying I'd be more on board with that than just fundamentally deciding that my actual character is the bad guy. This is a really bad move. I, as a PC of the DM, did this.

I would just kind of go limp and go with it. Yeah. Just be like, um, yeah, I'm bad. Okay, I'm really bad. Tears streaming down my face. Yeah, I'm bad and I'm evil and I hate you all. So just to clarify. That's an interesting move though.

You could play it like that. I'm really sorry guys. I'm so sorry guys. Power of my kill. Through tears, power of guilt. Just continually looking at the DM. Is this what you want? But I mean, to Jasper's point,

if she needed betrayal that bad, she could have seeded something like, if you're like a power gamer and you like having a super powerful character, put in like an evil sword or something that makes you more powerful, but does like turn you bad. And then make that character like an NPC later, if that makes you more powerful, but does like turn you bad. And then make that character like an NPC later, if that's really what you want, but to just be like, you are the bad guy now.

Give him the Arthas treatment. Yeah. Yeah, give him the Arthas treatment. Give him the Arthas treatment. Give me the Arthas. Take him to see Arthas. Well, so I imagine we're sentencing the girlfriend, Dianne. Is that right?

Yeah, yeah. I don't know what we're sentencing the girlfriend, Dianne. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what we're sentencing. It does sound like she maybe already lost her relationship and her tables. It's really funny to imagine the conversation. Like, why did you guys break up? It's like, oh, you know, well, she, it was like this betrayal thing.

She turned me into the bad guy. I think it's, I think it's. She betrayed me. I loved her family. They loved me. Oh, I loved her family. They loved me. We were like, we're just super on board with each other. But I think it's also so fascinating how unbothered she seemed when she was approached.

So unbothered. Such a red flag. I think we I think she has to be betrayed in some way. I'm trying to think of like how to betray her. Yeah, probably a croissant full of mayonnaise. Oh, they say or an eclair full of mayonnaise. That's correct.

It's a chocolate eclair. And then when you bite in the cream is mayonnaise. And then you say, I love a betrayal story. I love a betrayal twist. The person working at the bakery says, don't you love a betrayal twist. This is a person working at the bakery says, don't you love a betrayal twist? And then you get into an Uber full of rats and drive off. That's cool.

The Uber's being driven by a rat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When they say, don't you love a betrayal twist? That's when the boyfriend gets down on one knee. Oh! And then you hand a rat instead of a ring. You open up the box and it's a little rat. Who's the fucca manate?

Why is it fucca manate? Because we're sort of going by dream logic right now. Stream of consciousness. A stream of manate. I don't know why that made me put on the break. Well, yeah, Emily, this has gone too far. And he's wearing around his neck an engagement ring, but it's cursed. A lot of hats on hat. Rats on rats, actually.

It's only good if he's got hats on rats. So Jake, go ahead and so order that if you don't mind. Of course. The pit is only good if he's got hats on rats. So Jake, go ahead and so order that if you don't mind. Yes, of course. Dracar! If you could just repeat back Jake that sentencing as well, like just all the steps, just so everyone's really clear on what that was.

Yeah, just so we have it locked in. So ordered, you will be eating a cannoli filled with mayonnaise. The... The girlfriend will be... The girlfriend, the... It's also an eclair. The clerk then says, don't you love a betrayal twist?

The boyfriend then proposes, opens up the ring box, but it's a rat wearing an engagement ring and that rat vomits up mayonnaise. And the engagement ring is cursed. And the engagement ring is cursed. And the engagement ring is cursed. So absolutely ordered. Our next.

Red of the corner, king of the heap. Aaron T. writes, to the humble and radiant supreme justices and the other guy, I think his name is Jack. Got him, Scotty. I give you the case of the double crit. Me and my friends were playing a campaign Got him Scotty. I give you the case of the double crit. Me and my friends were playing a campaign with my uncle, parentheses, five years age different between us.

Why are all these families playing together? Think about that. Think of us as having a young uncle. Young uncle. Yeah. I have a young uncle. Seems fun. And it was one of- My daughter's got a baby uncle. Whoa. Yeah. It can happen. I know a thing or two about young uncles.

My niece insists I'm 16. So she thinks I'm a young uncle. She thinks you're cool, yeah. Young uncle. You have a young uncle energy. Emily does have young uncle energy. Young uncle, obviously. ABC's got young rock, but we over here at MadBot have young uncle.

It's a young uncle. Young uncle. Yeah. Young uncle. Yeah. Yunkle energy. Yunkle, obviously. ABC's got Young Rock, but we over here in MadBot have Young Uncle. It's Yunkle. Yeah, Yunkle.

Yeah. Oh, I love my Yunkle. Ah! Ah! Ah! Just like a mythical beast, the Yunkle. What? It's a Yunkle.

A village. A village. You'll never believe it, Witcher. He loves rock music, but he's only 23. He's seen the Stones twice in concert, Witcher. He settled by us beer and it's only a little bit weird. He's only a little bit older than us, but he probably shouldn't be hanging out with 18 year olds. He plays Fortnite, Witcher, go on.

That is my youngkles. That's ageless. Okay, so it was youngkles, it was one of his first times DMing. In combat, he ran at my age, That is my Yunkle. That's ageless. Okay. Okay, so it was Yunkle's... It was one of his first times DMing. In combat, he ran at my PC and attacked twice, missing both times. Wait, Yunkle? Yunkle's DMing.

Yunkle is the DM. And they ran and got at Aaron T's character. They missed two times. Okay. I then let him know that another PC should have had an opportunity attack on him. And he said, okay. He then proceeded to roll his two attacks again and got two nat 20s. What?

He argued that because the opportunity attacks were supposed to happen before his previous round, the combat... So it's just a redo. You were just walking it back. Yungle's walking it back. Yungle's walking it back. Yeah. Yungle's saying that it didn't count because those previous opportunity attacks should have previous round of combat. You were just walking it back. Yonkel's saying that it didn't count because those previous opportunity attacks should have happened before his attack rolls.

I know you're only five years older, but you should know better. Yonkel doesn't know anybody. You can't forget that. He might be a col, but he's also young. He's young. This is a green uncle, folks. We had a green uncle. He needs some time to ease into being an uncle. I argued that they did, and the two crits against my level two warlock was highly likely to kill my PC,

so he should just chill. We argued for 20 minutes, and I eventually told him I'm not taking the crits so he can either keep playing or go kick rocks, to which he decided to kick the rocks. And I didn't talk to him for a couple of weeks. Oh my God. Please pass judgment and tell me which one of us was right and which was being a dirty Jake.

Well, this person called me Jack. So I don't think that they're talking about me when they say dirty Jake. Oh, okay. Yeah, true, true, true. They're probably talking about the guy who is a guest on 8-Bit Book Club. Love that guy, by the way.

I think that your yunkle was really wrong, but it sounds like you maybe brought some intense energy and I'm thinking that maybe the family has some drama. You've got yunkle drama. It absolutely escalated too far. Yeah. But just to focus on the minutia of what happened, did they take two attacks for their opportunity attacks?

No, no, no. So what happened was the yunkle went and took an attack on this person's PC. Then the person said, oh, actually, if you wanted to come to me, that person would have gotten an opportunity attack. So then when they did that, the uncle walked back the entire turn.

Just restarted the turn. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Which I think is bad, but it's, I don't know. I don't think it's that bad. I think it sucks that there were crits and stuff. I don't think he necessarily is kind of crazy.

So he still took the opportunity attack, right? He was like, oh, well, that opportunity attack would have happened before, so now I'm going to take the attack fresh. Yeah, it's weird. It's weird for sure. I think that it sucks, but maybe it was... It sounds like it escalated. I'd do that for the benefit of my players.

I'd walk back a turn, if it was like, if something had happened that meant the player could redo their turn, if they'd like, whiffed twice, meant the player could redo their turn, sort of, if they'd like, whiffed twice and then I was like, oh, that should have technically happened before. Do you know what, go ahead and do your turn again. Like make those attempts again. I can think of doing that, but I feel like it's a whole thing

for me as the DM to be like, I'm going to walk back this turn. Then I'm going to roll two nat 20s and probably kill your level two character outright. DM and an uncle, you know, you're two different people in that scenario. Yeah, you're wearing a lot of hats. A lot of responsibility.

