Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 135: Tom Davis

Episode Date: February 9, 2022

Big Tom Davis – star of Channel 4’s new crime comedy ‘The Curse’ and officially The David Blaine of Science – joins us for his dream meal this week. And there’s an actual experiment in the studio. Tom Davis stars in ‘The Curse’ which is on Sundays at 10pm on Channel 4. All episodes are available to stream on All 4. Listen to Tom’s podcast ‘Wolf and Owl’ on Acast or wherever you get your podcasts. Follow Tom on Twitter @BigTomD and Instagram @MrBigTomD. Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. That's the intro. What? Take in the butter of conversation. No. Spread it in over the bread of comedy. Put it in in the toaster of the internet. Yeah. What the hell are you making? I guess we're breaking the toaster. Just like we broke the internet. Just like make it melt. I love it. I was thinking about doing a toast and sandwich, but I couldn't remember if I'd

done that before or not. Because that's where I thought you were going. Imagine if you were going in the exact direction I was thinking about. It would have been quite scary. But luckily, no, you were spreading on the butter to bread and then putting that in the toaster. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty tired boys, aren't we? Yeah. I guess we were mostly pretty tired. We got up pretty early to interview someone who cancelled on us. And now we've been here all day. We had another four days of recording after that. So, yeah, pretty tired boys. But, you know, it's the Off Menu podcast. We own

a dream restaurant. Ed Gable's the major D over there. I myself am a Jeannie waiter. And we invite in a guest and we ask them their favorite ever start on main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is Tom Davis. Tom Davis, comedian, actor, writer. Very prolific, James. Very prolific, always funny. Can't wait to have him on the podcast. Very prolific, always terrific. What? Oh, yeah. I love that. Yeah. He is extremely funny. Most things he says makes me laugh.

Yeah. He's extremely funny. He is in a new show called The Curse on Channel 4, an 80s crime comedy. You're talking my language, man. I'm very excited to watch it. You love crime comedy, don't you? I love crime comedy. You always say that. Yeah. I always say that. I love crime comedy. You should tell Tom that.

I'll tell him. I'll tell him that I love crime comedy. You mark my words. I'll do it. Okay. But it's him and the guys from People Just Do Nothing. Which I love as well. Yeah. And Emma Kenney is in it as well. Oh, man. Are you kidding me? This whole thing is like fall to the brim of talent. Indeed. I'm very much looking forward to watching it, but not as much as I'm looking forward to hearing Tom's dream menu.

But all that aside, if Tom picks an ingredient that we have pre-established, that we don't like, we will kick him out of the dream restaurant. And when we say we, Benito said he'll handle it. Yeah. He said he'll handle it himself. He can take him because a lot of you don't know what Benito looks like. Benito, six foot nine. Yeah. He's humongous. Big old guns. And a lizard's tongue.

A lizard's tongue. Imagine that. So he will kick out Big Tom Davis if he says the secret ingredient. And this week, the secret ingredient is Jack Daniels. We promised it. We said Southern Comfort a couple of weeks ago. Jack Daniels, just as bad, gets talked about with more reverence as well. At least Southern Comfort is like, you know, just like accepted as being like kind of blur. Jack Daniels gets talked about like it's the King of Whiskeys.

And it really, really isn't. No, terrible. Be able to put Coke with it. It's not nice. It's supposed to be rock and rolls. Disgusting. It's a weird square bottle. I hate it. Yeah. I would actually respect it more if they just really leaned into just have it with Coke. Yeah.

Because they do lean into it a bit. You get it in cans of Coke off it. But like, just go, it should just be, just have it with Coke. Then I'm like, okay, cool. This is just a whiskey, that I can have with Coca-Cola. If I want a whiskey and Coke, this is the one to have. I don't need to get too precious about it. No need to ruin a good whiskey.

But it's all the long silicon, silicon and silicon. Silicon. Gordon Bennett, Jack Daniels. Gordon Bennett is the British Jack Daniels. I'd say Jack Daniels, the booze that I've most poured down the sink. Yeah. After a party. Someone will bring a bottle of Jack Daniels or I'll just have a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'm like right

I'm clearing all the booze out. Yeah, or I'm moving and I'm not taking that Jack Daniels That's going straight down the sink big old square bottle down the sink. Yep. Sorry, but you know, I repeat a lemmy Lemmy. Yeah. Yeah, sorry. Lemmy's a comedian. Lemmy's alive. He's alive. Do you really give everyone a real shock there? Sorry everybody. Let me we're talking about me. Lemmy is alive and he's tea total. Yeah, you couldn't have got that more wrong Yeah, but let me for motorhead I messed a piece to him But before we get to Tom Davis's menu, of course, let's not forget that I'm on tour Everyone my show is called electric. It is on tour right now

Go to edgambel.co.uk for tickets. I'm loving it so far Why don't you come and love it with me? But now this is the off menu menu of Tom Davis Welcome Tom to the dream restaurant. Wow. I'm so honored to be here Welcome Tom Davis to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. I've had a reservation here for quite a long time Yeah, I'm so happy just to be sitting here. Yeah looking at you, too. It's just a joy now the genie entrance there I mean, I've seen the genie entrance. Maybe 140 times. Yeah, it's the only time I've ever heard it trail off It's just bang we're in and there was a little whisper at the end there. I don't know if you noticed floating down I am I melted a bit when I saw that

You know like so you can get indulged with pyrotechnics and all the craziness Sometimes it's just a cast of just doing it felt like magic. Yeah. Yeah. It's everything I dreamed it would be a little touch more It was yeah, I thought take your time today, you know, yeah take your time you a big Tom Davis We know we're in good hands. I feel like take your time. Everyone's in good hands. It's like we're all holding each other's hands We're going yeah, what we I think we might have this. Yeah It might be okay. I mean at the end of the episode someone goes that was fucking terrible. They all got very arrogant at the top of it Oh, yeah, some people the best criticism I heard about this podcast when I can't remember what episode it was But it's when I was still on social media. Yeah, and someone said

I heard your episode with whoever the guest was that they like the sound of their own voice Sess with food I'm just the show that a new show went out last night and it's just That mad thing of like such nice positives, but then you just get the negative which just yeah And I made the mistake at this morning for like 4 30 this morning waking up with my daughter and doing a sort of night feed And I cherished moment and then I looked on twitter and I just sort of sat there just with tears of mine just thinking Okay, that guy from Barnsley We really should have worked a little bit harder. What can I done?

Like it's really sad because like as a comedian there's all certainly myself I always find that thing like there's a massive part of me that just wants to be liked For someone who's sort of bullied at school or whatever and like sort of pathetic need to sort of like, you know Like everyone at school the nerds the jocks walking around going. Oh, you're just like me. I have nothing in common I'm not clever. I'm not good at sport But just like something about me and that's sort of like transcended into what I do now So as soon as I get any negativity, I'm like sort of oh god like move us into his house Not to the door. I'm like, hey mate, are you all right? Look, I'm actually all right

It's that thing of no matter how many people tell you but look at all of these good comments people people love it There's like a hundred good comments for every one negative. You're like, no, but one negative comment is worth a hundred comments always a guy Who's got very gray looking sort of human being who's usually got sort of quite sort of like Far right leaning sort of used in the world Yeah, and it's sort of which usually I think actually he'd probably quite like me Yeah, he's really gotta hate actually what you're doing what you're putting out there Yeah

Loathe creatively. Yeah, some people I love that To overlook the fact you're a big white bloke Can't even can't even take that into account what he's producing is awful. How dirty the shit he's putting out But you know, don't don't listen to that one guy, uh, tom, you know, it's it's I try and sort of move on I'll try and get on for the curse You're referring to the curse. Yes, the curse show the curse the name of the show not that's not the curse of the comedian to look for The bad comment. Yeah, that's his Yeah, no, the curse channel for I'm looking forward to I genuinely I'm gonna watch it. I'm just saying it just to uh, I love

crime comedy As a genre. Yes, not where I thought you were going with that Say the light that you like all the people in it I Love people just doing nothing. So I know those guys are in it. It's uh, yeah, I think it's yeah, it's fun It's sort of weird one because it's Being like four or five years of writing it. Yeah, it's a sort of now of it out there It's I always find it so nerve-wracking that sort of the day before the day it goes out and then you just waiting for reviews

But yeah, it seems it seems people like it people enjoy it I did the other thing I've been getting because I think like doing king gary was such a sort of personal piece All of a sudden I've had quite a lot of people going why don't you just not like just do the king gary character You know, we're character actors. That's like we've quite fucking lazy, wouldn't it if I just sort of shrugged out Everything I did now is gary king because it's sort of slightly So, yeah, but it's been a real yeah labor of love. I'm really proud of it as a show And I hope yeah, I hope people enjoy apart from that one guy and barnsley. He's really well that's that's I mean Let's not hang around on that guy

He's only listening to this going I want I didn't or he's listening to a guy and it was only a joke He loves this podcast It's weird isn't it people come up to you and go what why don't you just do that? Yeah, yeah, because if you did do the same character, is it fair to say people would go why don't you just do something different? You just did the same thing It's yeah, it'd be a real mix of uh, yeah, I mean, you're down if you do you're down if you don't and that's just life What you should do is just have a podcast. No one ever says that to us. No, no, no, no never goes Wait, yeah, why are we I do that's quite so I have a podcast. It's

I listen to it I don't listen to podcasts now What would you? I was the biggest one in the world Who's told you that? If you're playing for one of the biggest football teams in the world, you're not looking below you You're not going what's going on in the conference. I'm watching the local clubs. I'm not going to read bridge. You're doing well I just run a premier league Forget it. You have a great podcast with romesh

