Not As We Planned - 37. Good Luck to the New Woman

Episode Date: March 28, 2024

We share your bad scenarios in your relationships which you found yourself in but still stayed! Normalising staying and it’s not always easy to leave. Witnessing Tash’s new glow and hearing from a now happy couple who took on our advice Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly, and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea, or a glass of wine, and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys, and welcome to another episode. Do you know what I've realised we never do? We're never like, hi, it's Tash, Carly, go on then, let's do it. Hi, I'm Tash, hi, it's Carly. Go on then, let's do it. Hi, I'm Tash. Hi, it's Carly.

No, I can't do that. It's just not me. Well, I don't know. Sometimes people might just go straight into episode 30 something. Are we doing a reintroduction of us? I don't know. Let me reintroduce myself. Maybe not.

I don't know. But my kind of thing, I'm more like, I don't want to say don't call me don't call me baby she's an absolute male taylor swift okay anyway welcome back to another episode let's do a little weekly cover i have to say one thing guys if you're watching this other than the pink yeah i literally look like a massive blancmange so you were glowing this week I'm happier and like I'm sure I'm not the only one if you're watching different do I am I fit done and high gorgeous I don't what is it in one day I looked actually quite gorgeous in my 20s look quite gorgeous yeah do you feel better

you're not better but you've I've I feel like so I know obviously I don't remember what was said and what's been listened to already before this is played but I'm one that I've listened to recently I was very upset and I was like I'm not doing the kind of counting the no contact anymore yeah that didn't last very long it's very evident to me for me personally I need real like set boundaries otherwise when it's kind of like either oh we're not going to not talk but you can if you need either the answer is oh no but I need like. Right. It's like either you talk or you don't talk. So it's two weeks today. Congrats.

I've never been out of luck. I know. So do you know what? I feel, look, I still miss him. He's still on my mind a lot. But I'm definitely getting the phone there in the right direction. And in the right direction. That's it.

You're feeling more. You can tell. Can you? Yeah. I'm 100. Normally I walk in and I'm like, good. And I'm scared. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. You can feel. It's different. I love that. I do feel better. Look, I'm so aware again. Yeah. Like, up and down.

But while I'm up, feeling the up. Can you hear? Yeah. Have I done anything fun this week? Have I done anything fun this week? again yeah like up and down but while i'm up for you to be out in your ear yeah have i done anything fun this week have i done anything fun this week what's my what have i done this week how was your mother's day oh yeah okay sometimes i forget like yeah we had a shared um mother's day look i can't complain like i had the kids um a friend of mine who's also a single mum came over in the morning with her son and the kids just played and we just like had a little catch up and then went out for like a late lunch with all my family um and yeah it was really nice like I got a card from their dad um last year he didn't get me one and I think I uh really made it clear that that wasn't cool and yeah he sent me one and

you know what was interesting was it was like a moon pig one and it wasn't actually one that the kid that the kids wrote I and I was a bit at first I thought of that I was a bit like oh like I want it from them but actually what he wrote in it was was actually really really sweet um so yeah like look it's it's one of those days isn't it like birthdays anniversaries like It is bittersweet. Like I had a good time with my kids and I can't complain with how my day went. But it is that sort of reminder of like, you know, I woke up and no one's doing anything for me.

They're still too young to do it themselves. Yeah, or even know that's a thing. But, you know, trying to put a positive twist on it because I'm obviously in my positive girl era today. I don't know how I'll be tomorrow. But one day I know I'm going to have someone that will make it special for me. So the only way is up.

The only way is up. I struggle with Mother's Day this year. Do you know what happened? I like forgot it was Mother's Day. Like I think in my head because I knew it wasn't my weekend with the kids obviously. I mean as well that weekend it was my niece's birthday and I tried to get it so that my kids could come to the party and just you know it just didn't go that way and the weekend yeah difficult stuff in terms of splitting who's weekend and stuff anyway I'm not gonna go too much into detail but I had deliberately made plans so that I was busy that weekend and I'd almost I'd forgotten about it so I went out

with the girls on Friday night I met my boyfriend after the night out and we stayed in a hotel in London and we made like a real morning of it like went out for breakfast and stuff it was really nice um and then he and then I saw him again on the Saturday night and then it wasn't until the Sunday I think I must have like gone online and I'd seen a mother's day but I was like oh god it's mother's day and I feel like we both felt my mood just go and I just like just lost my head like I just suddenly felt really sad it felt really quiet in my house like it's not this I knew I was seeing my kids later on but it's not the same as waking up with your kids like it's not um so I got myself a bit upset but then I was like the positive thing is like we've agreed agreed I can have the kids slightly earlier,

