Not As We Planned - 5. Trusting Again After Heartbreak

Episode Date: August 3, 2023

When trust is broken it’s hard to believe you will ever get it back. We share our experiences as well as some of yours and what we feel are the next steps in helping to feel like one day you can trust. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your

business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash aventurabusiness. Terms and conditions apply. Hey. Hi. It's Tash and Carly. And you're listening to Motherhood Not As We Planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi, guys, and welcome to another episode of Motherhood Not As We Planned. Today's episode is called Can You Ever Trust Again?

I think this is something massive, isn't it? And I think it's a really, really hard one. I know if you was to even ask me this a month or two ago, I would have said, if you was to even ask me this a month or two ago I would have said hell no I would never answer again like the thought of even contemplating ever being in another relationship I was like actually I don't ever want to be with anyone again remember you say but it's very like obviously everything's very raw and the thought of I don't know ever being able to or thinking or even considering about someone having I don't know that vulnerability being vulnerable again allow myself in the position to be hurt however I feel like obviously I am in a much better headspace and I would like I would like to be able to the way I see my future

is I would love to meet someone again I would love to fall in love with someone again I would love to get married again and I do believe that different relationships serve different purposes and for me I feel like my marriage gave me my two beautiful boys and that perhaps was the purpose and I wasn't aware of that or it's not even that things are like pre-planned for us or pre-laid out I just think that's what it is um but I'm at a point where I absolutely want to meet someone and know that that's in my future for me the thought of ever being able to trust anyone again seems impossible at the moment really with my relationship there are things that

I would like to share that I'm not going to delve too much into really because I'm not really able to share as much as I would like but what I will say is my ex had issues which really led to like betrayal and a massive lack of trust and with a relationship I just don't think that it can continue without that trust yeah so when we talk about you know are you ever gonna ever gonna be able to trust the game if you are not in a good enough place to be able to trust someone i would say that you're better off not being in a relationship now what i've always told myself and like through my healing journey and the therapy that i've had and everything i'm such a hopeless romantic like I will not allow what I've been

through to kind of like tarnish that idea of getting married and being in love for the rest of my life and having that happily ever after sometimes people are shocked when I tell them I want to get married again but I don't want to allow what happened in my previous relationship to stop me living out what I still hope to one day have. And not trusting in the relationship I had was due to the relationship I had, that person. I don't want to then paint everything with the same brush yeah like if you're with someone i relate that it's that combination of you two together exactly and i think it takes a long time to get to that point where you realize it's not i don't trust men it's i didn't trust that person see i'm still at that point of course but i don't want to if i'm then dating someone

who i feel like has all these green flags I don't see any red flags it's like well really like they deserve to have my trust until they do something where there's a risk yeah so so yeah I've I can't wait to get to that point because obviously where I'm at at the moment um I think the idea of being able to trust someone and almost like I don't know when when you're in a relationship with someone and giving the trust to them I feel like it's that vulnerability isn't it that they literally like have your heart and they could just shit yeah and but you know what that's a relationship it is a right no you're and you're right and i think i would love to get to that point where a part of me like my rational brain knows you can't, you know, say.

I just, I guess what we've mentioned before is that not all men are the same. And there are some really good men out there. And I feel like I know that. And I feel like I'm a good judge of character. And especially everything I've learned learned like the last few months, I feel like if I was to ever let anyone in in any way, I would feel like I'd like to say I'm a good judge of character and like I'd trust my judgment that there would be a good guy. But, you know, we've all made mistakes, haven't we? But, yeah, it's the idea for me of trusting someone is terrifying. One thing I will say, and not sounding like a real negative Nancy,

but I don't actually think that you should ever trust anyone 100%. Like I... Oh, so uplifting to them. No, but I think in general like can you even completely trust yourself sometimes you're put in situations where you're like i would never do that and then suddenly like you've done that like i'm not saying like guys if you're listening to this and you trust your person 100 don't but i don't think it's unwise to always like and I know that I'm I'm gonna have a lot of walls that I put up and you know maybe you all take the right person to try and break them down and for someone not to give