Called wolf and owl. Yes, which I hadn't heard up until like three months ago and then I put on an episode I was like, I really like this and then I listened to all of it about three days Amazing. So you were living in my head for about three days. That's where I've that's the only place Who's the wolf and who's the owl? Well, guess I'm the wolf strong leader. Romesh is the bookish owl Yeah, yeah, he demanded upon that name. But yeah, he said yeah, it's a lot of fun But everyone who writes in with an email they they have their own sort of animal nickname. Yeah, that's that's only to come with If I'm honest, we we're recording like just for our own amusement for about we did about 30 pilots We're just pissing about and we just thought none of them were any good

So then we just I think called it a name that no one would if it was ship associated with either of us We should have really called it the tomm and rom show or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, really lame Yeah, and then this animal pack things growing and people seem to sort of call themselves like a crocodile or do you want to give us some animal names? I think um, the leopard is interesting. You're loyal and you never charge your spots. Oh, okay Oh, I like it. I'd have thought I'd got the meerkat or something A bit more like a meerkat off the worm the little worm. Yeah, the little worm. I'd go with the rhino. Oh, yeah, I'm happy with that. Yeah Strong. This is horny. Yeah Because I'm horny. Yeah, and grey. Yeah, quite grey

Back to the going grey. I don't look well. Yeah, that's quite ill with both of them. But I'm horny as hell Just just as you find out you've got a really bad skin deep end. That's why good I saw a gamble in in February. I saw him again in april. He was actually completely gray completely gray But still had an absolute rod on I know I knew a guy actually. This is a weird story. I'm putting your card But um, um, well, it won't it won't it'll start with us We convinced like he uh, he basically came into work one day and said that he'd had a bit of a trouble with his ball bag Skinner got quite hard around it We convinced him that it was a

disease called rhinoceros like rhinoceros. I saw whatever it meant your whole skin Like got really thick and hard and started becoming like a rhino. So it always started with your ball bag Yeah, it always started with your ball bag and then it turned into a rhino You sometimes hear one of the night out sort of like chatting up a girl and then sort of a guy you probably need to know I've got like a situation. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He believed us for years. He was very gullible He'd be but he'd be so sure that he was going to go home with this woman That he would tell them about his hard and ball bag before they left the club. He was just very open He didn't want to like anything not say he was like in a game where he'd always have his cards on show

Yeah, I'll respect that. Yeah. Oh, you don't you didn't respect it You absolutely Showed him completely a desperate spirit for doing that. I show my cards. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you're gonna turn into a rhino It starts with your ball bag You can't you can't be open and gullible. No, no, that's a bad combo. Yeah, it is I'll tell that if when everything about me and I'll believe anything they say it at the same time that's bad stuff What was his ball problem? Did he ever work that out? I think just with age is ball bag just got like quite an hithery But you don't want to go to the doctors about it. No

If you're the kind of person who's so open about that you tell all your mates and you would tell a woman you've only just met Uh, who hasn't even gone back to your place yet in the club Then surely you have no problem go to the doctors and go in can you look at this? I've heard I'm turning into a rhino But he doesn't need to go to the builders because his mates have already told him I think he was I think he was slightly worried about like sometimes it's like sort of like if you go to that's a definite answer Isn't it and I think he sort of took it as you know Like a building site sort of quack who just yeah, there we go mate. I think that's probably what and also None of us actually saw the balls. No, he just described them in great detail

But then they never spread to the rest of his body So he must have gone. Okay. This is a lie. No, or he just thought i'm getting away of it. It seems like yeah Whatever i'm doing is keeping it under control. It's just a type of the ball bag, but Maybe if it spreads my my you know my legs then, you know, I start getting rhinocerositis of the legs Yeah, rhinocerositis probably find out it's a real disease actually. Yeah Yeah, or I'll go to a zoo one day and it'll be knocking on the glass and he'll go Oi oi In this disease then you imagine he could still speak english once

Even though the transformation is complete We're going through fucking glass. I nobody's been something knocking on the fucking glass every time I try to get out of here We always start with still a sparkling water on the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um your preference You know what I've got a real preference for is um, I like to go to a restaurant and I like to sample the tap water Like it's a wine. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, but I think you know what? We live in the only countries in the world we can have like tap water Different areas like sometimes it's chalky. Sometimes you get like fresh kick. Yeah, I actually think we should be pushing it more I think the vibe

I've actually been proud because it's sort of sneered upon if you said, you know, would you want tap water? Like, you know, but you can't afford a bottle But actually I think people should be more upfront about Pushing tap water because it's like a wine fine wine, right? Yeah, because they don't mention it They never they always say still a sparkling and you have to it's like a secret menu item You have to say tap. Yeah, and I'm always very proud of saying tap. Yeah, or I like to say what's your tap like And just bring me. Yeah, and then you just have a glass and just do a little

That's lovely. That's quite. Yeah. That's nice and fresh. Yeah But if you've got a place in the country where it's your favorite tap water, it'd be fun that wherever you are You go, do you have some? Well, you've probably moved. I would like a pint of sulphur This isn't but women permanent Well, yeah, you ask me if I wanted water. Yeah, or you just literally get a sip of it and go, you know, I will get a bottle That's yeah. Yeah, that's not for me. Yeah, it's like if it's a bit cloudy and it's got bits in it But I think it's something we should be really proud of Well, so, you know what? I've got to ask you now because you told me before this that you

Have lived for a few years. I didn't know this but for about three years near where I grew up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah Northamptonshire. Obviously you've had tap water elsewhere. Yeah What do you think of the northamptonshire tap water? I was spoiled as a child Because I was brought up with sort of sorry Tap water, which is beautiful. So crisp. It's very, you know, it's with you One of the main reasons I moved to where I moved though is is the water there. It's it's even like on a hot day It's ice cold. Yeah It's there's there's nothing but deliciousness to it. It's the northamptonshire tap water. Yeah, it's really really good. It's always ice cold

That's not like a characteristic of tap water though. That's a character by every good drink because it's in northampton It comes out the taps ice cold. Ed, I can see where you're going with this I have been in parts of this country Where I've run a tap for maybe 10 minutes and it doesn't get as cold as the You know, you gotta soak in my hand at the end. She just plays with your hand under the tap all the time Yeah, you're like that or you just get a little shot glass and you take a Suck of it and it's like oh, this is still not cold enough for my palate But I think my point is is it specific to northamptonshire that it comes out the tap ice cold immediately?

Uh, yeah, I think so. That's why Yep Always cold. It's like having one of those things on your fridge. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's beautiful water, man And I think that that's You know, I always want to shake something by the hand when I've had amazing water and say you should tell everyone about this Yes, but obviously they don't because it's who you shaking by the hand the restauranteur the restaurant's her the matriodine Got the five at the end of the mill You tell everyone about that

Lovely bit of kit. Yeah. So would that be the water you'd like in your dream meal is catering tap water? Yeah, I'm going to go to catering tap water. Yes. Do you like catering tap water? Are you? Yeah, although I must say I said sulfured earlier because I think that is where I've noticeably had the best tap water very soft water It again just tastes very fresh and clean and pure. I like a bit of chalky water sometimes I don't mind it. I like a bit of hard water. Yeah. I like hard London water. Yeah, Wimbledon boy. Yeah He's a Wimbledon. I know Wimbledon well. Yeah, yeah, great water great water No larmscale in it. No, you can have a kettle for 10 years not have to clean it. Yeah, that's that's what I found My mum says that every time I call her

Still not got the new kettle. See that? It's the same kettle we had when you were born, she says That had to de-skill it once. Yeah, it's amazing Pop lobs on bread, Tom Davis. Pop lobs on bread. I'm a bread fan. I love my bread But also I do think Popledon should be available in more places Yeah, I think Popledon should be spread out. I think they're beautiful, but I love bread and I'll go a bit of tiger bread before Yeah, a healthy bit of tiger bread. Yes for a meal. Now the tiger bread We've not really discussed the tiger bread in too much detail. Have we? No, I don't think it's come up very often which is weird because it's a nice bread

But does it taste any different to normal bread or is it just tiger bread because it's got those like Stripes on the top that make it look like a tiger fresh tiger bread that softness. It's like a good mattress It's just really decent with a nice salty butter. Yeah, I knew that was doing well for myself when the butter started coming out without a wrap around it Oh, yeah That's not even your life's getting ripsy the way you put that Suggested that it's the same restaurant you were going to the whole time But it was only a certain point. They went we better start Just someone in the kitchen going Tom Davis is in I'm right that butter

He won't be getting greasy fingers today The Toby Carvery Mr. Davis we've unwrapped your butter and here's your tap water Things are going well for me. Yeah, I think things are gonna be I used to make a lot of bread. Yeah, I see. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I used to be obsessed with like soda bread became my thing I used to love like Guinness bread. I used to like I love that sort of bread Yeah, I used to love but I think a tiger bread is really hard to get the proper texture to it It's a really uh, yeah It's our one because this is an unknown little fact of me. I trained as a chef and um

So when I scaffolded and like working sort of hated doing what I was doing so for like Two two and a half years. So I trained at nights doing car short and car short in college Trained as a chef and then I worked like for a while at the Connors. Amazing. Yeah, I like I like cooking. I'm a big Like home, but like I love things like yeah bread cooking and bake off would be fun Never been asked to be on it. I know both of you guys Isn't not fun. No, really It's not fun. Not the way he did it It is fun. Really? Yeah, it's really good fun. Yeah, I'm hope you'd smash it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

I feel sometimes obviously like yeah, because I've got a past in the business Maybe they yeah, it might be different for you Maybe you should just do normal bake off and absolutely This isn't celebrity Yeah, yeah, I mean it's still a little bit unfair because I'm trained as a chef I've started wrapping my butter again Left the celeb well behind Things aren't going so well

So I put a four around that. Yeah, sorry A target bread is uh, yeah That's my go so there is a different taste to tiger bread you think yeah Like a textual I think it takes you but also the taste I think I think it takes but other better than any Maybe soda bread could could go toe to toe with it I like a restaurant where you you have unlimited bread Before a meal. I like the fact that you actually it's 50 50 wherever you're going to be able to eat like Your start because you've eaten so much bread before the meal. Yeah, I really that's a vibe

