Not As We Planned - 54. A LOT happened this summer….

Episode Date: September 5, 2024

We are so happy to be back and with a new name and look! We have a big catch up to update you on what you’ve been missing, we hear from the ex husband of an email we’ve shared previously and seeing how he never changed because he’s gone and done it to the other woman!!! Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Planned, so get ready for an honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinions, and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel that I am one, and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys and welcome back. Why is it winter? What's summer doing? We hope that you all had the most amazing summer

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You've got loads to catch up on. And yeah, welcome back. And it's been a lull hard summer and it's 99 degrees in the shade. Okay, well, we think we should do like a little catch-up so it's hard to remember what like what we did a holiday okay fine so that was like your first thing she went away quite soon yeah broke up from school and then went straight on holiday best holiday i've had with the kids it was love that so nice it's for the first time I completely let go of any routine I think I've always been like a bit like like they should go to bed like

maybe like nine o'clock like although that's still out of routine this was literally like they were going to bed at midnight they were waking up at 10 30 11 yeah it was so nice my mum being there I think being in an apartment rather than a hotel we weren't structured to meal time yeah when breakfast and stuff it wasn't yeah this is my favorite part of the holiday like in a hotel like who doesn't love a beaut breakfast buffet and it was just really nice to kind of completely let loose loads of their friends were there and that is what made the holiday it It was like a constant play date. I know that.

So like, yeah, my mum came with, but my mum was literally just like one of us. We were with all my friends the whole time and their kids. We went to different apartments every day. We were together every evening. So the kids just had friends the whole time. They were so well behaved. Blake slept through.

So apparently he needs to go to bed at midnight and swim every day in order to sleep so in other words he's not sleeping again um and that we marry a rich man yeah and that was just so it made like i actually you know when you go on holiday with kids you're like i now need a holiday from my holiday. I didn't feel like I needed a holiday. I genuinely felt like refreshed because I slept every night. The kids were waking up late. So I'd wake up like two hours before them and go on a nice walk while my mum laid in. What a dream.

It was really, really nice. So, yeah, we're going to do it again next year for longer. And yeah, everyone was asking where my airport dad was, but he didn't make the cut. He didn't want to come. He can't tolerate it. And it was really nice being with my mum as well because she's literally not my best friend.

So yeah, it was really nice. And then I can't even think. Taylor Swift. Oh my God, yes. Taylor Swift was better than my wedding day. And that's why her marriage is a bit easy. It was honestly the best night. I feel like it was like, do you know what I love about my sister?

My sister's been fine. She got, someone gave her a free ticket. She's like, I'm going again. I'm so, I was really holding out, hoping I would go again. What I love about the fans the tailor is like no one judges anyone everyone's literally like dancing like however they want screaming like it's just so everyone's so nice and it literally just felt like a load of girls singing their hearts out with these songs that probably got them through breakouts it was just

so therapeutic um so yeah that was an epic night never to forget i've still got you can see my 13 on my hand stained my tan forever forever and ever um so it had Swifty. I don't know. Should I share it? I shared it a bit on Patreon. I have gone back on the dating app. I actually, I'm trying to think what to share and what not to share, guys. I unpaused my hinge for about 20 minutes uh and i was in flux and in that 20 minutes sexy in that 20 minutes i match with this guy um let's call him

what are we calling him we're not calling him six six okay we can call him that we're gonna call him six six why are we calling him six six because he's six foot fucking six he's six foot fucking six and that's the end so you need ignore all the red flags if they're exists, they get a fucking hall pass. Look, it's very early days. I like tall people. Paranice. Paranice has found a new kink.

No, that's the wrong word. A new trait she likes in men which is height um yeah so um that's done i feel like that's it i don't feel like maybe you want to hear more you'll have to go to patreon yeah i'm pretty sure you share yeah i did share A bit more there Anyway That's me honey How about you babe

Do you look a bit Bronzed I don't know It's real fake I don't know We're just in a blur A bit all I

What did I do You know One of the most Spontaneous things Super things ever I don't know I remember when You just messaged me

I think I think we were like I was when you just messaged me I think I think we were like I was a what was I still away yeah I was still away and you were like yeah I'm just packing and I was like I thought you weren't going till I got back and you were like no I'm going to Disney tomorrow and I was like okay you said it like you're going to fucking Lakeside I literally no there's something wrong with me this summer. Firstly, right, this all happened in the space of a week. I randomly got an idea in my head that I was going to redecorate Milo's room. The next thing I know, I'm in a home base getting a colour mixed up and I'm painting on my own.

