Not As We Planned - 4. Red Flags

Episode Date: July 27, 2023

Talking about those red flags in relationships that we might be aware of but choose to ignore, or just find it hard to notice when we are living with them. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your

business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash aventurabusiness. Terms and conditions apply. Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly and you're listening to Motherhood Not As We Planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Motherhood Not As We Planned. So today we wanted to talk about red flags.

Red flags. What are those red flags that you should be looking out for or have been aware of? And ignoring. And ignored. And sometimes we do because when we're in something we don't see the big red flag I'm picturing now like a referee in the background in my whole marriage poking down out the window um so yeah I think that this is a subject that we wanted to touch on because with all the messages that we've been getting not just with the emails on our page but generally our personal ones it's kind of like this happened is this something to be worried about and when you're reading it and looking at someone's situation from the outside i'm a bit like are you mad like of course it's a red flag but then i think when i was in it you don't see sometimes you just don't see it. I think you're so like... Colour blind.

You're so... Those rose tinted glasses are on. Or you're just like, oh, do you know what? It's just a one off. Or as well where you are like a family or you're with someone and you don't believe someone you're with could do, like would do anything like that. You just are a bit, I don't know't know yeah you're just oblivious to it

a bit ignorant i think it also it's for better or worse isn't it sometimes you think okay so no one's perfect let's keep brushing it into the carpet usually just my carpet always so full and you just think that you know you've got to take the bad yeah the bad with the good yeah so yeah so we wanted to touch on that i think that should we go through first some of the ones that bring up some of the red flags so we asked a question box on my instagram um it was really interesting actually because obviously some things that like spring to my mind as red flags um you know there's just lots of different things and some people's are insane

like i think reading some of them some of them must definitely be from like past relationships i really hope you're not accepting all these red flags i haven't read any of these yet yeah they're pretty intense okay so sorry Doesn't that have a phone number? That is a straight up abort. Sorry. Get the hell out of there. How does anyone function in life without a phone number? My 99-year-old grandma has a phone number.

Like, what? Okay, yeah, I hope that you're not with that person. Has rules on why you can't stay over even though you're both adult. That's a massive red flag. That's not normal. No, really, really not normal. Oh, won't introduce you to the family. That's a red flag.

Yeah, that's a massive red flag. I mean, don't get me wrong, early stages. And you've got to do it at your own pace and whatever, but... So I think it's dependent on how long you've been together. Yeah, or kind of like where your relationship's going. So, like, if you're in love in love and i don't say the word anymore um yeah i i think that's a massive red flag yeah same how are you gonna have longevity in your relationship put it this way this person that i was seeing, he never met my family. Because you knew there was no...

Because there was no longevity in the relationship. I feel really awkward because I met his. Did you? Sorry if you're listening. XOXO. Gossip girl. Okay. Never answers his phone.

Batteries died. Yeah. If that's constant, that's weird. I had that quite a okay. Never answers his phone. Batteries died. Yeah. If that's constant, that's weird. I had that quite a lot. Did you? Yeah. It's not that hard to get a charger in the car. Yeah, out and like, really sorry, batteries died.

Charged back on at like 3am on my way home. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. That's a red flag. Massive red flag. Phone attached to their hip and places face down when you're around. So we were saying, we were saying this.

I think that when it comes to red flags, there is one particular red flag. I think that if this is happening in your relationship, there is a serious problem and you need to address it and something big is going on there's a reason that phone is being placed face down i'm sorry do you know what it's not just the face down it's the change of pin yeah so if you can't get into their phone there's something to hide 100 so i saw this thing on um another podcast and they said that if you ever want to find out if your partner is cheating you take their phone and you see how they react if they like act calmly and oh what are you doing. Then you know that they've got nothing to hide. Now, I had an experience where I took my ex's phone and I'm not going to go into too much detail because I don't want to rug the boat.

Rug the boat. But he was in the shower, so I thought it was prime opportunity to look at his phone. But then I realised his phone was in the bathroom with him and the door was locked. Did you throw it on the floor? The door's never locked, okay? That was never locked.

