Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 142: Morgana Robinson

Episode Date: March 30, 2022

Taskmaster champion and award-winning comedy actor Morgana Robinson is next on the bookings list. But who let the stray dogs out? Morgana Robinson stars in Newark Newark which is on Mondays at 9pm on Gold. Watch here. Follow Morgana on Instagram @morgana_robinson.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the yoghurt of great jokes, tipping in the crispy chocolate-covered bits of two lovely lads, mixing it in with the spoon of the internet and gobbling it all down like a podcast. I don't know if you've done Crunch Corner before. I don't think I have done Crunch Corner before. I feel like you maybe have. I feel like if I'd done Crunch Corner before, I probably did it better than that, because I feel like I really, I mean, I do try and come up with them on the spot. I say try.

I forget every single time that I've got to do it, even though quick peep behind the curtain. We've just recorded an intro for another podcast. I forgot that. And then straight after, I forgot that I had to do it for this one. Yeah, you always forget. You always go, okay, ready? And here we go. And then you go, oh, oh no. Oh, oh, hold on a second. Oh, oh no. Oh, no. I always try and think, yeah. And then you go for it. And why did I do Crunch Corner? I don't know why that came from. I didn't think you'd pick Crunch Corner. There's nothing on the table. I've not had a Crunch Corner since 1997. No. Well, and was that, I mean, that is the best one, I guess, one with the, with the

balls, but like balls. Yeah. But then I also liked the ones that had like Compot. No, I mean, like the Compot. I always felt tricked. I was like, that could all be in the same pot. Yeah, it might as well be. Yeah. I like the ones, I think there's a Bonofi one where the little thing that you poured in had like crumb in it, but also like toffee, Bonofi, you kind of sourcing it. And then you got, you know, really got a town on that one. Maybe, maybe, maybe the yogurt was like banana flavored yogurt, I think. And then you put toffee in like, like, a banana crumb. Banana, Bonofi bitch. So welcome off menu. That's a gamble on the Bonofi bitch. And we're going to invite a guest into our drink restaurant. And we're going to

ask them their favorite ever start a main course dessert side dish and drink. And this week, our guest is Morgana Robinson, Morgana Robinson, wonderful comedian, actor, impressionist, taskmaster champion. Many things. Yes. Very excited to have Morgana on. Really excited. I've loved everything that I've seen Morgana do. Big fan. Looking forward to having it on here. You've really interviewed her for the taskmaster podcast. This is going to be in person, which will be lovely. And she won't be able to do what she did on the taskmaster podcast, which was to go into her wardrobe and pull out a bag of wigs. Okay. Well, she says she won't be able to, but maybe she might have brought the wigs with her. We never know. Very excited to have Morgana

on. She is in a new sitcom called Newark Newark, which is in gold. Yeah, make sure you watch that. Although, Ed, I have to say, look, I'm very excited to have Morgana on. But if she picks a secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be disgusting, then we will kick her out of the dream restaurant. And today's secret ingredient is tinned crab. I've picked this one. I used to eat a lot of tinned crab, James. Yeah, not surprised. Since cat is in my life, I now can't eat tinned fish because it reminds me of the food that we give him because he's a posh little cat. And the food we give him, apparently what you're supposed to give cats, he says it's like all natural food. And he has like tuna with crab, tuna with prawns. And it's literally just like tinned with added

vitamins and stuff. So now if I open a tin of tuna or a tin of crab or something like that, I'm like, it's cat food. And does this shit smell of it? Yeah, well, it's shit. I mean, it's shit's awful. Yes. But so is mine. So I can't complain about that. Yeah, but cat's shit always smells exactly the same as their food. And so I would imagine that would put you off ever eating food again. The only time I've ever been worried that my wife was going to leave me was when she walked into the bathroom because the cat's litter tray is in our bathroom. And I was having a shit on the toilet. It was unholy. And she was like, oh my god. We're like two lads just like both having a shit. I thought she was going to leave you.

Yeah. The closest I've ever felt that she's going to pack a suitcase and go because of the smell. Well, good reason to leave. That'd be funny. She's left me. Why? Well, me and the cat were doing the shit at the same time in the same room. And it was smelled unholy. Well, fair enough. I'll check on her and see how she's doing. That sounds pretty grim. She just took a suitcase, all her clothes in a peg. Well, hopefully Morgana won't say tin to crab anyway. Yeah, hopefully not. Also, maybe we'll kick her out as well as she says that she once had a shit in the same room as a cat. Fair enough. Is that the reason to leave someone? I'm on tour doing my shits all over the UK.

My show is called Electric. EdGamble.co.uk for tickets. It's been a lot of fun so far. Come and join in the fun. You can pre-order my book, James A. Caster's Guide to Quit in Social Media, Being the Best You Can Be and Cuing Yourself of Loneliness, Volume 1. You can pre-order it wherever you get your books. I will be doing that. Thank you, Ed. Now. Send us a free one, though. Yeah, I'll send you a free one. Yeah, cheers, mate. And then you can post about it on social media. Yes, we'll do. Without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Morgana Robinson. Welcome, Morgana, to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you. Thank you. Whoa, okay. Welcome, Morgana Robinson to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.

Now, you said you just wanted to catch the wave. You didn't have any questions about the podcast. Do you know what happened then, just then? I think he burnt himself. You thought I set myself on fire? Was it? Yeah. No. Any more guesses? You just made some tiramisu in your knickers. Interesting. Now, why? What part of that made it look like I did some... Morgana! Yeah, yeah. I kind of tiramisu made them on knickers. Did you always like sliding doors and you've come out, you know, from the back of the restaurant you're walking through? Kind of. That's a bit closer, isn't it? Yeah, a bit closer.

It is a bit closer, you're right, to making tiramisu in your knickers, because that was so off-piste, that everything you say after that. Making tiramisu in my knickers was quite a long way off, but... It's much harder than you think, because you've got to get all the layers. Yeah, yeah, it's quite hard, isn't it? All the sponge fingers in there. Can't look like it's already eaten. I assumed making tiramisu in your knickers was like euphemism for shitting yourself. Yeah, it was, it was, yeah. But you're thinking about the layers of tiramisu. No, the layers of shitting yourself. Yeah, sure.

And the sponge fingers? Yeah, quite. They've got to come out whole, so deal with that. I was being a genie! I'm a genie! Oh, you're a genie! Have you come out of a bottle? Or a gravy boat, or like, you know, something food... No, a bottle. It's Morgana's dream restaurant. Yeah. You've come out of a bottle. Whatever you want me to have come out of. I do like gravy, though. Big fan of gravy. I like my roast. I like it swimming. Yeah. Swimming in gravies, the way it should be. Yeah, would you like a bowl of a... If you're a roast, would you prefer it a bowl than a plate? Yeah, go on then.

Yeah, at least a couple of high sides. Yeah. Yeah. So you can really get the gravy and have it like a soup. Yeah, slightly, yeah. There's never enough gravy, is there? Never! That's why I always... Do you know that you can not always order an extra jar? A jar? Interesting. Because you've already said it's a genie in a bottle, and then asked for an extra jar of gravy. Are all of your vessels all topsy-dovey here? Well, genie in a bottle, that's Natalie and Prulyo, right?

What? Hey, come on. Oh, dear. Oh, Christina Aguilera. Christina Aguilera. I can't believe I just said that. Yeah. I can't believe it. Yeah. Well, I can't believe it. I get what you mixed up, because they're both surnames that sound funny when you say them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny, in a Kettering accent. Yeah. Is that where you're from? Yeah. Where's Kettering? Northamptonshire.

