Not As We Planned - 43. I Want to Store You In My Basement In a Duffle Bag

Episode Date: May 16, 2024

TRIGGER WARNING: Domestic Abuse and Rape We talk about self sabotaging a good thing after dealing with a toxic relationship, the strangest messages you’ve received on dating apps and the sad reality of continuing to stay in a relationship where you see no change. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys and welcome to this week's episode. Now you might say we are not with each other today. No, so far. No, so far Yeah, Milo was sick twice yesterday And Tash has a massive phobia of sick

So it's not a great combination So we're zooming Milo is zooming You know, the show's got to go on, doesn't it? It's about life, isn't it? Motherhood not as we planned Literally So a bit of a difference set up but

still got all the love for you guys. Don't worry. Don't panic. Still be a great episode. How's your week been? How's my week been? Oh, can't even remember.

I feel like I've been so busy. I had the kids this weekend which is like kids parties seeing family, you know, the usual. And then, I don't know, there's been a few things this week where I get like ideas in my head. And instead of like letting them sit, I like act on impulse. So like I had it in my head like last year I kind of let my garden go a bit. Gardening's never been anything I've been part of. And I was like, right, Milo, we're going to B&M.

We're going to go and get a load of gardening stuff. And we got home in that evening after school, the three of us were gardening. So I was like digging up weeds. I was cutting back bushes, giving myself a blister on my hand. I mean, my garden's a fucking mess. So if you want to help me out, hon. I've decided I'm going to pay for a gardener to do the rent.

And then all my, ain't it? I was like, I don't think I actually know what I'm doing. And my garden's, I've got two, like a front and a back, and they're quite big. And yeah, I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. So that lasted, like, what, an afternoon? No, we had two afternoons outside. Okay, fine.

The PO's begging to go out again. I'm like, darling, I'm bleeding. So, yeah, I'm all right. Actually, today is a year since I matched with my boyfriend on Bombay. Really? Today. Love that. How mad is that?

Yeah. So that's exciting. So yeah, we've got a fun weekend planned for our, we kind of like call this our anniversary. I don't really know when we became official, but I think for both of us, like, we weren't speaking to anyone else and we were very much invested in each other from the start.

That's just the kind of people we are. So we just kind of count it as this. So yeah, it's like. Happy honey. Thanks, babes. how was your week uh you went off with the kids having you yeah so they've had a completely different easter holiday to everyone which do you know what it's been so nice yeah everywhere is dead like i took them to soft play looked like i rented the place out myself like it's just been such a pleasure going to places like I went to the zoo with them on Monday there was no one it was literally us and the animals it was just it was so lovely so

the days out that I've had with them it makes such a difference when it's just so empty and they've actually been like on good form like they're actually the last few days they've been with their dad and I've struggled quite a bit I'm not saying that I don't struggle normally but I usually really embrace my kids free time and I feel like just this the school holidays that they've just been so lovely it's such a pleasure other than what a pleasure any place but you know when you're like ready to be like I need a break but I didn't feel that way this time I don't know it's like sort of caught me off guard slightly um but I'm just trying to make the most of like

my time on my own um really now trying to like work on me being happier in my own company I think it was I think it was last week or maybe the episode that's out today I briefly spoke about those kind of like bouts of loneliness that people get and they can be quite dangerous you can slip into kind of like bad habits of like trying to kind of like not get the wrong attention but just I don't know I feel I am struggling a bit kind of like with no connection I'm just such a yeah I get that I could I do crave connection with someone I think I'm really trying to kind of like not rely on that right that way um it's actually two months no contact tomorrow no i don't think it was longer

it was two months no contact yesterday um probably because you've been broken up for four months um i think i just look there's no time you can't put a time on these things i just think i thought in four months time i'd be fine yeah fine four months after my separation i was in such a good place after my separation for four months down the line maybe even two months down the line so yeah i think it's just really hitting hard that I'm a bit like, when is this getting better? Yeah. That helps.

So, yeah. But other than that, not really having very much to report, sort of like day at a time and all that jazz. Plodding. Yeah, plodding. Yeah, modding. We asked you guys to send us in because we got a really funny response from the message I read on the live podcast

from, I think his name was Daniel. Daniel. What is so funny. Shout out to Daniel. I had two people screenshot me the same and no way I told you. I couldn't listen to me.

