Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 12: Josie Long

Episode Date: February 20, 2019

Comedian, filmmaker and James's former boss Josie Long visits the restaurant this week. The genie's on his best behaviour, Ed definitely isn't into tantric sex, and everyone has a lot of fun telling dad jokes.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography) and Amy Browne (illustrations)Josie Long is on tour with Jonny & The Baptists and Grace Petrie with The Lefty Scum tour. Visit josielong.com for details. And catch her film 'Super November' at supernovemberfilm.com.Ed Gamble is on tour. See his website for full details.James Acaster is on tour. See his website for full details.James’s TV show ‘Hypothetical’ is on Dave, Wednesdays, 10pm.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Bon appetito and welcome to the Off Menu podcast. I guess today is Josie Long. The wonderful Josie Long. One of my favourite comedians. Very exciting. She's an amazing comedian. We've toured with her before. We've toured on tour in 2010 with privilege and an honour. And now, to have her on this podcast, the same. The same, also. Quickly explain the podcast for us, James. We'll be asking Josie, her favourite ever starter, main course, side dish, dessert and drink. And I'm a genie waiter. And you're a genie waiter, which now and again,

you forget it came up a lot in the initial episode. And then quite often you do forget that you're a genie and the guest leaves without ever knowing that you're a genie. Yeah. Well, that's the good thing about being a genie sometimes is that you don't, people don't know if it's you or not. There's that theory that in Disney's Aladdin, the merchant at the beginning is actually the genie in disguise. It definitely is. That's not a theory. No, it's a theory. Disney haven't confirmed it. And it's not there. It's Robin Williams' voice, though.

It is still his voice, yes. Yeah. And it looks exactly like the genie. Yeah. But it's a theory. It's not a fact. Our resident Disney expert is looking confused and is googling it. Oh, the director confirmed it. Right. The first thing that comes up is that the director confirms that that's the genie. That's definitely what it's supposed to be.

But that's like, there you go, see? That's like me. Is it? You don't know he's the genie at the beginning. Yeah. So when they've left the restaurant, they don't know that I was the genie. You've got many gears as a comedian, Joe. My favorite gear is when you realize everything's falling apart. Yeah.

Keep well, then. So this is a great episode. Josie's brilliant. Do like, subscribe, review, all of that sort of thing. We and our outro and intro capacity will see you after the podcast. But in a minute, you're going to hear us in full podcast mode. And very importantly, Josie cannot order a dish with bay leaves in it. That is the secret ingredient. The secret ingredient. If she orders bay leaves, she's out.

Then she'll know I'm a genie. Hello, Josie. Hello. How are you? Good. Thank you. Welcome to the Off Menu restaurant. Thanks very much. Welcome. Welcome. May I take your coat? Yes. It's a coat that I found under the bed that I had sitting around for six years.

Oh, really? It looks quite smart. It looks quite good, actually. So, hang on. Is your coat, but you lost it six years ago under the bed? Or it's someone else's coat? It's my coat. I was using it. When me and my pals were making a short film, it was just us. We didn't have any, like, expensive wardrobe.

But it was in Scotland in November. So I, like, had this downcoat. And in between, I would put it on myself and be like, travelling, you know. And then, in my head, I was like, that's my set coat. Yeah. And put it in the box under the bed. And then I opened the box and I was like, this is a nice coat. I'm a fool.

And you've forgotten it was under there completely. Yeah. Like when you find a fiver in your receipts or something. Oh, yes. The best. The very best. It's so good. Or, like, a nearly completed loyalty card. I'm always finding men with the receipts. Like, take it all out the purse.

Love it. I did my taxes a month early, which feels like I did it 10 years early. Wow. Yeah. Do you feel good? No. I hated it. It was horrible. Me discovering an old coat is great.

It is like buying a new coat. Yes. And also, it's buying a new coat, but, like, previous, you've done all the hard work. Yeah. Because as long as you've not changed that much previous, you know everything about you. Yeah.

It works. You like it. But you haven't worn it in a while. So you go, I still, it feels like a new me. Even though it's the old me. Even though it's the old you, yeah. Very philosophical early doors. That's what I expected from the Joseph Long episode. Well, also, I've been, I think I said this to you the other day.

A spoiler. I've had a baby and I'm the first person to have done so. So it's... Oh, what was that? A spoiler? In the world. Spoiler for her. Insofar as life is terrible.

No. But it does such weird things to your identity. The other day, I felt like I was in, I guess it's like an episode of The Sentences, where home is suddenly in this, like, dimensional vortex. Yeah. The world around him strips away and he's just like,

I was like, ah, this is full on. So you've got to cling, when you find an old coat. Yeah. You've got to cling to it. You put the coat on and go, this is what it was like when I didn't have a baby. This was the coat. This is how you used to stay warm when I was childless.

You just walked around. So yeah, you can take my coat. Okay, cool. Thank you very much. Take a seat. Any seat you like. We don't normally say take a seat to people, but like... No.

You're really going through the rigmarole of being a waitress. Sometimes when I listen to the podcast, like, you know, my first break in comedy was that Josie took me on tour with her. I supported Josie. So I think I still feel like Josie's my boss. Right, I see. When she comes in,

I'm giving her the treatment way better than anybody else. Yeah. In this restaurant. Whenever you're on tour, it wasn't like I was like, I'm the boss, James. No. You've got to do this.

But I still respected you. It was still like, I had to be like, you know, this is Josie's tour. Right, part of the thing is making it easier for her. I don't do what my job was. Even though they told me that was my job. Josie didn't say, listen, you're going to make this easier for me.

I tell you how you're going to make it easier for me. Yeah, you were still like, my money was coming out of your tour. So you're still paying me. That's the boss's job. That's the boss. Which is sad for me because I'm an anti-capitalist and I truly hate the bosses.

So now all this time I've been a boss. You've always been my boss. So you're the first guest I've offered a table to. Oh my God. Because I feel like I'm going to place the boss. Honestly, do you know, there's so few places in my life, I've never had a restaurant where people are like,

hey, any table you want. Do you know? I really never get that. It'll be like, well, you're going to have to wait for half an hour. Or there's no one sat in there. And they're like, that table there,

they should offer any table at that point, I think. I hate getting offered the drafty table. When it's like... Do they call it that? When it's over there. But you can see that they're like, why don't you sit next to the door? Do not I hate when there's a booth available,

but they're like, that's for four people. You've got to take these with you. I want a booth. Yeah. If four people come along, I'll get up and move. But come on.

I want to curl up in the booth. I want to curl up in the booth. I get them and say, I'm a mother of one. I'd love that excuse. One day. It is a good excuse to get a booth. You're right.

Worth it. Mother of one. When you're pregnant, you can get pretty much everything you desire. Oh, yeah? Yeah, except for a decent shot. Well, sit in this booth. You have a booth.

