Not As We Planned - 52. Not Just Another One… Another 3

Episode Date: July 18, 2024

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The Shoppers Beauty Plus event is back with more than ever before. Discover more ways to earn more points. Plus shop more beauty brands. The Shoppers Beauty Plus event. More points, more brands, more beauty. On now until October 4th. Hey. Hi. It's Tash and Carly. And you're listening to Motherhood.

Not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea. Or a glass of wine and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing hi guys hi welcome back oh and that was like in sync in sync and sync um just down the coffee i might suddenly be like um guys as always we want to make sure that you are not missing out on those patreon episodes so make sure you go on to the link on our instagram and join like we've got a really yes lovely little community it's like not bigging us up but it's kind of mental at the moment, isn't it? Yeah, it is. It's really nice. Must be those great teasers we edit.

Anyway, and as always, all the reviews that you're leaving on Apple, we really appreciate them. We want to get our subscription up on YouTube as well. So if you prefer watching to listening, if you didn't even realise you can actually watch this rather than listen, go on our YouTube account. And yeah, just thank you always for spreading the love tagging us on your instagram tiktok really appreciate it shall we

have a little catch me up in your weight what is my catch up nothing massively exciting i i've been going to the gym and on friday night, my plans got cancelled and I thought, like, who am I? I'm going to go to the gym. And, yeah, I think all the fit people are hiding in the gym on a Friday night. I literally walked in and I was like, did you talk to anyone? No, you just stared at them. Yeah.

Just showing off with my whites. It was actually really fun. I love people watching, but there's something nicer about just watching sweaty, I won't fluffing, sexy, sweaty men. It was just quite a nice, sometimes it's nice to window shop you know you know I'm not buying anything I'm just having a little browse you know it's like that early shelf you know it's like that early shop like you're not allowed to shop until 11 on a Sunday

but you can browse from 10 to 30 so you know that's what I was doing look at the menu but not eating so yeah I haven't really done anything else like I had a really chilled weekend um I have nothing else to remember yeah I feel like morning catch-up's really boring yeah I went to the cinema I knew you I thought yeah I'm gonna talk about that what inside out yeah so I took the boys to see Inside Out 2 I'd heard really good things they loved the first one I just

I didn't realise how amazing it would be how was Milo in the cinema amazing sat on my lap the entire time

because on every going this week yeah he's brilliant like going to cinema doesn't face with them he'll sit there and he'll say

like certain things like mummy is that sadness and like he's really cute they're brilliant absolutely brilliant couldn't fault them but for anyone who has doesn't know what it's about so it's it's about when Riley turns 13 and she gets all these new emotions and one of them the main character in this one is anxiety yeah and I think because I'd never experienced anxiety until like the last 18-ish months I find it really hard to explain and describe it to people who have never experienced it like I don't think I ever I'm really until when someone said I had really bad anxiety I don't

think I ever really understood what that meant and it just honestly like the way it just explained it and but it I was I was crying my eyes out because you kind of feel like so seen and heard and validated that you feel all of those things and like there was this bit where there was she had an anxiety attack and I don't know especially i think for anyone who's ever experienced anxiety or panic attacks or anything like that watching that it will literally like i've heard it's pretty much more like an adult film it's amazing but the kids loved it too so it's not perfect like it wasn't one of those kids films where you go in and you have a little snooze yeah it was really really i think i might go see it on the weekend and like especially like i don't know if any of you who are listening have anxiety you have a partner who maybe doesn't quite understand what that means go with them and watch

it because i just think sometimes it's really hard to articulate feelings like that and i don't know just so it's really beautifully done um really clever and i think it's quite empowering that our children will go up grow up having watched that knowing what i'm deciding it is yeah like um it's just really beautiful like there was a couple of bits where it was saying how like um that anxiety was like but i was just trying to protect you and it's really interesting like a lot of my anxiety is about trying to protect myself but that is the brain it's so, I just bounce into like fight or flight. So clever. I love that.