up on you and for someone to show you that they can trust you like it don't think that's a bad thing and we've spoken about it on a previous episode but again like for me to let someone into my life in that way they would have to have a massive respect for where I am, what I've been through, kind of the wounds I have. And like they'd have to be really understanding and gentle with me. And I think, again, it's said like if they were to be like that, then you know you're with them, you know you're with a good person. You know how people always say that like until you're healed in a really good place you shouldn't

be with someone I personally believe that there's certain things that you won't heal from previous trauma and bad relationships until you're with someone because you won't know those triggers until they come up so I feel like anyone may be listening to this that might be in that place where they're like I'm still not great so I'm gonna just wait and be single and be on my own and be happy on my own sometimes I feel like people maybe wait too long because until you go through the experiences you kind of can maybe be healed through another person. And that's it. I don't think there's a time for anyone to be like, right, it's been this amount of months.

Maybe I can trust again. I think it is just coming back around to how I explained that trusting and the issues that I had with trust very much are a reflection on the person I was with. I wouldn't define me as having trust issues I did quite rightly and I feel like it is that healing process and being with the right person where you'll probably then realize that maybe trust isn't actually that difficult yeah I think it's hard you've almost got to make that disassociation that it is you have an issue with trust rather than trust with that person yeah and it's that disassociation isn't it again I think those are things that come with time that come with mutual respect that come with communication like if you feel like you know

you meet someone who has can offer you those things, then I think that's important. It's like what you said. Sometimes you need that person to help give you that. How do you know you're not going to trust again? And it is terrifying. And it's not wrong to feel terrified to trust someone. And it's not wrong to feel like I will never be with anyone again.

Or trust anyone. I've 100% said that. I'm pretty sure you said it even like in the first episode. Yeah, I totally did. I'll be forever on my own with my two boys. You know, if that happens, it's not the end of the world. But I would also like to be in a position where I could trust again. And I would love to have relationship and fall in love and live happily ever after.

Why should one experience ruin it like I am I am a hopeless romantic like I really am I want forever I want a fairy tale and I think as I've become an adult and experience the things I've experienced and grown up and whatever I realize life isn't a fairy tale and you know things happen that you don't ever foresee happening to you or your life but I do also think everything teaches us lessons it helps us grow and also now like I I feel so sure of what I want and what I deserve. And now you know yourself well. And now I know myself well. Yeah.

I mean, talking about fairy tales, it's funny because I think that's maybe what made me hold on to my relationship for so long because it was that, I think I was so in love with the idea of our story. We met when we were four. We went to school together. We grew up together. Like, what a lovely story to tell your children. Like, I met your daddy when we were four we went to school together we grew up together like what a lovely story to tell your children like I met your daddy when we were your age yeah we fell in love and we

got married and had kids but like on paper it sounds divine but it wasn't so I feel like as you do grow up and you are a bit more aware of what is realistic and don't get me wrong like there are people who do oh yeah seem to have like fairy tale lives and it's really easy to compare yourself and then feel like you're failing um but yeah it's i i think it's okay to feel terrified to trust again and i think when the time is right when it's the right person when all the things of the universe align and allow you I don't know I think like I absolutely want to be in a place where where I can feel like that and I think that's exciting that maybe one day I will you will I will I will I will affirm we will. Yeah. I feel like once we broke up, although a lot of the reasons were down to things that he had done,