Like, what am I doing? Yeah, what are you doing? What am I doing? But then, yeah, I got the idea in my head to take the kids to Disneyland Paris. I found a really good offer, Disney Plus. Like, if you're a Disney Plus member, it was like 20 off until the end of september and then because milo's three at the end of september he was free to go to disney so it was so cheap and i was like i'm just gonna fucking do it and i texted my boyfriend he was away with his kids and i was

like yeah so we're going to disney he was like what do you mean you're going to disney next week i was like i'm going to disney next week he's was like, what do you mean you're going to Disney next week? I was like, I'm going to Disney next week. He was like, I don't even know what you want me to say. But you know what? I think it just made me not overthink. And I didn't go mad on buying them Disney stuff. We have Disney stuff and superhero stuff. So I think I bought them one new jacket each.

And I bought them one outfit each. And yeah, packed bags we did carry-on bags like backpacks we flew there hindsight i would have got the euro star again just because we had delays and faff and all this rubbish but it was just so much more expensive the inside scoop on the way home and you were giving me the inside scoop she was yeah i got delayed on the way home. And you were giving me the inside scoop. She was. Yeah, I got delayed on the way home for an hour in the airport and then an hour on the plane.

Every parent's worst nightmare and even more so when you're a single parent. Actually, my kids were amazing. I will say the night before we went in, it literally gives me like, even thinking about when you messaged me telling me this. Yeah, I knew you'd be like what

the hell you doing i couldn't breathe yeah so basically i booked a hotel for the night before and because we're flying from gatwick and it's miles from my house and it was it was it wasn't a really early flight but you know when you're just like what if the traffic's bad this that so just take your stress away we're there get everyone get everyone in bed. Milo is sick, all over his cot, like projector. And I'm just like, firstly,

they were the only pyjamas I packed for the trip because we were only away a couple of nights. I was like, cool. And then I was like, what if he's up all night

throwing up? Like then what if Theo catch it? What if I catch it? What if we're just sick? So there was a point. That was my instant thought. Like what the fuck are you doing? No, but that like, it would was a point. That was my instant thought.

Like, what the fuck are you doing? No, but that like, it would be a bug. Well, then I was, I'm not going to lie, I had a bit of a freak out and I did call my boyfriend. I was like, what do you think I should do? And he's like, look, see what he's like in the night and then make a call in the morning. Luckily, did nothing else. And I don't know whether it had been really hot that week

and I don't know whether it was a bit like heat strokey or, I don't know whether it had been really hot that week. And I don't know whether it was a bit heat-strokey or... I don't know. It could be anything. It didn't spread. It obviously wasn't a bug. Because my kids literally breathe into my mouth. Do you know what I mean? There's no way we wouldn't have caught it.

So, yeah. Anyway, we went. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It was hard work but it's funny i always feel like when you get back from these things i can't remember the hard bits i just remember all the good bits and it's so worth it and my top tips particularly if you're traveling alone and the weirdest thing is when we were watching the fireworks i stood like from nine o'clock just to hold a space and the kids were knackered so i got their tablets out

i took a double pram anyone who's not taking a pram for a five six seven year old you're i had to rent my plate i don't it's and he's the size of a facility like 10 year old it's a lot it's not i've been pissed around in a fucking pram you know yeah and um but i will say like don't no one cares there no one's looking you oh my god your kids this old and in the pram like do it it's a lot of walking also both my kids napped in the days both days were in the park and so we're knackered um but yeah I was stood there and then there was this other single mum with two boys older than mine and we got talking and I just thought like what are the odds and it was really amazing she's been doing it a bit longer than me but it just felt quite empowering and like just to talk to someone and be like like god it's hard work but wow it's worth it

and would you do it again i would and and do you know what it's weird thing to say but dizzy has always been that thing for me that's been off the cards that has been unachievable because of the challenges and i've done it i don't feel like there's anything I can't do on my own anymore I feel so empowered like my kids were amazing we had some proper talks before we went and their reaction I did post a reaction video on my um Instagram it was I couldn't have asked for a better reaction Theo Theo's just at that age where he just was like what today like it was just yeah it was amazing Milo absolutely loved it I didn't have a problem getting on any of the rides I did carry Milo onto the ride so I don't know if he would have been bigger whether they would let three of us sit but that's future problems now we've done it

smashed it they met their superhero heroes and it was just magical and I'm so pleased I did it so and I get asked a lot about going away on my own the biggest advice I'll give is start small like you know go and do a day out then go and do an overnight stay somewhere in England somewhere accessible then push for two nights still in England and then go abroad and you know what like every single trip I've been on has been challenging but it makes me feel so much stronger and like I can literally do anything because I'm still here and I still want to go again. So it can't be that bad. So that was amazing.

