Not As We Planned - 53. My Husband Had an Affair With a Lesbian

Episode Date: July 25, 2024

When he’s playing away from home with 3 different women, finding out your husband is having an affair with a lesbian, and the continued abuse from the ex wife. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly, and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea, or a glass of wine, and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi, Kai. Hello. Welcome to this week's episode. Just a reminder, if you are not already signed up to our Patreon, what are you doing with your life?

Nothing. Go and sign up you get a bonus episode every monday where we really diss the dirt um and that's where we're going to be for the month of august so do not miss out if you need that you know fix in the summer head over to patreon where we'll be we're going to do a little catch up catch up go on what's going on in your life nothing that exciting i feel like we're plodding along to the end of term at the moment. Yeah. But finally, I've had my cruise for the summer. Oh, yeah.

How exciting. Yes. As adult only. Is it? I didn't know that. Adult only cruise, going virgin voyages. Me and my boyfriend going. It's a week.

Where's it go? It's also the longest time we would have ever spent together. Oh, make or break. Make or break. I'm either going to be in the ocean or I'll be coming up because even more loved up. But we are going to, it starts in Barcelona and then we go to. Because you fly to Barcelona. So fly to Barcelona.

I see. I don't do, I wouldn't do a cruise. Like it's not for me. I've never done one. Not for me at all. But if I did, I would definitely fly somewhere rather than fly south. Oh, yeah. No, it's quite bumpy.

Couldn't do that. Yeah. So we fly flying from Barcelona and then we go to Marseille, Cannes, Parma and Ibiza. Love that. So that so yeah I'm really excited like it's a bit different but neither of us have ever done a cruise but I feel like we're going to like it because we love like our city breaks and we love like

having it like we're used to doing basically a city in a day we normally only spend a Saturday somewhere so I feel like we'll either love it and want to do more I reckon I reckon you'll love it so I feel like we'll either love it and want to do more. I reckon you'll love it. So I feel like it seems perfect for you to,

like, don't get me wrong, the idea of a cruise, I understand why people like it. It never appealed to me, ever. But it doesn't appeal to me because of motion sickness. This is what we're both worried about because we do both get seasick. But my parents go on cruises all the time and they don't feel it. And we are going to take stuff with like just in case um but yeah i'm

really excited like it's just it's just really exciting to have something i don't know like the six-week holidays is a lot and i currently have the kids for a very high percentage of it so it's quite nice that I've got that little bit of relief to look forward to selfishly like during the holidays my mum's I think my mum's gonna have the kids because um yeah um I think my mum's gonna have the kids that week well the middle part of the week they'll be at their dad's for their normal weekend anyway um but yeah selfishly i'm really excited selfish it's not selfish it's filling up my car absolutely it's also do you know what i've realized like one of the things i've found and discovered since being on my own my own since being on my own being on my own i love traveling i love seeing new places and it's so nice that I've got a partner who enjoys the same.

Like, we enjoy the cultural stuff. We enjoy eating different cuisines and exploring. That's why I think you're like a cruise. I feel like it's very fitting. And I feel like, yeah, it's just, I've also been really recommended cruises with kids because everything's there. So it would be interesting for me to like

scope it out and see if it's something that I think about but yeah I'll obviously update you guys what about you um what about me nothing I'm just sort of like plodding along in life really um I'm still like buzzing from last night's football game like it was unreal like literally went out with a few friends and it was just really buzzy obviously I don't know I can't remember when this episode's coming out so we'll know the result one time so we're getting we've got to the final I've already organized a babysitter for the final because I've got the kids and do you know what I must say like I feel like I'm enjoying things again that I I forgot how much I got like joy out of do you know what I mean like

I feel like I'm just finding things that doing stuff for me on my own not necessarily on my own because I didn't go and watch the football on my own but I mean like because you're not having to think about what someone else wants to do or do it with them and I'm literally just doing what I want to do like I used to have a season ticket and watch the Spurs game every weekend and I don't know just getting back into like watching football has like I'm like oh my god like I remember I'm a fucking hooligan I'm a yob so no it was just I really really enjoyed that. And like, again, like going to the gym, eating healthy, just doing me, filling my cup up. Obviously still have my kids and stuff,

but I'm missing out. Like I've had a bit of a meltdown last night to my boyfriend just about other stuff going on. But one of the things I've really realised is like, I am struggling with, I don't get a lot of time to fill up my cup for me. Like I miss being able to go and train X amount of times a week. I understand.

