Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 143: Siobhán McSweeney

Episode Date: April 6, 2022

Derry Girls star and Great Pottery Throw Down host Siobhán McSweeney is this week’s diner, welcomed to the Dream Restaurant by Ed and the Genie for McSweeney. Derry Girls returns Tuesday 12 April on Channel 4. Epsiodes will air each Tuesday and be available to catch up on All 4. Watch it here. Follow on Siobhán Twitter and Instagram @siobhni Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive. Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast that you're listening to right now. I'm here to tell you that I am on tour. UK and Ireland tour. Hot Diggity Dog is the name of the show. Starting on March the 12th, going all over to lots of places. Go to edgamble.co.uk to buy tickets for what I believe is a very funny show. We'll have a nice time. See you there.

Bye. Hot Diggity Dog! Thank you, James. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. See you there. Bye. Hot diggity dog! Thank you, James. availability may vary by region. See app for details. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the ribs of conversation, lighting the wood chips of humour, and smoking the ribs for many hours to produce a falling-off-the-bone podcast experience. Didn't understand all of that, but I loved it. Hang on, what didn't you understand?

The wood chips threw me off. The woods. You know what I mean. The barbecue, like the wood pellets. Yeah, well, you know more about cooking than I do, so sometimes there's terms on, like, oh, no. I had some barbecue yesterday. I mean, you wouldn't use just wood chips, but, you know.

Yeah. The basics were there. It was, like, sort of slow-cooked, low-and-slow American barbecue-style thing. I was thinking maybe a St. Louis-style cut of rib. His name is Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster. This is our dream restaurant,

and we invite a guest every single week to ask them their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is Siobhan McSweeney Siobhan McSweeney

very exciting Siobhan's a wonderful actor of course most famous for Derry Girls yes wonderful so funny plays Sister Michael

in Derry Girls Sister Michael I mean what a show what a show this is our second member of that cast. Yes, indeed. Nicola Coughlin, of course, is the first. Locked herself out.

Locked herself out of flat, yes. But very excited to speak to her. The new series of Derry Girls is coming soon, James. And it's also the last series of Derry Girls. The third and final. I suppose you've got to end things sometimes when they're playing younger people. Yeah. And time does tend to mess with that sort of stuff.

Exciting, though. I love it when people just go, right, just two or three series, and we're going to wrap it up. Yeah. And it's been so good. And they're just going to end up with this perfect thing that never got ruined. Until Derry Girls the College Years. Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

That's true. I'm currently watching series 11 of The Walking Dead and I can't believe I'm still doing it. What an awful show. Yeah, The Walking Dead, and they never stop for a sit down even, do they? The Dead. No. Constantly walking for 11 series. Weirdly, there's an episode in this one where

they all asleep, the dead. And it's like, what are they doing? They're having a nap. This has never happened before in 11 series. And then there's one that they're all napping. It's like, we've got to creep through them and not wake them up. It's like, what? But, you know, it's the zombie thing, right?

You don't know how the zombies are going to act. It might be that for 11 years they're walking around and then you need a nap as a zombie. It's a big nap. Yeah. You can invent your own zombie lore. But we're not here to talk about The Walking Dead, series 11 or otherwise.

Unfortunately, if Siobhan says a secret ingredient that we have decided right now, then she will have to leave the dream restaurant. And today's secret ingredient is mini marshmallows. Mini marshmallows. Mini marshmallows. I don't mind a marshmallow, full-size marshmallow. Yeah, yeah, love them.

Toast it, you know, eat it raw. I don't mind, you know. Mini marshmallows. I don't mind a marshmallow, full-size marshmallow. Yeah, yeah, love them. Toast it, you know, eat it raw. I don't mind, you know. Mini marshmallows, what's the point? Because if you're just eating mini marshmallows, you're having a handful that constitutes the size of a full marshmallow. Quite often, you know, that hard bit around the outside of a marshmallow, you like to get to the soft bit in the middle. The mini ones are basically all hard bit.

And I feel like I'm betraying my younger self because I had a lot of mini marshmallows as a kid in hot chocolates and really loved it yeah I guess in the hot chocolate format I suppose even when I think back now a full size marshmallow is nicer in a hot chocolate and a mini one just goes very puddly and you don't get that plumpness a little bit of crispiness maybe different textures in there and a mini one just goes very puddly and like you know

you don't get that plumpness a little bit of crispiness maybe different textures in there you just get it very piddly like white all the powder

white sugary just blob in the top of your and it's not really the same rest in peace to the hot chocolate deluxe

at Northampton College that was great but rest in peace you know you see that on series 12 of The Walking Dead. That's going to come back to life.

It's asleep. Don't wait the hot chocolate deluxe. It's going to get you. So if Siobhan says mini marshmallows then she is out on her ear. I'm on tour. A few more dates left in April

but then I'm doing some more in the autumn, James. Yes. September, October, November I'll be back on tour doing that show again which I'm very excited for. Proud of you, man. Add autumn, James. Yes, exciting. September, October, November, I'll be back on tour doing that show again, which I'm very excited for. Proud of you, man. Adding extra dates.

Thanks, man. Adding extra dates in the face of underwhelming demand. It's exciting. That's how you do it. Just got to add them. Create the demand. Yeah. Keep doing it, even though no one wants to see it anymore.

Walking Dead style. That's the way to do it. No, there is demand. demand yes so do come and see it uh you're doing a scandinavian tour of course james of course i'm touring scandinavia and uh you can buy tickets for that um i don't know where i was meant to do it i just realized just remembered i was meant to do a little video and send it to the promoter and i i haven't haven't done that um is this your show where you're encouraging hecklers, James? Yes, it's called Heckler's Welcome.

Fill your boots. Fill your boots is the whole blurb. And you are allowed to come and heckle me and you can pre-order my new book, James Acas' Guide to Quitting Social Media, Being the Best You Can Be and Curing Yourself of Loneliness, Volume 1. You can pre-order that wherever you get your books.

I'm very excited about that coming out. But for now, this is the Off Menu Menu of Siobhan McSweeney! Fly. A fly flew between me and the microphone. I thought you were doing... I didn't want to inhale it. I thought you were doing a new thing

where you were waving your arms about. No, I was pouring away and getting rid of the fly because I didn't want it. It was a tiny fly. Right. It was enough that I might have breathed it in. Leave all that in. Yes.

Yeah. It's Siobhan. Welcome, Siobhan, to the Dream Restaurant. Hello, guys. Lovely to be here. Welcome, Siobhan McSweeney, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. There we are. The genie there. Oh, hello, genie., Siobhan McSweeney, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. There we are, the genie there.

Oh, hello, genie. The genie for McSweeney. The genie for McSweeney. We've never had it rhymed before. There we go. Genie McSweeney. I could be a muck genie this episode, if you like. Please do.

Yeah, that's quite exciting. I like that. Genie McSweeney. I was naming my non-existent new puppy, and I thought maybe Queenie Maxweenie. But as a vehement anti-royalist, I didn't know how to sort of, fuck it, get a corgi, call it Queenie Maxweenie.

Own it. Own it, Maxweenie. So it would be a corgi. So maybe I could ask Jeannie Maxweenie to give me a Queenie Maxweenie. Yeah, yeah, I'll get you a Queenie. I think you could count that as anti-royalist if you got a corgi and called the corgi Queenie McSweenie to give me a Queenie McSweenie. Yeah, yeah, I'll get you a Queenie. I think you could count that as anti-royalist if you got a Corgi and called the Corgi Queenie.

Called the Corgi, yeah, and treat her very badly. Behead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chop it, head off. That's the only way. That'll learn them. That'll get people on my side. Here as I hold up the bloody corpse of my little Corgi puppy.