Because you're young as well. That's another thing. It's a lot of pressure. We do have to remember how young this uncle is. Yeah, exactly. It's like, first off, your uncle's young. He's going to make mistakes, but also he's your uncle and you need to respect him.

Yeah, it's tough. So it's like, yeah, what a weird sitcom. The young guy. Almost the same age. Streaming exclusively on. I don't know. To be. There you go.

To be for sure. I don't know. I just feel like I think we're in this situation. Yeah, absolutely. If I roll the damage and like, realize that I've missed the opportunity to attack, and then I like, roll a second set of damage, because I'm like, taking the turn again,

and I do two crits, I'm absolutely going to be like, oh, that's, you know what, we'll just take the first set of damage. I'm not going to crit twice on you, like in the first turn of the game. That just seems like too harsh. Although you, I feel like his biggest mistake was rolling again, right?

Because you can't crit twice and then be like, you know what, let's ignore that. Yeah. Because then no one respects you. You show weakness. You show weakness. And a young girl cannot show weakness. A young girl cannot, a young girl.

Do you know how many people have a target on that young girl's back? Yeah, you're like, you're more of a cousin than an uncle. Yeah, woof. Almost a family friend. Yeah, this is establishing uncle dominance. Yeah. Just be like, I'm of a cousin than an uncle. Almost a family friend. Yeah, this is establishing uncle dominance. Yeah. I'm not your cousin, god damn it.

Honestly, that explanation alone makes me want to punish this player now. The second you roll those two crits, like you have to either, he just should have never rolled again. Yeah, I agree. I will say that the kind of lesser crime of doing the like rerolls is not as bad as,

I think as soon as you were like, I absolutely refuse to take this damage. Yeah. I thought that seemed a little extreme. I think in that moment you can't say I refuse to do this because like that's just kind of tough to say to a DM. You kind of have to be like, hey, I think this is going to kill my character and I'm really enjoying playing my character. Yeah.

You know, I just started, I'm excited about this character. In which case you can put it in the DM's head like, I'm not trying to die. Play on your young uncle's protective instincts. On your uncle's older brother instincts. Exactly. This player said to their uncle, I'm not taking the damage,

so you're either okay with that or you leave. And I think that you can't talk to your uncle that way. Yeah. I think you can't talk to your uncle or your DM that way. Even a young uncle. Yeah. You made your young uncle leave.

That's so plot. You told your young uncle to kick rock. I think if you want to be able to have that level of authority at the table, I think you got to DM. Ooh. There you go. Right? Because as a PC, you just don't get to make that decision.

Yeah, what you should have done is you should have said, either I don't take this or I take your seat. I'm going to like come behind the DM screen and just start DMing. I'm going to become your uncle. Yes. The younger uncle. The youngest uncle possible. The youngest uncle possible. Holy shit.

Uncle inception. That's the thing they don't tell you in families is the uncle is a title. It's an honorific. You can claim it. It does nothing to do with blood. That's true. It is kind of true. You can marry into being.

I'm married into being an uncle. Yeah. We had an uncleing ceremony. You claimed uncle shit. I'm married into being an uncle. We had an uncle-ing ceremony. It was wildly expensive. We had a placeholder uncle and Murph bested him. It was exactly like that scene in Black Panther. Yep, yep, it's exactly that. That's an uncle-ing ceremony. Yeah. You kicked a guy off a waterfall.

Whilst everyone gathers around the waterfall. A random hiker. They're looking for me and him to be honest. That was someone else's uncle, man. That's the uncle-ing ceremonies, you just have to go out and find an uncle. Yeah. And best to just an uncle.

Right. You just gotta sweep. We can't have that many uncles in the world. Otherwise we'll have a problem. So to keep the- There's a set number of uncles. Exactly. To keep the uncle numbers down. Exactly.

You either have to wait for one to die or go out and find one and kill one. Yeah. You also, you do have to take a draft of pure uncleanium. Right. Add it to the sign. We respect unclean ceremonies. We respect our young-cles.

Anyone can be a young-cle. I mean, I do think that this young-cle DM was wrong. This young-cle DM was wrong. I feel like you could have... I kind of get the instinct to just be like, let's just roll it all back. But I think you'd need to be very upfront with all of that and have everyone on board before that happens.

And I feel like this could have been handled less like volatile. Yeah. Yeah. It was just like, okay, you missed me before, you got to crit this time, why don't we just forget this argument and why don't we just roll again? Yeah. Yeah.

And that way, like, it just feels fresh and we get the hook. Even just you as a player has to be like, oh fuck, I think this is gonna kill my character and you missed last time. And then the DM can have clemency rather than weakness by being like, why don't we do one crit? You know, or something like that. One crit and one miss is like,

it takes something from the last turn and something from the current one. But I do agree that the uncle is fully in the wrong on the actual gameplay. But what you did post game, I think is worse and... Well, yeah, that is absolutely correct. But I would like to know how the uncle responded when the player was like,

that's gonna kill my character. Like, cause that I feel like is a valid thing to say. Just like, we're left, like we're... They said it could have kill my character. Like, because that I feel like is a valid thing to say. Just like, we're left, like, we're- They said it could have killed their character. Judging from like the language they were using before about kicking rocks, probably said something like tough titties or something like that.

It's probably exactly the word. I could see that. Like if you die, you die. You just have to leave the table, I guess. Yeah, did like an Ivan Drago voice. Although the young girl probably wouldn't even get that reference. No, young. So young.onkul's so young.

We have to remember how young he is. Probably do like a Fortnite dance and then... Yeah, Fortnite is an ageless activity. A tweenage uncle, can you imagine? I'm just a tweenage uncle baby. That's terrible. Got to be tweenage to angel's blood, baby. That's terrible. Gotta keep it to Justin Bieber. I've never seen Austin Powers, baby.

He has like three very light conspiracy theories because he's not quite like full. You know what I mean? He's not fully in yet. Yeah, he's not fully. He's just on some bad reddits. He's just like a little bit of a hot mess. It's not like all the way in yet.

I think I have a punishment here. Which is that I think a really young, extremely hot granddad needs to chew both of them out. Oh! A granddad that's younger than all of them. Yeah. Wow, that's great. He needs to give them a talking to. Yeah. I love that. He's just like, you're a young granddad. Wow, that's great.

He needs to give them a talking to. I love that. I think actually the granddad should be a little bit older than the uncle, but like a 29-year-old granddad. So it doesn't have to be the uncle's granddad. It's just a 29-year-old granddad. It's just a 29-year-old granddad needs to sit the young girl and the player and give them a talking show. Yeah, and then they can all watch Rocky too.

Yeah, or play touch football. For the first time, watch Rocky for the first time because they're all so young. Yeah, because they're all so young. Grandpa was not alive when Rocky came out in the 70s. No, no, you have to all watch Creed because that's more your speed, you know what I mean? Granddad just missed Creed when... Like all three of these people involved

think Creed is the original. Yeah. They think that, they're like, oh, I heard there's a spinoff called Rocky. Are you talking about Rocky, the background character? From Creed? I can't believe they got Samantha Stallone for that part. Like, that's a big actor for such a small part.

You made some huge choices. I kind of felt bad that Sylvester Stallone got so little screen time. Yeah. Give us more Stallone. Why didn't he agree to do that? If only there was a movie in which Stallone was the star. That would be a good movie.

I'd watch that. I think you need to, you need to watch Creed with your, with your young uncle. Yeah. And find a 29 year old granddad. Right, cool. So it's like a weird family reunion, everybody hashes this out, you watch Creed.

You're not allowed to have popcorn, you can only eat croissants. Yeah, you know, bring it back. Even if you've seen Rocky, you have to pretend that you didn't. You should also listen to Creed. That's a band that was around before your time as well. Yeah, and granddad doesn't even and Grandad actually knows who Creed is.