I'll give you a booth to yourself. Look at that. Congratulations. You really are rolling up the red carpet today. I'm absolutely beaming. The boss is in. I'd say this is the first episode there's been a booth. Yeah.

Normally. Oh, I love it. It's just a shack, normally. Yeah. Normally, it's like those tables that there's no chairs. Is it in Japan? And you just sit on the floor. Yeah.

Normally, that's what the restaurant is, but we've never referenced that. But in my head, it's always been that. If you sat at those, they're very painful. Are they painful? I'm not flexible, though. I'm not. Oh, I had to sit on a kayak in murder.

You ever sat on a kayak? I thought you said, I had to sit on the kayak in murder. Yeah, that's what it's like. You have to sit on a kayak in murder. You committed to the murder. You committed waterborne murders. A lot of skillful murders.

You could do it just at home. I've laid on the end of each of my paddles. Yeah. I've got around just. Killing fish. Just sticking people. And then, like, going away. But it's murder on my core.

Yeah. As well. That's what you want. You want to work out and a spree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I had to sit on a kayak on a stag do. Right.

In a kayak. Yeah, and go kayaking. Yeah. In the sea in Brighton. Yeah. And it was horrible. But don't you put your legs out flat on that? Yeah, but, like, you've got to get your back straight.

Because otherwise, you can't. It starts hurting right in there. Absolutely horrible. I hate it. You sound good. That, you know, perversely, that sounds like my idea of fun. But I. Yeah, you love it.

All right. Well, sorry, you don't have to sit in the booth. You can sit in this kayak. No, no. When we were on tour, I did force him to go swimming in the sea. And it was in, it was on the Isle of Mull. And it was freezing cold. And there were seals in the water.

Yeah. And he, like, he doesn't have subcutaneous. No body fat. Protection like I have. And so I was like, you know, like, it's actually quite fine. And he was, like, blue. Yeah. And he's like, I'm trying to do this for the good of a tour.

For the past time. It sounds like, I mean, the more we find out, the more horrible a boss it sounds like you are. The boss getting me in the water. I really like swimming with the seals. They were, when the seals came over to us, it felt very special. Are you going to die, Josie, just before?

Well, I was sipping my tea in a really sort of gangland way, but it's not right. Yeah, you were trying to stab me, yeah. Because it was amazing. Anyway, so. I like swimming with the seals. It was, it was Portobello that broke me when we swam in the sea in Portobello in November.

Yeah. And afterwards, I felt like my heart was beating on the surface of my chest. And to be fair, it probably was like your body was going, what are you doing to me? I remember, I was driving on that tour and you and Johnny were like, oh, we've got, we've got to get to the gig.

And I was like, I can't feel my feet. I'm not driving yet. And then when we got to the gig, you did, you did a bit before me where you said, this guy's a wimp. Just so you know, wouldn't, wouldn't drive because he couldn't feel his feet. Evil boss strikes again.

It was funny though. First of all, may I get you some water? Yeah. Sparkling or tap? Am I allowed to have sparkling water? Is it, I feel like this might be a trap. No, it's like a dream restaurant. Yeah.

To have sparkling, I mean, I think most of the time if I was in a restaurant, I'd be like, just tap water's fine. Yeah. But I'm here. Yeah, exactly. I'll have sparkling. I'll have the, the crystal sparkling water

that you keep for special buses. Now watch, I visited you this week. Oh yeah. You're home and you had sparkling water. We did. And I got a lot of that. I didn't mention it at the time, but I thought, oh, I wonder if she'll ask for sparkling water

for the podcast that you have. I do. When I was a kid, if we ever went on hold, what was weird about when I grew up is like, my family, at home, my mom would quite often like, feed me like a Donna Kibab, you could microwave individually or like stuff that was very sort of like 80s convenience stuff.

Yeah. If everyone on hold it would be to France or Spain and my mom would become this kind of 1950s, like English woman abroad. Like the con vivante, you know? It's like, whenever we went to Spain, she'd be like, like in Spanish, like, Agua con gas.

And like be really like, you've got to have this incredible sparkling water. You know, and then we'd go to that category and it's not like, she'd then be like, and I've brought back some brie. Yeah. It would just be like,

eat the microchips. Yeah. But when she went to France or Spain, it was, it was special then. Yeah. Sparkling water. Feels like a treat, even though it's water. Sure.

But I know what you mean. It's still, yeah, it feels like a treat. I wouldn't normally have it, but now and again, if I do it, I'll always make the dud joke of going like, why not? Let's splash out. I'll have some sparkling water.

I do mean that deep down. That is going to be such a good dad. Oh, 100%. Yeah. Because I'll make the joke about sparkling water all the time. Number one, yes. You need to make your jokes regularly and forever.

Absolutely. I'm cool. Hi, cool. I'm dad. You know. I've heard that one before. Jenny, you liked that was not a bad laugh. Yeah.

One of my favorites that I do now, and I'll be doing it as a dad as well, is when they bring all the food to the table, I'll say, what's everyone else having? Oh, love it. Yeah. Lovely. You've just finished the whole meal.

Yeah. Well, that was the start of that. Yeah. Yeah. Perfect. Oh, you've finished the entire meal. They come to pick up your plate. Yeah.

Couldn't eat a mouthful of it. Absolutely disgusting. Yeah. That's a classic. You go, oh, no, I hated that. Hated it. Well, it's Halloween. If someone's dressed up, they've got a mask on.

And the dad had to go, well, you put your costume on? Yeah. Oh, they take the mask off and they go, take the mask off? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Or you're on the phone, you have a really long conversation, and you put it down and you go, wrong number. Oh, I do that all the time. That was on that tour. You did that all the time. Actually, when I was on tour with Greg Davis,

whenever we had a meal and the waiter came over, his joke would be, oh, mine was delicious, but he hated it. Right. Oh, a bit harsh. Bad boss. He's dropping you in it. Bad boss.

Evil boss. Don't like that. He learned everything he knows from you. He never tried to dunk you in the sea, though, did he? Oh, Josie. Pop it up, Josie. Pop it up, Josie. This has come out of nowhere.

Yeah, but it's every episode, and our producer, the great Bonito, is scared every single time it happened. And this time I saw him reach for the volume on his headphones, because he thought it was coming, and he got there just in time. He's a gentle soul, but you are torturing. He is for our great Bonito.

That's a hard question, and it's a horrible question to think of. Yeah. So, I think I'm a celiac, but I haven't got the... I feel like if I get the diagnosis, then I have to be really strict about being gluten-free, and I just can't bring myself to do that,

even though I get, like, massive rushes whenever I... Like, I know I am, but I feel like if I don't... It's like buying glasses. Sure. When you buy the glasses, it's like, oh, I have to wear glasses. But until then, you can be like, no, that bus is just too far away.

