Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Best of 2024: Part 2

Episode Date: December 27, 2024

It’s the second half of our favourite clips of the year. If Cannibalism needs to be a trigger warning, then consider yourself warned. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Benito, James Acaster here. I forgot to record an advert for my new special, Hector's Welcome, which is going to be on Sky, Now TV and HBO Max. It's on all of those right now. I'm very proud of it. Can you put this at the beginning of the next episode so that people know the special is out please because I'd like them to know. Okay, I hope you're having a good day. Be near today. Bye. Hey, it's Mitch from Side Note Podcast, and I'm here to tell you about the new Google Pixel 9 powered by Gemini. Anyone who knows me knows the Pixel has always been my favorite out of all the phones I've ever had. Now, with Gemini built in, it's basically my personal AI assistant.

Since I am truly terrible at keeping up with emails, I use Gemini to give me summaries of my inbox, which is a lifesaver. And if I'm feeling stuck creatively, I just ask Gemini for help and bam, instant inspiration. You can learn more about Google Pixel 9 at store.google.com. Welcome back to the best ofs.

We've been expecting you for some time. It's part two of our best of 2024 episodes. Ed, how would you describe this episode in your words, not Benito's? Well, yeah, jam packed. Jams in italics. As I'm thinking of it now. And this time, let's start off with a nice refreshing glass of H2O. Let's hear from Ella Purnell, Nisha Katona, Searsha Monica Jackson, Rachel Stevens, Finn Wolfhard, Carrie Brownstein, Patty Harrison and Nabil Abdul Rashid. First of all, we'll start with still or sparkling water?

Still. I have a theory. So sparkling water, we need to call it something else because it doesn't taste anything like water. Sparkling water should taste like, it should taste neutral, just fizzy. And sparkling water doesn't taste neutral. It tastes bitter and sour and like something else. It's like a, it's like a unflavored soda. I know I've just described sparkling water. Okay, let me start again. It's sour, I hate it. I really don't like it.

And it really bothers me that it's called sparkling water. It should be called something else. It should have its own name. We should come up with a name now then. Oh wow. Okay, yeah, yeah. Okay, so for the listeners listeners now 9.19. Why are you doing time checks like we're on live radio?

We've got to come up with a name for Sparkling Water. I want people to know what pressure we're under. Ella was like spouting philosophy earlier. No, I really was. I came in so hot. I think you're going to be okay. Ed and I aren't firing on all cylinders. We've got to come up with a new name for for sparkling water at 9.19 in the morning. It should sound how it feels. So sour is the word you've used a few times. Yeah, it's bitter. Yeah, bitter sour bubbles.

People can't see me, but I just made it. Yeah, I mean, that'd be, I don't know if I could pronounce that. Yeah, how do you spell that? Every time, do you want still or? Yeah, less people would be asking. Yeah, I mean, that be, I don't know if I could pronounce that. Yeah, how do you spell that? Every time, do you want still or? Yeah, less people would be asking for that.

Yeah, it's also slightly off putting. If the waiter offered me that, I'd look at him and say, no thank you. Yeah, it would remind you of like, oh, that's how it's going to feel actually. So I'd rather just have the still water. Yeah. And still or tap. Oh tap. If you go into places, are you a tap person? I don't really care about all the difference.

It feels like they're trying to rip you off as well. It does. They are. When you say still or sparkling water, you know there's a third option. You know. But no one's saying it. Why do they ever tell you? Yeah, they should say still, sparkling or tap.

They shouldn't assume that you know that they have a tap. They may not have a tap. That's true. I wouldn't go to a restaurant that didn still sparkling or tap. They shouldn't assume that you know that they have a tap. They may not have a tap. That's true. I wouldn't go to a restaurant that didn't have a tap. That would be a real suspicious thing to do. But you wouldn't know. You wouldn't know. How would you know yet?

Okay, well, I go in and go, first of all, do you have a tap? And then I'll eat your food if you've got a tap. Hi, can I see a menu? And also, do you have a tap? Can I see a menu and your tap? Take me back there and show me you've got a tap. Otherwise it's weird. I would like to on your tap? Take me back there and show me you got a tap, otherwise it's weird.

I would like to see the tap. I think if you are, if you are ordering tap water, it would be good to see the tap. Are you going to judge the restaurant on the cleanliness of their tap? What if the taps rank? No, you're right. Well, there's a massive line scale build up on that tap. Oh God, I wouldn't want to eat there. I wouldn't want the tap water. That's for sure. No, then I'd get still. Yeah, maybe that's the standard we need to be setting. You can see what this tap is.

God, this is so enlightening. Yeah. Can you think of like, so if you are having tap water and this is your dream meal, is there a tap that you've seen in your life that you'd like, that's the tap I would like to come from? Honestly, the first time we've ever asked this. Is it?

I was going to say, this is usually what happens. We've done over 200 of these. Yeah. Hmm. Whoa, that's a great question. I haven't seen that many cool taps in my life, to be honest. Come on, come off of it. What, have you seen a lot of cool taps? Hello, you're a big star.

I am a big star. Are you telling me they don't have good taps? Imagine. Guys, all taps kind of look the same. Are you joking? Come on. Do you want a separate hot and cold tap or a mixer tap? Oh no, I hate when they do it separately. Because then when I'm trying

to wash my face in warm water, it's hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, cold. It's too stressful. And then I burn with it and then it's too cold and then you end up just doing cold and then you're cold and it's a very stressful experience. I don't want to have to hold my hands separately and then mix them together. Trying to mix hot and cold water in a bowl hand is really uncomfortable. I clearly have a lot of, I didn't realize I had such strong feelings about taps. But no, that really does bother me actually. You are being surprised in this podcast, but by your own opinions. I didn't know I had so many. Wow. Thank you so much. So you would like a mixer tap.

I like a mixer tap. But for a drink, surely you don't want a mixer tap. Oh no. Right, Joanne, honestly that is unfair of you. I wouldn't. Because you led Ella down this path of choosing the mixer tap. And now you've gone fucking gotcha. I feel tricked. You have tricked me.

Yeah, yeah. It's a gotcha interview. Sorry, Ella, you've been gotcha. But when it's one tap, you just turn the cold bit on. I wouldn't turn the hot and the cold if I was drinking water. No one wants to drinking warm water. We'll start with still or sparkling water as we always do. Gosh I forgot about that, I forgot I was here for this. Do you know what I mean? Still or sparkling water Ed, what would you have? No, we're not doing that. No, it's about me. So can I tell you honestly, I feel quite strongly about this because I don't like still water

very much because, so I used to go to India a lot when I was very little, a lot, a lot, a lot. And I spent a lot of time with very, very bad diarrhea, very bad diarrhea because I used to drink the water that came from whatever the buckets in the village that were kept, the water was kept then in a clay pot because they thought that cooled it. But what it in fact did, it just made the water evaporate down into the microbes. So I literally would come back and I was often hospitalised, it was that bad. So for me, still water smacks of that stuff that you put in drip bags in hospital, it's like interstitial

fluid, it's just, it's the stuff that you would squeeze out of a dressing, wound dressing, not a dressing gown, Okay. Both actually. Do you know what I mean? I have no fondness for, for still water. Most disgusting description of still water we've had on the podcast ever. We've asked that question so many times and you start to think we've had all the answers we're going to have, but it reminds you of interstitial fluid that someone squeezed from a wound dressing. It's a little bit like that.

Do you know, like they say that a durian fruit smells like an old wound dressing. Yeah, stinky fruit. That's the definition. Stinky fruit. Yeah. That's the definition. I always think of just still water as, you know, it's the stuff of drip bags. It's the stuff you mop up, you know.

It's a nursing term, I think, still. But then sparkling. You see, now the thing with sparkling, can I tell you this? I am very careful about my teeth, James. I'm a very careful person when it comes to my teeth because I think, I used to think, dentists get paid, your mom's not a dentist Benita, no? By the filling.

By the filling. By the filling. Yeah, or my mom, dad. Or my dad. Or my dad. Or my dad. No one is related to any dentist as far as I've ever worked. Now I love them and I think they're fantastic. But there was a point I was raised to believe that they were paid by the filling. So you don't go to the dentist. So I'm really

care. And I haven't had a feeling till I was 35 or whatever. So really careful about my teeth. Now have you seen the Malham granite pavements? Do you know what I'm talking about? No, obviously not. In Malam, North of England, Yorkshire. They're called the granite, what's it called? The granite pave, are you Googling it? Basically carbonic acid, that is what it does to rock. So pure sparkling water, in my view, just completely erodes it. You're going to end up with Elizabeth the First Teeth, drinking pure sparkling water.

So I find it too acidic. I just find it kind of fuses your frontal lobe to your eyebrows. You know, it's just strips your mucous membranes out. I just find it too acidic. So I like to go half and half. Yep. So that's true. You take the two things that you don't like and put them together.

Well you have, you know, you have to be polite, don't you? But I have to say when I put the two things together, they're perfect. You're getting that lovely palette cleansing. You know, you get that little bit of acidity, just a little wake me up, but it's also hydrating. Yeah. Don't drink a lot of it. You know what I mean?

I like to go to the loo maybe twice a day for a week. Yeah. But by the sound of things, you don't always go to the loo. And that is true. I've witnessed that happen. You witnessed it half and half. When a runner comes in and says, we'd like some water, a little sparkling. And Nisha says, yes, I'll have half and half, please.

I think half and half's a thing though, isn't it? Surely people do that. It's the first time maybe we've had that on the podcast. Maybe someone else has said it at some point, but not as a thing they already do. I think they probably like maybe riffed it and gone, let's go for half and half. I think you're the first person who that's your pre-existing preference. Yeah. Especially the first person who wants half and half and half of the drink they want is

something they refer to as something from a drip bag and the other half is something they've seen rot away a pavement. Yeah. Well, we always start with still a sparkling water. Do you have a preference? Spark on. I like to get the mouth scratched. So that's what you're enjoying getting from the sparkling is the scratchy mouth.

Yeah, yeah, just detangle that mouth, get it all open. Have you ever heard of the face, Jim? Yeah, it's been recommended to me. Yeah, well who says a lot about how I clearly look? Well, apparently it gives you a skinnier face. So maybe that's what sparkle and water is doing for the inside of your mouth. Do you? So it's sucking in from the inside. So I thought you were saying it gives you the skinnier inside of the mouth. Yeah. Does that show on the outside then or are you just trying to get? I'm a shaman so why? Because there's less on the inside so that means you have to pull it out from the inside.

I'll just find it. Just feels nice doesn't it? Just push it around. Yeah, I know I see what you mean. It's stimulating. Yeah, yeah exactly. It's like home water. Yeah, gets you ready for what you're about to eat maybe.

Yeah. And obviously scratches the mouth and makes it skinny on the inside. Yeah. They massage the inside of your mouth at the face gym, don't they? They never, I've never had anyone's fingers in my mouth in the face gym. Other places, yes, at work. We should try and explain what the face gym is maybe for some listeners who don't. Yeah.

Explain the face gym. I'm going to explain it now really well so hopefully they give me some free face gym. The face gym is a place where you go and they exercise your face. You don't have to do any of the exercises in yourself. You don't have to move your own face. They move it for you and they have like weights and balls and things that they press and roll and ice and you leave honestly snatched. It's amazing. Because I've seen, I've been past the face gym and have thought, where have we come to? You've got fantastic skin though, that you're supposed to.

Thank you very much. And do you do anything, Dave, or you just? Wash it. Now and again. You've only just started doing that. Me and James have had an argument about this before, that I wasn't washing my face at night and James thought it was the most unbelievable thing he'd ever heard. Yeah, you have to wash your face.

Yeah, and then I did an interview. Especially your love in London. Yeah, and then I did an interview with GQ magazine and they were. Yeah, you have to wash your hands. Especially when you're living in London. Yeah, and then I did an interview with GQ magazine and they were really upset that I didn't wash my face. So about six months later when I'd calmed down my stubbornness, I started washing my face at night. Do you not have like a wee sooty face when you're coming home? No, I'm not a chimney sweep.

I'm not running through the streets of London jumping into chalk paintings. But it's modern day. Dirt is invisible now. Yeah, wow. I think also Edward's bored in London. You have all that wifi on your face. You know, my cultural wifi. I should move to Donegal. You should move to Donegal.

Because I think like when I moved to London, I really noticed like, oh, my skin is fucked. Yeah. Like as soon as I moved here, it was fine in Kevin. Yeah, and then I moved here and all the pollution Attack in my face. Yeah But Ed was born here. So I guess you're hard. I've always been mucky Must be hard as fuck because The water is hard so it must harden you especially if you're growing with that water

Yeah Or maybe, maybe I'm just used to it you know it's like an immune system thing now because I can't go anywhere with soft water I've said it on the podcast before it makes my hair too fluffy Yeah But he texted me when he started washing his face at night

to tell me he'd started doing it For a bit I was texting him every night going done it again. Done it again? Is it just like, rolling black? It's awful. And then I've got a little acid thing that I use sometimes as well. Oh, that's nice.

My wife sometimes uses like an acid peel thing that is like purple, but never warns me when she's put it on. And I'm always shocked. Just walk into the bedroom like with a bright purple face, every single time. I have one of those LED masks. They are amazing. Also snatch. Do they actually do anything though? They really really really do. I just feel like when I take it off I sort of look like I just got out of the sea. You know when it's a wee bit tighter and a wee bit like low. That's what it feels like. Oh nice I'm really I'm on this can't care and that's very relaxing You know do just lie down and like just your pants and the face mask just like starfish to cross the bed

It's but a you time. We live in a busy world. Yeah, we do Yeah, we've got a put on an LED face mask that make us look like we're in slip not now My girlfriend's got one of those. Yeah, I've tried it out a couple of times Yeah, sitting there on the bed with my pants with what looks like, you know My girlfriend's got one of those. I've tried it out a couple of times. Sitting there on the bed with my pants with what looks like, you know, I don't think you have to be in your pants. I'll just say that now. I don't think you have to be in your pants. No, because you're just out of the shower when you do it.

So you're obviously not going to lie. I would never not have pants on. So we lay in there in an LED face mask and full dungarees and just do it on the tube What do you want? You do it when you're just clean Right, okay. That makes sense then. Sorry carry on. Yeah. Well last time I did it I'm laying there got it on in my pants And then my cat who was a sphinx cat hairless cat comes and sits on my chest It was quite the sight me with that

And a hairless cat sitting on it it was quite the sight, me with that mask on and a hairless cat sitting on one. We always start with still a sparkling water for your dream meal. Do you have a preference? It would have to be still, yeah, cannot do sparkling. Sparkling to me tastes like soluble like paracetamol. Oh, that's good. I know what you mean, but I think I quite like the taste of soluble paracetamol. Do you? Yeah. You like the medicine?

I like medicine. You like medicine? Yeah, because it's making you better. You can't argue that logic Rachel. You can't, but you honestly like the taste of it, honestly. I don't mind. I see what you mean like the with the fizzy water and sometimes that soluble paracetamol almost makes water taste milky. Do you know what I mean? It's sort of a little a little bit gross. If there was some medicine that you had to just eat recreationally just like you don't need it to get better but but you've got to eat it. Funny enough, when I was younger, I used to hit the cow pole up. Yeah. Yeah. Even if I didn't have a headache in case I got one, I would hit the cow pole. Oh, sorry. You were preventing. Just in case, yeah. Always thinking ahead. Yeah. So you weren't just because it was

delicious. Most of us, we just wanted to go like that. But it was that as well, you know, it was it was wasn't it? Yeah, and it's addictive I think. Yeah, I mean as a parent that cow pole is epic. Oh really? Yeah as a parent now. Always got it on the go. Yes my god. Is it still as good? I don't taste it anymore. Oh, you mean the flavor? You must be tempted Rachel. Do you know what I'm not? What? I'm not. Give a cow pole to your kids, you must be like go on I Do you know what? I'm not. I'm not. I'm over it. I've moved on from there. I'll have a little shot of cowbell. A little shot in those little kind of spatula things. I want to see if it tastes as good as you remember, surely. Yeah. Next time you will. Now we've said that. That'll be in your head. Now I'll be like, yeah. Do you not want to admit it on this podcast? Are you worried there'd be like a controversy? It is

quite controversial. If you have some now. I've been stung by that in the past. I don't want to bring it up, but like remember that. That was great. Well, wasn't it? I was, I was the right age as well. I'd come up with a club and then when that happened, I was like, that's still cool. That's really cool. Walking past the cop car. Absolute legend. Yeah. Absolute legends blazing up outside of the roses right so blatant yeah yeah i don't think cow poll would have the same impact on us girls were just minding their own business yeah you know working hard yeah and they were just you know unbelievable unbelievable they get telling off or modern guys do you want that water from the hotel that lemon mint and do you want that as your that's that's reserved

That's reserved for the hotel lobby. I think I want this for you Jane this is yeah playing still water which I'd love to hear you say to someone in a restaurant by the way when they come Over to take your order. Just go. I'm a plane Jane. Yeah, I'm a plane Jane Look a bag of carrots Chicken right grilled chicken wrap nothing on it that's what they call me my daughter yeah we go crazy and put the carrots in the in the wrap and cut this is not son of a good boy cut this what the hell are you talking about? My daughter's at one in the morning after the gig you're not sitting in now are you?

No I'm not sitting in, I'm eating them in the Uber if the driver... You're not, you're what? If the driver permits me Hang on So you ask Have you ever eaten in an Uber Finn? No, I'm a psychopath Yeah

What? Yes Why can't you eat in an Uber? Well, because you're in the Uber What's your rating if you're eating in Ubers? What is it generally? What's the kind of average Uber rate in the world for me? Well, I was right up in the high fours for ages and like bobbing around the fives and then frigging

Left Nish Kumar in it and let him carry on In my Uber to get to his house and he made the Uber driver stop at M&S In my uber to get to his house and he made the uber driver stop at M&S Freaking service station and then the uber driver marked us down and I was right down in the low fours I thought who cares I'm gonna start eating my carrots Yeah, like now you're the two this compromise my score Is it possible to like be in the twos before your uber just gets taken away? Surely no one's ever been under like a four point like eight. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, like that's because no one's gonna make you up if they can see your right. Yeah

Yeah, we'll check on the minute the worst thing is is now you can look at the more specific Statistics you can see how many like fives and ones you've gotten stuff. All right. Oh, it's worse than I thought okay Mine's worse than I thought. Yeah for four point eight four. Oh It's pretty bad. So I'm just gonna give a deal for us four point seven Hey, Finn what four point eight four? Hey, all right I feel like a four point eight four is usually it's it's just because some of them late. Oh Yeah, boy, how is that happening to me little carrot boy? Oh, yeah, I mean in the car. I just had to pick up this fucking carrot boy Over drivers are there. Yeah, you know they're coming together. I'm scrolling down here. There's a load of fives actually

I think this is what I've given them. Yeah Desperate for this for you to get a five so you're just god damn it. Yeah. Well bit of a shame James So you're just god damn it. Yeah. Well bit of a shame James I do love sparkly like a refreshing sparkling water especially with a lot of bubbles like a topo Chico How many bubbles are in a topo cheek? That's like a contest for out-of-state fair where they You would get like a pig Couldn't tell you the actual number, but I would say a lot. Yeah. Millions. Millions. Yeah. It's actually it's come out that that way is it's unhealthy. There's actually something in there that that's not good for you.

I don't think I've had type of type of chico. I've never heard of it. It's quite good. When you next time you come to America, check it out. Should I just have it straight away in the airport? Oh yes. Yeah. Right when you land. Yeah. Yeah. And then down it in one in the middle of the airport and then shout, I love Tupacicco really loud. Is that how I should do it? Yes. That's how they do it there. What do you imagine the people of the Sparkling Water lobby?

What do you imagine they look like and how many are there? Oh, that's interesting. Well, I think they're well dressed. I feel like the sparkling lobby are well dressed like a crisp white shirt, maybe a black blazer suit jacket, signature glass, statement glasses on a few of them. Like really round glasses. Round yeah. Where you're thinking like you're right shaped like bubbles yeah. Where like they could be could be architects. They want to think of themselves as creatives. Yeah. Yeah. I'm imagining loads of them as well.

