Not As We Planned - 49. Can Women Really Have Casual Sex?

Episode Date: June 27, 2024

We discuss the coparenting holiday, the fuck buddy dilemma when dating a walking red flag, how many chances you should give before it’s time to leave and we talk about having a partner with an addiction problem Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly, and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea, or a glass of wine, and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hello! Hello, hello, hello! Welcome back to another week's episode before we get started. Guys, Patreon, go sign up, we've got five episodes out there now and they are, if I don't say so myself, they're pretty good.

You don't really want to miss them. They're juicy. They really are. Another thing that we actually want to let you guys know, we have tried our best to avoid this. We've never had a break. We've not ever done seasons and had a break because we want to be able to give you weekly content. However, we have really struggled with our schedules

for the summer holidays. We are also single mums trying to juggle life and kids being on holiday. And also the clashing. Yeah. So basically, August, there will be no episodes, but there will be Patreon episodes. So even if you want to join just for the one month, it's only £1. Just so you still get that weekly fix. Apologies for the people that wanted two lots of doses.

But yeah, there's no way around it. It's not as we planned, isn't it? It's not as we planned, but we will come back in't it it's not as we planned but we will come back in september with a fucking bang anyway should we get going yeah have a little catch up so obviously i've just come back from my co-parenting disneyland experience she's so i've maybe gone a bit gray but other than that no honestly it it was amazing like just you know what it's like seeing your kids experience that like it it made me emotional like it's magic i think that for me being a disney lover anyway like i watched disney before i had kids i like i love disney i went to disney on my hen so disney is like did you yeah well that went well don't do dis Disney on my hen. So Disney is like, did you? Well, that went well.

Don't do Disney on your hen. Disney, divorce. Disney, divorce, death. Very uplifting this morning, guys. No, I think it's always been a dream of mine to take children, I thought this before I had them, to Disney. It's amazing. It was just so nice. Look, it was as good as it was ever going to be.

It was what I expected. We were fine. We had occasions of, like, digs and little arguments here and there. I need to check he's got his belt on the rise. We can leave his open. He's fine. Look, it was what I expected in the respect that I needed to set my expectations and be realistic

and not expect too much from him because I didn't get much when we were together, so I'm not going to get much when we're not. I think the good thing about a co-parenting trip being Disney is it's so full-on and go go go that we didn't really have much time to like pause and be like so how you doing do you know what I mean like it was very much like you got on that ride with them I'll go there I'm going to get them food oh my god keep hold of them right let's go on the next ride go go go go go and then we get back he did bath every night when so like I think the first night when he did bath I unpacked then like the second night he did bath I think I walked to the shop to get more food because we were staying in a house and then the last night when he did bath I packed so it like

we it just confirmed to me we work well as a team with the children. And that's as far as it goes. A lot of people asked me on my stories, did it bring back any feelings or memories? I can quite honestly say all it did was confirm to me that I'm just so happy. It's not me with him. Yeah, no disrespect to him. Just, yeah, I'm so happy that it didn't have that effect i didn't

ever think it would and also what's really great is it didn't it hasn't confused the kids at all they have not asked or mentioned one thing they didn't even say anything about the fact like how come we're together nothing there was like no they were like young though aren't they yeah like if they were maybe older they'd be like like, oh, so what's going on here? Yeah, or like they might like think into it. Maybe that means mum and dad are getting back together. I think you're quite lucky they're still so young. Yeah, like we got back and there's not been any mention of it at all.

Like there's been like talk of Disney, but nothing to do with like me and him. So look, for anyone thinking about doing it, if you think that you can stay amicable enough in the trip, because I'd never want to do it and then give that toxic vibe. Like, that wouldn't, that would be pointless. That's why, like, for me, there's zero appeal because I feel like... You don't get on. We don't get on. I mean, when I think back to holidays, when we were married, they were stressful.

And, like, stressful and like anyway. Yeah. Like I can't imagine that being any better. And like, the thing is, I'd only ever want a trip to be positive for my kids. And if I felt uncomfortable, I feel like my kids would absorb that. So they don't.