Where's Northamptonshire? East Midlands? Okay. Yeah? Yeah, you can't follow that up as well as the East Midlands. It's in the name. An hour on the train to Derby. Okay, great. Well, you don't have a very strong like... You know, that's the case of the show I did. I had to learn a newer accent in a week. Wow. Why don't you sound like that? Well, in Kettering, we're kind of... Everyone's accents are quite, you know,

we all speak quite lazily in different ways. But when I started doing stand-up, when I was an open mica, people couldn't understand me sometimes. Oh, so you had it thrashed out at you. So I had to like learn to enunciate more. By hecklers. And I was like, well, you know, like, I say Kettering now because people know that I'm from Kettering.

But at the time I was open mica, I'd say Kettering as clear as clear as I could. Kettering? Kettering. Yeah, and that's the thing. Then they would say Kettering to me afterwards and go, I thought you said... You had Kettering. And I was like, oh no, I didn't say that. And they were disappointed that you didn't have Kettering. Yeah. They really like, you know...

Let everyone down. Let people think, oh, this is going to be brilliant. This open mica's got Kettering on him. All the other comics have been shit. But this guy said it was drugs on. No, he's another shit one. What's the newer accent then? Why didn't I ever just even brought that up?

No, you shouldn't have, but we've got, you know... Oh, it's a pit. It's like a pinched O. Oh my God. Oh my God. And they say things like, don't go out. Don't go out with that coat on because you get code. So this is Newark, Newark. Yeah. A new sitcom. New sitcom. Situation comedy.

Gold you're in. Sexy or gold. What can you tell us about Newark, Newark? Well, it's very funny. Yeah. It's very stupid. Great. It's about a middle-aged lady, very sexy, who has a son and he's just come out.

And there's lots of crazy characters and kind of a funny mess. That sells it to me, I think. A funny mess. I'm a boy with that. Funny mess, yeah. That's how we describe what everyone makes to them assuming my knickers. That's how I describe it. It's a lovely, funny mess.

Talking of accents, don't move on. Where are you from, though? Well, I was born in Australia. So there you go. What? I know. So I came over here when I was like three. So I don't, I'm very angle-sized, but my whole family sound like that.

We're like, you know, proper sort of redneck, country-victory Australians. You know, it's very sort of, you know, neighbours or whatever. Because obviously you're very good at voices anyway, because that's, you know, part of your job. You can slip into various characters. That's just my auntie, though, yeah. But is that easier for you to reach for? Because even though you're only there for a few years?

It's very familiar. Yeah, it's very familiar. Yeah, because I have to switch on the phone all the time, don't I? Have you always been able to do voices? Because I'm something of a, I like to try. And I can't really do them very well. James is obsessed with people who can do accents. Do you want me to teach you one?

Yeah. OK, why don't you, Ed, give us an example of an accent? Well, shall I give you an example of one that I love James do? No, you don't have to give, no, you can teach him. Shrek, he does Shrek. Go on then. What do you want Shrek to talk about? Shoes.

So Shrek's got a new pair of shoes, maybe. Yeah, that'd be lovely. Really nice new pair of shoes, and he loves them so much. Oh, I'm trying out these new shoes. Oh, they're so nice. Don't get, don't get, come on, give me my shoes. I'm putting my shoes on. Ah, those are some good shoes.

Ah, I don't wear them all the way. Happily ever after. Shrek. That's extraordinary. Thank you, thank you. So where would you start, maybe, if there was any pointers that you could give James and maybe improve it, if it can be improved indeed?

Um, I would just, I just move on to the next one. Try and new attempt. But yeah, the best way is if you, if you've just, if you know someone with a, with a Glasgow accent, just sidle up. Yeah. Enjoy the ride. I mean, Mike Myers, you know, he's Canadian, doing like a Scottish accent that a lot of Scottish people,

they don't appreciate the voice he does in Shrek. So maybe they would prefer mine, because I'm just at least making, you know, I'm not even making fun of it. I'm genuinely, I'm genuinely trying every time I do that. I'd like to think that Scottish people would appreciate my one more than his one. I think so.

It's got more potential or something. Yeah, a lot of potential. Yeah, a lot of potential, 100% potential. It's almost, yeah, it's almost, yeah, it's nothing but potential there. Yeah. We always start with still or sparkling water, my God. Oh, sparkling. Yeah.

Yeah. Not even thinking about the still. No, if I'm out, if I'm out. Yeah, yeah. If I'm out, I'll go fucking sparkling all the way. Yeah. Just because it feels fancier? Yeah, it feels a bit, you know, like you feel a bit bubbly,

you feel a bit zingy, puts a spring in your step. So are you feeling bubbly before you have the sparkling water, or are you feeling not bubbly, and then you have the sparkling water, and then you're feeling bubbly? And then I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready to masticate after that. You're ready to go. Yeah.

Perfect. You both won Taskmaster. Yes. Fucking hell, yes, we did. Yeah, we both won it. Have you done it? Yeah. You didn't win.

You didn't even know I did it. Morgana vibe stuff, we know this. What? Yeah, I did it. Yeah, do you have a nice time? Yeah? I had a nice time. You became second bottom.

Were you in the same? No, no, no, no, no, we weren't in the same one. I would have loved that. Yeah, it wouldn't have been that. Yeah. I'd have thrashed him. No, you wouldn't. You became second bottom in your...

Yeah, but I was like, my one, we're going to understand more, Morgana. Second bottom. Morgana, what you're going to understand about my one is that any of us on my one, if we'd been on another series, we would have won. That's not true. We were really good.

Oh, I see. So, like, if I was on Ed's one, I would have won it. That's not true. I mean, Matt and I were second bottom on my one. Obviously, you know, Morgana, I did the Taskmaster podcast and we regularly interview someone called Jack Bernhardt, who is a comedy writer and also a Taskmaster obsessive and has done spreadsheets for every single possible scenario.

Oh, my God. And I beat James... That's handy, isn't it? I beat James in every single possible scenario. No, I don't think that. I don't know who the dweeb is. I'm always like top five in all of them, and James is like bottom third of the table.

I don't know who this dweeb is, who you've been talking to on the Taskmaster podcast, but, like, I can guarantee you that's not true. That wouldn't work. If I was given your tasks, I would have, like, been number one. Do you think so? What was your favourite task? What did you excel at most?

I re-enacted a computer game. Did Grand Theft Auto. I was very convinced. He's really chuffed with that. Yeah, and you know what? That was the one he did well at. Yeah. Was it? Yeah.

What about you, Morgana? When I painted myself green and I sat in a bath and I was a mermaid, that was really fun. That was good. See, actually, yeah, so this crossover there, one of my best tasks was dressing Alex up like a mermaid and putting funnel boobs on him and spraying a hose out of one of them,

so he was a water feature. I saw that somewhere. Probably on the news where they said the best task has happened. It's been arrested. It's been arrested for taping up this poor mermaid. For the uniboo. For the uniboo mermaid, yeah. I guess.

If you were going to be a mermaid again, would you want to be in sparkling water? You fuck, yeah. Yeah? Yeah, that's, yeah. It's quite decadent, isn't it? Do you want a wedge of lemon or any ice in your sparkling water?