And it was, Joy was saying like, maybe when you grow up, you just feel less joy. And it just, oh, it's just, yeah, it was a really emotional film. But yeah, not much other to report. I had a really lovely weekend with the boys, actually. Really lovely weekend. I hate the word wholesome, but it was. It was just, you know, one of those weekends that really lovely weekend with the boys actually really lovely weekend like I hate the word wholesome but it was it was just you know one of those weekends they're really lovely behaved I think I don't know I'm just really valuing my time with them at the moment and yeah this week trying to get ready go away to Venice on Friday only booked a hotel last night didn't we because

that's how we roll these days anxiety yeah I feel like I've always been like this really on it organized person with stuff like that like really like I'm quite paranoid about being late for things and my boyfriend is like the polar opposite like honestly no honestly we've been on trips where we haven't had a hotel till like 12 hours before we've booked things on the day. Like he's so laid back, he's horizontal, but actually it's been quite a good balance. Well, it's just made, it's changed me a bit more because I always, it's not like. It's not liking in my favour.

No, it's not. I said to him once, I think people hate me now. But I've always been so early to things and not that I'm saying I want to be late for things, but once I was late since being with him and he's like, do you think bad happened? And I was like, literally no. But I stressed myself because I read this quote

and it was like children who are rushed around and around that become quite stressed and anxious adults. And I don't want my worries about being late for things to rub off on my kids and then that impact who they are. God, I've been reading too much. Anyway, let's crack on with some emails don't rush though i'm just gonna take my sweet time okay so it's called light at the end so i thought it's quite a nice way to start let's do that hi i wanted to send a message as i hope this will give some strength to listeners out there who

feel they are in the depths of darkness after 20 years together and 14 years married with two amazing girls, last June my husband and I separated. When I look back, it has been coming for a while. We moved house three and a half years ago to what I thought was our forever home. From the outside, people that didn't know me must have thought we had it all. But the emotional abuse I'd been experiencing for years upped a gear and I was bitterly depressed. For some reason, my ex decided I should be in debt to him for this amazing house we now lived in.

I explained before we bought it as I paid all the bills out of my account and saw the costs adding up it would be super tight money-wise. He decided this was totally full on me to sort out. This led to a substantial amount of debt being racked up in my name. He was controlling, manipulating and cohesive. He never had my back. Isn't that just scary, like your husband? It's not even that. I think the thing that stood out to me the most in that bit that we've read so far is anyone that would have looked at us would have thought that we've had it all. And something like, I just want to really highlight that because I think we're so guilty all the time I look like I had it all of comparing ourselves to these families or people that we either see on social media or just socialize with

thinking that they have it all but sometimes they don't and then we're sitting there almost like punishing ourselves and making ourselves feel less worthy for something that doesn't actually even exist his dad caused massive problems between us things started to come to head when i was admitted to hospital for a week with the doctors initially thought was a stroke to have him say i'd made it all up and dramatize things for attention when i was finally discharged and wanted to carry on holding a family party for our daughter what oh he voiced this all to my family and to his and i was so embarrassed it's horrible fall down to my 40th birthday in february 2023 and i thought things were improving as he suggested we go away with the kids to New York, his treat.

This turned out to result in every month constantly asking him to transfer the money so I could pay for the holiday. Yes, it meant I would book everything and organise it down to the last detail. Just before he flew out, I asked him for some money. My job paid five times less than his and he had said it would be his treat to book to go to the Empire State and see the Statue of Liberty. His reply was he was already paying for the hotel and flights. It his treat to go to the Empire State and see the Statue of Liberty. His reply was, he was already paying for the hotel and flights and it was down to me to find the money for everything else. I had no savings and literally earned minimum wage. My credit cards were also maxed to the limit.

My only option was to take out another card and hope that was enough to get the four of us through the holiday. Sorry, I find this so weird. Like, in a marriage, you're a team and, like... I also... I don't know. It's for her birthday.

I just find this weird. Yeah. Like, I don't... I don't know. When I was married, it was kind of, like, one block. One block, same. Because, don't get me wrong, I understand that every situation of family is different.

You do what works for you. But I find this, like, really weird. So do I. Like, you'd be like oh it's fine i've got it like yeah yeah anyway um they're married aren't they yeah yeah every single item including my own birthday cake bar one dinner was paid for by me on the card i had taken out. On my actual birthday morning, he hadn't even got me a card from the kids. Right. And when we returned home, things went from bad to worse. He was a narcissist.

