Not As We Planned - 24. He Was Cheating on Me With 4 People

Episode Date: December 21, 2023

Hearing and sharing your dilemmas and experiences with some shocking stories and giving you our advice the best way we can. We love hearing from you so make sure you continue emailing in anything you want to be shared anonymously of coursehas context menu Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your

business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash aventurabusiness. Terms and conditions apply. Hey. Hi. It's Tash and Carly. And you're listening to Motherhood. Not as we planned.

So get comfy, grab a cup of tea. Or a glass of wine. And let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Today, we're going to go through some more of your emails. Because we get so many in and we feel like we barely scratch the surface with them, do we? Yeah. I think sometimes they open up quite a lot of good conversations. So should we get stuck in?

Yeah, let's do it. This one is called My Experience Co-Parenting with a Narcissist. Hello, I just wanted to share my experience and see if you had any advice on not completely losing my mind sorry in advance for the essay if you used in an episode feel free to shorten I have a six month old baby girl with someone I was with for two years and I'm around 10 I found out at about seven eight months pregnant the day we moved into our own place that he was cheating on me with four people that I found out about probably was more. I made the decision for... How do you have the time or the energy? It's just long.

That's just... That's a him thing. That is not a you thing. I made the decision to kick him out and deal with everything that way. It was only after that I had sat down and thought about our whole relationship and it dawned on me that I was being emotionally abused, gaslighted, controlled, lied to and was absolutely disgusted with myself for not having seen it at the time.

I decided to let him be at the birth, at the registration etc which is my biggest regret of my whole life. I basically did a week of labour which turned into an emergency C-section alone because he was either asleep or on the phone to his new girlfriend, one of the girls he cheated on me with. So now he treats my daughter as an option. I have tried and tried to get a schedule in place, which was agreed, but he's constantly cancelling seeing her, bringing her home early, asking to change days.

I am a very understanding person and not only have I kicked off and not once have I kicked off or anything through this whole process. You're a better person than I am a very understanding person and not only have I kicked off and not once have I kicked off or anything through this whole process. You're a better person than I am. Not even while pregnant. As I'm trying to preserve my energy and be the best me for my daughter. Go for you. He cancels seeing her, brings her back early for stupid reasons. A couple of examples below.

Stuck in traffic. Going to work on his day off instead. Liar. Sorry. The football is on TV. tv wants to go to the cinema she's crying has a cold my daughter had a cold so he tried to get out of looking after her and breathe and that's just a handful but to absolutely top it off the girl he cheated on me with at eight months is constantly around my daughter and has been since she was a couple of weeks old when they'd only been together a month or so, despite us having an agreement that any new partners would me with around my baby and when i mentioned it to him i was unreasonable horrible to her crazy and making a problem out of nothing classic i try my best to be no contact and by that i mean if it's if it's not about agreeing times etc for him having my daughter

or an emergency i do not respond to his messages good girl my daughter is my absolute life I have her 98% of the time I put her before absolutely everything and have constant comments from family friends and strangers even that I'm doing an amazing job with her but internally I'm having to try and co-parent with this from one single mama trying not to snap at her ex I think it's so difficult I think one thing that I've really learned in my co-parenting journey is you can't make someone be someone they don't want to be. You can't expect someone to communicate well with you who couldn't even offer you that in a relationship with them and I think once you strip back those expectations and kind of feel like I don't know like this is what I'm working with and I have to make the best of it I don't know where he stands in terms of

like getting some kind of order in place in terms of like your child care split because I feel like that can be put in place but it just obviously takes a lot of time because that's within yeah no i understand like finance well they don't know if they're married um but i think sadly you need to set your expectations and realize that if he is unreliable and he is going to let you down expect the bare minimum and you know if you are still really wanting that time to kind of like not in a horrible way but not have your daughter and try and find that time to kind of like recoup and like fill up your own cup then I'd I'd try and rely on like some family members that are maybe willing to help on the basis that he may let you down um it's a tricky one because like i've always said and i think that people really felt like this

they were like wow that really hit steep is you need to love your child more than you hate your ex and it sounds like she is doing exactly that and sometimes you i could turn around and say to you well if you want to drop her home early make sure you say no and and don't be at home but then again actually it's not really fair on your daughter to be with someone that doesn't want them so it's a tricky one to kind of like it's that fine line between really just thinking about her rather than appeasing to him he sounds like he isn't going to change he sounds like a complete and utter narcissist so like we said you've got to work yeah you've got and we've like the