No one could read it. No one could read it. And so, I'm gluten-free, but in, like, a wink-wink way. I'm like, I'm gluten-free, but that's a croissant and we're in France. Yeah, yeah. And so, like...

That's a croissant and we're in France. Like, we're not fucking about here. You have to balance it with the fact that we live once, and bread is the best thing in the world. Exactly, yeah. I would choose bread, and ideally in this imaginary restaurant, it wouldn't give me the pain and distress

that it does in real life. I think that's fine. Oh, like... It's... St John, that restaurant... There's a restaurant, pardon me, two branches. One is Bitterfields and one in Smithfields.

Yeah. And they bake their own sourdough. And it's so beautiful. And that was some salted butter. Yeah. I've been, oh, like, unsalted butter. Oh, I was trying to, like, write a thing of, like,

it's like sex without an orgasm. And then I was like, that's not who I am. Doesn't sound like a crazy long track, does it? I can't remember going, I mean, come on. But I was like, sex without an orgasm.

But it is. Yeah. So, yeah, it would be sad though. Tantric butter. Yeah, but isn't, isn't that whole point of tantric sex that when you, when it does happen,

is, like, bigger? As far as I understand it, you can't, like, part of it is that some, you should be happy with just doing it and not having the orgasm in the end. So, like... The grossest, the journey.

Yeah, it's all about the journey. Sure. I mean, I'm not into it, guys. I'm not condoning it. I don't want it. If anything, get rid of the journey whatsoever. I'll just eat a bucket of salt.

Oh, now we're talking. Do you have any gluten-free bread recommendations for people listening who are looking for good gluten-free bread? I really do. They'll probably know, there's one brand called Genius, gluten-free bread,

and it's changed the game. Like, before that, gluten-free bread was like this sort of powdery, powdery, sad... It was like, you know, budgies have that thing in their cage. Yes. It's like a bit bone.

Yeah. And they, like, peck at the bone. Yeah. That's what it was like before. There is a word for it, isn't there? But it's like a seedy bone. No, no, not seedy. It's like white cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish. Oh, right. It's the centre of a cuttlefish. They just peck on that. And it's a sad little life. That's what gluten-free bread was like before Genius came along. Genius just smashed the whole game

wide open. And as a result, everyone is, like, making their game because Genius changed the game. Great. There's also a bakery chain. I have a real vendetta against chain food.

Like, especially chain restaurants, it makes me so sad. But, that hasn't been said when Pizza Express started doing gluten-free pizza, I was like, I shall enter your doors. But there's a chain called Beyond Bread, and they do fantastic stuff.

They do things like croissants that actually taste like croissants, and bread that has, like, the real texture. Wow. That's nice to recommend. Nice that that started. One person upset. It's certainly funny how everyone else goes,

oh, we can do it, actually. Yeah. And, like, it's so funny because it's something so small and so niche, but that's life-changing for the smaller amount of people. Yeah.

It's literally like, oh, I can have toast in the morning every day. Yeah. Astonishing. Also, there's some things like, it's like we're vegan food getting better now. And it's not just vegans who eat.

It's like, you kind of want to, everyone wants to try new stuff if it's delicious. Yes. Like, and especially if it's more ethical. Anyway, I love, I love meat.

He's put his hand up to say that. I'm not going to paint myself as a good guy all of a sudden. I just want everyone to know I'm going to paint myself as a real good guy, and actually, I'm a murderer.

Do you consider it like that? I've got a kayak and a paddle, and I'm fashion some blades on my, on the other end. What do you call it? What do you do? Well, I'm sticking people in the ocean. I call it, you know,

it's just part of human nature. You're top of the food chain. Sometimes you've got to get any kayak and kill some people. Yeah, that's true. I'm for your starter, Josie. Oh, so this is the one that's the most roaming,

but I'm going to settle it on one that's very recent, but it's kind of a genre. I'm going to settle it. There's a restaurant around the corner from me, and it's the closest I've got to going to a place

and then recognizing me. Like, they know me and they know my partner and they saw me during my pregnancy and we bring the baby in sometimes. And very recently, maybe three months ago,

for the first time since I had the baby, I went there on my own while Johnny walked the baby around the park between six and seven p.m. and I had dinner on my own in a restaurant and it was the most incredible experience.

I was just sat there and like everything I ate was like, oh, this is the best thing I've ever eaten. It was like the most like mindful but like beautiful experience. I guess having the chance to take time over eating it

and enjoying it after you've had a baby is quite tricky. Yes. So, yeah. And to be out, like it's such a brilliant restaurant. It's called My Neighbours of the Dumplings

and so it would be like a little basket of dumplings. Yeah. They did a really beautiful prawn dumpling. They started recently doing a pork kimchi dumpling. That's amazing.

That's amazing. They do crispy prawn wontons. They, everything's delicious but I think it would be that what I had, the first thing I had when I got there was a prawn dumpling

that was really peppery. Yeah. And I remember eating it thinking, is it more peppery today or am I noticing it? It was, oh, it was bliss

and it was like so special to me but I would also, I always think about, there's a film called Mermaids that share an owner-writer, somebody else and probably a few other people. Yeah.

Not just that, it's not a two-hander. And then think about the crew. Caterines. The best boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of people Gaffa.

Gaffa, of course. Yeah. It would have been a very short credits if you said share, no, no, either. Yeah. But you'd be impressed. Well done.

They did everything. Yeah. It's only ever one of them on screen because the other one's filming. Everyone's filming doing the the lighting. Doing the catering. They've both got joint DOPs.

The awkward handover of the camera. What did you say? What? All of a sudden it's the 80s so it's going to be a big, old unit. We're not fucking about it. It's on wheels.

So in that film, the mum only makes starters. And all my life, I've like been at, I think starters are the best. Yeah. They're better than everything. You know some people like

starter or dessert, starters. Yeah. They're great. They are good. It's always more interesting. There was a restaurant in Edinburgh for a bit

that was just a starter's restaurant, I think. Really? But I think it's shut now, but yeah, it was just, I think it was called international starters. Oh, this is the other one.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, this is the other thing, dumplings. Yeah. So I love trolley dim sum. I love where they just bring

around more and more and they try to force it on you. And I just end up like, yes, yes, yes. And also I'm not shy. Like, so there's two left and there's three of us. I'll eat one of them.

Sure. And if people get upset, I'll buy a whole extra punnet. I'm not fucking about this. But so it would be like, I like any sort of dumpling, an international dumpling.

I like any international dumpling, any international pancake. So I like. What a rule. Yeah. Any nations version of that food you're on board with. Yeah.

So the dumpling you've got pierogi. Yeah. You've got dumplings. Dumplings. And that's the end of that one. Yeah. But like, you've got momos. Momos?

Yeah. What's a momo? It's a Nepalese dumpling. Lovely stuff. Yeah. What makes a momo a momo? I wish that I could have thought of any jokes or responses.