For sure. Young Creed. Okay, sweet. So ordered. Do you guys want to step into church? Yeah, we need to. We need to go. Let's end our session with a confession.

This one comes from Lemon M. And they write, I present a confession. When I first started playing D&D, my character was a bard named Jimmy Crumble III. He was very good at persuasion. And when we went on a quest to stop a wizard from scamming this local village, I used my very high persuasion to convince him.

And the DM rewarded me for this by having the wizard give me a magic sword called the Answerer. My confession is this, every time I rolled an attack, I did so with advantage because I misread the text of the sword. It says that when a creature hits me, I can attack them as a reaction

and the attack has advantage. Since I was new, when I saw that I attacked with advantage, I took that to mean I attack all the time with advantage. I didn't realize I was wrong until much later. I don't think it affected any combat in a major way. And Jimmy still died in the end, epically in a duel, but I thought I should still confess. Oh, I think it's okay.

You're in the arms of Dice Christ now. Yeah, Dice Christ took retribution. You know what I mean? Dice Christ murdered you. That's the only reason you died, just because Christ took retribution. That's the only reason you died, just because of your own mistakes. This game is all about making mistakes and learning from them. And you did that. We have so many people who are like, I knew I was doing it wrong, but I kept doing it.

And this person was just like, realized after the fact that I was doing it wrong. They read it correctly though. I think, yeah. I think you've truly sinned against Dice Christ if you knew at some point and kept doing it. And kept doing it, yeah. But if you just went back and were like,

oh, this isn't as good as I thought it was, because we've had that happen a lot. Yeah, you've definitely had like, you misread something and you just correct it from then on and if you do, then that's good. Yeah, you just correct yourself moving forward. We've had people confess in this church who like straight up cheated, who knew they were cheating.

Yeah, exactly. This is a yunkle mistake. Yeah, wet behind the mustache. Dice Christ sees you. This is a yunkle mistake. Yeah, wet behind the mustache. Such a thin new mustache as well. Do you think that we should make people roll with disadvantages like a Hail Mary sort of thing? Instead of saying 10 Hail Marys, it's like you have to roll with disadvantage five times. I feel like Dice Christ already took... Yeah, Dice Christ.

Johnny Crumb the third. Yeah, I'm talking about Jimmy Crumbles the fourth. Jimmy Crumbles. When their time comes to shine. Um, I don't know. I think it's whatever you feel. I think just really double check your items going forward. Yeah.

I'm sorry, I was bringing a little too much vinegar. Give them a little twice over. Yeah, enough check your items going forward. Yeah. I'm sorry, I was bringing a little too much vinegar. Give them a little twice over. Yeah, like, nerf all your items going forward. Every single item has to be like a little bit worse now. Yeah. Although that does sound like such a sick weapon. Yeah. That you can, as a reaction, attack someone who hit you with advantage.

Great name, too. The Answerer. The Answerer is so sick. It's honestly more fun than just having advantage over the total. Yeah, I agree. Because answerer is so sick. It's honestly, it's more fun than just having advantage. Totally. Because you get like a reaction. Grinning through like a bloodied face when you get to reaction hit someone is always really good.

I think I'm just distracted by how sick they are. Yeah, I want it. Your punishment is that I have to have it now. That's your punishment. Your punishment is that we're stupid. Give it to Calder. Give it to me. Oh, Cali. Cali gets it to Calder. Give it to me. Oh, Cali.

Cali gets it. Calder has the most insane magical item. So it makes sense that I'd have the other one. I should have all of that. He knows how to use it. I gotta say, it adds up. All right, I concede. All right, all you yunkles.

I think it's time. I think it's time we wrap up. Stay yunkles. All you yunkles and loose I think it's time. I think it's time we wrap up. Stay yonkles. All you yonkles and loose rats. Yeah. Inside of you. All you yonkles and loose rats. Stay young and stay loose, everybody.

Stay young, stay loose, stay yonkles. I love that. And don't watch Rocky. Stay yonkles, watch Rocky. Watch Creed. Watch Creed for Rocky. In this house, yonkles watch Creed 4 Rocky. In this house, Yonkles think Creed is Rocky.

In this house, Yonkles believe that Michael B. Jordan is still best of still life. It's not that they think it's different, it's not that they think Michael B. Jordan is Rocky. It's that they think Michael B. Jordan is Sylvester Stallone. They think Michael B. Jordan is playing a character named Sylvester Stallone. What a yunkle mistake. a Yonkul mistake. Absolute Yonkul mistake. With that, thank you so much, Jasper William Cartwright, for joining us.

Oh, thank you for having me. Such a fucking funny episode. I'm going to go watch Creed. Let's all go watch Creed. I'm going to go double check the number of Yonkuls. Let's just even watch that one-shot fight sequence. Oh, so good. Actually, I think Yonkuls probably think that Creed is about the Yonkling ceremony as well.

That's why they were fighting each other. Yeah. That is how... Absolutely. Yeah, Creed is a Yonkle at the end of that video. It's all to be Yonk. It's all for him. Then he has to defend his Yonk status.

Creed 3, Yonkles. Creed, you can't fight. You're a young uncle. Creed III, youngcle. The youngcalling. Creed, you can't fight, you're a youngcle now. You got a nephew who's almost your age to look after. Dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon. Welcome back to Dungeon Court. Dun, Dun. Dun, Dun. I feel like we should go like, Dun Dun. Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Welcome back to Dungeon Court. Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun I feel like we should go like Dun Dun. Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun No, I'm actually fully on team Nud Nud.

What a pivot. Yes, we are back from recess. We've got some bonus cases here for our Patreon. So why don't we just throw rights to the bailiff and let him run with it. Hear ye, hear ye, crit is still in session. The honorable Supreme Crit Justices, Axford, Murphy, and Tanner still presiding.

Nud, nud. Nud, nud. Nud, nud. Check out our hats in the shop. This year's dilly dilly. No one has bought any. Freaking nud. Nud, nud.

I'm gonna nud, I'm gonna nud. I'm doing a freaking nud. Freaking nuddy. I'm doing a freaking nud. Anarchy writes, may it please the Supreme Crit and any esteemed critters within earshot, including the hedgehog-esque Balef-Jank. Hedgehog-esque?

Okay. What a little, like a hedgehog emoji next to it too. Wow. And it looks like me. Jake, could you curl up into a ball real quick? Yeah. Holy shit, that's heavy. Oh wow.

Why do I have all these quills? Jake Hurwitz, no, Jake Hedgehog. Not even Hedgewitz. I thought we were gonna get some kind of bundle. Oh, no. Nud, nud. Nud, nud, nud. I present the case of the Lyra and the Magic Beans.

My gloomstalker ranger with plus nine to initiative was trying to get out of his secret basement chamber with no doors, having freed two NPCs who are about to be sacrificed in there. After failing to escape at first, I planted one of my magic beans from the bag of beans item to potentially creatively use a random result to escape.

I rolled a 95 on a D100 and it caused a 60 foot base pyramid to erupt from the ground and through the building. My DM said that the two NPCs got immediately crushed against a wall by the pyramid and didn't allow me to roll initiative against the rising building. I wanted to feed them the last two bites of my gaseous form, apples, so they could escape through the cracks formed by the apex of the pyramid. Oh, you are just beset by magic items.

Your DM is a treat master. Was the DM unfair to not allow me to save them or should I just mourn silently for my friends that I inadvertently killed? They must have gotten to do a dex save at least. Doesn't sound like it. They were killed instantly. Killed instantly.

Well, I'm looking at the item. It says a pyramid with a 60 foot square base bursts upward. Inside is a sarcophagus containing a mummy lord. The pyramid is treated as the mummy lord's lair and its sarcophagus contains treasure of the GM's choice. Wow, so more gaseous apples up in there. So here's my take on this.

The word bursts implies to me that this is a slow process. Like it's bursting, sure, but like. What? Hmm. Interestingly. A slow burst. A slow burst. A slow burst.

I'd like to insert it to evidence Webster's dictionary of the word burst. Okay, all right. It's gonna burst, but it's like, if it was like a small structure bursting, maybe it would be a quick burst. But this is a slow burst. I think that is the worst.