Yeah, are we in somewhere hot? Where do you want the dream restaurant to be? I want it to be on the beach. Does everyone say that? I want it to be on the beach, don't they? No, not at all. I don't imagine everyone wanted to be on the beach. Sometimes people don't question the location of it.

Oh, I don't know. I need to set the scene. So I was thinking like a little place in Italy somewhere on the shore. Love it. And some old geezer. You're the waiter, aren't you? Yes.

Okay, so your dad's the old geezer and he owns it or whatever. And it's all quite like family, you know, family run. That'd be nice. So you want an old geezer to run it? I want the old geezer to run it, sort of win cat me every now and again.

Mamma mia. You're throwing it on, but yeah. Mamma mia, that's my dad. Exactly, that kind of thing. Well, and the mamma mia is your mum. And they send you like three lemon cellos and stuff like that. Yeah.

So you want to be sort of lightly harassed? Lightly harassed by the locals. Yeah. Just to keep my spirits up. And sort of feel that I've still got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, I can hear some waves and shit. Yeah.

You know, the sand in the toes. That kind of vibe. I thought you were setting yourself up for like a little rhyme there. Sand in the toes, anything goes. Something like that. I thought I was what you were saying. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, maybe I could start it and you can always finish it. Yeah, but you keep setting rhymes up. If I just, yeah. I have the perfect catchphrase for like, you know, a kind of like slightly bawdy act, but not quite.

Well, I'll start it. You could always finish it. Yeah. Yeah. I'll always finish any catchphrase you want to throw out there, Morgana. Thank you. And you're going to be sent

lemon cellos for the whole meal. Yeah, cool, then. Yeah. Just keep it coming. In for penny, in for pounds. It's normally the, it's nothing. Yeah, it's the end, isn't it? When you get there.

Always nice to be around. I love a lemon cello on holiday. Only on holes, yeah. Have you ever tried to have a lemon cello just in England? Just a roof of your mouth off. It was awful. My mum tried, made some homemade.

Brilliant. A homemade batch. It was like, I mean, I'm sure if you could run a car on it, it was aggressive. How did she make it? I don't know, but there's, it's really, she's, you've got to be really careful. There's like, like, is it ethanol?

Am I making this up now? Pop it up as well, bread! Pop it up as well, bread, Morgana! Pop it up as well, bread! Fucking bread! For culture. Yeah. I'm in Italy now.

So, yeah. So do you, do you want James the Genie Waiters to bring it over? Or do you want his sort of cheeky dad? No, I do, I want him, I would do that. Right, okay, yeah, yeah. Right, right, you'll bring it over. So what's the, what's the dad,

what's the old dad doing now? He's like whistling or something, isn't he? And whistling and just winking, I think. Is he sort of in the restaurant, or is he just sat on the beach as well, or is he in the sea maybe with tiny little trunks on? Yeah, maybe it's with, just with his feet in the water. Listening to his Walkman.

His Discman. What's he listening to? I don't know, Kylie. Yeah. Right, so he's listening to Kylie, like all old Italian men. He's sat on the beach just whistling and winking at you. You're whistling and winking, yeah.

Are you all fine with that? Yeah, throwing your clam at my head. Yeah, yeah. That's the kind of thing. Getting you? Or missing? Just, just miss me by a bee stick. Yeah, yeah, nice phrase.

I think you've got a lot of good phrases more going on, because something you said to me on the Taskmaster podcast, people mentioned to me a lot. I was saying something, I went off on a rant about something, and you told me to take my foot off the cunt pedal. Wow.

Did you leave that in? Yeah. Of course we did. It's great. I love it. It is a good one, isn't it? I've used it since, only on myself, though. Oh no, yeah, feel free to use it.

Are these all Australian phrases? No, that one I learned off Matt Berry, actually. Right. Oh, yeah, cool. You need to let your foot off the cunt pedal. He's a funny fucker. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, that's how he talks. Yes. So this guy's sat in the sea, winking, listening to Kylie. Yeah, and the sun's going down, but it's still like, you can still see everything. It's really what's like, well twinkly. Yeah.

Yeah, and maybe some stray cats and shit. Keep it real. Do you like that holiday with stray cats? Of course I do. No, no, stray dogs. Stray dogs. Yeah, I've always, by the end of it, have like three pets.

Yeah, see, I hate that. Do you? It's not for everyone. Especially when we're eating dinner, I'm like, get away, guys. I don't know, it was shingles or something. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, if they don't have all their limbs,

it's a bit off-putting, but... Yeah. How many limbs? Do you want the full set, or are you okay with just one missing? Oh, just with one, just hops about. You're just... That one missed it, I'll say. Yeah, that's fine.

That's fine. Yeah, that'll be the one I want to save. What's your ideal stray pet around a restaurant table on holiday? Doesn't have the full amount of limbs, or one with an extra limb? Oh, like a nubbin. Yeah. Has it got toes, or is it fully developed

the fifth one? No, I think maybe just like almost, it's on their way to being... Like a pigeon's foot or something. Yeah, like a pigeon's foot. No, no, no. You don't want that. That's the worst one.

Yeah, yeah. Three max for legs. Four max. What if it was walking around just on two legs like a person, but with, you know, no friends? No, no, no, no. I'm starting to think about going next door to the other restaurant. What about a bow tie on it?

It's like a little, you know, a little weighted dog. Okay, that's quite cute. Yeah. What if the little weighted dog trots over to bring you your focaccia, and then the focaccia comes up and it's on a little extra pigeon's foot that's on the side. How are you feeling about that?

How much do you like focaccia? Yeah. I love the way you look to Bonita there, as if to say, get me out of this. Yeah, who is this? What's going on? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, I mean, I'll find just for today.

Okay. Like, I am, I'm quite game. Yeah, okay. You don't have to have the pigeon foot. I was just testing how much you like focaccia, whether you'd still eat the focaccia if it was handed by a little pigeon nubbin on the side of a dog. Is it, has the nubbin touched the focaccia?

Yeah, it's grasping the focaccia. Oh, isn't, so that's how it's like cl- cl- clasping it. Yeah, it's a pick that. So that means, at least give us a scenario that someone might pick. But I'm saying, if a little pigeon's foot is clasping, loves focaccia, if the little pigeon foot presents at me with my favourite bread,

I'd probably go, thank you very much, and I'd just tear off the corner that the pigeon foot nubbin touched. Yeah. That's sensible. Yeah. What? And you give that to the pigeon.

And you give that to the pigeon. It's not a pigeon as a dog, but... Oh, okay, well, you give that to the dog. The dog with the pigeon foot nubbin, yeah. As a, like, little tip. Yeah, that would be lovely. Yeah. That's sweet.

So do you want that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What? Yeah, I want that. Yeah? Yeah.

How do we get to, yeah? Yeah. Okay. Well, you can have that if you want. What other breads are there? Well, all the breads in the world. Really? Yeah, any bird you want.

No, I'm going to stick with pigeon focaccia. The dream starter. Well, I thought of something like tuna tartare or something. Yeah. Fresh. Clean. Lots of citrus. Yeah.

Maybe a little sesame snap on the side. That's nice. What, like the ones you're buying? No, not the ones you get when you were a kid and, you know, when you asked for something sweet and your mum gave you that. Who's buying those? Who is buying those sesame snacks?

Wow. Don't tell me. My mum, my mum, I used to get them all the time. Really? The ones in the little yellow packets. Apparently, that was a pudding. Oh, my God. I know.

So, they still sell them in corner shops and they've got dust on them because no one's buying them. Is it just you buying that? I'm going to be honest. I never had them as kids, as a kid ever. As kids. James used to be four kids. As kids.

