Not As We Planned - 29. You Made a Lucky Escape

Episode Date: February 1, 2024

Should you tell your kids about infidelity? Do you admit to having children when dating and how to cope with feeling insecure. We discuss it all on this week’s episode. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly and you're listening to Motherhood Not As We Planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys and welcome back to this week's episode of Motherhood Not As We Planned. How are you feeling this week? How am I feeling? Yeah, I'm definitely better than last week. Yeah, the whole no contact thing is definitely a new experience.

I have had my moments of like feeling very weak and being like, do I contact? But I know it's not a good thing. And do you know what i feel like sharing it on instagram or tiktok does give me that kind of like strength because so many people are just so lovely sending in the messages being like oh i'm on day 12 like hold on like it does get better and sending me like cute memes and reels and like so it does really help and that's sending me like cute memes and reels and like so it does really help and that's just another reminder of why I like doing the podcast and why I like sharing things on Instagram because you don't

feel alone I think when you're going through something like this yeah you do yeah you're very much on your own when you feel like alone and like no one else really understands you it is a really horrible place to be I think I've just come to the conclusion like really like self-reflecting and journaling and everything. You know, sometimes I sit there and I worry that I'm going to regret something or have I fucked this up or should I have done that? And I think that if two people are really, really meant to be together, then nothing that you do will mess that up and if two people are not meant to be together then actually there's nothing that you're going to be able to do to fix it so I'm sort of holding on to that in the universe and just sort of going with it yeah I think so you can't I don't know it's going to happen in the future no one does no I wish I just had this crystal ball and but yeah so I'm just I'm just plotting and going with it and existing and doing well yeah I'm riding the wave how's your week been uh I had I had a good weekend I went away for a weekend in a treehouse which was amazing um

anyone looking for like a nice weekend escape even with kids actually it had these really cute little nooks for the kids to sleep and I was thinking like my kids with what Theo was thinking to sleep in it well nearly I did want to go in there um but yeah really really lovely weekend in a treehouse which was so nice like I'm finding like my weekends without the kids are really really lovely and then but I also love coming back and it just being yeah I'm not like I'm not gonna lie I think one thing I've really noticed this week is like I'm having really lovely positive times and like I'm really loving the time of my kids but I also think sometimes what people forget is like I'm also going for a divorce and I don't think people

talk enough about how hard that is like the actual process like I we had our first mediation session this week and I obviously voice noted you and like I don't know whether I just like hadn't really thought about it or what but it really knocked me like unexpectedly like just it's draining it's draining but it's also like i don't know it i feel like he's the only person in the world who makes me angry or brings up those feelings of like hate so I feel like there's probably also even when you let go of that person there's still a lot of resentment there because you're going through this situation because of them do you know what I mean I think yeah very very hard for me it's not necessarily resentment I guess it's resentment in one way of like

you mentioned last week like that accountability we spoke about that last week but the other thing that annoys me is like the thing i struggle with is feeling like i knew someone for 10 years and not that i ever thought we'd ever break up but feeling like it's so scary then feeling like you were dealing with a total stranger we've spoken about it before I think sometimes because just because how I would choose to behave in a certain situation you can't expect the same for others and I think that's what I'm finding really challenging is how I see things and I'm really trying to put my kids first I'm obviously not going to delve too much into

details but yeah like this week my my anxiety like my chest I literally feel like my heart has been jumping out my chest all week and when I'm when I'm when my anxiety is high I feel less settled in my relationship not because of anything my partner's done but I'm just in that high state of like anxiety and bless him like he is that's off to the guy like he's been amazing with me this week and I said to him like I think I need to come up with strategies as to what's going to help me on those days where you know I'm dealing with things to do with my divorce because I don't I didn't like how I felt and I need to take control so I did start back yesterday did my first gym session so in since last February

of year so I feel like maybe that might be my way of coping like for me exercise has always been like my mental health coping mechanism yeah yeah so I'm hoping yeah it's i think that in general when and i think we've spoken about this previously when you're going through a divorce and but but you're happy in a new relationship i think a lot of people think that like oh she's fine now she's met someone now 100 she's happy with her kids she's happy with her boyfriend living her best life yeah actually there is still this whole other part of your life where you're having to go through the emotion you're revisiting trauma yeah 100% I remember we only went to one mediation and I literally left thinking like I literally just paid someone to watch me argue for two hours like what a great

job like like take your money yeah and it does remind me of like we were we were at such a bad place at one point like attacking each other like just not listening like at each other's throats I thought how are we ever going to agree on anything? So I really, really resonate. But I guess all I can say is I know every situation is different. Every person is different as well. And it depends on how you eventually come together and work it out. But like, I eventually got through it. And I got divorced.