Red flag. Red flag if you locked the door. Don't do a poo on your own. So I got a coin i'm opening the door from the outside i wish i thought this through better because otherwise i would have got better results anyway i then opened the door really quickly he's like what are you doing i said why is the door locked he's like because i'm showering i was like you have a lot better you're my husband why you're knocking the door i'm just shouting you're willy before and then i picked up his phone on the

side i was like is this why you're you blocked the door and then i kid you not his face like you could see in his face that he was like fuck and i ran and i kid you not with the phone. I'd never seen anyone get out the shower so fast dripping wet. Didn't even grab a towel. Just imagine. Blimey. He wished. And I just

was like fuck. When I took this phone I wasn't expecting to be on a chase i felt like i was in like a scream film i'm so annoyed that i didn't run out into the house because yeah i followed me because he didn't have a towel and i instead i ran the other way like panicked and ran to the bedroom and he literally plowed it out of my hand and i remember looking at him and being like are you are you joking and he was like it's out of principle no like sorry can you get out like how happy you didn't know like so biggest red flag is that phone i think it's really sad that obviously like in the society that we're in now and like with social media and there's just such easy access

for people to talk to other people, it is a lot easier to cheat or have a relationship or do things, not even cheating, but just you can do and access anything on your phone and you could be doing it when you're in the same house in the same bed at the same like it's it is scary it's i think someone said it like if their phone is glued to them if they're too scared to leave their phone on the side or anything like that that's a red flag well yeah at the end of the day if you've got nothing to hide then your phone can be out and accessible and whatever.

So it's that pin change. It's that, I mean, I did have situations where my ex pretty much slept with his phone. Like maybe I cuddle it now. Instead of me, I cuddled his phone. He would fall asleep quite a lot on the sofa. And sometimes I think in my head, like I'd really like to check his phone until i realized it was literally like in him like like like underneath him that's that's weird yeah i mean the thing is like it it's sort of sad when i talk about all these red flags knowing they were all in my relationship but you couldn't see them i could just i could i did i think you just got to get to that

point where you're strong where you feel strong enough already to like really make a change like because i still didn't look i didn't i got the phone but i never saw the phone so it's like without that solid proof like you had it so it's scary to be like do you know what i'm done with this because you won't let me see your phone like don't get me wrong when you talk about the stories and what the red flags are it does make you realize like what sort of relationship is this but it's still just i was waiting for that moment to be strong enough to be like i'm just done i've seen the evidence yeah you never had that yeah let's see what some others are um

love bombing super dangerous like yes like this is obviously more i would say in like a new relationship i wouldn't say that i experienced this with my ex but wait so love bombing I think it's quite like a narcissistic trait so when you meet someone and you start talking and they are literally like love bombing you so they are literally funny like straight away like after a week they're in love with you they make you feel so amazing that it's almost like that's what narcissists do they love bomb you they give you all these like words of affirmation make you feel unbelievable make you feel like they've never felt this way about anyone before and then all of a sudden you're like, oh my God, wow. And then they just change. So like, I actually think it's a red flag if someone says that they love you really early.

Don't get me wrong. I know sometimes you may meet someone, you're like, oh my God, like you get that feeling. You're like, oh my God, I think this person may be the one. I think there's something quite special about keeping it to yourself. So you don't say it too early because at the end of the day you can't really love someone after a week

you might be like oh my god they're amazing I'm a bit obsessed with this person but I'm going to keep it to myself so I don't seem like a psycho if you say I love you really early on if you hear it from a guy I think it's a red flag so yeah love bombing

is definitely so watch out for those love bombers on those on those dating app i'll write that one down yeah make sure you take it take a note again being love bombed right at the beginning of the relationship guys that's a common thing yep um my ex didn't like me wearing ripped jeans with bright colors i was told i was wearing them for attention that's meant to be just in black in morning order sorry i'm yours now i think that generally a man telling you anything in regards to what to wear i think is a bit of a red flag i also think actually on this in terms of like what to do like for example if you're with someone who says like

