Not As We Planned - 45. Gaslighting 101

Episode Date: May 30, 2024

Talking about getting the snip, when your partner cheats on you with his ex, working out if money can really buy you happiness and phone full of prostitutes. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode. Hope you've all had a lovely week. As always, we're now going to tell you at the beginning of an episode if you are listening to this we want you to go and subscribe review subscribe follow share it on your instagram if you're watching this right now screenshot it wherever you are tag us and tag us yeah

that's how we cry yeah yeah so anyway how was your week i'm so bad at remembering what I've done. I've had a good week. Good. I've had a good week. You have? It's been clean. Thanks, I washed it. Thank you.

I normally look greasy. I did wash it last night. I'm not saying it normally looks greasy. It is clean. Do you know what? I'm really into looking after hair and skin at the moment. I'm very like in my self-care era. Yeah and like i'm sleeping on like a satin pillowcase had my hair in my heatless curls these are my heatless curls last night so i don't have time so it's a game changer but um what did i do i had the kids

at the weekend yes it was nice it was warm so we were in the garden. We literally spent like Saturday in the garden. Sunday, my mum and dad took Theo and his cousin into London for a day. So my dad's, if you follow me on Instagram, I shared a while ago, my dad's got pancreatic cancer and he's not been doing well. Like he had six months of chemo and he's been really poorly. And whilst he's got this like burst of energy and feeling good, they wanted to take the kids into london but not the little two because they're just carnage yeah so they took the elder

two and they did the london eye and the aquarium and went out for lunch and they had they had the best day like they always not stopped talking about it um and it was nice that i got in my life i had a party so it actually worked out really nice timing that i could fully focus on milo and he met Spider-Man and he literally thinks he met the real Spider-Man and he like tells everyone it's the cutest thing

ever. He's like, my real Spider-Man and I'm like, I know. Yeah, this week I've just been in a really way more positive headspace.

I feel like, I don't know, something's really clicked for me this week just in terms of like my relationship and kind of where I stand in putting my energy into like I don't know obviously for me I've been working on my co-parenting relationship and sometimes I feel like I get dragged into a negative conversation awakening and I just feel really clear about how I see my future and just yeah focusing on again like focusing on what I can control and I'm just feeling I don't know a lot more positive about things and focusing on holding boundary like really holding boundaries and it feels nice and positive and yeah really quite I don't know I'm just yeah I mean I'm in a really good headspace this week which is nice what about you um yeah same I feel like I've had like a really good week maybe it's the weather

not although my kids have been feral this week so yeah I just feel like i've turned a bit of a corner yes it was coming it was due yeah i am really starting to embrace just sort of like doing things on my own and yeah it's nice i also i don't think i've mentioned it on the podcast yet that i've booked to take the kids to disney so i'm really excited about that sort of like trying to organize that now and like ordering like cute outfits for them I don't know it's just something to look forward to and I am going with their dad and you've had a bit of controversy online for that haven't you yeah so like most people as always are really positive just saying like wow just highlights like what

great co-parenting like relationship you have and like good for you for putting anything aside that you're not like happy with and whatever um and yeah like look I'm being completely honest if I was still with my boyfriend I wouldn't be doing it I was gonna say no disrespect to their dad but and my ex-boyfriend never would have had a problem with it but I think for me it just would have made me feel uncomfortable for him because I don't think I would I wouldn't be okay with it and I was speaking to my boyfriend about it and he wouldn't be okay with it and yeah I think it depends like that's it like you said like you've openly said if you're with your boyfriend you wouldn't do it but even if i was single i know of course you still wouldn't i'm still not in that place also i just

feel like family holidays when we were together weren't exactly like enjoyable surely it'd be even more hell on earth for me yeah it depends yeah so yeah look it's it's going to be interesting um you know i've had some comments saying like i'm doing it just for the views and stuff but look if i am then cool up the views guys you keep watching um i would never put myself through something that like i don't know i think people that have that mentality obviously just aren't very well to put it bluntly we have we've got a house so I've got my own room like you know we're not like in the same in one hotel room the five of us um so no I'm looking forward to it I think it would be definitely an interesting experience but we are friends like we're so okay so i don't know

how his person that he's seeing feels about it but look at the end of the day if he's happy to go on the trip that's not your problem that's not your yeah he wouldn't be doing something well you'd like to think you wouldn't be doing something if it made her feel uncomfortable surely they've had a conversation no comment okay you'd think to think she wouldn't be doing something if it made her feel uncomfortable. Surely they've had a conversation. No comment. Okay, you'd think they would have had a conversation about it. Most humans wouldn't have. It's a surprise if you're listening.