I know. That's it. And I think it's not usually an easy journey. Literally what you've said is like the nail on the head. Like I think a lot of people, because I am sharing, I am experiencing some really nice highs at the moment and that's great. And like I'm doing fun weekends away and I'm doing fun things with the kids. And whilst I'm trying to be really positive,

like divorce is still really bloody hard. It is mentally draining. And even not just the divorce part, but sometimes co-parenting or trying to still navigate having that other person, that other person is stuck in your life when all you really want is for them to disappear.

And I feel like this week I am going to reach out to a couple of my friends and be like, hey, I'm really struggling. Like like i just need someone to vent to i think that that's maybe sometimes we need to take oh it's my fault for being like oh they're not there for me so how out of order actually tell someone let's be honest if people have not gone through what we have been through they won't understand i agree you're happy i don't need to check on her she's loved up she's loving life she's really content being on her own with the kids i i don't need to check on her fucking hell she smashed it good for you and yeah like goodbye do you know what i mean so sometimes i think it is

actually taking that but also yeah i think i agree like i'm gonna take responsibility this week and there's a couple of people who i'm gonna voice it and be like hey like can they just vent to you for a minute yeah but also like if you listen to this and you do have a friend who's going for divorce and you do feel like you know they're doing pretty well and they're quite happy like check in on them because i guarantee like they probably want to then all punch a wall there's still stages that I haven't experienced yet yes I might be divorced but I still have a forever existing co-parenting relationship with a person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you know I've still in the back of my mind I know that one day there will be another person that I need to have my kid introduced to

and you know so there's new there's going to be new there's always new things yeah and and that that's something that's probably my scariest um so yeah I think it's just kind of like accepting what we can and reaching out to people when we need to rather than sort of waiting. Yeah, I agree. Maybe they just don't know. I think we just have to understand as well, like everyone's got their own shit going on and like our shit is just different to theirs. And it's like with anything that you you can't appreciate it until you are in that person's shoes or you've experienced it. I never thought, I mean, I don't actually know anyone else

who's gone through a divorce like in my generation. Yeah. I kind of feel like guys on the guinea pig. I'm taking it for the team. So if you need me, come to me, I will get it. But yeah, it's, do you know what I find? Not hard about it, but i feel like because i'm experiencing really high highs it makes the low lows harder because i feel like it's really extreme like extreme here and then like i literally felt like i was away i had this amazing weekend away i was

like up here and then on the monday i had mediation and straight away and i pulled back down and like i find that mentally draining on like my mood like feeling so positive and upbeat and like this is amazing and then suddenly i'm like oh fuck yeah no i can't appreciate that um but yeah hopefully at some point right now guys and if you're going through divorce and you're at the point where you're like how is this ever going to come to an end that is like my uh pinnacle do you know what we didn't really touch on it properly last week so i feel like i was too kind of like like emotionally distracted with everything with my breakup but i feel like i want to touch a bit more and actually

going through those like emotions and stuff and how I felt when I was, like when I got that email being like, you are now divorced. It's the strangest thing because I think like for so long, I was like just constantly like, oh, come on now.

Back and forward. I really want to get divorced. I really want to get divorced. And then it was almost like this like weird anti-climax. Like me and my um ex were at well as in like ex-husband now i've got two exes um so kid's dad me and the kid's dad were like messaging and i was like so he messaged me being like i think like it's all sorted with the solicitors i was like okay now what and he was like i think we now just have to do it on the online application you apply for the final right because you really

shouldn't do that until your financial yeah orders in place yeah that was done like the solicitors confirmed like this is all done the courts have agreed it so i remember just going on to like signing it in and i had to like change my password because it's like you haven't signed in for 20 weeks so like you had to like redo it all went in and then it was just like click here to apply for the final order so I just like clicked it and I'm just sitting there waiting and then I messaged him being like I've done it and he was like okay and then he literally just messaged me about being like all done with divorce and it's just like i don't know it's really really weird and then i got an email it was like from the gov website it's like um confirmation of your application you like you

are now officially congratulations i didn't actually say because i don't know i suppose you were now officially divorced i was just a bit like yeah you know what so I remember messaging messaging him I didn't know what to say so I was like yeah I can see um and then I put I didn't know what to say so I messaged him being like congrats lol and then he replied being like awkward lol and then I think I just put a merry Christmas because it was just before Christmas and then I don't know like it was weird I think we like had like a little moment messaging and I and we both sort of said like it just feels it's quite weird like you go from all of a sudden I was like oh I'm not missus anymore but I know we haven't been married like we've been separated I can't imagine that feeling because I I feel like even though i'm legally still married i feel so disconnected to him like i didn't feel married

the whole time that we were going through the divorce but now it's literally like okay i'm now like officially like a man well yeah i keep calling myself miss i've already gone back to my maiden name that's the thing because you're going back to a maiden name it feels weird for me to be myth my married name yeah that's like i need to refer to like no i've not even known i don't know it was a it's a bit of a bittersweet feeling if i'm honest like yes i'm happy i'm divorced but at the same time it's a bit like it's also quite sad like you know you get married think it'll work out forever um so yeah we both sort of said it was a weird feeling it's a bit bittersweet and then we just ended the conversation by saying like really happy how how our relationship