I used to be a number of kids and it's a long story about how I came to be a single man I am now, but we all joined forces anyway. I went for a phase like a few years ago, but I was in the shop, I was buying something else, probably a Diet Coke or something. Yeah. And as I was buying it,

looked at the sesame snap support, I've never had them. I've seen them my whole life. I've never had them. I'm just going to buy what I thought was delicious. They are quite, yeah. I went for a phase of having them every time I was in those shops, eat it on the way to a gig, give myself a bit of, you know. Biver Boost.

Yeah, a bit of Vavavum for the gig. Yeah. See, if they repackage themselves as they give you Vavavum, yeah, I would buy them. Yeah, yeah, on me. Pop a little, pop a sesame snap in. Yeah. Here we go.

Vavavum. But it's one of those things in shops that I just never buy. Well, I'm thinking of more like sort of Japanese, like a sort of... Almost like a twill, like a thin sort of sesame twill. Thank you, like a crispy, like an airy, like a butter melt in the mouthy sort of sesame snappy thing. Texture and, yeah.

Not those little bricks, those little angry, sweet, nutty asshole bricks. Yeah, meaty asshole bricks. Nutty asshole bricks. Nutty asshole bricks, sorry. No, I know what you mean. I know what you mean. Just like little bricks.

You can break your teeth on those things, yeah. Especially the ones you're talking about with the dust on, because they've all like glued together in there. Yeah, losing your teeth to the opposite of Vavavum. Yeah, yeah, that's not very Vavavum, is it? Nanavum. Yeah, nananana. Padavum.

That's padavum. Padavum. Chinatata. Yes, please. You regularly have that? Is that one of your favourite dishes? It is one in my local Italian. Do they know that?

When you come in, do they know? Oh, Winky knows, yeah. Is there a Winky in your local Italian? Oh, there's a Winky everywhere! Is there? Do you not have a Winky everywhere? No, we're a different experience, I think. Is it?

When we go into an Italian restaurant. Maybe you might find that a bit creepy if I'm Winking at you. No, no, I wouldn't. I can believe it. I'd welcome it. I'd welcome it, but they're not interested in Winking at me. The less teeth, the better. Yeah.

Yeah. For them or you. Oh, Jesus, that's the... Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, dear. Sorry, I'm so sorry. All my teeth.

Yeah, exactly, yeah, but... I did chip this one, though. Oh, that says me snap. No, I was so drunk, I don't know how I chipped it, but I just woke up with a sort of light. I've got... This is fake, this corner of my tooth. Where were you the night you chipped your tooth? Let's see if we can do to where's my car this.

Yeah, Ed is Ashton Kutcher. Yeah. And I am sure... I mean, I was in Soho, and that's all I can give you. And then I just woke up with half my tooth missing. Matt Berry was around. Let's blame it on Matt. I can only tell that Matt Berry was around when this happened.

Yeah. I bet he was around. Yeah, I must have, like, chipped it on his tash or something. Yeah, yeah. I've chipped my tooth. I've got a crown here now. Have you? Because I used to think it was cool to open.

Bottles of beer with my teeth. That is quite cool though, isn't it? Do you think it is? If you're a pirate. And if you're a 16-year-old girl, you think it's quite cool. Do you? Yeah, that's the kind of thing would have been that. They didn't think it was cool.

Did they not? If you knew Morgana, that would have gone quite well, by the sound of things. Yeah. But Morgana also likes men with no teeth winking at her, so... You can't have both. You can't have both. Just me opening bottles of beer,

all my teeth falling out, desperately winking at you. You've got very good teeth, actually, haven't you? They're solid now, they're fine, but they're all fake. So what happened? So we do, was it mid-crackle? Yeah, it like, because you've got to get the tooth over the bottle cap,

and then you push it down like that, and it just took a chunk off. And then you would have thought, I would have sorted that out. I just started doing it on the other side. Oh, my vagina's going weird. Yeah. Yeah.

I can't tell you. I'm sure, I don't know, maybe what willies do when you hear weird things like that, but it just took a bit of a walk back in. They go back. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Mine's going all haywire, like a little piggy tail.

Is it curly? It's going curly. It's going, it's looping the loop. As you get older, it's getting curly as you get older. No, just when I heard that story. No, I see. Yeah, yeah, it was all normal.

And then Ed told that story, and it started going, what? God, it'd be such a nightmare if they got curlier as they got older. Yeah, that would be bad, wouldn't it? Oh, you know what? Ageing's like you find gray hair,

and then when you find the first loop in your dick. Yeah. Oh, no. So there is a winky in your Italian restaurant. Yeah. So he's winking at you. Does he know when you sit down to bring you the tartare?

He's going to bring me the menu first. And I can always like to have a little peruse, you know, and I like, because I like to take it all in. It kind of gets me in the mood. But even though deep down, you know. Oh, I know where I'm going.

I know where I'm heading. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you go through the sort of ritual of pretending to yourself that you might pick something else? Yeah, yeah, oh, I might. Calamari might be nice. But have you seen my octopus teacher?

Yeah. I can't eat anything with tendrils now. Because of that. Yeah, it really broke my heart. It's so romantic, wasn't it? Kind of, but then also not. When they hugged at the end. Well, James has got a theory.

What? I don't know if I had a theory about it. I just think, you know, Attenborough's got his rule of don't interfere. Right? Stand back, don't interfere, let it happen. Octopus teacher, man, goes completely into fears,

becomes his friend, playing with it all the time, then the shark comes along, and then he goes, oh, the Attenborough, I'm going to leave you to get fucking eaten now, by a shark, and have this shit kicked out of you.

Because he's too afraid to, you know, oh, we'll be buddies, and basically I'll get you all tame and trusting, so that, you know, like that, so that you're absolutely easy pickings for a shark. And then the shark comes along, and he just films it getting battered. I don't think that's romantic.

I thought you told me you wanted to fuck the octopus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was pretty hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never seen it because I like eating octopus, and everyone I've spoken to. Yeah, don't fucking do it. I've ruined my life.

Yeah, so I really like eating octopus, so rather than watch it and change my mind, stick your head in the sand. Yeah, head in the sand. Loads more documentaries out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Exactly, yeah.

Your dream main course? I was thinking Vongole. Yeah? Yeah, Spaghetti Vongole, please. And is this because the man sat on the beach is throwing clams at you? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, got me in the mood. Yeah, so he's suggesting things by chucking them at your head, basically. Yeah. Yeah. Vongole comes up a surprising amount, I'd say. Harry Hill chose it as his dream main course. Kindred Spirits in a way.

You and Harry Hill. I thought so, that's where I like that. Do you not think? Yeah. Similar vibes. I'm happy about that. We used to live in Whitstable as well. Lovely.

Where was the best place to eat in Whitstable? There's a place called The Sportsman, which is very nice. What kind of food? Modern British on the side. Yeah. This Vongole. Yeah.

Vongole. Vongole. Do you want to share it with Harry Hill? Yeah, fuck yeah. Yeah. I'll share it with him. We've not checked with him that that's okay. Hey, what could you have to,

could I have to come up with something else? No, God, no, no, no. We were just saying, would you, if you were having Vongole, do you want your own portion, or do you mind sharing? No, no, I'm not sharing. Oh, fuck that.

No, no, no, no. No, I eat like a man. I've got to eat like, and I like a big, I eat a lot of pasta. Yeah. How often are you eating pasta? Three times a week. That's a lot.

