Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Popping upstairs to iron the napkins!!!

Episode Date: December 25, 2024

Merry Christmas from the Off Air team! We hope this email special Christmas bonus episode brings you some festive cheer. Jane and Fi chat destitute donkeys, round robins and Noel Edmonds. Get your suggestions in for the next book club pick! If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] Follow us on Instagram! @janeandfiPodcast Producer: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now shall we head down under? Yeah, let's go there. Let's go there, Corba! Let's join Jean. I've never been and I won't be going. LAUGHS Ho, ho, ho, you're on. OK, we're keeping that in. Ho, ho, ho, you're on. OK, we're keeping that in. Ho, ho, ho, you're on.

Right, festive greetings from all of us. Do we find you listening to this shut in the pantry, shut in the laundry cupboard, sitting outside in the car, taking a dog walk, even though you don't have a dog? Welcome to an escape from Christmas. I think people could have gone out for batteries. That's another favourite trick, isn't it? Oh, we haven't got those batteries,

but I think I know a shop that might be open. And yeah, you can take up to an hour and a half, absolutely, to go and get those. Oh, my favourite, and I have used this in the past, I hope nobody will be offended, suddenly discovering that I need to iron the napkins. It's not something I usually do anyway. Just going to pop up and iron the napkins. Oh no, I must. Oh no, I absolutely must.

Do you have a special Christmas tablecloth? Oh, we've got a lovely lovely Christmas runner. Oh yes. Yeah, that comes out every year. And I mean, I wish it had some, you know, incredible kind of family history attached to it or whatever. I bought it in John Lewis a couple of years ago. We don't have any great heirlooms that are brought up. I really like it Jane and it's rather lovely and slightly childish. The reindeers you know those kind of free form, the reindeers that you might draw when you were doing Christmas cards in kind of free form the reindeers that you might draw yeah when

you were doing Christmas cards in kind of year six or seven and I like it for that reason. What do you have? Well no there is in fact you've just reminded me there is there is a family tablecloth I think I might have it so as we speak I probably need to remember to take it somewhere else so actually that's gonna write that on my hand. So wherever you are, whatever you're doing and it may not be Christmas Day in your world as you're listening to this, we hope you are having a good Christmas Day or you've had a decent Christmas Day or you are... what's the other alternative? You're either having it, you're either in the present

no you can't be in the future. No. You could be what? Oh you could be in Australia. So you could have had Christmas. So it could be all over. Yeah. Spooky times. All you've got to look forward to is April Fool's Day. Do they have that in Australia? I think they do. We've got some, we have some antipodean greetings actually and descriptions don't we of just how busy it is over there when you get to Christmas. We're going to get through as many of your emails as is humanly possible and we've also got presents to give to each other. Do you think it's wise to do that at the beginning or the end? Let's do it at the end.

Let's do it at the end. I think so too. This one comes in from Sophie who says this may not be allowed because it refers to your previous podcast, that's alright. But I wanted to share my favourite memory so far of listening to you both and Sophie wanted this to be read out on our Christmas special. You did an episode with the lady who presents you and yours of listening to your chat before the guest arrived. There was reference to her having been married seven times. Well, I never, I thought you would never have guessed. That's Winifred Robinson. Only to concentrate a bit harder and realise you were referring to Jacques Gabor. I still laugh if I catch Winifred on the radio. They've never been seen in the same room.

They haven't, but also Sophie, I think that's a rather fantastic example of one of those things where it would have been better if you hadn't re-heard it, concentrated harder and come to know the truth, because it would be rather magical every time Winifred came on the radio to say, Gosh, seven times! She was certainly there about taking things back. One of God's trials. It would also have been fantastic to have Zaja Gabor at the helm of You and Yours. It would just be wonderful. Well, I think she must have stood in the returns counter at John Lewis's wedding department. I don't want my husband here. I don't want this. It's shoddy. It doesn't work. Happy Christmas to Meg. I'm a 25 year old doctor working in London. This is gonna be my first Christmas day,

not at home home with family, as I have drawn the short straw of working night shifts on the 23rd, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day. I was delighted to hear you'll be releasing an episode on The Big Day, at Capital Letters there, and look forward to waking up to it on either my commute to work or hopefully during a break in the shift. I'm reluctant to use the dreaded Q word, that means quiet of course, to be honest I am dreading being in my London flat on my own for Christmas

