Not As We Planned - 16. The Downside of Social Media

Episode Date: October 26, 2023

This week we talk all things social media. Including the impact it has on mum guilt, pressure, comparisons and the list goes on ... Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your

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So get comfy, grab a cup of tea. Or a glass of wine. And let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. This week's episode is sponsored by Voucher Codes, the UK's most trusted discount code site. So since we spoke about it last week, I downloaded the app because I need to steal Winter Shark and update my wardrobe. And I got a really good discount on ASOS. That is so good. Did you also know that if you use your reward offers on the app, you can track them and then you get your gift vouchers

on the app so good so for anyone who hasn't download the app and start saving money let me tell you about your holiday or more to the point your packing list oh that packing list i thought i'd be helpful know, showing people what I pack. You've set yourself up. Literally, because I saw it and I messaged you straight away, like, I can guess about three of those things. That's what you scribbled. So for anyone that hadn't seen all my stories, and whenever I go away, I always do my packing list.

I like vibrator. I like my packing list. I like my categories. And so I shared it to be helpful. I crossed some things out due to just privacy. But then you guys were just so desperate to find out what these things were. So I thought I'd give a little exclusive. I'm not going to say everything, but let's be honest.

We can read between the lines, can't we? I went away without kids and just with my boyfriend. some things i took also do you know what's funny is some people were really trying to guess but i put things in the wrong category um yeah so i'm telling you now the electrics is should we just start the episode? No, try and get out this one. Can I just say, the electrics wasn't even, like, a big thing. All I actually cleared off was, and it's not even electric, was my tripod and my camera, but I just knew, I knew that if people saw that,

I knew that if people saw that on my list, they'd think that I'm making some, like, OnlyFans thing. So I thought, I'm just going people saw that I knew that if people saw that on my list they'd think that I'm making some OnlyFans things, I thought I'm just going to cross that out just to give myself like Did I give her a follow on OnlyFans? So yeah, just you know like what we've been talking about spicing things up, some of those things were on my list and the rest can be

left to your imagination Great holiday! Do you know what? It was really weird because I'm used to obviously not being with the kids, but I just found it so much harder than I thought I would. This was probably the hardest time away from them. And I think it's because we went to a resort where kids are, and it's a resort where I hadn't been to this

particular one but I've been to others with the kids and then like there were kids around I just found it quite triggering I did get quite upset it got easier as the days went on and we facetimed loads but yeah no generally like once I sort of like managed to push that aside it was just so nice to just do nothing and and I haven't been on like a sunbathing like chill holiday since becoming a mum like without kids so it was just so nice to like just read a book and sunbathe and not time watch and yeah it was just it was amazing so yeah very grateful that I got the chance to go away and it was really nice and now back to reality how was your week it's been a really busy week just feel like it's been really full-on I feel I feel really overwhelmed this week I feel my

anxiety is like sky high just like a number of things just I think sometimes you have days like that don't you don't you know the kids were awful like milo had an apt at nursery theo came back and like they were basically just like attacking each other till bedtime and you know when like every noise stimulates you milo's birthday balloons they were like laying on the floor jumping on it like every sound i could just feel like my brain and you know you're just like and even yeah and then of course you put them to bed and then you feel awful because as well I feel like I've got this new guilt

when I don't like Theo is in school and Milo is in nursery so I felt like it didn't even happen that day what right do I have to get that frustrated by them for such a little period of time and then I end up feeling guilty and then like thinking crap mum and you know it's just that whole thing so yeah um this week's just a bit and I always kind of struggle this week so this is the week where like the weekend just

gone I literally only had 18 hours kid free like I literally had just the Friday night kid free and I was back with the kids by midday on the Saturday so it's not that much of a breather and I feel like by the time so this weekend coming is my long weekend away from the kids whereas I used to really like stress about that I feel like god I'm I feel really guilty saying it I'm on the count then to make sure I need it no you need it yeah which is exciting so yeah I'm just I feel like I'm on a screen today but okay don't scream on the podcast because you don't want it hurting anyone's ears also I really resonate with the you know I feel like there's been times where the kids have been dropped back at me after me not having them all weekend and then I only have them for like an hour before bedtime and there have been occasions where I snap or