I think a lot of people probably end up feeling like this. I still felt like, why wasn't I enough? We've touched slightly on obviously like self-worth and I know it's really cliche to say like, really until love yourself you can't expect someone to love you and I've never really completely believed that however I heard this thing on TikTok which really really like resonated with me and they said that if you only love yourself 10% and someone else comes along and loves you 20% you're willing to accept that 20% because they love you more than you love yourself and you think it's amazing so it's like wow they're amazing but really 20% isn't isn't very much they're probably not great for you whereas if

you love yourself 80 90% you're only gonna accept like that 90 100 percent really like putting it on paper and talking about like those sort of percentages it really made me realize that i really think for so long i was so like i was probably at 10 for myself and i probably only got like 20 30 from my ex so i still thought like this is as good as it gets because like he does like it's just really it really made me realize going through my breakup how little worth I had for myself and that in itself is just not a way to exist yeah it's just not a way to exist. Yeah, it's really, really sad. And look, I can't put the blame on him for my self-worth. Maybe he didn't make me feel loved from him,

but it's my responsibility to like, big myself up and make myself feel better. I think that probably comes hand in hand with being able to trust someone in the next relationship. I think once you're in a better head space you know what you want you know what you're willing to accept then probably the person that you allow to be in your life is probably going to be trustworthy because anything less you won't accept do you know what i mean i agree with that i just for me it's just that it terrifies me the thought of putting myself in a position of vulnerability

where you put your trust in someone and they have the potential to just i don't know and again i have really that's a relation that's a relationship and so if you're with someone they then in theory had the power absolutely yeah to just shatter your whole relationship and that's why you need to be in a place where instead of meeting someone that makes you happy you need to be happy first and then they are just the icing on the cake yeah i agree they have to like optimize I've always said this, like for me, it's like if I was to go into something else now, I feel like I have everything. I have everything.

And that sounds really like big headed, but I have my boys, you know, I've got a job I love doing. I'm very mentally sure of myself and my worth. And if I was to ever meet someone again or allow someone in my life they would have to just bring no drama like they would have to make me feel good and treat me in a way that I want to be treated and there would be no non-negotiable yeah like the first sign of a non-negotiable I would just check out because for me I don't need it like for me if I was to meet someone

it would only serve me a purpose of enhancing my happiness yeah I don't think I don't believe you should ever rely on anyone for your own happiness and again it's I think where I checked out so long ago I have been relying on myself for my own happiness for quite a while I'm very happy in my own company again even though people from the outside looking at my marriage thought you know that that we were in a really good marriage I spent most of my evenings on my own I spent a lot of time in the week with the kids on my own. A lot of what I do now is what I was doing before. Like I get asked all the time, aren't you lonely in the evenings? My evenings are literally no different.

And so I think for a long time I've had to become happy in myself, being on myself. I haven't relied on someone else for happiness for a very long time and I think that's almost how I've checked out of it and how I've I know a lot of people like Holly like you're you know you're doing so well you're so early on but I don't think people you never know what's going on in someone's marriage and you never know it's I was talking to my mum about it this week I was like I think I've been checked out of it so long that I got over it quite a while ago.

Yeah. I almost needed something to happen to force it to end. Yeah. I would never have left, ever. So I'm almost grateful in that respect. And, you know, obviously it didn't happen the way I would have liked. But I think, I don't think it would have ended in any other way so we've had loads of you email in um kind of like the whole reason we wanted to do this was for you

to feel like a community when you're going through something like this it can feel very isolating and you feel like it's the kind of thing that would happen to other people and not you and you can't ever see it in your little world and then like it gets you um so yeah that's why we've kind of like opened up the emails we want you to feel like you've got someone here we can all talk about it and you know email in any questions or if you want to share kind of like your story essentially yeah definitely so i haven't read any of these yet and there's quite a lot so i'm just going to pick at random and yeah so this one um hi girls firstly I'm really looking forward to this podcast just a brief breakdown of the situation I have two children a four-year-old and a two-year-old

my ex and I split at Christmas so it's been five months now I just wasn't happy anymore and hadn't been for such a long time I fell out of love with him after my second baby and never really felt connected with him since. I stayed and tried to make it work for the kids as they're young. From the outside it looked perfect. We had the lovely home, healthy happy children, financially stable and just seemed very happy but I never was. My question is do you hold a huge guilt for your children for breaking their home and normality? I can't shake the guilt to the point I've considered getting back together when that is not actually what i'd want but i don't want my children to miss out and i feel like i can't provide as much for them on my own as i could as a family unit i completely resonate with this one um and i think ultimately when you are a mom and you're