and would love to hear stories of other people working throughout the period including any anecdotes from shifts you undoubtedly worked as journalists in the past. I'm grateful to my sister who's made me an advent calendar finishing on the 28th, that's a great idea, and my cousins who've invited me around for a fish pie breakfast on my way to work. They have this traditionally on Christmas Eve. I'm really hoping the population of South London stays out of hospital over Christmas, especially at night. Meg, well you're one of the great heroines and heroes of the NHS over the festive period. She does say though, if

patients need us we are always here for you. NHS love. Well, absolutely. Yeah. And I have used the NHS notably on Boxing Day a couple of years ago. They did a wonderful job. So obviously it's not nothing's, you know, nothing can ever be perfect 100% of the time. But I can only speak personally, I've had quite good service over the years from my local NHS. Have you ever worked a show on air on Christmas Day? Yes, I have. Yeah Yeah me too. What was your experience? Well it just shows you, and by the way Meg honestly you are brilliant and just to be 25

and to be a doctor and working in hospital I mean you've worked hard all your life to get this far so congratulations to you and I really hope you do have a queue kind of a Christmas in that hospital. I yeah things have changed because I remember driving to Broadcasting House to do a breakfast show on Christmas morning and parking my Fiat Panda just right outside. Just outside. Yeah, you could. I mean, it just wasn't challenged. There was nobody around. And it does feel, I know it sounds weird, working on Christmas Day, there is a kind

of weird, heightened feel, isn't there? I mean when you're DJing, not when you're a doctor, that's very different when you're a radio presenter. Definitely, definitely. And I always used to really rather enjoy it because there's a kind of bonhomie. There's a, you know, the radio stations and you were at broadcasting house, I would have been down the road at GLI headquarters in Beaumont Muse, the radio station was empty and so you had quite a nice kind of, you know, we've got the ship to ourselves feeling going on. It was definitely a time I think where radio comes into its own. So you know that you're broadcasting to lots of people who are on their own or with their families, maybe not enjoying every second of it. They want familiarity, which is why they're back with you on such a big day. And they want you to be a little

bit different and not take them into reality, take them out of reality. So I always felt they were quite nice shows to do. I think they are, I agree, and I think it is a rather a lovely thing to be able to do as a kind of, this is going to sound, as a sort of public, a genuine public service. Yeah, no, I think sometimes radio is just terrific for that, and if that's you, you know, and that's why you're listening to this, can we also recommend on Christmas Day you find your local radio station, tune into it, because it'll be full of people who you know will be delighted to be there. The phonons I think as well on Christmas Day are always quite funny towards the end of the day. If you're

lucky enough to still have a live show going out, people are calling in. It's usually quite good to reconnect with the people of your country by then. So yeah, all hail and all hail to all the DJs who are getting up this morning. DJs! DJs, absolutely. Judith comes in with festive greetings, what a pain in the arse, Christmas card surrounded by envelopes, I struggle through the list filtering out the dead, divorced and dreaded. The latter are the ones who send a sanctimonious email declaring that they aren't sending cards this year because instead they've donated to the local destitute

donkeys with dementia sanctuary. You're on my page. Right okay then, this card I've just spent minutes of my precious life writing, this very tasteful one I searched for or bought and then purchased a pension cribbingly expensive stamp for, I'll just rip it up shall I? As I get repetitive strain injury, Scrolling jolly yet insincere messages We must get together, let's have a festive noggin Do drop in whilst thinking very loudly DON'T

My husband chuckles at the chase, calling out answers, asking my opinion Well, I couldn't guess at how many O levels that bloke's got at just the moment because I'm a bit busy! When he asks if we have sent a card to his sister. Oh my god. I crack. I know it's only 5.30pm but I stomp off into the kitchen and drain the remnants of a bottle of Carver, resolving to pick a charity. I'll announce to the world in modestly pious tones that next year, instead of sending cards, I'm going to spend the money down Zara. Merry Christmas, Judith. Just tell everybody. Judith, you are kind of lady.

I'm not sending cards this year because I'm a tight-fisted tosser. Because I've seen a really nice top in mango. You can just bugger off. seen a really nice topping mango. At least though we don't get those, do you remember Simon Hoggart wasn't it the journalist who collected those round robins? I think I've got a copy of that it's a bit late now. His book? Yes. Maybe I'll remember it for next year because people if you're younger younger people might not remember the family round robins. Gosh how sad that that's died.

Oh, it's a shame. God, they were irritating though. Yeah. And it was basically people would outline in huge length their family holidays and Jocasta's GCSE results. The worst one that we ever got. And I kind of don't care actually if this is slightly dobbling somebody in, but we got one that started with, our new year was slightly ruined with the news of the death of one of our close friends in the bombing in Bali. And it started with that.