I'm gonna try to defend Justice Tanner here. I'm gonna try to defend him. It could burst through the earth and then rise. So it's a bursting into existence. Quick burst then slow rise. Quick burst, slow rise or medium rise. Thank you, Justice Murphy. That's what you guys think that this language describes.

If it had said, instantaneously appears, then yes, they would be crushed to death. I feel like the argument lies more in like, these NPCs should have been able to prepare a reaction if I'm planting a bean or something. I think that there's a really, really strong case for that this person was wronged, but it's not in the word burst. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But even if, but it's not in the word burst. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But even if, okay, Justice Murphy has the way of it.

How much do I owe you? Let's take burst for its actual definition and say it burst out of the ground, okay? Just instantly. But it's under you, why would it crush you? Wouldn't, if anything, it would shove you way up into the air. Break suddenly and violently apart, spilling the contents typically as a result of an impact or internal pressure.

Yeah, so it's freaking blowing up out of the ground. We admit it. This is not looking good for me. We fucking admit that that's what a burst is. And it bursts out of the freaking ground. Oh, I thought that you said, I thought that you said borst. Oh, what's borst? We thought it borsted.

That's what it's a slow burst. It's like a slow boil, like a boiling borscht. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I rest my case. Yeah, I think it's weird to not give them any kind of save because even if it bursts from the ground, wouldn't you end up on top of it and kind of like sliding down the pyramid

or like get fucked up in that way? I think that's the interesting thing about a pyramid also is the shape. Like it is the point, the apex of the pyramid would have pierced the ceiling theoretically before the rest of the room was consumed. So this room, it's like a drill bit going up. Don't focus on burst, focus on pyramid. That was the word.

That's the key word. Yeah. That's a very good call. Yeah. The ceiling of this place should have been pierced by the pyramid. Yeah. And beyond that, it just feels like this was a very good call. Yeah, the ceiling of this place should have been pierced by the pyramid. Yeah. And beyond that, it just feels like this was a really fun idea.

This is you putting yourself at risk, and this is something that I feel like this is one of the better outcomes to happen. Yeah. Yeah, I think this is exactly what they wanted, and the DM wanted to get them with it. Yeah. Because I'm looking at the other ones,

and it's other things that could have happened. A campfire with it. Yeah. Because like I'm looking at the other ones and it's like other things that could have happened. A campfire springs forth. Okay. One D6 plus six shrieker sprout. So you could have just been in enclosed in an area with monsters coming up. Yeah. But instead you got the thing that would explode the wall.

And also, hey DM, your players gave you a free mummy. Yeah. I know. That's cool. Yeah. That's a bonus mummy. Yeah. I know. That's cool. Yeah. That's a bonus mummy that's guarding just a treasure trove of various apples that will turn you into different things. Yeah.

Different gas apples. Yeah, I'm looking through this. It's really, it really, you got robbed. You got robbed. You took a chance and one of the few things that really could have been justified from getting you out of the tap. This DM really burst your bubble.

Ooh, very good. Oh, okay. So you mean it didn't slowly? I mean, slowly. Slowly. Wow. DM really burst your bubble. Ooh, very good. Okay, so you mean it did it slowly? Slowly, wow. Slowly peeled back your idea. Slowly peeled it. That's beautiful to see, to watch that happen. That slow eruption of a bubble.

Yeah, it's weird not to give you any kind of initiative thing or give them any kind of save, because if the DM wanted to do this thing of like this monkey's paw, where you think you got what you wanted, but then it brings about your ruin, it should be like, but as the thing bursts from the ground you see in slow motion as this person's being pressed against the wall. Slow motion because it's happening.

Slow motion because it's happening because I'm describing in slow motion not because the burst is fast. I think this is gonna fundamentally change my experience of the word burst. I'm gonna burst. I'm nutting. I'm nutting. I'm bursting say four. I'm gonna burst. I'm nutty. I'm nutting, I'm bursting with nut. He definitely burst with nut. Oh boy. For sure.

That was a good nut. Good nut. Yeah, I'm on the player's side here. Yeah. I think you gotta do a generous read. Do you guys wanna hear the other things that could have happened? Actually, I wanna roll and tell me what I learned.

Show me them beans. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll see what Jake gets on the beans. So, I'm gonna roll. Do you guys wanna hear the other things that could have happened? Actually, I wanna roll and tell me what I did. Show me them, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll see what Jake gets on the beans. Jake is in this situation. He is just saved two people. He's trying to get out of a doorless room.

What did you get? A 13. A hard one in The Widow and Elias Stormborn. Nice job, son. Okay, 13. You've done it. We're all together. We're a family again. Hard one.

Bursting from the ground. A treant sprouts. You see the treant's branches go through Elias Stormborn's head and instantly brain him. You see the root. Not yet. There is a 50% chance that the treant is chaotic evil and attack.

So now give me a D20 to see if it's evil. 17. It's evil and attack. So now give me a D20 to see if it's evil. 17. It's evil. Okay. Whatever you rolled. Also is the bursting that killed him. And also killed Lydia Stormblood. Why couldn't it burst?

Tree absolutely nuds your parents. A knowing nud. Nuded by a tree. I don't want to think about my parents nutting. Okay. Okay. So this, so the DMs getting punished. Yeah. Yeah. The DMs getting punished. You have to start saying nut. Oh, actually let's, let's roll for something on the bean. Oh, on the beans. That's gonna nut them.

You gotta eat those beans. How are you going to be nutted? Roll that beautiful bean table. Okay. I'm gonna eat it. I'm gonna eat it. I'm gonna eat it. I'm gonna eat it.

I'm gonna eat it. I'm gonna eat it. I'm gonna eat it. I'm gonna eat it. I'm gonna eat it. I'm gonna eat it bean that's gonna nut them. How are you going to be nutted? Roll that beautiful bean table. Shit, okay. 85. Ooh, that's my birth year.

A nest of one D four plus three eggs springs up. Any creature that eats an egg must make a DC 20 constitution saving throw on a successful seg, on a successful seg, a save. A creature permanently increases its lowest ability score by one, randomly choosing among equally low scores on a failed save, the creature takes 10d6 force damage from an internal magical explosion.

Okay. Cool, so we're gonna give you some bad eggs. Yeah, you're gonna get bad eggs and you're gonna shit your pants. You're gonna get freaking gash from your pants. Cool, so we're gonna give you some bad eggs. Yeah. Bad eggs and you're gonna shit your pants. You're gonna get freaking gashed from your pants. Yeah, because you were a bad egg. You're gonna have some gaseous apples. Yep.

All right, so ordered. Ray W. writes, if it may please the esteemed judges and guest, Jake Hurwitz. Welcome to the show, Jake. Wow, I'm so fucking condescending about using my last name. When it's you though, I feel like we should pronounce it Gwest. Mm, Gwest, yes. Gwest Jake Horowitz.

Gwest Jake Horowitz. I'm in a high-lethality fairy tale inspired campaign, and my character is a bladesinger wizard with eight charisma. Oh my god, bladesinger is so fucking fun to play. Despite his low charisma, he's a very attractive circus performer with extensive knowledge of beauty and fashion. Just very bad at talking to people. He also has a chicken familiar, which is relevant.

Ah! Earmark that one for later. Do not forget the chicken familiar. Our party's werewolf barbarian needed a new shirt after tearing his while transforming in combat and I offered to go buy him something fashionable. The DM asked for a charisma check. I asked if my chicken could give me the help action

on this check and they said no, because it's a chicken. Here's my case. My wizard is very stylish and since he created this chicken, it spent its entire life around a very stylish person and this has some sense of what's hot or not. Now it does. I gotta say, no. My cats couldn't pick out an outfit.

Yeah. No, it does use velociraptor stats. Wait. But I still believe that because this chicken is my character's familiar and best friend, it would be able to nudge him in the right direction. Okay, here's the thing about chickens. You can teach them to count.

You could teach them to like peck a number of times you want. So I feel like you could probably teach them to pick out an outfit. I don't know if they'd be good at it, but I'm saying you could potentially teach a bird to her boobs. Arbitrarily flitter to an outfit.