I don't feel like I'm that calm collected just had a weekend off mum and then I'm like but I don't have the right like what like I've just recouped why do I not have the patience but like again like we're human like it happens and it kind of like makes me feel better knowing that you sometimes have been like that so then I feel like okay it's not just me yeah you have no right to be this frustrated but yeah and you can be it happens yeah one of those days yeah new day so today we wanted to kind of talk about like the impact of social media in general you know being a mum being a wife or partner just I feel like being a female yeah I feel like social media as we've said before has so many positives

it it brings people together that never would have met and situations like us being able to do this podcast and helping others and connecting with other single mums and those positives are amazing. But then I feel like there are those real negatives that I feel like social media is maybe partly to blame for putting that extra pressure on people in general comparing other people and their lives and the reason why we want to talk about this I actually spoke about it in my stories on Instagram the other day because I feel like as you hit October and like summer's very much gone and you're going into the winter months and everywhere is like

advertisement for like Halloween and then it's going to be Christmas soon I felt this like immense like overwhelming anxiety the other day of like oh my god it's nearly Halloween like everyone's decorating their houses I need to get outfits for the kids and like everyone's doing like really fun days out pumpkin picking and all these things and then I started worrying about Christmas and like I need to start booking like Santa meet and greet said and you know I shared that and I said like I want to know is it just me that feels this way or is it other people and everyone was saying like it's social media it's social media like our parents didn't have this because you didn't weren't able to see what other people were doing and I don't know I felt I feel like it's almost like a bit of a a double-edged sword is probably it's maybe the wrong phrase that I'm using but I feel like

social media is impacting that negativity on me as well but then I almost feel guilty that I feel like I'm almost partly to blame for that because then I'm sharing content of things that could make yeah so I almost feel like this guilt of like I'm playing a part of that but at the same time I'm receiving the like negativity of it from other people I don't know it's it's hard you mean especially like around Halloween and around big like times of the year like you know you see these people making out Halloween boxes for their kids or like doing booking things and do you know you see these people making out halloween boxes for their kids or like doing booking things and do you know what i've actually found like really overwhelming where i only get one and you're probably saying one significant weekend with the kids every

fortnight i was like wow i literally have two weekends to book halloween stuff in yeah so like then i got myself in a flap about that the other day. I haven't. I'm stressed. It doesn't matter if you don't pumpkin pick. Can I just say, if you don't go and see a bloody pumpkin this entire October, you still give them up.

Go to Tesco's and get a pumpkin for three pounds. Theo asked to do it. He remembered it. We keep driving past this sign. And I'm, I sat there and I was like,

yeah, yeah, we've got the whole of October. And then I was like, I don't, yeah, I've got a half term in it, and I was like yeah yeah we're like we've got the whole of October and then I was like that I don't yeah I've got a half term in it but I was like wow I I don't have all these weekends I had before and also now Theo's in school I don't have the whole day yeah do it and I I was like ah and now that sends them me into spiraling over the Christmas thing it's going to be the same situation we're going to have two weekends in december to do those fun christmasy stuff and i actually got really sad about it yeah it does bother me wow like christmas is one of my favorite times of the year i love the build-up i love doing christmasy stuff and now i'm like wow like

having two of those weekends stripped of me yeah with my kids yeah and yeah i got myself in a bit of a fuck about it but um i guess it's all like one of those things of single parenting even like the pressures not just single parenting the pressures we feel to live up to certain standards and you know like it's even what you see on social media with like pack lunches you know there are those mums out there that do like the star-shaped sandwiches yeah and that I'm just not that mum and I never would be or will be that mum but I still I still look at that and I'm a bit like, I feel bad. But I shouldn't feel bad because I'm sure I do things that that person doesn't do. I put little eyes and little things.

And Theo starts to ask me, why are those little stuff? And I'm like, why am I doing it? It's just pressure on myself. My kid doesn't even like it. Yeah. What am I doing? Yeah. But I agree.

I think where lots of things are glamorized for Instagram and, you know, a lot of people do post the happy things or you know what else is and it triggers me sometimes. You know when people do like the restock of their fridge, it's like... Like the snacks and the thing and there's some of that ASMR. Yeah. And their fridge looks perfect. I'm'm like wow like you should see my fridge i've seen it yeah i mean it's really like and then you think maybe i'm not doing like my fridge needs to be organized i'm like not being

funny fridge is bottom on my fucking priority list at the moment and like the i mean i would love my fridge light my phone wants to come love my fridge light my fridge light has been broken for like two years so when it's when it's dark i open the fridge i'm so used to it now but i feel like my dad always makes comment whenever he comes over he's like your fridge light's not working i'm like yeah i'm aware and on my doorbell doesn't even fucking work okay like just let me be like my kids are happy and they're alive but no like it is it's one of those things and sometimes I think you need to take Instagram and TikTok and whatever with a Pinterest and realize that sometimes these people are filming those things just for that content

and they might do that cool packed lunch on that one day they film it and then the next day they're throwing in their crisps they're throwing in their sausage rolls or yeah leftover crust and I think you do need to just kind of like look at the bigger picture and realize that my kids are happy with a bowl of pasta and cheese I don't need to make my warm stew in my slow cooker. I mean, I would love to. All my homemade soups are fuming. But yeah, we just thought that we'd kind of like touch on generally these kind of things. I mean, I remember you can't win really when it comes to social media

someone's always going to have an opinion whether you do something one way or another let's take like when you've got a newborn for example and you decide to breastfeed or bottle feed I remember getting um negative messages about breastfeeding, almost saying that I'm throwing it in people's faces that I'm breastfeeding. And it's really unfair on those that bottle feed. And then I feel like I've seen friends at bottle feed that are getting hate for not breastfeeding.

