Not As We Planned - 41. The Home Wrecking Teenage Work Colleague

Episode Date: May 2, 2024

When your best friend of 25years starts having sleepovers with your baby daddy, your man finally changes but is it too late and the teenage work colleague who loves a country lane! Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly, and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea, or a glass of wine, and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys! Hello! Welcome back to another episode. We're feeling very, we're on a high at the moment, aren't we? I keep like crying.

Do you? I don't know what's wrong my brain was like getting really tearful thinking about it yes basically we had our event last night and um I think it just surpassed expectations yeah I think for me it was kind of like and I know you felt the same way as people were arriving it was a bit like do I introduce myself or do they definitely know who I am yeah these people then we got like major imposter syndrome that I was like I remember just standing there like looking at these people thinking what fright do I have to have a room full of people here to listen to us and I was just like I don't know it freaked me out a little bit

um but also I think like the main thing I took from last night and I got quite emotional about was it was like this bittersweet feeling that everyone in that room had been through something pretty awful. Like they'd had their heart broken. They'd been hurt. They'd gone through pain. But it was that that united everyone. And there was something like

weirdly beautiful about that and it just felt enormously empowering to know that we were kind of like the reason behind that and I was thinking in the car on the way here like I think we can be we can both be quite critical of ourselves and I know I'm someone I'm very much, I'm not very good at like being like, you've done really well, Carly. Like, I don't know, it just felt like an enormous sense of pride that we've used something really negative,

really shit, like a devastating turn of events in our lives and we've turned it around. And I don't know, we've always said we want to create a community. And I also think just to touch on something I was thinking about in the car and I think probably a lot of listeners don't realize Pash and I don't make any money from doing this in fact we we are in debt to doing this like we we pay for these episodes to be produced we have bought all the equipment ourselves we film off my laptop and on

my phone we do everything ourselves we've got no management so like tash messaged me last night she's like we've done this on our own like we've completely winged it we didn't really know what we're doing and we're 30 no and we're like 40 episodes deep now and we're just growing and growing and growing and i think i don't know i think a lot of people probably just assume oh they get paid for this podcast we don't we're paying for it and we we're doing that because we have a genuine passion to help people like we're not here getting paid for it we want to help people we want to we want people to feel safe and like they're being heard and seen and i think what we've done is given people that voice like I don't know just last night I felt like we've saved so many people going through a really hard time to feel like

someone's there holding their hand with them and speaking to some of the women there last night I don't know just no I mean it was really touching like even just having like one-on-one conversations with people and then sort of being like I I know a lot of people say it, but you genuinely do. Yeah, exactly. And, you know, it's quite, it's amazing to hear and it's so lovely. And then on my way home last night, I was sort of thinking like, I'm going through some of my darkest days now,

yet although I am, I'm helping other people with theirs. It's something to actually be proud of that I've never really like taken in and really digest and realize that actually like yeah I'm going through crap right now but I'm still managing and wanting to help others because it is a shitty situation like it isn't nice And being able to feel like you have other people to go through it with or people that understand you doesn't make you feel so alone. And if we are able to make even just one person feel a bit better about their situation, then we're doing our job. So, you know, yesterday was just a little glimpse of what we really want. So yesterday was just a little glimpse of what we really want to... I know it's made us both feel like we can 100% do this

and it's given us that drive and like, I don't know, just that atmosphere in that room, wasn't it? There was something really powerful about that atmosphere. I felt like everyone felt like there was this enormous sense of like female empowerment, like we're not going to let something shit that's happened to me dictate anything and i just found that incredible and like literally everyone i spoke to last night was like when's your next live event like we're coming so all those people are coming to our next

live event and we want more of you and it's going to be more inclusive so it won't just be for single mums it's going to be bigger it's going to be better and it's just some really i feel like we need to do like a summer event or maybe like a september one yeah kids on a weekend i think so book a hotel for the night guys no guys anyone listening to this if you've got suggestions of like when we should do it where you'd like it let us know let us know there's a game last night there was drinks it was food it was just it, really nice. Yeah, it was really good. Yeah, it's left us on a nice high. We thought we'd go through our gift bag.