I couldn't help myself. But I replied to him. What have you done? Although my hinges on pause, I was like, this is just too good not to reply. I messaged him being like, hey, lovely copy and paste message. Already know two people that have had the same.

Maybe it's fun you switch it up a bit. And he replied to me. Hold on. Rather than like unmatching me. He's replied going with the missing emojis. What does this mean what it means exactly what is that daniel i know your game daniel anyway i just thought that was quite funny so we have asked you guys to send us in like pretty much like funny like one-liners or things that

people have said to you on dating apps i thought i'd share a few of those to start off this week's episode because some of them are a bit funny. This one is called Pick Up Line. Hey, girls, I absolutely love the podcast. I can't wait for my walk from my dog on a Thursday morning and I wait to walk until it's been released. I know sometimes I'm out before 7 a.m. Keen, I know. Blimey, out before 7 a.m.

That's gold. Anyway, I met my husband on Tinder, out before 7am. That's gold. Anyway, I met my husband on Tinder. This was his pick-up line. Cats or dogs? Three years later

we've got our gorgeous dog and six years later we're now married. See, sometimes it is just as simple as like this or that

question, isn't it? Yeah. That's cute. We should try and come up with some good ones like particularly for those people on a bumble and you as the female you've got to reach out girls i i didn't know what to do i just was like hey the thing is i think it's very difficult to think

i started to say unless they've got problems and you kind of like use those into a conversation do you know what i mean yeah because like even though i just said that i was like the opening i remember he was like i think i had a picture of me like at throwing and he said something like do i need to be worried about your accuracy with that axe or something just kind of like opened up the conversation it's trying to make it a bit different to the normal hi you okay because if you're the sixth hi you okay of that day if they may not be bothered to reply i agree so i actually i don't know if this is anything to do with um what we asked for because i think this actually got sent in before but it's quite relevant because the subject is

called shit messaging experience so should i read this yeah okay hey girls not sure if i'm looking for advice or just a bit of a rant because I'm not told a soul about this. A while back, I put a random ad on Instagram. We have mutual, so I accepted him. Turns out he comes to my hometown often to work. He wrote a story one day looking for some info, so I replied to give him all the information. day looking for some info so I replied giving him all the information fast forward a month and we have still been messaging every day just general chat with some added flirty banter at that I'd absolutely presumed he had no girlfriend because there was no sign of her no mention and from the

messages I never would have thought he did oh good a week then I asked him and it turned out that he has a girlfriend I was really shocked and surprised by this. As he said, it didn't come up in conversation. What? I didn't know there was a conversation where I was asked people when you're dating in 2024. I mean, I'm not being funny, but if you have a girlfriend, surely you shouldn't be adding a random girl on Instagram

and then talking to her every day. Red flag. Where are those red flags um anyway i know i should have stopped the messaging but we never we still continued messaging every day all day most of it just general chit chat it wasn't until i really thought about it and said to myself is this actually ever going to go anywhere? I was investing so much time in someone that there was no mentioning of ever meeting, so I brought it up. She put in speech box, are we probably not messaging a lot

for someone who is in a long-term relationship? He said, yeah, I agree. We probably are, but you've got good banter and it's refreshing. And it's just stopped from there. I spent every day for the last month speaking to this guy. probably caught a bit of feels we got on so well and it felt like we'd really clicked now we've just went to nothing and he's carrying on about his life with his girlfriend not sure what advice or anything that i'm looking for here but i just needed to get it

out somewhere keep up the podcast girls it's been a savior for me can I just say I I know that a lot of people listening to this will probably be like why the fuck did you carry on messaging him you had a girlfriend like it's kind of wrong of you you knew but I can't really really understand that when you start talking to someone and you feel there's that chemistry or connection even when you see red flags or feel like you shouldn't I think it takes a lot of discipline to stop yourself especially if you're not in a good place and you're that that conversation is kind of like lifting you in your day i'm not saying it's right and i'm not i'm not excusing that like was that obviously how affairs end up happening but i think that you need to

