Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 145: Kiri Pritchard-McLean

Episode Date: April 20, 2022

In an Off Menu first, comedian and podcaster Kiri Pritchard-McLean returns to the Dream Restaurant. Confused? Best listen…Kiri Pritchard-McLean is on tour with ‘Home Truths’. For tour dates visit www.kiripritchardmclean.co.uk Listen to Kiri’s podcast ‘All Killa No Filla’ at allkillanofilla.libsyn.com Follow Kiri on Twitter @kiripritchardmc and Instagram @kiri_pritchard_mclean Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive. Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations). Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the jelly of conversation, the custard of humour, the cream of the internet, and creating the trifle of good times. Yeah, I don't think it's fair that you did such a good one just now, because I think that misrepresents you to be the great British menu viewers. But this is just us being normal, remember? Yeah, it's just us being normal, and that was very good.

Thank you. But that's the best one you've done in quite a few series. I turn it on. I think it, yeah. I turn it on when it's for TV, mate. Maybe we pretend that's there for every episode. Yeah. That was very good. The trifle.

Thank you. I believe you've not done a trifle one before. I know. I'll be using that to know later. James, why don't you tell everyone what the podcast is about? This is the Off Menu podcast with Ed Gamble and James Acaster, where we invite a guest into the dream restaurant and ask them their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is...

Kiri Pritchard McClain. Yes, Kiri, a wonderful comedian, writer. She's part of a sketch group, but she's not even on stage with them. No, very rare that you get someone who doesn't, yeah, a performer, but who doesn't put their ego first. No. She writes for that. She does her own stand-up.

She does a musical, it's called. And I'm always worried when I tell people it's a musical, because it sounds like I'm saying... There's a musical. A musical. But it's a musical. It's a musical. A musical.

It's comedian singing songs from musicals. Yes. I've done it. You've done it in a non-singing capacity. I was a dancer. Yes, you were a dancer because you don't like singing in public. No, hate it. Even though, at the Off Menu live shows, you did a song medley, didn't you?

Yeah, yeah. I faced my fear. Yeah, you did face your fear. You did it. I just suddenly remembered James doesn't normally sing in public. I better not mention it, because then he'll remember that it's his main fear. Yeah, I forgot it, luckily. I did the song, so that was good.

So, maybe I'll do that for a musical one day. If we get an official Off Menu musical. Yes. Because it's songs from musicals, so then I could go on a musical and do the course and press medley. Off Menu would make a really good musical, and it would be the first podcast that had a musical based on it. And then maybe that would start a trend, you know, like for ages, jukebox musicals weren't

a thing. Yes, suddenly everyone does them now. It seems stupid at one point, but at one point it'll be a podcast musical, and we'll have all the Off Menu songs in it, and they'll be like, hey there, Mr. Benito, I got a detro for you, oh. Still are sparkling, still are sparkling, make your choice, choose your water. Choose your water. That'd be great.

First half, still are sparkling. Yeah. Pop it on your bread. Yes. Pop it on your bread, the curtains start to come down, and you're like, why is it finished? And then they just come up suddenly. Yeah, really scary. And it's got to be a huge one as well, so come to me jumping out, it's got to be like

a big projection on the screen, a 3D of my head, like a hologram. Of course, the musical will go around the world, so you can't be at every performance, so they're going to have to use a hologram anyway. We would probably have to be like Lin-Manuel Miranda is, of like, you know, usually, thank you, in the OG cast. So you'd have to do like, you know, original cast, and then maybe every now and again when it opens in different countries, we will be in the cast to get the punters in. Oh, puppetry of the Penis was originally started by two men, and then they franchised it, and

they auditioned other Penis. So we should do this until we've done it so much that we've permanently damaged our Penis. Yes, until they're all flat, and they've got a different colour. And they've all got different angles that shouldn't be there for a Penis. I'm in. We love Kiri, but if she says a secret ingredient that we've pre-selected, we'll cook her out, but it's an ingredient we don't like. That's the rules.

Yeah, it's always an ingredient we don't like. And this week, the secret ingredient is Dusty Morangs. Dusty Morangs. This is one of your choices, James. Yeah, I'm the new Bleesdale. I hate powdery, Dusty Morangs. I've chosen the secret ingredient this week, very proud of myself. I hate it.

I love Chewy Morang. Yeah. It's one of the best things ever. You feel like you really lucked out when you have a Chewy Morang. It's a good day. Do you pray to Jesus? I pray to Jesus to Morang Jesus. Yeah.

I pray to God bless your Chewy Center, Chewy Morang Jesus. Morang Jesus was very Chewy in the middle. That's how they nailed him up there. He was. Because if it had been one of those supermarket Dusty Morangs, it shattered straight away. He would have just got down. Bad luck, suckers. I haven't got any hands now, but...

That's true. The Dusty Morangs, if you break into them, when you try and put a fork in them, they explode like a vampire that's just been put in the sun. It's exactly what they look like, and you know it's not going to taste good. All you taste in is all the sugar and nothing else. Just like you should like it. No, because it's just stuff that's bad. So you just go, here's a reminder of why this is bad for you, and that's it.

And I want it to be so tasty that I just forget, that's the perfect desserts, that you forget it's bad for you at all, because it's so delicious. Morang is just like, there you go, you can literally feel it, rot your teeth, and then seep into the rest of your body all at the same time, and that's all you get. And that's more my dad's speed. Yeah. Your dad just likes to get the pure shot of sugar, doesn't he? Get it in, loves it.

I don't like Dusty Morang, and I like choosing secret ingredients that allow us to doff our caps and to the great ingredients that we love. The good version. The true Morangs are the best, and these ones are worse and shouldn't be there. So if Kiri comes in and specifically picks Dusty Morangs that explode like a bad Jesus, she's out of the dream rest room. And look, I should come clean. It wasn't completely my idea.

We talked about this in Mirasile in her episode about Dusty Morangs because she chose to eat a mess. She kind of slag it off with Miras. Look, sometimes our inspiration comes from other people, you know, we're always chatting about these things. New ideas are coming up all the time. We've kicked one person out of the dream rest room in the past, one person only. That's Jade Adams.

Jade Adams co-hosts a musical with Kiri. Good point. It would be pretty poetic if we kick him both out. And we love poetry. We love poetry here on the Off Menu podcast. There was a young boy called Benito who liked to put socks on his feet. But along came a spider who crawled in his shoe. Is that you do one?

Is it one rhyme? I can't remember how that works. No, no. Spiders should never mind with the next bit if it's a limb of it. And crawled up inside, insider? Yep. But who's the sheep? What I was to say.

And then he ate all of his wheat hoes. I don't know. It doesn't really. Should we get on with the podcast? Yes. This is the Off Menu menu of Kiri Pichon McClain. Welcome Kiri back to the dream restaurant. Yes, thank you so much for having my repeat booking.

Welcome Kiri Pichon McClain to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Wow. You said that so quickly. I thought this could be really cool because it was real quick. Also, I was planning on saying more stuff. I was planning on saying like, well, you know, that we expected it for some time, although we've already been on it and we've been expecting it again, but then I've run out of breath.

Yes. We should explain for the listener what happened because you're probably thinking, oh, we've not heard Kiri on him before. Yeah. Have I missed an episode? Have I missed an episode? Stop scrolling through the old episodes and listen to his phone. Hold your horses.

We've all missed an episode because we recorded an episode with you, Kiri, a brilliant episode from memory. Yes. It all went down the pan because the Great Benito ruined it. Yes. He said a lot of stuff. He spoke out in the episode and said stuff that is unbroadcastable and we had to not say, you couldn't put it out.

He was shouted a lot of fruity opinions. Yeah. He had some of his views. Good, you are staying quiet now. Good because after last time, it was great. It was like a lost episode, like Doctor Who, but there wasn't as much demand for people to find the episode, Doctor Who and No Demand, which I think the torch would. That's because they found out about the Doctor Who episodes.

Now that people know about the lost episode, there's going to be as much demand as there is for a Doctor Who. Oh, I hope so. Yeah. I don't want to be John Barrowman in every sense. We are very glad you could come back into the Dream Restaurant, Kiri, and actually now in person as well. It's not on Zoom anymore.

Yeah. It was in lockdown one, I think, wasn't it? It was a long time ago. We recorded it. I remember one thing that I said, and I don't remember anything else. I don't remember anything at all. I don't remember. As soon as we finish recording, it all just goes from my mind.

It all goes into a big shredder. Just anything I do. Just no memory. Like that Banksy. Yeah, exactly. My brain is like that Banksy, which I don't even remember what that was of. I saw it on the news and... You know, they resold it for more money.

I heard that. Now it's been like half-shredded or whatever. Yeah. Wow, yeah, of course. It's like Hendrix's guitar, man, when he smashed it up, Frank Zappa sent his roadies out to get all the smashed-up bits, and then they put it back together again. Yeah. That torched wood.

Yeah. He torched his wood. He did set it on fire. That's brilliant. This episode is back on track. Torched wood. I remember some bits you said. We'll see if these things come up.

Yes. Interesting. You've got a much better memory than me. So there was like a barn in your garden, and you'd go and eat food secretly in there. Oh, my gosh, yeah. Yeah. And your dad would make you a certain meal in like a chip pan or something that he never washed.

Yeah, that's not changed. He never washed it. And I thought that it would add flavour to it each time if he didn't wash it. Oh, my gosh, yeah. That's really good, man. Well done. But both of the things he's referencing have deep levels of like hygiene-related red flags. So I think you just...

You remember the most disgusting stuff. Yeah. It's like, oh, yeah, my childhood of dysentery. Yeah, I remember that. Oh, I was very glad to be doing that episode over Zoom, and I'm very tense about this, actually. We've let you in personally. Has your dad washed the pan since we've recorded it?

No, he's got this sort of, you know, like quite solid frying pan that is sort of blackened. You know, when you... It's like a crust of black stuff on it. Right. And then he has oil in that, and he cooks everything in that. So egg sausage, bacon, whatever. And he never empties it. So he thinks that the more sort of juices are in there, the more flavour it has.

There is some logic to that, in that it's like seasoning the pan. Like I've got a cast iron pan, like a proper cast iron pan. You're not supposed to put it in the dishwasher. You're not supposed to wash it with like washing up liquid, because it ruins the stuff on the pan. Okay. You're supposed to season it by cleaning it with oil, and then like baking it so it hardens on, and it all keeps the flavour.