They're going away. Anyway, so I've also just booked a holiday for me and my sister. Yeah, we're going away in September. So I feel like, again, just something really exciting to look forward to. Like that's my kid-free holiday. Didn't think that I'd get to have one this year and it would be like my thing getting me through the summer holidays so yeah and I'm just feeling yeah better this week so yeah holidays I'm in the process of trying to book one for me and the boys yeah have you you've allowed not to go too far this time yeah i'm thinking of going to

mallorca two hours everyone's recommended yeah there is i'm not going to say where i'm going to after i've been but yeah there's a brand of hotel i'm really looking at just trying to get the best deal um like i'm such a deal seeker and you know what i'm like so yeah so yeah hopefully book it next week yeah I just I needed something I feel I feel like I've not had anything booked with the kids we were meant to go away to Dubai last month for reasons that I won't talk about on here if we couldn't know um and like we just keep talking about holidays funny because it was a year ago today that I took Theo on my own to Disneyland Paris I need some tips. Yeah. I'll give you some tips. I'll give you some tips.

I'll tell you the best places to stand for the parade. Yeah. Really good photo spot that was like dead when we went. But yeah. So I said to the boys, would you prefer to do two days in Disneyland Paris? Or do you prefer like a week's holiday somewhere hot with an outdoor pool? Because actually they total up like the same amount and I'm happy to do whatever they'd prefer doing and

they've chosen to go on a hot holiday so yeah that's what you know what actually I want to share this just in case it is useful for anyone so I'm in the process at the moment of getting Blake assessed for ADHD and I really wanted to get some sort of cue jump because him standing in the queue would be a logistical nightmare and I was worried I wouldn't be able to get something like that because he's not yet diagnosed so I actually applied for an access card it's like access card website literally if you just google access card it will come up I applied for it. I just explained all like the symptoms that he shows and how he'd really struggled to stand properly in a queue. He's not good at regulating his like emotions.

His behavior can be quite erratic. And then I literally just uploaded for kind of like documentation for them to see a letter from his psychotherapist and the school that kind of explained his behavior and feel like he does need to get diagnosed like assessed for adhd and they've accepted that so now with an access card i've now applied for a priority pass on the disney app and they accept access cards so that is done without a diagnosis so anyone that is looking to go and thinks that they won't be able to get something without a diagnosis, it can be done.

Interesting. So I thought that would be helpful. Right, should we get stuck in? Let's do it. This email's literally come through about seven minutes ago and I like the title so we're going for it.

Okay, let's do it. I'm just going to read the name. What's the title? Men are dicks but so are women. Oh! Oh, she went there. I think we should do it. Let's do it. Firstly firstly can i say well done on

helping so many women through the toughest time of their lives i thought i'd share my story to show that there is happiness at the end of the tunnel and everything will work out for you in the end amen sister yep yep yep yep where do i begin i met my ex out in a bar at the time he was sleeping on a friend's sofa his ex who is the mother of his two kids had binned him after two That's a bit strange. That's controlling. I really don't like that. That's actually quite interesting. I really wanted my ex-husband to get one.

I could never understand why he didn't want one, but maybe it's because he realised we wouldn't last. Awkward! That's weird. Also, that's a really big personal decision. Like, it's not something to be taken lightly. I think they can be reversed. They're not always successful, though. I don't think it's like 100% success rate.

But, um... I appreciate why some men don't want to get it done. You never know what can happen in life. But I genuinely think that he was just like... I also think it's meant to be like a really painful... Painful, yeah. Apparently you cannot ejaculate for a month. You're out of action.

You cannot even do it to yourself. Would you get blue balls? Maybe it comes out somewhere. What? I don't know. I don't know. I'm still saying I've Googled. Oh my God, this is making me laugh.

It's not something I know. This has made me just think of. What? Had this conversation on the phone last night. But I'd seen something, it must have been on Instagram. And it was like... What's your discovery, Pat? And it was like, this girl, like, suddenly thinking about something.