Like, anything. It wouldn't have had to be good. It would just have been like. You just need rhythm with that. Just like practice. Yeah. And then like pancakes is a big deal because you've got like doses.

Yeah. You've got injera. Yeah. You've got your crepe, your buckwheat crepe. What are the ones, what are the Ethiopian ones called? Injera.

Injera bread. Yeah. Yeah. That's the sour sponge, the sour sponge, right? Yeah. Love it. Eat the plate.

Yeah. Not enough places. Can you eat the plate? Technically you can in anywhere. Try it. You're going to give it a good go. You start eating the plate. They just have to let you get on with it.

You know those guys that eat glass? Yeah. They could have a good go on a plate. Yeah. They could. Surely they could have a good go on a plate. Yeah. Yeah.

People who eat glass, you see magicians do it. And they just, when they can't wait to freak people out. Yeah. See, they look in their eye, they go, I'm about to eat the glass again.

They go out to people at a party and they drink the wine. And then they just, in front of everyone, just take a big bite out of the glass and everyone freaks out. I do not like people who exist to provoke.

You know? Yeah. Because here's the thing, right? If you, you will go for a massage, right? Yeah. You would pay to go see comedy to me. Feel better.

There's no provocation that you'd pay for. Roller coaster. Oh, I suppose you're right. Horror film. So peppery, peppery prawn dumplings. Yeah.

And it was just such a peppery prawn dumplings. Lovely experience. From my, my neighbors. My neighbor's the dumplings. It's the captain that you can go. You can't book.

So get there early. Yeah. If you get there around 5 or 6 p.m. you might see me on my own. Don't talk to me. And took me to ugly dumplings. Ugly dumplings. Wow.

What's that? It's a dumpling place near Carnaby Street. Oh, I should go. It's really nice. Good. Yeah. Yeah.

They do dessert dumplings there as well, which I know you just said like start over dessert any day, but I feel like it's best to both worlds to dessert dumplings, you know? I agree. You get both.

The one I like is one that's filled with like almost a blueberry pie filling. And then there's a creme fraiche kind of dip for it. Very nice. James is a really good person to eat with.

Because he's one of the people I know that both of us will do the thing where you eat a plate of one thing. So it's a little plate of dumplings and they go, they were really good. Most other people I've eaten with

would be like, yeah, next time we come, we should have those. But me and James will go, we want another plate of dumplings. Yes! Yeah. Oh, 100%.

Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Why not? Do you know who's, who was amazing for that? And it like, I already loved her,

but I was like, well, I love you so much. I went to dinner with Roisin Conti and she was like, I'm a big over-orderer and I was like, so nice! And like,

if there's one thing I cannot bear, like a restaurant is a special thing and should be. Yeah. So like, don't be pastimonious when it comes to some,

you know, four pounds. Well, you know, who am I to lecture people on pastimony, do whatever you want to do. But like, go less

and eat more when you're great. Absolutely. The main course. Yeah. I feel like, because if you'll start as your favourite,

then this might be, just feel a bit of a step down. Are you calling things off? Well, it was harder to think of because I was like, well, why don't I think about,

you know, really significant meals with friends and family? And I was like, yeah, I've had them, but I couldn't like think of one thing that I was like,

and that blew my sucker. Yeah. Yeah. So, it'd be like a combination of, because I was thinking about some Christmases, it's usually like

me and a pal will cook Christmas. Mm-hmm. And with that, I like, really get to curate Christmas how I love. Yeah.

So, like, always have a module date wrapped in bacon, and the bacon is always the best quality bacon from like, the, from Borough Market

where it's like, heavy and doesn't shrink when you cook it and like, oh, crisps up. And,

so you do your, your bacon research. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not just stepping into this cult. Yeah. You're not,

you're not fucking about. Blind. Devils on horseback, I believe they're called, aren't they? Yes. Yes. Yeah. So,

what was called a, that Tim Baker's called. The coolest name for anything. Devils on horseback, that was pretty cool. Yeah. Who came up with that?

What intense person? Someone named that. Someone from ages ago. Yeah. You can have one, but you'll die of gout. Yeah. Yeah.

And you'll go to hell. Yeah. Cause that's, no, it's like X or isn't it like, you think the devil, you think the devil's full on, stick him on a horse.

Yeah. Yeah. Put the devil on a horse. I'm only being, he's got cloven hooves, he doesn't need a horse. Yeah. He doesn't need,

that's too many hooves. Confusing for the horse, having a hoofed animal on his back. Yeah. It's like when the, the mini, the mouse had a pet dog

and the only difference is who's in charge here. And the devil looked from horse to devil, from devil to horse. So you have devils in horseback. So on Christmas as well, a Christian festival,

you can keep with the devil into it. So in a way, I think, You can sanct it into your house on Christmas day. There should be, there should be for Christmas called,

not devils and horseback, Jesus on humans. Jesus on a donkey. Yeah, donkey. Jesus on feet and hooves. Jesus on a donkey would be like an apricot

dipped in bread sauce. It would be like very light. Yeah, very light. It would be like broccoli wrapped in string. I was thinking, that's just reminding me of when, in the census again,

Yoko Ono, or like the Yoko Ono version of when they were all in a fake band, asked for a drink in Mo's and she asked for a, a single pair suspended in alcohol. That's my drink. No, it's not.

Can't wait to make it. So I think I'd have a really nice Christmas dinner, I think, because you, I like a three bird roast. Oh. Oh, it's a murder.

What are your birds? Oh, oh, well, oh, here's another thing. Yeah. I love game and I love rabbit. Yeah. And I'm sorry, because I try,

before I got pregnant, I was going down to eat meat once a week and I felt like I was getting there and I've managed to like mostly cut out dairy and cream cheese and stuff, but I got pregnant

and then I was just like, I need meat and I must have meat. You've got to eat what your body craves when there's another body in your body. I believe that's the doctors. Yeah.

Especially if you're having a bird in a bird in a bird, are you got a body in a body? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's the only meal that you should be having.

Yeah. Yeah. And there's that summa that's got an orange that's got an orange in it. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody has to be

in something. Yeah. That's why devil's on horseback. The hoof on the hoof. A Scotch egg. Who doesn't love a Scotch egg? Yeah. I do love a Scotch egg,

especially, a Scotch egg hot, like deep fried with the runny yolk. It's hard to ever have another Scotch egg again. My mouth just watered.

Yeah. It's so good. It's the absolute best when they deep fry them and then they cut it in half and the yolk's that, you know, that perfect like ramen

yolk. Like custard, the sort of almost custardy like. Yeah. Oh, I could change my meal. I'll take my second back up in a minute.