Yeah. No, I don't. I don't even aspire to ever get there. I mean, there was one thing that happened in the middle of the night where I was like, oh God, I don't miss this. So it was a four bedroom house. He was sleeping in

a room and then Rome was in the room with him Blake and Ivy had a room and then I was upstairs they were on the same floor and I was upstairs so he didn't use the fourth bedroom so it felt like mean for like Rome to be on his own um and Blake always wakes up in the night and he woke up screaming and I woke up and I was like waiting to see if there were any footsteps I was like cool and then I suddenly started hearing Rome cry too so I ran downstairs luckily I was dressed ran downstairs and Rome had woken up Blake had woken up it had woken Rome up in the other room and he was sleeping next to James and Rome had come out of the room because he wasn't in a cot come out of the room was just standing in the hallway crying so I dealt with both of them put Rome back to bed while James was just snoring

and it was like what cool I I woke up from upstairs there's a child screaming like next to you and he's like dead to the world i think he was probably faking it he's probably like that oh no she did it i forgot this was a patient oh no why ticks yeah i'm just oh no i'm not your mama. I talk about her. You want to talk about her. I love that little thing. Your mama's so fat.

She says, Nikois. Anyway, so that was my update. It was really magical. And would I do it again? No, because... Really, I hated every fucking thing. The only reason why I won't be doing it again is because the next time I take my kids to Disney,

I'll be going with my new partner. Hell yeah. Yeah. Manifest that shit. All right. How are you? Oh, I feel like I'm so negative at the moment. I'm just really struggling at the moment.

Last week, Milo wasn't that well. He was up literally every hour of every single night. And it was worse than newborn days. And I felt that accumulation, no sleep, having no recovery, having to work in the day and then he'd be so clingy and needy in the day and then he couldn't go to nurse and like whatever it was and I had that managed to recuperate a little bit at the weekend because it was my weekend without the kids so I was like right new week new headspace like we're going into a flat I was really

motivated not to let that like suck me saying it's really easy sometimes when you've had a bad week to feel sorry for yourself and just carry on and like a bit of a vicious cycle and I was really I was yes new week sitting there get him the most productive Monday morning get a phone call from Milo's childminder he's not himself you need to come and get him he kept falling asleep but he'd been up all that night because on the way back to my house on Saturday evening at 10 to 6 he'd let him have a nap in the car um so he was up half the night like he literally couldn't he was wide awake at midnight so obviously he was really tired on the Monday so he kept falling

asleep and then he had a really bad stomach turned out he just needed a massive poo um and it was just one of those real big frustrations again who is it that has to stop their work and change plans I had an appointment that you can't take kids to so I had to cancel that for the second time because the last time I had to cancel it was when I turned up at Theo's school and didn't realize it was a insert day and I couldn't take Theo so it's two appointments I've cancelled now um I called his dad because I thought you know like I have done every single one he didn't pick up his phone and the message saying what's up so I messaged him and let him know and I haven't heard from him since um so it's just been a real frustrating week turns out Milo was fine but it was things like that that were really really bothering me sorry I feel like all I've done is like attack

recently but I just think it's very apparent that I don't have a lot of support and it is really frustrating for the people in that situation anyway Tuesday comes and I can feel my headspace getting worse and worse. And I'm thinking, you need to sort this out. And I'm really proud of myself. I've handled this because I find when I'm in a bad headspace, I'm normally really snappy with the kids. My patience is short. Like if one of them does something unkind like hurts the other one. I'll shout way quicker. And this week I really wanted to be a better mom because I felt like I've been that shouty on edge, like temperamental shit mom.

And yeah, we've just had a really positive week with the kids. I'm glad. Things like, I've spoken a lot about like the overwhelm of being a single parent, the overwhelm of the load of it all. And I thought to myself, what can I do to alleviate some of that? So it was actually Theo who gave me the idea. He saw me washing up. He was like, mummy, can I do that? I was like, yes, I'm going to teach you how to wash up.