Like, when a man sits on the toilet to do a poo, like, does his willy just, like, hang into the toilet bowl? And someone's like, oh, my God, like, does it get, like, toilet water all over it? And she got, like, really traumatised by it. So it was like, we were discussing, like, imagine, like, a man sitting on there having a poo. Like, wait till the week, does the willy go over the front

or do they put it down in the bath? No, they tuck it in because obviously they... What if they're pooping and then it goes in the bowl and it splashes? They've got toilet water on their willy and their balls. So that'll gross you out.

And then suddenly I sat there thinking I'm getting the ick. Sorry about that, guys. I'm actually getting the ick. Anyway, yes, she is mental. Anyway, he met me

and we took it slow and him and his ex would constantly argue. They had the most volatile co-parenting relationship eventually he sat me down and told me that he couldn't have children but if we worked out he would look at pain privately for a reversal long story short he got the reversal and fell pregnant almost instantly there you go guys you can't get it reversed um although i don't know if it's 100%

successful always i had some complications at the beginning of my pregnancy and had to be admitted into hospital. He turned up at the hospital one day being really off of me, trying to start arguments with me. His sick girlfriend, the mother of his unborn child. I thought absolutely nothing of it, but looking back at it, it does all make sense. I got discharged from hospital and he was adamant I was going back to our home that night, but my parents offered to let me stay with them as he was working away the next day for two weeks so it seemed no point staying for one night and I still wasn't very well. He went off to work and everything was fine. I had my booking in appointment a few days later with the midwife and called him up after to let him know how everything went. He started bringing up his ex talking about when she was pregnant and it seemed

really odd that he would do that but he was obviously trying to push my buttons but it didn't work that evening we spoke on the phone and i just asked him if there was something wrong because he was being really off with me and he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore what wow we were expecting that so you can't like have an open conversation like that's my fear of like saying how i feel and then like someone being like i'm done but yes what the fuck um okay i just accepted it and said okay didn't get upset as i had to think of the baby and wasn't going to beg someone to be with me i love this energy i love that energy damn right shouldn't be with anyone you have to beg for. He then said, oh, I didn't mean it. Let's talk when I'm home.

Are you okay, hon? What, are we like five? Hold on. I don't want to be with you. Jokes. Like what? Okay. To be fair, that pretty much happened to me once he told me he wanted a divorce but on reflection

it was definitely to deflect something that was going on in our relationship and then a few days later he was like i didn't mean it i was like you don't throw that word around no divorce is Dallas is, yeah, not cool. No, not cool. Let's talk when I'm home, but I refused because I knew there was more to this for this to just change out of the blue. I hung up and then noticed he had changed his WhatsApp photo to one of him and his two kids. He had had the same photo on his WhatsApp for years. I had his ex on WhatsApp also, and I don't know why, but something told me to

check her picture and there she was with the same photo except she was in it not him at the exact same place that is were they sick they are they have been shagging and meeting up with their kids whilst i was in hospital pregnant and unwell with his unborn child. Oh, I feel ill. What a fucking prick. That's actually made me angry. How stupid are you? If you know she's got you on WhatsApp, like, please.

To be honest, I'm not going to lie when you said that you you met him in a bar and he was sleeping on his ex's couch because it was like yeah yeah that in itself i'd be a bit like not getting it but that's not helping sorry um the guy she hated and wanting nothing to do with i caught him up and confronted him and his first comment was why do you have her number? That's weird. Gaslighting. Gaslighting. Gaslighting 101. You're a weirdo. You're a psycho.

Oh dear. Right. He tried to make out I was the bad one for having the mother of his kid's number in my phone. He denied anything was going on and then said he didn't want to end things with me and would I meet up with him when he was back from work? chance girl i love you yeah i can love this i went round to our home and cleared out all my things and left the key and closed the door hell yes sister i love this yes

we need more of you um i didn't hear from him through my entire pregnancy and he has never been involved in my child's life can i just quickly say something can we just please appreciate the strength this woman had that she did all this while she was pregnant like that is something yeah but i do also wonder if like sometimes having like obviously we've never gone through anything like what we went through whilst being pregnant yeah and i wonder if that feeling of carrying a child feels empowering to like want to protect i know i wouldn't yeah no i can't say yeah it's just yeah i would have brushed right under that rug keep it going this is lumpy carpet lumpy i don't know how i coped but i did and i think knowing i was having a baby helped so, so much.