I'm into how much tiger bread you reckon you could put away and then still comfortably eat the meal that's about to come Three slices three slices and three decent size slices. Yeah. Yeah. I always think as well It's quite nice when you get those restaurants where you can cut your own bread Yeah, I think it's presumptuous of people when they cut the bread for you I like it when you get out a little loaf and you cut. Yeah, obviously this is pretty good What are they presuming? I think that you can't like you can't handle a thicker slice. Okay. I think I think bread Consumptions like politics. Yeah, never judge anyone by it. You know, you just look go in

I think we should be allowed to cut our bread as as we please It's a very dangerous world we live in if you were to come into if I had like a restaurant like this one here You two came in I'd say look here it goes at life. I would not want to give you a thin slice. You're a thick slice all of a sudden You're like, oh, I like thick slices. Yeah, I'm not very good at cutting bread though I I I think I'm doing it really well and then actually it's at an angle and I end up with like a wedge of bread rather than a neat slice It's all about the softness. Yeah, it's all about being quite sensual. The bread is all about sensuality. Yeah Well, no when you're making it proofing it feeling it. Yeah, it's all about being soft. Yes

You know, you don't want to need it too hard. You want to treat it nice And even when that comes down to the cutting You keep that nice that rhythm good. Yeah. Yeah soft slow to the point All right, you want to basically at the end of it the bread to sort of much like their rhino friend You want a bread to give you a wink and go. Thank you Yeah, I felt You from the other side of the glass at the zoo Yeah, I just think you just give me your cutting into bread. It turns out it's another friend used to work

Yeah He'll be gone soon. No, it's my penis getting soft like a baguette Yeah, I know what's happening. Yeah, you got red eyes. Yeah, always endivitis And there's always the word that they know anyway It's giraffe bread a thing or am I making that up in my head because I seem to remember seeing some giraffe bread once But now I'm thinking of a french stick Good point I think it was similar to tiger bread and I couldn't really tell the difference

But did it have like the small like sort of giraffe sort of what's just what I'm thinking was it that was it it was like Would there would be? Yeah, yeah, I'm thinking that I'm thinking that it existed but now I can't I'm doubting it. I'm thinking it might be a dream. Yeah. But what a dream What a dream. I mean, you know, you could that you know, you could turn that dream into reality Just create giraffe bread Yeah, that could be the next Well, so many different things. I didn't know like we'd all be coming up with these new sort of ways of looking at our life All our ideas, man. Yeah

The thing we've all been like, you know locked down for two years. Now we come out. We can chat together We could go on the real bake-off together. You could hide in a cupboard. Yeah, and That's surprising. Yeah We could come up with giraffe bread or Hollywood comes over go. What is this bread? And it's like you've never seen anything like this before your mug It'd be good actually if I sent in like something like if I made it Yeah, great. But someone else was like on the show and Paul Hollywood comes in and he goes That's brilliant and goes to give him a Hollywood handshake and I burst out the proven draw

It was me you mug But you're all really puffed up Yeah Right, let's get on to your dream starter. It's a tough one this yeah Because it is like I I had to give this so much thought That's what we like and I I plumped for a proper french onion soup. Oh, yeah As a kid first time when I brought me on a school trip

to Bordeaux and we tried this french onion soup, but I remember like the whole way there I was so excited about it. It was like the first time I've been on a ferry Yeah, quite a few kids from my school got like detained because they there was a from a naffco. No, no naff naff. Oh Yeah, there was a naffco. This is they were big at the time. They had a shop on the ferry Yeah, and um a load of kids from my school Um went in and drummed it like took all the uh like shoplifted

So, uh, the sort of start of the thing was a load of kids who weren't allowed. Yeah Who who stole those? Not a great place to shoplift when you're at. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there's nowhere to run Hold on a second. Sorry, let's scroll back scroll back. Um, you're on a school trip Yeah, you go into bordeaux. Yeah a bunch of kids from your school trip on the ferry over Shoplift from the naff naff shop And the teachers just let them be detained and everyone else No, they they came with us, but they weren't allowed to like they I can't remember exactly what happened But they they came for the rest of the trip. They were detained on the ferry until the ferry. They didn't keep them on the ferry

They're not still there working Like cabin mates But the whole the whole school trip still carried on because in my school is this primary school secondary school secondary school Yeah, yeah, if that happened on my school, I don't know if the trip would have continued Yeah, but I think they couldn't ruin it for everyone else. I think it was yeah, I mean they they came But I remember because we went to a disco tech on the last night. They were allowed to come. Yeah Yeah, they got all the stuff back. I believe apart from a couple of wallets that were sort of doing the Yeah, those sort of big wallets used to get back in the day with the zips. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, yeah, they can go to the disco tech which to be fair was like quite weird a weird thing to go like we were sort of 14 15 and yeah, everyone else in there was in their 20s Quite a creepy weird thing to be taken to But you were taller than the people in there Yeah, and it was a fair indication of what my whole life would be like whenever I went to a nightclub Everyone was pointing at me and laughing Your dress had to tone moody national Yeah

Walking over with my wallet and opening it constantly Kind of sun teams falling out. Um, yeah, but I was obsessed with finding this uh, like a proper real french onion soup with That bread at the top and a cheese a big crouton on the top of it I tried a couple but found like one that was just off the store. It was just beautiful. Yeah. Yeah I held like I held it tight to my mind my minds from there I just and now like I don't think I've ever it was so good to taste of it. I don't think I've ever Tasted another french. I mean, maybe it was the first time. It's like the first time, you know, yeah I was gonna say you lose your virginity, but it wasn't the best time I've ever had sex

Just never gets better Imagine if there was someone who's like, you know, what the best time is always the first time I've never had it. It's good Chasing that sweet sweet feeling crying afterwards The awkwardness The no return of the phone call. Yeah. Wow the laughing behind my back for all of my imagine losing your virginity and turning to the person and going That reminds me of my first ever french I've ever seen Never be top

The crouton on top So just imagine in my head like even if it's not Even if it's not your first time just turn into someone you said thanks for going it doesn't get better than that It doesn't get better than that High five I'm nice one actually for that I I don't think it could get any better than that. So there's a warm hand shake Do you like some french onion soup? I'm an amazing recipe. Give me four and a half hours

I'll give you some soup. They'll knock your sideways. So you said you would try a lot of french onion soup when you were there Yeah, I had a couple of tries and I wanted to find was everyone else was all your other You know your classmates they were doing around being like, uh, let's get loads of french onion soup A lot of them were getting flick knives and porno man porno cards were big at the time. That's what yeah porno playing cards on the french strip ninja star. Yeah. Yeah I was I was yeah, I was the only kid who wanted sort of like a decent french onion soup But I've heard stories, you know the teacher's checking your bag off to make sure there's no Just loads of soups swimming around

You've been pouring cups of french onion soup into your bag Like a plastic bag within it. I want to take this over from my mum and dad He told you none of this I'm so on board with this choice. Yeah, I love french onion soup. Do you know the only thing that came close Was there's a restaurant near me in oakum place called oakum Uh called hitchens barn and they do a cheese souffle of the week That is unreal. It's the best thing I've ever tasted that is incredible But it doesn't insight the same and I think that you know, I'm a big fan of this podcast

And I think you have to pick with your heart. Yeah, I think yeah, I think you know, I could go with that But I think you know every time I think of that french onion soup. There's a smirk across my face Yeah, and I think of the the the old boy selling it and the smiley gave me as I walked away You know on my own. Yeah thinking that little loan is just about to have the highlight Yeah, yeah I'm excited to hear about that hitchens bar. Did you say hitchens barn? Yeah, it's incredible It's only going next time I go back. Yeah, if there's these great cheese souffle is there everything there is amazing I uh, I go in there and I yeah, I always shake hands and great

Beautiful tap water great tap water. Yeah, I want to see you try that Absolutely no tom gets away with that sort of thing walking and shaking everyone's hand saying Yeah, yeah, hello. How's it doing? Yeah, it's like if I was like oh great It's so happy to have him there shaking hands that guy came in to shake his hand and wrap that guy's butter You're going in there marching up shaking everyone's hand. Yeah, you're like hell. Yeah, we don't work. Hello My name's jake. Tom Davis told me you had a good cheese souffle. Is that correct? Just holding their hand the whole time nervously. Yeah, life doesn't get better than this Hahaha

So the french onion soup comes in those weird little bowls, right? So they're like big they're like bigger bowls and And if you get it right, it's got a crit on the on top and a crit on the bottom, right? And uh, oh on the bottom as well You should have like a bread like sandwich. Yeah, so it's all soaked up and then and again soup sandwich. Yeah, so I think everything should be put in a sandwich. Yeah, I just think the sandwich is a fucking king Yeah, I'd like to open a restaurant if that might be my dream of just like everything's in a sandwich Yeah, you can have like an indian meal on a shirt like chinese meal. You can have a roast dinner You can end in mexico. Well, mexico's kind of in it. Yeah, but the burrito within bread. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah So people don't have to excite obviously with the soup. It's not like you're eating it like you're not picking it up

Like a sandwich, but no you're going the point is it's between two bits. Yeah. So you can eat it however you want Bread makes everything better. Uh-huh. It's like medicine. Yeah. Yes Yeah, you think about any meal that you've ever had in your life and would bread be good I still ask for a roll after any course in any restaurant so I can mop stuff up any course in any restaurant any course Apart from dessert. Yeah, I'm not a heathen sushi restaurant Are you asking for a bread roll? I would love that. Yeah, I'll tell you something the best breakfast I had is We're not talking breakfast, but in bermans, there used to be a place you should do these sweet rolls

Yeah, and on top you'd have like poached eggs and it was all covered in soy sauce. Oh, amazing. Beautiful. Yeah The saltiness the sweet Hello, what was that place called? I can't remember its name. It used to sort of go down and hung it when I lived on bermans I used to pop in there and they used to sort of nod at me. They knew what I wanted. Yeah, was it on the menu or were they like? Bread guy Here comes brady Why did we do this for him? He thinks this is on the menu. We did it once as a joke And he keeps going like please have another sweet