Oh, you're imagining loads. I was, I was imagining like just five. Oh, okay. But you're imagining like it's, they're actually like bubbles. Yeah. Just kind of, just. I wasn't damn in imagine anything yet

because I wanted, I know it's come from you. Oh yeah. I was imagining like a small group that has a- Very powerful. Inordinate amount of power. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're just thinking like, wow, these five people have really changed the way that we

drink water. Yeah. And, you know, and then there's just one person that's wearing like a colorful tie and that's a person that adds the flavor to the sparkling water. You know, just a guy with like red glasses and like some like socks that are a little wacky. Yeah. Yeah. And he's, he was the first guy that said, what if we added a little raspberry to this? I think it's like the Steve Wozniak of the group. He's the Wozniak. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Like he's coming up with a lot of stuff, but like he's getting screwed. Yeah. And there's like a lot of other people taking the credit. He's going to write that book though that we're, yeah. He's the disruptor. Yeah. There's going to be an Apple TV series. Yeah. Definitely.

Oh, the podcast first and then the documentary and then the limited series. Oh, I can't wait. Also, I'm a bit tense now for the podcast. I don't know if you noticed, but there's a point there where Ed said they would have round glasses and then I said round like bubbles and then it was like, yep, that's what I meant. And listen, we're putting a good face on it now, but when you leave, that's going to be a blazing route. It's going to be really bad. I set them up for the clever listeners and then you make it clear for some of the stupid

listeners. We always start with still a spark sparkling water. Do you have a preference? And then and there would be the little sound effect you add later. Or if you want you can make your own sound effects now and we can put them in instead of this episode. Okay, so for the stiller sparkling, is it like the sound of the glass it's poured in right? I think yeah. Yeah, it's like something pouring into a glass. Yeah, if it's poured in right? I think yeah yeah it's like something pouring into a glass yeah it's like like no that's too like hammy I'm not trying I'm actually not trying to ham it up it'd be like I don't know because you know how it like goes from like low to high as like the yeah that's gets filled it's like maybe just like would be yeah that's good yeah I know I squeezed it yeah not only do I

think we should use that sound effect for your episode I think we should use it for the next episode as well yeah and who's next well no idea but they're in for a treat well let's start we always start with still a sparkling water ah still still water I can't drink sparkling because I believe it's regular water that the Illuminati farted in. Illuminati party? Illuminati party. I had an Illuminati party party.

Yeah, exactly. Yes. You know. You know. I've been telling you for a long time. Wake up, sheeple. wake up. And not eat broccoli, it's manmade. Broccoli's manmade? Yeah, it's not real. Yeah. It's not real. What are your sources for the broccoli's manmade?

Googling now. Broccoli is a man made. But what do you mean by manmade? It comes out the ground, right? It does now. Were you saying it's been like synthesized in a in a lab? Trying to turn us into communists. Wake up. I'm willing to wake up. I just need to know what I'm waking up. Truth is out there sheeple. So, uh, Barito's googled broccoli man-made. Top hit, is broccoli man-made. Contrary to the claims of some skeptics,

broccoli is not a genetically modified or man-made vegetable. It is a naturally occurring plant that belongs to the same family as kale, cabbage and cauliflower. Lies! Lies! He switched it before I came here because he knew i thought i thought you would understand i thought there was a chance but you followed it into the trap yeah but now we've got back garden.org oh yeah is the answer in 2020 december 2020 uh and it was updated this year is broccoli man-made and they are saying the short answer is yes, broccoli is manmade. Broccoli as we know it did not always exist as a plant, but was created by humans for an extensive process. It is not known exactly how many years ago broccoli emerged, but it

is believed that early varieties of this plant appeared more than 2000 years ago. That's Jesus times. Yeah. And that's post Jesus actually went to it. This is like 20 years after Jesus. They made broccoli. Do you think that's a coincidence? No. So told you people the truth is out there. You don't trust broccoli because it's manmade and you don't trust sparkling water because it was made at an illuminati farty party and it makes you get sharty. So it's got to be still water all the way.

It's gotta be. Now you're drinking a seven up there. Who's done a farty in that? Well, you need to understand is that to help the sheep, you must become like a wolf, but still be among the sheep. Yes. He must be a sheep dog. A sheep dog.

I'm deep undercover, bro. Okay. Yeah. I'm trying to find how they think. So you know that you're drinking farts right now. Synthesize farts. Yeah. Because it comes with the flavor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But water on its own. That's with, with, with gas in it. Yeah. That's an affront to God. Could you imagine it raining sparkling water? I quite like that. Actually.

You deviant fizzy water, fizzy rain. So acid rain. Yeah. I'd love that. That just sounds like a very, very bad remix of a Prince song. Fizzy rain. To be honest, every remix or cover of a Prince song is bad. Yeah. And done by the Illuminati and pharma companies. Big farmer are covering print songs and putting them out? What's the aim there? They're trying to like devalue his legacy. I've said too much. You know who invented broccoli?

A big farmer. Now Ed doesn't do jokes like that very often, Abil. What do you think of him? He did a proper. It's very telling that he's trying to cover things up. Yeah. Yeah. A big farmer. Do you understand? So it's a, I've changed the meaning of farmer. It's been, I'm aware. I'm well aware. I think you'll find for a profession. I am you're stealing the truth. Yeah. Stealing the truth. i'm willing to believe that sparkling water has illuminati farties in it i am and i you know still still water is the way to go i'll just check it see

if that water fizzes brother no that's yeah that's still water and i drink a glass of water at the minute and the pills goes eyes firmly glued to the glass yeah we can get you still water in the Dream Restaurant. We must stay focused, my brothers. We must stay focused. Some lovely clips. Glug, glug, glug. Now, always one of our favourite segments of The Best Ofs is characters. We love it when guests come up with characters, especially when those characters are Scrawn the Prawn and Little Shitbag. Here's Saoirse Monica Jackson, Noel Fielding, Michelle DeSwatt, Reese Nicholson, Peter Capaldi, Hamid Anna Mashawn, Danny Dyer, and again Saoirse Monica Jackson. The Langersteins. How many of them are?

I don't want to be too full for my main, so I'll go with four. Now, are you having to peel those and stuff and do any admin with them? I like that again that I find that ceremonious is the word. Yeah yeah I like that and I like taking their wee legs apart, their wee sex packs. Yeah. I'm getting those wee bad boys out. I've never thought of a langoustine as buff before but yeah. Early on when me and Hector started going out with each other we used to come up, it was during the second lockdown so it was obviously boring and we used to come up with these wee characters in our heads that we obviously didn't just keep thinking of and not speak out loud but to come up together and we used to do the voices for them and two characters

we was called Scrawn the Prawn and Little Shitbag so I was Little Shitbag and he was Scrawl in the Prawn and then we just met. Yeah it was only a couple of months like a month or two yeah and then I got an artist to commission a photo like I described Scrawl in the Prawn dear of what I imagined Scrawl in the Prawn to look like which is like a lovable rogue with a pair of nightgare mics on with a cap backwards and a chain smoking a cigarette from Bunch of Flowers. But he's a prong right? But he's a prong. Yeah, yeah. Scron the prong. And he has a sex pack.

Once naughty brag, sure does my boyfriend. There you go. Scron the prong. There's no way around that. But congratulations to him on his lesson. On your six pack. Yeah Bag is a bag of money like what you see in old cartoons, you know, like a bag with dollar sign Yeah. Yeah. And it's got shit inside it with little stink marks coming off the top. Um, and it's always sad. And it's a tiny shit bag.

It's full of shit. But it once contained money. And it does anything Scrawl in the Prawns is. Yeah. Once contained money, you're out. Yeah. So that's, that's why it's so sad. It knows how good life used to be.

Yeah. I mean, you might not even know. Maybe it's a metaphor for like money strikes Yeah, yeah How did you get to screw on the prawn and little shit back just started like the both of us on a sofa looking out a window and then she never do that with you're like You're saying like a significant others and then you're just like talking on the voice like oh, I don't have no patience I don't have any patience because I don't have any time

like oh I might have enough patience I don't have any patience because I don't have any time Then we give them like their characters developed and then it became Scrawl the Prawn and Little Shitbag COVID we all had to get through it some way What's Little Shitbag's voice? What voice does Little Shitbag speak? That was sort of Little Shitbag's voice That was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was it, that was more like Scrawln the Prawn, party, party, party. I loved how you described that going, Scrawln the Prawn is more like Scrawln the Prawn. So Scrawln the Prawn is obviously Scrawln the Prawn, you say? What's the relationship with each other again? What do they think of each other? I think that it's sort of like a mirror, it's not a rip-off at all in any way of Reckon Morty.

You know, like where Little Shipwreck is always following Scrawl in the Prawn. Yeah. And Scrawl in the Prawn is just always trying to work things out and making it a disaster and Little Ship Bag's actually fixing him mistakes behind him and never getting any glory for it. But it's just happy to be there. I'd happily watch an animation of Scrawl in the Prawn and Little Ship Bag. Yes. I know, isn't this excellent? Nobody better fucking stay in the video. Yeah. I think it'll be pretty clear if they've stolen the idea

She were talking and describing their relationship. I did notice a switch from talking about the characters to talking what sounded like Your real relationship with your partner Never getting any credit for it. He's got a six pack, so he can put up with some stuff. I just take it because he's got a six pack. And I'm full of shit. I love that it's a bag of money that's full of shit. A dollar bag that's full of shit. That's the character you came up with. I'm a pro.

University. Yeah. I'm a prom with a backwards cap. I'm a bag of shit. Well, you'll get through the pandemic somehow. Exactly. There was a place in Big Sur. I went to America.

I'm big. I went to Big Sur and there was a place where all the beat writers used to eat. Yeah. I used to eat hamburgers there, Karoak, Richard Brautigan used to go there. Who's my favorite writer. And I just sort of, I was very excited about going to eat somewhere where all these beat writers and cool people had eaten. It's called the Nepenthe. Nepenthe.

And it's basically the view is just mountains, beautiful place. And the hamburger is supposedly, everyone just would say, you got to go there for a hamburger. It's the greatest hamburger of all time. And I do quite like hamburgers, but so I went there and the waiter came over up and I said, uh, I've had the hamburgers really good. And he literally went well, little brother, we've been making them for 50 years, so it should be. He was like, Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Jeez Scoob, you gotta get the burger. He was amazing.

Yeah. He was animated. I don't know how they did that. So at that point, when he suddenly did that, you must have been done by then. I was in. I was like, who's this guy? And then he was doing, there were so many people then, it was just him. He was the only waiter and he was sort of bobbing about. And I just kept saying, I don't care about the food.

I just want that guy to come back. Every time he came back, it was the most amazing experience of my life. And then I did have the burger and it was the most amazing experience of my life and then I did have the burger and it was the greatest burger. Amazing. Well it was like I don't really you know like nowadays they always have very tall burgers don't they you know you go into a burger place gourmet burgers are very tall they're almost like they have to sometimes put that stick in to keep them so they don't topple over

and you can't how do you eat those I don't know what there's too much stuff in there. Yeah I'm not a fan of those. So I quite like the little flat burgers. Who's the fella in Popeye? Is it Wimpy? Yeah. He used to say, I'll gladly pay you Friday for a hamburger today. Do you remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his hamburgers look nice. Yeah. I really wanted a Wimpy hamburger. Is that, was Wimpy named after him? It must be. Yeah, maybe. That can't be a coincidence, can it? He was called wimpy, wasn't he? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he looked like WC Fields. He looked drunk as well, didn't he? Yeah, yeah. I mean- I'll gladly pay you a Friday.

Something was going on with him. Yeah. If they'd done that- Oh, my friend. He had a weird way of speaking to me. Like WC Fields. Like the waiter. Oh, my friend. Oh, the waiter was out of control. Whoa, little brother. Little brother. WC feels like the way to, well, my friend, the way it was out of control. Little brother school. UK comedians, we tend to like, we go abroad, especially America and like people don't know who we are over there. And then you get more character. I think you encounter more characters. He did. And I think here. If you went into a restaurant

Yeah, and they've got a weird way. They're not sending that you're gonna go over to know a field it. No, I'm not. Yeah, I'm too weird You think they're self-aware enough Yeah, we use it we talk about on a podcast I'm going over there where was that guy just like who's this? I don't know who this bloke is. Well, brother. And it's like, yeah, you get to have that treat again, like before you were famous. You're like, oh, this is great. I get the weird guy. There was a guy in a restaurant called the Gay Hussar, I think it's closed down now, that was in Soho and lots of politicians used to go there. And, and I think they did some deal where if you were in a theatre show in Soho or in London, you could get a cheap

meal before if you were an actor. So it was a sixties thing. They were famous in the sixties and seventies and it's called the gay hasar and it was Polish food, I think. And the guy that ran it, the sort of Matry D was one of the weirdest people of all time. We used to go there just for him. He would just say obscure things like a stand up and then just leave and just hover over to your

table and go, excuse me, what? It says you can get baked beans here. And he'd go, what's that about? And he'd go, well, if you're interested in the greatest baked beans of all time, then this is definitely a dish that I would recommend. And then he'd just leave. And then he'd say really weird stuff like, John Major was in here a few months ago. I saw him enjoying the beans. And then he'd sort of be gone, like he'd come over and they'd be gone. And then he started talking about, he found a card on the floor,

donor, kidney donor card. And he went, I could never give my organs away. Have you had a meeting with one of them? I said, probably we've all had those pointless meetings. Haven't we? Yeah. I remember you telling me that you went out to, you went out to LA and just had loads of really good meetings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Loads of good meetings. Amazing meetings. It's just cool to hear what Ed says to other acts who I've not met. Yeah. Because me and Michelle met for the first time. No, we've met before. We haven't met before. Yeah, we have.

I haven't met you. Yeah, we have. We've met. Do you want me to tell you where? Yeah, yeah. We did Clapham Grant. That's where we met, actually. Yes, yeah, yeah.

We met at Clapham Grant. Yeah. And we met there probably about a year ago mmm, and I said that I feel like you are the sort of person that like if I love Seinfeld, right? And I feel like if there was an episode of Seinfeld where like Kramer was really worried about his cousin coming from England and he didn't think he had anything in common with him and then the cousin turned up and it was you and he spent the whole episode being like I just can't relate to him and Gerry and George and everyone else was like what do you mean?

It's like that's you, he's the British you That is perfect casting for a start and an absolutely bang on Seinfeld storyline yeah he's also wearing a funky shirt and then you did because we just met you went why would you say this to me when I'm about to go on stage and then the last thing you want to do is you don't want to be compared to Kramer before you go on and do a stand up. Not Kramer, Kramer's long lost cousin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what's in your head, right? Yeah, that's what's in your head. You're about to walk on.

And someone who used to be a professional model goes, you look like Kramer, see you later. Yeah, yeah. And then you walk on. Yeah. Have a good set doing your material, you're gonna crash it. Yeah. I'm gonna stay and watch. I'm a big fan. And do you know what as well, I think you went straight on stage and then dropped your mic yeah deliberately or no in Kramer fashion yeah he went to catch it and drop it in my head yeah yeah yeah yeah I definitely went on yeah threw it in the air yeah and tried to catch it yeah yeah started my set so how

do you not remember that you've met Michelle before? Because this sounds quite eventful. Yeah, I know. Well, clearly what had happened is I'd just got to the venue just in time, I was about to go on, someone I'd never met, absolutely got in my head, I went on and dropped my mic. My brain has clearly tried to wipe this from my mic. You know what, when I watched it, I went,

see, that's a proper Kramer move, that. Yeah. That's proper. Yeah, yeah. Solid. I mean, that didn't help. Yeah. Probably didn't help me figure out, fuck, I just dropped the mic just like Kramer. Actually, that's not what Kramer would do on stage and I'm glad. Yeah, thank God. I didn't go that way.

Well, this is why I said long lost cousin, long lost cousin. Yeah, yeah, a long lost cousin. That's what I was hinting at earlier, but I just thought I'd let it ride out. Yeah. Yeah, fried chicken burger and just not bonkers. Like I don't want you go to those kind of burger places now and it's like back in my day it was just chicken and coleslaw now. But I want some pickles on there. I love it. If Brian, his brain's rushing a million miles an hour,

but it's not to get anywhere. A lot of urgency, but nothing's going on. The beef, you cut up the beef. Beautiful. You brought the kids. Beautiful. Family. Family. We're all family. He cares about family, doesn, family, family, family, family, just an odd man who was desperately trying to appear normal. Yeah. Like, like he knows that it should be lovely that they bought the kids, but family, family, family never were for Jeff. Jeff had to say ta-ta to that. Where's Jeff from?

None of your business. One question or two. No, no, no, no. Ta-ta, ta-ta. That's his catchphrase. Ta-ta. Does it talk about his past? In Jeff, ta-. Oh yeah, that's his catchphrase. Ta ta. Ta ta. Doesn't talk about his past. In Jeff Tata's, ta ta means hello uncle boy.

Ta ta. I don't know where he's from. No. He's been American, somewhere in the south of America. Yeah. Yeah, like the deep, like, the shallow south, not the deep south, just the kind of- Yeah, the shallows. Oh.

The paddling end. What do you think he looks like? Uh. No neck. I, oh, actually I imagined like, um, quite a long, but horizontal neck. Oh, yeah. Like just completely coming out of his body horizontally, but just like a tortoise potato head on the end. I think he looks like, I'll tell you who I'm imagining.

Actually. I'm just imagining the, um, the food critic from Ratatouille. No, that would be better. Actually. Let's go with that. Yeah. Who were you imagining? The Peter Foul from Family Guy. Yes! Herbert, Herbert the Pervert. Yes.

Um, I imagine he looks, I've started describing a particular type of dad on stage recently, like small dads. And I think this is what he looks of, um, like holding up a frog. You know what I mean? Like that kind of like round egg body. I think that's what Jeff Tartato has. Little thin legs. Yeah.

Little legs. Yeah. And their wives dress Tata had. Little legs. Little legs. Yeah. And their wives dressed them. Small dads. Yeah. Little dads. Jeff Tata doesn't have a wife though. No. Jeff Tata is single forever.

There were a lot of people, there was a lady that owned a flower shop down the street that he was, he was always like, I'll go down there and give her some, what do you buy a lady that owns a flower shop? What do you give her? A Pepsi Max. Every day give her? A Pepsi Max. Every day I give her a Pepsi Max. Oh, I feel sorry for him now. I was always, I was largely terrified when I got to a restaurant.

But the one restaurant, funnily enough, that wasn't like that, which is ironic was the old Ivy. When I say the old Ivy, I mean, the Ivy as was before it became a sort of brand. And the Ivy for listeners who don't know was a restaurant that was set, I think it was built in the 20s or something like that. It went through various hands, but it was always a kind of show busy restaurant. It was always actors. It was actors who went there as opposed to comedians and musical artists and Panto artists. It was always actors who went there. Vivien Lee and all that, Lauren Solerving and stuff. And I was going to be quite scared because you'd look around and there'd be like, you know, Arnold Schwarzenegger would go there and stuff

like that. And anybody who was in it would go there. But they, in fact, they treated you so well and so openly. I used to say, I wish I could bring my mother here because they treat my mother wonderfully. Not because she was my mother, but because that was how their staff were. They just treated people really well. I'm like, they were gonna have a good time and they weren't gonna be intimidated.

I don't mean the staff was saying, you're not going to intimidate me. I mean the staff were not intimidating their customers. They were offering tap water. They were a place that was fine. In those days you just took whatever, you just got a bottle of water. Because Perrier had just been invented as a brand. And that may have existed in real life in France somewhere. But Sparklingwater was new on the scene. Sparklingwater just built it.

Yeah, yeah. Can either of you do a good Schwarzenegger impression, Arnie? Because I keep on thinking. Not even letting you finish the request? No. No. This sounds very funny, him saying the Ivy. Like if you imagine Schwarzenegger saying the Ivy, I think that would sound funny. But...

The Ivy? No, no. I can't do it. Let's imagine it. Yeah. I guess everyone's got to imagine it. I always imagine Mr. Kipping as like Colonel Sanders' cousin or something. Yeah.

He's like English cousin. Yeah. Just like not the white hair and the white beard, but like a brunette. So like a brunette, Colonel Sanders, a little bit younger, but they're cousins. A little bit younger, yeah, they're cousins. Do they keep in touch? Yeah, yeah, yeah, from like, from like Cornwall or something. And what's their opinion of each other? What does Kipton think of Sanders?

I think they get on. I think they get on. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they get on. I think they're like, oh, I'm glad you're doing well. And I was like, you too. I guess there's no competition between them, right? No, because they're different as much as they're in the same industry. It's different, you know, he's doing fried chicken and he's doing cakes. And like, you know, Sandus is a veteran as well.

