Not As We Planned - 9. Manifesting a positive mindset
Episode Date: August 31, 2023We share in more detail our healing processes through journaling, manifesting and vision boards. The perfect way to make change and you can start now. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghost...rifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Hey. Hi. It's Tash and Carly. And you're listening to Motherhood Not As We Planned.
So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine,
and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing.
Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Motherhood Not As We Planned.
So today we wanted to talk about something a bit different, kind of going a bit more, I feel like, spiritual? Would you call it that?
Yeah.
So we've had a lot of people kind of ask us about maybe going into a bit more detail about how we healed and how we got to where we are now.
Still healing.
Yeah.
detail about how we healed and how we got to where we are now and I know you're healing yeah and I know that we touched on it in one of our episodes kind of talking about
accepting your new life and moving forward and keeping busy and doing all these things but
something that we both have in common that we have both done and still do to this day
is kind of that law of attraction manifestation journaling so we kind of wanted to touch on that because I feel
like it could be helpful yeah not even people who are going through breakups but I think that could
be helpful for pretty much anyone like wherever you are at whatever point in your life like whether
it's just motherhood or whether you know you're at a point where you're just like I want to make
some changes and I aspire to a bigger and better life absolutely powerful yeah yeah so
we're going to kind of stem back a bit we obviously spoke about our healing journey
towards the beginning of the process of breaking up didn't we and but I think what's really
important is that healing is really ongoing and it's something that needs to be continuous and I
think it's like what we've said before, that healing isn't linear.
And sometimes things can come up that trigger
or, you know, healing takes time
and it takes continuous work.
It's not like, oh, I'm healed, magic,
like I'm sewn back together again,
all my wounds are fixed.
It's like, it takes a lot of conscious work and
I think we just thought it might be helpful to talk about some of the things that we're doing
at the moment yeah so I think we both happened to mention that we both made new vision boards when
we broke up from our exes so kind of explaining what a vision board is for anyone that doesn't
know so I got like a cork board
I think I got it off Amazon you can get them in Hobbycraft or whatever and then I got the little
pins and I generally prefer having photos and then a few words because I like to kind of like
see what it is I want and you pretty much put on there exactly what it is that you want some people
might do like a yearly vision board or a five-year plan
or whatever and I actually went through my new vision board with my therapist because like this
is literally like her thing and she told me that there are kind of like nine life areas which you
should kind of cover on your vision board so I thought I'd quickly go through them so number one
is like health physical and emotional so I've got things on there like I actually think I've got the words on there like healthy and then for like emotional I might have
things like um positive mental attitude just kind of like putting words out there as stuff that I
want to feel yeah and obviously with I've touched on it before with my phobia, you shouldn't really put on there anything, any negative words.
So I actually found FEAR, F-E-A-R, can also stand for face everything and rise, which I love.
So I've got that on my vision board.
And then number two is a partner.
So like having the same values, you might write that.
And number two is a partner.
So like having the same values, you might write that.
Because I remember you said the minute you made your new vision board,
you wanted to kind of state what you want in a partner.
So that might be like.
Yeah.
And I think doing things like that, especially if you're going through a breakup,
everything's really fresh in your head as to like what you would want.
And it's nice to write it out.
I think it's refreshing as well. It kind of makes you look forward to knowing what you can have this is what i didn't like this is now what i'm going to make
sure that i get on the thoseables yeah um so i just put here like same like good family values
kind generous like just literally everything you like words and then I've also got on there things like a wedding dress and like a
wedding ring and just things that I one day would like to have in regards to like the partner
um then I've got here career so I I put podcasts which is really weird manifest I know and that was
before I even knew that you were going through all of this so I've got like I think a word saying podcast and then I've got like a photo of a microphone
um which just yeah it's just things like that where you're like yep thank you tick you've done
that um money so I've actually got a check on my vision board and I've written an amount of money
however crazy it may seem however big you want it with a
vision board I feel like the whole point in it is you don't need to have a way yeah a reason or a
way of guessing it just see it see it but also believe that it can be yours one day and yes the
key point remember we'll go into that but yeah I agree I've got a check on there and then like
family and social I've got like loads of different holiday destinations I've got Disney World on there I've got Caribbean I've got skiing
I've never been skiing before I've got a safari like so again like loads of just like places or
things that I would like to go to I've got a house on there I want eventually one day please
god like a massive house and a car even like as little as and it can be look some people might think oh
that's so materialistic but i do have like the next handbag that i want me because i aspire to
afford buying myself so i've got my cartier rings and bracelet on there i've got my chanel bag on
there because why not me too yes that classy yeah maybe we'll go and buy it together um seven personal development like so i put i think
i've got a book on there and like i've put things like read more or like i've got a massage bed
with someone having a massage and like like i just feel like yeah self-care um i think i've
got words like sleep because i want to make sure i sleep better and
like fitness like the health side of things um and then here number eight is spiritual and number
nine is emotional so i think i've got like in massive words like happy abundance fun love so
they were kind of like the areas that i went through to kind of make sure that I ticked each life area.