introduction to the girlfriend it's a really hard one and again it's something neither of us have experienced yet and it is something that i am so anxious about like so anxious and thing is like you can only uphold your standards and carry yourself in the way you want to carry yourself and those things will be remembered like I know for me I would never introduce anyone without having that respectful conversation I don't believe that's fair and I also think think as well, like I've mentioned before, but that sounds like a really selfish thing on his part. I think you've got to step back and look at like what's best for the kids. Like is this person going to be a longstanding figure in their lives

before you introduce them? The thing is he obviously hasn't thought about it. No, he hasn't. But I think also the thing is you cannot expect someone else to act the same way as you. And the sooner you let go of hoping to try and change someone or get them to do something that you would like for them to do, the better it will be for you. Because the only person that's going to get frustrated is yourself.

I think you've got to set your own boundaries. Like it sounds like you already have kind of like trying to do no contact as much as possible unless it's liaising about your daughter stick with that treat it like a business like yeah i feel like you've actually it sounds like you're doing all the right things anyway it sounds like you've actually like honestly like i was reading your story thinking you sound so I hate to use the word strong because I am yeah because I know some people don't like having to feel strong but like you've been so sure and in your decision making and being like no like I deserve better you've you've done a lot of the hard part which is the stepping away and being like

absolutely not I think that's really admirable that you've managed to do that and I think it is almost like trying to compartmentalize it like you're still relatively in the early phases and let's pray for us all that co-parenting gets easy because easier because it's certainly been one of my biggest challenges. And actually, in the last couple of weeks for me, I've done similar to what this lady said. And I've taken back any emotion, any feelings. It's kind of been since we spoke to Shelley. There you go.

We've barely engaged. we've only ever spoken about the kids which i've not actually managed to do yet i had like both parties of us have always brought in anger and emotions and and things and i've found that very heavy and consuming and and also found it really triggering my anxiety i'd constantly be stressed or wound up by something i feel like he's the only person in the world who can possibly make me angry yeah and you're giving him yeah well it was after we spoke to shelly i don't something clicked and i stepped back and i was like i can't remember what she said. But I realized like, if you message me, I don't have to reply to that message straight away. If it's not in regards to my kids. Because you don't have to reply to it at all.

And when I realized that, and I was like, I have the control of that. And I have literally liaised with him about the kids. I think I informed him about a Christmas concert. And I feel empowered this week I feel my chest doesn't feel that under like this it's been feeling I feel much happier and don't get me wrong like I've still got a lot of the complexities to sort out particularly with the financial order and stuff but it's nice to know those conversations will be had in the right people with the right people hopefully moderating the situation I don't actually have any of those conversations at any other point so I really admire you for getting to that point of literally

it being about the kids so early because I do like from experience I know it can take quite a long time to get there and I think one thing that we always need to remind ourselves is your kids will eventually, as they grow up, realise where the wrongdoing was. Hold your own. Do the right thing for your child, for yourself. And stop worrying. I know it's easier said than done, but they will do what they want to do by the sounds of it he did it all when you were together so you can't expect anything less so yeah thank you for sending in um you sound really strong on the topic of co-parenting that's why I shared that video for anyone that didn't see I shared like a little snippet of like myself and the kid's dad exchanging the kids because, you know, a year and a half, nearly a year and a half down the line, like we are in a good place, but we weren't always there.

was toxic it wasn't healthy we were at each other's throats but it can improve you've just got to look at the bigger picture but obviously you both need to be on the same page with that you can only have a good co-parenting relationship if both of you are on the same boat so i can appreciate that it's hard for those that want to put the child first but the other parent isn't you can't control and you've got to accept that you cannot change someone yeah okay hi ladies first of all thank you i cannot tell you how much your podcasts are helping me at the moment i'm actually 18 months down the line they're still really struggling with some aspects of this new journey sorry this is a bit long but you've asked me to write this in an email. A little backstory.