But I just remembered I did some gigs in Fukuoka in Japan and after the gig and it was just like, I spent 24 hours in this town and the guy who booked him was this guy called Oli

who's like the nicest man and he basically gave me a dream day. Yeah. You know, sometimes when a promoter just, they just look after you so well that you look back

at it and you're like, I had a week's holiday. So he kind of like put me in a capsule hotel and took me up to karaoke and it was just like everything I could ever want. Everything you wanted

to sort of a checklist for Japan. Yeah. It was just like, we're going to make this for you and he took us out for Tonkotsu Ramen which there's a chain,

small chain in London called Tonkotsu that makes this one type of ramen. And it's nice, but oh my God, it was like, it was the most

incredible, unctuous thing and I ate the gluten noodles and I knew it was going to hurt me. I was just eating it and the noodles were handmade like in front of everyone

and the broth was like three day old pork broth that was like creamy but there was no cream in it and it had the perfect egg. The perfect egg. And then like this pork that was kind of crumbly

but not so crumbly is that you don't enjoy the texture. Oh my gosh. Always order extra egg in a ramen. Oh yeah. That's what I do sometimes because they always give you

that one half egg and I'll at least get another half egg. Yeah. Probably two. Yeah. We've got one and a half eggs in there.

Just amyonet. Shout out to amyonet. Yeah. She's the first sort of first sort ordered extra egg in a ramen and I thought, why have I not been living

like this? That's like a true life hack when you see someone. It's like when you're like in a burger place and somebody goes, oh, can you put an extra piece of cheese in?

You're like, I'm allowed to live like that? Yeah. I didn't think that was impossible. You haven't named your birds yet. Oh.

Oh, well. Okay. Hate to pick your ones. So it might be that ramen is in the running now for the main. Okay. The birds will be like goose,

um, partridge or pheasant and maybe turkey for appearances or maybe duck. Or maybe duck. So could you want to get a light bird in there?

Yeah. But you want to get some game in there. Yeah, sure. Maybe I'll have a fight bird roast. Why not? Let the carnage

I'm impressed. I thought you were about to do a Paddy McGinnis. Uh, let the carnage see the fun. Yeah. Let the carnage see

the fun. Let the carnage see mum's appetite. Yeah. But there was another content about it. Over my mixed feelings about it,

which is I feel very brutal about it. And it really confronted me about my meat eating and did basically stop me eating meat for a while, but then the baby

and now I need to work out a way to maybe only eat meat every couple of months, but really make sure it's good and you know, all that shit. Is it live dog?

My mum's dog. Yeah, your mum's dog. Great. I could see why that would make you confront your meat eating. I think I would not eat

my mum's dog because she feeds it. Shit. She feeds her dog treats all day and all night and she feeds it pizza. That poor dog.

It's about four years old. He just wheezes around. Don't get any and he knows that. No. Walking around and he's like, I'm full of shit.

That was gonna eat me. So it was, I did this bear grills. They dropped me on an island. Yes. Yeah. And it was like a charity thing and basically

I felt really like no one could touch me. Like, I would give decadence people from a very rich society going, oh, what if we didn't

have enough food? Yeah. You know, but it was for charity. I didn't get paid. I was making money. I was like, this is not gonna be

an ethical problem. I feel like it's something for the good of people. And then we had to hunt and I was like, oh, I don't know how I feel about this.

And then we killed a crocodile and ate it. Oh. And it just was like, it weighed on me so heavily. I couldn't bear to do it. I couldn't bear to watch it. I just went around

and started crying. I felt awful. It felt too much. And a lot of the chat is like, oh, if you ever killed an animal and ate it, it would be easier in a way

because it would be sort of accepting what it was. But it was so horrible. Yeah. But I swear to God, it was outright the best thing I've ever eaten in my life. Right, right.

It was incredible. It was the most wonderful meal I've ever had. And it was partly because we haven't eaten for two weeks, but like, we cooked it on the fire and it was just that.

Yeah, yeah. It was so fresh and so beautiful. Yeah. And like, so in some ways it was like, well, that thing that died was the most honored

and respected thing I've ever encountered. Because it was like, we were so grateful. It was so delicious. We ate everything. We couldn't believe it. Like,

feasted on it. But at the same time, I'm like, the whole thing was an artificial experiment. It's ridiculous. I shouldn't have done it. And of course,

there's probably other ways you could honor and respect the crocodile. Make it a hat. Make it a hat. Give it a little kiss. Yeah, exactly. Like,

don't mention the award. Honour and respect, you don't, Judy Dutch. Please step over to this open flame. And we'll eat all of you. We're going to eat all of you

and we're going to eat all the bits. We're not going to waste a bit. We're going to eat the anus. Poor fish at the same time. Oh, that was more disgusting than I thought it would be. I was just quite an individual joke.

It did come off the back of me saying we'd eat Judy Dutch's anus. Yeah, that was the thing. I had that in my head that I was going to say it. And then you said that and then you said,

didn't think about what I was following up. But I want to eat a crocodile now. Benito, get my kayak, Benito. I don't kill myself

a crocodile. Dude, I don't like the royal family. I wish they would all retire, but I do love to do dents. She's like my queen. And yet,

I must eat her. You must eat her. It's a truly honor and respect, sir. Unlucky dents. So, you have three options seem to be

ramen that you had in Japan, crocodile that you murdered on the island. I didn't murder. I was complicit in its murder and I do. You watched the murder like a little freak.

And a bird with a bird with a bird that you would have on Christmas. Do you know, I think I'm going to go Christmas carnage because it's seasonal

and it's such a lovely, it's quite intense of time. And it's something that sort of, you know, when I was kind of growing up, I didn't really spend it

with family so much. I spent it with friends more and that can be quite sad and weird or whatever and complicated for the people and stuff.

But actually, what it means is quite often you just have a wonderful time with your friends and you cook exactly as you love and it's like such a lovely thing. So,

we'll do that. Yeah, Christmas dinner. Christmas carnage as you know. We have three best friends. Pigs in blankets. Devils on horseback. Cauliflower cheese.

Cauliflower cheese. Cauliflower cheese. Stuffing. Two kinds. We are not fucking around. Roast potatoes. Sprouts. A fucking million sprouts.

How are you doing your sprouts? Well, sometimes just a plain boiled little bit of butter. Other times, boiled and then fried with lardons and chestnuts. Oh, yeah.

I know what I'm going for. Yeah. I'll tell you how. I mean, I've talked about sprouts on the podcast before. The Nigel Slater version, which is roast them.

So, cut them in half, olive oil, salt and pepper. Stick them into roast for half an hour. About 15 minutes later, you put bits of bacon in,

like lardons. Five minutes before the end, pine nuts. Throw those in. So, you've got bacon, roast it, and you leave on all the outer leaves

and they go really crispy. And then, the grated parmesan on the top. Oh, wow. Phenomenal. Does that sound good, actually? But it would become for me.

