Not As We Planned - 48. Control Your Hapiness

Episode Date: June 20, 2024

Talking about the challenges of co-parenting, seeing that therapy can make all the difference and infinitely doesn’t always ruin a relationship Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode. Please make sure if you were listening to this that you go and check out our new Patreon episode. Go and find them. I feel like we've gotten a bit too open.

Also, why have me and Tash turned up wearing, was there some kind of uniform? I'm embarrassed. I mean, I've got an excuse because I'm patented, limited. Well, I came in my outfit. I went upstairs and didn't know what you put on. How weird. Anyway, we're literally dressed as twins today.

But yes. We look like criminals. We are. Make sure what we spoke about at Patreon, yeah, incriminating stuff we've shared. So don't miss out. Also, if you have emailed us in, we may be sharing your story on Patreon.

So go over to our Instagram and sign up. There's loads of... Guys, as well, I understand like subscribing to something, like it sounds like a big expense, but you work at literally a pound a week. That's like not even a coffee. Yeah. That's like, I don't know,

put one pound less in your petrol a week. That's us. Love that. And that's a good way of doing it. You couldn't even notice. So worth it. And of course, always share subscribe like follow get we have noticed some really lovely reviews there's so many share them they they literally like make my heart burst so thank you and the ones like if you

can do it on apple that would be amazing anyway um should we have a little catch up this week? Yeah, we can catch up. Go on. I think I just wanted to share, let's start this off with a positive mindset. I'll say, yeah, because I'm coming in with quite the negative. Okay, fabulous. I'm here for it. I'll start and then we can go downhill from there. So it was two years ago,

two days ago, that I asked for a divorce. And this time last year, think like we know the first are always quite like it's that weird feeling you don't love them anymore so why are you sad but then you think of all these things and you signed up for a life together absolutely and it's also going to be our meant to be our 10 year wedding anniversary on Saturday as well. So I've been in like a really like reflective place. And like I mentioned on Patreon, I looked back at some old conversations around the time that we split up. I don't know why I did it, but it actually made me feel really empowered because seeing the person that I was two years ago and I was genuinely begging for the bare minimum and to what I am like now and the person I feel like I've become, I just feel like I've really turned a corner I've been concentrating so much on my heartbreak that I've been going through over the last few months that I haven't stopped to reflect on how proud I should be about how long I've come

in these two years I think it's really easy to put yourself down and be like oh another relationship that's not worked and feel like you've gone backwards but no if I hadn't done the work that I've done I actually wouldn't have walked away from a relationship that I've just ended. That is so true, yeah. You would have accepted. I would have accepted things that, like, my needs weren't met, his needs weren't met.

And that's important. Absolutely. And as great as he was as a person, we weren't good for each other. And I just think, do you know what? Like, I'm doing so well. I'm now in... Thank you. I'll thank you very much. I i'm genuinely like finding myself and feeling happiness on my own that's big for you yeah because you have been

like yeah i do rely on like external things and people and yeah i don't know i just feel like again you should feel proud I'm very aware that I may not feel like this all the time who feels great all the time no one but I don't know I just think that I'm now really good uh yeah yeah I'm I'm loving it so now I'm coming in me down do you know what it is I've had a really fucking hard week and actually sorry I got here no I've done it to you numerous times overnight so hey bags a bit um actually in the car on the way here my mum called me you know when someone asks like how are you like how are you really and I i've i have always been someone who deals with things on

my own um that's not actually a healthy way it's not and i know that and actually i'm working on it um i don't know what it is i i have a habit of letting things build up to a point where everything bubbles over the top and then it feels too much and that's the only way I can describe it this week I think it's like it's not even like pinpointing one thing that's happened it's a combination of things that have been building and building and building and I think like I think the thing that's in it over the top this week is my kids are coming back struggling after they've been away from me and I'm feeling that worse and worse at the moment and I'm finding when they're coming back they're attaching to me which I love and we're trying to like reconnect but I feel

like Theo in particularly is suppressing his emotions at his dad's and when he gets back to me he lets it all out and he is shaking shaking

and he used to be like that at nursery. Like he used to be amazing at nursery and he'd come back and I'd be the one. And I know they say like, they let it out with the person they feel safe with. And whilst that's a really nice feeling, it doesn't change how fucking hard it is. Yeah. And I've had a really challenging,