Yeah, you win. Have a think about your monarchy. That's the thing, isn't it, about being anti-royalist? I'm not up for the monarchy either. But then when you start talking about it, it's very easy to just slide into language that makes you sound like you're from olden times when

you're quite quickly talking about putting their heads on spikes. Yeah, it's revolution and it's anarchy. I'm going to chuck their heads off. I'm never going to. Did you see there in Somerset House, they were filming heads on spikes. Yeah, it's revolution and it's anarchy. I'm going to chuck their heads off. I'm going to... And they'll go, oh, maybe not. Did you see there in Somerset House, they were filming something

but they were building a guillotine. And people were going, what the fuck is happening now? This seems like a natural conclusion to...

We're only in March 20th. Or we're not. We're in the future sometime as well in a non-specific time. I'm into the Beano exhibition at Somerset House. Yeah? Really great.

Not on my own, you know. With who? Some kids. So just don't be on weird. Your gang? Yeah, yeah, my gang. The Bass Street Kids. Your street gang of ruffians.

You made fun of me when I said I was going to go to the Beano exhibition. Yeah, yeah, I did. Because you went with some kids and I just wanted to go to the Beano exhibition. Yeah, you just wanted to go on your own and I thought it was really funny. Because I didn't know that about Ed. I love the Beano. Oh, really?

We've been in the Beano. Have we? Yeah. I must admit, I haven't kept up to date with my Beano subscription. Did you miss our issue? I mean, it's that, it's the New Yorker, National Geographic. It's just a big pile by my bed. I really need to get on top of it.

Are you much of a foodie, Siobhan? I love food. By a foodie, do I... No, I just like eating. And I like eating lots of food. But a food... Like, I don't really care what's in it. Do you know?

And I don't sort of... Oh, this is... No. Is there a lot of it? Is it tasty? Yes, I'll have it, it. Do you know? And I don't sort of, oh, no, is there a lot of it? Is it tasty? Yes, I'll have it, please. Thank you. So, is like buffets pretty high up on the list? Buffets are pretty good. I think one of the

great, I mean, we've all had a difficult lockdown, but no one had it more difficult than me because I really took to the bed when I realised that breakfast buffets in hotels, there's a chance that they may be no more. I had exactly the same realisation.

Lockdown one. But I think they're back now. They're back, but are they? They're back. I've seen a few of them. I mean, they're back, but their heart isn't in it. It's sort of like they're just back for tax reasons or something. They're here for the final tour.

What's the style of the breakfast buffet for you at a hotel? The courses. So the breakfast buffet is something that I realise that I approach as if I was a sports person, which I am not. But I feel like I have to win at it. You feel it's you

against the hotel. Yes. And you have to win and you have to get there early and you never get there early or you have to figure out what the time is you have to look at the they usually have a piece of paper on the elevator going

gets busy around nine don't come then and you're like oh what happens at nine why don't you want me to be there at nine? I bet you that's when the good sausages come out. Are the really, really crispy rashers? But am I willing to take that chance? Are they double bluffing

me? And it's hard so you don't sleep. And then you get up and you're like, oh, do I shower? Am I wasting buffet time? Then you have to make sure that you've eaten enough and come back and shower before the chambermaid comes. And that's awful. So that's more pressure.

And sometimes you don't want a 15 course breakfast first thing in the morning when you haven't slept or showered. It's rare that you don't want a 15 course breakfast. I think if you're in a hotel, come on, you've got to go for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you start off with fruit, don't you? I don't, personally. Oh, you go straight?

If you want to talk different tactics. I'm being careful here because I have a 15-minute routine about breakfast buffets in my new torture. Oh, really? I don't want to slip into material. But no, I go hot first. No, no, no, no. And then continental.

Interesting. No, but you start with fruit, then you go for the rashers. Forget your porridge. No one's here for porridge. No, no, you don't want to fill up on porridge. You don't, like, porridge is, no, no, no, no, no, no. Porridge in general, I don't believe in as a concept. When it's hardened and put, then flapjack I'll have if I must.

But porridge, no. It's also because when I was growing up, Dad would make porridge in the morning and we'd have, on Monday, we'd have our fucking porridge. Oh, this is awful.

I feel sick. And then I'd watch him go to the sink, pick up the saucepan of the porridge that's been... Add water, put it back on the thing

and you're going... So by Friday, we were eating glue. There was no oats in it. It was just like... I mean... So it was just the pan scrapings with water in basically. Yeah. I mean I don't know why. Porridge

is provably the cheapest item. That's why it's popular right? Because it fills you up and it's cheap. It's really really fucking cheap. And he's like I better make this stretch out. So you'd start on Monday with gruel and you'd end with like,

it's actual glue. It's actual glue. So I haven't been able to look at porridge in the face ever since. Would your dad be putting anything on the porridge? Would you be adding anything to the top of it? Milk and sugar. Milk and sugar.

Yeah. I hear Scottish people put salt in it and that's why they haven't got independence. Yeah. I mean, people put salt in it and that's why they haven't got independence. I mean I always think of for me porridge is a Scottish dish right? Because you've got the guy in the kilt throwing the

what's he got? A shot putter. Throwing porridge at people. People think he's shot putter but they're just getting a face for the votes. He's a shot putter, isn't he? Yeah, he is a shot putter. Interesting one that they chose there. I think of a Quaker, of course.

Yeah, of course. Rather than the shot putter. Yeah, quiet little Quaker. Any other porridge guys? I would like to see those guys hanging out. Yeah, but we're not here to talk about porridge. You don't like porridge. I don't like porridge.

You don't like porridge. So you're having fruit, then you're going for the rashers. Yeah. Now I streamlined it when I was working on the last gig. So you go, all right, the bloody toast machine disaster.

Yes. Absolute disaster. We've put a man on the moon. What the fuck is going on with that fucking conveyor belt of... It's stupid. That's the noise it makes when it's supposed to toast that, right? Yeah. Little mice sort of cycling's stupid. That's the noise it makes when it's supposed to toast that, right?

Yeah. Little mice sort of cycling and sweating everything. And you have to put that through, of course, about 15 times before it gets any way toasted. And then the 16th time it's completely done. It comes out as a completely

different item. It's a small washing machine or something. So you get that going. That'll take a couple of hours for the toast to be done. And you go straight for the sausages and rashers. And you have to, this is where the lurking happens, because you need to have really, really, really well done rashers and properly. You know, I like my steak rare, but I like my sausage burnt.

I like a touch of carbon in the morning. Yeah, yeah. Get you going in the morning. Like the smell of burnt toast in the morning. I like quite pinky sausages, I think. Undercooked? An orangey-brown exterior and a pinky. That's enough about me.

Pretty delicious. Okay, then. So, you know, like, I've given up on the eggs. I've given up on eggs. Why's this? Because you can't get it right. The scrambled eggs is just egg water beside rubber egg.

No use. Poached eggs, I don't believe in. Okay. They occupy the same sort of fancy land as porridge, right? There's no need for it. We don't need another way to make eggs. And now I'd like a boiled egg. Yeah.

And I like a fried egg, but they're always a little bit too oily and runny and it's not worth it. It's not worth it. You've got a limited amount of time. The chambermaid is making her way down the corridor here.

You've got to shower. Why don't you put the do not disturb sign on? Because it feels too aggressive. It've got to shower. Why don't you put the do not disturb sign on? Because it feels too aggressive. It feels a bit aggressive. So do not disturb. I'm not in here, but do not disturb. It's counterintuitive. So you put yourself on this countdown where you've got to wolf down this

huge breakfast and get there before she does. Yeah. Okay. Got it. Meanwhile, you're trying to find a nice person to give you the coffee with oat milk and that's taking a while because they look at you as if even though you've been staying in the hotel for three months now and it's literally what you ask for

every morning. Oat milk. Oat and you're like yeah yeah and they're like porridge no fuck off with the porridge we've been through this Eileen just get me my oat milk. That's what your dad might have been making on the stove was he trying to make his own milk for you that's why you love it so much now as an adult

yeah oat milk is just runny porridge isn't it yeah porridge smoothie all is forgiven daddy come back so you're staying in hotels for extended periods of time when you're filming things, right? So every morning you're having that. Well, or like on set breakfasts. On set breakfasts. Yeah, if you're very canny, you can get the two. So were you staying in a hotel for a long period of time when you were filming series three of Derry Girls?