is now and we hope that now moving forward there's not going to ever be a reason for it to be any different yeah and we sort of agreed and that was like the end of the conversation and i don't know i just feel like for anyone that is at that point where they do they've just found out that they're divorced i think it's okay to feel a bit sad not because you know you're like oh I want to get back with them because I don't but um it's just like an end of a chapter I just can't imagine feeling sad at this point I think it's it's it's just sadness of like okay like it was almost like I could breathe like I can't explain it was like it is that bittersweet it is a weight over you now I don't need to do any more solicitor emails, paying any more solicitor.

I don't know. It's just, and now breathe. And then it's a bit like, oh, how weird, like we're divorced. But do you know what? It's really nice for it to be done. So yeah, there is that light. And you just got to know that like, you're going to get there. Going to get there.

Okay, guys. So I wanted to read. This is called Dating Story. Oh, okay. Let's go. Hi, guys. Loving the podcast. Thought I'd send in my most recent dating dilemma.

Sorry if it's a bit long. So New Year's Eve 2022 going into 2023. I met someone on a night out. See, I love that. I feel like you don't really meet people on nights out well i go anywhere we instantly clicked get on so well which never happens for me he came back to mine and we slept together then i didn't hear from him so i assumed i was ghosted a week after he got in touch asking to see me for him to then tell me he had a girlfriend wasn't happy with her and wanted to leave her no red fucking flag red flag please step away from the table you know what i feel like we need to do

i feel like we need to buy some red flag to him let's do that let's do it i'm gonna order some red flags and a green flag perhaps not many of those around at the moment i said i didn't want to be involved in an affair type thing and if he left her we could start something whether it be dating or just a fwb thing what's that buddy what's fwb friends would benefit that's the app yep sorry i'm old school and you know because of the film there's that film called friends have been i watched that the other way great film yeah it's really good you Friends Who've Been With Us. I watched that the other week. It's a great film. Yeah, it's really good. You're so fit.

We texted for a few weeks and then met up again for coffee. He said all the right things. I just couldn't help but like him despite him having a girlfriend. Mid-February, he left his girlfriend and we started spending more time together. I went on holiday and he stayed in my house to house sit. We went on lovely dates. He even took me for a spa day for my birthday and we had the best day. It got to June and he came over one night. He was on his phone a lot which was unusual for him. He then went to the toilet and he got a notification. Oh he left his phone. My instinct

was to check his phone so I did and it was the girl that was messaging him. I didn't say anything about reading the text but then started a conversation asking what we were. He said he wasn't really ready for anything serious. Situationship. Yeah, the thing is, I don't think that someone saying that they don't want anything serious is a red flag as long as you're on the same page. But you have to communicate about that.

Yeah. But I also think, like, my opinion, I feel feel like I don't know if I'm quite old school with things but like for me like straight up I want to know if someone's looking for something serious I don't think that although saying that like when I got into a relationship you were well I didn't know what I wanted yeah so actually maybe some people don't know I didn't I didn't think I had I to be honest I was the same. I remember even saying, I'm not looking for Mr. Right, I'm looking for Mr. Right now.

I just wanted to explore, date, have a bit of fun. Yeah. And when you meet that person, you meet that person. But yeah, you've got to sort of be on the same page. But I feel like, like me and my boyfriend now, I feel like from day one,'ve been very up front with things I feel like I don't know but I don't maybe just not everyone's like that but I like I then again I wasn't like that with the person before I'm only speaking from experience yeah I do think I am

particularly like wired to be old school I really am no I get that I think sadly in this day and age a lot of people aren't no I feel like I was born in the wrong era sometimes i want to be imported and i literally want someone to come and come yeah i want to be courted and take out dancing write me a letter well beautiful flowers waxed out and yeah um write me a love letter take note can someone write me one i don't have anyone um we were pretty much doing boyfriend and girlfriend stuff but without the label i believe that excuse is bullshit and decided to end it there it hurt a lot it hurt a lot more than my previous eight-year relationship ending if i'm honest a month later july i decided to do a bit of facebook stalking to then find out he was in a relationship he must have been seeing us both at the same time fast forward to january this year

he's come up on people i may know on facebook so i clicked on his profile to find out that he got married oh my the day that i met him unbelievable married married he won't even he didn't know if he wanted anything serious he was obviously still with that girl. But how come? He never broke up with her. 100%. I've seen you for a bit. Like, do we know if the girl that he's got married to is the girlfriend that he broke up with? And does she know about you?