We're not going to lie. We're not going to blow our own trumpets. Our gift bags were sick. Yes. And thank all the brands as well for helping us. And we wanted to shout the brands out because for those of you who are listening, go and follow these brands. They're honestly amazing i think all of them are mum run companies as well when we love to support mums and small

businesses currently both for anyone that can see we are um so what i'm looking for here sporting sporting our sexy sock socks and sass she made us these she actually asked us to come up with our own thing we wanted us we designed these socks and so we've got you've got this and she has got more for sale so anyone like i just think it's a really cute gift i remember when i was going through everything and someone said what can i get my friend just go for a hard time i feel like that's a really cute cute thing it's pretty much our running slogan or on a lot of the things in the goodie bag. Grab it. Is it there?

Yeah. So we're going to go through them. So first up is a lovely bottle from Berger. They've got such nice things. My phone case has actually come. Oh, is it? I haven't actually opened my gift bag. Oh, look at that colour.

We love a bit of nude. Well, yeah. So yeah, this is lovely. Really nice quality. quality god they did really well these girls did really well um we got the amazing lydia bright they sent us a copy of her brand new books called mummy and me it's all about it's like an exciting adventure of being a single mum so a massive shout out to lydia bright it's such a lovely lovely book love that i read it before i'm quite a bit absolutely we've got play makes sense she sent us some what they call phonics cards phoenix is gonna love this he's like obsessed with phonics we have got this little bag i'm gonna wear it now i've like i

haven't even opened my gift bag. Huh? Bead Stack has sent us these amazing bracelets. You'll see, like, all my bracelets are from her. She is amazing. I've got ones with the boys' names on. I've got, like, ones with the initials on at the moment. I've got just really cute ones.

So she made us these. Putting it on. And it says Mama with a little heart, which is really cute. So I always get asked about my bracelet. Let's go and follow her. She's honestly amazing. She did some with certain crystals, like, to help me. I fucking love her.

Brilliant. Sorry for the swearing. Well, what's that? Is that the gift card thing? Oh, yeah. So we've got a gift card for a company called Matchbox. I'm actually currently sporting their earrings right now. They've got the most beautiful earrings.

So thank you for this 20% off voucher. But check out their Instagram. They've got gorgeous stuff. We've got Printer Boodle. I have worked with her so many times. She actually sent me, everyone went nuts at Christmas, my bauble that said the three musketeers. She made that for me.

And I know her orders went crazy when I shared it and she reached out and asked if she can make something for the event and she's literally she's done it exactly what we wanted little hearts heart key rings I can't wait to put this on my keys that says you've got this really really nice isn't it yeah I love that super cute super cute so yeah go and follow her she's amazing she's also done like all different Really, really nice. Isn't it? Yeah, I love that. Super cute. Super cute. So yeah, go and follow her. She's amazing. She's also done like all different things for the boys' rooms. Like in Theo's room, it's just Theodorus Rex.

She does everything. She's amazing. Okay, this. Guys, we spoil everyone, didn't we? This is, they actually got a full wax melt burner, which isorge and some wax melts which did this smell amazing you know i've got the candle up there from that yeah their stuff like it's all like dupes and they smell unbelievable oh sorry off get in my house yeah really nice i don't think i've ever burnt wax now so i'm gonna do this when i get home nice lush right feel like it better than a handle so like that aroma we got the amazing

cake bops we use we've both used that for all our kids events like always have cake bops at my kids parties um she's just incredible she she's done our logo i don't know if you can see she's done our logo on these these are biscoff they are honestly aren't they oh yeah i haven't gone through this gift i'm gonna go through all the spare gift bags and take them all out and eat them yeah she is amazing like she can do like any design to fit your design so go and give her a follow she's amazing and they just taste insane this i freaking love twilight crystals she gave everyone like a different crystal i think they were either heart shape or star shaped um i just think it's really nice like giving good energy like i've got my rose quartz in my bag

okay and the last one are these little bookmarks by crafts by abby yeah so how cute they go over the page i've never had anything like that and again it says you've got this but she does all different like crafts with like slogans like personalized things like that yeah it's proper nice quality isn't it i need that for my book yeah you got this so yeah thank you so much for sending all of those things i'm very excited to use them all yeah but yeah anyway, on to some emails. Should we get, let's get crack-a-lackin'. Crack-a-lackin'.

Okay. This one is called, I think my ex is seeing my friend for 25 years. What? I'm assuming it's a friend of 25. Oh, I say yeah. Hey ladies, your podcast has helped me so much recently. I've got a story for you.

