Not As We Planned - 19. Daniel Chidiac: His Take on Relationships

Episode Date: November 16, 2023

We are so excited to have our first guest Daniel Chidiac chatting to us all about relationships. He’s an Australian author with two amazing books which you need to check out. His insight on relationships, and present day dating really resonated with us and we think you will love what he has to say as much as we did Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your

business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash aventurabusiness. Terms and conditions apply. Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly, and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi, guys, welcome to this week's episode. It is a really, really exciting one today because we have our first ever guest on the podcast. I'm very excited. So we want to introduce Daniel Tidiak. He is an Australian author.

And if you have not heard of him or read his books, you need to. I read one of them on my holiday. As you know, I've been away and just got back with the Modern Breakup, which I absolutely loved. my holiday as you know i've been away and just got back with the modern breakup which i absolutely loved and then you've got your other book what says you can't you do which just that title and i need jam is out with me we need to read it so yeah daniel thank you so much for coming on the podcast our first ever guest which is very exciting that's uh yeah that that's good to know i think we want to start with now did you come to share the kind of things you do and how did you come to write the kind of books? Well, the first one was actually very different to the second.

The first one's a self-help book, so it's nonfiction, and the second one's fiction, so it's got characters in it. And just for people that don't know what fiction and nonfiction is, I always used to get them mixed up. But I sort of sugarcoat this every time someone asks me and I normally just brush over it, but it was a very spiritual moment, I guess, in my life where I went through an awakening or an enlightenment, if you want to call it. And that sounds pretty cliched to some people, but it's definitely what happened to me. I felt like at a time in my life when I was confused and lost, I had a business that didn't do well and everything was just sort of crumbling down around me is when I truly found myself. And I felt like someone had just taken the

cloth from my eyes and I could see clearly. And I could see how much power my thoughts had in creating my life, how much control I had over my emotions. Before that, I was sort of just completely oblivious to it. And I think today's day and age, we're all like, everyone's accustomed to hearing it. And even young people, they know this stuff, even if they're not putting it into practice. They've been brought up with it in social media when I was growing up. And I'm not saying that I'm old, but when I was 16, 17, 18, we didn't know about any of this stuff. You had to look deeply into it. I think the secret was the first thing when I was, I think, 22 that came out and that opened this

up for us. Other than that, you really had to look into it to know this kind of stuff. When it happened to me and I was becoming awakened, that's when I started writing. I just felt like I needed to share everything that I was experiencing and I'd never written anything. And then, yeah, two years later, I had almost 200,000 words written out. I love that. And do you know what? I know, obviously, we've gone through completely different experiences.

We talk about how having that moment of realization through our marriages breaking down and then our healing processes and kind of finding ourselves and doing all that journaling and we we've done all that the writing not saying that we're like writing books and we're going to be authors well you never know but um yeah no I feel like I can really resonate with what you've said what you said kind of like being in that moment where the cloth just comes off it's like the rose tinted glasses came off for us i really relate to that as well the seat prop was the first thing i read where i was like i've been living a lie like actually i'm yeah yeah more controlled of things than i ever knew

and ever since i've been able to put those things in practice and i've seen things happen in my life or even like awful things happen in my life but been able to navigate them with actually quite um like a good headstrong approach it's like yeah yeah yeah yeah and if I guess even if it is even if we do uh you know have a downfall in those moments or whatever you want to call it, at least we can take some accountability when you're aware that you are in control of your emotions, you are in control of your thoughts. You're like, I don't have to be feeling like this.

And even though it's going to get you and you are going to feel like that for a while, at least you've got that foundation. Because some other people, they aren't even aware that they can actually control their thoughts to any kind of degree or their emotions. So that's a lot tougher, I feel. I almost don't want to believe they can. Well, I don't know. Maybe ignorance is bliss.

I'm still deciding whether it's a positive thing or a negative. But no, it is more positive. I've sort of battled with that as well. And I feel like that I would always rather be more aware. Oh, 100%. I also feel like we don't try to tell people in order to always be positive, you must always be happy and always be smiling and never be sad. But I think it's kind of like you said, taking accountability and accepting and realizing that everything that happens happens for a reason I feel like eventually like hoping that good eventually comes from

maybe a bad situation like what we've been through like heartache and like breakup and going through a divorce and becoming single mums like in moment, it's like the worst thing ever. But now on the other side, you see why that needed to happen. It's allowed us to grow. It's got us to where we are now, which I guess in theory is probably something that you can relate to, you know, going through what you've been through. It's got you your two books.