But there is no right or wrong with a vision board.
It can be very much tailored to, you know, there may be someone that's listening to this that just really wants to know how I can manifest a really good life for myself.
But it's got nothing to do with a partner or marriage or holiday.
It might be all about work and the jobs that you want
or it's also really fun and empowering thing to do so the way I I did it quite similar
but mine was I actually removed a family photo from an a3 photo frame so I've done it on there
and I just stuck um pictures on there but on pinterest if you if you want some
inspiration and don't really know where to start if you go on pinterest and type in vision board
pictures loads will come up and it's a really nice way of starting to think oh actually this
is what i'd like i'd like this i'd like this um and i printed mine all off like little squares
and i sat down here and i scattered them all out and I did the same
I didn't actually have these titles weird I'm doing my vision board refresh tonight so I've
got all my pictures saved I'm printing them this evening I just feel like so when I first did my
vision board it was very it was literally a matter of weeks after I was on my own and firstly I've
I've achieved a hell of a lot of those things quite quickly.
Amazing.
But also there's some things that have now changed and that I really want on there.
Like what?
So at the time I only had one picture of like,
this sounds really cheesy,
I had one picture and it was like a shadow of a man and a woman kissing.
I've got holding hands.
I've got two hands.
And then a few words about what I'd want.
But I feel like I'm more specific about what I would want now.
And again, previously, I didn't know whether at one point
I'd be open to having something more like that.
I don't know.
I never really looked past kind of
just getting over what was going on I think just my dreams and hopes for my future have changed
somewhat um and you know I think it's nice I feel like that probably makes you see from the point
that you made that which was only a few months ago to now how far you've come yeah that's like
actually do you know what yeah I've achieved some of these but now my goals are slightly different because
i'm in a better headspace so it's really nice kind of but like tash like i've got similar things so
i've got quite a lot of like business orientated goals again i've got quite specific money goals
on there and i've got like loads of like boss bitch quotes and like being an independent kind
of like business and I've got like dreams for my future home again though I feel like those are
revolving things like the travel I've got loads of that and Disneyland Paris was up there and there
was like a girls trip one which obviously i've just been on and that was not
like it's just weird stuff there's a couple others on there that are very close to being achieved
podcast um there's one and it's this really beautiful picture i think i've shared it
somewhere i'll try and find it it's really beautiful it's like what you're going to say
because i remember you sharing it yeah and it's got like all these flowers over and it's about a healing heart.
It's just honestly,
like even if you're not going through a breakup,
I cannot recommend it enough.
I've been doing vision boards since lockdown 2020.
It's when I first handed in my notice to my teaching job,
I was on my own and I remember thinking,
and again,
so this is another really like lovely kind of transitioning
your life like it's a really good thing to do at any point in your life but I remember thinking
I've handed in my notice I had a relatively good salary it was all down to me and I remember
thinking shit how am I going to earn enough money for us to live? I needed to make a certain amount of money for us to break even, let alone thrive.
And so I remember around that time, I was doing a lot of reading on manifesting
and I was very open to learning about the laws of attraction.
And one thing that kept coming up was vision boards.
So I was like, I'm going to try it.