I'd have to do that as well as what I already do. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that sounds like a good Christmas dinner, because you've cut out any of the weird bits

that people put in that they feel like they have something like this. Like what? 100% deliciousness. Even just like a boiled carrot or something, where you're like,

okay, well I need to eat a bit of this with Christmas dinner. Yeah, I better eat a vegetable. Yeah, I better eat something. Oh,

I forgot the best, the most glorious element of the Christmas dinner, roast parsnips. Yes. But roasted in animal fat, I'm sorry, roasted in animal fat.

Crocodile fat. Yeah. I kept myself a flask. You've got big flasks. I'll never respect you, crocodile. Merry Christmas. Well,

that sounds delicious. Thank you. That sounds like a very good Christmas dinner. Now, you have to choose a side dish as well. You've got a lot of side dishes

in there anyway. Yeah, I'd have the devils on horseback. Devils on horseback. Extra. I think that counts as a side because that's like a big, that's a big old one.

To drink. Oh, I found this really difficult, and do you know what I was thinking? It's because I have this idea of when you have a cocktail.

Yeah. And the idea of when you have a cocktail is so much nicer than any cocktail I've ever had. Sure. Do you know what I mean? I totally know what you mean. I'm always like,

oh my God, we'll go for cocktails. Yeah, yeah. But it feels like an event, and you always imagine, I imagine myself drinking a cocktail, like I'm watching myself from

outside my own body, and I'm like, that guy is so sophisticated. Yes. Yeah. Look at him, he's like, he's from Mad Men,

and the cocktail's brown, and he's sat in the past. Yes, and I think there's like two or three types of cocktails, and one of them is like that. Yeah. Like the sort of

50s martini, sippy, bitter, and I think to myself, I'll have that be sophisticated. Yeah. I try and have it, and it's like, I can drink about

three millilitres at a time, and I'm like, oh, I'm so thirsty. Oh, like a fruity cocktail, and you're like, oh, so refreshing,

and delightful, and like full of different notes of flavor, you know, or have like lychee, and rose water, and then it's just, it's just never right,

you know? Too sweet a lot of the time. Ah, yes. Mega sweet. Or just two one note or two many notes. Like, I just can't.

Not enough notes. So it's like, what I want is a cocktail, and I want that person to like look into my mind. Yes. See what I want, and give it to me

without even me knowing. Like, there's a guy called Felix, and he runs a bar that used to be a pop-up bar, and now it's a real bar, and it's called Every Cloud, and he's a cocktail waiter,

and he is amazing. Yeah. It's the best cocktail I've ever had. So get him to do it. But, I don't know enough what I want.

You don't know? Yeah, I'm the same in that I know what I like, but I'd have to drink it to know it properly. Yes. And I can't articulate

myself to be like, a bit smoky, I like it a bit smoky. Yeah. I just want to feel like I'm in Mad Men. But I don't want to feel like the sadness

of Mad Men. No, I want to feel like cool Mad Men. I want to feel like Don Draper for the first couple of episodes.

Yeah, yeah. Don Draper. Yeah, not season six. Oh, man, I've never seen Mad Men. Oh, it's really good.

I haven't seen the last season. I don't really like to jump on this riff, but I... What you should do is jump in with something you have seen. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, like your 70s Sam. What I want is a 10-gallon hat. Oh, yeah,

I should have just gone. I, I love a Rob Roy. What's that? It's a whiskey cocktail with bitters. And

I love it because the first time I drank it, it was how I imagined whiskey to taste before I drank whiskey. So when you see someone drinking whiskey

and you think, oh, but that's really like, just delicious and a bit sweeter than it is. And then you have whiskey for the first time,

you're like, why would anyone do that? No, I like whiskey. And it's like, but like, yeah, a Rob Roy tastes

like how I imagined it to taste like a, like sweeter, better drinkin' whiskey. I really like it. But then, as the worst is it, it's quite easy to make yourself

and when I learn how to make it myself and I'd been bought some vermouth and some bitters for Christmas. Oh, no. Also, the mixer is loose. It's like a negroni.

The mixers are all boost. Yeah. That is deadly because you're like, delicious cocktail, dead. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah. A martini is the one I can guarantee, like, I do like a martini before a meal.

That's lovely. Love it. So you're not having a cocktail, Phil? Look, I'm saying the barman needs to make me what I want. Right, okay. You would like the barman's choice. Yeah. We can put that down.

We can put down barman's choice cocktail. Oh no, it's a sock full of eggs. Yeah, the barman's man. These are more devils on horseback. Oh, I know that. He just glasses the mountain water. Yeah, he just plends them up full. Kiz and Martini I had once.

So you know, a dirty Martini, like with an olive, but they put some of the olive juice in. Yes, lovely. Right, really nice. I had a dirty Oyster Martini. So instead of the olive, it was an Oyster thing. It's better not be what I think it is.

It's better not be what I think it is. With some of the water from the Oyster juice poured in. And just 50 pearls. Was it nice? Yeah. No, it wasn't. It was the most extra thing I've ever had in my life. I've never had it again.

It's not like I've gone to any other bar and gone, you got any Oysters back there. I've been on a dirty Oyster Martini, but this was in Bob Bob Ricard. I don't know if you've been there, which is like, Very fun. Deliberately over the top stupid restaurant. Is that like Duck Duck Goose?

Yeah, it's exactly like Duck Duck Goose. Yeah, every three tables have to run around the room. Ricard! It's Duck Duck Goose restaurant. It's what it looks like. There's a button that says press for champagne. It's very silly. Yeah, it's just...

Yeah, it's really silly. Wow. And do the people then bring you the champagne or do you press the button and it comes out the wall? It is like one of those joke buzzers. Yeah, that's what I imagined. I went there with my dad and we were like, Oh, we've got to press it.

And the guy came over and he was like, Hello, so do you want some champagne? Or because people just press that button. No, we would. And he was like, what sort of champagne do you want? So basically you just get the waiter over there. He asked what champagne you want. And then if you want more, you press the button

and they bring you more of that. So you have to set up the system. I see. That's all right. That's something the sheen has gone for me. Yeah, yeah. It's basically there for people to take pictures of and put on Instagram, I think.

I prefer if it was one of those wide taps where it comes out like a little mini waterfall. Oh, lovely. I'd like that in the wall and it's champagne and you just press the button and it just pours out like that and you get to hold your glass there. Yeah, I'm not sure that's a good business practice.

Do you remember the first time you saw a tap like that in somebody's house? Yeah. Absolutely astonishing. Just having a negotiation, how do you use this? Some of them are really hard. Some taps, some taps are like a little joystick at the top.

Well, taps and showers in other people's houses are a nightmare. Oh, showers in other people's, why bother? How do people shower? The people who aren't me, how do they shower? Do you know, I still miss one, two, three rental properties ago. I had the best shower of my life

and I think of it every day. The precious one. What kind of shower was it? It was an above bath. Can you believe that would be the best? It's just an above bath, flip the switch. The fresh of the heat. So just so, it wasn't a big like dump, the rain dump.