That's a lot. That's a lot of pasta. Are you burying up the dishes? How, what, you mean the sauces, and then the shapes? Yeah, sure. But yeah, this is the general pasta. What, the shapes and the sauces?

Yeah, yeah, I'm burying that. The shapes and the sauce. Yeah, I'll do, yeah. And, you know, what you're putting in, what pasta dishes are you having? So, let's go back to them. This guy's really weak. Okay.

I did like a really nice one with like a spinach and arse jokes. That was nice. Nice. What shape, pasta? Spaghetti. Yes. And then I did like a,

a rigatoni one with like sausages and sage, but they were not sausages. They were vegetarian sausages. And tomatoes and fennel seed. Very nice. Lovely. A lot of basil. Oh, yeah, like a seafood one.

Yeah. And prawns and loads of like lemon zest. How many shapes of pasta do you have in your house at any given moment? Oh my God, I'd probably say about seven at the moment. Really? Seven? Yeah. I don't think I could even name

that many shapes of pasta. Yes, you can. Come on, let's go. Penne. Come on in. Penne. Yeah. Thank you.

Spaghetti. Yeah. Linguini. Yes. Fusilli. This one, this one. No, I'm not, I'm not looking. I want to do it properly.

I want to do the game properly. You don't win Taskmaster by taking help from other people. It's lasagna sheets. Yes, it's lasagna. Lasagna, yeah, cannelloni. You can say that, yeah. Oh, that's good.

I'll say that next. Angel hair. Yes. Fuffale. Oh, that's action manbo tide. That's what I was doing for you. I was trying to help you. Oh, right, okay.

Tagliatelli. Tagliatelli. Yeah. Oh, good one. Uh-oh. That might be indeed trouble here. I said it a minute ago when I was talking about the sausage bun.

Here's the thing as well. Like, I make a regular pasta, my chorizo broccoli pasta, and I make it with a pasta that I don't even know the name of it. We get the same pasta every time because it's the best one to go with chorizo broccoli pasta. Do you do lunchies, peas and chili?

No. We do it chili. Chili, garlic, capers. Sexy. Thank you. I've got two lined up ready to go. Yeah, I can only get no pressure. There's a task master champ.

So absolutely, absolutely. He's shredded me here. You're going to come bottom last again. Oh, no. Bottom last. He said bottom last. Second bottom, I came, and it will be the same again

because Benito's bottom. The last time you had a second bottom was when you were many kids. Yeah. I had four bottoms. Oh, I don't, I think I'm out. Come on. There's only the other pasta.

We're going to give up. Macaroni. Yeah, there you go. It's happening. Macaroni. Macaroni for me. Well done, Macaroni. But the feather is that golden Macaroni.

Orzo. Oh, nice. What? Orzo, looks like little rice. Looks like rice. Orecchietti. Oh, no. Yeah, the little rice.

Because it's straight back now. Because each of my ones lined up. So I didn't even get... This is the genius of this game. I came up for air for like two seconds, and now that's it. Oh, come on. You were so smug.

You were so smug. Think of like, you know, when like, when you, angel hair, I was really smug with that. Angel hair. I've got them here. I've got them here. Because I was like, you were struggling. So I was like, well, this game's going to last

like one more round. So I've got angel hair, and then I'm out. I didn't know I was going to have to do more. And you checked out, didn't you? Yeah, I did check out. But even now that I'm in, also what's annoying about it is that I tried to, I tried to go I'm out, and then I told I can't go out.

You was like, no. So now I'm trapped in this game. I got three lined up. Yeah, yeah, I've got three lined up, have you? I've got, I've got, I've got a few at my sleeve. What? Uh-huh. How is this happening?

He's sweating, he's sweating. He normally likes guessing games. He looks, he looks really actually quite worried. For Flazy. For Flazy. I'm not sure for Flazy. For Flazy. Yes, bonito.

He's on the Wikipedia. For pasta. How are you spelling for Flazy? F-E-R-F-L-E-Z-I. Nothing. Let's go with zero. Oh, you've got a... I'll beat Dave Gorman.

I'm done. Do you want to hear my last ones that I have? Yeah, yeah, go. Buccatini. Nice. Buccatini. Buccatini. On the MGs.

The big, thick spaghetti. Ravioli, I thought we could throw that in. Oh, hello. Oh, fuck's sake. You haven't even thought of you haven't gone down the path. I know, I know, I know. Strozapreti. Yeah, the little ripped bit.

Strangled priest, that means. What, that's one of the banties. Head, I've got a ride on. Is that another pasta? Yeah, meaty dishes only. We're not going to put this bit in, are we? We're going to do this bit now. Yeah, our listeners love this kind of stuff.

Do they, they're disgusting. Oh, okay, great. You just got to speak your truth, Morgana. They love it. I generally do anyway, I don't know. Try and keep it hidden away, but it just comes out. Like an angry gremlin. Did we say Papa Deli?

No, I don't think we did. No, we didn't, did we? That's all the cut, the like different. Those are the fatties. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The fatties, thin and fat. And then I thought of Stelina, those tiny little ones that you put in, in the Minestrone, yeah.

Oh, yeah, lovely. Yeah. Loads, you missed out on loads, James. You look gutted, mate. Well, you know, I was running my mouth off earlier about I'd just win in any game of, you know, but if we were all on Taskmaster together and it was named as many pastas, I'd be bottoming the task.

Which they would do as a studio task. Yeah, I'd be bottoming the task there. I don't mind Vongole, but when it arrives and all the shells are in there, that feels like admin to me. I love a bit of seafood admin. Give me a crab, give me a claw, fucking smash that bitch up. Honestly, I'm getting in there. No stone is left unturned.

I'll be there for hours, actually. And I'm really sorry and it's embarrassing and people will stare and I don't care. It's like the scene out of Splash, you know, when she just like takes a chunk out of the lobster in the restaurant. So you just really take your time. Oh, I go caveman.

Yeah. Yeah, fully caveman. You love the shells. I suck it all like. You wouldn't like like tinned crab or canned crab or anything. Get out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the old guy, he's sat on the beach now.

Yeah, he's smoking now. Is he smoking now? He's so bored of watching you do seafood admin, is he? He's made the biggest joint of all time. Oh, a joint? Yes, yeah, it's a joie. This is my dad, my Italian dad. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Now he's stoned off his nut. Yeah, that's very typical of your dad, actually, of course. But he's spot on, yeah. And then the band's just arrived. What band's playing? I don't know some local types with like horns and drums and stuff. Yeah.

So it's your dream meal and you're happy to roll the dice on some local time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to just choose your favourite band? No way, Jose. No, no, I want to taste all the delicacies of the surroundings. It's amazing that in your dream meal, I think you've picked all of the aspects of holiday meals

that I hate. Have I? Stray cats. Yeah. A winking old man. I said dogs, actually. Stray dogs. Stray animals.

Winking old man who's been a bit weird around all the women. A local band who play despite you wanting them to play or not. And in a minute, I'd imagine someone's going to come over and try and sell you some roses. Yeah. No. Hey, hey, back off. But you draw the line?

I'm drawing the line of roses. You're drawing the line of roses. Fair enough. Good. Yeah, maybe a conk. What? A conk, a conk shell. You know the ones I really need to see.

Yeah, yeah, up on the conch. I think it is actually conk. I think it's conk. Shit, so we're with two of us who are saying conk. But I know that the shell, that is... But we want Taskmaster, so we see we're probably right. You want Taskmaster, so you might be right. You said shellpasta earlier, and it's con...