And it's like, people are always going to have an opinion. And the sad thing is, because of social media and people can hide behind a screen, people are happy to put their opinion and a lot of the time actually it is, I had similar with breastfeeding, like I don't want to see it,

you just constantly reminded me that I can't. That's not the message I've ever tried to send across. I shared my journey, my struggles, you know, I really struggled with Theo to wean him off the boob and onto a muir. And she gave me great anxiety. It was very, you know, I couldn't read too many things. My kid, yeah, would refuse to have anything else. And, you know, it's like when you say, if you bottle feed, you get hate.

Breast is best. This is best this is best if you breastfeed you get hate from people who are saying you're flaunting it about or put your tits away yeah um and i forgive me for talking out of turn but i feel like people just think it's so much deeper than it is like it's's not. It's just so many of us are just mums sharing our journey. That is part of my journey. I'm not saying this is the way you should do it. This isn't the way you should do it.

I'm just sharing this is what we're doing. This is what works for us and everyone is different. And I feel like people have so many of their own insecurities and anyone who gets triggered by that it's not you it's not you doing anything wrong by breastfeeding it's not you doing anything wrong by bottle feeding it's their own insecurities which they feel like they can project onto you because they can hide behind the keyboard and yeah one of the struggles i've always found with social media no matter what i share in terms of no even comments about like what trainers I put my

child in oh you're damaging their foot or like just honestly like some of the stuff I mean I know you get it it's just like insane how people can be offended by some of the stuff I've been called out on I'm like I'm not trying to hurt anyone I'm just doing what I think is best for me and my children you know I'm I'm gonna make mistakes along the way and I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I'm just doing what I think is best for me and my children. You know, I'm going to make mistakes along the way and I'm going to figure that out, you know, and I'm not saying this is how you do it, but we just share our journey of motherhood. Yeah, and I feel like if people don't like what they see,

just don't watch. I'm a big believer that with social media we shouldn't be follow you counts that we feel triggered by because i feel like you're then feeding your negative like if you know you're really triggered by breastfeeding because you can't do it i would unfollow that for a while so for example um after i had theo and i was really triggered and i had a really traumatic birth i was really triggered by people who had had a natural birth and that's not on them like i'm happy people could have that but i knew at that time seeing things like that was triggering so anyone i knew

who i was following who i know was expecting a baby around the same time as me I muted their stories or muted their posts so I didn't have to see yeah I feel like it's really important that you control what you're exposed to because if you know you're triggered by certain things or certain things upset you you have to take control like I don't know I know people who follow people who they hate what they post it's like why are you following them if you follow people it's to get inspiration or because it brings you enjoyment or because it's relatable or whatever it is and i feel like if that's not bringing any of those things go quietly i hate when people say you've done this and i'm following like you don't need to announce me or unfollow me. Just go for it. You're not going to lose any sleep over it.

Yeah. Just go. I feel like it's the same when I was going through a separation and I saw, you know, certain accounts posting a lot of, like, couple stuff. Yes. You know, or, you know, I remember when we both said we stayed off social media on Father's Day. So I think that we should take responsibility for kind of like, as you said, what we choose to watch.

But yeah, I don't know. The other day I just found it's my doing by putting pressure on my, I'm choosing to put pressure on myself for these things like the Halloween and the Christmas and the birthdays you know I don't I don't get that pressure from my children I'm choosing to do that so I think that I actually need to learn and accept that actually my kids would probably be happy if I put a black bin bag on them for a cape do you know what I mean I think it is that financial pressure as well when maybe when your kids are at school and they start talking to their friends and like oh this is what I did at Christmas or this is what I did for Halloween like even like four years ago Halloween wasn't even really much

of a like the house decorating and the front door thing and stuff like that like I don't know I guess sometimes it just makes me sad to think that people feel like they need to keep up with other people and especially if you can't afford to there are obviously ways of like doing it cheaper and going to different places you know you can go and buy a pumpkin for three pound from Tesco's and do like 25 pounds on two and then do like fun like pumpkin carving at home rather than having to go to like pay for you and all your children to go to a pumpkin patch and so you know you can I don't know I guess it's just like the world we live in as well isn't it and I don't want to be here and sound like a hypocrite because I I do understand that maybe being an influencer there are times where I do play a part in that and that makes me sad because I that that's not what I'm trying to like give off on my account I feel like our accounts are very similar in the

respect of kind of just sharing that like real life like when my house is a mess you see it's a mess when I look like shit you'll see I look shit like I don't kind of like try and pretend that I'm this like pristine and like yeah really like aesthetically pleasing like my house is always a fucking mess but that's why I kind of like to show that I like and then I get the messages of like thanks for showing me this today like I really needed this because all the other accounts I see like really clean houses and they've got their shit together like yeah it is just the world that we live in now and I think we've just got to kind of like accept the bad with the good and if you want to be on social media you've got to I need to take responsibility to not put the pressure on myself and I'm still going to do it I know I will yeah I think as well