Oh yeah. He's been around for a long time. He's like, he's served in wars. He's a Colonel. Yeah. So like, you know, Kipling is just a bloke, just Mr. Kipling. Yeah, but Kipling's age, I'd imagine he was maybe in World War II, maybe. Do you think? Well, then I think it would be called something like Captain Kipling's Cakes, but it's not, it's called Mr. Kipling. Yeah, that's true Yeah, yeah, I think he was a conscientious Object really. Yeah. See I've just realized that when I imagine mr. Kip playing I imagine David Attenborough. Oh, yeah

Oh, okay, that's mad in it, but I do just imagine David Attenborough. Yeah, you say that is what you think Yeah, yeah, I think of more of a Yeah, so that is what you think of Kifflin. What you think of me as Kifflin? I think of more of a, like an over the shoulder shot of like, you know, his hands and stuff, but I can't ever see his face. I can just see like him maybe like making some cake, or writing a letter actually to Colonel Sanders maybe. But like I can't really picture, every time I try and get round to see his face, I can't really see it. I don't know, I can see his face so clearly He's standing

He's standing on the edge like you know those you know those white cliffs in Devon, yeah He's standing there and he has like long Up to his shoulders. It's quite long brown hair hair with like a goatee and a cigar. And like a monocle. Do you know what I mean? With like a three piece suit and he's just going, ha. I don't know. Yeah. I'm really glad you asked the question. how do you imagine Mr. Kipley? Because that was all ready to go. You've thought about that.

He knew what he looked like. It's difficult because most of the characters in it are very unlikable. A bit like Succession. But you can't stop watching them. With Freddy, he's lovely. He's a teddy bear with a bite. You know what I mean? And also I speak a bit of Japanese in it. Which is... It's worth tuning in just for that. And it took a long time to learn this little bit I've got, you know, cause I have to have a geyser on WhatsApp. Cause you get all the

phonetics in it, you can't write it down. So I have to keep listening to it. Then I'm on the blow, I've got the ump, I know, cause I'm speaking Japanese with the ump. And that's an energy. But I love it, man. It's a great thing. I had a moustache for six months, which I'm speaking Japanese with the hump. And that's an energy. But I love it, man. It's a great thing. I had a moustache for six months, which I broke it to my kids and they cried. Obviously, this call runs and stuff. And interestingly, they grew to love it. And then when I got rid of it, they were really upset. So I pulled it out of the bag and I had a bit of oil on it. A bit of oil, you know, sort of brushing it and stuff. Little tash brush. Oh, that's nice.

And it's always nice to know you can grow one. Yeah. I think that's why I've done it. Well, I was going to say, you've gone for this sort of... Little soul patch thing as well. The musketeer vibe. Yeah, that's my wife's least favourite bit. Yeah, well, yeah, it sort of rounds you off nicely. Thank you very much. Yeah, it balances it, doesn't it?

It does balance it, actually. It's not just a tash. Yeah. So you go, he's got a moustache, but it ain't just a tash, he much. It balances it. It does balance it. It's not just a tash. So you go, he's got a moustache, but it ain't just a tash. He's got more about it. It's a look. It's a strong look. And when you've got a tash, is what I've noticed, you notice other people with tashes and you do the tash nod.

It's odd. But I think nowadays, I think the tash is quite cool. If you can grow a nice one, you can bowl around with it. You look a bit edgy. And also for me now, because I had a wig on and I had a moustache, it means I'm a versatile actor, even though I'm still a cockney. And I don't care what they say. You know, you look at me and go, okay, that's a different character. Yeah.

Yeah. So, uh... You can do cockney with a tush. That's what I'm saying. Cockney without a tush. You know, and it was all me own because other people unfortunately couldn't grow them. I won't name them. And so they had to have the stick on ones which is a nightmare, you know.

Every time you smile one sticks up and you've got to make up. Just constantly dabbing it down with glue. I was just bowling around with a nice shiny sort of oily tash. Do you think the people with fake tashes do a fake tash nod? I think they probably do because they're in pain. It's quite a painful process. I mean once I got my wig on I did look a little bit like Bob Carol cheese. I mean that's a throwback. Not ideal really Bob Carol cheese. Although I'm sure he was a lovely geezer.

He had a nutty puppet. I mean, I mean, he did gobbled people and stuff, but good back in the day, you know, and he, he's a, they loved all that. Yeah. Yeah. You love spice. Yeah. I love spice. You're adding spice to everything. You've got a spicy drink. Yeah. You had Tabasco on your. Three types of Tabasco. Three types of Tabasco on those stars. You've got some spicy dips for the poppadoms and the lamb, you're like, I'd add chimichurri on the side of that. Yeah. You're wanting to spice everything up. Yeah.

And do you know what? It was England really done that for me. When I first moved here, I couldn't even eat hot Doritos. And through the cultural landscape of this country, I have really went up on the spice-o-meter. Now I would say I'm like the most hardcore at all my friends know my spice. Well, how do they look up to you? Sometimes I'd be scared.

I'd be scared to cook for them in case it's too spicy, but they are like, oh, my God, Sersha, you can take so much spice. Oh, God, Sersha, you know, there's nothing you can't handle. I hear that quite a lot. Sersha, you're on fire. How's the little shit bag with spice? Not good. Does little shit bag handle spice? No.

No. ABS. Just like. Yeah. You don't want little shit bag like. Or cry. Little shit bag keeps it all bottled up. As little shit bag should.

As little shit bag should. And then it snaps every once in a while. The bag snaps? Yeah, the little shitbag just snaps, he can't take it anymore. Oh I thought you meant the bag snaps open and loads of shit pulls out. No, no, no, no, no, he's never opened up. Right, yeah, yeah, he keeps it all inside. He keeps it all inside. Yeah, sometimes he snaps. Does that score on the prawn or anyone? He'll just like, he'll like float up and smack him across the face and then come back down again That'll be the end of episode big revelation that little shit back and float little shit bag only floats little shit Like Scott no legs and hovers with the shadow Yeah, so curious God I love little shit bag. I know it's so good I think little shit bag is would be my favourite character in the cartoon,

but I'd appreciate that Scrawn the Prawn has to be there for the dynamic. If you had to invent characters for Ed and I to be in this world. Yeah. What cameos in the first film? You'd be a duck. No! The quickest! I was not expecting that straight away to James.

You'd be a duck. You'd be a duck for sure with really really long legs and a tiny wee body. What's his name? Flapper. Flapper the duck with really long legs and a tiny wee body. Yeah I love it. And you'd be a ruler. A ruler? Yeah.

Just a ruler. Just a ruler called Shumpy. Shumpy the ruler. Because I think you're like urban but measured. Yeah, that's why. Like a ruler. Oh, I'm glad I'm a ruler actually. Yeah and I'm glad you didn't think of that as quickly as you thought of James being a duck.

Yeah, a ruler and a duck walking around together. And I give your wee duck head the exact same hairstyle that you have now. Good, that's good. Very generous of you to refer to this as a style. I've literally done nothing to it today so whatever this is, I don't even know what it's doing. Do not go in and ask for anything specific in the hairdressers. I say, give me what we did last time. And then every now and again, I'll put something in it.

Today is not one of those days. I just woke up. I think it looks like a great cut though. It's a good cut. Oh yeah, shout out to the person who cut it. Hey, did you ever have a night tick shaved under your head? No, I didn't, funnily enough. Did you?

No, I didn't. No, no, no. That was a big thing in there, right? Night and Addidas, shaved under the side of boys' heads. And you're all the girls going, oh, please, God, is there a night tick on? The girls loved it. The capital is a meme.

It was a good thing. So girls liked the night tick. Yeah, you were under the night tick it was around the spaceboy era Mm-hmm. It was part of it really yeah essential day and all the gears had diamonds in their teeth It was such a trendy time was Yeah, it's coming back in actually I might get a night tick I should get a night. How do you think should bring it back. I should get a night-tick. How do you think your wife would react if you came home tonight, but you still had the same thickness and fluff on the side of all the rest there, but you had her shave just

one patch out and just do the night-tick at the side. How do you think she would react if you didn't tell her and you came in from the side and then you went to bed that night and you went, oh, and you lay over and night-tick the bed out. Good night. Good Nike. Good Nike. She's still not noticing. I bet she wouldn't notice and I'd have to say good Nike to draw attention to her. So you're constantly doing that in the morning so she doesn't notice. Nike to Yeah, nice to see you too Ed, see you say. Yeah. Will, we'll start with still sparkling water Will, do you have a preference? Still, I can't do sparkling. Yeah. The Germans love sparkling water. I went over there a while ago. They love sparkling water, but I'm a still

man. Yeah, it's almost standard in Germany. I absolutely love it. It is good though. The ultimate sparkling water. In a way. What does sparkling water do? When you say you can't do it, does it have a negative effect? Not a negative effect. I just don't like it. So there's my negative effect. It produces hatred.

It produces hatred. That might be good for wrestling. I mean, oh now. Don't get me in the zone more if I start drinking sparkling water. I've got my hatred levels up. That could be a thing. I'm going to be get me in the zone more if I start stringing sparking water I hate your thing

Gonna be pitching a lot to you this episode, but I reckon like mid fight It looks like you're on the ropes look like you're losing and then you grab sparking water And then it was like we know what this means and then you have it and then you're full of the hate Yeah, it's like your version of taking your straps down or like hulking up. Like hulking up that is it? You're like doing like the Shawn Michaels Kip-Up and then it's just three silent minutes of you chugging two litres of Perrier. I don't think I could do two litres.

Burping by the end. And you can get the sponsorship in there. Yeah. It's everything. Yeah. And the big burp as well. I feel like it's like, take it, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, burp. Yeah. Yeah. I swear's like, take it, g-g-g-g-g by the way, who if you listed, come out the other way. Well can I say as well that UNAW has brought one of the most delightful things, which is

listening to American commentators use the phrase cheeky Nando's. It is quite funny that of Colin now, because honestly that was just a thing where I was just like, I just didn't see wrestling as anything more than just like, oh something I do on the weekends. Yeah. I caught the Cheating Nando's kick. You know what I mean? Just having a little laugh of everyone. But like now it's just kind of formulated and now it's just carried on. Yeah. And even to the point where like when I was in Japan and I turned into a bad guy, I remember Kevin Kelly telling me, it was like, ah, maybe you should like ditch the funny names. And I tried it, it didn't work.

Yeah. It's stuck around now. Nando's must be absolutely delighted with this. I have never had any talks with him at all. I've only talked to the cashier. But you tell the cashier, I've got a move called Cheeky Nando's. There was a thing ages ago in Romford where like a fan was shocked that I was paying for Nando's and I was just like, yeah, it's all good. And he was like furiously tweeting that. I'm like, give him a black card. I'm like, leave it.

It's all right. I've got money. You're all right. They are cheeky. That is very cheeky. That's beyond cheeky. One day, one day I hope we can work something out. Yeah, I'm sure.

I feel like, because I mean, that's the sole reason why I've signed here. If like, if I don't get a Nando sponsorship at the end of this, I don't know what I've got to do. Yeah. You've got to rename all your moves to something on I don't know what I've got to do. Yeah. You've got to rename all your moves to something on the Nando's. Something Perry. Yeah. If I put them in like a figure four leg lock, it'd be like the Perry chicken fires leg lock. I don't know. Hey, it's Mitch from Side Note Podcast, and I'm here to tell you about the new Google

Pixel 9 powered by Gemini. Anyone who knows me knows the pixel has always been my favorite out of all the phones I've ever had. Now with Gemini built in, it's basically my personal AI assistant. Since I'm truly terrible at keeping up with emails, I use Gemini to give me summaries of my inbox, which is a lifesaver. And if I'm feeling stuck creatively, I just ask Gemini for help and bam, instant inspiration. You can learn more about Google Pixel 9 at store.google.com

Now, we got absolutely Derren Brown this year and do you know who else got to... Who Derren Browned us? Derren Brown. It's been erased from my memory. And do you know who else got Derren Browned? Derren Brown. Here's Derren Brown Brown? Darren Brown. Here's Darren Brown and Darren Brown. I was really really fussy when I was a kid. I barely ate anything. I was so proper fussy eater. And then when I was at uni, I was in the back of a car starving and some people went out and got a pizza and called from the shop, do you want sausage on it? And I said, yes, thinking that meant sausage. And it doesn't

mean salami. And salami was an absolute no-no, but when it came, I was so hungry, but when it came, it was all like, you know, mixed into the, with the cheese and everything. So I couldn't pull the salami out. So I kind of thought, all right, I'll just have to trick myself that I like salami. So I did this thing of, as I was eating it, I, not out loud, but in my head I was going mmm, mmm, mmm, and doing that and not giving myself a moment to go hang on, where's the salami taste? I don't like, where is it? Where is it?

There it is, I don't like it. And it worked and I ate it, it was lovely. And then I started doing it with everything and I just wiped out all these things I didn't like by just doing this, by going mmm in my head. The only thing it left was mushrooms and blue cheese, which I can't stand. But you Daren Brown yourself. I Daren Brown myself at a young age. Are you aware that that's like a saying? You know it's a verb. You know your name's a verb, right?

I have. I use it. I use it without even realizing the irony. I just Daren Brown that. Me and James watched someone try and Daren Brown someone out of Hating a Food, do you remember? Oh my god, it was the best. Fucking hell. Yeah, I do remember. What happened? It was when we were doing Celebrity Hunted.

Right. And it was before we started filming, we were all just hanging out. In Shrewsbury prison was where we started. We had like two days in Shrewsbury prison for them to just shoot like five seconds of us escaping from the prison, but it was such a great two days. So we were with the Speakmans. I don't know if you know the Speakmans. They're like therapists, but they do a lot of work with people around that sort of stuff. And they're on this morning quite a lot. There's a very funny video of them speaking to a woman who throws up every time she thinks about custard. But we were also with Bobby Siegel, who was on

a university challenge and he, he didn't like Marmite. So they went, right Bobby. Also for context as well, Bobby Siegel is the most positive person you've ever met. He's actively trying to be positive about everything. Right. And would never in a million years, if someone was doing any sort of like mentalism on him or hypnosis, ever admit if it wasn't working. He's a people pleaser. Yeah. Okay. So it was perfect. We watched him go through all of these exercises they set up with Marmite of him getting like, now imagine I've got my Marmite here, Bobby, what are you going to do?

Move closer to the Marmite, closer to the Marmite, and then he was imagining eating the Marmite. Is that, and what do you feel about Marmite now Bobby? And he went, yeah I like it actually. You can tell, total bullshit. A bit of a enthusiastic face going like, it's good isn't it Bobby, you like it Bobby. And did they then get him to try it for real? The next morning at breakfast, they got him to try some Marmite. He's like, that's nice. Yeah. And they walked away from the table.

You could just see him like absolutely gutted that he'd eaten Marmite. He was eating it on its own, like he had a pot and he was putting his finger in and just into his mouth. So much Marmite that even people who love Marmite wouldn't do that. I love Marmite, but even like a tiny bit of it on its own, I have a real, like it really makes me rich. You want to hang out with the Speakmans? I think what they did with him, and then maybe you can vouch if this would work.

So they they basically said think of a food you love. Yes. And we're putting that over here. So they like gestured it's over in this part of the room and as we move this pot of Marmite closer to that how do you feel about it? Yeah. And then eat the marmite. That was what I remember it being. That's a, that's an NLP stuff going on. I think there's, I remember I cured someone of a cat allergy like that and using a sort of similar thing. Just really curious to see if it would work. And I say cured, but it was sort of like, it definitely worked there and then, like, cause when he was talking about cats before he was even just talking about and thinking about them, it was making him sneeze and everything. And then he didn't afterwards. So there's that. Okay, you've created light, but that's not a real cat yet. It's just how you feel differently.

And then apparently he was better with the cats, but I think it didn't really last, like, you know, after a few weeks, a couple of months, whatever, he was back to where he was. So really, yeah, hard to, hard to say, but say, but it does have, it can have some effect. We felt Bobby Seagull was just being polite. I think Orish was being polite, yeah. Orish too was going, mmm, mmm. Yeah, I think when he was actively making those noises, so maybe it did help a little bit him doing that. I find Marmite and mint sauce is the other thing that I love,

but I can't have it on its own. Just a thing, you try thing. It's just something. It's rare. It's rare that you're in a situation where you might end up having a Marmite or mint sauce by itself. But you're going to do it once if you like both of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's true. There was a salad in the pub that I used to work in, this chain pub, that was just basically,

I mean, I can't remember any of the other ingredients, but there weren't many other ingredients, basically just mint sauce and red onions. I got hooked on it one day. I couldn't stop eating it. We just had to... It certainly explains your breath. Yeah, I'll stink for the listener, I'll stink. That's amazing. Hearing you say it back, as beautifully as you did, yeah, that's gorgeous. Well now, you've heard that. Please, now confirm to the listener that envelope hasn't left you. This has been in front of me all the time. If this contains my menu choices, there's no explanation.

You've had it there and you've signed it over the thing. If you could open it and just read to the listener what it says inside. In here, the envelope says prediction on the front of it. I've removed sheet of paper. Yes, here we go. I'm removing it. It says, Darren's front of it. I've removed a sheet of paper. Yes, here we go. I'm removing it. It says Darren's Menu. Here we go. Water. Olive oil. That was a... We got that one wrong.

That's wrong. Oh, I see. But you always get one wrong. You've got to get one wrong at the top. I did have a moment there thinking, Oh my God, this is actually going to be a big issue. You always get the first one wrong. Well, you don't know, you always get the first one wrong. Yeah, yeah. Failure. Yeah, yeah.

Dropping a bull. All right. Papa Dom's old yeah. Failure. Dropping a ball. Alright. Popadoms or bread. You put egg McMuffin in a cigarette. Always get the second one wrong. Always get the second one wrong. Starter clams. Main. Candy floss.

Flumbade. Well, okay. Not far off. You're not far off. Side. Spaghetti. Hoops. Boiling hot. Nearly. Like lava. Okay. Not far off. You're not far off. Side, spaghetti, hoops, boiling hot. Nearly. Like lava. Nearly. I had it like lava. Spaghetti hoops is close. Drink an ice cold beer. Dessert, nothing. We ran out of room. We didn't really space out the menu enough and we ran out of space. We had to just leave it dessert. This is a, I'm framing this. Yeah. It's not spaghetti. What do you, I mean, yeah. I mean, in a sense they're all correct. You've

got the spaghetti hoops and spaghetti hoops are circles like meatballs. Yeah. A nice cold beer in a sense. Candy floss, comfort food. Yeah. Clams. Well, I mean, clams are by the sea. Pompeii is by the sea. Yeah. They probably were feasting on clams when it all struck. We talked about all of this. Olive oil was in the salad. Yeah. Egg muffin. Had a cigarette. That's my favourite. I think you peaked early. Yeah. That one is wrong and olive oil was correct. That's what I said. So yeah. Yeah. That's my favourite, I think you peeked early. Yeah, that one is wrong and Olive Oil was correct, that's what I said. So, yeah, yeah.

Pretty good. Phenomenal. Pretty good. I'm proud of that. You just got Devon Browned. It's time for the annual section of bits that don't quite fall into a category, so we've labelled them anecdotes. Lazy from Benito.

It's Olga... Yeah, that is the awful way of writing. He hasn't even bothered with these ones. Here's Olga Cock, Helen Skelton, Noel Fielding, Rose Matafayo, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Katie Wicks, Jason Mansoukas and C-MAT. That sauce is it like... it's like tomato... it's like cocktail sauce right they call it. Yes. So it's like... it's very horse radish heavy. It's very horse radish heavy because I had a lot when I was in the States a couple of years ago and sometimes it's almost too punishing for me. Oh it gets in your nose. Yes, yes that's what horseradish does. Truly. So I grew up my mom's party

trick when she like was at a dinner party I remember growing up and like things were kind of maybe dying down she was like let's do this. To get to get the party back going she would propose to have either a mustard or a horseradish eating competition. And she would always win. So she challenged the biggest guy at the dinner party and be like, I bet I could eat more horseradish than you. And the guy would be in tears, and she would never shed a tear.

And I would be like, oh mom, you're the coolest girl at the party. That's so funny. That's her party trick. Every time, the atmosphere's dropping a bit. People are leaving. All right. What's going to make people stay? Biggest guy at the party. This poor guy doesn't want to do it. You big fella.