And now you're sharing amazing content online as well which i think is obviously it's not due us to wanting yeah yeah yeah i think that when you whenever you're going through something in life it's always the worst thing that you've ever gone through and i say that to people it's like you know and you forget that three years you went through something three years ago you went through something and you thought that was the worst thing that's ever happened to you but you you got through it. I wrote something actually the other day. I said, there's been so many times in my life where I thought there was nowhere else to turn, but I'm here right now. So there was always another way. I love that. And that's,

you know, when we're going through it, I think that you just have to go through it. And I believe that. I'm a big believer in you go through the motions and you walk through hell and you fight those demons and you beat them rather than pushing them under the carpet and getting on with your life and going back to the gym one day later and making it like nothing happened and try to move on. I'm not that kind of person. If something affects me, it affects me, and I've accepted that. And I will go through what I need to go through to really, really learn because I think that's the most important thing. Because I think if you don't learn, you're just going to keep repeating

and repeating. And even though sometimes we learn and we still do repeat, we are going to repeat things a lot of times sometimes. And I think that's the hardest part. That's why we kick ourselves the most, especially in the dating world. We're like, you did it again. You know, it's like, I cannot believe, I cannot believe after everything you've been through, you just text three times in a row.

It's like, how could you do it to yourself? And that's the hardest part. It's like we're our own harshest critics and that's what it is. It's not even ever really about the other person. It's not. We don't even like three quarters of the people that we are getting caught up on. It's that we feel that we've given more than we should have. And then we just dig a deeper hole for ourselves. And that's when it hurts the most. It's like-

Sorry, I don't know if I'm laughing so much. I feel like I'm in a therapy session. I'm just like, you're so right. You're so right. It's like, I can get this one back i can turn this one around i can and it's just we just keep digging and digging and digging and then we are we kick ourselves you know that's just that's just the way it works and i think we're just going to keep learning that and until we eventually phase those things out and be like all right now i've really learned yeah yeah and i feel like it's almost nice to know that even when you are so, like, focused on all the right things, people do still slip up and make those, like,

you know, we're humans. Yeah. We have, like. All of us. That's it. And as well, like, when you do go through stuff, like, with our marriage breakdowns and you formed habits of like toxic traits in a relationship and sometimes when you only

really know how to be in a toxic relationship and then you're in something new that is not toxic and it's all very strange and like alien and uh yeah I just think it's just crazy. Yeah, I think if you're going from something that's toxic and you mean like you're with someone that's not toxic now, is that what you mean? Like you're meeting people? Yeah, I think and that's when we've really got to be intelligent about it if we want a date and if we want a relationship.

If you don't and you're just playing around and whatever but i think if you want a relationship and you and you know you're getting into that from toxic to non-toxic to not feel that non-toxic is boring and i think it's to learn i think if you really want a successful relationship to me it's being content with accepting that you can be yourself with this person and feel comfortable, that you're actually probably just feeling comfortable with them. It's not really a negative thing, but it's always this excitement or this rush that we think that we want. But really, that's just insecurities and it's coming from a very insecure place.

And you will never, ever be happy with anyone that you feel like that with it's you're setting yourself up for an epic failure every single time because rather than you loving them for who they are you just want them to love you that's that's just the truth that's and that's the most the case i feel with toxic with toxicity and toxic relationships you don't actually like them or love them for who they are they've probably done nothing for you at all for you to love, but you just want them to love you because at that stage of your life, you want to- Indeed, Daniel. And if they did, and if they did, you would probably leave. That's just the truth. If they

did end up loving you and they did a 360 and were completely all over you, you'd just be like, huh? Because you'd realize that they were actually never right for you anyway. It's all just a massive ego play. But again, things that we need to work on, I think, as a society as a whole, because this is the massive problem with the world. And I think whether we get into it tonight or not, it goes a lot deeper as far as social media and insecurities and gaps that we feel that we need to fill. It's very deep and it's very broad what's happening. It's also relationship concepts and things that our grandparents and parents had that we still hold onto those concepts, but yet the world has transformed in such grand ways. And we've transformed and we all want this independence and

freedom of being single but yet we want a relationship and what that forms and we still base that on our grandparents and parents era but as i said they were taught very different things and were brought up in a very different era so there are so many aspects to this. And I think just the main thing with that toxic and non-toxic is to know what you need in somebody and not forget that. That's the most important thing. It's not always what you want. What you want might not be good for you. You might want to go out every weekend and get on drugs and have massive benders and that might not be good for you, but it might be what you want. That might not be what you need.