really reflect on this and realize that anyone that you speak to if they were interested they would show you if they wanted to meet you and go out on a date with you they would no one's ever too busy for you he has a girlfriend so I think that however upset you are that it's sort of like he's stopped and it's gone back to his normal life it's a blessing in disguise because I think that it would have only yeah ended up being more hurtful because you're going to carry on getting more feelings and then there's no there's no potential there like he's obviously not a faithful person but yeah what are your thoughts i 100 agree like for me that is a big red flag i i'd be like no like to me if i'm messaging someone or i'm dating someone or whatever you want to call it i want to be the only person i know that's not realistic these days but i am a jealous person and I don't know like for me I want someone to be like

all in and yeah no I I can't start raising it I do have a story I think I'm gonna save it for patreon okay oh so there's another email that has come in and its title is funny slash weird online dating messages and we've got screenshots so do we yeah okay hi ladies just thought on insta that you're looking for some interesting messages from guys on dating apps i've got a couple of screenshots i think you might like love the podcast look forward to every episode. I won't reveal his name. Let's call him Dave. So this is on the hinge, guys. So let's call him Dave. What is your favorite thing to do?

Well, she put that. Yeah. Dave says anal. She says, is that actually what you thought I was asking? You asked my favorite thing in any concept? That's my answer. Oh, my answer. Oh, my God.

And then she said, I meant like hobbies and interests. Reading. What kind of books do you like? Biff and Chip. What did he put?

Biff and Chip. Do you remember that primary school? Biff and Chip, Wilf and Wilma. Do you remember them? No. No,

nostalgic. But seriously, this is dating, isn't it? Is that the end of the conversation? That's all we've got to screenshot. Oh my God, that is fucking hilarious. It's these men that literally go straight into the sexual stuff. Okay, are you ready? Yeah.

For the next one, same girl. So he wrote I'm gonna do like a male voice We're gonna call this guy He Phillip No He's not a Phillip

Trust me I've heard it Okay He He Yeah Yeah I hear you babes

What do you do for a living? I work for Openreach Work with fibre optics Running cables underground And in people's homes You never know I might get sent to do yours one day, so I expect the kettle on.

Tea or coffee? Got to be coffee. Or don't drink tea. Yuck. Ollie, and drink you though. And then he's done a peach emoji, squirting water times four emoji, and a tongue emoji. Oh, my.

And then a monkey face and then a... Oh, my God. I'm just... No, why do people think this is like a thing? Okay, here's one. This is beyond weird. Are you ready? First thing this guy says,

you're so cute, I want to store you in my basement in a duffel bag. What? The actual... What? I asked her if she ran out with him. Yeah.

Oh, my God, please. I asked what's important qualities that he's looking for in a girl. Kind, thoughtful and swallows. You know what? Is it banter? Is it too much? For me, that's too much, isn't it? Yeah, it would be.

It's a no from me. Yeah, me too. So I was high on that. But I can imagine some girls liking that. You know? The thing is, I think if someone's going on there and not looking for Mr. I and just wants a bit of attention

a bit of confidence the person is looking to just like have a bit of fun then maybe they'd be like it's funny good banter yeah

it's not cause that let's be honest but if I was like you know first time going back from there feeling a bit nervous

and I got hit with that I'd literally be like, angry. Yes, same thing. Match with the guy on Bumble, and the first question he asked me is if I had the COVID vaccine. I'd be like, I find that really icky. Like, is that literally the first question? Yeah, that is icky.

I find that weird. Should we go into some email? Yeah, let's do it. Let's go into some emails. Ladies, I've emailed him before, but always about my story. And this time it's all about needing some advice. But the only thing is I need it sooner rather than later. As I'm in the situation now, I need your support.

I really hope we can get our advice on time, just where it goes out. But back history, I was in a domestic abuse relationship for 10 years with two young kids. I was gaslit, I believe I was cheated on because I was shit at sex and treated him like a brother. And then when I gave up trying to have sex, he decided to just start raping me. Oh, God. So sorry.