Me and my partner, we'll call him Jacob, we a story for you me and my partner we'll call him Jacob we're together for six years and we have a five-year-old he wasn't the best dad in the beginning but worked through it as he wasn't in the best place on our six-year anniversary he broke up with me as I've been going through a tough time he's now best friends with my best friend of 25 years. Props from the event. If anyone can't see, we're currently waving our red flags. I mean, that's fucking weird. They have lunch together and he stays at her house and says they're only friends.

Fucking hell. What? Stays at her house. Can you imagine? Can you fucking imagine? I feel it is from his side as he isn't interested in anything but i know everyone knows it's obvious that she's into him i'm telling you now it's not just from one side like i'm sorry if my partner stayed over my best friend's house, there's nothing that is remotely okay with that whole situation.

It's fucking weird. Beyond weird. She's doing more for him than she's ever done for me in our 25-year friendship. She sounds like a bitch. I can't help but struggle to why he wants to be around her more than the mother of his child yes I've had moments but I say they're valid from feeling insecure and jealous about their friendship sorry there is nothing to be jealous about the friendship it's it's fucking weird no it's not

a friendship it's not friendship yeah it's not a friendship they're bullshitting you there's something going on it's not a friendship if my best friend ever starts going out for lunch and having fucking sleepovers with my my kid's dad babe god i don't i don't even want to say what i'd be doing so i'd probably get locked up no it's just not it's not on I want to move on and feel better but it upsets me so much I think I'm more angry than anything I feel betrayed by them both even though nothing's happened

am I overreacting if they're just friends babe they've slept over something's happened they're not just friends please don't be like sorry if i sound like really harsh you need to wake up smell the coffee and realize that they are mugging you off they are lying they are not just friends i don't i actually what are your thoughts on like girl boy friendships i feel like this is my personal opinion if guys are friendly with a girl it's

because they fancy them if girls are friendly with a guy it's because they don't fancy them yeah i've it's weird i feel like at different points in my life like at uni i had a really good group i feel like me is different yeah like i genuinely had friends who were boys and i have never ever seen them as anything else because you didn't fancy them but also i don't know i i feel like as you get older and you're in a marriage and things i feel like it's less appropriate for me to have friendships like i don't know i would feel weird going out for lunch with a guy friend if i was married or in a serious relationship i just I don't know if it's like a certain level of respect because again, actually similar to what you say, I think a lot of the time the men do fancy. They would if they could.

Yeah. Yeah. I actually. I think there's always something there one sided. And you know what? I actually... I think there's always something there, one-sided, that keeps it... And do you know what? I have been, upon reflection, thinking about some of my male friendship.

They all loved me. Everyone fucking just loved me. No, I'm joking. But, like, there were... The intentions weren't necessarily the same. And I don't know. I think men struggle to just be... This is not platonic.

Sorry. I agree. A follow up with a bit of a background. I feel like it's needed about our situation. We're still living together. I'm trying to move out, but not having any luck. We have dinner and days out together still.

And we also sometimes share a bed, which obviously ends in sex. I can't help my feelings how after everything i've loved him to come back to me even though i know i deserve better oh it breaks my heart because i feel like he's just playing with your emotions and sees that weakness that because you are still sort of there he's got the control of the situation. You need to seriously set some boundaries. And unfortunately, you really need to realise.

I'd love to know if you've had a conversation with this best friend of 25 years. Like, why is my partner staying at your house? Why are you going? My mind is just blown because if any of my friends did that, I'd ring their fucking necks. I thought you were friends did that i'd ring their fucking necks i thought you were saying to ring their fucking nan what fucking nan listen now tell your granddaughter

stop babe yeah yeah you need to seriously... You may never get the facts, but actions, those actions of what they're doing are enough for clarification of what is going on and it's time to bin them both. Bin them off. Bin them off. Hi, ladies. Apologies in advance for the long message, guys. What's this about? I'd love a bit of advice on your next podcast.

I feel like she needs that. Okay, we're here. We're here. Been listening for a year now. Have you? Because we haven't been out a year. But I know what you mean. Since last year.

Yeah, we're here. We're here. Like 40 episodes deep. And always wanted to message and would love some advice. It's a year ago this week that I found out my husband, who I've been with for 27 years wow we we had outed sweet heart was cheating with her another one work colleague another one she wrote i found out in the most cruel way The woman's partner stalked me for weeks, followed me.

Hold on, hold on. So the woman that her husband had an affair with was also in a relationship. Her partner. Yeah, yeah, sorry. Followed her for weeks. Sorry, stalked her for weeks, followed me, sat outside my house for hours. I would call the police. Followed me to my kid's school, which is where he finally confronted me. Why is he stalking you?