So I think there's a level of maturity that needs to come into all of this. Yeah, no, absolutely. What would you say is your biggest advice for people that are dating again, like after a breakup or a separation and what they should really be, not necessarily what they should be looking for, but we speak a lot about, you know, people always ask us, like, oh, I don't know if I'm ready to date again or, you know, and I just feel like what advice would you give to someone that thinks that they're ready to date yet but they're not sure if they're like in the

right headspace like do you think there's ever a good time or a bad time to be looking to look for a serious relationship. Yeah, I think when you feel that you have understood again after what you've learned, what you need in a relationship. Like I said, not just what you want. If you're going back out there and you're finding yourself getting attached to people that are not good for you, then you're not reflecting on what you need and you're not using that as the foundation and the basis. And I would also say as a bit of advice, I mean, if you are going ahead, and this is just something that I've experienced, is to always stay vigilant. Because sometimes when we have come out of something and we are a little bit vulnerable

or insecure, we will latch onto people and we'll just believe everything that they say to us. because we're either attracted to them or we're insecure, we're lusting or whatever it is. And we'll take on every single word that they're saying is biblical because we're seeking something or even once you've gotten over your ex-relationship and you feel like you're in a great place, that can be when you're in the most danger as well because that's when sometimes you're at your most vulnerable. I truly believe that because your guard's fully down. You've forgotten all your experience. Nothing matters because you're on a high and that's when people can really infiltrate your energy without you having your guard up a little bit. People say, oh, you should be open and to have your guard up is negative. It's not pessimistic at all and it's not negative.

It's being sensible. You don't just allow anyone in. I always say, I watch a lot of history and I use this metaphor not long ago. I said, what made great empires? It wasn't just their ability to go to war and attack when they needed to attack. It was their defenses. If they didn't have a great defense, they would be attacked at all sides and they would have gone down. So you've worked hard to build this empire of you and this castle, and then all of a sudden you're just going to let

anyone in and you're just going to allow anyone to come into that? I don't believe that. That's not my way. I know other people might say that. To me, that's just not a realistic way. And I don't know if that's ever worked for anybody. In theory, it might sound okay. But in practice, I don't think that's really worked. Then I completely agree with that. I'm someone who's very good at putting up head over the walls.

Is there any advice you'd give to someone who's very good at putting up a hell of a lot of walls is there any advice you'd give to someone who perhaps is in that situation where they are putting up walls and you know as a past trauma and relationships and as a result they're then kind of going into like self-sabotage mode of something that's actually really positive and kind of offering all the things they are maybe looking for in someone but because of what they know they're then going to like sabotage mode i think self-sabotage is the biggest problem today in in dating 100 but i think we all do it regardless of what stage we're at and i think that comes back down to your self-worth

and what you believe you're worth. So I think if you're constantly doing that, I don't feel that you feel worthy enough within yourself to deserve someone who, again, you feel comfortable being yourself with. You're looking for pain. You're seeking this challenge that's going to harm you. You're seeking a thrill. You're not seeking a relationship. That's not what you're seeking. And I think that's what you've got to really be conscious of. What are you looking for? If you're looking for a relationship, you're not going to look for something so unstable. It just doesn't make sense. Our parents didn't do that. Our grandparents didn't do that subconsciously. They just didn't do that. So it's coming from insecurities. It's coming from a lack of self-worth. That's where self-sabotage comes from.

So I think that if you're in that zone and you're in that mode that you feel like everyone you're attracting and everyone you're getting attached to is hurting you, then I think that's when you need to really pull back. You need to evaluate what you're doing and you need to completely just step away. And I said this to someone recently actually, and I don't know how it's received to a certain degree because some people, they find this a little bit of an uncanny way of dealing with this situation. But I was saying that if you've just met someone and you're getting so caught up on them to the point where you're obsessing over them and you're waiting for every one of their texts, but you've literally just met this person, you don't even really know them.

And you've become so infatuated with them that the things that you were thinking about and focusing on just before you met them are almost forgotten about and they become your sole concentration, you actually have to physically and from text or whatever, you've got to distance yourself. Now, that's hard, but whether you ruin it or not, like I'm talking, even if they text you, write a closed message back and leave that situation because nothing good is ever going to come from it. And I'm sure your experience has taught you that. No matter, you can try and fluff it up all you want. There is no way anything good is ever going to come from that foundation because you're already digging a hole. You're already in the hole and it's just going to get worse and worse and worse. And you're going to try to save it. So my advice in a situation like

that is to actually, and this is a practical thing, to actually distance yourself and create that separation with that person because you need to look at it from a distance. And when you do, when the emotion has really gone away, that obsessiveness to a degree, and you can see things clearly, that's when you can reach back out. But until that point, I don't think you should engage with that person because I don't think that you are being yourself. That's why. I don't think that's yourself. People are like, oh, that is being myself. I want to be myself.

I don't want to play games. But it's like you're not really being yourself. People are like, oh, that is being myself. I want to be myself. I don't want to play games. But it's like, you're not really being yourself. You're being extra. You're being too much. You're being more than you think you have to be for this person to like you. And in essence, you don't need to be that at all for anyone to like you. You just need to be yourself. So that's my advice as well for people that are finding themselves constantly getting caught up on people. If there's someone in particular, I just think you have to distance yourself from them, whether that's looked at as being unhealthy or not. I don't really care. I know it works.