challenging week with him. And then I feel like I've been shouted and I feel like I've been shouting grumpy and miserable mum and then I've just felt like a really bad mum this week sorry I'm gonna just take a sec I don't want to cry this episode but I've cried so much about this this week i feel like i've been a shit mom i feel like i think it's really hard when you're splitting your kids and we spoke about it a couple of episodes ago about being the default parent being the person who takes on everything and i think that's that has ultimately caused me to feel this way I think I have felt responsible for everything like fucking ridiculous things and

sometimes I sit there and I'm like why is it always on me like why is this down to me like it's too fucking much and that's where I've got to and so then I felt like I've shouted this week that's not the parent I want to be and then I have this enormous fear that because I'm being a shouty parent I'm the one reinforcing the boundaries I'm you know enforcing whatever it is he's not going to want to live with me and then he's going to want to live with daddy and his girlfriend's going to want to live with daddy and his girlfriend and that's why he wants to be and i know that's like a self-destruct mode like my boyfriend said to me you're in self-destruct mode and i just had a percent was just said that

he lets out all his emotions at you i know safe space i know you've got to hold on to i know i think it's really easy and i kind of guess i want to normalize this because I'm sure I'm not the only parent who feels like this but I feel like they get to go to daddy's and they get to do all the fun shit and I'm sorry I'm not trying to insult anyone who has their kids at the weekend and say it's not parenting but it is just not the same as doing the nitty-gritty of a week's routine when you're trying to get the kids to school and to nursery on time whilst trying to juggle your own work and the housework and the washing and I don't know it's just it's been a build-up of little little things that have really fucking bothered me and I'm actually fed up of keeping my mouth shut and keeping it in because actually ultimately it's not fair they are kids too. And I think we need to stop just accepting that this default parent is responsible for everything.

Why can't people step up? Do you know what I think is really frustrating? And I really get it. We spoke about it, about, you know, that mental load being like 90, 95% on the mum. I'd say 100%. Yeah. Okay, 100%. Yeah, I really get that.

But unfortunately, if I were to try and put some of it onto him and... This is the problem. The only person that's going to end up getting let down is the kids. I agree. And that's why we do it. Yeah. And unfortunately, there isn't really,

like we've always said and it's no different when it comes to this mental load and the co-parenting, you can't force someone to do something. And that's where I'm at. And I've accepted that, but it's still fucking frustrating.

Okay. We're going on our first co-parenting holiday next week. Do you think he knows where we're staying? Yeah. Do you think he knows how we're getting on our first co-parenting holiday next week. Do you think he knows where we're staying? Yeah. Do you think he knows how we're getting there? Has he bought anything for the kids?

Does he know how we're telling them? Like, it's frustrating. The frustration is unbelievable. But you've got to accept who. I agree. No, and I agree. You know, sometimes I might make little digs here and there. I be like oh have you uh got them anything to urge isn't it we look well well like he doesn't even know what shoe size they are no do you know what I mean like so you're not alone and I know that

sometimes that doesn't help you in that moment sometimes when people are like oh you're not the only I just feel so over I feel like there's like you know when like life admin comes through and i feel like i've got a billion tabs open and none of them get closed and it's all on me and i have this finite amount of time to work to earn money to clean the house to and sometimes you've got to choose okay am i gonna have to get that work done yeah oh and that is a daily choice but then it's like, where do you come into it? Where does my wellbeing and health come in? I am bottom. And I've spoken about it before.

This week, my needs have not been met. Like, I am, I said, my mum said to me, like, how are you doing? And I was like, honestly, I'm just about holding my head above the water. And that's how I feel. And I know it's not always going to feel like this. And actually talking about it has really helped. And like, I know it doesn't help when people are like, oh, don't worry, I get it.