And then I had a child-free holiday on a cruise with my boyfriend. We went on one of the Virgin Voyages cruise. We'd never cruised before. Didn't know if it was for us. We're sold. We already want to go away next year just waking up somewhere new every day the ship was insane like it didn't I didn't know what to expect for a ship and you couldn't feel the moving at all which I know something

we've both worried about but like literally some days I was like oh we're moving like it was weird it has like a nightclub a casino a tattoo parlor like hairdresser have you got any we didn't nearly got a tattoo we weren't gonna say we didn't we definitely did talk about it because i don't know we were just in this like hi how many people must come back from that cruise being like look i've got my arm but you know what i'm like i'm not gonna like like it's the longest time i've spent with my boyfriend and we said like we said it could be make or break we knew it wasn't gonna be break it's and I hate to be that person and I'm sick and in love like I make myself sick sometimes but honestly like I feel so close I'm in such a good place like I genuinely trust this man and I genuinely know I'm gonna spend the

rest of my life with him as cheesy as that sounds but I just think things like that solidify and we spoke to quite a lot of other couples and families whilst we were there and everyone thought we'd been together years like they're like oh you're here for like a wedding anniversary like we've been together like 15 months I'm like what and so that was really nice and yeah it was do you know what it was so needed and I thought don't get me wrong it was really hard being away from my kids. Yeah. And my mum had the kids half the week and then their dad had them the second half.

And I wish it had been the other way around because their dad doesn't let me speak to them on FaceTime when they're with them, which I found really hard. I understand from his point of view, he says that they'll just want me. And I agree, they will. that they'll just want me and I agree they will whereas with my mum I think I drove them a little bit mad and was like calling them and facetiming them but they're fine with my mum yeah um I said that was hard but I think where we were so busy it and not like if I was at home on my own I think I would have found that a lot harder but being so busy with me yeah to mention that obviously it's the longest I'd ever been away from them, nine nights. And you were at home, wasn't you?

I was at home. And obviously, last year, when their dad took them away, I was with my ex-boyfriend. So I was really dreading that. It is that bittersweet, because it's like, you want to make the most of it. You know, before you know it, they're going to be back and then you're going to be me. And you know what?

I'm not ashamed to say I really enjoyed it. Like I genuinely did stuff for me. And one thing I did notice, though, is without my kids and some more structure to my day, I did less than I do when I'm with them because i work better under pressure yeah as bad as it is i really thought that i'm gonna sort my house out i'm gonna get all my work done literally sometimes i was so overwhelmed with my to-do list i just sat there that's what i do and then i think you also think oh i don't get the opportunity to just sit and do nothing you're in a battle with yourself about what you should do yeah i. Do you know what? I think because it was an adult only cruise

and I wasn't aware. You didn't see it. We didn't see it. And the days I struggled were the days we got off in Parma and in Ibiza when we went out in the evening and I saw kids similar age to mine. And so I'm glad.

We were in Ibiza. We were sat there just watching the sunset and we could see families like walking past and they were like kids like doing things that like my kids would do and i just burst out crying yeah no that i understand because when i went away kids free last year it was a fact like i remember you saying that i found that result yeah watching other people's kids and being like so do you think like if and when it happens again that we get that break, I think we both would want to do adult only because I think that...

We both sweat always. So like, why wouldn't you want to do adult only? No. It's like literally... Yeah, you know, it was so nice. It was like coming out because there were like 20 restaurants on the ship. So it was like going out for nice meals every night

and like going for a drink and like dressing up. We found different parts on the ship that honestly, like one of the most romantic nights of my life. Like the sunsets were just. See that, that is what is. I'm tempted to do it. Boring me in. I've never seen sunsets like that.

Like a sunset out in the city. Like even like that is. Our last night is the most romantic night of my life. Like we were just, I think we were just both in such a positive place. Everything felt solid. And then you've got this stunning backdrop. And I felt like I was in a movie. I literally was like, am I romanticized in my life?

Or is this actually my life right now? And then coming back to the kids, it was great. But it's been hard. The moon has been doing crazy shit. Well, it's that Mercury retrograde. My kids are like moon children, I'm telling you, because they've been... Are they werewolves? They've been...

Well, one of them definitely is. And it's been hard work this week, but yeah, no, we've had some quite positive... Oh my God, we haven't mentioned anything. We haven't. Yeah. So yeah, anyway, I get back from this cruise, right? haven't mentioned anything yeah so yeah anyway i get back from this cruise right a couple of days and then tash and i had a really mad exciting day but fucking exhausting yeah i got back i had to work as well and i got back i'm literally like i just say you guys so when we left where we

were i was left to park yeah and i And I have the most terrible sense of direction and any memory when it comes to like directions and knowing where we are. And I couldn't remember. She was giving, I was going to like punch her in the face. I've got some video, but I've got video of me and your face in the background. It was like you were going to kill me.