like what you're talking about in terms of like comparing yourself you found like after your separation I really noticed that I got really triggered seeing anyone write anything nice about like their partners so I just I would just any account that came up I would just mute would you yeah I don't want to see it and you know I know there's things coming up that are going to trigger that those family photos by the Christmas tree and all those things I I can feel I don't know if it's that feeling of like impending sadness or like impending triggers I know it's coming and there's like it's also the time of year that's associated with tradition like it's the idea of starting new traditions and not quite knowing how things are going to work now and you know like last year we started a new tradition

of going to buy a real christmas tree together but do you know what I think it's just trying to then make new yeah I said I so last year was my first Christmas obviously like since the separation so I got rid of all my old decorations and I bought everything new and I did the tree with the kids and it was it was it's bittersweet it's one of those things isn't it like my new tree is so much nicer like I felt good like this is my tree with my kids like it was really nice having one of my trees I was always in charge of decorating right so that's my tree yeah I feel like yeah I feel like it's just one of those things that we went to like Lapland UK like two years in a row so last year I didn't want to go there so that's fine you just think of like new things to do to make it special for like you're still a

family or just a different dynamic um I feel like maybe closest to the time we will go into more detail about like a Christmas episode. It just reminded me of something like talking about Black Planet UK again like on Instagram I feel like when you're coming up to Christmas you see that all over Instagram and I remember looking at it and seeing how much it costs it's a really really expensive day out for what is a few hours and again like i feel like as parents we feel the pressure to do things like that and to you know sometimes put ourselves in financially difficult situations because everyone in our head everyone's doing these things we have to like it's a reminder like it is okay to take your child to a garden centre, Santa, who charges £5. The garden centres are beautiful.

And do you know what? Can we also just appreciate that when I went on holiday with my kids, the first holiday that I went on after my separation, we went to a villa, I feel like I spoke about it before, and it was a really nice holiday. And I remember like, I think it may have been like two days after we got back from holiday and I was needing to all the unpacking and everything so I let the kids um just have like a bit of like an iPad day and I remember Blake turning around to me that afternoon saying mummy this has been the best day of my life. And I was like, cool. Like we just went on holiday,

but like the best day of his life was his iPad. And I just think like, sometimes it's like, they're young. Like, yeah, it is us. I had my kids saying like, all my friends going to Lapland UK, like when can I go? Or like, they went to this really nice, all inclusive holiday.

When can I go? Like my kids are so easily pleased by the smallest things. If I buy them some shitty magazine that's £2, they literally think that they've hit the fucking jackpot. It's like the presses of birthdays and stuff. Yeah. And, you know, you see everyone with these elaborate balloon displays. And I feel bad because I'm guilty of that.

I probably do. I do the balloon displays I probably do I do the I do the balloon displays yeah I took the pressure off myself this year I'm actually quite proud of I have always done that just because I enjoy doing it I still got like a few little balloons and I I bought what I could afford this year on and like it was actually like, yeah, my kids are very lucky they got what they got. But also like, literally didn't care. Like when I asked Theo what he wanted for his birthday this year, or was it Christmas? He wanted an acorn tree. Like he doesn't care about the expensive stuff.

They actually do not care. The thing we did that day on Theo's birthday this year, I didn't know what to do. All I knew is I wanted time just us three. And we went and hired a beach half of the day. And it's just like, I don't know, we think these kids want these singing, all doing days and things and objects, but they don't.

Like what they really want is that time with us. Yeah. That's all they really want. They need to learn hair about the rest of it. You know, like I've got Milo a scooter. Don't get me wrong. He loves the scooter. But they get far more from sitting and playing with me.

And on his birthday, like the best part of that day, we were sat playing with like the dominoes and we were sat reading books together. And it wasn't actually about any of the things I got him. It was us being together, doing it together. Yeah. Yeah, no, I do really agree with that like I find that me just taking the kids out after school to go and grab an ice cream like and just like us then like sitting and like having our ice creams and catching up on our day

I can see how much joy that brings them more than like don't get me wrong they get excited when they open a new present but that present gets forgotten about eventually so yeah I think it's trying to really understand who's the one putting the pressure on yourself it is us I think it's you know it's that pressure as well with that it with having that perfect relationship like I'm so guilty of I'm not saying for a second that I stayed in my marriage because of like society and what people would think but it is again I think it is actually like the pressure that I put on myself as to what will people think of me being a single mum it is like again I feel like sometimes I don't realize it until I say it out loud like do people really care or was it just me caring

what other people thought because everyone else is showing their perfect happy families but I think you also need to remind yourself that like sometimes I put photos up of my perfect family and it was far from fucking perfect yeah second one you're like smile everyone smile pretend you're fucking happy like they've been arguing all day you and your your ex whoever it's been snapping at each other all day and no one's really enjoyed it and that's what i'm so guilty and that's what i noticed like when i first took theo to disney on my own in my head it was like i'm around all these perfect families but i felt like i was seeing everything on lock in front of me and i'm like these people are snapping at each other like we put this pressure on ourselves it's gonna be perfect thing and like the reality is it's not and And I wish everyone just like accepted.