going through something like this so normal to feel like that um for me I had massive guilt with thinking should I try harder should I take him back should I put my feelings and thoughts to the side um you know there is that desire to have that family union like I said that's been the hardest part but ultimately what it comes down to is your happiness and you know if you're happier that radiates onto your kid yeah um that ultimately it's like two happy homes are better than one home i know for me the atmosphere in my house has been so different like everything's calmer I've noticed difference in behavior you know I just I'm just a really big but it is really hard to step away and think

I am the reason that my family unit is breaking down and it's so normal to feel that guilt and like you could do something to save it um but ultimately it's it's not that shouldn't be the prime reason for being yeah I feel like I know obviously everyone says like think about the kids I did think about the kids of course like I always pictured that happy family yeah absolutely like my parents about to you know celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary I wanted that okay I've come from a family that are still you know together that's what I grew up with that's all I know but eventually your kids are going to grow up and move out and the last thing that I would want to do is look back and be like now what like I've literally sat around wasted so many years of my life to give my kids that kind of a wholesome family unit when they probably would have just felt just as loved

separate yeah and I also think like as your kids get older obviously mine are very young but I feel like there's going to be questions there's going to be talks about it and I think like ultimately I would never want my child as he grows older to be in a relationship where he's not happy I would always want more and I think you kind of have to live and demonstrate and kind of be that example as to that self-worth and wanting more for yourself and that happiness and you know being able to articulate that when you have those conversations when the time comes like for me I want that to be quite an honest thing but I think ultimately what it comes down to is your children feeling loved so you know you're incredibly loved by your mummy you're incredibly loved by your daddy

we just don't live in the same house yeah And I think ultimately if they feel safe and loved and nurtured, we put all this pressure that it shouldn't be from the same home. But I just don't think it's not the situation for a lot of people. Yeah. No, I agree. And I hope that that sort of helps. I think mum guilt at the end of the day, regardless of even just like, do this for anything.

You have guilt over everything. Yeah. But you've got to put yourself first when it comes to something like that. Your happiness is worth it. Worth it. This one stood out because it's called The Double Life.

Evening, ladies. I feel like the timing of this is crazy. I'm three weeks in. That is raw. Found out that my other half has been in a relationship for two years. The entire life of my second child. Oh, that actually makes me sick.

He's spent an obscene amount of money from our family business and the scale of deceit is mind-blowing. Holidays abroad, UK trips and even lots in our hometown. She knew about me from the start and also had a boyfriend. There was emotional manipulation, abuse, gaslighting, which made it impossible to ever get answers. My red flags are secretiveness, jumpy around their phone and always closing things down when you're near, leaving it face down and never leaving it lying around, defensiveness, deflectiveness, gaslighting if you ever challenge anything,

new corporate events that they never used to attend. I had that. New requirements to work in a different city or away. Controlling your access to bank accounts. Vagueness where you ask where they're staying or flight train information. New behaviours such as spending a lot of money on clothes, gyms, sunbeds, Botox. And you found self-obsession with making an effort. New friends all of a sudden who would always who he'd always

meet for drinks disengagement in family life and avoiding family occasions not doing their hobbies anymore as there is other priorities elsewhere trust your fucking gut if you have suspicions do not drop it be aware of gaslighting behavior so if you feel the need to be like a dog with a bone and if you get emotional abuse back then you're probably on to something I could write a book so let me know if I can do any more like my heart goes out to her because really reading some of that really resonates with me like the general disengagement at home with the kids interesting doing like family days out the new kind of like

lots of corporate events some work nights out yeah I had a lot of that but can I just say like good for you for actually pushing yeah and seeing it and realising like no like it takes so much for actually... Addishing. Yeah, and seeing it and realising, like, no. Like, it takes so much to walk away.