My ex-husband cheated on me and lived a double life for seven months before I found out. We split up April 2022. He said he was leaving as I had been looking through his friends on Instagram, which is how I came across her as I wasn't following her

and had never heard him talk about her as a friend or anything. And she had been posting pictures of them both on her page. Wow. A month after our split I found out they were expecting a child. This broke me beyond words. We were together for eight years and married four. He went on to be an absolute vile, horrible person towards me and she was just as bad. I know I can't fully blame her. She was probably told things that she wanted to hear. They took me to court telling me they wanted our daughter three weekends a month in

Bristol, three hours at least from where I live. Our daughter wasn't even two at the time. He introduced our daughter to his new girlfriend and had two girls just a month after I'd found out. I wasn't happy about this, but I was an absolute mess and didn't know how to fight my corner at the time. I had and have amazing family and friends who helped me massively, but I still couldn't cope with what I was going through. My only reason to get up and get through the day was my daughter.

She is my world. Lots of things happened between applying to court and reaching court between him and his girlfriend including her setting up fake instagram accounts and messaging herself to be friends of mine all very strange she sounds psychotic anyway calf cast and court were actually amazing with me they actually really did support me and by this point although he was having a child with his new woman they had fallen out so we walked into court he told me then he didn't want any of what he had asked for and that he didn't want to take the case further for me I was relieved that he wasn't taking my daughter three weekends a month away from me but also frustrated that I had to walk out of court with no sort of clarification any sort of routine going forward. I have been and I still am the main parent 99% of the time

with the odd time him coming back and seeing her and maybe having her overnight once a month if I'm lucky. I'm very fortunate to have the best parents who have my daughter every Sunday night. Her father and I are amicable however frustration is difficult as I can never plan anything unless I ask my parent as he's just so unreliable. 18 months on and officially been divorced for five months now and I have actually since listening to your podcast took the plunge and signed myself up to Hinge. After talking to a couple of guys on there and thinking I was getting nowhere I finally started talking to a guy who actually on there and thinking I was getting nowhere I finally started talking to a guy who actually seems amazing I definitely do believe now I know what I want and

what I deserve however I've told my ex I'm talking and meeting some as I'm very open and honest person and things have gone terribly he has used every single angle to try and get a reaction from me being vile, playing the suicide card, which I absolutely hate as I've experienced this with a friend and I would never wish that upon anybody, and now telling me he will find the guy if I ever even think about introducing him to our daughter. I wouldn't do that anyway until I knew there was some sort of longevity in it, but still I feel so sick all the time and again now I'm finding this very difficult he has now sent flowers to my work which to be fair to my friends at work took them from me as

they knew I wouldn't want them he non-stop texts and calls me now he started asking for a picture of him I mean he's texting begging for a picture telling me it will help him mentally if I just send him a picture which I haven't by the way and I'm not going to. When I say he messages I'm talking I've had over 60 messages all asking for a picture of him. Please please just do this one thing for me. Why can't you just let me see him? How do I even start to deal with this? It's like he's completely forgotten why we are where we are. He regrets it apparently, so I should just go back to him and play happy families. That's never going to happen.

I can never trust him again. I don't want him to suffer the way I did. Not at all. And none of this was ever my intention. I'm not that type of person. And I genuinely wish he would just find someone else so he can let me move on too. I'm so sorry for rambling. I could literally go on all day. I feel like I'm in such a better place myself, my life. I'm stronger, but this is really starting to drain

me. The guy I'm seeing is so understandable, but I also feel bad on him as my phone is just bombarded all the time. What can I do? What would you do? Thank you again. You were both amazing. I need to quickly point out the bit where you say that you told him that you were talking to people because you're really open and an honest person i really um resonate with that because i feel like that's me and sometimes i overshare and you need to learn not to talk to him about anything other than your child he didn't talk to you about the fact that he was seeing someone else. I think that it's very clear that you, I mean, you have, you're in a good place

and he doesn't like that. And these men always come back or change their mind once you have healed and you've moved on. I don't want to sound like a bitch, but the likelihood is, I don't want to sound like a bitch but i am the likelihood is it's not even about him regretting it or wanting you back it's just that he doesn't want you to be happy it's an ego thing he is now not in the better position so he wants to take you back it's

