Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Best of 2024: Live

Episode Date: December 30, 2024

We couldn’t forget we released a whole live tour’s worth of episodes this year, could we? Here are our favourite clips for first time taking our meals on wheels. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Benito, James Acaster here. I forgot to record an advert for my new special, Hector's Welcome, which is going to be on Sky, Now TV and HBO Max. It's on all of those right now. I'm very proud of it. Can you put this at the beginning of the next episode so that people know the special is out please because I'd like them to know. Okay, I hope you're having a good day, but until then, bye. Well, weren't expecting to see us, were you? Ha ha, yabba dabba doo!

We couldn't do the best of episodes and not include any of the 15 live episodes we put out this year. We took off Menyawantour in 2023 and released all of the episodes for you to hear this year. The shows were, largely, absolute chaos. Congratulations on those live shares. Congratulations on the live shares to yourself. They really were live shares It's the end of the year guys some guests were absolutely at it right from the get-go Let's hear from Frankie Boyle Jamelia Amelia de Moldenburg and Sam Campbell

Are you a foodie, Frankie? Do you like food? I love food and I think about little else but food. But I wouldn't really call myself a foodie, because I think to be a foodie you have to enjoy finer delicacies. I have quite plain tastes. You know, I can't eat something like oysters, which is basically just like you can come off the back of a tortoise. You know, somehow that doesn't put me off oysters. So I went to a really fancy restaurant.

If I went to like Noma in Copenhagen, like they're doing wild stuff and they brought me out a tortoise and they went, there's a cup on the back of that. I'd go, yeah, give it a go. You'd be like, there will be soon. I don't know why we've gone so low or so early. And I say we. Is it the tortoise has come or has another animal... Taste it and see, Ginny. Very impressive the tortoise could come on their own back.

It's also the texture of an oyster, isn't it? Unless your favourite texture is a corpse's clitoris. But there are other foods I like. What a way to find out that's my favourite texture. That's probably the best way to find that out. We always start with still a sparkling water. Still a sparkling water, thank you. What, you're going to compare these? Are we really moving straight into still and sparkling water?

Are you now just terrified and you're going to huckle me off? Huckle means to move somewhere. I do actually need to be told this. I've no idea of that. I've never heard of that thing. There's sort of like, there are some Scottish expressions that aren't any real translation for it. Like, so it's someone being at it. Do you know what I mean?

You can't really explain to an English person what that is without, like, Captain Tom's family are at it. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE No idea. Obviously, no Captain Thomas. Yeah, but you know his family are at it, right?

Never knew his family were at it. Yeah. If they were on now, we'd huckle them off for sure. What are you doing, James? Huh? What are you doing? Yeah, sorry. Thank you. We do not want James here. are you doing? Thank you.

We do not want James here. We need the genie here. Everyone imagine. Imagine you're rubbing it. Welcome Jamelia to the Dream Restaurant.bins when you've got some time. Thank you. That's a big entrance to follow up. It was a bit rubbish for me because I could see him crouching down. Sorry. That didn't happen.

That never happened. Jamelia is lying. We've got a lion on the pod. It's a real shame. That would be a terrible genie. If you got a lamp and you opened it up and you could see him just in there like that, that would be less magical, wouldn't it? That's quite demeaning for the poor genie, actually.

That's why you should rub it first. Jamila just did a face that suggested, what sort of podcast have I come on? The best podcast in the nation. Yeah. One off. Sorry. We got slam-el-ed. We got jam-slammed. Early doors.'t know we were jamming and slamming tonight. Don't you apologise, Jamelia. That is the perfect response for that. Yeah, you got us, man.

What are the other good podcasts? You got any favourites? I mean, we don't normally do shout outs to the podcast. The only podcast I listen to is the Off Menu podcast. Yeah. And judging by the chat we had before you came out here, you listened to it for the first time in the car on the way in. No, I said I was like doing research, I wanted to make sure, because you usually have comedians on so I was like, oh, what could be a funny answer to that?

But now I'm just going to answer, honestly. You don't need to think of a funny answer. You've come straight out here and slammed us into hell. You've got this, Jamilia. Also, you're a fan of our work in general, aren't you, Jamilia? You saw us on TV. You were saying to us backstage, and then you said, actually, no, I'll save it for when we're on stage.

But you weren't going to compliment us, I think? I feel like we're starting stage. But you weren't going to compliment us, I think? LAUGHTER I feel like we're starting off on the wrong foot now. So basically what I told them in the dressing room was that I watched them on Hunted and I was very annoyed. LAUGHTER Because they weren't playing the game properly. They were messing about.

That was Jamelia's first words to us. I saw you on Celebrity Hunter and we were like, here we go. She went, I actually found you quite annoying. I really did. But I was really excited when I got asked to do this. I was like, oh, okay. That should be fun. Because you are funny and I like to laugh. So I'm like, shall I go home? Oh my God. What was it on, sorry to dwell on this,

what was it that we did on Celebrity Hunter that you found particularly annoying? We tried our best on that. I just don't think you did. You just kept doing silly things, like letting everyone see where you were, telling people where you were. You're supposed to be hiding, it's like a hideand-seek but you were like we're here the last thing they'll expect yeah they're trying to catch you if you keep saying here we are we're here and showing them your face they're gonna go it can't be that easy and they leave you alone that was our thinking yeah and then you shot them with whee? No, no, I shot them with water, but I told them it was piss.

Oh, OK. More mind games, Jamelia. You've got to do this when you're on the run. OK. And what we found is the best way to live your life is to anger ex-cops and military men by telling them that you're spraying them with piss. Because then they really rough you up quite a lot.

So you don't even get the pleasure of actually shooting them with piss and you still get beaten up yeah they didn't like us at all when we did that to them to be fair but in general I thought we did really well on hunted okay we were in Birmingham for hunted yeah straight we came straight straight here. Yes, because I remember I recognised where you were. Yeah. I was like, I own that town. Because you were in town. Yeah.

Yeah, maybe that's not good if people don't recognise where we are. Hearing that out loud, we came and we instantly got Tiger Bites Pig Balbuns when we came here on the run. That was our first, well, that wasn't our first food on the run. We immediately went to a Michelin-starred restaurant and had a meal. That was in Shrewsbury. We did quite a lot before Tiger Bucks Day.

Yes. Again, we're not there now. And then we went to Birmingham. You threw your shoes out the window on the way there. I had to give you a piggyback through some of Birmingham streets because it was covered in glass and needles. Was that Broad Street? Yeah. Yeah. And then James bought a wig, bright pink wig. Yeah.

Yeah, which bear in mind, Jamilia, I don't normally have bright pink hair. Can you see why I was annoyed? What would you do if you were on the run and you were being hunted? What would be your first course of action, you reckon? Well, obviously, I wouldn't use any cards, I wouldn't use my social media, I wouldn't turn up at a famous restaurant. Sorry, I'm not shading you, but I just wouldn't do everything that you guys did. So we served a purpose, in a way for... Yeah I guess so.

Yeah. You're foodie? Are you a foodie? Is this going well or really bad? I'm not sure. Every time you say anything everyone pisses themselves laughing so I think it's going well and it's at our expense as well. So from our perspective we feel like shit but you're really bringing it. I'm loving it Jamina, this is how most people treat me all the time. It feels great. I'm sorry, because I'm really excited to be here, Jimmy. We're very excited to have you here.

Yes, we are very excited. Especially with this backdrop, it's wicked. The set's mad, isn't it? It feels... unnecessary. Once we sat down to have a chat with you, it just, yeah, it does not feel necessary at all does it? What was the vibe that you told the designers? Yeah, I should hear she comes again.

Slam jam, baby. Slam jam. We basically said just do as many fart clouds as possible. It's about food. There's a poppadom behind, there's a poppadom there. Yeah, were you wondering what that was? About half the audience went, oh. I did think it was, sorry. I thought it was the moon, but okay. I think it's the moon, Matt. You guys know that that's a lamp, right? Because I had a whole thing with that a minute ago, and that's embarrassing if not.

You a foodie, Jamelia? I really am, like in every way. Like, yeah, scarily soarily so no not scarily so everybody likes food don't they? Yeah these people do for sure. Well you definitely do come to a podcast about food like come on you're here yeah I'm sorry sorry No good on you. Hey listen if you do get scared of food, you're in the wrong show, mubba bubba. I feel like I'm being really rude. I'm not a rude person at all. No, you're not.

But anyway. I know you didn't catch the entire first half, but I called one man a cunt three times. Oh no. You're not being rude. Okay. You're right. You're right. You're the height of manners compared to what they had to tolerate at the start of the evening.

And you're right, these people love food. For example, there's a woman over there who regularly drinks soy sauce. Drinks? Yep. Swinks it out of the bottle while she's cooking to trick herself into thinking it's normal. It's not. into thinking it's normal. It's not. You just got slumiliad. Jam slammed. I commissioned this TV show. Yeah.

There's an audience with Jamiliad, but she just slams everyone. And then looks really guilty about it immediately afterwards. Yeah. Yeah. Who's got a funny quirk? I drink soy sauce. I think it's normal. It's not. Yeah. Who's got a funny quirk? I drink soy sauce. I think it's normal. It's not. Applause. I'm so sorry.

I feel awful. I slam me... I don't like slammy people. I'm trying to stop slamming people. Do you cook as well, Jamelia? I love cooking. I recently got to the final, well, final five. But it's still the final of MasterChef. I saw it.

I will mention that a few times. That's fine. I watch it. I actually found it quite annoying on that. Me too. Now, this seems like a bit of a redundant question because obviously you work with food, but are you a foodie? What because oh well... Well we always ask people if they're foodies but I feel like it's rude when someone does like chicken shop dates and then one's saying are you a foodie? Well it does make sense

you know having a dating show in a chicken shop that I would be a really really big foodie. And you did a cooking show as well right? Oh yeah I did a cooking show yeah but I can't cook. I'm not foodie sorry. Hey don't say sorry, this is great. We've had loads of non-foodies on the podcast. Yeah, I'm not foodie. I eat. I've eaten food, but... Not foodie.

How often? Like three times a day. What about you? Yeah, three times a day. Yeah, yeah, cool. Yeah, yeah. Six, seven. Oh, whoa.

Crazy. He's pretty crazy. Crazy guy. Yeah, I'm a crazy guy. I've got a real problem. When you met Ed, did you think he was crazy? Yeah. That guy is crazy.

Cool tattoos. Thank you very much, Amelia. Okay. Would you like me to take you through them? No. Okay. Absolutely. Fair enough.

Yeah. If you had to get an item of food tattooed on you. No, I don't want to. I'm tattooless. If you had to. No. No? No.

If you just for the sake of info. No. You? Big tub of ice cream probably. Oh dear. Big tub of ice cream probably. Oh dear. Yeah, I have a big tub of ice cream. Where? On your...

On just a full body tap on my... Your body... Waist to... Oh, okay. Just here. So you wouldn't be able to see it if I was wearing a top. Okay. Maybe a surprise.

Wow. Do you have a girlfriend right now? I did have going into this podcast. Yes. Yeah, I was going going into this podcast. Yes. Yeah, I was going to say, not for long. But I've seen her make fun of her accent many times on stage and just suddenly get a full body tap of a cup of ice cream. What flavour would you get? I guess I would maybe just want the ice cream tub to say my name on it.

Okay. In case you forget your name. Just James A. Kester on the cup of ice cream, yeah. Tasty. Yeah. What are you on about? Well, I want it to be personalised, so I think I would have it like it's a big cup of ice cream and there's a spoon in it and stuff. With a spoon in it?

There's a spoon, like the lid's off. It's dangerous. The lid's off, there's a spoon coming out, probably ends up my armpit, the spoon coming out of the thing. And then it's like a Ben and Jerry's. But instead of Ben and Jerry's, it's got flavor. It just says James A. Castor. Nice.

Is that the flavor as well? Does it just say James? I feel like we're going too far into detail here with this, Amelia. No, I don't think we are. I think we should carry on. Is there a flavor on it? Or instead of Ben and Jerry's, does it say James A. Castor?

No, it tastes like James. It tastes like? Yes. Oh, so do you think James has put James A. Cast flavor on it or instead of Ben and Jerry's does it say James A. Castor? No, it tastes like James. It tastes like yes. Oh, so you think James has put James A. Castor on it So when people lick his body, it's like they're eating an ice cream that there's a flavor of him. Yes. Okay, James. Yes Without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Sam Campbell! Welcome Sam. Thanks so much. Can I just say, on behalf of all of us, on behalf of the City of Nottingham and on behalf of the entire Midlands region, thank you so much for a delicious and spellbinding evening. Take a seat please, Sam.

Sorry, can I just say, I mean, this means a lot to me. I've been a casualty of the loneliness epidemic. I've faced a lot of obstacles, you know. I'll tell you what, the man upstairs really knows how to throw a curveball. But I was never truly alone because every Wednesday my body is filled with a warmth that enters through my ears in the form of the most amazing podcast. I've been to so many places with so many incredible people. I've smiled with excitement as Scroobius Pip describes his crazy pizza. I've trembled with delight as as Claudia Winkleman describes her most perfect tuna melt. I've gasped as the magician dynamo talks about his corned beef hash.

I was never alone because I was with you guys. You've gotten me through so many storms. Thank you Sam. Thank you Sam. Now just like the regular episodes, the live shows were full of great foodie chat and some not so delicious descriptions of food. Here's Ellis James, John Robbins, Susan McComber, Ian Sterling, Amelia de Moldenburg, Frankie Boyle and Joe Wilkinson. I think the enthusiasm can occasionally be quite irritating because I remember in the first couple

of weeks of lockdown Izzy was she was down, she was anxious, she was pissed I remember in the first couple of weeks of lockdown Izzy was, she was down, she was anxious, she was pissed off, especially in the morning. His wife. And after about... Yeah. After about 14 days, I thought, I need to broach this. I was like, what is it? Is it what's happening to our careers? Is it the fact there's a global pandemic and we don't know what's causing this thing? And she went, no, no, it's not that. It's when you eat Weetabix,

you don't realise you do it, do you? And I said, what do you mean? She went, you don't know you do this thing. And I said, what? She went, when you eat Weetabix with every fucking mouthful, you say, mmm yeah. The fact that it's fucking Weetabix as well. So it's like, mmm yeah. What do you have on your Weetabix? Plain. Plain.

Just with milk. What do you have on your Weetabix? Plain. Plain. Just with milk. So I'm trying to cut down on sugar. But I really I've switched over to porridge now. And what do you say when you're eating porridge? Yabba-dabba-doo. No, but sometimes at night I will think to myself less than eight hours to go. Then it's porridge time. I bloody love it. She used to say as well, when you pour squash into a pint glass, you sort of go...

because you can't wait. And you don't seem to be bothered by this pandemic, but I am, because for you it's just more Weetabits and squash time. The little detail in that story that after two weeks you asked your wife what was wrong. Alright what is it? The global pandemic is it I suppose? Because I just thought he was general worry about the pandemic, but he was a very specific thing. And then... You're still not understanding what I'm saying.