What are your thoughts on dating apps? Who knows? I might not bag them out too much because maybe I want to create one one day, so I better not. Oh. Who knows? I might not bag them out too much because maybe I want to create one one day, so I better not. Oh. Who knows? Who knows? I mean, if I come up with a great idea.

But I think something needs to change with them. Something definitely needs to change. I just think they're too mundane. I just think they're too repetitive. too mundane um i just think they're too repetitive they're uh i feel like there's just way too much sensory input it's it's an insecurity overload because when you're playing with that many different people's energy you are going to feel insecure constantly that's just the way it goes it's it's they're they're insecure um atomic bomb that's what they are you are gonna you know one one day in one day you're gonna get a message of someone who you sort of like and then

not really that into and then the other person you're gonna swipe and you're gonna be really into them and they're not gonna text back and you're gonna feel a little bit insecure and you're gonna be going on to see if they text you, then the other person, like, that could probably happen to you 10 times in one week with 10 different people, and you are constantly doubting yourself every single time. You're losing a part of yourself every single time because you're feeling unworthy. Why didn't that person text me back? Like, if there's anything that is going to kill you from your dreams,

anything, it's dating too much. And I truly believe that. That is the biggest dream killer. Morning. Something this morning I saw that said about dating apps, and it was like the problem with dating apps, and it's like watching five different movies on screens in front of you at the same time, and you can't actually focus

on one of them, so you don't actually end up enjoying any of the films because you're trying to get your attention from so many people. So you don't actually get to know anyone on a really deep level. For sure. You end up just... All right, well, I'll just say one thing about this all. Our grandparents and parents' era had a much successful marriage rate and whatever else, right? Dating, I'm sure that they didn't need to meet as many people before they

actually settled with someone. And look at our statistics now, and they didn't have dating apps. So it's, you know, is it healthy? Is it not? not i don't know i'm someone who believes in the yin and yang with everything i believe there's the law of polarity with everything there's positives and negatives with everything i think the fact that a lot of people are single these days is evolving the world in so many great ways as well in technology and other things and it's also having negative impacts on some relationships so i'm not someone who's pessimistic about everything you know i'm like there's a 50 50 and everything it's all the way you perceive it and what you want but i will say that if it's got to do with relationships i don't think they're needed i still think that there's more to life than your phone and

you know you can actually get out there and go down to the shop and bump into someone or like, do you know what I mean? It doesn't have to be at a club, but it can be anywhere. Go like join different social groups or something. It's something that you're interested in. Yeah. You know, like there's so many opportunities to meet people. I feel like people have become so reliant on technology that people can reverse that like in situations like that like i find like when we've gone out with friends i've got some single friends

and she's always like even we're out in the bar like i feel like when we were younger it was so much easier people spoke to each other more i feel like people are so sure to their phones are so heavily now reliant on things being online and i don't know whether it's because people can hide behind a screen and be whoever they want to be behind a screen. And it sort of just spirals into the wrong things, doesn't it? 100%. Yeah. I feel like the whole conversation thing as well, it's like, and I'm always, I'm not one for it all the it all the time but you know picking up the phone and speaking to someone if you're into people and you and you know you're going to catch like some people they literally can't even cannot even jump on the phone and

have a conversation they literally their anxiety isn't it and a lot of girls as well like i know guys that are like man i just wanted to call her like guy mates and just i called and we were meant to catch up and she never answered and she never caught up with me. It was like, I think I turned her off because I tried to call her. And I'm like, that's actually a thing. That could have happened, you know, because some girls are just, and I've noticed that too. Like, they, I don't know, it's like social anxiety because we're just not used to that human interaction like we used to be. So, it freaks people out.

You know, it freaks people out having, and then, you know, if you try to converse like you would in a conversation and you write that in a text and it's like that long, you know, people will be like, hmm. I think if you're into someone, it's okay. And, you know, we all get a little bit excited sometimes when we like someone. We go that little bit extra.