for example i've always wanted a little bit of botox yeah if someone says no like you can't get botox you can't do this that's also a red flag i think one thing i've learned is if you want to do something for yourself do it for yourself do not worry about what anyone else thinks. I hope you put your Botox in. I had, but then I panicked because it was too near to my sister's wedding and I thought, because everyone I know doesn't really like it the first time

and I thought, did you? Yeah. I didn't want to be walking down the aisle when I first see my sister's bridesmaid. Everyone's already going to be talking about me because it's that divorce sister. Walking down the aisle, it's the first time I'm going to be bridesmaid. Everyone's already going to be talking about me because it's that divorce sister. Walking down the aisle, it's always loud. It's the first time I'm going to be seeing a load of people.

I thought the last thing I need them to be like, what's she done to her face? I just thought, I'm going to get it done after the wedding. It is something I'm booking in to do. 100%, I don't care. It's funny, I wasn't allowed lip filler. And it's the first thing I did when I chucked him out. And they look natural.

I don't think anyone would know. Exactly. I think people think like lip filler, they think like TOWIE, like big lips, fake. But like you can't do things like that. At the end of the day, if it makes you feel better in your own skin. And that's one thing like I will say is as well. When you've gone through something, I have felt so crap about the way I look about. Because obviously you doubt yourself.

You think, well, I'm not good enough. Like they've tried to find someone obviously more attractive, someone they fancy more. So it knocks you. So for me, one of the big things was like feeling good again. This probably stems onto another topic. But like since I've gone for everything I've gone for I have lost a lot of weight and I know some people be like this is amazing like breakup diets but for me I it's happened really quickly um jealous I'm joking

it happened really quickly obviously a lot of my business orientates around being healthy. And for me, I've been more stressed over how that's impacted it. So for me, I'd be looking in the mirror and thinking, what is happening to my body? I've liked having a bum and stuff. And I feel like it's all disappearing. And yeah, I've had a few comments from people and it just knocks you so much but one thing like the last few weeks I would say is I'm starting to I don't know do things that make me feel good I'm paying better attention to my skincare and like spending time like I've got an

appointment this afternoon to have my hair extensions back in and hair colored and it's stuff that makes you feel good in your skin and gets you feeling good again because it is really hard to get that confidence back. Yeah, so if you're with someone

that wants to control how you look, what you wear, that, that's a red flag. Yeah, that is a big no-no. Wear what you want, girl.

Yeah. What? I mean, this isn't a red flag. This is just a waste of money. A guy who admitted that he throws away every plate he uses, bins it, and then re-buys another one. It just keeps me

excited. What? What? Can you give me your plate? I could do with some new plates. That's so weird. I mean, like, when you're like Justin Bieber and he wears, like, a different pair of underwear every day because he's a multi-billionaire why are you throwing away plates it's getting like remortgaged the house or buy some paper plates if you want to that's weird yeah that's very weird not allowing me to meet his friends red flag yeah that's weird i think

it's weird when they don't have any friends. Yes. Red flag. That is a red flag. Socially, they don't want you to meet their friends. That's weird. Then that means that their friends obviously... It would make me feel like he acts in a different way with his friends and maybe he's not being real with you. They'd have things to say that would put you off. Yeah. Also, my thing... Maybe he's not being real with you like they'd have things to say that

would put you off yeah also my maybe he's married was that yeah my feelings was that is almost is he ashamed of me i really like the interesting thing isn't it i'd think straight away he's lying about something about him and you're thinking he doesn't want yeah i mean i could see it from both both sides to be honest either way if you're with someone that doesn't want yeah i mean i can see it from both both sides to be honest either way if you're with someone that doesn't want to invite you into his family or friends then there's no future no it's not there's no longevity do you know what i think it is i think it's so easy for us to sit here and say if this is in your relationship you gotta go because i didn't do it for a really long time but i think at the at the same time like sometimes we are our own worst enemy

