Not As We Planned - 55. He Had a Porn Addiction

Episode Date: September 12, 2024

Married to a porn addict with an ending we were not expecting, when he pretends his mental health is the reason for his shady behaviour, and a man’s story when his wife finds another one. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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keep your receipts. Other conditions apply. See Pennzoil.ca slash warranty for full details. Hey guys, hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan, so get ready for Honest Raw Unfiltered Unhinged Story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel that I am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode. I just wanted to say, I don't know, I was in the car on the way here, just to thank you for being here and like listen to us.

And getting us this far, I was just thinking, I don't know like how many people we reach and it just felt like, I was like, we've done pretty well, but that's always your help. Like you guys spreading the word, you telling your friends, you sharing, like everything helps us so, so much. I really, really appreciate it. Thank you. He doesn't go unnoticed.

And of course, as always, if you're not yet on Patreon, please make sure you go and subscribe. No, this is coming out too late. I was gonna say, basically we do a live Zoom, like Q and A once a month. It's really, really nice. It's just like an evening, like chatting with your friends. So yeah, you don't just get an extra episode a week. There's way more. And we are hoping to potentially have an event coming up in the pipeline and you get priority tickets and a discount on

the price. So yeah, something to look into just £4 a month. I think it kind of was there. That's a glass of coffee a month and you're in. Yeah, it's so true. A no brainer. Anyway, catchy cat. Chacha. Would you like my Swifty t-shirt? Thought I'd wear a bit of a merchandise today. Yeah. Don't you?

She's literally looking at me like, what the fuck are you wearing? I am. Well, I guess I know that this is obviously going to be coming out in September But it's the last week of the summer holidays that we've nearly survived. No, I'm really sad I've really enjoyed I'm not ready for them to go back and I think that's because there's been My kids are away at the moment. Yeah, and I actually could do another two weeks. No, honestly, I actually understand. I think that Ivan loved it, but I reckon by next week I might be starting to be like, sort of ready. Not so much for Rome. Rome is starting full-time nursery and

I'm so used to having him around. That's going to be really, really weird for me. I'm so used to having him around. That's gonna be really, really weird for me. I'm trying to think of a catch-up. I was back on a day, I spent the day in Brighton. It was so, I don't think I've ever been. Who'd you go with? A friend. A friend. A really tall friend.

It was really, really nice. And Janelle, it was so annoying. By the way, can you see my nose is burnt? Yeah, it is. It isn't even that hot yet. Oh my God, I think because it was windy and it was actually sunny, I don't have fake tan on and knowing me, can you see a bit? Yeah, sort of.

If you close your eyes and pretend. It was really, really nice. I actually really recommend it for going with kids or not kids. Or on a date. Yeah, it was really nice. But what was so annoying is it was clear skies all day, beautiful, and we literally sat on the pier wanting to watch the sunset. And I'd say about 20 minutes before the sun of that clouds appeared.

And it was so it was still beautiful. Really, really nice. But yeah, I really recommend it. We ended up jumping on the train. It was like an hour and a half to get there. It was actually, yeah, it's easy. So, yeah, it was nice. And just sort of getting on with this week until they had that.

So I still need to get like bits like the stationery and school shoes. I don't know why I leave it. I didn't last a minute. Yeah. What about you? Well my kids have been away with their dad and his girlfriend and I won't lie like it's hard. And it was fine at the weekend because I was really busy so Friday night turned up at my boyfriend's house and then he said he had a surprise for me and I thought it was just like go and watch the stars or something because that's like one of the things we like to do. And I get there and then he's like, no, we're going straight in the car.

And I was like, what? And I was like, do I need a handbag? And he's like, what do I need? He's like, you need your suitcase. And I was like, what? And yeah, he? And he's like, you need your suitcase. And I was like, what? And yeah, he drove me to a hotel that he took me to nearly a year ago.

And it was just like a really cute, thoughtful thing. We had like a really nice meal and it was just really, really good. I felt like that. Yeah, it's very romantic. And then I had one of my best friend's weddings on Saturday up north and he met all my uni friends and he just fitted in.