I'm not sure it's quite what your dad's doing. I think what your dad's doing is just not wiping a load of bacon grease off it. Yeah. He did go through a stage when he got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, shock horror, where he was in some endeavour to be more health conscious. He would pour the fat out into an old Nescafe jar on the side. And then drink the Nescafe jar. Yeah.

Pop one of those like straws with a lot of flamingo on the end. Yeah. Once it's full, like, yeah. Eventually when the jars full, they was like, you know what, I've got to do, kids. You've got to down the jar. Okay. It's like, it's for the birds, but then I would see him use a spatula to sort of scoop out the hard stuff in the stop, and put it back in the pan, so.

Back in the pan! My father is, what's it called, a Cicula, he's very sort of, inadvertently he's quite green, I think. Yeah, okay. Circular economy. That's my father's whole system. Yeah, but it's awful for him. Yeah.

Oh, he's a mess. He's a testament to the NHS and their patients. So, I mean, I can't remember if he says still sparkling water. So this is exciting straight away. Yeah, it's very exciting. I mean, my money is on. Oh, this is a good thing we can bet on our own memories. Yeah, great.

Do you know if this has changed or not? This is the only thing I'm sure about, that this is the same. I think it's still still. Then for the sake of tension, I'm going to go sparkling, sparkling. Although you say still sparkling. Sparkling, sparkling. You need to deliver it in a sparkling way, otherwise that doesn't work. Sparkling, sparkling.

It is sparkling, sparkling. Yes. Whoa! I was so sure it was still. I know. Sorry. No, this has stayed because since I sort of hit 30, I have just got, I think like most people got really absolutely buzz off sparkling water these days.

Love it. Got a soda stream. I used to, like most people, hate it because my mum used to buy it in like big two litre bottles from like Aldi or Lidl or whatever. This is so bizarre because the taste is very specific and she used to let it go flat because she liked the taste but not the bubbles, which is the most profoundly disturbing thing in the world. Okay.

I might be being really dumb here. Isn't that just water then? Well, no, because it's got the taste of sparkling water without the fun of the bubbles because I take the fun of the bubbles is like, I will take it on the chin, the taste of sparkling water because I like the fun of the bubbles. But with mum, she doesn't like the fun of the bubbles, which does stack up every now and then personally, but she does like the bitter taste. Yeah.

Your dad gets the Nescafe jar full of oil and fat and he puts it in the soda stream, doesn't he? Yeah. He fizzes it up. I wouldn't be surprised that it made me feel really deeply ill then. Dad, what are you doing? It's for the birds. For the birds.

They like it fizzy these days. I specifically remember going with my friend Mavanui to Brighton on a day out with her friend Dom, I think his name was, and you know when you're out and you're like, do you want a fizzy drink? It's like a nice treat, fun fizzy drink, and he was like, oh, I don't drink fizzy drinks. And he was like, I just stopped having them and now they taste like chemicals and I was like, what? I can't.

I remember specifically thinking that in my 20s. And then I stopped drinking them. I used to just neck diet Coke to the point where I was worried that if you cut me open, I'd look like one of those lovely sort of amethyst paper weights inside. So then I just stopped for whatever reason and I went back to it now and fizzy drinks are quite horrible, like chemically. If you, like most tins of them are really quite disgusting, but sparkling water still gives you that sweet, sweet high of bubbles without the like taste.

So you used to drink a lot of Diet Coke. Loads. And then you stopped drinking Diet Coke for a really long time and now when you go back to it, it tastes like chemicals. That's interesting. Isn't it guys? So that's the next step on from my story because I used to drink basically tea James up for a story.

He's told on this. Well, hold on though, because this is like Kimmy's come up with a sequel. So I've told this story a lot. I just drink a lot of Coca-Cola and I stopped drinking caffeine for like five years and then start drinking Diet Coke and it tasted just like Coca-Cola used to taste. It's like a hack. And I know drinking loads of Diet Coke, but now it seems that if I then went the next step and stopped drinking the Diet Coke for five years, I would then go back to Diet Coke

and it would taste like chemicals. And that's interesting. It is. Yeah. But it's really like you've really played the long game on this, aren't you? And you strike me someone who hasn't got many vices. So have your Diet Coke. Well, yeah, I'm letting myself do that now.

But like it's interesting to know that there's another phase for this because it's one of the listeners favorite stories. A fan favorite. Yeah. Fan favorite. I think saying to someone, you strike me as someone who doesn't have many vices is the most polite way of saying you're an absolute dweeb. Oh no.

It's more sort of like, and then this sort of like caviar in the air is like other than all the sex work, because you know. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's one of the other, isn't it? It is.

I'm either a dweeb or you suspect I'm secretly a murderer. Yeah, you could be both. A sex murderer to be specific. You're only going to be about something then when you're talking about giving up something. I've lost it now. Gone? Yeah. I've got that brain.

We've got tension deficit disorder. So sometimes it'll be like, oh, say that. And then I don't want to interrupt because I'm a guest at the restaurant. I mean, you've got such bad attention deficit disorder, you couldn't remember the name for attention deficit disorder and called it brain thing. Yeah. That's hardcore. Yeah.

I do make it sound much more sort of severe than it is. That's brain thing. Also, now you've said about that that visual of being cut open and you look like an amicus paperweight. I'm still thinking about that. I drink a lot of Diet Coke, a lot of Cherry Pepsi Max. So now every time I drink it, I'm going to think I look like a geode inside. Do you like that idea?

And it will remind me of the Simpsons episode where they all bring in geodes for show and tell. Yeah. That's one of my favorite Simpsons bits. I used to collect the geodes and rocks and stuff. Oh, she did. I didn't know this. Yeah.

I didn't know this. I subscribed to a magazine. Wow. Where you got like a rock every month. Sounds like someone doesn't have many advice. If you know what I'm saying. If you catch my hand. I can't remember what the magazine was called, but it was advertised on TV and stuff.

I remember it. I want to subscribe to this. You've got a little box with like a geode or a rock in it. And I used to read the magazine quite quickly, but I was so happy with my little rocks. And I couldn't believe that they were just giving away what I assumed to be precious gemstones. So I was like, I'm going to get this every month and I'm going to be rich. I remember saying to my mum, I was like, when should we sell these? Because we're going to be rich.

They're giving me gems. Those are the Nat West pigs. That's your pension mum. I used to get bugs magazine. Oh, I remember bugs magazine. Yeah. And you would get sort of a piece of plastic glow in the dark thing and you would build a scorpion, which you would slot together and a spider.

And they were really quite magnificent. Over time. Yeah. Over time. So that's the whole thing is magazine one. They lure you in with something amazing. So you're like, well, I want that. And then you're also, and they're like, oh, so you get the first thing.

You're like, this is exciting. And then obviously you have to spend about 80 quid getting the quite crap thing that it builds or goes together. But you're one as good because I remember being into gems when I was that age in stones as well. And of course, thinking everything was precious, except Fools Gold. I was like, you're not having me. But yeah, I remember really wanting that magazine, but I was, we were a bugs house.

You're a bugs house. Well, we were a rocks house. And then I realized they weren't precious. And then I started collecting salt and pepper pots instead. The most precious items in the world. It sort of reminds me now I'm picturing you is to remember there were a child who was an antiques expert. Yeah.

Her name is Lauren. Yeah. Yeah. And just that sort of really eccentric sort of set of interests of being like rocks and salt and pepper pots is absolutely adorable. Yeah. I had Lauren Harry's vibes. Sure.

I wasn't a smart. I didn't dress as smart. It's a conversion for me to be sitting in a room and have someone else be told they're the one with Lauren Harry's vibes because for too long now I've been compared to Lauren Harry's when she was a child. Yeah. But it's too late now. Now you're that train guy.

Which train guy? Oh, I bet I know who you mean. The train guy. Francis. Oh, I don't know. He's really great. He's a really enthusiastic train spotter. He goes viral on tech talk all of the time.

Okay. He's, I showed Benito a video of him earlier. Isn't he like James? Really handsome. Really handsome. He has a camera that sort of points to his own face and he stands on bridges and he's got one of his mates is train driving. He'll sort of do the do the horn or whatever it's called.

I'm just going to get your picture of him with the camera. Okay. Thank you very much. I mean, I can't believe that we were just like hit gold with the fact that Ed used to collect gemstones and geodes from a magazine. And now it's still going back to me. The train spotter. So I found a good picture of him.

I want to show you this really great. People love him. Okay. You've got similar vibes. There's. Yeah. Fine. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a, you know what it is? It's a lovely smile, symmetrical face and a good jumper. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Here's a picture of him with the, I mean, when the camera strapped his head. It's.

Oh, that's insane. Yeah. It loses. He seems to be finding it funny to be fair. He has a great time. He knows all that. That's a laugh. I remember what I was going to say.

It's not good. Here we go. When you were talking about. Looks a shame. When you were talking about having Diet Coke. And it now tastes like Coke. You've forgotten what it tastes like, right? Yes.

Well, now I've thought of something else. I think that's, I don't, I'm plant based. I think it's so with cheese. I think vegan cheese is good because I've forgotten what cheese tastes like. Anyway, that's an aside. That is interesting. When I, when I have red bull, I can taste vodka in it because of how hard I smashed that.

Right. Totally, totally understand that. Every, every red bull, I'm like, there's vodka in this. Tastes are just completely linked now. They're completely tied into each other. Yeah. My body's like, we know what this is. Yeah.

You're about to have terrible sex. Pop it on with your bread. Pop it on with your bread. Timmy Pritchard McLean. Pop it on with your bread. What was it like, by the way? You are the first person who has had Pop it on with your bread shouted at them over Zoom and in person.

Yeah. Which one did you prefer? I think I preferred it in person. Thank you. Because over Zoom, I can sense the spit, but in person, I can see it. Yeah. Yeah. You got to see the spit.

Really flew. You really went for it. We're trying to scare Kiri. I wanted Kiri to be scared, but you know, Kiri does a podcast about serial killers. Very hard to scare her during the food pod. Can't spook her during the food pod. I imagine when you're doing the serial killer podcast, you have fair burner. Absolutely terrified, aren't you?

Both of you. Whoa, is that a burner? I am very jumpy. I scream all the time. If my partner, I need him to get up to like a bell around his neck, because if he comes into the room and I'm not expecting it, even though I know he's there, I'll scream in his face. I'm really, really jumpy.