I agree with that. So I guess you're saying that fashion is like a numeric kind of thing. I mean, there's definitely some sort of like formulaic system to putting together a good outfit, absolutely. Yeah, you can teach a chicken math, you can lead a chicken to water, but will they look good doing it?

Wow. This is what I have to say. I didn't even know. You've bursted my brains. I think that it's fun to have restrictions put on when you can use a familiar for a home. I think that it's fun to have restrictions put on when you can use a familiar for a home. Yeah, I think it's fun to ask if your chicken can help. It's definitely fun to ask.

And then it's fun to get rejected, denied. It's also fun to get denied. And do not press that issue. Yeah, yeah. I think that's a losing battle. This isn't the one, right? The one to press is when the party's about to TPK and you beg for the chicken,

you say I'm gonna put them in harm's way. Can they help with a healing potion? In which case you're still gonna have to pray for it. This is not the Hill to die on. This is not the Hill to die on. Yeah, a fashionable chicken. I am picturing the chicken wearing high heels though. And this is for a shirt that's not even yours.

Yeah. Right. Well that's good, that's good. That's selfless. We like that. Why would the chicken know other people's style? Let's say that the chicken is a fashionable chicken. It would know maybe it's players. That's actually, wait, that's a really strong point

is that everyone looks good in different things. So maybe the chicken, even if this chicken with velociraptor stats, so memorize your style, what looks good on you, my life little blade singer wizard is not going to necessarily look good on a werewolf barbarian. Different body types. I'm also gonna say, if you're walking around

with eight charisma, I'm thinking this is like an Ed Hardy ass wizard who just has like flashy stuff on but maybe they're looking so good. This is like a Hank's jean jacket type of situation. Yeah, I think it is. I think it is. I think you've got a chicken, but you're peacocking a bit. Yeah. Wow.

You think you're fashionable. Yeah, it might just be a little much. So we're ruling against the player. Yeah, I think we're ruling against the player. Unless you want the chicken to go into the store and flap in front of the store Keeps face and scratch them up a bunch so you can steal a shirt. Oh, yeah, that would be fun. Yeah Yeah, right. Yeah get help and that's that should have been your argument, right?

The chicken is just deciding because you think the chicken knows what's cool because the chicken has watched your stylish ass And with that, I think we've got our punishment. I think you need to take a real chicken to the gap. Oh, fall into the chicken. You need to bring just a regular live ass chicken and you need to go and pick up some jeans. You have to wear whatever the chicken picks out for you. You're going to go buy some new chinos with a chicken. Have you ever been in a fitting room with a chicken, a scared chicken?

Yeah. You're bound to be. It's room with a chicken? A scared chicken? Yeah. It's just gonna run right under that door. Yeah. That chicken doesn't wanna be there, let alone help you pick out a chicken. I think it's gonna freak out as soon as it's honored. The second you take your pants down. The person comes in there like, is everything okay?

It's like, I think I just need another side. A chicken does not like this tea. Turns out I'm banned from the Glendale Galleria because I let loose one bird. All right, cool. So you are bringing a fowl to the gap. Andrew. You are befowling the gap.

Andrew W. writes, a wise and merciful judges and bailiff Josh. Whoa. That was a good one. I come to you with the case of the copycat coworker. About six months ago, it came up at work that my coworker who was 10 years my junior had started playing D&D.

I told him that I'd been DMing a campaign that took place at a summer camp. I gave him more details of my campaign along with NPC names, places, et cetera. A couple days ago, he approached me and told me about his new campaign that not only takes place at a summer camp, but also uses names and other details that I told him six months prior. Judges what do I do? Do I just smile and go with it? He's a young kid and I'm always glad to get people interested in

TTRPGs but now he keeps asking me for details on my own campaign and other ideas I have. I'm also his boss and I have to keep things professional. Any help would be great, thank you. Oh my God, I hate to say this. You need to chew this kid out. I hate to say this, you have to just fucking let this slide. Yeah, yeah, let this happen. You have to.

I think. Yeah, no, I think lean in even harder. Just start showing up with your notes. Just give them to him. You could start lying. Charity. You could start lying. Just to see a situation that's weird, you could just start giving him details that are a little weird, and just out of curiosity,

see if he runs with those weird ass details. That's really good. What is weird to me is not the taking something from somebody else, because it's just a home game. So who cares? Yeah, that's totally fine. But it seems like they're not acknowledging it. That's the part that's funny.

It's very strange. Oh, guess what I'm playing? It's this summer camp camp. Well, I guess, I wonder. It's just like, I'm just picturing those writers sitting there, realization slowly dawning on them. Like, this is, are you a kid? It must be, it must be a coincidence.

No, that's also the name, huh. What if the kid just had like a really dry sense of humor and was repeating it back, like in hopes to get a rise out of you, but you just gave him none months later? That's a classic move on your boss, dude. Absolutely the best way to approach your boss. It's a weird, yeah, the boss thing makes it definitely.

I think in general it's like, yeah, people are gonna steal your ideas all the time. Or not even, people are gonna collaborate with you all the time, right? But this is a funny situation that you are in because it is just being spoken to you. Yeah. But you're the boss.

The weird thing about it is that you have been kind of wronged because somebody is taking your ideas and not even acknowledging it. saying it back to you, but you're going to seem crazy if you get mad at it. You are going to, I'm trying to think, imagine just yelling at a kid and being like, that was my idea. I'm your boss.

Yeah, you're in a position of authority, you're a mentor. Right. You can't be like, that's my idea. I think you maybe have to feed them details from a very popular D&D book. Do you start putting Strahd in there and then maybe their players will catch on that they're doing something weird?

Yeah, well you could also. But at that point, maybe they're just running Strahd, which is cool too. Yeah, you could just be like, maybe it'd be more fun if you, you could encourage them to have their own ideas. I think you have to say nothing. I think you are not in a position,

unfortunately, unfortunately, it's not about right and wrong. I'm saying in this position, I think you just have to be like, my life, it gets weird sometimes. It's one of those things where it's weird on it, like all you can do is make it weirder. The more you drill down,

you're in the weird situation. You just have to not. You have to surrender. You just have to not actually be this person's mentor. You just have to, they seem a little bit delusional and maybe you need to keep them at an arm's length. Yeah, it's like quicksand. Yeah.

You are in the quicksand. And you were gonna, if you try to fight to get out of it. You just gotta stay in the middle. Some people really are quicksand. Like there are humans that are quicksand that you're just like anything I do makes the situation worse. But also you could try, and this is not, you don't have to do this,

but you could try to think of it as, okay, this person doesn't know we're collaborating, but this is a collaboration. You just understand that. You could A-B test. You could be like, oh, how did that go in your campaign? Yeah, you could just make up stuff that you want to try at your table

and see if it works with theirs. See how it goes. Yes, it applies. Could you imagine if we gave this person the advice to confront the kid, and then a third party? This kid's stealing your, this kid's jacking your IP, bud.

A third party would think about this if they were just like, what happened? Well, one of my employees took my game ideas. Oh my God, and they like sold it, and they made money with it. No, no, no, no, no. Worse than that. Our pretend game.

They used it to play at their house. They had fun. Yeah. It's like, I get it. I completely understand. Yeah, I think they, yeah. But there's just no. I just. They had fun. Yeah. It's like, I get it. I completely understand. Yeah, I think they, yeah. But there's just no. I just love how low the stakes are.

I love it. I love exactly what Jake said is true. You're in quicksand. Yeah. You could like theoretically extrapolate a little further. You know, like if he's asking for your ideas, you could just be like, oh, here's the book where I got my ideas or something.

Yeah. I wrote it. Oh. You could just, you know, let it roll up so it's not so personal to you, but like, think about your inspirations and be like, share that so they can be inspired by the things that inspired you. Yeah, you could be like, like horror movies from the 80s and stuff.

It was all like summer camp and stuff. I wonder why this person, like I feel like maybe this person feels like they can't be inspired by your ideas. And I wish that they feels like they can't be inspired by your ideas and I wish that they felt like they could be like, hey, you know that campaign that you told me about? I thought it sounded really fun, so I'm running it too.