I'm there too. Because in that moment, you're like, I don't actually care about anyone else. I feel this way. But there is still always something very comforting. Can you imagine if you said this and I was like, I really don't understand what you're talking about. Get over it, girl. Yeah. No i and i do agree and that's why

we do share what we share one thing i will share that really helped me my boyfriend this week has been amazing and i really value that i can he gets the parenting side of it and he has his kids 50 percent of the time and his kids are older so I feel like he's been through like the shit of having kids is hard. But he said to me when he feels overwhelmed with like what he has to do, be it work or life, he writes a list and does it as priority. The most important. No, what's important and what's like essential. And then anything that doesn't

fall into that list you forget about that way so it's like and that's really helped me and it made me because i i sometimes i feel like i write a list trying to like compartmentalize things and then i look at the list and that makes me feel more overwhelmed i avoid this because i'm worried that i'm going to see how much i that's that's where i've got and then i almost feel paralyzed and don't do anything yeah and then i just it's a vicious cycle and yeah i do i yeah it's been a it's been a tough week for me it has and to get that and you know what i actually feel like i was like that last week you know and you were yeah yeah yeah and and look at me this week so it just no i know and i know that i have it's shit and today this has pushed me mum my mum said to me is there anything i can do and i've asked for help for

something which i don't do a lot of i don't ask for help and i'm just gonna be honest i don't get a lot of help from anyone i do a lot more than people probably imagine on my own um as this is another thing i think this is it it's thinking about the holidays it's when we were talking about how i'm going to record the podcast theo won't be in school milo's nursery closes he's got a child mind of one day i'm going to have both kids with me whilst i'm juggling my work which currently i use three days for in the week how am i meant to just that doesn't just exist and people are so overlooked and look we've got six weeks of the kids off of school my ex-husband's got them for

one week i had to ask for that alice is what i'm asking i think five days i think that he thinks that he's amazing yeah and it's wild isn't it but you've got to it's stuff like that i'm like but now i am gonna ask for help i'm gonna ask my mum to help me i'm gonna see if she'll have them one day a week you know even for an afternoon a week or whatever it is but it's a lot and i think it's important to normalize that as a single parent even as a parent trying to juggle the school holidays with a healthy co-parenting relationship, it still gets frustrating. We still have arguments. It's just one of those things. And hopefully in time, it does improve.

You've got to set those boundaries. You've got to work with what you can. And you've got to, like we always say, make sure you respond rather than react. And do you know what? I have been good at holding space. I really have been. And I'm really proud of how I've been good at holding space. I really have been like, and I'm really proud of how I've handled things, but I'm also quite proud of how I'm standing up for myself more

and holding my boundaries and being like, actually, this is what's happening. And I've not done that. I love that. Guys, I wanted to quickly share something with you because I just thought it was really funny. So the other day, I don't even know why, I unpaused my Hinge. You just went a little window shopping. I did a it was really funny. So the other day, I don't even know why, I unpaused my Hinge.

You just went a little window shopping. I did a bit of window shopping. I'm not on it anymore because I'm not looking for that. But then I actually thought, oh, this actually could be quite good market research for the pod. And I screen recorded some things because they just made me laugh. Like, this is what is going on on Hinge at the moment, if anyone wants to know.

Are you ready? I'm going to read a few profiles. This is Daniel, okay? He's not a bad-looking guy. Are you ready for his profile? I'm going to read it to you guys, okay? These are his prompts. My greatest strength?

Being perfect. This year, I really want to be perfect. Does anyone actually match with him? Should I match with him and offer him my be perfect discount? I just don't. It doesn't let you know anything about him. But like, yeah, it does. It lets you know that he's an absolute twat.

Yeah. So that was one I thought was hilarious. Here's another one. This is Jeremy, okay? Oh, we're revealing real names. Yeah's another one. This is Jeremy, okay? Oh, we're revealing real names. Yeah, who cares? This is Jeremy, okay? Together, this was really, really weird.

Like, don't know if this is legit, okay? Do you think this is legit? Together we could go for a coffee. I work between City, Marlbone, and Keen for daytime post work. See next prompt for more info, okay? The next bit, more info. Speak to Isabella, my ops coordinator, who is running this account. Hit her up with a coffee emoji and we'll arrange. You can also ask us anything.

Then the next bit. I hate dating apps and the swiping chats never meeting. Hopefully this new strategy will be more fruitful. And then he's put in brackets, profile written by Jeremy, chat managed by isabella i sadly actually think that's true have you ever in your life he got his like pa to run his hinge i wanted to mess can i just say like if that's not a red flag that this man can't communicate i don't know what is but i didn't know if he was being banterish or whether that's not banter. You think this is legit?