Why can't he just tell you? Yeah, like, that's just to ruin my life. But why is he trying to ruin your life? Surely he's devastated too. Surely you're on the same page. Surely you should be buddies. I'm confused, as always. I don't know. know well let's read this

as you can imagine i was and still am absolutely devastated my life ended right there outside my kids school the man i trusted with my life brought three kids into the world where i had been having an affair for three months he worked away a lot so the times he saw her were all at hotels where they both happened to be staying for meetings this is like my biggest anxiety i say it time and time again it's like the things outside of workhouse which is what i've like my partner does work away a lot and it's one thing like you can't tarnish everyone with the same brush and it's why i absolutely struggled with it like when you hear things like this he said it was purely sex and had no feelings for her but she made him feel good and boosted his ego oh how lovely for you babe stroke your little ego oh let's stroke your little

ego hope she's giving you chlamydia or jenna's warts i've heard they're bad what's the other one herpes no that's like gonorrhea maybe syphilis fetus reeling off HPV

HPV is like yeah the herpes isn't it no HPV is the herpes what's the type of herpes

HPV isn't that what the people get the jabs for isn't that what we HIV no HPV is what year 8's get they get the jab HPV virus

HPV is to do with herpes but anyway I'm not arguing about STDs on a podcast what's that song gonorrhea herpes no VD we have quite different music tastes it appears. I don't listen to it anymore. You know I'm just as 50.

She don't think that shit. Anyway, we'll talk about how afterwards. We were having a rough time, arguing a lot, and I could tell something wasn't right. He seemed really distant, got less and less patience with the kids, and was acting like a bit of an idiot around friends and my family. Anyway, fast forward a bit, I stayed to see if it could work and decided not to tell anyone.

He is beyond remorseful. He is beyond remorseful, doesn't want to be with her and never did, left his job and has absolutely no way of contacting her. Really? He's worked on himself a lot and seen counsellors etc and i finally got the man back that i fell in love with and married he's now present in our marriage constantly telling me how much he loves me and wants to make this work works as a team with anything house or child related and he's now amazing and so attentive with the kids everything i could have

ever asked for but i was waiting for that fucking bar a lot big butts i cannot lie you are the next um i just can't get what he's done out of my head i constantly feel sad really triggered by everything wake up and go to bed with the thought of him and her and what they did together i I'm seeing a therapist which is very helpful and has spoken about how I don't think I'll ever forgive him and definitely won't forget and I know it's more about acceptance and forgiveness at this stage. I'm not sure if I can even do that. How could he do that to me and the kids? I constantly think I wasn't good enough for him, always doubt myself and the way I look. I don't want to break my family up and he's worked so hard to fight for me, but I'm not sure if I can stay.

My emotions and feelings are all over the place. I clearly love him, otherwise I'd have walked away. I'm not sure if I could live my life without him, but how do I live my life with someone that can break my heart? Any help or advice you have would be amazing. Thank you, keep doing the amazing work you both do much love do you know what this is a bit of a different situation to others because you know we have always

said that well there's two sides to this that the person that's done the wrong needs to like make the changes show the remorse and actually by the sounds of it he's done everything that he can he's left the job he's cut the contact he's putting in the effort he's putting in the work but then the flip side of that is you also need to be that type of person to be able to accept it to live with it like I from experience when certain situations happened in my past relationship with my ex-husband and was there remorse maybe at times a bit but I think it was more like that he needed the clue because he felt like he had to and I got caught rather than genuine yeah like let's make this sorry you got caught rather than sorry you didn't yeah I feel like I forgave, didn't forget,

but unfortunately I feel like it continuously tarnished our relationship because I couldn't let it go. I used it against him. It made me insecure. It turned me into the type of person and partner that I never wanted to be. And I don't think we ever had a chance. Once that trust was broken and once he did things that put me in a position to feel paranoid and insecure,

I think we were doomed from then onward. And I think that's where me and Tash perhaps differ. It's like you felt like that and you did all those things, whereas I knew instantly the kind of person I was I I knew I was so confident in myself there was no chance I was going to forgive forget I knew nothing would be the same I knew like my trust issues would be there and I I think I was so sure on I know what I'm like. I know what I'm like. And I think that's why for me, when everything came out, that was it for me. Do you know what else I think it is?