But, yeah, I just, I feel i feel like you know it's yeah the conversations are definitely dwindling a little bit and i think it's just the fast it goes with the dating apps too it's fast it's quick you know people come in they come they go out it's just there's so many options yeah i mean dating apps in general are quite brutal aren't they i mean you know you can be talking to someone for like three days and you think it's going really well and then they just disappear. Well, I think there's also this other thing about it as well where it's when you meet someone in person, it's not just like,

I don't know if you've ever, you say you meet someone on a dating app and you meet them in person. They might not be exactly how they look on the photos, but there's something about their energy or something that you like and you know it could even be the way they're put together like whatever it is but there's something in a physical aspect that is very different to a photo and texting so it's like you know i feel like when you meet someone in person it's you're gonna be able to judge differently and get a bit of a different vibe. Well, I feel like generally personality comes through someone

so different in person. If you're really funny or you've just got a really nice, warm nature about you, you can't really get that through a phone. No. You can't tell the tone of how things are said oh no of course of course oh yeah like i've yeah i've i don't even put emojis like i hardly put emojis and i have people saying to me like girls have dated or something they're like i like are you angry right now like what's going on i'm like oh no i'm just yeah they're like they're like why did you

put that dot dot and slant face like that means that you're that i'm annoying you or something i'm like does it that just meant like i don't even know what that meant and like they're like, why did you put that dot, dot and slant face? Like that means that I'm annoying you or something. I'm like, does it? That just meant like I don't even know what that meant. And like they're fully looked into it. They're like, I'm so sorry for annoying you. And I'm like, oh, fuck, you didn't annoy me. I don't even know what that emoji did. Yeah, yeah, just like I'm probably really bad with,

I'm so bad with texting. I'm a very bland person, but I can be. But yeah, so like, I mean i mean that's we just don't we just yeah it's so hard to to figure it out but it's the way of the world and we need to accept it to a degree because it's not changing it's just that's just moving forward like you said it's not all bad like both we're both seeing people who we both know but yeah but both the people we're dating are from the dating app so i definitely definitely can't. Oh, okay. There you go. Yeah, I definitely can't. Yeah, yeah.

No, I'm not saying they're not bad. No, 100%. It's just as long as you, you know, there's not that, there's not, like I said, there's just it can open you up to a lot of insecurities and you need to just. No, that I really. It's like anything.

It's like anything. You need to be aware of what you're getting yourself into and like why you're using it. You've always got to come in with your awareness and your intelligence. Yeah, I think one of the great things about the dating apps is you will come across people that you'd never bump into or meet out because you live further apart or kind of in completely different circles socially. That's the bit I like like but the bit that you

mentioned and kind of like it it can really damage your self-worth and kind of like give you insecurities and stuff because you know i can i can just picture and i'm not saying it's just guys but i can picture a guy like having like 20 chats on the go and it's kind of like he'll just take his pick or like do you know what that one's now better than that one so i'm gonna put that one aside and sting as well i have been dating for ages always on the accident like i know she finds it so mentally draining like some weeks oh it's it's full on yeah yeah it's too much it's too much and it is and like i haven't been on them for a very very long time when i travel sometimes i may go on them if I'm in a place on

my own that I don't know anyone or whatever. I'll, you know, maybe even then I hardly will end up meeting up with anyone to be honest. But yeah, I feel like it's just, it's like I said, it's something that can kill your dreams more than anything else because your focus is just, when you're so caught up on dating and it's consuming so much of your mind and your emotions, it's like energy flows where focus goes, right? So that's the way it works. If you're concentrating on your dreams and your goals, I feel like when you're in that headspace, you will attract the people that are meant to be in your life anyway, because you're focusing on what I call your glory path, the path of what you are destined to be, whatever that may be,

but you're staying focused on that. When you're so caught up on the way others are reacting to you or how much attention other people are giving you, that's a recipe for disaster in my eyes. So it's got to be proceed with caution. Proceed with caution. We asked you guys to ask Daniel some questions, and, yeah, we're just going to read some for you. So the first one is, how do I work through thinking I won't ever find anyone else after divorce?

I think after every breakup, we always think we're never going to find someone else, especially if we're the ones who didn't choose it. If they chose to break up, we're always going to think there's not someone that's better or whatever. I literally think in that moment, it's just time. It's just time. In time, you will realize that that person probably wasn't right for you anyway, especially if they're the one that left. No one that ever leaves you is right for you. That's my opinion because they're just not there. And that's the whole story, I guess. You deserve more than that. Exactly. It's about loyalty. So I think in time, that's the only thing. In time, you'll realize when all the dust settles from the experience, you'll see everything clearly. And then someone will come along and you'll be like, oh, I can feel again. And that's that moment when you do feel for someone, even if it's just a short-term thing, but you realize you can feel again for that's that moment you know when you when you do feel for someone even if it's just

a short-term thing but you realize you can feel again for someone else and that's a beautiful moment okay if he says he isn't ready for a relationship yet after a couple of dates should i stay in touch or not let me just sit on that for a minute after a couple of dates this is without context right like i don't know if she's asked him. Yeah. Which may be a little bit. Actually, I don't think it's premature. I think that if that's something that you're seeking,

you should probably be straight out. I think she should not be waiting around. I don't think she should be giving him any more of her energy. I agree. Because there's something about that. It's that we can feel that someone may change their perception, but the chances are, and from experience, is that a lot of the time they don't.