so it's fine, it is what it is. We were all going to my mum's for afternoon tea, and yeah, I got to pick up, and I was like, oh, is this everything? Just thinking there might be a card. I'm not asking for a present, I just feel like a card, take the kids out for a card like get a cough 29p and there was nothing and i i don't know i like got in the car strives to kick the back and i just burst out crying like it just really hit me um i felt so bad like you know those days where you can't control crying and like i hate crying in front of my kids but it's it's not like i don't

feel guilty for it anymore but then like i was crying i could not stop and then milo started crying oh like a really horrible cry you know like a really sad cry and i was like what's the matter darling he's like mommy so sad and i just felt even more guilty yeah yeah and then theo started crying so we're all in the car driving we're all crying i was like wow what is my life right but then i had to pull myself together yeah but then i literally like walked through my mom's door and just like burst out crying bless my mom i told her what had happened before she pulled theo straight into the study and they made me a card and they'd obviously got flowers from flowers she had and gave some to me and then my sister turned up and she'd bought

some flowers for me so it's sweet that I've got people like looking out for me and stuff I don't know for me it was just like regardless of what's happened between me and my ex one thing I know I'm good at is my role as a mother and I feel like I've made even more sacrifices this year like I do so much of the load with me it was just a kick in the teeth like not to have any recognition and it's not about it being from him for me it's bringing up my children to recognize and celebrate things like mothers like just because of what's happened with Mother's Day I'm still gonna get the kids to buy him a Father's Day card because I feel like that's the right thing to do you know what can I say something on that note and I'm no way sitting here defending him because my ex did exactly the same last year but I think a lot of these should I say men

are mothered by women and then when they're not with them they don't know right from wrong like i was that person that got cards or for his own parents do you know what i mean like they need that guidance from a woman i'm i'm not i'm not defending them all i'm saying is i'd like to think that he will use this as a lesson and realize what to do moving forward. I did exactly the same. I had three separate occasions where I did not get a card from my ex and he always got them. You'd think the first time he would have cottoned it on but he didn't. I don't think

I got him a birthday card last year but that was everything was very raw like we were still in, it was in a really bad time and something had happened that week and I don't think I did so perhaps that was wrong on me on reflection but I just couldn't allow it. I get that was wrong on me on reflection, but I just could allow. I get that. Look, at the end of the day, we've also got to have realistic expectations

and the people we're dealing with. And you guys still aren't in a good place. Again, I'm not defending him. It's not about you. It's about showing your children the right thing to do. Because it knocked me. I thought there's no way he wouldn't just get a card. And also, that week we'd had a conversation about being civil for the kids like I'm honestly at a

point where I'm not angry anymore like yeah like I wish things hadn't happened the way they had but I'm not angry anymore like I just want to move on there is no point like going around around in circles and we had a really like our first really positive handover on the friday like actually oh before mother's day yeah so on the fridays very pleasant like pleasant no bad words words exchange like the kid it was um book book day so the kids were like dressed up and had a bit of a joke with like the kids being dressed up and whatever. And it was the most pleasant changeover we'd done. So I think that maybe set your expectations. Yeah. Do you know what though?

Taking a positive from that, just seeing that glimpse of a positive handover, imagine what it could be like in a year. I hope so. I feel like, yeah. I think we also wanted to touch on like i think we both had some real like negative feedback on social media and i don't want to give it too much air time because it's not necessary but i just think anyone listening to this well they're probably

not listening to this because they wouldn't want to but it's just so sad when i feel like people don't allow other people to to validate how they're feeling like don't be wrong someone's always worse off than you like i could sit here and be upset on my degree i've been to 11 re 11 re have you heard that no it's like someone's always trying to one-up you on whatever you do. Right. If you've done this, well, this is worse for me. Like, I've done this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I think it's those people that are actually probably really miserable and bitter in their lives that they're, like, trying to put you down. Like, I have people... Also, I'm sorry, but I have people saying things like... Because I did a post and it was kind of like, I haven't got the, you know, the breakfast in bed, this, that and the other. All these things are very different as a single mom. But that's what I mean.

Like people message me being like, oh, well, I'm married and I didn't even get that. You're missing the point. Like, it wasn't about the breakfast in bed. And I hate it when people also say things like, I really get it. Like my husband works away three times a week. It's like, no, no, but you've always got someone to come back to you. Or even speak to. Yeah.

I don't know. I just, I found that that's a bit I actually found more frustrating on Mother's Day than anything else. Yeah. That knocks on me a bit as well. I shared kind of basically just about finding Mother's Day difficult this year. of basically just about finding Mother's Day difficult this year. Mm-hmm. And, like, someone was like,

it's so wrong of you to call yourself a single mum when your partner's involved. And I was like, well, what am I then? Like, basically, I was arguing with people about, like, what I've called myself. Like, do you consider yourself a single parent? Yes. Yeah. Apparently, we're not single parents.