because we are the only ones that can really determine our happiness yeah and the longer you stay with someone when deep down you know there's no future yeah you're just so then it is always terrifying terrifying i don't know the thought of newness the thought of leaving especially if you've got if there's kids involved it's terrifying to think that's almost why i'm kind of grateful my situation came about the way it did because for me it was easier to leave unlike you who it obviously was a very long time of trying to make this big decision. So it is, that's it. If you're experiencing these red flags and it's not as simple as being like, oh, he's

shown these. Yeah. That's it. The thing is, I know that we've both discussed about the fact that we have no regrets because, you know, things planned out the way that they did and we had our kids. But the only thing that you will never get back if you keep staying with someone without a future is time yeah like time doesn't time doesn't care about whether you're not ready or not like as the years goes on like time goes on you're just wasting valuable time where you can be happy either on your own or with someone else for me it's the happiness i think

when i reached a point of thinking i saw i think it was like on it was some real and it said something like would you rather waste time being comfortable not even comfortable even some people a bit uncomfortable or would you prefer your time to be spent being happy? And for me, with all the stuff that's going on in my life at the moment, you get one life and it is so precious. And if you're not living that life, being happy, you know, putting yourself first, prioritising your happiness. Because again, when you're a mum, if you're happy, your kids are generally going to be happy.

Yeah, happy mum, happy baby. Yeah. And if you're not prioritising yourself, is it's a waste it's a waste of time you know one life you've got to live it and you've got to be happy that's the thing i won't ever compromise on that again i will always put myself first what would you say is your biggest red flag for me it's gaslighting i think for me and we've spoken about this before communication in a relationship is key so if things come up that are important to you and you're articulating how you feel to your partner and they're not validating that or trying to work with you to make you feel

better or try and rectify it or say you know like we're a team let's work it together so you don't feel like that that is a red flag. Yeah. Because it takes two people to make a relationship work. You can't just get married or even not married. You can't just be with someone and then exist and live happily ever after. Relationships take work. But the underlying thing of that for me,

and I think you'll probably agree, is the communication. Which I lacked. Yeah. Those are my red flags. What about you? I mean, yeah, gaslighting was a massive, played a massive part in our relationship. Can I just say, on gaslighting, I will say, it is a red flag because that person knows they are in the wrong. And they are trying to turn the blame on you.

And it's not a reflection on you as a person that's just i think it's like a human in well no it's it's not an effect like that's the whole point it's meant to make you feel like you're in the wrong and i think for those that don't really understand what gaslighting is hopefully you've not experienced it and therefore you're quite oblivious to it it's exactly that it's you're actually ending up being made to feel like you have done wrong when you they are knowingly doing the wrong so what would happen with my relationship generally would be that an example would be maybe that he'd go out and if I wanted to kind of like check in and find out what time he was going to be home or where he was and it would always cause I would always cause arguments because I'm paranoid and I won't let him just be but I don't think it's normal for your husband to be out until like three in the morning and you're not able to know where they are

and when they're going to be home when you're at home with the kids. But I genuinely felt like I was like this crazy, paranoid, annoying wife at home. So I made such a conscious effort when he went out to not check in or ask him where he was because then that would mean that I was doing a good job and not being annoying. But now I look back and I'm like, I would never want to go out until the early hours of the morning

and not let my partner know where I am. Yeah, that's weird. and not let my partner know where I am. Yeah, that's weird. Like, do you know what? I sometimes get a bit frustrated when I think back at the things that I was put through and made to feel like they were my fault. And for so long, I genuinely felt like they were my fault.

And so throughout our relationship, some people might not agree with this and some people i think just do it just because it's maybe like the norm in this day and age but we had our locations on i don't think it's a bad thing at the end of the day it's sometimes for safety reasons i know my parents have their locations on for each other no my sister does it's not also i feel like when i used to be at home dealing with the kids like bath and bed sometimes i'd I'd be like, oh, I just need him to be at home. I wonder when he's going to be back. And I'd just look and I'd be like, oh my God, he's like, he's 10 minutes down the road.