I was being gaslighted and battered down with lies, nastiness and vile comments. In June 2023, I finally found the strength to say I was dumb. A year of absolute hell followed with no sign of him leaving the house. He would go out all night and come back the next afternoon, leave me to rush around with the kids, allow me no access to money to move out. Our daughter was self-harming but he would block

me from any attempt of putting the house on the market. I'd booked a girls holiday right after the split and thought one year later we would be divorced and my life would be able to restart no such luck I contemplated about going on the girls holiday myself esteem was zero I had put on three stone and every day still felt like so much effort the divorce was consuming me I decided to put all that aside and last month I went on the girls holiday those four days of being away and having time to find myself and enjoy being me was the absolute best medicine. I met someone out there, nothing serious, but it made me feel like I was worth something and I was pretty, even if it was just for a couple of days. We've been chatting since I returned home and he's offered to meet up and it's just given me

that little bit of confidence I needed. The day after I got back from Ibiza I called Universal Credit, explained everything I was going through and found out I was eligible for some help towards rent. I contacted letting agents and have found and secured a house for me and the girls. We begin to move in the next weekend. I was worried about telling my ex I was leaving but actually when it came around to it I was able to tell him without me breaking down in tears and without shaking and my voice quivering. I was turning a corner and he was no longer going to control, manipulate and abuse me any longer. The kids and I would be able to find our happiness again. I'm so sorry for the long message but I've listened to your podcast for a year and every time you mention you will find yourself you will be amazed by your strength i never never thought it was possible there never

felt like there was going to be this light at the end of the tunnel thank you so much for giving people the space to support one another and provide that hope that there is life after divorce i love that like well done like how fucking empowering doing it on your own. You're doing it the right way. You're healing. You're taking steps to do something for yourself on your own. Like, it is scary. Like, you step back and recognize, like, the control and the gaslighting. And then I think it's almost like, this isn't the life I'm living. No. Like, it's when you kind of realise that it's like how you said

when you finally spoke to him and you didn't break down and cry. I think you just, yeah, it's cliche. It's like a bad moment. Yeah, and you do just find that strength when you need to find it. So hopefully anyone who's in like the thick of it right now, listen to that will give you like a spark of hope that the same will happen to you. It will. Affirm.

Hey, Tash and Carly. Firstly, can I just say you were both absolutely amazing. Thank you. Thank you very much. Really needed to hear this. Your podcast literally gives me a reason to get up and keep going at times. I love that. I'm a huge fan of the Patreon episodes.

Keep up the amazing work and absolutely smashing motherhood. Possibly remember I wrote in before explaining my story. Last summer when I found out my ex-husband was lying, cheating, gambling, drinking and basically a complete waste of space. After 13 years of putting up with it, being walked all over, he went on a night out and didn't come back. To be honest, I don't specifically remember that because that just sounds like every email that we read but we'll carry on anyway i wanted to give you an update it's now almost 18 months on since he left the divorce still hasn't finalized sadly things have been a roller coaster to say the least constantly lessening the children down not showing up yet posting all over social media what a great dad he is that is just honestly

the biggest ick of life no longer working in fact hasn't now worked since last november therefore hasn't paid a single penny towards our three children don't know maybe he's really good at that gambling however when he does show up always has a fresh haircut and a cost of coffee in hand maybe he's an escort. It would seem that he has basically gone on complete self-destruct, which is actually quite sad. But the saddest thing that I found myself realizing now is that 18 months ago, I genuinely thought that he was going to have turned his life around, have a great job, new partner and living his best life. That is how much he convinced me that I was the reason

for all of his mistakes and that once he had left and didn't have me and our children he would be a better person I'm not sure if either of you felt this way or if I have been betrayed as if this was the case but I now know I wasn't to blame and in fact it didn't matter how much I tried he never would have changed I've tried dating on and off but online dating is absolutely brutal and not for me I'm now trying Carly's method and I'm going to manifest the man in my dreams at least that's what I keep telling myself be really specific with location though yeah um the children are really struggling with the lack of routine around seeing their dad and being constantly let down especially our middle child who has ASD and ADHD. I'm hopeful

that in time things will get back as the children get older. It's just a painful process seeing them hurting. I've just been really respectful and don't bad mouth their dad in front of the children. Good girl. As I feel it's better that way that they make their own opinions of their dad. This is sadly becoming the reality of the older two as time goes on. My three babies all tell me how much they love me and how lucky they are to have me, which keeps me going. The truth is I'm lucky to have them. They keep me going and I wouldn't be able to do what I do if it wasn't for them. I didn't get to make the last event, but I'm really hopeful I'll be able to make the next one. Love you guys. Love what you do. Thank you. What I think is really interesting and I think is really common when you see these men