Well, I'm whatever I fucking want to be. I just think it's so ridiculous like I'm not gonna lie I parent 80 to 85% of the time on my own and do 80 to 85%

of the load I'm a co-parenting mother like who even cares what the term is like it's absolutely

it really bothered me and I do you know what for so long I've not ever well I don't really get trolled unless I go looking for trolls yeah I so long i've not ever well i don't really get trolled unless i go looking for trolls yeah i'll be honest i don't because i don't care i think

because it was there on my page it was really bothering me and people like saying really awful things like oh you you feel sad about that like imagine um not seeing them at all like oh yeah or like stuff like that i'm like i'm not saying that's not all i said like your circumstances are absolutely awful that's not what i'm saying just because someone's situation is awful it doesn't mean i'm not allowed to feel the things i'm feeling like how dare you invalidate me anyway it got to the point where i started just deleting some comments because but i'm i had the tendency to just focus it wasn't even a lot of comments it was maybe five, six comments,

but I had hundreds of amazing ones. I'm really trying to flip it on its head, like the support. I think the thing that bothered me is a lot of the comments actually came from what I would classify as a single parent, as a group of single parents or a group of parents whose circumstances

aren't perhaps what we imagined they'd be. I just feel like we should be a community and support each other. I think that is the majority. Look at the people. We haven't had one person message us about a podcast and be like, what are you talking about? And they're not saying much. No, you're right.

Unfortunately, you've just got to feel sorry for them. And I feel like perhaps some people are just really bitter about their circumstances and they can't see that someone else might possibly struggle because they are stuck in that awful stage in theirs. And maybe one day they'll kind of like reflect and realize actually everyone's entitled to feel what they feel. You can't help it. Like I was sad and I felt sad and I know in myself those feelings were perfectly valid. Anyway, we don't want to give it too much airtime because we're not here to be negative today we need to hone in on tasha's glow and then glow glow glow should we other than that this week yeah sorry go on that like knocked me this week and i had a really

crappy start to the week and i've not been able to shift this mood coupled with milo's wake-ups in the hour of 5 a. morning. Yeah, we've only done the same. It must be the moon. It must be the moon. But it's like killed me. And I feel like the weather and just everything. I've been so negative this week. Like, the sun is shining.

Yeah, I've just been so grumpy and miserable and negative. Like, I've been in such a bad headspace. And today I've woken up and I feel so much more positive. Do you not want to put me in a good mood listening to our podcast today? Me too. Yeah. I'm feeling good today.

So yeah, it's a new week. I'm feeling more positive. Sorry for anyone watching. My finger's bleeding, so I'm just wrapping it in a bit. She really gets stuck in with an email. Yeah. Well, so we've got...

I thought we'd try a new segment i don't know whether we should start with that because it's quite funny so we thought we would talk about and the reason why i actually wanted to do this i don't want to highlight the fact that men or whoever it is have done wrong i want this to highlight more that you're not on your own if you stay. We want to do a segment pretty much called worst situations, worst scenarios where you still stayed. And I want that to highlight that like if you are currently in that situation, you're listening to this, and you know you should leave, you know that you're not in a good relationship, and you think that you're a really silly or bad person for staying,

it's really fucking normal to stay. Staying is easier. Be kind to yourself and you will get to that point, at some point, where you are ready to leave. But let's go through some situations where people found things out and still stayed. Are you ready? I'm ready.

Let's do this. He hid the fact that he had three children from me for two and a half years. He's an ex now, but I did stay with him for another two years after finding that out. Where does he hide? In the closet. What? Imagine being with someone for two and a half years and not knowing they had kids. No, that's wild.

Told me he wasn't sure if he believed in monogamy. We were married with two kids. Oh, my God. I found out my partner had kissed his... Another one. What, Connie? Connie! And another one.

On a night out, I was invited to... Wait, to kiss her? No, to the fucking thing. I was there, saw her flirt with him all night long. He didn't even try and push her away. And I still went home with him after because I loved him, but I was blind as fuck. Wait, they kissed when she was there, but she didn't see,

but they kissed on that night. She saw him flirting with him all night, and he didn't try and push her away. Respectful. I hate that. The thought of that makes me feel. Cheated on me in the home I bought us. Still stayed.

And then she did a clown emoji. Told me if I didn't have sex with him, then he'd be tempted to cheat again. Still stayed. Clown. By the way, these are all from the same woman. She's then said, said we could only go out if I paid as he had no money.

He was employed full time. Still stayed. Clown. Oh, babe. Lost thousands of our savings. Got in huge debt. Earns well,

but still he lied. I left three years later. Good girl. Found out he was texting and meeting up with another mum in my son's class at school. Poor. What is wrong with these people?