I really was. Do you know what it is? I take for granted that i'm like um like a sniper dog but i can go somewhere once and know how to get okay cool i still use ways to come to your house i don't know how to get here so um yeah are you all right i'm gonna get it i really like it i think I need to get it I'm here for red I feel like I want this in red

like the actual jumper I've got a really nice red jumper that I feel like I wasn't wearing but now I feel like red's back in but now I want the red special yes anyway I couldn't remember where I parked

and we'd had like a whole long day. I was like, I'm sorry, get back to the podcast. I was so scared because I was like, oh my God, do I go this way or this way? And then I was like, yeah, it's definitely this way. And it wasn't. And it wasn't that way, wasn't it? You love me really.

But anyway, should we share? No. Should we? Oh, hold on. It's going to be this episode. Yeah. So we had a full rebrand photo shoot. And I don't know if you guys noticed at the beginning of this episode,

it was a bit of a different intro because we have changed our name slightly. I think we've found ourselves over the last year. Obviously, when we started, we had a vision of what we wanted to do. And I think it's just naturally evolved into something not really dissimilar. But I think we've found where we want it. We've also realized we don't want people reading the title and thinking that you can only resonate if you're a parent. Everything we speak about, every email we get in is probably nothing that you guys plan. Life doesn't go accordingly.

So, yeah, we wanted to kind of like broaden the title slightly we've gone for a completely different look yeah we feel like we found found ourselves we want it to look like so much fun i think it's worth mentioning like tash and i don't frequent photo shoots very often no and so it was really hard being put out our comfort zone behind a camera where it's really easy to like scrutinize yourself yeah and see everything i did well yeah we yeah yeah and tash also had to stand on the sandbag so guys any photos you see and looks like we're really close in height i can confirm confirm that. I think Carly had to bend a bit. I had to bend as you had to go.

And I had to stand on like a sidebar. Can I also just say, I'm not particularly tall. I'm five foot six. She's just really short. Five one. Yeah. I mean, five one, six six. Can you imagine?

Can you imagine? Can you imagine? Anyway, should we dive into some email? Let's dive in. We've received an email that's really stood out to us because we've never had this before we've never had a response from an ex-husband in replying to an email that we read out so we thought that we'd start with that because it's very different and i'm intrigued to see what he has to say should we quickly remind you guys so we wrote out an email I think he said episode 53 and she pretty much shared that it seemed pretty much

so she had shared in her email I think they'd been together for something like 12 or 13 years they had three two or three children i can't remember how many children and he was caught i think messaging sexually a number of women multiple women multiple women and i don't and i think that she got confirmation that he had kissed one of the women because she went to her house she went on a walk during lockdown right there was someone was she the one there was someone really far away as well? There was someone else that he was messaging really far away. And then something happened on her 40th birthday.

He called her the name of one of the women. One of the women. And she ended it. So yeah, we have a response from him. So should we? Okay, crack on. God, Skimmy owns light even reading this. Hello.

Hello. I'm writing just in response to an email you received from my ex-wife that was read out approximately seven minutes in of episode 53 oh guys go back to episode 53 seven minutes writing down making the notes right before i start let me clear let me be clear that i am not trying to defend what I did. How I acted was completely unacceptable and you're both absolutely correcting your assessment of me being the problem, a prick and a loser. I bet Tash said all three of those things. I feel like I'm slightly less blunt.

Slither, loser. You're a prick, you're a problem. You're a fucking loser. I can imagine. However, there are some things that are even not true or deeply exaggerated, whether that is by yourselves. Well, we don't exaggerateate we read what is in front yeah or my ex-wife i'm not sure yeah can we just say when we read these emails i guess this is a disclosure really we read word for word we don't change anything the way you write is the way we

read we don't even cut cut them out we don't cut parts out. We read everything. So, yeah, we are not responsible for what is read out. We are literally reading in. Everything is written in anonymously. It's wild that someone can listen and know it was about them. What if it's not? What if? Yeah, what if it's not about your ex-wife? What if it's someone else?

I think, yeah, it might not about your ex-wife? What if it's someone else? I don't think. Yeah. Might just be a really similar situation. I find it wild that someone would listen to that podcast. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. We must be reaching people.