I'm saying it's mad to leave it two weeks before you check to see if your partner's okay and what's wrong with it. You go, no, you don't understand. I thought it was general worry. So I left it unchecked. Yeah, we were talking about general worries a lot. But that wasn't the headline the headline act Was me going? Yeah, every time I hate we tabics

But the fact is if you've said mmm, yeah every time you have a mouth for us we tabics for as long as you've lived It's it's a really hard habit to get out so for as long as you've lived. It's it's a really hard habit to get out of for as long as you've lived Were you aware that you did it before it was pointed out to you? No, so then next morning having had the chat I've got the spoon. I was fucking trembling. I was like Can't say it man. You can't say it. She's gonna lose her fucking mind if you say it No matter how much you're enjoying this Weetabixix you've got to pretend. It's a normal cereal man She is on the edge So then I have a mouthful I'd be like, oh

Pretend it's a normal cereal Not a fancy tasty one like with a Bix Pretend this is just a normal boring cereal. Just a normal boring cereal, and I like them all. But Weetabix, at the time... Is that at the top for you, Weetabix, cereal wise? No, I would say historically Special K. What?

How do you think I'm Bikini Beach body ready, Ed? It's just bowl after bowl of Special K. And I mean a long time ago, Coco Pops. But Coco Pops, sugar's had a bad press over the last sort of 60 years, so I've kind of, I've tried to quite radically change the way I eat over the last... But you had a lot of Coco Pops back in the day. Back in the... Oh. I mean up to about Up to about the sort of end of Brit pop Coco Brit pops

I'm just having a really good time. It's like we're on T4. LAUGHTER Would you ever have bran flakes with Baileys? A big fun of bran flicks. Yeah, of course. With Baileys. Yeah, yeah, someone here. That's what the dream meal is. No, I used to eat, over the summer holidays, bran flakes, Weetabix, Old bran and coca pops in the same bowl. All in the same bowl? Did you have a name for that cereal?

Yeah, cereal time. All bran, wheater bicks, and bran flakes, did you say? And coca pops. Oh, coca pops, so that's like the fun. I used to do it with my cousin. And then... Good to know what clips we're going to get out for the trailer of this episode. I thought a lot about my choices and I've realised how much the way I eat has changed. Because I don't want to...

It's no disrespect to my mother, but we used to have the same meal on every night. There was a rota, like a seven-day rota. I remember this. I remember you had a routine about it. Yes. And if you are going to list the foods that you had, then I would like you to do it in the way that you did it in the routine years ago, which was you did it like a top of the pops rundown. Yes. Yes, I've forgotten about that. Monday night chicken tonight. Yeah, but that's not how you did it, is it?

You went... ... ... That's what you did it. I feel like chicken tonight? Well, were you lucky because you're having it tonight? It's Monday night and it's always chicken tonight. Yeah, Thursday night was pizza because my mother had aerobics. So, you needed something quick. Friday night, obviously fish. Yeah, Thursday night was pizza because my mother had aerobics

So he needed something quick Friday night, obviously fish and so that when I went to university I was I was exposed to new tastes Take us. What was the first new taste you were exposed to at university? black pepper Wow Where were you going to university? Delhi? This is incredible. I lived with a girl called Caroline who'd been privately educated. She was a really good cook.

She liked to cook. And I lived with her, a lovely girl. I lived with her in the second and third year and her boyfriend Chris. And she used to love to cook. She introduced me to risotto, that was great. She also introduced me to coriander. Wow. Yeah. She made a carrot and coriander soup, and I was so overwhelmed by it,

that at the end of the bowl I kissed her on the cheek and said thank you. What the fuck was that? She was like, it's carrot and coriander soup that is. And I was like, well, now I'm going to eat it every day for the rest of my life. Well, the next one, I think I'm going to... There's the cheese course, which is just very quick. Cheese course. No, no, no.

He doesn't mind the cheese course. This is good news. It's good news. The cheese course is good news. That means that the dessert is a proper dessert and we're not skipping it. If anything, I'm pro cheese course. And I once kissed a girl there. So the cheese course is very simply The Cheese, which is a cheese...

It was known as, in my family, known as The Cheese. And my stepdad, whenever he went down to Somerset, because he loved Somerset, so he'd go down to Somerset, quite a lot of work down there. He would bring back the cheese, which is a big wheel of cheddar in black wax from a company. It's the Maryland Farm mature cheddar cheese. And anyone who tasted this cheese said, you've got to sort me out with some of this cheese. This is insane. I thought I knew cheddar. Yeah. Everyone would say this right? Honestly. Word for word everyone would say this.

Everyone would say word for word. I thought I knew cheddar. Yeah. And then they'd leave it there? They'd say I thought I knew cheddar until I tasted the cheese. So then... LAUGHTER Wipe that on a T-shirt. LAUGHTER Then when the next time my stepdad went down to Somerset, I'd have to say, can you sort my friend Sam's mum out with some of your cheese? LAUGHTER

Awful sentence out of context. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER So he'd be like, well, I don't know what it's like 15 quid for an enormous four kilos of cheese. And he'd say, well, yeah, well, yeah, they can pay me back or whatever. I'll bring it up. Before you know it, he's bringing back quite a lot of cheese from Somerset into Avon and

North Somerset. Across the border. Well, yeah. It becomes a county lines drug operation. But, I mean, I'm not kidding. He would come back with like four wheels of this cheese. One for me, one for my friend Sam, one for my friend Sam's mum, one for, you know, someone else.

Fucking Sam can't share one with his mum. What's going on? But once you start... Were they a broken home as well? No. Once you start eating this cheese, you just eat a whole wheel of cheese. It's mad, it's mad. And I would go around, I'd go from mine where we'd be eating the cheese, I'd go around to Sam's house, they'd be sat in their kitchen just cutting off slices of cheese, eating this cheese. It's so creamy, it's so tangy. Do people not usually talk this long about their choices?

They do. No, Joe, what? I love it. I want to try the cheese. To be fair, you're doing absolutely nothing wrong if this was a studio recorded episode. It's said on the thing, an hour and a half. Really? Yeah. Well then, you were in the right and I don't know how I'm getting back to London today. Do you want anything with the cheese?

Taxi for James. My drink of choice is a Craig David. Okay. Is a Craig David Okay Now again, I don't think you're using that phrase, right Is a UK garbage thing Yeah, there's a drink called a, who knows what a Craig David is? Go root. It's a real drink. Right so what is it? Was it the same guy who taught you that one? No this was me. This is my favorite late night drink. You take Robinson's orange squad and you top

it up with cold water. He's making Craig Davids down there! I'm trying to get to sleep! Mama, I'm making a Craig David! Make me a Craig David while you're making them actually! I'm making a Craig David, you make me one! Talk-a-fart-a-j drink on Tuesday So the Craig David tell me what's the flavor He did it, he did it. Amazing.

Best of the best. What would you deep fry? Which chocolate bar are you deep frying? Out of any chocolate bar? Oh, it's a question for me. Thank you, Ed. I'll move on to Ian. Don't worry.

I'm giving him time. I guess if I was to fry any chocolate bar... Oh my God. Asking him first. This is really hard. If you want for structural integrity. I've seen them all fried. What do you mean you've seen them all fried? Pretty much I've seen them all fried. When have you seen them all fried? Well, like you've been in Edinburgh long enough, you've seen enough people ordering because like tourists do it and then you think, oh I'm not going to do that, it's for tourists, and then you get

drunk and you've got a Twix in your hand. Can you demonstrate a tourist asking for a Twix? Good evening to you. Hang on. Wait, so the voice bro. Hey my great-grandpa Visited these fair eyes many moons ago and he always wanted a nice piece of chips Piece of what's of chips piece of chips with a deep fried twix He was working out those ways

So, can I please young man sir have my twix defrat? No pun intended. Momma. Happy Bites. So Twix for you. Yep, one thing worse than a round of applause is someone trying and three someone trying. And 3,000 people going, absolutely not, no. I just wanted to hear more from the characters. Not today. Best for structural integrity, Double Decker. Yeah. Honestly, once it's been fried, you bite into it, it's like nothing happens to it.

Oh, yes, please. It's just in there like, and what? I'm not sure that's it. Orderless one of them. Orderless Deep Fried Double Decker. That's what I there like and what? I'm not sure that's it. Order us one of them. Order us deep-fried double decker. That's what I want. I don't want no deep-fried Mars bar. See the Mars bars are inside like, yeah. If that's gonna scorch my mouth, that's not what my great-grandpappy died for. I'd rather have a deep-fried double decker please. Double decker, snickers, I think we'll all agree.

Cream egg? Cream eggs, but again, I mean that is a daredevil spore. I'd rather skydive than eat my own. I love that like when you had gazpacho you didn't know it was meant to be cold, but you are a connoisseur when it comes to deep fried chocolate. Throwing out chums like structural integrity. Every single chocolate, you throw any chocolate bar in. Well, you're playing with fire then.

Top 15! Huh? Top 15. Top 15 deep fried chocolates for me and Stalin. This audience just heads up they love top 15 yeah they love top 15 it's from about 14 to 2 it's really gonna feel like they don't love it but they're with you I mean it's up to you if you want to and considering how they're on I forgot the word for wet wipe I think 15 chocolate bars is a

stretch yeah this cream egg would be 15 worst bottom bounty 14 okay we're doing it you can't you can't not do it now you can't go into 14 and then not finish it well Maltesers would be fun but 13 they would be fun it's one of those fun ideas they would dissolve in the fat wouldn't they if you think about it yeah you need a thick batter yeah it would just be more batter than anything else the 13 12 milky butt yeah that's too soft that's that's you're not getting any of the yeah you're right there's a lull in there yeah but I'm saying you gotta hold strong because what they're actually doing is they are fascinated into silence they're fascinated they're compiling their top

15s in their head I've never been anywhere before where top 15s is even a thing. Yeah. Why not a top 10? But in Glasgow, they're obsessed with top 15s, not top 5s or top 10s like most people. Top 15s. It's got to be top 15s. Yeah. Top 15s. Where am I? You've done four.

You've done... Twelve. Eleven, dairy milk. Ten, fruit and nut. Okay. Well that's interesting because you said the nuts... That has caused... The nuts in Snickers help with structural integrity.

That's why it's above. The fruit and nut, what's that at now? What number is that? The fruit and nut's ten above the dairy milk because it's got no structural integrity. Fruit and nut's ten. Yeah, but that's quite low down for something with nuts which as we know provides structural integrity. But we're nowhere near the Nougat based snacks, yeah. Yeah. Well, can I say as well... Well, mate, what's a Milky Way? We're commenting a lot on audience

reaction but I would happily have this conversation to silence and carry on because it's so up my street. Yeah Do you know that we're in the top ten now, you're in we're in we're in this is great so number nine Oh my god, I'm a dying bar that would be a sip once it was finished Fucking you you look man you put your head in the dragon's mouth. You took your life into your own hands there. We can't do anything for you. What did you think a dime bar

would be? It would be a soup with just some caramel croutons. But that's rock hard in the middle. You talk about structural integrity, that is like a fucking iron bar. That is incredible. Iron brew bar number nine. That is not chocolate Ian it's whatever you want it's not legal is it so give me what you eat chocolate orange who said that right we might have a spoiler for the top five

chocolate fried chocolate orange yeah just act like a viking you're not going individual segments battered you're doing the whole thing I dip my hand in like that fingers fried worth it yeah worth it I might lose a hand yeah but it's in the name of science yeah good on you man you're your mate from the edamame beans eating a chocolate orange with the foil still on So, where are we in the list seven nine seven now seven star bar Seven that was that was suggested that I was always gonna be seven I like how as we get closer to the top five and we're running out of things, you're shouting out more because you're so anxious

that your favorites isn't going to be in the list. Yeah. Please! Six, Bounty. Oh, I thought Bounty was... Ian. Bounty, but the Celebrations Bounty, which tastes better than bounty

Interesting man, I've never been so glad to have done a top 15 in my life This is controversial stuff. This might genuinely be the most stressed on stage. I've ever been in my life. Yeah. Yeah, man five boost Boost number five. What is interesting about this top 15, and I've seen a lot of top 15s, is you're running through the list as if you've got it pre-planned in your head. I've got a top three. Hang on, every time you say a number, the first thing that someone else shouts, that's what you say.

Number five, boost, boost. That's not true. Number four. What he said. Oh my God. There should be a law passed that that can only be said in a Scott Jackson. That was... I got a boner when I heard that. That was incredible. Absolutely. A curly-wurly boner at that. Amazing.

Yeah. I've never heard that said in a Scottish house before. Never. It was incredible. Curly-wurly. It was, the way he said it, I imagined his eyes literally rolling around in his head. It was... Perfect. It was... It was... It's perfect. It's like he just woke up. Yeah. You know what, there's a chocolate bar that I

can't believe hasn't been said yet and if it isn't said... This is why that's what I was hoping would be brought up. The Kit Kat Chunky. The Kit Kat Chunky? Well, we've got a spoiler alert. Uh oh. Okay, four. Oh, there we go. Now is it a spoiler alert Ian, or have you just remembered? Curly Wurly. Three Twicks, two Snickers, one Kit Kat Chunky. Whoa, what happened? What happened to the double decker? No double decker. No double decker mentioned. No Mars. Mars didn't even make the top 15. Yeah. You said we haven't even got to the Nougat base bars yet. None of them made it into the top 10 named your best one before that so well at

least he's got his number one locked in yeah chocolate orange never came up again either yeah spoiler for the top five shouldn't have thought so forgot about it as soon as somebody shouted out curly whirly I've never been made to feel a fool about a thing that's not known a thing that's not a thing. Yeah. Your dream side dish, Amelia? Oh, my dream side dish is chicken nuggets. You seem so tired of having to say that.

No, no, because I thought it was a bit obvious, but it is my side dish. It genuinely is. Yeah, just for not no reason in particular But you do genuinely love it I love chicken nuggets yeah, I love chicken nuggets I eat them all the time on chicken shop day off chicken shop day. I don't really like chicken on the bone me neither Yeah, you guys need to fucking suck it up. I Just don't like the consistency. I think it's I love much prefer a boneless or a breast a nugget Situation don't like a leg don't like a thigh What else do you have?

wings wait no No, is it because is it a genuinely consistency thing or is it weird for you to have the bone in there because then you think of it being an animal? Oh no, don't mind that. I don't like this, it's a bit slimy. I mean, what about boneless thighs? I think that's probably the best cut. The thighs are the best.

Aren't all thighs boned? Is there a bone in? Oh, yes. cut the thighs at thighs are the best. Aren't all thighs bone? Is there a bone in? Yeah. Just checking. Is there a bone in there? Yes. I'm suddenly very pro mansplaining.

If you didn't have a bone in your thigh when you get up at the end of the podcast you'd fall straight on the floor. Oh gosh. Yes, chicken nuggets. Chicken nuggets. From a particular place? Is it a Mackey Dee's chicken nugget? I think Morley's has the best chicken nuggets. Um, woo!

And also McDonald's do have really good nuggets as well. How many nugs are you getting from McDonald's if you're going? Because you can get 24 nugs, can't you? Oh, I wouldn't get 24. I'd get six. Six nugs. But sometimes I get Happy Meal, so I get four. Yeah. So the ripple went across the crowd there.

Yeah, they weren't sure about that. Oh, really? Does four just come with the Happy Meal or...? I think four is a Happy Meal, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. How often are you getting a Happy Meal? Uh, I'll probably normally get a Happy Meal if I go to McDonald's.

Yeah. What are you going with? What are you going with? With, yeah. What are you going with? A toy? Oh, just keep them at home. Give it to Felix for his birthday.

In my toy drawer. Yeah. And a fruit shoot. So you get a fruit shoot in the Happy Meal. You can choose a fruit shoot, yeah. You can choose, okay. What else do you get? Chips.