It's just not like that. That's also okay because it's normal. Like no one's going to be happy all the time. And, you know, relationships, particularly when you have kids, it's stressful. I feel like not just that, but like the pressure of being a female and on social media and, you know, I don't think we've spoken about it before, but like the pressure and dangers of comparing yourself to, you know, people whose photos are heavily edited or altered or, you know, using different apps is so dangerous to like our self-esteem.

And like one thing coming out of my marriage I've really struggled with is that feeling beautiful and feeling you know like attractive because of how I was made to feel like in the way that my relationship ended and then like so you're feeling like that And then you're scrolling through social media with these people with perfect teeth and perfect, you know, no lines on their forehead and like perfectly flawless skin. We don't realize like the negativity we're feeding ourselves by the pressure. Yeah. It's unrealistic. And I also think that a lot of the people that post those photos like they probably don't know they don't

look like that i've seen i've seen so many people i've seen them but they don't look like that in person there's a lot of people who when you see them in your real life you're like and i think that's the scary thing. And that sort of terrifies me. I mean, I don't have a girl. You know, I used to go to saying, like, it's only girls affected. But I do think young girls growing up with this pressure of social media, the idea terrifies me. I used to work in an all-girls grammar school.

And just, like, the range of mental health issues, so many stemming from social media, it petrifies my pressures, actually is terrifying. Like, it scares me. And, you know, I feel like you see it in society now, the difference that 12-year-old girls look like now. When I was 12, I used to wear a backwards baseball cap. I took my hair off to when i was 12 i used to wear a backwards baseball cap i took my hair off to like this height i used to walk around in an england shirt like i love that yeah but you don't get that like awkward like stages anymore with girls

i remember when i was your nipples and you you're like i feel like you look at like a 14 year old now she's got this long beautiful gorgeous hair fake tan probably lashes uh in like mini tops and like baggy jeans with uggs at 14 babe i was attempting to straighten my hair with an iron all this all the bits here are all fuzzy i i just i i was a mess but like i didn't i didn't know i was a mess, but I didn't know I was a mess because everyone was a mess. And I feel like I had the best childhood. I feel like I've got to be a child. Yeah.

I didn't care. Like, I was one of those kids at lunchtime who was finding mudslides in the school grounds and, like, just stuff like that. We used to have, I don't know why I was saying this story, but we used to have this school disco with like the boys' school. And so like all the girls used to get really worked up. I just was not remotely interested.

And you know what I spent my time doing at the disco? No. Putting stuff in your belly button. I pretended I had a twin and i took two outfits and i spread i spread the disc i get in chains between these two outfits guess what that's not even bloody no it's it but for me it was hilarious and i had time and i got to just be a kid like i wasn't worrying about boys a kid or a weirdo a weird child very strange little being but I'm so proud

and you got to be yeah you didn't have that pressure to look a certain way also didn't have a pressure I remember being at school secondary school the whole way through

secondary school and even like the school lunches and everything I would just devour it and I'd go for seconds and I'd eat the dessert and I'd have another dessert. I don't remember feeling that pressure of body image either because social media wasn't a thing.

Even at uni, and like at uni, I had the most unhealthy lifestyle ever. I lived on pasta and cheese or jacket potato, beans and cheese and, you know, Lambrini and WKDs. Lambrini. Like, I did. I was unhealthy.

I wasn't fat, but I was chubby. I feel like, yeah, I was chubby. I would go out wearing stuff that now I'd be like, oh, I don't know if I can like wear. But I didn't care. And I love that. I didn't care what I wanted to wear.. But I didn't care and I love that I didn't. Yeah, same. Well, what I wanted to wear, I didn't care what anyone thought of me. I had this confidence that,

God, I wish I had now because I feel like there wasn't that pressure. I didn't care what other people thought. There wasn't like, you have to look this way. You have to have your, like I look back on my makeup now and I'm like, wow. I think, did you ever get the like colored hair mascara

and the blue I don't know I just feel like again seem quite hypocritical because there's certain aspects of social media that scare the life out of me for my kids but then I feel like but I do social media for a living and they're on my social media but I almost think that I know that I will guide them and give them that sort of guidance of explaining to them like that they're amazing who they are and like not I don't know I can't explain I just feel like yes it might seem hypocritical that we are in theory kind of adding to that those pressures but I think we just have that responsibility and I think there are certain brands that are taking responsibility I saw a really good campaign by Dove oh my god all of their campaigns are amazing those are the kind of things that need