I was indeed. It's the final series of Derry Girls. It is the final series. So yeah, a hearty breakfast was very much needed as we went into the very, very final because it's sad, isn't it? The end of an era. It is sad.

Were tears on set? Oh, yeah. For various reasons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it does sort of, it's changed everybody's lives. Everybody that it's touched. Like, my life is completely different since playing that nun. And it was weird taking off the costume for the last time because like we know it's the last time.

There isn't sort of like, oh, maybe, maybe her and Frasier are off in some spin. I'm like, no, it's not going to happen. So, yeah, it's sort of saying I did want to burn that wimple by the end of it like the upshot of playing Sister Michael is that you know everything was loosey-goosey no makeup no need to sort of you know I came back in the second

series I'd been away and I came back with a cold sore and they were like brilliant and I'm like best job ever but all the joy of that and like you know and I came back with a cold sore. They were like, brilliant. And I'm like, best job ever. Best job ever. But all the joy of that and like, you know, sort of a bit of moisturiser or not

was taken away by the 47 hours we would need to put on that wimple. There were staple guns, sellotape, pritt stick. We tried every, gluing, like, what do we do? I don't know how actual nuns do it. I'm sure they don't have 300 inns.

They don't have a glam squad. They do not have incredibly qualified makeup artists and mirrors. Some of them do shows in Vegas and stuff like that. And then, like, you know... And then the mob comes out. Yeah, they've got a lot of people. Yeah, I suppose, yeah.

A pretty showbiz. Yeah, Whoopi's got a team. Yeah, Whoopi's got a team. Who. They've got a lot of people. Yeah, I suppose. They're pretty showbiz. Yeah, Whoopi's got a team. Yeah, Whoopi's got a team. Whoopi's got a team. Whoopi can have whatever she wants. Queenie McSweenie. You say you won't do any spin-offs as Sister Michael, but what if Whoopi called and said,

I want to do a big nun crossover? And it would be a crossover. The crossover. Like when King Kong fought the other... The Godzilla, yeah. I wasn't seeing it as quite such a violent... I wasn't imagining you and Whoopi sort of towering above New York City.

I mean, if it was that, I think I'd consider it. I mean, I'd do anything for Whoopi. I would do it, but I'm not sure I'd do that. No. What other fictional nuns are there? Good point. A good gang. The thingy, Maria. Yeah, Sound of Music. Of course. No, I wouldn't

go next or near her. What a drip. What an absolute drip. Still a spark than water is how we always start. Yes, I would like sparkling, please, Jeannie. Yes. And I would like it, if you don't have enough sparkling, I would like the SodaStream. We had the SodaStream in our house growing up and it was truly a wondrous object. But I was thinking about it last night and I remember in Ireland we call soft drinks minerals.

Those cheap minerals that we used to get and it was called TK. I don't know why I'm laughing at that. Apologies, that was rude. Not at all. I love that laugh. Hilarious with their little ways. Near 20 years, I'm used to the laugh.

The laugh's louder on the other side, believe me. They laugh with our minerals, but I've seen the state of them. But, you know, awful 1980s orange. Like, it was orange. And it tasted like chemicals. But I remember I had a cousin, and obviously not the brightest tool in the box. She came and she got so excited

when she saw the SodaStream. She grabbed the bottle of TK Orange and shook it so much. And I was like, what are you doing? She said, I want to get the gas out of this so that we can re-inflate it with the Soda soda stream. And I remember she had been a little bit older than me

and she came from Cork City so she had that sort of you know, and I was a country bumpkin and she had older sisters so she listened to music whereas I could only sort of go, is it Boy George? I hadn't a clue. And I remember sort of

looking at her and going, ah, you're thick. You're no threat to me at all with your city slicker ways. You barely have opposable thumbs. Be gone. And it was a good day.

She didn't fizz up the tea, Kay? I mean, I sort of walked out of the room in disgust. She was a bit like, but what? It's a good day. She didn't fizz up the tea, Kay? I mean, I sort of walked out of the room in disgust. She was a bit like, but what? It's a good idea. Okay. Huge fan of you. I don't know if you were paraphrasing there or not, but a huge fan of her saying,

I want to get all the gas out and re-inflate it. Re-inflate. I want to re-inflate it. Yeah. Because sparkly water is inflated water. It is, isn't it? It's happy water it's like lilo water

but you know in Germany you have different forms of frizzante you have depending when I'd be in Germany I'd be like why if you want fizzy water no it's easy to get older your palate develops and sometimes I must admit fizzy water can be a bit too aggressive for me.

A bit too harsh. A bit too harsh. A bit too filled. So, you know, the trick is open it and leave it deflate overnight. And then you can sort of gulp away feeling refreshed, but not like it's hurting you. Yes.

Yeah, not too aggressive. So what, I've not heard about this in Germany. They have different levels of fizz, do they? Frisante, as you said. Yeah, not too aggressive. So what, I've not heard about this in Germany, they have different levels of fizz, do they? Frisante, as you said. Yeah, yeah, they have ultra frizz.

I don't know what it is. I feel like you don't know what they're called. No, I don't. Hands up, you've got me guys. I don't know what it's called but they're definitely

different types of like, just a gentle effervescence down to like, this is how we got rid of the wall. You know, Jackhammer-esque. They just spray a bottle of Uber Fizz at the bottom of the wall and it just crumbles away. David Hasselhoff is still hiding in fear from it. Soda streams don't work now and that's a shame

because they used to work back in the day and now they kind of like don't really work now and that's a shame because they used to work back in the day and now they kind of don't really work. James got sent a soda stream and he was... He'd really get on with your cousin in Cork City.

Let's just say that. He couldn't make it work. It doesn't work anymore. Why? I think they just stopped making them good because I think back in the day

they obviously were doing it and I think now they're just like, well, no one's really buying soda streams so they don't really bother making them very well so I think back in the day they obviously were doing it and I think now they're just like well no one's really buying soda streams so they don't really bother making them very well so it just doesn't work. No, well you're not, you're doing it wrong. You pump it up too much

and then you can't put it on the thing and you're all fingers and thumbs aren't you? I think it's just broken. No, not broken. You're broken mate. They don't make them very good in the factory. Yeah, it's the factory's fault. Pump it up, it's all bread!

Pump it up, it's all bread, you vormuck sweetie! Pump it up, it's all bread! Pop it up, it's all bread, you vormuck sweetie! Pop it up, it's all bread! Is that how you treat your sodas from beginning to see what the problem is here? Yeah, exactly. It's screaming, it's soda screaming.

You're the first person I've made jump in ages with that. In ages. You shouldn't be proud of that. Yeah, well, it used to be in the early days they'd jump every single time and now people are always ready for it

because they've had a little listen beforehand. But then I was like, oh, this is the perfect time to do it. Because we were talking to each other. Yeah, you think we've teed up something else. I had the soda scream. Very good. I would like both, please.

Yeah, if possible. I would like both and I would like the poppadoms to continue throughout the meal, even with dessert. Lovely. Okay, great. I'm very interested to see what this dessert's going to be later. We learnt lately that that's not actually the right way to do it.

We were told... Well, I agree, but how do other people know this? Asma Khan, who's got a proper restaurant and everything, she shows what she's doing. She told us poppadoms are meant to be at the end of the meal, just before dessert. Oh! Yeah, that's when they're meant to be. You're more authentic. I am more authentic. Yeah, well, but I want it throughout

the whole thing. I don't want to wait until just before. Right, okay. So do you want a big pile of poppadoms to sort of snack on throughout the meal? Or, as this is the Dream Wrestling, we can do this for you, do you want an absolutely massive poppadom oh my god that you can just sort of

work your way into the middle could I have like do you know like an art installation they'd have a cube yeah could I have

I don't know what you're talking about no but you know like could I have a room made out of poppadom yes and could I because it's magic not make dirty of poppadom. Yes. And could I, because it's magic,

not make dirty the poppadom when I run through it? But I have enough structural integrity that when I run through it, you know, like a cartoon, and you can start to see the shape. You can see the outline of you.