Right. Also, can we quickly pause for one minute? Can we actually just touch on the man hate that we got on that podcast? Oh, i'm not gonna lie i've cried about it have you yeah last about it so i've gone back and forth can we quickly just touch so in case you didn't know there is a teaser that we put on our instagram and we can see it literally 30 seconds and we speak about when the kids come back from their dad and they don't smell like them. They don't smell at home.

We specifically said it's not a bad smell. I probably, as always, made a bit of a face. But then I went, it's his aftershave. I think it's safe to say it is not toxic to admit that you do not want that constant reminder of the smell. Even my ex-boyfriend, we don't share kids with each other. If a man walked past me wearing his aftershave, smells have memories.

They bring emotions back. That's not me, my kids coming back and me being like, ugh, you stink of your dad, get in the fucking bath. So it wasn't like that. My kids have a bath every single night. It was just like, let's go and have a bath. It wasn't, I think, I don't know, particularly. Sometimes when we talk, like, I'm not saying we exaggerate it,

but like, oh my God, like, anyway, these men. The way we talk to each other is like, the way we talk in this podcast is how you would a friend. That is how I would speak about it to a friend. So, yeah, do you know? Anyway, it's gone viral and all the negative comments are men i'm not a layman hey so fucking triggered that's why i laugh about it i did write a few funny replies back when i was sat there going they're so triggered they're like you two are red flags

you two are nice no we're, middle-aged, bitter women. I've never been called fucking middle-aged in my life, so can you fuck off, please? This Botox is lacking. That's why I'm more pissed off for her. The thing is, why it hasn't bothered me is because I know how wrong they are, and I know that, also, it's all men. Every single woman is agreeing.

Every single man. Do you know what? So many women are saying, oh, my God, I thought I was going crazy. That was what I was going to do. I noticed this smell. I just thought it was really funny to see how triggered these men are being like, oh, like, I hope your kids don't see that.

No. One of them was like, no wonder your ex-husband left you. Like, please. Like, we left, honey. Like, really nasty comments. Do you know what? i'm not going to sugarcoat it for me i think in i think this last year i've realized i think i thought i was a lot more thick skinned than i am and things have been getting under my skin lately and i hate the thought of offending people i take things really personally i am a people pleaser i like to keep people happy. And the thought that someone was looking at me, judging me, thinking, oh my God, this girl is like saying her ex-husband smells disgusting and she has to wash her kids straight away.

That was not the message. And if you listen to that episode, you'll know that. Yeah, that was, you know, I think for me, I feel like I'm thick skinned with things that I'm so sure of. And I know, I don't care if you think I'm blowing fucking smoke up my ass because I'll blow it all day. I know I'm a green flag. I know I'm not toxic. I know that I do things in the right way. I know I'm a good mom.

So fucking bring it on. Slate me as much as you want. I don't give a fuck. And the way that conversation came up was we'd spoken about it before. It was literally an observation. a fucking show what and the way that conversation came up was we'd spoken about it before it was literally um an observation but i'd really been noticing my kids smelling different and you know what it's not just stuff their dad they're with another woman now and i can smell her and my kids and anyone who tells me that doesn't trigger them or make them feel a certain way you're lying to yourself but like i said even if you slept okay this is really random okay

there is a particular soap pan soap that i remember using when i went to leeds university i hated leeds university i went for four days okay i left and transferred to london that smell now triggers me because i know that my mum is triggered by a particular smell of a shampoo that she had to use when she had chemo smells trigger you it doesn't make you a toxic person it makes you fucking human and if you think it's such a problem that we find smells that disrupt our nervous system we're we're normal you're not so go and do the fucking work. Go back to episode one and listen to the podcast and it will help you. I agree.

I think it's... Sending love. It is normal. It is normal. And this is... How would you feel if you... Can you imagine if your kids are older and they come home and they bought their first aftershave

and that aftershave is the aftershave that your ex-husband used to wear? Wouldn't you be like, I hate it well you just yeah yeah I don't want to ever smell the aftershave of my ex-boyfriend because it reminds me of him I don't need reminding of something that didn't work even though I don't have bad feeling to him but you know what this just reminded me of is that so there were all these negative comments remember there were so many ones from women saying oh my god i thought it was crazy and i think that's what we want to normalize on this podcast is we talk about the shit that no one talks about because we think we're delulu or we think oh we can't

possibly say that we talk about it because it is fucking normal and that is one thing that i have noticed and i do find hard when my kids come back smelling of another woman smelling of my ex-husband boom get over it shut up your ass anyway back to him it's it's sweet to me right in 2020 I was in a very bad place mentally and have been for a considerable amount of time I was under extreme pressures at work which I did not deal with well and have recently lost a close friend as well as a number of other things over a number of years that I won't bore you with. What I should have done was get help then but I wasn't ready for that. Instead I looked for other reasons I was unhappy. I did reach out to my ex-wife and told her I was struggling and was essentially told we can't

afford for you to struggle, suck it up. This only solidified in my mind that she was the problem, which ultimately led to that moment in the shower. Oh, you really told her you didn't love her anymore. You stand in their nation. Yeah. Why are you in the shower? In late 2019, I was struggling in every way and felt that I was failing at every turn at work, as a father to my youngest and as a husband. Fair enough. Nice to hear you're taking accountability. and hurt the person I loved the most. Nothing I did was acceptable. Fair enough.