And I remember at the time, like thinking as I was doing it it's insane like this kind of lifestyle
could never be mine I remember having a Louis Vuitton bag on there I had a Cartier ring on there
I had and it wasn't just material things there were there were other things on there
one of them was um another baby and I had my life really yeah um and
really I was spending a lot of time putting those laws of attraction and really putting a lot of
work into that aspect and I ticked a hell of a lot off I'm sat here wearing my Cartier ring
I got my Louis Vuitton bag I know those are just materialistic things but
if you would have asked me a few years ago
would I have ever been able to have anything like that the answer I would have said that's just not
for me that's just not the life I'll have you have to believe it and if you're not dreaming of it
first you're not going to have it and there's something really magical and exciting to think
actually we can create the future we want.
Yeah.
And I really, really strongly believe that.
It's funny.
My old vision board was before I fell pregnant with Rome
and I had just like a healthy little baby,
had a photo of breastfeeding because it's all I've ever wanted to do.
And it's just really not,
there's just something really rewarding about like ticking off these things that you feel like you've manifested.
I feel like the key with manifestation and it's not as simple as see it, want it, get it.
There is a lot more to it.
And we were actually going to maybe like list a few books that we've read and everything and things that can help.
and we were actually going to maybe like list a few books that we've read and everything and things that can help but i feel like they say it's having that like feeling of acting like you
already have it yeah is what makes that difference how would that woman feel like if you was say for
example you're manifesting a bag how would you feel when you have that bag would you walk any
differently would you dress any differently would you carry yourself would you be more confident in yourself and you've got to embrace who she is
and be that person now and if you believe you already have those things and you know that is
real that's what attracts it to you I feel like it's very much that whole concept of you get back what you give out you put out and positive vibe yeah and if you
are on that frequency of like that positive energy look i don't want to offend anyone by saying this
i feel like i've always got something controversial to say but you know you may have that one friend
that's very much like negi nigel oh why does this always happen to me? Oh, trust that to happen to me.
Oh, this happened to me.
Or, you know, Eve, do you know what?
You may not even be that person.
It may just be that day.
Like the day...
Today, this is my day today.
The morning that you've had today.
I feel like when you're in that mindset...
Yeah.
Oh, typical.
Well, yeah, obviously that's happened to me.
It keeps happening.
Do you want to know what one of my things are?
I always win in my premium bonds.
I never don't, okay? my premium bonds i never don't okay and genuinely i never don't because i am waiting for that email because i'm going to win next month and i do and i do because i believe it i get that parking space
because i see me getting that parking space every time i go to the same shopping center
i always get around the same area that parking space because I see it happening so sometimes I feel like yes
I'm not saying like the minute you have a breakup or if you're having a bad day or if you lose that
job you're not allowed to be negative because then you're just going to attract more negative
human but eventually I think it gets to a point where if something isn't working for you or it's not happening correctly you need to change your mindset like how amazing to and how empowered would you feel if you knew
genuinely that if you wanted something you can get it now let's be realistic don't get me wrong
I would love to manifest that I will one day marry Justin Bieber but we've got to be slightly realistic
do you know what I mean like sadly I don't think that's going to happen and I'm okay with that so
I'm not going to waste my energy trying to manifest things that are unrealistic but certain things at
the end of the day like why can't you aspire to get that house that you want to have if you put
your mind to it and you work hard yeah bring it on
but I think one thing that a lot of people struggle with is speaking positively to yourself
every day and it's things so it's not to strip it back sometimes and it's something I used to ask a
lot of my clients is how many times are you negatively talking to yourself in the day so it
might be you catch a glimpse of yourself in the day so it might be
you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and you might be like oh my god like i look awful or
like look at those eye bags or oh i wish i could lose a few pounds like we are subconsciously
negatively speaking to ourselves honestly tens multiple multiple times a day so we are feeding ourselves negative negative negative
negative sorry so when what we need to do is as people who aspire to more is to make sure we're
feeding positive and that takes conscious work and and one of my best pieces of advice to anyone
who wants to start making small changes is gratitude and this is something I was doing for
years and it's actually something I want to make I'm using this as accountability I'm going to
start doing it again because the difference it made in me was just powerful so I used to start
my day off with gratitude I had a journal I'm try and link it on our page or something but you can