Yeah, I reckon he's like a businessman and he's like, see my PA, Isabella. What the hell? Also, you're probably fucking Isabella. I don't trust Isabella. You're fucking Isabella, Connie. Another one. Okay, and then the last one I just thought was funny. Someone wanted to match with me

and they put reasons to match, dot, dot. So I haven't matched with this person. He's sent me a photo. Thank you. So he's put here reasons to match. I shower consistently. Bare minimum. Have no cavities.

Sorry. Has he been watching our ics? Bad teeth, bad hygiene. I'm 6'5". Okay, that's what a very yikes phone is. I don't drink. I love oat milk pancakes.

Oh, you've got an allergy to lactose. I've not hit on your friends or embarrass you in public. Agree now that you're always right. And then he's put here hearts you but his name's not it's abraham maybe he knows again oh my god guys we we mentioned on uh on patreon about a catfish experience. By someone called

I've only just realised I'm too nervous. I reckon that's related. Do you think? Yeah. Anyway Okay, there's one more, okay? This is a guy's prompt. I saw it and I was like just send help and then I

paused it again you should not go out with me if oh you sent me this well boobs aren't at least a c-cup i'm a boob guy and this is important to me just being honest i think i'm gonna reply that would be me out i mean i'm an a these days i think i'm gonna reply saying you should not go out with me if your dick is less than six inches because it's really important to me that we have good sex sorry just being honest imagine i so anyway that was a little um hinge update i might unpause it again in a few weeks for a bit more no i feel like it's um it's great content maybe i should just do a bit of market research on there for you guys.

Let me know your thoughts. Send in any funny prompts, anything that you get on your dating apps. I feel like it's hilarious. Slash, that's the sad reality of dating. So, we speak a lot about really sad, terrible stuff that's happened to us and we asked for some happy endings not that kind so i'm going to share some we're going to share some today because i think it gives people hope and actually um i saw one come up as it got sent in she was like i've wanted to write in but i didn't think like you this is what you're after. We do like giving people hope because it's not... We want everything.

There's no... Yeah. Good, bad, disgusting, sexy. Send it. Okay. Guys, gals. I'm going to go for this one. My happy ending. Blue heart.

Cute. Cute. You asked for happier stories in your Instagram post so here is mine. Rocky and Patches but the plot twist i never thought i'd be lucky enough to get on a side note thank you for being a slice of

realism and strength for some of us women who have struggled got help but sometimes have darker moments despite the ray of light i'm reminded every week when i listen that i'm lucky and grateful i love that my journey i'm not going to say her name just in case, but this started two and a half years ago. I had just turned 29 and got ghosted by a man who had sold me the dream. The dates were dreamy. We had slept together and then he was gone. No explanation and I was devastated. I was used to bouncing back and trying again, but this time I couldn't.

I sank lower than ever before. Those closest around me could see it and I chose to bury it. By the January I knew I needed help so I invested in myself. I started swimming, admitted I needed some extra serotonin in tablet form and began therapy. A long journey followed and I was daunted by the prospect of turning 30 and being alone. My two best friends were in long-term relationships. I see now I was bitter of others' happiness and my emptiness. However, I downloaded Bumble at the start of December 2022, no real intention of finding the one as I truly believe I was destined to be alone.

No serious relationship for almost five years. Mindlessly swiping and I received a message from Jay. We talked all night. My smile was back. Fast forward 24 hours and we were in the pub watching England crush out the winter World Cup to France. We were both hesitant at the start, both hurt terribly in the past. Spontaneous trip to Portsmouth over that new year of 2022 and we were smitten, in love and genuinely had found my one. He is my always. Without effort or strain, he is there. I never understood the concept of a partner being your best friend, but now I realise I was trying to fit the wrong cube for the mould. It's not been easy and we've

overcome a lot of shit thrown our way. Exes, redundancy, job stress, but there's a ray of light, so to speak, in our future now. We are now living together and at the age of 31, he is a ray of light so to speak in our future now we are now living together and at the age of 31 he's a year older i know he will be my husband and father to my children if we are lucky enough regardless if that is in our path i am content and at peace with it being us two always our bubble i hope this is the happy you wanted love that like honestly yeah like that's just so nice thank you for saying that. Happy endings. Morning, ladies. Thank you so much for your podcast.