So yesterday evening, we all stood. He washed up. Then he was like, mummy, can I help with something else? It feels really nice to help. And was like oh this is brilliant started cleaning not that i'm doing child labor but um but yeah they were cleaning like the sides and then next week i'm going to come here and both your kids are going to be like with mop soops like mopping the floor probably but then they're like we all cleaned downstairs together and i went went to put them to bed last night set my little robot hoover off

and i came down i was like this is so much better that that pressure isn't all on me yeah and like i made a really big fuss over the like i made a really big deal to him i was like theo like i can't tell you how to him I was like Theo like I can't tell you how much that helped me like did it feel nice to help mummy he's like and then he said something so cute like he kept giving me cuddles last night like kept coming out he's from mummy one more thing one more thing and then he goes mummy it makes me happy when you're happy just like I know it gets you in but and he is is very observant and aware of other people's feelings. So we've spoken about it today.

And I'm going to try and really stick with that and get them involved. Because also, I think it's really important, not just as a single parent, but any parent, to upkeep a house is a lot. It's a lot. I need to get my kids tidy up. No, because I don't just want my kids to think they wake up every morning, they down to a tidy house with clean plates and you know clean cups and everything's put away and mummy gets out the cupboard like it doesn't just exist that way yeah it's really important and particularly raising boys these are going to be someone's husbands maybe later on in life i want them to contribute to the household i want them to understand the way i want them to have this

viewpoint it's not just a woman's job to look after a house maintain it all and i really am trying to tell a channel that into my kids at the moment for them to i used to do everything when they'd go to bed and i think it's important they see the hard work it takes to have a house and maintain that so yeah just end in the week positive yeah positive husband and like that. So, yeah. End of the week positive. Yeah, positive. And that's it. Even his behaviour this week, I've been really trying,

every time he does something really positive to reinforce, and then last night he messed up and bit Milo on the face. And I thought there was a part of me that was going to just be like, why have you done that now after everything? And instead, I made him come and look at the mark he'd left. And I was like, how do you think that makes me feel?

How do you think that makes Milo feel? And wanting to experience that empathy. And it was one of the first times that he's really stubborn and won't say sorry, but I could see he meant it. And I'm really trying to get him to understand sorry isn't just a word it's a feeling yeah I but I also say to my kids like sometimes they'll do something and straight away they'll be like sorry I'll be like I don't need you to say sorry I want you to understand

that what you did isn't right and I just don't want you to do it again yeah sorry is just a word I said to him like do you know what everyone. I said, even grown-ups make mistakes. We don't always get it right. And sometimes we bubble up and we explode and we react in a way we don't actually think is the right thing to do. But I said, you need to understand that you need to think about that and think about how that makes you feel. And next time we're going to try and do better. It's like things like, yeah, like just trying to teach them that at the moment. So a much more positive, good, I'm glad.

And should we dive into some emails? Do it. Okay. Fuck buddy help. Ooh, everyone loves a little fuck buddy. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm a born again version.

Hi, ladies. I've just discovered your podcast. Where you been, girl? We've been having. Absolutely loving it. I'm a divorced single mom, five plus years, and relate to so much of what you talk about. I have a slight dilemma.

To be honest, I know what I need to do, and that's move on, but I'm struggling. I recently decided to get back onto the apps and very quickly match with my ex's very good looking neighbor. Oh, risque. I'm talking turned body, six pack, gorgeous face, the lot. My ex has previously hooked up with my son's teacher after we split and i found it super painful and since then i have this thing about not shitting on your own doorstep and yet i've gone against my own well no you're not shitting on your doorstep you're shitting on this i'm here for it i get it i get it you just don't want drama do you i feel like when you've gone through like a divorce and like a big break like a smooth sailing i just want an easy fucks i do easy life just being a van i said

something last night i was on the phone to my boyfriend and then i was saying how milo and i had been for um like a scone and um a cup of tea at the garden center and i was like we should go one day they do a cup of tea in the scone for five pound 95 and he was like, we should go one day. They do a cup of tea and a scone for £5.95. And he was like, you sound like such an old woman. I was like, that's all I want, just to be an old woman.

You go and have a cream tea. I love a scone. I love a scone. I'm happy you say scone and not scone. I'm not deluding. Right. I met up with a neighbour

for a drink a month ago and since then we've been having regular amazing sex during the daytime because we both work from home he literally comes over we have wild sex and he leaves 20 30 minutes later i've loved how casual it's been and it's been a while since i felt someone enjoying my body in this way that said this guy is an absolute walking red flag. I'm on my own. He openly admits he thinks he's a sex addict,

I suspected. He sent me a lot of dick pics, videos, and pictures of his body, which, although is fun in a conversation, I do find quite cringe. And I have no doubt he has a roster of women and always on the lookout for his next fling. We've spent a couple of evenings

together during the last month and he's actually very boring and dull. And doesn't seem to have much of a life. I actually feel sad for people like that. I don't.

It sounds like he's enjoying himself and likes what he does. I feel like you get to an age surely that's just not fulfilling. I feel like some men just don't. I think you're going to want to settle down. I fulfilling. I feel like some men just don't. I think you're going to want to settle down.

I agree. I agree. He doesn't have much of a life so I was happy with the arrangement as it was and not interested in him in any other way. I guess that makes it easier if you're like, he's boring. Yeah, like if he was taking all these flats. It'd be annoying if you were having great sex.

He was really funny and like... But you were worried he was going to hurt you. At least then you can kind of detach, I guess. He also lied about his height, don't they always? And age. He said he was 5'9". He's actually 5'5". That's quite a bit different.

And said he was near 40. And I found out he's 50. I'm 37. Although, again, not bothered as he's so good looking and great in bed. It's pretty much cooled off now and I'm struggling with him not wanting me anymore. When we hooked up in the daytime, it was usually over lunch and yesterday I was driving home from the shops at around that time and passed his car near where he lives. It's very close to mine as obviously he lives right near my ex. He looked like he was coming home from somewhere. He could have been

coming back from anywhere but I've convinced myself he's sleeping with someone else now also during the day. I'm actually glad I saw him as it's made me kind of disgusted at the thought of him doing that so quickly with someone else. I last saw him Saturday night when I booty called him. I actually feel great that I've secretly stuck two fingers up to my ex and feels like a revenge for what he's done to me as I know if he ever found out about this, he would be upset. Him and the neighbour used to be friends up until a year ago. Also, it's given me great body motivation

and I'm the slimmest and healthiest I've been in years. But I'm just struggling with the fact it's over and done with and I'm too stubborn to ever reach out to the neighbor again as I hate the thought of being ghosted. Also it's very likely I'll see him in passing again over the years when I'm dropping the kids off with my ex and I was adamant I didn't want a messy situation. It's been a confidence boost and a confidence knock all wrapped in one and it makes me worry for how much I struggle with rejection and how I'll cope in future situations. Please help me. How do I move with rejection and how I'll cope in future situations. Please help me.

How do I move on? A few things I want to say. First of all, I think it's really great that that experience has helped with your confidence because it does. I feel like sometimes we need someone like that to boost us sexually and like with our kids. Well, like when you've when you've had kids and you've been married or in a long-term relationship and then that relationship comes to an end like for me one of the big scary things was oh my god someone's gonna see my postpartum yeah body which is different yeah that how it used to look yeah and i always say to my to my boyfriend like i'm really sad you never got to see my good boobs like you've got these really saggy, horrible boobs I'm really conscious of.

But it's a big deal, I think, anyway, for a lot of women struggle with body confidence. But I think even more so when you're a mom. You never think anyone's going to see you naked again. Yeah. But I think one thing that I want you to take from that you know how you said um like the rejection and you feel like a bit like crap that maybe he's like ghosted you and gone and found someone else i think you need to really try and remind yourself what he brought to the table and what he's unable to bring to the table like he was boring he lied about his age and his height so he's a liar

he's a sex addict got a sex problem so the likelihood is he probably is sleeping with someone else but i think you need to take like take the wins that you've got from him and actually maybe use this as an experience to learn how to detach from someone that isn't right for you like you don't want him anyway so you're putting yourself down thinking like he's ghosted you but you you don't want him like it worked for you now take the positives the confidence boost the good sex for a bit you're in the best shape you've ever been in and continue doing work on yourself to not feel that rejection because you don't need to feel rejected

you were never going to work you don't want to hit like I understand it's an ego thing it's like you may not want him but how come he doesn't want you he's openly told you that he has a sex problem it's never going to be more than that for him but like that type of person I'm going to say something controversial and you may or may not agree but i think this situation makes it more apparent i just don't believe that as a female we can ever just have sex with someone even though you've not got feelings him you don't want to be with him there's still something that's making it hard to peel away and it's the sense of rejection it's so there's not there's something behind it this is what i mean like i just i don't know i just feel

like i know for me as a person i could never just have sex with someone like i just i know what i'm not i'm a very emotive emotional person and yeah it's scientific well women form bonds through sex and men don't so i think that you need to just remind yourself if you need to write that list of 25 things of reasons why you wouldn't want to be with him it sounds like you can come up with a lot very easily maybe also just be wary like going into your next thing if you're thinking oh like maybe i'm just looking for sex maybe just be wary that even when you haven't got feelings or something you don't want to be with them it's still making you feel a bit rubbish is it actually worth it do you know what i mean yeah i think like take this

like look every situation ship everything is a lesson he has he's served a purpose he yeah he's built your confidence he's made you feel good about yourself. But maybe now, as you're maybe getting sort of feelings, maybe it's actually good that the line has been drawn and now channel that into yourself. It's like a bit of a wake-up call. Like, this is just sex. It couldn't go on forever.

It had to end at some point. If you don't want to be boring. You might have better sex with someone else who's not boring and then it might turn I don't know you know they say the longer you say yes to the wrong person

then the longer time you're wasting not being with the right person so thank you boy bye did your job

thanks for the orgasms on to the next yeah and also yeah like channel that confidence feel that sexy feeling like do you know what like confidence i am desirable yeah i'm desirable i'm great in bed just like have those positive thoughts whoever gets me next like i've got lucky boy experience

yeah lucky boy amen okay this is called tash and carly please read we're here to help you girl i really hope you read this as i need your advice. P.S. Love the pod at Brighton's One. You know, it makes me laugh. People actually think we give good advice. Why does that make you laugh? I give them really bad. I don't know. I think they're mad about you, but I'm a maiden. I never thought this is where my

life would take me. I know. Oh my god, look. A piece of hair. Do you want to... Hold on. If you've not watched Patreon, you won't understand, but I've just found a piece of hair and I'm just think about it if you've not watched patreon you won't understand but i've just found a piece of hair i'm just gonna put it in my pocket okay anyway part one how many times until you leave good question hon let me uh check my diary sorry it's a long one but a bit of background i met my now husband when we were teenagers and we're now 14 years on. Other than losing my mum and my best friend, suddenly in my 20s, I've had a pretty standard life that most would want. House, married, one child who is now three.

However, a lot of our relationship has been based on lies and this probably started on the very first day we met when he told me he drove and didn't. Yes, we were kids then, but still. I've always been seriously independent. I paid for my own driving lessons, bought my own car. I saved the 30 plus K deposit for the home that we own all by myself. Yes, we lived at his parents and I'd not been able to do that if we hadn't, but it was always me saving, putting in the work. I do have a good job job but that's not the point it was around this time the first big lie became apparent i found out he'd been lying to me about the job he did he won't go into detail but he lied to me for three years and i found out because

someone we know asked him in front of me if he still worked at x despite being distraught and betrayed we managed to get through this and we worked hard to qualify in a trade and get a decent job to prove himself. He worked hard though. Seeking out mortgage advice to purchase our first home a few years later, I then found out he had a credit card behind my back with around 6k on it he hadn't told me and was so embarrassed that this was brought up during a credit search by the bank it was hideous and we ended up delaying moving out so he could pay everything back I'm glad you made him pay it back and like deal with his consequences rather than you bailing him out because I think that's a lot of mistake people make

we started afresh and eventually not long long after, I lost my mum. We got our first home and it was the best day of my life. We then got engaged and married and I fell pregnant with my son. Everything seemed perfect. Then around six months into maternity leave, I found out that he got us into nearly 20 grand debt. He'd been buying clothes, shoes, spending money on credit cards like it was cash as you can imagine I was broken on little to no money myself at the time I felt so out of control and betrayed I'd had

the roughest time breastfeeding and adapting to being a new mum in Covid with no help and no mother of my own and never felt more alone fast forward just over two years and we'd worked through it we'd paid off most of the money with help from his family. Hugely embarrassing for me. I never asked to solve for a penny and always worked my arse off for what I have. We ended up paying some of the debt with some money from the house, again so disappointing and infuriating. though things have seemed to get back on track and when I asked him open questions about money he would always answer me straight and direct and wasn't defensive. We were happy and enjoying our son growing up. Then around six months ago he got a letter through the door and he was super shady about it. I asked him and he gave me some story about when his card was due renewal and I swallowed it but my gut told me otherwise. That night I even looked through the bins to see if it was there and it wasn't. After a few conversations over the course of the week it

transpired that he had spent another 12 grand. He'd even hid brand new items he bought. He said he thinks he's got an addiction to buying things. That aside who does this to their family again? I spent the last seven months trying to build my trust for the third time. It's been so hard and I have zero respect at this point. In his defense he's tried so hard this time, joined virtual spending addiction groups and has had a few counseling sessions but it's dwindled off and the motivation isn't there. He is open about his money and offers me to look at his bank but I refuse to wipe his ass for him. Good for you. Why should I monitor a grown-ass man's money? Sorry this is so insane. I've coped for these

last few months by trying to get comfortable with the fact that this is not in my control and it is his issue and he needs to deal with it. It's important to know that other than this our relationship is everything one could want. We never argue. Our sex life has always with it. It's important to know that other than this our relationship is everything one could want. We never argue. Our sex life has always been amazing. He's a great dad but over the last two months I've not been able to stop reflecting on this year so far and I've realised I don't know if I can ever get that same trust, respect and love back that was once there. My gut is telling me I need to start fresh but I'm so afraid. I also dread the thought of ruining my son's family. Part two, it gets worse.

Not so Prince charming. Midpoint of my most recent... Is it the other email? No, it's the same one. Midpoint of my most recent two-month reflection on my life around a month ago, I went out with work friends for a drink. I met someone in the group who I'd never spoken to before. He is a colleague at another establishment.

We are all professionals and I can't give more away than that because it is too obvious. Think Grey's Anatomy. Dreamy. Anyway, we instantly connected physically, emotionally, intellectually. He is so handsome and basically a dream guy. An absolute walking red flag though. Single, late 30s, the perfect job and lots of money.

No wife, kids or girlfriend. Is that a red flag? Can I have his number? Anyway, on the train home, he grabbed my hand and held it the whole way back. We said goodbye. I couldn't understand why this person had fallen into my past in my life. Fast forward a month and we've been messaging on and off quite frequently.

We've spoken once on FaceTime. It's been flirty, but he's also been so lovely and it's been hard not to catch feels. I also have to remember I'm married. However messy shit this is, he knows this too. For the last week or two, we hadn't really spoken and I felt quite sad. I had to realise that this wasn't going anywhere and I needed to realign my expectations of what I actually thought might happen. Then last weekend, the work lot went out for drinks.

I went feeling in control of the situation. We hadn't spoken for a while and I had to convince myself that he was a nearly 40 year old fuck boy and I was over it. But as the night went on he gravitated towards me and drinks were flowing. We got talking more and more and the connection was undeniable and natural. I ended up walking back to his and we kissed. This is something I've never done before. Please don't judge me. It was fucking amazing. He tried to take things further and I ended up walking out. I had the most horrendous anxiety ridden guilt for what happened. Despite this, it broke me walking away because really

what I wanted to do was stay. Since then, he's been so cold. He's hardly messaged me. He's like a different person. He told me he doesn't think we should meet anymore he said this for my benefit not his yes i know this is for the best but it fucking hurts i miss his messages him did he really cut me off for me or did his pride just get bruised when i walked out that night or did he just decide he doesn't like me i wish i knew the answers so yeah karma bit me in the ass I know I'm a dick but I'm just a vulnerable human being who had been shat on left by so many people including my best friend I married I'm just someone who wants to be loved and treated right

I've never felt so alone please help I don't really know where to start I feel like the first part I think is really hard because I do think a lot of the stories we hear, it's something like he's cheated on me. And I think this is a different kind of trust being broken in terms of the money. And I think it's a really big deal, especially when you become a family, because it's almost like they have that little respect or care for your family that they're putting you in these difficult compromising situations it's doing it behind your back and yeah it sounds like an addiction but it still doesn't excuse the behavior it doesn't excuse the behavior so I understand that obviously look you know how I feel about infidelity whether it was a kiss whether it's something more I understand in terms of you were feeling hurt and things like that and perhaps if all those other things had happened and you'd met this person it wouldn't have even gone through your

head and I think you're writing and you obviously know it's wrong and i think you what you need to sit down and do is work out what you really want do you want to sit down and put the work in with your husband and you know lay i don't know if you've tried anything like marriage counseling or anything like that but you need to just because someone does wrong it doesn't mean you doing wrong makes two wrongs don't make it right and as much as i can understand the inside justification for it i'm i'm not gonna lie you might hate me for saying it but i still think what you've done is wrong um like if I found out that my husband had even just kissed someone that would still hurt me as much as if I don't know even like I saw something the other day and it was like would like I don't know for me an emotional affair is just as bad as a sexual one it's actually part of me thinks that's worse

yeah someone forming that emotional connection with someone else because i think to form an emotional connection with someone else you have to allow that to happen that's something that's over time that's not an instant thing whereas i'm not saying like there's not one i'd prefer because either way it's shit and that trust has been broken but I think an emotional affair is one that time has has some big accountability in that and therefore that's a choice that's a conscious choice you're making every day to allow yourself to become closer to someone else and so from that side of things can i cut him yeah so i'm just sort of like processing yeah processing um first of all addiction is a tricky one because it's never

going to go away and that's something that unfortunately is a bitter pill to swallow but something someone needs to realize is addictions there's no cure you can stay clean but you are just a recovering addict and unfortunately when trust is broken with something like addiction it's something that you either need to accept and know that you'll never ever get that trust back because you won't you're not meant to trust an addict they're not trustworthy unfortunately and it sounds like he started off doing meetings and stuff and then it stopped and I think one of the really hard things about being with an addict is like you said accepting that you don't have the control that they can be the only one to decide when they want to stay clean liars are usually very much involved with addicts and I think what you really need to do is you need to I think it's actually really good that this guy has cut things off with you because the mistake that you could have made was leaving your husband because you are being almost like led down this fantasy path of something that probably isn't going to work because you don't have the same values.

Try and put that aside and you really need to work out on your own if you have a relationship to work on and that you want to work on with your husband. So you don't want to be clouded by external attention elsewhere because the likelihood is nothing good will come from that. You probably don't have the same values. He's not like husband material. I can appreciate why you feel upset about him. And that's what I was mentioning. I don't know if it was in this episode or Patreon about limerence. Yeah. Yeah, right.

So you probably feel like really strongly for him. Almost like you may feel like you love him because he is giving you what you're not getting from your husband but that is not real feelings it is that dopamine hit and please try and park that when you are trying to make a decision about what to do with your husband you need to decide whether you are willing to take on the responsibility of being with an addict because you said you don't want to wipe his ass unfortunately sometimes you do like you will need to take control of the finances you will need to be more aware that he could be lying and you also need to be aware that these things could happen again it could be two years down the line and you could

come across 50 grand more debt however on the flip the flip side, you may not. It isn't a simple work with him and stay with him. Yeah. But if you do stay with him, you've got to let go and not punish him. And if you can't do that, I've got to be honest, don't think the relationship will work very well. So sorry if that's not particularly helpful, but I think that

don't punish yourself for what you've done you know you've done wrong you feel guilt like you're human it is what it is i think you need to concentrate more on what you really truly want next in your marriage without any external distractions that would be my advice okay then do this one it's an update okay so it's an update with a happy ending okay i feel like it might be quite a nice yep especially after i feel like it's been quite heavy right hi ladies just wanted to share an update on my dating life since you last shared my story a while back. Not sure if you'll remember as it was only a quick one, but long story short, my ex went to a brothel whilst I was six months pregnant on a holiday. I remember he paid for us both to go on and left me in the hotel room.