I think that the partner that you stick with and stay with is a reflection on your self-worth. And I didn't have any. And I genuinely felt like the fear that I had of being without him and on my own was so much greater than the fear of at times not being happy or feeling insecure in my relationship and it's and it's like hill and that's where I feel like you are like you can't see your life without him quite rightly like you've been with him for 27 years all you know since your childhood that that's that's mental that's so long but i feel like they'll

come a point where it's like the fear of being without them is going to be less than the fear of being on your own and not being happy like not being funny as well. Like I heard something the other day and it's like, so I'm 36. And it was saying like on average, like people live to around 70. So I think it's a lot higher. No, I might've got some stats wrong, but say you live to till you're 70. You've technically still got half your life left. Yeah. You've got another 30.

That really makes me. Okay. Well, okay. Sorry. Well, look, all I'm saying is you've done a small got half your life left. Yeah. You've got another 30. That really makes me. Okay. Well, okay. Sorry. Well, look, all I'm saying is you've done a small percentage of your life. Now you've got a greater percentage left. And it's amazing because you're not wasting the rest of your percentage of your life, figuring things out, being a child, going through things to understand.

I feel like I'm at the point now 35 years in basics and where i've learned some hard lessons and never again will i have to go through those things because i won't allow myself to be in a situation so i feel like my next 35 years are going to be way more purposeful way more happy way more um like intentful because of it so i understand what you're saying like you can't see your life without him i'll be honest a year ago i couldn't see my life without my ex-husband either and i think everyone who's been in a similar situation will absolutely identify with those feelings you feel like that's not how you've ever envisioned your life ahead of you. But I promise you, you can do life without him. And guess what?

It might actually be even better than you ever imagined. I never imagined that a year on I would be the happiest. Honestly, I ever remember feeling really like I've never been so respected in a relationship. And a year ago, I never even considered that might be a possibility. So I completely understand how you're feeling and it's totally valid. And I think it is the fear of the unknown. It's the fear of starting again. It's the fear of breaking up a family.

And I just want to reiterate like those feelings are so normal. But also I think you have to ask yourself the question, normal but also I think you have to ask yourself the question is it worth living my life constantly on edge constantly paranoid not truly being happy not truly believing anything he's gonna say just for the sake of staying with him because I'm scared and I think what you'll probably find is the answer is no remember your self- You deserve happiness. You deserve to be respected. You deserve to be loved. And you know what? I think it's that hard feeling of you feel some guilt because he's gone away and done the work, but you don't owe him anything for that. Like, damn right he should do that. Just because he's done that, it doesn't mean you have to stay.

And I think that's really important to remember. Yeah, I completely agree. I hope that was helpful. Okay, this one is called Where Do I Begin i should have sent this months ago ladies at this point agony aunts first of all i love the pod so keep it up secondly i cannot believe it's taking me this long to write this but i need your advice i'll start by saying my partner is loyal kind and loving i struggled to write this email for so long because I don't believe he intends for his actions to be hurtful but my gut is screaming at me. There's a lot of history to this story so bear with me whilst I give you some context. We met a few years back and we were pregnant within three months. My partner only moved in six months after our son was born. After I gave in his notice

for him on his rental after getting to breaking point trying to cope with our quality newborn alone with no support. Why won't you move in straight away when you're pregnant? And what I can assume was postpartum depression. I was fed up. I was in the mindset of commit or leave but don't half-ass this. I should probably mention he wasn't great during my pregnancy and friends were often left assisting me with appointments, etc. Fast forward to the past year, there have been numerous arguments over lack of communication, my partner's work pattern, he works nights and everything falling into me. If you think of anything to do with the house, family, life, responsibility, I do it all. I also work part time, study towards a level four qualification and have a voluntary placement as part of that qualification.

With a suspected send two and a half year old son who doesn't sleep. I'm desperate to feel taken care of like I can drop the ball and he will pick it up. But every time I try, I'm proven right in the sense that I can't and I'm exhausted however I'm stuck do I stay and work through these issues knowing he's loyal decent bloke or do I free myself from it thank you ladies I think it's really hard because I think we often put ourselves with this pressure of staying if someone's loyal. And that's not the only thing. That is a bare minimum in a relationship. Loyalty and truth-telling, honesty, that's the word, truth-telling,

are bare minimum. And I think sometimes we need to remember that. That's a bare minimum. And just because trust hasn't been broken, just because he's honest, just because he's a bare minimum and just because trust hasn't been broken just because he's honest just because he's a good person it doesn't sound like a lot of your needs are being met in a lot of other ways and I think you need to remember that still is okay to end a relationship based on your needs not being met what I would say is communicating about it first before any decisions are made I don't know whether you've sat down and had these conversations and