Like, bless him, he's going to try and set something up so that I can go and train in the garage and have cameras to see the kids in the house. You know where my garage is? Yeah. It's a little bit too far away. Yeah. I don't know.

I'm missing that element of like, I do miss being able to go to the gym. I had a gym membership for a while, but I just don't get the time in the week to do it. And with my work and everything else, it just wasn't working. So that's really something I want to be able to get back into. I'm really missing that.

No, I get that. I do understand. And do you know what i think it is is like for me now when i have my nights off it used to obviously be a night that i would see my boyfriend yeah now i'm like oh i'm gonna make dinner like have a hot chocolate sit on my like ass on the sofa and just like do me i don't. I don't think I've ever mentioned it before on the podcast, but I am actually writing a book. So I'm finding a lot of this time I'm doing that.

So I'm doing it for me, but then it's also work, but then I find it really therapeutic and I'm just enjoying me time until I'm really ready to meet the love of my life. So yeah, that's my update. All fun and games and positive vibes. Should we get cracking with some emails? Let's do it. Another one.

No, another three. What? Do you know what's really funny? I was about to say something and I shouldn't comment, but I know it's going to be the case. I was going to say these men, but we don't know. Okay, cool. I can see the girl's name who's writing it.

Okay, cool. Guys, we do want more men's writing. Please write in. We're not getting any. Okay. Hi, girls. A bit of a long one, but bear with. I started following you ladies on TikTok a year ago after I finally left my husband the day after my 40th birthday. Your episode 43, I don't know what one that is, resonates with me so much. A month before lockdown, a 12-year-old, a two-year-old and a six-month-old baby, my husband stood in the shower and said he no longer loved me.

a six-month-old baby, my husband stood in the shower and said he no longer loved me. Why are they naked? Why are they naked when they're saying it? Is it like Dutch courage with their penis out? Like it makes them feel manly

and like, fine, babe, you and me. You and me, buddy. Sorry. I just imagine him standing in the shower holding the shower head being like,

I don't want to be with you anymore. And he's willing to hang in. Ugh. I'd be like, can you put some fucking clothes on you? Put it away. He said the sexual side of things was not how it used to be.

No shit, Sherlock. I've got a two-year-old and a six-month-old baby. Your sexual needs aren't my priority right now. I up my game in fear of him walking out. Silly, silly woman. Lockdown began and something just didn't feel right. So I picked up his phone. It is so hard to explain it.

I wonder if men get that same instinct. I'd be interested to hear any men who are listening who have caught their partners cheating. Did you get like a gut feeling? Like what made you? Good question. Yeah. I'd just be really interested.

I don't know if it's a female instinct or whether it's just like an in an instinct for humans yeah yeah right in i'd love to know um as i sat and read pages and pages of messages to his ex from 20 years ago who no longer lived in the same country as us i had to hold back the sick, dirty, filthy messages going back years, even before we had married in 2012. Sheesh. Hold on, it gets worse. His work phone rang and he was in the shower. So I answered it to hear a girl's voice, one of his employees. She said it didn't matter and she'd call him back my woman's intuition kicked in i looked her up on instagram and realized they followed each other and she was half his age

a blonde pretty fake boob kind of girl she'd posted lots of half naked pictures of on holiday and my husband had loved them all. It gets better. I then realised that he'd logged onto his social media. Really quickly, what are your thoughts on men liking other women's photos? Not acceptable. Yeah, I agree. I don't understand the need for it. I think it's giving another woman attention and I think it's disrespectful.