When we came back, I put the deposit down on the house for us. Hearing you both say my story out loud really helped validate my feelings and appreciate how much I've been through. So thank you so much for everything you both do we've got goosebumps anyway after splitting up with my ex i met a man from bumble when i tell you this man has shown me a completely different side to love and how a woman should be treated it's an understatement he has been so patient with the insecurities that were left from my previous relationship he goes out of his way to show me how loved and appreciated i am and honestly makes me feel like the luckiest girl in

the world we recently celebrated my birthday and he planned the most special weekend away the thought that went into every detail was something i could have only dreamed of he has the best relationship with my daughter and i love his daughter like my own that's so cute our girls are now so close and we are spending time together as a family i never ever considered i would meet someone with a child but him bringing her into my life has just been an added bonus the most healthy loving and supportive relationship i've ever known oh i love that i obviously this is is that the end no oh but just on that like obviously i've shared like me and my partner

haven't introduced our kids yet and we are definitely verging to obviously everything that happened with my ex introducing here later and just a few factors but like I can't remember who I was talking to the other day but I remember when I had Milo and I remember thinking like I'm I'm not done like I always thought I'd have three kids I always I've always envisioned a big family and I kind of had to let go of that when my marriage ended and then I think I didn't know whether I'd want another child at some point or not and I think what actually I've realized is maybe like for me having a blended family is what I I want like I don't know I feel like I'm a very maternal person. I feel like I've got a lot of love to give.

I feel like I'm very caring. And that kind of, whilst there are obviously like, it's terrifying, like, what if they don't like me? What if our kids don't get on? And it's all those normal, normal worries. I do feel like I'm hearing so many more positive stories about how it's like you become like an added person giving them love, but also like you get to love others as well. I think the idea of a blended family is actually really nice.

Do you know how common it is? Yeah, as well. Like, yeah. Anyway. Just want to say thank you both. I started following both your accounts when I split up with my ex and it made me feel so much less alone when I was going through the hardest time of my life. Absolutely love the podcast.

It has me laughing out loud every week, especially the bad saying stories. They make me thankful I'm no longer dating and hopefully never have to again. Oh, I love that. Go you. Well done. Okay.

Confession of the week. Okay. This is called dating ghosting. I don't get it, but okay. Hi, ladies. So here's my confession of the week. I was going on a date with this guy. I was quite excited.

The vibe was really good in messages. We were meeting at a bar in Soho. Meeting at a bar in Soho. Still have blue eyes. Blue eyes. bar in Soho. Meeting at a bar in Soho. I feel really bad saying this out loud but here we go. I'll probably get my karma soon. I was on my way to the date and I believe I saw him walking from the train station. I followed him slightly behind to check that it was him. Eventually getting nearer, I realised it was him and he was so unattractive. He was much shorter than he claimed on the app, so I stood him up. I messaged him saying that something had happened and I was so sorry

and then I blocked and deleted. Oh, good lord. I know it's really harsh. I couldn't bring myself to see him. I didn't want to go on the date. And yeah, I'm waiting for my karma. Here we go. I don't know what I'd do.

Do you know what? I've got to be honest. It's a bit like them wasting an evening with someone you know. I've got to be honest. If I saw the person before the date and he was literally not for me, I don't think I'd be able to that's why like

it's face timing before a date is not normal so that's what we did I didn't you didn't? no that's the rule we spoke on the phone I think I was just so I think I was so paranoid about it

show me your legs I was trying to work out how tall he was because he like he said he was six foot one I was like is he he actually um yeah no I didn't I was so sure of him but I think if that happened to me I would probably do this I wouldn't block and delete I'm I'm not very good at ignoring people I feel so bad I probably would have made out a line I can't see it to have just gone and be like it's not I'm not very good at ignoring people. I feel so bad. I probably would have made out a line, faked it out. I'd be so busy to have just gone and be like, it's not for me,

rather than like, I feel like that. The thought of it makes me feel really... Yeah. Anxious. Yeah. Anyway, guys, thank you so much. Let's do a affirmation of yin-wei. I thought I would repeat the serenity prayer.

Okay. Because this is really, this is relevant to life, but they say this. Yeah. And like AAGA, all of those. Okay. So God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I love it. Live by it.

Repeat it. Yeah. Love you guys. Thank you so much. Go love it. Live by it. Repeat it. Yeah. Love you guys. Thank you so much. Go and follow, like, subscribe. See you on Patreon if you remember on Monday.

Bye.