Yeah. Yeah. Really quite worldly. And sometimes I'll freak myself out. It's a story. I apologize. I've told them my podcast, but when I lived in Manchester, I got convinced there was a murderer upstairs and I was too scared to go upstairs and I needed a wee where the bathroom

was. So I, I weed in a saucepan in my kitchen and slept on the sofa. And is it right that you never wash that saucepan as well? You just let it build up each time. Let the layers build up. Let's just say the birds ran your way and not happy. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Let's take this piss. It's like vodka red bull. Yeah. There's vodka in this. I swear. My wife can really scare herself as well. Sometimes we'll be lying in just, I'll be going to sleep. We'll just be in the dark in bed and she'll suddenly go, hello, Ed.

Yeah. What? She'll be like, oh, sorry. I thought about it not being you. So she's imagined in her head that it's not me and that someone else is in the bed and then she'll scare herself. I've got that one. Yeah.

There you go. I'm just getting used to it. I'd say my wife. I love it. I think it's so lovely. Every opportunity. And I've not got into that awful habit of doing it in a bar out of voice yet. I'm going to resist that for as long as possible.

That's impressive. Yeah. Or having an eye roll built into it as well. Well, I kind of do want to start doing this. Start going, my bloody wife. Yeah. Only with really positive stuff to say. Bloody wife so supportive.

She's not though. What makes you say that, James? Doesn't support me. Doesn't support you? No. No. I don't think it's blanket support. No.

I don't think she's like thumbs up, Isis. You don't get the tag support if you don't support everyone. I'll just support one person. That's not a good personality trait. Yeah, but that's like football supporters that support one team, don't they? They don't support the notion of football. Yeah, okay. Got me there.

Pop it onto a bread though. Okay. I think this might be the easiest one. Yeah, it's bread. Yeah. Bread every time. I'm pretty sure you said bread last time. Yeah, I think I said bread last time.

I really like Papa Dom's, but as very tedious to say again, as someone who's plant-based, the dippage isn't very good. It's chopped up raw onion. No thanks. With mango chutney. I'm alright. Cheers. Too much like jam that they're trying to pass off as a savoury.

I mean, you just described heaven. Really? What savoury jam? I wish in all cuisines they were passing off jam as savoury stuff. Oh yeah. It's giving me a pot of jam. I don't know. I just think jam is sort of for me in the bracket of like war food with like spam and stuff

like that, you know, like corn beef. Anything else like lamb? Ham? No. No. Yeah, my acrostic poem about war. Lamb jam, spam and ham. Yeah.

Lamb jam, spam and ham. Hey, anything from the war. Corn beef, like powdered egg kind of stuff. Powdered mustard, you know, like when you get it in a little thing. And for me, jam's in there. It just feels like quite a boomer food. Yeah. WI sort of stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. You could just, I've never seen anyone finish a pot of jam. Good point. Who's finishing a pot of jam? It's just there, isn't it? Maybe a hotel when they give you a tiny one. Oh, this I could do.

A little holiday with jam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they are not, you know, the little pots because you can't quite get in with it. They should give you a knife that is to scale with the pot, I think. Interesting. Push your whole tongue in. Because you're putting the big knife in there. Yeah.

You've got all the cornage on it. Your hand's too big for that. So they should give you a little rubber hand to attach to the knife as well. Yeah. And you just do the whole thing with a little, like a Wallace and Gromit cartoon. Yeah. Awesome. But this is reminding me of those videos of, you know, when people put like, bake a tiny

cake for a hamster. Yes. Yes. It boils my piss. It's the most irritating thing in the world. Easy to boil your piss. Straight to the source. It's ready to be boiled.

Lovely. Yeah. I find that stuff so irritating. I just want to fucking slap the person who's doing it. Why do you find it irritating? Because I'm just like, oh, fuck off now. Like it's just, it's so deeply pointless and irritating. Like just pissing about with that much care on something.

That's so small. That's so small. Yeah. Fair enough of your painting tiny doll's furniture because I see it really want a doll's house. Fine. If you're making a cake for a hamster, the hamster won't eat it. I just, I just is really irritating because it clearly takes ages as well. Yeah.

I find it really winds me up. I think that's fair enough because the whole thing is just like, it might be a nice little video, but when you take into account how long that's taken, how much effort's going into it and the fact that hamster, for all it knows, hamsters don't know what's going on. It's stupid, isn't it? Yeah. Very. I like it.

Really? Why do you like it so much? Imagine having a thing that's small. What? Just having a small thing's cool. I've seen a burrito one where they make a little burrito for a hamster. Absolutely. Actually, it looks funny when it's eating it, that one.

Yeah. Picks it up. Because that's kind of, they got a sense of humor there because they know it's going to pick it up with both hands and eat it like a, that's quite funny. The cake, it's not like it's going to eat it properly. No, double-hundred. It's just shoving its stupid face in there. But like the burrito, it's like eating it like you would eat a burrito, you know?

Yeah. Okay, right. Not you specifically. You saw me eating outside on the pavement. Yeah, yeah. There she is. All I seem to do in London as well because I'm always too scared to eat in places is I just find myself resting on a bin and eating over it.

I'd say at least once a day when I'm here. It's such a common sight for me to be just hunched over. You know, like when buzzards put their wings around their food, it's like hunched over my food, eating over a bin so I can throw it away and then keep walking. It's really disgusting. I understand that. I think I'm like two more tally appearances away from not being able to do that. Yeah, you're edging closer to a heat magazine spotter.

Yeah, yeah. I think I bought the last phone that I'll buy from CEX before I can't do it. Do you know what I mean? They'd be like, yeah, I'm sure it's so-and-so from so-and-so. It's in that CEX buying a phone. If you could store food in your cheeks like a hamster, would you do it? I think I can. I feel quite confident that I can do that.

Have they got pockets in there though? I think they've got the pockets. Yeah, special ones. But my weight fluctuates. So I feel like there's quite a lot of give in my face. When you used to get the Guinness Book of Records at Christmas, I hope that's a universal observation. Yes, yes, yes. And you know, there's people who use pegs.

I always wanted the stretchy skin. It turned out that they had a skin defect and that's why they could not do it. And I was like, why? Why am I not able to do this? And my mum's like, it's a good thing. What kind of bread are we talking? Okay. So I love a bread with a bit going on in it.

Don't like just plain bread. Although every now and then really cheap white sliced bread with really salty crap butter on it. Like marge on it is like delicious. So I like a brown sort of like bread with walnuts in. It's really nice. I just love, oh my God. You know, when you get the bread basket and you finally feel comfortable enough to ask them to fill it up again. That has been that sort of a life changing experience for me that I don't feel ashamed now.

You get refills on the bread basket. I don't think we've had a guest who does refills on the bread basket before. I was in a place last night and we got a refill on the bread basket. It's not all about you, Ed. I love it, but I'm just making Kiri more comfortable. I'm not trying to make Kiri feel self-conscious. Yeah, we did ask and they were like, oh, okay. Yeah, exactly.

The thing is, like you forget, you can just ask. And they can't really say no. I love a white bread with olives in. I think the salty pop of an olive is so delicious in bread. Yeah. And when I went to both of them, Kilkenny Festival. I've never done it. Really?

No. It's worth going. To the bread? Genuinely. I think it's called truffles. There's an Italian restaurant there that does brilliant vegan stuff. They made me a vegan eaten mass. Oh, wow.

And he was like, oh, we can make this and just like knocked it up. So yeah, my partner and I, we got, you could take away Guinness bread. Oh, yes. And, and like this olive tapenade, what's it called? Tapenade. Yeah, tapenade. So we had this massive meal and then just went straight back to our hotel and then in bed, just with no clothes on, just ate a Guinness loaf.

He's so lovely, the owner and was really enthusiastic. And because we both plant-based was like, how was this? Was this okay? Would you change it? It was just really sweet. That's nice. And yeah. And so we were like, can we please buy some of this today?

And then we're meant to say it for the next day. But just even though we're full, just smashed through it. It was so good. So I love salty tastes. And that's sort of like, I guess, I don't know what is Guinness or what that's. Yeah. Yeah. Almost earthy.

Yeah. Really deep rich. I love that. Love that. And then about the butters and stuff. So like, I really like salt to the point where it's definitely a problem. But, oh, this is something I mentioned on the last podcast. I was going to say, yeah, because this is mad because like, this is something where you

not only mentioned it, you then sent some of the product to us. We got. Oh yeah. We got some free stuff off you. And then it's never even been out on the pod before. Yeah. So I, so where we live, my partner and I on Angleseesash and it's more on the island at the top of Wales is an amazing place.

And it's the men I straight to the stretch of water between the mainland and the island. And it's like incredibly clean water because the muscle beds, they naturally filter everything out. So I went to school with their parents had a CZU, which was wild. It's such a cool story. So their parents met in uni and to make money would sell fish in the students union, like just sell it, which is wild. Apologies if any of them are listening and I've got it wrong.

Then they, when they left uni, they set up a fish mongers and they used to have tanks in there with some of the stuff in and everything was from the straights. And people used to ask them questions. And it got to the point where people were coming in to ask questions about that. So they set up a CZU. So they have like license for the water in the straights. And at some point they were like, Oh, there's really good salt here. So they started making salt.

And now it's Helen Moore, which is like amazing. And Barack Obama's had it in the White House and stuff like that. But the salt is so delicious. It's really, it's really good. It's so good, isn't it? The garlic one. Yeah. I have it in everything, even sweet stuff.

I'm like, put some garlic in the brownies. It's so good. It's so delicious. So yeah, I would definitely really salty butter. Like I just love an unflavoured salt as well. Cause I think I would just have olive oil and salt on bread. Is that a bit weird? No, it's great.

It's great. It was good olive oil and good salt and good bread. You don't need anything else really. I think so. Cause didn't they make that ketchup as well that you said? Oh, my days. The black garlic ketchup. I've got, you get a pin badge with black garlic ketchup on it,

like a little thing out of the bottle. I've got it for all my family for Christmas. It's so good, isn't it? That black garlic ketchup. Oh, amazing. I put it in the, you know, little, little basket of food, you know, little food basket for everyone. A whole bunch of different things.

Some Causton Press, you know, things like that. All your favourites. Yeah. Put the black garlic ketchup in there. Can you please myself? It's so good. It's really good. Yeah.

And oh God, that's so good. With, um, there's a really good fake bacon now. Have you had this bacon? Yes. Yeah, it's really good. It's really good, isn't it? Yeah, it's really nice. Oh, that on a, with some, oh my God.

I'm just getting so excited with like nice thick bread is so lovely. But yeah. Have you tried there? They've got, I think it's like a salted, smoked caramel like spread. Oh, wow. And that's a, I can't have it because it's got like butter and stuff in it, but it's meant to be absolutely amazing. I'll get, I'll send you some.