That was it. Our new year. Yeah, our new year. How selfish to be, oh my good god. And they were that kind of family where everything was about them. I can't relate to that but I imagine it does apply in some cases. Yeah. I mean they were so... well I mean in some cases they were very often very sad because people would relate the deaths of older members of the family and that was one, I suppose

that was an effective way of communicating to a large group of people because all this would be before. You could just bung it up on Twitter. Yeah, on the socials. But there was a lot of boasting. Yeah. And there was an awful lot of passive aggressive, we've got a more perfect family than you. So if you think Instagram was the first time people pretended to be happier than they actually are, bollocks,

these letters were doing it years and years ago. But you're absolutely right about the passive aggressive thing because there were some people who very cleverly managed to say things like, you know, I know that many of you were concerned about us when our first class trip around the world on the QE2 was interrupted. Thank you for getting in touch. And also, you know, we were incredibly surprised as grandparents that Ollie had the wherewithal to get a first at Oxford. Yes, we were so surprised. Just in case you hadn't heard about what he got. That was what he got. Yeah.

Yeah. Susan says, when you're young, you believe in Father Christmas. As you grow, you don't believe in Father Christmas. Then you have you believe in Father Christmas. As you grow, you don't believe in Father Christmas. Then you have to provide like Father Christmas. Then you start to look like Father Christmas. And finally, you're so confused, you may as well be Father Christmas. Susan says, I heard this from an old lady at church who still very much has her marbles. Susan, happy Christmas to you and your elderly friend at church. That's brilliant. That's fantastic.

Now, shall we head down under? Yeah, let's go there. Let's go there, Cobber! Let's join Jean. I've never been and I won't be going! What part of Australia are you visiting? I don't know. Or Aqaba. Okay. We're actually going to New Zealand.

Oh! So we're not even going? Well, I'm going shortly. Could you refine the accent a little bit? Do you know what? I was only thinking about New Zealand the other night because I was wondering whether or not Noel Edmonds has settled any better into New Zealand. Oh, he went, didn't he?

Yeah, I just thought it was supposed to be so strange for the delightful New Zealand. Oh he went didn't he? He went. I just thought it's just supposed to be so strange for the delightful New Zealanders who do seem to be a very environmentally aware, welcoming, hospitable nation. Imagine if Noel Edmonds arrived. Well I don't know what he's doing. Why? Because he might kind of spontaneously combust or something? No, because he's brought with him. I think he's built a power in a cool crinkly bottom. You've obviously followed his career much more closely than I have. All of those things. It would be so strange, wouldn't it? It's the export from this country. That's what I'm trying to say. Well, let's not rule it out. He could be listening. Let's start 2025 as we mean to go on. So, okay, with news from Jean.

Tell us, yeah, tell us how you get going. You're absolutely right. I'm sure you're tired of hearing about the summer Christmas in the Antipodes and I must admit that Australia is usually much hotter than New Zealand, which used to make us envious, but now with global warming I'm much happier with the usually around 25 degrees here on the day. Even after nearly 40 years here I still miss a cold frosty dark Christmas but have slightly become used to Santa roasting on the back of a truck during a Christmas parade and children asking for cold drinks and ice blocks to cool

down. One of my happiest memories is my mum then aged about 80 coming from Dorset to visit us and her hopping over the burning sand to the beautiful Pacific Ocean and hearing her sing loudly and out of tune in the bleak midwinter. Much to our amusement. Frosty wind made moon. Mind you, Jesus was born in a hot country so I'm sure could happily have enjoyed the joke. Very best wishes to the festive season to all of you. Well thank you, Jean. What a lovely picture you paint and I'm not sure I'd ever get used to that, Jane. No, I know I wouldn't.

Let's go to sunny Western Australia with a story from Sasha who says, I was one of three children and growing up Christmas was always a massive deal in our house, full of traditions and family time, but sadly my big brother died of cancer three days away from his 10th birthday. Mum and dad found that first Christmas without him absolutely heartbreaking and they'd go off and have a good cry and come back with smiles on, determined to make it happy for my sister and for me. Now at one point they actually did say to each other, how can Christmas ever be the same again?

Well, I mean, I've never been there, Sasha, but I imagine they were thinking that. I really can't blame them. But however, at one o'clock lunchtime, the very next Christmas day, my little sister was born. Christmas became magical once more. So happy birthday, Anna. You brought smiles and happiness back to our family. Sasha, that's lovely and a very very happy Christmas to you and the whole of your family, including your precious little sister Anna.