Yeah, I agree. It's a red flag. It's a massive red flag. But actually, I think if you'd asked a lot of men the other way around like would you want your woman to be going around liking other men's photos probably not it's the same it works both ways i think it's wrong either way like do you know what some men think is the red flag women who post photos quite explicit photos of themselves because they are trying to seek attention. I agree.

I do agree with that. Yeah. I do sometimes. It's a fine line, isn't it? Like, what do you class as explicit? Is a picture in a bikini explicit or is that just you on holiday? Maybe I shouldn't have posted my bikini pictures. I don't know.

Oh, I never thought that. You're such a red flag. No, but yeah, but has that made my boyfriend feel uncomfortable? I don't know. It's not something I've considered. I mean, you're right. But flag no but yeah but has that made my boyfriend feel uncomfortable I don't know it's not something I've considered I mean you were like with your

but I'm not posting that it's like a carousel like you with your kids like you're hardly being like fucking provocative are you like

I don't feel like I'd say posing on a rock I'm pretty sure you're on a rock that's when I was with him he took but you're dressed you're dressed

for some anyway I'd be interested to know am I doing this But you're dressed. You're dressed. Anyway. I'd be interested to know. Am I doing, is that wrong? I don't know. No, I don't view yours as that though. Also.

Do you know what I think? I mean, I think when you go on a woman's Instagram and it's every single grid post is like her, like in different outfits and like really raunchy and like her boobs are out and like posing and pouting. you can see yours is very much like family travel but you know what it is like even if I post pictures on my own even if like the beginning was I don't view myself as a sexy person I feel myself I view myself as like this awkward like like I find it weird when my partner calls me sexy because I'm like yeah I don't have to say that, I'm not. And he's like, no, but you are.

But I think the way I view myself is really different. Whereas I feel like when I look at people's pictures who are sexy and provocative, I don't have any like correlation or... I do, I do understand what you mean. I'm not saying that you're not sexy. It's fine, I take it. I'm not.

I just mean that I think the Instagrams that I'm envisioning right now are the sort of like, don't want to disrespect, Love Island-y, the sort of people that probably get poached

for that program. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. That sometimes gives off a flash. Yeah. Do you know what? I would never post like a picture of my underwear.

Someone that would put like a bikini or underwear photo on Hinge. Yeah. And do you know what? Actually, I got approached to work with an underwear brand. And I actually turned it down because it's not, it was like about sexy underwear. I just thought like, this is my vibe on Instagram. I don't want, it's just, and even if it's about body confidence whatever it is it's just not what I want to be

doing on the internet bro but I don't know if I thought about it like a bikini for same I don't know I don't know I don't know maybe it's something to think about I've not I've not thought about it it gets better I then realized that he had logged... Also, can I just say, weren't on my bikini pictures, I'm not there like holding it like... You know, like some bikini pictures, you can get like... Yeah. Like mine's just like...

Yeah, like literally. Anyway, sorry. I don't know how you think about it now. But now I'm stressing myself out that maybe I'm being disrespectful. I don't know. You're not. That hasn't crossed my mind once.

No, it's never crossed my mind before. And I'm like, oh, is that like... I don't know. Yeah, anyway. Think about it. Well, I don't want to be a hypocrite either. You're not. I want to be true to my core values.

You are. No worries here. Anyway, it gets better i then realized that he'd logged onto his social media on his work phone and hadn't logged out i felt sick shaking i opened his twitter and there it was girl number three one who lived a few streets away from us one who he told he was leaving me and one they'd been arranging to meet in hotels together but hadn't actually done it. Oh, but at least he hadn't done it.