No, hate those. The rain dumper? Yeah, hate those. Rain for us showers. What are they called? Rain for us showers. Rain for us showers. Rain dumpers.

The first time I had one of them, it was like my first time I used that wide tap. I thought it was amazing. All your comparisons have to be within the bathroom sphere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't believe it. But you don't like them.

No, because you need to be able to take the shower head. Like wash your bits. It's not a big deal. I'm a woman. You've got to wash your bits. Yeah, that's fair play. I've never washed them. I've never washed my bits before.

Yeah. Do a handstand. I can't wash my bits. Do a handstand. You've got to wash. You're up in the rain for us. Your bits, pits and tits. That's the name of your restaurant, isn't it?

Bits, pits and tits. What's on the menu? Crocodile? Nothing else? Um, right. So you would like Barman's Choice cocktail? Yes, please. Ah, no problem.

Even, do you even know the spirit base that you'd want? Oh, sometimes they ask you that, yeah. Uh, I would, it wouldn't be whisky. It wouldn't be vodka. Well, you've liked whisky in the past. I've known you've loved whisky. Yeah, I do love whisky on its own. And I love like a little flask of whisky.

If you're outside overnight, let's say camping, a flask of whisky, most wonderful thing. Especially if you're sending young lads in to do outside swimming. They need a bit of whisky. Yeah. Absolutely. A dram.

Yeah, you need a dram if you're going to freeze. I was driving that sock, didn't I? A reviving dram. Yeah. Oh, yeah, uh, so it might be, I think it'll probably be gin or tequila. But like a really nice... And good tequila.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So light. We got lost after that swim as well. We got lost in the woods. Remember that? No, that was on, I don't know, it was afterwards. It was really scary. Like the one with the sails, yeah.

And then, with that map. I mean, admittedly, our map was a tourist map that just had a picture of the theatre roughly on the plate. But our map took us the wrong way. And we had to stop because two stags walked into the range. Remember that? And it was out Sunday. It was so...

It was such an image. Yeah. It was our first gig of the tour. And we thought we were not going to get there. Because when we went swimming with sails, they got lost in the woods. I had to climb a tree and look above the tree like... You did!

To see where our car was. Like we were proper... I thought, I thought we're going to be sleeping in these woods. Because this tour's not happening. Two stags. And also, it set such a precedent that was never quite... There was a time when me and Johnny

nearly got hypothermia in the middle of a lake in the Peak District. Oh, God. But apart from that, like, the drama level was like... We crashed in car, Josie. I mean, it's a very dramatic car. To be completely the same to us, Josie, the same to us. There was a... Yeah, same tour.

Oh, boy. We had a very dramatic car crash. It was a very dramatic tour. We both spoke about it on the Mall. Yeah, we did. Everyone knows about the car crash. What a bust. I forgot about that because I was like,

couldn't have bested the drama of a stag. Two stags. Well, that was about the height of the tour. And we nearly died. I forgot about that. And we nearly died. What a bust you are. Listen to me.

Speaking of death, we come to dessert. The death of the meal. The death of the meal. Which one is though, then? You said, so you said start to open a dessert at any time, but are you a dessert fan? Yeah. Yes, I am.

But historically, I've tried to not eat as much desserts due to being technically insulin resistant. But it doesn't really... We does, obviously, it's real, but like... Yeah, but I've got insulin in a pen. So there's no worries here. I'm not a little bi-mode. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a bi-mode that you film with insulin? Yeah. Yeah, so I could... Huh? It's all tough, yeah. My body, I think, is just a bit... It just doesn't quite... It just doesn't quite pedal properly, so I should avoid it. But what it means is, quite often, I'm like,

go for the cheese, which... See, but this is the first time someone has said that on this podcast, and I am completely with you. If you've had a big meal, I don't necessarily want... No, it's so intense. ...sweet and rich at the end. No. So I will, after, James is so angry,

but I will often go for the cheese, and I completely agree with you. It's delicious, and also, the cheese is such a sharing thing. You'll have, like, little figs and grapes and different types of thing, and you can give people a little bit, and you can share. But I was thinking about the most delicious dessert I've ever had. But it's a bit weird for me, because the name of it,

I think it's, like, a bit offensive? I don't know. It's from my childhood in Kent, which, you know, that in itself... I can only imagine what this is going to be. No, it's not. I mean, I think it is a word that people use, but I also think it's sometimes a word that people don't like being referred to as themselves,

but I think there's TV shows with the word, and some people might be doing, so it's called Gypsy Tart. OK. So I don't think it is, but, like... But I think, like, I was thinking about it, and I was like, I hope the word isn't an offensive word. I don't fully... I don't think I fully appreciate the discourse around that word.

But... I think you sound like somebody who doesn't want to offend anyone. Yeah, that's my main... And famously, the world of puddings is one of the last culinary bastions to become woke. Yeah, yeah, true. Such a decadent world. I think you built that up.

I was really worried about what you were going to say. Yeah, yeah. I think maybe I've been worried too much. Oh, here we go. As if I'd be like, guys, here's my new edgy direction. No, and it's called Gypsy Tart, and what it was, was, like, a shot... We used to have it in primary school, and I yearned for it.

It's like a shop-bought pastry... Base? Base. Yeah. I was looking at you like, please help me. And inside it's got, like, this... It's like between a meringue and treacle, and it's brown, and it's airy, and it's kind of...

It's just delicious brown sugary gunk. I think I know what you mean. I think I know what you mean as well. Whipped, yes. Oh, whipped. Oh, maybe I don't know. It's got a treacle-y edge to it, but it's not... Is it butterscotch-y?

Is it sort of... A little. Or more treacle-y, a little bit of a bitterscotch. I'm thinking of what it's called, like butter tart, or something, or like a... Is there a thing called butter tart? Am I going correct, as a wish-maker? Do they like being called butter?

I'm going to. I don't know. Right. I think it's like butter tart. Yeah, no, definitely I'm thinking of butter tart that's... That's a normie line. Am I safe to Google Gypsy tart? Oh, God, I suddenly realised that there could be some awful things.

Yeah, put safe-search on it. Oh, no, it's why I've not had this. If this is what you mean, this looks like what you've just described. Hang on, I want to have a... And also, Sainsbury's do one. Oh! No, it's a recipe, though. Sainsbury's do the recipe, but they're still calling it that.

Evaporate milk and sugar, yeah. Yeah. It originates from the county of Kent. Yeah, that's good. It originates from the county of Kent. All my life I've been like, from Kent is shit, there's nothing there. Now I can say Gypsy tart.