to be shown to children in schools they're the kind of things that need to be shown to children in schools. They're the kind of things we need to be exposing our children to because I think as parents, we have that responsibility. We can't stop the world we live in. We can't change it single-handedly. And you also can't really hide it away from your kids. And look, the thing that terrifies me is kids being able to access the internet kids being able to access online like um you know seeing the way it scares me like even just like how sexual some

conversations are at such a young age now that terrifies me I hate the thought that they lose their innocence I feel like children aren't children for as long anymore yeah like i felt like a child until i was 16 17 genuinely did i didn't ever feel like any of that was part of my life and i feel like now children and again it's the pressure of the world we live in they're so desperate to become grown up and become this and become that and i feel like i don't know it absolutely terrifies me i actually can't think ahead of it because it like the um what's the word the like i get really intrusive thoughts yeah like future things that yeah i mean you know what's funny is I actually did, I did a psychology degree and my dissertation was about

how social media impacts body image for women. And I used a Dove advert. So even back then we're talking, we're talking what, 15 years ago. But yeah, like it is, it's, they are still hitting the nail on the head you're right like that advert yeah I almost feel quite passionate about like showing more things on my social media to kind of like help people not put pressure on themselves to do certain things like how I was feeling about Halloween and stuff but we do have to take responsibility like you said to choose what we

look at and what we get involved in but at the same time I feel like it is everywhere I feel like I mean I do have some friends that aren't on social media at all I do have those moments where I'm a bit like, I would just love to just shut off. But then obviously I'd be out of a job. So that's never going to happen. But it is, I guess, the world we live in now in general. Like I do think like if you're coming away and you're on your phone,

you're coming away feeling really negative and down. I think sometimes like having a detox yeah I mean it's really really helpful like I've done that and I do find it really helpful and actually I do it accidentally at the moment and like I don't scroll as much anymore some days I realize like and I've got to like the afternoon I've not scrolled at all and I feel like I'm so busy at the moment but also like where I'm kind of in a new relationship I feel like I'm actually and this is actually one of the really nice parts is I don't feel like I'm thinking to pick up my phone I've like I have whole weekends where I'm not on my social media at all because I've not I've been so busy actually like living my life

doing fun things that my my instinct isn't to pick up my phone and scroll and see what xyz's doing I think that's really refreshing sometimes and you know you can put things like limits on your phone so you can have you can set um there's certain settings you can put on your phone so you can only say you only wanted to scroll for 30 minutes a day you put a timer and then it like blocks you from opening instagrams so if you do feel like because it can be an addiction yeah you can be if you find i i find myself yeah i find myself sometimes i'll hold my phone i'll go into instagram i'll do what i want to do on it i'll come off the app

and then two seconds later automatically I've gone back on it I'm like but I've just been on it what else could I possibly look at do you know what I mean and sometimes I do like take a moment I'm like would that put that down because that's just really not necessary but again I think it's hard when you work on your phone it's like being on Instagram there there's things I'm doing for work. Where do you draw the line? Yeah. Really hard. Yeah. I find sometimes I can do something purposeful.

So I'm scrolling to look for some inspiration for content and doing that. And then it's been purposeful. And then suddenly I'm just doing something aimlessly. And I hate that. But that's what I love about podcasts. I feel like I know that we're both on the same page like we feel really passionately about this podcast because I feel like there's more purpose to it now don't get me wrong my Instagram I do feel like passionate about and I have a purpose for it and I feel like I try and share content that will you know be relatable to people but something like

this is a lot more like structured on this episode is to help people feel this way or relate and i feel like podcasts are a good way of a positive side to social media where you can pick what you want to listen to on a drive or instead of sitting there scrolling and and watching emily make her shake in the morning and see what she's going to eat and look that way and be all healthy. You can pick a really motivational podcast or a business one or just something that's going to make you laugh or feel good. I feel like podcasts are definitely something that I never really used to actually listen to. And until us doing it, I've been more inclined to find ones that I think, oh, do you know what? I'm actually going to listen to that because I feel like I could take something good from it.

I've been listening to podcasts since lockdown. When we used to go out on the walk, I used to, because Theo was still a baby, he used to go in the pram and I used to sit with one, sit, I used to walk with one of my headphones in and listen. And it's a really nice way to switch off as well. Yeah. You know, like Tash said, like, not feel like you're alone with things and to hear other people and hear them validating. Well, you know, it's also fine to find podcasts that just make you laugh and you forget about what stress is you know i listen to um the diary of the ceo i find those ones really yeah i love him do you want to come on as a guest but also like if i know

i'm in the mood where i just need to laugh like things like parenting how is hilarious they're brilliant and so it's it's kind of finding like what you need you need in that day yeah they can be really positive yeah so yeah guys i think if you ever find yourself like comparing yourself sometimes it's really important to take that step back yeah is this serving me anything positive do i need you know to have a little bit of a detox do i need to unfollow some accounts that aren't making me feel good i think i think it's also like i said it's realizing who's putting the pressure on you and if it is you realize that like do your kids actually really need you to spend that money on all these things that everyone else on social media is doing or are you making yourself feel that way