Blue Peter Barge. Like these men. These men. It's the premeditation. Me and my partner were like, sorry, sorry. It's the fact that there's three women. It's not even, it's just. It there's three women so even it's it's

just it's just all of it it's your prick yeah yeah and it's also that he's tried to like turn the blame onto her and like made it about you know this this it's not a spell say like it's not it's you you are the problem well i flipped confronted him in the midst of lockdown called the girl who now lived abroad as at one point she had actually been a friend of mine she told me they had never not messaged and apologized that the messages had got sexual i demanded he told me where the local women lived and he stupidly did this was at a time where we could only leave the house for an hour a day well you could use that out i placed my babies in their double pram and i walked her house and At a time where we could only leave the house for an hour a day. Well, good use of that hour.

I placed my babies in their double pram and I walked to her house and banged on her door. I remained calm yet shaking. She told me she was also married with a two-year-old and that she was sorry and that they'd only ever kissed when he'd been to her house. I walked for three hours that day. You've read. Get those steps in. I wonder if her husband knows. I want to tell him.

Give him 10M? I never told my family or friends. Everyone was so worried about COVID. It felt insignificant. He begged, I forgave him and promised it was only messages. I was scared alone and frightened for the fear of losing my family lockdown went well and we seemed happy i never forgot and it played in my mind every day and at times i'd just sob fast forward to 2023 my 40th birthday party all

my friends work colleagues etc and boom he got so drunk he called me the girl's name in front of everyone oh oh shit that is actually mortifying like but it makes him look so stupid oh my god yeah i've got no ads it's bad enough being called the other being called a different name in private. Yeah. In front of everyone. Bloody hell. I took his phone and there it was. They were still in contact, talking sexually.

I was mortified and everyone now knew and couldn't believe I'd been through all of this and not told anyone. I put my drunk husband in a taxi and I spent the night at a friend's. I returned home and told him to pack his bags. I love this energy of that final, it's the straw that broke the camel's back. It's enough.

Get the fuck out of here, mum. I also think it's like when other people find out stuff and you're not dealing with things on your own. And not that it is about other people's opinions, but I think it's a harsh reality of, I've known for so long this is wrong. Well, it makes it feel more real once in a while. Yeah, people know, doesn't it?

Thirteen months later, my divorce is finally through. It's been a year of firsts, a new me, hard times, financial hardship. I sought therapy and then found you girls also my friends and family have been my everything and got me through it all he now begs for me to take him back every day but i never would ah what a fucking loser last month was my 41st birthday my best friends took me away for the weekend so i could forget the shit of all i love that what great friends my life has could forget the shit. Oh, I love that. What great friends.

My life has never felt better. Thanks for listening. Oh, I love that. I love that you're in a better place now. You've got good people around you. I love that he's begging for you back every day. I'm embarrassed for his life. Hope you're listening, hon.

You're a loser. And yeah, fucking love it. I think sometimes you have to get to that point. Like we've said it so many times, like you have to be ready to leave. Like you have to get to that point. And sometimes you just get that wait up call where you're like, what am I doing?

Well, you know what makes that make? How much am I going to take? Sometimes they say you need to stay until you hate them. And do you know what? It actually, that actually makes so much sense. It's so much easier to leave when you just hate that person. I think, and perhaps some people, it's just a lot easier to hate them

or it takes less to hate them. It took me a long time for their hate to override the love that I had. But I think the love I had was romanticised, as always, which I really like that I do, far too much. I think I hated him so much, so quickly. But on reflection, I think it's because the love was gone before it happened. I know, I get that.

But yeah, I think it's true. They say, stay until you hate them so much. You're almost doing the healing while you're there. And I'm not sitting here saying, oh, it's cool. Just stay, stay, brush it under the carpet, brush it under the carpet. But I don't regret how I dealt with things with my marriage but I know that and I've said it before had I left sooner than being ready I

it would have been a back and forth job and yeah like things happen the way that they happen don't they you get your light bulb moment when you get it and you just got to roll with it okay this is called a fair hangover to Carly and T, can I start by saying thank you? Thank you for helping me get through the darkest times. When I found your podcast, it was like a light bulb moment. Finally, I found my people who know how I feel and validated my emotions. What a relief to not be on my own with these thoughts. I love that. I can't tell you how much I actually needed to hear that today. Good, I'm glad.