So the biggest, one of the biggest red flags for me is when he turned it off. And when I questioned it, he just said, I just don't really see why I need to have it on. Now, if at the start of a relationship you don't want your location on, that's not a red flag. But if you've had it on now if at a start of a relationship you don't want your location on that's not a red flag but if you've had it on yeah for like eight years and then all of a sudden you're like I don't need it on anymore it's a bit like where the fuck are you that you don't want me to know where you are again I was made to feel like you're so controlling just leave me alone

let me be like if you want to know where I am, just call me and I'll tell you. Cool, that worked well. So, yeah, for me, I guess it's like the gaslighting, LinkedIn with, like, the lies, and that's a massive red flag. So I've noticed quite a few on here talking about addiction, drugs, gambling, alcohol. I feel like addiction is a tricky one because you can have some people that are addicts

and are generally like on the road to like, they're in recovery for like 20, 30 odd years. And there are people that stay on that path of like really working their program and they're fine with it but then obviously you have others that like addiction in general I think is a bit of a tricky one because once an addict always an addict it's never going to go away it's essentially a bit of a personality trait isn't it they've got an addictive personality and when you've got a

particular addiction I think there comes the lies as well so yeah i i think it's going to obviously come down to personal preference if you're able to be that's a person that's with big piece of baggage isn't yeah essentially yeah you've got to be well it's more it's a massive responsibility because really you're with someone that can any moment relapse they tend to if they're not clean put their addiction before you and it's a massive burden because do you ever really know what's going on yeah so i mean it's a red flag for me i wouldn't personally be able to no be with someone that's got an addiction um this is an interesting one someone's put here his mum always shouts at me for not looking after him well enough that's not a red flag in your relationship

that's a red flag with your mother-in-law and us we all know well my mother-in-law was actually lovely but um i know my sisters have um my sisters had a very interesting encounter with an ex-mother-in-law. Oh, really? Oh, my God. I think the thing is, you can't choose your in-laws. And look, one day we're going to be that mother-in-law. No. Yeah, I know. It kills me having sons.

But at the end of the day, your relationship with your partner, that's your relationship. It shouldn't be with your mother-in-law so the only problem is in your relationship if that comes around that your partner takes sides with his mum or isn't backing you in some way or supporting yeah if you're feeling a certain way they should be trying to help the situation yeah shouldn't let it get to a point where you're kind of like arguing with your partner about his family you should have each other back and if you don't have that then maybe that's a slight issue always working late on days where he shouldn't be or say they'll be home by x time but like i agree with that one the working late for me yeah don't trust it yeah yeah that's right lipstick on his shirt

okay that's not a red flag that you need to get out there now because i don't know what excuse he's made for that but i think i found something on his shirt once do you know what i feel like i've brushed so much shit under the carpet i can't even remember what fucking you need to get new carpets later at least some new underlay if there's any anyone on here listening that can get me some new carpet contact her him being so so jealous and paranoid and he was cheating on me all along completely deflecting it yeah that's gas well no it's not gaslighting it's just that's his insecurities playing out because of what he's doing yeah i imagine if you're doing something where you're keeping a massive secret

you're thinking if i'm capable of doing this she's capable of doing that you get out that but yeah just sounds toxic to be honest yeah my ex used to take his phone to the toilet shower everywhere and never let outside there's so many on phones turn the phone screen down two phones as well a personal one and a work one yeah it's hard it's hard do so time yeah some people do have two phones but phones like this just wasn't an issue i feel like i'm born in the wrong era okay this one is just insaneHitler books under the bed. Get out of bed. What the fuck?