So I would do that, be able to see that. Then there would can see the outline of you. Yeah. So I would do that, be able to see that. Yeah. Then there would be a basket, of course. Yeah. And I would pick up the shards of poppadom and take it away,

sort of, so I'd work for it, in a way. I'd harvest my own poppadoms. So are you eating in the, is this where the restaurant is? Are you in a big cube poppadom? Well, no,

because how, what about, I'm very into lighting and I don't think you could the structural integrity for light fittings and stuff. No, that's silly. So it's separately a cube poppadom and you run through it and pick up the shards

but also when you run through it not make dirty. Not make dirty so I can still eat it. But also if I stood in the cube, I could just sort of like fling myself around the room and sort of like fling myself around the room and sort of feel it crash all around me.

But also not make dirty with my feet or anything. Yeah, but in that fantasy, you're not going to allow for light fittings. No, because poppadoms can't, you're not thinking this through, poppadoms can't hold up a lampshade. No, but they also can't withstand someone

throwing themselves around it and not making dirty at the same time. What are your limitations as a genie? I didn't sign up to this thing. You'll be interested to hear that we've never crossed this bridge. This is what I'm saying. I could absolutely give you a big cube poppadom that you can jump around and not make dirty. But also

I can put light fittings in that. Or you can, look, they're fairly translucent poppadoms. You could put the lights outside the poppadom and you'd get a sort of lovely glow around the poppadom.

I think I'd like that. That feels a little bit more special. And I think it would be quite a special moment. I'd like to be nicely lit. And I think in a cubed poppadom, I mean,

with like an overhead, I'm not a big fan of overhead lighting. It's a bit much, isn't it? It is a bit much. And then I just want to know that there's nothing around my feet so that I can not a big fan of overhead lighting. It's a bit much, isn't it? It is a bit much. And then I just want to know that there's nothing around my feet so that I can get a proper run at the corners and things like that. You know, I don't want to be thinking about lamps.

So if we could have a few lights around, like footlights. Or candles even. Yeah. I can tell you don't like that idea as much. No, I don't. Are you worried that the soot from the candles will make dirty? Well, my flat burnt down a couple of years ago, and

I was convinced it was my fault. It was not my fault. It was not my fault. It was an electrical thing. But since then, I've been very anxious about candles, even though it was not my fault. Absolutely awful. It was awful. It was just a bit awful, but also a bit liberating too, because then you're going, oh, I've lost everything.

Okay. Oh yeah, that sounds nice actually. No, but then you go, okay, that's fine. I'm okay. Yeah. Nobody else was hurt. Like basically I got through a traumatic event, but what people on yoga retreats try to sort of pay for it,

you know? Yeah. Oh, I've lost everything and that's okay. You know what I like to do sometimes? Burn everything? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll go really high,

maybe on a really high bridge or top of a building and I just hold my phone off the edge. Oh, you're mad. I just hold my phone off the edge. Oh, you're mad. I just hold my phone by my thumb and forefinger, and then I just hold it off the edge, and it feels amazing. I don't let it go, but it's really fun.

You just hold it like that, and you're like, if I drop that, that's my life over. So, are you comparing you dangling your phone off a bridge to Siobhan literally losing everything she owned? Yeah, yeah. Imagine if I lost my phone. It'd probably feel the same. Uh-huh.

Come here to me. So, yeah. Imagine if I lost my phone. It'd probably feel the same. Uh-huh. Come here to me. So when you're when you're on this bridge Yeah. and you're holding over your phone Yes. what do you feel

when you pull it back then? Like a loser? No. Like a coward? I feel exhilarated. Like a tourist? It's like, I just have a close call.

So you're getting all the adrenaline. So you're tricking your body into thinking that you've achieved something brave by being an absolute coward. Yeah, It's like, oh, I just have that close call. So you're getting all the adrenaline. So you're tricking your body into thinking that you've achieved something brave by being an absolute coward. Yeah, it's like incinerating. That's why you're a comedian. It's the same feeling. It's the same feeling.

You know, it's the same emotion people get from skydiving, I guess. Is it because you stopped doing stand-up for a bit? So is this what you've replaced stand-up with? Dangling your phone off the edge of a really high thing? I did a thing with Joe Lightfoot and we had to go up a bridge and it was like and it was all these just wooden slats and they had these gaps in

between them and they were perfect size for an iPhone and I just kept on doing it and really I liked Joe's reaction which was he was just panicking that I was going to drop it. So I'd hold it there and watch him really freak out about it and try to get all the crew to do it. I went up, I did a travel show last year

around Northern Ireland and there's these iconic cranes in Belfast and I managed to go up one of them. They're called Samson and Goliath and I went up Samson. Hear her, she went up Samson

and what a way to find, she went up Samson. And what a way to find out she don't like heights. On camera? On camera, in a boiler suit. There was one step I had to take. And there was no, I'm like, but surely health and safety would mean that. And they're like, no, there's none. And I'm like, but no, you have to have some guard. Like there was, you know, like the mind the gap in the tube.

Yeah, you mind the gap, right? But you're like, I can see it. But imagine if that drop was hundreds, like, and they're like, just, just step over it. And you're like, no, because there's no guard. And they're like, well, you know, you have to. And just make sure you step over it. Just don't go down there. But it's not a choice, is it?

But by the end, there's footage of me skipping along the very top of the crane. I was very brave. So imagine dangling your phone over the edge of it. Every time you say dangling your, I keep thinking that you're like just exposing yourself on Blackfriars Bridge or something. Dangling your willy. Is that what the phone is? Trying to get a good angle? Yeah, yeah.

Holds it with his thumb and forefinger and dangles it over the edge. Just don't like it losing his mind. Yeah, he's trying to get the crew to do it. You were fired off that show, weren't you? Yeah. Yeah. That was it.

What kind of bread are we talking, by the way? We've gone into the poppadoms. The poppadoms. No, the bread would be Irish soda bread. It would be specifically the bread that my mother made every single morning when I was in national school. I would wake up every morning to the smell of fresh scones, fresh brown bread and fresh apple tart. And she would deliver these freshly baked goodies to all the local shops. And it would be her sort of little cottage industry.

Pin money, you know. And I hated the smell of it. Like when I think back how ungrateful I was. You know, kids are the worst. They really are the fucking worst. I would wake up to the smell of freshly baked scones and go, oh, God. Not again. And I would, I would like sort of stomp around.

In fairness, I would get my lunch and my lunch would be freshly baked bread. And because I once said I liked peanut butter, I had peanut butter for 12 years. Peanut butter on freshly baked bread, then wrapped in tinfoil and put into a lunchbox. and freshly baked bread, then wrapped in tinfoil and put into a lunchbox. So by the time lunch came, you opened the lunchbox, the condensation on the roof of the... Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You'd unfurled the tinfoil and the raw dough that the bread was so freshly baked it had resorted back to its primordial self had melded with the peanut butter to create something that I could only describe as Friday porridge.

It was yet another gluey, gluey gruel sort of thing. And you're like, oh, it had no integrity whatsoever. But now I would, with the benefit of hindsight and a bit more maturity, I would kill for that brown bread again. And specifically, Bandon Co-op butter. There's something about the salt quota.

This butter doesn't go rock hard when you put it in the fridge. And there's something about the clarifying process. Somebody explained it to me and then it got boring, so I stopped listening. But it's got something to do with the clarifying process, so it actually doesn't go rock hard. And it is perfectly salted. And it's our local

farmer's cooperative in Bandon. I thought you said, banned in co-op. Banned in co-op. As if, like, co-op has gone, no. That was once banned in the co-op. It's so salty. Let's get onto your menu proper. Oh, yes proper for Dream Starter.