Look, can I just say, I really resonate, obviously, with you saying that it hurt a lot more than your previous eight-year relationship. I mean, that's literally me right now. I... You obviously haven't mentioned i'd like to think that you're feeling better now because it's been pretty much what like nine months yeah um lucky escape yeah it was a it was a red flag from the get-go he messaging you. He got with you on a night out and slept with you. And he had a girlfriend. I always think that if someone starts a relationship in a dishonest way,

like, but I genuinely believe in karma. Like, I literally believe in karma. Karma always comes around. Yeah. I think it's very rare for relationships to start in a cheating situation and it continue in a healthy way. It may continue and never end, but you're not going to be happy. There'll be lack of trust there. If someone can cheat on their partner with you, they can then cheat on you.

100%. So you made a lucky escape, babe. Thank you for sending it in. Dilemma. Dilemmas. Hero. Hi, ladies. escape babe thank you for sending it in dilemma dilemmas here hi ladies i've recently started listening to your podcast and they have been such a lifeline at this truly horrendous period of my life i've been with my husband for nearly 17 years married for 14 and we have two daughters nine and six long story short i always thought we were a strong couple and was happy in our relationship

however the last six months of 2023, he became a completely different person. And his behavior towards me was horrible. Avoiding being in the house, not speaking to me, no affection, lying about where he was, etc. He finally admitted to an affair after I confronted him last month on my birthday. He didn't even get me a card. Trigger warning. Tr warning trigger that's triggering why is it always on the birthdays why can't these men just like let them know the day will start but what also like for someone who's trying not to give away their having an affair just get the

bloody girl a card like no i feel like that's what sometimes uncovers things like but do you know what do you think that sometimes they want to get caught I don't know so my experience maybe not so much wanting to get caught but becoming really like um lazy with hiding it and almost hoping you're yeah almost hoping that like I can't be bothered to make effort with you anymore. I don't want to be the bad guy. I'm going to be shit. So you end it. And then I've met someone a few weeks later. I just think,

I think sadly, well, not maybe sadly, evidently, I think a lot of men that cheat are really cowardly. At the end of the day, if you're not happy, then just leave and then go and be with

someone else rather than like trying to have your cake and eat it like these men are greedy cowards fuck you it's not all men touch no the greedy ones then not it's not only men that cheat oh shit that's what he meant women fuck you so i don't know if i've mentioned it on the podcast before i might have done but last valentine's day i'll come back to the story in a sec but last valentine's day was one of the first times prior so after obviously i mentioned a couple of weeks ago and that we had like a crisis talk in the january and then kind of just plodded along through january it got to valentine's day now my ex has always said, apart from the very first year we were together, I don't do Valentine's Day.

I'm like, you don't do Valentine's Day? Like, what girl, what girl on this planet wouldn't like to have a day where they're shown how much? Yeah, I agree, you should be shown you're loved every day, but I understand it's a hallmark thing. Some people are like, yeah. But it's a lovely thing to be able to show someone you're loved right and i remember last year he got me roses which damn right he fucking should bare minimum bear min anyway so he got me flowers and i think he thought like that's that but i'm very much a card person and I'd got him a card and got him a few little bits

whatever so I was like but you could like here's your card and he was like oh I didn't get your card and I was like for me I would much rather have a card with something lovely written in and that's how I knew like so I'd had that I hadn't had a card on my birthday either in the November when we were actually what I thought was were good and he claimed it's because we were just away on holiday and like it was too much organization I didn't get one from the kids actually too much organization what pack a card in your suitcase yeah anyway so but for me that really hurt and I remember on that Valentine's, we had a massive fight because I was like, it's little things like that. I said, you know, like, I am one of those people who the little things mean everything

to me. You know, I think it is. It's not actually the card. It's the fact that the card means something to you. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's also the process behind it. It's the fact someone's taken their time to choose me a card that makes

them think of me they've chosen the word to write but he wouldn't have been able to write it but that's exactly what I think and it's funny because I had a card situation too and I think I did mention this it was Mother's Day Mother's Day is around March and we were really rocky from the Jan

and he got me a really crappy card from the kids. And he said, mum. And they don't call me mum. Yeah. They call me mummy. And I know some people, they may be like, oh my God, it's just a card. But to me, it was the lack of effort.

As you know, cards mean a lot to me. You have some people that don't care about cards. Yeah. They won't care and it won't be a red flag. Yeah. Don't think just because won't be a red flag yeah don't yeah don't think just don't think yeah if cars aren't your thing but it's always been a thing to me yeah yeah so bare minimum stuff guys yeah so bare minimum guys or like for me like i don't know it's nice to be showered with love and like have those words of affirmation and you know like so he was like

I remember him being like but I got you flowers I'm just like wow so yeah anyway this Valentine's Day will be better I'm sure oh shit I'll send you a car.

Galentine. Galentine. I'm going to, I've already organised, I'm going to get really nice pyjamas, girly pews. I think me and my sister and one of her friends, we're going to just like make dinner and I'll probably just cry into my pillow. That's cute.