I will just say this. I haven't had a Happy Meal since I was soup, yeah. You can choose... Okay. What else do you get in there? Chips. I will just say this, I haven't had a happy meal since I was seven, so... Oh, sucks to be you. Yeah, you know McDonald's apparently are the largest toy distributors in the world. Sorry, we should have explained Grimace is in the crowd tonight. Yes. Yes. Yes. That's someone who's recently told a friend that and been told they're full of shit. Yes, thank you.

I was actually thinking recently, like, what did, in these situations, like, when you say a fact and then your friend's like, no, that's not true, before people had Google and could, like, look on their phone, like, what happened? Do you think... We can actually tell you. Yeah. Sorry to say that we do remember those times. Oh yeah. It just meant that the whole night was one discussion. And you spent the whole night just going like, oh, because there was a thing.

What was the thing? You know the thing I'm talking about. And you were there, you were just all going insane collectively, and then you'd have to... It would go on for ages, it would go on beyond that one night. You'd see someone the next day, you'd go, do you know what Amelia said? That McDonald's are the biggest toy distributors in the world. And they'd go, I think I heard that somewhere. Like, did you? Where did you heard it? I can't remember now. And then you just never know yeah, and then eventually we got the internet And we could all just like when we originally got the internet all of us spent a week Just getting up to speed yeah

And imagine this like you'd have to go to the toilet and just go to the toilet Do you I don't Google on the toilet you don't go to the toilet now you're not on your phone on the toilet. Do you? I don't Google on the toilet. You don't Google on the toilet? No. You're not on your phone on the toilet? No. You're not on your phone? No. You're not YouTubeing? No. What are you doing? I'm just going on the toilet. Really? Yeah. I don't think... Really? So you're sat there on your phone? Watching YouTube on the toilet. Oh really? Yeah, like the other day I had to like consciously decide I'm gonna leave my phone in the living room. I'm gonna go for a shit.

And like it was like the first time I'd like had a shit for ages like I'd done a lot of shit but I hadn't had a shit. Yeah. Wow. I really felt like this was mine. You experienced it. Yeah. I was I really felt like this was mine. You experienced it. Yeah. Yeah.

I was present for it. Well, I need my phone on the toilet because every time me and Nish have a shit, we text each other about it. Which is really weird because they're back to back. We had to have a specially built toilet. What, do you text like, I'm having a shit? Yeah, like, oh, normally if Nish does a really bad one, depending where he is, say he was at the Manchester O2 Apollo, he'd text me and I'd know he'd had a shit, because he'd say, so sorry Manchester O2 Apollo.

That's like the code. Yes. I've had a shit. So your chat history is just, I've shit, shit, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had a shit, yeah. Cool. Two days ago, I rang Nish, and he answered by going,

gonna level with you, Jimmy? I'm having a shit, yeah. Two days ago, I rang Nish, and he answered by going, gonna level with you, Jimmy? I'm having a shit. I'm like, don't answer the phone, man. Just don't answer it. Just bring me back when you're not shitting. How's that for an idea? Main course, Frankie. Now, I was very torn here.

I love checking, and I think it has psychological roots, right? In that when you were a kid, like your dad always got the big bit of chicken, leg of chicken, right? And you got some fucking scraggie bits of chicken. And as a kid, I often lived up to that dream. It's rarely, I mean chicken, we all love it, I love to get it in a Vietnamese place in Glasgow, they do a caramelized ginger chicken that I really like. And I'm very tempted to see chicken or like a really good fried chicken or something like that but I want to be honest and say what my actual dream meal would be. I'd like to eat all of the icing off a wedding cake. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

CHEERING APPLAUSE LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Frankie Main course, main course Last night Last night we had Ian

fucking sterling on it. He chose a cheese board as his dessert. Oh God. I cried myself to sleep. You have no idea how good this feels right now. To hear that you want to eat all the ice and not have a wedding cake as your main course. Surely in Scotland if you ordered the cheese board they'd be blowing fucking dust off it before they handed it to you. Yeah, well that's what you get if you invite on a prick from Edinburgh! Your dream main course Joe. What's following up this quite confusing prawn cocktail chicken

key of chips and peas a lot of people is it's been a while I think this might be the first time on the podcast we had a meal that's exclusively eaten on your lap. Yeah. That's if I'm getting the hose through the window. Chicken Kiev, chips and peas. Yeah. Now, I'm going to take a wild swing that you're not paying for this either, Joe.

Well we're not eating in a restaurant, no. Whose house is this at? Err... Steven's. Tell us about Steven. Er, went to school with him, and he lives opposite his mum. Bought the house opposite his mum yeah do you know why it's at my house actually

can't be looking at his mum's house do you want to hear more about Stephen? yeah so it's probably from weight shows yeah because I haven't spent yeah you can't go do that to him now go ooo after he's picked chicken kebab, chips and peas Yeah, because I haven't spit yeah, you can't go do that to him now

Chicken Kiev chips and peas To I'm having two caves Respect yeah, it's the only way anyway. Yeah people are leaving on that controversial All right, there's a double Kiev that pushed him over the edge He's actually coming some people can't handle the truth. Gone. Gone forever. You know what I mean? I'm going to eat all of it mate. They just looked.

When does Waitrose shut? Oh fuck. Shut said night mate. I want to take a guess. He did have the pace of someone who was rushing to buy a Kiev Yeah, oh get us one while you're there So double double Kiev yeah two kia's all them are cut what's in because I obviously can get different chicken Kiev sometimes like yeah Yes

It's gonna be one of you can't also you can't get different types okay no that's a chicken care of his garlic butter right yeah I've just seen them get cold chicken cares but have ever stuff in them before I want they've got what stuffing and other stuff in there like I'm in there whatever no no no chicken cauldron with ham and it's amazing what they'll turn on isn't it? I don't know, they've turned. It's the biggest faux pas I've ever made on the top. Yeah, I'm absolutely with them. How much garlic butter do you want in there?

Doesn't matter, it'll all seep out while it cooks. It doesn't matter. It'll all be coating the bottom. And when you cut into it, it's completely hollow. Perfect. I've forgotten it's in there, so it's slightly too cooked. Slightly too brown. So you're making this at home, that's your dream? Yeah, yeah. Well then I don't have to go out yeah so all the garlic butters like just in the on the baking tray or whatever yeah yeah but

then you you pour the butter back over over the kids and you said you tell the other person you put the equal amount on both are you also though, whenever I've made this dish, I'll also pour the garlic butter over the peas at least, most likely also the chips and just like get a little bit of... Yeah, yeah, you can do that. To you? You're wrong, but it should be soaking into the crust of the kebab. Yeah. be soaking into the crust of the Kiev but yeah I do like the hollowness of it as well you don't want to be awful for you if you got the Kiev out the oven and none of the butter had escaped that it's all in there well I'd cut the side and put

it back in you breach you breach the care needs to all be in the pan. Also if you're making this yourself, you goblin beetroot the whole time? Is there some beetroot being eaten the whole time? I've got beetroot in the house at the moment actually. I've got three, it's a bit of a bugbear for Petra, sorry Petra, but I usually have about... It's not even my other half anymore, just the first name. Petra, she's there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There'll be about four or five half empty jars in the fridge. And I'll...

We'll be in St. Louis and I'll pop another one in the basket. That'll be an awkward drive home. Are you going to put them all in one jar? Noop. Are you getting through them eventually or is there just a cycle of now this is what is that awkward moment where you um you pour it in the sink there's a few what loose ones in the bottom you think why not that'd be the worst one to choke on a sink one yeah I eat them over the bathroom sink that's where you pour them out as well, when the jars are done. You go up to the bathroom. I go up to the bathroom, check that no one's in there. Yeah. Then I go, and if there is go, do you want to fuck with me? Eat some beetroot.

Someone just shouted out the worst pun I've ever heard. What was it? He said, be true to yourself. Oh, I wish there was a way of deleting that. Oh, edit it out. The issue with beetroot for me is, if I eat beetroot, and I know you're the same, I tend to set an alarm on my phone to remind me in a few hours' time that I've eaten beetroot, so that when I go for a proper toilet, I don't worry that I've got bowel cancer.

Well, I... Yeah, how do you celebrate a beetroot shit? That's not the response I was expecting to that. But you go, fucking a beetroot. Should we go on a bike ride? Ha ha ha! But what I'm worried about with you, Joe, I ate beetroot. Should we go on a bike ride? But what I'm worried about with you Joe, if you're eating beetroot constantly... Just don't ever look behind you. But I'm just worried you're never gonna spot the signs if there's something genuinely wrong.

Oh, yeah. I'll take a week off. Can't say further than that. What were we talking about? You said Waitrose for your chicken kebab. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But I will have Sainsbury's. Actually, Sainsbury's is cheaper. Because if you cook... little tip. If you overcook a chicken kebab by about 15 minutes, they all taste the same. It's a good tip actually.

If you like it overcooked. Yeah, but then if you buy a cheap one, you go, that's it, because it's burnt. It tastes the same as a... So, I don't understand. This feels like a false economy, Joe, because you don't have to overcook them. What do you mean? You buy a nice one and cook it right, then it's more delicious than a cheaper one cooked right. So why don't you just do that rather than... Why are you overcooking all of them to make them taste the same?

Because I'm in the middle of a box set. What's the box set? Well, I'll be honest, I love an ITV drama. I never bother learning the names of them. It's a detective in a town up north. That's all I know. And it's very well cast. So you're getting into that.

Yeah, and I forget I'm cooking it. Do you not set an alarm for when the Kiev's ready? What alarm? An oven alarm or a phone alarm or something to remind you that... Two good answers. To be fair. To be fair, two good aunts. He's got me there, what? Would you like to be in an ITV drama one day, Joe?

Do you think you would be good in one of those shows? No, because I love them too much, I don't want to go, fuck I know, it's me. I'm not saying you would watch it and forget you were in it. And then be taken out of the... Maybe, it'd be good if you could get in one, right, even just walk on part. And then at some point go, do you mind if I do a bit of improv? Look down the camera and go, Joe you've got a key oven in the oven. Now we've had plenty of food talk on the podcast but not much cutlery chat. Adlo Hanlon changed that.

Wow, what a link. What a link this guy. I mean it is a nice bit of cutlery chat to be fair. But I don't care about water. I mean I don't like I know it's I know it's got its uses and stuff like that you know irrigation and that sort of shit but I don't really care about it. What I am really interested in is well the temperature is important. Yeah. But more importantly is the glass. So like I'm really interested in the heft of a glass, that kind of thing. Yeah. Like that would be more important than the actual liquid in the glass.

It would be the, you know, like that's too thin. Like this little, this is a thin can of water for those listening that I'm holding in my good hand. Oh, be careful with the mic in that case. And it's too thin, so there's no pleasure to be had in holding this can. You know, the temperature is fine. I've heard that before. Yeah. So, if I held that can for any length of time, I would probably get tennis elbow or something. Because you're using extra muscles to get a good grip on it.

Sure. So you want something with a bit of weight when you pick it up. Weight is important, yes. Good point. And heft, I don't know if heft is the right word to describe like girth. Girth. Girth, heft, weight. That's what you would like.

In that order. Do you know what those glasses... Do you know what those glasses that have quite a thick bottom to them? Do you know what I mean? When it's like... Almost like a whiskey glass. When it stops, but then it just comes on a big chunk of glass at the bottom. Yeah.

No, I like that. I mean, the point again is glasses, the perfect glass. Right. Absolutely. They know. They know. And because it's also got that thing, like the little bulge about three quarters of the way up, which is a good

feature. So girth, heft, weight and the little bulge three quarters of the way up. Yeah, that's about all you need. And the lip, the lip is important. That is not too thin a lip. Because again, that doesn't channel the water into the right areas of the mouth. It channels it onto your shirt. And that's useless. Yeah. Forks are important as well. Yep. So like again, whole like eating is fine like

okay you know. Prefer touching yeah. Prefer touching but also prefer like again I think it's maybe getting older like my main interest at dinner will be the heft of the cutlery. Like we had a dinner party in our house a few weeks ago and this is absolutely true. So I got last Christmas for my wife's Christmas present I got this amazing cutlery like it is the best cutlery ever. So you bought that for your wife? Yeah. Okay. Lucky girl. Yeah. Just imagine you handing it over to her. Look at the heft on that.

Even more than me she loves design. Look at the heft on that. Even more than me, she loves design. I mean, she's got some outlandish cutlery in her collection, which she keeps in a different room than my cutlery collection. So, like, she got these forks, which are... Like, they look nice, but they're terrible. Now, look, you know, I shouldn't be talking about my wife in a public forum. LAUGHTER But I feel she needs to know.

And we're not good on one-to-one. But we have these forks at home, like there's only three tines. Yeah. Yeah. And two of them are splayed outwards, like the outer two. And they curve outwards. So literally you can't pierce anything. There is no food that I know of that you can actually pierce.

So what's that fork for? They turn everything dirty, Arnold. Like it's for maybe lifting hay or something and throwing it into a trailer. Like it's not for... Whereas the forks I got are, which she's very happy with, by the way. They're not just forks, they have a companion knife and spoon. That's good. Yeah.

And they're... So, you know, brutalism in architecture, right? These are brutalist... So, it's a Dutch designer called Maarten Haas. Yes. Loads of A's in that. Maaart. I think there's about five A's in his first name and about four in his second name.

Okay, Maaart and Haaas. He has these amazing cutlery sets. Anyway, still are sparkling it was the question. Um... The... It's the most cutlery chat we've had, but it's important. Well, I'm surprised you don't talk about it more. It's...so... Oh yeah, so I was at this dinner party and I literally, the next morning, I was really embarrassed. Like, I literally went around to everyone at the table,

because no one ever remarks in the cutlery and we're always furious the next morning. They say, oh yeah, the dinner is lovely, my wife's an amazing cook, because no one ever remarks in the cutlery and we're always furious the next morning. They say, oh yeah, the dinner is lovely, my wife's an amazing cook and they said they're always going on about the fucking food and everything and they never mention the cutlery. So at this dinner party I was going, what do you think of that? I was just one of those guys going around. You see it there and I look, maybe it doesn't look special but when you actually look at it closely it's all like it's imperfect. So there's like there's four tines in the proper, you know, and there's a stem. Yeah, you're talking through the fork. Yeah, but like each of the tines is kind of like slightly weird, you know, it's... Like little wiggly tines. Yeah, and then but the weight is the important. Yeah, it's just perfect. Like sometimes

Sometimes I literally I'm it's not even mealtime and I will go to the cutlery drawer Yeah when I should be working yeah, and I will literally just walk around with the phone It's feeling the weight of it. Yeah, yeah. And the knife is like a saw. Yeah, it's a really good knife. If a burglar came in, which one would you reach for first? Well here's the thing. If a burglar came in, I wouldn't know.

And the reason I wouldn't know is because, you you see we're very interested in design in our house. Yes. And my wife, again, it's none of your business. Yeah. Yes. The more you mention her, the more I suspect she doesn't exist. Yeah. But let's carry on.

It's just your wife is actually a fork that you put googly eyes on. Yeah, but she buys lamps. Hello, my darling. So she loves lamps almost as much as she likes cutlery. Yeah. But she will... I don't know if your wife likes cutlery. So she buys lamps that don't throw any light.

So our house is really dark because all the lamps, the lamps are lovely, like they, so it's always design over functionality and that's a source of contention. And literally there's no light coming out of the lamps. So you wouldn't know which one to get? You wouldn't even know, like it might as well be a hat stand, it might even be a hat stand with a lampshade on it, like there's like, there's no, it's's there's literally no light. There could be squatters living in my house. I wouldn't know. This angle explains why you began the show by rubbing your arse on a lamp.