I was alienated from all family and friends and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Anyway, two and a half years ago, I left him for the second time after he hit our six-year-old really badly. God. Something I'm not... Can I just quickly say,

well done for getting out because obviously we can't relate, but trauma bonds and abuse is not something that we are familiar with, but I know, not firsthand, that it's a lot harder to leave something like that. So you should be fucking proud of yourself. Something I'm not proud of but my son saved us from the hell that was my life so i have been single two and a half years

done all the therapy and domestic abuse support groups and got myself strong also listened to your podcast and done the inspo board and the diary of positives and gratefulness oh i love that life is good and i have counseling and we discussed that maybe i should try dating if i want as there is no magic date that i would be ready i agree like there's never you don't hit a point you're like i'm ready now like you don't really ever know do you yeah so i joined the dating app scene and after a few bad ones i had i found an absolute gem of a man he makes my heart feel alive this guy's been amazing he listens he is able to show emotion and honestly we have been on three full day dates and in contact

all the time and when I'm with him I just feel so happy that I can burst there is a bit of distance between us but he always talks positively about that working for us in the long term here is where I need your help why do i feel like i don't deserve him why am i sat here crying my eyes out typing this why do i feel like he's the only he's only with me until he finds someone better i just want to chip in on that because i actually resonate with some of those feelings. I think, I mean, my situation doesn't remotely compare to yours because you're in a domestic abuse relationship. I think it's the things you're feeling and the trauma you've been through

is way bigger than I could ever even begin to like fathom. But I think when you've been through certain things in your life you end up losing a lot of self-worth and like you don't feel like you're worthy of love because I think where you've experienced someone not loving you and making you feel unworthy and making you feel like you're to blame for everything you don't feel like you're deserving to receive a real kind of love and I think this is something I have actually struggled with over the last year being with someone who loves me in a way I could never have imagined I didn't really know that a relationship could be like this and one thing I and I've said those same words like why do I deserve this almost like feelings like this is

too good to be true like something's got to go wrong like I don't know this is how crazy I can be sometimes but like there's even been moments how I know I'm a bit deluded I don't know if anyone's ever thought this I can't believe I'm saying it on the podcast but do you ever get moments where you think like you're in the Truman show and that the Truman show was oh my god And that the Truman Show was sent as like a clue to show you that you're in the Truman Show. Sometimes I literally think to myself, yeah, I do have those thoughts.

Okay, so I'm not completely crazy. I'm like, watch, and I'm like, fucking hell. Yeah. Then I'm like, well, maybe this man's been sent for entertainment for me to fall in love so that my heart can get broken. It's actually insane, the things I think. fall in love so that my heart can get broken. Like it's actually insane, like the things I think. But I completely understand that.

I have pride feeling undeserving and like, and as well for me, like feelings of how quick I found my person. I feel like, why do I deserve that? And someone else doesn't. Like I know people have been trying to find someone. I have this enormous sense of guilt that one of my best friends hasn't settled down yet with anyone and she's really trying hard with the dating to try and find her person and I felt really guilty that I'd come out this long relationship and marriage and feel like I found my person so I

felt really undeserving of that and I think it's really important and I'll just touch on this and I'll read it because you might have said more but for me the one thing that has helped is speaking openly about those feelings with my partner and kind of like having some really uncomfortable conversations about why I might feel like that and actually what I've kind of come to realize is that that's all in my head and actually I am deserving of being loved and actually what we've kind of come to realize is that that's all in my head. And actually I am deserving of being loved. And actually what we have is very real. And he's deserving of that as well. And I think we've kind of been through some similar things together.

Well, not together, but some similar things. So I think he understands those feelings. So that empathy is there. So I would definitely try and talk to him. I'm going to finish the rest of this email because obviously there's more to it. So he sends me wonderful messages and words of affirmation and I just discard it from my brain or change it to mean something negative

or that he's just trying to bid his time to end it. I constantly think I should just message him that I can't date him anymore as I'm so scared of getting hurt again. And in some ways, actually being happy scares scares me too I relate to this so much I've tried to sell my avatar so many times like this man like the fact I'm sitting here like it's a year today since we met I completely I have done that like I've tried to run away multiple times he can vouch for that tried to run away multiple times and he always used to say to me he's like Carly just let me love you I just want

to love you like I'm not asking for the world and it's terrifying and the one thing he was like I don't understand like if you run away you're still gonna go through that hurt of like losing someone you love and he's right but I said but I feel like I would be in control of that situation and it's having that control but when I looked at it like I don't want to lose him I love this man and I needed to gain some sense in controlling my triggers in controlling these sporadic irrational feelings because that's what I get like for me if something's been going right for too long I think something bad's coming um it's weird saying out loud because I feel like I sound a bit insane but like literally this I feel

everything you're saying so firstly I just know you're not alone. And actually, I've spoken to so many people on my Instagram who messaged me seeing me in a relationship now. And they say, how did you get through it? How did you allow yourself to love after what you went through? How do you not self-sabotage? And the fact is I've done all those things. I really have. And I'm not perfect.