It really does. Do you know what pisses me off? Why have a two-year relationship with someone? Don't be such a fucking coward and just leave it. Leave it, yeah. Yeah, I don't understand. The double life thing, I do feel like my ex had a double life. I don't know.

But just whenever I recap on the things that I experience, I just feel like there's just so much I don't know. I don't understand how people can do that to the mother of a children just it's a very specific type of person i'm sorry it's it's messed up it's that person obviously has profound issues it's yeah being fed their ego in different ways it's they're almost like getting kicks out of it i i do actually think it just generally actually really comes down to just being a coward they they want their like family. Yeah, they want their family life.

They don't want to break up their unit. But at the same time, they want to live like this thrill and like be that like big shot man, like doing this and that away from the home. Like if there's any men listening to this and you're doing this, just fucking man up and leave. It fucking pisses me off. Sorry, I'm getting angry. I can tell. Hiya,

I've been following both of you girls for a while as your experiences really resonate with me. I've just come out of a two year relationship. We met online

and the first red flag was when he told me he was going to his sister's in Southend. His location on the app changed to Northamptonshire. Red flag. Of course.

Bad geography. Yeah. I probably wouldn't have even clocked. When I questioned him, he told me he'd gone up there to watch the football and make use of a room he'd booked with an ex-girlfriend for a wedding so he didn't waste his money.

I should have walked away there and then. A year-long relationship with this guy continued. He met my son and we were in love, but I couldn't shake this gut feeling that something wasn't quite right about him. So I went down his phone and there in black and white were photos and messages of him and his girlfriend who he'd been with whilst seeing me yet again I let him talk me round he told me he'd fallen in love with me and had made a massive mistake in not being completely honest from the beginning of our relationship and it continued for another year until that same feeling crept in again

this time I'd found he'd been sending messages to various women in work, flirting and being quite suggestive. I felt like the biggest fool. I was so in love with this man. I went against everything I'd ever believed and ignored every single red flag. But I'll hold my hands up because I was partly to blame. I should have walked away before it became so toxic, but I genuinely believe this man was my new start. I'd never loved someone so intensely. Would be great to get your advice it's been two months since

i've split i've had to block him and try and move on but he's still finding ways of getting to me it's so hard oh honestly it's it's like what we were saying on last week's episode about red flags it's like when you see them you you have to pay attention to them i know but the thing is she said she knew them and ignored them and to be honest i was guilty of that like it is so much easier being that friend on the outside or you know outside looking in and being like oh my god like you know you need to get away but when they like by the sounds of it then like make you feel so loved and do all the right things it is so much that emotional manipulation and the fact that she has blocked him and he's still trying to get it like the thing is as as hard as it is and as

maybe blunt as i sound you have two options you either stay strong and know your worth and do not let him in or every time you take him back you're just wasting more time and you're going to have more heartache like it's the thing is what i think is also a shame is obviously with all these stories that we're reading and all the red flags that we're talking about and just generally our experiences, there are good men out there. Yeah, there are. And it's almost like the men that do all these things

and the cheating are tarnishing just men in general. And that's not the case. And I'm sure there's women there. I was actually just about to say, I don't want to say it's all the men but you know so many of my friends are in the most beautiful gorgeous happy marriages and i don't want people listening that are in those happy marriages sitting here thinking like something mostly right like i need to start looking for you know these red flags or tracking my husband's phone.