Yeah, that I've been gone. I've been absolutely gone and terrified. That's a big red flag. Not coming to bed at the same time. We've touched on this, haven't we? I've had, so so yeah for months we didn't go to bed at the same time who went to bed for me right um and you say downstairs yeah i used to go to bed at 10 o'clock yeah but that is a massive red flag and also i think it's really important to go to bed and have a cuddle and get that touch that intimacy like yeah because we went to bed at the same time and never ever cuddled

um don't get me wrong one thing i obviously want to point out i can completely appreciate that you don't always have to go to bed at the same time like if someone does work late or you know it's genuine for genuine reasons but yeah generally like it's nice to go to bed together if it's happening every single day where you're going to bed at different times yeah that's good yeah i agree obviously yeah it happens occasionally it happens my when i say i can't i can't physically remember the last time we went to bed at the same time like genuinely couldn't tell you yeah and obviously again we spoke about it in the other episode biggest red flag i think is no sex yeah oh yeah yeah it is um i i would we would probably have a conversation every few months where i turn around

and i say like why we like do you not want to have sex or why are we having sex and his response would always be like i do want to and i was like well you don't because we're not like you can't like you can't lie about the fact that you want to have like if do want to and i was like well you don't because we're not like you can't like you can't lie about the fact that you want to like if you want to have sex we'd be having sex well why aren't we having sex so yeah it is a big problem and if you're not having sex like i've said before it just needs to be addressed because it can just be as simple as it needs to be spoken about you both need to be like myself if someone's made aware like i really want to be having sex but maybe i'm not feeling good about myself there may be a valid reason

they're exhausted or they want like you want your partner to make a move to make you feel good particularly if you're a mom yeah and you've you've got that change in body you feel different yeah in your body i know i've got like insecurities like literally my boobs are like empty sacks of air. Like for me, I am really conscious of my body. And so I would, I know from me, I would have wanted that initiation. Yeah. I don't think I was great with making that first move. So that's why we never had sex. Asking me about my credit score and talking about moving in with him on the first date.

Love bombing? Or just fucking keen? That's weird. Third date, he said, I used to be gay, and I replied... So, you're bi? I used to be gay, and I replied, so you're bi? And he said, no, I'm straight.

Said I used to be gay, and I replied, so you're bi? And he said, no, I'm straight. Said I used to be gay. And I replied, so you're bi? What? You never used to be gay. Is that a thing? He had something in you at some point. That's surely. Maybe vicarious?

Vicarious, I would say is a better. You maybe dabbled. Yeah. How would you ever be with a guy that's dabbled? Personally for me it's a no. Sorry.

No. I do know from me I'm insecure enough about myself at the moment. You don't have to worry about both

sexes. And I'd worry about them cheating with girls. I don't need to worry about them cheating with girls and boys because

that just like is the population. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No it's no from me. about them cheating with girls. I don't need to worry about them cheating with girls and boys because that just like puts the population down. Yeah. Fair. Yeah, no, it's a no from me. I'm not going to lie. I have sometimes thought about maybe just becoming a lesbian.

Yeah, me too. But it's not a vibe for me, unfortunately. I feel like life would just be so much easier. Sometimes I think about me and my friends just buying a big house together

and us all living together with each other's kids. I feel like it would just be so much easier sometimes i think about me and my friends just buying a big house together and it's all living together with each other's kids i feel like it would just be that'd be so fun so good yeah okay what only What only... What's wrong with me? Why am I such a child? What only do me up the arse? Red flag, ladies and gentlemen. Red flag.

What? Oh, dear. I don't know why that's weird. Yeah, in the mouth of me. That's weird. Yeah? Does that mean you're gay? does that mean he just really wants um don't get me wrong i understand i understand men wanting to do a girl up the bum

but surely you also want a vagina if you're straight the whole thing stresses me out what, bums? really, is it not for you? it's not for me you don't have a butt plug upstairs yeah, my secret butt plug don't get me started now, for me bums

is it really hot in here? oh, we can talk about bum sex, seriously it's a red flag for me Bums are... Is it really hot? Oh, we're talking about bum sex. Seriously. It's a red flag. For me... I don't agree. For me, I... You don't agree. What, that anal is a red flag?