You're going to get a horse radish from me. Oh, god damn it. Even though size has absolutely nothing to do with tolerance for horse radish. But it was more impressive the bigger guy was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She would just eat it with a spoon. And so I come from a horseradish, core word family. Do you think you could do that? Do you think you could? I don't think I could, I don't think I could beat my mom, but I do think I have a higher

tolerance than a lot of people. What condiment do you think you could eat the most of just? Yeah, just with a spoon. Just with a spoon. So glad you asked. Yes. I want to say garlic mayo from like any kebab shop. Oh, that's good. And like I wanted in the big thing with the, with the squeezy at the top. Yes. I want to say garlic mayo from like any kebab shop. Oh, that's good Yeah, like I wanted in the big thing with the with a squeezy at the top. Yeah straight in the mouth point

Yeah, yes, right. Yeah, someone's just stepping on it. Yeah Yeah, that's a good answer because it is very what's yours? I mean now it's hard to not just say that because we counting pesto as a condiment. Yeah Yeah, that's that's your nightmare. That's just bits. No That's hundred percent bits. Maybe it's just bits. No, I love that. Yeah, do you know what that should be? That's 100% bits. Maybe it's just anything I had as a child that had bits in it. I can eat pesto from the jar like a big yogurt. Yeah.

Yeah, 100%. Pine nut forward? Pine nuts, yeah, big load of cheese in there as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like really oily as well. Oh, no, I've got a new one. Uh-oh. Laugenmar chili oil.

We go through that in our house. I can eat that Laogha mar chili oil. Okay. We go through that in our house. I can eat that. I genuinely eat that from the jar. Wouldn't be too spicy. No, it's not too spicy. It's like salty as well. It's sweet and it's mainly bits. It's the crispy chili bits in chili oil. Well, I've just bought a 700 gram jar of it. Lots of balance as well. Cause it's giving you, it's not just one flavor. It's every flavor you need. That goes on everything. James? I guess sour cream sauce, like the dip, sour cream dip. Would you not feel ill immediately after eating a few spoons of sour cream dip?

You could just, I guess, imagine it's yogurt. Yeah. Yeah. It's very tasty. I could do that. I mean, we know that in the past I've eaten a whole jar of salted caramel sauce before. Yeah, that's true. But that was, you were angry when you did that.

I was very cross. I was sticking it to an X. Making sure she couldn't have any of it. When I was cleaning, cleaning my stuff out the house. It's like bad luck. You ain't getting any of that salted caramel that I brought. Oh, and you leave the empty jar. I brought it like the day before we split up.

Then she broke up with me and like, Oh God, leave this jar behind. She's going to make the rewards of that. Not on my watch. Not on your watch, but watch not on your watch but also not on your watch was just taking it with you you stood in the kitchen and ate the whole thing. I didn't want it to like lose its form you know with like cookie or nothing just straight on it's dying just with a spoon I thought I'm allowed to do this now calories don't

count I'm grieving a relationship you know you really showed her yeah I did show her did you think I don't think she noticed I, I hope that she'll listen to this podcast, but I don't think she's a fan of mine. That's a good question, man. What condiment could you eat the most of just with a spoon? I also don't know if frosting counts, but I do remember at my peak, sort of 15-year-old, because you know, I don't know what your relationship with food was when you were teenagers, but for me, it was like a competitive sport. And so it's like three sleeves of Oreos. Let's go.

And I would like my, I guess party trick. Maybe now that I'm saying this, it's, it runs in the family. Betty Crocker chocolate icing. Let's go. Just with a spoon. Right. Biggest guy in the school. You'd be a Betty Crocker outside.

We used to go to a pub that served half pint glasses full of wasabi peas. My party trick was downing a half pint of wasabi peas. Oh my God, but wouldn't it get dry? The throw would get so dry. Yeah, awful. Really bad. That's like a cinnamon challenge. It's so spicy and it's right in my nose and I'm crying.

Save for the man who said that. Yeah. Who's challenging you? No one. Come on. You bet. You bet I can't do it. I would be like, well, nearly last orders. I feel like the atmosphere is dropping off. I'm going somewhere else.

Half a bunch of wasabi peas, please barkeep. And I was the biggest guy in there. So I had to challenge myself to do it. Yeah. You beat. So your mom never lost, though? Never. No, she's amazing. She's amazing. Also, really sad thing happened that like also one of her things is that like she has a really good sense of smell. She's a very eccentric lady. She can like identify anyone's perfume. Everyone always is like...

It's because her nose is so open all the time. With the horseman! You're so... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha She literally had an identity crisis. She was like, I'm not using deodorant anymore. Fuck you guys Yeah, it was really really sad and now she's like kind of reinventing herself because she But can she take more horse radish now, I wonder she could take that show on the road One of those competitive yeah, yeah, because the prawn cocktail opener. Can you imagine just eating though the coffee sauce? Fuck that would be so cool before before This is my mom. She's gonna wait We she's gonna be a bucket of cocktails My grandparents lived in Rothwell So my grandma would always go to Leeds Market and bring back sackfuls of broken biscuits.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Absolutely love it. Why are broken biscuits should be more expensive? Yeah, yeah. My first job was just down the road from McVitie's factory and I used to do breakfast. I used to have to go to work every morning at 4.30, but it was so good because I had to go past the factory and on the way back they sell off the boxes of broken biscuits. Do they?

Yes! I wish the Wheatbeaks factory did that when I was growing up. There's less of a good smell from a Wheatbeaks factory though. Yeah, it's a disgusting thing. If you enjoy a factory, I did a whole series you know on factories. Did you? McVitties, Walkers, Hines. Food factories.

Guinness. Yeah. There was another one. Wasn't my best work. What was your favourite? What was your favourite factory? Food factories. Guinness. Yeah. There's another one. Wasn't my best work. What was your favourite? What was your favourite factory? Well, I was pregnant with my, my least favourite because I was pregnant with my third child

was Heinz. What are you about to say? I was pregnant with my least favourite child. My least favourite is. I won't say which one. No, I filmed this series in food factories, super brands, oh Warburton's, that's a great factory smell. Yeah.

Yeah. But Heinz Beans, when you're heavily pregnant, you do not want to put your head in a big massive vat of blanched beans. Oh God. Not great. But is that, would you say for all pregnancies or is that specific to yours? Do you think that beans made, made you feel ill? Cause some people might have a craving for it, right?

It might be the best thing possible. Well, that combined with, I spoke to the wonderful people who do the testing. They have people who do the quality control and they just all day taste cold bowls of spaghetti hoops, alfabeti spaghetti, cold soup, all of that. And that's their job. It's just constantly taste stuff. A couple of hours of that coupled with the blanched beans, it wasn't a great day for me. I didn't meet these people and I've not seen the show, I don't want to cast aspersions,

but I bet those people look awful. Yes. No, they, no, and they've all worked there for like 40 years. They look like ghosts, Helen, let's be honest. Yeah, surely. I mean, as I say, it was a dark time in my life. I was just trying not to be ill. I think those people would look like, you know, have you seen The Descent? No, actually you're wrong. Very happy. No, no, no, no. I can't have it. They were so happy about their cold bean tasting.

Yeah. They think they're happy. But they look like they're in The Descent. They look like they've not seen daylight for years. I liked them a lot. And I'm not eating properly. No, they gave me a personalized bottle of descent. They look like they've not seen daylight for years. I like them a lot. No, they gave me a personalized bottle of ketchup. I can't say anything negative. That's pretty cool.

We live quite near a bread factory. Me and my wife. And during COVID when we go on a little cycle every day, we'd really treat ourselves if we went the bread way. Cycle past the factory and cycle through the smell. That was our one bit of hope and excitement during COVID. Guinness, that was another good smell. You can do that in South London, cycle past hops places. God, we're old now, aren't we?

I'm going to have to go fizzy over still though, but yeah, we're in fizzy by having it in taps. It doesn't taste the same taps. Yeah, it's a bit weird. So for your dream meal, you probably wouldn't want it out of a tap. No. Also, I heard Bob saying one, Bob Mortimer saying that it dried his mouth out, fizzy water. And I thought, how can water dry your mouth? No one queried him on that. And I was thinking, and there's no point. I think we'd already done like half an hour before we got to water. So, just let him say that. Yeah. We've got to get to sugar and tea. I'm going to go fizzy, but you know, when people order, you know, people make quite a big deal now about ordering tap water, don't they?

In restaurants. I hate that. It's really arsy, isn't it? It's like, I'll have tap water, thanks. I'm not paying for your water. I'm glad you're in Heston Blumenthal. I'll have tap water, thanks. But really angry. Well, you never know what Blumenthal. It's not going to hurt. I'll have tap water thanks. But really angry.

Well you never know what Blumenthal is going to do to the water though do you? So who orders tap water? Is there a pond around here? Just go and take this ladle and just get me some. Well for you if you order tap you could mean fizzy water. Yeah. That's what you're used to. Yeah that's true. I mean if you can get fizzy water in your taps, why don't you just get Umbongo or something? Yeah, that's a good point. It feels like the sky's the limit if we're getting

sparkling water. I've got sparkles. Imagine that. Would Umbongo be the dream thing to have at the tap? I think so. That sort of dirty pink fruity liquid purely for the song. Would it play the song every time you pour yourself a glass yeah the only good thing about having it come out of your taps as you go do you want some water when people come around you go sparkling or still and they go oh this guy's got some this guy's got some quality about him imagine going umbongo? I'm just doing some umbongo. I've got it piped in. Be like, Oh, this guy's a serial killer. But you're one of the few people that people go, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got a bongo coming out. Makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. I had an old film in his house. He had a bongo coming out of his taps. He washes with it.

He has a full shower. A shower. It's one of the stickiest men you could ever meet. Is it still a thing? A bongo. I think it is. Is it still a thing on Bongo? I think it is. Is it? I think it is, yeah.

I haven't seen it in ages. You can still get it. Is the carton the same? Yes, it's pretty much the same. Have they done that thing though? This is what I don't really like about all those weird things from the 70s and 80s were quite unhealthy, but they were delicious. And they sort of go, hey, we're still party rings, but we're pretty healthy now and you go your party rings, dude

You don't need to go. Yeah, it's like this next off gone quite dull I'm a party rings were luminous almost See you way for a dark forest with a party ring. It's like it been laminated with plastic Party with nuts. I like party rings and now quite dull, they're sort of a weird, natural colour. Google party rings Benito, Google image. They used to be so bright, they were luminous yellow. You knew they were bad for you but they tasted amazing. They were the colour of Mr Blobby.

Do you think they have changed? Because you know how like when you're a kid everything seems bigger? Do you think it's also a case of when you're a kid everything seems brighter? Maybe. Maybe, yeah. Your eyesight goes as you get older, Yeah, party rings a dollar. Yeah, that's not that's not how I remember Screen brightness turned up to max. Yeah, they're almost muddy. They're muddy looking. That's a dark pink. Yeah. Yeah, that's not good Oh, that's with the brightness turn up to max. That's not quite good. All right I'd like to liquefy those and have them coming out my taps

quite good. I'd like to liquefy those and have them coming out my taps. Yeah, that'd be good. I can make that happen for you as the genie if you want. Do you want that as your water course? Yes please. Liquified party rings, we'll change it to that. Liquified party rings. Yeah, sounds good. And then maybe if I'm feeling insane, a tiny sliver of the onion one, but not now, not at this age. Not at this age. What's happened at this age. Not at this age. What's happened at this age? Onions, man. Onions, not your friend.

I've recently been diagnosed with silent acid reflux. Have you? This is an exclusive to the podcast. Here we go, this never happened before. This is like when Stephen Fry went on her helicoper. This is the emotional bit that you clip up. I have been recently diagnosed with silent acid reflux at the tender age of 32, which is a form of acid reflux where I don't get heartburn, but it goes all the way up and

it has given me mild laryngitis for years now apparently. So silent acid reflux. Yeah. But deadly. Silent but deadly. Silent but deadly because it's not giving you heartburn so you don't know you have it. So it's fine then? No. Because it gives you laryngeal, it gives you acid reflux in the night and stuff so I gotta have GAVA scone which is um I cannot stand the stuff it's terrible. I just want to nail down if it's giving you acid reflux but you're not feeling it.

I'm feeling it. Right. But not unlocking the heartburn. Okay. So it's silent in the sense that heartburn is usually the biggest symptom of acid reflux. Right. Which I have not experienced.

So what are your symptoms then for acid reflux? Are you doubting? No, I'm not, I'm saying, I'm trying to nail down. I don't know what the other what the other symptoms are So you said you're feeling it. How do you feel in the night coughing? Okay, thank you. Post nasal drip post nasal constant relentless mild laryngitis Yes, thank you do you want to do you want a note I got a note The doctor silent Well, it means that I have to stop eating late and figuring out what triggers that and

all that stuff. It's sad, isn't it? I can't do onions. And onions are a real trigger for that. I think onions and garlic, isn't it? It sucks, man. What was the final thing that made you go to the doctor's? I've got to sort this problem out.

This silent, but you didn't know solenoid reflex at the time. Well, I completely lost my voice after a run of shows. And so I went to the, and in that, yeah, I went to an ENT doctor and he put the camera down my nose. Oh no. And I saw my vocal cords, saw my throat. That was pretty freaky. Do you put a camera down your nose?

Yeah. Really good question. Back and down? Cause I guess you go back and down, don't you? Back and down, back and you? Back and down to the throat. But you go up and back and down? It's up and back and down. Yeah, sorry. He did say that. He did say that he was doing it. He's like, up and back and down. Up and back and down. This is something that we don't have here, but like, all you know about through watching American TV shows or films is kids with their lemonade stands. Yeah, that's a real thing.

I've never seen it. Yeah, it's a real thing. I see it all the time. You think any of them would attempt? Lavender lemonade? Ideally not with vodka. No, I don't. I don't.

I mean, listen, at the lemonade stands, we'd be lucky to just get a decent glass of lemonade. Listen, lemonade itself. Really think about this. Lemonade itself, really think about this. Lemonade itself is really an art form. Good lemonade with that nice balance of lemon, water, and sugar. Because it's easy to mess up.

It's like, most of the time lemonade is too tarty. Like when I order lemonade, I'm scared to order lemonade in restaurants because I'm like, oh, this is going to be crap. It's either going to be watered down, you know, or it's going to be too tarty. It's not going to have enough sugar. Well here, I mean, I think I only heard about lemonade in the American sense, like a lot later in life. Cause here growing up, lemonade would mean like Sprite or seven up, right? Sure. If you ask for lemonade in a restaurant, you're getting fizzy. Yeah. Got it. But that proper homemade lemonade, which is so good. Is it Sprite or 7up, right? Sure. If you ask for lemonade in a restaurant, you're getting fizzy. Fizzy. Yeah.

Got it. But that proper homemade lemonade, which is so good. Is it Sprite or 7up for you guys? I'd go 7up. I think I'd go Sprite. This is why we work well as hosts. Yeah. Yeah.

I think I'm 7up too. I think 7up is a tad sweeter. I think. Yeah. I think. With a bit of Vodka in. I would bet there's less bubbles. In a dream for sure.

Listen, I'll take vodka in any damn thing. Yeah, yeah. It's my favorite, I love vodka. If I may just roll back to the lemonade stands. If you're walking down the street, how good would a kid's lemonade stand have to be for you to accept that they might be able to do lavender lemonade?

Because there's a little kid, lemonade stand have to be for you to accept that they might be able to do lavender lemonade. There's a little kid and they've got all that they got a load of lavender and they've got all the other stuff for lemonade and they're like J.F.S. would you like a lavender lemon? How good does the setup have to be? What are you looking for? And they're calling you by your full name. Let me tell you, let me tell you what. If I go to a lemonade stand and they're like, Jada Pinkett Smith. First for a kid to even know who the hell I am, okay? Cause most of the time it'll be Jaden's mom, Willow's mom.

And they even know anything about a lavender lemonade. They won. I'm like, run it. I don't even care what it tastes like. about a lavender lemonade. They won. I'm like, run it. I don't even care what it tastes like. Run that lavender lemonade. The fact that you even know that a lavender lemonade exists and you know my full name. James obviously loved the idea of you sat in the car waiting for the chips, thinking about what it would, what it would be like to be in love.

Yeah. Thinking about what it would be like to be in love. Yeah. yeah, thinking about what it would be like to be in love with a sign-up. That song is the first time I really... it just, from that song I thought being in love is just going to be so epic. It's going to be amazing. Also, I remember the music video for that song, because I remember it was number one for ages. I think it was 16 weeks. Yeah, so he wasn't turning up every week to perform it. On top of the box. On top of the box. So like, they would just show the video. Yeah, you're so right.

But I hadn't seen that film. Do you remember, I just remember that, that like, bit. Pulling the arrow by the elbow. Was it Flaming Arrow? Yeah. Do you know what knocked it off? Cause you know, you know like music trivia, don't you? I don't know with that one actually.

Yeah, it might've been like. Is it wet, wet, wet? See I'm just blurming all that era and stuff in together. It was definitely the 90s wasn't it? Yeah, I mean, Think Twice by Celine Dion wouldn't have been long after that, but maybe... That didn't make me think about love. No. That made me think about thinking twice.

The Choo Choo song? Actu- yes. Yeah, maybe. One of the original number ones. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes they would record the live performance on top of the pops and then just play that in wouldn't they?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The member when they were in a few weeks ago. Yeah, so lazy. But if you're Adams, like, and I'd say by the time it gets to five weeks at number one, if you're having to go into top of the pops every time, you're like, oh, for fuck's sake. Yeah, I nearly, I went to South Korea recently, this is related, I promise, with a vegan and Tim Key. And I... So this is the third diet. Is this a different vegan from the worm meal?

No, I'm in a throuple with Tim Key and a vegan, is what I'm saying. We're really happy. And I went to South Korea and Brian Adams was playing and we nearly thought, oh, let's just go in, be funny. We were looking for K-pop and we found Brian Adams. Brian Adams. The opposite. That story doesn't go anywhere.

I would have thought if you went to see Brian Adams, that would transport you back to thinking, what would it be like to be in love? I'd be there with my throuple. Yeah. I found love. You found it finally. And it's twice the fun. You too. Which song?

The Fly by you. I must have blanked it out. It must have been so devoured that I blanked it out. I remember sitting in my car wondering what it would be like to be a fly. Well, I told you I'm a fly. I've literally, during this chat, looked down and realised

that my flies are completely undone. At least you've got something on. They are currently. I've literally during this chat looked down and realized that my flyers are completely undone. At least you've got something on. They are currently and I didn't want to do them up again. I'm going to check mine. But like. My tits are hanging out. The whole thing.

Yeah. Is that all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what happens? We'll put, the only clips we'll put out from this point, okay? Honestly, I'm fine with that. I could do with an image change. I'm absolutely fine with that. You're talking about Katie, she's had an image change.

What's she doing? She gets her tits out on podcasts. That's what I take out all the time. And leaves them out. So, because, I mean, excuse me, I don't know what eggs are in what bread, you know? No, I've never thought about it. I don't know what eggs are in everything. Sourdough traditionally safe, you know, like a pretty, you know, I wouldn't just start, you know,

freestyling sourdough if they put it down, I'd still ask, but almost always it's gonna be safe. Yeah. You know, there's a couple of breads that are pretty safe, but I kind of steer clear of bread just because you never know when someone's gonna be fancy and brush some egg on top. Sure.

So it looks good or something like that. So what are the danger breads? What are the breads where you see them and like, I'm going nowhere? Holla. Holla, big, huge, you know, brioche. These are like egg laden breads. These are like mostly eggs, you know, and they're, yeah, they have that glaze on them. They're very super dangerous. And restaurants are obsessed with brioche as well. They love it. And heartbreakingly, a of years ago everybody was like, oh for hamburgers now, brioche buns. Yeah. No more like regular old buns that anybody can eat like you Jason Manzoukas. No. Brioche, fancy buns, everything's egg. At a certain point

it become everything had eggs in it. Even like that was the big, that was the absolutely devastating thing about like the mixology craze, was that suddenly there was egg foam in cocktails. And like that was like, so that was really wild to wrap my head around because why would you ever think that that would be a source of danger? Like a cocktail? Like I went on a date once with a woman to like a just a bar, no food. We had drinks. It was lovely.

We kissed good night and I was like, I have to go to the hospital. But I was so confused. I was like, I'm having an allergic reaction but I haven't eaten anything. And she was like, well, what are you allergic to? And I was like, eggs? She was like, oh no, my drink had eggs in it.