Nice to hear you're taking accountability. The ex from another country texted me at a point when I was still in the same headspace. I absolutely should not have responded to how I did, but the suggestion we were messaging for years is fundamentally untrue. I hadn't heard from her for years until she messaged me in 2020 and how I acted at that

point was again completely out of order. In regards to the girl from work my whole team were female and all of them called me all the time. I had a job where I was essentially on call 24 7 3 6 5 days a year and could never switch off hence the stress and how I managed it badly. You are absolutely right that I should not have liked those Instagram posts but it was nothing more than that. It was disrespectful though and I accept that and it shouldn't have happened. Okay well I can need accountability. That was up until 2020 and I was in a really bad place for six months when asked me for a divorce. I knew at that point I had to sort my head out and for the following period of time up until early 2023 I thought we

were happy. I was repeatedly told by my now ex-wife that things were better than ever and for a while they were. I had no idea she was spending any time sobbing and I wish I'd known so I could have done something about it. In February 2023 I was going on a night out with friends, and my ex-wife tried to have sex with me before I went out, after not coming near me for weeks. It felt very much that she didn't want to sleep with me, it was just a job, something she had to do, and was going to then just to make sure her territory is marked.

That is very cold to me. I like to feel wanted, as I expect most people do but I felt I was just trying to be kept happy and keep providing. That night I got far too drunk and messaged the ex from years ago. This was not discovered at the 40th birthday party. It was known about two months before. I was not still in touch with her. It was one message I can't even remember sending and has proven to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life. My ex-wife clearly saw it the next day, but she didn't speak to me about it, didn't mention it. When I saw I'd sent it, I felt sick and I knew I couldn't do anything like that again. At this point, it was already

way past when I should have made changes and this should have been the wake up call. And sadly, it wasn't. I hadn't hit rock bottom yet. After that, we had a weekend away for her birthday and seemed to have a great time. We were both saying how much we needed the time together and how we were looking forward to it. On my ex-wife's 40th birthday, I was an absolute idiot. I had been looking forward to the night so much and couldn't wait to see how happy she would be at a great night with family and friends. Unfortunately, I have a problem with alcohol and was a total dick. However, I did not call her another girl's name. As she said, I actually, in my embarrassing state, tried to make a really ill-advised joke. She often had banter like that,

which looking back was not healthy for either of us. The next morning I was woken up and told that I was a dickhead before the above was relayed to me. She told me she didn't want a divorce but I had to give her some space to think and that was rock bottom. I told her I needed to stop drinking and said I wouldn't do it again. I pulled out of a stag weekend I had already paid for there and then and have now been sober for 16 months. In the following days I felt so low and ashamed of my behavior not just then but everything I had done. I should have been fighting from that point but I didn't think I deserved anything that I had and based on everything I did I agree with your undoubtedly nodding heads that I didn't. I moved out three weeks later to give her some space and that unfortunately has been it. After my initial

shame I became angry and said horrible things that I wish I could take back but I can't and then I became suicidal and at that point knew I needed to do more. I was the problem. I began therapy which along with being sober has probably changed my life. I am pleased for my ex-wife that she is happy. She didn't deserve the hurt I have caused her. I have begged for another chance repeatedly, which is embarrassing, I totally agree. God, I said... Sorry. I have done so because I thought

what we had was too much to lose and I felt that I could make it right because I've started to address the actual problem in our marriage, me. I'm sure the aim of our podcast is to share the positives. What her email doesn't explain is the significant emotional damage this has done to our children, the deterioration in their behaviour and the fact we both now miss out on half their lives.