Dream Starter would be crab claws from, I mean, obviously they wouldn't still be from 1996, but I'm not eating, they're not old crab claws, but they were in their, Jeannie, you would have to transport them from 1996.

No problem. From the summer of 96 in a place called Tomal Sheens where my best friend grew up in a pub restaurant there and introduced me to crab claws. It was the first time I ever had crab claws and I was like, what is this?

And even now when I smell butter, garlic, lemon and parsley I feel happy and, you know, holiday. It's a holiday smell like a really free, fun, couple of pints and fresh air kind of smell, do you know? A couple of pints, fresh air and crab claws. I don't think I've heard anything better ever.

That sounds absolutely amazing. Really, really lovely. And also, you know, I'd just started uni then as well and that feeling of finally finding people who didn't think, or they probably did think I was weird, but like they were just as odd themselves. Finding your own tribe, really. Because secondary school was great.

And, you know, people were very nice and blah, blah, blah. But I did always feel like quite an outsider. So it's nice to start like that summer of going, oh my God, I'm not the only freak in the village kind of thing. Or at least there's two of us now. Yeah. That is a nice moment. It's a pivotal moment, isn't it? Yeah. And then

I'd say you grow up and get more and more your own tribe and then every now and again you're confronted with someone who isn't from that and you want to murder them. Yeah. Yeah. I had someone come up to me in the street the other day

and try, actually, we're talking about Joe Lycett all the time now, but they thought I was Joe Lycett and they were pretty hammered and they were a proper lad and they were just going,

and I went, Joe Lycett! They went, no, I'm not. I was talking to my girlfriend at the time. It's like, no, I'm not Joe Lycett.

It's like, yes, you are! And he came up to me really close. He was going, you might realise it. Then he raised his camera phone really fast. And I said, please don't take my photo. I'm not joking. And he was like, I'm going to do it.

And his mate was really laughing and jeering. And I was like, I haven't been around these people since school. Like, you realise I've had my whole life just going like no not these people anymore yeah and then you're like oh you're still here yeah you still exist yeah and what was annoying is that he went away and then realized I was James Acaster and then came back and did the whole thing again but with my actual name did he think he had forgotten yeah well how much time did he think it passed well definitely with the first one he thought i was fobbing him off and then he thought oh if i just go back and clear up because he thought why he was annoyed because yeah i got his name wrong and then he realized

that you were going to fob him off again yeah yeah and then then he then he just went to be honest the second time he didn't even try and take my photo because he kind of went oh no you just don't like me and then he went away while his mate continued to shout stuff at me. Oh like fuck off, fuck off, fuck off. You know there was all this sort of thing you know about the echo chamber on social media. I'm like yes!

What kind of absolute animal would you think I would be if I was hanging around with people whose opinions I didn't agree with? Here's my friend Mark. He's an awful racist. But, you know, need a different opinion in my life. See, I don't believe with her economic theories either.

But it's good to have diversity. Fuck off. No, I want that echo chamber. Preferably, I want it shaped like a poppadom. How many crab claws do you have in there? Because I would always have an even amount because I wouldn't want one crab going around. A little bit lopsided.

Yeah, I don't think about the rest of the crabs because if you do, you sort of go where's the rest of them? Like, what are they doing? They're using it. I'm sure they're using it somewhere. You could use them as frisbees, I suppose. Yeah. Maybe that's what the fella in the oats thing is, the shot. He's throwing a crab claw.

Are you having these crab claws hot or cold? Hot. Are they hot? Of course they're hot. Because you can have them cold, don't you? You can have anything technically cold, but it doesn't make it right. People eat crab claws cold. You know, you cook them and then you stick them in the fridge or whatever and they're lovely.

Then you dip them in like mayonnaise and stuff and they're lovely. Then you dip them in, like, mayonnaise and stuff and they're delicious. No, no, no. I mean, I understand that. That's fine. That's sort of a stand-up by the fridge thingy, isn't it? No, I don't think

it's necessarily... I think it is served in some places cold, like seafood on, like, ice. Yeah, I suppose, yeah. But that would be incorrect. Yes, yes, yes. And they're not allowed

into my Papa Dom echo chamber. They will not. They won't break in. They can't get through. They would make it dirty with their cold crowds. They would make it dirty, yeah. No, this is warm and it is a big piled high. I have never counted the crab claws, but now that you've mentioned it,

I would like an even number. I would also like them to keep coming. Sure. Throughout the meal. Is this going to be a to keep coming. Sure. Throughout the meal. Is this going to be a pattern? Yeah. I would like them to keep coming throughout the meal and them never really to get that cold,

for the butter to not solidify. Yeah. Let's keep going. Let's keep the party going. How are you cracking into them? Hands? Is it pulling the two little bits of the claw apart? So it would be just the very tip of the claw.

So it would have an exposed bit of crab flesh. Yes. Like James on the bridge. I would hold it with, just like your phone, I would hold it with my thumb and forefinger. Roll it around now. I would bite the crab claws and then I would have a little instrument

from Ogie's mam, Mary Maloney, would have given me like a small little fork thingy. And she'd teach you how to cut down to the very, you know, the black tip of the claw? That's where the sweetest meat is. And if they're very fresh, it comes out whole. So you poke around there

and you come out and this little sliver in the shape of the curve comes out and that's the sweetest bit of the crab meat. That's nothing more satisfying. Nothing. And you feel like you... A bit like the breakfast buffet. I won.

Take that, crab. Take that. If it doesn't come out whole, I won. Yeah. Take that, crab. Take that. If it doesn't come out whole, I just feel like, I just want to give up. So, Jeannie, I would like every single one of them to come out. And sometimes if you do crack it,

it comes out in itself. Either way, it's coming out smoothly. Yeah. Please. It'll all come out smooth. Great. I promise. Oh, yum.

Sounds so good. This will be nice. While your poppadoms keep coming as well. Don't worry. And basket, and I go and, well, you know,. And it'll keep coming while your poppadoms keep coming as well. Don't worry. And bask, and I'd go and, well, you know, to walk it off a little bit, I would then go for a little stroll among the shards of the poppadom. Yeah, yeah. Stamp them on.

You're getting a nice and powdered eventually. Oh, yeah, but they would never turn to dust, but they'd give that lovely crunch of an autumn leaf. Yeah. Great. Your main course, your dream main course. My dream main course. Now, I broke my leg last summer while I was filming something and I broke it incredibly badly and I'm still recovering. I'm only beginning to realise how traumatising it was. Yes, that sounds a bit, but it was. And there's a lot of my recovery I don't actually remember because I was in an awful lot of hospital. But when I came out of hospital, I was still in a wheelchair and I couldn't really move at all. And the leg needed, the dressings needed to be changed a couple of

times a day. Yeah, I was on quite heavy medication, blah, blah, blah. Where I'd been staying in West Cork, I had steps up to it. They'd put me up in a lovely place, but there was no way on earth did it have wheelchair access or the care I would need. So production, the most extraordinary production and people, they worked above and beyond, thought in their infinite kindness and wisdom that the best place for me to recuperate for the rest of the shoot would be the skibbering old folks home. to recuperate for the rest of the shoot would be the skibbering old folks home. So I got wheeled in to the skibbering old folks home and plonked in a room there. And every couple of days I was wheeled out to go on set. And then at the end of the day, I would be wheeled back. It was the most hilarious and strangest time of my life. But I distinctly remember being on set,

being in pain, everybody working so hard, really, really hard, and it being glorious. But knowing that I was finally getting back to myself when I was going, oh, I hope this is the last take, now do we have many turnarounds?

I need to get back, it's sausage and chip night. Let's get bringing old folks home. Because the sausages and chips, man. Oh my! It was just, it was food for

the soul. It was a bam. It soothed me completely. It was, they were perfect. The chips were crunchy and fluffy, not dry. Plenty of them, but not too many because, you know, I was still recovering and I didn't have a huge appetite, but I wanted to feel like myself.