And I was like, why? I was like, why would you do that? No, that's disgusting. First of all, why would you order a drink that has egg foam in it and I was like why? I was like why would you do that? That's disgusting. First of all, why would you order a drink that has egg foam in it? That sounds rancid in every way. So she had an eggy drink. Yeah. You kissed her good night. Correct. And then you had to go to the hospital. Correct. So you kissed the lady and then you said I have to go. I had to stop kissing. I had to stop. This was a successful day. Do you know how hard it is to get to the point where I'm like, this has gone well. This is well enough that we are now, did the classic Los Angeles, let me walk you to your car.

We are kissing at the car. This is going great. And then suddenly I'm like, I guess I have to leave and go to the emergency room. This is awful. Or take an EpiPen, goodbye. And then she was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I was like, why? You didn't know. Why would you? You did nothing wrong, except choose an, what sounds to me like a disgusting drink.

And were you dressed as Darth Vader or? Yes, I was dressed as Emperor Palpatine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like he's had an allergic. Oh yes. To be fair to him. He does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like he's had a little urge to be fair to him. He does. Yeah, yeah. That guy hates him. He should have said, I've got to go to the emergency room because you're too good at

kissing. Yes. Oh, by the way, well done. Yeah, thanks. She can tell everyone that forever now. She can be like, I once kissed a guy so good he went to the emergency room. Have you, sorry, I'm going to go off on a tangent now because you said gingerbread and gingerbread is my favourite thing, have you ever had, have you ever been to Cumbria?

Yeah. Right. Are you aware that William Wordsworth's sister invented a patented type of Cumbrian gingerbread that you can still only buy from this one bakery in Cumbria. I'll tell you what, in Grasmere. I've never known. I've got them in my cupboard at home. Isn't it unreal? Good stuff. I ordered two boxes of it for, because we just did a week of rehearsals because we're going on tour next in like a couple of days. I ordered two boxes of it to satiate the crew and the band. And just every so often when someone looked like they were going to kill each other, I would just like force feed them some Grasmere gingerbread. They They're like that's so delicious. I was like yeah

I know it is distraction tactic, but also the nicest shit. I've ever had my life. I didn't know I did not know this It's really good. It's really really good. Do you know as well? She sells she's dead. It's Sarah Nelson She's long gone May she rest in peace they sell because it's covered in this like crumbly breadcrumb, gingerbread breadcrumb thing. They sell big bags of just those crumbs for three pounds. So you can make it in like a cheesecake. Wow.

Do you know, like you can make a cheesecake with that or you can sprinkle on top of other things. Or just... Unreal. It's only three pounds. Straight in the mouth, right? What I was going to say. No one's made a fucking cheesecake with it.

No, I would be shoveling straight in my mouth. Do you know what? This is about crumbs. You'll love this story, so I'm not sure I've told it on the podcast before. I don't remember a crumb story. My wife told me the other day that when she was a little kid at nursery and primary school, that if it was someone's birthday, that a cake would get brought in, and rather than just everyone getting a slice the teacher would make it into

crumbs and then make all the kids sit there with their mouths open like that and then drop the crumbs into their mouth and it was called birdie crumbs yeah that is really disturbing it's pretty disturbing when you think about it, isn't it? Why would they do that? Was there other adults around? I don't know. All the kids are lined up with their mouths open and then birdie crumbs. I definitely don't think any teacher would do that now. Even though it's not technically out of order, I think you would still be like, I feel like I'm pushing some sort of boundary here. It would be one thing if they've like, you know, gotten, you know, like when you, when

you pull meat and you like shred it with forks, right? So they get the cake, they shred it up and then they like get a spoon and spoon it onto individual plates and then the kids do the birdie crumbs themselves. Well, you're telling me that an adult human went along the line and did birdie crumbs. Made the children stand in a line and feed them birdie crumbs. They may as well chew it and then spit it into their mouths like a fucking brooch. Like what's going on? Yeah, pretty weird. Yeah, like Starlings. Starlings do that? Ace Ventura does that? Yeah, Ace Ventura does it in the second film.

That film hasn't aged well at all. No. It's really bad. No, neither of them have aged well. Neither of them. Both of them got some... Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Pretty bad.

Jim Carrey hasn't aged well. In general. Like, not physically. Physically he looks great. He looks fabulous. He looks great. Jim, you look great. We've had an unusual amount of cannibalism talk on the podcast this year. Yes, I guess we have. This is Sebastian Stan, Oh Cuckuck, Natalie Cassidy and Ella Purnell. Well you are what you eat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what you were in one film in fresh, you were what you ate in humans. That's right. Yeah. Remember that? Uh, yes. I was wild. I do.

Yeah. A lot of James's questions to actors are to say a film and then go, do you remember that? Which we're assuming you do actually. Not all actors we've had on do remember that. Yeah, I do. I mean, that was, that was a lot of fun. Well, the scene when you're, you're preparing it all, it actually genuinely looks quite delicious for a second there, which is worrying. Well, there was a chef on set who was preparing things, um, right on the, on the dock, but

it's interesting when something gets passed and you label it a certain way because then you're looking at it differently and kind of looking for things in the meatballs, you know. But that movie, it's funny, I hear a lot about that movie, people still kind of come up and ask me about it and I never knew how it was going to do. I think, cause it messes with your head a bit, that film, cause it does make you, you're a very charismatic cannibal killer. And you do make the food look pretty delicious. It does get in the audience's heads more than if you were just like some crazed monster who we were terrified of. You kind of go, oh, maybe I want to be a cannibal.

Yeah. Sebastian Stan made it look quite nice. Do you, how do you guys feel about European sort of like a, like an Orangina? Yeah. I love Orangina. I mean, that's just, there's a real nostalgia for Orangina though. And the bottle's the shape of an orange. You can't fuck with that. It's good. It's good stuff. Again, sophisticated bottle. Yeah. Really sophisticated. Affordable luxury. We're back at it. That to me is like holidays when I'm a kid. Like being right, being around a swimming pool or something, having an orange, a cold orange

baby. I wouldn't let the bits in it. No, I think that makes it, that gives the illusion of health, which I enjoy. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Of course you didn't like bits when you're, of course you're one of those kids. Little pale kid who didn't eat bits. I had to eat bits all the time. I get gonna get made to eat bits. Yeah, because it would be a healthy boy. My mum got us yogurts with bits in it and like fruit juice with bits. I was like I don't like bits. Just like oh bad luck. Were you a crusts off kid as well? I wish. There's no way I could have got away with that shit. I had to have the crusts. Smooth peanut butter? No, crunchy peanut butter every time, even though I would have preferred smooth.

Yeah, of course you would have preferred smooth. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yep. This is, it was just like my goddamn life, man. I hated bits. When I was an adult, I was like, I'm never doing bits again. And I haven't. Have you not? I will not do fruit juice with bits. Like a fresh orange juice. I will, I will grin and bear it, but I don't want it to feel like... It feels like someone's emptied a bag of pencil shavings in my goddamn drink. I hate it. This is bizarre, man.

What? What are you talking about? Bitch, you gotta go bits, right? There'll be people saluting their iPods to listen to this. I love texture. Yeah. No, no, no. I don't like that. Yoga, I can hack the bits a little bit more, but I don't like it when there's like the pulpy strawberry horrible... So you're in Germany and just purely flavor, you're not a texture guy? bit more, but I don't like it when there's like the pulpy strawberry horrible. Like, like some.

So you're in Germany does purely flavor. You're not a texture guy. I love texture in the right. Good taste. Those aren't good. Textures. Bubble tea. I actually haven't done bubble tea, but I, which I can't believe I've not done bubble

tea yet. I'm not drunk bubble tea, but I would like that the tapioca pearls. Yeah. Yeah. That's nice. That's bits though, man. Yeah. Yeah. But they're like fun bits and they're not, they're not bits that feel like waste product. Yeah. The strawberry pulpy stuff is like, it's like what strawberry pulpy stuff you saw in the yogurt. Okay. Yogurt. When you get yogurt, it's not got bits of strawberry in it. Just, just like, do you

mean a compote? No, no, that's different I love that but like I mean when it's all mixed together already and you just open it and there's like pips in there knocking around Yeah, and like and bits of pulpy strawberry. That's like this feels like Someone's like like someone's skin I think this is more revealing than you realize it. That's a huge leap I think this is more revealing than you realize it. Yeah, that's a huge leap. Speak more on that. It's just like, yeah, like bits of people.

Maybe that's in my head because I watched the sight of the snow last night and they eat each other in that. Right. Yeah. Oh, is that the one with the team that gets stranded in the mountains? Yeah, you're a great film. But they don't put each other in yogurt, do they? Well, kind of.

They put each other in ice and eat the ice to help it go down. So I guess if there was yogurt available, they probably wouldn't have eaten each other. If there was yogurt available. Yeah, we've got enough yogurt to last us six months. All right, we're gonna have to start eating each other and putting it in the yogurt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hang on, Terry. So I filmed the other day where the main character has it almost raw, his steak, blue. Was he a bear?

No, Jesse Plemons. And then his wife comes back, she's been away for ages, and he doesn't trust that it's his wife, so he asks her to cut off her finger and feed it to him. And she does it, and if your partner, if you were away for a bit, and you got home and your partner said, I don't believe it's you, cut off your finger. Sorry, why does it work? What's happened with the character? Can we wind back a bit? I've still not seen this film so you're ruining it for me.

I don't understand why. Everyone knows this happens. Why doesn't he believe, what, is he locked in a room, is he blind? She doesn't believe it's her. She's acting weird, she's acting different. She's eating chocolate cake, she never used to eat chocolate. Right. Her shoes don't fit her anymore. It's a weird film though, isn't it?

Sounds it. Bit weird. Weirder than EastEnders. Less realistic. Okay. Has there ever been a cannibal on EastEnders? Not that I know of, no. You got to do that. You got to do it. You could come in and do that, James. Why don't you come in and be a weirdo that moves into the square and he starts doing like as a...

I'm telling you you're weird. No, you're not acting obviously. No, no. No no he is. Hey listen I'd gladly play a cannibal in Eastenders. Yeah. Who would you eat? Who wouldn't I eat? More like... You could eat Sonia. Well listen yeah Sonia first to go. What a CV that would that would be for you James. Already full of garlic. Yeah. Delicious. Coming out the pores. Filled with mayo. Yeah, love that. I'd be quite good I think to eat. Who else is still knocking around in the square?

Um, people that you might know. Ian Beale's still there? Yeah, Beale's there. He's got to be eating. Are you having a chunk of wood yet? Yeah, I'd have wood, yeah. Maybe that'd just be it, I'd just eat Ian Beale. Because I think like, longest serving cast member? Um, yeah, very much so, one off, yeah. Yeah, I would yeah. Maybe that just be I just eat Ian Beale because I think like longest serving cast member

Yeah, very much. I want to one off. Yeah, it's a good I think what what are you ending? Yeah, for his character Yeah, I'd at least give it a go trying to and I think that you know Maybe Stenders isn't ready for actual cannibalism, but a cannibal character who tries to eat Ian Beale I think that's a yeah, you get a lot of people watching that. Yeah, you would. Yeah. Just from the listeners of this, to be fair. Yeah.

If I've got him in a big cauldron in a pot and he's like bound at the ankles and wrists. He's got a phrase that he says, he'd be going around in the cauldron and be going, I've got nothing left! Yeah, yeah. I've got nothing left! Yeah. I'm like, keep on crying, crying Bill, it just seasons the pot. I'm not sure EastEnders is ready for a cannibal actually.

Yeah, no I'm not sure either, just maybe, purely because it's on at half seven. Yeah, I think maybe a storyline where someone thinks that someone is a cannibal, and they suspect someone of being a cannibal, it could be like a bit of a comedy storyline, because like their wife goes on holiday and they don't know and they're like always eating her or something yeah everyone thinks I'm eating people yeah because it's just different stuff that I'm doing I think you should stick to what you know boys because yeah I think the story line is at work I probably okay take that to them anyway I know that they have menu boys have got an idea. Yeah. They should be very excited.

Or that everyone thinks there's a cannibal on the square. Yeah. Hey, this was exciting in my house many years ago. I had the same dressing gown as Sonia. Excuse me? I had the same dressing gown as Sonia. My mum was like, you got the same dressing gown as Sonia. That was exciting.

That was big news in our house. What colour was it? It was like, it had a pattern, it was quite patterned. I'm trying to think of what one it was. Yeah, it was like... Why did you have a female's... Oh, I didn't say it was a unisex dressing gown. It was probably around the same time as the trumpet came in.

Oh, so while we were looking, maybe 95, how old are you Ed? I'm 38. Are you really? Yeah, yeah. I'm 41, so you... This was probably when I was nine or 10 maybe. Yeah, so I would have been you really? Yeah, yeah. I'm 41. So you're... This is probably when I was nine or 10 maybe. Yeah.

So I would have been maybe 13, 14. Sonja would have been. Same dressing gown. Wow. Mad, isn't it? It's incredible. I was planning to bring... It's such a shame that we haven't got a visual of this.

I know. We've got a picture of it. I'm sure. I'll ask my mum. Google Sonja 13 dressing gown. Be careful. I was planning on bringing that up, but I couldn't find a moment for it to come up naturally. So I just said it.

Off the back of the cannibal chat. I figured it works perfectly. Yeah. Happy with that? Yeah, I am really happy with that. We haven't even talked about you and all your mates eating each other on the island. This is a food podcast. I think seeing as we just talked about a bunch of school kids going to Adventure Island, we might need to just clarify that that's not what you're referring to question mark? No, not referring to that. I'm referring to

you and your friends. Yellow Jackets. The TV show. Say, I'd say lead with Yellow Jackets TV show. Acting. You bury in the headline there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all ate each other. You and all your friends ate each other on an island. We've never had. Adventure Island when you took all your friends to Adventure Island, you gave them the donuts

and then you ate them all. Yeah, yeah. You ate them all. Only one child returned back to London. Yeah. And happy birthday me. Yeah, Yellow Jackets. But that's messed up.

That is really messed up. We never had anyone on the podcast before who's been that heavily involved in cannibalism and this is a food podcast. I know. It's a bit of a thing. I'm going to get a reputation because it's happened in two shows I've done, that one and Fallout.

Yeah, people are starting to talk. It's not good. But it's always in a situation where it gets a bit desperate, right? I'd hope so. It's never like, you've never been in a show where you're like, Oh, I'm hungry. I'll just eat a... No. Well, in Fallout, I don't, I don't eat anyone, but the ghoul does eat other ghouls, sometimes humans, I think. Actually, I don't think he does eat humans. He makes, he makes ass jerky out of another ghoul's bum. Obviously. He would it out with Elba, would he?

No. Silly. Well, if you don't know, you're asked from Elba. Wow. Best in the biz. He's the best in the biz. Quick question before we go then. Okay. You've got to eat another actor who you've worked with in the past. Yeah.

Just who's it going to be? It has to be someone you've worked with. That's a really good question because are you going to go for, like what are the, what's the context? What's the circumstances? I've got to eat them because I'm desperate, because I'm very, very hungry. Or you've got a gun to my head and you're like, you've got to eat them now, but I'm not that hungry. How hungry am I? You're very, very hungry. I'm very, very hungry. Am I starving? Am I on like a yellow jacket situation? It's a yellow jacket situation. So I want someone with like big muscles, right? Because then that's like more protein probably

Yeah, right. Yeah, whose the most muscular actor I've worked with the guy that I threw up on was pretty muscley He's not an actor that I work with. I mean, yeah Here's someone that I that I know that that's that's got muscles. I'd probably eat him. Oh Aaron Aaron from fallout He's been working out a bit lately. Yeah, yeah. I'll eat him. What's his surname? Moten, Aaron Moten.

I'm in Moten, you're getting eaten. Now part one had a toilet humor section. Yes. Part two has a filth section, apparently. What are we doing with our lives? You can't write that down and make me say it. He just wrote, what are we doing with our lives? He doesn't even put a question mark at the end of it. What are we doing with our lives? What are we doing with our lives? You can't write that down and make me say it. He's just written, what are we doing with our lives? He doesn't even put a question mark at the end of it.

What are we doing with our lives? What are we doing with our lives? He's just written that and he's letting us, that's it. We've got to come out and act like we're ashamed of our filth and toilet humor. You are, I love it. I'm not ashamed of the filth and toilet, I'm ashamed of the podcast as a whole.

I think it's pathetic. Let's hear unbridled muck from Sarah, Sarah Barron, Hamid Anima-Shawn, Sebastian Stan, Phil Dunster, Olga Cox, Sarah Barron, Hamid Anima-Shawn again, Dirty Boy, Sebastian Stan, and Phil Dunster again. No, Sebastian Stan was so dirty. That wasn't my, all I remember is that he loves pranks. So basically I went from playing with dolls to your,

there is so much fear in the eyes of the three men at the table, six eyes of fear. I went into diary writing. Yes. Okay. And then diary writing as I matured turned into erotic diary writing. Wow. That was clearly me having some kind of exploration of the issues that we all confront. And have you ever been more, like have you ever been less physically comfortable than you are right now? Oh, no, I'm fine.

Are you fine? I want to hear some details of these diaries. Okay, then. Thank you so much. I will tell them Yeah, so my it's it's essentially what it is. It's like pornography written by a child. Yes Yeah, I'm slightly more uncomfortable now Me to keep a tally on it. Yeah, okay. I understand how that sort of ratcheted it up for you. Stay with me here Yeah, it's not the word child. It's the word child and pornography. No one loves the combo The way round you said what did I say? You said a pornography written by a child. That's the word child. It's the word child in pornography. No one loves the combo. I prefer the way round you said. What did I say?

You said pornography written by a child. That's the way round I want those words to be if they have to be said near each other. Not a problem. Thank you. Thank you for the guidance. Yes. Thank you for the guidance. So because I, and also if it makes you guys feel more comfortable, the characters in my

head as I was writing them, like they were like 18. Okay, so I'm like 12 and my characters, whose story I'm writing are like 18. The protagonist is 18. The protagonist, Jenny. Cause for a second I thought you were saying the other characters were 18. Cause that would make me feel way worse.

No, no. This is from the mind of a child. But you've, you're talking about- But she's thinking to her, right? Like the coolest people, if you're 12, it's like an eight, like a 17 year old. Are you kidding? When like you're 12.

Let's say 18. You want 18, I get it, I get it. Okay. So my spelling is bad, but I'm using proper language because that was how I was raised. Yes. Proper language.

Yes. So repeatedly I make mention of boobs, but I spell it bobs. Repeatedly I use the word penis, but I spell it pinus. So it'll be like, I took my bobs and I'll put them on his pinus like very very very strange. Yeah, and then I I didn't like there was If you guys want to avoid eye contact in this next part, that's like completely fine.

Yeah, you're looking, it's so, there's like so much empathy in what you're doing in a way so like I really want to carry her through this. But also I want to, I want, I want to make sure you keep talking about it because I'm finding it very funny. Okay, okay. That's good. So and like weird shit happens and like, like, so I had the thing, I don't even think it was a sexual thing. I just think it was like an interest in Michael Bolton.

Was he a thing over here? So wait, listen to me, Ed, Ed, Ed, you couldn't have sex unless some song from the album Time, Love and Tenderness was playing. So a consistent feature is like, hold on. Yeah, I've got to put on some Michael Bolton. And you always had to have champagne. You could not have sexual intercourse without like a... Without champagne. That was sort of how you began and then once everyone was done was like...

And then I didn't... Was Jenny having sex every day? Yeah, she had sex multiple times a day every day. And she'd go to like a car and she'd like, you know, she'd do it in a car. There'd have to be champagne in the car, right? There's champagne in Michael Bolton. It's like it's there Yeah, she'd go to like a party and be like, hey He's like hey, yeah you feel like doing it

Hey you feel like doing it tonight and then the guy'd be like yeah I can do it tonight and then they'd like go into a room and like wherever the house party was and it'd be like would you like a glass of champagne and then you do it yeah and I get his finest out but interestingly about his pine us is I didn't understand I thought the reverse about erections well you thought they were hard all the time and they weren't soft for sex? Not quite, although basically, when I hear someone else say it back to me, it's so much better. It was that I thought if an erection went on too long, you had to stop. It was like, like calm that pinus down. I can't do this anymore. It's too hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to soften that pinus for this to continue. And then the grand,

We got to soften that pineis for this to continue. And then the grand finale was, I didn't understand, like certainly for women, the idea of orgasms were very, very unclear. I mean, good. Yeah. Thank God. Right. Right. And I would-

What do you mean good? Well, I just, I would be more worried if Sarah, when she was 12 was writing with a full knowledge of all sexual intercourse. Well, I don't know. I mean, a lot of women would say that those kinds of things need to be taught about more from an earlier age. I would agree, but I wasn't the one to carry that weight.