just do this on any notebook but when you wake up in the morning
before you lift up your phone before you do anything you have your journal next to your book
your bed and you write down three things that you are grateful for and it might be the sun is shining
through my window it might be the smell of coffee downstairs it might be my child slept through the
night it could be anything anything that you in that moment feel grateful for and already that puts you on a high frequency it makes you feel good you're like i've
got so much here like this is amazing you could extend it you could write down something you're
looking forward to doesn't have to but it's just again it's another extension of something that's
making you feel good then before you go to sleep at night last thing i do before bed write down
three things you're grateful for three good things that happened so it literally could be
you know um the sound of giggles from one of your children it could be i don't know like
something you ate that was really delicious i managed to get that work done yeah it could be
it could be tiny but it's three positive things um and there was
one point i was writing down like one good deed i did that day and a couple of other bits again
you're then ending your night before you go to sleep feeling really positive even if you've had
the world's crepest day and loads of other stuff have gone wrong you've still managed to find three
good things in that day and i just think there's something really powerful that keeps you on a really high vibration
and I feel like when you're grateful for what you already have and you more you more appreciate and
recognize what you have you're going to get more back yeah I actually read on something it might
have even been like a video on TikTok and it said like start being especially when you're looking for maybe like a new partner be more aware with what
you have to offer rather than worrying what you don't have because putting out that positive
energy is like it's like when someone says to me like were you ever worried about I think I had it
on my Q&A a few days ago were you ever worried that no one would want you with three children at first I was
but once I was in a better headspace I was like do you know what someone's going to be lucky to
take on my three kids I have like three amazing kids to offer to someone so it's it's my yeah
once you have that that attitude about life in general I feel like just genuinely it does
change your mindset on things moving forward and I feel like you just will probably yeah you get
as well like I feel like as well you want to be attracting like good and positive people into
your life like future partners you want someone who's on a good vibe who's on a good
vibration who's gonna give that back you don't want like someone who's really negative about
stuff and I think that's also really important like I'm a big believer in like protecting your
energy and like one thing I don't like is someone like invading my energy with like negative things
I'm very much like oh yeah and I think again like putting these things into practice
I'm not I'm not saying oh if you just think be grateful for what you have after a breakup you'll
be fine like absolutely feel the feels like feel everything yeah when you're you know you you are
grieving it's part of a grieving process um and I'm not saying you know oh my god like don't be
negative and feel like your world's fallen apart. Absolutely feel everything. Everything is completely valid. But when you are ready to start moving forwards and, you know, you consciously want to heal, these are just some things we think.
then talk about the whole journaling process which I think falls in line with like manifesting and healing and if I look back at the beginning of my journal when I broke up I did all that negative
like it was you have to know how poor in my heart I'm sad I'm crying and I'm writing it all out but
there's something just really it almost like lets you like breathe do you know what i mean i think you need to
let the emotion out sometimes people try and hold it in i feel like men tend i don't want to be like
stereotyping i think men but if you're like speak more yeah but it's really important you let it all
out and you feel i think one thing i was really scared at the start was feeling everything
once you I feel like one I remember because I read it back you know I told you how I've been
reading it back and I wrote one bit where I was like I haven't cried in weeks I'm so shocked and
then something happened and I started crying and honestly I feel like I cried three weeks worth in like an hour but that really
helped me I feel like if you keep it in and you don't work on it and get through it it will
eventually come out but maybe in other ways and you may then you know take that trauma and put
it into a good relationship so although we said like oh um i think we spoke
about previously maybe there's not a particular right time you don't have to be completely ready
today one thing i would say is making sure that the healing process is in a good enough place
to go to another relationship you're not bringing all the pain. Yeah. Don't take the bad lessons that you've kind of like learned from one relationship and bring it into a new one.
Yeah.
Almost like behave the same in that relationship.
Yeah.
In person.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think definitely like, it was scary at the start to feel all the feelings because it's painful.
Like I remember just being so shocked at how physical pain was in terms to an emotional relationship.
I really, not me for six, like the physical, I used to literally feel like that heartache.