What, is conky, conky elegy or something? Is the shellpasta? Wow. How do you feel about that, Dave? Shellpasta shells. I feel pretty bad. It feels pretty bad. Pasta and sauce.

Yeah. I would agree with Ed that the food you've picked sounds delicious, but the setting is the worst we've ever had on the podcast. Probably. Yeah. Are you joking? I was waiting for some sort of Topless England fans to run across the beach.

No, no, no, no. Is Sky Sports on the TV? No, it is not. No, it is not. No, this is like a little local little sort of like... It's a little, you know, a tiny little... The beach is about that big. Yeah.

Which is about the size of my cranium. So you're sitting on a beach the size of your own cranium. Maybe a bit bigger. But like, you know, and it's all friendly, and like you have to maybe like walk down some rocks to get there, that sort of thing. Yeah. No, I think that sounds idyllic.

I think the band and the stray animals and the winking old man would really... The band is like a really good cover of Toxic by Britney Spears. Okay. So, okay. I'm confused now. Been in Italian accent. Yeah, but they're not singing it in Italian.

They're singing it in English. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it sounds awful. It's still... It's pretty bad. Yeah. But it's like, it's entertaining. What's your spaghetti technique?

Just twizzle. Are you twizzling? Twizzle, shovel it in, and then bite off whatever's sort of splashing about. Yeah, they're little, yeah. I'm not a sucker in it. No, you're not sucking. I'm not a lady in the tramp.

How do you feel about people who chop their spaghetti up with a knife and fork and then eat the little bits? Pretty furious. Not answering the question. It's down the back of their head. I used to work in restaurants. I worked in restaurants for eight years. Well, how's this only come up now?

Yeah. Didn't that one have them? I don't know what I thought. There'll be a time and place for it now, and that's why I gave you this. What sort of restaurants did you use to work in? So I used to, the first one I worked in was a place called West Street, closed down.

And then the second place was a place called The Avenue, and then I used to work at Rocker. Do you know Rocker on Charlotte Street? Posh Sushi. Posh Sushi. And that's where I met my agent. Is it? Yeah.

When you were working there? You opened your own doors. Yeah, I was working there. I was the door hall, so I'd take you to your table, and so, you know. So in that case, they specifically weren't opening their own doors, right? You were opening everyone's door.

Every, I was the door. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was the entrance. You were the entrance. Yeah. Did they sign you based on your job there? No, so basically what I did was, so John Noel, he used to come in at lunchtime a lot.

He was lovely, and he was my favourite, and I'd always get my nice table and that kind of thing. And then I made my own show reel. Yeah, it was absolutely appalling. Was that doing impressions and characters and that sort of stuff? Yeah. You look really worried about it,

but it seemed to have paid off. I'm just hoping it never gets leaked. So I was like... They got you an agent. Couldn't it be bad? Yeah. It was appalling. Well, why did he sign you?

No, I'd probably get cancelled. Oh, okay. Yeah, and I sent it to loads of like, lovey agents, and obviously no one got back to me. So, but I did a sculpture degree before then, so I was like, untrained, didn't really know what to do. Yeah, and then I made my own show reel, and I gave it to him, and then he signed me.

Did you present it as if it was like, one of the dishes. On a plat. On a platter. Frooom. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't, I'd never been able to do stuff like that.

How did you, how did you crowbar your way in? Just gigging, people saw me, meeting people, but I would never have, I would never have had the confidence. How do you get on the circuit? You're just asked for gigs and stuff. Were you not absolutely petrified? Yeah, still am. Are you?

Roommate my entire life. Oh mate, really? I wasn't. Well he's come out, he's come out, all right. But when you're younger, you're more confident, I think. You tend to make those decisions. I feel like I've been somewhere when I go to Chessington, like, when I was a kid, I fucking go,

come on, then, I was going far. Was it literally getting me on the back end of the galley and now? Yeah. So I can spit at everyone. Now, I'm like, oh, teacups. Yeah. The fear does same, doesn't it? No chance of going on the Romances of Revenge now. No, I just snapped my neck.

God, do I mean? If I don't sleep on my pillow every night, it's like I've fallen out of a 50-story building. Are you taking your pillow with you? I show my pillow everywhere. Do you? Oh, I show my pillow everywhere. My pillow comes with me. I mean, no, it's not here.

But I mean, yeah, if I could... I would have noticed if you'd walked in here with your pillow. Yeah, with a pillow. It comes travelodge with me. It comes wherever I want. It's specific to my weird... Look at how long my neck is, look. Yeah, it's really long.

It's a really fucking long neck. And it needs as much support as it can get. Sure. I can't sleep on planes. Like, I have to get two of those things. Oh, so you have to double stack the travel do. Double stack. I'm a double stacker.

And even then, there's like an inch there. And I'm just... And all I am is I'm on a long haul of, like, just crying my fucking tits off. Well, so all the other fucking cunts asleep. Yeah, all the short nights. It really winds me up. And then I'll drink, like, eight bottles of red wine.

And then take a sleeper. And then do something weird in my sleep. Have you done that? What would it be? Have you ever been woken up by the hair hostess? Oh, no. Oh, I'm so sorry. You were saying some weird things in your sleep.

I was like, oh, God. Was that bad? Did I tell you what? Do you know what you were saying? Yes, I do know. I found out because the guy next to me couldn't wait to tell me. Brilliant. Yeah. Go on.

You fucking call you cheating, you fucking asshole! Your dream side dish, Morgana? I mean, I was going to go for a salad. It's a bit boring, but it's what I would do. I'm just trying to be authentic. Is it your favourite? And normally what happens is, because I don't eat cheese, I'll go, hi, can I get the rocket parmesan salad

without the parmesan? Yes, I'm a cunt. And then... Uh-huh. Is that your dream side dish, or is it what you just normally order? If this is your absolute dream, whatever you want, you can have a bowl of cereal if you want,

but anything, whatever you want is a side dish. Maybe I'll go some grilled prawns then, or something. I'm staying, I'm by the sea. Oh, those little bastards, those little fried courgettes. Let's get some of those. Oh, yeah, like a zucchini, zucchini, fruity. Yes.

Yeah, fuck you, let's get some of that. Oh, with the like... See, I'm two glasses of wine in now, and I'm pouring it all the sides. Just to let the listener know, Morgana hasn't had two glasses of wine, but she's fully gone into character as someone who has had two glasses of wine,

saying things like, zucchini, fruity, fuck it. Yeah, exactly. And this is sort of like the deep fried stuff. The deep fried stuff. Yeah, they're great. They're so good. Yeah, so crispy. Yeah, they're good.

Because they're so good. I love them. I prefer them to chips. I think they're a good alternative. Thank you. You're less full, but they're still a cheeky-greasy treat. Yeah, cheeky-greasy treat. I think whenever they're on the menu,

I'll order them instead of chips. But if they were on every single menu, and I always order them, I'd miss chips. So I love both. Hey, I'm a chips boy, and I'm a zucchini, fruity, fuck it, boy. You're two kids. But yeah, two kids.

Two brothers. But like, I'd say that I like that they're not on every menu, and that they pop up every now and again. And whenever they are, make sure you get them. Yeah, well, I will do. And I'm happy I've changed that. What's happening in your piece of shit restaurant right now during the meal, when the size has come?