I won't tell you what I'm doing. Please don't. I'm literally going to mute your stories. I'm going to mute everyone's stories. Sorry. I hate myself. I hate you. I'm literally going to mute your stories. I'm going to mute everyone's stories. Sorry. I hate myself. I hate you. I'm so happy.

It kind of serves some happiness. You do. No, I am genuinely. I do feel really bad sometimes. I'm like, oh, fuck. No, I'm not that person, though. I'm not bitter. Yeah, I know you're not.

No, I'm genuinely so happy for you and anyone that's happy. All it does is it confirms to me that hopefully I'll have that. You will have that. But yeah, I can honestly say the thought of Valentine's right now is... Well, last year I actually took the boys to the zoo on my own. Did you? Weird thing to do

on my own. I've never done that. My body was like preparing myself for single motherhood. You were together. I was together. And I took the boys to Colchester Zoo on my own. I've never done that. I think my body was like preparing myself for single motherhood because... You were together. I was together and I took the boys to Colchester Zoo

on my own. Am I insane? What did I do last Valentine's? Spent it with the true loves of my life. I was at Penny Hill Park. You should have

the violence that I... Anyway. I have to do a Valentine's episode. You might have to. Okay, anyway, back to the email. Right, sorry. Anyway, there was something about a card.

What is that? On my birthday, he didn't even get me a card. And although he says it's long finished, he realises he no longer loves me and wants to separate slash divorce. He said his poor behaviour was due to him feeling ashamed and trying to hide away from his issues. He is still in the house while he sorts out somewhere to go and we are actually being amicable although I find this extremely hard. We haven't told the children yet but we do need to do this soon. I'm struggling to

accept that he has made the decision single-handedly to split up and is not willing to work on things or try to make it work. He's completely checked out. Dilemma number one. He doesn't want to tell the kids about the affair and in my opinion doesn't want to be the bad guy. I think we should tell them and be completely honest because I do not want them to find out from someone in the school playground. I don't think kids need to know. That's my opinion.

I think they will know one day. They will know. They will know. But I never sat down with the kids and put blame on their dad because look i'll be honest my kids are probably yeah my kids were younger and i'll be honest like theo definitely overheard some things in the start and if i could go back in time i would change it but i also think sometimes when you're in those raw moments it happens and we can't beat ourselves up for it I just don't think it's the right thing

to do to sit your kids down and to say that because as well like they only get one dad and they don't get to choose who their dad is and you don't want them to have this picture that their dad is a bad person I also think that the ages especially the nine-year-old i feel like that's quite a dangerous not yeah i don't want to use the word dangerous that's that's the wrong word it's an age where um they can understand to a certain extent you could then tarnish the relationship that that child has with their dad and that could in turn end up falling back on you and blaming you for being so open I personally would never sit down I just and they're adult issues I think the reason you've broken up are

grown-up issues that again like children that age will spend so much time ruminating and overthinking and like feeling sad or angry and feelings i don't believe they need to i don't believe it's their responsibility to process issues that are adult issues that's my opinion i agree and i think look when the time comes and they're older kids find out like i you know there's people i know who've grown up well went through divorce when they were kids they they know which parent had an affair i feel like you know we sat down with our kids together and however much i may have felt strongly like a dislike to him at the time i didn't sit there making them aware like by the way just to let you know like daddy's done there like i just don't think that's a healthy way to

do it i think that you need to show them that you're as amicable as possible i know you said that can you repeat it did she say something about like i know that he doesn't want to be seen to be the bad guy they're nine and six there should be no bad guy let them still love their dad yeah and hopefully you know he'll still be there he won't let them down although he's let you down and let them figure it out when they're older that they're there i know also you said that you're worried about them finding things out there's things that my kids don't know that other people do know about the split of my marriage. And I cannot imagine it's ever going to be discussed in the playground. And yeah.

I wouldn't spend time worrying about it. Like if one of your children comes home and something has been discussed, that's something to worry about if and when that happens. I don't think that should be the reason i i just think the kids are too young i mean i wouldn't do it to any age kids i just don't think in my opinion i don't believe putting blame on any parent as frustrating and as raw and as painful as it feels to you and as unjust as it feels to you that that's not it's not like it's not your choice that this is happening that That shouldn't be absorbed into the kids.

I don't think they need to be worrying about adult problems. Yeah, I really agree. Dilemma two. He is a coach at a professional sports team and the affair was with someone he met through one of the club's sponsors. He refuses to tell me her name. Do I contact the club to dob him in? I feel that he is getting away without any

sort of punishment or reprimand and although i don't necessarily want him to lose his job i feel that at least deserves a bit of stick from his colleagues the woman's partner apparently does not know again i'm i'm giving my opinion on this like 10 months out because i remember at the start of my relationship ending wanting to find out every single detail I could regarding my situation however I'm coming at you way more level-headed it doesn't make a difference like you getting justice justice I'm gonna say because there is no justice you making people where it doesn't make the situation better. It doesn't, it won't make you feel any better. Do you know what? You'll get a short term fix.