There you go. Thanks, babes. My story is a complete cliche. I met my husband at university. We were together for 17 years. The first 10 years were fantastic. We had two girls who were now 13 and 10. He was my best friend.

Looking back, I could see things deteriorated and communication broke down. He was emotionally avoidant and COVID lockdown brought things... Everyone's talking about COVID today. my best friend looking back i could see things deteriorated and communication broke down he was emotionally avoidant and covid lockdown brought thing everyone's talking about covid today and covid lockdowns brought this into focus i asked him to start marriage counseling a number of times but there just wasn't the want there to get things back on track fast forward to October 22. I noticed a change in his behavior. Always do. Out all the time, smirking at his phone.

You know, that's actually a peeve of mine. Oh my God, yeah. No, no, no, even friends. Like, I'm not even talking relationships. No, it's not even a trigger. If I'm with someone and they're like, I literally look at them, I'm like, do you want to share with the room?

Like, if you're going to sit with me and smile at your phone, either share the banter or get off your phone. Maybe it is a trigger, but smirking at your phone in front of your wife, you fucking sell it. They don't realise they're staring at you, do they? Although, do you know, I was at the other thing. I think it's nice when you start dating someone or speaking to someone and you catch yourself smiling at your girl. Yeah, I love that.

Yeah, I like that too. Anyway. When we were watching telly, phone glued to his side, moody and distant. I snooped on his emails and found he'd ordered an STI kit. Oh, good lord. I felt this wasn't enough to confront him. One evening I managed to get onto his phone and didn't find anything apart from phone calls when he was supposedly out walking the dog to a woman who after a bit of googling I found was a receptionist who was 10 years younger than me from his work.

Another one. I messaged my best friend who sensibly told me to check his archive messages. And there it was. A 17 year long relationship totally blown apart in one hour time period. Do you know what it is? That that's really hit home when like. When you go from not knowing to knowing. And it's like just everything just crumbles.

Oh, that feeling. It's just made me funny. Yeah, it makes your chest go funny. Like thinking your life can change in a split second. But I guess that's that's relationships when you're with someone you are putting your trust and essentially your love and everything into someone else's hand you're investing into them 100 the worst of it was that he was careless with how he conducted his affair. Aren't they always a bit careless? I don't know whether they become careless because they don't care anymore

if they get caught. Like, did you want to get caught? Some men, I don't think, well, I genuinely believe some men or some people don't want to get caught. Because they want to lead best of both worlds. Or it is the fear of the unknown. Like I genuinely think, I'm trying to think constantly, that's current.

Yeah, I think some people think I can have both of these things without the other person finding out. And that maybe this will give me a bit of what I need and then maybe I'll go back and maybe things would have got better there and where if they're not doing the work. Yeah, I think there's two sides.

I think some genuinely don't ever think they'll get caught, don't want to get caught and they want to lead like the best of both worlds. And then I think others, they're such fucking pussies, know that they don't have the fucking guts and balls and they're not manly enough to to approach the situation let them know so they end up getting sloppy on purpose to get caught to then be told to like you need to go there i'm telling you now when they want to leave

they don't usually a lot of the time i don't think they say it. I think they purposely become sloppy. I also think a lot of people are just cowards. Yeah. The worst of it was, oh, so he was careless. Talking about that O.W. Oh, other woman. Talking about that other woman with my oldest child, texting her in front of my daughter. So essentially, my then 12-year year old knew he was up to something

before i did that's just cruel no no that's just he's just thick as shit that's not intentional that's pure thick as shit to add drama to the situation that other women was engaged to a woman at the time i wasn't expecting that jesus we should just like i want to find it i want to find that woman who was being cheated on i'm on here her side was engaged to a woman at the time so my husband had started a six month long affair with a lesbian who was 10 years younger than me all this he couldn't make that Sorry, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but if you were to write that down, you'd be like,

how is this my name? My husband is having an affair with a lesbian. Cool. All this was two weeks before my 40th birthday party. Of course, a lot of 40ths and COVIDs going on around, isn't there? Which, of course,