Like, there are good people out there. Sadly, there's also people like this that are just, they're set in their ways, probably never going to change. It makes me sad that, did she say that she's got to, no, she introduced her child to him, she doesn't have a child with him. Like, count your lucky stars

that you don't have a child with someone like that. Yeah, that's true. And you can cut that contact because i know we probably both mentioned like i found it really hard that i couldn't just cut the contact you've got to accept that they're going to be in your life for the rest of your life when you've got kids with them so i would say like you know what you need to do yeah you can give all the advice that you want to give to these people but really it comes down to when you are ready to take that leap of like blocking and done right yeah i agree with them gonna read one more hi ladies follow you both and i'm in awe your posts make my day and i don't feel so alone when i

see you i'll keep it short when my son was six months old my partner sat me down and said that he thinks we should break up we had a tough year before and had had that conversation a few months prior. I had pulled it up but I'd never heard him say the words himself so it came as a shock. I was absolutely distraught and begged him to stay upstairs and sleep next to me as I was inconsolable. He said he wanted to sleep on the sofa. After three nights of him sofa sleeping I take my baby three hours back to my parents for a couple of days to clear my head, speak to my mum and she encourages me to try and rebuild the relationship I agreed and felt enlightened my partner then messaged me to tell me he had been sexting his ex while sleeping on the sofa I couldn't believe he had left me and his beautiful six-month-old baby upstairs my world

was falling apart around me and meanwhile he was downstairs masturbating to his ex-girlfriend and forming an emotional connection looking back i feel it was going on a lot longer than what he said normally is as she had been sleeping separately for a few months as he was working as we had been sleeping separately for a few months as he had been working full-time we co-slept and our bait we co-slept and our baby was a nightmare at night so he needed sleep i never asked for evidence. The sexting admission was enough for me. Baths were a few days to me going back to try and talk to him, make sense of it all, and for him to see his son.

That night he said he had to go out to meet a friend. He showered, stank of his expensive aftershave. He refused to tell me who he was meeting. Turns out it was her. I packed up everything I could in my little car, took our son and drove three hours back to my parents. Our little family was destroyed. Fast forward two years, I've been battling breast cancer for one year and continue to do so. He has been hopping in and out of my son's life. I've allowed him to stay at mine and my son's house so he can spend time with him. It's been inconsistent, but it's been better this year.

He's stepping up more than ever. It's still not great, but it's better. Him and I get on okay. I'd say we're friends and there's no awkwardness or bitterness now as our son is more important than our baggage. Now he wants to get back together. I don't know what to do. He struggles with mental health, so he needs therapy before anything. There's also a list of reasons why I shouldn't go back, let alone we live three hours apart at the moment. But do i do it for my baby boy's sake and try again i'm so conflicted i'm so poorly with my cancer treatments and mentally although i'm extremely strong and smashing life i don't know if i can get over his deceit time is a healer and i'm definitely better about better about it than i was a year ago i just don't know what would you do thank you

this is actually the short version of events believe it or not you are both incredible and your babies are beautiful stay strong oh sorry i know it's making me cry i just don't know how people do it it's how someone can put you through something like that and I don't know just the way this lady has come across the strength it must take and obviously I can't imagine everything you're going through with your diagnosis and battling that on top of like obviously like the challenges of a relationship ending and navigating that anyway obviously we've both been through that part and to be able to handle anything else big like that throwing at you, it's just a lot.

I think as well, you have to remember your self-worth here. I think if there's a big pull of you that doesn't know how you're going to get over that deceit I just think of where as well you're in a good place at the moment and you've got a good relationship with him that may be that if if it was me I personally wouldn't I don't know I just think something massive like what you're going through maybe just consider your happiness and just know like you deserve to be treated in a way that's nothing less than like amazing

and with respect and dignity and I just I just feel like did she say it's been a few years now he wants her back yeah yeah the thing is I'm really blunt and I and I don't know you so like if you were my friend and my best friend was telling me this story i would literally be like absolutely no fucking way sorry if i'm coming across a bit like harsh but he sounds like an absolute waste of space the fact that you are able to be friends with him and be and be amicable with him for your child's sake just shows the sort of person you are and what he put you through shows the sort of person that he is and i just think that you were just destined for so much more