said you know I'm feeling this type of way I would really you know these things would really help I'd really appreciate if and then just make I don't know almost coming up together with some things I could do obviously I don't know if you've sat down and you've spoken about it but I do think like it is also okay to walk away from relationships that no longer serve you I don't think you have to reach a point where trust has been broken or you know something awful has happened for that relationship to not serve perhaps I think I think, I'll be completely honest, there's a lot of red flags for me from the start. Like the fact he didn't want to move in with you, like when you were pregnant and become that family unit and show up in that way.

For me, that's just as bad as someone being unfaithful. That's them showing a lack of respect to us as a family unit, to what I'm going through as like someone growing a child I don't know for me there's a lot of other red flags so I think once you've done the communication part you know things don't change I absolutely think you're within your rights to walk away from that relationship and and the fact of the matter is there are people out there who will show up in that way who will give you the love you said you wanted to just be looked after and cared for there are some decent men out

there who will look after you and will care for you and they'll take on your child and i know we think like when we're mums and we've got children with this extra burden and it makes it harder to meet someone but honestly like there are some really decent people out there who that will not phase them and yeah yes sorry I didn't mean to know why I'm laughing um I mean I say I can relate to your email not in the respect of like look I've made it very clear to people that the relationship that I was just in and that I ended, you know, he ticked so many boxes for me. And the ones that I held on to so much was that like the love was there and the trust was there and he was a good guy and he was loyal. But like we've said, and I said in that episode where I spoke about going through my breakup like they are bare minimums and I think I thought that going from the relationship I had

with my ex-husband to my ex-boyfriend it really highlighted to me that I thought that's all I needed in a relationship but actually that's what you have to have in order for a relationship to work they're the fundamentals but then you need everything else you need to have the same values you need to have your needs met and by the sounds of it you've got the bare minimum but that's it like you don't stay with someone because they're loyal and a kind person that person that you're with should have those attributes anyway um so it to me putting it completely bluntly it doesn't sound like he brings much to the table you should definitely have someone where like you said if you drop the ball they pick it up and if he's not willing to do that then I say jog on mate and go and find someone

else yeah yeah oh okay I'm gonna read this one because it's called another one teenage work colleague slash homewrecker and she's sent like a follow-up saying sending in the hope my story makes it on because I've already got an interesting part too so I'm reading this okay hi girls first off thank you so much for doing this podcast I remember in the early days of my breakup new episodes of your podcast would come out and it would be my only motivation to get out for a walk because I would want to listen I love that my story's a long one so bear with me me and my ex have been together for 11 years lived together one child engaged in august i noticed the change in his behavior he was distant and not as affectionate towards me he was sleeping at the

opposite end of the bed to me i think they call it top and tailing stop it i thought you meant like just the other side but it's a child it's a dead to turn you get like the toe in your face oh my god stop it that's literally like when you have like a sleepover toe. Did you get like the toe in your face? Oh my God, stop it. That's literally like when you have like a sleepover with a friend. You're like single bed. You're like nine years old. Yeah. What?

Can you imagine if you just got into bed with your partner? He's like, I'm going to put my head at the other end tonight. And you feel like his foot near your face. Oh. But that's just so weird. Right. When I asked him why, he said I snored in his ear. I'd always been a snorer, so I didn't really understand

why now was an issue. September came and he was staying out late at night. He lost his mother tragically in 2019 and it took a lot to get over that. I stood by him during that time on his darkest days. His mother's anniversary is in September, so he told me he was struggling a lot with that and needed some headspace.

He said he was going on walks after work and stuff to clear his head. The thing is, I appreciate that in moments like that, when you're going through something so dark, it can be quite easy to believe because how terrible to use something like that as a lie. Yeah, that makes it feel ill. Vile. Pig.