I ended up cancelling. I relate. I cancelled my 30th party i was spoken about that yeah i had to cancel my 30th party for reasons that i will not be able to share i threw him out that night everyone told me he would come crawling back and ask for forgiveness but he never ever has he is not with the other woman now and we are divorced he claims he couldn't risk hurting me anymore but i know deep down he just doesn't love me anymore i found the rejection really hard to handle and it's really damaged my self-esteem i got back on the dating bandwagon quickly as i just needed the dead and i needed to deaden the, which was probably the wrong thing to

do, but it helped a little at a time. Nine months ago, after a lot of first dates, a situation shift and some weirdos, I met the kindest man with so many green flags. He is reassuring, communicative and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I've recognised I have real issues of anxiety in this relationship, constantly looking for signs that he's pulling away, or his feelings changing, and a fear that he's going to reject me just like my ex did. Needing reassurance all the time, it's getting to the point where I can see I'm going to self-sabotage

if I don't get a handle on it. Tell me how I can get control of this, I really want this relationship to work. The cherry on the top over the past few weeks has been the discovery that my ex-husband started dating one of my friends. Shit friends. What a

cunt. Not a really close friend, but a mum from school who I confided in when going through the divorce. Morphal story. Yeah. You forgot you know what he's capable of. Yeah. Like you're just...

Like we said, they don't go for better, they go for easier. Discovery of this felt like another betrayal and took me right back to those first few weeks post-affair discovery. I really understand that. New information can really set you back.

But I don't... I'm not going to go into this too much before I finish the email and I don't want this to be like a well you should have done this but because you hadn't done the work that's going to hit you much harder but we can give advice when we finish the rest of the email um my ex thinks I'm totally unreasonable to be upset about this but i don't want this in my face and i don't want to see her at the school gate it feels like an invasion of my space and privacy i can really understand that i just want a quiet life where i can be happy leave the hangover of the affair and a failed marriage behind it sometimes feels never ending

i'm still having counseling 20 months on i'm really happy that you're getting that counseling it helps but I need advice on blocking out what my ex-husband is doing and focus focusing on lowering my anxiety my new relationship thank you for reading this far so much of what you both say resonates and what I have been through you've both kept me slightly more sane and kept the fight going I will get there eventually can I just say and I really really don't want this to be offensive or anything but this is a prime example of us explaining that when you jump into something very quickly and haven't done the work history repeats itself I don't necessarily mean history that he's going to cheat on you because you've obviously by the sounds of it found a really good person but you haven't done the work so you are still that insecure rejected sad person you need to do the work and I'm not saying that you can't do it in your relationship

your partner can help you heal things that you may not have been able to do on your own you're in this situation now so you just got to work with what you've got I'm really glad that you're having therapy but you still need to do the work but I do also feel like I resonate with a lot of what you're saying but I feel like even having done some of the work the anxieties you have about you thinking he might do the same to you. I think that does have to come from being in a relationship after you've been betrayed and been hurt. Like, and it's something I've absolutely struggled with.

I've absolutely nearly gone into self-sabotage. And I feel like there's maybe been points over the last however many months we've been together now where like I could have completely pushed him away but one thing and I think it's good that you're recognizing you're doing those things I think that's a really positive but you need to do the work I'm constantly doing the work in my new relationship where I'm not taking old traumas into it or I'm trying to work through those traumas on my own without always having to get that reassurance and don't get me wrong there still are some some days where I have to ask for the reassurance but again that's

also the one thing I'm trying to do is doing that in a way that's non-accusatory and it's saying look I'm really struggling today I've tried to resolve this on my own but I'm having a little trouble would you mind giving me a little bit of extra reassurance today um but they like we've spoken about it before there comes a point where you have to take the ownership and the acceptance of doing that work like for me I've really like really focused on all the green flags like I think about when I'm having those moments where I'm like oh like what if he like breaks your heart like what if the same thing happens what if you put all this trust and then it's taken away