I'm not saying like I'm not even a hundred percent there yet with the like self-sabotage not all the time a hundred percent better than before and we both think i think we've discussed i think we've discussed it before where there's like a fine line between being able to witness that you've got a partner that is able to kind of like help you through that kind of insecure self-sabotage and then also taking some responsibility yeah eventually it's self-work that needs to be done to make sure that you don't allow those triggers and traumas to affect a good thing and the fact that you see a therapist I think is really good because that's obviously work that you need to do but I think also making sure and has the email been if we finish the email

or no I think it's making sure and you might mention this is that he really understands you and hears you and validates those feelings I think that is a big sign as to whether he is a good person to you or not because I've said in the past like if you're an overthinker then you do need to be with someone that's an over explainer but it does get to a point where it can't be all put on there and yeah and this accountability does eventually need to be had well I just decided like I needed to be responsible for taking control of my triggers because this relationship is really important for me and like you know I'm very much at the point where I believe I'm gonna be with this person for the rest of my life so I don't want to carry on bringing in triggers into

my relationship I'm actually signed up to a course online um I need to find the name of the girl i'll post her on our podcast page when this goes out but she does courses she does do more personal ones but they were a bit too much money but i do a monthly membership and she treats she teaches you different ways to um release the triggers so she says something really interesting which i'd never really thought about before and i think this might help you in understanding like why you're feeling the way you're feeling but triggers are actually physical bits of pain that are deep within your central nervous system they're in there they're embedded in there and they're trapped inside so when bad things happen they get trapped inside and the reason they keep getting brought up is certain things can trigger them and those feelings are very much still there and she teaches you ways to release the pain and

release the triggers from your body so there's like a lot of breath work that it's just honestly like being able to a lot of it's like self-regulation and actually I found some of the techniques I use and that actually helped me as a mum, like self-regulate on those days that are really difficult or self-regulate when trying to communicate with the kid's dad. But it's just been really, really helpful for me. Like I'm not saying I've cracked it yet, but it's definitely like now I just feel like I needed the tools to be able to handle things better and manage things better

and that's what I want to do. You're now taking accountability for that I just feel like I needed the tools to be able to handle things better and manage things better. And that's what I want to do. And I think you're now taking accountability for that rather than just solely relying on your partner, however supportive they are. Yeah. It's not for him. Yeah. I don't want to tell him any of this and scare him off. But equally in my gut, I know he would be brilliant about it all.

Tell him. Explain to him how you're feeling. I promise you that is also going to be a sign how he responds and how he reacts and what he does next. You're in the early stages still. We were on the beach walking the last day and he said, you are really special. And I just burst into tears. And he was great after. I tried badly to explain that they were happy tears. He hugged me and kissed me until it was all okay and said that I just needed to go with those feelings as it was his job to make me happy. I have also had sex with him, which was amazing.

And I think he enjoyed it too. I also worry he thought I was crap. I'm going to lose interest as I have nothing to offer. What a head fuck, hey? I don't know what I want you to say. I just know you'll read this and give your spin and maybe that will help. In my heart, I know he's the one I've been looking for,

but why won't my head let it be? Love you guys lots and lots. Let me know your thoughts. I think it's evident that you still have quite a bit of, like, work to do on yourself. I think it's amazing that by the sounds of it, you have found someone that, you know, you even said in your gut, you know, that he'd be really supportive. So I think you need to put that to the test because I think it will be, you know, I don't know how long you've been seeing each other.