I just focused on that and cancelled out all the drama and crap they both caused. She called me up and apologised a few months after the baby was born, calling him a narcissist and saying she wanted her family back together. She's an absolute c***. I've never said that word out loud. I've helped her. Yeah, I do also think this is a case of like they deserve each other and you deserve so much more than that and i think you even

like you just know that like let them have them and me and my child are better off without she did us a favor a few years on and i've settled down with a lovely guy who treats my child like his own and so do his entire family i love that i didn't think i could trust anyone again but here i am not letting some idiot affect the rest of our lives to anyone going through a breakup it will be okay in the end i promise you feel the feelings but when the time is right you'll be happy again i promise you i love that and it's so true like it is so true and when you're going through this shit you can't imagine whoever's going to be happy. You think, like, life's over.

It's not. Do you know what? I think her story's really inspiring, that, like, she didn't fuck about and wait around for years and years and years. She respected her energy and her worth straight away. She was like, nah. And do you know what?

Like, to some extent, I feel like I was a bit like that. You were. I was like that. Yeah, and I don't... You found something out. Bish, bash, bosh. Off you go, nah. And do you know what? Like, to some extent, I feel like I was a bit like that. You were. I was like that. Yeah, and I don't. You found something out. Bish, bash, bosh. Off you go, mate. Jog on.

New life. Yep. Thank you, Nat. Literally, it's mad. It's, yeah. Good for you, babe. Good for you. That email.

Okay, this one is called, should I stay or should I go? Should I say or should I go? Do, do, do, do, do, do. Sorry. I can't even sing. Sorry, you're fine. It's not. Please.

Oh, dear. Of course. It's quite a shame. Very easily entertained. Right, ladies, please sit down for this one with a wine. If you say so.

Come on then. Go and get the wine. And you'll probably need therapy after this one. Don't worry. I've already got it. I'm so confused what to do. Deep down,

you always know. I know what I should do but I'm scared and don't know why. I'm 40 years old. We've been together for 14 years. We have two children together. He's divorced

and has three children with his ex and he's 10 years older than me. Our relationship has been rocky from meeting. I supported him through a three year messy divorce. Wow, that would have torn lots apart. But we got through it because we loved each other. I was there through thick and thin. We had our fallouts but came back together stronger.

She tried to break us and it never worked. We would always go out on dates before the kids. I would always be buying myself a new dress for a date night. Every Friday we went out, but the kids came along and things all changed. Can't get baby sisters, it's hard these days. We looked like the perfect couple from the outside. We live in a £2.5 million home.

Wow. Can I come over? Yes. It's massive and I hate it. It's too big to clean. First world problem. I drive a £100,000 car, have the jewellery he throws at me. I'm a stay-at-home housewife.

We have a luxury holiday home abroad. Holidays all the time. He's got an amazing self-employed business. He pays for everything. You name it, he pays it. I know money isn't everything and it's not. I want to move to smaller home i want to be closer to family i feel isolated i feel like i'm now that living maid where he likes to keep can i just say as well like just listen to this i feel like so many people like strive for that for that and they think that is happiness they think the

big car the home like endless holidays jewelry that is happening and you know what maybe to some people that is but it just shows that you can have everything and that's still not enough or it's or that's not what you needed yeah it's not what that's not what made you happy i do agree that money doesn't buy happiness, but it helps. Yeah, it helps. Like if you've got a great relationship and those things winning, but I would personally, here's a question for you. I know what your answer is going to be. What would you rather? Would you rather have absolutely everything that you've ever wanted in life

financially, like the big house, all of that, but be with someone that like isn't great or be with someone that is like the big house all of that but be with someone that like isn't great or be with someone that is like the most amazing person but literally live in like a show yeah 100 and and i think that's something i'm discovering now not that i live in a show but are you the lady that lives in the show but you can have like that light like i I used to go up. Not that we were financially like flying. We weren't by any stretch of the imagination. But obviously with two incomes, it's always going to be better. Two incomes.

We were at a point where we weren't financially having to worry. Yeah. And we just moved into, look, there's some people who looked at my house. They'd be like, it's not massive. For me, it was like my dream home. I felt like we had it all and that still wasn't enough and actually when I looked back at my relationship my needs weren't met I would much rather and I don't think happiness comes from material things like for me it's about experiences it's about moments it's about memories it's

seeing the beauty of the world and I don't I don't think physical things like and it's seeing the beauty of the world and I don't think physical things. And it's weird, but over the last year, I feel like when I was married, I had more interest in getting a designer handbag or a designer piece of jewellery. And I've had no interest in that at all. If I wanted to, I could potentially treat myself to it, but that doesn't actually bring me any happiness. Like for me at the moment, I'm more interested in spending my money on experiences.