That hit of like, I found out who she is. Fuck you. Like, take that. Like, but then you'll realise, okay, I'm still in the same place. Look, you've got the facts you need to know. He had an affair. He, you know, he may or may not still be with this person but actually the fact that you now know that he can disrespect you in that way he can treat you in a

way that actually quite frankly you deserve a hell of a lot more take that knowledge and do with that what you will and be like you know what i do deserve to be treated in the right way i do deserve to be with someone who is loyal and doesn't lie and look I completely get where you're coming from I know in that moment you want to know every detail you want to absolutely ruin their life and I'm not sat here like on my high horse looking down and being like oh my god like why would you want to do that like I did some of those things and hindsight, does it even matter? Does it even matter? No, it doesn't.

Because you can't change what's been done. You can't change the person he is or has become. And I think sometimes you just have to accept your new set of circumstances very much for what they are yeah and i think that you also don't want to end up being responsible for potentially him losing his job i know it's his doing but i think just just sort of keep in your lane and do right by you and the kids and don't really lower your standards to kind of like have one up on him because i don't think it really get you anywhere and it kind of sounds like you haven't had your light bulb moment yet where you've thought like thank god i know all

this now and i feel like that will that he's his heart that he's coming yeah and you know look look i bit like I'm saying this from someone who has been through it and the way you're speaking, like, I really, I felt those things at the start. You kind of feel like you want... Revenge. Revenge, you do.

You want revenge, as brutal as that sounds. Like, you're like, this person broke my eye. Name me a woman who hasn't had their heart broken that doesn't want revenge on that person that broke their heart. Like, I get it. But take it from people who have been there and realise it doesn't. It's one of the emotions of grief is that anger. Yeah.

That's part of the grieving process. Put it all down. Yeah. Vent to your friend. Go to a rage room. Yeah, I think I need that. We can do that. Can we?

There's one near me. Take me there. There's one near me. We'll book it. I don't even have that much rage. I think I'll just sit in the room and cry. I'll be smashing everything up still. I'm so afraid.

I'm going to say this, you know. Yeah, write it down. vent to your friends just don't lower yourself to his standard and also know like your light bulb moment is coming like you'll look back and be like yeah god i am on out of that like it literally her problem i like your problem you know what i i do appreciate she says she was with him for 17 years it's a fucking long time take it from someone someone that was with someone for 17 years i honestly didn't see my life without him and things get better and you can find someone better and i know you're hurting right now

and you're angry and you're upset and it's like, I can't believe he did this to me and he's got away with it and he's in this nice relationship and he's got this good job and you could potentially mess it up for him. But also he'll use that against you. Like, be the bigger person. Like, be the bigger person.

Yeah, be the bigger person. Try. Yeah, thank you for sending in. Okay, Dating With Kids. Hi, ladies. Love the podcast. Thank you for sharing all your experiences. Like you both, I'm a solo mom.

Starting to think about dating now. Listening to one of your podcasts, which was great and so funny, I wanted to ask you how you approach dating with the topic of having kids and dating with kids. My ex doesn't have our daughter overnight, so it's a bit tricky, but I'm so anxious to even date and say, I have a daughter. How did you overcome that?

I mean, I only ever dated through the dating app and I had on there that I had children. It was in my eyes, I felt like, even if I was just wanting to like meet someone for, you know, a casual thing, whatever it was, I felt like I don't need to hide that I'm a mum. So I'd like to think that if people actually read my profile rather than just looked at the photos, they would have approached me or spoke to me knowing. Yeah. would have approached me or spoke to me knowing yeah even have to I was more worried about when they were like oh I see you have kids how many because I think that three is quite daunting yeah I'm saying I think I think I had it my profile I don't actually remember but I do know it's

one of the first things I said because for me it's still a no deal isn't it like well I think at the end of the day like I don't think it's something that you should be ashamed of or hide you come with a child or two or three yeah like they are part of you so it's like this is me accept it or don't so I don't think that you need to be worried of overcoming like telling someone you have a child like that is you so if they want to take you yeah I agree you are great if not bye for me I met my boyfriend on a dating app and one of the first things must have been over a bank holiday weekend because he like asked like had I done anything and that's how I broke it I was like oh actually I took my kid I have kids I

spent it in soft play I've got two kids and he was like oh and he he's got three kids and that actually connect I felt that actually was one of our connector things I feel like for me instantly when I spoke to someone who got it yeah I really liked that and I think prior to him I don't actually think I'd spoken to anyone with kids. And I didn't know. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend. I wasn't looking for a relationship.