because the likelihood is it's going to be the latter and they're going to be happy our kids just want you yeah our kids just want us well to remind if you haven't already and you would be mad not to make sure you go and download voucher code that and let's be honest shopping is unavoidable so you'd be mad not to save money yeah should we go to some emails hi girls loving the podcast it's helped giving me the validity that leaving was the right decision listening to all the different scenarios and hearing how i feel the same as so many other women unhappy in their relationship made me realize that i hadn't that i hadn't been imagining the thoughts i'd had feeling like i couldn't ask him where he was on a night out instead I'd sit and let him get on with it thinking I was being a good girlfriend but inside it was

killing me if I did ask I was a nag and didn't want him to have a social life background we've been together for 13 and a half years we're not married we own a beautiful but modest home and have a five-year-old son he cheated on me about four years ago oh no four years together and I suspect it was not a one-off but love is blind and I couldn't imagine life without him regardless fast forward to this year and I found out that he's been having an affair with a woman from his work her husband messaged me after tracking oh my god after tracking her phone and finding hundreds of messages between them. It completely floored me, but made me realise that things hadn't been good for a while.

We'd even had crisis talks two months before I discovered the affair. I kicked him out and he pleaded and begged to come back. After six weeks, I eventually agreed, purely because I'd always wanted a stable family unit. My own childhood was very rocky and I always swore my own family wouldn't suffer how I did. I didn't want our son to have a broken family and at the time I was willing to put that before my own happiness. After two and a half months I had a realisation that things were close to becoming toxic and I knew I was wrong to stay with him. That same day I packed up mine and my son's things and we left. Now I'm in a predicament rehousing.

We've moved into my mum's but space is tight and me and my son are sharing a bedroom, sharing a bed. It's been six weeks now and I do not miss the relationship at all, but I do miss the stability of my own home. I work almost full time but salary isn't great so I can't afford to privately rent. Council won't help me because I'm still a homeowner. My ex is not accepting the breakup and is completely heartbroken. He always thought I'd be there no matter what. I resonate

with that. So selling the house is not on the agenda yet. I'm cautious to not push it too much because I want our relationship to be friendly and amicable for the sake of our son. Even once the house is sold, I won't be able to afford to buy another, so I still need to rely on help, which is so difficult to get. He paid for the majority of the house. There's no way I could afford it on my own, even with child maintenance and the benefits I'd be entitled to. I can feel thoughts creeping in to just go back to him because life would be easier but I really don't want to I genuinely feel I would be so much happier alone and I know I deserve that happiness I've done a lot of work on myself and my strength this year and I feel proud to have left I don't

want to let myself down but I'm struggling to see any other way I just want somewhere permanent me and my son could call home what would you do I just feel like and I know we've said it before maybe we're kind of like broken records here but however much it's it's nice to have that stability for your home and like have have a house it's not worth being in an unhappy relationship it sort of like infuriates me like why are you moving out and sharing a bed with your son or your mom why can't he move out so your kid is in the home that do you know like um I think I think I know it's like right now there's all these problems that are coming up and And I don't have the answer.

I don't have words of wisdom. But all I do know is that it will get better and it will figure itself out. And I don't know how that looks. I know you're probably thinking that's the most unhelpful thing to say. But I've had loads of worries over the last few months you know to do with my housing as well and one thing I will say is like things just have a way of working out again and you know it might be what you need is that time like there might come to a point where your ex needs that time to accept his new circumstances to accept you are serious and it is over

and sometimes it can take people a while to kind of go through that acceptance and then you know realizing he has to actually do the right thing to be a good dad in that situation or you know once you're both in agreement where you can sell the house and you've got some money behind you, then maybe you can look at housing because you're no longer a homeowner. Or, you know, I just don't feel like it's ever a good idea to go back to a relationship that you know deep down that you are better off without him. It sounds like you're still early days. I think you should around six weeks. Yeah. I feel like you're still early days i think you should around six weeks yeah i feel like city still it is it's it's easier to go back it is but it sounds like you're yeah the heartbeat is leaving yeah it would i think stick with it yeah fine time time figures out a lot of things i think yeah should we do one more okay advice

needed please hi i hope you are both well i absolutely love your podcast i relate to nearly all of them my favorite time of the week is a thursday on my way to college putting the world to right oh i love that i'm sorry this long but i really need the advice and opinion from you guys i was in a four-year relationship with my ex, my child's father. The majority of it was during COVID, which was not great. He struggled mentally with the lockdown and began drinking alcohol on the regular. He became very agitated and angry all of the time. He would take this out on me and make me feel like I was the problem