This is the thing. After this Bonito, make sure we get rid of this one as well. And we keep on getting carry on and getting more free shit. This is the way to do it. We come on to the starter. Do you remember what it was? I don't think I remember. I've got, I've just got no idea.

Trying to think. I think it was something, I think we got into your like home cooking and family cooking later on in the podcast. So I think this is from a restaurant, the starter, but maybe I'm wrong. Interesting. I've got two ideas for it. They are mains, but it's a starter size. Perfect.

Size. So my two options. Yes. You can help me narrow it down. So my partner cooks Brussels sprouts with some, so this is so ranked. Now this was on the podcast. I'm pretty sure I was excited that someone was finally mentioned some fire. Yeah.

Yes. Which I've recently learned how to forage. Yes. Yes. Right. So let's not just keep saying yes every time Keri says something. Remember, we're all hearing it for the first time. Is that the starter?

It's fun for me. I'm going to keep saying yes. You tell us about how you forage it. I could tell you loads about this starter. I'm going to just lay out what the starter is because it's actually quite involved. So what you need to do is go to my local Chinese and you need to order salt and pepper tofu, which is really good from there. It's the only Chinese in the countryside, so it doesn't have to be good.

I thought you were about to say it was the only Chinese in the country there. I was like, Keri, I've got news for you. I don't know why it's going to blow your mind. I don't know why it was that well to be fair. Sorry, maybe it is. It has like no rights being good, but it's excellent, especially for vegan stuff. So you get the salt and pepper tofu from there. Then you eat all the tofu.

You don't let your partner do what he wants to do and eat all the chilies and stuff that's left behind, all the gooey stuff. Love that gooey stuff. It's so good. Keep that gooey stuff, right? In the desk cafe jar. It's going to say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. It's disgusting, yeah.

I've got it's varicose veins and it's eating habits. So yeah, you cook for Brussels sprouts. If you cut them in half, you boil them really a little bit and then you like toast them and then put these salt and pepper stuff in them. So you fry them off in that. So if you look at Brussels sprouts, this texture and not taste, they're perfect. There's like building blocks for it. So fry them and in with the salt and pepper stuff.

Then add like vegan cream cheese and then samfire. And it is such a sort of like salty, snappy, crunchy, but creamy dish. It's so good. And yeah, my partner just makes a mountain of it and I end up eating it all. And it's, oh God, it's so good. And yeah, samfire is known as sea asparagus, but they look, I don't know how to describe how it looks. It looks like a succulent. You find like a hipster cafe on the table and it grows anywhere that there's sort of,

well, seawater and sandy, like yeah, flats basically. And you can go and forage it and it's all perfectly legal guys. And which immediately makes it sound like it is. No one was thinking it was illegal. Sounds like the kind of vice I'd have. Yeah. Much of forage samfire. Don't be worried about James.

He started foraging samfire. Don't tell the cops. And I don't know if you've ever foraged. You do strike me as people who might have done it as a result of this podcast. Haven't. Would like to. Yeah, I'd love to do a bit of foraging. Oh my gosh.

Yes. Samfire, Brussels sprouts, cream cheese and salt and pepper. All those like leftover bits in together. Yeah. A bowl of that for my starter. That sounds great. That's amazing. That sounds delicious.

Now there was another option, but I'm very happy with that. Yeah, that's fine then. Now, do you want, here's the option. Do you want me to do this as we go along? I can tell you what you chose last time or do you want to know all of it at the end? See, I know what my pudding was. So let me just get through the main and then I want to know because I don't want it to influence my decision. Okay.

Yeah. On my main. Yeah, fine. Your main course. I hope this is allowed. But like, I absolutely buzz off loads of picky bits. Yes. Yeah.

So I'd love a main of loads of picky bits and then could I tell you about what the picky bits are? Yes. Look, you're not the first person to do picky bits. Yeah. As the main course. No, I'm telling you that because there's a precedent for it. You're not going to get in trouble.

You're not going to get in trouble. But then I want my side to be what should be the main dish really. Interesting. Yeah. So you want a series of sides for your main course and then your side dish is going to be a main course. Yeah. But yeah.

And then they'll go, do you want to make it a side dish portion? I'll be like, no, it'll be fine. It'll be fine. Yeah. So then you get two mains. We'll all share and then the waiter will go, who's we? And you go, they're coming with it. Me standing over this bit.

In the middle of the table. Do you want there to be a sort of bin in the middle so you can... No, I think I'll be all right. Do you know, have you been to Ben Brazill in Manchester? No. Oh, so it's really good. It's one of those like Brazilian ones where they, you know, they slice your sausage off a big steak, you know, like a...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they cut the steak. A churrasqueria. Is that what it's called? Wow. Well, tell you what. He surprises me every episode. Yeah.

That's great. That's great. Is it one of the ones where you have like a little disc that's red or green? Yes. Carl, I absolutely love that. The first time I went to one of those, I didn't, we didn't realise that was the thing. I went to one with my dad and my step-mom, my brother and my sister. And they kept coming over to my sister and giving her the meat.

And we were in Brazil. And we just decided that we were like, all the Brazilian guys really fancy my sister. Because all the waiters are coming over and only giving her the meat. And then we realised it was a traffic light system where you had to flip the thing to green to get served the meat. And we were all on red and my sister was on green. We were going back. And we'd put it down to some sort of horrible, like, weird xenophobic thing.

We were like, all the foreign men! Go to my sister. No, she just had the green, the green drinks mat up. I love those. I love the simplicity of the little card that you flip round. I think it's a nice little novelty. I will say the Ben Brazil ones in Manchester, the buffet in the middle, absolutely banging and doesn't need to be.

Oh, yeah. Nice. I remember going there with... Why I'm talking about the bin thing. I'm so sorry. I remember going there with our... It was quite dear when we were students. It's like 30 quid ahead, which was a lot of money as students.

But we'd be like, right, we'll go to Ben Brazil for like, occasions. And I remember we went for something that was quite special. And so there's like six of us there. And then there was a... There's like a thing at the end of the table. Someone was like, what's that for? And I was like, it's to put your bones in really confidently. It was a champagne bucket.

I'd just never seen one before. So it's just like me being like a scumbag, but never wanting to show face that I don't understand what things are. So we like animal... Like Henry VIII, we're just throwing our bones into this champagne bucket. And eventually one of the people who went to the restaurant, Briggs sort of kindly came along and took it away. And it's only when I saw other people with like bottles of wine and champagne that I

was like, oh no. It's just so embarrassing. Imagine her taking it back. Oh God, put loads of bones in. We've got someone from Wales in again. They've asked for an S-cafe jar. I don't know what that means. I guess we'll put this out for the birds.

Okay, no. No, Ben. Although I do love a lazy Susan in the middle of a table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My favourite Chinese restaurant in Manchester, RIP used to do dim sum till three. It was a very... Were you at me? Yes, it would have been, yeah.

You mean it shut down, it wasn't called RIP? No, no, it shut down, yeah. Yeah. I find with Chinese restaurants as well, ones that you can sit in, the worse the toilets the better the food. So if the tiles are all sort of cracked and the toilet's leaking, I know they're going to do some really good stuff. That's why you're in your meal anyway, isn't it?

Hopping over the toilet. Immediately spell it all. Don't put any extra effort into this. So they have lazy seasons in that one that we took you to. I think it was there we took you. I remember being on the way there and it was about three or four of you taking me to this place and you were all very excited about it. And you all said to me, it's like the food in spirited away, how you imagine it to taste

and that's how it tastes. The buns in spirited away. Oh yeah. So you're saying those buns, they eat in spirited away. So I may have even said this on the podcast before and said people took me to a restaurant once and said about the buns. So I've even referenced it and I remember getting the buns and they were. They were great.

They were like the buns in spirited away. So if it was the place with the great buns. It is. That was where I went. And do you know what? The buns aren't even making the cut this time. Wow. Because I do like the buns but there's two things I would like to shake off the shackles

of my non-eating meat situation and have on this meal in this restaurant. So one is normal steamed riced with cabbage leaves on top but they do it with three roasted meats on top. So you get your belly pork, I fucking miss belly pork every day. No, there's no vegan equivalent of that. And we've tried like Jack Monroe who's amazing. Their cookery book had a vegan, what's called belly pork recipe in it and it was delicious. It just didn't taste like belly pork.

So don't say it's going to taste like it. Even in the introduction was like my friends couldn't tell the difference and I was like okay, we're your friends or idiots. Oh my gosh, I love belly pork so much. And it's a really cheap cut of meat as well. So I remember when I lived, this is like an ex-boyfriend of mine, I was cooking for him and I would make belly pork and you do like a crumb for it with like breadcrumbs, mustard and rosemary and then it sort of bakes on, it's really lovely pork but it was obviously

a really cheap cut of meat. So I was like, I'll make these. One of its belly pork had a nipple on it. So I just cut off the nipple. You got to cut the nipple. Throw it away, just still gave it to him. Yeah. I think you've either got to cut it off and pretend it didn't happen or make a feature

of it, maybe pierce it. Yeah, pierce it. Yeah, put a little ring through it. Sexy little cut for him. Also had a tattoo, is that? Yeah, so it has belly pork, char siu, is that, am I saying that correctly, the one that's red around the edge? Yeah, the red one and roast duck and they're just so, all of them are really juicy off the

bone because I don't like messing around with bones. So yes, it's just called meat roasted three ways or something like that. Three roast meat or something like that. That would be on there definitely because it's so delicious and succulent and I do miss that. I miss belly pork. I was going to say more than I miss my grandparents but that's not fair. You went about that in the worst way possible.

You had the thought which was awful. You didn't say it. You didn't go all in with the joke but you said it out loud anyway. Yeah, I'm not going to go through with it as a joke but it was how I genuinely felt. It was the first thing that came into my heart when I thought of how much I miss belly pork. No, do you know what it is? It's actually, I've not had belly pork for four years. They have been dead for ages so if anything they've stayed loyal to me for longer.

That's what it is. Belly pork has actually been more consistent than my grandparents. That would be on there. They also used to do this in Chinese. It was rice paper with king prawn inside. We used to call them prawn dicks because they were like the width of a dick. So they were like really meaty. They were the width of a dick.

Not like the kind of dick you would talk about good or bad either. But also you wouldn't talk about it. You'd be like, oh, all right. Yeah, yeah, fine. Yeah, yeah. You look and go, oh, it's dick size. Yeah, yeah. These ones are like, it's rice stuff but it's deep fried.