i'm so happy to hear that you do not want to go back to him because it would be so frustrating to read all of this and then you question it. I'm concerned that you will end up losing someone that sounds really good and that is what he is trying to do. You need to set those boundaries and only talk to him about your daughter and do not communicate with him about anything else. Let him bombard your phone because at the end of the day your phone's not going to be bombarded if you put it on silent and turn it around if you've got your daughter when he is bombarding you you don't need to communicate with him so i'd almost be tempted to i'd okay i wouldn't block him i'd archive him and then your messages don't get notified they just go into the thing yeah like speaking from experience yeah i mean yeah that's clever i just blocked um but yeah

i i just feel so strongly about like you need to concentrate on you you are feeding him too much of your time energy and information he doesn't deserve it and you shouldn't be communicating with him about anything other than your daughter and you need to set those strict boundaries because the only person really that is allowing this conversation to continue is you you have the upper hand you are in control of this so you make those changes and ignore him you can't feel bad it is his doing and you're doing nothing wrong. You're living off the adrenaline and the excitement and it's shinier and newer and it's all very different. And I also think a lot of it stems, like what Tash said, like when you're healing and when you're happier, they're like, oh, they can live without me. Don't want them to what they don't want i i think i don't look i don't want to come across as sexist because this could potentially work the other way

around but it's that masculinity of like why don't they want me that like it's an ego thing yeah like that like it's an ego thing yeah like i want them to beg for me like i want them to like want me to beg for them back kind of thing why how dare they go and be happy without me how dare like and i think that can be really triggering for some people when they were the ones in control of the whole situation the whole time and now that control has been taken out of their hands they've seen you're doing good without them he is trying to emotionally blackmail you by throwing in the suicide card remember you can't control what anyone does as long as you're doing right by you and your daughter i think that's what you need to concentrate on you sound like you're a really good person don't waste your time putting your good energy to someone that doesn't deserve it i agree i do agree it's you've done so well so far like hold on to knowing you

are in control you literally only it's like what we said with the previous email you only need to have that communication about your child i are what i would do i wouldn't block it because look at the end of the day you've got if you've got your child then essentially you need to have some open line of communication i would archive Essentially, you need to have some open line of communication. I would archive. Or I would, I don't know, if it's, I find, my ex is blocked on WhatsApp.

Yeah. Because I feel like WhatsApp is a more, is an easier form. We only communicate by our iMessage now. I feel like iMessage people just don't send us. I agree. That's been really positive for us. So I think it's taking that control is knowing you are in control you don't have to do any of those things he's saying to do and actually he needs to take responsibility that you're in the position you're in because of his behavior because of his decisions

and that's not on you none of that guilt should come down to you you were doing freaking amazing go be happy this guy who you're with or seeing sounds the fact i always think when you're seeing someone and they're sticking around in difficult situations that to be honest they could probably find someone with less difficult situations i think that's a really good sign about them as a person i agree okay we're onto a bit of a theme today called Never Ending Narcissist. Okay. Dear girls, love, love, love the podcast. I so needed something like this 3.5 years ago when I went through my breakup. I think you must be helping so many people in these awful situations to realize that this isn't an end but a beautiful beginning.

I love that. My story begins Feb 2020. I was 8.5 months pregnant and my husband of nearly three years we'd been together for 8.5 years and it was completely out of the blue that he didn't love me anymore he didn't think fatherhood was for him a little bit late babe he wanted to focus on him and his career to say i was devastated does not cover it i spent the next month anxious on eggshells and and desperately trying to save my marriage and my little family before it had even begun, whilst my ex was distant, cold and uninterested. Early March, my son arrived two weeks late by emergency C-section. I believe this was due to

stress. When I held my gorgeous boy for the first time, I just knew I was going to be okay, and whatever happened, he was enough for me to to survive when we had been home a few days I had had enough and told my ex I was not going to continue like this and he was either in or out but I wasn't living in limbo anymore a few days later he decided he was done I moved back to my parents at a week post-section I couldn't remain home alone and he stayed in the family home in my dogs. It was horrendous and I have never needed or been so grateful for the love and support of my friends and family. Everyone was in complete shock and devastated. A week later, the world went into lockdown, which I genuinely believe was a saviour for me. I could lay low in my newborn bubble and just survive. My ex continues to see the baby in my parents' garden

and when I could drive, I started taking him home for visits. I'd pushed for joint counselling, but my ex wasn't interested, so I continued alone. This was an absolute game changer for me. It was when I started visiting home that I became suspicious that someone was with him in the house and a particular girl stuck in my head. My cousin lives around the corner and was adamant he had heard a girl in my garden and i'm sorry i thought you said the cousin me i was adamant he he had heard a girl in my garden and that happened to mention the same name as i had i've got goosebumps also bearing in mind we were not meant to be socialising And he was still visiting myself and my baby