I think it's a really good point to make, isn't it? Because of course Christmas for so many people must carry with it really awful memories of people dying. It's just a fact, isn't it? Yeah, well it's all about memories, isn't it, Christmas? Yeah, and it must be hard when the world is, you know, rocking along to Slade and every little thing will jog your memory about a sad time. So yeah, we hear you. It's just worth saying I don't wish it was Christmas every day. Is that Slade? No, yeah, so we wish wish it was Christmas every day. Is that slayed? No, yes, I wish it would be Christmas every day. Yes, that is slayed.

Well, it's mud. Can you just check? And the bone starts singing. That's mud. It's slayed. It's wizard. So the slayed one is? Merry Christmas, everyone.

Yeah. Right, which song are you most fed up of hearing this year? Do you know, I don't think I've... What I haven't actually, you've just reminded me, I haven't sung in the big midwinter, which is my favourite carol. Okay. I've been to carol services, but that hasn't been included. I don't know why.

I hope it hasn't fallen out of fashion. I really like that one. Gosh, I think it's not a carol service until you do. Oh yeah, no, I really like that. And my favorite Christmas song is Greg Lake, I believe in Father Christmas. And I don't think I've heard that at all. Oh, I've heard that a lot.

Oh have you? This is the first year I've got properly fed up with Fairy Tale of New York. I just fed up with, I don't know why, I've peaked on that one. Oh have you? Okay, I do love that and I continue to like it. No, it's just a solid Coldplay in my house.

It's a solid Coldplay. Yeah, solid Coldplay. And those wonderful upper arms. Excuse the rather crude subject. Have you got this one back in the room? Yes. Well, no, I don't. I don't know what it is. What? Well, it's from anonymous.

Excuse the rather crude subject heading and matter, but catching up with some missed episodes and I felt I needed to share. Christmas Day baby making. Our daughter was conceived on Christmas Day. In order to increase our chances we had to make the most of the conception window. Oh, that's lovely, isn't it? Just the term Conception window, which happened to fall around Christmas Day. After a morning bucks, fizz or three, I had to excuse myself from the kitchen while peeling sprouts alongside my mother, whisk my husband upstairs to my childhood bedroom and this is where I went down and do the baby making business accompanied by the dulcet sounds of King's College Chapel choir coming from the floorboards in the kitchen below. It was all over rather quickly. I'm sorry to hear that, but efficient in the circumstances.

And I got back downstairs to find there were still some sprouts left to peel. We actually shared this recently with both our daughter and our mother. Oh my gosh. I'm not sure who was more horrified. Needless to say, Anonymous says they can guarantee there'll be no such excitement on Christmas Day this year. We're far too old and boring. I'm about to go into the last week of my teaching career after 30 years. I've decided that in midlife I'm going to give a different career a go and I'm heading into the NHS to work with mental health services for children.

Wish me luck, I'm petrified. Well, good luck, but what a fantastic thing to do. How fantastic, yes, absolutely. You are much, much needed. You are. I think that's a topic for further discussion. I think we've glanced on it before, haven't we? The conception thingies, stories and whether or not you ever do share them with your children. I think

it's brave to go multi-generational there. Yes it is. With both the parents and the kids. And I think what we need to know as well is what's your daughter's name? Is it a Christmas theme? Is it connected to sprouts? Eve. Why are you calling Eve? Is it Christmas Eve? Why are you called Eve? Is it Christmas Eve? No, let's not. Look, I'm a big fan of speed and efficiency. I am surprised that there were still sprouts left to be peeled.

I'm not surprised. You know, if you buy them and they're still attached to the great big stalk, you've got to saw them off. And then you've got to chop them, and then you've got to cross them. This one comes in from Helen who says, you are my daily morning companions on the commute to work without fail. I arrive having laughed out loud at least once. Knickknacks for dickheads was a particular favourite this year. I'm still using that so often Helen. It was the most fantastic

observation. It was, it's the innovations catalogue isn't it? Nicknacks for dickheads was what somebody's dad had rechristened it as being. Now Helen goes on to tell us a fantastic Christmas story brought to mind when we asked for emails about Christmas Day, her favourite Christmas moments with her children now both into their adolescence. My son was very proud to be named as one of the kings in his nursery production of The Nativity, which also included a T-Rex on a balance bike in a modern retelling of the tale. He proudly announced, it's not needed is it, he proudly announced that he didn't know if he would be Caspar Barr, Milky Barr or Barbara. I've never been able to think of Caspar, Melchior and Balthazar in the same way.