People will say, the word is problematic. Oh, yes, no. Evaporated milk. Muscovado sugar. Though some varieties include light brown sugar and pastry. There's your ingredients. Is that it? Yeah.

Apparently, bam, bam, bam. Oh, I just can't tell you how gorgeous it is. It does sound good. Associated with school dinners. It was! My story checks out. That's crazy. I thought you...

I was sitting there going, I can't believe she's made a bit of a dessert. Yeah, just so she can get some of her views out. She just made one up, just so she can say the G word. But now we're looking at Wikipedia and she's gone into the trouble of making a Wikipedia page. I was just about to say, don't look at the editor. Edited by Josie Long 20 minutes ago.

Hang on, we were talking 20 minutes ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah, kayak, kayak, kayak, tap, tap, tap. Would you have anything with the tart? Is that ice cream or cream or...? Oh, wow. I suppose it's quite a dairy-based tart anyway, isn't it? It's quite rich. But yeah, perhaps a little spread.

Oh, do you know what I'd have... If we're going to go there, I'd have squirty cream. Why not? When did everyone last have squirty cream? Not recently enough. Now, when you mined squirty cream just then, you mined squirting it directly into your mouth. Yeah.

Are you that sort of person? Yeah, with it, I... Actually, so me and my friend Tasha, when we were about 16, 17, she had a part-time job in Sainsbury's on the fish counter, which led to her becoming a qualified butcher and fishmonger. But that's not what she does for a living now. But it's nice to have those girls in your back pocket.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what we used to do is I used to meet her at the Tesco's in Penge after she finished her shift, and we would both buy a can of squirty cream, and then we would have a duel, where we'd like walk five faces on this for each other and have a big fight. I love it.

And we did it about once a week for about six months. It was brilliant. And we'd use up a whole can, and yeah, you'd obviously eat it too. But it meant that one of my favourite coats was really cheesy. Yeah, and that's the one you've just found under the bed. Yeah, yeah. The cheesy old coat. Yes, as I say, six years ago, when I was 16.

So let's go through your meal. I'll just read it back to you so you can confirm this is your order before I go and tell the kitchen. We ordered the whole meal before you have it, I think. So you would like some sparkly water? Yes. You would like some bread? And you said you wanted this Samadet dough bread?

Yes, from St John's. With a bit of salt and butter on it, from? From St John's. St John's. A starter, you would like dumplings, prawn dumplings from? My name is the dumplings. My name is the dumplings. Maine, you're like a Christmas carnage for your bird roast.

Side dish, devils on horseback? Of course. For your drink, you're like the barman's choice, cocktail, but you would like tequila or gin? Do you know I'm going to go gin because already the variety we've already had is making me feel a little nauseous. Oh yeah, that's the gin. And for dessert, you would like the gypsy tart? With?

With squirty cream. That sounds incredible. Yeah, it's a little good meal. But when we bring you the gypsy tart, we will bring a can of squirty cream on the side, and the waiter will also have a can, and you can dual free dessert. I remember I'm the waiter. I mean, press a button if you want me to come over and have a dual. It's a little button.

Press here for dual. Press here for a dual. When I come over, I'm like, right. What's funny about that is it would be a really fun gimmick if somebody brought you out a can of squirty cream to your table. Yeah, totally. It would be expensive for the restaurant, but it would. You'd have to get your own made for the restaurant.

So it looked like you couldn't just be like there from the shops. It would have to be like our squirty cream. Yeah, like a posh hipstery can of squirty cream. Yeah, that would be good. I mean, I can't really see us doing this podcast and then not opening a restaurant. A pop-up restaurant, yeah. I think we're going to have a restaurant, and that would be one of the things that will happen. Well also, same when you've done 10, you could pick five of your favorite dishes.

Yeah. Do that at the pop-up restaurant. I think the whole menu should just be all from the podcast. Yeah, it's really good. That meal sounds delicious. Thanks, guys. I hope you enjoyed it. It's been a real pleasure.

Oh, no worries, boss. See you again. Thank you very much, Josie. Josie Long, everyone. Dan Appetito. That's what I'm going to say at the end now. That's good. I like that.

Dan Appetito. That was Josie Long, a wonderful guest. What a great guest. What a great order. Yeah, lovely meal. And, crucially, no mention of bay leaves. Congratulations, Josie. Josie.

Josie, that's her. For the listener, I should say that I've just started wearing braces. Not even a joke. I know it's hard to know what about me is real and what isn't. Yeah. I'm a genie waiter, and now I wear braces. Yeah. You are wearing braces.

You're not a genie. Yeah. That's why I said Josie. Josie. In case you've just tuned in now for whatever reason, we haven't just interviewed the dinosaur from Mario Kart. No. No.

No. Although one day, good guess that would be. That would be an amazing guess. Great guess. No, that was Josie Long. And she had a wonderful meal. I didn't mention the secret ingredients, bay leaves. Although, I think maybe you would use bay leaves in the cooking of the Christmas dinner,

maybe. Yeah. So lucky that she didn't mention that. It wasn't a crucial element. Getting to specifics. Yeah. Josie, she didn't get into specifics. I say, I say.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everyone, especially from Josie. If you like the work of Josie Long, she has made a short film. Called Super November. And it will be touring cinemas and available online soon. So keep an eye out for that, please. In terms of me, Ed Gamble, I'll be touring around the country with my stand-up comedy. Blizzard.

And show Blizzard. That's what I should. I should walk out to that. If you'd record that for me. Just recorded it. Yeah. Perfect. Ladies and gentlemen, please order to stage Ed Gamble.

Perfect. So that's all over the country. I've started already, if you're listening to this now, which you are. It's impossible to not listen to this now. But I have started already. So go on my website, edgamble.co.uk and check out where I am near you and bloody cum. Well, look, see what he's doing. I'm touring a show called Cold as Anya Haint Myself 1999.

Mumba Mia. Mumba Mia. Also, on Dave, Hypothetical, a new show that myself and Josh Woodard have been hosting. Please watch that. You can follow us on Twitter. At Off Menu Official and... On the Gram. On the Gram.

On the Gram, Instagram, Off Menu Official as well. Please like and subscribe this podcast. I'm saying like. I don't even know what you do. That's more YouTube videos. Just as long as you subscribe, write a good old review. Write a nice review. Five stars.

Five stars. Don't be stingy. Come on. You're not a real reviewer. Just give it five stars. Tell your friends about it. Keep listening. Loads more brilliant guests coming up.

But for now... Don't know. Don't know. Don't know. See you next week. Hello. It's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu,

where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato. And our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case. Get him.

Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. So you want to spoil it in case? Get him on James and Ed. But we're here sneaking into your podcast experience

to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the north, because look, we're two Northerners. Sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny.

Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. get me mum on. Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's not the news. When's it out Ian? It's already out now Amy! Is it? Yeah get listening there's probably a backlog you've left it so late.