He keeps on bringing his idiot friends in. We'll have ten of them Sweet bed rolls coming soy sauce please Okay, you still I used to work in bermansy and um, there was a shop right next to the Station and I'd go in every morning and get a custard danish from there And at the time I thought it was the best custard danish ever I would really I'd look forward to it all and now on the tube to get there And I'll be thinking about that custard danish the whole time. Well

Not the whole time well kind of I'd get on at one end in bounds green and I'd get a flapjack from the flapjack man What and then I'd eat the flapjack on the tube and then it was soon as I finished the flapjack I'll start thinking about the custard danish every day. Yes. That's a living life. Yeah You live it. You don't just you don't just talk the talk you walk the walk And on a friday if I was lucky well I wasn't it wasn't if I was lucky this would just happen anyway in the staff room They'd put out those marks and spences mini bites tubs and I'd always be the first one there So I'd absolutely clean them up to the rounds everyone else would always be too polite to eat them

So, you know, I'd wait until they've all had that we've had the you know morning briefing Then just go around do the rounds again have another load of them the rice crispy square ones Oh, like all of them like there'd be a different one on each table in the staff room and I'll I'll be really eyeing up Certain ones. Yeah. Yeah one of the millionaires. Did you have an order like a list of like I'm going to hit up this The rocky road is like, yeah, holy grail. Oh, do they have the ones that are like Mini a mini rolls like the very they call like very chocolatey rolls. Yeah with the chocolate round them. Yeah Yeah, I don't get the politeness of like people like if I'm at a buffet I'm steaming in As soon as like the tops are taking off a little bit like the cream film comes off. I'm there

All right, you mean the top of the containers? Yeah What buffers you're going to wear out? Soon as everyone's tops are off This is weird Again, you'd get away with that more than I would People who accept it for me, but there's also there's always people who are a little polite I think it's I think it's rude if you don't get stuck into food straight away I think it's a sign and then, you know scoffing it back and I think the sounds of someone eating your food

Is the best testament to how nice it is. Yeah, the noise is food. Yeah. I'd rather that and someone reserves. Oh, this is delicious Yeah I think that's good acting straight away by the way. Yeah, I can slip in and out That was good. That was eating guy. That was my first Didn't really work on the live circuit It's quite hard. It was a stretch over 20 My first Edinburgh. Oh, I fucking know. He's not even on the main course. He's been eating that french onion soup for 10 minutes Steve Bennett's absolutely slaughtered me

I'd arrive on some mixed bill. Go straight to the green room. Was he doing eating guy again? He's doing eating guy right now on stage Actually to be fair the finale when he eats ice cream is amazing. Yeah, they love that The last thing you want to hear the mc going. I'll just bring you on straight after eating go I'll just keep the night rolling. No, please do a bit Do something in between us. Come on Just ask you what's on the menu. Yeah Lot of mime, lot of mime going on the podcast

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's one of my problems. I'm a very physical kind of guy and that doesn't translate one on a podcast Well before we move on Charlotte Church chose this last one by the way a french onion soup Is it surprising to learn that you've got that in common? It's just great company. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I think I think great minds think I like when it comes to french onion soup I like to think that everyone's got a little bit of french onion soup in them. Yeah. Yeah Interesting. Well, I think you fought that free before you said it. No, no, no, maybe I didn't but um, I liked it Um, do you think you in Charlotte Church are similar in more than outside of you know, I'd like to think that yeah in a sense You know sort of like two renegades

Like she was sort of like this when she was actually like a young person who was really really good in their youth My youth was pathetic. I was We couldn't be more different Apart from our love of french onion soup. Yeah, I think if we went to a restaurant together We just eat french onion soup and every now and again look up and go. This is nice. Yeah, I have nothing else to talk about. Yeah Unites people there, isn't it french onion soup? Yeah, that's a beautiful thing about it. Yeah. Yeah, that's why a french rule was so happy Were people who said called you voice of an angel at any point in your life? Uh No, no, I've never had angel sort of put in any of my no, no, you know sort of feet of an angel

Like, yeah, I don't think you can use angel anywhere else and you know laugh with an angel It's always voice for Angel hair angel hair is a pastor Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah To be fair when my hair was really thinning it was quite like angel hair Whisper yeah, yeah thin wispy hair like yeah, yeah, that's the pastor actually you least want your hair to be like Yeah, angel hair pastor. Yeah Just going to turkey for a hair transplant and going can I get like a sort of penne kind of vibe to my hair please like a thick penne

A linguine, a linguine would be Two sheets of lasagna Just like 90s curtains I had those Those are an undercut. Oh great cherished times. Love to have seen that. Yeah, honestly when I look at both of you You know all three you guys with your beautiful hair, man. Yeah. Yeah, it's like yeah, but now you can pull the hat off Yeah, just for the listener. Tom's got one of those sort of big flat caps on for you. I think you're the only person I've ever seen make those look good. Oh really outside of last the summer wine

Which was my inspiration Those guys look legit. Yeah, I'm peaky blinders, which is I'm peaky blinders Which is of course the last of the summer wine prequel Yeah, it's the very last of summer wine actually, peaky blinders is like That would be so genius if like that was the prequel to it The end of peaky blinders they go I'm gonna start calling you kompo Yeah, it gets in a bathtub

What the hell Dream main course I've gone with um a typical Irish boxy all my family's from a place in Ireland called Mayo And uh, it's one of I it takes me back to sort of school. Yeah school holidays We go over there on holiday and and it's yeah, it's a very It's essentially just a shoe With you know with all that dumplings nice bit of soda bread, but it's a beautiful thing It's like Jen that some good mashed potato. I think it's it's the food that probably makes me happiest I think you know and that weird thing of trying to recreate it at home and you can never get the carrots quite sweet enough

Yeah, or the uh, this is trick to it. Oh, I think it's like a magician's It's not even being the pot just using the same pot all yeah. Yeah, yeah Yeah, the flavors are sort of like so ingrained in it. Yeah, it's a good I went um I took my wife now back to where I came from man for this sort of trip of like, you know Just before he got married. I was like, you know, I'm gonna take you back to where I come from It's tiny little place called Roy Carter, which is near Belmullet Which is sort of on the sort of like furthest peak of Ireland and I hadn't been back for years So I was like, look we're gonna go and you know, you can sort of see like where my grandmother's born and all that

So we we're driving over there and the sat nav's basically stops can't find this place Roy Carter it's quite a tough little place to find so we sort of pull over in Belmullet We're going to this petrol station and I'm like, um, I'm gonna do this accent, right? Yes, but like this accent the in me or they have this kind of sort of singing we have talking when you're talking to I can't do it greatly. I'm gonna try I haven't been there. So that sounded like a legit accent. I go into the petrol station I was like, hey, I'm looking for Roy Roy Carter and this man goes That's what she was like, what do you want with Roy Carter? What do you want to go there now?

And I said, oh, I'm I'm over there like my family's from there like my grandmother. What's your grandmother's name? I'm Bridget Lally Bridget Lally's dad. She's been dead for about 20. I know she's dead. She's But my uncle's Dennis and Tady Lally Dennis is in a mental lunch to us and Tady's dad I was like, yeah, I know this that my uncle's he's like, well, what do you want there? I said, well, I'm gonna take my what Yeah, I think you have to do an interview to go to this fucking place, right? So I do this whole thing and he said, well, follow me. I'll show you your character So we get in the car and we drop me and my wife for driving. He speeds off my wife's trying to keep up

Speeds through the country We turn up at Roy Carter and he runs into the this b&b pub we're staying in And the whole pub comes out. All right, and I sort of come out. It's quite intimidating You're in the middle of nowhere like sort of like, you know the wilderness of Ireland and my wife said, oh my god, what's happening? I was like, don't worry. I've got this. I get out of the car and the woman who runs the b&b is like, what do you want here? He says such you're related to Bridget Lally. No, she's dead. She's been dead I said Grandmother and she says

It says no, you're Dennis and Tady's nephew. You know that Dennis and mental insurance and Tady's dead. No Yeah, no, no, no. My uncle's it's yeah. Yeah. Yeah Wait, look, I come from like this is I want to sort of like it's a sort of me retracing the show My wife right where I'm from and and the you know where my family's from and my wife is like We have a room booked here and she was like we've got one room booked tonight in the name of mckin mary murphy Is that you and I went no, no, no, no, I'm tom davis and like this is my fiancee Catherine Morphew She was like my fuel was maybe we've got a name wrong when mary mick would you come in? I was like, no, no They take us this fucking nuts room, right

We're there for like four or five days where we're driving around and for the whole time She's called me mick my wife mary. It's like an insane place. It's like something from a comedy sketch Yeah, I think they had just literally not heard what my wife was saying and just put these names Yeah, so um this like sort of the like I think like the penultimate night we're there I'm sort of like I was in a bar chat and some people and she comes with a worried look on her face She said can I have more of you mick? I was like Yeah, yeah, this is um deal. I'm there's a young man over there says you're an actor, but then you have tom davis He's got it all wrong. I said, no

When you got here, you said you were bridget lally's grandson I was like, yeah, no, I am bridget lally's grandson until a centurion's nephew. I said, yeah, no You know, but he's convinced you're an actor. I said, no, I am an actor I'm an actor But I'm also related to to bridget and tailey in and and and she's like, um Well, who the fucking hell's mcmoffey? No And she's just quite the conundrum. Yeah, and I was like, it's really not a conundrum. It's anyway, uh

She still writes to me like on the DM me on uh from this place It's an incredible play anyway I digress but I um, so I had this vision of like taking I I'm obsessed with food and obsessed with the memories that that's why I love this podcast But the memories and feelings that food insights. I think it's like only thing like food and music Anyway, I was like saying to my wife like we have to go to this place I'm such fond memories of like this boxy that my grandma We used to go to my parents and it's beautiful look like little sort of pub and so we go there