So it's got that lovely crisp, like crunch. Now they're really the width of a dick. Exactly. So that's why I can see why you have said it. Oh yes, noteworthy. I wouldn't bring up the dick thing if it wasn't. I'm still thinking about the way you describe the size of the dick being not one you would talk about good or bad.

Yeah, not either way. That's so perfect. Such a good way to describe a dick. And I've heard Kiri talk about dicks. So I know exactly what she means. Yeah. Because I know the kind of dicks that Kiri talks about, good and bad. I've heard them.

No one else. No one else ever brings the subject up. It's for me. Someone's got a story. It's a unit of measurement. Like with pizzas, I can only work out how big they're going to be from that. Because I don't use inches in. Oh, for inches other than dicks.

Yeah. Okay, yeah. 20 inch. When did I say a 20 inch dick? So I've got the rice with the meats. I've got the rice paper. The prawn dicks is what we used to call them. Yeah, prawn dicks.

And then I'd also like some of those Linda McCartney. Have you seen her fake chicken bucket thing she does? No. It's like a fake KFC thing. No. It's so delicious to whack down with some garlic mayo. Now at this point. Yeah, yeah.

You've entered the world where you're going to, in this dream world you're going to have these meats and the prawns. Yeah. Why are you then introducing fake chicken? Is it so good that it's better than the chicken equivalent? Yes. But what it's mimicking doesn't taste of chicken. Right.

So it's, no one has to die for it. And it still tastes like shit chicken. Right. Okay. Yeah. So that's what vegan stuff does very well, I think. I think so. Mimics shit versions.

Yeah. I'm going to have to add something to my main now you've said that. Oh, right. Excellent. I was trying to find one on the way here. I don't know if this is an active bravery to say, but clinically addicted to the plant-based chicken royale from Burger King. Okay.

Lovely. Bonito's not in his head. He did a chef's kiss. It's so good, isn't it? It's so brilliant because it's so shit in the back. Yeah. The bread still tastes of sugar. The mayo is really salty.

The lettuce is cold and crunchy, but clearly not fresh. And then the chicken thing is that spongy, rubbish chicken. Yeah. But it's all, it's meant to be like that. It's designed like that. Yeah. Oh my God, it's so good. It's so good.

If you haven't tried one. So now you're adding that to your main. You know what? I'm not, I'm going to, I'm going to push the royale out. Good to give it a shout out though. Yeah. Yeah. Good to help a struggling business.

You know what? I love an underdog. Okay, so. Put that on the website, Bonito. Burger King. I'm going to have prawn dicks, the rice with three like meats on it and a Linda McCartney sort of. Yeah.

Whatever her like rip off of a KFC bucket is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I love condiments. Yeah. Well, I love different flavors of mayo is actually much clearer to all my heart's telling me. So lots of different flavored mayors to dip stuff in.

Takes the room. Yeah. Well, a roast garlic mayo is really good. Huh? What did you say? She said Simon mayo. I liked it. Yeah.

Good joke. Imagine, imagine, you know. Imagine. You can have loads of different types of mayo please. Then Simon mayo turns out. And one of them is Simon mayo. Mayo the county. Yeah.

Yeah. That's it. That's all the mayors I can think of. I'm out now. Let's hear your different types of mayo. So the Sriracha mayo you can get from Lidl. Yes. Yeah.

With a goose, lucky goose or something like that. Lucky goose. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Although recently I think they've changed the ingredients. It's got hotter. Really?

Yeah. I've noticed it because I'm an absolute pussy with hot stuff. And I, yeah, I'm sure that the ingredients have changed because I used to be able to just, you know, smash back a bottle in, in no time. But now I'm like, I can't, it's too much. I have to sort of have normal mayo. Cut it with normal mayo. Yeah.

Yeah. Normally in between sort of like an amuse-bouche of Hellman's mayonnaise. You know what? I'm glad they set out the game for so long and they came back in and were like, we've done it. We've made the perfect vegan mayo because Hellman's vegan mayonnaise is absolutely outstanding. Is it? They've smashed it.

I don't think you could, I'd be interested to see what you think is someone who can remember the taste of stuff like that. I bet, I bet, I don't think. I bet I don't think. Wow. I can tell the difference. Wow. I bet I don't think.

The last thing you said before had a stroke. I mean, you're playing with fire, mate. You're playing with fire. What are you talking about? You're the first thing you did on this podcast. We'd go, would you do a vegan submission for some time? That was great. Everyone said it was great.

But you just said, I bet I don't think. And that's going to be, that's going to be a no-context-off menu. I bet I don't think I could tell the difference. No-context-off menu. You're going to tweet that. It's going to be great. Sriracha mayo is vegan anyway, isn't it? What's to move on from it?

Well, that one is. I think the official sriracha mayo is vegan anyway. Really? I bet it is. I bet I don't think it is. I bet I don't think it is. Have you ever made your own mayo? No.

Of course not. Well, because we've got rescue chickens now. So, we have egg. Who do they rescue? All the English people would go up, snowdin' in flip flops. Send the chickens up. Yeah, they're freezing up.

They're going, what's up? Someone come and help me. And then suddenly, what's going on? Don't worry. They're climbing up on the ropes. I can't do a chicken impersonation. Get on a rope, rescue chickens. They've got a little bottle of sriracha mayo around there.

Check this. Check this. Check it. Have a little supper there. It's going to warm you up nice. Sorry, dear. It's fine. You've got rescue chickens.

Yeah. Have you made your own mayo? And I want to. It's always more yellow when people make it and it looks so delicious. But then when it comes down to it, it can't be asked. Can't be asked.

Is that why I'm ever doing it? No. Sriracha mayo, garlic mayo. There's a company that does, I can't remember what they, is on the front of the jars, but they do like a vegan hollandaise. And this is absolutely excellent.

And they do a really good roasted garlic one as well. The black garlic ketchup of yesteryear fame of Hal and Morn. So I don't like tomato. It's a flavor. I really think it can get to fuck. Oh, interesting. I can't stand it.

Across the board. I'll tolerate it on a pizza. Yeah. But outside of that, no. You sort of have to tolerate it on a pizza. Yeah. If you want a pizza. You want it to turf.

Yeah. You want it to turf there. Yeah, agreed. You can't get angry at it. I also think that mayo is, like, mayo with rice, brilliant. Like, everything there would be great with mayo. You've not mentioned my favorite mayo.

I promise. I was quite excited when you said most different mayos. Oh, no. And then my favorite one didn't come up. Oh, my God. No, I've got it. I've got it.

Okay. My favorite mayo. I've got a mayo story to tell you. This is so, so, okay. So what a pickle is a company. I thought you were doing, like, the title of the story there. What a story to tell you. What's a pickle?

Can we put down the claim? It will actually, it will, it will work with the title. Right. Great. Here we go. So picture the scene. What's a pickle? Your partner and I, we're trying to support, like,

anything vegan we'll buy, anything small business we'll buy. Just take a punt on tarragon mayo from what, what a pickle. What a pickle. And we get at home. This doesn't sound like a pickle sofa, by the way. We finish the jar in a day. What a pickle. So then we go back to get it.

There's no more tarragon mayo. What? They were like, no one is buying it. So it all went like, that was it. That you had the last jar. So we're like, oh God, how are we going to track this down? So then there's a lockdown. And all we're thinking of is this tarragon mayo.

So then we go back to, I've said this slightly wrong. Okay. So we go to, okay. Right. So we go to a shopping centre near us. I love there's a lockdown and all you're thinking about is tarragon mayo. I promise you. Okay.

Not worried about the NHS or anything. Also, my favourite stories are ones that are flagged up at the beginning. Like, I've got a story and then go wrong and have to be started again. My favourite type of story. I love it. I've remembered this one. Hold on. Give that back to the beginning.

What's a pickle? Here we go. Here we go. It's because I got distracted on the way. And I actually thought, I know the good bit of the story. This is just preamble. Right. So Vrongoch is a lovely garden centre in North Wales.

My parents and I love to go there. And they've got a little shop in the corner. So we go there. There's a tarragon mayo. Let's try some of this. Take it home. Finish it like immediately. Like I say, day two days.

It's so, so good. We're like, we've got to go back there. By the time I'm not working, there's another lockdown. So, oh God. So then they lift the lockdown. We go back. We make a beeline for it. And it's not there anymore.

And we sort of mooching around being like, oh, it's not there. It's not there. And the woman in the shop is like, what are you looking for? I said, oh, we had this tarragon mayo before. It was really good. And she went, oh God, yeah. She said, we had loads of jars of it left. No one was buying it.

And then the lockdown happened and it went, she was like, it was about to go off. So we threw a load of it away and we gave some to the staff. And I was like, really? And then we joked and went, where are the bins? Yeah. And then she said, oh, I took some home for my daughter because she's a vegan. And she was like, I don't think she's even opened it. And we're like, oh, right.

Okay. And then she was like, where'd you live? And I said, oh, I live on the island. And she's when I live on the island. And she said, whereabouts? And I was like, will you tell me where first? And she was like, no, you tell me. So I told her the tiny village that I live in.

And she went, my auntie lives there. I'm going past. And she was like, tell you what? If she's not opened the jar. And she said, if it hasn't got a little green fur jacket on it is the phrase that she used. She said, I'll leave it for you. I'm like by the house. And I was like, oh, okay.

So just like didn't think anything of it. Anyway, like a week later at the end of like where we live is a little plastic bag with a little poster note on it going. I brought you the tarragon mayo. I hope you enjoy it from this woman. And she's given us her tarragon mayo. I don't think that story should be called what a pickle. That story should simply be called Wales.

I live in Wales. I just remembered something from earlier on. We were talking about never finishing a pot of jam or trying to get the bottom never being able to clean the jar. Right. My friend or my wife's friend, but now our friend. This is actually Ed. It's great fun.

She's great fun. But she found a gadget she really liked. So she sent it to all her friends, which I love. It's called a sapoon. It's a plastic spoon that's weirdly shaped that is designed specifically for getting everything out of a jar. Oh, I love it. And I was really, I was really, really cynical about this.

And then it arrived and I was like, I'm not using this sapoon. It's such a weird thing to send someone. And I had a jar of peanut butter. I was like, all right, I use the sapoon quietly. I didn't tell Charlie because I don't want to be seen to be enthusiastic about something I was previously cynical about. And I was like one stroke like that was like, this is the best thing I've ever been sent. And I go all the peanut butter out.

Right. It was clean, like clean, completely clean. And I marched into it. I went, look at this. Watched it. Have I? No, you're not watching. He used the sapoon.