This, yeah, it's like what we said, like, I feel like when you're going through something like this, you're like, like, this is so crazy. It's scary how common it is isn't it okay what had a one-night stand and got someone pregnant found out two years after made him have

a relationship with his child at two years hold on so the person she was with he had a one-night stand got someone pregnant and he didn't find out he'd got her pregnant until after two years. Slept with me and another girl in the same week and I only found out because I got an infection. Oh. Oh. Shut up. Dutty man. I'm going to see the stuff some of us got.

Oh my god sorry I catfished him on Tinder When a mate saw him on there He was messaging me in bed not knowing So I think they were next to each other He was messaging her As a catfish That's cool though

I feel like he could turn around and be like Hi Hi My god Guys it's a long one but I feel like if it's long I thought you were that cool though. Fucking Kalia. Turn around and be like, hi, hi, in me. My God. Guys, it's a long one, but I feel like if it's long, it's good. If it's long, it's good. That's what, depends how I use it. We both worked with his ex-girlfriend for three years.

When me and him started dating, he basically told me a story of how she became controlling and it became toxic, so he left her. But she was still trying to control him and be part of his life because their families were close. So he would speak to her for the sake of his family. I mean, that's the biggest red flag. I know, I'd be like, it's over now, tell your family to get over it. We need to stay in contact because I love her mum.

Mummy. I told him it was fine for them to be friends, you're very nice. But to be frank with her and set clear boundaries. Every time we would meet up or be out together, in the car, on a date, at his house, she would ring him at least four or five times. He would be very quick to try and decline the calls and I would always say to him, why don't you answer?

A few months down the line when he was in the shower, I found some flirty messages on his phone with her. We spoke about it and he said he had felt like she was controlling him and that if he didn't respond in that way, she would try and split us up. I stayed and then a few months later, we were supposed to be going out for dinner with his family. He basically went AWOL.

Phone went straight to voicemail. He wasn't responding to messages, etc. When he finally replied the next day... So what, he just disappeared? So she didn't, did she go out with her family? I was obviously fuming. He apologised and said his terminally ill nan had been taken into hospital and had been given hours to live.

What? Who is the nans? Poor nan. Oh, nana. Oh, nana. Nana. What's that from? Nana. I have no idea. It Nana. Nana. What's that from? Nana.

I have no idea. It's from something. It's from like an... Oh, it's probably... It's probably from that bloody guy who had his Nana walking on him when he was nudging that girl out. She had hours to live, so he had been by her bedside, and of course I forgave him and felt awful for being mad.

But then, when I went round his house the next day whilst he was cooking me dinner, I found dirty lingerie under his pillows. Fuck off, it's Nana's. That's such a rookie error. Why is she taking it home with her? No, she did it on purpose. More his rookie error.

I decided to pretend I hadn't seen it and acted like everything was normal around his parents and we were all talking around the dinner table and I asked how his nan was doing. Brilliant. Oh, I'm loving this already. Long story short, it got very awkward and he tried to speak over me and stop me from saying things.

His sister then said, yeah, just message me. she said she left something of hers in your room when she came over for dinner the other night oh my god turns out what a bitch of the sister i feel like that seems quite yeah but maybe she's giving her a heads up i don't know turns out his nun was never admitted to hospital i find it so grim when people lie about people's health. It's a real lie. Yeah, like, no, that gives me anxiety. Like, yeah.

That's, like, that, in terms of someone's morals, makes me feel ill. I agree. That's like a bad card. I'd be worried. Like, drinks it. His dad's going to have to. Yeah. I 100 believe that.

Poor Nana. He was sleeping with his ex and two-timing us both. And all my work colleagues and friends. And clearly his family knew about it. I stayed through all the red flags and kept believing his lies. I think it's so easy to get caught up in it when you're in it. Jesus. Sorry?

Okay, he left me in a hotel room, six months pregnant, to go to a brothel on a holiday that I paid for. What is wrong with these people? Wait. Oh, another one. What? Danny is by the same person. Stayed and put my savings into a house for us when we got back. Idiot. Finally, yeah. So she stayed, she put her savings into a house for us when we got back idiot finally yeah so she

stayed she put her savings into a house from this guy who left her at six was pregnant to go to a brothel and all day she paid for um do you know what i'd never um i'd never want to go to a brothel to actively do anything but i'd love to see what it's like inside. Just to what? Possibly very, don't make people... I know, but how fun... I like people-watching. How fun are people-watching a brothel?

I've had people-watching at a sex party. Yeah, same thing, really, isn't it? No, no, no. What's a brothel? A brothel's like prostitutes. You're paying for them. Oh, okay. So the party's like...