I don't think I knew whether if and when the time came, whether I'd wanted to see someone with or without kids. Until that moment when I found, I don't know, just when we started speaking, the connection was literally instant. Like it flowed. We got each other. He's also going through a divorce. So it's very much living in the same page. We're in the same page. Yeah.

And like I think one thing you have to be more open minded with is right now is, don't get me wrong, it's really scary. And I feel like dating has changed a lot since god since I was single like 10 years ago the apps were only just starting so I'd never used a dating app before and the whole concept of eh like it's scary um but I also think like I nowadays I literally feel like everyone meets their partners on apps. I know we've had so many people write in to us who have met, like, the second love of their life through apps. And, you know, like, I get stories all the time, like, we're one big blended family and it's amazing.

And I think there's some really positive stories. So I would definitely be, like, open-minded. And I, like, what you did, I'd maybe go in with the sort of conversation of like casually putting them in there. So you're not just like, hi, I have a kid. It's more like, oh, what did you do? Or, well, I spent it with my kids. Or I don't have my kids this weekend, but yeah, with their dad.

And at the end of the day, they're either going to be okay with it or they're not. And if they're not, then don't waste your time. Yeah. So. And I think with where you said, like, about, is there something about the night? Like, she doesn't, she, their dad doesn't have. So if you've got any family or friends who could maybe have them for a night, like here or there.

Yeah. That, yeah. It's always hard in those situations or could you i don't know could you maybe when their dad does have them do you maybe do a coffee or just something more casual or do you know what you get a babysitter and you know you don't need to spend the night with somebody you can go out for a few hours um okay this one's called self-help hi ladies firstly i'd like to say I'm not going through a breakup, but find your podcast extremely therapeutic anyway.

I like, yeah, I like that too. I look forward to Thursdays and I just love both of your Instagrams. I know both of you talk about self-help and filling your own cup. Over the past few years, I've come to realize I'm quite an insecure person and I think in turn it makes me quite controlling. Almost like things need to be on my terms or I'm pissed off. I have a stepdaughter, two of my own children and a very headstrong partner so the sense that I don't have control of my house slash life comes often and the anxiety that it ensues is sometimes overwhelming.

I sabotage my own happiness. I can make a mountain out of a molehill and honestly it's just a trait that I hate about myself. All that being said I don't know how to change i've recently done some research and would love to know how you fill your own cup and how you stop being insecure as i believe this could help both of you seem like confident young women young with your thanks bull tugs with your shit together and i just want to be like that i'm not an unhappy person but these traits make me unhappy thanks for reading any help would be so appreciated i think my confidence was like low when i separated from my kid's dad and I think the thing that maybe helped that was definitely therapy journaling a lot and then kind of like reflecting on my good point you know how I've obviously said

that like when you go through a breakup and I understand that you're not going through one but when I had to write down like the 25 like things like benefits of not being with my ex I then was made by my therapist to write 50 good things about myself and I struggled like 50 is a lot but it was little things like even like I'm really loyal I'm a good good listener, I think I'm quite funny. But like actually like really like self-reflecting and thinking about things about yourself. So I want you to go away when you listen to this and write 50 things that you like about yourself

and read those and really appreciate that like, you know, what traits are good you know you're a good mom you've taken on someone else's children that in itself speaks volumes about the type of person you are and then maybe trying to find something for you yeah whether it's a hobby or I also think it's quite interesting that that's your perception of us because actually as a person at the moment I'm probably the most insecure I've ever been and I do think that is and I have never been an insecure person like no I don't I have never that's never something I would have ever associated as a trait of mine and I feel like it's only as a result of my marriage ending

and the way my marriage ended that has made me insecure and it's something that I'm really aware of at the moment is wow I'm insecure so I know in myself like that's my own self-worth um but one thing like that's really helping me is like being honest with your your partner as well like I'm very honest with my boyfriend and I say to him like I do I feel insecure sometimes about certain things like I think it's I don't know given what I've gone through I feel like sometimes it's quite normal to feel insecure about I don't know just essentially being scared the same might happen or just it can be little things and like sometimes I completely related to what you were saying like when you feel insecure like your anxiety is like sky high and I feel like that's

really what I've been feeling like this week is I feel like when my anxiety goes up my insecurity goes up I feel like when my anxiety is low I feel a lot more secure and I'm like well I know what I have to offer like like as much as like I love being with my boyfriend like he's lucky to be with me I'm a kind and caring person and I think things like that like literally speaking positive things to yourself like as a conscious process and I'm trying to do that more it's like in the morning I try and look in the mirror and say three good things to myself like I don't know it might be you're doing a really good job as a mum like on your own at the moment it might be like you know you are really caring towards other people it might be I don't know like I feel