Yes. But there was one guest who came perilously close to choosing the secret ingredient. I wish he had. I would have loved to kick this guy out. What? At the Royal Albert Hall no less. What a little thicco this guy is. An idiot. It's Ellis James.

So this is top quality steak, but only a small amount so I can have it with English mustard, and then we can move on. Okay, and that's next to your sea bass. Now, can we get, we need to get into the, into the nitty-gritty with the veg here. So you've got steamed... Spinach. Okay. With a little bit of nutmeg. Green beans.

Okay. Okay, someone's going to need to Google something for us. No, don't move on. No. We need to Google... You've got your phone out. You know what I want you to Google I don't have to say it to you Can you tell us more about the green beans? Well, I really like my greens. I like kidney beans

Sorry something fucking mad is happening in this room Sorry, something fucking mad is happening in this room. I cannot put my finger on. Yeah. Don't you, don't you, leave your fingers off it for now. We've got an answer. Because I like spinach, I like cabbage. Yeah. He's fine.

You're in the clear. Carry on. Carry on. Carry on. Carry on talking. I feel like I'm trying to walk across an icy lake. As long as you walk and don't run. Tender stem broccoli. But I would like the chef to discuss them with slightly more enthusiasm than you two muster on your advert at the

start of the podcast. That's a good advert. Yeah, we had to originally, James wasn't around, I had to record that by myself. You've never felt more fucking insane than recording an advert for broccoli alone. My sister thought that advert was fake, was a prank. She's like, you can't do an advert for tender stem broccoli, it's like do an advert just for cake. Yeah. And she was like, I'm not going to go to that, because we give a website address at the end,

she's like, I'm not going to go on that website, it's just going to be a picture of you, Ed, and toast dressed as broccoli. Well, I love my greens, so it's with greens and dauphinoise, potatoes, and then a disc of steak with English mustard, but only a small one, so I'm not too full, because it's a big night. Are you factoring your dream side dish into that, or is there a different dream side dish? Different dream side dish. Okay, well let's move on to that and hear what your different dream side dish is.

I mean, the two that almost made the cut, special fried rice, Shredded, shitty, crispy beef. But I thought, what genuinely makes me happy? Why do I feel like looking at a bowl of sausages now? I thought, Soddy, it's my dream restaurant so for my side I'd like a box of milk tray. Alice, being here with you tonight is very special. Royal Albert Hall, someone's finally chosen milk tray as their dream side dish. Can I ask?

No, no questions needed. I respect the choice, but you're not fucking anyone after this meal. I beg to differ. Sometimes, even though we were live and in public, things got hot and steamy. No, that's not what it says. Oh, sorry. It says sexy. Sexy is the headline.

Underlined. And then it says, things go hot and steamy. Yeah. It's Jamelia and Susan McComa. My dream drink is, have you ever had carrot juice? Yeah. Yeah. Love it. Okay. Carrot, not just the juice of a carrot.

Oh, sorry, I thought that's what it was. No, then. I have to reframe what I think about everything today. Actually, you know what? Sorry, this is really unprofessional. I'm going to change what I had, just because I feel like this is a better answer. I do want to... But you can't leave us with the carrot juice mystery. We do need to hear what carrot juice is if it's not the juice of a carrot. Carrot juice is delicious, just as delicious as the drink that I'm going to choose. Yeah, but what is it? What is carrot juice? It is the juice of a carrot, but it's mixed with condensed milk and

nutmeg and cinnamon and it's absolutely delicious. Can you use evaporated milk instead? Absolutely not. No, because they are interchangeable in a lot of things. Definitely not. It would be disgusting. I feel like that's an inside joke. Slam him to fuck, Jimmy. James's mum did a recipe for us once. We did a cook-allong together on Zoom during the pandemic. Because when we went back into the second lockdown, because someone had fucking noodles. And... Out of context, if anyone takes that out of context, that's me cancel forever. Yeah. That sounds bad.

If any of you are filming this, just clip that up and put it online. Curtis up his usual tricks. I'm fine with that. You can do that. Anyway, James' mum said, I'll do this, and I did the recipe and it was shit. It was a bad recipe. That's all you need to know. she gave him a precise recipe and he ignored that the recipe it's a condensed milk he ignored it and replaced it with

evaporated milk and then complained after was it didn't taste how it was supposed to yeah that yeah that'll do it she's a shit cook Are you having that? Have you two ever had a fight? I'm not instigating, I'm just asking. Your Honour. No, I can't fight him here in front of everyone. I'll get him in the dressing room, he's not expecting it. Speak about my cussing my mum out on stage. Terrible, terrible.

So you're not choosing the carrot juice? I'm not going to go for the carrot juice just because I would like to educate the audience. Maybe you already know what this is, but have any of you ever had something called sexy juice? Sexy juice? And it's not, hang on. No, it's not that.

Hang on, I've been tricked before with the carrot juice. Okay, sexy juice. Right, sexy juice. It's basically the same as carrot juice, but you substitute the carrot juice for pineapple juice. Maybe that's why it's called sexy juice? You know that thing about pineapple? Yeah, we know that. Oh! So let's crack that wheel. I have never noticed that.

I can't wait to listen to this. Oh my gosh. So we've worked out why it's called sexy juice. There'll be people in here who don't know what you mean. Explain what you mean. Right. Oh, I hope my mum doesn't listen. All right, moving on. Right, so sexy juice is, sorry, did you say you want the recipe?

No? Yeah? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It's pineapple juice, condensed milk, bit of nutmeg, bit of cinnamon. It doesn't sound all, it's not fancy, but it's delicious. It really, really is. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't want to speak about sexy juice anymore. Fair enough. We all know why it's called sexy juice now. Respect the guest boundaries. We're not going to make you talk about sexy juice anymore. I feel like I've made it so awkward. I'm so sorry. Let's go back to carrot juice. Let's carrot juice. That's my drink.

No, that sounds like very nice. Do you think you've now ruined sexy juice for yourself though? Yeah. Now that you've put that in your head. Nah, I still have it. Good on you, mate. We can bring you like a tumbler of each if you want. You can have some sexy juice and some carrot juice.

Thanks. Yeah, no worries. Thank you, really appreciate it. Does that work with any other foods? Say it again, sorry. Does the thing work with any other foods? The thing? The pineapple thing that we're all thinking about now and won't stop thinking about until after the show's done. Does that work with any other foods? I don't know. Are there any like, parent and child? Like, in the audience? There are, oh, there's loads, I'm so sorry. No, because, no, I'm just saying, because they might have to have the conversation on the way home or something. I mean, you don't have to. You don't have to, we'll do it now.

No! I mean you don't have to. You don't have to. We'll do it now. It's the most awkward question I've ever had in parents and children. Sometimes when two people love each other very much. Look I don't know the science behind it. I don't know if it's true. Me neither. Don't look at me. I don't. I don't know. Sorry. Look at Ed.

And I don't know if it would work for ever fruits. Well, we've got about 14 tour shows left. Yep. I've only heard the myth about pineapple. Yeah. So tomorrow night at the Royal Albert Hall. I'll eat pineapple before the interval Yes And then we've got a way to open the second half, haven't we? That probably exists in fan fiction somewhere anyway, so we might as well Loads of fan fiction about us fucking

Yeah Oh my goodness. Loads of fan fiction about us fucking. Yeah. Just talk about food and then those grubby little pervs online. Well. I don't mind it. No, because you're always the dominant and I'm always getting fucked and crying my eyes out. I love it. Look at fucking grubby little bastard, I know I'm always the one drinking the pineapple put it that way I'll spongeBob here Oh

If you had told me this is where this was gonna go I'd have still been here I thought I was going to be so ready for that. Jesus, you're good. Best jump of the tour to be fair so far. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That proper shitting me up. Oh my God. You were riding high on I Love Lemons. I know. Nothing from Matthew Bainton last night, he didn't move an inch.

Did he move an inch? But that guy's a ghost, he's used to scares. You can't scare a ghost man. Oh god. Well, I'll answer it now. Bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread. Bread, bread, bread, bread. Bread, warm, warm, soft bread.

We don't want anything too hard. And also, you need really like creamy, like almost melted butter on it. You don't want to be shagging around like trying to warm it up and... That's so... Wait. Wait. You know what you do when you shag around trying to... I do know what you mean, what you're going for.

I've just never heard that used in that context. Yeah, you know, when you're shagging... Like, when you're trying to achieve something, so you're just putting it around, trying to achieve your softer butter. I hate that you're realising this in front of an audience of 2,000 people, but I think you've been using that term wrong. A lot of people get off different opinions of you over the years. Sorry, I was shagging around at the airport.

So the post office shagging around. Customs shagging around. The bugger's shagging around. Customs shagging around. Is that the GP shagging around? Oh my god. Yeah. Yes. A lot of things are going through my mind right now. A lot of conversations. But yes, I love creamy, creamy butter.

I haven't shagged. And warm bread. Do you know what I actually really love? If you go to a really bougie place, I love when they give you like a basket of bread and there's a variety of different breads rather than just like this is the only bread, dip it in that oil, fuck off. I love the surprise, I go, oh, that's quite nice. And I love, what I really love, as a starter is like, just fruit bread, like bit of raisins in it, to just mix it there.

Oh dear. How do we feel about what? Controversial at Bristol. I will shag every one of you. Outside, kit off, now. Yeah, oh my God, what the hell? No, I'm sticking with that. That's a hill I'm going to die on. Yeah, you've got to stick by what you believe.

But yeah, not popular here in Bristol. Not popular. Fruit bread here. No, just a little bit. Not talking excessive amount of raisins, just a little bit. Dotted around. I like those breads. I do like the raisin breads. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. And also if it's part of a selection,

it's only a small little bit. It's only a small wedge. There we go. Small little wedge. Oh, you've got the wedges back on site. Got it back on. I like them now. Will you toast it though?

With raisin bread, I'd like it to be toasted. Not as a, no, no, no. Not if you're about to have like three courses. No, no. Have I lost you? Why is toasting an issue if you're about to have three courses? I don't know. It doesn't it just makes it denser. You're about to have three courses and then someone gives you toast, essentially.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Don't you think that toast is just me? Oh my god, I'm realising a lot. I guess if someone gives you bread, it's the same, isn't it? No, but if it's a little, no. Because if you hold a loaf, if you hold, not loaf, if you hold a slice of bread and then you

hold a slice of toast, do this when you get home. The toast is heavier. Are you is this another problem with your vocabulary? Have you been mistaken the word heavier for the word hotter and getting them? No go home and try it slice a slice of bread untoasted toasted that toasted one is heavier. Susan it's gonna be late by the time the show's finished I can't go home and start shagging the toaster. Also, you know, I think, what, will it be three episodes into the latest series of Taskmaster?

Yeah. I feel bad that this audience already know who's not going to win. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, Speaking of Susan Wacoma, we got to know a lot about her dating history. Let's hear from Susan Wacoma and Susan Wacoma. So, my very first boyfriend was from, like, from Tunbridge Wells.

And, er... Any of those details relevant to the story? Not at all. Tumpridge Wells and just narrowing it down a bit. I think, I know, do you know what, the reason why I mentioned that is because he's so far away from what I prepared him. There we go. So he's from Tumpridge Wells and he's like, Suze, why don't you cook me, why don't you cook me one of your, that's how he talks. Go on. Why don't you cook me one of your, your, your home dishes from from Nigeria? I can't I've said I don't fucking like cooking like eating like food being prepared to me Wearing a feather boa and advisor anyway, so he sounds like a great guy by the way Absolutely awful man

Why don't you cook me one of your funny little spicy things? from Nigeria. Why don't you call me one of your funny little spicy things? That's the vibe I got. Yeah, that's the vibe I get from this Chuck Lidwell's motherfucker. No, I was talking, as I'm doing now, I was talking about how much I love opera soup, and he was like, well I'd love to taste it. And I was like, ah, four years. Four years.

Four years. Four years. And so I was like, right, cool, I'm going to do that. So I'd made two mistakes. First one was that I didn't chop the opera thin enough. It was too thick. So when it's too thick, you don't get the stringiness, which is the main event. It's the main event. So when he had it, he was like, well,

this ain't anything like you. Well, this ain't anything like you said. So I failed there. Fucking hate this guy. I think you remember you saying something about stringiness. What is this Susan? I wouldn't call this a main event Susan. Have you had shepherd's pie? Oh god I feel awful. Yeah he was a prick. Anyway and no he wasn't. He was a little bit. And then so the second mistake I made was that you're only meant to use like, you use scotch bonnets, you're only meant to use a couple. Oh no.

Someone's about to get their cum-appants. I love it. Good on you Susan, how many did you put in? I don't think this is going to go well with a guy from Tunbridge Wells. I have a nice big spoonful to begin with Susan. Down the hatch, Bob Black. In for a penny, in for a pound! Fuck waiting contract!

I'm laughing because you're not far off! Oh my god! You're a wretch. Oh, what was I doing? So you're only meant to use two. And I use seven. I use fucking seven. And my

spice tolerance is high. But even I was sweating from my eyebrows. I was sweating from like creases in my neck, I was like shit, under my tit, I was like wow. This guy was pink, he was pink and red, and he was like... He fucking killed him. Oh my god, it was funny in retrospect. Made him pink and red. I thought I was going to kill him. He was so pink. Well that's good you can see what he's gonna look like when he's 40 at least. Oh my god yeah so I love that meal when it's made by other people. Yeah so those are my two mains. So can I have both of them?

That's the goal. Obviously all I'm thinking about is out. Steam coming out of his ears. Also, we've stumbled into a bit of a trap here. Ed and I established a running joke where you can do it infinite times. And all you need to do is do a different phrase before he eats it each time, and it's gonna make us laugh. So I've got in for a penny, in for a pound,

and for queen and country in my head. And if it wasn't for the fact we're on a time limit, that would have carried on for half an hour. I had another boyfriend, I've had a few. Here we go. Next from the chopping block, step up. I had another one. Now this one who I won't name was a proper, he was a bitch. He was a, I did this. Like I think of him and I just think what the fuck was I doing?

Like everyone else I'm like good memories memories some good times but this one I'm like could have done without that scratch that fucking out however after a breakup I tend to go okay what am I gonna leave with what's like one thing that I take with me and I just check are you speaking of Susan now are you the character with This is me I'm gonna be her. That's in that's in about it was about five fucking minutes I'm gonna be her but no so he was he was a bitch but I he showed me this um snack so he was like why does that sound dirty? There's a lot of innuendos in this episode. And when you draw out a sentence like that, it's going to be dirty. Yeah, that's true.

He showed me this. He showed me a snack and it was this. So we went out one night, we came in and he was like, oh, I want to show you my favourite night time snack. I was like, babes, yeah, go on in. By the way, may I say oldest trick in the book? Laughter So he's like, right, so I'm just going to get some crackers. I was like, okay, alright,

get the crackers out. So he got some crackers. You love it. Crackers, and then he got sliced some cheese, cheddar, just boring cheddar. And then he got a slice of cheese cheddar boring cheddar and then he got ketchup yes why I'm not with him and and he put it on on the cheese I was like literally I was watching him going fucking hell like am I gonna have to put a pillow over his head?

Is it down to me, is this the moment where I'm like, I must stop this continuing. And then he put the other cracker on it. I was like, fucking hell, I don't love anyone this much. I don't. And then I ate it. It was fucking sick. Absolutely amazing.

It was gorgeous. So crackers, Jacob's crackers, slice of cheddar, just a couple of sizes, ketchup, bish bosh, put it in your mouth. Gorgeous. That would be my side dish. Your dream side dish. Oh I love this sound. You lot are amazing. You lot want to beat me up and I love it. Your dream side dish is crackers, cheddar and ketchup that was shown to you by, and I quote, a proper bitch. Yeah. You said you didn't take anything from this relationship. No, but that was the one thing I took. That was the only thing I took. I mean, it's awful, Susan.

Yes, it is awful. And he likes cheese boards. Yeah, I know. And he hates the... So like, I'm the last person who's now going to back you up on it and he likes cheese boards. Yeah Yeah, and he hates that so like I'm the last person who's now gonna back you up on it So I hate you boys. So obviously I hate that. Yeah, of course No, that's all right. I mean, is he got a name? Did he give it a little night? He strikes me as a kind of person who would give it a little cheeky night. I'll give it a name It's a fucking dare really lunchable is what it is

Oh, he was in his 50s as well. I know don't you think he's a bitch? Yeah. Hang on. What? Suddenly I don't even give a shit about food anymore. You were going out with a guy in his 50s who was like, let me show you my favourite anti-smoke. Now you get the pillow thing. I was like, jeez. Try that, Susan. Try that, but you'll have to be quiet, otherwise you'll wake mother. LAUGHTER

Again, you're not far off. Have you brought a girl home? Go to bed, mother. You better not be up all night making barely lunchable. Mother, please, I'm a man now. I sleep in the big bed. Again, you're not far off. Wow. This guy.

I've suffered. Not long, you're not far off. Wow. You're not far off. This guy. I've suffered. Wait till you see this, it's going to blow your mind. Catch up. My many years on this planet, Susan, learned many a thing. You probably haven't encountered this before. I'll let you see how I make it, but don't tell anyone. It's a family secret. Give them to your hat, Susan.

A Jacob's cream cracker. The weakest cheddar imaginable. A suggestion of ketchup. And here's the twist. A second Jacob Jacobs cream cracker you must remember we used to love this when we were children because when I was born we were still in the back end of rationing Be quiet down there! Are you talking about the rationing again?

I hope you haven't eaten all the crackers. Mother, please. You've been in my nice cheese? Don't you be in my nice cheese again, I'll come down there give you hell. I'll box your ears Oh my god, ah that made that made every second of that year with that guy worth it. Thank you so much. Mother! Probably that's the most I've laughed on the whole tour. Yes.

Was hearing about Susan's boyfriends. Yes. Now, obviously we've got a bit of toilet humor on the live episodes as well, just like we do on the recorded ones. Oh, this is recorded as well. Of course, our P&Poo podcast was represented at the live shows too, is what Benito's written, and that was probably more concise than what I tried to say then. Just one name, John Robbins.

John Robbins, shitting yourself. Well, the next course, you'll be glad to hear, is the starter. Lovely. 40 minutes in. Oh, Jesus Christ, it actually is. Sorry, John, go on. So the next course every year for the past sort of six or seven years I've lived in Edinburgh when I did the festival with George Egg. Alex Horne. Race to that, absolute race to it.

I'm getting Alex Horne! Our backs down. And people might know George Egg as the anarchist chef or snack hacker on YouTube. He's got a channel where he hacks snacks, stuff you can sort of do in your car, which appeals to me. Are all your friends your favourite YouTubers? To an extent. I do have a YouTube channel with Alex Horne. I do. But so he living with him in Edinburgh is just such a treat because he's a wonderful guy but also he's not just

a brilliant chef but he loves cooking and he gets excited about you tasting stuff and he likes presenting it to you. You know he's cooked me a six course meal in Edinburgh before, but what I would like to go for, my starter, is what we'd always have for breakfast together, which is George eggs, cuppy egg, on veggie haggis with a Kraft cheese slice, Kismot, Mr. Naga sauce, and a mocha pot coffee with evaporated milk.

That sounds very nice. It sounds lovely. It does sound lovely. So I can talk you through it very quickly. Yes. Cup the egg, you butter the bottom of a mug, crack an egg into it, put it in the microwave for about 45 seconds. It makes a perfect poached egg, but buttery.

He puts that on the top of vegetarian haggis, which he's sliced into a circle that's been fried. Between those is a Kraft cheese slice. And then we went for a curry in Kismot in Edinburgh, and the hot sauce was so nice that we asked if we could take some home with us. So they put it in a little plastic pot. And it was so delicious that if you just

dip the end of a forked tine into it and dip a bit of the oil off. It's just wonderful on poached eggs or on cheese, like melted cheese. So we'd have that for breakfast and make a little coffee in... Georgia's got an espresso-sized mocha pot and you mix it with evaporated milk and it's just sweet and it's like a sort of shot of sweet coffee goodness. And that will remind me of wonderful mornings in Edinburgh with my dear friends, tasting wonderful food.

Yes, please! Yes, please! Yes, please! That's lovely, John. And George, I guess, a magnificent chef. So I imagine that tastes very nice. I think a few people in here might try that cuppy egg. Oh, yeah.

That sounds like something that... Well, the cuppy egg is on his YouTube channel, so you can find out how to make cuppy egg. But also that naga sauce you can buy. If I mention stuff you can buy, does it fucking ruin it forever for those suppliers? Because they suddenly have a billion orders. No, you're gonna get some for free. The audience get them for free? No, you will. Not the audience. No, they won't.

You will. It will turn up on your doorstep probably before you've even got home tonight. Well, I don't need any because I've got some. Yeah, well, bad luck. You're going to get some more. But anyway, if you want that delicious chili sauce, it's called Mr. Naga.

And it's basically like sort of oil with crushed chilies, but it is fucking delicious. But do use with caution, for Christ's sake. It will bite you on the ass, both literally and in a very horrible way, metaphorically. You've had a few nightmares over the years, haven't you, with stuff like that? I've had a few nightmares over the years, haven't you? A few close shades. A few things like that.

But I haven't actually shitted myself since 2002. Oh. Not true? No, it's... Oh, OK, yeah, but there is no need to... I'd forgotten about that. Just lying, just lying, John, throwing years around so confidently. I guess in a way, does that create a shit in yourself, that story?

I mean obviously I'm on the cusp of just describing it. I never had that combination again of neck oil and bang bang cauliflower I mean with with with Frank's extra hot wing sauce it was a fucking car crash just saying that out loud of course no one should have that yeah I know well I didn't know that neck oil, bang bang cauliflower which sounds like a metaphor for shitting yourself oh no I've done a bang bang cauliflower in my pants do you want to quickly run through the story? Oh god, I had neck oil and bang bang cauliflower.

And it was just, I was going through a bad period with my guts anyway. I was drinking quite a lot. It was drinking quite a lot. The cauliflower and the batter was a fucking mistake. The sauce was just arrogant. And I was in a situation where I couldn't fart freely. So I...

I don't... For me, that situation has never existed. Oh come on. It was what time in the morning was it? It would have been like 1.30, 2.00am. 1.30am and you were at the time in a relationship and didn't want to fart in front of them. Yeah, I think that's as much as I would like to say about that. You're a gentleman.

Yeah, actually yeah, I was a gentleman. What do gentlemen do in that situation? They don't fart in the bed. They don't fart in the bed. They go downstairs, try to fart in some kitchen roll and shit themselves. Laughter Have you not read any etiquette guides? Laughter My favourite thing about that is I understand going downstairs. I get that, I'll go to another room and I'll fart. But then going I need some sort of

muffler. I thought it would deaden the sound. It actually turned out to be a masterstroke. be a masterstroke. Our guests are here we go. This is the point where the categories get really, really weak. I can't believe that this is a category. Okay, I get it now. Our guests had plenty of wild stories. Like wild animals. Nature. Is that what you meant? No? It's not what you meant? He just meant they're wild. Oh, I just saw that a few,

a couple of them are about animals. I think they all were. Sam Campbell, Lucy Beaumont, Joe Wilkinson, Lucy Beaumont again and Sam Campbell again. I'd say that the key is just don't turn up the heat too high. You've got to low and slow with caramelised onions. It's going to take way longer than you think it is. Is it one of these things, some people are talking about things that take 12 hours to cook. Is that real? Not really. I think it's real, but not onions. They wouldn't, I'd say you're looking at half an hour plus,

but I wouldn't, don't cook an onion for 12 hours, whatever you do. How low would you have to go heat-wise to cook them for 12 hours, and then they still how you want them You could put them in the oven I reckon overnight on a very very low heat and it would I mean it probably wouldn't caramelize them But it would bake it would bake it overnight do that with tomatoes man. You do little tomatoes in the oven You're essentially drying them out in the oven overnight overnight pretty cool. I wouldn't be asleep You wouldn't be able to sleep I've been the house gonna catch fire. Pretty cool. I wouldn't be able to sleep. I wouldn't. You wouldn't be able to sleep? I'd be in the house doing a catch fire. Oh, right.

Yeah, I was... I thought you'd be so excited about the tonight. No. Well, maybe. I don't know. But like, I think... Getting up and you keep looking through the... It's like Christmas. Yeah, it is a bit.

My wife used to share a flat with someone. He's a lovely man. He's still a very good friend. But the first night she was sharing a flat with him She was like weird it out. She was in a new place or whatever She got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water about three four in the morning She came into the kitchen and all of the lights were off But he was stood in front of the oven and the light from the oven was just lighting him And he was he was baking a cake. Four in the morning completely silently watching a cake bake. You respect that?

Pretty late for a cake. So yeah, I think half an hour to 45 minutes. What's the longest someone has cooked something for and it still came out okay? So yeah, I think half an hour to 45 minutes. What's the longest that someone has cooked something for and it still came out okay? Wow. Good luck, man. Good luck with this one. I guess like barbecue, like Texas barbecue food, you'd probably cook that for 15, 16

hours sometimes, like a brisket or pulled pork. Wasn't there something that was cooking for a thousand years? Is that, what am I? Why are you asking questions? You've already got the answers to them. No, I thought he would know. You're like, what do you think it is? I think there's a temple in Japan somewhere where they've,

it might be in Japan, apologies if I'm wrong, but they've got like a soup that's been cooking for like hundreds or thousands of years. Did they ever dip into it? Yeah, I think they've. No, they haven't had any yet. They're like, oh, it's good. Did they ever dip into it? Yeah, I think they've... No one... They haven't had any yet. They're like, I hope it's good.

But I think that's like, they're adding to it all the time. So there's like bits that have been there for that long. Like a sourdough starter. You know, a sourdough starter, you're just adding to it all the time. Didn't someone do that with a rock and it was a trick? No, I think you're right. I think it might be a fable or something. Do you know about this? Oh the stone soup fable. Yeah. You know this one?

Yeah yeah. So this guy he's got like a... Okay that's not how fables start Sam. We don't know how Australian fables start. Okay and then there's other fables. Most Australian fables start off with this guy or this other fables. I'm glad most Australian fables get thought of with this guy or this sheila. There was this fella and pretty much all he had was a rock. That's all he's got. Somehow ends up with an incredible meal. Hell, here's what he did. He went...

So basically he goes, oh my god, we're making this amazing soup. Everyone's got to contribute something. I've got this rock. What have you got? Someone's like, I've got some amazing... Do you have a food? Ham? Ham. I've got this rock. What have you got? Someone's like I've got some amazing Trouble food ham ham. I've got some celery celery Basically everyone in the community contributes one thing and at the end of it, he's got this amazing soup

He goes well, yeah, we've made we've made this and then he got to have some of it. I Had forgot that fable and yeah when you told us I I like the way you told that fable and when you told it I was like, oh yeah. I like the way you told that fable though, as if it was just something your friend told you. Can you do the tortoise and the hare for me? Basically there was just, it was a pretty huge race. I'd be surprised if you didn't hear about it. So yeah, I think a lot of animals were involved. I'm actually not too sure about which other animals were in it.

These two do tend to dominate the story. But yeah, huge race. Everyone thinks the hare is going to win. Everyone's like, man, you've got this in the bag. This is yours. And the tortoise is like, oh, do I even stand a chance? Should I even enter? His coach was like, you should do it.

It is for charity. And yeah. So yeah, beautiful charity. And... What charity? Sorry? What charity was the tortoise running for? Alopecia.

Yeah? alopecia. It affects tortoises quite badly. Yeah it does. It is maybe Would you like crackers to start this? No, I don't want crackers either actually. I want bread. Right, well what was that? I just wondered why it was just Papa Dom's our bread. I do want bread, but I don't want fancy bread. What I want is, do you know Jackson? Are you allowed to say actual names of things?

Feel free, yeah. It's nice to know you've listened to some episodes. Oh, no, I've listened to a lot of them. I just can't remember if they've... Yeah, you can say Brad. You told us you listened to a lot of episodes. Yeah, yeah. In a row, didn't you? Yeah.

Can you just tell us what happened, why you ended up listening to loads and loads? Oh, yeah, you listened to quite a lot in a row, didn't you? More than you were anticipating. Yeah. I got stuck behind a horse. God, it was a night. It's not yet funny to me. Do you know what I mean? This is only a few days ago. Yeah. It's bloody hot. There's a very large wood where I live and I couldn't get past the horse.

And if I'd have taken a different turn off, I would have had to have gone a long way around. So I just walked behind it. Hang on. This is the second time I'm hearing this story. And this is the first time that I'm realising you were on foot. Yeah. I didn't know that. I thought you were in a car on a road behind a horse. I didn't know you were in some enchanted woods. Walking. That sounds magical Lucy.

How do you get stuck behind a horse on foot? Well, I don't have a driver's license We can't can't you walk around the horse I Didn't want to scare it Had just I thought what I was thinking she'll notice because of the woman on the horse. I was thinking she'll notice, because there was a woman on the horse, I was thinking... I was thinking she'll notice me soon and she'll move to the side and let me go past. But I didn't feel comfortable with trying to take over the horse and she just didn't for absolutely ages. And so I listened to quite a few podcasts. So how long would you say you were slowly walking behind this horse?

I think two hours. It's a really big wood. So plenty of room to maybe. Oh yeah and then finally she noticed me and she moved to the side, she let me pass. I was like thank God for that. And then my shoelace came undone. So I bent down to do it and just saw this fucking horse just... Go past. And then, so it happened again. It was behind the horse for ages.

She let me then again go past and a guy said come here Lucy so I went to him and the horse overtook me and he was talking to his dog he wasn't he said I'm talking to my dog love. I mean it's consistent with what happens in a Toby Carver isn't it? You hear Lucy like, yeah. Oh it was, I was so annoyed when I got home. It was like, it's just wasted my day. And then I've got to pick my child up from school like the whole day's gone.

I haven't got anything done. Like just looking at this horse's arse. But hey. Joey? Yeah? Did someone once have to do the Heimlich on you? Because you choked on some beetroot. Sorry, beetroot?

No. No. Yes, I did. That man is like, it's not the man, give him a wave. Oh hello, yeah, he saved my life. He didn't save your life. He didn't save your life. His friend. Karrosh. Yeah, where's Karrosh? He's down, he's in my... I can tell you, I've got his phone number here

Is he in? So you exchanged, no he's not in So you exchanged numbers after... I could phone him, yeah He saved your life? Can we get a bit of background on the story before you phone him? Yeah, erm... It's gonna be a bit of a weird phone call if we don't know anything about it

Where were you? I was there, I was there, I was in my house and I was... What? Hang on, I'm glad we got some more background on this story. What are you talking about? You're in your house. I'm always in my house. What do you mean? Yeah but, okay, keep telling the story. Why is me being in my house weird? Because you choked on beetroot and then a man who I presume you didn't know before called Karrosh saved your fucking life. Yeah. I hardly ever look in the spare room to be fair. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha There he was What happened I was I was cooking and as I was cooking I like to eat beetroot Okay, let's pause before we carry on Okay, there's a lot of pausing and Details are weirder than you think. Yeah

Okay, okay. Why do we why is it beetroot? You're stuck of choice when you're cooking some people drink red wine when they're cooking Yeah, you eat you eat beet slices it beetroot? Your snack of choice when you're cooking. Some people drink red wine when they're cooking. Yeah, you eat beetroot. Slices of beetroot. Preferably crinkle cut. Well, that turned out to be your downfall on this day, didn't it? Oh, yeah, we'll get there. Because when I'm cooking I'm usually hungry. Yeah. When I'm cooking I'm usually hungry. Yeah. That's unique. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know, I've listened to your pod and I don't know, some people do that as well. They cook when they're hungry. Paul Rudd. Yeah. That's really nice to follow that little what? So I was eating beetroot and quickly because I love the stuff and it suckered itself into my throat and I could no longer breathe so I ran out into my garden I looked at my other half and I thought she's not gonna help because she was she absolutely loves the book she was reading at the time and I thought I

doubt she put that down. Yeah I Think I think it was a Jackie Collins, but I couldn't be sure Was it Petra she's in show me something so I thought what do I do and I went a bit matrix I was I started to think for the first time in my life That's what you call going a bit matrix. Yeah. Something you knew the appropriate term for a lamp. Tapped into something higher than myself here. Yeah and I picked up the pace. It was the fastest I've ever gone down my hallway and I ran outside and... So you went into the garden, looked at your partner, ran back inside again and out the front door?

Yeah. You got like just red, just pouring down your beard I'd imagine? Well it wasn't because I'm very... because I've eaten a lot of beetroot, I'm a... I tend to be good at it. Yeah, it's just this one time, wasn't it? It nearly killed you. Yeah, to be fair, there was not a drop on me. So I ran out.

This is in Covid as well, so no one was about, so I thought, it's probably not the best idea. But Matey had broken all the rules and was out. so no one was about so I thought it's probably not the best idea but Maiti had broken all the rules and was out and I was like you can save my life but I'm not happy about it and I reported him later he got four months and I was he was a big lad, he's a big lad isn't he? He's a big lad, he's about six, well, very strong muscular arms if I remember right. And I was pointing at my throat and he sort of went, and I was like, there's nothing else I can do here and then he I remember him saying I can't I

can't do the he said I can't do the Heimlich and I was well now you're gonna have to learn so we both googled he had he had better 5g than me so you got that no and then so just yeah he just picked me up like a rag doll and then shook me and then it shot out and hit the side of a car. I wasn't expecting to tell that. Is this how the pod should start? And then you exchanged numbers after that? Yes, I've got him down in my phone as Life Saver. Yeah, I know.

What a guy I am. Do you... I'll hear my men. Call him. Nah. Do you chat much with Life Saver? Not as much as I should. Every time you're eating some beetroot take a selfie of yourself.

Yeah, I've got him as my emergency number now. I've swapped him for my wife. Yeah, so yeah that happened. Do you still eat beetroot? Yeah. Someone told me, I was talking to my neighbor about it the following day and I was telling her and she said oh I have a friend of hers and she had problems eating for like months. She had to go have therapy about it. I was eating a lot of food within four to five minutes. To the point my missus like Christ you don't learn and I'd like them so I can have different I'd like a few soups who wants one soup one type of soup most most people you know so you got all these you're supposed to the

coach point them it's got a bit of... Yeah. Have you had that before? Is that something you've had somewhere where they put the cottage pie in the Yorkshire puddings? No. Okay. And the soup, and then you also want about the same size? Yeah, please, yeah. In the Yorkshire puddings again?

Yeah. Soup in the Yorkshire puddings? Yeah. Do you want to take us through the soups? Yeah, yeah. I really like mushroom soup. Yeah. Yeah.

It's brilliant. So mushroom soup in one of them? Yeah. I had an incident. Can I just check? I can't wait to hear. But I'm just going to check because we're 44 minutes in. Do you have an incident per soup?

No. No, so just mushroom soup? I'd love to hear it. Do you know during lockdown that you know that nice bit where everyone was dying but it was sunny? I Mean yeah, I do know the bit you mean I'm gonna say if you say that in the future Sunny should come after the nice bit The nice bit where it was sunny, but unfortunately everyone was dying that's the order I do it well every morning I would open the curtains and I see on the lawn this little bird and it was there

every morning and I was like that and I'd go downstairs ago that little bird was there and then one day I looked and it wasn't moving a lot. And so I went onto the lawn. It was a mushroom. LAUGHTER I don't know what I'm going to do. I mean... I would say...

Obviously there's a lot to say about that. I think the fact that for days you must have taken a mushroom for a bird and talked to it is pretty big news Went downstairs every day when I saw the little bird. Yeah, we tell we tell your husband. I saw the little bird again But I would also say that story doesn't need the context of do you remember that bit in lockdown where everyone's I Don't think it needed that Happened at any point didn't need to know it was a lockdown. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed that. I didn't think it needed do. I mean you know I live in a corporate new build these days. Yes. And it has a treadmill. I've been trying to run, I'm working my, I'm trying to run 10 kilometres every day. That's pretty good. And after that I do, and I

often get lost in my building. Like I haven't really figured it out yet. Hang on. Are you running on the treadmill or around the building for 10k? It's just a complicated building. I think they're like... It's only at 30% capacity and it's getting... there's all... there's some weird stuff going on where I live. What sort of weird stuff? There's no lights in the gym, so I run in complete darkness. Are you supposed to be living in this building? Because to me it sounds like you've moved into like a show property. You know when they build the flats first of all and they deck some of them out with like furniture to show you what it would be like if you bought them but it'll say opening in

2026. Have you just moved in? This explains why a lot of my flatmates are going to cut out people. No, it's real. It's the real deal. It's the real deal, yeah. It's at 30% capacity. Yeah. Have you met everyone else who lives there? I've met a few and it's pet friendly. I don't have a pet but I'm gonna, they're having soon the Meet the Pets event and I'm gonna, you know, they can't stop me from going to that. Yeah. Yeah, after I run I do, I do. You stink.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you stink or do you worry? Yeah, I stink sometimes, yeah. It's the meet the pets event in a room that has lights or is it in complete darkness again and you have to feel the pet and guess which pet it is? That's got him, isn't it? And that is so messed up. Imagine going to a fully in darkness meet the pet event.

Your mind. If you went to a fully in darkness meet the pet event, what would be your favourite? Eel! That would be your favourite animal to meet in the dark. To touch in the dark would be an eel. I mean, I would worry the lights would come up on no one's got an eel. And I know that you've worked so hard on this format and all the food stuff, yeah, yeah, yeah, but make this the whole show.

It's darkness, it's pets in the darkness. This is nice. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think you could identify different people as like what animals they were in the dark if you touched them? I think most of them I'd go okay, yeah. Yeah.

I would struggle with some of the breeds. Yeah sure Yeah, we think Jack Russell, but you know, let's see And then here's the here's the twist of the meeting pets in the dark event in your building So all the pets are at one side of the room and you go and feel them and the owners are at the other side Of the room and you have to feel them and then match them up with it You could do that? What would be your technique of the way you'd figure out? Sorry, I've just seen two people leave. It was me who did it, Sam. That's not on you, buddy.

Imagine that's the point. Where are you going? We need to grab the cockatiel. Wow. So, yeah, feeling a pet's texture and then matching. I don't know if I'd be good at it than matching the owner and the pet. But what would be your... I mean, you're doing well on Taskmaster right now. you've won a few episodes. So like if that's a

task how are you... Am I allowed to speak to the pet? Yeah that's the one you'd want to speak to I guess. Yeah. Yeah. You can speak to one of them and you've chosen the pet, yeah? That is, yeah, that's one of the rules, is that you can either speak to the pet or the owner but you can't speak to both of them. I think I know, hold on, can I change my answer? I will talk to the owner. But perhaps the wildest of them all, and the most popular, was Tommy Tiernan in Dublin. Main course, Tommy? I'm not interested in that question but I would like to talk about it.

My dream main course would be again, I'm not mad for meat. I prefer not to eat meat. It's not a... I'm not a vegetarian or anything. I don't buy the... I don't think you're actually eating a cow. Like it was a cow, but it's fucking not a cow now. It won't be a cow tomorrow. It'll be something else tomorrow. I wouldn't eat a cow, I wouldn't have the nerve to go up to a cow and just start eating it. I, you know, I

wouldn't do that, nobody would. Even, I wouldn't even do it to like a chicken or but once it's like what's on the plate is not the thing that was in the field. But I still don't... I would eat a chicken if it was somehow in the shape of a baby. I bet they could do that. I fucking bet they could do that. They could genetically... I would not... It would still taste like chicken but it would just be to see the other people in the restaurant going, what the fuck is he eating? You imagine that would be quite easily done. Like a plump roast chicken lying on its back would not

need that much work to look like a baby. And people will be going, what the fuck is that? I think he's eating a baby. So, let's just park that for the moment. Don't make that weird with any of your questions. OK. Sorry, I've got nothing to add there. But I would be a big fan of roast potatoes. So I love roast potatoes and like I said, a very simple taste when it comes to food.

So roast potatoes, doesn't matter how badly they're roasted, overdone, underdone, rightly done. It almost even doesn't matter what's on them. Rosemary or salt. I was gonna say, Maura Sandra Trassa. Um. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I like to pull potatoes out of the lady. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I like to pull potatoes out of the lady.

Who's this guy? Yeah. I like this guy. Puts him back in the genie bottle. I like him. Who is he? He's fucking mad, he is. What was I talking about? Rose me roast potatoes, yeah. He's fucking mad, he is. What was I talking about? Rose me roast potatoes. Yeah, so it doesn't matter. Good point of that guy.

Doesn't matter what's on the potatoes as long as they're roasted and I love them. I'd almost eat them as all the time as everything like get up in the morning and just, you know, have two. And then maybe just fucking skip lunch altogether. And then in the evening have about seven. And one going to bed. I fucking love roast potatoes and I'd like like when parsnips are roasted, little slivery kind of with that. Do you know when they're almost over roasted and they've this almost like this tail, a little little wisp of something defiantly burnt but still parsnippy. And carrots, I do roast carrots, sometimes they put a honey thing on.

I fucking discovered this popcorn recently that has blown my mind. Q's, have you heard of Q's? You have to eat these before you go back to eating. Q's, Q's. Q's. Well this episode is gonna be released audio and I Can't wait for all the tweets at Ben being like you did a mad job editing this He was talking about all the And then you just hard-cut

So the rice and then you just hard-cut about popcorn so you were gonna have to go online no no there is a link and the link is that kills do this new popcorn now I only discovered it like two or three weeks ago it's honey and sea salt fucking popcorn like these people have nothing better to be doing than just thinking the shit to put on popcorn. It is delicious. So I would... The carrots would have a kind of a... You know the carrots have a honey glaze on them sometimes. I kind of like burnt food. Yeah. I like, you know, food that's just fucking... it's like annoyed at you. That's what burnt food is, isn't it?

Yeah. Burnt food is kind of like, fuck you. Isn't it? Yeah, yeah. It's not like when you're having rashers, like a good bit of the rashers can be alright and then towards the end it's going, oh, fuck you. So I like, my main course would be mainly veg, but if possible, chicken in the shape of a baby.

Oh, thank you, Tommy. Chicken in the shape of a baby. Oh, thank you, Tommy. So many complaints. My baby. The fucking baby is like, yeah. Fucking hell, that's the most I laughed on tour, actually. I wish I could have done a bad time. Never eaten the fucking baby Here we go, this is this is my favorite category so far But overall the live tour was about having a laugh

He'd be eating a laugh, what's he writing that down for? He didn't have a laugh the whole tour He had a little smile when we were in the house Yeah a little smile, whatever things were going wrong for us he had a little smile on his face But overall the live tour was about having a laugh. Matthew Baines and Jessica Knappett, Mike Wozniak, Ian Sterling, Matthew Baines and Jessica Knappett again, Mike Wozniak and Ellis James. Do you want to hear about the Cacio e Pepe? I really do. Tell me, tell me all.

I do. I'd heard somewhere that it's like the test of a really good pastor chef is Cacio e Pepe and I had no idea why and I had never had it up to a point where I was in Los Angeles and it was the first time I'd been there and I had like a quite sort of dispiriting week of meetings with people that were aimless and didn't lead to anything. And it was like the last day of this and I came out of this meeting really, really, really early and I had a car booked for like two hours later to take me to the airport and

I was like, oh fuck, I've got nothing to do and you can't walk anywhere in LA or you can try but it will just be you and homeless people everyone else is driving but there was a restaurant like on the block so I thought oh fuck it I'll go in there and Cacio e Pepe was on the menu and I thought oh I've heard that sort of you find out if if the chef's really good and it was just amazing and after that it became a sort of thing of like anywhere where it was on the menu I wanted it. Did the chefs know that you're testing them every time you order it? I mean that's the case in any thing you order in a place isn't it? I suppose so.

The general idea is I want to like it. I guess I don't see my relationship with hospitality like that. That the chef better be on his fucking toes. It's exactly the same chef. Yeah true. I just, I kind of liked the story of it. Like, that's meant to be the one that you can... If you can nail that, you can nail anything.

And apparently it's all about the amount of like the lick, you know, the salty water that you've made the pasta in. You've got to reserve a bit of that broth. It's got to be just the right amount and just the right temperature when you add the cheese can't be too hot can't be too much you go watery too much you know not enough and it's just gonna be kind of thick and gloopy got to get it just right and it's amazing if you do every time you've had a catch a pepe in a restaurant do you walk into the kitchen afterwards and go, you passed the test. You are the chef. I think on that occasion, the first one I'd had, I did actually say, can you tell the

chef that was incredible? That's good. I don't think I've ever done that, you know. Compliments to the chef. Please tell the chef. Now who's the asshole in the restaurant? They know. The thing is, when you guys go to a restaurant now, they must be thinking that.

You're like, you must be treated like food critics now. Is that true for you, James? Yes. Every time I go to a restaurant, especially if it's a dessert, Yeah. The place we went to today, the person came out, the chef, and said, I listened to Off Menu. Thank you. He went, two Tim and Masseuse. Well, actually, he said two Tim and Masseuse. And my dad went, two, please.

That's just reminded me of a time I was at a cafe with Ben Wilbond, who's the mother of the ghosts gang. Does he believe in ghosts? You'll have to ask him. And we ordered some food and the waitress when she came over put the plates in front of us and went, a couple of tarts. And it was that on the edge that to this day it still comes up. Do you think she meant? Yeah.

There was just momentary eye contact. Couple of tarts. She must just push it further and further every day, I think. I think she's trying to get fire going. To clarify, we had ordered tarts. Yes. That's an important... I probably should have said that.

We had ordered tarts. She didn't put down Cacio e Pepe and go, couple of tarts. Just go, couple of tarts. Couple of fucking slags. Does she mean to do that? We have a similar thing in my family that we still talk about. Because years ago we went to, we used to live in Banbury and we went back there as a family

just to like, you know, old stomping around. Went to this tea room, ordered a round of Banbury cakes, what Banbury's famous for. There's one lady working there, like, oldest lady you've ever seen. And she brought out all the Banbury cakes and we're on a circular table. And she gave them to us. And then my brother was the fire end.

So she went, she went, here's your Banbury cake, and then farted so loud. And then like claimed it as well. So she went, here's your bamboo cake. Pardon me. Is that now what you say when you... Yeah, here's your bamboo cake. It's still a thing in my household. That should be funny.

Do you say it before you fart? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Because also she was looking dead at him. Yeah. Here's your bamboo cake. Fuck, it was so disrespectful. My mum was like crying with laughter. She hadn't even left the table yet because she's a really slow old lady.

So she's still like doddering round to leave and my mum was streaming. I'm gonna spend the rest of this conversation fixated on trying to fart. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You won't be the first guest. There's no, and there's no doubting what happened there. It's not like the couple of tart situation. That lady fart farted she said excuse me and then she left the day yeah there's no there's no going to cheer him yeah but no but the analogy would be if she meant to say here's your Banbury cake if she meant to call it that but this will be funny yeah here's your Banbury cake and fart. And I'm guessing she didn't. Guessing that she didn't.

We all just thought it was very funny, apart from my dad was very straight-faced and looking at us like, there's nothing funny about this. Because your dad can't focus on anything if someone puts a fucking pudding down in front of him. Yeah, he's like, the cakes are here, it's a no laughing matter. Every time there's a pause is the perfect... Yeah. You could just do a big fart now. No, I can't.

I haven't got one. Give it time, man. Do it time. Feel free. Actually, if you want to know, we've sort of hacked the hell of family cooking, which is that we have pretty much the same meal on the same day every week. Yes. I'd say you've created a new hell. Okay, so tell me honestly if this sounds like hell, and I don't mind if the answer is yes.

Macaroni Monday. Jess, you just said it like you hate it. And I don't mind if the answer is yes macaroni Monday You just said it like you hate it Was actually smug Jess, oh sorry is this fat macaroni Monday or just normal macaroni you can have it no It's little macaroni and cheese. Yeah mac and cheese macaroni Monday. Are they all gonna be alliterative? We tried they're all gonna be alliterative? We tried. Taco Tuesday? Yeah obviously. Taco Tuesday that's great. Yeah. What do you think Wednesday is? Oh, walnut whips. That's what you'd have in your house. Yeah, walnut whip Wednesday. I'd say it's alliter literative what can we do Wednesday Wednesday no it sounds like does anyone want to have a guess yeah

wings wings a great shout have you not thought about wings no someone suggested well it's a wellington a wellington every week would be a real... That's very labour intensive, a Wellington. Wellington a week. Wine! Wine. It's actually wedges. I don't know why Smug Jess is back. Smug Jess appears to live in an American bar. It's actually wedges.

Mac and cheese, tacos actually wedges mac and cheese tacos yeah we sort of do live in American yeah playing pool and stuff to keep their first days was no I guess yes you must keep going must keep going we've got wedge Wednesday you have wedges every Wednesday yeah yeah it's sort of, we'll have like a meat thing. We basically just have like meat and two veg. But meat and veg and wedge. Meat and veg and wedge. So wedges don't constitute the whole meal.

But wedges will make an appearance. Yeah, we know that the wedge is going to make an appearance. I have to be in there because it's Wednesday. Even though the main bit of the meal changes. Yeah, we know that the wedge is going to make an appearance. It has to be in there because it's Wednesday. Yeah. Even though the main bit of the meal changes every week. It has to be served with wedges because it's Wednesday. But James, you don't understand until you have to cook for, like, people that don't really eat, you know, a six- really eat you know a six-year-old and a one-year-old it's destroyed cooking for me I mean no offense to them

all bread yeah but you can't just it's so hard to think like you know you've you've been working all day and you just, the hardest part is thinking, what shall I make for tea? Yeah. But that's, I guess my point would be maybe make the main bit of the meal, the bit that repeats every week and not the side. Because it won't be alliterative, James. I know that. Because you are still having to decide what you cook every every Wednesday on you. Yeah, Wednesday's actually when Wednesday's come around. It's It's not great. When could you could you bring in wings? Maybe we

Wedges wings and wedges every Wednesday. Yeah, that's actually a really good idea. Thank you How's the one-year-old gonna deal with wings? Yeah, right. I feel like in Jetta's defense you really set her up there Yeah, you talked her into wings and then you went ha ha got your motherfucker There's a one-year-old in play you forgot that well, I was just thinking I don't know about one-year-olds But I don't know I can't imagine a one-year-old eating a wing. I can't imagine that rotating it No, we're gonna we're gonna be yeah, we're gonna be peeling the meat off the wing. Actually, she didn't eat chicken We're gonna be yeah, we're gonna be peeling the meat off the wing actually she didn't eat chicken

Tricky what's Thursday Thursday? I'm interested to see if you've gone for a t sound or an F sound here Well, cuz Thursday sounds so it's an hour. Yeah, sit out loud. I hate to tell you this Thursday yeah, you say Thursday wrong Thursday yeah Thursday Thursday Thursday Thursday okay a TH noise then yeah sorry well yeah okay well I don't feel like that is being pinnacoty that is just it just does start with a TH well technically there's an R at the end of bar start bastard Well, I can't get you on that you're saying it right bastard he's wrong That's great think us Thursday's great Sorry James Fincin Crust Thursday.

I would say Thin Crust Thursday. Yeah, I know you would. So we're sticking with the bar food, aren't we? Not on Fish Friday! Fish Friday, that's very traditional. That's great. Yeah, that is traditional. Is it fish and chips?

Which sometimes it will be, yeah. Yeah. Ever go Fish and Wedges on Wednesday and then Fish and Wedges on Friday. Well, yeah, sometimes that has hit us With magical rights were in the magical. Yeah, so I can it can I upgrade sparkling to sort of? fizzy lifting water We are we going like from challenge of a place is your lifting water Because presumably, I'm on my own in the restaurant, is how I've always imagined. Whatever you want.

Is that right? If you want that, if you want to be alone. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So why does the fizzy lifting water directly tie into the fact you're alone? Because you don't want anyone else to experience the fizzy lifting water.

Well, two reasons. One, there's like, I've got a bit of time to kill before the food comes lifting water? Well, two reasons. One, there's like, I've got a bit of time to kill before, you know, the food comes, right? Yeah. So if you've got a bit of time to kill, why not kill it flying? And secondly, there's obviously the indignity of how you dissent with the fizzy lifting drink.

And I'd rather that was in primates. We all know what happens when you do things like that. It's a mess. But they burp, don't they? Yeah, they burp. In the movie, they burp. In the book, I think it's, I think in the book, even they, I think an umpa-lumpa dies during the testing process.

Is that great? Do people remember that? I'm pretty sure an umpa-lumpa is accidentally, they haven't got the dose right and they accidentally fire an umpa-lumpa into space. I don't know why all these wokeys have edited Roald Dahl. Kids would love that stuff. Wow. Is that right? I may have misremembered that. It goes into space and it dies. He's, well, I think he's presumed dead. Yeah. They don't come with a dead... He's launched. He passes through outer orbit, and then after, I think after that, it's, after that your chances are slim.

I mean Wonka's a rich guy, isn't he? He's not going to spend any money on trying to get that. He's already, yeah, he's got a lot of overheads, doesn't he, though? That's the thing. It stacks up. Yeah. And he always gave the impression

that the impalumpas were willing, but that's, I'd quite like to see the impompa Loompas perspective on that situation. Do you think it'll be fun flying for the first time completely alone? Do you think it might be more fun to fly with other people? Your wife and children? Yeah. Because Charlie Bucketts with his grandpa, isn't he? The problem is I'm quite risk of risk averse generally in life.

So I think if I was with my wife and children, I'd be worried about one of them sort of going off into an electricity pile or something like that. Do you know what I mean? Or finding their way into the wrong end of a chinook. And I kind of. I think for go one, I'd at least go solo. I mean, trust me, my wife, she's up to her what she's, you know, that's fine

Do you know what I mean? But it's nice to flesh out what's in your dream restaurant as well, Mike We've got electricity pylons and a Chinook flying overhead Yeah, yeah, I very much imagined it on the sort of Wiltshire sort of armaments testing grounds sort of armaments testing grounds yeah please but revolving right it is revolving yeah yeah sure yeah of course great he wouldn't want your grandfather to fly with you what's that? well Charlie Bucket has his grandfather all right my grandfather well he's long dead my friend

yeah but this is the dream restaurant, Mike. The dream restaurant. We can bring him back to life or... But it's not the Necromancer's restaurant, is it? Can be. I'm quite happy. I mean, I'm missing, but I'm happy to let bygones be bygones. Yeah. That would be awful if you brought your grandad back to life and then he went immediately into the blades of a chinook.

LAUGHTER It's so great to see you go, BWAH! Grandbaba! LAUGHTER That was twice as well, that's two razor blades. LAUGHTER A coarse mincing and then a fine mincing immediately afterwards.

There's no coming back. Plata-plata. Flung into the... Yeah. And then you're not getting sparkling water because I'm not a king. I'm only the king. I've got a mate called **** and I remember what... I've never forgot it. When we were at a stag do once when I was like 24 young

Marriage it's ended now, obviously. I Was gonna ask you how did it work for the car they never want don't get married it's relevant to the story I'd like to know if it ended in divorce or not I feel like if we just sat here in silence and watched you you just tell us every single secret Yeah, you're you just tell us every single secret. Yeah, you're a journalist's dream. Ian was telling us earlier that he's got to do promo for his tour, like we all do. And now we're having this interview with you. I think you should have a PR person in the room with you while you're doing the interview, because literally all they have to do

is ask you one question and sit back, and you'll have yourself cancelled in five minutes. minutes Now I hate to break it to you, but after BBC leads three years ago, that is what happens His name's no wait, no, it doesn't my is doesn't matter but it's our name Is this the groom that was a groom? Yeah, he got married at 24 He said he got married too young and everyone's presents were shite because they were skin. That's why you shouldn't get married when you're young. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is we're at the stag do and the couple next to us ordered sparkling water and my friend said... What? His name's changed? No, this is another person coming up I guess does something yeah there's you

about the table right it's a young stag dude loads people that's the one benefit of getting married young is loads people come to the stag do. So we've got you who else we got on the stag? Who's there? Fucking hell, how old? Yeah well mate. He's 36 now, he watches for a c**k. Actually I can't say. No, no way, no can we actually take that out? Yeah sure. Can we actually take that out? Don't complete that sentence in your head. That's worse. We can take it out the recording, Ian, but you do know these people... No, no, they're fine. They'll forget. You know we don't have a men in black machine. We can't... Oh, I wish. So bad we had men in black machine.

So, B****. There's loads of other... Do you want me to go for everyone? Yes. B**** in their name. B****. Yeah. B**** is the only English one, but he's ginger, so it's allowed s*** in their name. Yeah. S*** is still an English one, but he's ginger so it's allowed. LAUGHTER

So... S***. LAUGHTER Right, finally, he was a... he's self-employed now. LAUGHTER I'll bet. Because he went on a stag do, but then he stayed in Morbea for a week. After, and they sacked him.

Is this a different stag do? Or the same one? That's a different one. Yeah. Different one. That wasn't even math. So it wasn't this one where you were- I didn't even know that one. That was a friend of a friend.

Okay. It's amazing that storytelling is essentially your career Ian, because- I'm more one-liner voiceover out of sight these days. So let's come- Right. He sees that the couple- It's not worth it.

Long story short- Trust me... It's not worth it. Long story short... Trust me, this has been worth it. Got annoyed that they'd ordered sparkling water. Yes. And they said, what is the noise about that? And he went, I don't know, I can't put my finger on it, it just annoys me. And then that's when my friend said, yeah, I bet they go on holiday in Dubai. So not worth it. Fucking brilliant. So now every time I see someone drinking Sparklemore I think, oh I bet you're going holiday in Dubai. Also I just love that we

heard about so much other stuff and the story you've chosen is probably the least interesting night out you and your friends have ever had. We've had some mad ones like... But this was just so much I still love it and every time I see us an Ethiopian stall I'm just fucking there. There was a period we were writing ghosts and we were right next to a place where there were food stores and I just had it every day and never got tired of it. But I would love to not have ever tasted it before. Can I ask a technical question about this? Yeah.

So we can definitely do that. I think that Jeannie can do that. I can make sure you've never tasted it before. Hence erasing your memory of ever eating the Ethiopian food. Yeah. So how are you picking it for your dream menu if you can't remember it? Pfff. Laughter Wow. I'm gonna tattoo it on my body.

Yeah. Pick Ethiopian. And you think you can interpret that message? I think, I just think... Pick Ethiopian food. On the off-menu. On the off-menu podcast. For your main.

Yes. I mean, it's probably more of a back piece. Yeah. I mean, well, I don't really need... I just ordered it, didn't I? And then I evade your memory after, so you're talking to men in black, yeah? So yeah, I've ordered it up front, and then when the food comes, you erase my memory. So when the food comes, you go, what the fuck is that? Yeah. Wow, it smells... I go, what's that? It smells amazing. Yeah.

And then I eat it for the first time. And I'm... I'm in heaven. Thank you very much. I'm gonna be sneaky though, when I erase a memory of the... I'm also gonna make it so you don't know who your kids are. Fuck! Didn't say he wasn't an evil genie. Now I've listened to this podcast quite a lot. I've not known the genie to do that sort of thing.

I'm mischievous sometimes. I think I'll remember them from the bread course. Maybe, well yeah, at the start of this you said genius don't exist. So now I'm teaching you a lesson. Shit. There'll be some good Ethiopian food, man. Here's the thing though, what you've said about Ethiopian food, I relate to 100%.

It's so amazing. It's incredible. I've never had a bad version of it, ever. Every time I see an EPOP restaurant it's always that good. Yeah. And the first time I had it, it was like mind-blowing. Yeah. I was in Amsterdam, my friend took me there, there's a place on the corner and I remember like having it and being like well this is all I'm gonna want now from now on. Yeah. It's so good. I don't know what it is. I think I just like, there were foods that I'd had before that resemble some of those dishes but the spice, the combination of spices is different and it's, I just love it. The

bread's wild as well. Yeah. Spongy, slightly sour bread. Yeah. Putting everything on top of the bread. They're like the, yeah. Because I've seen it in restaurants where you just get a massive bit of bread and everyone is sitting around the bread and everything's on top. And you all just get involved. I mean that stresses me out in terms of sharing. Fair enough. If I'm doing that, I'm eating as quickly as possible to get to the middle of the bread.

I'm like just taking stuff from other people's. You don't like to share, do you? No, no, no, no. You don't want to order your own. It's good food for a date as well because you eat the bread, you go in, it's like Lady and the Tramp but you just end up shaking hands. We're not going to go there, are we? Ed's manager's on the rocks.

A lovely grape meal, thank you. So take us through what's actually on there. Well, it's part of the thing for me. This is probably an awful confession of ignorance, but I just love that. I don't really... This is the other thing I like. One of the things I like to do when I go out is order food that I can't make. And this is definitely in that category because I couldn't even tell you what the fuck it is. There's like, there are like, lentil based, stew type things, is that a what? Is that a what? Is that a what? There's definitely something called what?

I think you're thinking... Europe once. Yeah, yeah. There's something called a what. And the bread is called ingera, I know that. Yeah. Fuck, we really haven't raised your memory of it, haven't we? After that, I don't know. There's a cabbage-y thing that's incredible. Yeah. It's just all nice stuff. I should have probably learned a bit about it when I was preparing to pick it for a live podcast at the Royal Albert Hall. Dream side dish, Matt? This is gonna be chips. Do you want me to erase your memory?

No, but I'd like you to reinstate the memory of my two dear kids Here's the thing I'm gonna do that, but I'm but thanks to you. I'm gonna put two other people's kids in the head of you Think they're your kids You want to give some honorable munchings you gave a lot of shout outs to different breads earlier Feel free to give a shout out because because no offence for the other drinks of course, so... Yeah, don't want to offend any of the other drinks. Give them some shout outs. I never shouted out the bread that I've been making.

No. Is anyone else doing Zoe? LAUGHTER Yes, but don't tell the wine. LAUGHTER Yes, but don't tell the wine. Good stuff. The thing is, you're a great comedian and everyone's like, oh James is so interesting, he does like new types of comedy, but that is what you're good at.

Proper comedy. On musical stuff. Musical stuff, it's just a bit sexist but in a fun way. Yeah, well most sexism is fun. Yeah. Oh no, I've ended up... I'm the one who's clickbait now. So, Zoe, are you talking about the patch in your arm that tells you how your body reacts to different foods so you can then change your diet based on the spike in the blood sugar levels that you get

from certain foods tell me Jess did you miss being diabetic because I'm fucking fed up of this is oh he's shit these fake ass diabetics is it is stealing the thunder of the diabetic not suggesting that I have any thunder from being diabetic, but it's quite difficult to maintain a blood sugar level as a diabetic. And I would argue that as a non-diabetic, you don't need a Zoe patch because you have what I like to call a working fucking pancreas. LAUGHTER CHEERING

I agree with Ed because I'm an ally. LAUGHTER Are you doing Zoe? The thing is Ed, as someone who had gestational diabetes... I don't have gestational diabetes. Is that when it's just in your hands? That is fucking brilliant I've got some diabetic gigs I can book you for with that without sort of stuff man I've got 10 seconds of material go down the store. I don't think the catering will be what you're normally excited for but yeah yes you have had gestational diabetes. No I don't there's no point now is there that's as good as it's gonna get. But you are doing are you doing Zoe? Well because there's a thing where it's like if did you get the diabetes because you are a bit more prone to it and then you're gonna get it or you know did you get it and it's gone forever

You know there is that was it the pregnancy that made you a bit diabetic Were you always stop gesturing to me when you asked about pregnancy not pregnant. It's just the way I'm sad Anyway, I was just I was curious and I did it and it did say I've got bad blood sugar, poor blood sugar. Right, based on what you're eating? Based on, yes, but even like I don't, despite what I've just described, I don't actually just go to McDonald's all the time, only some of the time. And I think I am quite a healthy eater generally, but what I've realised is, there's loads of stuff that I thought was healthy that isn't,

and I now don't eat it as much because of that. But bread is one of them. Yes, bread will spike blood sugar levels. Yeah, so there's this amazing bread, oh God, yeah, I cannot believe I'm talking about this actually. Please. Especially during the drink course

This is a regressive shout out you've gone back now We've gone back to China and back to bread It's just that it's really it really has been a revelation and I love it so much The bread you've made the bread bread is It's made out of seeds and it's only made out. It's it's just seed said and James Just nice to be included I guess It's seeds it's psyllium husk. Cheers see you paid off and I'm a didn't he? What is it? It's the fuck it is this is this the spirit of Brucey?

His ashes are down there If you're wondering what the joke is Brucey's ashes they they're under the floor side stashes are under the stage Did you not know that? Bruce Four-Side Sasshers are under this stage. What? Yeah. That is true. People don't know that.

You can Google that. Yeah, that's true. That is true. Yes, really. You can keep on saying really. They were put there by the quest. That's not how he died. He wasn't trapped under the...

He was burnt to death. I didn on saying really. They were put there by request, it's not how he died, he was trapped under the... He was burnt to death. Didn't hear that. ... below the stage of the London Palladium. FUCKING LET ME OUT! That didn't happen. He died, he was cremated, and he wanted to be under the stage of the Palladium, it meant a lot to him. So that's why I'm coming up with this. That's why James is on good form. Absolutely brilliant gear right now. seeds psyllium husks yeah look anyway well let's just let's just crack on shall we okay your dream main course Mike this is quite tricky oh I bet it is but it does

need some genie help oh yeah be nice for you to finally use the Genie in this meal, Mike. I've got a backup dish, if required there's a backup dish. Great. But the main dish is I want what they're having, please. What I mean by that is when I do, I don't go out to restaurants very often and I do have a nice little time and I try and be a good boy and I try and be... You try and be a good boy? I try and be a good brave boy and I try and you know... It's important to try new things, yes?

So if there's something I don't know what it is I'll normally give it a go, that kind of stuff. And I'll make the order and I think great, we'll have a little experience see what that is you know we'll just you know we'll just I'm quite happy to buy a pig in a poke basically when it comes to a restaurant I'm quite happy to buy a pig in a poke a pig in a poke okay yeah yeah yeah but an order hang on well I just assume it's a phrase. Well, yeah, but what? What? It's a well established phrase, no?

Thank you, Mum. That's five people in 2000. Like, um, buying a pick and a poke. Just repeat the phrase by all means. So normally you don't want to buy a pig in a poke. It's how it would normally be used. Mike, we do not know what a pig in a poke is. What is a pig in a poke?

Well the pig is standard pig. Pig is the pig. Not your cat. No, who's called pig. Who's called pig, but a pig. Yes. And a poke I think was like a sort of bang or something. So it'd be the idea of buying a pig. So in a bag? In ye olden times. Yeah. I see. It must have been, it must have been a problem at some stage. Where pig mongers were going around the place. Yeah. Door to door and saying do you want to buy a pig? Yeah, I'm interested in a pig. How much for the pig? Fiver. Here you go it's in this poke and then they'd give you the poke

you know which had some weight to it and you'd get in and you'd open up your poke thinking oh great we've got a pig now that's great news and they'd just be you know rocks. There'd be rocks, there'd be some wet straw. A third example, please. A broken pallet of cereal bars. But there would have been a pig. And the pig salesman would be long gone. So the advice would be don't buy a pig in a pallet. It's a cautionary tale.

It would have been a cautionary tale and another cautionary tale that eventually became an idiom. But you're using the idiom to say you do want to buy a pig in a poke. I am issuing that advice, yeah. But you're comparing this to being in a restaurant and while you're in a restaurant you will buy a pig in a poke. So you will order something knowing that it is not what it says it is on the menu. And then it's a plate of wet straw. I'm willing to take that risk, yes. And I would also take the risk of if there was a main course where it was just, you know, mystery poke. You know, mystery... Mike has pronounced poke, eh?

Okay. Okay. Mystery bag of food. Then I'd probably go, I'll go for the mystery bag of food please. So you'll just... Yeah, okay. I get it now. You mean you'll just roll the dice, have whatever comes. I wish to be surprised normally. But you don't want to be tricked by the pigmonger. No. I mean in day to day life, no.

But I mean I'm willing to take the risk in a restaurant setting Yeah, I'm not gonna be presented with a plate of wet straw so But you're the first thing you said was your main course is you'll have what they're having yes Even though you did specify at the beginning that you will be alone for this meal That's true, but the there that there bit, what there had. What there had. What there had. I want there had. You want what there had.

I want there had. Because inevitably when I do order the thing, whatever the thing may be, like enough time has passed that you can't change. But then almost every time I go to a restaurant, five minutes after the time has passed that you can't change. But then almost every time I go to a restaurant, five minutes after the time has passed to change your order, like the kitchen doors are booted open. All of the staff have been corralled to deliver this dish to another table.

And there are flames gushing from everywhere, steam, smoke, sirens, everyone's oooing, and someone breaks out into the national anthem. It's that level of like the fuss. You know, the sort of burning griddle pans, people with special gloves, all this kind of stuff is happening. Trollies, things are on wheels, things are coming down from the ceiling, spaces, like tables being kicked over to make enough space for this extraordinary dish and everyone's applauding and that's, I mean, I want that, what's that? Yeah.

This is your starter but you don't think it represents who you are necessarily. Salmon shishimi with pickled ginger. I thought for a long time about barbecue spare ribs from a Chinese restaurant because that is one of those meals that when the spare ribs come out you're like we're having a good time now but you have said that about every food we've talked about yes I love rocket so I was thinking of like rocket and gran padano cheese maybe just rocket I love rocket yeah but to be honest... Love rocket sounds like a name for a dick or something. What I really want, as much as I like sashimi, salmon, sashimi and ginger, what I

really want is like a big plate of sausages. But for the table. That is it. You came alive when you said that. Fuck this salmon chassimi bullshit. Big plate of sausages. You clearly want a big plate of sausages. We were in... have you ever been to Betty's Tea Rooms in Yorkshire? Popular, I've never been.

You've never been? Have you ever been? Yeah, in where? In, there's four of them. Is there one in Harrogate? Yeah, I've been to the Harrogate one. There's one in Ilkley, North Alfredton, I can't remember, York maybe? York, right. They're all in Yorkshire. That's the county. Big fan of your puddings in Yorkshire. It's like it's a 45 minute wait to get in. Yeah. And it's been there since about 1911 so the waiters and waitresses are dressed like it's just before the First World War. So you love it obviously. Yeah, absolutely. You're dressed as a baby, scooping in the lava baguette. I was there at the weekend and my daughter had sausage, beans and chips and I finished her sausages. But because she'd finished, I mean I wasn't...

Look over there, yoink. Yeah, yeah. No, it wasn't like, well I paid for them so technically they're mine. It was none of that. But they were really nice sausages. And after the second or third bite, I just thought to myself, why am I not eating these three times a day, every day? And then I thought, all right then, I'll mention that for my starter. A big plate of sausages. So what kind of sausages are these?

Because there's a lot of different types of sausages. But these bog-standard, straightforward banners. Bog-standard sausages. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I would eat a sort of pork and leek, but really it's like a Cumberland sausage. The kind you would buy in a newsagent. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Newsagent sausages. But they're cooked to perfection. So dark brown like in Fireman Sam. You know when Elvis is burning the sausages? Just before the point he's at. There. Those are the sausages I want on a big plate, but for the table. And do you want any sauce or does that get in the way of the sausages? Er, ketchup.

Yeah, so ketchup, but... Did you say Fireman Sam was making them, or did I mishear that? In the original opening titles, Elvis, who's very bad at cooking, is trying to fry some sausages and he's burnt them. But he's actually not burnt them drastically. He's not far off. So I think to myself, he's actually a minute less and he's basically made perfect sausages there.

So I want a minute less than Elvis and Fireman Sam's sausages for the table. But do you want Elvis to cook them? Do you want Elvis and Fireman Sam to cook them for your dreams? Well I think he'll fuck them up, wouldn't he? So I want him to be there. So he can learn. But then for someone with a steady hand on the tiller to go, no, no, no, no, no, no, now is that take them off now.

Was your daughter excited that you were doing this podcast? Yeah, I forgot about this. I told her yesterday. How about your daughter? She's nine. I said, I'm doing quite a big show tomorrow night. Do you know her? I said, I'm doing quite a big show tomorrow night. She went, oh yeah. I said, yeah, I'm doing a live podcast with Ed Gamble and James Acaster. And she went, Ed Gamble? I said, and she's met James lots of times, right? I don't think she's met, I don't think you've met.

No, not properly, no. at gamble I said yeah she went Ed's gamble I said yeah she went oh my god everyone at Brownies has got a crush on Ed Gamble everyone at Brownies I said I said I said what about James Acas issue in oh he's been mentioned why you didn't tell us that he's been mentioned good to know I'm in the conversation you're part of the conversation because she went on a brownie camp but her tent flooded. So she was put in with much, much older brownies. And they just talked about... She said it was boring. They just talked about sex and crushes and Ed Gamble.

LAUGHTER I love that you said they were much older brownies, as if that makes it any better. LAUGHTER Don't worry, they were much older brownies as if that makes it any better They were much older brownies But you're part of the conversation James yeah, yeah, you are absolutely part the conversation I'm part of the call. Yeah, they're talking about it when they're waiting for their time to be put back up Yeah, I don't know if here fancy James A. Custer? That's gonna be fine. Man, I absolutely love the brownies having a crush on you. Yes, yes.

It's so funny. Very funny. You were in the conversation. I remember that, I was in the conversation. Much appreciated. That's pretty much it for 2024, Ed. We'll be back in the new year with a new series, and perhaps some more surprises, who knows.

And listen, if you come into the London Palladium shows in March, we can't wait to see you there. We'd like to leave you with an important message from Lucy Beaumont. Here's her gravy manifesto. Because I really like, like real deep savoury flavour. I really, really like gravy. No, respect. What's happened? What did I do? What did I say? No respect. What's happened? What did I do?

What did I say? No. What? No, you're fine. You don't seem happy. You're absolutely fine. No, we're very happy with your love of gravy. Yeah.

It's a troublemaker. What's gone on? It was a troublemaker. I tried to suggest that the secret ingredient that would get you kicked out the restaurant should be gravy we overruled it we overruled it's not the booze you should have heard the booze in here oh I bet who is northern no but the thing is since we've had an Atari government in power... I can't even think what that cheers for. You don't even know where this is going.

She might be about to say the gravy's got much better. No, that's... No, what I mean is, if you've noticed, gravy's got much better no that's no what I mean is if you've noticed gravy's got worse that's true that's what Andy Burnham says as his co-host has all campaigned yeah the change of pace there almost made my neck snap that was yeah Lucy, I'm not no fan of the Tory government myself, but I would be interested to hear how and why you think the gravy's got worse under the current government. Because gravy's love and, erm... No, hang on.

Guys, this is the problem. This is why the left's never gonna get back on top if we keep just applauding platitudes like Gravy's Love. This might fly in Toby Carpenter, Lucy. So Gravy's Love. And people don't care anymore. Who are we talking about specifically? No, because we've been made to believe there's no such thing as society anymore. We've lost some important morals and one of them is making gravy. But gravy, in the good blairs.

Blair years. Before. We're talking priorac. Before we were. In those ones where it made things can only get better. There was lots of Shaw Start centres. The beginning ones, the first few years, there was, I can remember you'd go places and gravy was like nectar. No, it was. No, because it wasn't, now it's something, and it's about pride. And because now it's just, it's just mostly packet gravy and what they used to do is they made the gravy, get this, weeks before they made the Sunday dinner and just mean at home I mean anywhere you went. Anywhere we went? Anywhere you went. Then the stock would be made weeks in advance. Yeah.

And they would put... Awful. Not awful. They... They would put things in it that would condense down and down over time. Yeah. But now you're saying, because of the Tory government... The Italians, right?

Okay, well... The Italians still... No, listen, when they... Oh, I'm listening. No, listen, when they make a tomato sauce, they don't get it out of a packet. No, famously left-wing government as well. But I don't mean that's not political, what I mean is that we need to take pride in gravy again. Yeah, that's a good point to end on for sure. We do need to take pride in gravy again. Can't wait to see Lucy at the next Pride March.

on a gravy float so Lucy I hate to push you if it cut me do I not bleed I hate to push you 40 minutes in but what's your starter Jesus Christ it is 40 minutes in I'm sorry don't you be sorry. No. That gravy monologue... Manifesto. Manifesto. I will... That will be... It's a manifesto.

Manifesto. The gravy manifesto. The gravy Manabisto. I will... Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Manabesto. I get the feeling that when I'm very, very old and maybe I have dementia, that will be one of the only things I remember.