Oh, fuck, Hendo's just eating. Yeah. So, yeah. Are you good on a Hendo? Do you like Hendo's? Fuck off. I mean, I won't, I'll be working. I don't know how you show people what I'm doing. I think the way you said it would.

I think if you say fuck off before, I think it that, then the consequences. I'll be seriously ill. Apart from like people I have to go to. Yeah. And then what's your vibe? If you have to go and you're there because you have to be, what's your vibe on the Hendo? What role are you fulfilling?

The miserable bitch. And I don't make me pin anything onto anything and don't blindfold me and just, oh, God. Do you not think, oh, I could just like, maybe I'll just do like a character that is someone who loves Hendo's. Maybe I'll get through the night by just acting like a typical someone on a hen

and then that other mews myself, you know. That's quite a nice idea. Entertain him for yourself. Did you never think when you were on your last tour, James, to do the character of someone who enjoyed doing stand-up? Well, a bit too much laughter there. No, I'm not a character. Morgana is a master of...

You don't think you're in Josh? I was in modern Josh, mate. Yeah. James was a mouse in the Cinderella film, Morgana. So, I don't know. You knew you were in such a... Have you heard of John the Mouse? A lot of Oscar buzz about it now. Is he like Stuart Littlecunt, but different? Yeah, well, I mean, I don't...

The reason I call him Stuart Littlecunt is because I had one in my house and he was really sweet. We were in an Airbnb, we were filming in L.A. I sound like such a twat now, don't you think? No, no, no, no. And, well, it's beautiful Airbnb or in the hills, you know, how everyone does it. And little hummingbirds.

Oh, have you been? That's the best thing about L.A. I mean, little hummingbirds. Not hummingbirds. That big. And that big is what, like, two inches. Hummingbird size. Imagine a hummingbird. Yeah, yeah. About a tiny little bastard. And they come from... Oh, it's so sweet.

And then one day, something ran over my phone. I was like, oh, my God, it was a sweet little mouse. And, oh, my God, he was so sweet. And then after, like, a month of being there, it was like Stuart Littlecunt eating half the rug. And because it was the Airbnb, I'm like, how am I... It was like a sort of Tibetan rug someone had brought back, you know. And there was, like, corners missing.

And, oh, it was a disaster. And he freaked me out. And it was very, very, very noisy at night. And all the mice in L.A. have been in films, like Stuart Little, is that right? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. All they're there because they want to be a star, right? Yeah, they want to be a star. Yeah.

So they're eating the rug. But then everyone thinks they're the next ratatouille. Yeah, they're all auditioning. I wasn't like a Stuart Little. I was a man who... No, I was a mouse who turned into a man. And then back into a mouse again. Oh, well, I did The Witches. So I've actually done a lot of mouse...

I've talked to a... You talked, yeah. Like a fake mouse for quite a lot of my scenes, which ended up not being in the final movie. OK. Because it was, obviously, scintillating. That's good. I've been a mouse in a film. You've acted with mice. Yeah. I've got nothing mice based, I'm sorry. Back look. Yeah.

At the minute, Oscars have opened up, you know, just said, like, fan favourites, you know, people can vote for the general public are allowed to vote for what they think the best films of the year were. And... What were they? Cinderella's leading it in the minute. Is it? Yeah.

A lot of Camilla Cabello's fans. Yeah, I was going to say, I'm not sure it's the off-menu listeners that are really pushing that, James. No, but off-menu listeners, you know. I think even if they did a vote for everyone's favourite mouse, you wouldn't win. What? Come on. What?

Second bottom. Yeah, OK. You're my favourite mouse. The second bottom mouse is sweet. Come on, I love an underdog. So middle, really. Do you want to know who the mice were? Yeah.

Yeah, like... James Corden. Yeah. He was James the mouse. OK. Romesh Ranganathan. Oh, crikey. He was Romesh the mouse. Yeah. And James A. Caster was John the mouse, because the part was originally supposed to be played by John Mulaney. He dropped out. And then he couldn't do it,

and he couldn't even be bothered to take the name. Today's notice, I had to get in. I cannot express how my absolute dream scenario in the entire world is James winning an Oscar for his performance as John the mouse at the live-action version of Cinderella. Yes. Are you kidding me? People would love it. I would love that. Are you going to have any mouse-based jokes when you go up?

Oh, I won this by a whisker. Yeah, that's so lovely. That's nice. That's real. That's real. I managed to squeak by the academy. Yeah. Yeah. This is also title signers. You love the icebreakers. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, my God. Nothing.

Your dream drink, Morgana. We've already heard you love wine on a plane. But if I go champagne... LAUGHTER If I go champagne, it's the one holiday. Any particular type of champagne that you love? La Rampere, actually. Yeah. It's my favourite. Do you want it brought in an ice bucket and sat next to you,

or do you want them to top up your glass whenever you want to? Get it sat, get it next to me, because it'll be going down quick. You're in control. Yeah, I'm in control, yeah, exactly. Ice bucket. How quickly, you're on holiday, you get your own bottle of champagne. How quickly can you drink that? Is it just me? Well, it depends. You know, this is your after-eat meal. I think I've got some other prick with me, yeah.

Any particular other prick, or...? Sort of mystery human. A mystery human. A mystery human. So you arrive at the meal and there's someone sat there with a box on their head with a question mark. Surprise! Yeah, I guess so. And you're fine with that? No, I'm not.

No, no. Maybe I don't want to say, I don't know who I want. Someone sexy. You're lifting up the box and it's someone sexy. You're drinking champagne. Yeah. You get your own bottle. I like this night. This night's turning out good, yeah. How quickly are you drinking that bottle? Over the course of a meal, or is it going down

before the starters arrive? I think champagne should be drunk on an empty stomach. Yes. Just to get the ultimate, yeah, the ultimate high. And then I'll move on to wine, I think, if that's OK. OK, yeah, I reckon so. Yeah, sure. Red wine? No, I'm going to go white. Yeah. Holiday innit? I come up in hives and I'm really fudgering red wine. Do you?

Yeah, I drank so much red wine at Christmas last year that I, my own body weight, in fact, and I had these welts. And then every time I went, even, like, sniffed a bottle, I'd come out, it was in my mouth. So, on this plane? Yeah. Yeah. You were covered in hives, screaming about someone cheating on you.

Two net pillows. They must have thought you'd been possessed. Two net pillows. Two net pillows on, covered in hives, screaming about a cheater. You're describing my average weekend. Champagne and you're moving on to wine later on. Have you ever got to say champagne? Champagne. Yeah, I have this champagne and a bit of a culture just to...

Oh. Where's some olives? Oh, yeah, what's olives? Out at this point? Yeah, some little bits and bobs, yeah, some little snacky bits. Some bits and bobs, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's tied me over. Yeah, yeah. So, just olives or, I don't have a bit of some bobs, you know? Olives, like, maybe some like, some of those, like, posh nuts or something.

When's this arrive? Is this at the beginning? Little caper berries. Stick them in. Yeah? Yeah. When's this arriving, though? I'm confused now. This comes in with the bread. This comes in with the bread, right? So, we're going back to... This isn't it fit in between your main course and your dessert. Yeah, this all comes. This is just all, like, you know, full play, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

OK, so we're on back in time now. Have we just? Yeah. Your dessert. What's your dessert now? We're here. Well, this is the thing. This is why I sort of, like, I'm going to go proper, like, British and, like, can I have the British menu? Great. Yeah?