But it's really important to feel it
it's really important to just let it out like there's going to be days there's going to be
weeks there might be months of feeling that pain and certain things might bring that pain up
but letting it out accepting it recognize even naming it is really helpful and like journaling for me I wrote down a lot of my
feelings but another way I've always kind of articulated the way I'm feeling is um I write
quite a lot of poetry and stuff and that's just always been my way of putting words to paper
and just like letting it out is so and it's not even that i don't know i have read a couple of
them back and i'm it is you know bring up emotions but i don't think like someone asked me the other
day oh do you read back through your journals i don't even think you write a journal to read
back through i think it's more an outlet for you it's some it's a safe space it's
somewhere you can literally just open up yeah you don't have to be like ashamed or afraid to hold
back um so something that I did that I feel like ties in quite nicely with the whole like journaling
and whatever my therapist told me to write out a list of 50 things good about myself now I'm not gonna lie I found it quite a struggle
at first um but it can be like as simple as I'm a loyal friend or I try to be a good mom so I feel
like once you get into it I'm amazing yeah no but like I did end up feeling like really good
about myself and then she also said I needed to make a list of 20 bad things about my ex I bet
that was a little bit easy not gonna lie it was crazy um and I don't know I just found it really
impact like it just made me feel good I just saw all these great things about
me and then all these not so great things about him and you know I get messages a lot from people
saying things like I just I can't move on I can't get over him like I really miss him like I don't
know how I'm gonna do it and I really resonate with him because I really felt that way. Like he was literally like my world.
I didn't know anything different than being with him.
But when I used to say things like I miss him so much.
Yeah, I think about maybe some good memories or I don't know.
I feel like you get so wrapped up in missing what you thought you had and it's
familiarity and yeah it's it's almost like a habit yeah I think at the end of the day and
some people might be listening to this being like but my guy was a good guy and he just fell out of
love with me so it's that much harder but I think it does come down to being confident enough to realise that if you're not together anymore,
there's something better out there for you.
And that's what then comes with the journaling
and the manifestation and really believing,
not necessarily having to manifest the perfect person
because no one's perfect,
but there's going to be someone out there
that is better suited for you.
And it took me a really long time that sometimes I'd sit there
and find myself crying and being really sad and being like,
I just miss him so much.
I just wish he was here.
And I would go back to my list and be like, well, actually, hold on.
Do I miss this bad point?
Hell no.
Do I miss this bad point?
And then I'm like, what am I missing?
I don't know.
Do I miss this bad point?
And then I'm like, what am I missing?
I'm missing the idea of like having someone or sharing your life with someone.
And so having that list, as brutal as it may sound.
It's a good idea.
I'm going to do both those things.
Yeah, I feel like it's really helpful.
So maybe that might be the first stage for someone
that's kind of going through that breakup
and really struggling to detach themselves emotionally.
I think as well, going back to the journaling thing.
So not only did it help me like recognize how I'd been feeling for a long period of time I think we
I know for me personally I struggled to even accept that my relationship wasn't perfect and
I think I put on such a facade for so long to
everyone else you think you did it to yourself as well yeah this is it I think I was so good at
putting on this facade to other people that I always believed it like I'd been living this
happy family who go out and do all these amazing family stuff and you know we got these two perfect boys and we live in our dream home and this and
that and I think I'd ended up believing this so much but when I've delved in deeper I think really
what I've uncovered is I feel really awful saying this as well is I don't believe I've been in love
for a very long time
or for longer than yeah something should have been addressed earlier and I think that's probably on
both parts of us I think we've mentioned before but people change and when you've been with someone
for a very long time you change but it's really important that you're evolving together and you
know you're growing together and those values still remain the same.
And those, you know, priorities and things remain the same.
And I think it's only problematic when you're growing, but you're growing apart from each other.
And those values and things don't match up anymore.
But I didn't know any of that before any of this happened.
I'd never delved into it.
Did you journal much when you were together?
No, and I've always...
Do you think, love, you did?
Maybe.
That you would have been more self-aware?
I do. I do think that might have been the case.
I was so...
The only things I really did when we were together
were things like gratitude and things.
So I think I was so busy focusing on positive things.