Bear in mind he works in a supermarket and his shifts sometimes end at 10 p.m he would be out walking until around two or three in the morning okay that's a long walk babe training for the fucking marathon hate shin splints hate shin splints i kept asking at this time are you cheating on me you're clearly with someone else etc but I was told I was nuts and I was making the situation worse for him and that he needed space October came and the distance between us was huge we had always been such an affectionate and happy couple that I just didn't understand what was happening. I eventually shouted at him,

do you even want to be with me? To which I got no response. I kept going and going and eventually he mumbled no. That was that. I didn't mention but all this time I had been suspicious he was seeing a girl in work. Another one. A new girl joined his in august around the time he became distant and she started liking his insta and stuff so i had my suspicions a lot happened between then and now but basically on the 4th of january i opened his wallet we're still living together and there was a picture stuck in his wallet with sellotape of him and the girl from work. Sorry? What? What? Sticking it in with sellotape? Why are you sticking it? Why not just

slide it in the little carpet? Why have it? I feel like it gets to a point where these guys want to get caught. I just think some men are just fucking stupid. Well, there's obviously that, but you don't put a photo in your wallet unless you want it to be seen.

Sorry, that is... Dodge. They are in bed together in this picture. Stop it! Oh, my God, are you fucking joking? It's going to sell a tape. Fuck. They are in bed together,

and it's like a couple selfie. Side note, my ex is 32 and the girl is 19. Oh, my God. Wow. What's going to last? He says they are in love, that it happened after we broke up and basically says he was miserable in our relationship and that this is all my fault.

These men, not just men. These men. This guy was a fucking arsewipe. Yeah, it's obviously all your fault, babe. That I drove him into the arms of this teenager by not being loving towards him. Honestly, like, grow up. Fucking communicate your needs. work on your relationships passing the blame to someone else because you want to get your dick wet by a

fucking teenage girl so where's that info i think i got a lot of pent-up anger guys true yep fucking true right she said potty mouth today my mum's gonna tell me off um that i drank with bill he says i showed no affection he always had to initiate sex he said i drank way too much on nights out literally threw all these insults at me and has stuck by them ever since maybe and he's doing that to make himself feel better maybe he had to always be the one to initiate sex because he weren't that good because maybe guys anyone listening if your wife never initiates sex it's because you're shit not speaking from experience. Oh, Christ almighty. Right.

I am in the process of moving myself and my two-year-old back to my mum's house to try and save for a mortgage for an apartment for me and my son. Good for you, babe. On one hand, I'm happy this happened as my son is so young, he won't know any different. Yes, the next few years will be so tough as me and my son live in a single room together in my mum's but honestly it's been six months living with my ex and it's so toxic for my mental health he's in a relationship now with this child says 19 year old and he regularly stays over and at hers she's a student so rents locally. Well, I'm so embarrassed for them. I'm so embarrassed for that life.

Is he making her pack lunch? Are they eating pot noodles together? No, do you know what? It's the way that instead of looking after his son, he's now looking after his person. Let's make lunch for your school today. She's at school. She's at school. She's at school.

She's not in school. She's just out of school. She could still be at school. No, you can't. Maybe she repeated the F. Jesus. Can you come on? It's really bad choice in men.

Anyway, right. Let's not make up a whole life. They go on drives together down the country. Another thing he said I never wanted to do with him, which also led to him going to be with someone else. I mean, do you know what? That is such a high value need in

a relationship. I need you to be able to drive down the country with me. I love the M1. Why won't you go to the services with me? I love the M1. Why won't you go to the services with me? I love the M1. Title for episode. I love the M1.

They go to hotels, etc. Everything you would expect at the beginning of a relationship. Meanwhile, I'm here with my world turned upside down. Will mind frame frame of mind i think she meant mind frame frame of mind get better when i leave how do i go no contact with kids where do i even start to try and build a new life send help love the pod and thanks for listening first of all that absolutely will change it will change sadly the no contact thing isn't the thing when you've got kids. Oh my God, I wish it bloody was. But that's probably the hardest part, isn't it?

Yeah, 100%. Having to have that contact with someone that you're trying to heal from. It always feels like a setback every time that you see them or talk to them. You've got to set some really clear boundaries and make sure that it's like a business transaction. You only talk about your child absolutely nothing else try and hold back on the digs and the anger because it's only gonna get you round on and upset um i think he's you don't realize it now but with his actions and what he's done he's gonna make this process a lot easier for you because he set the bar so low and he hasn't brought much to the table that like I mean being on your own is going to be better than

with him oh 100% I mean yeah I know and again it's like we say it a lot but like it is that fear of starting over but like honestly this man has like an absolute waste of absolute air let him go do his thing let him go driving down the end yeah and you know what like what's gonna happen next as she gets a bit older is he gonna go for another thing that's 10 years younger again like is it always looking for something shiny and newer less lines in their forehead less bags under their eyes like at the end of the day, that's not a real meaningful relationship. Things haven't been done in the right way.