No, I used the sapoon. Thank you very much. It's like completely clean. So satisfying. That's one of the examples of his wife being supported. Really, really going to tell him to get fucked. Yes. Well done.

And that's a day's work, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. She's done well there. Get dressed. Get dressed then. It's six p.m. I can see why she got a shout out in the speech.

Your dream side. Okay. You said it was a main, really. And you have already picked a lot of small mains as your main. Okay. Well, I'll go, excuse me. You know this. Could you do it as a side dish?

And they'll say yes. But I'll know that they don't have the size bowl for it. Yeah. So I'm still going to get main. Yeah. Okay. But we both know what's going on. That is the most Alan Partridge selection of a side dish.

For a 12-inch plate. It's kottu. I think I'm saying it right. So, yeah, from Sri Lanka, which is Disha Hadwala's out there on holiday. The end of 2019, my partner. The food is so good there. And kottu is one of the things that we can be sure of, because there's loads of brilliant seafood.

We're on the coast as well. But first we have this rule that like, we can eat meat one more on holiday. And that makes holidays even better. But then you just get two in your head about eating meat anyway. And you're like, because I got so excited to go to Berlin. We hadn't been vegan very long, maybe about six months. And I was like, we're going to go to Berlin and we're going to smash all this cheese and red meat.

And then turns out Berlin is like the most vegan friendly city in the world. So it was impossible not to eat vegan, which is really irritating. So that's what set the precedent. So, yeah. So kottu, it's cooked in like a wok, like a stir fry thing. It's quite often it's street food and it's lots of like cabbages and veg. Vegetables for the first time. Loads of veg in there.

I think with the vegetarian ones, they whack an egg in. I wasn't going to ask questions. And then they cut up paratha and they sort of marinated it. There's always loads of curry leaves in Sri Lankan food. So they marinate it. So it's really, it's got lovely spices and how they cook it. And there's what, I don't know how they do it. But it comes out kind of chewy like meat.

So it feels like you're getting meat, but you're not. And it's so delicious. And one of the places we played, we stayed in Sri Lanka. It was so cheap because it wasn't really a place that people went yet. I think maybe travelers weren't there, but tourists didn't. So like a kottu was like two quid. So obviously we had double dinners every night. So we'd walked to one fireway, we'd get kottu and like a mango daiquiri.

And then on the way home, we would get another exactly the same somewhere different. Yeah. And it was so, so delicious and such nice flavors and a heat that I could manage as well. Well, like, you know, when spice is a, it's spicy and tasty, but not hot. And I thought that was what was really delicious about Sri Lankan food. So I'd love a side dish of that if I may. That sounds very nice. But we've only got the main size bowls.

Yeah, we've only got the main size bowls. Oh, do you know what? Just do whatever it comes. Okay. Clever. I'll help with it. Now my memory's jingling. I think kottu came up last time. Interesting.

I know the answer. Do you? I know the answer. I've looked at your whole menu. I know if kottu came up last time or not. Are we not revealing that yet? Whenever Kiri wants the reveal of what her menu was last time, I can give her the reveal. Well, now I think I've forgotten.

I've only remembered one bit of my pudding, so I might get it all. I don't want to know everything up to your side dish that you chose last time. Yeah. Okay. You chose sparked the water. Yes, great. You chose warm olive bread with vegan salty butter. That's as good as butter last time.

You didn't choose salt and oil. You moved away from that in your life. Now you've decided that that's impossible, haven't you? Yeah. So now you've got the oil and the salt. Starter. Kottu. Okay.

There we go. So like a star. Brackets. Yeah. Mane-sized Porsche. Exactly what it says. Really? Exactly what it is.

Now, your main was completely different. The main was a wedge of Safeway bread with Arga heated tinned macaroni cheese, which is how we got on to your dad and the pan, because you wanted that dish that you had made at home. Yeah, that was really good. Are you now going to add that to your tapas? No, because I feel like it's going to pull focus. But that was really good.

Yeah, really thick. Yeah, the bread that you cut yourself. Yeah. Yeah, and so it would always be a funny shape. And then, yeah, macaroni cheese that you whack in an Arga. Oh, that was really delicious after school. I do think your menu is better this time round. I think it is, because I love food so much.

I could do it next week and have a completely different one. Because that main course sounds disgusting. He's absolutely important. No wonder I put that through the Banksy Shredder. That really went in as you were saying it. You're going, I'm macaroni. I was just sitting and listening to her say about this disgusting meal. Your side dish that you chose last time,

brussel sprouts with vegan cream cheese, garlic, salt and sunflower. Oh. So you switched them around. You switched them around. Yeah, interesting. And do you know what I'm going to say? I'm going to say, because I had to say, and he prefers the one that you've done today, because he hates that main so much.

However, I would say that the starter and the side were a better way around the first time, because I would go with you having, it was a main size portion of your starter and your side dish, because you've got so many sides. If you had the brussel sprouts with vegan cream cheese, garlic, salt and sunflower, I would see that as more, that's a side dish. What do you think? I don't want you to change this.

I won't. But just saying that's what you did last time. What would you like us to just bring everything all at the same time anyway? I love that. Yeah. When you just go to point it as it's ready. It comes out as it's ready. Yeah, as it's ready.

Actually, I think you might have a compelling point there, because the sunflower as well, because it's quite creamy. You could dip stuff in that as well. So it feels like it's more the same flavors than cotton, which feels like it's a step away from the other like picky bits I've got for my, for my main. I love that. I'm just looking at main size portion in brackets.

It's so embarrassing. The only thing I'm consistent on is it will be the size of a main. Well, we'll of course be doing an episode with you every year to see how your tastes change and what you can remember. It's like seven up. Your dream drink, Kiri. This will have changed because this thing. Will it have?

Yeah, new. Oh, maybe it's. Do you want to say it at the same time as each other? And I'll say your old one and you can say your, the one you're going to say now. I don't think when we did this, I knew what this drink was. Oh, you mean now you didn't pick a drink last time. You didn't know what it was.

I mean, it's new to my life. I think I would have said maybe a cherry beer, like a creek thing. Uh-huh. And now I've had a Welsh one called, it's Dwinwen and it's a strawberry beer from like the mono, it's a mono brewery on the island. And it's really delicious. And it's named after our patron saint of love. Yes.

And so last time we said cherry B brandy with dandelion and burdock. And then in brackets, it says Aka dandelion and burburdock. Because clearly we've done a little jokey. We've done a little fun jokey. About cherry B. Dandelion, burdock. Ah, with a beer. I now remember that we had really all enjoyed saying dandelion and burburdock.

Burburdock was a really funny thing. Yeah. Fun thing to say. Those are two great drinks. Burburdock. Yes, I love dandelion and burdock. That's the only one that doesn't taste of chemicals to me. It still tastes like kind of natural.

And cherry B is really delicious. It's a little like 70s bottles. I'll be having a few of those over Christmas. Yeah? Yeah, love it. Love it. Is that your vibe on Christmas days? Yeah, I really like cherry flavoured things in particular.

I can never find... I'm searching for a taste of cherry that I've had once in my life and never again since. Like dark cherry stuff is so delicious and it's so rare that that taste is transported into whatever is palming you off with cherry. Sure. I love those. It's like dark chocolate sweets with a cherry inside, cherry brandy inside. God, those are so good.

And they're actually quite hard to find that are vegan. When we went on this holiday to Berlin, the Lidl next door had them and we were buying four cases a night and then just eating them with like Prosecco and the Lidl. So we really were culture vultures. Yeah. I've got a piece of advice for you and your partner. When you're away, don't buy anything just before bedtime. Wait until the next day because clearly every time you get something just before bed to

save for the next day, that's not lasting the night. But the happiest I feel and like most romantic is when I'm eating in bed with my partner. It's so nice. I know there's crumbs in the bed and stuff like that, but like, it's just such a horrible thing to do that it's like, it's as vulnerable as shitting in someone's face as someone I think. And so I think eating together like that is so joyous and it's like a real trust thing. Oh yeah, you can't leave each other now.

I'm imagining that because, and I know this isn't true because I've seen you just stand up, but I'm imagining that because you two are going out, you're getting loads of food and you're just eating it in bed, that you just have zero sex life as a result of it, which is why you're like comparing all food to dicks and stuff. Because like, all you're thinking of is like, I look like a dick. Too busy eating in bed. But well, quite often the situation we have is that like, you think, oh, we'll bang tonight, but then actually, I'd say nine times out of ten, we're too full to do it.

Yeah. But I think that's normal couple stuff, right? Sure. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. And then you're too full. Why not eat some more?

Why not eat some more? The idea of people in the hotel room next to you being like, oh, they were at it all night. Ed's sex life. He uses the, was it a spoodle? What was it called? Oh no. It was going to be so good. It was so good and then I forgot what it was called.

A sapoon. A sapoon. What did you say? Ed uses a sapoon in the bedroom. And he goes, look at that. Did I? Looks like I washed it, didn't it? He uses a sapoon.

That's so chilling. And each person who hears that joke, they each imagine a different thing. So it's up to them how gross that joke is. Interesting. What were you imagining? I was imagining it, your penis, because I think I've still got it in my head from, at first I wasn't, I was imagining, I was imagining it on your wife's genitalia. But now I was imagining it with penis.

Because then I started thinking about that. Do you remember that thing on Mumsnet where that woman was like, do you all have a penis beaker by the bed? Do you remember the thing? It was like, I think it was on Mumsnet. A woman was like, you all have a penis beaker, right? And people were like, go on. And she was like, you know, a little cup of water, I think, by the bed that your partner

like, slouches his membrane. So it's like clean, I think. Wow. Yeah, yeah. I imagine it's like, you know, the little cup you have in the dentist with blue stuff in it. Yeah. You don't want to get that mixed up. No.

After having sex, ah, that's first to work. Oh, God. Ah, do I cut the penis beaker again? That's what James says every time he finishes. What? That's first to work. That's first to work. Ah, I need to shake it.

Oh, God. Ah, I did it again. See, and that wouldn't happen if you just used the sapoon. Yeah, if you used the sapoon, you'd be fine. Right, my dear friend in university, you know, when you wake up hungover and you see water and you just neck it, you know, like on your bedside table. So she did that, but she worked with someone else's room and like, necked it and didn't realise that it was neat vodka that they'd been distributing other drinks and she said,

just put it in a pint glass for whatever, decanted it into that. So she was like, about half a pint down as well. Oh, God. But imagine being like hungover dehydrated and then you just necked half a pint of vodka. Oh, God. It's nightmarish, isn't it? Also, that'd be better in the dick beaker, whatever it's called. Yes.