Because what a normal interaction that would be. Right. What a pleasant, fun way to have this conversation not be weird. Some people refuse the courtesy of normal. Yeah, it could just be somebody's being awkward. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, it's neither here nor there, but I do picture that they're coworkers

and they both work on an airplane. Oh, okay, so one is, okay, one is the co-pilot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's the, yeah. Do they actually have co-pilots in planes? In the cockpit, yeah. I guess ask Andrew W, right? Yeah, who's Andrew W?

Isn't that the pilot? Oh, this is Andrew W.K. Whoa! Oh! Holy shit. You like to party hard. It's like married to Kat Dennings or something like that. Kat Jennings, Kat?

Kat Dennings, yeah. Oh yeah. Which I mean, I don't know if it's Andrew W.K. because I feel like he would have just brought this up with Kat and like Kat would have had a good answer for it. Maybe Kat's the one who steals it. I don't know. Marriage can feel like a job and maybe Kat and Andrew are in that mode right now.

And I do consider my wife my subordinate in marriage. Maybe they're really religious. So Andrew WK just confront Kat Dennings about this. He does have a couple songs where I'm like, is this about God? What's going on here? All right. So that's our advice for Andrew W.K. to confront your wife, Kat Dennings. Yeah, and maybe stop flying that airplane. You should get back to writing music.

You're a rock star. You should just be performing. So what's the punishment? But just in case you're not Andrew W.K. We do have to punish Andrew W.K. Oh, we also have to punish Andrew W.K. We'll say you're on, well, I think we're on Andrew W.K.'s side.

But we agree that you just have to live with this. We also think this is crazy. We're on your side, this is crazy. But you absolutely just have to surrender to it. Yeah, it's a punishment in and of itself. Your punishment is that you're already in quicksand. Yeah, great. So ordered, right?

No, but we have to punish the kid. No, but we aren't. No, but he's not the kid's fault. What do you mean it's not the kid's fault? We're saying that this is, they're saying, what can I do about this? And we're saying nothing. We're saying nothing, but he's not the kid's fault. What do you mean he's not the kid's fault? We're saying that this is, they're saying, what can I do about this? And we're saying nothing. We're saying nothing, but we're still,

this is him versus the kid and we're on his side. Yeah, but if we were on his side, then we should be telling him that he can do something. Yeah, and we're telling him that he can't. We're giving, the advice stuff is just for fun. But the decision is to punish them. That is absolute, it's true. I think that we're, I think that-

We're just gonna leave this? I think that, you know what, we always punish. Why not just reward them one time, just for fun? Just this once, just this once, we'll reward them instead of punishment. This is a can of worms called, well, we can't just go around rewarding people. This is the supreme crit, we don't give out accolades.

Yeah. Just give them one ticket to an Andrew W.K. concert and they gotta fight over it. I sentence this plane to crash. Oh Jesus. Oh my God. Bailey, I have no power here. I'm just throwing out ideas.

Your words have power. All right, you gotta bring a chicken to the gap. I won, I won. We sentence them to go enjoy a hot fudge sundae. Okay. But? But? You have to bring a chicken with you to the Dairy Queen.

No! Okay. The nuts are too sharp. We're sentencing them, but it's an award. Oh, sharp nuts. Okay, fine. The nuts are sharp. Sharp nuts.

Sharp nuts. Okay, but you're gonna enjoy a hot fudge sundae, but the nuts are a little are sharp. Sharp nudes. Sharp nudes. Okay, but the nudes, you're gonna enjoy a hot fudge sundae. May all your nudes be sharp. But the nudes are a little too sharp. You go to the Dairy Queen and it says, Hot Fudge Sundae with lots of nudes. And you're like, is that a typo? And they're like, what do you mean?

And then they bring it out. And the nudes are on there. And then you can see that they're sharp nudes. And then they are sharp nudes. And we're really sorry for punishing you. I don't know the format of the show anymore. I thought we were on your side. I think we're not on your side.

We are on your side. We're on your side, but you're on the side. I think we're not on your side. We are on your side. We're on your side. I think we're really confused. Yeah. Okay, let's go on to a more clear cut case. Yeah, okay. I don't like this feeling. Yeah.

Preston writes, to the honorable Supreme Crit, Bailiff Jake, the bizarre yet bona fide crew, Grace and Anton and Dunkle called last night. That's a good point. Wow, may it please the court? Was I wrong for not- Thank you for acknowledging Grace and Anton, go on.

Was I wrong for not kicking my father out of our D&D session is the thesis. All right, here we go. We're getting down to the nudge on this one. I was DMing a game for my 11 year old little sister. It was her first time playing, so I put a lot of effort into creating a Mario themed one shot where she was the only player. After casting Fireball on a group

of Koopa, she managed to make it outside of Bowser's castle just as our father entered the room. He sat down at the table but never once mentioned the actual D&D game. Instead he played loud immersion breaking videos from his phone and even started showing us a movie trailer he had seen earlier that day. He then held in a phone conversation with someone who must have been at a party. It was on speakerphone. Instead of asking him to leave or be quiet, we shifted between ignoring him or passive aggressively acknowledging his Facebook videos. I was irritated and I could tell my little sister was too. Was I wrong for not telling him to leave? I'm afraid I messed up my little sister's first playing experience.

Did you know your dad messed up my little sister's first playing experience. Did you? No, your dad messed up your little sister's first playing experience. Jake, did you bring us a case where we have to decide if a kid has to stand up to their dad? Yeah. Ah ha ha ha. You were wrong.

Actually, if you were wrong to not kick the father out. Oh. We are gonna punish you. You've been too hard on yourself. We got two in a row of people being too hard on themselves. Yeah, just tough social situations. We're on your side. We got two in a row of people being Yeah, just tough to do it tough social situation on your side I'm on your side That's was I wrong to not kick him out and we're gonna have to give you a little slap on the wrist for that

But we are punishing your dad We're gonna deactivate your dad's Facebook account We have that power we control airplanes and Facebook. That's right. Oh, that is so brutal. Yeah, this is a rough one. I would say if you're 11 years old and you had a good time playing at least the first half of the Mario,

like parents annoy you your entire life. Yeah, true, true. So like this, it's not like your dad could have walked in and ruined D&D forever. Yeah. Yeah, he definitely didn't. Well, this is also exciting for the 11 year old because you're gonna get to walk them through

an adult experience for the first time, which is like when you and your sibling get together and go, what the fuck was dad doing? Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah, you're just like, what the fuck was up with dad? That was weird, right? That happened to me and my siblings

at a little place called Manches. What is Manches? Is that like an Italian restaurant? What the fuck are you talking about? The way you said that, it sounded like everyone was gonna know. Like we were gonna know what you were talking about. Oh my God, we're at Monjes? You got a table?

Literally, what are you talking about? You said that so confidently. I plead the fifth, next question. Is it a restaurant? Tell us at least that. What the fuck is it? You can't just say it in a little place called Monjes. I plead the fifth. Next question. Is it a restaurant? Tell us at least that. What the fuck is it? You can't just say it.

A little place called Monjes. A little place called Monjes. You didn't reference to what your dad did. You didn't reference to what you talked about. You didn't. The drama is flowing like Chianti et Monjes. You guys, I'm just gonna keep laughing if I'm correct. Your dad was being oblivious about something,

you and your siblings laughed about it at a restaurant. That's all I know. Take up any of the next questions. I'm busy looking up mangas. What the fuck is mangas? It looks like there's a couple corporations, they're a tax preparer. It sounds like me as a 13 year old

asking for the manja section. Manja's restaurant. She won't tell us. She won't. It's so weird. We must respect her right. Why didn't bring it up though? There's manja, M-A-N-G-I-A.