I think I'm addicted. I just listened to your latest episode and that you wanted some positive stories for next week. Just to be transparent, I don't listen because I've been through the same as you guys, but because some of my friends love them. I've also seen a family member cheat on his wife and tear the family apart,

so I've seen it from both sides. My heart goes out to you and all the other women who have been through this kind of heartbreak, but I just wanted to reassure you that there are good men out there. I've been married for nearly 14 years to the most amazing man and we have two children together. I know I might sound naive, but I'm 99% sure that he'd never cheat on me. He's kind, caring, thoughtful, pulls his weight

around the house and with the kids and still makes me feel special 16 years on from meeting him. I promise you there are some decent men out there and you will all meet the right person for you when the time is right. Trust the timings. It will be worth the pain when you're a million times happier than you were with your exes

and Carly's don't doubt what you've got now. He sounds and he and now. He sounds and his arm looks incredible. Why is that making me tear up? Hash, you've got this. Oh God, here we go. Try and enjoy just being you for the time being. I know that's not a gripping or exciting story, but have faith, ladies,

and don't settle for less than you deserve. Thank you for being our virtual besties thank you um do you know what listening to um messages like that

oh god I've got makeup on my fucking top um oh god no it's not right if it wasn't gonna cry um no my lashes are fresh they're in the lashes um Oh, God. I was not ready. I wasn't going to cry.

No, my lashes are fresh. They're really nice. My lashes. I agree with everything you said. And I think that it's actually nice to have some happy tears because these are happy tears. I think previously I'd read that and be really sad. But I know my time will come like genuinely now I'm in that headspace where I'm like I deserve it I'll get it if everyone

else can have it why can't I and I want to put that message out to people that are feeling low or shit like it doesn't have to be that way and eventually you do need to take your life like by the reins and realize that we do control our happiness yeah i know that might be really hard to accept or believe because it wasn't that long ago that i genuinely was and sometimes still am worried that I won't find that person and I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that I'd be okay if I don't find that person but what I my headspace now is I don't need to worry because I will and I want people to get to that point because what you put out you're gonna get back so thank you for that yeah I just wanted to say on that like it is so

hard when you've had your trust broken in a relationship not just the relationship in a marriage to then be with someone else who gives you all the green flags and you still doubt it and that's been something that has been the biggest battle for me over the last year and it has really only been like the last couple of months where I'm at a place where I can say I genuinely trust him and I know that sounds really bad because I've been with him over a year but a lot of my issues were weren't from him and I found it the biggest challenge to just sometimes I felt like my walls have gone down and then oh that like they'll quickly go back up again because I'm so scared of getting hurt but I think it is really important to remember like

not everyone is a shit person and there are really good people out there and I don't just hearing that just made me like feel like just enjoy it stop Stop always worrying. But it's not going to happen. And I know that. I genuinely know that. And I think maybe sometimes that's scary in itself as well. I think he said, I don't want to be naive, but I'm 99% sure he won't cheat. I don't think that's naive.

I know, hand on heart, my ex-boyfriend would never have cheated on me. You can know. Hi, hi ladies love the podcast i listen as a married woman and mum of two and honestly you have me cracking up some episodes and sobbing on others we love that married people i know i always think it's just single parents i don't know why but i do know why but writing in because you wanted some happy stories and i think this counts me and my husband have been married six years and together 10 we have two beautiful children and a host of furry babies too we had a really tough five years I would say maybe six so the entire length of our marriage really because I was having doubts in the run-up basically my

husband has an issue with alcohol and although he doesn't like the label, is a functioning alcoholic. With all the usual side effects, lies, poor behaviour, degrading language to me, etc. The full package. I won't go too much into it because that's not what the story is about. We were on the brink of separating and just living together and existing as both of us were clearly unhappy and I'd also started to seek the attention from others that I was lacking at home. However I then fell pregnant with our little boy which brought on a whole host of new emotions and we weren't sure whether we would continue with the pregnancy because of our situation. The guilt of this now when I'm in a healthier and happier frame of mind is soul eating by the way. We continued with the pregnancy and were unhappy throughout and it was a really dark period for me. But as soon as our son was born,