No, if it's just anal. Obviously, if it's just anal. I think different people are different. For me, I have no desire to. For me, I feel like it's just the hygiene, just the principle. I just think there's so many other options. It's just, yeah, that's a no from me.

Okay. No judgment here, Tess. You carry on having bumfarts. And so... Judgment free zone, guys. it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum

it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum

it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum

it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum

it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum it's bum But if you want to. Okay.

My ex owed me money. We went shopping. He bought me something I didn't really want. Oh, that was part one. Said he was paying me back. Proceeded to tell everyone he bought it for me. What? I don't think that what I read made sense,

but basically he bought her something, made her pay him back, and then told everyone that he bought her it. That's weird. That's so weird. That's so weird. It's really weird. I feel like money is a bit of a tricky one in regards to like splitting things 50-50 or like... I don't even know how you'd go about that now.

I'm so out the loop of dating. Yeah. What do you do? You're asking me? I mean, I feel like everyone's got a different opinion. I think when you're dating I'll tell you what a red flag is to me first date and he and and he doesn't pay no bye job on I'm all I'm all for like independent woman and all this but also at the same time like yeah like a man should

be a man open the door for me you know? You're lucky you got to take me out. You're lucky you have my company. Pay for my dinner. Buy me flowers. Make me feel good. Open my car door. I like all that stuff. I think that'd go a long way.

Yeah, 100%. I'll tell you a red flag for me, actually. I just thought of one. Any names beginning with a J? Same with me. It's very triggering. Not the J. The A. Any j's or a's out there mine's not even a mine's very specific but sadly it's a very common name yes you were saying i feel like it rules out quite a lot of people but i think j is probably the most common boy name might be yeah like well i remember when

i was like scrolling on the dating apps it's like say name over and over again i was like yeah oh yeah oh my god i'm not very good yeah no i could never i could never go out with someone with the same name no it's far too dimmer so what kind of person they are that's a red flag yeah red flag red flag making lots of promises for the future which they never follow through with yeah Yeah, can't bear that. Yeah, that's just BS. Yeah. Cheating early on in your relationship. No, you gotta go.

You gotta go. You gotta go. You gotta go. You gotta go. You might suck your bum, you gotta go. I think it was gotten to the area. I had a guy physically throw money at me, thinking it would make me

weak at the knees I'd take it and run with it that has to make something sick I would take it and run like sorry I'm not gonna I just need

I don't need these things sorry throwing money at me you're not throwing you too that's grim sorry sorry

his dad sexually harassing me online and he told me it's okay just ignore him what the fuck baby you need to go to the police yeah oh my god that's a red flag that is terrible that's a red flag on this abuse just the whole family yeah yeah you don't want to you don't want to be a gold in a family yeah Yeah, not falling far from the tree. Like, the sun's probably harassing people. Oh, my God, that is terrible.

Not able to be physical with you, also telling lots of small lies. It's the deceit, isn't it? If they can't be physical with you... Early on as well. Yeah. Oh, following on from that, struggles to stay hard hard i shouldn't laugh because that may be a problem yeah medical problem but if it's not a medical problem then he's obviously just like i would take that really personally i was with some crowd i know i'm like i'm like what i don't feel like helping you if i was having sex with someone and they went soft,

I'd literally feel like... That you're ugly. Like that I'm not doing something right for them. But then the issue is, is then they would feel the pressure next time and then it would keep me hustling and then you just need to end it because he's not hard. Viagra. Viagra, yeah, it happens.