Manja, manja's Italian restaurant. It's Italian for eat, I think, right? You know what, I'd like to eat another question, Jake. Okay. Oh my God, but I did find it. Manja restaurant and cafe in North Buffalo Road or Church Park, that seems like it's close to your house. Is there a section on the website for people

that aren't allowed to dine there anymore? Yeah, wow, there's a picture of Emily's dad. What's going on? I have a little place called Manja's. Okay. We're gonna do for Manja's what we did for jalapenos. Yeah, we're putting it on the map. But it's kind of interesting that I would have thought that

this generation's parents would kind of understand gaming a little bit better. Because I know my parents, if they walked in on me playing D&D or something when I was a kid, which I didn't play D&D. I didn't even know about it. Right. Um, they would have not understood and not respected it and just been like,

like, do you want, do you want a grilled cheese? Something that, but I think that this isn't about not understanding gaming. This is about being a parental figure. And sometimes parental figures are just like, I need a little attention. That is true. I think that he just was needing attention and he wasn't doing it well. Yeah. He wasn't doing it right. Yeah. Everybody missed each other in this moment. Yeah. One time I was leveling up in the crater in Final Fantasy 7 and my dad made me turn off the PlayStation before I could save it. Oh wow. To do something

important? I was grinding. I was trying to get to, I did eventually get to level 99. But I was grinding. You set you back? I meant grinding like fighting, getting levels. Just like crater and grinding. What? Making a crater by grinding.

Cloud was grinding. Cloud was grinding to get levels up. And I lost a bunch of freaking levels. That's tough. It was tough. Have you confronted him about it as an adult? Because that might be, this might be a good guide line for what this person should do.

You wanna know a good place to have that conversation? Little place called Monjes. I'm gonna invite my dad to Monjes. Did you just go there and everyone is confronting their dad? If you need to have a tough conversation with the person who raised you, do it at Monjes. That's their commercial. Yeah.

It's like an Italian guy playing like an accordion, just like serenading. Let's sentence this family to eat dinner at Monjes. Yeah, you gotta go to Monjes. You guys gotta go to- Confront your dad at Monjes. You gotta confront your dad at Monjes. Even though we're on your side,

so the dad is getting confronted. Well, your dad's gonna pay. The dad's paying. Oh yeah, dad's paying and he is getting confronted. The dad's paying. Oh yeah, the dad's paying and he's getting confronted. And just like a bowl of spaghetti at Monja's, so ordered. Insane. Insane.

Emily, what was that? A little place of Monja's. She leaned back out of it. Yo. It just slammed on. There's just slam dunk. There's some upstate New York people listening and they're like, mm mm mm mm. Some upstate who are like, yeah, I've commiserated

with my favorite exam mantras. OK. Arknon writes to us, to the esteemed seat of rules, Justice Murphy, seat of goofs, Justice Tanner, seat of chaos, Justice Axford, and the mediocre Bailiff Jim. Oh! That's so funny.

I do like the misnaming theme that got going here. Yeah, Jim, Josh. Yeah, Josh the Hedgehog. That is a good name. There was another one that I didn't pick where they called me Jack, so that was good. Jack, okay. I present the case of the stolen healer.

I was playing in a first ED, I was playing in a first edition Pathfinder campaign. Go ahead. Fuck you, man. First edition Pathfinder campaign. Sorry to burst your bubble there. So slow. So slow.

And the party was fighting ghouls, which unfortunately sucked one of the other players' life force from their character, Durzal. Fuck. Effectively killing them. My gnome cleric, Rithus Spice, oh god, Rithus Spicy Fingers was best friends with Dersal. Yeah, Gersal and Rithus, it feels good to say.

There's a common theme on this show where Jake says the stupidest name possible and we all just like nod and move and be like, yes, yes, absolutely. A little name called Dersal. Dersal anal cream. So he wanted to mourn the death of his friend and settle near the city that the group basically ran.

I was a heal bot and wanted a fresh new character with better stats and hopefully a little more fun than just heal pass. After hearing that I wanted to retire Spicy Fingers and play them again later, the DM instead took complete control of the PC saying, well, the party has no other healer and they need one. Crit Justices, am I wrong in being upset at this

years after it happened? Should I just let the pain of Rithus's agency being taken away from me flow away? I humbly await your verdict. Well, I mean, okay, so there's a couple of questions. Should it have happened to you? No, I definitely understand being frustrated about that. Holding onto it all these years later,

as you've described it, now that actually, you do have agency to decide to let go. You've sacrificed your agencies for Rithus's. Was Rithus an actual robot, or are they just saying healbot facetiously? Healbot facetiously. Yeah, yeah. Okay, all right.

Because a healing robot sounds fun. Sounds pretty cool, yeah. And how could you possibly let that go? I mean, I'm sure that the DM was well-intentioned by being like, well, I wanna make sure there's a healer, but there are also being like, this person wants to do something other than heal. So let's, let's.

It is so weird. It sounds like the player wanted for their story to retire them in a way where they get a little bit of a send off. Or it's like they're here, they're retiring because they're mourning their friend. That must have been so weird playing alongside your own character as an NPC.

That would be very uncomfortable. You're just like a new character and then Rithys is like doing shit that you wouldn't do. I mean, it would be like in campaign one or something. And after you guys saved the crick, Moonshine was like, you know what, y'all, I actually got to stay here and make sure I protect my people. Sounds like Emily's talking right now.

And then she rolls a new character. And then I'm like, actually everybody, Moonshine's coming along because you need to get out. I'm still here. Just like worst Moonshine I've ever seen. I hit my head. Hey everybody, because you need to get up. Guess what? I'm still here. Just like worst Mood Shot in the whole game. I hit my head. Hey, everybody. I'm here, and awesome.

Whoa. What? That just seems rude. I didn't sound like that, did I? Oh, dang. I dropped my stuff. I'm clumsy. This seems like so easy to solve.

You just have that character give them an amulet or something. Yeah, you do the healing surge or something. There's something like we have a potion based campaign now. There's so many ways to get around not having a healer in the party. You are right that it's a bummer. Yeah, it was not the right thing to do. But I guess, I don't know, DMs make mistakes.

It sounds like a well-intentioned mistake. Totally. But also, it was a mistake nonetheless. A mistake nonetheless. And thus they need to be punished. How many years were they holding out at this grudge for? Four and a half? Oh, they said 45.

Yeah, they said 45. 45 years. They're entering retirement now and they're wondering if they can finally rest. What was the name of the restaurant? Monja's. Monja's. I didn't say it was a restaurant.

Yes, you just did. They didn't say it was a restaurant. You guys have just did. They didn't say it was a restaurant. You guys have to go to Monja's. Right. And you need to talk this out. On the anniversary of the death, you have to go to Monja's. On the anniversary.

Or not the death, of the anniversary of the leaving of the party. Or the anniversary of the death of Durzell. Yeah, the anniversary of Durzell's death. There we go. The Durzell dirge. And they will be buying you Monja's. Okay.

Yeah. So, ordered. Our next case comes from Kevin W. Kevin writes, Hear ye, can anybody hear me? I beseech. We're here. Follow our voice. It's like a town crier, but in the apocalypse. Hear ye, hear ye, can anybody hear me? Kevin W. fell down the well. Can anybody hear me? Kevin W fell down the well. I beseech the honorable, unfetterable justices of the Supreme Crit and I give a thin smile and hey to the bailiff.

Oh, that's great energy. That's a good point. This person is killing it already. Hey, what's up, James? My problem is thus. I play an Elven warlock, packed of the chain, parentheses, important. I love when they earmarked that.

Everybody earmarked that. Okay, let's not forget that I said this was important. Hey, I'm still remembering the chicken. Hang on folks, what pact? Yeah, Pact of the Chain. Highlight that if you don't mind. Little pact called of the chain. To make a long story short,

I was falling from a height that would surely kill me from falling damage. In a moment of panic and IMO, genius, I threw my familiar down in front of me so it would hit the ground first. Before hitting the ground, I cast Eldritch Blast attacking myself. I have the invocation, Repelling Blast.

That allows you to push a creature 10 feet away in a straight line if you hit. I wanted to slow my fall using this method That would work for me that I like I like that's pretty cool My DM said that's insane and I didn't end up dying thanks to stable death throes But I still think it should have worked what say ye most honorable justices and okay. Okay first off I don't actually understand how the familiar came into play. I think that you can shoot from the familiar. So they threw their familiar down. But couldn't you Eldritch blast the floor?