it was like a switch turned. He stopped drinking, completely cold turkey. I put more effort into his needs and was also able to re-enter my feminine energy. We are now six months down the line and he hasn't had a drink. He has more time and energy for our children and family and is returning to the man I met 10 years ago, if not improved. We still have huge triggers between us, but we recognize them and make more effort. Obviously, we adore our little baby boy who was the puzzle piece we didn't know we needed. And as cliche as it sounds, a baby really did save our relationship. I pray it continues because this is where I want to be I just forgot for a while I guess Joe it's really interesting because I feel like relationships definitely can go through really down times and it and it can be brought back together and I think that's the truth of it like if you are both on the same page and you both have that willingness

to also like I feel like it's absolutely vital in a relationship to have that willingness to grow together and together yeah and the fact that he's doing what he can to stay clean you're doing what you can to support him like it's being a team and I think that it's I think it's vital to be with someone that has a willingness for growth yeah and I think it's also really important to recognize every single relationship will have ups and downs and I think that is so important I don't believe that a healthy and good relationship is just a relationship where everything's good all the time because you need to know that when bad stuff happens or when you're going through harder times that you can both pull together and unite and problem solve and work through those as that

team and i actually think that's what makes you stronger and makes your love grow in different ways yeah yeah no thank you for that and we really hope that it's nice to have a different perspective of like a happy ending you know know, something a bit more challenging. Yeah. Should we do one more? Okay. So this one's called Happy Ending. I've been thinking about writing him for a while, but didn't think you'd be interested.

So when you asked us some happy stories, I thought I'd send you mine. Me and my partner have been together for eight years. We fell pregnant accidentally after three years together. Our daughter was born and he was the most incredible dad. present very hands-on helpful around the house however towards me he's never been the most affectionate person he was never horrible but wasn't very overly nice to me either we got into the typical pattern of just working parenting and just existing in the same house not really feeling like we were in a relationship he wasn't really bothered about having another child but I really wanted a second and he agreed he didn't want our daughter to be the only child and luckily we fell pregnant quickly this is when the problems escalated

he wasn't interested in the pregnancy didn't want to talk about the baby just kept mentioning how hard it would be he was still amazing towards our daughter and around the house throughout all of this just felt extremely distant towards me which was extremely tough as there was a few complications and I felt like I was going through it alone. Our second child was born and for the first few weeks I really felt he loved me again and we were back to being good but this didn't last long and we were arguing more and more. I was breastfeeding our second child and I felt like he had no interest in him, just our old child. He later admitted he struggled to bond with him. It all came to head after months of constant arguing and trying to resolve our problems.

I asked him to leave and he left with no arguing. When we spoke the next day, we agreed to go to a relationship counsellor. He was reluctant, but the person that was recommended didn't have space for eight weeks, so we just tried our best to get along until then. I didn't feel like counselling would work for us as he rarely speaks about his emotions and if I tried to bring anything up he would just shut down. To try and cut this down a bit all I can say is the relationship counsellor has changed our life. We are both much more affectionate, respectful to each other and there is just so much love in the house. We had around eight sessions in total but it helped us both feel understood and see things from other points of view. He is

the most incredible dad and partner who always puts all our needs above his own. I was really sceptical that it wouldn't last. 18 months later and we are happy as ever. Now engaged and I can't wait to be his wife. In our case there was no cheating or anything major that happened. I just feel like we fell out of love with each other and lost each other in the fog of parenting and life i hope this gives someone some hope out there that things can improve and you can get your relationship back if you both really want it and that is it it's they both wanted it and you know what's so nice is when they were going through all that, like that very like mundane, like not really showing affection.