I mean sit down. It's quite clear quite early on this has been taken over by a chain And the bash potato was smashed. Nothing was cooked like properly And then we spent the the rest of time me trying to find the perfect boxy Which I didn't for a while. So it's a sort of hallowed thing I sort of think back and remember right remember But it's the the only main course I could pick to sit in this restaurant and and look at now You're filming it's heartbreaking when it's like it's not only just gone from like, oh, it's not as good. Yeah It's like it's smashed potatoes

Smash potato by the way is like the later in a restaurant. I get it like yo, but it's the laziest thing to cook Genuinely, it's like in a restaurant. It's like come on. Mash a potato. It's not that much That's actually quite difficult to get it right and to mash them really good to like get really good quality mash that like is really good You're the mash king, but are you is that your thing and the mash are you like the guy at Christmas who like Everyone I grew up with and everyone I like I sort of know from sort of my mate so to say Always will say at Christmas. They'll go. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no, no shoot That's all the cooking obviously apart from the roast potatoes because I'm the king of Take to do that one fucking thing would you do it the rest I only do it for Christmas

I only do them right It's like a family can only get their minds around it once a year. It's like, oh good. Yeah Yeah, it wouldn't be so special. You know what would be special you fucking getting off your ass Give me your fucking water and fucking every other sunday the fucking year and maybe learn another trick You got your fucking head around roast potatoes Fuck a miracle thing You're parboiled up. You're frying in a bit of oil. You can't really fuck it up Yeah, that's what I do the king and it's all how do you do yours there mate? Yeah, and you know, they're not that good. Yeah

Absolutely It's like soggy as fuck. Yeah. Yeah, and he talks about them for the whole meal as well. Yeah No, no, no, that's the thing you know happens like the wife's they're sweating up. Okay. Yeah, turkey. Okay, but bread sauce all right sprouts They're not too bad as if one And they've made it to walk no one can tell them that they're shit because they've taught them up all day Then they've done them and then they sit down and then they ask people directly So you're gonna say they're great. You're not gonna go Actually, I don't I think you're insane

Like you've been talking about them all day long and I think it's just like we ever roasties I've had They're just very normal and if anything they are a bit damp and they're not very nice Like they're not as crispy as I was hoping they were you made them sound like they were going to be Skinned on your lazy swine. Yeah. Yeah. These are not good. Do you remember pubs? I used to love a pub with a roast potato Yeah, yeah, it's been one of my favorite things in the world on a sunday. Oh, yeah, just like roast potatoes coming over the bar Just a little wink from a knowing face I Tell you what that's the sort of thing I wish they'd bring back. I think the community's lived and died on things like that

Yeah, yeah, roast potatoes roast potatoes or Knowing faces and no faces as well. Yeah. Cheers basically, isn't it? We've got some um our trip to new york uh that we talk about all the time But not not the off menu one but the new years when the Ed and I went on we got poutine somewhere once and it came And we were expecting, you know chips And it was roast potatoes and I mean that was incredible. Yeah, but uh, I think potatoes are king Okay, are we gonna see a little appearance of potatoes coming up in your menu? Well, yeah, it would be a missive me not to

Are we side stepping into the into the side dish right now? And is it? I feel like I should wish or are they already Included in the boxy which by the way, I've never heard that before you've never had a boxy. I've never never never had it But never heard the term. No, I mean either. I didn't really. Yeah, it's boxy. I absolutely imagine what it is I've heard obviously had irish stew before yeah, but it's I suppose like scowl sort of like anything like it's sort of like The irish version. So they do these potatoes out there as well called Well, I think because again, I'm a potato. No, I love potatoes. All right. So again, I'm I'm in an hour in here Yeah, because the way I see this I'll stand by this meal

Yeah, and if it comes to a point when I'm on the electric chair Yep, and someone says what's your final meal go? I'll be like go back Listen to me on off menu And source out those ingredients, please. I don't I think people really overestimate the effort that they'll go to On like the on the death sentence wing. They're not going. Okay. We've really got a he's a pizza, mate Yeah, also Look, I'm sure you're sick of hearing about your height all the time and stuff like that

But you saying about you being on the electric chair just makes you think of green mile That guy's massive. Yeah This makes me think of like the whole of green mile, but you're playing john coffee. Yeah A remake. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let me take it back boss. That's me doing you. Yeah. All right. I'm tom davis That's good. That's a really great impression. My name's not I can't go as deep and quite got the the time My voice doesn't do it. Yeah, I can't go All right, my name is tom davis. That was good. No, you start. You've really just got to go Yeah, there's no way neither of us again. I'll take it back boss. I want I tried to take it back boss

I'm sort of what's what's happening is you can't go low. So you've just added a bit of a lisp. Yeah So that snake out of robin hood It'd be great of that Yeah, because yeah, I'd love to be Little john in there. Yeah. Yeah, I'd like to be a snake That's a dream. You'd be robin hood, right? I could be robin hood. Yeah, you got the goods. Yeah, you got Yeah, I think actually you'd be an amazing robin hood. Thank you very much. Yeah, because what's great about you got that sort of like Chair of look you've got a great little face, but also you've got wisdom in your eyes

A wise chair of yeah, I know and look would you say yeah, I'd say no But I'd also say like say me and you were knocking about the chair with forest and he rocked up I like to thought that I'm little john and you probably will scarlet you could Have anyone in that fucking bow and arrow, mate. Yeah Keep it to a star fight Robin should look like a chair with the bow and arrow. Yeah, that's perfect. Yeah, and a chair with a knowing look at it Yeah, firing arrows. Yeah, we won't last

He knew that was going to hit What meat is in the stew by the way, is it I think it's a lamb. Yeah, I think it's a lamb It's a bit like one of those things where I've never really asked. It's just there on the menu I think it's I guess maybe if it's a case of making a massive thing to sort of yeah, it was a great progress food. It was like I suppose it was yeah, whatever you could you had basically the cup. I think they're the best meal sometimes Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ask no questions. Yeah, tell no lies and shake walk out Ask the questions. Tell no lies

Not you though I would ask a lot of questions. Yeah Have some questions. No lies, please Show me a hand. A piece of meat. What is in this? It doesn't get better than this This is the life This is the life I'd love to start saying that more. I'm going to try it. I think you should or enjoy it You're trying to say it a bit more. Yeah, this is the life

Also in situations where like like I like to like sit on a train next to a stranger and like half an hour into the journey Just go this is the life On a rollercoaster Yeah, but rollercoaster is too much fun, right? Like just selling it to them. I think the train Are you in a house or flat flat in the minute? Yeah, you know when you're taking out your sort of make sure you've got a couple of other neighbors taking out their bins Yeah, and then just sort of give them a little tap on the shoulder and go this is the life

Yeah, recycling bins though. I thought I'd do it. I know recycling bins going this is the life, am I right? Or just stand up there. Stand up there. Take your bin out really early and stand up there the whole morning And every time someone brings out a bin just give them a little Wednesday If my building the best way I could do it is in the lift because that seems like oh, this is like a Excited that we're in the lift and I can say like I press the button as it starts going up to go This is the life. Am I right that you put too much emphasis the one you did before is beautiful. Yeah, that's the life No, this is

I had an Uber driver the other day and I got in and it's the happiest man I've ever met in my life And he went from where did God send you to me? I Got to the bottom of it. It turns out he just lives near where I live So I'll be driving back in the direct in the same direction. Was he like that happiness the whole way? Yeah. Yeah pretty much Put my head funds in but really Are there are there just jumps on the skateboarder that guy's happy. Yeah I should have said surfed because you surf on the skateboard. No, no, no, no, no. Skape, didn't you?

Yeah, straight to the bottom of the ocean. Yeah. Yeah, don't try and surf on the skateboard, mate Well, you learn something every day. In the new Jackass film, I mean. I went to see it the other night, brilliant. Was it good? Nothing makes Bonita laugh more than how much James genuinely loves Jackass with all his heart. I went to watch the one, the bad grandpa one they did.

And it's one of the happiest moments of my life. Everyone was just in such high spirits. Actually, I talked about this with Ron and he didn't believe it. But when we were leaving, I was laughing so much still. I slapped someone in the back and said, that was funny. Yeah. This is a life. And that really was a life.

If I could whisper to him and say, you know, in 10 years, we're all going to be stuck inside. I fucking enjoy it. Just have another popcorn and get back in there and watch it again. So my side dish. So it was between fondant potatoes. Which I adore. But I think I have to stick with that sort of Irish vibe

and go, they did like these scallop potatoes, which are like really finely sized. Put in a deep-fried fry, covered in salt. And they are so sexy. Yeah, you're really, yeah. Wow, that was fucking hell. I've never had anyone's attention as much as I had yours in that. There was a moment there.

You were describing it really well. That felt like eating French onion soup again. They're crispy. I remember going to watch the football every night. And they come in like a bag. So it all soaks into the bag, the salt, the grease. And I remember like going in, ordering a bag, going, like eating them on the way to the pub,

thinking these are fucking amazing. The whole first half I'm watching, thinking, I need some more of those. I need some more. So half time I went and put four bags. Pretending that I was like buying them for other people. And I just sat on a wall and just fucking scoffed at myself.

Do you have to sit on a wall? If I'm going to enjoy anything, I think that that's something that, you know, it wasn't even a high wall, James. It was quite a low wall, but I give... Knees up. Knees up. Run your ears.

Again, I'm picturing squatting on the wall like a frog. Like a frog. Look at that weird fellow. Do you remember that Simpsons episode when a really tall guy gets in the small car like that? Love it. Do you find something amusing about my appearance when I drive my automobile?

One of the best episodes. A great episode. When you were buying the four bags of scallop potatoes, pretending they were for other people, how deep did you go into that? Were you like, oh, I can't...

Bit less salt on that one. I think Tony's... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tony's on a lifestyle diet. I wish I had done it. I was like an addict. I was like, yeah, come on, mate. Yeah, I'll get back for the next...