than being like you'll just be going backwards i don't personally believe that you can ever be truly happy going through what you what we've just read and then going back to someone like him like i honestly think you'd be better on your own with the support of your parents like i can't imagine how that must feel what you're going through but he sounds like a fucking waste of space and I really hope that not that he would be why would he be listening but I really hope that you tell him to listen because yeah he's regretted it because he's fucking realized that you're obviously fucking amazing and he's fucking nothing like let him continue with his pathetic life they often do they often do regret it and it's not till you're so far done moving forward that they realize they can't have what they once did i think it just infuriates

me that it's not until they hit that point where they realize that they've like fucked up. And I took back so many times in regards to like, you know, things I found out and then just whatever. Let's just carry on. Let's just carry on. It's not going to make you feel good in your relationship. Like it's not. I just think that with what she's going through, maybe it should make you realize like life is precious.

Spend it with the people that really value you. And honestly, my heart goes out to you because I can't imagine what that must be like I think listening to her story I don't want to sound like a hypocrite because like she sounds like unbelievably strong and I think when I was in that situation I felt like the fear of starting again being on my own and leaving was greater than the fear of staying in maybe a marriage that I wasn't that happy in or the fear of being betrayed again or lied to. And I feel like until you get to that point where like 80% of the time you're not happy that's at that point when I was like I'm done so I know it takes a lot of strength it's very easy for other people to give their opinion

especially when they are maybe in a happy relationship and they don't really understand it like oh my god you're mad why are you still staying but I just feel like going back to someone, I just, I want to look at my path and just always be facing forward. Like, I just don't feel like going back is the best thing. And I feel like, you know, this episode about like being able to trust again, like I said earlier on, I feel like it's not that I lack trust in people it's that I lacked

trust in my relationship so if I ever went back to that relationship I'd be that same person although I've grown and I've healed I still wouldn't trust because I'm with that person whereas being with someone new I hope and think I will be able to trust again because I'll know that that person that I've chosen to be with is a good person because I've now got my eyes wide open and I know what I'll accept and not accept so yeah I think it comes down to you know what we've been speaking about I think you can definitely trust again and I think it's something that will come with time it will come with healing it will come with meeting the person that you can trust and I think like for me it seems quite a long way off the feeling of ever being out but you know what and that's okay and

you're not looking for like a marriage right now and it's okay to not trust right now it's okay to know actually what I've been through has made me question a lot of things and you know I think when the time comes for me to get into relationship I do feel like that person has to be understanding and patient with me because I don't know I feel like well again that's that's how you will know if that person's right for you yeah they don't have that no I and they're not willing to give you that reassurance that you feel like you need you to pass trauma yeah and they're not right for you I feel like yeah I completely agree I think that's like again it's a massive green flag yeah for someone who I'd want someone

who would understand my past and what I'd been through and I think I'd have to be very open with my past situation so they understood where that might come from because like I don't want to ever go into a relationship and be like a paranoid psychopathic crazy woman who's like give me your phone put your location on now like you want to be with me I don't want to be like a psycho going into a relationship I want to go into something but that's also when you'll know that you're not ready I feel like there's a fine line between not wanting to take previous trauma and issues into a new relationship but at the same time having a partner that understands certain insecurities and needing certain reassurance because of issues so you're not going to be like perfect in a new relationship like i'm sure like

there'll be times where i'll be like something may happen that you find quite triggering because of yeah another relationship and how they deal when it's the communication of that yeah the being honest and this is how I feel this is why I feel like that but then having that respect and kind of trying to make you feel secure in that relationship yeah so it's finding that point where you're in a good enough place that you're not carrying the trauma over but you're still going to have triggering moments that you work on together with your new person and that's when I think you know that you've got a solid unit for a good relationship moving forward right on that note I feel like we have kind of touched on everything in regards to

trusting again and I hope it's been a good listen and really helpful and yeah guys if you loved it please make sure you follow it means the world to us if you're going to come back and listen to another episode don't share with your friends if you know anyone who's going for anything similar or you just think they'd enjoy listening to us please tell them about us spread the word and we will see you guys again next week thank you so much bye