I understand that this is on me. My actions led us to this point and I can't take that back. I faced my shit and made the changes I needed to, just too late to save the thing I loved the most, my family. She has moved on and is happy, which she deserves, but unfortunately nobody else in this process, not including me obviously, it doesn't matter what I feel, has been left, nobody else has been left without scars. I'm not a bad person, I've spent the majority of my professional and personal life caring for other people people but I did do horrifically bad things that caused the breakup of my family untold hurt to my wife and likely long-term damage to my kids the 50% of the time I have with my boys I do everything to make sure they are happy and healthy my now 17 year old stepdaughter

remains as close to me as ever I don't expect this will be aired, and if it is, I'm sure I'll come across negatively, which is fair, but I thought I deserved a right to reply. Nobody should stay with someone who makes them unhappy, but people can change, and breaking up a family is a heavy price. It should not be done lightly. One further thing I forgot to mention, I was never ever jealous afforded the attention given to my children, as was implied. While she was pregnant, on both occasions we didn't have sex at all for the duration of the pregnancy which was because I was always too worried about the kids. They have always been my everything. The problem was me in other ways and I

looked for reasons to not accept that. Do you know what I think it's really really interesting to hear the other side because he is taking accountability i think i think it's taken a while for him to get there by the sounds yeah i think him you know making a few comments about timelines being wrong and he didn't do this it's kind of irrelevant like you know that you wrong. I think it just shows that in that moment, if you don't make the right choices and fix it while you can, it ends up being too late. And I do feel sorry for him because it sounds like he unfortunately realised it too late.

But do you know what's too late? And sometimes it takes for someone to lose someone for them to realise. And I think probably a lot of people can resonate that who perhaps have been in a situation where someone's done wrong, they've lost them, they've ended it and then they've come back begging. But the damage is done. And at the end of the day,

it is refreshing to hear someone taking accountability. And do you know what? I'd be surprised if a lot of men that do the dirty or do whatever feel the way that he does but they just don't bother saying it because they know that it's not going to get them anywhere i think what was apparent for me was like the timeline of this was we went back as early as 2019 to 2023 that's four years and i think like it's not me judging or anything and i do think look it's not even just men it's women as well sometimes we see things and we recognize things in ourselves or sometimes we can't even

see it happening but if we're not taking accountability and trying to change them you know through things like therapy on our own or through if you've got an alcohol problem addressing those other things happen other things consequently happen as a result of those things not being in control or in a good place and people get hurt people get hurt and yes when things like this happen kids do get affected and that is the heartbreaking thing and we can only do what we can following it to make sure you know it's I think I'm very aware of not wanting my kids to have any childhood trauma that they take into their adult life and I think the way you conduct yourself now and show them respect and you know maybe you might not be with each other but you still both have the

opportunity to show your children what like a healthy loving relationship is at some point. I think also that that I feel like once I realized that my marriage was over and I was gonna you know divorce and have that two household whatever I then had that goal of what I wanted my co-parenting relationship to be like and I think one thing that you can take away from this is you're genuinely doing the work now taking accountability taking responsibility not you won't repeat history if you're aware of this so you know your ex-wife has found someone and you've got the opportunity to eventually find someone and and undo your wrongdoing yes it obviously would be nice by the sounds of it you'd like to do that with the person that you hurt but she's happy now so you hopefully get to do that with

your next person so i really appreciate you email me that i i feel i feel sad because it sounds like you still love her and you'd still like to make that work or too late but you have to i think you have to recognize it's you know it's not just a one-time mistake it's things that have been repeatedly have happened you know there has been disrespect towards your wife which I know you you're taking accountability for and I'm sure you can understand why she wouldn't and I understand you're doing the work now and you feel like you could be all those things but these things do have long-term effects on people I know if I was in the same position, you know, where my ex-husband wanted to come back, it would be absolutely...

That which is already gone. But like I said, do the work and make it right with the next person. Sorry for calling you a loser. Okay. This is called Hookers While Carrying His Babe, and this is me and my daughter 18 months on. I think she's emailed him before. She said, hey i have an update get married was she i'm sure she was going to get married she had to make the decision like it was a few days before okay well

let me read this hold on so remember me hookers when i was pregnant well as predicted he struck again i think the last sentence to the email I sent was the fact that his new girlfriend possibly didn't know half of what he had done to me. And with her, he always made out like now he was living his best life until three weeks ago. Fill me in. I woke up to a long message from an unknown number a few weeks back and soon realized it was my ex-husband's new girlfriend. Oh. Oh. I've heard the plot. plat. She then went on to explaining that she went on a trip to Spain with her girl pals and when she landed she didn't hear from him. Thinking it was weird she confronted him and asked if he was

cheating on her. He swiftly disagreed and told her to apologise for making such canid accusations. When she came back from Spain her gut could just not to let it go. So she went on his work phone and there it was. The hotel confirmation and messages of a night spent with a hooker. He's addicted. She woke him up and confronted him. He said a member of staff, male, had made the booking because he was also in a relationship and couldn't book it himself. Another massive massive lie he even got his member of staff bear in mind he manages an estate agent and in charge of these people to call her and say it was him she still didn't believe it so he eventually came clean it's the extent that these men go to to cover up their bullshit lies. I think that is one of the things.