Yeah. Things like that. So. No, I agree. He went out on Saturday, 4pm, then rocks up at 7am Sunday. I'm starting to feel paranoid. Crazy. Anxiety through the roof.

I was so angry. I never say anything to him. I walk around the house talking to myself, saying I hate you. Oh, I don't want to be with you. I can't stand you. I don't love you. But then later you could do something funny. It makes me smile and I think, oh, it's not that bad.

But deep down, I think I'm unhappy. But I now feel like I want to do it alone as i want to end us as we are unhappy i sometimes sleep in a separate room or with the kids we go out but we take the kids to the pub with us i feel like we are more friends than a couple these days i do think it's really easy to fall into that kind of friend zone when the kids are always going out with you do you know what you become almost like you do need that time just you yeah it you know what? You become almost like... You do need that time, just you. Yeah. It's like what we've said before.

Relationships and marriages take work. He doesn't sound very nice anyway. I mean, where was he that night when he came home at 7am? That's not acceptable behaviour. No. Or with someone. I'm starting to feel the older I'm getting,

my identity and blueprints has gone. I basically live in his shadows. All the bills are in his name. The house is in his name. He wouldn't add me to the mortgage. Told me if I was to ever split up with him, I would get half. That's fucking weird. Sorrow. I only have my passport and driving license in my name. I feel now is why he did all this for himself so I couldn't leave as I feel insecure because he's like,

you have nothing. How are you going to buy a house? Are they married? I don't know. It's different if you're married though. I now realise that they are red flags. You want me to be your wife but won't marry me.

So they're mother and dad. Have a home together but not really. Have a horrible gut feeling writing this as I feel like he's shrunk me along the younger model. He's not married. His arm. Not married her because of why she has the entitlement.

Yeah. Ugh. The last five months I started to feel like the writing's on the wall, always arguing over stupid stuff. So I got a credit card, Klarna, opened another bank account, got things in my own name to build up my own credit report. Good girl. I feel lonely, empty and sad as I'm with the kids and then when we do things, I feel he is always on the kids back. They are three, seven, two girls, so sassy and hard work at times, but they bring me so much joy even on my lower days. We are engaged and have been for 12 years. He said he won't ever marry me because he doesn't want to lose

all his money. Why get engaged? You don't understand. Sell that ring. Sell that ring. I should probably take it to get valued at the start. I had dreams like that young girl for the fairytale wedding but now I'm getting older I would

prefer the cute intimate wedding but I know I will never have that if I stay I've always come to realize that marriage maybe isn't everything it's just a paper and a ring but maybe that's because he's converted me I love the happy family unit our house is on the market as I want to move to a smaller house but I'm dreaming of living in that smaller house without him I have a gut feeling it's for the best to end it I want to go out and have fun like he does not be a mum all day he makes me laugh sometimes I'm not bothered about the money I want a job something he won't let me have while I had the babies he tells me that's my job being a mum I want to kids we had a row today over going to London in two weeks our hotel and tickets are booked said i should cancel frozen as the train tickets are 700 pound that's spare change to him but why

cancel my daughter's birthday he'd spend that on a lad's holiday and now i want this to be my get out of jail card make this why i want to end it because he's mean. It's so hard, but how do I go about it and do it calmly as I fly off the handle? My emotions go into overdrive. I hope all of this makes sense. Please correct any spellings or adjust how you want it to sound. I've been listening to your podcast since day one and I know I should go, but wonder, can we fix little things? But how does this sound to you ladies? Any help would be the best advice thanks ladies I've got to be honest everything that you were saying and I think that you're gonna make the decision when you hear us read it out because at the end of the day you're not happy wow he

sometimes makes you laugh my dad can make me laugh doesn't mean I want to be with him more obviously but you know what I mean, my friends can make me laugh. I make my fucking self laugh. Like, no. Like, you are not happy. The fact that he has specifically said that he doesn't want to marry you. He doesn't want to.