That's where the weak men and women stray. Yeah. They did it. Yeah. They fought for it. They came back together and look what they've got. And look what you could be. I never hear about positive like relationship therapies. I think because in my own situation,

it was when you're going, it's like, it's all'd never been but i went yeah you weren't damage had already been done yeah and i was holding on for dear life and he lied his way through it and he lied his way through it so this is just so nice and refreshing because i think that i also think like any therapy sometimes people see therapy as a bit of like a taboo subject like oh god if they're going to therapy like is it really worth it like oh if you need to go to therapy then your relationship isn't worthy but actually like no one is taught how to be in a relationship no one is taught how to deal with conflict in the best way for not just yourself but the other person and actually there is so much that I've learned in my therapy that I wouldn't

know and I wouldn't know how to bring certain things into a relationship and to the table to sort it out without my therapy I'm not suggesting that everyone in a relationship should go to therapy but i think there's something actually that is so great about it to improve a relationship because we're not taught these things no like it's like becoming a i think it depends on like the kind of communication you have in a relationship i'll tell you why but in my marriage therapy would have massively helped because I didn't have the tools to not that I couldn't communicate my needs but I don't feel like as a couple we had the tools to be able to articulate those conversations and there be a purpose or it be heard or that kind of thing the relationship I'm in now and I don't

know if this has only happened because we'd both been in marriages that have broken down and we've both done the reflection as to why and we've both taken lessons but I feel like from the outset we've always and not always communicated the best but I feel like we're both open to that growth of the communication. And, you know, like particularly at the start, my way of communicating was probably quite accusatory. Whereas now I'm way more conscious and I feel like I'm learning how to communicate those things better. And I feel like it's so dependent on the person you're going through these things with in terms of how you can grow and make those improvements i love the fact that you've done this together it shows that solidarity that you are a team and it's just so refreshing to hear a really positive outcome of something yeah like you say where people could have strayed

that really normal like do you do you know what I mean? Yeah, life changes. How the cheating starts, it is that lack of intimacy. Lack of excitement. And you're doing that every day Monday and he goes to work, you're with the kids, it's not affection, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then people just make bad choices. They get their dopamine hits them up.

It tarnishes the foundation. So I'm so happy for you. Like, this is so lovely. And this is a sort of example of fighting for a relationship when it's never going to be all roses and daisies. Do you know what I mean? And that's the reality of life. Rather than just running away at the first hurdle you face it together absolutely so i love that

okay let's finish with a confession of the week we've actually got someone that's emailed in and they've put happy ending concession okay are you ready um hi girls love the pod you said that you wanted happy ending so i wanted to share mine slightly different because there's something that i did within my relationship that wasn't good and although this is my confession he now knows about it and was stronger than ever me and my husband who had been together for 10 years were at first perfect but once we had three children things just got very mundane. I mean cool we literally just said that. Very normal. My neighbour a few doors down is someone that I used to know. He was very attractive. He was married too. We bumped into each other and he started giving me attention that I felt like I was really lacking

at home. I'm never condoning this sort of behaviour but I've got to be honest the dopamine hit that I got from him really made me feel special. It also made me realise that I just wasn't happy in my relationship. Cut a long story short we did start talking and I guess you could say we had what one would call an emotional affair. Eventually I realised that this wasn't the right thing that I wanted to do, and I didn't want to break my family apart. I told my partner, and luckily for me, he was really understanding because he realized that he wasn't giving me what I needed, and I wasn't giving him what he needed. We ended up going to therapy. It was the best thing that we ever did. Two years on, and we've never been better. I know a slightly different confession but my confession is that I did in theory cheat but I was honest told my partner and we are now better than ever

and I'm so grateful for him for putting it aside and us realizing that we are actually amazing together thanks girls keep doing what you're doing love the pod well do you know what like like we've always said you can come back from things and i think that her honesty probably really helped he didn't find it out from someone else more capture she came forward and like we've always said is showing that remorse it's it takes two is someone being able to let it go and not hold a grudge or hold it against them. And I actually really respect that he took some responsibility for it. Like knowing, like owning, like, you know what? We're not good.

I kind of see why you're not good. I'm nodding to your knee. Yeah. So thank you for that. Guys, we loved this week's episode. Thank you for listening. I'm going to give you an affirmation. Do it.

You will get your happy ending you deserve I will you will affirm it believe it and so will you and you and you and you

and what's that and you and you and you you're gonna love me no is that an answer it rings a bell

but I don't know if the tune's right. Anyway, I'm tone deaf. Thank you, guys. Love you so much. Bye. See you next week.