When someone gets caught and you've got some kind of evidence and then it's like you just want to show it and be like, just admit it. But then you can see the lies and you're like, they're getting more ridiculous. They're literally getting more ridiculous. This raccoon came through the window and pushed my face

onto her vagina and I didn't know what else to do so I sucked my tongue out and helped. So that might be dehydrated and I was going to die

so I needed to consume her juices from her vagina otherwise I'd be dead if someone was holding a gun against my head like literally guys yeah can i just say i had some evidence of quite a lot of things and the bullshit that i got fed i didn't i'm gonna write a book i mean i already am but i actually think i'm gonna change it like It was wild how their mind just...

I think they end up believing it. Yeah. Literally, they're like, this is what happened. Mm. She's still... Okay, not only this, but she lent him £8,000 to clear some car finances. Wait, she's only been going out with him a few months stupid poor girl the sad thing about this story is that even after i told her

everything the lies cheating with staff members hookers debt she stayed with him however i don't blame her i stayed for eight years he would cheat again and will never learn. Wasn't losing everything once enough for him. No. And do you know what? That's why I feel like the guy whose email that we just read, if you do happen to listen to this email, be proud that you are actually taking accountability. Yeah, you fucked up, but you can make things better moving forward with someone else and just not it's not the same thing different person i think a lot of people do that 100 the lies that this guy tells blows my mind and the total relief that i'm not with him is so satisfying like i really really relate like it there's no better feeling than realizing it's no longer your shit and no longer your problem.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I can relate to this. I think when you find out stuff that's happened, like maybe in new relationships, and I think sometimes you're like, Thank God. Is it, do I, should I say something?

And then you think, Not my problem. Not my problem. Yeah. I did feel sad for her because she actually came across extremely lovely i'm still smug with my beautiful new man and we're just about to move in together having zero anxiety or stress that he would never ever do that to me good luck love you were going to need it amen i like. I like that too.

Thanks for sending that in. Shall we end with a little confession of the week? Confession. I've missed this, guys. Right, guys, we've got a confession. Confession. Hey, girlies. Hey. Thought you were the right people to message this to as i know what i'm doing is wrong

we're gone hoping i'm killing it i've been seeing someone for a month and i know he has a big red flag and i know this won't go anywhere but i just can't stop myself from seeing him. The sex is amazing. I know he's not my person, but I just can't seem to let go. There, I said it. What would you say to that? It's hard, you know. I think time is precious. it depends what your priorities are if you want to find your person and you want to i don't know move forward in that aspect then sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind yeah i just look i think that if you're aware that there are red flags i think the

risk that you're taking is him Him falling in love with you. Well, you falling in love with him, like... I know what you mean. You continuing it... I don't know why I'm laughing, sorry. It's not funny. It's not funny. It's fucking awful. You've got that risk of the longer that you stay,

maybe the more likely you'll start ignoring the red flags while you're aware getting those rose tinted gloves yeah and like dangerous territory perhaps treading on dangerous grounds here honey maybe maybe we should do a risk assessment and see if it's worth it yeah would you like maybe send in the red flag is it red is it burgundy is it baby pink no in in all seriousness i think you're sending that as a confession because you obviously know that it's not right i would i would just say be mindful and careful because i think that as women end up getting hurt but as as women how long can you continue something like that without catching feelings and what if you you end up loving someone who's got these red flags?

You're just asking. And then is it going to be like two years down the line when you're like, so I ended up falling in love with someone. I didn't see the red flags. And it's like, no, you actually did. Yeah. True. Yeah.

Should we do an affirmation? We have done affirmation ages. I'm feeling very empowered. Feeling very empowered. I feel like we need to give an affirmation to these triggered men on our posts. And I would like to say to you guys, I am the problem.

Repeat after me. I need to sort out any of my triggers and traumas rather than projecting them on other people because that ain't going to get me anywhere, hun. Hell yeah. Yeah. Thank you, guys, as always. We hope that you love our new look, our new vibe.

We are still making some changes. I've noticed they're having, like, we're getting new Maya. Might get some new cushions. Yeah. Oh, yes. but watch this space we're so happy to be back we hope that you enjoyed the episode

I just want to say to you guys there's like what 13 episodes maybe now 40 yeah so go over there

if you want to binge out they're much less filtered and we also do a live zoom with everyone that wants to join in and that's always like a really nice evening. It's like an early evening, isn't it?

Yeah. And yeah, there's a lot of exciting things to come. And we can't wait to take you on the journey with us. Bye.