Yeah. Like, he is literally... That you're not allowed to do your farm. Sounds like your dad. That you're not allowed to do your farm. And not allowed to... Sorry, I find it's... It sounds like,

is it chauvinistic, the word? Like, thinks the man should go out for work and the woman should stay at home cleaning the house and looking after the kids. I just think that he literally wants to know

where you are at all times. That shows that he's obviously got some like proper profound issues and insecurities. Massive control. And I feel like you're saying like, you want to use that as a reason. Why do you need a reason

if you don't want to be with someone? I mean, it's that I could give you plenty of reasons. You don't need to use casting your daughter's birthday as a reason. I also think it's a massive red flag that you're engaged and he will not marry you. Yeah. I think that's a massive red flag.

Do you know what I would do? I'd start collecting all the really expensive things around the house and start selling them and build up a bit of a cat like you've already gone running away fun yeah my grandma my grandma used to say to me it's weird when i was married she'd say like when i'd be on the phone she'd be like you do have a running away pot don't you and i was like no grandma was right i would start you know making those plans like he said i would take my time with it i would be smart about things just well it sounds like you're already being smart

you're already trying to build like you're on credit score look for a job he is not he's not got control of what you do if you want to go and get a job come and get a job if anything like do the things that you want to do and see how he reacts and get a job if anything like do the things that you want to do and see how he reacts and then maybe if you feel like you need a example or a reason go and get that job babe do what you want and then when he turns around he's like no be like well this is something that i want to do and if that's not something that you're oh i'm not happy i really want to earn my own money i want to do something I love doing as well. Just give him an ultimatum.

Even let me have a job and make my own money. Or I was going to say, or marry me, but I don't want you to marry me. But I'm not being funny as well. Like you've said in that email, you're not bothered about the money. And money isn't everything. It sounds like you've had everything. You could go out. I understand. She doesn't have anything i understand that surely like surely i don't know how it works when you're not married but surely you'll have to contribute towards the

kids yeah to the kids but she is unfortunately you were not entitled to anything especially the house unless you have made a significant financial contribution to it which you obviously haven't because you don't have a job i would say that like just like you're 40 you're still young like get out get out i think you know you know you want to leave i think you just needed to get it out and be like here's someone else say it yeah keep us updated please all keep us updated i feel like we went through a stage where people were sending us um second like updates can you please send us updates if we've ever shared your story and you have an update for us we want to hear them okay this one this one is called hookers

whilst carrying his baby i've been with my partner eight years by this point when i discovered that i was pregnant a happy planned pregnancy as we were also on route getting married and i couldn't be happier we had everything a beautiful baby go on the way a gorgeous home life was good at 12 weeks pregnant my girlfriends took me for a sober hen do at a nice restaurant our wedding was three days away at this point and after a beautiful lunch with friends i got home and noticed that his iWatch was flashing he had only recently purchased it therefore didn't understand whatever was on his iphone was syncing with his watch that was laying on the kitchen side call it gut instinct but something told me to look never Never ignore your gut.

Oh my God. It actually makes me feel really nervous reading it. Yeah, don't you love when they just leave things lying around? So careless. So careless. Call it gut instinct but something tell me to look. And luckily, he used the same pin for everything and I was in. Do you know what they always do?

They always use the same passwords and the same pin. They're so sick. Their brains can't take it. Their brains can't handle more than one pin. Yeah. And then they don't change the pin even when they've been caught. Because they're really smart like that. Oh dear.

Anyway. Do you know what? We always go on about how like men are pigs and this, that and the other. Maybe women are too, but just hide it better. Well, yeah. And we don't hear as many. many guys we want more messages from male listeners as well we want to hear about i do reckon that women hide affairs better than men i don't know a woman who's had an affair so i can't pass because she's hiding it yeah because she's no but i yeah i do think i think if if i wanted to have an affair i, maybe it's a hard comment to say unless you're in it,

but I think I'd be good at hiding it. I wouldn't do stuff like that. Well, especially now because we do this. Don't worry, I'm not having an affair. I mean, I don't even have a relationship. There, I found a handful of messages to different prostitutes, arranging to meet them at various times of the day, whilst also at work, Oh, stingy manhole. 75 for a blotter.

I'll give you 50. Hold on. Oh my God. Are you going to get married? She's pregnant. And she's pregnant. Oh my God, she's in the get married. She's pregnant. And she's pregnant. Oh, my God. She's in the early days.