I couldn't be educating the masses. Let's work on the spelling before we get into the... I think if you can't spell penis, you shouldn't be allowed to see one or touch one. Sure. Agree. Yeah. No, I don't, like I don't, I think where this came from was a complete lack of exposure to anything real. Like I don't think I saw a piece of actual pornography until I was like 20. I mean really remedial shit. When you didn't need it.

You were, no. Look at thisial shit. We didn't need it. No. Look at this brain, boys. Look at this big brain. This sexy brain. So there'd be like talk about mounting feelings, but then I didn't understand what would happen. And so the characters would just piss all over each other. Like, oh, and then his pine is something and I peed on him.

Wow. I feel we've really opened with one of the most arguably... I did not see the pee coming. Oh, did you not see the pee coming? No, there was no ramp up to it. You didn't see pee pee coming? There was no disclaimers. It was just straight into they peed all over each other. Oh, because that was like, and then he peed on you and then I peed on him. So when Jenny was doing it with someone, you go to the house party, you go to a room, Champagne, Michael Bolton,

and they'd look at each other and then just both urinate on each other straight away. No, it'd be like they'd be, it would, I said humping a lot. It'd be like humping, humping, humping. Yes. Piss. Piss. So my dream start would be chili salted corn ribs. Oh yeah.

Lovely. Love corn ribs. When did corn ribs first come into your life? Mate, I tried it a couple years ago with my real wife went out for dinner and they we saw it on the menu corn ribs and we were like corn ribs when did that ever come into how's that a thing yeah let's give it a go. Mate we back oh yeah it's so good delicious they're incredible I think I I might have had them for the first time there's a restaurant called Fallow in uh in London and had them there and then I think I might have had them for the first time. There's a restaurant called Fallow in London and had them there.

And then I think they suddenly they're everywhere as well. Like I think they started doing them at like Wahaca or something as well. But yeah, you've tried to make them, right? I made them loads. Yeah, I love making them. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't want to have to chop up a cob. Chopping up the cob is hard. I will admit. Yeah, but yeah, I've got a good technique now. I've had to do it. Yeah. I'll get through them a lot quicker. The first time anyone listening, if you're planning

on chopping up some cobs the first time you might just be careful because it's very easy to just like end up with a knife in yourself, in your belly really. Cause that's like chopping board height. And then when the, when the cob disappears from underneath the knife. Yeah. So you just just take it slow. But now I'm all over that. It's great. And then and that you make them really quickly, toss them in a bowl

with all the whatever you want. Chilli salt in this case. Yeah. Delicious. Love it. So good. So good. And you can pretend like what when it says corn ribs, what creature do you imagine? The ribs have come from, I imagine Jolly Green Giant. Oh, okay. Yeah.

It's quite small ribs for the Jolly Green Giant. Yeah. He's got a lot of them. Oh, is that what you imagine you're eating? Yeah, yeah. Jolly Green Giant's ribs. Someone's caught him and killed him. Yeah.

And then I'm eating his ribs now. Do you imagine that they're from a creature? No, I've never thought of it that way. No way, it's weird actually. Well, yeah, it's the only creature I can think of who would have sweet corn ribs is the Jolly Green Giant. Yeah, that's true actually, yeah, I hear that. I think he would definitely have sweet corn ribs

and maybe a cornless cob as a penis. A cornless cob? Yeah, so all the corn would be off of it. Oh, yeah. I can't imagine him having- A corny penis. A cornless cob. Yeah. So all the corn will be off of it. I can't imagine him having a corny penis. A corn on the cob penis. But I can imagine him just having a cob penis. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if he had a corn on the cob penis, he'd probably have to see someone. Yeah. Yeah. He would. Nobody wants a corny penis. No one wants that. No, because no one's

penis is made out of the same thing as their ribs are. Yeah. That would be mad. That would be crazy. Yeah. If your ribs and your penis are the same, then see a doctor. That's actually a very important message for anyone listening. I heard that the Johnny green giants had one of his corn ribs taken out so he can suck himself off. That's why there's no corn on the cob. He had to go around it sideways though. He knows what he likes. You usually get put with Anthony Mackie with Junkits when it's like Marvel stuff, don't

you? So you two have to sit and do the interviews together? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm pretty sure that happened because about six or seven years ago, because I was so bad at junkets. I was always so quiet that they're like, we need to give him the loudest man on the planet to revive him. And he does. I mean, Anthony is just so, you guys would have such a blast with him on the show. Like he's big time. It seems in an interview, has he got a boat or something? Or is that just in the show

that you guys did? No, no, no. He has a boat. I think he has a boat. He also goes fishing. He goes hunting. He's been trying to get me down there to go hunting with him for a long time. I'm like, Anthony, I don't can you imagine me with a rifle down there in the backwards of New Orleans I mean but it would be fun I think we should I would do that with him in film it because it just would be ridiculous you know in a good way oh people would watch a whole series of you two going hunting together yeah into the wild but he loves that thing like you know he'd be the one to on that there's those shows you know that take'd be the one to on that. There's those shows, you know, that take actors

and put them on a mountain and then they have to kind of like survive. Yeah, that wouldn't be me. That wouldn't be you? No. How long do you think you could survive on a mountain? What's he got with him? What have they given him?

Good question. I don't think it's, I'm not thinking of that show, Naked and Afraid, you know that show? Yeah, that's just when they're naked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got more than that, I'm imagining. Like you've got some water. Yeah, I mean, they're naked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You've got more than that. I'm imagining like you've got some water. Yeah. I mean, it's not like that. Sign up to naked and afraid.

Is he Sebastian Stan? Naked and afraid are just the one way to go out. Like the last hurrah. Return to innocence. Yeah. Quite a good end to the career. I don't know who, why anyone agrees to that show, to be fair. No, it's fascinating. Isn't it? Like, I don't know why anyone agrees to that show to be fair. No. It's fascinating isn't it?

I don't know either, but there are people that do really well on it. I mean somebody's cut out for it. But I just think no matter how well you do on it you're still butt naked on TV the whole time and you've got to carry around the mic in a little bag and it looks really undignified. There's no winners. Have you seen Naked Attraction? Have you seen that?

I have seen it. We were just talking about it. Were you? Just talking about it. Yeah, we were. Because we're talking about wild shows here and that one, that's hilarious, isn't it? It's like, it's really like a car accident. You're just constantly enamored. Yeah, just the way the thing slides up and then from the feet to the middle is some of the worst moments on TV I've ever seen, I think. Imagine being behind that screen when it's got above your dick. Yeah. And just thinking, I actually hope that I get eliminated now because I'd like them not

to see my face for this to go on TV. Yeah. That's right. At that point, I'd be like, I'm happy going home with this. But they've got to be, I mean, I wonder what the submission? At that point I'll be like, I'm happy going home with this. But they've gotta be, I mean, I wonder what the submission process for that is. What are the questions that they ask or, you know. I think they just send through a photo,

a full length naked photo, but this producer looks at it on really slow internet so it loads up from the bottom so they can imagine, they can imagine the reveal of the body. I don't know what it'll be like. Sometimes I can pretend to be on a regular track. I've got electronic blinds. That's amazing.

Flatly goes into a courtyard. In a certain place. Yeah, yeah. So who's judging you on this? The posty, you know, postman and various people. Well, one of the most common problems is the blokes who go on it, very afraid of, you you know looking small on TV

Trying to make it look as impressive as possible before going on but then there's a very fine line Yes, where if they if they just get all the way boner, they gotta go home Yeah, it's like you can't we can't put that on TV. Right? Right, right So they're like I've got to make it as impressive as possible without getting too impressive. Yeah. But that would be even so, um, sorry about this. It'd be so psychotic, wouldn't it? Like you're like, your brain's just trying to figure out where to send blood to begin with. And it's like, you're just like, there's a million people that are on the other

side, just waiting. And it's, uh, apparently the studio is freezing cold as well. Yeah, so they're battling against the elements. That's not helping. Yeah Is anyone doing anything particularly interesting with the poppadoms? Are they doing cheesy garlic poppadoms? I think we've had cheese on them Melted cheese poppadoms sandwich. Yeah. Yeah, we have someone chose that because then I promised I'd eat one in the bath for some reason Yeah, and then he still hasn't done it. So I'm done by the way in the episode where he promised he would do that Absolutely adamant he was gonna do it Me saying you're not gonna do that him being like I absolutely guarantee you that I will Yeah, as soon as the episode went out and people were asking for it went on

That's a comic reliefer yes baked beans About a bath of baked beans. Yeah, classic. What was it pop eating a pop it I'm in the bar eating a pop it on cheese sandwich in the bath Okay, yeah, it was gonna do it. I mean if comic relief get hold of you and ask you to do it you do it I just don't think it would make a lot of money for them. Really. I disagree Oh, if they're asking you they know their stuff after beans. I get, it's like, oh gross, I'm sat in a bath of beans. I understand why that was a thing. Yeah.

But just someone having a normal bath eating something. To be honest, I think Comet Relief would get more people to donate if they said, is this celebrity having a normal bath? Hahaha! I think a lot of people would be like, great. Great. You can see how Gabble's dick. My dick? I don't bath with my dick out of the bath. Well, you'd be naked with the bar. I mean my

Where are you filming it? No, you think you've got see-through water? Yeah Yeah, but I might have bubbles in it and I might be shooting in my way of bubbles in it I'm not shooting if I'm not getting a drone and shooting it from above. It's not up to you. Come it really for filming I'm out. I know what's gonna get people donating money. I said gambling the bath. It's a drone shot. There's a stick naked That's his day. There's his dick. But with a cheezy poppadom over it, like a fig leaf of Adam slash Eve, so you can keep doing it. But hang on, I'm eating it though, so as I take a bite, am I revealing more and more of my dick?

Yep. It's a you pay to stay situation. The more you pay, you can see more of your dick from under the poppadom. Very generous mime there, Phil. Yeah. It's good stuff. All right. Well, if Commie Relief get in contact, I'll speak to them. Yeah. Yeah. You should speak to them. I think that's good. I think you get a lot of people donating when they realize that actually the beans were doing them more harm than good Yeah, getting people to chip in or Failing that just do on only fans

Yeah, I was gonna say I don't think comment relief want to make that sort of leap into only fans content particularly today Well, they've got you got to decide just how much they want to help people like who cares about dignity at that point It's raising the money comment relief. We've got got stopped worrying about their brand who gives a shit the people worth off in the world get a Campbell's dick on the telly on the telly I thought this was online content hold on a minute comment relief goes all night okay so I'm on later I'm not like I'm not like 7 p.m. Lenny Henry's like welcome to Comic Relief let's have a look at this guy's dick No this is a late night one this is where like you know one of the more edgy comics is hosted it yeah yeah yeah yeah

and then they go to you in the bath and bearing in mind Ed it's under the water they're not gonna get a good idea of the size because it's like it magnifies as well refraction and also refraction magnification yeah but you can never tell with magnification sometimes. It might do the opposite. Oh, you reckon?

Yeah, I'm just getting my excuses in early. Yeah, I've got a haunted house dick. Also, you've got to make sure that you sit, don't like, sit too low in the bath, so it floats up and it's like, you don't want your boy bobbing up and down, and peeking out the surface. I think I do, like Nessie. Like it floats like Nessie. That requires up and down.

Nessie is three. Yeah, he's really boasting. If you got a Nessie, you should get that on Comet Relief. That's incredible. It is a bit like Nessie and only very few people have seen it and they're all mad. The most delicious now that I've been eating meat for like a year now, the most delicious has to be the lamb at Alkaff in Whitechapel, which is a Somali restaurant. And it like it's lamb that falls apart. It's one of the most delicious things.

There's not much there on the plate other than the meat because the meat speaks for itself because like it's lamb that's been cooked for ages and it's melt in your mouth. It's absolutely delicious. But apart from the fact that it is one of the most delicious dishes I've ever had, I realized that it had that Ratatouille reminded me of childhood moment because my grandmother was raised in Kazakhstan and in Kazakhstan they make something called Dishbarmak. Another bloody country thrown in. Wait, you can't handle that many countries.

It's such a global family. Its entire family tree is one street in Wimbledon. Yeah. Island, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. So she used to cook a dish called bishbarmak, which is like local to Kyrgyzstan and Kazakhstan.

And it is that like fall apart lamb with some egg noodles in it and some raw onion. It's the most delicious thing you'll ever, like it's just meat at a spurious form. We're not talking seasoning, we're not talking marinade. It's like, it's the fucking fattiest lamb you've ever eaten in your life. And it's gonna blow your mind.

But also she was, sorry, I'll stop talking. Do you could interrupt me at any point because I could talk about my own life. Why you're a guest on our podcast? When you're talking about food on our food podcast when you're a guest. Well this one goes on a bit. Quite a lot to say about food actually, weirdly. So my grandmother who grew up in Kazakhstan, Nina, her, all of her grandmothering revolves around fear based things. So like she's like, don't eat too much sweets because your butthole will still stick together. When I was like, when I was growing up and I would be terrified to eat too much, too much sugary sweets because like the syrup-ness of the sweets.

It would stick your butthole together. Yeah. And you don't want that. Your grandma would say, but it would stick your butthole together. Popa slipnitsa. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then you'd be like, terrified because like, oh, I can't eat it anymore, anymore chocolate. Cause that's like a phrase, like a phrase that she was using. I've never heard anyone say it other than her. Or was she genuinely saying to you, you will, your butthole will literally stick together if you eat too much sweets. And as a kid, you'd be horrified. And it was an effective, an effective tactic. Wouldn't have worked on

me. No way. Win-win. How is that win-win? I don't think I enjoyed going for dumps that much as a kid. Yeah, but you must have understood it would be it would be uncomfortable to have your butthole stuck together. Well, then you just get really full, right? Yeah. Where's it all going? Yeah. Well, I keep it in my body for longer. That's nice. I like sweets. You don't like having the sweets in your body, right? Yeah, where's it all going? Yeah. Well, I can keep it in my body for longer. That's nice. I like sweets. You don't like having the sweets in your body, right? You'd like the taste of them. I need to call my grandma. She'd be able to argue. What were some of your other grandma's fear tactics? So one of them had to do with the lamb. Yeah. So, okay. So because it's, it's really, really fatty and really, really hot. Makes your butthole massive. If only.

And then a girl can dream. So it's like, it's salty, it's fatty, it's really, really hot. And because it's so salty, you really want to drink cold water because it's really hot. But then I'm assuming it's kind of true or she just did it for fun. She's like, you can't drink anything cold

because all the fat will just solidify inside you and you'll die. It's very, very body horror. All of your grandma's stuff is about being constipated in some way, right? Yeah. So then you'd be, you'd be terrible. So you'd be so thirsty because it would be so salty, but you wouldn't be able to stop eating it because it would be so delicious. But then you would be so scared to drink anything cold because you didn't want it to solidify inside of you. And then you die. And then you die. So it's like she would give you just like the hottest tea with it, which didn't help

the thirst at all. Hands are sort of really panicked. I have a nostalgia for this panic to figure out. Yeah, yeah. There's got to be some sort of like jeopardy involved, I guess, with whatever you're eating. Yes, you're battling the food in a way. And so when I had that lamb at Alkaf, the Somali restaurant, it brought me back. It brought me back.

Did you have a cold drink with it? No, I was too scared. I choose to stay, I'm too scared. Still won't do it. Still won't do it. I don't know the science behind it, but I'm scared. What if it turns into aspic inside of me? Yeah.

Every time you eat sweets, do you think about the butthole sticking together thing? Yeah, one of those things. That stays with you. Yeah, it would. It was going to stay with me. You're also my grandma. Looking at the sugar content of a thing. Yeah.

How much has my butthole got? Now where's my butthole at the moment? My number one starter is the dream plate of nachos. The most incredibly done nachos that you've ever prepared. My brother is a professional cook and I was back in Chicago for a birthday, I don't remember how old, and he said like, what do you want for dinner? And I said, he's a professional cook in Chicago. Yes. Is he the bear from the bear? My brother, listen to this, my brother trained at Michelin restaurants, like did the whole thing in Spain, doing all that shit, comes to Chicago,

trains in all these like Michelin restaurants, and then opens a sandwich shop. And so when the bear started, they go to my brother, and they're like, would you consult on this show? And my brother is like, this sounds fucking stupid, and no, and turned it down. And now he's like, because he,

we pre-talked, our pre-chat was bear related. I have, my brother and I think a lot of other industry professionals do not die for the bear in the way that some of the rest of us do. But now he's watching it being like, I can't, it's such a phenomenon. And so on the one hand, he like hates it because he doesn't feel it's a realistic representation but that is his story and his journey. So now if you guys are in Chicago, you will have to go there for one of his sandwiches.

No, only if he was a consultant on the bear I would go. Yeah, I'm gonna eat at his place. No, I'm too busy. I'm going to all the places that are owned by people. Except my brother's sandwich truck. I only eat food by people who are consultants. Just show up there. Look for someone who looks a little bit like me, but younger and a man. And then just say that and then leave.

For listeners, James is wearing a t-shirt from the bear. I am currently wearing the original birth of Chicagoland. So this is mad. This is mad. This is mad this has happened. It's mad that your brother is the bear, but also isn't the bear and hates the bear. Is your brother a hottie? Here's whether or not my brother is a hottie. Are you ready for this? Yeah.

All right. They tried to use him as an arm consultant on the bear. No. So my brother was like, not attractive. He was this very round, round boy. Which is great. Be a little round boy. Yeah. Fine. Grows up. Yeah.

And is like, something happened. And he's still a husky boy. Husky husky. Yeah. But he got attractive. And there was this sort of window between him growing and like being on track and like before he had three kids and life gets difficult and my friends would be like your brother is so hot like when I'm your brother's hot I'd be like is okay and my parents are obsessed with my brother's hotness in our family I am the natural byproduct of my parents like there are these two people and they're how they are and I'm the child that they would have the perfect combination of all of their things I would say the shitty combination of all of their things,

but thank you for the compliment. And then they have... We're glad that we weren't there to talk about what you've just said, so fair enough. Whatever. And then they have this boy, and he is this blonde, beautiful, perfect creature. And they cannot believe and beautiful, perfect creature.

And they cannot believe that they made this child who's so perfect. And at my sister-in-law, dark, but it will get funny again, I hope, her father passed away and I went to the, we're a Jewish family, so I went for the Shiva, which is sort of like the wake. And so that's the environment, it's a Shiva and where people are mourning and it was one of

the occasions where my sister-in-law was like introducing my brother to all these friends and family for the first time and I'm there with my parents and my father kept going watch people look at your brother for the first time watch people look at your brother they can't believe how handsome he is they watch the next time she introduced they're like obsessed with his beauty And he's not what I always say about my brother's attractiveness is if I say nothing about it to people and then they meet my brother They're like your brother's kind of hot If I go on about it now when you guys see him you'll be like you really oversold how hot your brother is

So this has been this thing and in my late 20s and his sort of early to mid 20s I was like, oh, I guess my brother is like a babe. I spent a summer in Chicago. So he's always lived in Chicago and when I was in the States, I was mostly in New York. And I was cycling. It's a great cycling city and there are all these like really like six way intersection things or whatever. And I'm cycling, I'm like 28.

I'm adorable. I'm peaking. I'll say it. you can't say it, but I was a peaking. I'm like a girl on a bike, oh my god, oh my god. I see across the way, I see an adorable man, also on a bike, and he looks at me, and I was just like, oh, that cute boy is looking at me,

like that's so great, like, well, we will come of this because we're gonna cycle past each other But just that's a lovely and flattering moment That would happen later The light turns green We cycle cycle we're looking at each other. We're fucking looking at each other we get close enough. I'm like that's my brother That would be my brother we stop I'm like I like we working is like a we never spoke about it like it wasn't we were a hundred percent checking each other out yeah never spoken about well how do you know he was checking you out he wasn't just

like oh there's seven my feelings second of all because of the awkwardness that could feel and then years went by and I like started I was like Oh, that's like a funny. It's like a funny thing that happened and my sister-in-law does not find it amusing But I think it was the moment where I was like you saw Benito is not pleased Did your brother confirm that this was what happened when your sister-in-law doesn't like it? I've never said to my brother with whom I like to think I have a close relationship, not sexual, let me add. That's fine.