like get up and leave and they make you think that you are the problem and you tell yourself that they're gonna lead this amazing life and become this better person and find this woman and treat her the way that you always wanted to be treated. And I feel like this is kind of, funnily enough, the reality of it a lot of the time. Like they don't do the work. They almost like self-destruct a bit and they can't hack life on their own. And we say it time and time again,

like these people don't just go away and do the work and turn into these incredible people and give other people everything you ever wanted like and it's frustrating when they obviously deflect all their issues onto you and you sit there believing it but i'm so happy to hear that a year down the line or however long it's been you're now able to see it it's it's not you and then it was you in this show it's like it could be like 18 months ago but even once you're broken up they'll still carry on the deflection and the blame and you know whatever it is because i think a lot of these people just don't take the accountability for their actions. And it is that gaslighting.

It is making that person think like they're being unreasonable, they're to blame, like it's all because of them. And do you know what? I remember feeling exactly like that. I remember thinking maybe I am being unreasonable, asking to spend some evenings with him. Like maybe I should just let him go and do his own thing. And it wasn't until we broke up that I realized they were all very reasonable requests I wasn't saying

you can never do this but we didn't spend any time together I remember being told by an ex that my expectations were too high and that I should lower them. And I did at times question that. I thought maybe he's right. Maybe I asked for too much. Maybe what I want is unrealistic. I look back now and I realise my expectations were not too high. He just wasn't able to meet them. And I'll find someone who wants to meet them and can exceed them.

And that's what I think that we need to be giving off. Like, don't ever lower your standards for someone. If they don't want to meet you there or able to deliver what it is that you believe you deserve, bin them and go and find someone else. I think back to what I was accepting and begging for. And I look what I've got now. I don't even have to ask the man anything. He, honestly, when I say he goes above and beyond,

like I've never been treated this way. And actually like maybe a lot of the things he does is like, I don't want to say bare minimum because that's not right but like that is how we deserve to be treated it's not it shouldn't be and you know it's actually really exceptional thing you know it's actually really interesting and i think that people should maybe take this on board i think when you've been in a relationship where you were barely getting the bare minimum and it was really crap. I think what I've also noticed on reflection is when you're going from being with someone that's down here and anything else is better. And it's really being vigilant on are they amazing or are they just better than what was all the way down there? or are they just better than what was all the way down there?

And it's making sure that you aren't fixated on, oh my God, I can't believe he's doing that for me. Actually, hold on, that's quite a normal. Like don't be, I think in my next relationship, I'm always going to be grateful for someone doing lovely things for me, but I'm never going to be like worshipping the ground they walk on because they do something that they should be doing and I think it's really knowing your worth and I don't think even in any of my relationships I've been at the point where I'm at now where I know like what is expected and then what's above expectation and I think there is a difference

we've had this conversation, like we've both said to each other, like, do you think you love me this much because it's just better than what we had? Like, it's quite nice that we can talk about those kinds of things as well. And like, we're both in agreement. It's not just because of that.

It's like, for me, my needs are met and surpassed. Like, just the way he makes me feel safe and secure like he goes above and beyond to do that so yeah and like i think we just need to reaffirm like i think in our heads sometimes we think well this is just what all men are like like i'm never going to find a man like no man will do that maybe maybe i do need to lower my expectations you don't there are men who will do that for you they exist and you will attract them I just need to put it out there I agree I remember sometimes having conversations with girlfriends about like a date that I maybe was going to go on or something and I'd mention

something that this guy would do for me like I can't think off the top of my head who I'm talking about but whether it's like opening the car door or doing something i'd be like how cute and my my best friend who's in like the most secure loving happy marriage would be like i'm so sad that you think that's exceptional yeah it's fucking yeah well i thought that when my boyfriend like started to open the door i was like oh my god don't get me wrong it's nice it's nice to see it yeah but expect it don't be blown away by normal behavior how a man should treat a fucking lady do you know what i mean i agree that's where i'm at right now princess fucking treatment or or nothing guys i feel like anyone watching this is going to want to know where my jumper is and if you don't then why but this from Primark, and I'm just loving that.

I support the Chiefs now. Travis Kelsey vibes. The Shoppers Beauty Plus event is back and bringing you even more reasons to celebrate. Shop new and favorite beauty products, including makeup, signature fragrances, skin care, and so much more. Plus, get big PC Optimum points. More points, more brands, more beauty. skincare and so much more. Plus get big PC optimum points. More points, more brands, more beauty.