He's breaking Covid rules and telling I went to the house When I knew he was at work And found a dirty makeup wipe Ew He had my hot bedroom bin Yeah Do you not have a 10 step facial care routine

Because I do And I found a dirty makeup wipe In the bedroom bin Do you not have a 10-step facial care routine? Because I do. And I found a dirty makeup wipe in the bedroom bin. He had been sleeping with this girl in my bed, surrounded by my wedding photos, next to my son's nursery. I phoned him, told him I knew what he was doing and that I would be returning home in a week and he has to leave. He denied it, then told me it was her, and then changed his story

altogether more and more people heard what had happened and added to the evidence against him but he never admitted or apologized for his actions of course a week later completely terrified i moved home alone with a baby and two dogs it was at this point whilst having counseling that i started to realize that he was a narcissist and that actually our relationship had always been quite toxic when i moved home he would come and see the baby for an hour every weekend but he had no clue how to care for our son. He was always late, he didn't stay long and would be on the phone and uninterested. This is when the serious gaslighting started. He would come and cry on the sofa that he had no one etc and just try and keep me in his clutches.

The final straw came in the July when he turned up and told me I would be taking my four-month-old to his mum's from now on and he would have him there. And then showed me messages, well, death threats, that I or a friend had supposedly sent to this girl, his mate and another girl he was falsely rumoured to be with. This was all a game set up by him and his new girl. This is messed up. Why is...

Why is the girl so fucking weird? I caught him out, at which point he said there was no point in him being here and he may as well die. What is with all these men? I was done. I rang his mum and told him I was not taking my son there. She agreed and this was no longer my problem and I would not be having him in my house without a chaperone. The fallout was quite big following this. He would come back once a weekend and one weeknight to get him ready for bed but he was generally late and unreliable.

In November 2020 I found evidence of his relationship. I gave it to his mum and left to walk my dogs. When I got back he finally had to admit that it was the girl I had my suspicions about from the very beginning. When his mum had to stop coming due to Covid restrictions and caring for her terminally ill father he fell off the face of the earth. For the next two years I was subject to gaslighting, financial abuse and he did not see or ask about our son. I was just slowly kept podding on. December 2022, I hit rock bottom again. I still didn't own my house. I still wasn't divorced. He was still getting at me. My ex had started a new relationship, and after two years without contact, he decided he would like to start seeing my son. For

my son's sake, I agreed, but remained firmly in control, much to my ex's disgust. My divorce finally came through in March. A year later he is engaged, having a baby and still making my life hell. Does he even want to be a dad though? He is so narcissistic it's untrue and I will not conform and it's horrendous every time I say no to him he loses the plot and it's a drama. When we make a step forward every time I'm subject to a shitstorm of drama. If I don't react I'm even punished. In the last fortnight he has gone ballistic at me for not agreeing to a set weekend which I'm unable to do because of work commitments. His new partners message me to tell him if I'm a good mum I will do as he says. And today on his first day out with my son he has taken him to his home for the first time.

first day out with my son he has taken him to his home for the first time after I specifically had said that it was not to happen as it's over an hour away and it's still very confusing for my three and a half year old son that still doesn't understand how or why daddy has never lived in this house I am livid I'm in a much better place generally and three thousand times better off without him and I'm at my wits end if this is going to be life forever is there any way I can make it better any advice would be greatly appreciated keep up the good work love and best wishes i find it so do you know what i'm just so wary of these days is there's so many nasty people who manipulate and control and as soon as the idea of them not being in control is taken away they can't handle it and they get angry and you know it's it's not okay to try and

make someone do something like as a threat like this is one thing I will not ever stand for is I will do like I'm very much like there's going to be things that crop up in co-parenting relationships that need speaking about and yes there's going to be probably two conflicting ideas about what one parent wants compared to another but it's really important you're able to come to some kind of agreement one thing i will never tolerate is being threatened into making a decision over something and i think that's one thing that's obviously very apparent in this relationship is it sounds like as soon as he doesn't get his own way he makes threats and it sounds like he's been so unreliable and in and out of your life the thing that i'm wondering is she's mentioned that she's divorced meaning i'd like to think there is some sort of like financial like you know that final

the child care should be in the financial order yeah so maybe that isn't or maybe because she said he wants to come back now and have a relationship. Maybe there was something in there when he wasn't having a relationship with them and now he wants to. But you can't, like, it's very hard. You can't change it. No, I agree. So I don't know if you've got anything in place that's been, like, you know, sorted out through the court that if he's rewired.