You're that person on holiday now. This is... All the words that I expect of a holiday. Absolutely astonishing. So, this restaurant has a British menu. I hate this place. I hate it. I would close it down in a heartbeat to this place. Has it got photos next to all the menu items as well, on the menu? No!

But it does have, like, old pictures of, like, all the other grandads that used to work there. Yeah. Black and white, you know, from back in the day when it was established in the 80s. Yeah. You've got the British menu now. They say something in Italian. Yeah.

And then bring it out. Yeah. Yeah. What are you having off the British dessert menu? A punky penguin? Oh, yeah. A punky penguin. Yeah, that's the thing. A punky penguin, yeah. We used to sell them at the pub that I worked at. One of the little plastic penguins,

and then you just take the head off and there's ice cream in there. Like, a very bland vanilla ice cream for kids. And they just eat that little punky penguin. I was in a curry house recently in Stratford, upon Avon, with Nisha Katona and Tom Carage, who are my fellow judges on the Great British menu. And they had punky penguins on the menu for dessert. And I thought I would order one.

And they were really ashamed of me for doing that. That's funny. And I was like, no, I'm not ashamed of this. I'm going to order a punky penguin. And then they didn't have any punky penguins. So it wasn't even worth it. Oh, no. So I had to have a lemon with lemon sorbet in it instead.

Oh, that's probably a short story. Yeah. Yeah, I was happy when I wanted a punky penguin. A pallet cleanser. Yeah. That's in the future, whenever you guys are somewhere, you can secretly go off and order a round of punky penguins for everyone and then come back and don't say anything.

Yeah. That's a long game. Then you've won. But you don't want a punky penguin. No, I don't want a punky penguin. What do you want? I want a seat of pudding. Yeah.

I'm so drunk. I'm drunk now. Absolutely. Oh, Susan. You're so in character. Oh, Susan. Hey. The big question with stick it off is what do you have?

Ice cream. There you go. OK. I like the hot and the cold. I like custard maybe in another date, but no, today I'll have ice cream. I do agree with you with the hot and the cold. It's nice, isn't it? Yeah.

It does something to you. Yeah. I like custard on a... Don't get me wrong. I mean, custard is my friend. Yeah. Yeah. But just, you know, I'm going to try and keep it chic.

Lovely. OK. Well, I'm going to read your menu back to you now. Thank you. And see how you feel about it. You would like sparkling water, problems with bread. You want pigeon for catcher. And you would also like olives and posh nuts and caperberries bought out at this point.

Starter, tuna tartare. And, oh, look, a lemon cello's just come along for you. Oi, oi. Sink that. Main course, spaghetti vongole. Yes, please. Another lemon cello there for you. Yeah.

Side of zucchini fruity. This is a good dinner. Well, there you go. Another lemon cello. I think this is good. Drink, Laurent Perrier Champagne, moving on to wine. Dessert, sticky toffee pudding with ice cream and a lemon cello. Yes.

Absolutely lovely, apart from the setting. Apart from the setting, which would ruin any meal. Look, the dogs are really cute. And there's some hot chicks. There's, like, you know, like loads of Italian girls. And then, like, and it's really pretty. Are you trying to win us over by saying there are hot chicks there? Like, we're teenagers.

Yeah. And we're going to go, oh, this sounds great, actually. I love hot chicks. Yeah, you think that won me over? Didn't. Well, I think the menu sounds lovely. Thank you. Yeah, the food is delicious.

What on the beach, you wankers? You put, like... What? Gosh, such a moment on pair buses. What more do you want? I brought you to the beach. I got champagne. Surrounded by stray dogs.

And a pervert in the seas, winking at you. Well, anywhere you go, that's going to happen. Walk out, you walk out. From here, there's three dogs and a winky old man. But this is your dream restaurant. You don't need to have everything that's everywhere all the time. No, but it's sort of... It's sort of backstory.

It's a feeling of a holiday. Yeah, backstory. Yeah, it's sort of... It's just an answer to the vibe. Yeah, I love it. Morgana, thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant. Thank you, Morgana. You're very welcome.

It's delicious. Thank you. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, Plucking the Grapes of Good Humour, Off the S... What? Well, what's funny about it is that we've already done it. Sorry, I'm getting confused.

And you started doing the intro again. And I've got one. I've got one as well. Yeah, and so for this one, you actually had it ready to go. And you were like, here we go. I'm ready. And you didn't have to do it because it's the outro.

But he looked at me all scared. And I just gave him a look and said, let him do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let him carry on. And then we're going to punk him on the outro. Well, I know this is the outro now. Yeah.

Oh, yes. He's got confused. So next week, look forward to a grapes intro. Yeah, the grapes one. Yeah. Or just like whatever one we record next, that can be people's way of knowing all. They must have recorded that episode.

I mean, it might have even come up already. That's true. Sometimes they record. Sometimes they go out in different order. It might be a grapes one, which comes out before the Morgana one. And they can go, oh, OK, that's interesting. It's going to be really good.

Yeah, that's going to be exciting for people. Let me say it. The grapes weren't going to be seedless. Lovely menu for Morgana there. Very nice menu, disgusting setting, awful setting, but a really fun chat. And she didn't say tinge crap. She didn't.

She really tried to. That's rare that you will bring up one of the ingredients. Just about eating crap. But I was for, you know what? I thought, you know, maybe bonus points if you hate the secret ingredient, you know? So I was trying to get it and say she hated it. And then she said, yeah, she said basically,

oh, fuck it. Yeah, I'll have it. Yeah. I can't check it out now. It wasn't on a menu. It wasn't on a menu. It's fine. It's fine.

How do you feel about losing past the game? Oh, bad. You know, I love the games. I love guessing games, mainly. You know, I like guessing games. But I love a game where you have to go around and name a thing. Yeah, I like those games normally as well.

But you got screwed over. That's the worst thing that can happen in those games. Yeah. Where you don't have, the other two people are like, bang, bang, and then you've had a no time. They got them stored up. They got them stored up. Because the more time you take,

the more time we've got to store. Yeah, you're racking them up. I like those ones with like, you know, films, actors, stuff like that going around. Tom Hanks films. Yeah, Tom Hanks films. But all day, I love playing that. But like, I'm not just because you mentioned it

in the episode. Yeah. But yeah, it's great. Castaway. Yeah. But it's not in the games when I take Forrest Gump. Oh, no. Captain Phillips.

Oh, Joe in the volcano? Joe versus the volcano. Oh, he's out. Book a teeny. Make sure you watch Newark Newark on gold. Yes, it's out now. On gold. I'm on tour, James, being wild and crazy on tour.

Electric. Electric is the name of the show. It's going up and down the UK side to side, round and round, like James's Piggy Dick. Lube de lube. Lube de lube, like a biggy tailed dick. Come and see that, edgamble.co.uk. James, you've got a bloody book coming out,

haven't you? People can pre-order it. James A. Casper's guide to quitting social media, being the best you can be and curing yourself from loneliness, volume one. Wherever you get your books, pre-order it now. Also, I've got a vinyl available. I keep forgetting to plug that.

Go on to edgamblescore.com, and you can get the vinyl, which we're also selling at some dates of the tour. You can get a signed copy of it. What a great day that would be. Go and see Ed, and then by the vinyl afterwards, you've had yourself a gamble fest. A gamble fest.

Thank you very much for listening to the Off Menu podcast. You've all been wonderful. Goodbye. All global. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since.

And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed, but we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News.

It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North, because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News

we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening.

There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.