And food is so emotional, isn't it? And it makes you feel like yourself, especially your body. If there's a limb of like literally hanging off you, you want to feel like yourself and who you were before all this. And you can't really get it with other things. Food really does that special, special thing. And it was the most comfort, the sausages were beautiful. They were very juicy on the inside, but they were sort of black and brown, that dark. And they weren't sog soggy they weren't baked. People have put

care into these sausages and they were beautiful pork meat and they had chef ketchup, not Heinz chef ketchup which is, I don't think I've seen it here, it's a brand in Ireland but there's something about it that is a bit more, I presume a bit more sugary or something than Heinz

and also has a sort of a thicker texture like Heinz is a bit watery now, isn't it? Like it's sort of like a puree, passata kind of, you know, plonk it down. But it has to be served at room temperature. The thing with ketchup, you can't have cold ketchup. It needs to be room temperature, if not warmer, in fact. I wouldn't recommend microwaving the ketchup, but I'm not saying don't do it either. And that would be my main course.

It would be served with a cup of tea and the feeling that I had done a good day's work. I was due a good night's sleep and I wasn't in awful pain and I was getting back to myself. And the best food in the world makes you feel more like yourself and that plate of chips and sausages did it. Was this once a week in the Skibbereen old folks home? Yeah. I mean this,

I've never heard of anyone say that the old folks home food is good. Listen. They've got a rep for being terrible, right? I couldn't believe like all my preconceptions of those places was blown out of the water when I stayed there. You had people who genuinely liked their job, that I found weird.

They were really, not only liked their job, but they were really passionate about it and would go above and beyond. They were also very funny, like that wonderful dry sense of humour. They were very knowledgeable. They were being very funny, like that wonderful dry sense of humour. They were very knowledgeable. They were being paid fuck all. And it was just really affirming to know that there are these places where through no fault of their own, people we love will end up there. And to know in spite of all the horror stories you hear, there are people working their arse off.

And they're doing it because they're passionate about their job. You know, it was lovely. And so many funny things, so many, so many funny things. What was really like, because it took a while for me to realise that my friends and colleagues were sort of looking at me slightly askance, was the fact that I loved it so much. I was like, can I go back? You know, it's like,

poor Siobhan, she's in the old folks home. It's great crack. We will sing song on Monday. It is so much fun. You know, they had a lovely garden. It was exactly what I needed to heal. And I'm so grateful to them all. And, oh God, I think

I'm getting a bit, yeah. It's been horrible and that was very nice. And the food is part of it. Have you put yourself in for a few decades? I have, just for a little bit of a retreat. I mean, it should be that, because it's a shame that those places have like a really bad rep for like the food's rubbish.

Because it's like people are just kind of going, well, it's a rubbish situation having to be there. So therefore the food is now going to be, we don't have to make it good. I'm only basing this on my grandma when I used to visit her in an old folks home. I think she just liked complaining. Well, the thing is, everybody was complaining about the food. I'm like, lads, this is fantastic.

Have you tried catering on set? Like, this is great. You're really, really fine. And also, I think, yeah, it's people not being particularly happy they're there. And also, it wasn't a novelty anymore. And I was happy to be fed. Your grandma has lived her entire life. Yeah, yeah.

She was counting the fish in the fish pie. Oh, right. She was going, there's four flakes of fish in the fish pie. It's an absolute disgrace. Well, I mean, that is a disgrace. Fair enough, yeah. If it's more mashed potato than fish. I hate that.

I hate that in shepherd's pie as well. Oh, mountain of mashed potato and a little river of brown sludge at the bottom. You need to have it 50-50 at least. I just want not much mashed potato. I want it to be as crisp as possible on the top as well. I want to be able to lift off the top layer of mashed potato like it's the crispy skin.

You want to be able to smash through it and still see your body shape. Yeah, I thought I might be able to lift off the top layer of mashed potato like it's the crispy skin you want to be able to smash through it and still see your body shape so you could have a little mashed potato cube I'd love it just the outer layer of the shepherd's pie would you have it make dirty or not? I'd make it dirty I'd make it dirty as much as possible

I don't think you should make it dirty because whatever about a poppadom, that would crunch. The under part of the crispy skin of a shepherd's pie, that's mushy, man. It's going to be like when snow turns to slush. Yeah. You can't eat that. How are you going to get in your basket?

You haven't thought this through. Dirty basket. I'll have a dirty basket. You can't have a dirty basket. Oh. Do you hear about him? He's got a dirty basket. I'll have a dirty basket. You can't have a dirty basket. Oh. Do you hear about him? He's got a dirty basket. Your dream side dish.

Oh yeah, I didn't bother with that. Because you've already got the chips and you've got a cup of tea. I've got the chips, the cup of tea. Now the cup of tea is very specific. Yeah. It's Barry's tea. Are you taking notes? Barry's tea bags made with, I know it's a cliche, but London water is awful. I don't care how many people it's gone through. That's the nature of water. It's what they do to it afterwards. Why is it like that? It shouldn't be solid. Sometimes I make tea and it's like, it's solid what has happened to this water so it needs to be good water

soft water where's the best water cork yeah done and a teen she my aunt used to

measure out the milk in spoonfuls and she would put one in and I thought she was mad and I've tried it she was not mad she was a genius

so one spoonful of semi-skimmed milk. That's the green stuff, right? Yeah. So that would be beside it. In a mug around this size so it is it's a good amount of tea but it doesn't go cold too quickly and it's not too hot for too long because that's the problem if you don't have

a lot of milk in your tea. You're just waiting for it to cool and then the break's over. So as a side dish, you have to remember I still have the mountain of crab claws. Yes. I have a cube of poppadom. So I think I'm fine for a side. So you're passing on the side.

I'm passing on the side, thank you. Passing on the side, okay. And remember the slightly warmed chef ketchup. I like a lot of ketchup. Earlier when you said chef ketchup, I don't think I'll be alone in this, but you were talking about the old folks home and you were saying and chef and i was like oh we're gonna learn the name of the chef at the old folks home and ketchup i was like because i've never heard of the brand

chef ketchup no i just thought there's a man called chef ketchup at the old folks i did not think that actually i'd like to retract my initial thing of saying that i agree with you i just thought you meant like homemade ketchup. So like chef ketchup. But you were imagining a man called Chef Ketchup. A man called Chef Ketchup was working at the old folks. All right, Chef Ketchup. Yeah, Chef Ketchup made all the food.

Would that be his real name or a nickname? Because he's like big and red. I thought it was his real name. That was his name. From the ketchups down the road. Yeah, I was like, oh, here we go. There was Chef Alan. Alan Ketchup is his chef.

Are you also going to pass on Dream Drink as well, because you've got the tea? No. I want a frozen margarita. Yes, and you can have one. In huge agreement with this. Yes. Any specificities? No, but perhaps not the...

I went to visit my friends in the States and she brought me to a supermarket and I saw pre-mixed margarita mix. And she had a very young child and I ostensibly was going over to help because her husband was

away shooting and I sat down and I drank the whole... Because she had one of those American fridges where you get the crushed ice. I was like, oh dear God, this is amazing. And it came in like in a huge, like a keg almost, like a huge, like not a flagon, but like those huge old-fashioned sort of jars.

Yeah, I know what you mean. You'd almost have moonshine in it. Oh, yeah. This was this pre-mixed margarita mix and I would have the crushed ice and I sat on the couch and complained about the heat in Atlanta and drank the whole thing

and for the rest of the week had the worst heartburn of my life. Like, for days and days. And then I was like, I am mostly lime now. I am shriveled up. So not that. But any other kind would be nice.

And also, I've been trying to find the chili salt you put around the edge of it. The chili and lime salt. There would have to be a lot of that. And if I wanted to just put my finger in, and it's basically like the best part, Doritos, you know, the bottom of the powder Doritos. Well, we could do, I mean, this is the dream restaurant. Instead of chilli

and lime salt, do you want the powder from a bag of Doritos around the rim of the glass? From the chilli Doritos, yes please. The chilli Doritos, yeah. That's quite a good idea. That's a really good idea, yeah. That's got to be if Bob Mortimer would do that. Yeah, yeah, he loved inventing things. He made mashed potato out of crisps.