Yeah. I guess if you're living in a world where you have to add it, you're going to wonder why. Do you guys know that incest is actually very common? I've never fucked my brother for real, but did you legit know that? Like a lot of people are fucking their sibs or doing shit? No. Another conversation.

It is true. We can talk about it another time, but a thing is that I think a lot of people are fucking their sibs are doing shit It is true we can talk about it another time But a thing is that I think a lot of people are experimenting with family member like maybe it's more cousins Find this statistic how are they even getting those statistics? Who's admitting to that let alone that many days common, please don't send me those statistics I've never said to my brother, can you please confirm in 2008- Ben has never had to write on his list of things in the podcast incest. He's ready to make his night pad. He's never had to do that before. I bring the heat, mother fuckers.

My brother made me some wonderful nachos. Thank you. For what I believe was my 36th birthday. Okay. He homemade the tortilla chips. Yeah. They were like freshly fried. Well, he made a mole sauce there. It went heavy on the homemade. Even the way you're talking about the nachos. I can't you want wanna bang your brother. Yeah, it's so obvious. This is not fair. It's so obvious. I think he's a great guy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't wanna bang.

Yeah. I don't wanna bang. Yeah. Describe the nachos more. All right, you guys, they were like, so tasty in my mouth. I'm trying to, you know, I'm trying to talk about food in a serious way now. I'm trying to bring it back. Well, the nachos sound lovely.

I do sound good nachos. They sound great. Whatever. You know what? I think if you talk to my parents, they would sound like they want to bang him too. I think there's this weird fixation in my family with like my brother's excellence. And the rest of us are like these pieces of shit. We just get to wander around and be related to the king.

That is the attitude. Yes. Where's the best place you've had like a mango salad, like a really refreshing? The Barbican Bar and Grill, they have a kale salad. It's called a Kiss Me Kale Salad. They've named the salad after the show. This is great. It's a coincidence.

I'm plugging right. I'm plugging proper right now, but they've got this amazing salad with like mango and it's just, yeah, it's great. It's so nice. If people did order the Kiss Me Kale salad and kiss the Kale. And kiss the Kale. What was this? Kiss Me Kale?

They get the salad and they kiss the Kale. What, they pulled it out of the salad and then kissed it? Yeah, or they leant down into the bowl and kissed it while it was still in the bowl. While it was still in the bowl. So it's up to them. They can either pick at the bowl with both hands and bring it to their mouth and get off, fully get off with a kale. What, tongue the kale?

Yeah. Yeah. Or they can pick it out of the bowl and then kiss it. And then tongue it. And then tongue the kale. Yeah. Like, would they be allowed to stay in the barbecue? Do you think or like what's the policy there?

Cause technically that's not their fault. It's called kiss me kale. Yeah. I feel like you got to express yourself how you want to express yourself. Yeah. I don't think you should be punished for that. So if you want to tongue the kale, I think you absolutely should.

Yeah. I think it's the, the kissing, I think is fine. I think when you said they get off with it, I think it's the the kissing I think is fine I think when you said they get off with it, I think that's maybe the line are they like shutting their eyes as well? Yeah. Yeah Yeah, unless they kind of maybe mumbling like words that Is that what you do while you're pissing someone James? Yeah, I go, oh baby.

Yeah. No, that's cool. I think you only upset people who don't really like, you know, public displays of affection. Yeah. But it's not your business. If you want to tongue the kale, then you absolutely should go and tongue the kale man. Tell them, tell them, tell them how you feel. Empress gin, that's a really good Empress gin.

Also Empress gin with tonic is really good. I know that's like gin and tonic is whatever, right? But, but that gin with the tonic is a really good drink. Made well, it's a completely new drink. Yeah. Gin and tonic, when someone makes you a proper good one. Yeah. Yeah you are Oh, okay. This is totally different to what I've been drinking Yeah, and it is just like spending a bit more time

I'm in having like the gin having a bit more flavor to it rather than just like bog standard gin Yeah, and this one sort of turns purple when you pour it in there. It's it's very that also gives it a little Effect but for some reason it just complements it. Well, that also gives it a little effect but for some reason it just complements it well that's crazy it turns purple yeah how does that happen I don't know I'm across the side so someone did that and you didn't know it's gonna happen he saw it turn purple did it remind you of Thanos and you got angry oh I thought you were gonna say New Year's Eve. No, no. What you like. That motherfucker. You've got to still be mad at that guy.

No, I don't. Yeah, I don't think about it as much as you think. I would if it happened to me. I would if it happened to me, I'd think about violence all the time. You got snapped. You were the ones, you got dusted. I know.

I'm fucking furious at that guy. I know. Well, it was amazing how well that villain was In a way, he actually was you know, he was having kind of his own midlife crisis. Yeah turn on the world Yeah, they were levels. They were levels to that What do you think that was like for your couch? I said a lot of characters happened to but you're there you've been in Wakanda fighting I think you feel a bit feel a bit shitty and then suddenly you're on his massive back You're completely different place And then you feel a bit, I feel a bit shitty. And then suddenly you're on this massive,

you're in a completely different place. Do you think at some point you had to like get yourself, Bucky had to get himself together and be like, okay, fuck it, it's a different battle now. And a load of shit's happening. I'll get caught up on it later. Or was Bucky like, guys, please catch me up on what's been happening because like,

I can't just go into this fight not knowing. I can't know what's going on. I think, I think the minute he's so used to fighting an enemy is that the minute he sees it it's like yeah right back in it. Sure. But the version you described would have been I think more cinematic. Wait time out. What the fuck is happening around here? I just wanted to go to the bathroom and I came back and like everything's a different world. Yeah, because they even knew this was like a different Thanos from a different time and

the Thor's already cut the other guy's head off. Yeah. But actually this is someone else from a different time, but we still need to keep, we kind of messed up with the time travel thing and just, or whether it's like we'll catch you up later, but the baddies are the same ones as before. I feel like you've thought about this more than anyone else on the planet. No way man. It's interesting though that movie does spiral down a rabbit hole. You find yourself kind of going and asking different things because once the time thing gets flipped, anything is possible. You know, it's like we can all keep doing what we're doing but then Dr. Strange can turn back time. Like

I mean, what, you can't fuck with that. I mean turn back time. Like, I mean, what he can't fuck with that. I mean, that's, yeah. So it's very important that he doesn't have that stone anymore. If he did every movie, just be like, yeah, there you go. One, one twist. Yeah. I would like to see like a caper film with him where he's just fucking around with time for a laugh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It keeps going back in time to the same spot over and over again. We had a cartoon here when we were kids called Bernard's watch.

You familiar with Bernard's watch? No, it was good. But it's really good. It was good, but like everyone had the kind of same problem with it, but like it was a little kid and he had a watch that could stop time, but he could just walk around and do whatever. So everything would freeze. The only British thing that I remember when I was very, very little is a very controversial show called Benny Hill. Yeah, yeah. He should never be in possession of Bernard's watch.

No. If it was Benny's watch, it would be a very different show. He causes enough trouble when time's moving normally, right? Chasing those poor ladies around. Chasing those poor ladies around the trees and stuff. Which is the music. It does blow my mind that Benny Hill was such a big export across the Atlantic that that was the thing. It's weird. Yeah, I remember just growing up and that,

seeing that show when I was little and then Beverly Hills 90210. Yeah. Strangely and Baywatch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like they were massive in Europe. Yeah, the two representations of different cultures, Benny Hill and Baywatch. Yeah Crossover episode where Betty's chasing the ladies, but it's all in slow motion Yeah, or the beginning of the Baywatch the Baywatch titles at the beginning but with the Benny Hill music in the background and stuff Yeah, that'd be good. Yeah Cadbury chocolate. Yeah It's such a thing is it't it? It's good stuff It's amazing. Well American chocolate is shit. You know what the idea is?

Maybe wrap up to that slowly before. Okay. Well Hershey's is the worst thing I've ever tasted. No, no, no You can't compare those but Tony's chocolate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah is this new it's fairly new, right? Yeah from Holland Yeah, unbelievable. Also they because of all of the they're not like solid standard chunks in the bar You end up breaking off a bit to be like I'll just have a bit but it comes off at a weird angle and you break Yeah, you always see and then there's gone. There's half. Yeah, it's gone. Yeah, did it. Do you remember Kinder eggs? Yeah Yeah, yeah. Yeah, those are great Crack that thing open a little astronaut would come out. Yeah, out. Or it'd be like a stupid one. You'd be like, no, I got to get another one.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. There was a period of time where it was always a little like China terrapin, um, like playing the pan pipes or like with a surfboard. There's other different terrapins. Yeah. That was when I got into Kinder eggs.

That was your favorite era of kinder. I wanted to get all the terrapins that you got in the Kinder eggs. I've got a few. It was a great, brilliant idea. Whoever invented the Kinder eggs. Yeah. Yeah. The toys tera pins that you got in the kinder eggs. I've got a few of them. It was a great, brilliant idea. Whoever invented the kinder eggs. Yeah. The toys came in phases like Marvel, didn't they?

Yeah. It was like, I mean, yeah, now if they were still, I mean, I think they still do kinder surprises, but they're not as popular that Marvel would consider doing a crossover with them. Right. That would be like the pinnacle of your career, right? If someone said, we're going to do you and a kinder egg

from any film you've been in. Yeah. That would be like, I made it. Yeah. So I guess it would probably be marvelous. I don't think it'd be the cannibal in the kinder egg or you as Tommy Lee. It just ends up being a mistake. I mean, by someone just does one. Yeah.

Randomly. So I'd buy the Tommy Lee kinder egg. Yeah. 100%. It's as master as Tommy Lee in the kinder egg. Yeah. I mean, what would that even look like? It depends. What part of the story? Yeah. 100% as Tommy Lee in the kindergarten. Yeah. I mean, what would that even look like?

It depends what part of the story. It could be one drumstick. I'd recognize him on naked attraction straight away. Tommy Lee. Yeah. Yeah. Tommy Lee on naked attraction. Surely it would come up for everyone else. It's just the feet, but Tommy. Yeah. Dream dessert. It is. There's a pub near where my mum lived in Reading.

It's out in the countryside. It's a country pub, sticky toffee pud. It's got dates in. It's got that almost like tangy, metallic-y taste that you get from the drizzle-y stuff. And there's kucky for days. there's there's kucky for days. Sorry? There's kucky for days. Kucky?

Custard. Of course. I don't think kucky is an acceptable shortening of the word custard. I thought you'd been given diarrhea by these. But I thought you'd eat the sticky toffee purd and now you've got diarrhea for the rest of the week. Kucky? Kucky for days. It's so delicious, but you get cookie for days.

Yeah, I'm going to get some cookie on there with the... I don't usually give life advice to the guests. You've got to stop calling it that outside of this podcast. I mean, in it is fine. I mean, I know what it means now, but do you regularly call custard khaki? I do. I do. Do you? And is there, does anyone else join in? Do you know who else calls it that?

Curly from Oakland. Curly love khaki. Curly love khaki, sure. But like, I mean, also, kooky could mean something else. People call each other cucks all the time now. Yeah. And stuff. Yeah. I mean, that's like a Shakespearean word.

That's not even, yeah. Yeah. So if you're just like, if you say to the waiter. Well, they know, they know what they're serving here. They know it's called kooky though. Hold on a minute. Whose dream restaurant is this? I'm taking flack from.

They know the lingo. So if you say to them, if you point the sickie toffee pudding, cuck me. Yeah, they're not gonna serve me Ed's diarrhea. They're gonna know exactly what it is. It's creamy, it's sweet, it's I guess eggy because of egg custard and it's just right. Hot or cold? Hot. Hot cucky. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hot cucky man. How was this never, never thought it was weird until now? I don't know. It's weird. I know, but it's, it's, you know, I'm, it's, it's who I am. It's my cross and I shall bear it. Yeah. You said hot cucky, Goldstein before?

I don't think he said it. This is probably the highest profile outing that cookies yeah, yeah for me so far also You're not gonna be anywhere with Brett where cookies on the menu are you? To be honest you could convince him that it's called that he's never seen it before Try cookie another time let's help people that I've had cookie with Phil Dunstan. This is called cookie. No it's not that, that's custard. You can have it hot or cold, cookie.

Phil likes hot cookie. I mean it does sound like a delicious dessert, however much you've tried to make it sound absolutely disgusting. I've never seen someone do so much legwork to make an objectively delicious dessert sound gross. You can have it on the side. When you're at my drink, you can have the khaki on the side. You can have your hot khaki on the side. Yeah. Don't just put your khaki all over your lovely sticky toffee pud. Yeah.

I'll have your khaki. I'll say, I'll have it. Are you going to have it? James, do you have any khaki? No, I'm not I'm not if you want to drizzle all over your put yeah, get your khaki on your put no No, I was gonna leave I'm gonna leave I'm gonna have a khaki Do you mind if I have your khaki yeah if you want to have my khaki you can I'm gonna spoon your khaki Yeah, how does that cookie you so so turned on? You get your hands off my cookie.

But you're having it all over your pud? Yeah, yeah. I'm not shamed. And most likely like one of those sticky toffee puds that's like out of a, you know, plastic cup with a film lid or do you think it was made on premises? I think it was made on premises. It was one of those where I think it was probably in a tray.

It was made in a big silver tray. It was a proper legit one. Good. And the kucky had like, there's vanilla pods in there. Yeah. But vanilla pods in there. Again, I mean, absolute like legit nice custard should not be called kucky. Kucky.

Such a disrespectful term. Oh, it's delicious. It was delicious kucky. And... Is this a family thing? Does your whole family call it cuckoo? I think it is yeah. So the Dunsters all say cuckoo. So Pam's not gonna bat an eyelid when cuckoo comes up at the dream? And he's used to it by now? Ellie I think probably still shirks it slightly. Dad, he's got a snorkel and he's like... He's not face down in some cuckoo with a snorkel and he's like... He's not facedown as some kucky with a snorkel sticking out, is he? His bird faced straight at the kucky.

A snorkel. I love kucky! I mean, yeah, the man loves kucky as well. Yeah, I guess we're a kucky family. Do you know what? Here's what I'm hoping. One day you'll be out having some delicious food and wait, would you like any desserts? I'm probably, I'll have the chocolate cake. Why don't you have chocolate cake? Yeah, yeah.

I'd order chocolate cakes. Yeah. Do you want any kucky with that? Hang on. So you're hoping that- Is there someone in the service industry is going it's gonna become and then it's gonna Disseminate across all restaurants. So are you hoping that it becomes so commonplace that one day? You know happen to us or you hoping that

What because what's happened to both of us many times is someone who works in the service industry has heard this podcast times is someone who works in the service industry has heard this podcast remembers something like that that we've long since forgotten. Not that we will ever forget this conversation Phil. And then we're at a restaurant and they, the waiter or waitress will do an in-joke to us like that. And we won't know what they're talking about. Is that what you mean? Cause I hope that never happens. I hope if anyone's listening, if you come up to me in the restaurant and say, would you like kucky with that? I'm leaving your restaurant. I will say that this will not be one of the things I forget. I hope. Every time I see custard, I'm going to go, Oh, kucky.

And I'll feel a bit sick. I can't have ruined delicious kucky for you. Surely. And yes. I mean, yeah, it's not getting any better each time you say it. I tell you what, what is not just chicken that Brett has had with me is one of the kucky tarts in Ando's. Oh yeah. A pastel de nata.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they, as the Portuguese insist on calling them pastel de nata. No, they call it pucky de nakky. Everyone knows that. lucky Andy Zoltzman was one of our Christmas special episodes this year and made up some bullshit courses. Hold on a second We've only just recorded that episode. That's mad. I thought this had been on the table the whole time We've been Darren Brown. But he predicted what Zoltzman would come out with. Let's hear some of Andy's fake menu. I mean, in other wonderful main courses I've had over the years, I've been to a few of the restaurants of the American celebrity chefs,

Scluton, Malvane, and in one of his restaurants, his signature thrice-slapshotted puck of ruthlessly executed guiltless cow served on a sesame besieged matrice of yeast inflated in heat metamorphed wheat-influenced dido, besourced with a deconstructed and reconstructed ketchupine rouge of tomate squiget, comfortably blanketed with the rectangular time-right and coagulated udder origin lactotum of maternal bovioid or to give it its nickname a cheeseburger. See this is what I thought would happen every course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought Andy's going to have written a bunch of stuff that doesn't exist and we're going to have to engage with it. No that exists. But Andy says it's a cheeseburger. Yeah, it's a cheeseburger, yeah. I don't know if you've been to any of Malvane's restaurants, his Emoto Bistro, where each dish is intended to provoke an emotion as well as a flavor. Right.

Fantastic. Wow, I've done it. Signature dishes include hollow-eyed haddock, pessimistically served on a resigned bed of feta compli seaweed, gunpoint served ransom of lamb's liver, frightened into a territory presented with a harrowed memory of spirit broken split peas, and giggly hen sausages aroused in a pseudo-erotic catch-up of seriously buff strip tomatoes. They all sound quite nice.

It was like you hit your threshold of saying stuff that was real and then you were like, I've got it, let me just do this before we carry on. I must have done nearly half an hour. Yeah, it's amazing. It's interesting, your two main passions are stats, which couldn't be more real. Yeah. And absolute bullshit. I mean, in terms of octopus, gluten, malvein, some wonderful octopus. I thought I sensed Andy had zoned out. He's reading his doc. He's reading his doc when he was teeing something up. His protestor on. This is the first protest themed restaurant in the world where waiters

take your orders by chanting through a megaphone, what do you want? And then you announce what you want and then they say, when do you want it? And you say now. And then they go, oh god. But it's amazing start. It was a crusade of crudités, of rioting rietes of real grouse, placards of Icelandic elk ham vitrioled with squid ink slogans and brandished on a Soviet influenced sausage stick. And the main courses, I mean the octopus dish, which is a pastry fenced occupations of octopus, riot-ple pleased with carrot batons and suede by a propaganda of lefty lattice. Hard to look beyond that. So, I mean, the beef from around the world served overdone or under reported. They were pretty good. And, um, force fed opinions of sheep driveled in an

evangelical sauce to raisin tomah, redriveled in a half baked tomato motto. That was, that was also excellent. I cannot believe kettle chips isn't in there absolutely waiting for yeah yeah yeah grumble was excellent yeah and the furious banana banners with an absolute fool that was a that was also good good got that off your chest? Yep. Anything you want to say before we go Andy? Yeah, any more bullshit on the laptop for us? Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't want you to have written a whole dish out and we don't get to hear it. I think we've covered it I think.

Oh, well, Malvane's got a new insect restaurant. Oh, fantastic. Malvane's got a new insect restaurant. Oh fantastic! Andy's got a new restaurant in Paris which is an all-you-can-eat shellfish seducto brasserie called Moulay Vos Bouffet à Vos Moises. He's got a couple of Christmas recipes he's just put out on social media. One is a regretful wood pigeon hand haunted in the memory of asparagate wrongdoings, bondage to a bed of covertly assassinated scallops and hard-punched potato faces. Or you can go with the high-speed car crash tenderised paragon of overbearingly mothered beef groin with a splenetic reduxio, gruffly manhandle chanterelle mushroom willies and

a pert bouncer of cabbage tits. But he's got a new insect, because obviously insects are going to be the future of food. And his latest insect menu is a trio of breast of ladybird, filet de wasp and tarantula web snaffled moth sweetbreads, heartened by a sauce squiglish of fear motivated larvae. Then you've got an amuse bouche of ato-pop cocoon of caterpillar flouncing into a mouth flutter of freshly buttered butterfly, and then a maggotine of swat-orphaned fly infants confronted by an encroachment of filth-fed cockroaches counterintuitive on a tally-a-tally of hand-splattered worms. Beautiful. Well, that's the future of food people.