And this is what I'm saying. It is really good being positive but I also think if
there's stuff going on it is really important to be able to like open up and get into the nitty
gritty because in my head I was like I'm so lucky I've got this I've got this I've got this and I
was busy focusing on the brilliant things and I don't know almost like convincing myself I was really happy. And I don't personally believe like my relationship would have ended in at all.
And unless things had gone the way they'd gone.
And in a way, I almost have to be grateful for that.
I think it will allow us both in the long run to be happier and, you know, to lead more fulfilled lives in turn for my kids to be happier and you know to lead more fulfilled lives and in turn for my kids to be
happier but for me like journaling honestly I cannot recommend it enough and again like
once you're able to really reflect on exactly how that relationship made you feel elements that
you know weren't okay and things like that it then allows you to also be able to plan ahead
for that future to recognize this is
what I want in a future partner this is these things are now really important to me because
I know for me when I was first with my ex
my dreams and aspirations and values were so different obviously becoming a mum changes you
massively but people change over time we evolve we grow um so yeah I really really recommend
journaling even if you're not a writer like I know you said you journaled a lot by writing on
your phone yeah some people hate picking up a pen to paper even if you type it on a laptop or a
phone or I know some people who um there's a couple of apps you can get where you you speak
you speak it if you prefer saying things like there was this thing I did for a while and all
about positive affirmations where like I recorded this script of me saying all these like really positive things to myself like um you know things like I don't know you attract money
with ease or um you are beautiful you are powerful you are strong you are deserving of love and I
used to say this down the microphone onto this app and I used to play it back and listen to it in the
car just all these positive affirmations I think are really really powerful and again this is another
thing this isn't related to like breaking up I think just in general it's really lovely if you've
got children but I need to get back in the habit of doing it I used to with Theo before bed but we
used to say five or six affirmations before bed so he used to say like i am smart i am kind i am clever or
whatever it is like i just think if we can get children to start positively speaking to themselves
i love it's that whole thing isn't it like if you say it to yourself and you believe it and i think
children are like sponges if you instill that in them, how powerful. Yeah. But we know like now, like way more than when our parents were younger
about the law of attraction and stuff.
That wasn't a thing then.
Yeah.
We know how amazing and powerful words like that can be.
If we can get our kids in the habits of doing that, how powerful.
Yeah.
Imagine how amazing our kids will feel when they're older if they're like,
I am beautiful. Like I am worthy if they're like, I am beautiful.
I am worthy of love.
Now I'm loved.
I did something similar with the kids.
I stopped doing it.
And this has obviously made me think I need to do it.
But we'd sit in bed before they went to bed.
And I'd say, right, I want you to tell me your favorite thing
that you did today.
And what are you looking forward to tomorrow?
And I guess it's like a similar sort of thing and another thing I did which I shared on my Instagram which people loved
is it was leading up to Christmas their birthday and Christmas is just a month apart so we did it
last year and I'm going to do it again this year but we made vision boards so what we did is we
went to Smith's we got a catalogue because it's free.
It's a really actually just fun activity to do in the day.
Go to Smith's.
We took loads of photos,
but then we also took the catalogue home
and we pretty much did like just cutting and sticking
and they made a little vision board
and they knew that this is what we would really like
for Christmas and our birthday.
And I just said to them,
I want you to look at it every morning
and just be like, I really hope they get that.
But obviously I made it realistic.
I explained to them that sometimes
you can't get everything you want in one go.
Like, you know, if Blake went and picked
like the most expensive 400 pound toy,
I'd be like, oh, we're not able to do that one
because Santa can't bring that.
But yeah, so, and it was just,
I feel like it's a nice way of making a fun activity and
without them even realizing they've got their vision boards and they're manifesting and they
then got the toys that they wanted and they just think it's because that like they truly believe
that they were going to get it I just I do think mindset is so powerful and it's overlooked yeah
so much even just talking about all this doesn't make me excited no but it's made
me realize like oh I've really gone off course like I really need to like this I'm going to fill
in the few gaps on my vision board and I need to start doing my gratitude list again and so I feel
like however much you're used to doing it and you're aware of what needs to be done it's very
easy to get caught up in like everyday mundane it is because there's always a hundred things to do and that's in my head why
i think i've put off um adding yeah like redoing my vision book so i'm like oh i've got this work
i've got this i've got the other got to do this but actually all those things are going to bring
the bigger things to me so this is actually worth putting the time in 100 so yeah i hopefully that's
been helpful
like again what we said this doesn't just have to be from a breakup it can literally be at any point
if you've never done anything like this we challenge you to go and make a vision board to
start practicing gratitude and we'd love to hear from you guys yes i take photo well actually i
guess vision boards can be quite personal but even just maybe a few snippets of photos like tag us
like let us know that you're
either journaling or doing your vision board because it is powerful yeah it is and it works
so yeah we are going to go on to some emails now it's really good to just share different
situations and circumstances okay so let's go through some emails to end the episode hey ladies
so i reached out a couple of times with unhesitated when it came to sharing my story with you,
but I feel I finally found the courage to share my story
and not delete it before sending.
Rewind to January last year when I found out
that my husband was not only gambling, shoplifting,
as well as cheating amongst other things.
That was just the start of the very long list.
I asked him to leave our family home to work on himself
and for us to attend marriage counselling.
We spent just over three months apart when I had a mental breakdown and begged for him to come back
home, which he did after agreeing he would change and that we both needed to work together on fixing
our marriage for the sake of our three young children. To start with, things were doing great.
It was almost as if we'd fallen back in love with each other all over again. Then the walls came
crashing down sometime in July. Specifically, remember it being sports day my husband had gone out for dinner and drinks with
his work colleagues I went to bed expecting to wake up with him next to me but for some reason
I woke up at 3am and he wasn't home duties past record I started to ring around I then rang
hospital as expecting the worst they informed me that my husband was in hospital but that were but that was all they could tell me a short time later i received a phone call from the police
regarding my husband's welfare they were concerned there were concerns that he had been discharged
that he had discharged himself from hospital i then received a message from my husband stating
how much he loved us and that he was sorry. However, he then switched his phone off.
So it's making me feel a bit unwell.
It's terrifying.
The alarm bells were ringing,
but this wasn't the first time over the past 13 years
he had done this on many occasions.
I waited anxiously trying to make out to the children
that Daddy had stayed at a friend
and that he would be coming home shortly.
Come 7am, the kids were all
ready for sports day and my phone rings it was my husband. He advises me he's been in a car accident
and asked that I pick him up from the hospital. So he headed straight to the hospital, dropped
off the kids and then came home from where he told me that he'd tried to end his life.
Of course I was absolutely devastated but as ever supportive and caring. My husband said he
would speak to the GP about his mental health and that he needed help. Fast forward to October I was
looking for some paperwork on our desk in the lounge when I noticed a large pile of paperwork
quite clearly addressed from the police. It didn't take long for me to work out that these papers
were due to him drink driving and having to attend a court case.
So not only had he lied about the fact that he had been drink driving but he'd also lied and said that he had attempted to take his own lie. Of course I was absolutely devastated but at the
same time it convinced me that it was myself who was to blame and in fact it was me who had pushed
him to drink drive. I honestly look back now and feel like such an idiot. This was just the start
of things to come. I just wanted
to share as I gave him a second chance and it
quite possibly was the worst decision I ever made.
Thanks girls for all you're doing.
Ugh. Bats.
I'm not going to lie, someone that really resonates
with me. Yeah.
Um.
I.
It's just so sad when you hear what people get put through and then they blame themselves.
And it's, you can't stop it.
Like, I did that.
Um, I mean, all I can say is like, you know, really brave to send it.
You said that you didn't want to at first.
I think it just
shows how brave you are and now that you're out of that things can only get better i think as well
it's another example of i think often people think when we're talking about breakdown and marriages
people often just think about infidelity and things like that there's so much more in terms of deceit and, you know, other situations.
And I think, you know, good for you for finally, you know, being able to step away from it.
Yeah.
And just sending lots of luck, really.
Yeah.
No, absolutely.
Should we do one more?
Hi, both.
Very into the pod.
My story's a little different.
Maybe I was trying to get out for a while.