No. I mean, you've got to give you credit for really thinking about that. I figured out how he'd do it. A lot of mastication, I think, would be involved. No, fair enough. It would be the crisp residue that you find in your mouth.

You know when you eat a bag of crisps? And then you pick out that one. It would be a lot of that in a pile. No, no, Bob. But the frozen margarita, a great choice. Yeah, lovely choice. We've had it before on the podcast. It is one of the top drinks.

Well, it's a good drink. And also, tequila doesn't make me mad. It turns out I'm quite pleasant on tequila. There was a bit of a like, you know, you're a bit of a cunt on gin. I'm like, I did not know that. Is gin the worst? So far

under very controlled examination, experimental conditions, tequila seems to be the one that I can continue under very controlled examination, experimental conditions. Tequila seems to be the one that I can continue drinking without starting a fight or worse over a long period of time. That's the one thing that,

okay, let's keep her on the tequila, keep her on the tequila. What night was frozen margarita night at the Skibreen old folks home? They didn't have frozen margarita, but you know, it was fine. I had very nice painkillers. Yeah. That's it, yeah.

Painkillers in one of those little plastic cups with chilli and lime salt around the rim. Oh, that would be nice. Na, na, na, na, na, na. Tequila! We arrive at your dream dessert very exciting it's been an emotional rollercoaster

it has a whole journey through your life from childhood to your uni days to the old folks yeah we've really is this dessert going to represent your death somehow? yeah yeah yeah imagine yeah

no but it is, like, it does sound a bit like, oh, I'm picking this because I think, blah, blah, blah. I haven't been able to find a Black Forest Gato that tastes like the Black Forest Gato

I ate in the Black Forest. Wow. And I have been trying to find it and people fuck it up by trying to be fancy. Don't be fancy. Get the little, the chocolate sprinkles, vermicelli or something.

Coat that on the outside. I want your tinned sour cherries. I want your kirsch. Don't get fancy with fancy kirsch. I want your shit kirsch. I want cream, proper cream, of course. I'm not an animal. And moist chocolate sponges

and a good ratio of the sour cherries to the sponge. Don't mess around with it. It's a classic for a reason. Don't try to go all fucking Nigella or whoever the fuck you think you are because somebody once liked your cake that you brought into the office. Have you had a gin? Yeah.

I'm getting really angry about this. Do you know how much shit Black Forest Gato I've had? Because people try to mess around with it. I spent a summer in Treberg wo die Hoogste Wasserwall in Deutschland ist. In the Black Forest where the highest waterfall in Germany is.

What level of Frisante is the waterfall? Oh yeah, very good. No, it was too high up, I didn't bother. I was too busy enjoying... Tell you what, I would do a part at the top of that waterfall. Yeah, we know what you'd do. Oh, you'd be dangling. Charlotte Church at the bottom of the waterfall, of course.

I mean, I guess like when you were in the Black Forest, you must have been like, well, I have to have a Black Forest Gatow while I'm here. Well, I was working as a dishwasher in the kitchen and I was very confused and I did not have as much German as my German teacher or I thought I had. So I didn't really have much to do. So I'd sneak into the fridge and eat Black Forest Gato day in, day out and never got sick of it. In

retrospect, it would have been sort of like, what's it called over here? Is it a Toby place where you have like... Toby Carvery. Yeah, that's it. It would be sort of like the Black Forest version of that. I would argue that you love that Black Forest G Toby Carvery. Yeah, that's it. It would be sort of like the Black Forest version of that. I would argue that you loved that Black Forest Gato so much. Firstly, because you were in the Black Forest. Yeah. So you thought this was legit. I like to match.

Atmospherically, you're like, fantastic. And also, you were sneaking it. Yeah. And there's no better taste than sneaky food. Oh my God, was that the added ingredient? I think so. I think for your dream meal, we might have to put the Black Forest Gato in in a separate room and you have to sneak it.

Would I have to do all the laser thingies to get through it? If you'd like. Sure. But what if a shard of poppadom has fallen from my clean basket onto the ground and without me noticing and I put my foot down and makes a... Yeah. And then I have to run, but I have a bad leg. Yeah. I have a bad leg, so I can't run.

You're not going to get up to that black photo scat, are you? Oh, it's going to taste so good. Oh, my God. That's the missing thing. Forget the ratio. Yeah, it's the sneaking. Yeah. Yeah, you've got to sneak it.

Yum, yum, yum, yum. When I was a dishwasher, I would sneak the lumpy bumpy when that was in the fridge, of course, the walk-in fridge. What's the lumpy bumpy? Either a chocolate lumpy bumpy or a toffee lumpy bumpy, if you're lucky. Toffee lumpy bumpy, I'd say. It doesn't sound lucky. So, like, it's mainly cream.

It's mainly thick cream on, like, a thin layer of sponge as the base and then a thick cream, and then like a very thick chocolate or toffee glaze that also has embedded in it chunks of chocolate and toffee and fudge. Lumpy bumpy. I would sneak the chocolate lumpy bumpy or the toffee lumpy bumpy whenever my heart desired.

And that was my Black Forest Gato in the Black Forest. I'm telling you. Listen, we had it good. Yeah. Good times. I would sneak cheese out of the fridge at home, take a big bite out of it like it was an apple. My mam would make

pate and she said that she came in once and looked like a dirty protest had happened. And I looked like a Gustav's gloop. It was all over my face. I had two handfuls of it.

A pate behind your back. A pate behind my back. And she went, Siobhan, have you been at the pate? And I went, no. No, I have not, ma'am. I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

Water, you want sparkling, left open overnight, or from a soda stream. Yes. Poppadoms or bread, you want a room full of poppadom that you can burst through and will not make dirty and then eat the shards throughout the meal.

And you would like your mother's Irish soda bread with some banden. Banden. Co-op butter. Starter, crab claws from the summer of 1986 throughout the meal. Throughout the meal, made by Oggy Maloney. Wow. Yeah.

I missed that the first time around. I would have been on that very quickly. And Ogie Maloney's mother gives you the fork. Mary Maloney gave me the fork to take it. I heard that Mary Maloney gave you the fork and I let that go. But then I didn't know that Ogie Maloney was

involved. Ogie Maloney makes the crab claws. Yeah, that is very cool. Main course, sausage and chips with chef's ketchup from the Skibberine old folks home with a side of pea, Barry's tea bag with cork water, one spoonful of

semi-skimmed. Yes, thank you. Drink a frozen margarita with chilli Dorito dust around the rim and dessert, Black Forest Gato from the Black Forest Snuck? Yes make sure yes the sneaking apparently

it's not it's not the cherries that made it it was the sneaking the adrenaline it was the sour taste of copper in my mouth of the adrenaline

coursing through my veins that little make you fight for your for your dessert I feel like I've learnt a lot about myself thank you guys

and we've learnt a lot about you thank you so much for coming into the Dream Restaurant. Well, there we are. What a wonderful menu. I loved that. Delicious menu. I'd eat all that food

and also, what a lovely life. What a lovely bunch of stories that we got to hear about that really nice stories and it does you know normally if someone's saying like sausage and chips are an old people's home you would normally absolutely kick the shit out of someone for saying something like that but what a nice story and yeah and actually thinking about it i've a lot of respect for canteen sausage and chips yeah that's the thing shiny sausages and then like a shovel of chips yeah when siobhan said that,

I thought back to when I used to work at the school as a classroom assistant. You know, the canteen wasn't great, but there'd be certain days I would think, oh, it's that day today. You know, that particular one. And I'd look forward to it, even though it was,

and no, Siobhan was saying this one was good. Yeah. But even with that one, it was objectively a bad meal that I'd look forward to once a week. But it was the best of the lot. So I would have that little, oh, it's that. And as soon as she said, oh, it's objectively a bad meal that I'd look forward to once a week, but it was the best of the lot, so I would have that little, oh, it's that.