My daughter topped him though when at three we attended the family service at the local church on Christmas morning, led by the world's most miserable vicar. He's sharing himself around, isn't he? I know who he is. Does everyone know one? She was proud to have learned the words to a way in a manger and to have been performing this throughout the Christmas season. I could see it was on the hymn sheet so settled in as the time neared she decided she needed to go to the loo, the toilets being a good two-minute walk out of the church in the local church hall. My husband was dispatched and I accepted that she would miss her top tune. Just as the church entered a period of silence for the prayers, led by said solemn

cleric, the door to the church banged open, kicked by my daughter like something from Die Hard. She announced loudly, I don't want to poo. I want to sing away in a manger. That sentiment I think we can all share. Helen, they're both lovely stories. Fantastic. Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas to you. It's Christmas Day. Oh, you're so harsh. Anonymous, and let's just bring this in because it is Christmas Day. Can you imagine how lonely it is, I do apologise, can you imagine how lonely it is if you are almost the only member of your family who believes in a divine Christ? I smile at the jokes, I join in with the fun and games, I notice though that the true subject of the season is never mentioned in my hearing. I go alone to my local church, eight o'clock in the morning is best, no presents or children. Then I'm home to the cacophony. Someone may say, how was the service?

But that's all. I give a polite answer, but truly I want to scream. Well to that listener, I hope the service was good and I hope you do honestly have a very happy Christmas because for all our mockery we do appreciate, we both appreciate that for many people this is a very very happy day, a joyous day indeed and one that you want to celebrate very sincerely so we get it. Well done, covered all faith bases there. Yes. Right, shall we do our presents?

Jane and I have bought presents for each other this is one of those terrible moments where well I'm hoping that you haven't bought something serious for me because mine isn't entirely serious so don't embarrass me by having been generous. FAT CHANCE! Right so here is the card. Here's the sound, the unmistakable sound of rustling of parcels. So there's not an awful lot of unwrapping to be done here because yours is in a handy bag to carry home.

There is a card in there as well. Oh lovely. Is this LuRoll? Yes. Bloody healthy. But it's special. It's Christmas crap. Who gives a crap? Yeah. Oh no, actually, I know this sounds absurd. I have always wanted this. Have you? Yes. I have.

It's very kind of you to say that. V's got me loo roll for Christmas. Not just one roll, not two rolls, three rolls. I tell you, I've always said this about you. Vy's not mean. No, she really is not. Oh. How about that? Oh. There he is, in his splendor.

Oh, that is superb, Jane. I genuinely will put that up in my list. I know, I know you will. Jane has got me a Rod Stewart calendar. Give me a moment, because obviously- You're gonna pick your favorite month? We've got me a Rod Stewart calendar. Give me a moment because obviously... You're going to pick your favourite month? We've got all of the favourites there. Oh my word.

So you know when you have to do that capture in order to get through to something on the internet to persuade the person that you are authenticated? Well in this Rod Stewart thing, you could do leopard skin, couldn't you? Because you could take out... Look, one, two, three, four. That is a perfect capture. What I love about, obviously this is the calendar. Oh, I'm July. So July, Rod is wearing what can only be described as a kind of schoolboy outfit.

I can't tell you that's my favourite. I think that's not a schoolboy outfit, it's a kind of boating. It's his summer outfit. I just love him. That is terrific. That is going to give me months and months and months of joy. Whereas unless you get your constipation back, I'm afraid my present to you will only be giving you moments. Can I literally wish nobody constipation in 2025? Yes! Okay Eve! Right, Eve wants us to go. Right, that's a very good card, thank you very much. It's Christmas bingo.

Hiding in the bathroom, last minute gift wrapping ham, cranberry sauce in the shape of a can, parents asking you to fix a computer. My parents wouldn't ask me to do that. Weird uncle showed up, mercifully he lives abroad so that won't be happening. Anyway, look, I wish you all the very, very best. Seriously, should we have a serious bit at the end? Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, we really appreciate your, just your company on offer and let's just hope that carries on throughout the next year as well.

Yeah, let's absolutely hope that. So have a very good rest of your Christmas day and if it's a been, if it's been a little bit disappointing in places just know that everybody's has really. Oh god yes. Yeah so let's just settle down into the deep-seated sofa of mediocrity and we'll rejoin you. But enough about New Year's Eve. In 2025, happy Christmas. Yeah, happy Christmas. Congratulations, you've staggered somehow to the end of another Off Air with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do do it live, every day,

Monday to Thursday, 2 till 4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale, and if you listen to this you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online on DAB or on the free Times Radio app. Off Air is produced by Eve Salisbury and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler.