Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Best of 2024: Part 1

Episode Date: December 26, 2024

Another year at the Dream Restaurant comes to an end. Here’s part one of the most delicious clips from 2024. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Benito, James Acaster here. I forgot to record an advert for my new special, Hector's Welcome, which is going to be on Sky, Now TV and HBO Max. It's on all of those right now. I'm very proud of it. Can you put this at the beginning of the next episode so that people know the special is out please because I'd like them to know. Okay, I hope you're having a good day. Bye. across Canada who are exploring global issues that affect girls' lives and choices and how they relate to Canadian youth. Tune in to season three of the She Soars Podcast for more hot topics and inspiring speakers from around the world

and discover ways we can all take action. Her rights, her voice. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts. Well hello and happy Boxing Day if you're listening to this on Boxing Day in any year. Yes, happy, I guess any day you're listening to this on. Yes, happy that day even if it has a name. They all have names, don't they? Happy last day of the world. Happy Monday. Maybe some of you listen to it on apocalypse day. It's time to wrap up another year's service at the Dream Restaurant. 2024 has been a big year for Off Menu. We released a whopping 57 episodes, discovered that Sebastian Stan really loves pranks and Danny Dyer swore more

than all of our previous guests combined But he told all this. Yes. This is the script. This is we're reading it for make verbatim. It's what Benito wrote Yes, which is that my favorite thing every year? Yeah, it is is reading what he's written Yeah on the best of welcome to part one of our favorite clips from the last 12 months of off-menu episodes expect sparkling in italics he's put that. Conversation, delicious jokes and bread loads is put brackets like shed loads of food chat. Actually, Benito didn't write that bit. That was all James. That was Benito.

Now it's time for our first section of the best of, it's national treasures. Let's start this year's best of by digging for trash. It says trej. Trej. It says trej. By digging for trej. We've had National Trejers aplenty in the Dream Restaurant this year. Danny Dyer, Jessica Hines, Peter Capaldi, Natalie Cassidy, Darren Brown, Rick Astley and Ray Winston. That is mad.

Whoa. I love a roast because we all sit around the table and blank each other. But at least we've made the effort to sit around the table. So I never, when I cook for the kids, they always have different things, so I can never really cook them the same thing, which is the beauty of an air fryer. You know, so I ain't got to fuck about putting two things in an oven. You know, like my boy who loves them little frozen pizzas. If I was to make him one, like fresh,

he won't be going, I don't want it. I got my fucking, I bought a pizza oven outside, it's cost me five grand. Right? When you're not gonna eat it. No, I want the little frozen ones. He's going, fucking hell. What have I brought up here?

What have I dragged up? The tip to the little frozen ones is, you get your air fryer sort of squirt and you just squirt it on the top. Just to give it a nice little bit of... What are you squirting in there? The oil. Right, okay.

Bit of oil on the top. Just so it goes a little bit browner. Because they're horrible, them frozen pieces. Like the Chicago Town ones. You can never get them right. Not yet, Chicago Town ones, that's it. Chicago Towns, all that bit. And then there's just these fucking bland fucking, especially the four

cheese one that he likes. It's one cheese. There's no way in the fucking world there's four cheeses on it. So now and again, there's a Katsu curry one which, fucking hell. But so it will have a pepperoni. Sometimes it'll have a cheese and a pepperoni. You know, just to mix it up. And I'll just do some fries in here, fry, and that's him done. Chop up a bit of cucumber to make me feel better. Yeah. See him sort of gnaw around that because he won't really eat veggies and stuff. Yeah.

My daughter, she's 17. She's a little bit more open with food. It has to be certain things, certain pastas. You know, like pasta's the same thing, isn't it? Not the new pasta, I'm talking about dried pasta. It doesn't matter what fucking shape it is, it tastes the fucking same doesn't it? But it has to be, if I do a vodka pasta, it has to be the little farfelli, the dicky boes. And I'm sorry to say this, but it's that they're a cunt to get hold of. You know, like penne, sweet rigatoni, you can get hold of the Fugilier. All over the place. But the fucking Farfellie, it's got to be a certain gaff, you've got to get it. There's another one, the Shells, it begins with a C.

Cong, Cong, yeah, I know, I know. They're like little pockets of love now. You do them with a Bolognese, you know, it's a beautiful thing. They're great because they catch loads of sauce, right? They catch the fucking, yeah, little pockets, it's just, you know, it's beautiful, but it's got to be farfetched. So, I've done that for yesterday anyway. So, for the rest of the week, I've got to try and come up with, I bought a fucking magnet for the fridge, right?

Menu magnet. But what we're going to do, we're going to write down what you want to eat all week so I can get it all in order. No one's fucking gone near it at all. They're not interested in it. So every morning I go, what do you want me to do tonight? Just so I can get it in order.

It's just so, I don't know. I need a rough idea. Just because later when you're angry, because I've legally got a feature. There's a few things I've got to do till you're 18. Just, you know, feed ya, get you about. You basically just become a cabbie and a chef. That's the fucking two main things. The other thing is every time they turn the hot water tap on, it's got to be hot water.

When it gets cold and radiators have to work, that's the other thing. And you've got to clove them. But when they're 18, that's it. They can fuck off. So up to that point, I need to know, what the fuck do you want to eat? So, you know, it's like four different things, that's what it is. So luckily by Friday it's a takeaway. Just get away with it. So I don't know what's happening tonight. There's been no discussions when I left. So I know it's on me when I get home. What the fuck they're going to eat.

It's going to be frozen pecs. Oh, that's not in the fridge. Why didn't you get that? Because you didn't fucking tell me this morning. But I do love them. I love them very, very much. Yeah. But if you haven't got kids, there's no rush. Yeah. Dream main course. Okay. You're eating this with a spoon? You could eat, probably eat it with a spoon, but you might want a fork. Because there's something that I, we discovered, we did a lot of

tempura during lockdown. This was a thing that we did. And so this, this main course is a sort of combo of things, but one of the, I mean, maybe I suppose I could call it a side, but it's on the main plate, but it could also be a side. But when we were in lockdown, I had, um, a card that let me go to shop in the cash and carry, which I was registered for VAT. I didn't think there was a problem with it. I don't know, just maybe I'm not running soups and dips yet. Maybe I'm just in the kind of R&D stage, but still I had a cash and carry card.

So those were the only circumstances which my husband would let me panic buy because obviously cash and carry, that's the point of cash and carry, it's all panic buying. You know, it's tins and tins and tins of everything and they have big lots of everything. So it's kind of amazing. I've never been in one, but it's my dream to go. Oh my God. I can't believe that. It is so fun. Yeah, I bet. So one of the things I had there was huge tubs of artichokes. So artichokes, big solid, lovely artichokes.

So you would buy it, and it would seem like an expensive buy. It would be quite a lot of your bill, because obviously artichokes are expensive. But when you kind of worked out how much you were paying for one tub of artichoke, for literally three little slices, it worked out a bargain. You may as well. So we had quite a lot of artichokes knocking about in the house during lockdown and Tempura was kind of on the menu and then I was like artichoke tempura. Yeah, let's go there Let's go there and it was out of this world. That sounds amazing

Artichoke tempura, why wouldn't you? Because it's like the way an artichoke is there's layers and so the surface area That sounds like the beginning of a... The way way it is the way an artichoke is the way she is but so there's layers exactly so that when you kind of you know cook it like that it kind of holds its shape obviously because they were really good proper they were kind of in brine so they weren't too slimy and squidgy they were still had a little bit of crunch they were good kind of cured artichokes if you like and they work brilliantly temporary. So that would be a feature in my main course. How big was the tub of artichokes? I think we'd all like something.

Okay. Like, okay. Let me just try to think about it. Like how could I describe it in this context? I mean, I was going to say bucket, but that would be too big. So not a bucket, not a bucket, not a bucket, like a small bucket, a small, a kind of a lot, a very, very a bucket. Not a bucket. Not a bucket. Like a small bucket. Small bucket. A small, a kind of a lot, a very, very large jar. So like what you feel imagine the largest jar. Yes. Like an unreasonably large jar that you would never find in any shop. Vars? Hmm. It depends on the vase. I mean, this is. Yeah. Small vase.

So I think a few people might be listening to this and thinking that they've got a very different definition of panic buying than you have. Right. Because you panic bought a tub of art. We all remember that part of lockdown where everyone went mad and bought up all the artichokes and you couldn't find any. My husband was extremely like, like strict. So we would go, we would like about not panic buying. It was like absolutely. So he was almost so

Worried about it that we would go shopping and I would put two bags of muesli and he was a put that back put one back I was like, I think it's normal to buy two bags of music. Yeah, but he wouldn't allow even outside of a I would Buy two bags of music, but it was not allowed. I'll have to put one music every morning You don't want to buy music every single week. Yeah. Buy two bags. That makes sense. Regardless of the global health situation. If it wasn't for your, uh, wimp husband, how, how much, uh, you called him it. No, I did not call him that. He was vet. He was a good citizen.

Square. No good citizen. So it wasn't a good citizen of a husband. Thank you. How much do you think you would have bought? Do you think you would have panic bought? We don't want to. Would you have gone? No, I would have. I mean, although in some cases, when things eased, I did then buy. OK, we're still eating brown rice and and in fact, chickpeas and in fact, lentils. Do you buy the big sacks of rice? Oh yeah. It came in boxes. So yeah. So yes. I had to buy buckets so it didn't go off.

But I felt like that was okay because it's not like I'm going to the shops and then clearing. I was buying it from somewhere that wanted to sell me lentils in bulk. So does that count as panic buying? Not really. Not if you're still havoc it. It's not like, no, I guess everyone who's walking around cash and carry is probably not panicking. But I will tell you this when it all arrived, when it all arrived the first

time, my husband was like, what is this? I said, I've bought some things in bulk from you know, wholesaler stuff that I think that would be useful. And he sat down, he said, I've done the calculations. If we eat this foodstuff, we will still be eating it in seven years. He said, you are going to have to send half of this back. So I did, I did. I sent half of it back because it was just completely. Well, they probably thought you were like a survivor list or something.

Yeah. To a certain extent in that moment, I felt like that's maybe what it was. So, but anyway, so I did have to send half of it back. Sure. Luckily I've learned how to make lentil soup. So that explains why lentil soup is lentil soup again. So far every single dish has been things that you panic board in the pandemic. Toilet paper for dessert.

That was one thing we didn't panic. Yeah, that was not. I never understood that. pandemic. Toilet paper for dessert. That was one thing we didn't panic about. No, that was not. I never understood that. Never understood that. Or Hook. Hook's the other big role I think. Hook. Yeah, yeah. I've been offered that. Yeah, Hook. Because Hook you also play, but that's not panto, really. It's pita-pano. Yeah. But that's, you can do panto, pita-panto, pita-panto. I guess so. But when you play Hook, you also get to play Mr Darling. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's traditional. Yeah. There's all these traditions in Panto that you have to follow. It's also to do with how much money they've got so they can't afford

to Mr Darling. Yeah. So they get Captain Hook to play Mr Darling also. And of course, obviously Captain Hook's hook is a measure of how good the pantomime is. Oh yeah, of course. Same with the lamp. Yeah, same with the lamp, because if you get just like a plastic Woolworth's kind of hook, you know, like your Aladdin lamp here, it's not going to impress the audience very much. No, no, you need a proper sharpened hook, don't you? Yeah, and also you can obviously see the actors. Yeah. There's always that kind of knob of metal or grey plastic on top of his hand and the

hook comes out the end of that where obviously if his hand had been removed it would be spaced there so the hook would be farther up. So I don't know how you do that. The Palladium Panther, they actually remove the actor's hand. Do they? Yeah. Reattach it. Who are the stars of that this year?

I don't know who it is this year, but certainly the years I've been big names and then also regulars as well. So we're talking Clary. He's in it a lot. Love him. And Havers is in it a lot as well as this year. Nigel Havers. I've never seen anyone have a better time than Nigel Havers doing the palladium panto.

Yeah. He's having a scream that guy. Yes. He seems to have a scream most of the time. He seems a very happy fella. Do you cross paths with Havers? I don't think I have. Wow. He's got his own theater company now,

doing Private Lives with Patricia Hodge. Oh yeah. There you go. I have literally crossed paths with Havers before. Near where I used to live, I went for a run and I ran past Nigel Havers. Well, that's ironic because he first came to fame via Chariots of Fire. Yes, of course.

Very famous scene of all the young men running on the beach. Yeah. And I can see you there. Yeah. Well, I don't run as well as that. He was probably looking at me going... Was he running or did he have a croissant and a cup of coffee? It was quite some vibes.

He was strolling, had a big scarf on, that sort of thing. You can't run any, I mean, after you've been in Chariots of Fire, it's like you can't go running in public if you're Nigel Havers. Everyone starts singing that theme tune at you or whatever, you can't do it. I crossed paths with you once, Peter. Oh yeah? Yeah, asked you for directions. How was I?

It's fine if you don't remember. Was I nice or not nice? You're lovely, you knew where the place was. You gave me successful directions. I'll tell you what happened. I was going for an audition. This was many years ago. And it's at the American church on Tottenham court road. Oh yeah. And I'd never been there before. And I was a bit late and I was really panicking. Yeah. Because I didn't know where it was. And then I saw you and I thought Peter Capelli will know where the American church is.

All right. And you directed me straight there. That's fantastic. Yeah. It was the most successful bit of that day I'll tell you did you get the job? No, no No, it was five lines to play warren baity in a drama about barbara winsor's life. I can see the warren baity kind of Thing now that's what the casting director said and then I started doing the lines and she looked very disappointed And she shouldn't have I think you look I think you look like a ring a dead ringer I was on Graham Norton with

Warren Beatty. Were you? Yeah, yeah. And he was really, really nice. But he did that thing that big stars tend to do. He said to me, when you're in LA, we must have dinner. I said, yeah, of course, that'd be great. And that was it. And I thought, but how do you do that? Do I, what happens? Do I go to LA and try, cause you don't give me a card or a number or anything like that. Who did, they'll get in touch with Graham Norton and say, have you got a contact number for Warren and do I call him and does he remember, do I get

through to his people? How does that work? Do you want to go for a meal with Ed instead and pretend he's Warren? Thank you very much. Obviously I would love to. But at the moment things are really... Sure, you've got a criminal record coming up. I've got a lot of stuff to do, to do with the show and stuff. Thank you anyway. I quite like flat sparkling water though. What, like a soda water?

Like a soda water, but leaving it to go flat. Because it tastes different. We've mentioned it on the podcast before. I don't know why that when you leave sparkling water to go flat, it should just taste like still water, shouldn't it? But it doesn't. It's got its own flavor. Yeah, I don't like that. What do you think of Ed that he likes it? What do you think of Ed? I'm wondering how you got there. And I'm wondering if you had sparkling, pint of sparkling water

next to your bed that went flat and then had it and liked it. Do you remember how that happened? You know what? It might've been maybe in a hotel or something on tour where you know you go into a hotel and there might be a bottle of still and a bottle of sparkling. I'm drinking the still first of all and then I might get back later and be like I'm gonna have some water and it's sparkling, a couple of sips, oh I can't have sparkling before bed. Pop it on the bedside table, wake up in the morning, oh I need some water.

Hello. So yeah. That's him saying hello to the water. Not to like the cleaner or someone who's coming. The hotel manager. And I would, knowing me, I would say hello to the water out loud if I was by myself. Yeah, I say hello to inanimate objects quite a lot of the time. Yeah. Yeah. Can you remember some inanimate objects you said hello to? I like to do it. If I've got coats on the banister. Yeah. I'll talk to them.

I'll go, right, come on, time to get you away. Time to get you away. I love that. Because they're on the banister. So let's get them in the cupboard. I'll go, come on now. Stop hanging out on the banister. You've had your fun.

Yep. We've been out for long enough. You've had your airing. Get back in the cupboard. That's good. I'm trying to figure if I speak to any inanimate objects. Yeah, we do need to hear that. I mean, I just made...

You've got four cats though, so I think you get a lot of your to any inanimate objects. Yeah, we do need to hear that. I mean, I just made- You've got four cats though, so I think you get a lot of your talking out. Four cats. How lovely. I had a friend's day for five days recently, and that made me realize how often I say hello to the cats. It's every time I see them, I say hello to them individually by name, and I realized how much it was, not annoying my friend, but like how many must think I'm just bonkers. Yeah Constantly saying hello to them Yeah, so I won't really say hello Eliza every time I see her. Mm-hmm. Oh, hello, Joni

I don't do that, but they go mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mommy mommy mommy You're doing to your cats. Yeah. So yeah. Even in the course of one conversation. So they'll get your attention with mom. Yeah. You'll say something back and then they'll say mom again

and say something. I say mom all the time. Yeah. Yeah. I just, I don't like if my waiters point at your food. I don't like it when they get really close with their finger. Maybe this is just like a nicer restaurant thing. But has anybody else brought this one up? No, I'm not sure. We're not at the point. Okay, all right. I'm going to work alphabetically through my fingers.

So yeah, that thing with the finger when they come in, they go, this is a carrot and this is, and they're pointing and they're not actually touching the food because you can slide a sheet of paper between the fingers. But that's an annoying habit that I don't like. It's sort of like operation in the game. It's like that. Well, they hover it just above. Yeah. Have you ever been tempted to get your plate and just move it up really quickly so their

finger goes right in your foot? That's really good. You have to grab the whole table. No, you could do the whole table. No, you'd grab the plate and lift it. I haven't done that, but that would defeat the point because contamination is the risk. Yeah, but then you'd get a new one, right? You'd simply get-

But they'd be so embarrassed. How would they give you a new one if you'd take it off into their finger? I tell you who would struggle with that. Martin Freeman. He's very weak. He can't even lift a plate. Oh, he was on my show being weak. I see. I thought you were just being mean about him.

Uh, no, no. Darren Brown got to lift a plate. He couldn't lift a plate. You can just say Derren when he's in the room, James. Derren Brown put a phone on the back of his neck. He told him all stuff about crystals. He said, this is really powerful. He said, this is God. Yeah. He said, Martin, this is a really powerful phone. And then you couldn't lift the things up. He couldn't lift stuff up. He couldn't lift a pencil up. That's right. He couldn't lift a plate up. It was embarrassing. It's a plate with like a sandwich on it. That's right. You can lift a plate up. It was embarrassing. It's a plate with like a sandwich on it

That's right. God. Yes, is nice. We watched all your stuff We know it all but like yeah, I mean what we're doing something like that with something like my Martin Freeman Are you like man? You're gonna make you look so weak on TV You love it. I think anyone remembers that pop of the fact he is brilliant But I think I think anyone's ever mentioned the making Martin Freeman weak skit. That's very niche. It's a good one.

Yeah, that's great. It's a good one. Maybe he mentions it. Maybe he mentions it. I think we had him on the podcast. Maybe we did bring it up. I don't know if we brought it up or not. He was very well dressed.

Yeah. Very well dressed. It was during lockdown. He was on Zoom. So we can see his outfit really. Well, I wouldn't be surprised if he's still. Little Dickie Bower. It was during lockdown. He was on Zoom. So we're on Zoom. Well, I wouldn't be surprised if he's still a little dicky bummer. He'll still look pretty good, I bet.

But I like that your interpretation of it is, wasn't Martin Freeman embarrassed when he came out and said he was weak? But he probably just thought, oh, I'm on a Derren Brown show and Derren's done a trick on me. No, because Derren afterwards, when Derren told him all the stuff, when Derren was like, all that stuff I told you was nonsense, by the way, you could tell he was like, I'm just a weak man. In his eyes he was like, oh no. You'd give him a whole spiel about how the energy in crystals is the same as our energy in the phones.

I'm really trying to remember what it was, it was so long ago. The vibrations in the phones are the same as the vibrations in the crystals, I'm going to put it on the back of your neck now Martin, now try and lift this. It can't lift a plate. Oh, I've fooled. It can't lift a pen. Ultimately, I'm clever than you is the bottom line of anything I do. That's the take home. Especially for Martin Freeman. Stronger. Stronger man than you. Pop lobs or bread? Pop lobs or bread,

Darren Brown? Pop lobs or bread? Oh my, Jesus. The bread. I'm going for the, there's a group, I used to live not far from Dalston and there is a place there called the Dusty Knuckle and it's, do you know it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I found out many years later, they employ, I think it's people, ex-prisoners perhaps? And so, which given it's got a slightly charitable edge to it, you might expect that to sort of take the edge off the quality of the bread if anything, but it doesn't. The bread's amazing. Right, yeah, yeah. It's still bread focused and charity focused.

It's phenomenal. Yeah, exactly. So I fell in love with that when I lived in London. Haven't had it for a while, but their sourdough. Of late, I've discovered, I've been in Bristol a lot recently and Hart's Bakery in Bristol also does a very good, and also Reg the Veg, which is the world's greatest. Reg the Veg. Reg the and also Reg the Veg, which is the world's greatest. Reg the Veg? Reg the Veg. Is Hart's the one that's under Temple Meats? Yes, under Temple Meats Station.

You come out and go down there. Phenomenal place. If you ever pass through Bristol, as I often do, that is definitely a great place. Really, really good. Great sausage rolls. Very good sausage rolls. Yeah, I love that place. It's brilliant.

Oh, there you go. There you go. So yeah, I'd go for a really good sourdough. A nice sourdough, yeah. It's sort of the hipster of the bread bowl, isn't it? I sort of hate myself saying it. But it is tasty though, isn't it? And that's the thing. It is. And butter?

Warm with butter, yeah. None of the oil nonsense. Yeah. Yeah. Warm and butter. A little bit of salt, cracked salt and that lovely. I never know whether when it's warm, you feel they've just cooked it. It probably isn't. They probably just stick it in the microwave for a bit or warm it up. But yeah. For the dream, you want it out, you feel like just cooked it. It probably isn't. They probably just stick it in the microwave for a bit. Or warm it up. But I did. Yeah. For the dream, you want it out, you know, just cooked, right? We weren't microwave it in the dream restaurant.

No, you wouldn't do that. It wouldn't be a microwave in the dream restaurant. This is all, all bread is fresh out the oven. Yeah. Wow. Have you ever baked yourself? No, not myself. That's the next TV show.

Yeah, that's the finale. You're still writing this show, this live show. Tonight, I will bake myself. You bake yourself. That's the next TV show? Yeah, that's the finale. You're still writing this show, this live show. Tonight, I will bake myself. You bake yourself. I tried to, I had the lockdown thing.

I tried it like I did the, like a lemon drizzle. Yeah. A couple of things. Yeah. And then that was, that was it. Did you, did you embrace? Didn't do any baking, realised very quickly that shops were still open and stuff. You could go and get a loaf of bread.

You could buy your own scones. You mainly did barbecuing. I did a lot of barbecuing. Oh, that's nice. I'm making rotisserie chicken quite a lot at the moment. I've got rotisserie in my new oven. Nice. That's nice.

That is fun. Do you find, I would find it very easy to just watch it. Yeah, yeah, you do. You put the lights on, you just sit and watch it. Grab a stool or a cushion. And listen, I don't want to keep on chipping in ideas for your new show. Go on please. But you've got to find new ways of hypnotising people.

Ah, a rotating chicken! Watch a rotisserie chicken. You go into a trance that way. That's a bad idea, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not a toy, is it? Yeah, okay, brilliant, brilliant idea. A giant, giant chicken. Clearly fake, but a giant chicken on stage rotating. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. And they get hypnotized and then when they're hypnotized, you swap them with the chicken and then they wake up and they're spinning on the spit and you're like... And is it all chickens in the audience now? Yeah. And the audience is for the chickens. It's gotta be. But the chicken's headless because how are they watching?

You haven't thought this through. No, I haven't thought it through. Yeah. They're headless at first, then you restore their heads with magic. I love as we're talking, Ben's just like making notes. Ben's writing stuff down. Every time Ben writes stuff down, you know it's a... A short hand for a second. Well no, Ben's probably writing down the idea for the trick and then he's going to do it himself. Ben used to be a magician. When he was a little boy, that's why his nickname was the Great Benito,

because he called himself the Great Benito. He had a waistcoat and a magic box and everything, and would put on magic tricks in the living room, called himself the Great Benito. So he probably is writing down ideas for his magic show. Silently. Do you ever have that in your shows? Can you ever look out and spot a magician in the audience, like a fellow, and go, oh, they're watching this differently, and I'm not sure... They make notes like Ben does. Yeah. Yeah, gags and things, and they have to write them down.

It's a little bit, a little bit annoying. Yeah. A little bit irritating. Oh, your dream drink then. So we got that nice salad. It's a Chardonnay. It's an Italian Chardonnay. It's Antinori basically.

And the reason I'm sort of like stumbling over saying that and everything is because of how expensive it is. It's ludicrously expensive. And it wouldn't be an everyday, you know, but I'm in my favorite restaurant, Dream Restaurant, you know, all the rest of it. Why not? Again, you don't see it everywhere, but when you see it, and I had a very weird experience in Italy recently. And that was that, it's a long story, but I had a very weird experience in Italy recently. And that was that, it's a long story, but I was picking, I don't fly that often.

So I drive everywhere. Like, you know, I've driven to Budapest a few times and southern Portugal, outer Northern Norway and everywhere. I've driven across America a few times and around Australia because I don't like flying that much. I do do it obviously, but I'm saying I cut it down. And I like doing the drive as well. and also I think I've done an awful lot of travelling, especially when I was younger, where I was on planes all the freaking time

and you arrive somewhere and you go, oh, okay, I'm in the back of a car and I saw this and I saw that and then I've been to Rome but I've got no freaking clue about Italy or what it's like or anything. And driving there you get a sense of it because you just stay in places and do stuff. Anyway, on with the story. So I'm going to pick my wife and a friend up in the airport in Rome. So the night before I just stayed outside of Rome on the coast, actually funnily enough, in a little place, not a fancy place at all. It was just me. And very often I'll just think I'm not going to spend a fortune. I'm only going to be there to sleep. So I go downstairs and I went into the little restaurant they had and it was, it was like,

there was nothing, it was lovely, but there's nothing amazing about this place. Not what you're expecting. I'm looking on the wine list and I see this wine. I sort of think, no, no, no, hang on a second. It has got a younger brother, by the way, which is about half the price. I kept reading it going, I think what they've done is here, it's the younger brother, but they've written it like it's the big brother. So I said, can I have a look at that wine? And he said, yeah. So over he goes, or I think maybe I went to their wine cabinet and I'd look at it. They had like a glass, you know, I thought, no, that's pretty much that's, you know, and it was literally, it was stupid the price of it. It was like

so much so that when I told my wife and her friend the day after they said, well, perhaps we should just go back and buy everything they've got. They're too cheap. Yeah, I know and I felt guilty about it actually. I kept thinking, no, no, I should have told them, should have told them. Anyway, whatever. It's been a dilemma ever since. But it is phenomenal this wine. And my favourite wine anyway is Chardonnay. And Chardonnay's got a bit of a bad rep I think over the last 15 years. I was like, oh, Chardonnay, I don't want to drink that. Footballers call their kids Chardonnay. I don't want to drink that nonsense. Which is absolute bollocks because the finest white burgundy you can possibly have is Chardonnay. People just don't call it that necessarily upfront because it's

sort of frightened everyone into thinking it's like, you know, do you know what I mean? Chardonnay's got a bad rep. Well there was that ABC thing for a long time, is it that? Yeah, anything but Chardonnay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's sort of got a bit of a bad rep and it sort of annoys me when I go into a restaurant and they don't have a Chardonnay by the glass,

it really annoys me because I'm like, you're reacting to that. You're not reacting to whether it's good or not. And we've traveled a lot in America and got a lot of American friends and some of their Chardonnays are just unbelievable. My America and got a lot of American friends and some of their chardonnays are just unbelievable. My daughter and quite a few of her friends and family friends have this thing about me

liking buttery chardonnay. So much so that it's almost become ridiculous. So that like if we're having a glass of wine like in Copenhagen and stuff, they're all looking at me waiting for me to go, now that's buttery. Is it buttery Rick? It's become like this sort of thing. But anyway, that is such a classic dad bullying thing. Yeah, you find the one bit of happiness your dad has and then destroy it. And then you make it a thing of mopping. It's buttery.

We always start with still a spark in water. Do you have a preference? Sparkling, yeah. Yeah, straight in. Straight away. Always sparkling. Yeah. It's a bit more interesting, isn't it? There's always something going on.

And you get a big half a lemon and squeeze it in there. You got half a lemon squeezed in. Nice, yeah. Bang. If you're going to have a drink, have a proper drink. Yeah, yeah. Don't mess around. Water's water.

That's all it is. Yeah. It's very good. We need it to live. Yeah, you know, you can fancy it up a little bit. Yeah, nice. Do you have a particular sparkling water that you like? No, they're all the same. Believe me. You know, some are more sparkling than others, I know. But it's a load of cobbles really. Someone's getting a lot of money out of bottling water.

It should be free. It's natural. You know. You sound like, from what I'm getting so far, you don't really trust people. Especially in, I'm in South London, I've got to be very careful over here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are there a lot of sort of sparkling water gangsters over there? Yeah, Millwall. I didn't know Millwall had got into the sparkling water thing.

They're everything, believe me. I'm glad that you're squeezing the lemon in there as well. Some people just put the lemon wedge in or... It depends how much lemon you like. If you just want a little bit of an aroma going on, then you just drop it in. But if you like a lot of lemon... You've got to squeeze it in. Especially with ice, got to have ice. Are you doing the crushed ice? I imagine you would squeeze in that lemon. Yeah, crushed ice is lovely but it melts very quick. With sparkling water you want chunks. Big chunky ice. I agree with the squeezing

the lemon one. When people put a wedge in or like if I have a gin and tonic or something and there's like a wedge of lime in there some people just leave it to bob around it's not doing anything well I usually leave the lemon in there if I'm having a vodka and coke something like that leave it in every time so I know how many I've had so when you're making another one yeah you put a fresh one in and a fresh one in and you know how many drinks you've had that is genius yeah and then how many lemons would have to be in there for you to say I'm not gonna have another one? When you can't get no more drinking. Where's a glass of lemon?

Man, what a lot of treasures we had. A big load of trash. So much treasure. From national treasure to celebrity stories, our guests have dished the dirt on their famous encounters. Let's hear from Reese Nicholson, Jada Pinkett Smith and Finn Wolfhard. We went to this restaurant, Gimlet in Melbourne and Gordon Ramsey was there. Yes. Was he?

Yeah. And he walked through the kitchen to go to the toilet. Yeah. It's like you walking around the bar. Yeah. That's a power move. Yeah. And I don't think he even, cause in my head it was like, oh, he must be walking

through going great job guys, great job guys. Now just walk through. Sorry. Got to shit. Yeah. It was exciting though, wasn't it? Yeah. To see Ramsey.

Well, and a few weeks before the Obamas had been there and classic hospitality. I found this out, this is all we were having dinner at Ben's house and there was some chefs there. And we found out it was one of the chefs from Gimlet. And he said, oh yeah, the halfway through the dinner, he mentioned that the Obama's are at his restaurant tonight. And we, the dinner stopped. We were like, excuse me? What are you doing here?

And he was like, oh, but I kind of understand. He was a little bit like, why would, you know, it's like a hospitality mindset. I love chefs and people that their whole lives are about hospitality because I said, Oh, are they in the private dining room? And he went, Oh no, it was booked. But you know, I mean, it's like, I can't, I respect it so much more. Cause it was about, no, I don't care who you are. It's booked.

Yeah. And so that was very impressive. And apparently, yeah, they, uh, they sat like the Obama's just sitting out with secret service at tables around them, eating a good time. Great. I would have, I would have wanted to work that night. I thought, I mean, that's, that's still pretty bonkers not to be there. It would have been a buzz to be there, but what do you actually, I think I prefer the story that I didn't go, I think there's more satisfaction, the pay off

you get to meet a president. I think to decide not to meet a president is pretty fun. If you were working there, James, say you were a waiter there and you were assigned to the Obama's table. How are you playing it? Full erection whole time. Napkins going on. Are you saying anything specific or are you just treating them like normal customers or are you trying any little jokes are you asking them any

questions it's very good question actually um i think uh i try and play it cool to begin with yeah definitely but then like i think probably pretty quickly i'd go into like asking them questions yeah confess you're drunk within two seconds. Yeah, yeah. I mean, actually, to be honest, if I'm going to go by a recent experience when I met, I met Andrew Garfield the other day. Oh my God. And I did not play. He hates Mondays. I did not play that cool. No. And he's not the Obamas. So I think. He's not. And that's not an insult to Andrew Garfield. I'm sure he'd agree that he's not the Obama. I ask think he's not, and that's not an insult to Andrew Garfield. I'm sure he didn't agree that he's not the Obama. I asked him about every film he's ever been in. Yeah. Yeah.

I was, I was, he was at a festival and I was drunk. Yeah. My opening line to him, I'd never met him before and he was chatting to, Nish Keem I guess another shout out. Yeah. Everyone loves Nish. He's chatting to Nish. I couldn't see who it was. Nish was just chatting to someone at Glastonbury. I walk over, I realize who it is. I as you're just chatting with someone at Glastonbury, I walk over, realize who it is. I go Garfield, you motherfucker. Right. Another person we can't have on the podcast. Oh no.

Well, he's just don't live on, yeah. His response was pretty good. He goes, Hey Castor, you cunt. I was like, that sounds pretty good. But then, uh, then Moonish proceeded to just tell him about all of his films for like a very long time. There's no way he's coming on the podcast. Yeah. And that's, so that's ruined. Now we've ruined it. Did he have to, do you make excuses and leave?

Yeah, eventually. But like we would be, we had him there for quite a while. Had him there. Had him there. You know, he couldn't get away for a bit. Yeah. He was in a corner. Yeah. I've never understood the concept of just walking up to someone you admire just to meet them. Yeah. Like it's like similar, like, but you met him in the right way. Like you met him in the right way. Let's have a story again. Garfield, you motherfucker. You didn't handle it well, but you're in the right circumstance. Yeah. You could have. We've got mutual friends. Yeah. So that's how Nisha started talking to him.

Yeah. But also I just watched Silence, the Scorsese film had done it for the first time. I'd never seen it before. So that's what I said, Silence said, call him a motherfucker. And then I sat down and it was like, I saw Silence the other week, man, you're telling people to trample all the way through that film. You keep telling them to trample cause you're telling people to trample on the Bible. And Dave was like, yeah, you like the trampling stuff. I was like, yeah, you just tell them to trample all the're telling people to trample on the Bible and Dave's like yeah you like the trampoline stuff I was like yeah you just tell them to trample

all the time like oh my god so not it wasn't even I loved it or a great performance it's more these were some of your lines Andrew yeah but that was my favourite bit was how much he kept telling people to trample so I was like that's great I told him that seeing Spider-Man 2 in the cinema was the worst experience I've ever had in the cinema. Oh mate, it's like, no. Not because of him. Not because of him. Honestly, it's like. It's because of the people in the cinema. When you go to Cafe Gratitude, do you order in the way they want you to? You know, you

have to say, I am the name of the dish. No. No, no, no. I am humbled. I am worthy. Yeah, exactly. No, I just go, Oh man, can I have the gratitude bowl? And then they go, Oh, I am. Yeah. And then they give you like, you know, the word of the day or what have you. Yeah. Yeah. I'd say, yeah, if you're going there regularly, you probably lose patience with that. Yeah. I bet there is a dish on there called worthy.

I'm trying to remember. I am worthy. I think there is something on there about worthy. I have to ask. I think there is. I just, if we Google it now and it turns out it's the green salad. Imagine that. It would be crazy. David Blaine trick.

That would be crazy. Is it a trick for you, David Blaine? Yes. David has. Very jealous of that. He's done several That's the only reason I want to be in this biz So that one day David Blaine will do a trick. Oh, he he did something so crazy with Will and I really oh He touched Will's shoulder and I felt it but will did it you cried I cried you saw it I saw that you cried it was a cry

Yeah, it was emotional cuz I was like no way. How did you do that? So he touched will shoulder, but I felt it I'm will you're your eyes closed and I had my eyes closed and he said something like, you know Do you feel that and I'm like yes, he's like, I'm not I'm not touching your shoulder I'm so he was like showing the connection between us. And I haven't been able to get away from well since because of that. Like I blame it on David. We are really connected. Through David Blaine.

But yeah, it was a crazy experience. He's on a whole nother level. I can't believe you saw him do the spike through the hand stuff. I was obsessed with that for a brief period of time. He was showing everyone that way. Genuinely just puts a spike through his hand. Yeah, I don't think he genuinely. You know, the things that you slam receipts on. Yeah. He just put what is an ice pick, wasn't it? He put an ice pick through his hand. Jada saw it and Jada touched it. Yeah. I don't even know. I don't. Well, look, I don't even mess with David because I'm just like, you're, you're other worldly man. I don't even know if you can call this magic. Well, when he came to London and he suspended

himself in a see-through box, um, above Trafalgar square or above the Thames, wasn't it? And uh, everyone just came and shouted at him and stuff. They threw McDonald's at the box. They weren't as impressed as... No? How long did he stay up there? Ages. Like days and days and days and people just threw their McDonald's at it in the box. Really?

Yeah. Welcome to London David. We didn't represent ourselves very well, wasn't it? Oh my gosh. It went bad. Yeah, I love, like, yes, like, alcoholic slush drinks. Yeah. Absolutely great.

And you don't see them on the... Blue Crew. The Blue Crew. Oh yeah, the Blue Crew. I don't know if you told them about this. No, I haven't told them about the Blue Crew. Actually, why would you? What's the Blue Crew, James?

James, don't tell them, because... I'll tell them about the blue crew. I have to now. A bunch of us went for a meal before going to see Abba Voyage. As all great stories start. Obviously I knew you were going to Abba Voyage. And I spent all night while you were at Abba Voyage laughing about you going to Abba Voyage. Yeah.

Ed did a gig with Kamail. Kamail told him we were all gonna see how the voyage made him laugh I mean, you see they get text from Ed and Nish asked me about you lot are going to have a voyage Immediate text back. Yes. That's the first time I'm meeting Paul Rudd Walked in so first of all, I got to the restaurant, Smoke and Goat. Great restaurant. Great restaurant.

Really good. Got there. I was like, I wonder if we'll be the first here. Soon as we walk in, there's a girl freaking out to a mum that Ant-Man's in the restaurant. Yeah. Okay, so. So he's here.

So we're not the first here. Go over to the table and Finn, Finn's friend Fred and Paul of that Kamau joins us and my girlfriend and I and then I see on the menu is a cocktail Yes, it's called something blue. I can't remember what the first word was something look it up. Yeah, we did have it We've been there. Yeah, we've been there. Do we have the book? We had we might or I definitely I don't think I had it Maybe I know if I've had it before so I wasn't I jumped on it I jumped on the bandwagon. Yeah immediately so I ordered it just as it turns out you've had it before

Yes, it's the perfect James A. Castor story. Yeah, of course it is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's absolutely perfect I forgot it Cosmic the cosmic blues. Yeah, I wanted to cause because it had tequila in yeah, and then and then everyone jumped on that I'm really well because I sometimes I like copying people like cuz you know, this is a restaurant I also didn't know so sometimes I'll you know get the locals. Yeah favorite What apart from Camille orders it command a stance you took a stance Yeah, I am not getting the blue, but he didn't know it was gonna be blue.

Oh, is it actually blue? Yeah, so this is the thing, I didn't know it was gonna be blue. So that's where it went bad. This is where it went bad for me. Because everyone's copied me, Kamau's like, no, I'm having something else. And I was like, oh, you don't wanna be in the blue crew with a blue, because it was called that.

But then they come along and they literally are like neon blue, ridiculous. I was like, Oh no, I don't know these people well enough. And I've made them all get this blue drink. Yeah. And started calling yourself the blue crew. Call us the blue crew. Runs there drinking the blue drink. He doesn't, he's not, he's not happy with it. Delighted about it.

No, you know, he's trying to keep a low profile. Yeah. He's there with a neon blue drink. Is he waving it around? Waving around this neon blue drink. It's like he's trying to keep a low profile. Yeah, if they were the only blue Like he's fucking holding the tessera You're the Thanos snap to his Everything disappeared after he Yeah, we all were bombed. I would say yeah. No one was happy about however. It was so funny. Yeah

It's such a bit kept treat. We just kept I finished the whole thing as like I was like I don't like this, but I'm gonna Also, we're committed to being the blue crew at that point. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I was I don't know if there's any fake motherfuckers at the table Yeah, I was the only one that was it doesn't sound like Rod Rod was fully in no he was in He fell in to me. Yeah, maybe one foot out at the waist Yeah, also, I mean for a full Yeah, if the if the listener wants a full kind of like image of who's at the table I said like just like yeah Finn's friend Fred Fred Fred plays the Guy in the first series of white lotus who goes canoe it the kid who's yeah with that. So that's who that is

Yeah, so that's funnier to me as well. I made him do it the kid who's yeah, that's who that is. Yeah, so that's funnier to me as well. I've made him do it Yeah, he loved it. Yeah, you know, you know, he loved it Yeah, sweet, and then you all bought matching jackets. We did we didn't buy them We were given oh without that makes more sense. It would have been hilarious if we bought them They're the upper jacks. I bet they're really expensive because if if you really do if you hadn't been given them You know James would have tried to make you all buy them Yeah, if you did and by the way, I would have yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because you told me you're in the blue crew I definitely would have done

You would have read definitely would have bought By that for you to It's all in your head it's all in your head. It's all in your head, Bluey. Is he Bluey? I don't know. I'm Bluey now. We've all got our names in the Blue crew. I'm Bluey. Shirts purple. Bluey, Blueboy, Blueballs. Who's Blueballs? Blueballs is, yeah, Finn.

This guy. Blueboy is, uh, Blueboy's friend. Yeah. Of course. My girlfriend is, uh, Bluezy McCusey, and,y and Paul Verde is blood blood. Blood blood. Blood blood. The She Soars podcast is an absolute must for conversations about sexual and reproductive

health and rights. We are a group of passionate young women from across Canada who are exploring global issues that affect girls lives and choices and how they relate to Canadian youth. Tune in to season 3 of the She Soars podcast for more hot topics and inspiring speakers from around the world, and discover ways we can all take action. Her rights, her voice. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts. T'was the season of chaos, and all through the house, not one person was stressing.

Holla differently this year with DoorDash. Don't want to holla do the most? Holla don't. More festive, less frantic. Get deals for every occasion with DoorDash. That was all great stuff. Yeah. Well, I love the Blue Crew, man. Blue Crew to the day.

Now, one guest has definitely been taking advantage of his celebrity status. Have you had a DM from Lisa Fox? Let's hear from Joe Locke. Is that something that you would do for a restaurant? Would you queue to get a table? No, I normally would just DM them and then they'd give me a table. Yes, finally someone using the celebrity status. Sometimes it doesn't work, but it works quite a lot. I respect this honesty. Oh, I also have this is a, I have a fake email that I use as my assistant which is actually me on a different email and I use that to get like restaurant things because I've realized that if you are pretending to

be official yeah there's more of a chance that people will take you seriously. Yeah if it feels like you've got a team behind you. So my assistant is called Lisa Fox. I wanted a name that was slightly maybe porn star but like still could be a real name. Yeah. And she got me she got me a free holiday. So that was a great holiday. That was a great one. She's a great assistant. Lisa Fox is great and you don't have to pay her anything. No I know it's great. How does Lisa Fox's like email manner differ from your own? It's she says the things that I couldn't say like oh Joe is unable to do that unfortunately. Yeah yeah. You know we need he'll only do one Instagram story or like really harsh.

And I'll come in like, Oh, thanks so much, Lisa. Does Lisa ever say anything about you? Like, Oh, Joe can be a bit temperamental or maybe I should start doing that. That's more authentic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've all emoji stuff like that. It's been a really hard week with Joe this week. Sorry, Joe's not getting back in contact at the moment. Yeah. Are you worried now though that people might hear this and be like, well, we know who Lisa Fox is, we're not responding to that. You don't have to change it up. I'll just change her name. Yeah. Think of another slightly porno name. It's not Lisa Fox with three X's, is it? No, but it should be. As we change it to. Yeah. Not the same person. Yeah. Last time it was one X. Someone else. Well, I mean, look, what we're very excited about is, well, there's a number of things actually, but Agatha all along, we're all excited about that.

Lisa Fox has got you a great job. Lisa Fox has been working hard with this. She's been using that to get me some restaurants. Yeah. Did she like email Kevin Feige? You know what? She didn't, but she maybe should. Yeah.

For future. I think her and Feige should talk, or Feige's assistant, or is it Feige pretending to be someone? Yeah, definitely. I feel like Feige probably does have an assistant. No, I know he has an assistant. He does. Yeah. Have you met them?

I have. Is it Feige, but with his cap off so you can't recognise him? I have actually seen Feige without his cap. That's one of my big things in life. I've seen him without his cap on. Why did he take it off? I don't know. I think maybe because we were at dinner.

Respect. He's got a really nice head. Why does he hide it all the time? It's a power play, clearly. He takes the cap off for, you know, his most valued cast members. I would hope so. He goes, this is the real me.

Did he stare at you really intensely and say this is the real me, Joe? He didn't. He didn't know. I'm'm gonna be really careful because I really would like him to give me more jobs Yes, he listens to anything. Oh, yeah No spoilers, but you might be in trouble now just for revealing that he's got a head maybe Yeah, I will know like the Marvel brain like he's got a top of the head yeah Well, we all start with still a spark the water Joe. Do you have a preference sparkling? Which I feel like I'm the only person under 25 who like sparkling water, but I find water boring Mm-hmm the sparkle gives it like I know some energy some fizz. Yeah. Well, yeah young people today

You got a short retention span. Yeah exactly So you need the water to be doing something. Exactly. I need to keep me hooked. But you were saying that you think you're the only person under 25 who likes sparkling water. I think that... Is it not big with the kids these days? No. Oh man, we've been telling... I feel like flavoured sparkling water is. Yeah. Seltzer. Seltzer. Because everyone loves a white claw, but not like normal. Like a bottle of San Pellegrino. So does it make you feel like older when you drink a San Pellegrino? I do, I am an old soul in general though. So yeah, it feels very fitting.

Yeah. That's why you're able to pretend to be Lisa Fox. Cause I presume she's over 25. Well, yeah, she's in my head. She's like mid thirties and a bit too much filler. Like, now this is what I embody. This is what I am inside really. Yeah.

That's aspirational. Let's pitch the movie It's it's Mrs. Doubtfire for the tick-tock generation You get yourself in a situation where you have to dress up as Lisa Fox. Yeah, what if that happens? What if? They want to meet her you're emailing and they fall in love with Lisa Fox I have had people ask me how she is when I feel like oh, how's Lisa? It's pretty great to email her I'm like, oh, she's great. She's really good. Yeah. You know, she works really hard. Pretty much fellow again, but yeah, yeah. She'll get the balance right one day.

She will. Oh, Lisa Fox. What a sneaky guy. We've had some strange people saying strange things in the dream restaurant this year. Just listen to this lot. And then they put, Billy was putting brackets, this section's not for the squeamish, but it is for fans of huge Davies, Katie Wicks, Stuart Laws, Rick

Astley and Robert Popper. Are you a foodie, Hugh? Yeah, I love food. I make, I do, I got quite foodie during lockdown? Yeah, I love food. I got quite foodie during lockdown because I lived alone for a long time. And then basically, as a comedian, basically all I was doing was basically every day I would get up and I would delete the things out of my calendar. And then I'd get the emails, see what they'd cancelled inevitably, then I'd delete them

off my calendar and then I'd have the whole day. Yeah. Basically. So I ended up making like so much like food, like a ridge, like I tried to make so much food. So then the next day I'd have something to clean up. Oh, so you were basically giving yourself a chore. Yeah. So a job. Yeah. So clean, clean, clean your own stuff. No dishwasher. I had a dishwasher. I'm not doing that because then it's just deleting events off your calendar. Even more. Yeah. I've never, I don't think we've ever had anyone on the podcast who cooks in order to clean. No, but also I'm worried about the next day. So you're cooking one day, eating the food, and then you've got the cleaning up the next day.

You then cooking on the same day as the cleaning or we only eating every other day. Yeah. So I'll take, what I'll do is I'll clean in the morning, have a nice long four hour break. Yeah. Start cooking again. In order to then clean the next morning. What sort of food were you making? Was it specifically dirty food or things that crusted on the pans? No, stuff that I thought I couldn't do. I made dumplings from scratch, which I was like, I don't know if I could do that, but it was really good. I did it. I made, and also each time I'm obviously making way too much because you can't just cook for a portion for one person.

Actually, interestingly, I would have lunch every, so that was, I'd have my meals with a spider, actually, interestingly. So like, there was a spider that started making a web on the table. And I initially was like, let's get rid of that. I was like if the spider goes then there won't there won't be anyone else. So I had lunch with the spider every day. Simon, no sorry sorry Dennis Simon was a different thing.

What was Simon? Was it the butternut squash he drew a face on? No that was Lloyd. Hang on what? Huge in lockdown got so lonely that he drew a face on a butternut squash like Wilson and he called it Lloyd and he hung out of it all the time and he socialed it around with a pram. In a pram? Yeah, in a pram. What outside of your house? Yeah, well you can get away with it. I was saying, you know, you can get away with anything if you put it in a pram. I really don't think that's true. No, you can. Go to the park.

You're less likely to get away with it if you put it in a pram. Go to the park and see someone with a pram, walk around the pram. Yeah. Look at it, right? It could be anything. If a dog's in there, you're walking around the pram. Yeah. Look at it. Right. It could be anything. If the dog, if it like a dog's in there, you're like, that's fine. Yeah.

Fine. If you saw someone with a squasher there, you'd be like, that's okay. That's fine. Leave that person alone. Don't talk to that person. Yeah, I would. Oh, but there's something very different between saying you're getting away with it and no one wants to talk to you because you look mad.

Yeah. Also, you're saying they're going, that's to you because you look mad. Yeah. Yeah. Also you'll say they're going that's fine leave that person alone. Yeah. I believe they will definitely think leave that person alone. I don't think they're thinking that's fine. I think they're thinking I'm going nowhere near that person leave them alone. They're pushing a button that squash around in a pram. I'm asking a lot of questions about this. It worked. It helped you. It helped me through man. Yeah. I know. So where's Lloyd now? And obviously we're out and about again now. I buried him in the park. You are joking.

No, I took my niece to learn about death. I can show you photos of it. Yeah, it took his niece to learn about death. Yeah, she was loving it though. She was digging that hole like it was Christmas morning. How old's your niece? She was at the time, she was about two and a half years old. Right, so Olivia that someone else is in the pram, I'd imagine.

Yeah. You got to walk, Lloyd's going in the pram, by the way. You got to walk. You got to walk. Lloyd's going in the pram, but you can have a lift back. Get out of the pram. It's a goddamn funeral. Use your legs. Lloyd is dead as well. Getting driven right in the pram. Was Lloyd dead when you buried him? Yeah. He had a, what we called, he was rotting. Medically, what do you say? If you keep a squash for three months, it rots.

Yeah. I couldn't do that, man. If I'd drawn a face on something, I couldn't bury it. Well, that's the thing. I didn't draw on the face. I initially didn't draw the face on for a friend. I drew it on because it was so big, I thought it would be comical to anyone.

When you were living alone, you got to, drew the face on it. For a laugh? Yeah, put nappy on it for a laugh. Yeah. Put an app on it for a laugh. I forgot that detail. So you were living alone. Yeah. Why you got a pram and nappies in your house?

Such a good question. Such a good question. I hadn't even thought to ask. The best of it is so weird anyway. So I was staying at my brother's house who has children. Anyway. So I was staying at my brother's house who has children. He moved with his mother-in-law's house because they have a bigger house and they have a dog and two kids.

He was like, I need someone to water the plants. I said I'd live there. I did kill all the plants, every single one, including the ones they kept from their marriage. They were furious. They were absolutely furious. And then even more furious when they're like, I can't believe you spent so much time. Because the squash was there when they were like furious they were absolutely furious and then even more furious when they're like i kind of believe you spent so much time because the squash was there when they were there too yeah that's why we went to the park yeah because i didn't i didn't want to go alone yeah you know so your responsibility was to water the plants you didn't do it no i killed all every

single one of them every single one i have like honestly i've like over 50 instead you were hanging out with a squash raising a squash i'd say i wouldn you were hanging out with a squash. Raising a squash I'd say. I wouldn't say hanging out with a squash. I'm not. And the spider was in the same house. Spider, yeah. Yeah, we would lunch, we would dinner together. We would dinner together, eating dumplings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The dumplings sound great though. You sitting around dumplings on three separate plates. Yeah. I have no, I'm such a filistine. I have no, I've been to really posh restaurants and I thought it was a bit weird stuff. I was eating quite a lot of worms salad. I've had stuff like that. Worm salad?

Yeah. I went to the name of the place, but I went to a very posh place for my birthday and there was two, I went with, the other person with me was vegan. So you got an email before sort of saying, you know, do you want the vegan menu or the non-vegan menu? That was the two choices. So I, I'm planning on being vegan eventually. I think we all have to be, won't we, basically. But so I'm sort of groping towards being vegan, but doing it really badly. Anyway, so at this point I was, I took non-vegan and I had to take a breath then. Then the food came and I ate this salad and the woman took it away and she said, how was your salad? And I said, Oh yeah, fine.

Thank you. Then she looked down at the plate and she said, Oh, you still got some worms left. And I thought I was hallucinating. I thought I'd left my body. You know what I mean? I thought, Oh, this is, this is like trippy now. Like what's just happened there? And I looked down and then I saw like three or four

worms in the plate, not like garden worms, like kind of shrub territory. Little worms. Yeah, they were little but they were moving, they were dead. And I looked at them and I just, it just took me a long time to take it in, you know, to process what was happening. And I just said, oh no, I'm done, thank you. And hands to the plate. And I just remember being really pale and shocked. And then my, the person I was with was a bit sort of, well, that's what happens when you take, you know, non-vegan, in a way, like morally you're saying I'm up for anything if you're, you know. It's not what happens if you take non-vegan, you get worms out of it. But I took, I took their point that they were sort of saying, well, you know, be a vegan. That's

the solution. If you don't want secret worms, you know, to them it's just protein. It's meat. So, um, but I felt, I felt a bit violated that I hadn't been told and just a bit sick. And so was it like a tasting menu thing where they were just bringing you out? Is that a tasting menu? I don't even know the terms. So they explain it up, put a dish down in front of you and go, and this is a worm salad. No, definitely. There was no prior warning. Yeah, there was no chat about it.

You still got some worms left. Yeah. And then she saw my reaction. She came back and she said, she said, I won't do an accident, but she said, is the problem that you didn't like it or do you object? Like she was trying to understand what my reaction- For feedback to the kitchen, yeah.

Yeah, she was really concerned by my- and confused by my reaction and I sort of said, no, it's fine, it's just the shock. The shock of eating worms. I was a bit hungover, I was a bit tearful. I just didn't- I just wanted to have a nice birthday and not be fed worms. That's the whole other one. You were tearful? Because I was hungover. Yeah. You were crying as well.

Yeah. That'll be why she came back to check. I thought the tears would bring the worms back to life and it would all be amazing. I do want to know the name of that place though because I'd like to try worm salad. I'll tell you after. Also at the end they served the pudding, it was tobacco flavoured chocolate which went really well with the cigarette I have to say. So that was lovely. The joy about that is when you're in a hotel or a B and B, they say, do you want white or brown bread?

I'm always back with mixed. Oh yeah. Yeah. You can have a mixed rack. You can have the aquadrome white. Yeah. And then the B and B wholemeal. Actually go with the, um, with the seeded sourdough, which is slightly wholemeal-y.

Okay. Yeah. But it's not to pick you up on that at all in any way. It's fine. It's your dream B&B. Thank you. This is a new podcast. Farder, what is it? It's the rack.

It's toast. But it's sourdough toast. But it's not the Vickmansworth Aquadrome Cafe toast that you have. Yeah. Is that the secret ingredient? No. Although that would be very different, if we knew that. Yeah. Hand you an envelope and it says aquadrome cafe toast. Checking under my chair. And is the owner of the B&B talking to you throughout all of this? No, they've left me. I've put my ear pods in, so they

might still be there. Okay. But I'm listening to case files, because I'm in town to solve a case. What's the case? As if someone's disappeared. One of you has disappeared and I'm there to solve it, yeah. Oh no! Yeah. Where who? James has.

James has disappeared. I've disappeared? Yeah. In the town? Yeah. So what town is it? It's up in North Oregon. I was never there anyway.

No, you were. You were. You were. You were. James, you need to work on your improv, man. Yeah, just on stage. I'm not there. No, you were. You were. You were. You were. James you're gonna need to work on your improv man. Yeah just on stage. I'm not there. No you are. I've never been there. That's why I'm missing. I've never been there. That's where you've been tracked to anyway. Yeah so I'm there to solve the case and Ed's Ed can't do it because he's doing Great British Menu or something. Yeah. So I'm not there at all. Yeah you're in the gravy train.

Yeah. Okay. So your dream meal is spending the day in a town where I've gone missing. I love this idea. You've got to solve it. Yeah. So this isn't going to be a meal as such so much as a day of eating while you try and solve a missing persons case. Yeah. But it will fit your format perfectly. Yeah, kind of.

Unless I get kicked out. I like the solving the case thing. Yeah. Oh yeah? You're not the one who's missing? Or will you be the one who's... Do you know, the only evidence we have at the moment is DNA evidence of where you've been.

What sort of DNA? Come. I knew it before you did it. Yeah, why did the guy ask? Where'd you find it? You don't want to know where it is, but some of it's on the ceiling. I would like to. Some of it's on the ceiling.

Yeah, that's where it ends up. Like a rocket. Have you guys been to Japan? Yes. I'm going for the first time. I've just got back. James is going next month. Oh, amazing.

Fantastic. Well, I'm sure you're going to love it. You must have loved it, I'm sure. Incredible. Yeah. So I've been a few times, and back in the day, I was like, I'm going to go to Japan. I'm going to Japan. I'm going to Japan.

I'm going to Japan. I'm going to Japan. I'm going to Japan. I'm going to Japan. I'm going to Japan. Yes. I've just got back. James is going next month. Oh, amazing. Fantastic. Well, I'm sure you're going to love it. You must have loved it. I'm sure. Incredible. Yeah. So I've been a few times and back in the day in the eighties and stuff. And I remember the second time we went, first time was just promo and stuff. Second time we went for gigs and the promoter took us to this amazing restaurant in a town I think called Nagoya. So, you know, it's still a massive city, but one of the smaller cities as it were. We went to this restaurant and I basically think he was just taking the piss because we were given these bowls, like a soup, like a clear soup, but something was still alive

swimming around in it. But didn't have the whole of its body to do so. Like tentacles have been put away and things. And that was like a bit of a shock. So I didn't, and again, I was 22, 23, do you know what I mean? I traveled a bit by then and I'd eaten in a lot of places and stuff, but it was still- Nothing surprising for that though, does it? That's nothing compared to what happened next. So they brought out these huge fish that were

skewered so they were in like a curve, an arc, you know, tail up and head up. And the meat of the fish had been cut away from its body while it was alive and placed back on the fish. So you were meant to eat it while it looks at you. Oh my god. I mean, look, I'm not squeamish, but I think that would put me off. I couldn't do that. I mean, like your theory about if the olive oil is good, you know, the rest of the meal is gonna be nice. When they brought you the little thing swimming around in the bowl, get out. Yeah, when you have to make eye contact with the thing you're eating. Get out of bloody Marky Dessard's restaurant.

Now I don't know whether that might even be a thing anymore and whether the legal allowed to do it. I'm going back 35 years, so it's a while ago or more even. But I remember just thinking, this is ridiculous. And I was kind of looking at all the other Japanese people thinking, are you going to eat this? Or is this- Crazy prank on the- Yeah, and I've seen prawns cooked on the, on like a tapen yaki, a hot, you know,

where they're still alive. They just put them on the thing in front of you. You know, and I know lobsters go in the thing when you're not looking and they just put them in there, you know, ugh, I don't like all that. Listen, don't get me wrong, I love eating food. I'm not vegetarian. I think about it sometimes and I do think there's an issue, like I said, with us, the

way we are living at the moment can't really be sustained and all the rest of it. And, but yeah, it's a, it's a, there's a step too far, isn't there? A little bit. Yeah. Yeah. I think we definitely have to at least stop making eye contact with the fish while we're eating it alive. Yeah. Well, let's at least take that step. Having said that, this is just reminding me of something else. And please, this is not about... Right, here we go. So one of my passions in life has been skiing over the years. And so I was on holiday skiing with some friends and it was a bit of an occasion and we needed to celebrate something. So we went to this restaurant, which again, I don't think is open anymore, not because

of what I'm about to describe, I just think it's not open anymore. And it was called my father's farm, or firm to my parents, whatever, and massive reputation, you know, Michelin stars, all the rest of it. So we went, it's like a 15 course, bladida, whatever, but you, the building is a farm and animals, I'm not saying those animals necessarily, but in other words, pigs, ducks, you know, geese, cows are on the other side of glass beneath you and on the side of you as you walk into the restaurant. So it's basically like saying, but there's, but I don't think on the one end there's nothing wrong with actually explaining it, especially to kids.

Because if kids just think that a slab of meat is just something, you know, they don't connect it to being an animal, that's a whole other issue again. So that was pretty, that was a bit, you know, I mean they weren't dragging animals out and butchering them, you know, but it was still very much like, you've just ordered this and that's one of those over there, behind that glass. It was a bit weird. Yeah, it's quite confronting, isn't it? It's good. I mean, yeah, I'm all for it, but I think I wouldn't be able to hack it at the same time and maybe I should reflect on that. Yeah, well, I don't cook a lot. My wife's an amazing cook, an incredible cook, and it's one of the main ways that she relaxes and I don't really love it. Does it stress you out? Yeah, if it's for anybody else, yes. You know, I'm not averse to making an omelette or making

something for myself, cobbling something together. But the reason I was mentioning this is that if someone said, right, there's a joint, there's an actual big piece of an animal, make it. Or even a chicken getting a chicken out of its packaging from the supermarket and putting it in the oven is a bit like wow! Do you know what I mean? When it's cooked and it's on your plate it's just very different It is yeah and don't get those mixed up Rick otherwise you're gonna have another one of those incidents. You're gonna be cancelling more gigs. Yeah. I'm going to start with a Seamour and then I'm going to finish with the La Ross. Are those wines?

No, I'll tell you what these are. So this is another one from my youth. When my brother, Johnny, we were younger and we used to get invited to parents, like someone was getting married in the family or Bermitsva and I was like 11 and he was eight, we've invented this game, which we do to this day, which is the best game. And I think maybe my brother's there for this bit, just for when I drink he appears and then he's eviscerated but comes back. So what we would do, we would be quite, you know, we're 12, we didn't know anyone often, it's boring. And we didn't want to talk to girls, it's embarrassing, there's a family. So we would just go and sit by the bar and just drink Coca-Cola. And we would, this is our plan, we said we weren't sitting by the bar. That's what we would do, just by the

bar or near the bar. Is that a thing kids do normally, sitting up at the bar? Not at the bar, like we wouldn't be at the bar, we'd be on the chair. Imagine you sat having a Coca-Cola like, this is a long night. Cigar. Yeah. We'd hang around the bar, hiding basically, have a coke and then it would be right. It's time. It's time. So they go, oh, two more cokes please. No, one coke, one seam hour. They go, seam out.

Yeah, one coke, one seam out. What seam out? Coca-Cola and lemonade. Mixed together. That's the seam hour. Yeah. Oh, okay. So this is pre-internet, so you couldn't check. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. So this is pre internet so you couldn't check. Yeah. Yeah. Oh

Okay, and then you see him wander off pouring out another bartender would see him mixing lemonade and coats. You see him mouthing Could be a drink so we'd have a coke and a seam hour and then it will be Later on we'd have two seam hours, please and once they got used to that the bit when they go to see mouse We go once you, one La Ross. So you have to wait for them to- Yeah. What's a La Ross? Ginger ale and a lemonade. I've never heard of that before. Every one seam hour and that would be your thing. So a seam hour. And we did that our whole life. And if we ever go out, it'll be like, what do you want? One seam hour, please. So that

I would want to be drinking them. They taste nice as well yes and my brother can be there and we can do that and they there's no internet reception so they can't check yeah yeah they're not allowed I don't know if they would even check now would they they wouldn't check surely they'd be like whatever if they were to see my house if they were to call it they would say two seam hours boys two seam hours no no once you have a hour La Ross that would be Then you end on two La Ross's It's just when they think they've got the hang of it, right? Yeah, and then when dad would come and you're ordering your stupid drinks Shh, don't say anything

That would be all good So I would I like those drinks I mean they're good drinks as well There's nothing more exciting as a kid than realizing you can mix different soft drinks Yeah, yeah Do you ever mix drinks? Nice mixing drink? Oh, the freestyle machine The freestyle machine, the soda fountain, you know, or whatever. Um, some, uh, fast food places now in London have a freestyle machine. Excellent. Where you can pick

loads of other stuff. I mean, there's stuff that you don't even know. You can't buy commercially by itself. Like, you know, peach lilt and stuff like that. Yeah. I made that one up, but every flavor of Fanta, you could imagine every sort of different food. Raspberry Fanta, all that sort of stuff. Yeah. Mix some of those together. Although I don't want to mix them if I've not had it.

Like I just want to try raspberry Fanta. That sounds good. Yeah. Well, I mean, when you were a kid, you mix all of it. A Lombard. A Lombard. A Lombard. A Raspberry Fanta. Raspberry Fanta would be a Lombard. A raspberry fountain. Raspberry fountain would be a lombard.

Would you ever sign off on this? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. We do this all the time. Still do it now? Oh yeah. We haven't done it for a while, but we're going to do it again soon. We talked about it recently. I was telling him we've got to do this again. He said, yeah, yeah, we've got to do that. We've got to do that? We do seam hours on Leroy. I mean, we was talking about it in the restaurant. What do

you want to drink? He was going to do two seam hours. sea mallards among the Royal. I mean, we was talking about it in the restaurant. What do you want to drink? It was two sea mallards. He was like that to me. So yeah. I mean, we should start this as a thing. Yeah. People ordering sea mallards on the Rosses. I think it almost certainly will happen now. And see if people, please go out there and try it. You got to start, you don't go straight in two sea mallards.

No. You got to lull them in to get you know, a little chat. Yeah. Have the Coca-Cola's. Coca-Cola's. Yeah. Coca-Cola's as opposed to Coke's. Two Coca-Cola's please. Yeah. And then eventuallyCola's as opposed to Coke's two Coca-Cola's please

Yeah, and then eventually took a seam out. Yeah, and then the high point is when they say two seam hours Yeah, yeah, and then it ends on two La Ross's please. Yeah Now you know a guest went wild when they have their own section. One guest was not only, oh, this is what happens when I actually go off of Benito's script. Absolutely tripped myself up there. I should have stuck to the script, Benito. I'm so sorry, you're a good writer. One guest not only put an end to the Jollof Wars, but they really put us in our place.

Is the beer LibB Dol Rashid. Your dream side dish. Chee-hoo! Um, has anyone here mentioned Moimoy to you before? No. Really? No, I don't think so. You've had Nigerians on here, they haven't mentioned Moimoy? Well, I don't think they have.

Bunch of plastic Nigerians. Ha ha ha ha! What the hell, man? Normally. I bet they came here and then they would somehow talk about Jolof. I'm not even going to talk about Jollof first. We often get bogged down in the Jollof wars. The Ghanaian versus Nigerian Jollof.

Silly. That's the kind of Nigerians that argue and the kind of Ghanaians that argue about that stuff. Would need Google maps to find their way around if they went back home is all I'm saying. That is the most basic aspect of our cuisine. The most basic, like it's bloody rice bro, it's rice. I mean yeah and the thing is neither of us invented it. Senegal did but like you know how stupid we must look to Senegalese people. I'm a version of this Senegalese dishes but shut up man. No honestly I love jelof rice right but it's like African food one on one yeah if I had the friend that I'm not sure of like he's invited to the cookout but I'm still not quite sure I would give him jelof like that's the most basic African dish right next to white rice and stew right it's just basic And then when I think your levels, then I might introduce you to something like pounded yam and a goosey soup or,

you know, something like that. But Jalef, I, I asked him to argue about who makes fish and chips better. The most black is the most basic dish in, I mean, it's good. It's better than all other rice dishes. You know, even Garnier and Jalef rice is better than 90% of rice dishes. Garnier and Jalef rice is 90% of rice dishes. Garnier Angel of Rice is brilliant. It tastes almost like the real thing. You know?

But now in all seriousness, it's down to who cooks it. Yeah. And plus, Nigeria, we've got 300 tribes. Everybody makes it different. I would say ours is the best because we are the closest to the originators, the Senegalese. Culturally, we're very similar to them. But then there's people from my tribe in Ghana too. So, so yeah, I don't have, I don't really, I make fun of Ghana because it's a national requirement, but honestly, I have no, are you a foodie? The bill would you say that you like foodie?

You could see me. What do you think? Let's just be real here. You know that if I did something wrong right now and you didn't know me, there's only two ways you would describe me. Right? So you asking me whether I'm a foodie. What's a foodie? A person that likes food. Do you think this happened by accident? Is that what you think? That's what this is. Did you really? Like, you know, I just, I just had an extra donut a couple hundred thousand times. I don't, I don't actually eat donuts.

No. As of toxic masculinity. Oh yeah? Yeah. Why, why, why is that? So, I'm from Northern Nigeria and Allah chazam and arrewa. Sorry, that's for my people.

Yeah. You're safe now. When the revolution comes, we'll be giving a head start. And a stick. Um and also I'm from Northern Nigeria and we we are like most of the army for the majority of Nigeria's

inception has come from my part in Nigeria. Most people don't know much about us. In fact, sadly, currently we're only known for two things which is is Boko Haram and me. You know, as you can imagine, Boko Haram is a very tough act to form. Yeah, yeah. Very, very tough act.

You know, they're always bomb. Cheap, I guess. So, our culture, probably we're farmers and soldiers and that sort of stuff. So, everything around our culture, like as a growing up, as a young boy, like you give, you get given food, eat it, it will make you strong. Yeah. What?

It will make you strong. Why are you opening your eyes? Why you say that? Because I'm strong. I don't want, you know, and if you eat anything sweet, you were told as a boy that sweet things were for girls. And like people will say it was so much conviction, like it was scientifically proven. What, why you gonna, why you, why do you want that sweet things were for girls. And like people would say it was so much conviction, like it was scientifically proven. What? Why you got it? Why? Why do you want that sweet?

What are you a girl? I'm not a girl. Yeah. Then why do you want something sweet? Cause everyone knows the sweets are for girls. Yeah. You give it to them on their birthday when they're angry with you. That's how it works. And I thought, yeah, that makes perfect sense. So growing up, like we just didn't have a lot of sweet stuff. So now, even now, cause like my wife is South Asian and they have like a big culture of desserts. I kind of hear my uncle in my head, what are you doing? What is it? Is it trap? Is for her. So, um, yeah, I'm working through that, but unfortunately I struggle with sweet stuff.

I do like sweet stuff, but I feel bad after even though I shouldn't. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's interesting. Yeah. It's been drilled into it. I mean, that's, this is, it's a tense episode for me that I'm a big dessert boy. I love it when people, you know, make a good, uh, no such thing as a big dessert boy in Northern Nigeria. Yeah, there you go. It's not... I get turned away. That's a big dessert boy. Trying to think how I would even translate that in my language.

Actually, yeah, probably I wouldn't say it, but yeah. Probably a couple words for that. Probably a couple words for that. Incidentally, the video of Nabil's answer to that question is our most viewed clip ever. I didn't know that. No, me neither. It wouldn't be a food podcast without delicious descriptions of dishes. Most of these are edible. Sophie Willard.

Oh yeah, okay. Cool. But he doesn't write who says what. And we have to sort it out in real time. Yeah, Sophie Willen, Josh Willicombe, Amy Annette, Cedric and Monica Jackson, Kiran Gokhani, Danny Dyer, Robert Popper, Rukmini Iyer, Jessica Hines, Stuart Laws, Rose Matafeo and Jason Manzoukas. Either that or Yeele Pasty shop. Ye Olde Pasty.

Yep. Which again do the best pasties in the world. Right. I really feel strongly about this. Yeah. It's been going this business for hundreds of years. You'd hope so if it's called Ye Olde Pasty, right? Ye Olde, yeah.

Well, it's in an old Tudor building. It's a listed building in Bolton. Yeah. So obviously that's been there a long time. And then this pastry business has been going like 200 and something years, it's got a year old pastry shop. The queue goes round the road, it's run at the moment by a woman in her 80s called Mary, she's fabulous, and she's actually got a sculpture of Alma in the window of it, which she tried to give me and I was like, oh no, it's great here, because what do you

do with a sculpture of yourself, it's weird. Anyway, she's brilliant, Mary, and she's been there years. She's had all sorts. Every time you go in, she goes, oh, Ringo Starr's daughter has been ordering pastas. That's true, she gets them shipped over to Paris, I think she's in. Wow. PTK obviously comes in, he parks outside, he won't come out. She comes out for him and brings him loads of pastas. Every time I go she makes me a pasta with my name on it, it's a Sophie on it, it's a really big one. But then she insists that we do a photo shoot.

So she gets out this little red carpet and the banner and I have to hold the pasta like I'm winning a BAFTA. Yeah. Which you have. Yeah, to be fair. But to be fair, the pasta is more impressive. It's brilliant. But I say you're qualified to say that it's like winning a BAFTA. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Do you have to queue now? Even? I always queue anyway. Even though there's a sculpture of you in the front window, you're still queuing. I know, but then she rushes you round. If you don't queue, you end up chatting to her for like 50 minutes. Because you're like, Sophie, come round the back, come round the back. And then I sit there with a cup of tea and we go through every ailment Yeah, yours by the sound of it. Yeah, what food remedies each one? Yeah, but she's quite wild We went to this charity gig together. She was the first one up to suggest a conga

You know last one on the dance floor, but the paste was a bit brilliant Yeah, I'll just tell you about the cheese one. Yes. Very thin pastry. You've never known anything like it. It's soft and thin. Yeah. And then the middle is pure, pure it is it when you, yeah, potato, onion and cheese. And then it's just, it's a delicacy. There's no pasties like it. I really want a pasty now. I've not had pasty in ages. I'm not eating today. Yeah. That's why I'm realizing every food that you describe, I'm like, I'm going to have that after the record. I'm going to have a crumpet. No, actually no, I'm not going to have a pasty. Well, I'll have to send you some down, you old.

Oh my God. No, we'll make the trip. I'll walk there. Get the trip, yeah. I'll walk there. I won't pull a Peter Kane, stay in my car. Yeah. And I'll be mad. Yeah.

Probably not in Bolton though. He's probably more popular in Bolton than you are. PK? Yeah, yeah, probably. Possibly. He ain't been on Taskmaster. So all that sounds great as well, but you want the potato cake from there or from the other place? Well, do you know what?

I think I'll just say in general, we'd go to Ye Olde Pasty Shop. We'd get a potato cake and a pasta. Look, you could have a little, a potato cake and a, and a pasta for the starter, I think. Yeah, if you want a year old, happy shop. It's going to be very carb of this, isn't it? We're going to be knackered, actually. We're eating it as well. Yeah, I thought so.

Are we with you at the dream meal? Well, yeah, I thought so. Yeah, well look, we're very, very happy to come with you, but sometimes people don't want us to be there, you know, they would, some people want to be alone. Some people want to have like family members there, loved ones. No, you've just said two things I don't want us to be there, you know, some people want to be alone, some people want to have like family members there, loved ones. No, you've just said two things I don't want. Alone or with family. All right, we'll come along because I do want to try that pasty desperately.

Fabulous. It's always nice to take people who've not had one. So on Alma, when we were filming the second series, I know that at 11 o'clock I get hungry because you get, you set up at 5 a.m., they feed you at like what, 8 a.m. and then often you don't get food till like 3 p.m. and you don't want to be the difficult diva asking when lunch is but you can feel that you just, so I thought what I'm going to do is I'm going to make sure I've got my 11s's. So I have my driver Chris, I had him specific one, he's my one, and I gave him a kitty for the two months we were filming and every day

in his little bag, he had a special warming bag for me, he would bring me two pastas, a meat and potato and a cheese potato from your pasta shop. But then all the crew were like, oh that looks good. So I was like, what do you want one next? Before I knew it, I was getting 60 pasties a day costing me an absolute fortune. We'd stop at 11 and go, cheese and potato this side, mean potato. It was just mad, you know, chaos. Everyone had a pasta by the end. We were all put on loads of weight together. I absolutely love that you're like, well, you don't want to seem like a diva. So I send my driver with a special warning. I know he's mixed messages, but you have to do these things.

But then if you're buying them for everyone else then as well, you've nailed that. You bring it back around then, don't you? But then surely just, surely that's taken up so much time sorting all the pasties out that you may as well just move lunch earlier. Well, no, because Chris is on it. Chris is on it. Chris fucking knackered by the end end of it dragging sacks of pasties Is he filling the car with him? He's not just he came on as what did they call him because he got a good fee

A lot of emails making sure he got paid for going above and beyond. Yeah, you know, he's not just a driver He's more like me therapist. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah He's lovely. You know, you got a new kitchen He did all right. Yeah, I thought she got used it because it's just full of fucking pasties This toast in the dream restaurant white bread granary I think yeah Granary, I respect that and I want to cut it myself granary. I respect that. And I want to cut it myself. I've had enough of going to somewhere, I'll name a shame Gales, and them saying, do you want it sliced? Because I just don't.

It's too thin. And if I'm going to spend more than I should on bread, I least want to slice it. I don't want to get sliced bread. So, but you're annoyed at Gales for offering you the option. Yeah. Even though they're not doing it and then giving it to you and you're like, I don't want to get sliced bread so but you're annoyed at Gales for offering you the option yeah even that they're not doing it and then giving it to you and you're like I didn't want this slice. I just don't think it should even be an option. I always get my bread sliced. what why? because it it means that I can have a couple of slices of it and I don't feel awful afterwards whereas if I'm cutting it myself I'm cutting doorstep thick slices yeah I'm not very good at doing them uniform yeah you don't need to do them uniform live a little little. You can be able to have a wedge shape. Just enjoy the difference of life. Look, you two are different. We're still like you. We're different slices. Yeah, you're different slices.

There's a doorstep and there's a wedge. I'll take that. I'll take the doorstep and the wedge. I'll take that. I'll have the doorstep for the listener. The doorstep and the wedge. Wedge gamble. You want to slice it. How thick are you slicing it then? I thought we were about to move on from this, but actually there's a lot more to take. Yeah, we actually haven't got into the nitty gritty of the toast. I'd go thick please. Yeah.

How many centimeters we talking? Oh, well what? I don't really know what a centimeter is. It's got to fit in the toaster. What? You don't know what a centimeter is? Right, sorry. I buried the lead there. Yeah. George Willicombe doesn't know what a centimetre is. Alright, what's a sliced piece of toast? One centimetre? No, it'd be less than a centimetre of a slice of toast. Yeah, maybe slightly less. Okay, then probably 1.3 centimeters. Okay so you're not going big

like probably it's got a fit in the toaster. No but I do with sandwiches I have a big thing about ratios. Uh-huh. I think the filling has come to dominate sandwiches in a way that I think is unhealthy. So you're hanging you don't like the filling? No I like you're the only person with this. This is more like you'd imagine me isn't it? Yeah absolutely perfect. Yeah. In my head I was seeing us climbing the charts. We got him. We absolutely got him. Just let him talk. Yeah, you don't like the filling of the sandwich. I don't like the filling of the sandwich. The bread's the best bit. Yeah. I hate it when there's too much filling when there's a thick gelatinous cheese. Delicious.

It's awful. Like, it just stick into your mouth and the bread, it's all about the bread for me. Yeah. Look, bread is of course important in a sandwich. Yeah, I'm glad you've... Of course, I'm willing to admit that. But I like... That's big of you. So would you... So your dream sandwich is just like butter and Marmite or whatever? My dream sandwich would probably be...

That's a different podcast. That's a different podcast. Of sandwich. Yeah, that's of sandwich. Of sandwich. Part of our franchise. Part of your franchise. I'd love you to start franchising it.

My dream sandwich is butter and salt and vinegar squares. I'm glad I asked that question. Had it to go, didn't even have to think about it. I knew what it was, salt and vinegar squares with a sandwich. Are you doing it with salt and vinegar squares because you can fit them perfectly into the sandwich because they're that shape? No, I'm not actually, but that is a bonus. I imagine also they're not

overlapping the salt and pepper squares. No actually I don't mind a little bit of overlap. Like when I do my, I take that over the fear that there'll be a bit where they're not overlapping. Like when you do cheese on cheese and toast. You don't want a gap. You don't want a gap. I'd rather a bit of overlap than a gap.

You'd rather an overlap on cheese and toast where one bit hasn't necessarily melted as much as the others. gap. Yeah, yeah. You'd rather an overlap on cheese and toast where one bit hasn't necessarily melted as much as the others. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there's an overlap. Don't get me started on people who grate cheese and toast. I think we're gonna,

if we get you started on every single issue, we are gonna be here for eight hours. I think a real theme of this is gonna be me realizing I'm not well. Yeah. Yeah. That happens to some people. Yeah. I was looking through my photos on my phone I think a real theme of this is going to be me realizing I'm not well. Yeah.

I was looking through my photos on my phone to remind myself of meals I've enjoyed. Oh no, I'm not well. So much more to Della, so much smoked ham of various kinds. Okay. So what I want to investigate is every time you eat more to Della or smoked ham, are you taking a photo of it? It seems like it! It's not necessarily what you eat all the time. That's what's terrifying. Those are the photos I took. We must assume those times I just enjoyed a mortadella, no pics.

Sure, and even if you are, why are you taking a photo of mortadella? Because I wouldn't say... Who am I sending that to? Yeah, I wouldn't say it's the most picturesque looking thing. Disgusting. Yeah. Delicious. Mortadella is great wouldn't say it's the most picturesque looking thing. Disgusting. Yeah. Delicious. More to tell her it's great. Oh, it's so nice.

I had some the other day actually from Dalesford. Oh, wow. It had pistachios in it. Oh, I actually don't need a pistachio, but I'm happy if it's there. It was more a textural thing than a flavor thing. And I ordered some, like it was on Deliveroo, I think. Wow. Dalesford on Deliveroo? Yeah, it was on Deliveroo, I think. Wow, Dalesford on Deliveroo?

Yeah, it was on like a grocery app. And I got it and my wife, Charlie, was away and I was on tour. So I was getting back quite late and I'd just be getting back from gigs and having a little, a little antipasty. That is chic. Going straight to bed, Mortadella bedtime, bye bye. Mortadella in bed? I think I'd draw the line there.

I have a very, Greasy. High self-awareness for bleak moments. And Mortadella in bed might be crossing the line for me. It sounds lovely, but you'd have to get up. You'd have to have wipes nearby. You'd have to have wipes nearby. There'd definitely be a bit where if I'm lying on my back eating Mortadella where I drop some on my chest, and that would feel weird. Also sometimes there's stringy bits like around the edge, if that got in your tooth and you woke up the next morning, that's sad. I wake up, wake up in the next morning and there's a bit of mortadella next to me. Yeah. Yeah.

I would be like, you killed an age, Charlie. I'm so sorry. Just because she's quite pink. Yeah, she's quite pink. She's full of pistachios. Yeah, full of pistachios. She's a pink lady with green flecks. Yeah. She does like lime green clothes. Oh, but mortadella pre-bed, that's nice. So you have the mortadella pre-bed in the house? In the house? In the bed?

Not in the bed, but only because my longtime lover Nish is weirdly a clean freak, despite every aspect of his personality that you are all aware of. And you know, cause he's just like a sort of jovial, big energy, hairy, handsome man. And then- You made him sound like Santa. That's only in my head I'm thinking of the Muppet playing the drums. Animal. Animal.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I would. So he would be very furious with food in bed. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. If I have my own bed, which I'm pushing for.

One day. Absolutely. I could have food in that bed. Crumb bed. Love bed. Two separate rooms. Two separate rooms. Crumb bed and love bed. Yeah.

And Nish is never going in the crumb bed. He wouldn't want it. So he's setting up residence in the love bed. Yeah. And you're flitting between crumb and love. He can't bring the love bed on his own. That's sad. That's sad. He's got to have another bed. He wouldn't want to. So he's setting up residence in the love bed. You're flitting between crumb and love. He can't bring the love bed on his own. That's sad. He's got to have another bed. You have the third bed. Well, what does he need a bed alone for? Uh, you know more than us. You two would know more than me.

Well, when we lived in a flat together, like, just like maybe worrying. Worrying. Yeah. If you could go and have a separate bed for worrying in. You could have a little worrying bed. Yeah, a little worrying bed. Love bed is the one on its own. Don't you dare bring the worrying or crumbs into the love bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also I don't want worrying in my crumb bed either. Especially worrying about the crumb. That's actually a place of pure bliss. That's the best bed.

That's the best bed. My crumb bed, and in my mind it's a divan, you know, like a sort of sofa bed, a day bed, you know, so it's, it's kind of a reclining energy. Is this where you want to have your dream meal in the love bed or the crumb bed? Do you remember in Sex and the City or any New York representation of the 90s, and they would always take them to a club called bed and there'd be like a big room with lots of beds in it. And if I've made this up, wow, that mortadela has gone to my head. And it would be like the cool nightclub thing to do, sit in a bed, wipe the head. And I always thought, I actually don't know if I like reclining when food is around when

there are other people there. So am I alone in the dream restaurant or is there a blue genie looking at me? Whatever you want to do. I don't have to be there. I can magic it into the restaurant for you. Magic in and out. You need never deal with another person in the restaurant. Then who am I going to talk to about how nice the food is?

Yeah, that's true. Who am I going to make the noises to? You've got to make the noises at someone. Yeah. I mean, I've had some fantastic meals alone, but you are missing something if you're not making the noises of people and then you find yourself, for example, taking photos of everything and sending it to people. Yeah.

And I'm with Nish when he's sending those photos to you, so that is bleak. So I know I don't want to be in a bed, but I wouldn't mind a bed being nearby after. Straight after. Straight after. My favourite dubs are Frank's. I like Frank's because it's very vinegar and it makes you sweat from here. I always think that's a good sign. Frank's.

Frank's Buffalo Sauce. Yeah, I wouldn't even describe that as a dip. So this is the level you're operating on now. What do you have to describe as a dip? A hot sauce. It's a sauce? A sauce. A hot sauce. A jus, whatever you can. No, a dip? I'm thinking you could get a pot of it and then you're dipping it in.

I'm sorry, yeah, she's done you that. No, a sauce you're putting on top of something. She's absolutely done you that. No, you're not even listening to me. You know the difference between a dip and a sauce. Yeah, I do. Is anything, I think anything you could eat with your tongue is classified as a dip. The tongue is the ultimate spoon.

The tongue is the ultimate spoon. Okay, now I fully believe. Look, that is a dip. Listen, since she was chosen, categorically a hot sauce. So you are correct, but she done you with the shoe thing. Absolutely done you. Okay, so we're going for buffalo sauce. Yeah. Hahaha. Absolutely. I like it. Um, okay. So we're going for buffalo sauce.

Buffalo sauce. I like that green dip that you get from an undine. Do you know the wee hairby one? Yeah. It's sort of like an undine pesto. It doesn't taste anything like pesto. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that.

Quite fresh, quite sort of zingy. Ah, quite fresh. And green chilli in there as well. Bit of green chilli. I love a spice. Lot of the lime pickle also from the Indian Yes, I wouldn't know you be a big woman for salsa or Sour cream or anything like that. No, you're cream. I think to me is fucking gross every time

I meet a new person from Ireland who I've not met before. Yeah, I learned a new phrase that I didn't know existed I didn't know I wouldn't be a big woman I've never heard that before and every time I'm like I love that phrase I would like to steal it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah There were certain things I could get away with saying on stage. Yeah. Yeah, I think cuz you've got a bit of a ginger G no, but you could say any Irish foods and it would be believable but like oh I get to decide how it eats your food. Yes. They got okay. Yeah, so how am I eating the the biryani? Well, you've got the biryani. Oh, yeah I guess I'd like you eat it've got the biryani. Oh yeah. How am I eating the one for the lump price? I guess I'd like you to eat it one grain at a time. Oh no. That's, that's something. You've got a banana leaf to play with.

Oh yeah. You can use, you can use that. You have to lick the banana leaf clean at the end. Yeah. Yeah. But you have to eat one grain of rice at a time and then just lick everything else off the banana leaf. I think that genuinely sounds like torture to me. That's awful. That's given the idea of eating, having an amazing like flavorsome meal and I'm hungry and I've got to eat one grain of rice at a time. Yeah. That's like when you were a kid and they were saying chew everything 32 times.

Did you guys have that? Yeah. There's always this thing like chew your food 32 times. I'm in the opposite position. My eldest son who hates eating for some reason, it's really upsetting. He's his five year old and you know, I just finished battles at breakfast with him and give him a bite and he's got this really good way of hiding food in his cheek. Like a hamster. Like a hamster. Yeah.

And you know, it just fills up and like there days I've caught him with a slice of pizza there about an hour and a half later. Like he's gone off to play something, he's gone to a class and he's come back and he's like, he's been eating then the teachers like, oh, was he chewing gum? I said, no, it's like what's in his mouth? And he's like, Oh, I've got pizza has now become too dry. Can I spit it out? I said, just ask me earlier. But it's a bit like him. Like I tell him, eat fast as we always grew up saying 32 bites. And that was really frustrating.

Yeah. You've got to chew everything so many times. I was told that as well. There was no chance I was listening to that. Four or five times at most. Just enough to make sure it sort of doesn't kill you you on the way. Yeah, just to get it down. Yeah Yeah Also, I can't be counting in it like that Fall asleep. Yeah Yeah, forget it man. Just change his flavor after while you have to like five six bites a day something does it? Yeah Yeah, no, thank you. No, you can have as many bites as you like in the drink restaurant. Yeah. Okay. Except him.

It has to be a great set of times. I have to eat grain by grain. Yeah. Yeah. After slamming a pancake into my face with all the filling on my hand. Yeah. Pancake first. I think that's fair. Pancake last. Huh?

Pancake last. Pancake goes on last and then goes in your mouth first. Right. Okay. So important. Yes. Thank you. Actually, maybe the banalif. Do you want me to wear it like blue? Yeah. I was going to say. Do you want me to wear it like Baloo? Yes. Yes. Can I leave the restaurant? Are you much of a foodie, Danny? I eat a lot of shit, so I

don't know much about food, but I realise that, you know, I do eat a lot of shites and I always have. I Don't know why, I don't know why that is. That quick fix of just flavour. That's the game I'm in really. I can quite easily just fly through a pack of, you know them processed cheese, but the dairy-ly ones. It's better than a triangle because it's all getting out of the triangle. Yeah. But you know, I can sit on me arm just opening them, just smashing them down. No bread, no crackers. Like the slices.

Like the slices. The Dairy Lee slices. Yeah, yeah. You know, I mean, the thing is if you sort of on your set, you just smothered with all the little wrappers around you, which is no good. And it's interesting, it was hot last night and I had a fan on, so every time I took the cheese out of its thing the rappers were flying all over the gaff and it was a fucking mess. So yeah, I do eat a lot of processed stuff, hence why I've got a pair of tits. I think that's it, isn't it? First time actor. I think that's the reason for tits in men, I think it's processed food. Processed cheese, straight to the tits.

But you think if it's Dairy Lee, you stand half a chance, I mean it's better than the other. Sort of just the Morrisons one, you know what I mean? Just the sort of really yeller-y one, you know what I mean? At least it's Dairy Lee. So an answer to your question, no I'm not a foodie, I wish I was. I think as you get older in life, maybe you learn more about grub. It's all about the gut health in it now, I know about all that probiotic

violence, but you just can't be fucked at the moment. It's a science, isn't it? It's a science. It sort of takes the joy out of food though, if you're thinking about the science. I think eventually I would like to maybe learn about the gut health more. I don't know when. Maybe like in between cheese slices you can google it and look up. You couldn't you could never cheese slice it you know because it all starts with a gut so I can't imagine what my guts are going through. And I do apologize. If I had a starter okay if I had a starter. You don't have to have one. No no no I've been thinking it through. I would have soup. I like soup. I like chicken soup. I like vegetable soup. But it's weird. I can't really have soup in a restaurant. I feel it's kind of, it makes you look quite vulnerable. You know, just

like ages you 30 years, first of all, just a hot soup and everyone's looking at you with your soup. So that's more like something you have at home with your partner and it's cold and you go, well, nice soup. And it was lovely soup. Yeah, you just talk about the soup, it's lovely soup, I'd have that. But in a restaurant I don't want to have soup. What about it makes you feel vulnerable do you think? And why do you think everyone's looking at you while you have your soup? I just always feel when I have a soup in a restaurant that I just look older. What am I now, 26? I just feel like it just makes

you look like an old person having soup in a restaurant. It's not a good look. I think people pity the soup drinker. That's why I think that's what I'd say. Yeah. I think it's pity. Do you have the napkin tucked into you? I could choose an old there then, couldn't I? You could have no one there. Or you could eat, you know, like the, the autelain thing, that French dish where they eat it under a blanket because they're so ashamed by how disgusting it looks. What is that? It's this tiny little bird. Yeah, they don't want God to see them eating this tiny little bird. Yeah. What's wrong with the bird? Well, it's just so small and beautiful that it's like considered a shameful thing to eat

because it's delicious but it's like a whole little bird. They're eating it whole. They're eating it whole so they put a blanket over their head so God can't see them eat it. And it's a cooked bird. Yeah, I think they've never seen it. They eat it whole. I think the beak and everything, yeah. And this is a thing now?

This happens now? I think it's more of a thing in the past but it was on succession, right? Yeah, they did it on succession. Oh, not that one. I saw that. It's the episode of Succession where Tom Wamsgan's does it. But you could do that with soup. Yeah, no, I think people people look at me even more.

I know they would be looking at me. Yeah. Do you tuck a napkin into your car? I can't do that. Yeah, that's too. Do you put a napkin? It's demeaning. It is demeaning, but yeah, I do do it.

But I know what I'd have. Okay. Before dinner at home around six, I always get a bit peckish, hungry, you know, that word. And I will have a bowl of cereal. This is my dream. This is what I want. I'm allowed it. I'm going to have a bowl of cereal. I'm going to have a bowl, right? 50% cornflakes. They go in first. 50% rice crispies. That's fucking mad. But I'm going to have this. Is it what you do? Yeah. Honey. Yeah. I don't want it served with the thing that shaped the wooden thing

with the thing that looks like, you know, bees on the end and it drips everywhere. Squeezy honey on it. Cold oat milk. Yeah. And I want that. Now in terms of soup ages. I would really enjoy that. Soup ages you 30 years. Yeah.

Does cereal have the opposite effect? That's a good point. Yeah. Forever young. It would not. It would knock a good point. Yeah, for if I'm young. It would knock a month off. Yeah. Yeah, at least. No one's gonna be looking.

Yeah. But I could choose who's there if not, could I have a button, like you know, you see sometimes it says call for champagne and then you can have a button on it and it changes the people. Yeah, yeah, sure. So who do you want watching?

Well, I know who I want, yes. Yeah, yeah, because I saw these people in a restaurant and I had a meal about five years ago with Tom Rosenthal and Simon Berg from Friday night dinner. We had a disgusting meal somewhere. All the food was awful. It was brilliant. And, uh, sitting at a table about four away from us was Alistair Campbell, you know, the labor with Mick Hucknall. Wow. Yeah. They were together. They were together having dinner.

So I want them, but like every table has them,all. Wow. Yeah. They were together. They were together having dinner. So I want them, but like every table has them, like 20 tables. All there eating, having different conversations. I can't quite hear them. I don't know if they're talking about politics or music and it's quite annoying, but interesting and I'll have them there and they can watch me eat. So 20 tables of Mick Hucknall and Alastair Campbell. Yeah, I want that.

While I'm having my cereal, just so I can tell people afterwards, I had the freakiest meal. I had cereal and 20 replica Mick Hucknall and Alastair Campbell were watching me eat. Are they moving in sync? Are they all? No, they're not moving in sync. So they're all having their own? Yeah, they don't even know.

They don't see themselves and go, that's me. They're just in like their own little void. Having different conversations. Yeah, I can never quite hear them yeah wonder what they were doing together i don't know maybe mick huckland was the original instead he was supposed to do the rest is politics instead of rory stewan yeah that was the original meeting yeah could have been yeah it could have been that couldn't it could have been that yeah would it be more successful or less successful i feel like it's the opposing Labour conservative that makes that show work. And you can't have both of them being Simply Read.

Oh, beautiful. I mean, beautiful. That was, I mean, come on. If this was live, that would be it. And then someone would heckle something about 15 seconds later. That's not quite as funny. Yeah. It's blaming it. Someone would try and do it.

A simply read song that doesn't quite work. The name. I can't think what that is. Fairground. Yeah. That definitely doesn't work. Fairground! That joke was fairground. The bowl of cereal, you say 50-50. Because it's a dream, we can make anything happen. Do you want the divide to happen horizontally or vertically? do you want it? No, I'm gonna go horizontal Yeah, I would want a vertical. How do you do that? What's the dream?

We may just have to make this happen for you that you've got like half and half like from the top I'm saying that when me and Peter Sarah Finowich used to write look around you I'll treat at the end of the day was we buy Mars bar Mars bar, right? And we'd cut it in half vertically and call it a Vars bar. And that was our treat. So maybe in honour of that I should do this, you know, have it vertical. I love the insanity that people go through when they're writing stuff. Come on, you know what it's like. It was our Vars bar. We'd have it one a day. He did a thing which was something like, all the fun of a Mars in a mist It's like a Mars spray that you spray into your mouth

What does it if a Mars a day helps you work rest and play right? Work rest and pray Just wondering what Avars did. Yeah what does Avars do? Oh god. Is that like Vest and Ve? I don't know what it is. I'm trying to, I'm not, I could do a workout on what it rhymes with. You've got to leave this in. This is no way coming out. You've got to leave this in. I just don't know James. I don't have a funny answer to that. So guys, do you know what? I think it takes a grown up to admit that. It's very mature of you. Thank you very much. I. I wish more God's help. You're a comedy writer. Yeah. But you've admitted. Failure. I'm stumped. POPDOMS OR BREAD! POPDOMS OR BREAD, RIC BIDDIER! POPDOMS OR BREAD! It's definitely bread. I hate POPDOMS. They're grim.

Hate them? Rare to get hatred for one of them. No, I really hate them. They're so nothing. It's like biting into just, just, just, it doesn't taste of anything. It was your, you wanted a flavored breadstick. I don't want to play poppadom. I just don't want a poppadom. They're just, they're just no very, very good. Shots fired. They can go in the bin.

So what are you, what are you doing then? Cause obviously you're saying you love, you love a breadstick at the beginning of the meal. It's nice to, you know, get going with something. If it's there. If it's there. But when the poppadom's there and there's no other food knocking around, are you dipping into the poppadom? I'm going to say I food knocking around, are you dipping into the poppadoms? I'm going to say I'm going to avoid the curry house as well.

Are you? Just completely? Yes. If the poppadoms there, it's like, God, I know I'm in here now and now I'm going to have to eat a restaurant curry. And you probably get this with any Indian heritage chef who comes on, but you know, restaurant curry is just like not what you eat at home. It's always like one source.

It's very gloopy. Like my entire life when friends ask, should we go and get a curry? I was like, absolutely fucking not. Or if we have to, then I just, you know, sadly disappointed the entire meal. And I don't drink beer either. And I think that goes well with a curry. I can see that they go together. It's the whole ritual of it. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, Popadoms, like they will herald like a poor evening's dining for me. So that's probably why. Whereas bread on the other hand is great. And then you get to have all the butter. And again, I kind of keep on thinking about European holidays, probably

because I'm so desperate to get out of the house and maybe the country on holiday. But you go on holiday with your mates when you're a teenager and you sit down and they bring bread and then everyone's like, Ooh, this is really nice extra virgin olive oil. I'm just like, no, butter, British or butter. Yeah. I don't want my bread to kind of taste of, you know, like olive oil, grassy notes, you know, I want my bread to taste like grass. I just want it to taste like butter, please.

Ideally salted. Yeah. I'm always butter over olive oil, but if there is nice olive oil, I still think, you know. No. Is it the, and the really green olive oil as well? Are you nice olive oil, I still think, you know, is it the, and the really green olive oil as well, are you against that? I'm not against it. I think I don't have a specific, yeah, I know, just add it on to all the other things. Not grass, not like a cat. I don't, I don't think I'd want to

add it on. I get, I get putting it in a salad dressing, but my palate is not sophisticated enough. Let's put it that way. I don't think that's the reason at all. I think you're very modest. Yeah. I like being sort of like, like smacked around the face with that flavor, but not kind of, just not grass. Your dream side dish. Dream side dish would probably be fried halloumi just comes off the top of my head.

Yeah. Halloumi to introduce myself. Let it come off, let it come off the top head. Yeah. Halloumi to introduce myself. Let it come off, let it come off the top of your head. Halloumi to introduce myself. I've heard a lot of halloumi puns. I've never heard that one. Yeah. Enjoy.

Cause hello me, I hear quite a lot, you know. It's funny how there are certain things, the words that people hear and you just can't help it. So obviously when you hear halloumi, you can't help but hear in your head Yeah, someone told me the other day that they can't look at alien Broadway without thinking about feeling horny And unfortunately because of the way podcasts work there will be a large amount of people listening to this now Yeah, then we'll have the same thing. Yeah, that will happen. That was just go in there Yeah

With both hello me tooumi to introduce myself and the feeling for me. Halloumi is something that I think that's why I could never not, like I could never not eat fried halloumi when it's really delicious and juicy and like crispy on the outside. And it's got a little bit of whatever dip, but obviously essentially it would be the sweet chili sauce. That would be the main thing that you'd want. I mean, I think so, right? We've been very anti-sweet chilli sauce on this podcast. Yeah, I'm still anti-sweet chilli sauce.

Wow, okay. Let's go there because I need to catch up. Because that's how they serve it. Nando's as well with sweet chilli sauce. Okay, and you don't like that? No, I don't touch it. I just like the halloumi. Okay, why Ed? I can just go straight, just straight halloumi. Yeah, but why? Sweet chilli sauce, you may as well have a tub of jam.

I think it's too sweet. Wow. I feel like there's almost nothing chili in it. It's just pure sweetness. Wow. I kind of feel the same way. Halloumi. Wow.

To introduce myself. What would you have with that? What would you prefer? I'd go normal, just straight halloumi. If I'm having Nando's, I can do like a hot sauce with it, maybe, but I could just eat the fried halloumi. So here's the situation, okay? Like like just for example just just hypothetically this is a lovely big plate of fried halloumi the perfectly crispy little ones a little bit joined the cheeky ones

that you'll go for it's a little bit bigger delicious fresh still a bit squidgy glistening they're glistening there's a lovely big tub of sweet chilli sauce in the middle. You're telling me you're going to go up to that plate of loomi, you're going to pick up a piece of that sweet juicy salty cheese and you're not going to dip it in the chili sauce. You're not going near it. What planet are you from? What is going on there? Why? Why? I just don't like sweet chili sauce.

I think it takes away from the flavor. Take us back, talk us through it. When did this happen? Well, when did sweet chili sauce first become big? Probably the nineties? Yes. Yeah. So it's probably back in the nineties.

A lot of kids were really into it. Yes. And it just wasn't my scene. I. A lot of kids were really into it. Yes. And it just wasn't my, it wasn't my scene. I thought I'm a bit more grown up than this. Okay. Is it because it was sweet? Did something happen? Well, it's just like to me, like having melted down Haribo's and sweeties aren't my thing. I'm not into sweeties. I don't have a really sweet. You are. Cause you like sweet jelly. So, wow. Hello me to apologize. And then he should not have said that you like sweet jelly sauce. Wow. Oh, hallowed me to apologize on Espejana. You should not have said that. You're a guest

on this podcast. So when did you stop liking sweet things? Oh, so I'm type one diabetic. Okay. I don't, but I don't think it has anything to do with that. I like sweet things. I eat desserts. I enjoy sweet, but I don't like pure sugar sweet things. I don't know if that's connected to my type one diagnosis, but also I just think it's a shame. I like spice and I feel like the sweetness in the sweet chili sauce is outweighs the spice too much. Do you think it's a bit patronizing to the chili? I think it's patronizing to the chili. I think that people eat it, they're like, oh, I'm having chili. You're not. You think that's what people are thinking you think you lot are eating the sweet chili sauce and go I like

spicy things you don't you're eating jam maybe they're just eating maybe they're just not thinking I like spicy things they're just enjoying the sweet chili sauce that could be happening yeah the thing is is I wouldn't normally have sweet chili sauce on much else but when it comes with a fried halloumi side yeah with sweet chili sauce there's no way I'm not gonna dip that halloumi in there there's just no way yeah see I'm not I'm not even gonna dip it I had some halloumi fries recently at a festival how are they they were really good do you know I did I've got a dip okay yeah what was it garlic mayo okay'd you feel about that? I feel that is a fantastic

idea. Yeah, it was. That was good. I didn't know what that okay signified. And it was double dairy, which felt weird. I double dairy you. I loomed me to double dare you. So that was good, but there was sweet chilli available and I didn't dip. Do you know what is delicious is real mayonnaise, like homemade mayonnaise, like actual mayonnaise that isn't and I feel like- Someone panic bought eggs in the pandemic. That was hollandaise. That was the hollandaise.

That was the hollandaise months. That was the hollandaise months, exactly. But yeah, no, I can see that. Yeah. Like, oh, lovely. I mean, a lovely good mayo. I mean, who's not what, what is not to love that. I'm going to counteract what I said a little bit here.

Isn't that a bit cloying though? Sorry. It was a bit. It was a bit claggy. Wow. Okay. Thank you for admitting that. Thank you for being honest about that. Hello me very much.

What? Well, I don't know, I was trying my own one. Hello me very much. Yeah. And hello to you too. Yeah. I think it's closed now. The Ginger Man in Boston, they had buttermilk chicken sliders with hot sauce and pickles. Yeah. It's, I think it's closed now. The ginger man in Boston, they had buttermilk

chicken sliders with hot sauce and pickles and then like a roasted Brussels with a balsamic reduction and bacon. So that's one dish. That's one. Yes. I'll let him have that. Yeah. Of course you would. You're the ginger man. But case closed. Yeah, chicken sliders with hot sauce and pickles. Perfect. More and more in my life now, all I want my food to do is just tear my mouth apart. Yes, yeah, yeah. And then the next day, tear. Yeah, oh dear. The other side apart.

Dick. I want my food to tear my dick apart. Having a piss the next morning, oh fucking hell I'd have carried arse down. Oh Christ, Jesus Christ, the pickles coming out of it. I've really got into just having a big jar of pickles at home lately. Yeah. Yeah. With you? Yeah. Just started doing it. My dad was obsessed with pickles as a kid, it sort of put me off them a little bit. Oh really? Yeah. You'll love this. I worked with someone recently who's so obsessed with pickle backs that if she goes into a pub with her friends and they don't have the pickle juice to do pickle backs, she'll go to a supermarket and buy a jar of pickles so she can use the brine and someone texted her and said, you've been in this pub recently? She was like, yeah, how do you know?

She went, I've just found half a jar of pickles in the toilet. Hahahaha been in this pub recently?" She was like, yeah, how do you know? She went, I've just found half a jar of pickles in the toilet. That's why the backs of toilets are often covered so you can't put your pickles down. Yeah, that's a deleted scene from Godfather as well. But there's a pickle back that goes in, they got it taped to the back of the system. Don't worry. in they got it taped to the back of the scissors. Don't worry. Are you just dunking in your like fork trying to like spear one? If I'm eating something already and I've got a fork handy but otherwise I'll just put my fingers in. Really? Yeah. No one else is eating those pickles in the house. I'm not the only one who's into it. Private pickles? Yeah. Is he on the case as well? Private pickles, any clues? He actually didn't get accepted by the army so he's staying nearby and he keeps doing the tests to get in. Yeah. But he can't get in. He can't get in. It's a

shame. For Halloween would you do that big bowl of pickle brine and then pickles in it and then dunking in to try and get a pickle? Oh, it's a complicated question. It's a yes, no, it's a yes, no. If I walked into a Halloween party and that was already set up. Yeah. But you're not setting it up. I'm not doing that. No. I'm not.

I don't want to do it enough that I'm going to do it. Because it's a statement. If people turn up at yours and you've set it up, like, fucking hell. Well, you're not having anyone over for a start. I'm not having anyone over. I wouldn't want to. But like, if someone was like, yeah, you got to do this. Yeah. I forget it. But if I walked in and it was just there and people were like, we're all doing this to it.

Yeah. Bob for pickles. Before they even look back at you, your head fully submerged. Yeah. I'm definitely getting one. Yeah. I'm definitely going to get one. I'm not going to not get a pickle.

Yeah. It would have to be different size pickles as well to make it harder for some people. Those little tiny ones. I'm definitely getting one. I'm definitely going to get one, I'm not going to not get a pickle. It would have to be different sized pickles as well to make it harder for some people. Those little tiny ones? Cornichons. Cornichons, yeah. Tiny little cornichons, yeah. Those big ones you get in petrol stations where you get one pickle in the packet.

Yeah. I bought a couple of them for my sister's birthday the other day. She loves them. I don't understand. One of them is called a sour sis. I don't know why you're both looking at me like this. Did you buy her anything else? Yeah, I got her tickets to Groundhog Day. No one's ever bought that present. Tickets to Groundhog Day and two big pickles. I, as my starter, I choose a Japanese wax figure of food. Okay? So I'm choosing wax.

I can't answer any more questions. You've been in, now you have been into these things for a long time. Yeah. Wax or resin? When did you get into the wax foods and watching videos of them on YouTube? So, probably from a long time ago, I think Verna Herzog actually did a straight, like a, did a documentary clip about this that was on early YouTube. Since then, a lot more content is on YouTube about the Japanese art of making fake food.

You guys know this, you've both been to Japan this year. Also, I'm married to my wife. This is true. I've seen it happen. And also we have a big melting wax ice cream on our mantelpiece from Japan. Well, wax is sort of an old school version. I think this is a resin maybe. This is resin, yeah.

So the most popular YouTube video is watching people make lettuce and wax, but it's just, it's honestly one of the most beautiful things to watch. It brings a tear to the eye. Are these the same things that, so there's a video that my wife, Charlie, watches a lot and is like, I'll come watch this video again. Amy Sedaris is obsessed with fake food and has a whole house full of fake food. Yeah. And Charlie shows that to me as if like, oh, this is what I want to be. I want to be this lady. I'm like, I don't see anyone else living with that lady.

I would live with Charlie. I've got that in common massively. But it's fake food is so, so, oh, it's so exciting. I mean, for those who don't know what I'm talking about, it's in Japan, right? Instead of like menus sometimes in the windows, you'll make fake versions of the meals and they're just so accurate. Right? It's insane.

They used to do it out of wax, now they do it out of plastic. But yeah, the process is absolutely incredible. There's whole like, there's districts in Tokyo where all of the shops just sell those things. And it is fun to look around at them. I do like it. And I really like the pint glasses with the beer pouring into it. I really like that one. Can we talk about for one second the damn bowl of ramen noodles with the chopsticks

going up and down outside of restaurants? There's one in London. I think there's one in London. There is, in West London. Yeah. I love that. Outside the Japan store. Yeah. Do you like the... I can't remember where it is, in West London. Yeah. I love that. Outside the Japan store.

Yeah. Do you like the, I can't remember where it is now. You two might remember. There's a statue of a boy running away from a dog and the dog's pulling his trousers down and you can see his butt. No. There's a statue outside a restaurant. Is that cute?

Yeah. I didn't see that statue. That's great. We went back there. Did you guys go to the Cup Noodle Museum in Osaka? No. You've been there. That's cool. You can make your own cup noodle. Yeah. Cup Noodle Museum in Osaka? No. You've been there. That's cool.

You can make your own cup noodle. Yeah. What did you put in yours? Corn, spring onions, mushrooms maybe. I didn't, I never ate it though. No, you prefer a fake one. I did get a candle that looked like a cup noodle. Well, there you go.

Another wax food. 100%. So yeah, if someone brought out a cup noodle looking candle, wax candle for my starter, I'd be like, that's really it. So hang on. So we've discussed it now. So now I need to wrap my head around this. Yeah.

You don't want to start it to the extent you'd rather just look at something that looks like food that you can't eat. I want a novelty. You want a novelty? I want to, yeah, a favour, a party favour. So you're taking this home with you? Yeah. Yeah, OK.

And what is the food again, the wax? Mm, yeah, that's a really good question. Maybe just a lettuce, a head of lettuce. So not even something that would be a good starter. I think though, have you ever seen Rose watch these videos? No, I'm not sure. I've seen Rose watch these videos and I'd say it's as much pleasure as people get from having a starter because- Wow, I know. I saw it once.

Yeah. You were sitting there with your hands folded across your chest. And every time they made a different food, Rosa would go, lettuce. It's imaginary. Yeah. Cucumber. Pickle. I like, I just would say it to herself and it was calming and really just seeing that she's

in a very happy place watching it. So do you want them to bring it out and it's made or do you want someone to come out and make it in front of you? That's a great question. Yeah, that's actually true. I want to see it made. To be honest, maybe I just want a YouTube video. I want an iPad.

No, this is a dream restaurant. We can bring you out an expert on that. I can get see it. To be honest, maybe I just want a YouTube video. I want an iPad. Well, no, this is a dream restaurant. We can bring you out an expert on that. I can get the guy. Yeah, you can get the guy to make it in front of you and then you can sit there and silently go ladies. You know what I've upgraded to? I've upgraded to a YouTube account called DancingBacons. There's a man who goes around and goes to the most interesting vending machines all

around the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Andending machines all around the world. And it's all point of view. And he has not one negative review of any of the foods that he eats. So like my favorite ones are when he goes on like a Japanese overnight ferry and he only can eat from the vending machines and it's very silent. And it's just so it's the most, it's like a brain, it's like the washing of my brain to watch a man order things from a vending machine.

Just eat it and enjoy it. Oh man. Yeah. So, but I think for the purposes of the restaurant, I want to see a man come out, give me a full, a full lettuce, chop it in half. Yeah. I want to see the cross section. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And then I want everyone to clap. Everyone. Yeah. Who else is there? I don't know. Around table.

A crowd. A crowd. A crowd has gathered. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because A round table. A crowd. A crowd has gathered. Of course a crowd has gathered. And then we see him make the knife hot. Cut through the lettuce. There you go. And that's your starter. Hard to beat.

I don't want to say it early, but hard to beat. Your dream main course. Now I'm looking forward to hearing the Shadow. But we're out of the shadows with that now. Wait, so my question is this, gentlemen, and here's my question. I think there needs to be an option for a middle course, like a pasta course, a secundi.

You can do that. Okay. Yeah. I would like the pasta that Steve Coogan's daughter makes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because listening to the episode where he described the pasta that she makes that he wanted, I was like, oh, I want that too.

That sounds fantastic and like light and clean, perfect for like a mid meal plate. I want Steve Coogan's daughter's pasta. And I don't mean that in any gross way. So don't come at me for this. It's the pasta from the episode. I want that pasta. Is this the first time a guest has directly taken something

from another guest's free menu that they haven't had? It is, and I'm very happy that it happened. I'm glad. I haven't even considered this as a menu hack, but... Quite exciting. I'm delighted. I can't even remember what the pasta was. It was like a very, like I said, it was like a very light, simple pasta

that had like, I think he said broccoli or it was like with greens in it. It had like, it was like a, almost like an aglio e olio, but with greens. It was not a heavy sauced pasta or anything like that. So I was like, oh, that sounds great and perfect for, cause I would like my main to be a steak. You know, my main is going to be a steak. I want something light. I don't want like a heavy meat sauce or a, you know, some sort of like real beefy pasta.

I want something light. So that's, I thought that was a great pasta when he said it. So I'll take it. Do you have the shadow secundi? Such a good question. Of course I do, Ed. I feel like my shadow secundi would be like, cause the other thing that I'm missing,

which I would love that is a little bit more of an appetizer, is a charcuterie plate. The shadow meal is little bites, is more like pita hummus, Greek salad, like to me charcuterie with some pickles and some, you know, all that kind of stuff, that kind of a plate, I love, but not so much cheese. I'm not a big cheese person. Makes me quite gassy. So,

Is it too close to egg in your mind, maybe? No, because I used to be able to eat cheese, but now it just upsets my stomach. So I just have to steer clear of it. But it's, I love cheese. It's great. But it really is nice. The older I get, the more my stomach is like, we'd really rather not. You know, this is not for us anymore. We don't do can't do dairy anymore. Can't really do anything that really challenges my stomach very much. Yeah. So the charcuterie shadows secundi. I think so. Can you say that really quick? The charcuterie shadows secundi. Yeah.

Can you say that really quick? The charcuterie shadows secundi. Yeah. You can tell this guy is... I'm having a great time. He's acted with the best of them. You give him a line. Oh, I can do it. I can do it. Secundi shadow... wait, what was it?

Charcuterie shadows secundi. Yeah. Charcuterie shadows secundi. Oh yeah, you got the full range. Oh yeah. I'm really excited that you've taken something from another guest's menu Especially because like I know that Steve thought we'll hear this podcast. Yes. Oh great, and it'll be a nice surprise Oh, I hope so and it sounds like you're making a wonderful pasta. So congrats

Lovely stuff James's diet coke story hasn't had much airtime this year, but he did get a chance to tell it to Killer Mike. And he didn't give a shit. What a cruel thing to write. He's absolutely delighted with himself sitting in his little chair right now that he's written that. Yeah, he didn't give a shit though, but it made me laugh that we had Killer Mike on. Yeah, that was funny. Yeah. Funny that we did that. I definitely feel one of those big, but you can't have a big, those big whiskey cubes, if I saw that in any of a drink, I wouldn't be able to take it seriously.

Someone gave me like a Coke and it's got that in it. I'm like, are you kidding me? I can't drink this. Cokes, I've broken an addiction to, I literally just loved Coca-Cola and I'm from Atlanta, home of Coca-Cola and I'm from Atlanta, home of Coca-Cola. So I haven't had a Coke since when? Since December 31st last year. Wow. Yeah, I haven't had a Coca-Cola.

So it was a New Year's resolution, was it? Well, I just was like, man, you gotta break the Coke addiction. So not even resolutions, it's just like, let me see how long I can go. I did cheat once, I had a float. So I do like vanilla ice cream, so I did do that. Well that's difficult to resist. Two of the best things in a glass together. Yeah, that's true. Also then it's a dessert, right? Yeah, I did it as a dessert. I did.

That's the equivalent of like one big ice cube in a scoop of ice cream. That's as close as you'll get in a Coke. That's it. That's fine. I don't think that even counts as cheating on... Yeah, I did that. I felt my stomach hadn't had a coke or ice cream in a minute So I spent the rest of the day in the bathroom Yeah, I was literally just looking like this like damn it was worth it though Smoking a joint on the toilet in a hotel hoping I don't get charged for

No Benito you want problems with me and Benito? I once didn't have a Coke for five years. What? And then I started drinking Diet Coke. And now Diet Coke tastes exactly like Coke. I won't do Diet Coke or Coke Zero. Coke Zero, I will say, got the taste of Coke better. But when it's like, okay, Coke is sugar, fructose is not.

But then you'll be on the internet and they'll say, diet coke, even worse than coke, it makes your balls fall off. And I'm just like, what? Why does diet soda kill us quicker than regular soda? People get weird about artificial sweeteners, right? Yeah, they do.

I've never heard the theory that it makes your balls fall off. Basically, that's what this one said. I've never heard the theory that it makes your balls fall off. Yeah Well, I mean, you know, basically that's what this one said now just like well, I want my balls So I probably I'll probably just drink more water eat watermelon You're your balls fall off and then rich people use them as ice cubes. Yeah, that's that's usually how I would imagine Evil bastards But listen, there's one thing I love and it's puddings Now read it out read it stick to the script I sit the script

But if there's one thing James loves its puddings and he loved the idea of a dessert hype man with Carrie Brownstein But I think there should be a rule that once you've ordered the desserts and in between Ordering them and the desserts coming, don't talk about, uh, desserts in anything other than a positive way. Don't sit there talking to each other. Cause then it's almost like the guilt sets in as soon as everyone's ordered the desserts, they all think, Oh man, we shouldn't have done that. We had a massive meal. We shouldn't be eating this much more.

And when people start doing anecdotes about, Oh yeah, cause I had this i'm but i'm trying not to now and like now i've found that if you just have a little bit of something and then you just put it back in the thing and then you start talking about those kind of things with one another so you're already like basically making yourself feel bad about eating the dessert and then the desserts turn up and you're like well i already hate myself for having this now whereas we should have all just gone you, you know what I love? I love ice cream so much. I can't wait for this. That'd be a much better chat. But instead you have this like diplomatic conversation about desserts, which just ruins it, ruins the fun. So you want those five minutes in between ordering and the arrival of the dessert to be more hype oriented. Yeah. Yeah. Like really just

getting everyone extra excited about what's about to happen. I also get annoyed by the person or people who claim that they don't want the dessert. They're just going to have a bite. And then they eat half of it. And I- Even having a bite is annoying, isn't it?

I think, yeah. If you're opting out, opt out fully. I need you to commit to this hatred of dessert because now I feel like the dynamic, there's something just really complicated there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then they're bringing their issues. And you've got that in the back of your mind

of like how much are they gonna have? And then that stresses you out and then you can't enjoy the dessert. Yeah. I love the idea of hyping the dessert. Is it possible, do you think, to have a restaurant where there's a dessert hype man? And that's his only job. Maybe not. Someone's ordered dessert. Maybe it's the doctor again. No, it's not the doctor. He's a dessert hype man. He's very specific. He's learned his craft.

I love that he sort of shows up in a cape. Like the second you order a dessert, it's almost like he magically appears and he's just like leading you in little cheers and imagining Paul Scheer for some reason. Oh yes, I was thinking about Paul Scheer earlier in this episode. Were you? Yes, because when Cary mentioned sushi, every time people mention sushi on the podcast it reminds me of Paul Scheer. And I think about Paul Scheer because I remember him telling us that he would go to a place

and get this sushi that he loved And this man he was such a regular and the man loved him so much that he he gave him a sake cup that he Written Paul's name on it in what I think was Japanese and Paul was like means a lot to me that cup and we said do you Know that it says Paul Scheer. It might say Paul Scheer drinks piss know that it says Paul Sheer, it might say Paul Sheer drinks piss. And Paul Sheer was a wonderful guest. We had a lot of fun with Paul, but when we made fun of his Saki Cup, he did not like it. It ruined his day. We spoiled a nice thing.

He was so proud of that Saki Cup. We spoiled a nice thing in his life. And so it always reminds me of it with people who choose sushi. I always think Paul Scheer drinks piss, but like, I like him. Nice man. But definitely, yeah, he'd be a great dessert hype man. He'd be great.

You're ready for dessert. Yeah, yeah. Also like, because what you don't want, Paul Scheer I'd say, looks like someone who I'd be like, yeah, that guy, believably does like dessert, but also it's not taken any toll on him. He looks healthy, but he doesn't look too healthy. Do you know what I mean?

I wouldn't want frigging Mario Lopez coming out and telling me this dessert's going to be great. How the fuck do you know? I'd love Mario Lopez to come out. Yeah, he desserts. I would love if that's what Mario Lopez was doing Yeah, yeah, what a joy to go to a restaurant. Maybe you go specifically for their dessert hype person Yeah, you know becomes like oh well this restaurant has a great dessert

I'm very low. Yes, got the Mario Lopez hype becomes our machine flips his chair the other way around Yeah, a little was a little massage get you ready for the eating Give a hand massage so that you're ready to really use that spoon. Well yeah, maybe that'd be nice. Ready for the preppy? Yeah, yeah. We can do a little preppy. That'd be cool.

Oh yeah, you have a nickname. They're like, yeah. Come on, Brownstein, you got it. You know? I guess that is a different kind of hyping you up. He's getting you physically. I was thinking someone coming up going, this dessert is going to be so great.

We all love dessert. It's brilliant, which I wouldn't believe from him. So I'd be like, yeah, Lopez doesn't eat enough desserts. I don't think it, but if he was training me up like he's a boxing coach, then fair enough, I'd be like, yeah, this is going to be great. Well, I think we're each imagining something slightly different, but I feel like each hype person would have a different technique.

So yeah, you go to a restaurant and you would know that this one was more like a coach. Another one was just more like singing the praises of the dessert portion of the meal. I guess I was someone who's like, we all made a great decision here today. This is so great. Like you guys rule from making this decision to order the dessert. You want a life coach?

Yeah, this is so great. I'm sure to be like It was it to get desserts this guy fucking the amount of applause for this guy. This is so great You just want to be popular, but you want to you want to be that guy clearly Yeah, you basically want to be validated in your decision. Yeah, you should just bring Paul shear with you to every every restaurant Yeah, he hates us because we said he drinks piss. We ruined that. Yeah, but after he's had a few shots of piss, he's good. The She Sores podcast is an absolute must for conversations about sexual and reproductive health and rights.

We are a group of passionate young women from across Canada who are exploring global issues that affect girls' lives and choices and how they relate to Canadian youth. Tune in to season three of the She Soars podcast for more hot topics and inspiring speakers from around the world and discover ways we can all take action. Her rights, her voice. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts. It was the season of chaos and all through the house, not one person was stressing. Holl it differently this year with DoorDash.

Don't want to holla do the most? Holl it don't. More festive, less frantic. Get deals for every occasion with DoorDash. Another thing we love on the off-menu podcast is games. James specifically loves games. Yeah, Benito hates them. Yeah, guessing games you like. Yeah. And if there's one guest who likes games more than James, it's Ella Purnell.

My worst thing is imagining someone soaring through some polystyrene. Oh, that is bad. That's bad, isn't it? Oh no, I don't like that. I've done it before. What? I've soared through a massive block of polystyrene with a

saw. Why? I had to get a giant polystyrene W into a car boot and I couldn't, so I had to saw it into two Vs. What are you talking about? I've got questions. Yeah. I was collecting giant yellow polystyrene W's at the time.

I was going through a phase. How many did you have? I think we got like five or six in the end. I can't remember exactly how many but like yeah we got a fair few. So when you saw it you stick it back together again on the other side? We actually didn't end up sticking it back together again. It was this knocked around in my friend's sister's garage for a fair few. So when you saw it you stick it back together again on the other side? We actually didn't end up sticking it back together again it was just knocked around in my friend's sister's garage for a few years I don't know if it's even there. I bet they were thrilled that friend. Yeah yeah she ended up with yeah the the one that was in half and another one that sister

so like she had those. You need to find someone that collects polystyrene V's. Yeah and they'd be delighted. Yeah. God, that would be the greatest collab of all time. Make that person's day. Now, Ben seems like he has more questions. Well, he can't ask, he can't talk. Ella said she had questions and then didn't ask any of the questions that I thought you're going to ask.

I asked those questions, because they were the ones that you wanted. They're your questions. Yeah. My question, I've asked my questions like very much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I cleared it up. What are your questions? Why, why?

Why? Why is my main question. Why? Why were you collecting polystyrene Ws? Oh, right, that is the obvious question. Yeah, of course. I was in a band called- The Wow Scenario. The Wow Scenario.

Oh, right. Oh, it does make sense. Someone told us, hey, I know someone who's got a giant polystyrene W. You can have it on stage when you do your gigs. So went to pick it up and then we went to get it and it was like huge. And we had to like try and put it on the roof of the car.

But it was like gonna fly off and it was very, it was, and then I bought it home. It was quite light, it was quite light, it would have just flown in the air. Well, that's what we were worried about on the dual carriageway, if it flies off, you know. Yeah, it really ruins someone's day if it happens. And then like takes someone out.

But we got it home and my dad was like, that's not coming in the house. Like, there's no, you got no choice. They're saying this old man, we're having to do this. And then we talked to a guy, local photographer. And we're like, here's an idea for our photo shoot. We're gonna do with you got this giant little W and bring it along to your studio. Anyway, I've already got one. I don't need. We're like, what are you talking about? You've already got one. And he showed us a picture with like, that's identical to our one. And he was like, yeah, well, this connections

that I've got them in their windows, they've got this whole thing for people leaving school about what next is this whole campaign they're doing. They've all been given these giant W's. They all hate them. They don't want them in their shops. They're taking up too much room. So they just gave me one for free. They all just want rid of them. So then at the time, me and my friend were like, let's get loads and fill the whole stage of them. And we'll do that. How many did you need though? Cause you're called the Wowsen area. It's unbelievable that you've managed to acquire five of these. Yeah, we got quite a few of them and then, um, and then we kind of ran out of steam and just forgot about it. The band broke up. The band broke up. And then like my friend Ben, who like kept at least one of them for us in his garage,

moved house and forgot about it. So the people who came in after him would have opened that garage door and been like, what the hell, who's this guy? I mean, look, there's worse letters to collect, isn't there? I feel like W out of all the letters is probably the most versatile. Well, you know what I'm going to ask? What is the worst letter that you could collect? Well, an S can only be two C's, a W can be an I and an N, a Z or two V's. An R is pretty shit. An R could be an I, could be two I's or an

L I suppose. And a little C. An I, an I is probably, well no, there's got to be others, come on. B, B, what can be B? Two C's I suppose. A. This is my podcast now. We're going to clip this up. This is the rantings of a madman. Like I've never had a guest do such an unintelligent monologue. It sounds so insane. Go through all the letters and what they could be if you chopped them up. And not in order. Not in order. Just all over the place. And just for the listener, we haven't sped it up.

That is the speed that Ella was talking at. That was amazing. I'm so, so sorry. I got kind of excited. But it's interesting. All the letters could be chopped up to be other letters. Yeah. It is interesting.

That's why I got so excited because I've never thought of it before. I think C is the worst. C is the worst C that's very smart yes he can't be anything else yeah C's terrible no C can't be anything yeah sorry and that'd be the worst one like if I was taking that like on top of the car yeah if that blows away, it'll boom around back to you. You're in big trouble. This is my favorite conversation I've ever had. From games to pranks. You knew this was coming. Sebastian Stan absolutely is the original prankster.

I don't know if the listeners connected with this as much as we did. We found it so funny that Sebastian Stan loved pranks so much. All we've talked about is how much Sebastian Stan loves pranks you guys have got to get on board with that being funny because it is funny. You are a superhero as well so you get to experience that you've experienced a taste of that. Oh yeah with for sure I mean it's the most gratifying thing in the world like like when you have a kid that comes up to you and just like, is that arm metal? And you're like, yes, of course,

but it's just camouflage now. And they're like, oh, interesting. That's good, because recently, I don't know when this podcast actually gonna go go out but we lost Maggie Smith and someone told me a story about her when you know kid who was fan of Harry Potter went up to her and said is it true that you could turn it to a cat and she told the kid to pull themselves together I've got more respect for that to be a pull yourself together that's so funny I would have I would I still think of her as Wendy. Oh, yeah Yeah, that movie I was obsessed with when I was a kid I really I couldn't you know, I'm like the whole concept of Peter Pan and yeah this guy going back It was just so great. Well, that's come up on this podcast a few times because yeah because of bangarang

Yeah, when they're eating especially when there's nothing it looks delicious No, no for sure as a kid all the colors and everything in there, you're like, what is that made of? Yeah. Did you ever want to eat Play-Doh when you were a kid? Yeah, big time. Me too. I would have loved to have eaten it. It looked delicious. Yeah. When I still see it, I'm like, oh, you could squeeze it. Because it smells kind of nice as well, right? It smells like sort of clean and you do want to see what it tastes like. We did a live tour of this podcast around the UK and we would ask the audiences their menus and read them out. They'd write them before we went on stage. We'd pick them out and read out the best ones. And one person for their dream drink said they would like the fruit shampoo they use but it has to taste as good as it smells.

And that got an applause from the entire room. Yeah, yeah. The entire room was like, yeah, I'm going to drink my shampoo if you didn't. That might say more about our listeners than the sort of UK populace as a whole, but yeah, a lot of shampoo drinkers listen to this. I think we pair nicely with some Play-Doh. The only thing I can think about with shampoo is that prank I've seen on YouTube at one point where there's, where they go around, there's a guy kind of washing his hair.

He doesn't know that there's someone above him that keeps squeezing shampoo. He keeps trying to get the shampoo out. It's like a nightmare. You can't get it out of your, you know what I mean? It just keeps going. Not saying that, I'm gonna watch it as soon as this is finished. You have to. Shampoo prank. YouTube that. I mean it's just so, I feel like you guys would be great at pranks. We would be good at pranks We love Jackass. We love Jackass Steve. I was sitting in that seat. We've washed it since What a voice right yeah specific Yeah, yeah every time I'm watching anything with a man or whatever most of my Fucking hell what Freudian slip.

I was going to say my girlfriend, but I went to say my sister. What do you think about that? Don't ask James about his cheat days. Anyway, my girlfriend always, if I'm watching the Steve O thing says for the other room, is that Whoopi Goldberg? When Steve O was on the podcast, we had loads of people saying he sounds exactly like Whoopi Gold. I never ever thought I never made that connection in my head until now. Maybe that's what I'll be doing after this going to see how that works. Get someone to send you and not label them properly clips of Whoopi and clips of Steve and you can see if you can work out the difference.

Yeah, I mean, probably from what they're saying you're better working out Once when I you when you know before we started recording today You're saying like coming and working here and when you arrive you're a bit jet-lagged I arrived in Canada once I had a gig that night I was meant to do a show that night but I missed the show because I've gone out got a tub of Ben and Jerry's that you can't get here and halfway through just passed out Because of the sugar high. I was jet lagged but also was just so into eating this Ben and Jerry's it put me into

this like hibernation state and I just that was it and I woke up the gig had already been and gone. I had multiple texts on my phone from the promoters and everyone and just a Ben and Jerry's tub in my hand and a spoon in the other just on my bed. That's one of the most terrifying things is like when you wake up and like you see your phone's just been going or something and people have been trying to get you know reach you for whatever reason. But speaking of pranks it's so silly there's another one I saw recently on YouTube and it's like it's really. Like these guys clearly have known each other

for a long time. I don't even know what it's called, but like they, they like got together and like they had like a celebration night, you know, taking shots and hanging out and all this stuff. The next day, the guy, one of them wakes up and he's strapped to a hospital bed

and he doesn't know where, how he got there. And they're like, you've been in a coma for 10 years. up and he's strapped to a hospital bed and he doesn't know where, how he got there. And they're like, you've been in a coma for 10 years. And his friend comes in in prosthetics, having gained weight. And he's like, you have a son and I've been taking care of him. And he's just, it's terrifying, honestly, but it's horrifically funny. And he, you know, it's like, he just doesn't know what to do with it. Like, yeah Yeah, but I didn't know you like prank so much You know you want to be safe I'm not like but like it is funny sometimes

You gotta keep surprising yourself and your friends. Yeah Have you ever played a prank on anyone that's like that you're particularly proud of keep surprising yourself and your friends. You know, it's fun to do that. Have you ever played a prank on anyone that's like that you're particularly proud of? I, it's so stupid, but I have a friend who, like he always manages, he can fall asleep anytime. I saw him fall asleep in the middle of a nightclub. Like he took a nap and like came back

and was like right back as if he got reinvigorated. And I'd be so jealous of him. Cause I'd be like, how do you do it? How do you just fall asleep? Falls asleep very easily all the time. So one time he was staying over, he lives in LA, came to New York and he was crashing over my house and he fell asleep and I took headphones

and I put it over his head over his ears and I plugged it into like the fucking speakers and I went and researched T-Rex like, you know, the dinosaur in Jurassic Park when like at the very end where he's like, and he's like, and the thing falls or whatever. And I cranked that up and I just press play, just trying to wake him up. And all I got was just this one quick, like little King two.

I was like, fuck. It's almost more satisfying than him completely terrified. Just very lazily, just going, hey man, there's T-Rex. I'm like, well, God forbid there's ever a fire or anything. Yeah. You're in the house. We'll go? Yeah. Hey man. Yeah. I'm like, well, the team ever a fire. Anything you're in the house. That's it. We'll never make it. That's what he'd be like after the blip. So if he got snapped by Thanos, yeah, he'd just be like, right back in. Hey, okay. Cool. Okay. So it was a different battlefield, but I'm pretty much,

I'm pretty much got my bearings. Yeah. I've just been napping again. I feel that we should like plan a prank to do on a, on one of your, like maybe we could get Anthony Mackie and we could assist you in pranking him. No, absolutely. Um, well, if we do have him on this podcast, cause he said he'd be really good. If we do manage to book him for this podcast, we're happy to prank him on your behalf. Um, if you do, yes. I mean, then maybe you need to email me and I'll have to figure out how to do it.

Just keep pouring shampoo on him. Does that work if it's not in the show? And Eddie can see us? Does that work? No, maybe not. We got to think. We got to think somehow, but it's possible. I mean, he'll get me back or he'll try to get me back.

But if he gets angry at the prank, you have to admit that you were involved in it. Cause if we go, Oh no, it was Sebastian. And then you deny all knowledge of it. It would be like, imagine to do this podcast. He has to drive like 45 minutes to a warehouse somewhere in like South London and it's just in the dark and you guys are sitting there with my candlelight. If it's in a warehouse you should open the door and it should be full of people and then you realize it's the rap battle from 8 Mile. And we've set him up. You've got to do it again. And he's got to go up.

He's got to go up there. We could get Eminem. Then you could join in as well. You're surname's Stan. You can get up, you've written Eminem, those are the letters. Actually, that's when you and Mackie would join forces, surely, because you both hate Eminem. You're Stan and the guy that he beat in the rap battle. By the way, do you remember that movie, how good that was?

Yeah, it was incredible. And also, thank you for reminding me, he is in that film, and he's great in it. He's great in it. He's in so many good movies actually. But like, that doesn't matter. We're going to prank the fuck out of this guy. We're going to prank him so hard.

But that would be, it would be funny. Like he's just, he thinks he's going to a podcast, but it's a rave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just waiting for him. He's got, I mean, hopefully cause like today, and you know, this is a trick of the trade that I didn't know happened,

but like someone arrived before you, who's called a go ahead, right? Who kind of turns up here first. Which is this has happened sometimes if people are like, you know, have busy schedules and they're going from one place to the other. So if Mackie, I would worry that a go ahead and arrive there and text them and go, this is a fucking race. This is not a podcast. They're setting you up for a prank. I think Sebastian behind it you do not come here Anthony it just goes to it's like I'm just recreating that movie the game on him yeah yeah he's he's

involved in high-speed chase all the way to Mexico yeah just goes on and off I always thought it'd be funny to do like a movie about actors that take the roles to like oh the next level. Yeah. You know, but anyway, you go really extreme. I still think there's like, maybe you and him should join forces and prank Eminem. I think that is, you know, as much as I'd like to. Why do I feel like that would fail?

Yeah, I don't think that would go well. You never know what mood Eminem is going to be in. But you know, you can get him. The two of you join forces. I could also see him just unfazed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like the same stoic face, no, no emotion is like, and just walk out. I've never seen him like, like giggling in an interview. I don't feel like he would like chuckle at a prankster. Yeah. Yeah. Me neither. Yeah. To be fair. Well, sorry.

We've had extra surprise guests on the podcast over the years. Rylan's mum, Amy Gladhill's parents, and this time it was Sophie Willans turn to call a relative. Gee dog! Good food dessert, Sophie Willan. Well, I'd go bread and butter pudding. Oh yeah. Because I'm sticking with a very carb heavy theme here. Love a bread and butter pudding. My grandad is a really good cook and he used to make bread and butter puddings when I was little.

Yeah. So it's a nice memory there with that. It is nice. And it's just lovely. Did he have any particular like way of doing it? Little signature twist. A lot of different, you know. Well some of you have with the curing don't you or

something he did it like that and but you weren't allowed to go near him in the kitchen he's still like that now if you go get out get out he's quite yeah Gordon Ramsay with the Bolton accent and neck you know he's just quite an intense so much respect for that though yeah yeah I like that when I'm cooking are you yeah don't come near me I'm cooking so I don't have to that though. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like that when I'm cooking. Are you? Yeah, don't come near me. I'm cooking so I don't have to talk to people. Yeah.

I think it's that, isn't it? Yeah. And then also if you try and help, oh my God, everything you're doing is wrong. Yeah. You've never felt more that you're a bad human being. So I just have to leave the vicinity. And then at the end I'll say like, do you want me involved in plates? And he's like, get out!

So I'm like, fine. But I think especially if it's like, that's like his signature dish, right? And that's what he's really good at. He's made it so many times before. He doesn't need help. Doesn't need help. Well, he's good at everything, my grandad. He's a really, really good cook. Oh, fantastic. He did cooking. He went down to London for six months and cooked in a restaurant in London. And then they moved back to Bolton. But, you know, for that six months he was a saucier. Oh, lovely.

I know. Was he? Just did the sauces. Yeah. So he's very talented, but very grumpish. I just leave him to it. We get all this lovely food, you know, if you go visit him. But the price you pay is sometimes you might get shouted at if you go into the kitchen.

Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I feel like we've had quite a few really good bread and butter pudding recipes on this podcast. Yeah. And now I want a bread and butter pudding as well. Here's what's going on in my head is that I remember that last time someone came on and they said their own bread and butter pudding recipe and it sounded easy and delicious and I thought to myself I'm going to do that and then I didn't do it and now I've forgotten what the recipe was.

Was it the one with croissants in it? Yeah, it must have been. Yeah. Croissants, that's really good. Another one you mean, they do a really good one in Cumbria with leftover croissants and different things. And it's like, and raisins and that's delicious. And you know what occurred to me when you said bread and butter pudding?

Imagine making bread and butter pudding with the crumpet bread. Oh, wow. Bread and butter pudding with crumpet. That would be very good. Because that's soaking up anything you pour on it right? Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. Mama. Yeah. You've thrown something quite fabulous. That would be good. I think I'd do that then. Yeah. A bread and butter pudding with a crumpet bread. Made by your granddad. Made by granddad but not in his vicinity. How's he going to react though if you say I want

your bread and butter pudding but can you replace it with crumpet bread? What's he going to say to that? He text him now? I could do. I could get him on FaceTime. FaceTime him now? I'd pitch it to him. Yeah, I don't think he'd be going for it. Do you want me to phone him? You can do. Yeah, you can do.

You can do it. Just see what he thinks of the suggestions. I don't want... He might be dead confused. Where, you can do. You can do it. Just see what he thinks of the, see what he thinks of the suggestions. I don't want, he might be dead confused. Where are you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, he almost certainly will be. He was quite shocked to see himself pop up on taskmaster. Yeah. He never answers the calls, but let's give him a call. G dog. Is that what he is in your phone? G dog. G dog. Yeah. He won't answer. Come on G-Dog. Come on G-Dog. It's worth it just to find out that your granddad saved his G-Dog in your phone to be fair.

I could try Maggie May, his wife. G-Dog and Maggie May. And they live in Majorca, right? They live in Majorca. They've been there years, like 25 years now. Maggie May, trying Maggie May now. Come on, Maggie. Because Maggie might know if you'd be up for doing the crumpet bread, bread and butter pudding.

See if they remember Mallet in Majorca. Yeah, I'll ask. Not going to happen. What time is it in Majorca? Oh, hello. Maggie. Oh, you there? Listen, I'm live on the podcast. I need to speak to granddad. No, we're not live. It's him he is. Hello, granddad. I just want to ask you about? Better butter pudding? Yeah. Let's think, bread, butter,

butter, full cream milk. Yeah. Well how would you feel if I put crumpet bread in it? It won't work. Why would it not work? Because it's too spongy that. You want sliced white bread.

Right. Alright, thanks Grandad. I love you. Don't forget the currants and the raisins. I won't forget the currants and the raisins. This is why I couldn't cook with him. Because he'd be over you shopping. It's good. I like all of this detail. I love these details. This is James. This is Ed. This is Ben. Hi. Hello.

They're doing a food podcast and I was telling them about your culinary skills, but you're also quite in the kitchen. I'm just doing it now, culinary skills. What are you doing? Uh, jointed roast chicken on peppers, potatoes, red onions, garlic. Delicious. That sounds absolutely delicious. Yeah. They're a lot more impressed with your recipes than what I've done for the past hour.

Small potatoes. Beautiful. Yeah, he's very good. I better go, granddad. Love you. Love you too. See you soon. Speak to you soon. Adios. Asarwego. Right. Love that. Love him. He definitely did a lot better on this than I did. Yeah, we'll have him on another episode. Great, we'll have him on another episode. Yeah, so I think we've got to not do the crumpet bread then. Yeah, sounds like it.

The expert G-Dogs told us it's not a good idea. Yeah, won't work. He did seem quite already a bit pissed off. We don't do that. Yeah. My favourite bit was you saying, how do you make your bread and butter pudding? What do you need?

And he went, well, bread. Yeah, he went, let's see. Let's see, bread. Butter. Well that was before he knew you were on a podcast. It was absolutely trashing you. James loves cats. No, James love cats. James love cats. And their names are Terry Roo, Alex Spiderman, and Kat Deeley. Here's Helen Skelton, C-mat, and Rachel Stevens learning all about my love.

I've got a little barbecue you can turn on with your phone. What? See, outside commitment. He wants it, immediately he wants it. I want it because I could be on my way home and turn the barbecue on so it's ready when I get back. That's the point. You can turn it on from like wherever you are. Hang on, is it a gas barbecue?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm not messing with that. Oh, okay. Turn up and the whole house is burnt down. But you leave it outside. You leave it outside, the barbecue. So I'd worry. Really good.

I'd worry that I turn it on on my phone and then it like makes the whole thing like judder towards the house or something. It's not a robot. Yeah, it's not a Roomba. It is a robot, you turn it on on your phone. Oh, valid, valid. That's a robot. I could go crazy.

So you think it's jiggling all the way to the house. Juddering towards the house. It's opening the door. No, it's smashing through your window. Yeah. Your patio window. And then what's the issue? And then it sets your whole house on fire. Right. Because it's a turned on barbecue. Yeah. Also you've got a cat, so you might turn it on and then the cat's like, oh, what's going on here? And then like jumps on the barbecue. But the cat can't go outside. What kind of cat is that? Yeah, what kind of cat is that? Siberian cat. That stays inside?

It's a house cat. Where does it poo? In a litter box. That blew your mind, didn't it? You've never heard of a house cat before? But it never ever goes outside? No. Gross.

You've got four cats that never go outside. So imagine what his house is like. You never, they never go outside ever? No. Also we live in London, people knit cats. Yeah, especially handsome cats like ours. Yeah, stunners cats look ours. Yeah stunners. We got real stunners We got real stunners Helen. I mean, I'm so happy that the gender stereotypes are just being shot Guys yeah, we're cat we're cat boys. We're cat boys and proud. Okay, I got four they all stay in the house

My whole life stinks of shit. That's unusual, isn't it? Yeah. No, we're getting a, I think the guy doing the catio is coming this week. I can't wait. You've enjoyed that my dog's called Spiderman. What? I knew you'd enjoy that. No. Wait till you hear this. My cat is called Spiderman.

We were destined to be friends. We were. to be friends. We were. This is amazing. This is, that's, that's, that's, and check this out as well. The cat that's called Spider-Man, he's got eyes like yours. What, his cross eyes? You know, they've got a bit cross eyes. And do you love that about him?

Yeah. Well, we've got him. It's only when you take his lenses out. Only when we take his lenses out. Hahaha. I love you. Hahaha. That on its own is a really nice compliment. Yeah.

Slightly creepy. With the context. Yeah. Yeah. Guess what? My cat has got eyes like Paul Hollywood. Doesn't he? Yeah, he does actually.

And he looks at you like he knows it as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He definitely knows it. So you can't look him in the eye. I can't look him in the eye. Yeah, no way. Fizzy water. he knows it as well. Yeah, yeah, he definitely knows it. So you can't look him in the eye. Fizzy water, it just feels counterintuitive and it doesn't feel neutral. It's supposed to be a neutral, delicious substance that brings health and vitality and fizzy water is like eating TV

static or something. It's just, it's wrong. I know a lot of people use that comparison, but it's right. Yeah. Or white noise, you know, not good. Sorry, wrong I know a lot of people use that comparison but it's right yeah yeah or white noise you know not good sorry I've made a lot of noises no it's great we love it it's a podcast it's an audio medium yeah the more noises the better is that a noise you know little clown horn even you jim carrey although you did it with two hands there yeah yeah yeah but yeah one yeah That's another noise. Another one? I think the mask does that noise. Yeah.

Has the mask aged well? Oh, I don't know, but Cameron Diaz is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen on screen. Yeah, that was a big film for me. I think that's the best a person has ever looked in a film is Cameron Diaz in that movie. Walking into the bank. Yeah. Yeah, when she walks into the bank. Yeah, her first appearance.

I love her. She's married to a good Charlotte. Do you know that? She is. No, she was married to one first appearance. I love her. She's married to a good Charlotte Do you know that she is? No, she's married to one of the good Charlotte's. She's married to It's standing the test of time that they've been together for like 15 years Is it Benji? Benji, I think she's married to Benji. Yeah Benji or Joel. Yeah stumbled into Ed's area of expertise Really? Well, no also I did know that because I've just started watching the new series of Ink Master and Joel Madden is the new host of Ink Master. And is that the Cameron Diaz one?

No, I think that's the other one. That's the Nicole Richie one. Because the other one was married to Nicole Richie. Yeah, that's the Nicole Richie one. Yeah. The good Charlotte boys have, you know. I bet they're charming as hell. Yeah.

You got to be funny and charming as hell to keep up with the wondrous master that is Cameron Diaz. But also they, you know, they're known for believing that girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money. So they must feel on edge every day. That is one of the few Good Charlotte songs I know. And they've both married women who are definitely infinitely wealthier than them. So just to show you what's going on. Love them. I actually love them. They seem like such good vibes. Yeah. I went to a CD UK special recording of Good Charlotte. Whoa.

They needed three songs. That's a good one. Kath Dealy. Yeah, Dealy. Legend. Kath Dealy UK, right? Isn't that what that was? I don't think it... Did it stand for Kath Dealy UK? That's gonna blow my mind if it did. Because she was on it now. She was the host, yeah. I thought that's why it was called CD UK. It was Kath Dealy UK.

I thought it was just CD because CDs had music on them. Yeah, but also Kath Dealy... It works on two levels? Wow. There you go. Love her. Queen of Ireland. I wrote a poem for her once into SMTV. Hang on. What? Hang on. James, why have you never told me this? I thought you knew. I thought you knew that. No. Can you remember any of the poem and I need to know immediately? I remember the whole thing, but I'm not going to recite it. Recite it! James, it's already, you've already told us that you wrote a poem to Kat D. Lee. Was it like, was it giving William Wordsworth or was it giving like Andrew Diceman Clay

or something? Yeah, Hickory Dickory Duck. Didn't it sound a little Miss Muffet? A little bit of a crossover I think. I thought it was going to be like a funny poem, but I think it came off. Was it horny? Quite horny.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Well, I was just very earnest. Like I was in, I was in, I was 11. That's fair. The poem sent it in. Benito, can we book Kat Deeley for this podcast, please? I've met her before, she's great. Well, let's not talk about booking another guest

in front of a midway through. No, it's so fair. I think we've got a Kat Deeley fan in the room. You're just going to have to bring me back when she's here. Yeah's not talk about booking another guest midway through. No, I think we're looking at Daily Fad and the Road. You're just going to have to bring me back when she's here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was the most fun show to go on when you were starting out as S Club? Because now, you know, they're whittling around these podcasts. We apologize.

Probably not as fun as live and kicking and stuff. But what was when you looked forward to the most when this couple started out? I mean, the Saturday morning TV was so fun. SMTV, CDUK. I mean, it was such a exciting moment in time. All the big party, like party in the park, all those big, massive like shows in the park, all the road shows. We were just always on, always go.

It's so different now. Yeah. With everything being on social media, we didn't have all of that back then. So we were literally, if we were going on a radio tour, we would go to every place. We would, you know, so we were all over the place. You couldn't get rid of us for a while. I enjoyed a TV show. So that's like nowadays, if you were literally on social media, trended every day.

If you had a TV show back then, that's absolutely huge. Whereas now there's so many TV shows. Now if a band was told you got a TV show they'd be like, oh we're dead. That would be it. That would be it. That's it, our careers over. No one's gonna watch that. But that's how it started. Yeah, you were on that as well. When you went on SMTV, did you ever do the sketches?

Because I imagine you would have more skills in that department, your TV show. Yeah, we did all the... what was it called? The French... You're probably too young to... Chums! Chums! We're not too young. We're not too young. That's absolutely our... That's our sweet spot.

Oh yeah, of course. Chums. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How old would you have been then? Secondary school. I remember like... I mean, that's when I wrote the Cat Deeley poem, I said secondary school. The Cat Deealy poem? Yeah, yeah. I sent it in, but they didn't read it out.

Yeah, of course she was. She's gorgeous. I was a red-blooded teen. Not made of stone. Not made of stone. Yeah, she was gorgeous, wasn't she? She is gorgeous. Yeah. Do you remember the poem, James?

Yes. Oh, share, share with the group. Not gonna share. Rachel Stevens is asking you to share the poem about Cat D. No, no, no, no. Now I know you've refused to do it in the past. Share a line, just one line, just give us a little taster. Yeah, that's great, a little taster.

Well, I tell you what, there's a food line, so that's relevant to the podcast. I want the most embarrassing line. Yeah. It's all embarrassing. I was eating my bowl full of pasta, looking at you my heart would beat faster. That's one of the lines. That's not embarrassing. my bowl full of pasta looking at you my heart would beat faster. That's not embarrassing. That's really sweet.

What, what is it? Something eating my bowl of pasta? And while eating my bowl full of pasta. And while eating my bowl full of pasta. Looking at you, my heart would beat faster. They didn't read it out. No. Pretty sure they'd read it out. No, they probably put you on a watch list.

Yeah. Yeah. Probably, it's probably not off on a watch list. Yeah. Yeah. Probably not off that list. Love that. Would you like that if someone wrote you a poem that said when they were eating pasta, their heart beat faster? I would love that so much. I would really love that. I was just thinking it wouldn't work because you're from up north, right?

Yeah, Midlands. So if you were saying faster, it wouldn't work. Yeah, pasta. Pasta. You do my bowl of pasta, you make my heart beat faster. That could work. That's what I would have said, yeah. I'll never do more than one line an episode, anytime SMTV gets brought up.

Right, well I'll bring up SMTV every single episode. Yes, you'll finally get the full poem. Feast together with full drink, exactly. But I'm not giving you it in order, so it's like Mr. Chips. Did she ever hear this poem? It didn't get to her? I don't know. I mean, I, I, I, I hope so. I hope someone read it to her. I think you need to send it to her now. If you saw it.

Do it again. Yeah. I think that's weird. And maybe. Should I send it to her now? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Probably would be a no. Did you say weird?

Yeah. Yes. And wonderful. That's what you want him to do, right? Yeah. I have to get her on this. You think she'd be very flattered. Yeah. Then I'll recite the whole thing. Well, if that's a guarantee.

Oh, of course it's a guarantee. If we get Kat Daley on the podcast, I'll recite the whole poem. But like, listen, I'm not here to think about Kat Daley. We've got Rachel Stevens in front of us. True. Before we were going to start recording this, Rachel, I was going to ask you a question and Benito made me save it for the podcast. So I'll do this.

I asked you about Sweet Dreams, my LAX, your solo song. I've had this bit of trivia in my head about it for years, ever since it came out to the point where I don't even know if it's true. Was it written by the same person who wrote toxic by Britney Spears? Yeah. Yes. Yes. Katha Dennis. Save it for the pod. Yeah. Well, I told you it was boring. That's what I've always had in my head. Yeah. But that feels like information that you could have found out for sure. And can't get you out of my head. Wow. Yeah.