Also, I wasn't that far away, by the way, from the place I brought them when I ate them all. So it would have basically taken someone to walk out a little bit further from the doorway to go, oh, second half must be back. Hold up. John, big fellow we brought there. Come here.

We sort of ate the bag, didn't we? Yeah. It's clearly been thinking about it the whole first half. Yeah, another bit of acting. That's good. That's good stuff. Yeah, really. It's not in down a load of the tape.

Wolfing them down just yet. And no sauce needed. No sauce. I think that's the hallmark of incredible potatoes. Yeah. I think some potato... I think we're talking about average roast potato, boom, you need gravy.

I think a lot of potatoes are sort of like... ketchup becomes their crutch. But I think with these... Just salt. Yeah, just sweet, sweet salt. And as your side dish, do you want four bags of them? Yeah, four bags. Yeah, four bags.

And I think because I'm in such a special place, I won't fill the sort of pathetic sort of looming sort of judgment that I did when I... I mean, because you do love potatoes so much, you were torn between different types. You got a top 10 ways to have potatoes. Top 10, wow. And normally I'd say top five to people who are top three.

Wow. But because it's... So you've got... You've got more of a passion here. I would... Yeah, I'd go with the... I'd go to Scott's and then I'd go a really good roast potato. But I mean, like, someone's really taking their time.

I'd then go to the Honest Jacket. So fondant potatoes isn't... No, no. And then fondant potatoes is a special, special occasion. It depends also what you're cooking it in, what kind of stock. I mean, you could almost go, you know, cook it to the chicken stock beat.

I'd go fondant potato after the jacket. If I'm honest with you, I'm caught in the crosshairs here a little bit. So I'm sort of just listing potatoes. Wow. You haven't had time to order them. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

I'm looking through. I'd go mashed potatoes without skin. I could tell you were filling for time when you called it the Honest Jacket. The Honest Jacket, of course. I'd go mashed potatoes without skin. Yeah. Then I'd go mashed potatoes with skin.

Oh, nice. Right. I'd go chips. I think chips are overrated. Okay. Interesting. One of the hottest takes we've ever had on the podcast, and we're reacting like it's not, but like...

Yeah. That's a big thing. There's a lot of people probably just through their headphones to the ground and discussed and stamped on them. I think chips are sort of, they're lucky to be on the list, but I do enjoy them if they cook really well, if they're cooked incredibly well,

but yeah, I think like a jacket potato. If anyone... You take a jacket potato away for chips. Oh, mate, every day. If I go into a harvest, the first thing I'm doing, changing the chips and chips. I think you're absolutely crazy.

Yeah, that's something. Really? The jacket potato is a blight. What? I hate a jacket potato. It'd be very far down my list. Are you kidding? Oh, no.

Like a jacket potato. Probably the only time I've ever been serious on this podcast. With a nice rock salt, just sort of like grain into olive oil on the skin. No. Look, I'm not saying that's not nice, but I'm saying that I would choose... Load it out with a bit of cream cheese.

Baked beans. Well, yeah, I like all... Oh, I don't like baked beans. Baked beans are horrible. What? Disgusting. But I like the things you put on jacket potatoes. Mm-hmm.

Like if I eat the... I'll just eat the top off it and I'll be like, there's a load of potato left there. I'm not having that. Are you kidding? It's too flowery. What I'm doing with a jacket potato

is that I'm mashing up the contents of it. This is insane. Like generally... I'm turning it into mashed potato. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought this was... Essentially to make it nicer. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, you get up and then you've got the skin. It's like the sort of... That's how I handshake with God. The skin, if it's cooked perfectly, is like, wow. I... Hello, God. How are you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not ashamed of God. The skin of a jacket potato is like the best bit of everything. Man, that's absolutely... I don't mind the skin. I like a potato skin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like a potato skin. I'm putting chips, french fries, dauphin wards. Dauphin wards comes low down for me, though. What? That's going... Fondant potatoes. I'm putting all of them above a jacket potato.

Oh, man. You know, in a half. I'm putting everything above it. Yeah. Dauphin wards. Roasties. Pomanna. Mashed.

I'm saying now, the jacket potato, the wholesomeness of a jacket potato on a Sunday evening when you've... You're like, oh, you know, cheese, beans, or tuna fish and sweet corn. Oh. Oh, tuna fish and sweet corn. Have you been to quality chop house?

No, no. I want to introduce you to a potato, just the potato that's going to blow your mind. Really? As a potato man, you've got to get to quality chop house. They do something called a confit potato where they thinly slice potato.

Oh, I think I've seen it. And then layer it all up. Yeah. And like put it all in a big tray and then cut it into like, sort of chip sized things and then fry that. And it is just...

It's just the best thing in the world. Wow. I'm going to hit that up. Yeah, you got to. And when I walk in, I'm going to go, Ellen Jameson, me. Shake everyone's hand. Yeah, yeah, walk around.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Little ruffle in the hair of the chef. Little scamp. You were talking earlier about getting hate on social media. After this podcast goes out, you might want to lie low for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you just slagged off chips and put jacket potato ahead of them because you are going to get it. But I think we're going to get it for slagging off jacket potatoes as well. I... We'll see about that. I think I'd like to see a world

where you could see chips and jacket potatoes go head-to-head somehow. Yeah. Like get a thousand people. A poll? A poll. We'll do a poll. Easy to do a poll,

but like chips is going to absolutely murder you. Yeah. Like... Yeah, but... We might get shit from some people for jacket potato, but it will be like old people. I want to say now,

if it is an absolute, like 300 kind of scenario here, where they get an absolute maul in, everyone who votes for jacket potato is getting in touch with me. Yeah. Or like have a jacket potato club or some shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know, you just open yourself up to an absolute world of pain because jacket potatoes is going to contact you now. Yeah. And you're going to have to

set up a jacket potato club. And every tweet should be read in this voice. Hello, Tom. I like jacket potatoes. Did you just... Did you say everyone who likes jacket potatoes

is Christian? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I said that earlier. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is my example of a... of a boring person. Apparently.

But I'm from a Christian family. Yeah. This could be the most controversial article there have been. Well, some people would say that chips should just objectively be the side

of choice for everyone that it's actually the best decision. I think if you're going to have a side dish and potatoes are an option, I think you should have at least 10 different potatoes

that people can have. Yeah. Why doesn't it have been just like a potato restaurant? Or at least like a potato table. Like there should be a restaurant that's got a very menu

that does different main courses. Yeah. But the potato selection is like just everything. Like a dessert trolley for potatoes. Yeah. I'm going to wheel it out

and they've got all the selection there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, like when you go to certain meat places and they've got which bit of steak do you want? Yeah.

Yeah. It's like they bring, yeah. Like the Brazilian barbecue places where they bring it around on a skewer. Yeah, yeah. I think there's just loads of people going around

with different trays of potatoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It gets so full so quickly wouldn't you? No, no, yeah. Like 10 minutes in, you'd be like, oh, God.

That's the name of the restaurant. Oh, God. But you just have it for potatoes every time. But it's just that, yeah. And I think people would really, that's where you'd

really see the potato become probably the superstar of sort of World Cuisine. Yeah. I was already doing pretty well for you. Yeah, but, you know,

it is, but you know what, it's like a, it's just a staple at the moment. It's not got, it's not got all the, it's just living an okay life. Yeah. It's not getting

the kudos it does it. It's not, you know, it's not bubble tea and stuff. They have their moment in the sun. Yeah. Yeah. The potatoes just, yeah.

Oh, yeah. They're chips because they're the new thing on there. Well, a jacket potato is the only one that's a meal in its own right. Yes. So that's saying

And there's a jacket potato shop that actually closed in Soho. Oh, really? Yeah, I was devastated when that happened. There was that crisp shop as well.

Do you remember that? Yeah. Just crisp. I think it was called hip chips or something like that. Yeah. Is that gone as well?

I was thinking that might have gone, yeah. And maybe the potatoes just isn't big enough to stand on its own. It's a sad thing. I'm not crying. Yeah.

But a potato is Does it make you feel any better that chip shops are a thing and have done really well? Yeah. They're fishing chip shops. Yeah.

No, there's not a chip shop that stands on its own. But they call it People call it the chippy though, right? Yeah, they call it People go in and get just chips.

I mean, Yeah, but it's not held. It has to have a sidekick. It has to have, what is the sidekick? I reckon you could just open a shop that was just the chips.

And if the chips are good enough, people You know, if that happens, we'll have you back on for another episode. And it's one minute long. Yeah. And it's just me.

Thank you. It doesn't even have to be a minute long. I could probably just do it as a sound bite and send it in. I could probably do a couple of me eating impressions

just. Yeah. All the different potatoes. People have to guess which one it is. Do you want to do three impressions now? Are you eating different

types of chips and different types of chips? Different types of chips. You've got to guess which one this is. Different types of potato. But here's what's going to happen.

We've got it right. Just like normal. But in the edit, Benito will only have you in the chips. And in the following episode, he will include the answers. Amazing.

OK. So he's not going to do it in this one. So much work. He's going to hold out the answers until next week. I've got you. I've got you.

OK. My first one. What I was going to do is do the actions. But now it's just going to be the. Yeah. For the listener, we just

need to do the sound. OK. I feel like that. Soft potatoes. It must be a mash because it's a soft, you know. Yeah. That was mashed potato.

Yeah. With skins off. With skins off. Yeah. Sorry. OK. You ready? Yeah.

People are. Absolutely going to hate this by the way. I'm quite enjoying it. I think that's Dauphin Mars. No. There's more texture to it than that.

I mean, obviously now I'm expecting. I'm expecting a mash with the skins on at some point, but I'm not sure you'd do it straight away. I'd go roast. It was my favourite kind of

potato. It was a scallop potato. Oh. And quickly smashing it. Yeah. Oh. That's unfair because earlier you were going.