Start September 7th at Shoppers Drug Mart. Cool. I mean, it's the fact that I'm in like a full on jumper in July. My story. Thank you for creating this podcast. I'm in Australia. We love that. We're going down under. G'day mate. I'm in Australia. We love that. We're going down under.

G'day, mate. I'm in Australia and I've only, no, I'm not going down. Jesus. And I'm only up to episode 24, but I resonated deeply when you said in this episode, people kept telling you,

oh my God, you're so strong. I'm not strong. I just have no choice but to keep going. I feel that so much. Anyway, I won't go into everything fully as there is a lot that happened, but here is a summary, I just have no choice but to keep going. I feel that so much. Anyway, I won't go into everything fully as there is a lot that happened, but here is a summary I guess. My husband and I, after being together for 11 years, separated in March this year.

We have a son together who just turned one in April and when he was three months old, my husband decided that he would work away to earn a good income. It was supposed to be a 12-month sacrifice to allow me to stay home with our baby. His work was a couple of hours away, so he'd be away all week and home only on Saturday and Sunday. However, in November, he started working a lot of overtime. Trigger! Trigger warning! Saying it was to get us ahead so he wouldn't have to do it for too long

and so I could stay home. Do you know what else really annoys me about this? Yeah, is how manipulating that is. Making out he's doing her a favour. Oh my God,

you are such a good person. Don't cover up your bullshit trying to put yourself on a pedestal that you're doing this for someone else when it's quite clear where this is going.

Uh-huh. Isn't it? Uh-huh. Yeah, sorry, that really bugs me. You absolute hero. Should we give him a medal? Blue peace badge and a cape.

A cape. We shouldn't wear capes. We should. Not all heroes wear capes. I decided to get a part-time job in admin, working from home whilst my baby slept. I worked 15 hours a week, mainly at night, once my baby was asleep.

The overtime kept going, and he was home for only worked 15 hours a week, mainly at night once my baby was asleep. The overtime kept going and he was home for only about 12 hours a weekend, with only three of those hours being whilst we were all awake. Oh my God. Do you know what? Morphle him. Like your baby, kids are only little for so long. Yeah, true. You're a shit night i always think like a lot of these people they make these decisions now they live in this selfish mindset they think about

themselves they're doing it i think why i think a lot of these people and i don't want to say men but i i'm probably going to they live in this selfish world and they can't they get like tunnel vision all they can think about is their dick getting wet you know being a lot of these women are going to like be literally stroking their egos making them feel really good they're in this bubble at home they think of like their family is like this hard work there's crying there's you know lack of sleep there's this there's that and I think they go along and they feed into this selfish world and I think there will come a time when their child is older and they've looked back and maybe they're not with said woman anymore and they're miserable and actually the reality of it hits home because

I do think sometimes mostly with men I think the reality and the realization of it hits home. Because I do think sometimes, mostly with men, I think the reality and the realisation of what they've done actually does take them longer to process. Sometimes I think, sadly, they never realise what they like. I agree. Because they don't realise what they had. I agree, but I think sometimes, like I say, that relationship then doesn't work out. They'll look back and they'll be like,

wow, I missed out on my kick. I hope so. Where was I? Whenever I asked him to cut back the overtime he would get angry at me saying he was doing this for me I hate him I would ask if I needed to return to work more and he would say he wanted me to stay home with our son as that's what's best for him oh Oh, this really aggravates me. In the last week of January, I discovered he was having an affair with his 22-year-old work colleague. He also came clean to me about his drug addiction and admitted he was basically on drugs all the time. Between then and our separation in March, so much happened that I won't write it all because it would take days.

The constant gaslighting and manipulation were unbearable. I gave him three chances to end things and each time he told me he had, only for me to find out each time he never did. Jo, I think you get to a point

where these people become such compulsive liars. They believe their own lies. Oh, they get stuck in this thing and they're like, I genuinely think they this thing and they're like, absolutely do. Like, I genuinely think they believe it and they believe like they're just like,

I was doing it for you. I think he actually probably believes he was doing it for you by this point. Like, I think they get so invested in their lies and they believe them. I think it's a condition. I think some compulsive liars lie about things that are even like, don't need to lie about

what they had for lunch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like they need to like what they had for yeah yeah yeah like it's like they need to lie like what did you have for lunch burger but he had a steak like do you know what i mean like like that yeah i know like it's just so weird like you you know like that film liar liar where he has to tell the truth yeah i feel like these people like i do like it's something like yeah i i think the lies like it's so out of control that they actually forget how to tell the truth and just everything's and and they start believing it yeah yeah like even like when they make up new new versions of events and then i think they actually believe that's what happened. Yeah.