But, you know, you're probably still in that qualifying stages of really like learning about him. in that qualifying stages of really like learning about him and I think it's a good test to see how he reacts something that's quite like raw and honest from you so my advice would be to open up to him and to really let him in and let him help you as best as he can but also it's taking accountability and seeing those things that you need to work on and make sure that you do that with your therapist because you deserve to be happy and it would be a real shame for, you know, triggers from your past to jeopardise that happiness because it's obviously something that he wants to give you yeah i agree

um look it takes it takes time it's not something that's going to be a quick fix overnight i mean like you might find that while things feel really hard right now and almost a bit scary and impossible he might be exactly what you need to help you heal and if he's that supportive person and you let him in and you know you're honest with him but my biggest piece of advice is when you feel triggered by things or you get these like irrational thoughts in your head is to step away first before you react or respond yeah my story it's long hi ladies it's taken me a while to decide to send this message because I don't know where to start. I met my husband initially in late 2004,

working in a bar and soon felt head over heels. Started dating in January 2005. We soon became serious and he was the perfect person, caring, kind, would do anything and everything for me. He treated me like a princess. We did everything together. My whole family loved him. He would always take me out and pay for everything and even always would treat my parents to meals holidays

etc we got married in 2010 had the most beautiful wedding and honeymoon we waited a year before we had children but welcomed our first child in 2012 life was perfect in time I started to sleep in a bed with our son as he wouldn't settle and eventually over the next few months my husband continued to go out and I would always be left staying in with our boy I noticed that he started to drink heavily as he wouldn't get home until two three in the morning very drunk with a newborn it just wasn't fair I felt I became the loner always complaining about his late night we soon became pregnant with our second child. I noticed something was different and confided in my family saying,

do you think he would cheat on me? But honestly, all my family said, no way. My mom even was saying that out of all of her son-in-laws, as she had five, he was honestly the least likely to be the cheater as he adores me. But for me to even say that, my gut was telling me something.

When seven months pregnant, I found messages on his phone. But he convinced me that it was nothing. When I was nine months pregnant, a woman showed up at my house. And she couldn't believe I was pregnant and still with my husband. Oh my God, these men. As he had promised her a new life with her and her daughter heartbroken was an understatement i got goosebumps i pretty much forgave him as i was due our second baby within days my whole family and i forgave him as he was knocked the tight and his job was very stressful.

We moved on. He promised me it was the biggest mistake of his life. I can't quite remember the timeline, but within a year or less, I was noticing the same shady behavior. Always taking his phone into the bathroom, going out late, working away more, never able to face time when i called i know huge red flags constantly but you just don't want to believe it when you're in it but with two children under 18 months i didn't know what to do cutting a very long story short over the next 10 years so 2012 2022 i would constantly be hoping the man I first met would come back and treat me like a princess

and of our children. Week in, week out, I would find some sort of message on his phone. I kept a lot from my family. I find that really relatable. As we had a family tragedy and I didn't want to burden my parents

with my shit. Week in and week out, he would come home drunk and he would forget to delete his messages and he would be texting saying I love you, etc. Honestly, when I would confront him in the morning at no point when drunk, he would convince me his friend's wife would be texting him by mistake

as she had a friend with the same name honestly the lies that these men like conjure up it just is mind-blowing i know unbelievable that i stayed but there was always something like a holiday book christmas around the corner so i just never left over time he promised me he would change we tried counseling etc I know in hindsight when you look back and you put it all in an email and well you'll read it and you'll be like oh my god I can't believe I stayed after that I can't believe I stayed after that but I really relate with that because I did that for so many years and I think that as much as sadly it might be because you have low self-worth which I

know I had I also know that I held on so much to that potential and like hoping that I hadn't wasted my time with someone that he he was gonna change and that being that person that I saw once upon a time it wasn't that I needed him to become a person that he that never existed at one point that person did exist I think it's so difficult for people to like let go of that hope and when I think you're such like a the type of person I am it's like I don't like giving up on people I always like like see the best in people him fix there and I'm like it will happen like they in people. Him fix there. And I'm like, it will happen. Like they will change.