And as soon as she said, oh, it's sausage and chips night tonight, I was like, yep, I know this feeling. It reminded me of just going swimming

when you've just been swimming. Yeah, yeah. I was like, when she said sausage and chips, I was like, I think I've just been swimming. Yeah, going to Kepwin Leisure Village

and... That's not exactly what I thought, but... And then having the awful food afterwards. So you've just done a bunch of exercise and then having the saltiest chips in the world.

Putney Leisure Centre I was thinking of, personally. Okay. No, you never went to the KLV? Never went to the KLV. It would be PLC and it would be, yes, top diving board. Ten metres, don't mind if I do. Wow. And only

every other time would I psych myself up too much and then have to come down the steps because I'd scared myself out of it. But most importantly, Siobhan did not say mini marshmallows, James. Good. Good. Good. You wouldn't get them in a Black Forest gatto. No, absolutely not. Especially not the proper Black Forest snuck

gatto. Snuck gatto. Yeah. I love a snuck gatto. I loved that episode. And Derry Girls is starting very soon. Series three, channel four. The final series of Derry Girls. Make sure you watch it. And if you haven't seen the other two series,

catch up and then enjoy the third one. Yes, do. I'm on tour at Ed Gamble Electric, edgamble.co.uk for tickets. James has got a book out. Yeah. You can get that wherever you get your books. Buy my old books as well if you want to. Yeah, why not? Get all the blooming books. Yeah.uk for tickets. James has got a book out. Yeah. You can get that wherever you get your books. Buy my old books as well

if you want to. Yeah, why not? Get all the blooming books. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have got some lovely thank yous to do for some beautiful food

that has been sent to us. First shout outs just from me, James. You might want to cover your ears for this. Two of my gigs on tour, I have arrived to find that some companies

have delivered me some amazing cheese. I have arrived to find that some companies have delivered me some amazing cheese I have had so much nice cheese one of them is from the box of cheese who are like a cheese subscription and delivery service

based in the New Forest I believe sent me some absolutely fantastic cheeses and then when I went to Newcastle I was given some amazing cheese

from the Doddington Dairy. A huge box of cheese and some amazing little biscuits for cheese. It was fantastic. Left that backstage. Thank you so much to them. That venue, that Newcastle venue. So when I was there last, there was loads of ice cream in my dressing room. Yeah.

That they got for me. And because they know about the podcast. So, yeah, big thanks to... Is it the Opera House, is it? What is it? Yeah, the Tyne Theatre and Opera podcast. So, yeah, big thanks to... Is this the Opera House, is it? What is it? Yeah, the Tyne Theatre and Opera House. Yeah, yeah. Amazing, beautiful venue.

Amazing venue. Wonderful staff who have treated me and Ed to our opposing dessert choices. Yeah, what a fantastic place it was. Audience like to whoop. Yep, or take their tops off when you're driving away in your car. My experience?

It was men. It was a fella. Yeah, it was a fella. Yeah. Didn't happen to me. Well, I went out there. Everyone put their coats on. Yeah, yeah.

I drove away. A man took his T-shirt off and shook his titties at us. Oh, no wonder you're not doing a UK tour. Huge shout out to Hotel Chocolat. Oh my God. They send us so much stuff. So lovely. Thank you, Hotel Chocolat.

It's made my year. Like, they let me. This is the dream I've had since I was a kid. Yeah. They go on the website and just select anything that you want on there. Yeah. And that's what I did. I chose so many chocolates that I really wanted to try. And they sent me all of them in a big box and i've been working my way

through them and they're so delicious and also they're gonna let me go down to the hq or the kitchens that they've got there and have a full chocolate making day and be a little chocolatier i get to make my own because this is all because of the shout outs to the Velvetizer that we've been given on the pod. And they were like, do you want to come and make your own Velvetizer chocolate that's going to be your own sachets that you can take home and make your own flavour?

My God, James. So I'm going to get to do that. There's a chef coming in. I might have a day there too. They've asked me if I want a day there too. They also sent me the same, because they said, what do you want us to send you? And I said,

exactly what you sent to James. Yeah, great. Which, you know, I didn't realise that it was in a situation where you went on the website and picked what you want, because it was so much. Yeah, yeah.

You really ran with that. I would have been like, maybe three, these three things. Yeah. And how many, 25 different? Yeah,

there's like six chocolates in each packet. Yeah. And I had about 25 different? Yeah, there's like six chocolates in each packet. Yeah. And I had about, yeah, 25 of them. 25 packets. 25 packets of six each.

I wish I'd asked for the big boxes now. I like the big boxes as well. Yeah, so I didn't ask for any of the big boxes because I just wanted to try individual ones. I didn't know, to be fair to me, how many were in each packet.

But I was like, that one, that one, that one, that one. I wanted a cylinder of the orange tangs and they were amazing. Have you had the orange tangs yet? I've not had a lot. I one, that one, that one. I wanted a cylinder of the orange tangs and they were amazing. I've not had the tangs yet. I've not had a lot.

They're so tangy. We went to the Comedy Awards a few days ago and not really had many but it was at home and let me tell you, when I got back from the Comedy Awards, I checked into the Hotel Chocolat. Oh yes! I think I might have checked into the Hotel Chocolat.

But when I got back from the Comedy Awards. It was pretty great. We lost. Yeah. But thank you to Hotel Chocolat, because we felt like we won. Yes, absolutely. Craft Gin Club have sent us, I mean, I guess, it's like a bottle of gin and a way to mix a fantastic cocktail

and loads of snacks as well. They've absolutely smashed it. Thanks very much to the Craft Gin Club. Thank you. And sorry that, you know, we said stuff about gin in the main episode, about turning people dark. They've absolutely smashed it. Thanks very much to the Craft Gin Club. Thank you. And sorry that, you know, we said stuff about gin in the main episode about turning people dark.

Not everybody. Not everybody. I love gin. Gin's an upper for me. Baked in bake kits. Like they've sent us these baking kits, including one for cookies,

which is like a big bottle full of the ingredients. And then you like empty the whole mix out and mix it up with other stuff. And full credit to them as well for not making a bake-off reference in the letter or anything like that or the little note they gave because, you know, a lot

of the time, if I get sent stuff that's like, not even just anything food related and they'll go, Bon Appetit, James! Ha ha ha! And these ones could have gone full on in it because it's baking and they didn't do it. They just were like, there you go. I mean, it looks so simple to make those cookies. Even you couldn't

fuck that up, mate. We'll see about that. Challenge accepted. I look forward to you just baking the whole glass bottle with all the stuff in it straight in the oven. Uh-oh.

Also, Ed, I'm holding in my hand here the original Veronica Farm fudge handmade rum and raisin flavour this one. Oh, that sounds good.

Delicious creamy fudge blended with local SC Dogs White Rum. Wow. That's, I mean, look, fudge is right up your street, right? Yeah. I love fudge. I'd say more than anything in the world.

I will have one cube of fudge and being a diabetic man, it'll be just like injecting me with adrenaline. Go to space. Oh, go to space, mate. I'll take my pants off and go to space. Yeah, exactly. So thank you very much to all those places for sending us stuff. That's marvellous.

I can't wait to get stuck into all of that. But now, let's say goodbye and see you next week on the Off Menu Podcast. Goodbye and see you next week on the Off Menu Podcast. Bye. We'll see you next time. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Gold tenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials.

Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. menu we got stories about pigs getting coaxed off roundabout with crisps we've got stories about gravy wrestling in car parks we've got stories about restaurants getting one star food hygiene ratings and record-breaking yorkshire puddings and we've got special guests which you may remember from off menu episodes such as maisie adam tim key rosie jones fatah el gory phil wang and he

hasn't been on off menu butu, but we got Kevin Kennedy, who played Curly Watts in Coronation Street. Take that, eh, Caster? So please, give a listen to the Northern News Podcast. Every Thursday, wherever you get your podcasts.