They have all messaged me since, like, my god, he's so lovely. And it's just nice, I think, as well, like that. My friends obviously see what I post on social media and I think a lot of people could think, of course, some things look more romanticised on social media and you post the good bits and the amount of messages I got from other people at the wedding like, Carly, like, the connection you two have is like magic. Like, I've never seen two more people like more and it was just really nice that other people kind of got to see what we're like because I don't know, the more those on the more I do think what we have is actually really special. I'm just feeling

very loved up and very content. Yeah, sorry. I used to be the person but you know what, I don't. I don't. I'm in a really good place. And then yesterday was bank holiday, I'm not gonna lie, I struggled on social media seeing lots of family days out. So I didn't look on it and I decided to paint Theo's bed. I was like, it looks great, yeah. I need to get his wallpaper stripped. Yeah, I get these ideas in my head and I just go with it. I don't know what my idea was. He's tidying my house. Yeah, he's done a really good job.

Yeah, it's really good, isn't it? Yeah. Fantastic. Literally, the state of my house right now just is the definition of summer holidays. Summer holidays. See, mine's actually immaculate, but that's because I haven't had my kids since Friday.

Mine wasn't immaculate even when they were away. I can't lie. I just, I haven't had my kids since Friday. Mine wasn't immaculate even when they were away. I can't lie. Like, I just, I need to sort my life out. But anyway, should we delve into some emails? As always, thank you guys for sending things in. Keep sending them in, like we can never have too many emails. Okay.

What was that? Our story. Okay. It's new, it was from yesterday. So we're gonna do it. Hi ladies, as many others start, I have just found your podcast and I've loved listening to it so far and wanted to share my story with you. I met my husband in 2012 when I was 18.

We eventually got together when I was 22 and married when I was 26 during lockdown in 2020. We had 15 people at our wedding. It was honestly a magical day where we were able to be together the whole time. We started trying for a baby six months before the wedding and we fell pregnant in January 2022 and our beautiful son was born on the 1st of October. I was induced because he was small at 39 plus one and midwives didn't believe I was in labour. Long story short I nearly delivered on a toilet and was quickly rushed to the labour suite. They didn't have time to give me gas in there and he arrived at a minute for a full term baby, 5 pounds

6 ounces. My husband struggled to adjust but I never had any reason to believe that anything was wrong. I did all the night feeds, I was bottle feeding because he wouldn't take my breast and if I'm honest with myself, it was a real struggle. He had undiagnosed Tunti and cow's milk protein allergy. The agreement was that my husband got up at 6, 6.30 and did the first morning feed before work. The sex life had never been amazing. He had a porn addiction and I felt so low that six weeks postpartum, I went back to

swimming world feeling too fat for him. Can I say something? I'm intrigued by like porn in regards to like... How much is an addiction? Yeah, well no, like her saying like he has a porn addiction. What are your opinions on porn? Because I would never be naive to think that like, men don't probably, men probably watch porn when they have a wank. I'm sure women do too. But at what point do you think it's too much

when you're in a marriage or a relationship where you live together and you could in theory just have sex with your partner? Like, do you think that it's okay to do both? Cause I actually know some men that wank every day even in a relationship is that I think that might be a normal- Actually it's meant to be better. The more a man ejaculates, they're meant to produce more testosterone, it's meant to keep them younger and fitter. I was listening to a podcast

on this the other day. Really? I don't have anything- Would you take offense? I think it depends. I think when a porn addiction becomes, is taking over the relationship and is replacing real intimate time with the other person, that's when it becomes a problem. I think- But it doesn't affect how often. I think different people have different sex

drives. I don't know, if I was living with someone and they went upstairs and got themselves a porn, I would 100% be offended. I'd be like, well, I can do that. And I personally think, in my opinion, I might be wrong, this is how I would feel. I would feel like I wasn't enough. But also, I do think that most men actually enjoy like real like sexual interaction rather than just watching something. I think a lot of men do know that a lot of porn is fake and over dramatised and it's all not real. I don't know, I guess it depends on the kind of man. I've never delved into a man's brain, but I'd feel like

most men would feel like the real thing's better than watching someone screaming or whatever it is you're into. Might be different kinks, who knows. But for me, if it started replacing interactions and say I noticed like my sex life diminishing, that would be a problem. What about you? Definitely if it's a instead of like- Do it together. Hell no. Watch it together, I know. I'd see it okay as, I think once you're living together,

I feel like men sometimes like to have a rant before they go to sleep, it like makes them sleep. It does make them sleep, does it? But I would, so, would you know? I would rather have sex. Yeah, I would rather just have sex, but I can then appreciate sometimes like,, would you know, I would rather have sex. Yeah, I would rather just have sex. But I can then appreciate sometimes like, I don't know, he's getting up for work, you're getting ready

to do the school run, he's like, oh my God, I've woken up really horny. I'd be like going back to the shower, we'll have sex later tonight. You know what I mean? Like, I'd want it to be like an open thing rather than like a hidden thing. Like I'm gonna go and watch some pool.

I don't know what I find hard to even think about things like this because I think my marriage that probably was the case. So when our son was four months I went to Slimming World and 15 minutes later I received calls and texts saying that my husband had dropped our son and he needed to go to hospital. I drove home, a one minute drive and our son was screaming, ashen in colour and propped up on the sofa. I assumed he had concussion because of course no baby ends up seriously ill falling off a sofa. I drove to hospital, paramedic strike, he took him into A&E and when I parked I went and asked to hold our son. He shook in my arms and they confirmed he was having seizures. They couldn't

stop them with Kepa and had to put him on a ventilator and transfer him to Addenbrook's hospital as their brain specialist. Our son had a brain bleed at the front and back of his brain and bleeding behind his eyes. My husband was arrested the next day and long story short five days later, oh, this is making me feel ill, the police find me to confirm that I was to have no contact with my husband and that he had shook our son.

Oh, it's actually me. Oh my God, I wasn't expecting that. I thought, oh, I've got goosebumps. I can feel my goosebumps like piercing through my leg. Oh, it's gone. What can someone do? Oh my God. Fast forward to now, my husband is allowed supervised visits and is released under investigation. I do believe he'll be charged soon.

I am stuck in our house as we are in negative equity. I work full time and I can't afford the childcare mortgage on my own. Should he go to prison. Oh Jesus Christ. I'm really struggling to sleep alone. I get a maximum of 20 minutes deep sleep per night and I'm really struggling to lose weight. I'm five foot seven and 12 stone six and it's not shifting. I'm struggling with self-image and I want to have a happy ever after. But how can I find someone when I'm not happy alone or in a settled situation? How do I get over all of this and move on? Our son's future isn't certain right now, he seems completely normal. He's nearly two

and honestly he's the only reason I get up every day. I know everyone says that but honestly I think if he would have died I wouldn't be here. I've been told that he could need educational help in the future and maybe a child at the front of the class. I try to be positive but I'm so angry that this happened to my perfect boy. I've attached a picture for you both but any advice you can- oh look how gorgeous he is. He's so cute. Trying to live my life at 30. That is just horrendous. I think my first suggestion would absolutely be to seek some therapy. I think something like this is so traumatic, it's not something that you should ever be dealing with on your own.

Also in regards to that, I know you said like money's like a stress at the moment. I'm pretty sure that you can have access via GP's to free counselling. There are certain boroughs and counties that offer free counselling. They have like hubs. So if that's like why I reckon they definitely would definitely speak. Yeah, definitely go to your GP. You'd be able to get the therapy under NHS for sure. My advice would obviously be, you know, you're saying that you're not in a good place, you don't get enough sleep and you're feeling like you don't feel comfortable in the way that you look. I know that it comes hand in hand with like, if you don't feel that you look good, you're

not going to feel good. But the most important thing at the moment is trying to be in a good place mentally. It's really difficult because it comes hand in hand. You don't want to put too much pressure on yourself to be like, right, not only am I trying to be okay on my own, but I also need to diet and I need to go to the gym and I'm a single mom and my husband might go to prison. I think you've got to try and set yourself some realistic goals.

I think the first thing is just to kind of like get in a better place mentally and find things that you enjoy on your own. Like whether that's like starting to read books or maybe start journaling or, you know, listening to more podcasts. Because I think she said she's only just found us. Like I'm hoping like that helps. You know, speaking to friends, like getting them to come over, like take help where you can with childcare. Your situation is not a normal one and my heart genuinely like hurts for you, like what you've had to go through. But all I can say is, you know, by the looks of

it, them saying that your son might have a bit of like learning difficulties and might need some extra help at school. Amazing. Amazing if that's all that is needed because he, you know, you there to support. Exactly. You're here. Love from his mummy. Beautiful. Looks like such a lovely boy. He's got you. Like you've got each other. And yeah, he's got you, like you've got each other and yeah, he's given you reason to get up in the morning. So I think you need to process, like I think yours is obviously a really extreme situation but to process that someone you once loved can do that to your most cherished person in your life, I can't imagine like the trauma and how you start processing that. I think it's one thing like trying to process someone being unfaithful or you know dealing with an

addiction or whatever it is but yeah I think definitely seeks some help because I think also like I don't know whether to say this I don't want to put the idea in her head if she's not but I feel like the way she explained that she went to Siver's world while it happened, is she carrying some sort of guilt? And I don't know if you are or not, but... It would have happened. Exactly, I think it's like with anything,

when someone holds some sort of responsibility or guilt for the actions of someone else, you've got to realize that nothing that you did or didn't do would have changed that because if it didn't happen there, it would have just happened at another point. And don't ever hold any guilt or blame. And if you are, I think that's really normal,

but that's something that you need to let go of. And that's why I think that you need that sort of counseling. It's gonna be major PTSD and a lot of trauma within that situation that you need that sort of like counselling, like it's going to be like major PTSD and a lot of trauma within that situation that you had. I'm very excited. Like absolutely. I think you also need to just feel it all as well.

But I think that's the starting point is really getting that help for your mental health and maybe the other things will eventually fall in line. Okay. What does possible sound like for your business? It's having the spend to power your scale with no preset spending limit. Redefine possible with Business Platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and conditions apply.

Visit mx.ca slash business platinum. This one is called What the Fuck? Hippera. Hi ladies, a situation for your help and advice. Here goes nothing. My partner and I were having issues after I'd recently fallen pregnant, planned with our third child. I'd asked him to leave the house. I own the house, thankfully. When Prish came to Shub, I said I didn't want him to go. Let's work on the relationship. We've

been together for four years, got two kids and run on the way. He wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. Didn't want to go to couples counselling, to work on our issues, I was actively looking at new places to live. We've been very up and down throughout our entire relationship but never anything this final where he was going and refusing to talk to me. I didn't understand what was going on. I suggested rather than leave, he go away for a few days to clear his head and decide what he actually wanted to do. He went away without telling me where he was going. I mean that in itself. Just red, black. Yeah. I couldn't find his passport so decided he had gone abroad which I thought was odd as I thought he would just go

to Wales or something for a few days to get outside, clear his head, not swung off to a four-star hotel to an all-inclusive in Spain for a week as I later found out. With who? Hmm. Anyway, the first night of his holiday, I just had a feeling, so I did some digging and lo and behold, he hadn't gone away on his own. Obviously. He had gone away with another woman.

I felt physically sick. How could he do this to me and our family? I'll not go into any details of her, but Tramp comes to mind. I'd asked him two weeks prior to this when he was saying he was going to leave to work on his mental health, be a better dad, and in time see where we were. Bear in mind, I'm three months pregnant at this point.

If there was anyone else involved and he swore blind, there wasn't. Can I just say men do swear blind. Men don't. I swear on my life, I swear on the kids life, I swear on this, I swear on that. It means nothing. I reckon they've got their fingers crossed that they're saying it, they'll feel less guilty than it. They lie until they're blue in the face. I think in their head, they're literally like, she can't ever know if I don't admit it. So I'm literally gonna lie the whole time. I'm never changing my mind on this side.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. 100%. I've committed, I mean. Yeah. Shame you couldn't commit to it. He would be better on his own as he needed to work on himself.

He wasn't leaving to pursue a relationship with anyone else and it could be the start of us fixing things between us. Gaslighting. I feel so betrayed, hurt, embarrassed. How could he do this to me? Yes, we had our issues, but he has just destroyed our family and all trust I ever had in him.

It's the lies. Why tell me this was going to fix our relationship so we can move forward? And in the background, he's clearly speaking and doing God knows what with another woman. I found out so much more than he will ever tell me by doing a bit of detective work, and it made me feel physically sick.

Can I just say, why are women so good at finding shit out? Why did I not find anything out? Have you actually got a vagina? I'm, I actually, I was a fantastic detective. I think I'm a good detective. I think unfortunately I was dealing with someone that's clearly like a fucking secret agent. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the difference. I feel like a combination. I think you were dealing with someone that was thick as shit. And me and my family, my family, my sisters are like, I feel like a combination. I think you did with someone that was thick as shit. Me and my family, my sisters are like next level. You know my sister, I find houses. One of my sisters used to be a paparazzi and she could literally find my son and live from

like a brick on the house. So when I came to her information, she's like, kind of live with me. Next thing I know, ping, ping, ping, lies, lies, lies, this, this, this, evidence. Boom. Shout out Jay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. The dates he's been going to see her when he told me he was working on the weekend, avoiding me and the kids to go and spend time with her. The whole thing makes me feel disgusted. On one occasion, I had to pay for a babysitter so I could go on a friend's hendu while he told me he was working but he went to see her instead hiring a luxury car for the weekend. Now he's back off his holiday, has found out I've changed

the lot, good for you babe, and had all his belongings moved into a storage unit. I love that. He's decided to say sorry and he wants to talk about how we're going to co-parent the kids. He's asked if we can be civil and friendly so they don't sense anything's wrong between us. The kids are two and a half and one. I haven't seen him yet and I've said I do not want to see him for the foreseeable future. The thought of him at the minute repulses me. I feel physically sick. He has left me, pregnant, unable to move on for a long time and I'll have three kids under three when the new baby arrives. I know I can do this on my own but my god it's going to be rough.

He's ruined our family however his justification was nobody was meant to know. I've heard this quite a few times. Shame his phone history was linked to his PC hey. Why are they so sick? I've heard this quite a few times. Shame his phone history was linked to his PC, hey? See, why are they so thick? Why wasn't mine thick? I feel like he needs to maybe open up a school to teach men how to... Why would we want that?

We don't, I don't know why, just sit there, hope you're not listening. Currently I do not know how this would even work as a co-parenting situation. Any advice at all that you could offer would be amazing. As I said, I currently want absolutely nothing to do with him, but I know our children need to see their dad. Can I just say something? At the end of the day, what you've just gone through is terrible. It's traumatic. It's raw. How you're feeling right now about thinking about a co-parenting relationship is so normal.

I had people, I actually had it on my Q&A that I did the other day on Instagram saying like, what is your advice for a good healthy co-parenting relationship? Mine has taken time. I didn't chuck him out and then be like, hey babe, do you want to come in for a coffee? Like you need to give yourself time to do the work, to heal, to let go of the resentment if you feel like you can. It takes time. It's not even that though. It does also come down to who you're co-parenting with. Absolutely. But what I mean about the only thing that you can do is you do the work, heal yourself, let go of the anger, resentment, whatever you need to do, see a therapist,

do all the things that we can. Yeah, and focus on that's what I've had to do, see a therapist, do you know all the things that we can. Yeah and focus on that's what I've had to. Yeah and again it obviously depends on who the other person is. If he is saying you know he wants to be amicable, he wants to do it good for the kids, hopefully that is still a thing. But for now I think you don't need to think about the co-parenting relationship, You just need to think about you and the kids. And just, we've said it before, like, you can't control the other person. You can't expect someone to adhere to things the way you would, to deal with things the way you would. Again, it's like managing expectations, placing boundaries in place.

You know, I think for me, relatively early on, actually we didn't do it as early on as we probably should have, but setting some kind of routine so you know when he's going to have the kids to try and make that amount of contact you have about when you're having them, less is to get a certain day, he's picking them up from here at this time, bringing them back here at this time. But to minimize that contact, because when you hate someone that much, you don't even wanna have to message to be like, when are you getting, like-

But don't be that person that stops your kids being able to see their dad. 100%, because your kid, that will come back on you when your kids are older as well. I agree. And as much as you hate him, like they are still your kid's dad, and you don't want your kids to grow up

thinking oh my god my dad's this awful person. You do, despite everything, want them to think they've got the best dad in the world and despite you maybe not agreeing with that, yeah, it doesn't matter. Guys, we got an email from a man. From a man. From a man. What's that from? I don't know. I think it's from Harry Emfield. I don't know. Hi guys, I have no idea what's going on with the font size. It's really big and then it goes small. As I said in my message, what you're doing is great and so refreshing. I've been down the rabbit holes of Reddit, watched all the male-focused content but that tends to be about being strong. You guys have a great balance and a very British way of talking about this. Very British, right? Is he not English? It's sad, the shittest, but I can't think of many things where a bit of irony, sarcasm

and humour doesn't help. Is he slightly lesbian? I don't know. Tori there. Yeah. My own story. I loved her from pretty much day one, 22 years ago, and for the longest time we loved each other unconditionally. Our kids had blissful lives. We were a team who faced life together until we weren't. We were happy until we weren't. We both worked

full time and I was the primary carer because of greater flexibility in my job and she came home every night to a happy home, husband and kids. I had eight weeks of gaslighting, the classic, she loved me but wasn't in love with me. She had me believing it was hormonal, midlife crisis, mental health breakdown etc. because that's what she told me. So I did the dance, supporting her whilst I know now she had started an affair at work. Another one. And the breakdown was guilt. During that time she pulled away. I'm really interested to hear this from a man.

Signed. Thank you for writing in. During that time she pulled away and shut down emotionally and I lived on adrenaline and hope. Eight weeks in it made less and less sense and felt less and less like a loss of feelings, which can fluctuate in most marriages anyway, they just hadn't in ours before. I said, just fucking tell me what's going on. So she did. She was in love with this guy at work. He felt the same, left his 20-year marriage and his daughter. I knew him, she was friends with his wife, my kids had met him. Just a complete body blow. Two days later, they're in a hotel. Two weeks later, they've got a flat. And now six weeks later, she comes

home 50% of the time to see the children, very much in body rather than mind. I still live here, but make myself scarce when she has the boys for the sake of saving them confusion and for my sake. I feel haunted still every time I see her. She inhabits the same space, looks the same, sounds the same, but she's not the same person. This is really beautifully written as well, I know. Unrecognisable to anyone who knew her well or loved her. She cut off anybody who dared question her undeniable connection to her new boyfriend, and they made themselves an island without a single person to hold a mirror to her, and

they only let in people who would swallow the bullshit. They were helpless victims of feelings that only they can understand. So here's my love in her phone now. This kind of thing would have made her teeth itch for the last twenty years. He seems very clingy and quite pathetic. Again, that would have made her shit itch. Things I resolved to do from day one, conduct myself with quiet dignity, give her nothing about me, ask her nothing about her, never do or never say anything to harm the children's impression of her or their relationship with her. They absolutely idolized her and she was the absolute best mom. Mom, I think she might be American.

We across the pond, are we hitting across the pond? If he's putting mom. Mom, I think she might be American. Mm, wait, we across the pond? Are we hitting across the pond? If he's putting mom. Yeah. And he's made to think that. British. I love that. Work on and plan mine and the boy's future for the three of us. Not as some ploy to show her what she's missing tactic, but because that's what's best for us. I've had mixed successes so far. In terms of the kids, I've done nothing to damage their relationship or view of their mum. I've actually protected them from her lies. She's in a

hotel with him, but telling the kids she's home alone. That's fine. They're old enough and smart enough to see things for themselves, but her upon her helps nobody. She's a really nice human, isn't she? I haven't raised my voice and I haven't called her any names. Me and the boys are closer than ever. It is a cliche, but you can pack 100% of the memories into 50% of the time. I really like that. I really like that. I need to hear that today. Where I fucked up. I've hoped upon hope that she would change her mind. I've taken every breadcrumb like a bloody hoover. She tells me I smell

nice, look good, got a tan, have lost weight, says, well, you don't want me anyway, as a question and I spend hours ruminating. Is she having regrets? Will she change her mind? But what I do know is that what I miss and what I want is never coming back and my future isn't with her. She lives with somebody else for Christ's sake and has betrayed me in a way I would never have bet my life she was capable of doing. What I've learned. You won't motivational quote your way out of this. There is a whole industry built around reconciliation, a fair dog, limerence, types of emotional attachment,

etc. And they all seem aired at exploiting the vulnerability of the betrayed spouse who is desperately looking for a crutch and to make sense of why the person they trusted most hurt them in the worst way. My wife or husband cheated makes sense though, they have an avoidant attachment personality. No, you didn't mean enough to them at that point in time for them to do it. That's the reality and that's the hardest thing to stomach. I actually really agree with this. I don't think it comes down to personality trait.

It is that lack of respect. I completely agree with this. Ultimately, time will help you heal. If you tie your happiness to somebody else, you'll never be truly in control of it. People say shit that does your head in, but they mean well and they love you. You'll be happier, the kids will be happier, they won't, etc. are all the things. I know I would have said to somebody else, but it feels different when you're in it. Then there is the anger towards her. It can even make you feel protective

of her in a perverse way. And the big one, people telling you you'd never take her back because you know that they would never understand that on that day, at least you would. Probably for stupid reasons, or for the kids, or simply because you miss your family, your life, your wife, because you're lonely all the time. You miss connection and long for companionship because you shared everything now, do everything alone and she is the missing piece. But she isn't. out, do everything alone and she is the missing piece. But she isn't. The old her was. This current her, well, she has the capacity to destroy you and has shown she will apply that ruthlessly. You can't separate the new her and the old her. They're the same person and rationalising thoughts of reconciliation on the basis that the old her may come back and

the new her will disappear again is a lie you're telling yourself that just feeds hope. Why is he like poetic? But he's so, so right. Yeah. And I think that's what so many of us do. We romanticise it and we think, but I know what they were like. Like they can be that again, but they've shown you a different version. And we hold onto that. Guilt her. Yeah, I know you are. That's why I'm saying it to you. And it is the hope that kills you. It is okay and completely natural to hope, but it leaves you clinging onto pain as a bridge to what you've lost. And that's what we mourn and long for, the life that we had, but that's gone and they killed it. If they loved you, they would never have treated you in this way. Never die on the cross for somebody who would have you

die in a ditch. Sorry for the essay, as you can probably tell, I'm still in the thick of this and bounce between hope and optimism for the future. Hope that she'll come back, despair that she won't, anger that I never want to see her again and wouldn't take her back anyway, and just disbelief. What I do know and the one motivational quote that has resonated with me is that every little bit of pain and hurt does make you stronger. Finally, my resolution to myself, I will trust again. I'll open my heart and risk being hurt again because to live a life unable to trust would be to live the rest of my life just searching for what I had whilst never being able to find it.

Deep. I have a love life. I read, yeah, I actually think like, he summarized so much of what we try and articulate probably in a much messier way. Yeah, maybe you should become a co-host. I think it's also really nice to hear that from a man. And I just think he summarized those feelings and you can tell the way he's written, like, he is still in the early days where you are still clutching some kind of hope that they recognize what they've done was a mistake. I think that's a really big thing I felt was like, when's he going to realize that what he's done is a mistake? And I think it's true to say, like,

sometimes the damage is done and you can't change who that person's become. And the thing he said at the end about like all the pain does make you stronger. And I just really want to emphasize that like the amount of strength I feel at the moment is actually quite powerful. And I feel like all the pain I've gone through and still go through to a degree with different things that are happening in my life I don't necessarily share about, it does make you a stronger, more resilient person and I feel like it's, I hate to say character building, but I feel- It does, it shapes you into the person that you are.

And I feel like, but that's actually making me into a better mother and actually I really hope my kids like when they're older and they have the capacity to look up to me and be like wow my mum was strong, she did all of this whilst feeling like this. And I just want to say to the man who's writing it, and I obviously won't say your name, but like you were doing amazing, it sounds like you're a very switched on, in touch with your emotions kind of man. I think the fact you're able to be that reflective on things is incredible. Someone will find someone who matches your emotional capacity, who has that mutual respect. Give me his number.

Are you in the UK? I mean, I think I'm fucking thinking it. So, is it? Cause, who knows? Oh, stop it! Redline. No, on a serious note, I think that, you know, the way you wrote that was beautiful. And it, you know, I think it also gives people hope that like, there are good men out there. Look at the way he... It's nice to hear, but it's not nice to hear. I think a lot of our stories come from a man being unfaithful. I think we do need to open our eyes and realise it isn't just men in relationships who are unfaithful. There are women and wives and mothers who cheat on their

partners, who are liars, who hurt men. And I think that's a really important message that, you know, and I hope maybe hearing that, and if we do have male listeners, which I know we do, I'd love them to come forward and share those stories. Because we would like to give like a wider spread of stories. I mean, I don't think it's ever gonna be equal, but like more, you know, we wanna hear that other side as well. And yeah, thank you for sending that in.

It shows that you are doing the work and that's what we always say. And do you know what it is holding on to that- Sounds like that amazing dad as well. Yeah, that hope that you hold onto that like they're gonna come back or- Change. You know, romanticize that. Oh, maybe like in five years time we'll bump into each other

and everything will look bleh. But yeah anyway thank you so much we do a confession of the weight. Why is it? It's a really short one but it's fantastic. Confession of the weight, you ready? Yeah. I put bogies in his coffee machine so when milk comes out he's drinking my snot. That is so gross. That's disgusting but I love it. Yeah, absolutely. Good for you.

I hope he enjoys his coffee. Affirmation of the week. When things seem really, really bad, try your best just to see just one thing that can come out of it that you could turn into a positive. Yeah. Because eventually you will look back and see why that needed to happen and it will get you to where you're meant to be.

A hundred percent. You get to the point where you look back, I think we've said it before, and we're like, oh, that's why that happened. It's okay. Thank you so much, guys. We hope you enjoyed. Love you.

Bye.