Just vodka. Rubbing alcohol, yeah. That's probably clean, clean. So, my love, we're going to have such a good night. It's Thursday work. Ah! It's a good Thursday work. Oh, so on that time, before this guy has sex, he says this is going to be thirsty work.

Oh, this is going to be thirsty work. That's it. That's that over. That's sexy talk. Come in here. This is going to be thirsty work. Bye! This is the door shut.

Oh, OK. Not for me, thank you. But your drink now is a strawberry beer. Yeah, well, because I thought I would have said cherry beer, but I didn't know this strawberry beer existed and it's really lovely. Is it like a sour beer? I don't think so. I don't really like beer, but I do like the ones that are flavory.

But sometimes the flavor is just, it does taste that flavor when you burp in your mouth afterwards. Yeah. Whereas the actual beer doesn't. Yeah. Whereas this is like very strawberry kind of like, almost syrupy. I'll send you some. Yeah. It's from a really cute little brewery on the island and they're all named after different

saints. And this is Dwin Nguyen. So it's a loved one. So that's why it's strawberry. It's really delicious. Amazing. Yeah. They're getting more into it.

I used to be very militant about beer. I was like, no flavors, no fruity stuff. Now I love it. It's great. Pud. I'd say that, yeah, when we started this podcast, I was all like, I loved mad beers with fruity flavors in them. They're going round now.

I mean, now I'm just like, yeah, I'm pretty, I'm pretty steer clear of the mad flavor ones. He's sending me photos every night of the week. We're going to have a marshmallow, a toasted marshmallow beer. Have you had the bubble gum one? No. That's it. Still in our fridge.

I'll find out what it is because that is very bubble gummy. The issue with some of those, I get a lot of beers from an Edinburgh based brewery called Vault City who do amazing sours, like some incredible, like proper fruity sours. They're really nice. But the higher, the sugar in a beer, the higher the alcohol content most of the time, because the things they put in the sugar all converts to alcohol. So like the marshmallow one was like 10.5%. Why was it?

You can't really, you can't drink that. You just can't drink it. I get it, but I can't drink that. David A. Castelwoods, yeah. Count on, comes up. One big lick, all gone. I got to make a sour beer with signature brew as well, who are really cool brewery in Black Horse Road.

And it was a rhubarb, crumble and custard sour called Let's Get Eddie to Crumble because I got to name it. Really good. But the fruity beers I'm on board with. Yeah. Do you have to be careful of that with your diabetes as well? Oh yeah. Yeah.

They're so sugary. His whole life is being careful. He's a careful boy. He's going to be careful all the time. I'm not careful. No? Never careful. Ed's got to be careful all the time.

See, look, perfect example. Just smashed the glass against the microphone. It didn't even mean to. Not at all. Case in point. How often you're having this fruity beer? Is it a special occasion thing or are you necking a few a day? No.

I'm allergic to alcohol. So I don't drink very often and if I do drink, I do it with intent because, you know, like, right, well, I've got to get considered because I'm going to put my body through this. I've got to make it count. Yeah. You've got to be so drunk that you don't notice the allergic effects. Yeah. It was a birthday a couple of weeks ago and yeah, we went and bought 200 pounds of the

prosecco from Lidl. A barrel. They do small barrels. 200 pounds of prosecco from Lidl. Yeah, which is a lot because it's a fiber bottle. That is so much prosecco from Lidl. Yeah, it was quite a lot of people come in. It was still loads left.

So we had a mini keg of this and Dwin Wen one, which is the strawberry one and a mini keg of, I think it's the cereal, which I think there's two. There's cubby and cereal who are both saints and here's a cool thing. So I think it is called cereal win and I think it's cubby D. So D is black and win is white and it's because they used to meet in the centre of the island, these two like now saints and one would walk towards the sun, sun-facing him and then walk home with the sun-facing him and the other one would walk in the sun shadow in and out. So one was really pale and one was really tanned and that's where they got their names

from. But yes, they've got this cool stories behind everything and the artwork is really beautiful as well. Yes, every now and then. Oh, Wild Horse. Have you had Wild Horse Brewery? No. Okay, so it's called Nakota and it's absolutely amazing and they're phasing out the barrels

very sadly, but I'll get you some because I think you'd absolutely buzz off that as well. Sorry I'm getting distracted. So it's a special occasion thing. You've promised to send us so much stuff on this podcast. I know, but it's because I get so excited about Welsh stuff that I think you'll love. So we come on into your dessert. Now, you're confident this is the same, are you?

I'm confident that some of it is the same. Yeah, no, I think I can tell you what the original one was. Okay. And it's going to be part of it still. Okay. So I think I wanted a dessert slider type of fare where it's like, you know, you can get several desserts in a dish, again, just had you in my bed so I can eat more. But yeah, I've had it before.

We've had like, you know, I get like burger sliders like three of them where you get a dessert one with that. I once went on a one of these, have you ever done these things where it's like a night of eating desserts and it's like seven courses and they're different desserts? No, but tell me the info on that. Forget all that. Manchester had a dessert supper club in a brilliant little cafe called Home Sweet Home. And they do these like, you know, those cakes were like Barbie dolls and mad shit coming

out the top of them, mainly giant pretzels, but you know, like exciting things. So they had it once and it was like an eight or nine courses of desserts and it's such a fun idea. But by course three, you're like, my teeth hurt so much. I want to go home. No, no, no, no, no. Really? Do you not get teethache?

No. I don't know why you're so excited about this. It's just like Tuesday night at your house. It was a tasty menu. They had a fry up made of like cookies and stuff. It was wild and the baked beans were marzipan with like peach coulis over them and like everything was something. And yeah.

So like, yeah, it was it's very delicious, but it was fatigue set in heart. One thing I hate more than baked beans is marzipan. What? The thing you described there is the most is my nightmare. I love marzipan. I love marzipan so much. No, no, no. It's going to make it on my dessert.

Is it? As it should. It's good marzipan. It's great. I buy it for my brother-in-law every birthday. He loves marzipan. He loves eating it raw. Just on the side.

Just a big packet of marzipan. Yeah. So I get multiple packets of marzipan every birthday. Your brother? Brother-in-law. He's married like for like in the Acaster family. Yep. He's married to his family.

Absolutely belongs with us. And I send him multiple packets of marzipan for his birthday. And once he texted me, one of my favorite things to do is tell my children that they're not having extra dessert. And then when they leave, I have a big slice of pan. Have you had the things from, I think it's Lidl or Aldi, one of them. There's like thin layer of dark chocolate and then just a marzipan lump in the middle. That's really fit.

That sounds great. Well, okay. So this is going to be on my, so my dessert slider. I'm going to have a slice of Stollen on there, which is that German fruitcake with a load of marzipan in the middle. Yeah. I don't mind. Very good.

I'll put it out there. I don't mind marzipan in that context. Oh, interesting. Stollen's good stuff, man. It's really good. And also I think feel like slightly warmed might be the vibe for it. You know, some puddings are nicer. They're just like warm.

So yeah, Stollen. And then there's a brownie company I absolutely love in Bristol called Dark Eat Matters. I think is the name of it. Yes. You mentioned this before. Last time it was, well, we've just got it in here, Dark Matters brownie taster menu. Yes. So I went for all brownies last time, but I'm going to mix it up.

And it's literally because of the time of year you're asking me. So a little disclaimer about me is if I think about Christmas too much, I cry because I don't know how much. So if anything like Mariah Carey or Muppets Christmas Carol comes on in my panel, I'll have to switch it off because I'll immediately burst into tears. Right. So I love it. So we're now in this sort of run up when this has been recorded, in the run up to Christmas.

You're kind of welling up a little bit now. Yeah. I can't think about it. I have to just talk quite quickly through it. It's the 17th of November. Yes. But my birthday's the 6th and we have to get my birthday out of the way. And then we're into full on Christmas.

Then we're on the runway. Yeah. On the runway towards it. Absolutely. I think it's the purest, most, I think it's the most wonderful time of the year. Wow. Wow. So it's massively influencing what's on here.

I love dark matters brownies so, so much. She's really great. She came along to a gig and gave me some for free. And then I was like, oh, I'm clinically addicted to this. They are so gooey and good and they're vegan as well. And she does the mail order. And they're just like, you know, when it's dense and chewy and but then a bit crispy on the outside and she does really good flavors.

She does one with minting. And I think chocolate and mint is a hard flavor to get right in a brownie and not taste cheap. Yeah. She does a really good one. And she does one with, I think it was with raspberry as well, which I think raspberry is the perfect note to put into a brownie with loads of dark chocolate. It's like a really nice bite to it. I'm chasing the dream of cherry.

Yeah. That's what I want is I want it with cherry. Cherry brownies. Yeah. Cherry brownies. No, I haven't. Maybe I should ask her actually. Like just, this can be the official ask.

Yeah. So not on the pod. People can, what hashtags should they use if they're going to tweet dark matters brownies? Well, I don't, she's a woman running a business on her own. I don't know. I know a lot of people listen to this. I don't want to ruin her life. Let's dox her.

She has to do it. Dox is not an answer. I think. She should be doing this cherry brownie and work your name into the name somehow. I don't know if Kiri and Cherry. Cherry Pritchard McLean. Cherry Pritchard McLean. Right.

Yeah. So I would have, I would ask her to create a brownie that is cherry. And yeah. Cause just the densest and everything is perfect. And I love the mint one. There's a marmalade one. The only time I'm just marmalade is hers. Oh wow.

And some Stalin. And okay. Yeah. A slice of my mum's Christmas cake. Yeah. Really? I'll go in for Christmas. But it's really delicious.

It's the same cake she makes for anything. Let's say it's birthday then. Easter, whatever. So no marzipan in it. Or there is. Well. In my house, we have some icing lovers and some marzipan lovers. And so mum makes it.

Tell us who's who. Who's in each gang. So me and one of my brothers and dad are in the marzipan gang. Yeah. And then mum and one of other brothers is in the icing gang. Yeah. Which is. The marzipan.

The marzipan. I can't think of anything with this. The marzipan. Yeah. So the marzipan. And the icing gang. So she always makes it with both on. And then what happens is you sort of,

you peel off the layer you don't want and you divvy it up and you share it. So the actual, it's like a classic sort of 70s fruit cake thing, but she puts loads of stuff in it, loads of nuts and loads of things. She also then makes it early, about two weeks early. And then puts it in a cake tin with cherry brandy about an inch deep. And then when it sucks it all up, she fills it up again. Yeah. So it's like ruthless.