So you need to go with probability. This is about probability as well, and the probability is that this person isn't going to be. So I think the smartest thing you can do in that situation is move on and not give them really any more of your attention. There's a chance that if you hang around this person may, that experience tells us that that isn't usually the case. So as far as I'm concerned, look, if they're still making an effort and all that, but you need to, again, proceed with caution. Proceed with realizing that this person isn't ready

for a relationship. That's it. Take an ace of spades for an ace of spades. You can't play it as any other card. That's it. If they're not ready, if you want to go ahead, you go ahead with realizing that they don't want a relationship. That's it. You've got to believe what they say. Yeah. What advice would you give to someone navigating a breakup? I'm guessing this is a person who's been broken up with asking this. Just go through the motions. Feel what you need to feel. Say what you need to say to yourself.

Don't say everything to them. Write it down in your phone. Even if you've said things already, it doesn't matter. I've said things after a breakup that I wish I hadn't said. Not bad things, but just express myself in ways. And then I then i was like you know wanted to say even more and more and more and didn't and so glad looking back that i didn't you'll never kick yourself for not saying it you'll never kick in the end you'll never kick yourself for not saying it you'll be you'll be more proud of yourself so i think go through the motions um write everything down that you need to write down, burn it, whatever, act crazy. Yeah, act crazy. Act crazy. Like, B, go through it. You know, go through it.

It's like that. You can just go through all the motions. Yeah, yeah, don't feel, you know, I should be this and I should be stronger and I should be more focused on something else. It's like I will. Instead of saying I should, say I will. I should be stronger and I should be more focused on something else. It's like, I will. Instead of saying, I should say, I will, I will be stronger than this. I will. Because that takes the pressure off. Life's about stages. It's a journey. Stop saying, I should, I should, I should. You shouldn't anything. You will when the time comes and when the time is right. So just go through the motions go through the motions

feel everything what would you say are the signs that you're in a relationship with a narcissist oh um i'm no psychologist but uh i think i've i've dealt with two narcissists in my life. I think someone who's got a real lack of empathy, that's one of the biggest telltale signs for me. Someone who just really does not understand where you're coming from. And I think another thing is someone who cannot take accountability. That's the biggest thing. I think if someone's understanding and you're being too much, you're expecting this person to constantly understand the same thing when they've already understood it and tried to make it right because I've seen that happen in situations too. And it's like, well, maybe now you're being the narcissist. Maybe now you're being the one who's sort of making this person feel like they're not giving you enough. That's also a case that we need to

reflect on ourselves. And are we being needy now? Are we expecting this person just to constantly entertain us and be our cushion? So we need to ask ourselves that as well where this person has their own life but i think if they're completely pushing everything away and never want to communicate and um the other thing is like i said not taking accountability that's the biggest thing nothing's nothing's their fault so that's they're the two sides i would say as well probably oh yeah oh for sure and i think that's part of it yeah that's that's part of not taking accountability is that gaslighting aspect i think sometimes when you're in it as well it's quite hard to sometimes notice it i don't know whether it's like you don't want to. You can't sometimes see things.

Yeah. Yeah. And two or maybe. Yeah. I think the word narcissist does get thrown around a lot these days. Yeah. And we need to be a little bit careful with it all. You know, but I think that there are 101 narcissists which are like,

yeah, there's a level of grandiosity. There's a constant expectation. There's there's you know there's surfaced elements to them wanting to be in a relationship rather than them seeking an actual real connection so there's there's multiple aspects to it i believe and facets but i think in anything just go with your gut for someone who thinks they might be in a relationship with someone who is a narcissist, what advice would you give to someone who perhaps is stuck in that relationship with someone who is presenting narcissistic characteristic and wants to get out but kind of feels like, I don't know, they're like stuck?

I think it's really hard to comment on that only because there's so many different scenarios and situations like if someone's married with kids that's a very sticky situation how much of a narcissist is this person you know what are they actually doing it's so hard to comment on that because you know I don't want anyone leaving a potentially great relationship that could be great when this is just a moment in time just because you know i've said leave i would never say that um but i think definitely communicate with this person and tell them how you're feeling i think if you're dating if it's like an initial dating thing and your guts are telling you that

this person has got these traits that you've experienced before, because I'm guessing that's why you've picked up on them because you've been there before and you've seen them. I think that's probably you repeating patterns of going for the same kind of person. And I would say to leave in that situation because I don't think there's any good that's going to come from it. If you're quite aware of it and you can feel that those things are coming back again with another person, that's probably you attracting those same things until you learn your lesson.