Oh, dear. Interesting. not hard viagra viagra yeah it happens oh dear interesting he gets annoyed that i make more money than him despite very different careers i feel like i can understand why a man gets affected by being with a woman that earns you waiting yeah but that's just the society i think a lot of people have been brought up in or a lot of people our age may have had parents whose dads brought home most of the money and then the mums maybe didn't even work yeah yeah i think that's that's kind of just our era of how we've been brought up but i do think things are very different we've got so many like boss bitches now and people who are very career driven and then absolutely nothing wrong with it and like i but i do think that if you are with someone and that person struggles with it that maybe you're just not suited for each other yeah and i think again it comes down to communication and being like well

why is this a problem let's talk about it let's you know it's kind of validating those well yeah i guess that's maybe a red flag that can be discussed and sorted because also i think like throughout a relationship with someone if you're with someone for 10 years like one person gets made redundant they're not earning anything like like your salary and like generally your earnings both of you in a relationship can change so much throughout the years that like money is one of the biggest reasons for marriages ending you know the stress financial stresses and everything like that so i think it's only a big red flag if he really takes it personally. You know, if you've caught up loads of times. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like causing arguments. Yeah. History of doing drugs and paying for hookers. So funny. I mean, anyone who pays for sex, just... I feel like it's so easy to have sex if you want it. Yeah, well, you have to pay. Yeah. And FM, it makes you want it. Yeah, well, you have to pay. Yeah.

NFM. That makes you feel sick. Yeah, same. Okay. Hired a dating coach. I actually think that's a red flag. I like that. I think that shows self-awareness that, like, he wants to, I don't know, evolve and be be better it's giving hitch vibes you know that film

with will smith like and if you have the number i could probably do it one i just think if you know that yeah it shows that they want to obviously self-awareness isn't it want to be good on a day and some in our shit it's sort of like therapy like therapy yeah so i don't actually think that is i think that's a nice nice little nice little thing you've got going there should we maybe just go on to a few green flags

maybe end the episode on a bit of a hump yeah this isn't all doom and gloom guys it's not red flags steam waved everywhere

there are some green flags and I definitely think like going forwards there are things that I would look for as massive green flags in a future partner. What would you say is like a big green flag? For me, and it's weird because if you'd have asked me this before I got married and had kids, this wouldn't have even cropped up.

Like being really family orientated. I think the way someone is with their family, whether they've got their own kids or whether you know their siblings their parents I think is a really I don't know it's like I think you can tell a lot about someone about their relationship they have with their family and the kind of family that they are like for me I'm from a very loud and very close like we're a very like every emotion is like laid on the table kind of family and but one thing I know is like like I want a family to be like that as well and I want to meet someone with a family that's like I don't know that they're really close with I just think I think it tells and tells you a lot about a person with maybe like seeing what his relationship like is with his parents with his

sibling yeah so yeah I think that's uh i like that yeah so for yeah so for me as well like mine kind of stems from because the boys are literally like my world for me they come at the forefront of everything and i'd want someone to understand that and understand i don't know i feel i don't know what it would be like to date someone who might not understand what or how they are such a priority. Yeah. I just need someone to kind of be on the same page as that. 100%. Biggest green flag.

One that definitely stands out for me would be, say you're having an argument with someone and you're both just seeing things completely differently and both completely different opinions on everything however when you're trying to resolve that argument your points still get heard and you're just you're heard like dated yeah i feel like having someone be able to take your points on even though they may not agree with them and still resolve that argument in a nice healthy way really shows what sort of relationship you're going to have with someone makes your relationship stronger yeah and it

comes down to the communication it does yeah it's definitely being able to voice your concerns your worries and not get attacked And not get attacked. And not get attacked. Having an opinion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually being like, I hear you, I see you. Yeah. Like, and also if you're trying to resolve something,

to come up with a resolution together. Yeah. Well, like we've said before, having argument actually is good because it shows how you resolve them shows what sort of relationships you're going to have. So, yeah, I think that is one of my that's a good green that's a good green flag but um yeah hope you guys enjoyed listening to all those red flags i would just say if maybe you're experiencing them just try not to be colorblind and just be aware as what might just be i don't know something little and what might be something

to just be a little bit more aware of and not to be missed yeah definitely but i hope you guys enjoyed make sure that you follow our page and tune in next week to listen to the next episode we can't wait we can't wait to do it yeah thank you so much guys hope you enjoyed bye