when I asked about his drinking habits. We had a newborn son in COVID and I solely focused on him. He was a poorly child and needed me more than ever. I believe I probably did turn a blind eye to his habit because it was easier. When our son was one, he started to become quite aggressive and became quite physical towards me. The odd push or shove and this wasn't something I would be standing for. I tried to suggest him getting help for his drinking and possibly depression but he refused. I told him I would leave if it wasn't going to change. Skipped due last year I left. I told him I was leaving. I could not be with someone that was

going to that wasn't going to change his bad habits for me and our child. It took a while at first because he went into a whole different depression, not seeing our son as it wasn't safe to do so, no contact, but eventually he said he'd been working on himself. Since we have separated, he has seeked help, stopped drinking and changed his life around. He's working hard, loves our son and will do absolutely anything for me and him now. It's been 16 months since we have separated and I believe we have had time to heal and change. He has asked me to try again and start with dates, see how it goes and truthfully I don't know what to do. I feel I have got my life to a happy place on my own with my son. My career is progressing,

I'm happy in my new home and thriving. I know at one point I really did love this man. I thought I was set for life, marriage and all that. But now do I go back and try again? I know I care about him and I'd love for our child to be from a happy two-parent home again, but I think the main thing holding me back is fear. Fear of him being that person again, me being that person again, and having to do all the separation again. I know we were dealt really crap cards in our relationship with the lockdown, a sick newborn, lost our jobs and our mental health taken and told to. Just to add into the complications complications my family absolutely detest him and i fear they would resent me hugely if i were to give things a go i think the question i'm asking is what would you

guys do thank you and sorry for the long email i know what i'd do it's probably gonna be different to what you do i try again it doesn't sound like i personally think that he i hold on to he was abusive it sounds like that in fact it yeah it sounds like he's done the work he's he's working on it he hasn't gone and fucked off and had a new relationship and decided actually grass isn't greener I'd like to come back give me a chance it sounds like you've both gone through some really hard times you've both gone and done your work and your relationship could be

good for you your child as long as you're doing it for the right reasons and you want to see if you can make it work and remember why you fell in love like for me I just think I would hate to sit there and be like oh what if like yeah I I know that I can never look back and be like had I done that maybe we'd be together or like what if like I know there's no more what ifs like I did the trying um that would ruin me like like my child growing up being like why didn't you like I would want to know that I really tried and it sounds like they've done the work they've tried they've done the right thing they've done the work on themselves so i would be willing to take that risk and see if it works and your pet your family should support you i actually agree with that do you oh look at us on the same page like i think there's not been infidelity i understand like the drinking it's not great

but actually do you know what lockdown was hard for a lot of people yeah and people make mistakes and i think the fact he's gone and sought help and you said like he's doing well and i think the fact you're asking this question tells me that is part of you you wouldn't be asking the question if there was a if you didn't want it yeah and you know what i think i don't think it's a bad thing that she said that like you know they've been apart and she's really content in her new home and her job good for you you should be happy on your own you should be happy doing things for yourself but because a partner shouldn't be the reason why you're happy like by the sounds of it

you've both now got a really good foundation to have a good relationship you can go back and do the exciting stuff now like spend that time together go on a date again love again yeah make it exciting you know you're solid and you're happy in yourself if he's a lot happier than yourself it actually sounds like it has the potential i agree yeah so i feel like i would do it and i want you to keep us updated because I'd like to know what you end up doing. And yeah, that would be my advice. Yeah. Okay, so guys, we thought we'd add a new segment to the episode and do a little event of the week.

We want to hear from you guys. It doesn't have to be relationship or mum. It can literally be anything. I would give you an example of my vent of the week i wanted to tell her on my toast this morning and the jar wouldn't open fuming i had didn't have anyone there to help me open the fucking jar my vent of the week yeah it was fucking annoying okay someone's put here life good event okay event of the week spent half my life making food none of my kids eat eatable it's nice annoying isn't it you know when you like decide you know what today

i'm gonna make a home-cooked meal rather than giving them like fish fingers and chips and then i take my diet the other day. I made proper from scratch bolognese, all sitting down and taping together. But just us, we're going to talk once it's hot. It was hell on earth hot. Really? The kids refused to eat it.

They were getting up from the table, and I was thinking, I'm eating at half five. No, I mean, five o'clock for you. I'm going to be starving later. Is anyone enjoying this no yeah why have co-workers got so much negativity in them

if you hate your job that much just leave I really agree yeah if you're so I can't bear being around negative people

it's true should we do one more mother-in-law's why are they so vile just the silence so we're going to do an affirmation of the week and it is going to go like this. Hit me. Nobody is me and that is my superpower. I love that. Nobody is me and that is my superpower. Confirm it, guys. Yeah, I love that.

So yeah, don't forget to go and follow, share. And don't forget to leave a positive review on apple yes we would love that thank you so much guys we hope you enjoyed that episode hope it was helpful and we will see you again next week bye