Yeah. Yeah. When you went by, I was like, I would have got that. OK. OK. OK. Is this the last one?

Last one. Yeah. He likes it. Oh, he likes that one. Again, it's quite soft. So I'm guessing. No, no, no, no. Yeah.

It's a hob on this one. There's a bit of bite to it. There's a bit of bite. Fondue potato. Tom, are we in a world where you're just making the noise and you're deciding afterwards? No, no, no.

No, no, no. No, no, no. It's not fondue potato. I'm still doing the impression. So your guess. I mean, is it mash with skins? No, no, no. No.

What was it? A roast potato. Oh, that's why I had to try and get the crunch there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's a good comment. And the nodding was trying

to sort of allude to the character that I'm sort of someone's... This is how good an actor you are. I really want some potatoes. Yeah. I'd really maybe want some potatoes. That game as well

is so much better, I think, when you can see what I'm doing. Yeah. Well, we'll see. We'll see how it goes. We'll see how it goes. We'll see how it goes. I'll see who gets it.

Your dream drink. You know what? Recently, I've stopped drinking alcohol now. So it's been seven months since the Euros. I sort of made a deal with myself to sort of... So was this start the Euros,

the end of the Euros? The end of the Euros. So what happened? The major... The semifinal, I was drinking with, like, a load of people after the game. Yeah.

People, quite a few people, were younger than me and I was drinking out of a picture jug and someone walked past them and there's a cigarette butt in that picture. Uh-huh. I drunk probably half of it

and someone stuffed a fag out in it. And I thought, I'm fucking 42. I'm about to be a father. This is fucking bleak. Yeah. What am I doing with my life? Yeah.

So I put down that picture. I said goodbye to everyone and my friends and... Never seen them again. No, no, no, no. I've just... Good luck with your roast potatoes. Yeah.

And I walked away. And then from there, I've just... I drank so much. I was sort of like... It was a part of my life that was just sort of constant, like, pub, pub, pub,

from working on sites to then stand up and then working, like, as an actor. You constantly... It felt like alcohol was just a massive part of that. Yeah. And actually I was like,

I'm just a bit done with that. Yeah, so seven months. So now soft drinks are king. And like, it's a bit of a weird one this because I've listened to this podcast a lot. Yeah.

So I know where... It's like with the dark Pepsi vibe. Yeah. I'm obsessed with Coke Zero. Okay. So I'm a Coke Zero kind of guy. Yeah. I love a Coke Zero.

Yeah. I think that I have it pretty much with at least one meal a day. Mm-hmm. I like the ice cold fizziness of it. As you know, I like an ice cold drink. Yeah. Is it colder in catering?

Coke Zero. It's colder if I put it in the freezer for half an hour before my meal. But yeah, I like a love of Coke Zero. Why are you choosing Coke Zero over a Diet Coke, for example? I don't know. I think the taste is just...

Coke Zero is so much better the taste. It's like, I just find... I don't know. Diet Coke is that sort of dull, horrible sort of... I think you taste is more that there's no sugar in Diet Coke than you do Coke Zero.

Mm-hmm. Coke Zero. That's why I find it more refreshing Diet Coke. I could probably have two or three Diet Cokes in a row. Whereas Coke Zero, you feel like you've had a drink. But that's the danger. Yeah.

If you get something that you can have two or three Coke Cokes. Yeah. Yeah. I've actually got to a point now that I was drinking so much of it that I can't even finish a can sometimes. I think I got so used to sort of

squaffing it down. Yeah. Now it's got to the point where I leave like a little bit in the bottom. I actually think there's actually a thing that I don't think anyone's ever fully finished any can of drink ever. What?

What are you talking about? Let me tell you this. Right? This is serious. Yeah. Good luck. Right? Okay.

Good luck with this. You'll think you've finished every can of drink. Yes. Right? Right. That's the next time you've got a can of drink. Right? Do that.

Finish it. Give it a little shake. You think it's finished. Then just knock it over onto your carpet. I guarantee there'll be some residue. I mean, yeah. There'll be some residue. I think that's where...

If that's what you... If you mean by those standards, then... Yeah. Yeah. What... No one's finished anything ever because there's like... I could finish this glass of water now.

No. There'll always be like a bit of water. Finish it now and then hold it upside down over your hand. Yeah. There we go. Finish it. Another compelling bit of... Yeah.

I mean, this is worth it. Yeah. Okay. Hold it. There you go. Yeah, no, no. But I'm saying there's a noticeable stain when you have a... Yeah, it's water.

This is water. Yeah, no, no. At least soap it. I mean, it's again, it's a visual medium. Yeah, well, for the audience... For the audience, he held it upside down over his hand and threw drops of water away again.

Yeah, yeah. But what I'm saying with the can, you'll see at least something that's probably 350 piece big. Right. 350... No, I don't... But it's going to get you a can of fizzy drink of Coke Zero if we've got it.

Are we down in the Coke Zero? I think... Well, you've already said you can't finish a whole one anyway. Yeah, well, you might have to... When you say you don't... You can't finish a whole one. Do you mean that there's always that stuff left? No, no, no.

Or do you... Not finish it? No, no, no. Now I have just a little bit left. For some reason. Did you ever think that within seven months, you go from someone who's drinking lager from a pitcher to someone you can finish a whole soft drink?

If you want, you can just pour all that into that glass that you had the water in. Right. And then tip it over onto the table. And then not the can onto the table. Right, are you ready? I am ready. This is exciting.

There we go. Fill it up the glass now. I feel like, you know, like, when they get scientists on these things. Yeah. Right, that's everything out, right? Right, hang on. You do more.

That didn't feel like you emptied it all properly. Like most people would. Okay. Okay, well... Yeah, that's quite a lot. You saw that. That's a puddle. That's a decent size of puddle.

Okay, I still maintain, when you were pouring that out, you deliberately didn't fully pour it. No, no, no. Here we go again. Oh, right, that's true. Yeah? It's like when you hit like 35

and you start going for a piss and you zip everything back up. Yeah, yeah. And then you end up with Mickey drips. Okay. I actually, I feel like I'm not a street magician like a street scientist.

Like there, I was just like, Ed's face there was absolutely, he was like, oh yeah, I poured the puddle there. Yeah, yeah. I essentially emptied the Canada Coke. But what happened when I pulled it up there again? Nice.

You did do it. You are like a street scientist. A lot of David Blaine of science. Yeah. You are a bit like David Blaine of science, actually. But yeah, I mean, to be fair, that first puddle was a bigger puddle of Diet Coke than I was expecting.

And then the other one blew my mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the fact that more came out of it still. You were saying about the Diet Coke, how much you can finish drinking one day. That's a nice drop of Coke. Yeah? You enjoying that?

I've been enjoying the Diet Coke. Yeah, it's nice. You're missing that zero vibe, but yeah, it's good. Yeah. Really hydrating. God, so keep you satisfied. I don't like that they changed the design

on the Coke Zero cans because it used to be a black can. Yeah, actually, yes. And they changed it to look too much like a normal Coke. And as a type one diabetic man, I also need to drink the zero sugar drinks. So occasionally I've been brought a Coke Zero and I have that moment of panic where I'm halfway through drinking it.

I'm like, oh, is this definitely a Coke Zero? I hate it. I want everyone to know that I'm drinking a Coke Zero. I don't want them to look over and think I'm drinking a Coca-Cola and I'm just the basic bitch. Yeah, yeah. I mean, who even drinks fully of that Coke now? Basic bitches.

Yeah. People who are hungover, I think, as well. Yeah, yeah. I always love the look of someone who's on sort of like public transport and they've got like a two litre bottle of fucking full of that Coke and they're just quaffing it out straight. At home, though, my wife won't drink. So she has Pepsi Max.

Yeah. We have a real, like, yeah, sort of... Divided household. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And what did she say to you? Like, do you ever have arguments about that? No, I mean, lucky enough I'm doing well enough for myself that we can have the option.

But if we get to a place where, you know, we can only pick one, I think that's where things will become quite awkward. But you've never been like, why do you prefer those? I don't understand. It's not as nice as this lovely Coke Zero. Well, we've had that discussion in a couple of times, sort of like, you know, I might just, on special occasions, I might just go, oh, fuck it, I love the Pepsi Max.

Yeah. And it's, yeah. I've got a bit of gas from that. That's what we have with Dark Coke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bit more gas. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. My palette's not ready for it.

Yeah. Yeah, I thought it was sort of like a buzziness of excitement. Yeah, of course. We know how you like it. So we've come onto your dessert. Yeah. I'm going to go with my grandmother's lemon meringue pie. Yeah.

Yeah. Can't go wrong. Like it was the best thing. Yeah. Like as a kid, I used to love, you know, busting out that lemon meringue pie, sitting in the centre of the table, just can't wait to get through the rest of the meal,

just to crack onto that thing. So would your grandma put the lemon meringue pie in the middle of the table at the beginning of the meal and then they will have to sit there looking at it. Yeah, wow. Like a tease. Yeah. You get through the rest of this shit.

Look what you were waiting for, yeah. I like to think of it, you know, like just sitting there steaming and sort of like looking good. Yeah. Sort of the meringue or sort of freshly done. But I don't think it was ever on the centre. That's how I like to imagine it. You're imagining it on the table

while you're eating the rest of the stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think it was sort of sat in the kitchen just sort of smiling at me. Yeah. Would you ever nip out to the kitchen early and... Just like, sorry, I'm just going to make sure it's still there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll just take a little taste of it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, you're getting in trouble. No, more than anything as well. I think you've really got... I'm very... I think you've got to wait for that dessert. I think everything has to be savoured in courses.

Yeah. And I think like, you know, that first moment when you just grab that slice. I've been, since then, I've like a sort of... almost like a Willy Fogg kind of vibe. We're trying to find a meringue as good. It sort of means as much to me. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I think it is one of those situations with lemon meringue pies are best homemade. Yes. Oh. Thank you. Like, I haven't had one in a restaurant that's as nice as numerous ones I've had,

like made by people at other homes. My hands one was brilliant. Yeah. My mum's one, my sister's like way better than any... Same family recipe? I don't know, you know. I wouldn't be surprised if my sister maybe got the recipe off my mum, but maybe not.