and I think like things I do is I before I like write the message or before I make the phone call I sit there and I write all like the positive things even he's done that day or that week and that show me actually he very much like loves me and cares about me and then I'm like this is all in your head and I think when you recognize it is in your head and not everyone is the same and you said like he's giving you all these green flags he communicates his caring i do find like being able to talk about my feelings but it gets to a point like i feel like we're very much at a point where my boyfriend's like we've been together over a year like i just

want you to completely trust me i'm not gonna hurt you and i think there comes a point where you just have to let go you just have to trust i and do it. You just have to trust. I agree. You have to give them the benefit of the doubt. I think we spoke about it and you briefly mentioned it. It's really nice seeing that when you're with someone else and they can kind of like help you and reassure you and help you with those anxieties. But eventually you do need to take ownership and realise that this is a me problem.

You can't always be there to fix it and really do the inner work. I'm really glad that you're seeing a therapist. But if you're not finding that therapist helpful enough to really help you with those anxieties. And unfortunately, the thing is, you went into another relationship still heartbroken and by the sounds of it in love with your ex and feeling very rejected you need to do that work like obviously the self-sabotaging and the worrying that your new boyfriend is gonna do the same that is obviously something that you really need to work on but I'd really really focus and concentrate on letting go of the rejection and the feelings and the disappointment of what your ex has done to you.

It's writing those lists of everything that isn't good about him, the benefits of not being with him, stopping romanticising what you had. Like, it is very, very difficult to let go of someone when you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with them but i think you really really need to start journaling doing more to help you let go of past wounds because you you haven't yet which isn't going to help your relationship you you'll know you're in a good place when the other woman the other woman can trigger

you but it shouldn't like and look kill you can't relate about knowing the other woman i think that must be hard yeah you're at the school gates the scene yeah i'm just rubbish but you've almost got to feel sorry for her yeah that's how you've got to get to that point and think like all the best good luck with my life i'm at the point where I don't I don't care about like who my my ex is with

I don't care like the only things I care about are the things that impact my kids because in terms of his relationship with her

knock your socks off like it doesn't bother me at all I agree but yeah do the work you've got to do the work you've got to do the work right hi Tash and carly love listening

to you both every thursday why are you not listening monday i'm released at this point hopefully you are now um it cheers me up so much it's like my therapy thursday like that my boyfriend has an ex-wife well wife but separated and going through a divorce and two children with her. I knew it was going to be tough when she found out he'd moved on as I was the girl she always worried about but it's worse than I imagined. Obviously my partner and his ex speak due to the children which I have no problem with as it's strictly about the children but recently she has been sending him nasty messages about me and she's been calling me a slag and a whore she has been screenshotting my social media pictures and basically taking the

piss out of them she's been shouting in the streets that i am a whore recently she added me on social media and i obviously declined now she's been getting her friends to add me on social media and I obviously declined. Now she has been getting her friends to add me on social media and she has even used a fake account to contact me. She has been asking our mutual friends to see my social media. She then told my boyfriend that she knows where I live etc and due to us living locally we have started seeing each other a few times and she has started telling my boyfriend I'm stalking her and following her. Obviously I'm not and it's just a coincidence but she's making me out to be this horrible person. I would normally not care about what she thinks but because they have two children together

and I can see a future with my partner I want to be part of their lives and I can't have their mother bad-mouthing me to them. She constantly asks who he's with, who he's going away with and I'm just getting sick of it. When she found out he was going away with me I genuinely thought she was going to drive over to his house and cause a scene. I just need some advice because it's really getting me down and making me concerned that she will make my life hell with my boyfriend i want a life with him and his children and hopefully i have our own as well but she's making it impossible to think about this life i've never spoken badly of her and i said she will always be the kid's mother so i

will be amicable with her but i have had a year of this and i'm getting fed up any advice can i ask you one thing? There's something that you wrote at the beginning of the email that doesn't sit very well with me, got to be honest. When she put... I was the girl she always worried about. Why? Like, I'm not for a second um condoning any of her behavior but i'm wondering if there was at all an overlap that you're unaware of

or like why would she have been worried yeah you have like an over-friendly relationship when he was married? Do you like, like, there might not. For me, it almost seems as though she knows. This should be someone you worry about when you're married. It's like she knows something that you don't know. It's giving red flags of him. I don't want to put anything in your head, but I really want to understand why does she worry about you? Because if she worried about you,