So when you, yeah, when you cut into it, it's really moist and boozy. And like that smell of like, that cakey, boozy smell is so lovely. And then so I would have it with marzipan. I'll have peeled off the icing. I'm not an idiot. And then I'll also have another layer of marzipan from one of my brothers on it. I love that you share. It's like proper like feudal society where you're all sharing out the marzipan icing.

In my family, there's some people who like egg white and there's some people who like, only like the yolks. So when they have fried eggs, I've seen this on holiday. Some people cut all the white off and give it to someone and they'll give their yolk back. Wow. It's lovely. So I've seen my mum just sit there and eat three egg yolks. Like a whole cougar.

Yeah. She's so muscly, my mum. It's exactly like a whole cougar. Yeah, I think that's, I think that would be the trio. And then I would like some clotted cream. You know, the one that's like, got a picture of like a maid on it. You know, the one that you have to use a spoon with. And it's got a slightly crispy bit on top.

Oh yeah. You've got to put, you've got to punch her through. It's almost like a bit of wax on the top. Yeah. You've got, but you eat the wax. Yeah. You've got to get through that. I love that.

I really love that. I actually don't know what you're talking about. Clotted cream. It's like a hard bit on the top. It's almost like yellow or on the top. Oh yeah. Sorry. Yes.

I've mainly seen clotted cream on top of an ice cream cone that I bought in Devon, I think. Really? You've mainly seen it on top of one ice cream cone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does that mean? I got an ice cream. I think it's Devon that they do it.

Oh, I got it covered with Devon on the core? Well, no. Devon, I think. And I got an ice cream cone. They put a big scoop of ice cream on it and then they put a big spoonful of clotted cream on top of that. Wow. And I ate it.

And that was the main place where you said that the wax on top was like, okay, now I know what it is because I had it on top of an ice cream. That's most things. I only know what they are if I had it on top of ice cream. Just when it's thick and it's almost got the consistency of butter, that is so delicious. Also then, if the Christmas cake is a bit warm and the stolent will melt a little bit and it just is really lovely. Yeah.

And I do miss that kind of cream because there's no vegan equivalent for that. And I know we do it for environmental reasons mainly. And we have the rule of you can eat it whenever you want because that's the only way to keep doing it for me. It's like you could go back whenever you wanted. Having said that, I met the lovely Henry Widdicombe for food in Brecken. This is a while ago now. And it was a little cafe attached to the cathedral or the church.

And so I said, excuse me, what are your vegan options? And she, what did she say? She said, what about quiche? And so straight away, I was like, okay, but I never want to be one of those people who's causing fuss. So I said, oh, no, I can't have eggs actually. And then she was like, oh, there's a pasta. It was a tomato pasta, but because I'd already caused the scene, I was like, that would be

lovely. Thank you so much. It's like a tomato pasta pasta. When it turns out there's loads of cheese on it, but I don't want to be that person who's like, excuse me. So I was just like, just eat it. These people are so lovely. And then pissed through my ass 15 minutes later.

I'm absolutely, definitely lactose intolerant. It was like that. So having just like a really good chat with them, I was like, excuse me, I'm just going to the toilet. And I was like, oh my, I'm so glad I'm near consecrated crown because this is absolutely unholy. What's about to happen? So I'm now scared of dairy.

I put myself in the position where I'm terrified of it. But you still want the colloquy? I think it's safe in this scenario. In the dream restaurant. There's no shits. That's the tagline, right? Unless you want them. Or the best shit you've ever had.

Yeah. Whatever you want. Yeah. I'm going to read you back your menu now. See how you feel about it. This is your mark two. Sparkling, sparkling water. Sparkling with a bread.

Say it properly. Sparkling, sparkling. I can't remember how you said it. Just in a sparkling way. Sparkling, sparkling. That was better than his. That was actually what I meant. It was quite good, wasn't it?

Hmm. Something. And yet one of us gets more voice work. Because, oh yeah, you came out. I can see why you got that one actually. Yeah, I didn't have to do that as a bottle of sparkling water. I wouldn't have worked. James, can you stop doing it as a sparkling water?

We're going to get Ed to replace you. Bread. You wanted brown bread with walnuts. White bread with olives. Guinness bread with some, loads of salt and olive oil. But we could also chuck in the vegan butter that tastes like as good as normal butter there. Yeah, I would like that if it exists.

Start at Brussels sprouts with some fire, salt and pepper and the gooey stuff from the tofu. And you want vegan cream cheese in there as well. Made by your... My partner. Betrothed. Yeah. Made course.

Picky bits. We've got steamed rice with belly pork, roast duck and whatever that's. The char, char, char, char... Char suey. Char suey. What? Prawn dicks.

Linden mechanical chicken bucket. Roast garlic mayo. Hollandaise. Sriracha mayo. Sriracha mayo. Vegan honey soy sauce. I feel like the teacher in education in Yorkshire. He just keeps looking at me to check that he's doing all right.

Tarragon mayo. I've got to get you. Side kottu, brackets, main size portion. Drink the strawberry beer. Dwinwin. Perfect. Yeah? Really good, yeah.

Dessert. I'm just imagining you in the king's speech now. I would have been good king's speech. Yeah, you would have been good king's speech. Would have been still won. Best picture. I don't know. Dessert.

Sliders. Stollen. Dark Matters brownie. Brackets. Cherry. Cherry. Mum's Christmas cake. Double marty pan with clotted cream.

Sounds like a pretty good menu. Yeah. Yeah, there's something I've missed out. But yeah. Go on. I've just discovered a vegan cheese place. They're Welsh girls down in London called Lafaux Marjorie. And they do a camembert that you can bake that's truffle flavoured.

And we ordered six of them after we had our first one. I've heard of this place. And it sounds amazing. It's exceptional. Kiri, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Again, you've been brilliant. We'll see you in a year. Delete the file, Benito!

Well, there we have it, James. Woo! Always a pleasure to speak to Kiri. I like that being like, you know, a forgotten episode that we can compare to. That was an interesting element. It was quite fascinating. And I really enjoyed that some of it married up, some of it was completely different. It's a lot to ask of a guest if you want to make it a regular thing.

Well. To record a whole episode, delete the episode and then record a new one months and months and months later. Well, listen, if the listeners would like us to do that format again, they have to suggest a guest that we can do it with and we will do it again. We will do it deliberately once more. Yes. That's our pledge.

Well, they let Benito know that they want that. They must tweet the podcast at Off Menu Official. Hey there, Mr. Benito. I've got a suggestion for you, O. Do the memory episode with and then... Yeah, and then whoever you want to do the memory episode with. Yeah, yeah. But crucially, they can't be anyone we've done an episode with that we've released already

because we cannot go back and delete that episode. It has to be someone else and Joe Watt, if it's a guest that really suits that format, maybe someone who's done something to do with... Oh, I did it again. Yeah, but not very careful. Not very careful. Maybe someone who's done something in the past that's to do with memory. Benito, just move away a big jug of water from you there, James.

Well, where am I going to put my penis? You've been very blue today. Kimmy was in talking about products. What do you want from me? That's a new catchphrase you've started doing as well. What do you want from me? Yeah, you've been doing that quite a lot. Anytime I'll go like, James, that wasn't very good or any mild insight.

You'll be like, what do you want from me? It's a good impression of me. But yeah, I think if a guest has done something to do with memory in the past, then that's really suited to it. Guy Pearce, memento. Yeah, Mr. Swallow. Obviously, a lot of people are probably going to suggest Darren Brown. And actually, if we get Darren Brown, we will do it with him, but we will trick him.

So we'll do the episode, delete it, get him back on, and then we will tell him what he said last time. But we'll completely changed it, but we'll convince him that he did say that, the stuff that we've made up. And he'll go away going, I guess I wanted that stuff originally. And then we'll go, haha, we've Darren Browned you. We just Darren Browned you. He's got Browned.

Kiri did not say Dusty Morangs. She didn't. And, you know, we could have been really out of order with this one. We could have just gone, looked at her original menu that she did ages ago. Yeah. And picked something from there. Oh, imagine. I said, if she chooses Sam Fire, then she's out.

Oh, man. You know, which I didn't want to do because I think it's a delicious ingredient, but it is, you know, some people don't like it. So we could have. Funny to do that. We could have just done that. Maybe we'll do that in one of our future memory episodes. Darren Brown's going to get chucked out.

Yeah. You've been Browned. Do you listen to Kiri's podcast, All Killer No Filler? Yes. Which she does with Rachel Fairburn, another very funny comedian. And they talk about Serial Killers. And it's a very good podcast. That's not a food podcast.

No, it's not Serials in Breakfast Serial. No, no, no, no. It's about serial killers, murderers. Murderers. But they actually do it in a very, it's very funny and informative, but also they do it in a very sensitive way to the subject matter, which I think a lot of true crime podcasts often don't manage, but they manage to find that balance very well.

Yes. And Kiri gave you a little taste of some of the stories that they've told on the podcast in the past. They were very funny stories. So, plenty more where that came from, you know what I'm saying? Yes. Yes. Do get stuck into that.

Have a listen to that. I'm on tour now, James. A show called Electric. You should go and see that. And you can buy tickets. EdGamble.co.uk. Wow. This is very exciting.

Everyone, you'd better get along to that. The success of the podcast has meant that Ed wants to have a go at stand-up. And this is very exciting. Yes. Cashing in. It's going to be a great tour. Hey, thanks for that. I can't wait to see it.

Electric. If you can't make it, I also have a vinyl available for purchase. Oh, yeah. You can go on my website to find that as well. Best art work on any vinyl ever, including music vinyl. Correct. Thank you very much, James. Anything you want to plug?

You know, go on my website, jamesacaster.com. And you can watch my special Call of Sanya. I hate myself, 1999. You will have to pay a pretty penny, but it goes to the man himself. James. Me. You are the man. Yes.

It's thirsty work. Just forgotten about that and now remembered. It is an amazing show. I'd heavily suggest you go and buy that because the guy puts in a lot of effort. Yes. It's thirsty work. What he does. It's thirsty work.

That's special. Doing that special. This is going to be thirsty work. This is going to be thirsty work. That's what I was going to say before going on stage tonight. Thank you very much for listening to the Off Menu podcast. We love you all. Yeah.

Hello. It's me, Amy Gledhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case. Get him on James and Ed, but we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you

about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off.

And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Gledhill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy. Is it?

Yeah. Get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.