You've been gaslighted. Like, it's some classic things we see and hear about all the time. It's that blame. And just one thing I want to reiterate is I really hope you know that you're not to blame. I really hope you know that is his element of control. It's him trying to make you feel bad it's what a lot of these people do because they know what they've done is wrong

and they're trying to make themselves feel better yeah 100 like you know like we've always said it's about making that list of you know the benefits of not being with them i've a real few for you right now yeah tell me about it. And really just putting your energy and everything into your gorgeous little boy. And you've just got to feel the feels. Unfortunately, it is one of those things that you just have to go through. Go through it. And do you know what?

Something that I actually... Grow through what you go through. I've read it something that i actually saw and i wanted to share and i feel like right now it's a good time to share it because it's something that i'm going through with like a breakup and trying to heal and everything i think that what we've got to realize and give ourselves credit for is it's a basic human need to feel like you need connection with someone and getting those like bouts of loneliness when you're on your own like in the evenings once your kids are asleep or you know you want to have someone and snuggle with on the sofa those bouts of loneliness are really dangerous because those feelings aren't

nice and having those feelings makes you sometimes either go back to a toxic relationship or go into a relationship that maybe isn't going to serve you isn't going to meet your values and your needs and I think it's really accepting those feelings that may not feel that nice but it is just part of the healing journey and really feeling it and going through it and getting through it to realize that like, humans need connection and it's not a bad thing that you crave it. It's just making sure that you're healed enough

to get it from the right person and not stay with the wrong person because you want connection so badly and I think that's something that I I generally do suffer with quite a lot like having broken up with my ex-boyfriend I I miss connection and it's it's the stronger people and the people that really heal properly that goes through that journey of healing on their own and not jumping into the next relationship and really accepting those scary lonely feelings that's it I think it's learning to be okay with feeling uncomfortable like and not having to just

fix that it's feeling uncomfortable and sitting with that and accepting it and recognizing and feeling all the feels and I think sometimes we can often be like fixers and we want to fix that void in us straight away but I think what I'm learning like in a different sense of the word is you know certain triggers that have come from being in a new relationship, again, similar kind of spin on that is sometimes triggers happen to me. And I'm actually trying to get more comfortable with things that make me feel uncomfortable and knowing that actually I feel uncomfortable because of my triggers, not because of the person I'm in a relationship with. And I think it's just allowing yourself to be in that uncomfortable state and go through that and I think sometimes we're looking to make things comfortable well look at the end of the day

I think going through heartbreak and doing it on your own is hard but I think it shows a lot of strength when you're able to do that and I think that people that go through it on their own are the ones that are finding themselves instead of just moving. You know, he's just gone straight. I think that's the problem with these people. They cheat and then they're in a relationship. They've gone from one thing to another.

So let him be with her while you heal yourself. I feel like some of least men do that yeah they can't be on their own for it and it will allow you if you want to to meet someone that deserves you and gives you what you need because it sounds like he was a fucking waste of space so yeah i agree yeah thank you for sending that in okay this one is called I'm a bit psycho but I don't care I broke up with my partner of eight years six months ago he had an affair and I believe that he is with the woman that he was with when we were together I've created a fake Instagram account and I've been sending her messages all bad things about him.

I know it seems quite bitter and maybe I shouldn't do it, but it gives me such joy and I will continue to do it until they break up. Puss just started feeding her information. What, just pretend to be a random girl? I don't know.

That's what she's put. You do it again. You do it again, babe. So yeah, love that. Keep us updated as to when they broke up. Thank you guys for sending that all in. Shall we do a little affirmation of the week? Let me think.

If you're currently feeling that loneliness and upset, I promise you one day you will look back and realise that there was a reason for it. Damn it. Yeah. It's got to sometimes rain and pour and there needs to be a storm for the

sun and the rainbow and the flowers to grow and blossom into beautiful things. That smell is beautiful. And that would escape into the things. I've got that smell from before. And that would have skipped the world. Okay.

Thank you guys once again. Please make sure you like, share, subscribe and follow. We want to grow. Like honestly, after yesterday, we are more passionate than ever and we can only do that

with your help. And so please, please, please, even if you just share one of our reels to your story, say I'm loving this podcast. We love to see it. Tag us.

And we're going to definitely look into maybe like a summer event of some sort. Yeah. So thank you guys. Lots of love. Bye.