And again, not accepting someone who's loving towards you and kind. I say that all the time. People constantly search for things that they've had but given up. People search their whole life for things they've had but given up. People search their whole life for things they've had and given up. And two of those things are love and kindness. I know people in their 50s who are seeking some kind of relationship with someone that I know that they had with their husband. And okay, their husband didn't excite them anymore or whatever it was, but it's like, what are you seeking now? You're literally going around in a circle, getting caught up on 35-year-olds, people who are 15, 20 years younger than you,

getting obsessed with them, wanting them to love you. So what are you actually seeking? What are you searching for? Because you're saying, I want this and I want this and I want this. And it's like, you're describing the last person who you're with, but left. So it's like, maybe what you really want is excitement. Maybe what you really want is someone not to give you that attention. We got to be honest with what we're actually seeking and what we're engaging in. That's, I think, the biggest truth. The biggest truth is always about us. What are we seeking?

What are we going for? And when we work that out, that's when I think we can look outward. But usually it's more of a reflection of us than the outside. Yeah, that's true. Deep. Yeah, we've got to be deep there. Something that I wanted to ask you, I feel like maybe it's harsh for me to say that it's quite rare to find a man with such a, not knowledge,

but an understanding for all the things you talk about and things that really like drew us to wanting you on the podcast like what made you kind of like is it just life experiences and relationships that you've been through that i've really got you to understand you've got like a wisdom about you in terms of thank you thank you it's just i think it's just my observations i've just observed. I've been an observer ever since I was young, and I felt on a very deep level ever since I was young. And I feel like this is my calling is to observe things. And when I have an experience, I think that's why I'm able to write and I'm able to articulate in words what I experience and I can write 15,000 words on one little experience because it just, it's like it breaks into words for me. It's a very strange experience when I go through something, it goes into a million pieces and I can see all those different million pieces and why this happened and why that didn't happen and that angle and that angle and what they really felt and

how I felt about it. And I just, yeah, I think it just comes from an observation point of view and perspective. I just think very deeply about everything that's ever happened to me and that happens to others. I try to work out why. And I don't think we ever really know the why. It's always, it's a constant pursuit. That's what we it's an always, it's a constant pursuit. That's what we're always learning, but that's my, that's just my thing. Some people paint, you know, some people make music, some people do other things, you know, some people box.

This is just my thing. I just observe and I write. And now recently, more recently speak, just the last six months I've been speaking actually just coming out of saying things yeah no and they all just really really resonate I feel like something that we've noticed is even like people listening that may not I mean you know our first guest isn't even a parent and our podcast you know started off being about like motherhood but I feel like at the end of the day like there's so many life experiences it doesn't actually matter whether you're a parent or a single mom or you know like people go through the same sort of things in life

that I feel like you can kind of relate to the sort of things that you're talking about and it's just yeah it's quite refreshing i feel like everything you're saying i'm literally just like wow yeah i'm by sometimes when i'm talking i'm i'm learning as well like i'm like yeah i've got it i've got it i've got to put that into practice you know so we're all we're all learning and no matter who seems like the expert in anything no one's the expert because we're all susceptible to these things. And the moment you think you're not susceptible is when you're at your weakest, when you think that you're all worked out and you've got it all.

And that's when someone comes in and they creep in and they get you. They get you because you think you've got it all sorted out. Yeah, literally. What advice would you give to someone to, like, just try and stay in a happy and healthy relationship? What do you think is key for two people in a relationship to make sure that they should be doing to stay together and be happy? I always speak from my parents' perspective because they've been together for, I think, like 45 years now. I've grown up and seen that.

I've seen them argue and I've seen them nearly break up so many times, but they've stuck it out. I will say that you're not always going to be happy. That's the first thing. It's like we have this perception that a relationship is always meant to be healthy and happy. It's not. You're dealing with human beings. We're so complex. I think the main thing is you have to ask yourself, do I want to do life with this person? Do I respect this person enough? And do I love this person enough? And their imperfections and everything about them that regardless of anything, I want to stick this out and I want to do it with them. I think that's the most important thing. And if there's even

the slightest yes, and it's like, yeah, because I know they're a good person deep down, even with their imperfections, because we all have our shortcomings and there's something that you can deal with i wouldn't just leave i think that's the problem with these days we just leave you know it's like you're not yeah people give up it's just so much easier these days and so much more normal that people don't like put up that fight anymore i think so i think so and like i said it's all depending on what you what you want you've got to be very realistic with what you want if you want to play that dating game constantly and you want to get you to the grass isn't always greener on the other side you know the grass isn't

always greener so you need to be really aware of what you want what what you're seeking. And if you are still seeking a relationship, then it's always going to take work. It's always work. It's not some easy ride, you know. But neither is dating. So that's just the way it goes. So I think just be realistic about your expectations in any kind of relationship.