She's 12 weeks pregnant. She's really excited. She's just going to get married. Three days before her wedding. Oh, that actually makes me feel ill. Right. Frantically checking the dates and soon realising it, that was after I found out I was pregnant,

dating only two weeks prior. I called him at work to say the wedding was off. He rushed back and denied all of it. But after reading him a message... Sorry, I can't bear the denial. Why lie? This actually really pisses me off, right? When people get caught and they outright lie to you and deny it,

when you're sat there with physical evidence in your hand, like... Relatable. Relatable. Relatable. lie to you and deny it when you're sat there with physical evidence in your hand? Like... Relatable. Relatable. Relatable. Who's this then? Have someone hacked your email? Did someone hack your email and book your hotel room?

Okay. Someone created an account for you. Oh, you're sweet. And took all your photos because you were obviously just so good looking they wanted to pretend to be you. Someone hacked your phone and they intruded your number. Oh my God, someone put condoms

stuffed in the back of your wardrobe and your colleagues at work are so funny that they slipped your rucksack. I could go on and on and on. Right. On and on and on. And it goes on and on and on. Right.

That was fun. That was cute. Should I carry on going? If you want to. No, because now it's going to get too much. Oh, and, and your messaging. But your s***. I'll put that up.

I'm scared right anyway where was I I don't know here we go excited I called him at work to say the wedding was off

he rushed back denied it all but after reading him a message stating he was outside and needed to be let in he knew there was no getting out of it

at 12 weeks pregnant I was extremely confused vulnerable and had to make a 48 hour decision yeah it's very time-backed, isn't it? Oh! He begged me to marry him, pleading that he was sorry. Feeling shameful, I went ahead with the wedding. Don't feel shameful. I felt like a hostage that day and cried on the way to the wedding. Oh, my God, that literally breaks my heart.

Some time went on and my beautiful daughter was born. But as soon as she came into the world, I knew that it wasn't going to work. How could I raise a strong woman knowing I was accepting behaviour like that? Guys, the energy today, guys. The energy. Yes. Set an example. Damn right.

Right. We parted when she was nine months old soon after. Multiple people approached me with knowledge of multiple indiscretions that I never knew of. Having to co-parent with this man who stole my life was devastating. For around a year after, I found it hard to manage my emotions. However, after some work on myself to understand the problem wasn't me, absolutely, I am now happy again. She is amazing and I have a beautiful new man

who I never doubt. He has a new girlfriend, but I would love to know if she knows the truth. He keeps her way out of my reach, so I assume not. Wow. Good for you though. And someone just being so empowering and just i'm loving the energy yeah

and you know what like don't beat yourself up guys when you stay or you know you just like that you'll find the point and it's different for everyone i mean we're two really good examples. Like, you stayed for years longer and I didn't. I knew you were. And I knew my words. But you know what? We all get there in the end, hopefully. And yeah, no, we've loved those emails. Thank you so much for sending them all in.

Should we do a little confession of the week? I feel like we need like a music thing to like, like a theme song. A theme song for confession of the week. Confession. This is my confession. Just been a... Says she'd go one on the way.

Okay, this is interesting. It's called Confession of the the week my father-in-law okay hi girls love the pod so here's my confession of the week when i was married now my ex-husband i got on really really well with his dad he was very good looking and looked just like my partner but obviously just older he was single sorry i'm feeling a bit uncomfortable he was single and i always felt like he was quite over friendly when me and my now ex-husband split up oh my god my father-in-law made a move on me what did it end up with the hand can you imagine no and just really gross and picture him like

yeah no i turned him down obviously but i have never told my ex-husband this. Sometimes when he gives me abuse, I'd love to throw it in his face, but I don't want to cause World War III. Something I'm currently keeping under the belt, but maybe one day I'll use it. Wowzers, that is a confession and a half. Oh oh it's making me feel a bit ill right i'm gonna give you an affirmation i had it's gonna be about knowing worth right guys very simple but i like it because these women today have displayed this i am worthy of love and respect preach itach it. Come on. Absolutely.

And you should be accepting nothing less than that in a relationship. Love that. Guys, thank you so much for listening. Hope you've enjoyed. And make sure if you are not already, check out our Patreon episode. There's less bleeping out. Yeah. Way more unfiltered, way more juicier.

And it's an extra episode for you a week. So go and check it out. Thank you so much, guys. Bye.