like I'm a very loving person and sometimes it's stepping back and knowing and accepting that that is all in your head it is only you fighting yourself and it isn't sometimes we like when we feel insecure we feel like those are facts and like that is a fact that you know you're not good enough or this or that but one thing I found really helpful when I'm having those high anxiety days because I like I've kind of like seen a pattern in where I go like on those days is I'm very open now and I say just to let you know like my anxiety is sky high today like my chest feels like my heart feels like it's going to come out my chest I could really do with some help like regulating or like and he's honestly like so amazing with it I

don't know I'm getting emotional about it I know sorry i've just never had someone who's like cared about that and that like i think that's why my relationship now i'm in is actually working so well because that communication and that being honest about but i can actually say like my anxiety is sky high like i feel so dysregulated like my brain but can go off an detergent sometimes and to have someone say or he says to me like, what can I do to help? And I'm now learning that. So sometimes, literally we're talking this week, this was after my mediation. My anxiety was really high.

And he's a bit of like a fixer. And so he always comes up with like solutions to problems. And I realized at the time I wasn't looking for a solution. I was looking for comfort rather than a solution. And I didn't realize that's what I needed. And again, it's all like a learning process. So now I'm going to say to him on those days, like, or he'll say to me, are you looking for a solution or are you looking for comfort? Or I'll be like, you know, my anxiety is really high I need help regulating I could really do with some comfort

right now or just like some words of affirmation I am very much ever since we spoke about our love languages oh my god I'm so aware of it and both of us we've been speaking a lot about he's definitely physical touch oh really yeah it's funny so am I well I'm physical touch and I say words of affirmation so we are very similar like actually physical touch and i say words of affirmation so we are very similar like actually i feel like he's words of affirmation as well so we kind of give and receive love in very similar ways so like my biggest piece of advice is like be honest with your partner like partners should be there to support you and help you and like help alleviate those feelings like and regulate you and calm you down and get you to a point where you do feel like safe and secure.

And I feel like that in turn calms you down and makes you happier. That's my advice. Yeah, no, I agree. Definitely like communicating it with your partner. You don't have to go through it alone. I don't think you need to accept like that is just you. It's not. I don't think you need to accept like that is just you.

It's not. It's a period that you're experiencing and there might be certain things that trigger you feeling that way. So I feel like you almost like need to like, like Tash said, like therapy or journal and try and like discover what makes you insecure. Like what is it that's unsettling you? Like reflecting on like the good. Yeah. And making that list. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. like what is it that's unsettling you like reflecting on like the good yeah and making that list yeah and yeah i agree but definitely communicate like i know i didn't know how

important communication was before everything but it's really highlighted to me like communication can change everything yeah okay let's go with a confession of the way. Love. Okay. Thank you for sending these in, by the way. We want more. We want more. Hi, girls. Love podcast. Wanted to send you my confession.

Please keep this anonymous. I'm going to keep this short. I've been working at my new job for three months. One of the reasons why I really like it is because I have a bit of a thing for my boss. He is married. For the last few weeks, there's been a few inappropriate comments and then a week ago, we ended up sleeping together. Oh, shit. Don't do that.

I know it's really bad. He says that he's not happy. I haven't really got anything else to say, but I wanted to give him my confession. Don't be the other woman. Don't be the other woman. Am I meant to be giving advice or just accepting this as a confession? No, do you know what? The thing is, in order for people to cheat,

there's always got to be another woman or another man. Otherwise, it wouldn't happen. And all I would say is, if he's married, I mean, you've slept with him already. And I think it's very difficult for women when they sleep with someone to not catch feelings. I just also would be mindful that he's your boss and I don't know do you want to jeopardize your professionalism and your career potentially you know think that that that working

in the in the place of having slept with your boss it's almost a bit downhill from there yeah sorry to to like be a bit of a um like burst in your bubble but I feel like it's probably really exciting at the time and and then on reflection you're a bit like the thing is I think Carly and I can I can probably but speak for both of us when I say that we're not really ones to kind of like root for the other woman i think all i would say is you can do better than being with someone that's willing to cheat on their wife so yeah like also just be wary if he's done that to his wife maybe don't catch feelings yeah because he's not a good guy get a pay rise and run there's my wife get a pay rise yeah and yeah guys thank you for sending that in make sure you carry on sending your confessions your dilemmas your dating

funny little rages yeah happy endings like red Any day. Anyway. Sex stories. I want a sex story. Send me in your sex stories. I need to live through someone by character. Shall we end with an affirmation of the week? Here we go, guys. Hard truth. Doing what's best for you isn't always going to feel good every time.

I like that. Yeah. I like that. So, yeah. is going to feel good every time yeah so yeah you know sometimes we need to make decisions like that person that wants to tell her kids about the dad doing wrong that's not the right thing sometimes yeah sometimes we need to do things that are right and they may not feel good at the time but in the long run it's yes way forward so yeah thank you guys guys let's see you next week share like follow love whatever keep it coming and yeah we will catch up next week have a great one