Yeah. No, thank you. I like that. So every week we do like a little segment and it's called Stay or Leave. Obviously, we don't have context like really deep, but people just send in scenarios with kind of stuff then and give advice. Obviously, we always say like very much take it with a pinch of salt as we've said we're not here to kind of tell people what they should or shouldn't be doing but we feel like because they're obviously giving us this information that they want a bit of advice so let's see what ones we got here so someone's put

here i've been married for seven years and we have a daughter together but my husband is like a flatmate do i stay or do i go i i would never say to leave in this situation no so i'm someone who's a little bit old school like that i don't say just leave i think it has to be a lot more serious than that to leave. She'd have to be writing a lot more serious things to be leaving than that. I don't really know what that means, like what that entails. If a flatmate means that. I get the impression from that. If he's getting random girls, if he's getting random single girls around

being a bachelor, then I don't know, then maybe she should leave. No, I mean, I get the impression from that she means like it's like they're just friends that yeah exactly and that's right and it's like you don't just leave and this is the thing it's like what have you guys tried what what have you tried what have you tried you know like go away together go i don't know't know, go on dates again. Start like take up an activity that you guys have both never taken up before. Yeah. I like that. I know a couple that took up freediving together and they actually rekindled.

Yeah, they rekindled. They reached out to me on Instagram actually and told me their story. But yeah, it was an interesting one because I freedive and I put up a photo that I was in my website. Well, yeah, I don't massively, not like that freediving Netflix show. I don't go. Oh, my God, I saw that on a plane. I'm going like 10 metres down.

I go spearfishing. I've got like a big gun in there and I hardly shoot anything because there's not much around. But we go sort of hunting underwater, but it's a bit of a sport. sport or actually not a sport i would say we we do eat everything that we shoot but yeah it's um that they they reached out to me after they saw that and they're like oh we we free dive and that's how we rekindled and blah blah so like they literally were like on the rocks and they took this activity up and they just like re-found this spark that like oh we can actually have fun together again we you know we do get along like we used to yeah it is that isn't

it i feel like especially when you have kids and your life very much becomes just like that mundane like mom dad like for sure he's at work you're dealing with the child yeah and it's it's a good piece of advice to kind of find a new activity to do with your partner and kind of remember why you fell in love with them in the first place. Yeah. It is sad that things are simple as like, oh, the spark's gone or we're just made.

Or just leave. Yeah, just like leave, you know. What is your view on staying in a relationship if there's been like infidelity or something? I've seen people get through it. I've seen people get through it and really come out the other side and be very, very happy. So I don't think, again, it's something that you just say, leave. I'm someone who, I'm a fighter in general.

I'll exhaust things all the way in in theory that sounds okay in a practical sense um would i stay with someone who's cheated on me probably not but i was gonna oh i was gonna what i tried yeah I was going to, oh, I was going to, oh, you'll leave. But would I try everything? Probably, you know, and who knows? But, you know, it's also very hard to leave someone when they've cheated on you that moment. You're very insecure. You know, you want them to feel, you want to feel loved again. You want to feel like you still mean something to them.

I think that's a really hard time to leave. I think that a lot of people that I've noticed when they get stronger again and they're sort of back to normal, then they're like, that's when the penny drops. They're like, oh, my God, I'm actually with this person who's done this. But, you know, like I said, I've seen people get through it. So, again, people do make mistakes. There are ways to fix it.

Do you think it's maybe dependent on the people involved and kind of like the type of personalities involved in that scenario? Because I feel like I'm someone I know could not ever move past it. I feel like I would bring it up constantly. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And that's toxic in itself. Like if you can't, it's like if you're going to stay,

then you've got to like forgive. And if you're that person that can't. That's right. That's right. It's all in your personality type. And whether you can, I would probably give it time if you really love this person and you know you do see a future with them and they're extremely apologetic and you know every they've said sorry for everything that they've done and they've tried to make it right

you could give it if you're that type of person that's a really hard one it's all dependent on you it's all dependent on you know what you're willing to accept or forgive or not and i will say that i that's you know i've seen people get through it and come out the other side yeah which we've spoken about before yeah i've obviously also experienced the other side. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, for sure. So it can happen. Amazing. So thank you so much for coming on the podcast. It's just so good. I mean, I feel like everything you're saying, I feel like it's given me a bit of a refresh to just my mind.

Yeah, really interesting. So we hope you guys all got something from it. And, yeah, if you want to buy and have a look at Daniel's books you can buy them on Amazon we should we put a link on the episode where you can get that from um and yeah don't forget to like follow us on all our different channels don't forget to share them all you share share them all, people we manage to reach. And make sure you give Daniel a follow as well. Yeah, absolutely, because we love your content.

Thank you so much. It's been really good. Thanks for having me. Thanks for having me. Pleasure. We'll speak soon, of course. Ciao. Thank you.

Bye.