I understand that her behavior sounds quite erratic and a bit psycho. But what's made her psycho? Yeah, what's made her psycho? I'd almost be intrigued to know what she thinks happened, how she thinks it happened. was he dishonest with her have you considered sitting down and talking to her yeah like I'm I'm almost wanting you to kind of like confront her and be like look I'm really happy I really want to be able to get on I I want to be able to be there for your kids as much as I'm able to. I'm never going to take your place.

But I don't know. I feel like you may not know something. Yeah, like Tash said. It's weird. It's weird. But her behaviour is extreme, especially like calling out in public that you're a whore. But it makes me think that she knows something.

Yeah, you don't know what's happened. Obviously, you only know one side of the story, your boyfriend's side, what he's told you. It does sound a bit strange. I would potentially reach out. Look, I'm someone, I absolutely hate conflict. I've not had a situation yet where I've met like my boyfriend's ex or I've not met my ex's new

partner I want to have at some point an amicable relationship with everyone and everyone I'm not here like I think you've got to remember like sometimes like you're not here to steal anyone you're there because you love someone. And where there's kids involved, you've got to do the right thing by the kids. Which she's obviously doing. Trying to do. But I would maybe approach the situation and find out, like, what the reason for her behaviour is.

I don't know. It's like there's an underlying reason. I would also, like, speak to my boyfriend and be like, this seems really extreme. Like, is there something i don't quite know about and give him a chance to say it to you that'd be like like what's he doing in terms of she's doing all this this stuff to you is he saying this is unacceptable is he sticking up for like for me if if i had someone doing that to me and my boyfriend wasn't being like backing you yeah backing me and saying you're right it's unacceptable I'm gonna speak to her because this has to start I would be concerned at how much he cares about me because that's not okay as well that's not

what it's been going on for a year as well that's a very long period of time like there's only so much someone can take but if I felt like my boyfriend wasn't stepping up and being like no something needs to get sorted we either all need to sit down together and have a grown-up discussion or whatever it is I would be quite concerned that he's okay to just let me what take it for another year another two years like I agree guys while Carly is going through our confessions to find one for the week I wanted to ask you because I think we spoke about it on Patreon. We want you to be sending us screenshots of your own dating profiles so we can look at them and maybe give you like advice or what we think is good, what we don't think is good. And also please send us screenshots of guys or girls that you are potentially

wanting today. We want to see them. We want to rate them. We want to let you know if we think that they're a green flag, a red flag, like what's nice, what's not nice. We want to see them we want to rate them we want to let you know if we think that they're a green flag a red flag like what's nice what's not nice we want to see some dating app stuff so yeah send it in okay guys confession of the week i left my husband in 2022 and now have fallen in love with a girl it's what i've been missing my whole life so guys if yeah if you're stressing over not meeting the right man maybe you're looking at the wrong sex wrong gender interesting trusting let's do a little affirmation affirmation of the week. Okay, here's one. I am so lucky and everything works out for me. I think we need to treat everything we're going through as lessons that we're lucky to have this new knowledge and life lessons and wake up calls because everything works out for you everything works out for me love that guys thank you so much um for joining and guys like we said we are so sorry this is

actually going to be our last episode now for the summer and we will be back in september but if you need that fix head over to our instagram account click on the link in our bio and go and sign up to Patreon. Even if it's just for the month, it's £4 for the month. So, so worth it. And yeah,

thank you so much, guys. We hope you enjoyed and we will see you after the summer. Bye.