Finally in March, he decided to leave my son and me for her, telling me it wasn't about me, it wasn't about her, but it was so our son didn't grow up to be like him. Confusing, yes. Anyway, I was broken. This man's kooky. The past few months have been hell. I don't know how I'm getting by, but I am. I've been seeing a psychiatrist weekly and with her help i've realized how toxic our relationship was and how i was

mentally emotionally and financially abused for years this abuse made me too scared to walk away when i discovered this the affair each time i now do know i will be better off without him but it's just a tough road getting there i have been raising my child basically on my own for almost a year anyway with him working away but it is really starting to sink in that I'm doing it alone forever whilst trying to heal and move forward in my life. Since our separation he has had only three, three and a half hour visits with our son, supervised by his mother due to his drug use and my distrust in him. So I am the sole parent doing it all on my own. We have reached the tantrum meltdown stage and this week we are teething. I'm feeling the weight of everything being on me all day, every day.

No tapping out when I'm at my wit's end. I just simply have to keep going. Today has been constant meltdowns and tantrums. That's one thing I will say as a single parent is the hardest thing is on those days where you need to tap out. You need that breath. You need that step back because you know you're probably not going to lose your shit. You're not going to handle it in the way you want to be. You're not going to be the parent you want to be.

And you can't because you've got no one there. And you have to find this enormous strength to push through and sometimes we get it wrong and I think I have really important we forgive ourselves for that because we're not perfect and we are taking on so much more than people who have got someone else there with them but it's not normal to be doing this on our own I've had times where I have actually walked away from a situation i probably shouldn't gone into a room shut the door and and no and and barricaded myself like use myself to barricade the door to stop them coming anywhere near me because i needed to self like to regulate myself and I can't and it's really hard it is that is the hard you're not alone do you know what I think the biggest thing for me has been with that and I'm

not going to sit here and pretend I'm this perfect parent who always gets it right and always manages to take that step back and get my space before going in sometimes i lose my shit i do i lose my shit i get frustrated particularly if i know this is happening when i'm meant to be working i have this real big that makes the stress even worse but one thing that does always helps slightly and i think it's no matter how young your child is it's just always apologizing even if you think they're too young to understand it just making that a regular thing knowing it's okay to be a human and sometimes we can't even as adults control our emotions and to apologize and i don't know i think for me like seeing my children replicate that now even myla

who's two just makes it don't get me wrong i still beat myself up with mum guilt on those days but it does help yeah slightly oh i know when i finally got him to sleep tonight i walked upstairs and saw the mess the toys everywhere the mess from dinner the dishes everything that had to be done before i logged on to work in that moment i just bawled my eyes out how do you do it how do you continue going day by day raising a child whilst also trying to heal from so much damage and trauma i don't know what i really want to get from writing this but i just needed to get it out tonight thank you for reading no i think the only thing that i can say is however much when you're in it it feels like the worst thing ever does it's not going to be permanent your kids get older things change they grow up and like I think we've I've said it quite a lot it's the days are long

but the years are short and you know like I have moments especially with Blake's behavior and how challenging it is at the moment and getting him assessed for ADHD like I remember when I like I know that he's got ADHD I'm waiting for an assessment just so I can confirm yeah but you know being a single mum is hard enough and then I thought really do I have to do do we have to add another obstacle or like another thing that's going to make it harder? But I do. And I know we always say it. I don't want to be strong.

But I have to be. But I do really, really believe that we are not given things that we cannot handle. And I remember thinking that way even when I had twins and I was like, cool, bring it on. I'm obviously meant to have twins. It's going to be hard, but I can hack it. Then when I found out Rome was a twin, I was like, okay, right. Well, I did it really well. So someone wants me to do it again.

Obviously it didn't end. I don't know. I just, I am a real strong believer that like, put it this way, okay? For someone, talking from someone who is probably in the best place mentally that I have been in, in the last five years, I never thought that I would say that whilst being alone and single I always thought that relationship defined my success as a person my happiness everything I haven't learned so much about myself I now know my worth in ways I never did. I now have an independence that I've never had.