She had a good weekend. That's amazing. You couldn't get it out of your head. Actually you wrote, can't get me out of your head. I mean. That is incredible. Yeah. It's incredible.

And you couldn't get Kat Daley out of your head. No, never will be able to. I wouldn't want to. Yeah, we've still not had Kat Daley on, I feel like next series we're gonna make that happen and you're gonna read that poem Finally. I'll read the poem if she comes on I swear to you. And finally it wouldn't be a best-of episode without an annual dose of toilet humor Let's hear from Michelle DeSwart, Nisha Katona, Johannes Radabay, Nabil Abdul Rashid, Jason Manzoukas and of course Patty Harrison. Of, Patty Harrison.

Of course, Patty Harrison. I want you to have the LucasAid more than the wine, because we never had LucasAid chose before. Yeah. Can I have LucasAid, please? So it's quite exciting that someone's chosen. Even though I just tried to piss on my chips. I didn't piss on your chips! They did change recipes!

Well, I was making it healthier. Talking and it all did less. On behalf of the time-honoured community. It can't just be you listing things you want, and then we go, you know? Yeah, they did change the rest of things. I was asking a follow up question. I've got to say something Michelle. It can't just be you listing things you want and then we go, you know, if I got a question, I'm going to ask the question. As much as we would like that to be the, you have no idea how much we would love it if every episode was the guest just bangs off the here's what I want and then we go.

Yeah, that's only happened once. That's only happened once with Dan Aykroyd and it was the best day of my life. Yeah. And people still come up to me and ask me about that episode. But what do you think of all the other Lucas Aide flavours? Not first. No. Not into them.

No, original. Pink Lemonade? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll do the original like maybe once a year, just to remind myself that I really like the orange one. That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, gotta keep the orange one. That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Gotta keep

the orange one in perspective. Yeah, exactly. All I remember is that it shouldn't be used to replace the fluids lost when you have diarrhea. What? It says it on the bottle. I remember as a kid reading it and me and my friends thinking it was the funniest thing in the world. And what they had to warn you that it was, was there a rumor that it helps you rehydrate after diarrhea? As kids, none of us like, even like, they had no concept of any of that anyway, so it's hilarious to us You didn't know what diarrhea was? We knew diarrhea, but we didn't know that people were trying to replace fluids, Austin We didn't know any of that, so we just thought every now and again you get the shit, so it's the funniest thing in the world That's all we knew

Yeah, man, diarrhea song Yeah, yeah, when you're sitting on the grass and it comes out your arse, diarrhea, diarrhea No, do you Yeah, man diarrhea song. Yeah. Yeah when you're sitting on the grass comes out your ass Yeah, diarrhea diarrhea. No, do you know the diarrhea song comes at your bum like a bullet from a gun diarrhea diarrhea We've never spoke about this before we grew up in different boroughs. Yeah Yeah, that must I assume that was UK wide the diarrhea song now for cheated Maybe maybe maybe I've like forgotten it. Maybe this you don't forget the diarrhea song You don't you've heard the diarrhea song you do not forget it that sticks in your head. Yeah, I remember that bubbling hot Like a sweep in a pot. We are what? Like a soup in a pot. It's bubbling.

Always ends up back here. That's amazing. I didn't know you were a barrister and then did this complete pivot. That's, that's pretty, did you recognize that's pretty impressive? I tell you honestly, what's impressive is that I think I've lived this long and retained continents. That I think is impressive because I'm old, you know, that, that I think is impressive. Honestly, it's, do you want me to tell the story? to tell the story? I find it very hard to keep continence when I'm with Ed and Tom. We were in the reception of a hotel and I can't remember what Nisha was laughing at, we probably didn't even know.

She absolutely lost it laughing. And then she wet herself in the reception of a hotel. I was such an inspiring story. You became a barrister and then realizing the three spice rule that you had to completely change your entire life. And that's just responded with the fact you want to pitch yourself to the hotel. Do you know what it was? It was simply Ed saying, Nisha, where's your room? Sending me to my room because of Dad O'Lane. Ed saying, Nisha, where's your room? It got to the point and it still does at GBM that

he just, even if I'm in the same room as him, I find it very hard to control. It's just the way you lose. Do you ever find him this happened? Honestly, I think I struggle with a lot when I'm with it. All he has to do, remember he just walked into a room and pushed the door open in his kind of ed gangly way. And I really lost continence again. Pissed yourself again. A little bit. A little bit. Do you know what I mean? Because he walked into a room. Just because he walks into a room. That's a gift, isn't it? Yeah.

That's like an Eric Morkham thing. Surely that was what it was like being Ernie Wise. You are the only person who reacts like that to me, Nisha. Yeah, I think Ed's found the person he wants to write the bit. All he had to do was walk into a room. Real Eric Morkham. But he's so bad because every time we get a comedian on or anyone on as a guest, I do spend a lot

of time saying, don't you think Ed's dead funny? She tried to get me in the new series of Inside Number 9 when we had Steve Pemleton on. You should put Ed in your show! Steve, please don't listen to this woman. That should have been your response when you said what room are you in? You should have said Number 9. I could have made the episode. No, but obviously, I'm so sorry to interrupt the inspiring story of someone who's doing You should have said number nine. I could have made the episode.

No, but obviously, I'm so sorry to interrupt the inspiring story of someone who's doing fantastic work as a barrister and then is now doing fantastic work within the world of food, but you did once piss yourself in the lobby of a hotel. It wasn't a fully fledged, do you know what I mean? It wasn't a deluge. A fully fledged deluge of piss. But I did need the loo. I did have to then run to the loo.

Yeah. Obviously it was enough that they knew it. They knew it had happened. Yeah. We've got good chemistry on that. Yes. I think we've got good chemistry on that program. Yeah, we're very good. We're a very good team together, I think. Give me some tips. I've been trying to get some chemistry going with this fucking video.

Wet yourself a little bit. No, I just pissed my pants in front of him. In order for him to get on board but it was weird because I'm sort of sitting there like this kind of dowager aunt between the two of you I don't know where you got that from, what are you talking about? I am talking about that, honestly I cannot imagine that

honestly, so first off I think it's really amazing that they chose me honestly I was really honoured by that because this is, I'll tell you the thing about it is it's always been very Michelin star kind of food. It's very haute cuisine, very, very Western classical, hasn't it? And the truth is that's not the way this nation eats anyway. So it's pretty broad minded of them to get someone in who, his expertise is more world, you know, so I go around the world. I mean, I mean, literally around the world learning how to cook cause I'm obsessed with it. Um, so first of all, I was very appreciative of that. And then it wasn't really kind of them to get you on cause it like, by the sound of things, you're overly qualified for the job.

I'm overly qualified for, um, for, for family law. It's a bit different. It's not really what's going on. I think, uh, they, they would say they're lucky to have you. No, before you there was like those two old dead guys. They were amazing and they are such nice guys and they were amazing and you look at that and you think okay that's what it is to be a true foodie, you know, but then the dynamics and then it took a didn't it take a little while for us to just work out how we intersected a bit. I thought we hit the ground running. We didn't we completely didn't because basically I thought first of all I've

just got to say whatever Tom says what can't be Tom can't be Tom really okay and then make him fun of your own best friend to like me more by I just asked him about tattoos as I did ten minutes ago yeah yeah and you say tattoos yes anyone who says tattoos I know isn't really interested what you are you meant to say? No, I think everyone else in the world says tattoos. Tattoos? Not tattoos. Have you any new tattoos Ed, that would say? Have you any new tattoos?

Have you seen anything on the films recently? To get him to like me. Yeah. I mean, I'm pretty sure he likes you. Yeah. I like you instantly though, sure. What would Moxie choose Benito? Sparkling. Sparkling. There you instantly. What would Moxie choose Benito? Sparkling.

Sparkling. There you go. Yep. Straight away. Sparkling. She strikes me as somebody that would drink sparkling water. Well, I think especially if you're a dancer, you're drinking still water all the time. When you're training, because you can't drink sparkling water while you're training.

Obviously. Well, you'd be burping all the time wouldn't you? Imagine doing a backflip and you do a burp during it, you might do an ultra backflip. Go for the ceiling. True, it's fine. But I mean, if you're in the competition a couple of weeks, I can burp, it's fine. Yeah, do a quick burp. If you did a very-

I think I saw that once on Strictly. Well, I was going to say if you did a during strictly if you did a very obvious and need I say more stinky burp that wafted towards the judges. Where is this on the dance floor? On the dance floor. You're dancing, you're dancing with a celeb. You're hoping the burp lands into Bex's face because that's a 10 anyway. They smell the burp.

They know you've done the burp. They've seen you do the burp. How many points do you think they'd take off for the burp? Each, each judge. No, I mean,'s cost. They smell the burp. They know you've done the burp. They've seen you do the burp. How many points do you think they'd take off for the burp each, each judge? No, I mean, you're quite... I mean, how far off would you have to be from... That's true, yeah. For them to smell.

Do you never go right up to the judges table and do a shimmy or something? Sometimes you go right up to the judges. No, sometimes you do, and that's true. I'm just trying to think about it now. Let me see. Oh goodness. So you're in their face shimmying and you burp.

Ew. Obviously Craig is the worst person to burp in front of or burp on or Shirley. So I think Moxie would laugh. Yeah, standard. She'd laugh. Moxie would take a swig of spice and burp right back at you. I mean, it would be sweet if you burped in Craig's face.

It's really... I mean, it's always for his... I'm so serious. I think it will make him laugh. Do you know what I mean? I don't know how that will go down. No, I've never thought about that. Never thought about that.

This is why we bring the tough questions on our menu. Yeah, we ask the tough things. This is what people want to know. But I don't think his points should be deducted for something as natural as burping. But if it's a really big one though, massive, I'm still talking massive. As long as you are not out of timing and you didn't mess up your choreography, I say burp along. Do you know what I mean? As long as it doesn't affect your choreography, I shouldn't be taking off points. Yeah. You would argue that on live television.

Oh, definitely. And what if it was just an artistic choice? I met Craig recently. Stop. I was doing a... Well, wait till you hear this. I was doing a live at the Apollo. I was hosting an episode of live at the Apollo. Very nerve-racking moment for a comedian. You want it to all go well.

We were the first one they were filming that night. And then just before they said, oh, we're filming something for a hundred years of the BBC where Craig and some strictly people like invade the stage at loads of different TV shows. So they're going out there first to do their thing. And I was like, right. Did the audience know this? They went, no, we're just going to do it.

So they went out and did a dance. The audience sat there baffled because they thought it was a live at the Apollo. They come off and like, right, okay, just get your head in the game. You've got to get this right now. You probably have a bit of work to do at the top because they're a bit confused. And I just heard someone go, yeah, we'll just do it one more time. Yeah. Three times they did that dance.

That was probably Mad Flint, yes. And then I had to go out and sort of not mention it. Oh, please tell me where was this? This was at the Hamsmith Apollo. Congratulations on that. Thank you very much. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! come out in, you know, t-shirt and jeans. And then to watch the same dance free time. I'm sorry about that. Oh no, it was, it was lovely to watch. Oh, Strictly must be everywhere, isn't it? Yeah. It must be.

Even, even infiltrating the comedy shows now. So again, you could boil it in a mold or if you want to be super traditional, banana leaves, you boil them on the side. Thing is, if you eat all these things in combination, you're going to fart yourself into orbit. I mean, you have a fight. No, I don't want to. If you're eating this meal, you want to make sure you're not doing anything for the rest of the day, right? You can't. Okay. I'm going to ask a question, right? Just, I don't do toilet humor. Sure.

But I just wanna know, if it's only me. Yeah. Have you ever farted so hard that it pushed your balls? Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Pushed them where? Like you were sitting down and like, because you were sitting down, the gas kind of like pushed your balls to get. Yes! Yes! Yes! I mean, I've not noticed that.

You've never done a ball tickler for it? I've done it. I've probably done a tickler, but I've not pushed. I've not pushed my butt. I don't... No, like I didn't push the fuck in my... Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. There was so much power.

But that's what I mean. I've watched Dragon Ball Z. But I've not seen much Dragon Ball Z. No. You know about the spirit bomb? I don't know about the spirit bomb. I don't, but I think I know where you much Dragon Ball Z. You know about the spirit bomb? I don't know about the spirit bomb. I think I know where you're going with it, but I don't think, I think I've probably felt the fart on my balls.

But it didn't push. It didn't move the balls. It doesn't move. If you see what I mean. Is that what happens in Dragon Ball Z? No. Is they fart and push each other's balls around? I mean, maybe off camera, but you have like these massive fireball things that they do.

It was like that on Fartsy. Like I had to stop what I was doing and take a few minutes to just collect myself. And have you been eating more and more? Is that what has done it? I think it's amazing. Like you're talking about hydrating. A lot of people I know live in LA that talk about height making sure they hydrate Mm-hmm, but that combined with a city. Are you saying like that? It sounds like I'm an insufferable Really right here at the end you've really rocked me to my car. I didn't say the beginning man The secret ingredient.

But do you not just need the toilet all the time in your car? I do. All the time. And have had some very close calls. Yeah, yeah. Very close calls. Is so much so that I've now had to,

a number of times, pull up into side streets to surreptitiously try and piss without somebody being like, hey, Adrian Pimento from Brooklyn, I'm a big fan man while I'm just like, don't look at me, you know, while they're walking their dog in their neighborhood while a semi-known person is just pissing. Or one of those like celebrity tour buses.

Oh my gosh, and there he is. Once again, unable to make it all the way home from lunch. He's there at the side of the road. If we turn down here, we might see, oh, there he is. Jason Manzook is once again pissing mere moments from his house, because it's always like four minutes from home, my body's like, and now, go. Because something about like turning up my street

makes me feel like I'm there. And then it's just game over. So that's the other thing is, I'm pissing in my own neighborhood. Like, so my neighbor, it's only a matter of time. It's not like I'm on the other side of time being like, whatever, it's whatever. I'm just like crouching in some bushes,

like an absolute maniac. No, I'm in the neighborhood that I live in, where my neighbors might walk by and be like, hey Jason, how are you? And I'm gonna have to be like, hey, what's going on? Couldn't make it home. I'm in my 50s, who knew? They're gonna think you don't have a toilet.

Like you've not paid to put a toilet in your house or something. Well, I also have a bunch of smashed toilets out front of my house. Yeah. That is what you're on. I am very vocally anti-toilet. I think big toilets trying to take us over. I will say I just got one of those Japanese toilet seats. Just the thing you put on and it does

all the same stuff. Holy cow. You look like Nish, but you know you're living, you're like good timeline Nish where you're living his dreams. Oh yes. Oh please. Me and Nish, I'd say, you know, we talk most days, I'd say 50% of our conversations are about, imagine if we had a Japanese toilet. And I thought you were going to say 50% of your conversations are Nish saying, what if I could lead Jason Manzoukas' life? Does the Japanese toilet have writing on the side that says Jason Manzoukas? Shit's here.

Pisses down the road. Pisses down the road. Shit's here. This is Jason Maddix's Sarky Cup. Dwight D. Rock Johnson's bushes. Or whatever. I will say this, the thing is a game changer. The toilet itself I think is insanely expensive, but the bidet

seat, very affordable and incredible. I mean like really good. Like being here for a couple of weeks, I'm like, oh man, I really miss it. Yeah, yeah, that's the main, you can look at the photos of it on your phone. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I'm texting it, it's not texting me back. Do you feel really dirty? I feel filthy right now. I feel like I'm sitting in my own filth. You know, it's disgusting. It's disgusting. You don't, you feel clean afterwards in a way that you just cannot from mashing paper around.

Think about it. Why would we do this like this? This should be, we should all just shoot water at our assholes and be done with it. It's absolutely absurd that we mush paper around and just smear the shit around. You wouldn't do it to your plates. You wouldn't, exactly. You wouldn't do it to your plates. You wouldn't, exactly.

You wouldn't do it to your plates. Imagine if someone, you went to someone's house for dinner and they popped a plate down and it was clearly like. Yeah, like, we just wiped. Last night's dinner, we wiped, we dry wiped it. We dry wiped last night's dinner off of the plates. It's fine. That's what you're doing.

You're dry wiping your own shit. Yeah. All over. Is that what you people came to this podcast for? They know that happens. They would be disappointed it's taking us this long to get there. I think because of the way that I feel now in my second go, the final course would just be like a big fucking hot wad of shit filled with tampons. Piece of shit.

Arrabbyata. It would be shit in tampons. Tampons prepared like a fusilli or whatever. Yeah. Soaked in the shit. A bolognese. Yeah. A shit bolognese, human shit and other whatever's around. So just to be clear, a human shit bolognese is that just like someone's made a bolognese out of human shit or someone eating bolognese and then shit it out?

Very good question from James. Well let's see James, this is a just like a very simple kind of science question. Yeah. If you eat bolognese, if you go home after this, you eat bolognese and then 10 hours later, right? That's the normal digestive cycle. You shit. Do you look into the toilet and say, that's bolognese, I'm going to eat it again? I wouldn't say I'm going to eat it again. I wouldn't say, I mean, you said shit mixed with bolognese or bolognese shit. I wouldn't say I'm going to eat it again, but I might

be like, I got the bolognese shit. I wouldn't say I'm gonna eat it again, but I might be like, I got the Bolognese shits. Not after 10 hours though. That would have to be like within an hour or two, I think. For you to look in and go, that's Bolognese. I've got the Bolognese shit. It's not even a visual thing for me. It's like, sometimes you just feel it. You know what it is that you ate that's making you shit. But usually if you're getting shits that fast after eating something irritating, you're not shitting that thing, you're shitting the other stuff that was in there that's getting... Yeah, which I was once told by a goddamn hotel receptionist. What? I tried to complain that the breakfast that I'd eaten had given me the shits. She was like, that couldn't have been, because when did you have the breakfast? And I was like, look, an hour ago, I just shat everywhere. And she was like, that couldn't have been because when did you have the breakfast and I was like look an hour ago I just shot everywhere

She was like she was like that couldn't have been the breakfast I'm like it would definitely I ate the breakfast and then I went to our hotel room Yeah, and I just did shits everywhere and it's all covered in shit She was like she googled it in front of me on the computer and then she said to me There you go. That shows it couldn't have been the breakfast It takes this long to it's a Effect you if you get food poisoning from something it couldn't have been that breakfast that we gave you We're not we're not apologizing for nothing and I had to go to the next leg of my tour

And when you say you should there shit everywhere was that did you like diarrhea and it ended up on the floor or so? I ended up on the robe that I was wearing what? Oh, I was relaxing. I Ate the breakfast went back to my hotel had a shower put a robe on sat down to do emails chat the rope big time After your shower. Yeah Yeah, I just soaked the robe in the sink Apologies to the fact that you then the level of confidence you must have had to shit in a hotel robe. Yes.

And then call reception and say your breakfast just made me do a shit in your robe. Well, listen. Oh yeah. I knew they were going to see that. I tried to clear up the evidence. I tried to, I was like, no. So I was like, and I was angry about it. Right. What I would do is I would take that robe with me

And then I'd pay them I'd pay for the rope. Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't I Wouldn't call reception and admit. I just done a shit in the road that I call reception I'd send it to their face when I was leaving sometimes the robes though are like $300 and it's like you're gonna it's like I Would want to then because I wouldn't want just cuz there's shit on it I wouldn't want to throw it away if I was really gonna take that hit yeah, then be like okay I'm gonna keep the rope, but I got a wash it yeah, but then if you put a shit robe in your luggage Yeah, the smell will get into the rest and I say someone who has shit in underwear

Yeah, and then like I was like I guess I'm gonna travel with it mm-hmm and I put in a bag guess what it gets through the bag it gets through the back and it makes your other clothes smell like poop this was this was a really long time ago by the way yeah yeah this is maybe like mine was like, yeah, mine was about a month from today. I would just say even if you turn the road was $300. I think I'm willing to spend that. So I don't get into a situation where a hotel receptionist is Googling. How long does it take for something to make you shit yourself?

Well, and then showing me the results. And also the kind of like, I don't know, that's kind of like litigation or something. Like the skill to be like, actually, yeah, science says here on the screen, like she's probably had people do that before. Yeah, that might not have been the first time that the breakfast has made someone shit themselves.

That's what it felt like. It felt like she was like, I've been here many times before, you're not gonna win this. It feels like maybe the bacteria was just like sitting in your gut and as soon as food touched it and flamed it. So it probably was the food,

but maybe it was the food from the night before. That's just like how sometimes you'll like not, if you're sick with like a stomach flu or something and you won't have to puke or like get you don't get that like weird nauseous feeling until you actually try and eat something yeah did you did you tell them about the road no no I said that they'll find out and was there any bloke was there any blowback from that no they didn't follow up and go hey found that robe in the sink soaking in the in the sink Don't you think we don't know what you did?

I didn't do that. I don't know exactly what hotel it was. I'd know the hotel if I saw it. Yes, of course. And they'd know you if they saw you. I think actually I was already at the point in my career where she did know me. Unfortunately. And you went down and you were like, Oh shit.

And what did you want to, what did you, in your head, what did you Yeah, you know, at the time I guess I thought they might take the breakfast off the bill. But I don't know why I wanted that. I don't know why I thought that was a fair trade. That was worth my

dignity. Was this when you were going through a tricky time? When I'm on a phone? No I'm not. I mean, you know. Yeah. When I'm on tour. It was on tour. I was at my wits end. You know, it really, it's a tour I think is destabilizing a lot of stuff. It throws your whole body out of whack. Mind, body, soul. It's okay. And maybe she saw that. Maybe she was like, it's not the breakfast. It's your life. It's the tour Yeah, you could have Google my tour dates and just show me those and gone. Yeah, these are too close together Yeah, this kind of geographically doesn't make sense. Yeah

You should go through that list and tick every time you've done a horrible shit is every day every day. That's it for part one, we'll be back with part two tomorrow. Perhaps you've listened to this whilst travelling to see family over the festive period. Maybe you've been cooking a Boxing Day feast, or maybe, like James, you've been cleaning your flat. Hi James! See you tomorrow! reproductive health and rights. We are a group of passionate young women from across Canada who are exploring global issues that affect girls' lives and choices and how they relate to Canadian youth.

Tune in to season three of the She Soars podcast for more hot topics and inspiring speakers from around the world and discover ways we can all take action. Her rights, her voice. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts. T'was the season of chaos and all through the house, not one person was stressing.

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