Maybe I should have stayed. I'm very much at a crossroads. Maybe I'll go back. I fell for my best friend.
Sounds magical, sure. We moved in together at the start of lockdown as friends. Fell in love. Two
weeks later, I was found out I was pregnant and our little girl is two years old now. My total
best friend, I never thought he'd be like all the rest, but sure enough, the cracks started to show
and my triggers got tripped. I always felt there was a disparity between men and women but I never truly grasped
how much so until I was pregnant and then on maternity leave. I have a great corporate job
and I'm very well educated but none of that mattered to the rest of the world when suddenly
all they could see is mum. But yet my partner got to be dad, partner, friend, colleague. His life
continued and mine felt like it stopped. Anyway, fast forward to some arguing over him going out too much, me being triggered by his
behaviour, me feeling like I was the housekeeper, mother, partner, and he just got to be him.
I get to go back to work, controversial sure, but I personally am a much better mum working.
I get my independence back, I get a promotion and suddenly I'm important and one night we
fall out over a few things, but things hadn't been right for a while. The scales were in the air. I asked him to move out.
I thought I can do everything just on my own and sure I can. Now we co-parent and we're still
friendly. He's been trying to win me back showing me he won't behave like he did before. He's a
totally new person. Amazing dad. But I think my love for him has changed and so I'm at a
crossroads assigning what to do and where to go sure other people have shown their interest but
it's a case of am I happier alone or am I happier trying to get back to the good times we could all
end up with loads of different people it's all in the timing sliding doors you said last week it's
easier to hate them you couldn't be more right being in limbo is far worse anyway there's not a conclusion just food for thought what if you don't know what's best and
there's no clear answer happy podcast it's a really hard one and i think it sounds like from
reading it that you've kind of made up your mind i feel like you're more sure that you can do this on your own. And I feel like you have almost, and I don't care, I'm going to put it out there.
I do believe that women sacrifice a hell of a lot more than men when it comes to becoming mothers.
On the whole, even physically, I don't think men will ever understand how much that changes someone um and I resonate
to a lot of the things you said about feeling like everything in your world and your life
changed and there's kind of stays the same yeah um and it is really hard when you have that
resentment against them I guess because everything in your world changes um i guess what i would do is really
really spend some time reflecting i don't think you need to have definitive answers by a set
time and point like spend some time together see if there is still a spark there i don't think you
need to put pressure on yourself deciding like if he loves you enough and he genuinely wants to make
it work he'll wait as long as it takes yeah you to yeah it doesn't need to it doesn't need to be a
do i try again no no as you said spend some time together no pressure off yeah take see if he
behaves the way you feel like he should and then if he doesn't maybe there's your answer i shouldn't
speak louder than words if he's putting all those things that he's promising you into place,
then that could change everything.
I think I would be willing to just see
because it doesn't sound like the particular thing has happened.
But I can appreciate as things build up.
And as well, it sounds like you were feeling certain feelings
that weren't necessarily being heard or validated and maybe it's not until you've stepped away that
he's like kind of started to listen does that make sense i don't again yeah i think i would just
see see oh yeah but i think one thing I would say is the fact that you
said that you feel like you maybe could be better doing it on your own just make sure that you don't
fall into a habit of oh do you know what it is easier together and although I may not love him
as much as I used to he's trying trying. Like, don't accept the minimum,
but I still feel like you could try and be happy.
So, yeah.
And it could just be like a,
it could just be like a blip.
And, you know, things do change.
They do change everything.
And as well, you've got a two-year-old.
That's also quite a difficult age
in terms of like you know not quite being able to communicate milo's nearly two and
rome's two it's quite a challenging age and yeah i would i would say i think we're both on the same
page with that one yeah that was a good one well guys thank you for joining us for another episode
hopefully it was helpful yes make sure you guys try and do some journaling,
get your vision books going.
I know.
We are both going to put more of those things into practice.
Absolutely.
Doing my gratitude list tonight.
Don't forget to follow us and share these episodes
with as many of your friends as possible.
We like to get spread.
We like to get spread.
Oh dear.
On that note,
make sure you still send your emails in.
Love you guys.
See you later.
Bye.