I met them scented. I met a sex partner. Yeah, he was paying for the okay so my party's like i met them scented i met the sex hog yeah it wasn't he was paying for the set okay cool do you think majority of men have had a prostitute i'm not equipped to answer but it's probably more than i'd like to think yeah how great and then i feel like a lot of them do it on statues and stuff like yeah i am like how great why just get it for free, you know? Anyway, back to this. Corby.

I'm awfully tempted about brothels. A girl sending her address to my now ex to meet for sex whilst I was on holiday and pregnant. Changed his pin on his phone, red flag, then found sexting

flirting messages to a 55 year old woman another one at work still got it okay let's do one more slept with his ex after a night out six weeks after we got married i stayed another six years oh good lord six weeks after you're married like what the fuck no i'm sorry i'm sorry to go around i genuinely think to some people marriage means f all and it really terrifies me because i am so old school with marriage like marriage for me is a commitment to someone for forever like that is a commitment and it's six weeks like that's so disrespectful it's disgusting shocking sorry

things like that make me young so let's go into emails as always we want to thank you because without the emails like we wouldn't we wouldn't be doing these episodes listen to us talking about brothels stuff that we shouldn't be sharing um right we've got so many here. I don't know what one to go. Should we do a date confession? Yeah. Yeah? Hi, lovely ladies. Please keep me in on. No problem, Anne.

No, I'm joking. It's not her name. I met this guy one time in Asda, of all places. I love that, though. Not make a pic, someone. No, but do you know what? Like, sometimes when I'm going out, I'm like,

got to put your makeup on and do your hair. Could be the love of your life walking down the road. Could be. I just feel like in 2024, people don't really meet. You just never know. Asda, hun. Although it is a date confession,

it might go wrong. Anyway. I looked scruffy mum bun style, rock tip pre-parenting. No makeup, looked awful. Anyway, he followed me home. That's weird. I live... You too?

He followed me home. I live round the corner. Got my number and took me on a date to Hakkasan in Mayfair. Good. Best. Yeah. Brief lad. Yeah.

He used his friend's car, thought I was going to die on the drive there and after he took me home we had some fun in the car this wasn't like me but i felt pressured to anyway after that he was very persistent and kept saying he wanted to come over chill watch a movie all this stuff and i said no i was busy and just the way he became very aggressive on the phone over messages it scared me so i just shut it down, said no. But he was like, I just want to come. I know where you live. Sorry, is this fucking like Jeffrey Dahmer?

So for a few weeks, I'd be at home with the lights off, the curtains closed, and in the dark to make it out I wasn't at home. I was generally so scared for my life after I blocked him and never heard from him again. Here's the lesson for everyone. Don't give your home address until you're like, followed her home. But I thought maybe she meant like they walked together.

And that should have been red flags. If someone said, follow me home, I wouldn't go home. No, I wouldn't go home. I'd go somewhere public or i'd be like yes mom i'm coming over yeah yeah like that or scary isn't it so this is a follow-up so it says hello carly and tash hello who's this i have a part two for you and it's a happy one yay although i felt a few emotions coming up right now. I still listen to your podcast and love it. I find you both so funny.

Guys. And honest. And I find that it keeps me in check, if that makes sense. Bye. My original email is below and you shared it on your third episode. How I could see it like that in a recap. I love that she's... Yeah, that's really helpful. So, it was,

my husband said he wanted to separate about a week and a half ago, complete shock and out of the blue. We have a newborn seven week old baby and a four year old. I would love to hear on the podcast any advice on navigating the early days and emotions with your children

and also how you told your children how you hoped. It would be helpful if there's anything on remaining friends and living together while co-parenting. Whilst we're living together and co-parenting there isn't much change for our four-year-old we aren't planning on telling him i remember that older yeah so um oh my god did she stay or did like did they break up i can't know i wanna know so at the time i guess i was in the grips of grief and also postnatal motherhood that I don't know

where I was at your podcast and accounts literally got me through along with my amazing family and friends I focused on my two boys and had a lovely summer with them and my family and tried to enjoy my maternity leave as best as I could although cried most days I even went away for three nights to Spain and had some time away which was lovely but I just kept thinking I'm only here because I'm separated. Living together got to a really hard place for me as we would get on so well I just hated the fact that he changed and he didn't want me and fell for someone else. I didn't even recognize him at times but one thing he did do was put the boys first. He stopped contact with the other person whilst living in the house and reassured me that the boys were his priority but I really couldn't understand how he could have developed feelings

for someone else when we were married. He was really beating himself up for it and generally felt like it was because we were friends and he said he loved me but how could he when he had feelings for someone else and our relationship had just got boring I guess and we had lost each other which was true on reflection. This is getting waffly, but your podcast and manifesting made me really focus on me. I got myself a new job. I did write my husband letters to let him know how I felt and why we got together. And that at the end of the day, things change when you have kids.