But Andy brought an extra guest with him. His stomach. How did you know that was going to happen? How did you know that was going to happen, Balita? Here's a montage of his tummy rumbles. Well, no, he doesn't must know what it says. Oh, yeah. Someone's written this in a rush in between the records. Yes. He's a montage of his tummy rumbles. Andy Saltzman is a montage of his tummy rumbles. Andy Saltzman is a montage of his

tummy rumbles. I think about Nord, I do like, I mean, the Indian, the Indian breads, Asian breads are, yeah, give you a lot of options. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're pretty banning as well. Yeah. If you want, you could set your dream meal in an Indian restaurant and you could cheat the system that way, get proper thumbs and bread. Yeah. But of course the rest of the menu might not be. It might be, I mean, look, the stomach just rumbled. It's not only rumbled. Mine started as well.

It was the most cartoon stomach rumble that we've had on the podcast. We've had quite a few stomach rumbles on the podcast. We've done it both of us. All the time. I did one earlier. Benito's never does because he's a god damn robot from space. So he doesn't have any emotions, even hunger. But Andy's went, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, Well, I might go with Vinu Mankad, who played for India after the second world war. I don't know why James has asked this question because he's not going to know who the person is. No, no.

You're not going to know who they are. Yeah. He was a very good player, spinning all rounder. And I'll probably choose him because he's been deaf for quite a long time. So I'll get more food. Yeah. And his stomach's gone again. When I, whenever I do a podcast, I bring thematic corporeal noises.

That's what the laptops really for. He's secretly pressing the space bar every night again and setting off the stomach crumb will sound effect. I love it. Are you going cone or cup? Cup. Cup. Yeah.

Good. You've passed. You've passed the test. I mean, you know, you don't get cones in cricket. They all wear a cup. Loves it. Your stomach is really struggling it's yeah well you say you're loving it every time absolutely phenomenal it was from the moment we

started it's not stop it's going crazy it's going absolutely crazy on you picked up on Mike but he's oh surely it's about first one has to be picked up the first one the first one was louder than Andy speaks that frequency is yeah, it was a very high picture He cuts through all of us. Yeah, but that last one just there must do as well. It was quite a what's basically mine Literally my internal monologue How many flavors per cup Because sometimes I get excited and I'm like three scoops in a cup and then they all mix up Yeah, losing the purity of it to his optimum. You can always you know, go back and yeah, yeah

Yeah, like a bonus. Yeah, if you've done well on the first two Yeah, I find it hard not to go free because I love ice cream so much And I always I always go should have just gone to like I was like now remember next time just go for two Because you know, that's enough and it's nice and they complement each other and Free is this always you know too much ice cream and they're not gonna compliment each other so much Can they go for you go in different ways one of the best ice creams? I've had was a vanilla ice cream a restaurant in London possibly Andrew Edmonds, and it just had Pedro Jimenez Sherry pull on the top and

Simple but divine. I love it. I absolutely love stuff like that. Yeah. With the, with, with the sherry poured on top. It's proper. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Vanilla ice cream with booze on it. Yeah. Yeah. Whiskey as well with like with that kind of ice cream. Oh, it's great. But and I don't know if this counts as dessert, but like a cheese trolley. As either or. Now listen, here we go. This is the controversial point here Andy we have

Sorry, so this is wheeled That was the sound of the sound of the trolley wheels on the floor Yeah, yeah, yeah sure don't worry it happens to a lot of guests it's great having two guests on. So listen, for this transparency, there's guys on the podcast before who decided that they want a cheeseburger instead of a dessert. I've gone absolutely apeshit at them. It makes me furious. Ed and I have both on our dream menus chose a traditional sweet dessert and a cheese board and had them

one after the other in whatever order. And we've had other guests do that. And we know you've got history with that after your Christmas Christmas meal in Melbourne. I like that because I do like doing that myself. I like the cheese course is either a bridge from the main course to the dessert or afterwards by the fire with your friends just like taking your time with a cheese but that's fine. If you have it in place of the ice cream especially because it sounds delicious your stomach is going to be making way worse noises than what it's currently making. I'm going to wait on you. I think this is a Christmas episode it would be a shame to not give you the ice cream and the cheese board.

Right, good. It would be a huge shame. So I mean a good cheese board is one of... Oh, just for the stomach. Sorry about this. The stomach's run out of battery. And it's still bloody bleeped. Anyway.

And the um... Stomach. Really tired. Sorry. Um, your stomach's on vibrate and your phone's on loud. Anyway, um, stomach, really tired. Um, your stomach's on vibrate and your phone's on loud. But of course there was one section this year that really got the listeners going. Oh dear.

Let's hear some fan fiction from huge Davies. No, turn off, turn off the episode. Don't listen to this. You do a very grimy podcast. Yeah. Yeah. I will say, yeah, this is actually quite odd being here, because it was only recently that we... So I do a podcast called Slime Country.

I do it with Sunil Patel and Ed Knight. And every time we read out like a fan fiction that someone's written, it just so happened that week that we found one, an off- off menu one, and we had to read it out on the podcast. And I have to say it's very, very difficult to listen to slash read out. Yeah, very hard. A lot. It's very weird. They get weird because there's always Ninja Turtles and that kind of thing.

Yeah. But the ones where you know the people in, which is a few, we had one with Uncle Roger last week with Gordon Ramsay. few. We had one with Uncle Roger last week with Gordon Ramsay. Gordon Ramsay was, it was translated from Chinese, Gordon Ramsay was, he was called Lao Bao for some reason. And I think Uncle Roger was, I think he was called Little Trout or something. It was quite odd. Anyway, your one was very strange. What happened in our one? So you... By the way, before Hugh read this out on his podcast, he did

message me to check my consent. And I gave yours. Yeah. I mean, no one else. Yeah. No, yeah. I know that you'd say no, because it doesn't, as you'll find out, it doesn't hold you in great esteem.

So I can't remember precisely, but I got the main points of it. It starts off James let's himself into your flat with a spare key. Okay. You're watching some shit on television. They make sure that you're, they say that you're watching some shit on television. You crawl into Ed's lap and break down into tears immediately. What the? What?

Ed let's stroking- I've let myself in to do this. So far, bang on. Yeah. And then you're sort of... I can't believe this. That's what people think. Yeah.

Yeah. That's what the fantasy is. That's like, cause it's an exaggerated version of like, so they think that you come in, you're crying about how bad your day is. The section where you're talking about your bad day goes on for so long it's so long where you're talking about all the things you're having a you know i think you're like having problems with like your agent or something like that and it's just comforting you're stroking your hair and then you're like weeping you're like crying all the way through

this and it's just stroking your hair hair and then you beg him to tie you up. You're like, you are begging him. I can't believe this. Someone vote this. I'm so happy I'm the guy. We had to stop because it was like, it's too hard to read. It became difficult. What? Because you were finding it upsetting? I think it's because people write. What what because you you're finding it upsetting or because

People have written because people write these these um fan fictions It's always funny because you're you don't really it's because if it's a if it's like the teenage mutant ninja titles It's like it but when it's real people that you you know Yeah, it becomes quite sinister that they would you know There's people like in a setting in which they might come to see you live and the first instances go like, I'm going to write like a, like a 16 chapter story about how, while crying, Ed, Ed had as a, as a go on James whilst he's tied to a bed. Still crying for the whole thing. Yeah. You're crying for the whole thing. You've had a really bad day, man. Yeah. But this is like, also the way that it's written it's like this is

just normal because you've just let yourself in yeah it's like it's like oh here we go again yeah I have to time it's like he's crying so much about his bad day I wouldn't recommend you listen to it because it's like no it's hard to listen to it all the other I'm hearing about it now and it's disturbing can't believe I'm just being painted that's not's all the fans see me. Yeah. Have you not ever read a fan fiction of yourself before? No. There's loads man. That was only one of them. We were going to do a whole, we're going to do a whole month of it. James Acaston month.

Yeah. Crying in all of them. We're about to cry in every single one of them. It doesn't sound good. Oh God, I absolutely love it. Honestly, we don't often stop. We have to stop. We never stopped. We had to stop. It was too much.

We couldn't get to the point where he was starting to go. You do go for it. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine. It's got to happen at some point. Yeah. Holy smokes. Sorry about that. I can't believe it. I crawl in the room.

Is that the thing that upset you the most? Smokes sorry about that. I can't believe it Myself in for it Myself in with a spare key. You haven't even got up to say here. It is you're just watching TV Like the fact that you're not even like oh who's coming in? Oh, hi Jim You just sit in there watching TV and I have to crawl. And then I'm on your lap crying about my bad day. And then I beg you to tie me up. It's not even your idea. Yes. There's a lot of nuzzling. I remember Sunil specifically being like, why is there so much nuzzling?

That is like, that is a sums up all my every weirdo who's ever seen me is that they would get turned on by the thought of me nuzzling God thanks to ever write that and what my tied to a bed. Yeah By the way, if you're not listening in the produce the sound the sound guy is be surprised by the way if you're not listening in the produce the sound the sound guy is absolutely love that yeah cuz I'm big strong boy yeah boy watching TV doesn't have any feelings you're watching garbage yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's the worst you've come off. Yeah, yeah. It's when you relax, you watch garbage. I'd like to keep banging wood garbage.

I've got all sorts of problems. I love that. I think, yeah, you... Are they writing this because they find it arousing? Are they writing it because it's a lot of food? The comments below will also be like great, like, be a great story. They find it sexy.

Yeah, people read it and wank off to it I reckon. Jeez man. Jeez. James, I know you've not enjoyed talking about this. So later on, when you let yourself in... I'm crying about what you've said. When you crawl into his lap, make sure you don't get tears all over the TV remote. That's why he uses that to watch his garbage television. Yeah, he watches my garbage television. I don't have time for much nuzzling tonight,

so we're just going to get straight to the tying up and fucking, right? Yeah. No nuzzling for me, I guess. Crikey Moses. Does he say that? Yeah, that'll be in the next chapter. I've made a note of that. And then he says, at the point of climax, he shouts, Crikey Moses.

But there will be another one. Because there's so many. There will be another one of this. What do you mean there's so many? People, just look up. No, I'm not looking at shit. No way. It's a dark hole, you'll never get out. It's what you're complaining about actually during the dark hole you can't get out of. Yeah. Bad day, man. You're in a bad day. Yeah.

Fucking hell. Bunch of creeps, man. That is messed up. It's scary, isn't it? Scary world, isn't it? That is scary that's in someone's head. Yeah. Isn't it scary that you can be so good at stand up that people will write that about you and then you're forced to confront it in your own podcast. Well it's scary that if you even have some sort of platform and you're talking about your emotions for a second they're like I think he cries so much and it becomes this big thing. It's hard. It's a fucking cry all the time.

Yeah come on keep crying. He cries all the time, he's nothing, he's crying, begging for it. That's so funny. Also I think you're like this. They kept referring. They don't they referred to Ed as Ed. Oh no. They referred to James as the boy. We read the full thing. If you check out them, this is the biggest, this is the most, this is the biggest, this is the biggest plug for the podcast I could do, but you've got to be ready for word for word. The most disturbing thing on this podcast was when Ed said he has a spaghetti plane with a doctor on top.

But this is absolutely... This is why, do you know what? Far too many... I hope some comedians are listening to this. I hope there's some comedians who are my friends who in the past have said to me you should really like be more open with your fans man and talk to them and you could like you know sometimes they come up to you and they want stuff from you and you're like oh no I'm kind of in a rush or whatever and they're not really upset to me you should really give them the time of day fuck that if that's what this is what they're doing I don't want to be a single one of these fucking creeps Forget it. Just the boy. Yeah, the boy the boy does this is a how what's going on in their heads Wouldn't be annoyed if he wasn't crying in the story. Yeah, if I wasn't crying in the story

Yeah, what is it number of things? Not just a car if I wasn't the boy Wasn't being called a boy if I wasn't crying if I wasn't begging to be tied up because you probably don't want to do it if I wasn't crying if I wasn't begging to be tied up because you probably don't want to do it if I wasn't like I see it's more like fucking all right call into the room on all fours that's funny man I'm already this subservient like lower than you like calling into the lap a bit like you know where the cat sets the senses on a. They're changing. Like, I'll be fine. Do you know what? If that is how I did things, I'll be fine with it. Yeah. But I'm just not, anybody who does like doing that, who wants to be the subservient like that, fair play to you.

I'm not judging you, but that's not how I like to do it. And people putting it on me and making that a thing. Every room I've ever seen you come into, you've walked in. Thank you. I'll say that I've got you back. We've never nuzzled Yeah, never nuzzled. Yeah, what a little nuzzling. That's the one thing that didn't That says more about them. Yeah, so dessert then is it a dream drink? Oh my god, I Oh my god! I forgot how awful that was. I spoke to Hugh Davies at the Blose of Christmas party and he was saying he'd seen your special and very much enjoyed it. He was worried when you start talking about having the boy with you on stage.

Oh, believe you me. On the tour after Hugh's episode went out there was a few people Who had called all when we know who the boy is and the first time that that happened I did not know what they were talking about. So you're not listen back to this podcast And it's been a very long time since we've recorded that very surely It's been so long since we've recorded hugest episode. I didn't even know that that was the episode that had been out So when they said we know who the boy is a lot. What are you talking about? And then they had to remind me. I was like, well, that's ruined the whole show. Well, that's it for another year. As ever, we wrap up the best ofs with our annual Puppet Ops or Bread compilation.

Is this really the end of the best ofs though? Maybe we'll release something else on Monday. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Puppet Ops or Bread, Puppet Os or bread, Daddy Dyer? Pop-doms or bread? Well, it's an odd one, because you never go in a restaurant, you don't get off of that, because obviously we're in some nutty gaff. Because I'm getting the option of going to go pop-doms. Pop-doms or bread? Pop-doms or bread, Peter Capaldi? Pop-doms

or bread? Oh God, that's hard. Pop-doms or bread? Pop-domsaur bread! Pop-a-domsaur bread, Peter Capaldi! Pop-a-domsaur bread! Oh God, that's hard. Pop-a-domsaur bread! Pop-a-domsaur bread, Noel Fielding! Pop-a-domsaur bread! Oh my God, pop-a-domsaur bread. Bread. Pop-a-domsaur bread! Pop-a-domsaur bread, Natalie Cassidy! Pop-a-domsaur bread!

Sorry, I'll cut you off there. I didn't expect to. No, it's all right. That's the pop-a-domsaur bread bit, isn't it? You gotta cut people off. Pop-a-domsaur bread! Pop-a-domsaur bread, Andy Zoltzman! Pop-a-domsaur bread!

What bread? What are the bread options absolutely Please yeah bread, please Please yeah, but please Carrie Brown Steve bread I love poppadoms. Oh, yeah Jesus Oh, Ranabear. Actually, he called you Ranabear. Ranabear? Sometimes. Sometimes I say Be-Bear on stuff. Pop Lapsor Bread! Pop Lapsor Bread!

Finn Wolfhard! Pop Lapsor Bread! I don't even know what the first one is. Yeah. Yeah. Pop Lapsor Bread! Pop Lapsor Bread! Good thing is I've heard this podcast enough to know that that's not a, you know, that's not directed to me because of the colour of my skin Poblobs or bread? Karen Gokhan Poblobs or bread?

Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread? Hamadhan Abbasan Poblobs or bread? Bread Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread? Hugh Davies Poblobs or bread? Bread

Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread? C-mat Poblobs or bread? Bread Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread? Jayden Pinkett Smith Poblobs or bread?

Poblobs? Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread reds problems or bread? I'm sorry jayden pinkett smith pops or bread pub lobs Josh when it comes up bread problems problems or bread problems of bread session Monica Jackson put it up the bread I'm gonna go for poppies Red Sarah Bowen problems or bread okay? I had a last-minute shift on this one Bread Bread Okay, I had a last-minute shift on this one I'm sorry, so if you will it pops up bread bread Bread Can't have poppadoms don't have a gallbladder. Next question. Up to you. Poppadoms or bread?

Poppadoms or bread, Ray Winston? Poppadoms or bread? Oh, depending on the bread and where you are. In Italy, the bread's very good. Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Michelle D'Swart? Poppadoms or bread? I think I'll go for a poppadom.

Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Nabila Torshi? Poppadoms or bread? Bread. poppadoms or bread? poppadoms or bread? in the bill of door machine? poppadoms or bread? bread poppadoms or bread? oh smoke poppadoms or bread? did she tell you that? poppadoms or bread? poppadoms or bread? poppadoms or bread?

killer mike? poppadoms or bread? none of that for me to start poppadoms or bread? poppadoms or bread? poppadoms or bread? poppadoms or bread? poppadoms or bread? poppadoms or bread? Rachel Stevens? oh that's a really tough question poppadoms or bread? popdums or bread? Pop-a-dums. Pop-a-dums or bread? Pop-a-dums or bread? Rachel Stevens. Oh, that's a really tough question. Pop-a-dums or bread?

Pop-a-dums or bread, Reese Nicholson? Pop-a-dums or bread? Every time it went a bit quiet, I was like, it's coming. Pop-a-dums or bread? Pop-a-dums or bread, Jason Manzougas? Pop-a-dums or bread? I'll be honest, James, it's gotta be bread because... What is the first thing you're saying?

Pop-a-dums? Pop-a-dums or bread? Pop-a-dums or bread, Rukmini? Pop-a-dums or bread? It's definitely bread. I hate pop-a-dums, they're grim. Pop-a-dums or bread? Pop-a- Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Rukminia? Poppadoms or bread? It's definitely bread. I hate poppadoms. They're grim. Poppadoms or bread?

Poppadoms or bread, Robert Poppa? Poppadoms or bread? Okay, I, uh, poppadoms for Italian, bread for curry. Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Helen Skelton? Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms. Nice.

Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms, man! Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Sebastian Stan? Poppadoms or bread? None. Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread? Mmm nice Problems or bread problems or bread Sebastian Stan problems or bread none I'm so bread. I'm so bread. I mean that pub loves our bread Jump yeah, it's fine. Yeah, how about anyone jumping ages? That genuinely scared me then. I thought I was going to be so ready for that. Jesus, you're good. Pop Lumps or Bread! Pop Lumps or Bread, Johnny Robbins! Pop Lumps or Bread! Well...

Really scared you there, didn't he? Yeah, really, really, really scared me. I've never seen him scared before. Pop Lumps or Bread! Pop Lumps or Bread, Sam Campbell! Pop Lumps or Bread! Pop Lumps or Bread! Pop Lumps or Bread, Ian Stalin! Pop Lumps or Bread! Pop Lumps or Bread! Pop Lumps or Bread! Pop Lumps or Bread, thank you, boy! Pop Lumps or bread? Pop lobs or bread Ian Starlin? Pop lobs or bread? Pop lobs or bread? Pop lobs or bread Frankie Boyle? Pop lobs or bread? He just mentioned it so I couldn't shock him. But he was about to take a drink so I thought it was now or never. Maybe you'll be able to scare Frankie Boyle. I don't see why I have to choose but as I have to choose obviously it's bread. Pop lobs or bread? Pop lobs or bread? It may be tomorrow to bread. Pop lobs or bread?

Oh so um... Pop lobs or bread? Pop lobs or bread Lucy? Pop lobs or bread? Oh my god, you're scared. Yeah that's probably one of the most I've ever been scared in my life. Okay, I'm just going to drink some water for this. POPDOMS OR BREAD! POPDOMS OR BREAD! Jessica Dabham! POPDOMS OR BREAD! POPDOMS OR BREAD! POPDOMS OR BREAD! Mike Walsley at POPDOMS OR BREAD! Er, POPPEDOM please.

Okay, I can... POPDOMS OR BREAD! POPDOMS OR BREAD! Joe Wilkinson! POPDOMS OR BREAD! I'm gonna go Papa Dom's. Pop it up your bread. Pop it up your bread, Jessica Hines. Pop it up your bread. I do not understand what you just said. Pop it up your bread, Jessica Hines. Okay, this is what I heard, James A. Custer. La la la la la la la!

Yeah. Okay, so you need to slow down. Yeah. You need to quieten down. You need to say it again. Yes. In a calm, inside voice, please. Thank you for doing this. Finally, someone's done this. Could you say it again in a calm, inside voice please. Thank you for doing this, finally someone's done this. Could you please say it in a calm, inside voice and then I will respond.

We're having a lovely discussion about creamy hull and you've shouted over the top. I heard all bread, what I did not hear was that KALALALALA At the beginning. Okay, so start again. Take a breath and start again please. Would you like poppadoms or bread Jessica? Okay, now we're talking poppadoms. Yeah, it's a nice chat Would you like poppadoms or bread, Jessica? OK, now we're talking poppadoms.

Yeah, it's a nice chat now. Poppadoms, always poppadoms. Thank you.