Yeah, no, if you're the main person, then the thing is, I guess we don't know that information, so we can't really say anything about it. But one thing that I want to point out that really stood out for me in that email is the fact that you gave birth to your first child. that point where you were like I'm not going to stay in limbo you're in or you're out like that the fact that you could do that pretty much speaks so much volume about the type of person you are remember that strength you had at the beginning and take that on board because I don't think many people would be able to do that like you just had a sex section you just had your newborn baby i just think that too many times these men worm their way back in in a way of like manipulating you and making you feel like you don't have a say or control your child them yeah your child obviously has a better relationship with you. What was it like for two years that you didn't see his kid or something?

Like, again, I know we say the same thing over and over. It is setting those boundaries that work for you. Like, I'm not telling you not to allow your son to see his dad because I think it's good of you to like not put their interests yeah not to restrict your son from potentially having a relationship with him and then if he wants to fuck it up then that's on him but I feel like we need to really understand what communication needs to be had and what doesn't and yes you may feel like you know you're still i think she says she's still in the house so she doesn't own or whatever do you know what as long as you're in a

home and the roof goes over your head you don't need to own it like courts will never put a mum and a child out on the street and that's something that we learned from tracy as well I think I think the hardest thing about a breakup a divorce a separation when you have kids is you can't just go completely no contact you are bounded to that person for life you've got that constant link to them forever whether or not they have that relationship with your child there will always be some kind of right or you know relationship or you know whether they don't have a relationship with them now that might be something they want to explore when they're older that for me has always been the most challenging part of going through this I feel like previous like prior to having kids when you go through a breakup you go no contacts you delete everything you get rid of

them you don't ever have to be in the presence of that person again you don't have to communicate with them it is incredibly difficult having to communicate with someone who has brought you trauma, who has brought you heartbreak, who has hurt you, has manipulated you, who continues to treat you in a way with such disrespect. And I think you're handling it so well. Look, I do believe time is a healer. I do believe things always have the scope to get better over time. things always have the scope to get better over time like let's hope he i don't know seeks help or he meets someone who brings out the best in him or i know i'm trying to be positive i'm trying to be positive but i'm just saying we can't control other people we are unfortunately linked to these people forever and we have to make that as as good as it possibly can be in the nicest possible way do you know what

i'm gonna say the serenity prayer because i think it's very useful are you ready for this do you know the serenity prayer no god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change so the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference i live by those three things right like guru who where did you come from when you accept yeah when you have that acceptance and then the courage to you know realize what you can and can't change and the wisdom of knowing the difference between the acceptance and it makes a difference you cannot change someone else you can only change yourself you can only control yourself you didn't create it you can't control it and you are not the one to cure it you've just gotta you you've gotta deal with the cards you've been dealt and sadly some people are fucking

shit and you've got to co-parent with these pigs but but you know what you sound like an amazing person and one day you will find someone if you want to that will appreciate you you sound like an amazing mum you've got your son and i feel really strongly about learning to set those boundaries i agree boundaries are absolutely key in co-parenting yeah just got to episode 10 and cracking up laughing first single mum date we kissed before we'd even said a full sentence of each other it was a late morning day not a drunk night out or anything but we just couldn't not we also slept together on the first day after this kiss it was so intense it was just incredible it's interesting that i found that totally fine but i still haven't let him even

pick me up from my house because my daughter lives there i've only been dating a month now so who knows if it affects this long term but the intensity and passion of that first kiss seems to turn up in anything that we do from wandering around in Tesco's to discussing work days. I'm thinking fail fast but maybe we won't. Either way that's the first date. It was very worth it. Love the show and how you've been so open and honest in your podcast best wishes I mean I know we've gone from literally talking about like copernicist to like sex on a first date but like good for you I love that and I think as well like the passion you have with someone and that intensity so like can I just I feel like I need to talk about this because I

can't even tell you how many dms I've had about obviously it was must have been episode 10 when we were talking about dating and I spoke about my first date with that person loads of people have been like we want to know it was the first date the person you went on your first date with is that your boyfriend now and I can confirm it is my boyfriend now so So I know what it's like to have that. I did not sleep with him on the first day, FYI. But we had that chemistry and that spark. Okay.

Hi, ladies. I need some advice, please. Last September, I separated from my partner of nine years and father of two beautiful children, six and 18 months. For financial reasons, we have had to stay in the same house and for the sake of our eldest have carried on functioning like a normal family. The only difference being we stay in separate rooms. I thought we had been doing really well and still had a good level of respect and communication going right up until I saw some messages on his phone. Backstory,

not that I need to justify myself to you lovely girls, because well, you know, I was actually going on his phone to check for messages from his eldest daughter, my stepdaughter, who has said she's been trying to reach out to him. Anyway, here's me thinking I'm Colleen Rooney with this essay backstory. I found explicit messages and explicit photos on his phone from this girl that he has met in August this year. He has also sent photos of the children to her. As angry as this made me and as fucking gross as it was to read I chose not to say anything but kept a record of the messages. They seem to be mainly sexual. Me and the kids then went away for a few days later for the weekend so he could do a load of DIY jobs uninterrupted in the lead up to getting the house on the market.

Obviously, I've opened up Pandora's box and when I got back tonight, I found more messages. But this time there is proof that she has been in our family house for the night. We hooked her dinner. She stayed. They probably had sex in my bed, the only double in the house. And even if they didn't have sex, I'm just appalled with the complete lack of respect. I would never even think about talking to someone right now,

let alone bringing them into the family home. My question is, do I confront him? I'm worried that he will turn it around on me for going on his phone. If you think I should say something, please, I need tips. Nine years of sweeping what now looks like the contents of Wilco's under a big-ass carpet for an easy life. I had that carpet.

Lumpy. Has meant sticking up for myself has been on the back burner. If you have three minutes to help her go out, I would really appreciate some advice, but if not, keep doing what you're doing. You're both great. Okay. Okay.

Going to be brutally honest here not together you're separated the bit about her going into your home not cool like really really disrespectful however you're not together so in theory in theory and sorry if this is not correct in some people's eyes, he's not doing anything. I think as long as those messages don't stem back into when you were together. Yeah. I agree. I don't think, I think then again, it's a boundary thing. I think particularly when you're living in the same house as someone,

post-separation, I mean, respect to anyone who does that because... Do you know what? I did do that. You did? And I tried to grab the phone and we were separated. But for me, I was trying to find things I knew were wrong from when we married but i do think it's a boundary thing and i i i don't know whether you need to approach him about what you found because i do think then he may feel like his boundaries have been invaded invaded and i would will that sort of quite rightly they had i'm trying to put myself but i think they need to have some boundaries and be like look we're separated

there may well be a possibility there'll come a time and she doesn't need to let on she knows there may well come a time where we start seeing other people we need to have boundaries that whilst we're still living together both people don't come into the family home that's complicated that's messy it's disrespectful i would feel highly disrespected yeah at that being a thing particularly they're both living in the same house you know it's different if one of them's not doesn't live there anymore yeah you're both living in that house i think it's really important that wherever you live feels safe and feels comfortable and i think when that's violated that's difficult yeah I think the only thing that would maybe be hard is I know that if I kind of like went in with that approach I know that my ex would be like yeah of course I'd never do that and then in your head you're

thinking hold on you have done that I'm gonna need to let him know I know so the thing is it's a difficult one because if you use the evidence against him to make him aware that you know then in theory you have sort of over overstepped a boundary um it is an invasion of his privacy if he had gone and looked at your phone then you would probably hate it but at the same time sometimes i think oh do you know what you're already over who gives a shit maybe just fucking do it so i i don't know like i know that and that's not really clear advice i think i probably wouldn't be able to help but say something i would like yeah i wouldn't not be able to say something but i don't know whether i do think i think maybe you should speak about it but i do think you do need to try and put whether or not he respects those boundaries

i think he can change his pen yeah i think it's just sometimes I think that if you're going to feel better voicing that and getting it off your chest. I do think, no, if you're separated, like. But then again, he's getting things ready to put the house on the market. Is it worth it? But at the same time, is there going to be another opportunity for him to have someone there? If you're not going away again, part of me thinks for the sake of the environment for your children this is me now putting on my like reasoning and being like you know sensible is there a point in bringing it up

if there's never going to be an opportunity again where he can bring that woman to your house. But if you feel like it's going to eat you up inside and like, I'm not being helpful, asshole. I don't know. It's really shit. But at the same time, you aren't together anymore. If anything, maybe use this as like clarity that you're doing the right thing by not being with him because he's got no respect.

And maybe just keep that to yourself as you know I've now got this information he doesn't know I know but I know that I'm going to find someone that's going to have more respect for me I don't know sorry I feel like that was really unhelpful of me yeah I feel like those emails were really good so make sure that we've finished this all and we don't just want to hear obviously we are here to give our advice and please remember with all our advice like we are not qualified experts we are giving advice like we would give to our friends like if it if our friends came to us with those problems that's the way we do it so please if you're looking for proper professional that ain't

us no it's a bit shallow yeah we don't just want to hear like about all the sadness and infidelity and narcissists we we do want to hear some positive things we want to hear your dating stories we want to hear your success stories we want to hear confessions we want to hear it all so please please please it's just like mum hacks or you know something that you did and you want to talk about something that you did with your kid that you shouldn't have and something embarrassing or funny oh yeah mum hacks someone messaged me so i shared that i put milo on reigns when i out. And she puts either on like their hair tie or attached to their pockets, little hair tags so she can track her time. Yeah, I've seen people do that.

I thought it was good for like Disney or something. Yeah, I nearly did that at Disney. But yeah, should we do, so we had some people send in a confession of the week and they, I love them. I feel like this is a good one. So do you want to share one? Okay, it's quite a long one. It's in an email, I love them. I feel like this is a good one. So do you want to share one? Okay, it's quite a long one. It's in an email, I think.

Hi, girls. Have found some evidence that my partner has been cheating on me. Little confession this week. I made him a cup of tea with the water from the toilet. Oh! It made me feel better

Oh my god that is What did she do guys scoop on my gut I hope you didn't boil it because that would probably clean it But I hope you just heated it up I hope she didn't boil it because then her kettle would need to be thrown away Oh my god that is a hellenia Serves him right. Okay, concession of the week.

My daughter had a birthday party this weekend and I ran out of time to get a present. Her birthday party was three weeks ago and we got some presents that we felt like she didn't want and could be good for re-gifting. My error, I didn't make a note of who bought what. I re-gifted the gift to the person who bought it for my daughter. She made a comment.

I feel ill. She made a comment that it was the same thing that she had got my daughter. Nothing's been said since. I just don't think you need to revisit that i think you just brush it under the carpet that is honestly my oh my i i feel like you do have that supply of gifts in the cupboard that people give and you're like yeah i feel like everyone does but oh my god right so going forward guys mom hack make a little note on the back who bought you are and don't i mean i do have a notebook of what everyone bought yeah it's such a me you know i love a list i don't that was hilarious should we do one more because they're just giving me life confession of the week i shouldn't love this one am i yeah okay

girls that love the podcast have been listening to your episodes but i have to say the ones around sex are my favorite so i'm wrong i can't even say it been looking to spice up our relationship and thought we'd take some of Tasha's Tasha's advice and invest in a butt plug

what I know it's going to be a bit like did I know well what can I say wow and that's it I love that

so good best of the week because she used a butt plug good for you hon Can I say, wow? And that's it. I love that. So good picture of the week is she used a butt plug. Good for you, Han. Yeah. I love that. They were good. I feel like, as always, we're going to end the episode with a little affirmation of the week. Hit us with one.

Okay. I found one. It's quite a long one, but I think it's quite nice considering some of the emails. My heart is healing every day I release any resentment or anger from my body and I am grateful for the opportunity to grow I love that nice isn't it yeah really love that um thank you everyone for sending things in um without the stuff that you send in I mean this episode wouldn't exist so please send say we want to we want you to

bombard and blow up our inbox yeah so yeah i hope you enjoyed the episode share like put it on your stories tag us spread spread the love and we will see you again next week