But we can still find ourselves together again. And that we both focus on everyone else and forgot about ourselves as a couple. Which I agree is a really easy thing today. If we got free time, we would go see friends, etc. I then said I was leaving it. He knew how I felt, but I couldn't keep going over it. At some point in September, so after about five or so months, it was like I've got my old friend back and our relationship gradually seemed to change.

We had some really hard conversations, lots of tears from both of us and agreed we would see what happens and take it slowly. We are now in a really happy place. We laugh loads. We want to do things to make each other feel special. We did the love language thing. I love that. So we both know what each other need. We talk, but truly talk and appreciate and understand. One of the things I learned from your podcast was to be heard. What is this? I have a goose bump. Sorry.

One of the things I learned from your podcast was to be heard. I feel both of us stopped doing that, and now we focus on that. We still have arguments and disagreements usually when life is busy and chaotic with the kids, but talk about it. And one of us usually brings it back round to hear the other one who is struggling in that moment that is such a crucial bit it's like sometimes like you need someone to pick up like the 80 percent when you can only give 20 you know what to me as well it's sometimes like when you really when you're having an argument and you're both like really in conflict it's not until you take a step back and you realize I'm not listening to you

you're not listening to me you're just shouting at each other trying so desperately to get your point across without hearing the other one and you know what's really nice I feel like a lot of the time like and we've had I think it was a guy emailed in a few weeks ago and sort of said you know sometimes when we talk and we make out that we like we're setting really high expectations and like men should do this and men should do that but it's just really really nice to kind of hear that like yes our podcast sometimes may make someone realize they're not in a good place and they leave a relationship but to know that also it's managed to repair one and it's my life yeah i agree with like the conflicts thing it's like it is being able to take that like that's one thing i found really different being in a relationship

now is my conflict and my old relationship was awful it never got repaired it never got dealt with in the right way and this is still very new for me so when something happens I I go into fight or flight mode on a learning like as well like people always gonna like react in moments or not necessarily make the right choice all the time but it's this communication and how you listen and hear each other and think look do you know what actually what i said in that moment was wrong or whatever and i just feel like this is massive yeah it's like what you're saying like the fact who are we it's like we helping people repair relationship call us counselling anyway um we definitely aren't just friends and intimacy

came back and that is something we ensure we make time for as tired as life is working full-time and two little kids we've been away for a spa weekend been on date nights and since everything we went through our family very much want to babysit now as we were all devastated he tells me he loves me without me having to prompt like i used to he tells me i'm the most amazing person he knows and I know he really means it. Sorry. Why am I so emotional? Why am I laughing? For me though, I'm coming up to the one year mark

on the awesome dates when he told me things that really hurt me. I get this. And I have trauma from them. I have been open with him that in these next few weeks slash months there's going to be days that I struggle with as I remember the day from last year and that I may need to talk about it and have a big hug I totally understand where you're coming from with that and um it's something I spoke to my boyfriend about as I was

like approaching the year mark and he was like do you know what Kylie it it only feels like a year mark which is just 365 days like who like what difference does it make if it was like 200 days or it's only because the collection of days is called a year and I was really trying to like how it was like it's just a collection of days like you didn't care after 261 days and I get that but it does like you are valid for feeling like that. I don't want to ignore it. I never thought I would be that strong person who could do this. And I said I would never do it just for the kids, but I know it's for me. And I know he loves me.

And we are now definitely 100% happier than we were a year or two ago. Keep sharing as one thing I found was the loneliness and thinking it was just me. Still so many people don't know what I went through. And as soon as I hear a friend tell me they know someone going through something similar, especially with young children, I tell them about your podcast. I tell them I have books they can borrow.

I found some books really helpful and I also say I'm happy to talk to people. Oh, I love that. Thank you so much for giving that update. I think it is so nice to, it does show that with the right remorse and you know two people two people both wanting to work on it yeah both being open to grow and listen and learn together and that's what they've done I think that's I love that so nice thank you so much I feel like we

we do share a lot of like negative not negative but but like doom and gloom. And it's so nice to see like the other side of things. Yeah, definitely. Okay, so this one is called, I can't believe she did that. Okay, guys, listen up. It's a woman here. Hi, ladies. After some help, we've just found out that my sister-in-law has cheated on her husband and they're separating.

My husband and I are really sad for them all. They seem like a really happy family we love our brother-in-law it's either got to be her husband's brother and she's just termed it we love our brother-in-law it must be it's got that it's got to be the yeah it's not her brother why she was saying my brother so she's saying brother-in-law so i would imagine it's her husband's brother his His wife has had an affair. Right. That's all you need to know. He's moved out to a few towns away and my sister-in-law is still at home with the kids. I'm wondering how I can help her. She's quite rightly really

devastated by her own actions and seems to have really withdrawn from the family. I would have classed us as very close before this but now she won't speak to me as she may be embarrassed. What can I say to help her know that I'm there for her without seeming intrusive? Let's pause. I think she is embarrassed. I think that's exactly why she's withdrawing. I think she probably thinks.

Or she thinks that you're just being nosy and what I'm like, because I would have that guilt. I'd be horrified. I would have that guilt. Like, she obviously only wants to speak to me because she's either, like, going to have a go at me or ask questions or do you know what I mean? Yeah, but you feel like that they wouldn't genuinely care.

Yeah, like... I realise this is totally a different situation from how you both separated, as she is the one that's done the cheating. Our kids are so close to their uncle too and I'm wondering if it's right for me, us, to keep in touch with him or should we stay away whilst they sort out what their new life looks like our kids are 10 and 14 so I know something

is going on and they keep asking questions I don't want to lie to them but also I don't want to tell them the truth about their aunt all advice welcome love the podcast being a lifeline for a friend of mine navigating a breakup I've got to honest, I'm still slightly confused with who's who. So, right. Forward. Sorry, I someone draw a family tree for us. So you've got the couple

who's writing in, the woman who's writing in. You've got her and her husband. They've got two kids. Her sister-in-law. I know that it's her sister-in-law that's done the treating but I'm just a bit confused why she's cringing and whether she should speak

to the husband. Well, he must be the brother. He has to be the brother of the husband or something. Anyway, yeah, she should still speak to him. He's done nothing wrong. I'm going to be honest.

Like, I guess what you're saying is that you kind of want to still have a relationship with her although she's the one in the wrong for like, so the kids and you were close with her. I mean mean I guess that's good of you because I'd be like suck off hun yeah what I would do is rather than focusing on her like let her come to

you when she's ready because at the end of the day if you've reached out and she's ignoring you I wouldn't go begging like let her deal with her stuff she's got going on I don't think you should not have a relationship with her husband, ex-husband, whatever, if you want to call him, the uncle. He's still very much the uncle. Can I just say, surely if the kids are close, see the kids when they're with their dad? I wouldn't bother with her.

She's the one that's done wrong. You're trying to reach out. She's ignoring you. I think in regards to telling the children that they're older i would maybe just i wouldn't go into detail with that i just say that you know it was some time apart at the moment that would they're happy they're happy and living apart so when we see the kids it would be with their daddy like it doesn't need to go into detail just very surface level like they're just having some time apart you know I don't think it needs to be anything more than that but yeah I wouldn't not have a relationship

with him I don't I believe in trying to maintain relationships within families regardless of whether there's been like a separation um you know it's not always the case that it works out that way but um yeah I just want to share this because i think it's really funny someone has sent us a screenshot on the podcast and she has she has screenshotted a text message from dpd and sent it to her partner and she circled obviously the time that this delivery is coming but she's also got at the top showing that she's in the middle of listening to an episode and it's the episode saying um apparently i give better blowjobs and her partner's reply going what the fuck are you listening to and he's put a shocked face i just thought that was funny i wanted to share it i mean love that this one's called Cheating with a Work colleague

Another one Hi Kylie and Tash Thought I would share My story with you My now ex-husband Had an affair with his Work colleague Who was also married

Cushiers Slapper Office Office slapper I just don't want it today Anyway I knew something Was wrong Of course she is. Slapper. It's just office slapper. I just don't want it today. Anyway, I knew something was wrong as his behaviour started to change. He was constantly on his phone and when I would mention it,

he would go into defensive mode. Saying it was work because he was a manager and was sorting things out for his colleagues. Then he started going to work, even on his days off, as there was an apparent stall visit or work to bury late. This man's pissing me off. Really tricking me. Is that? Uh, right.

Do you want me to read it? No. You need to do this. You've got this. Get this. One night, I took the phone from under his pillow. Sorry. True, gone.

Fucking true. Like, can we just, I love how we like normalise doing things like this. I'm just going to take his phone from under his pillow. I'm like, hold on, mate. Let me go to bed. Thank you, baby. When do you get? I literally will.

So one night I took the phone from under his pillow and found tons of messages from his work colleague. Yay! They'd been going out for a couple of months on his days off and when he would finish late. I was completely heartbroken. They were writing to each other how much they loved each other and how they could not wait to be together.

We had a two and a half year old at the time and I felt like how could you do this to our family? I actually started to see he had not just become distant with me but with our son also. Oh what prick. When confronted he told me he wasn't going to tell me the truth but rather

asked for a break from a relationship. Sorry, I don't understand break. We want a break. If I was on a break with someone and my partner slept with someone on a break, I wouldn't want to go near him. A break is another word for can I have a time out? Can I just have a time out? I'm going to go and quickly fuck this girl down the road and then I'll be back for...

Well, it's just doing what you want to do without it classified being... In other words, can I have my... Can I have my cake and eat it? Yeah. Fuck off. Fuck's sake. Don't have a break. So you don't have a break from someone you love.

Go have a fucking Kit Kat. Don't be... Oh, God, this winds me up. Right. So he thought he would test the waters and if it didn't work he would just come back sorry sorry sorry babe he's he's asked for a break so you can quickly go and test the down the road and if she's not a good ride he'll come back to the old bike

is he's fucking joking what a fucking let me just go see if that grass is green. If it's not quite green enough... Can you wait? Can you just wait? Yeah. And I just... Are you okay? Are you okay?

Because I'm not okay right now. The cheek of it. A couple of weeks down the line, I told him I was coming to his workplace to see him. And he said, I've left already, so don't bother. But I still went and asked for him. He hadn't been there the whole day I put two and two together and realized he had booked off holiday

that week and found out later that they had gone to Bournemouth from her ex-husband which was our wedding anniversary week which is why he had initially taken it off I think one of his work colleagues contacted him and said why is your wife coming down here when you're on holiday? He thought I had said something about the affair, which I never, because I'm not stupid, he pays for the mortgage on the house, I don't want him to lose his job. However, I got a message calling me a bitch.

What did you say to my work colleagues? And then he told me, you think it's been weeks since I haven't loved you. It's been months, if not years. Oh, he sounds like a right fucking keeper, doesn't he? Good luck to the new woman. I'll tell you, girls, these words will never leave my memory until the day I drop in my coffin. Heartbroken could not even justify the pain I felt when he said that to me, on top of everything else. There's a lot more to the story, but I won't

bore you with. The lesson is that you never really really know someone even if they live in the same house as you because you have a pure heart doesn't mean that they have a pure heart for you I was so blindsided I thought we were happy together how wrong could I have been they are now together and she left her husband as well and have a baby together unfortunately I've not found love yet but hope to in the future you absolutely will can I just say just listening to that whole story I really hope by I'm sorry if we've been a bit insensitive how we've read it but listening to our reaction to the type of person that he sounds like I feel sorry for the new woman because if like if he's able to do that to the mother of his children,

good luck to anyone else, you will find better. You absolutely will. If that's something that you want, then you will. Yeah. And also, I'm not sure the time span of this, how long ago it happened, but without getting too personal, I relate to a lot of your story, but I feel like if I can meet someone, like anyone can,

like I'm not a special person, like, do you know what I mean? Like I'm not special. It just, those were my set of circumstances. And trust me, when you do find your next person, you're going to look back at him and think, what on earth was I doing for X amount of years? Like, what was I tolerating? You're going to feel like

this is what love is meant to feel like. This is what a healthy, positive relationship is meant to feel like. And actually, I can guarantee you this, that you are going to feel so happy one day. And one day you're going to look back and actually be grateful that this has happened to you. And I know that sounds insane, but that is where I am sitting in this seat now like I am looking back a year ago and my life was very very different but I'm genuinely grateful for everything I've gone through because it's got me to where I am today it's got me into like the strongest place I've been like in myself like mentally knowing what I deserve knowing my worth and yeah just please please have faith. He's not won. He's not the winner of this game.

He's not got what he wanted and got this new kid with this new woman. Karma has a way of coming round. You're going to be getting, your life is going to be far happier. And that's the end of the chapter. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Okay, confession of the week. Are we ready? Confession. confession my husband now ex-husband was still living in the house and had a girlfriend i didn't know he had a girlfriend he had an affair anyway he was ordering her birthday presents we delivered to our house that i was accepting so i started posting them back with a return sender on them not known as this address yeah good for you hun let's just that's just really insensitive let's do one more just been asked for a threesome on a dating site what the fuck do you go what happened okay let's end this episode with a positive affirmation.

Eventually, things get better. I agree. I love that. Things won't... I've said this to someone in my inbox this morning, who's literally... Her husband walked out on Mother's Day. They love to pick dates, don't they i know yeah she messaged me and she

she was asking for some advice and i said to her it's gonna be hurting so much right now but i said please take comfort knowing it's not always going to hurt this much every every so often that pain is going to alleviate a bit by bit by bit and things will start to feel better so yeah but guys thank you so much as always um keep sending in your email like share subscribe and leave some positive feedback where are you guys at we know you're listening we know you love us so you can go and help us out do it do it like two minutes of your time and it means so much to us and we just love that yeah we're still getting to do this like it's one of my favorite days like yes it is it's just so nice therapeutic and we love our little community that we've got and without the shitty situations

that we were once in we wouldn't have this so thank you if you're listening whoever put us in these situations shout out to my ex you're really quite the man okay anyway love you guys bye