But yeah, OK, OK, I see what you're saying. Yeah, same principle. I think this is airtight. I really like this move. I think that this is a great move. Yeah, it's cool. It uses your, it uses all of your abilities. Yeah.

Your character kind of is like built to do this. That's kind of sick. Yeah, I think this is a sick move. Yeah, Caldwell is into this idea. Parentheses, Ernest. Yeah. Freaking energy beams move people. As we've seen in Dragon Ball, when Goku fought Tien at the end of that one tournament, and Goku and Tien are both falling out of the sky, and one of them's going to hit the ground first, and whoever hits the ground first loses the tournament, but they're both so hurt.

And then Goku just is able to bring up a little bit of energy for a very weak Kamehameha that shoots him a little bit higher into the air, but then he gets hit by a car and falls down faster, and Tien actually wins. But for that moment, he did get shot up a little bit. So, certainly. Yeah, I think this should have worked. I think that how I'm picturing it is, But for that moment he did get shot up a little bit. So, certainly.

Yeah, I think this should have worked. I think that how I'm picturing it is you get like move backwards and then instead of falling for like 60 feet or whatever you just fall for those 10 feet. Yeah, it interrupts your momentum. Or like 15 feet. I think I, I mean I get a little bit where the DM's coming from, it's hard for us because I think we go very

video game slash anime style. But if somebody's playing a more kind of like buttoned up game. Right. Context is important where like, has your DM allowed other stuff that was remotely like, Oh, okay. That's fair. This to me is kind of like textbook rule of cool though. Like that's just a bad ass fucking moment.

Why would you take that away? That seems kind of crazy to me. It's so cinematic. Right. Yeah. It's very cool. Yeah. What were the conditions that led to you falling too? Yeah cinematic. Right, yeah, it's very cool. Yeah. What were the conditions that led to you falling too? Yeah.

Because maybe if they had done some Jackassery and were falling and they were like, well, I'm gonna do something cool. Were you believe in yourself? Yeah. Were you? These cases are often missing a lot of context on purpose because I asked for the shortest possible case.

Keep it brief. We can't technically punish you for that. Yeah. But I mean, it sounds sick to me. I'm trying to look up repelling blasts to see if there's any hints in there. I would say if it moves a creature, I could see why it would slow your fall

and at least like eat up some of the damage. Yeah, although the only other way to interpret this is that like if the familiar is in the air and it uses the repelling blast and it's super small, it might just push itself further down. That's not what the spell does. Oh, that's true. It's like a spell effect.

Yeah, it's got like a, yeah. I'm just saying, yeah, if you were falling out of an airplane and you tossed your familiar, you tossed, I guess, let's say, a ferret in front of you. And the ferret had like a riot gun full of sandbags and a blast. Of course, yeah. I feel like the ferret would like a riot gun full of sandbags and a blast. Of course, yeah. I feel like the ferret would get pushed further down. And that's what you have to do when Andrew WK

is flying the plane, because you know it's going down. You have to get out there and you have to save your ferret. Although I'm gonna say I fully side with this player and I sentence your DM to try on chinos at the Gap with a chicken. Yup, yup. Chicken chinos. Chicken chinos. You gotta wear chicken chinos, you gotta go to try on chinos at the Gap with a chicken. Yup, yup. Chicken chinos. Chicken chinos.

You gotta wear chicken chinos, you gotta go to the Gap, you gotta get yourself a pair of chicken chinos. You guys remember boyfriend jeans? Well these are chicken chinos. They're so thin. Pecked to death. They're not distressed, they're pecked.

They're pecked. They're khakis that a chicken picked out. We got a hutch over there, they're pecking on the jeans pecked, they're khakis that a chicken picked out. We got a hutch over there, they're pecking on the jeans in them. The chicken picked these out and picked at them. There is a little hole for your spurs. And your nuds. Okay, so ordered, chicken chinos?

Chicken chinos. What a beautiful phrase. Yeah, all right, well then that just about does it for Dungeon Court, but we do have to step into church for a moment because we have a confession. I'm there. All right, great. Yeah.

I'm descending from my podium. It looks like I'm descending, but actually if you look closely, there is like a mechanism that's like grasping me and I'm just like slowly floating down. It's a miracle. Yes. And there's a lot of mist.

There's fog everywhere, so everyone's just cheering. I'm playing party hard on the organ. Yeah. Yeah. Reese P. writes, I have a confession to Dice Christ that must be made and declared in front of the court, and all that will bear witness. Speak, child.

In our campaign, we have a wizard born from the curse of the Jabberwock, while beyond the witch light. After a big battle, each player rolled a D100 to see what magic item they got from the DM's guide. The wizard was one digit away from the Vorpal Sword and the key to help defeat his cursor. In a crime of passion, a moment of true character progression was bestowed, but the players did not know I fudged the roll. May Dice Christ and the court have mercy on my soul." So this DM gifted the Vorpal Sword. They're a wizard, right? Yeah. It's still a wizard swinging a Vorpal Sword. I mean,

unless this wizard, isn't that going to be strength? Does Vorpal use something else? I'm not sure. No, no, no. Vorpal's different, but I'm not sure what pact they are or what this... I don't know much about this class. Could be a... Oh, wait. Is it a specific class? Yeah, it sounded pretty specific. Yeah.

Well, this is like, this is some... Oh gosh, I cannot remember the name of the person. It's Alice in Wonderland. Lewis Carroll, I believe? Beware the Jabberwock, my friends. Yeah, this is all like Jabberwocky stuff. The claws that... something. Uh-huh.

So like they need that sword to kill the Jabberwocky or something like that it sounds like. Right, yeah, this wizard was like cursed by something and the Vorpal Sword is the thing that will undo it. Oh, okay. I think you're fucking fine. You're more than fine. One digit off.

One digit off, you know what, you know who nudged that digit? You thought it was you nudging, but that was Dice Christ nudging. Yeah, Dice Christ worked through you. Yeah, and you know what, it wasn't even a nudge it was a nudge wow wow nudging towards the vorpal sword which is the name of my album i think you did what 99 percent of people would do in that situation yeah especially with like a big table like that i would imagine there's things on there

that you wouldn't want your players to have, that you would have done the reverse. That you would have been, if they landed on it, you would have been like, ah, this is bad for the story. This is bad for the game. I didn't have time to look at all 100 items here. That's actually the true balance of it all. There were things that you would have taken away

and things that you would gift. And you were pointed in the direction of the gift. And Dice Christ gives and Dice Christ takes away. Doesn't the Vorpal Sword, it says when you attack a creature that has at least one head with this weapon and roll a 20 on the attack roll, you cut off one of the creature's heads. So dice Christ is still going to be weighing in. Yeah, that's true. There's no better sword than a Vorpal Sword. Yeah.

For dice Christ's purpose. For dice Christ to work through. Yes, exactly. All right. So order. Yeah. For Dice of Christ purpose. For Dice of Christ to work through. Yes, exactly. All right. So ordered, yeah. I think- So forgiven. You know what?

Go and take another vorpal sword for yourself. You earned it. Yeah, you earned it. You earned it. Everyone gets one. Just have one. Yeah. Bring it to the code check at Monjes.

A little place called Monjes. Called Monjes. Literally what? A little place called Manges. Literally what? And then refused to elaborate. That was... No, it's better that way. The mystery will live on. Loki, one of the craziest moments we've had on the show.

Ah, senor, welcome to Manges. Speak nothing of this. Maybe. Wild. Maybe not. Well, everyone, it's been a pleasure. It's been a blessing. I am going to ponder manges for the rest of my life.

Yeah. We're going to go ahead and wrap this one up. Thank you all so much for submitting your cases. And with that, Caldwell wanted to take us out. Court is adjourned? Court is adjourned? Court is adjourned. No, court is not adjourned until Emily tells us what Mongeuse is. Rolling with the chicken chinos. Rolling with the chicken chinos. A little place called Mongeuse.