And I'm now so looking forward to being this version of myself and offering it to someone that deserves that. And I deserve that back. And I just feel like had I not gone through every single thing that I've gone through so far, as cliche as it sounds, I wouldn't be the person that I am right now. And I'm really fucking happy with the person that I am. So do you know what? However hard it seems in that moment, and I still have hard times and challenges. I genuinely see them now as life lessons and reasons for them. I'm like, cool,

this is just going to add another building block onto who i am as a person what i need to learn as long as we take the lessons from it i think it does shape you into also an amazing mum and who is going to ground your children in a way that i wouldn't i wouldn't be be the mum that I am now without having gone through everything. And if that's the reason for it, to make my kids the strongest version of themselves and empathetic and everything that I want them to be, I know they're going to get that because of what I've been through.

Do you know what I mean? I 100%. I want to say on that, I really resonate. Like I do a lot of my work in the evenings and i feel like i come down and you look at the state of the house and you like i and i want to like normalize this like i'm i've lost track of months i'm like nearly 18 months into it and i still have days where i come down and i look at everything and i burst out crying and you just kind of have to roll with it and you know what it's okay some days to be like I'm gonna leave that mess for tomorrow I need a mess step back and I'm not gonna do that you know

it's cutting yourself some slack it's realizing actually the load you are taking on is far beyond what most people take on and what you're doing is exceptional I saw um a really good I'll post it on our page actually a really good reel the other day I saved it saying like being a single parent is one of the hardest jobs I saw that as well in the world because of the sheer load of it like all of these things I get so overwhelmed sometimes thinking about the load of it all and I used to feel overwhelmed when I was married now you're doing it on your own completely and you know there's obviously a lot more financial pressure on top of it all I just sometimes like like you know I'll sometimes like I feel like

I'll get to a point where I have the breaking point and often I like have a meltdown to my boyfriend I'm like I can't do it like it's just too much and sometimes he stops me in my tracks he's like you were doing the most incredible job like you're doing this with minimal help you were literally doing like 85 90 percent of the load of it always like you don't stop and give yourself enough credit like so many people couldn't handle that like I said start being kind to yourself and realizing like also like mess it doesn't it's not going to hurt anyone like sometimes you've got to pick your battles and what i sometimes do i'll be like i'm not spending my night cleaning i'm gonna set a 10 minute timer whatever i get done in that 10 minutes is done it's a bit better i've done

something some days i just leave it yeah I just I'm like no sit down my mental capacity is full right now I can't physically cope with it I actually need to sit down takes 10 minutes before I start my work and that's what I do and yeah it is and you know what I'm like I'll be completely honest with you it actually gets easier as the kids get older my kids are now at an age where they help me clean up and i've started well we've been doing that regularly my house you said to me my house is the cleanest you've seen it my kids and i cleaned up before they went to bed tonight like once they start older and they you know really get them to muck in to looking after your house like yeah i chucked my robot hoover on i didn't like because i was worried he wouldn't be done before you got here

don't want him buzzing around but little things like that to make your life easier. Honestly, yeah, just remember you were doing the most incredible job. Amen. Hold on, let's do a confession of the week, guys. This is my confession. Just when I... It's a short one, but we're here for it. She's a single mum.

I went to a swingers club in Tenerife and had my first threesome with two of the barmen. And then she did, like, the hot sweaty. Oh, my God. Love that. That's quite a good confession. That's blimey. Hmm.

Inspired. And it's your vision board. Can you imagine if on my vision board was just two men with a woman? I did yesterday, my first reflection on my vision board. I've ticked off so much. I love that.

I didn't even realise. I love that. I do think, yeah, that I do a little reflection because we are over halfway through the year now and then readjust. I know you've readjusted yours. I haven't, well, I did,

no, I made another one I made I made a love board yeah it's A4 and it's right next to my bed and it's literally purely based on

my next man not my next man but the man and he gets into your bed the man and he's like is this me and I'd be like

yep thank you guys for listening let's do a little affirmation. Oh, sugar, we do need to do affirmation. Yeah. How about, never feel like you need to lower your expectations

for someone that thinks they're too high. If they think they're too high, it's just because they cannot meet them. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Thank you guys so much.

We love you. Bye. Bye.