He will come back. So like, don't be so hard on yourself. Like, like we always said, it is easier to stay. However much shit you get dragged through that unknown and being on your own with kids is so daunting that, yeah,

I just don't want you to, to you know hear us reading your email and be like oh my god what an idiot was i think a lot of people would say um again in march 2020 a day before lockdown a woman phoned me to say she was pregnant with his baby oh shit day before lockdown was pregnant with his baby. Oh, shit. Day before lockdown. Once again, I was distraught and my heart shattered, but he couldn't go anywhere as we were not allowed to go near any family and his parents were elderly

and had severe illnesses. Maybe another excuse. Literally forgave and brushed under the carpet and said, oh, my God. He said the woman was a psycho and there was no baby. Oh my God. Literally, we had the best time during lockdown with our three boys. Oh, there's three now.

Didn't even realise that. He was completely at home 24-7 as he worked in hospitality in pubs for clothes. In hindsight, couldn't go out and cheat. Of course, he wasn't drinking drinking never slipped up with deleted messages he became so about it's his fitness unplanned we found out we were pregnant in feb 21 you know that's why i loved lockdown so much felt so in control of my marriage. Sad, really. So I really relate.

Honestly, I thought it was a turning point. Lockdown seemed to change him. Along came my fourth child, a daughter, and I begged for him to continue down this path of being the person I first met. And I just tried to say, we have a daughter now and we wouldn't want her to be treated how he treated me. He promised he didn't know why, but I was... And I just tried to say, we have a daughter now and we wouldn't want her to be treated how he treated me. He promised he didn't know why, but I was,

he promised that he didn't know why, but I was his world. My world came crashing down when I was five months old. He never came home from a night out. But once again, I still didn't leave. And over the next six to 12 months, I would find messages, but this time I would confront him when seeing them and he would end up in a fight with him trying to get his phone off of me it became mental I'm a normal mother of four with a compulsive lying cheat but I didn't know what to do I felt trapped I kept telling him that if this continues into my 40s that I wasn't doing it anymore my family had noticed my sweat had gone.

My hair had turned grey, just trying to keep afloat. Exhausted, I gave up, but I was still staying in this toxic marriage. I still was turning 40 and on the night he took me away for my birthday, he promised that this was it. The kids and I were for him and he was going to change. We had a lovely night away but at 2am I woke up by his phone messages and when I opened them it was a message. It was his mistress sending a photo to my husband saying just got home, night love you. How can someone do this on their wife's 40th birthday? Again heart shattered. I just didn't know what to do. Surprise still stayed as Christmas was just around the corner. The same would happen in early 2023, but suddenly I was 40. My eldest was now 10 years old. I noticed he saw us having a horrendous fight

and I thought I really need to change something but still never left March 2023 he'd been out in the day and he was acting shamed and when he got home he fell asleep on the sofa and I went to bed normally he always slept downstairs then at 2am a knock on my door again his mistress the first thing she said was do I live here I was gutted but actually the next morning, the first thing she said was, do I live here? I was gutted. But actually, the next morning for the first time, I took his keys and asked him to be gone when I got back. Normally, I would leave and go and stay with my parents. To this day, I still question whether I made the right decision.

You did. I feel I have no other choice but to leave. He thought I would never leave. He never thought I would leave him, even though I work. He is the main earner. But I think about the last 11 years, people would have ran after the first mistress. I totally understand why people can't. It's because the thought of money, house, kids.

I still feel like I loved him. He was my world, but he's the only person I've been with. So maybe it's just because I don't know how it is to be treated right I'm put up with this shit so long it feels normal after all this I still can't move on it's been 14 months and I'm really struggling I think it's the fact that I see him most days weeks kids have hobbies and he is still very much a full-time dad I think I'm just so miserable and lonely I sometimes think I should just stage for the company I think it'm just so miserable and lonely. I sometimes think I should just have stayed for the company. I think it's going to take me time as my family think I'm a much better person now without him smiling again.

I know this was long, but honestly, there are so many other stories of times I found him cheating, but my email is already too long. I could do with some advice as to how to move on when you still have to have contact. P.S. I love your podcast. I do try and take your advice. Thank you. Honestly, my heart breaks reading that story because you've spent so many years with someone that just has absolutely no respect for you. No respect.

And I'm wondering whether you really listening to what you have written is going to maybe be that light bulb moment. I mean, look, to be honest, you've been without him for 14 months, so you've already obviously had that light bulb moment. So I really want to acknowledge how brave and strong you are for doing that.