You know, she's her own woman now. I always get so... I get a sort of... Like, a weird sort of excitement whenever I go into a restaurant. I've got lemon meringue pie on the menu there, and it's always an anti-climax. Yeah, yeah.

There's one in East London. I can't remember the name. It's terrible. I can't remember the name of the restaurant that's out in my head. But they do this... The meringue is incredible. It's like a shark fin.

Gloria. Gloria. Yeah. But it's just too much. It's crazy, and it looks amazing. Yeah. But it's... The meringue is huge.

I went there with my wife, and I was like, so excited. I literally wolfed the whole... It was like, took me back to being a kid. I was wolfing through, like, you know, all right, mate, come on, get that pasta out. You know what I mean? I'm like, I can't wait to get to this meringue. And actually, it wasn't fluffy.

It's quite dense meringue, isn't it? And it's just so fucking big. Like, genuinely, by the time you get to the lemon, it's like, you've done... You've done about four miles of fucking meringue. It's like... The lemon's the best bet, isn't it? It is, yeah, yeah.

Because it's the whole point of the lemon meringue, but otherwise, you might as well just throw in meringue. The lemon should be so sharp that the meringue is just there to cut through the sharpness, so the sweetness... And also, it's really a dense meringue. The fluffiness to a homemade meringue is, like, that's just something really sacred.

The worst thing I've ever had, and I actually felt like just walking out and just saying to them, this isn't good enough, is when they put, like, a shot brought meringue. It's quite clearly with the lemon under it, and it's just too crunchy. Yeah, it's like, yeah. You get it.

See you later, brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It knows... You're mad at you, aren't you? Yeah, yeah. I just literally pour my drink over it. Unless it's a company with the phrase, I'll see you in court.

I went through a phase in lockdown. I bought a jar of lemon curd out of nowhere. I didn't expect to. And we just occasionally just go to the fridge and just stick my finger in it. And every time it's tasted like a lemon meringue pie to me, I thought this is like lemon meringue pie mixed in a jar. That's what I've got.

I mean, it's not... It's very surprising to me that we've not heard this before, that during the lockdown, you bought a jar of lemon curd and would regularly just go to the fridge, dip your finger in it, and then let you think... I love it. I think about how it was like a lemon meringue pie.

I love the idea of you just leaning on the fridge, just going, oh, that's nice. That's a lot. Yeah, because of course... It is alive. Lemon meringue pies and, you know, the ingredients to make a lemon meringue pie were all banjo in the first go of lockdown,

so you just had to get that hit where you could. Wouldn't it be nice if having a cigarette or sort of drinking... It was more socially acceptable to take a jar of sort of curd out with you. Sort of just run your finger around it and just go, are you all right? I'd be all right with that if everyone went outside to do it.

Yeah. It was smoky there. You want a cigarette? No, I'm just curdding, mate. It sounded a bit of curd. Passion fruit curd is my favourite. Oh, yeah. Oh, passion fruit curd is incredible.

But nothing makes it like a company's meringue and goes hand in hand. It's sweetly as lemon. Yeah. Or sourly as lemon. And do you have anything with your grandmother's lemon meringue pie in the jam fight? No, no, no, no, no.

No ice cream, nothing? No, no, no, no. That's it. It almost... There's nothing that can match up to it. It's like the Muhammad Ali of sort of desserts. Someone else is in the ring, but it's sort of...

It doesn't really matter who that is. So you felt like a meringue still like a lemon? You say that? That's an amazing... That works as well. Yeah, that's good. It actually works. Yeah, yeah.

That actually really works. I didn't think it would. Yeah, it really, yeah. I thought in my head, this will be stupid. Say the stupid thing. No, like a meringue, it's like a lemon.

It's quite good. I'm going to read you your order back. See how you feel about it. You want some ketrin tap water. You want tiger bread with salty butter. Start a French onion soup with a crouton on the top, crouton on the bottom.

Form the place in Bordeaux. Main course, Irish boxy, lamb. Yeah. Side, four bags of scallop potatoes. Yeah. Drink Coke Zero, dessert, your grandmothers, lemon meringue pie. Sweet as it comes.

Feel good about that? You know what? I feel amazing about that. That's lovely. It does sound nice. That'll fill you up as well, that. There's a lot of bread in there. Stick to your...

And you know what? Thank God I've gone with Coke Zero. That's a lot of... Yeah, it's quite a calorific meal. And two courses in a row where it's just sort of like quite thick brown stuff. French onion soup.

French onion soup followed by Irish boxy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of, yeah. And quite a lot of onions in boxy as well. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the fact that's what... That's a belly tapper afterwards, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is that sign of a good meal for you, talking about belly? Oh, yeah. If you ever see me eating out and you're just watching what I'm doing.

Yeah. And if I don't tap my belly at the end of that meal, you know, oh, fucking hell, he's going to be complaining about that. He'll be a trip advisor on the way. So what's the scenario that you put us in there?

So we're at a restaurant and you happen to be in the restaurant as well. We're just watching you. You're eating as well. Oh, we're eating with you, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I come walking in

and I go, James, hey, how are you today? And you're like... Handshake. Yeah, handshake, of course. You know, Kevin, he's... Oh, Kevin's here. Yeah, Kevin's here,

man, handshake to Kev. Yeah. Kev is the rhino, right? Yeah, Kev is the rhino. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tums in. Not a... We're shot, obviously.

Kev is the fucking rhino. Just for the try on his back for the food. He works that? Yeah. Kevin works, though. Okay. Yeah, I'd order you a kind of

Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi H, get him a can of each, which I... Yeah. I'd go and sit on my table. So you're coming in ordering us a drink and sitting on the table?

Yeah. No, you know, like, it's sort of a bowl of wine. I'd go and give him a Coke. Get him a Coke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Diet Pepsi, James. Yeah, yeah, thank you.

Yeah, love you, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Enjoy the rest of your meal. Kevin, look after them. Yeah. I'd then bowl over, yeah. On the table. Yeah.

Cos I'm eating alone and I don't want to infringe on your meal. Uh-huh. And then you'd probably both just sort of, like, oh, see you up to. And I'd sort of at the end

of the meal. If I do this, oh, tap my stomach. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah, and you see me walk around, give a handshake. You know I've enjoyed it.

Yeah. If you see me just look at the plate, sigh a little bit, get up, put my coat on and sort of walk out. Yeah. You know that I've not.

Yeah. I think in that scenario I would rather see you walk out because you've come in so bold as brass. You know, shaking F with his hands,

ordering them drinks, introducing them to the major D as a rhino, sitting down on your own or not even joining anyone because you want to have your dinner on your own and then hating your meal

and then leaving it in silence. It's just pretty a lot more satisfying. It's the idea that we'd be sat in this restaurant watching you, just watching you so intently

and not ignoring the rhino waiter. Yeah. Yeah. That would be the headline for us. The rhino's in the kitchen. Can I get off a bit early?

Yeah. I just think I am amused that that's how you would hand in the whole situation. Going, you met Kev. Yeah. No.

He's not very good. Come, guys. I want to help. Tom, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. We've loved having you here. Thank you, Tom. Thank you for having me.

Well, there we are. What a great venue. What a great chat. What a great guy. Thank you so much, Tom, for coming on. I'm looking forward to watching The Curse.

Yes. Sunday is 10pm on Channel 4, all episodes available to stream on All 4. Well done. Everyone has to do that.

I don't think there's a person in this country who gets to saying what the streaming service for Channel 4 is called and doesn't go

4ID. No. All 4. All 4. All 4. I know you said more 4. Yeah. That's a channel.

It's a whole different channel. Yeah. It's not on that. It's on the channel. And it's not on that channel. No. It's on the channel. It's on the channel.

So, I'm going to watch You, The Curse and do also check out the Wolf & Al podcast. Yes. Tom and Rom, the Tom Ash podcast.

I've just discovered. Yes, it's very, very good. I've learned it exists. It's very fun. Am I actually too busy? How is he doing that? How is he squeezing another podcast?

Absolutely crazy. Pretty incredible. And I'm very glad that Tom didn't say Jack Daniels. Yes. Well, there, blessed relief. Especially because I felt quite risky, you know, making the secret ingredient,

the drink course, because that means they could have got checked out before dessert and that's my favourite. Risky whiskey. Risky whiskey, baby. Risky whiskey, I'm feeling frisky. Whisky business. Let's not forget that I'm on tour as well, doing my show Electric. Ed Gamble.co.uk for tickets. I'm all over the UK. It's a good show. I can say that now. I've started the tour. It's a good show. The reviews are in. No, they're not, actually. No, so we're going to keep that quiet. But it is a regardless of any reviews that are not in. Hey, and thanks to Mo Mo Kombucha, who sent us some booch. Mo Kombucha, Mo Problems. And we actually had a couple, just a couple of lads standing out there swigging a booch. Turmeric's my favourite flavour of the Mo Mo. The ginger Mo Mo. Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, thanks for that. Thanks very much for listening to the Off Menu podcast. We will see you again next week. Goodbye. Sayonara! Hello, I'm Lucy Sanders. And if you've enjoyed this podcast, you might like my podcast, Cuddle Club. It's about cuddling, yes. But really, it's just a way into relationships and asking cheeky questions like who is your mum's favourite and when we last unfaithful. Previous guests include Alan Davies, Ashtonine Bee, Katherine Mayan, Rich Dozman, Ed Gamble, Nish Kumar and other legends. Get it on A-Class, Apple Podcast, Spotify or wherever you get your all podcasts. And remember to CC everybody and if CC stands for Cuddle Club. Hello, it's me, Amy Gledhill. You might remember

me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case. Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off and that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get

me mum on. Get Gledhill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy. Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog you've left it so late. you