Because the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave but I think this is a prime example of when you make no changes no changes are made and he will constantly continue to do the same thing over and over again and I've said before you know those bouts of loneliness that you get are dangerous because sometimes you end up just thinking I'm better off with that person having some company but I think you really need to remind yourself of those times when you constantly felt the need to check his phone women turning up at your arrival a pregnant person telling you that she is carrying a child yeah you haven't mentioned that again so i don't know what happened with that but i think that is really really time to

do the therapy do the work make those i mean i could fucking write a list of 100 things benefits why you shouldn't be with this person i yeah do you know what i would also sit and ask yourself if this was my daughter and she was coming home and she was telling me about all these things she's put up with after throughout the last however many years would i turn around to her and say you should stay with this man because Because I guarantee you absolutely wouldn't. You would be like, get out. It is the best thing to happen to you to leave this man. Like Tash said, he has zero respect for you.

He has zero respect for the family that you have created. Sorry to be really blunt. He doesn't because he's continually fucking other women, getting other women pregnant, leading them on, telling them God knows what. He has zero respect for anything that he's created. And the thing, and I'm sorry this is going to sound really blunt, but the reason he's doing it again and again is because you keep forgiving him. Yeah, there's no question like that.

He can get away with it. Yeah. Evil, evil man. He's having his ego stroked. He's being told he's amazing he's got all these different women and i know right now you say you're in love with him but are you really in love with a man who can be that inconsiderate someone who can know the amount of pain they're inflicting on someone the amount of disrespect for you, for your children, for how hard you were working to

give him another chance and to beg for that change. But I want you to really sit with the thought of, if my daughter came to me one day and told me all these things, what advice would I give to her? The fact is, you are 100% better off without him. And I know, I think a big part of it is like you said, you haven't been with anyone else. You don't know any different. This is all you know. But I promise you, love isn't meant to be that hard.

It's not meant to be that disrespectful. It's not meant to be that difficult. It's not meant to be a game where you're checking his phone. There's meant to be trust there. That is a bare minimum. And I think we need to remember that. None of those things are happening for you. I promise right now,

it might seem like you are never going to find anyone again, but that's all in your head because you absolutely will. You absolutely will if that's what you want. Yeah, you've given him enough of your years and your energy. It's really time to start doing the work on yourself and really noticing that, like you said unfortunately like these men or anyone in fact

will continue doing what they're doing when they've got no consequences and you he's out you've been enabling him unfortunately and I just really really hope that although the last 14 months you're obviously still really struggling don't I mean I don't know if it's even an option please don't go back like it's not you don't want to look back and see that you've spent your whole life with someone that didn't respect you you're 40 you're still young you've got so much of your life ahead of you like set an example to your children as well but of self-love and self-worth and i can't remember she mentioned if she sees a therapist or not but i think you need to and really start doing the work on you to, you know, be in a better headspace to then find someone, if you want to,

that is worthy of your time and your love. And thank you for emailing it in. It was hard to read, so I can only imagine how hard it must have been to write. I can really, really understand why you held on, but you're in love with the potential, not the actual person. And I think that's what you need to start with. It's the idea of it. It's the idea of the family unit,

that he's not the man you're falling in love with. No. Being in love with someone like that. Yeah. And he can't love you if he was willing to treat you that way. So it's time to bad about doing things go and rediscover the things that make you happy go and find who you are like beyond this relationship and yeah like tasha do the work yeah confession of the week yeah confession of the week okay so confession of the week my husband had an affair so i caused bleach into his 11 000 pound boat engine yeah it's safe to say and didn't start after that

oh wow car was a bitch hon okay affirmation of the week for you guys that you're ready if you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got never heard a true word thank you so much for listening guys sorry for it being on zoom

but um yeah bit annoying but never mind I hope so yeah I don't know what to say

it's my advice um make sure as always you subscribe follow but never mind. I hope so. Yeah, I was going to say, it's my advice. Make sure, as always, you subscribe, follow, get those reviews on there. Really, really helpful. Five-star review, obviously. And yeah, subscribe on YouTube,

share it on your Instagram. And yeah, thank you everyone for listening. Bye.